#which is what caused me to not go in today (yesterday??)!!!!!!
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Chloe update (it's not grim, it's just not entirely happy)
She's doing okayish
She's struggling to walk at the moment. This all started back in the first week of August when we noticed her walking strangely, and she went downhill fast initially with not eating and not sleeping. Then we found the eye infection and we thought, great, that's probably the problem! It's affecting her balance which probably accounts for the funny walk, and an infection means her body is out of whack which explained the not eating and the not sleeping, so she had surgery and lost the eye
She was recovering okay, she's an old lady after all so she wasn't going to bounce back immediately. Sleeping better and eating better, and she started to gain weight back
But then she was clearly still limping, and she started not wanting to put weight on the back right foot at all. Didn't react with pain, didn't flinch or recoil or bite or try to get us to stop prodding and stretching it. Still reacts to stimulus so it's not paralysed. The limp got more pronounced
Then Barney died
She stopped using the leg altogether, she tries to keep it tucked up under her belly all the time. She stopped eating again, the vet said grief response to missing Barney. She stopped pooping, we thought maybe it was all the pain medications cause god knows that happens to me when I'm having bad pain flares
Yesterday she couldn't use the other back leg either. Couldn't stand up, she fell out of her little bed and onto her back and she just lay there like a turtle with her limbs flailing in the air, couldn't get back onto her tummy
The vet got her to poop yesterday, and she was ravenous for dinner AND snacks AND breakfast. She's struggling to use the leg today but she's trying! She's very clearly got energy and she's also very clearly frustrated and angry that she can't mobilise. She wants to walk around! She doesn't want to lie down and wait for death!
But I don't know if I'm just being selfish with her. Yesterday we went to the vet with the full expectation that the vet would look at us and say "I'm really sorry, but there's nothing else we can do. It's time" and so leaving with her in my arms still alive threw my emotional balance right out of whack. I'd spent the drive prepping myself for the conversation. I burst into tears the moment the vet took us into the room.
I don't know what I'm doing! I don't know if, maybe if Barney hadn't left us so abruptly and so painfully, maybe it would've been a different conversation! But I don't know how to cope with the idea of losing both of them so I don't know. I don't know if I'm being selfish. I look at her and I see my little fighter, who never backed down from anything bigger than her, and I see her spirit fighting. Barney was so quiet at the end. I can't believe the vets would send me on a wild goose chase to other specialists if they didn't think it was worth it and it was just prolonging her misery
Anyway. She's got an abdominal scan next Wednesday. If she's safe after that for more extensive sedation we might consider leg and spine x-rays but even if we find something causing her limp, she probably can't handle another extensive surgery. And what would that surgery get her? Another six months of life? Would that be worth it if she's in pain from recovery the whole time? She's so skinny from all the weight she's lost, I can feel her spine and her hips and I hate it
This got long. I'm sorry if you read this far, I needed to get it out and I can't say any of it out loud without immediately bursting into tears
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I wanna thank my irl friends who follow me here and also my beloved mutuals as well as followers who still send me kind messages and try to interact with me and my stuff even if I'm bad at doing it myself.
Honestly, things haven't been that great with me lately, so... it means a lot to me. Honestly. <3
#personal#i had to make the tough decision to drop out of school last week#i didn't exactly want it if i'm being completely honest here#but certain stuff was preventing me from getting further so i knew the teachers are gonna ask me to quit over at our teams meeting#i instantly contacted my nurse about my situation. and she got me a doctor's appointment which was yesterday#where i kind of broke down a little. not because she didn't grant me the sick leave i thought i was going to get#after feeling down and sleeping terribly for weeks#but because she actually *got me*. like. she actually listened to me and figured out some stuff and told me that#what i'm going through and what i've been going through for years would make anyone depressed#so i couldn't help but cry a little because yeah. i'm so tired of never being enough no matter how hard i try#because my brain's wired a certain way and it makes me slow and kinda clumsy and inattentive at times#which. you might guess is not ideal at today's work environment. or studying-wise even#so instead of granting me sick leave (she did say we can change that at anytime though) she told me to wait for that phone call#from the unemployment office. which i should be getting tomorrow. or well. later today#and talk to them about this. to see if they can offer some solutions. or if we can figure something out#'cause i'm getting closer to my 40s and not getting anywhere and it's wearing me out and tiring me out#because i clearly can't help myself or change my ways on my own#i managed to get some work last week though. at the local youth house. one shift though but money still#but i haven't been getting those offers a lot during the past few months so it's not enough to support me obviously#so i definitely need something else. and i hope i can get help. that someone could help me#i should finally get tested for adhd next month too. i don't know if i even have it or if it's gonna change anything but#at least i'd know#anyway i needed to get this off my chest. cause i'm kinda crying a little bit even now just thinking about this whole thing#sorry
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screaming into the void <3
#my best friends boyfriend (who i’ve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn#we think it’s a manic episode but we don’t really know but it’s. terrifying lowkey#he thinks he’s genuinely jesus and that he’s conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve#he’s been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday#and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them#and he keeps being like ‘because it’s 6:20 this is true’ and like ‘i know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understand’#and he’ll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but it’s all nonsense#i’m just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i don’t know how to ensure that happens cause he’s 19. not a minor#he’s just. not him rn. he’s called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally#he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok#and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning#and you can’t get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him#to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing#but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday#he also didn’t sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight#i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning#and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but we’re leaving today and i don’t wanna wake her up until i have to because#this is literally hell for her. but it’s just. scary. i don’t know what to do. i don’t think there’s any good options really for me rn#i want to warn ppl and try to explain he’s Not Him rn so they don’t get concerned but who knows if they’ll understand what i’m trying to say#i know it’s not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense#and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year#but she can’t stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. we’re all too scared it’s going in the directon where he thinks it’s better#for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but he’s Not Him and so like. who knows#he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand#my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back it’s really scary#cause he will probably never be the same again. he’ll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but he’s Not Him. and can’t give it#i just. really want this to get better but it’s so hard to see that happening rn
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how to make 19 year old boy who came of age during the pandemic and never had a real real job before now realize he needs to Chill The Fuck Out and be Less eagar about working for free holy shit he is impossible to wrangle
#moki talks#hi i got dumped with a shitload of new responsibilities at work#one of which includes trying to teach a Virgin Employee how work life.. works#today i got asked a mindfuckery question that made me go#oh oh no he doesn't even know basic labor laws must get him sat down with hr like yesterday#do you wanna know what the question was#'so if you work more than 8 hours are you like required to take a lunch??'#CHILD PLEASE#i have told him no less than SIX times now to STOP. WORKING. OFF. THE. CLOCK. jesus christ#it is a CHALLENGE when this is all in a remote environment#sigh. i am not cut out for teaching kids#lawd i am trying tho#i guess in his defense there aren't labor law posters plastered everywhere to read during breaks/downtime#as there are in the typical workplace environment#idk man he's a good kid very smart tons of initiative but i have a feeling this aint the job for him#which really sucks cause its basically his dream job but#bruh i need you to get like 3-6 months minimum of real people customer service job skills#smh i am flabbergasted he asked me about the break policy he has 0 concept of the severity of labor laws#like no wonder states are pushing for child labor again NO ONE IS EDUCATING THESE KIDS ABOUT THEIR RIGHTS. FUCK.
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#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work#blocked it all out#my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer#breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries#they just diagnosed her two weeks ago#so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends#because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well#but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work#on top of my fulltime#which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it#but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this#for the coming four months at least#so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT.#i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes#then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe?#which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week#which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc#i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer#came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry#but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat#bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.”#“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.”#and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually#but seeing her anger made me see my own anger#and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic#i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more#so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise#doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal#and i am not joking#so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back
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Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..
I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.
I was texting my sister today about it and she said
“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”
I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences
#I relate to all of this so much#and it’s so sad how many people truly have religious trauma#I still find myself lucky and privileged cause I know there are stories MUCH worse than mine#it’s really hard cause my parents still think I’m a Christian#honestly at this point I have no clue what i am#even if I end up still being a Christian that doesn’t help or heal all of the years of church trauma#but the hard part is still acting the part for my parents#growing up I always tried to fit into the good Christian girl mold#cause I know that’s what my parents wanted and I didn’t want to disappoint them#but once I started smoking weed and they found out? it went all downhill from there#their perfect angel fell from heaven#and I feel like ever since I haven’t been really their daughter…. I’ve just been living on the outside looking in to everything#it hurts looking back at all the years I spent brainwashed into believing that was the ONLY faith#it genuinely makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I went to a pro life rally#the thing I was talking to my sister about was how mental health was never talked about in the church#when I started dealing with it and went to my parents or the pastors or any adult really and told them what I was dealing with#wanna know what the first thing they would ALWAYS say? well have you prayed about it? the way they treated mental illness was that it was#YOUR fault cause God is punishing you for something…. that you need to pray or go to church so then God will eventually take it away#and the thing is I don’t necessarily blame my parents (which kinda sucks cause I want to blame someone)#but honestly it’s just the environment they grew up in too… like I’m 99% sure my dad has dealt with depression his entire life#but won’t get diagnosed or anything cause they always believe faith has something to do with it#which makes me incredibly sad cause I just think about how much my dad has suffered and how he didn’t need to#^^ I was typing this out when I was late to my family gathering hahaha but then I think my sister called or something so I had to stop#sorry this post is all over the place - I swear I could write a book about religious trauma#yesterday went ok surprisingly but today? TODAY is going to be so much worse#sure I’ll make a post about it later but I guessssss I should go to bed now? it’s 2am and I have to get up at 5:45 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃#and I have a fuuuuull day of fun Christian festivities while I’m dealing with all of this bottled up and unresolved crap from my past#please don’t get me wrong I love my parents and like I said I don’t blame them - they did their best#it just really sucks wondering what my life would have been like if I didn’t grow up in the church or in a super religious family#I wonder if when I told my parents I was depressed if they would have instantly brought me in to get help
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#diana's music diary#good afternoon I'm very tired...#yesterday was okay enough.. maybe even good? Lancer was fun! Ophelia messed up really bad and now the crew is in danger!! yay!!#didn't do all that much else really... I was so exhausted and idk why... I've been so so tired lately... more than my usual eepiness...#I don't know what the exact reason is too it's like... I'm sure I got enough sleep... I had a headache and stuff too so maybe that?#well whatever... I still haven't decided on changing urls yet... today I woke up after like 3 or 4 hours of sleep so my brain is melting#spent an hour looking for a part for my coffee grinder cause I needed it for something (something that isn't coffee)#I couldn't find it so I ended up using a knife to cheat it into working... which worked well but was a little bit more messy n.n;;#I found a couple of nice things when I was looking at least!#a rarity plush an ex gave me and the jacket Sheila gave me years ago... I should clean them up they got a bit dusty from my last move...#anyway later I'm going to try to have some fun... will maybe hang out with friends or just vc with my partner... idk...#the thing I had to get up now for should be done by later at least 😊 let's keep making today good and fun even while eepy n_n;
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bruhh the world really hates me this week
#let's see what happened? what hell did I go through?#we were down 12 people this week on the team- so we had two 12-hour work days#my body hurts and my feet are blistered- and I was assigned to help my supervisor wrap up in equipment for the week#which I barely got training on#yesterday I accidentally tripped the emergency fire exit alarm in walmart cause my dumbass didn't watch where I was going#which caused me to have a meltdown which I was trying VERY hard to hold back and not sob my eyes out in front of my boss#My belt buckle broke while I was working today so I had to stop and shop for a new one#I tripped and ate shit while packing the equipment cases into my supervisor's hotel room last night#my leg gave out from under me when I tried to stand up after counting a shelf in grocery and I rolled my ankle#I got lost when my supervisor told me to take the equipment to the back room#I had to stop and ask two walmart employees where it was located- neither of them knew#I've been overstimulated since first break this morning#I got so many scratches on my arrms from counting pegs in apparel and those bitches are so sharp they'd make my therapist concerned#aaaand while wrapping up equipment there was a bike hung up on a shelf and I ran face-first into the handlebar and I bent my glasses frames#so now I gotta get those fixed#I'm quickly making my way to the top in competing for 'most directionally challenged' as my supervisor jokingly put it#I'M GONNA GO DOWN TO THE LOBBY TOMORROW MORNING AND MAKE MYSELF A WAFFLE FOR BREAKFAST#I DESERVE A TREAT
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Birthday keroppi time B)
#screams#my birthday is next Friday holy shit I'm gonna be 25#can't believe its that time of year again#and not me blanking about what I want to get and do for my birthday#wtf could I ask for that I can't get or go do myself#anything I would want is out of the question because of expense (like a new pc. I still haven't gotten one)#I guess I could ask for pokemon legends arceus. I've been meaning to buy it but haven't been able to justify spending $60#on a game I might take my seeet ass time playing thru cause I hate using my switch lite (the screen is so fucking small its annoying)#but its an idea at least#as for what I want to do? man idk#we'll probably go to olive garden like most years which Im cool with#although nowadays my datemate and I go there often for dates (we were just there yesterday for instance)#but I love olive garden so I won't say no to going#maybe to that historical township thats a half hour drive away?#datemate and I were supposed to go today as part of my vacation#but he talked me out of it (like he does with most big trip plans I make 😒)#the reason he did so it because its hot as balls today and sunny with a hogh uv index#we'd be outside for most of the trip and her reckons being in the heat will make him miserable and a killjoy#because he's heat sensitive. I am too so I can't really argue with him on that#so maybe it'll be cooler on the 15th so we can go#if not I don't really mind waiting til October because that township is better in the fall#but anyways those are the ideas I have rn#I'll probably ask for a pokemon plushie as a gift#I'd kill to get a new stufful plushie but those are rare and expensive thanks to scalpers#I'd be down to get another Vaporeon like my datemate bought me last year. or another of my favorites#Im not gonna be too picky this year even tho its a big birthday (my brain is fully developed)#because a lot of my birthdays turn out to be shit. last year was really nice tho#but I don't want to get my hopes up for anything and then be depressed that day like what often happens#so I will just be grateful to get some good tasting cake. that's literally the bare minimum of what I want without question#sam's rants about life
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I’m suppose to paint but my moral is so low right now…
#i Need to do it today cause I forced my dad to go buy the thing so I could do it yesterday (but I slept 5h I was afraid of making mistake)#but I didn’t so I need to do it today cause it will take more than a day and I seriously need to find a job#my health is on line two now I need to go for my eyes and that cost money money that I don’t have at all#i feel like my body is dropping me like how can it be possible to have so many problems at the same time ?????#like they are all pretty minor I’m not gonna d*e but it still really annoying especially when you wanna live your life#but you don’t have force to do it#Sowon also needs food again and I’m not sure if my parents can help me again… I’m loosing my mind#also my brother feeling depress and I feel like my dad cares so much about it more than mine ????#maybe he dosen’t realise it or maybe I don’t show it as much so that would be on me#but without having end up in the hospital I feel like I’m at pretty much the same level as him 😐#except that I force myself to enjoy what I love so I don’t end up worst than I am which he stopped doing#there’s already a gigantic favouritism on my dad side with my brother so maybe I’m just crazy and scared my dad end up feeling the same way#maybe it’s just being scared of it and not the reality idk but it’s messing with my brain so bad I’m tired#but also I can’t even tell my dad one of the biggest reason I got depressed in the first place but at this point he would tell me to get#over it I’m pretty sure 🙄#anyway I’m gonna go paint I guess#wish me luck for everything it seriously need to stop 😭#alex.txt#tw negative#tw negativity
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lets talk about how much it sucks when your best friends move to another city
#i mesn she’s been living in madrid for this past two years but still :((((( i miss her#it was her bday yesterday and she said to me that she hates so much to maintain distant relationships 💔#and she felt so disconnected from us …that really hurt :(#the other one moved to sweden which is even worsE and she was the one who was always talking about making plans#then the ones who stayed here they are just so busy with life or making plans with workmates etcetc#and im like…okay but i want to see YOU😭#also lets talk about how shit being an introvert is#idk if im an introvert but im def shy af and i have turned down so many thingssss bc of being afraid of what will happen#or what people would say about this#im so prudent and like im always afraid to face things that dont turn the way i wanted or like new things#and im always saying this to besties#IF I HAD THE GUTS i would have already moved to another country to experience new things#id love to stay in UK for a while#also italy!!!#and meet new people!!! go to parties!!! visit lots of cities!!! summer etc#yet here i am in my bed 🤝 in my city 🤝 and everyday with the same fucking routine#it kinda hurts#this is my anxiety talking cause lots of my kids had a tantrum today and i couldn’t do anything about it#imma take a nap
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love being assaulted by a kid and sent to the er, then being expected to go back to work “in whatever capacity I can” when I had to literally crawl to get back into my apartment last night. usa work culture is so so normal and cool.
#luckily I can get around with a cane today#but idk what they'd expect me to do aside from maybe some extra training if they have it#cause my job regularly involves running and physically protecting kids(and myself and coworkers) from assault#and I'm not trained to do anything else aside from everyday work operations and the paperwork it involves. which I obviously can't do rn#god forbid they just give workers comp and let me rest#we were so short staffed yesterday I couldn't even go to the er for an hour and a half after I was hurt#but me being there isn't going to solve any staffing issues when I'm like this lol#I was just starting to push back through and feel motivated to stay at this job#this is making me want to quit all over again and if they continue to be shitty about this it's going to be the nail in the coffin#and they're gonna be even shorter staffed. and continue to wonder why they can't fucking keep any employees#despite how much we care about these kids
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#today was a shiiiiiit health day#not only was i unable to walk i had to drive to the pharmacy TWICE anyway because of medication bullshit#so they told me they would have my second medication in today#the one that was supposed to be filled with my meds yesterday#so im already fucked up because of the weird staggering#well i get there and theyre like well the prescription says its to be filled today but they didnt delete the note at the bottom#that says its to be filled the 4th#so we cant legally fill it#so i had to call my pain management place and say HEY you fucked up fix it!#had to leave a voicemail#this was at 1030am#they call me back at 230pm and say ummmmm no its cause your insurance wont cover it and we sent an appeal#so i call the pharmacy and go this is what they said and they go no wtf are they talking about its the note have them call us#so i gotta call my pain management BACK only to leave another voicemail!!!!!#then at 5pm i get a call back that says whoops pharmacy was right! it should be fixed@#so now i gotta drive back to the pharmacy only to get hit with ANOTHER kick to the teeth#which is that this medication costs $365#for a 30 day supply#so all in all!!!!!! i have spent uhhhhhhh#$725 FUCKING DOLLARS#on my two count em TWO medications#and with all that headache i wasnt able to manage my pain today cause i didnt have my full dosage#so im fucked up right now#i wanna die
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everytime i think im clear and free of these particular depressive thoughts they come up again. im just so, fucking tired. not the needing sleep kind of tired. The "i wish the world and life didnt feel so heavy so constantly" kind of tired.
#moonlitmelancholy#vent#theres a chance. that this caused by my pms. which gives me a free trial of depression#i was on gummy supplements that helped a LOT like i could actually straight up evade this bullshit#and if we can afford it I NEED to go back on them#this is so fucking unhealthy and exhausting for me#IF thats what it is#because life lately has been nothing more than Okay#and i hate when life feels neutral and JUST okay#i just want to feel good more often#i do when i hangout with my friends#im just so fucking tired today.#i was yesterday too.#rotthoughts
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woke up feeling ruffff but took my meds and went back to bed for a while n I feel a bit better
#only slept 4 hrs yesterday so was rly hoping to get a solid nights sleep today bc i probably won't tonight....#but i didnt sigh. but my options are either to plough thru w today and make myself do this even tho i dont rly feel like it#or cancel plans and stay in and mope which will inevitably turn into self harm so rly the latter is a non option lmao#its all okay ill get into the swing of things n have a good time once im thereee#and i always knew i was gonna feel a bit like this like its an open wound for me i just need to be careful not to touch it#bc how i feel isnt based in reality its just insecurity n vulnerability n ik it can take months to fully recover from a previous episode#and part of the recovery process needs to involve facing potentially triggering situations instead of avoiding them#bc otherwise ill get increasingly worse bc its not possible to always avoid and ill be defenceless again when it does happen again etc#like its part of rebuilding my sense of self n confidence n hopefully i can eventually start to trust other ppl again n lower my guard#bc it sucks being contorted into this defensive pose all the time and i would like to allow myself to feel genuine connection w others !!#and to stop instinctively flinching and waiting for the hit im tired of my mind telling me ppl r lying + trying to hurt me when theyre not#im being a bit dramatic like i am doing a LOT better than i was a few weeks ago. n i def can handle this one#and the risk of triggering myself is much much lower anyway in this specific situation. so long as theyre not hiding shit from me again#i can think of several ways that risk could skyrocket n unexpectedly spiral out of my control n it makes it hard to breathe just imagining#but i need to believe that it wont. so if-no WHEN it doesnt then next time ill have proof that i can navigate it n i wont feel so anxious#it makes me laugh how stupid this is from an outside perspective. my brain causes me so much weird n 100% unnecessary distress#but its the only brain ive got n will always have so i need to work with it!!#anyway all that aside i genuinely am rly looking forward to this afternoon!! ive rly wanted to start doing more nice things for myself#n the fact it coincides w missing smth that could incite my rsd is kind of for the best even if it is making me anxious#i cant let my life revolve around anticipating how ppl might upset me n basing my decisions off minimising that damage#n while it would be nice to have company.. well ik its just as fun going alone bc ive done it before! n i need a reminder of that#ah im gonna turn myself in circles if i think much more. i dont need to justify anything#i hope they have a nice time and i hope i have a nice time and i hope that eventually someday we can have a nice time together instead#of separately. and i hope that someday ill feel included and wanted by other ppl and wont be posting on tumblr every time this happens LOL#this comes across like im saying i need to learn how to enjoy my own company or whatever but i prommy i already do..#what i actually need to learn is how to trust n enjoy the company of ppl i care abt without constantly being scared theyll hurt me....#but thats not happening today cuz i got other plans woooo OKAYY im gonna stop ruminating and get some chores done sjdkfh#.vent#<- well not rly a vent bc its not like im channelling feelings here im just rambling bc i have a lot on my mind. but still#this is prolly incoherent i keep putting my phone down and doing other things and then adding another thought LOL
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hm.
#delete later#had for various reasons a huge anxiety attack yesterday and kept digging my nails into one of my thumbs in#what i should probably admit is self harm#uh#self harm tw#and i didnt bleed like i had wanted to at the time but i did still manage to fuck up my skin there and#now here i am with Consequences of My Actions and trying to do what i need to do today is very daunting when my thumb hurts like this#its been rough since yesterday when the anxiety attack happened. i've slept like. 12 hours and still feel alternately tired and stressed#i just. ugh. one moment youre going to an art museum and then before you know it youre sobbing in the museum bathroom#having done sth you said you'd never do again Years ago. and yeah it wasnt as serious an action as it had been years ago#(which. if we're being honest. the fact it wasnt 'as serious' and could be passed off as not being a conscious action is part of#why i didn't stop myself sooner)#but it still hurts and it still feels like such a loss of progress and healing i've done for so long#and now we're pretending everything is Fine cause i dont want to upset my roommate with this or make them like. feel guilty or anything#and i want to move past how last night went for me and how awful my first trip to that museum was and guess what#my stupid actions means my thumb is right there hurting and reminding me of everything that went wrong.#anyway. i think the next museum trip i make will be made on my own#samantha talks
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