#while also being too chronically ill AND too anxious to be capable of handling any of those things on their own let alone all of them

[trans-cuchulainn]

hi! we dont know each other but ive stumbled upon your posts in which you describe your anxiety brain and borrowing trouble from the future and i can totally relate to that. and it sounds a lot like ocd, which i know i have... idk if this would be helpful

sometimes i do see things about ocd that i relate to. i think a lot of the underlying thought patterns and fears are probably similar. i don't think i respond to them in the way that somebody with ocd does, though -- i don't experience compulsions and don't find any relief from behaving in certain ways or performing certain rituals, i just experience profound dread and physical discomfort until i'm able to forget about the thing that triggered the anxiety or i move on to something else

my sister has ocd, which i only learned recently (we don't live together and aren't super close), but again, although i see overlap between our experiences, i think we respond to those triggers differently and find different things helpful/harmful. obviously everyone is different so that doesn't rule out the possibility that i'd also have it, but i think it makes it less likely

generally i think my issues are largely attributable to generalised anxiety disorder, some kind of brainweirds (not sure if autistic or have adhd or both), and a solid dose of complex trauma that contributes a fair amount of hypervigilance and fear to the proceedings which make standard anxiety tactics less helpful

i think all mental health diagnoses are labels we give to certain groups of symptoms rather than like. firmly grouped Conditions between which there can be no overlap, though. some aspects of anxiety and ocd are very similar, and some are different -- the same stars in different constellations. i think i score more points in the anxiety chart, so that's where i am for now, but doesn't mean i'm not experiencing some of the same things, if that makes sense (and it also doesn't mean that some coping mechanisms designed for one condition won't work just because i don't think i fit under that label -- sometimes they do)

[razorblade180]

interdimensional Dads 3

Jaune:Alright, you’re up Blue. Tell all about a world where we manage to get our Beacon crush. That’s how I know you aren’t lying when you say there’s magic in your Remnant again.

Jaune:Magic had nothing to do with it! It’s called time and life. Also I told her I was going to cut my hair and she felt appalled so I didn’t. She told me how much she loves it a little shaggy.

...

Jaune:What?

Jaune:(Did cutting my hair really change my life that much?) It’s nothing, continue.

Jaune:Okay? Well, where to start? I guess the magic is as good of a place as any. Not much on the surface has changed. The climate seems to be a bit more intense though. The gods are back as well, but no one knows exactly where.

Jaune:It’s not on any map?

Jaune:No, apparently it’s constantly changing. Those who get close to finding it usually get turned around by something. Even Oscar doesn’t know.

Jaune:Oscar is still himself? Oz didn’t take over?

Jaune:Why would be? We saved the world and he got to move on. Oscar does however still have all the memories and experience. Not to mention the one hell of a fighter. Though these days he prefers using all that knowledge for counciling.

Jaune:Good for him.

Jaune:He’s a therapist? Huh, yeah he’s definitely been through hell and back in all of our lives. I never really stop to think how crazy it all was.

Jaune:He’s also married to Penny.

Jaune:Penny is back!?

Jaune:Your world is kicking my world’s ass.

Jaune:It’s pretty wild for sure. Yet it feels vaguely normal. Most of my time is spent still doing huntsman work. I take bodyguard missions mostly these days since they normally aren’t as dangerous. Saving towns from grimm is something I have to leave to the others like Ruby. Weiss gets a little anxious otherwise; even more than the kids do these days.

Jaune:Now for the good part, gushing about your kids.

Jaune:*smiling* Nicholas and Summer Schnee, my little Twin Snowflakes. Both sixteen and quite the handful.

Jaune:You know of any of us needed to have twins, I’m glad it’s the one who married into wealth.

Jaune:Well you’re sorta right. However, Weiss was cut off for years until her father wrote her back into the family on his deathbed. So she’s become financially savvy from having to live in Argus for years. That includes the kids when they were little and even a pet dog. I’d like to think we’ve both grown up through the years but she’s definitely changed more than me.

Jaune:I think that might be true for all of us.

Jaune:Hehe, I got a feeling you’re right.

Jaune:Yeah my Weiss has gone through some shit and took it strides as well.

Jaune:Anyways, being rich is nice but we did pretty fine before it. Yeah we had to work constantly but it’s not like there wasn’t anybody we couldn’t ask for help. I say by far the craziest thing about my world is team RWBY is now a connected on the family tree and then some.

Jaune:Wait...that would mean- who married a Schnee besides you! Qrow married Winter and that’s it right!? Right!?

Jaune:*smiling* Is someone a little jealous of thinking about a world where Ruby married Whitley?

Jaune:...A little.

Jaune:I guess I can spare you those details then. Just know they’ve done some real good for Remnant.

Jaune:That, I didn’t doubt for a second. It’s just a little weird hearing she isn’t with me.

Jaune:You named your kids after Weiss’s grandfather and Ruby’s mom?

Jaune:Nick is the future heir and Summer got her name because....sigh

....

Jaune:It was the right thing to do.

The other’s didn’t probe that avenue any further. Without saying anything, they already knew.

Jaune:Ruby must really appreciate that.

Jaune:Yeah. She might not realize it but she shows a little bias to Summer because of it. Not that Nick particularly cares. I think he might enjoy not being on someone’s radar for once.

Jaune:Let me guess, Mr. Popular?

Jaune:President at combat school, runner up in regionals, gold in figure skating, future heir, master of promoting various events and hosting parties. Kid has it made, and yet...

Jaune:He doesn’t seem to be having fun? I think we might’ve found a similar thread between our kids.

Jaune:Makes sense. Nick has the same problem I still have sometimes.

Jaune:Overthinking?

Jaune:Taking the blow for others?

Jaune:Burdening himself for no reason.

Jaune:Yes....

Jaune:Oh...

Jaune:He’s the kind of kid who finds a way to finish work quickly so he can finish other work faster; in a never ending loop. All for the sake of making others lives easier. This also causes him to tunnel vision sometimes and not really ask what that person wanted in the first place. That, or he puts himself in a position where he doesn’t get to enjoy being a teenager. It’s partly the reason why Weiss and I don’t give him too much slack whenever he does something for the fun of it.

Jaune.Even in a time of peace, someone like him is taking a lot of responsibilities. Not sure if that’s an Arc thing or a Schnee thing.

Jaune:Trust me, it’s both. He seems to be handling it well though. Weiss really gets on him about taking time to just be himself. Honestly it feels like there’s a couple times he’s even trying to put on a face for us instead of cameras. Fortunately people like Valerie and Veronica seem to cut through that act.

Jaune:Oooh, lady friends?

Jaune:Valerie is Ren and Nora’s kid. He has a giant crush on her but I sort of think he tries too hard and should consider looking elsewhere.

Jaune:That’s ironic coming from you.

Jaune:That’s how you know it’s bad. Me, the guy who wrote a terrible song just to get a date to the dance. To be fair he’s not that bad but I feel like he’ll end crushing his confidence. I mean Veronica would be nice. Blake and Yang’s daughter has a thing for him that’s just as obvious for his crush on Val.

Jaune:(Huh, that’s two sets of different kids from the same parents now. I guess some relationships are harder to change than others.) Nick sounds like a fine young man. I bet things will workout. He seems bright.

Jaune:Yeah, I just hope nothing blows up in his face. As for Summer, she’s practically the spitting image of her mother except with my eyes and light blonde hair. She’s pretty timid and a really kind girl. Smart as a whip too! Definitely got that from her mom; as well as her singing.

Jaune:She performs?

Jaune:Yeah, Atlas loves her music. She has good range, learned guitar from yours truly, tops the charts sometimes in other kingdoms, and genuinely seems to enjoy the life of a singer.

Jaune:But she’s timid?

Jaune:Yeah. Off the stage, she tries to get by life like a background character, but still wants to hang around Nick who’s always in a spotlight! When she was younger she got into a incident with dust that severely injured her. Thankfully she lived but now Summer has several scars over her body that she can’t stand. Also...that wasn’t all she got. Scars are least of her problems. The dust mixed with her cells in unexpected ways.

Jaune:Over exposer, did she get some sort of chronic illness or deficiency?

Jaune:Honestly, we don’t know what to call it. Whenever she gets too cold, Summer changes. Her hair goes white, eyes look like mother, and her personality does a 180. More than that actually. It’s more like she’s been possessed and what’s nothing more to rule everything. We call it Shiva. We have it under control mostly after ten years of dealing with it but there’s still scares now and then. Whatever Shiva is, she’s strong and capable of terrible things. Thankfully no casualties yet, but plenty of close calls and extra scars for almost everyone involved. The mental strain it puts on Summer almost seems crippling. I...don’t really know what to do about it at this point. She’s been distant, and I feel like she isn’t telling me something.

Jaune:....

Jaune:Well...you haven’t lost anything yet right?

Jaune:Huh?

Jaune:Don’t look so bummed. Ten years and nothing too tragic to show for it. Maybe it’s luck, or everyone is way stronger than this problem after all. Including your daughter. Trust me, daughters are way stronger than what father’s give them credit for.

Jaune:Ha, you know he might be on to something with that. You heard my story. Yujin was keeping things together for a long time. That being said, they’re still our little angels and can only go so far. Eventually they’re gonna wish to see someone like their dear old dad to to lean on. That’s our job after all.

Jaune:Yep. You’ll figure it. Like you said, you’re not alone.

Jaune:I might have a daughter but I know a thing or two about distant kids. Take it a step at a time, and let them know you’re always there.

Jaune:...*smiles* Thanks guys.

Jaune:No problem!

Jaune:I wonder what’s up with those two right now? Probably training for their tournament no doubt.

xxxx

Training is putting it lightly. The cold Argus air is filled with smoke as a fire burns in the forest. Nick kneels with his sword stabbed int ground. His body trembles from exhaustion and sweat runs down his face while his hands still grip the blade handle til his palms bleed. Surrounding him is Apathy as pale as ghost with ghastly blue eyes that make them look like they’re right out of horror movie.

Though he’s tired, he manages to lift his head up and see his sister on her hands and knees, not as roughed up as him but more drained from the grimm. Summer looked at her brother with eyes that constantly flickered between shades of blue before turning the shade of their father’s. Summer fell forward, all motivation to move taken away.

Nick:You okay...?

Summer:Y-Yeah...thanks. Sorry.

Nick:Next time....we’ll bring Ruby just in case.

He found the strength to walk towards his sister and carried her on his back. The summoned Apathy keeping a certain range around them like a dome as he walked. Summer found whatever strength she had to raise her right hand up and snapped her fingers. A cool wind came off her finger tips and snuffed out flames before it got out of hand.

Summer:Can’t have this place burning down right?

Nick:You’re gonna get cold again.

Summer:She’s tired...and I’m spent. Even if she comes out, my body can’t move so...zzzzz

Nick:Sigh, saw that coming.

Nicholas walked as fast as his body let him. Abandoning both of their swords in favor or retrieving them later. They’d gotten lucky, the sun was out and he had handled the situation before Shiva could find her stride. Warm clothing also did its part.

He felt Summer shift around on his back and started moving faster. He hated this part.

Nick:I don’t wanna talk to you.

Shiva:That’s no way to treat family.

Nick:But an icicle to the leg is?

Shiva:How else was I supposed to slow you down? You’ve gotten stronger, dodging it the way you did. How unpleasant for me. I’ll aim higher next time, I’ll make sure not to rough up that money maker of yours though.

Nick:Next time I’ll throw you in the fire so you’ll be too tired to talk. Your days are numbered. It must be a pain dealing with me and trying to keep control. Sooner or later you won’t be able to do anything but lose until Summer snuffs you out. Then you’ll be nothing more than a bad dream.

Shiva:....Hmmm aha!

Shiva:I’ve decided then. I guess I’ll just have to kill you first before that happens.

A chill went down his spine as he could feel her ice cold breath hit his ear as she whispersed...

Shiva:Let’s see if I’ll be a bad dream them.

Nick looked over his shoulder and saw nothing but his sister’s sleeping face. Not a sign of anyone or anything else; just peaceful slumber. The boy continued walking in silence. He was still sweating, still trembling, but no longer from the cold. Exhaustion crumbled to adrenaline. He started going back to the sight of their training to grab his sword. After all, who knows what could happen on the way back?

Part 2

Start reading Twin Snoflakes?< Part subzero

[silver-spider-art]

Borderlands Head Canons

Okay so I have horrible depression writer's block rn and have been replaying all the borderlands games while also daydreaming all the stories I want to tell with these characters. So I’m just going to write out my head canons for shits and giggles cuz I have a lot of thoughts.

Handsome Jack:

Jack is such a wild card. He’s an overgrown toddler and an impatient genius. Also sexy as hell and a problematic fave. I spend so much time playing the game sassing and back talking him (like he can fucking hear me) but I still adore him. And relistening to some of the dialog lines I’ve built up a variety of head canon and AU ideas for him. 

So canon vs fanon is a little squishy in my head but Moxxi claims his face is plastic surgery and I’m taking that to be more than the mask. He’s definitely ADHD and neurodivergent. Plus a good helping of PTSD and paranoia thanks to Grandma and trauma from his ex-wives. Those are all his starting points but he breaks into 3 categories based on Angel. Bad Dad, Okay Dad, and Good Dad.

Bad Dad is canon and tips the point of no return for Jack’s mental instability when Angel brutally (but accidentally) murders his wife/her mom. Afraid of his own daughter and horribly betrayed and without “the one good force” in his life, he starts down the path of ultimate Sheakspearian self-destruction. All relationships end tragically and he’s his own greatest enemy. As far as the wife goes, I’m 100% that she is on a pedestal in his head and while he can think no ill of her, the relationship wasn’t all roses. 

Okay Dad, in AUs this would be where however his wife died or was lost it didn’t result in his fearing Angel (I normally leave this idea for modern!AUs without Siren powers). He is still overprotective and “doing it for your own good” but without the torture or horrific manipulation. Because of this, while Angel might still resent or hate him, he still has something to live for and is capable of somewhat decent relationships. Still, he rather sucks at it and more often than not is self-destructive. (my fave for writing and reading)

Good Dad, this is a strange and mysterious creature that is nearly unheard of. So often this feels so out of place. So much would have to change to create a catalyst in his life for him to turn out healthy. I mostly see this as a redemption arch thing. Where he might be able to turn it around and make amends given the right people around him. 

The other thing I’ve been growing ever found of is trans!jack. He wears a ridiculous number of layers of clothing which is definitely hiding his soft gut, but I’m very fond of the idea that much of his bragging and defensiveness is overcompensation for his fear and trauma both from childhood abuse and gender. There is quite a bit in game dialog on the Jack vs John thing. For the trans!jack I’m actually loving the idea that when he came out and remade his life, he chose John and was hired in at Hyperion with them only knowing him as John. But as he got more comfortable with his new life (and Tassiter made him start hating his new name) he wanted to reclaim his birth name. That he’s always gone by the nickname Jack (born Jacqueline) and was now confident enough in presenting male (and helped by Nisha) that he would even let friends call him Jackie without feeling less masculine. (super self-indulgent reasonings for this)

Other random head canons, Jack is polysexual and pansexual. He prefers women romantically but usually has longer last relationships with men yet rarely thinks of them in the same light. He’s mostly into women powerful enough to crush him and while he is aggressive and into being on top, he’d make a shit dom. He’s impatient and easily losses himself to pleasure. He is, however, a very good sub but it takes a huge amount of trust for him to allow that. (this is also why he is so angry at his attraction to Rhys. Rhys is a soft nerd who can’t even fire a gun, the exact opposite of Jack’s type and he falls for him anyway.) Jack’s vanity knows no bound and he spends way too much time of his look every morning to look perfectly disheveled and like he doesn’t care. Also extremely attached to his favorite things with huge possessiveness (partially caused by aforementioned childhood trauma). Jack actually likes cats but hates being around then cuz old childhood pain. Jack is also complete and utter crap at taking about his feelings or opening up to people.

Timothy Lawrence: 

So for dear Tim, my beloved favorite, I have 2 main categories, canon doppelganger or au brother. 

Doppelganger: needing money he took a job as Jack’s body double and had plastic surgery to look like Jack. Depending on Jack (Bad/Okay/Good) his relationship turns out drastically different. 

Bad ending poor Tim gets branded and has to fell his possessive and deranged boss and spends his life masked on Pandora as a mercenary. Always hiding his face for fear of those who want revenge on the man whose face he wears. 

Okay fate, he and Jack are lovers. They fight a lot and Tim’s most often catchphrase is “damn it, Jack” but in the end, Jack is his asshole. Their relationship is polyamorous and stable. But Tim is often in the shadows and overlooked, partially by choice. 

Good end? This is so rare I have no idea.

Twin/Brother: having grown up together they get Jack’s asshole and abusing Grandmother and Tim’s “laughs at your death” mother. Having one family member and someone he can always fall back on to help him and someone to be a hero for, Jack never goes full Bad ending. Despite all their fighting and issues, they balance each other out. Always falls in the Okay category of Jack’s relationship to Angel. 

But I’ve been working out the redemption arch to lead to a Good Dad ending. Jack actually being self-sacrificing for once and giving up something he wants for his brother's happiness. One idea is that both he and Tim are both pursuing Rhys but after some inciting incidents, Jack comes to realize that his family and friends are happier with Rhys in their lives and Jack knows that he’ll just ruin it like he’d started to do. I can see this beautiful scene of Jack seeing Tim and Rhys talk at a party and seeing Angel come up to join them. His heart aches because he wants that to be himself in Tim’s place but knows it would never happen. That in the end, he’s poison. So he chooses to give up. To let that peaceful scene be reality. That he can accept his claim on Rhys just being as family and not as lover. And that moment of clarity and change of focus helps get him on the path to repairing his relationship with Angel and his brother. Never a smooth ride and he fails a lot, but it does get better.

But back to Tim. 

Tim/Rhys is life. I love these two together like nothing else. Jack/Tim and Jack/Rhys is always unstable and huge potential for unhealthy. But Tim/Rhys is heaven and precious and good.

Tim loves cats and sweaters. He wants to write an epic fantasy story but has no faith in his abilities. He’s anxious and terrified of heights but he will be it anyway even while white with fear. He has a huge cybernetic kink he doesn’t want to admit to. Tim dated Wilhelm until the end and still deeply cares for the huge quiet man. While Tim dislikes blood and guts, he found he was actually really good and fighting. After he started the body double gig he got swoll and has stayed in shape since (his own vanity showing). He’s covered in freckles and tans dark in the sun. His voice can be very awkward and scratchy but confidence and vocal training helps that in the non-canon or modern!au settings. Tim is a much better fighter than Jack and can handle any weapon thrown into his hands (I mean just look at his skill tree in game) but he always holds himself back outside of combat and thinks of himself as weak. Despite his skill, he lacks confidence and in the bad endings always believes Jack is actually stronger than him.

Rhys:

My boy. Rhys is trans and autistic. He works very hard to make sure it doesn’t show. He volunteered to get the eye and experimental echo port in order to help compensate for his mental limitations and further enhance his positive skills. His cybernetic arm was also technically voluntary and for badass points he always claims so, but he wasn’t giving up a “perfectly good arm” but a barely functioning arm that always caused him chronic pain due to a poorly healed childhood injury. He stared in Data Mining and while he refused to act in violence to advance, Rhys has very gray morals and had done plenty of shady things to advance in Hyperion. He never had a problem with killing in the vague sense, just not wanting to get his hands dirty directly. This does change slowly, but he still hates guns. They are just very hard for him. When he must fight, melee is the way he goes. Rhys got his chest tattoos after his top surgery to disguise the scars. like his flashy cybernetics, his main goals are “if I have to stand out I want them looking at me because I’m too pretty to look away from”. He tries to fake it till he makes it with confidence even when he has no idea what’s happening. 

He always looks everything up on the EchoNet and panics when his connection to it is cut off. It’s his safety net/blanket in many ways. The more the situation is out of control and not following his plan, the more his anxieties act up and leave him vulnerable. This is how Jack easily manipulates him when everything is going to hell. He needs more time to think through things then the chaos of Pandora allowed. Once he’s used to the wasteland and it’s people, this is less of an issue. (Hyperion Rhys vs Atlas Rhys)

His special interests are colorful socks, Handsome Jack (he regrets that deeply after meeting the man), and his new interest is A.I.s. Though Rhys is very into his cybernetics and has moded them some, he can’t build them. His skills are haking, programming, and coding. His old goals where to get a job in digital security or programming once he could get out of data mining. Now as Atlas CEO his pet project has been building and refining A.I.

Random: Rhys is bisexual and leans a bit poly. He is sex positive but doesn’t have to have it in a relationship. He will follow along with most all his partner's kinks as it’s most important for him that they are having fun together. Soft fluff and cuddles are what he lives for though. (everything about this is super self-indulgent)

Angel:

Angel is autistic. It puts her in an especially dangerous/vulnerable position with her powers and Bad Dad Jack doesn’t know what to do with her without his wife to help. He loves his baby girl dearly, but he’s lost and doesn’t know how to help her. In the end, he uses her to fuel his own obsessions and the veneer of childhood is stripped from her eyes as resentment sets in. She lost her father long ago and now only wants release. Like Tim, she could have tried to kill him herself, but while she can and does betray him, he’s still her father in the end.

Okay Dad Jack, (mostly modern!aus) struggles with how to raise Angel but genuinely tries his best. His second marriage was entirely to have a mom for her, knowing he was a shit parent. That wasn’t a good marriage and Angel still didn’t get a mom out of it. Angel goes up angry and resentful of her dad and often refuses to call him anything but Jack. She’s angry that he still treats her like a child. She can’t live on her own and needs assistance in common tasks due to her limitations, but can’t stand being treated childishly like his always buying her unicorn themed things and his insistence on not swearing. She struggles to understand that Jack needs these things for himself too and they both just suck at communicating to each other. They circle around each other, in a strange dance, more like roommates than family. Angel works for Jack as his security expert and hacker/spy. She was instrumental in him taking over Hyperion.

Good Dad... like beforementioned, this is hardly a thing. The good times are mostly in her early youth.

Angel is a lesbian and in okay or good settings falls for Gaige. Jack is very not okay with his daughter dating an openly Anarchist Anti-Cooperate Terrorist who has built death machines. They met online and spend nearly every night having hour long conversations. Gaige makes her feel more normal and nonbroken than anything else in her life ever has.

Random:

Tiny Tina is trans. I read this in a fic and it’s just canon now.

Zer0 is a nonbinary cyborg. They have had most of their body replaced and generally don’t want to be human, so they took matters into hand to make that happen. They feel kinship for Rhys because of this and are growing fond of the awkward man and proud of his bravery foolishness for going into battle despite having no skill. Zer0 and Tim fight well side by side but they do NOT get along outside of combat.

Nisha is aromantic and pansexual and only doms. Her whip very much is used in the bedroom. She and Jack are always off again on again.

Maya is aro/ace and a total badass.

Sasha and Rhys date for a while but end it mutually finding they fit better as friends than lovers.

Gaige helps Rhys make his new cybernetics and he has to argue with her to not install more than one weapon in the new arm or lasers in his eye.

Wilhelm was always going to die of Bone Waste and the surgeries and cybernetics were just delaying the inevitable. Jack set him up to die, but it was willingly on Wil’s part because he didn’t want to die in a hospital but in a huge and epic fight that would be the stuff of legends. 

Vaughn is aromantic and sex nonpulsed and he and Rhys are platonic bros for life. Rhys is 100% okay with this and anyone else in his life has to accept his deep love for his bro.

(I’m sure I’m forgetting a lot, but this is long enough for now, oops)

[twopintsandaprayer]

so everything’s been closed for like, a week and a half? i think it’s been a solid week of nothing going anywhere except for supplies

and like, my mother right, she’s definitely on the autism spectrum (not that she would ever, ever admit it because she has a very specific understanding of autism and what she has is not that). But she’s like, extremely low on empathy, or rather at expressing empathy. it’s like, hotbuttoned to wanting to fix whatever the problem is, and when she can’t fix it, she just gets frustrated. and she is frustrated with me all the time.

so I admit that I’m having a problem handling certain things about my chronic illnesses. (and it’s been getting worse, even though its something I have to deal with everyyear. and it’s a 100% just my own stupidity, rearing its ugly head. I’m fully capable of doing everything properly. I just forget. and then dealing with the fact I’ve screwed up, or lost somethiing, or forgotten, or don’t have something else done, or something has run out, just... i don’t deal with it. and I should be able to do it, there’s nothing stopping my ability to do it. and yet it is a struggle, every single time. I’m so sick of struggling. and my psychiatrist told me I was still lying to myself last time I talked to him. I still don’t know what he meant. and I’m lowkey terrified to go to my next appointment. he keeps cancelling them, because of conflicts. I got told off when I said I was running out of medication. honestly, I just...it takes so much effort to just stay alive.)

I admit a problem, or say I’m struggling and my mom yells at me, honest to goodness yells at me that everyone else has to do it, every single other person on this medication has to deal with the same process. did I think I was the exception. didn’t I realize that she is on the same medication, has to do all those steps too?

I am. intimately aware. that no one else struggles. over nothing. over nothing at all. quite like I do. I am fully and completely aware of the level of my own ineptitude and stupidity.

I am also fully aware that expressing too much negative emotion in this house is a sure fire way to start an argument. I know it. i just forget. I forget all the time.

asking for help in this family just gets you another argument. she gets mad that she can’t help, I know. but when I’m yelled at I just... shut down. I can’t handle it, it feels like knives inside. any attempt to explain myself, or refute what she’s saying gets immediately dismissed by as getting angry, or upset, or yelling. which I am obviously only doing to make her feel bad. or I’m overreacting. one of the two. I’m always overreacting.

like I can’t stop crying. the original issue is dealt with, and resolved peaceably. I’m not going to lose that $200. i just wish I hadn’t allowed myself to react at all. I really wish I hadn’t said I was struggling. I wish she hadn’t yelled at me.

I wish this wasn’t still something that I was dealing with at my age. And with the world’s economy just, completely going off the rails, like, we’re heading into a new dimension. I don’t see how I’ll ever be able to afford my own place.

i just need somebody to listen. I have to release these emotions like a pressure valve. I don’t know I can’t remember that she doesn’t understand me at all. If I tell her I accomplished something, or immediate reply is ‘is that all, what about this?’

like, does any of this matter? am I making this all up? is this what I’m lying about? am I reacting about nothing?

I feel like I’m suffocating all the time. like i’m trapped in tar, or pulled under water.

I told half of this to my friends. and they’re great. helped me make a plan to deal with the thing, listened to me complaining about my mother. but it’s a lot to put on their plates. I talk so much, I know it bugs them. I’m a burden on everyone.

i can’t figure out what i’m lying about. what did he mean? what did he mean? am I lying about being depressed? am i lying about feeling anxious? am I lying about wanting to be better?

I haven’t seen him in months. and I know he doesn’t like me. I know he thinks I’m overreacting. I probably am. Am I lying about needing help? am I too lazy to help myself? to do the work?

I told him the last time I was there that it’s getting harder to keep working towards my degree. that i don’t see the point in finishing, that its hard to see the point in anything. that’s when he said I was still lying to myself.

i

I don’t want to keep feeling this way. I can’t stand it, what a useless, pointless, pointless life

am I lying about that? am I faking it? what did he mean? what did he mean? what am I supposed to do?

does any of this matter, while this crisis is going on?

on the plus side, I’m like, significantly more likely to die is a catch the covid. strangely enough, it terrifies me. I’ve not done anything with my life worth doing, leaving nothing behind but debt and regrets and people better off

what a useless, useless, stupid life

what am I lying about, what is it, what is it, what is it, I can’t stand it. I can’t stand him not explaining. I can’t stand that every time I’m in there I feel like I’m faking it, like I’m two seconds away from a breakdown, like I’m bothering someone, like I’m taking up his time.

what did he mean? why wouldn’t he explain himself? what am I lying about? I didn’t think I was the habit of lying to myself, save about maybe what kind of work i’m going to put into my degree. but I can’t . . i don’t see the point, it’s all so pointless. I’ll get to the end of it and be right back where I started, except in more debt. I can’t get a good job unless I apply, without good relationships with people in the industry. if there are any jobs left at the end of this crisis. what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck .it’ll just be something else I can’t do, something else I’ll struggle with pointlessly. all I can see are the things I can’t do. it would be so easy to get good marks on everything.. I could get 100s on almost every subject, if I jsut did the fucking work.

but i don’t. and no amount of cajoling fixes that. who’d rely on me in a workplace? nobody in their right fucking mind. not the least of which I can barely replicate work other people do let alone add anything of use to what’s happening. everything is so confusing, all the time

i just...

i want to be done with fucking things up. I want to be competent and orderly and confident. I want to feel good about myself. I’m so tired of being so fuckin goddamn worthless. even when I do something well I gotta follow it with a massive fuck up

what the fuck is wrong with me. am I lying about the work I need to do to fix it? what the hell did he mean? what other goddamn way am I making something out of nothing??

it’s gonna be a rough goddamn year, folks

[ianmkeenan]

Skunk Haze

Information about Skunk Haze:

Effects

Fragrance

Flavors

Adverse reactions

Medical

Growing

Flowering time

Coming from a distinct lineage comes with a lot of pressure. Not for the plant itself, because the truth is that it does not care. For the breeders, though, there is an intent and whether or not a particular hybrid and meet the challenge remains to be seen. Having thousands of strains already created, not many can lay claim to being successful. One exemption to this is the exemplary Skunk Haze from Mr. Nice Seeds.

More than using incredible parent strains, it is also the time and effort it takes to create the perfect hybrid. Not to mention, the techniques they use through generations and the source of the parents as well. It may take time but once the goal is achieved, what the breeder has is a strain for the ages.

Such is the expectation that comes with crossing two legendary strains – Skunk No. 1 and Haze. Both have been used to create countless others for varying reasons. Regardless, one underlying factor is using these two strains are its effects and other traits.

Skunk No. 1 is notable for its intense, energetic buzz and heightened creativity. Haze, on the other hand, complements the former with its own brand of cerebral effects. Furthermore, it influenced Skunk Haze to have a more dominant Sativa side.

Information about Skunk Haze:

ORIGIN Skunk No. 1 and Haze EFFECTS Relaxed – 10 Happy – 7 Focused – 5 Hungry – 4 Creative – 3 ADVERSE REACTIONS (NEGATIVE) Dry mouth – 10 Dizzy – 9 Anxious – 6 Dry eyes – 3 Headache – 1 FRAGRANCE Spicy, pungent, skunky, earthy, herbal FLAVORS Sweet, spicy, herbal, lemon MEDICAL Stress – 10 Pain – 9 Cramps – 7 Depression – 5 Muscle Spasms – 5 FLOWERING TIME INDOORS 9 to 11 weeks FLOWERING TIME OUTDOORS Late October to early November PLANT HEIGHT 5 to 6-1/2 feet THC CONTENT % 17% to 23% CBD % 1.01% INDICA / SATIVA % 30%/70% INDOOR YIELD 18 ounces per square meter OUTDOOR YIELD 18 ounces or more per plant CLIMATE Warm climate GROWTH LEVEL Some experience needed

* 10 is the highest * 1 is the lowest

Effects

Skunk Haze retains the potency of its genetic lineage. In fact, it is one of the strongest in the world. Having said that, users must take that into consideration when using this cannabis. Already, it can produce an intense cerebral high. In using too much, it may lead to unwanted side effects. It can also be overwhelming, which may dampen its otherwise rewarding experience.

TIP: Looking to buy Skunk Haze seeds? Check out this marijuana seed shop

Almost as soon as one starts using it, a flood of sensation comes rushing in. Stress and even physical discomforts are the first casualties of this invasion. As a result, most people feel uplifted. Such change in mood leads to the general feeling of happiness. Another thing most people experience is feeling more energetic. In some ways, this may help them finish their tasks. And to help them achieve that, Skunk Haze also stimulates to the brain to be more creative as well as more focused.

Skunk Haze Effects – Image powered by Grow-marijuana.com

Following the mental high, the Indica properties soon take over the body by inducing a feeling of relaxation. In essence, this manifestation on the body provides stability to the sustained mental high. In other words, Skunk Haze does not cause people to go overboard.

Rather than hazy thoughts or mind-blowing mental experiences, it does not cause psychedelic effects. Meanwhile, users feel completely at ease and yet remain functional. In some instances, though, the effects may be too much for some. As such, they are better off staying on the couch. Needless to say, their minds continue to remain stimulated.

Fragrance

The best way to describe how this strain smells is that it is reminiscent of its Skunk lineage. It also emits a pungent odor which may attract the attention of anyone nearby.

Flavors

Having a skunky scent and flavor has made Skunk No. 1 famous worldwide with regards to its taste. Add to that the sweet and herbal notes of lemon and what we have is a mouthwatering strain.

Adverse Reaction

Some people may like to experience how having dry mouth and eyes feels like. A simple way to achieve that is by using more than one is capable of handling. Of course, that is not an encouragement. In fact, users should use only a small amount especially if it is their first time in using Skunk Haze.

Skunk Haze Adverse Reaction – Image powered by Cdn.allbud.com

The series and unending waves of mental effects kicking in are likely to cause some users to feel dizzy. In most cases, it is temporary and should be gone as the head high tapers down.

Some people may be experiencing anxiety issues. While many strains can help with its management, Skunk Haze is not one of them. Rather, it can raise anxiousness level for some people.

Medical

As mentioned, Skunk Haze delivers an intense mental experience that changes the mood. As one tends to feel happy or even euphoric, it follows that it can eliminate thoughts that are causing unnecessary stress. Combine the mental with the physical body effects, the strain can also be helpful in dealing with pain. Muscle spasms, cramps, and other symptoms of chronic illnesses and wreak havoc unless one can control those discomforts. For that reason, Skunk Haze is one of the most sought-after marijuana hybrids.

TIP: Looking to buy Skunk Haze seeds? Check out this marijuana seed shop

Growing

It is not easy to cultivate Skunk Haze. For a successful harvest, one with high potency and yield, one needs to have experience. Not a lot of growers have the option of planting outdoors. However, for those who do, the pungent odor may carry over to neighbors down the street. Hence, it can be a privacy concern. Other than that, it does thrive well in a warm climate with plenty of sunshine.

Skunk Haze Growing – Image powered by Cdn.cannasos.com

Fortunately, Skunk Haze grows quite well inside the house. Trimming the plant early helps keep it short. Furthermore, it makes them highly adaptable to the Screen of Green training method.

Flowering Time

Indoors Growers can trigger the bloom phase by switching to 12/12 light cycle starting the ninth week. The vegetative stage can also be extended for another week or two. At any rate, every square meter of Skunk Haze and have a yield of around 18 ounces of buds.

Outdoors Skunk Haze in the garden can grow up to 6-1/2 feet tall. For a Sativa dominant hybrid, this is considered as being on the shorter side. Nonetheless, once the plant is ready, growers can pick up some 18 ounces of buds, or possibly more

Have you ever smoked or grown your own Skunk Haze? Please let me know what you think about this marijuana strain in the comments below.

Robert

The post Skunk Haze appeared first on I Love Growing Marijuana.

[lowcarbnutrients]

Health Benefits of eating Almonds

The health and wellness benefits of almonds are extensive, as well as they are regularly used as a healthy and balanced tool for alleviation from constipation, respiratory system disorders, coughings, heart problems, anemia, impotency, and also diabetes. It additionally assists in maintenance of healthy and balanced hair, skin care (psoriasis), and dental care.

Almonds are understood to have terrific medical worth, which, along with their taste, is the major reason that a lot of people proactively add almonds to their diet regimen. Some of the investigated and verified advantages of almonds are offered below.

Good for your brain: Almonds give lots of nutrients which aid in the development and health and wellness of the human brain. Almonds have been attached to a greater intellectual degree as well as they have actually long been taken into consideration a crucial food thing for expanding youngsters. Almonds also contain two important brain nutrients, riboflavin and L-carnitine, which have actually been shown to enhance mind task, resulting in brand-new neural pathways and also a lowered incident of Alzheimer's condition. Studies have actually shown that almonds in the diet, along with almond oil, is nutritious to the general health and wellness and also performance of the anxious system.

Many moms give almonds taken in water to their kids every morning. Two or five items of soaked almonds suffice, and you can likewise eliminate the outer shell if it causes allergies, as most of the nutrients are not kept in the shell.

Regulation of cholesterol: Regular consumption of almonds assists to increase the degree of high density lipoproteins (HDL) as well as they reduce the degree of reduced thickness lipoproteins (LDL). This equilibrium is essential to a healthy cholesterol degree, and a decrease of LDL (bad cholesterol) is constantly a great thing.

Bone Health: Almonds are a superb source of several minerals and vitamins, and also phosphorous is absolutely counted among them! Phosphorous could have a substantial effect on the toughness and also longevity of bones and also teeth, while additionally protecting against the beginning of age-related problems like osteoporosis.

Good for your heart: The mono-unsaturated fats, healthy protein and potassium included in almonds are all critical in heart health. Vitamin E is a reliable antioxidant and also minimizes the threat of cardiovascular disease, while the existence of magnesium in almonds could assist avoid heart attacks. Almonds help in reducing the presence and also influence of C-reactive proteins which triggers artery-damaging swelling. Almonds are additionally a fantastic source of folic acid. They help to minimize the level of homocysteine, which triggers fatty plaque accumulation in arteries. Furthermore, the flavonoids in the skin of almonds combines with Vitamin E to create a powerful guard versus artery wall surface damages. Research study suggests that temporary almond-enriched diet could enhance vascular function in asymptomatic healthy males aged in between 20 as well as 70 years without any kind of effect on pens of oxidative stress.

Immune System Strength: Your body has lots of parts that add to general wellness, including the alkalinity of the systems. Almonds are fantastic sources for alkali materials, and also this is recognized to benefit the toughness of the body immune system, along with rise the capability to stave off conditions and various health conditions. Together with almonds' payment to alkaline levels, it also has a high content of Vitamin E, which is an effective antioxidant. It looks for all the harmful free radicals in the body and eliminates them, due to the fact that they really advertise chronic diseases as well as could be badly dangerous to the body's organ systems. Anti-oxidants like the Vitamin E located in almonds impact all significant conditions, consisting of cancer cells and also heart problem. Research study has actually shown that people who ingest high levels of Vitamin E are in fact 30-40% less most likely to contract heart disease.

Skin care: The benefits of almonds in relation to skin health and wellness are well known, and almond oil massages are usually suggested for newborns. Almond milk is additionally included in some soaps, due to almonds reputable credibility of enhancing the complexion of skin.

Anti-Inflammation: Many people believe that the word "fat" suggests something unfavorable, yet actually, certain fats are necessary, and could be very advantageous for overall health. The body cannot develop its very own fatty acids, which is why we require to get them from dietary resources. Almonds have 2 quite vital fatty acids, both linoleic as well as linolenic acids. Those fats help to reduce inflammation all around the body, which is a basic condition that many individuals deal with. The fatty acids additionally aid to decrease the levels of "bad" cholesterol (LDL cholesterol), and also they advertise healthy and balanced skin as well as hair! All in all, almonds load an effective, healthy and balanced punch.

Regulation of blood pressure: The potassium existing in almonds aids to controls high blood pressure, and also almonds are really low in sodium, which aids to control ever-changing blood pressure. The other nutrients additionally maintain the body stabilized in regards to various other necessary needs, which can stops other deficiencies. Well balanced vitamins as well as minerals are essential for a healthy way of living, but if certain components are ignored, the entire body could be impacted, consisting of anxiousness, general anxiety, and also unavoidably, raised blood pressure.

Boosts energy: The visibility of manganese, copper as well as Riboflavin in almonds aids in energy manufacturing and also metabolic price. If you get on the go, a handful of almonds can obtain you through the day without loading you up with calories or fat.

Prevention of cancer: Almonds enhance the movement of food through the colon, therefore preventing build-up and also succeeding colon cancer cells. The National Cancer Facility has done substantial research on the link in between high-fiber diets as well as a decreased threat of colon cancer.

Protection against diabetes: Almonds also help to decrease the reactionary surge in sugar and insulin degrees after meals. This modulation supplies protection from the hazardous spikes in blood sugar which diabetics typically experience from complying with a large dish, or a dish with a suddenly high degree of sugar in it. Almonds help manage the abrosption and handling of sugar, making the whole process much smoother, and also ultimately safer.

Good for pregnancy: Almonds include folic acid, which aids minimize the incidence of abnormality in newborn infants. It additionally boosts healthy cell growth as well as tissue development. Neural tube flaws are conditions where the neural tube is either underdeveloped or is partially missing in the unborn child. Doctors routinely suggest folic acid supplements to expecting women to make sure proper development of the tube, and also almonds have sufficient folic acid to keep moms and also their infants healthy.

Weight loss: Unsweetened almond milk could be utilized if you are trying to lose weight. The mono-unsaturated fat had in almonds satisfies hunger and protects against over-eating. The dietary fiber in almonds additionally adds to the experience of being full, regardless of eating just a small amount. Research studies have actually disclosed that an almond-rich, low calorie diet benefits obese people to aid in dropping their excess weight. Studies have actually revealed that those people who regularly consume almonds (a minimum of twice a week) are even more likely to continue to be at their ideal weight, instead of those who seldom or never consume almonds and also experience from weight variations. The fiber contributes to regular digestive tract activities, which aids in weight loss and also the basic health of the body via the elimination of toxins.

Prevention of constipation: Almonds are abundant in fiber, and like the majority of various other fiber-rich foods, almonds aid prevent irregular bowel movements. It is also vital to drink a significant quantity of water when eating almonds to speed up the digestive system process and also advantageous results of the nut. You don't also require to eat a too much amount, the quantity of fiber in 4 or 5 almonds is sufficient to keep your food digestion and also bowel motions regular.

People can also lower their danger of Alzheimer's illness by consuming almonds, since they have been known to have such a positive impact on neural activity. Promoting new neural paths as well as connections could maintain Alzheimer's condition as well as neural deterioration from developing.

However, simply like practically any various other food, almonds have their drawback. They do contain oxalates, and too much oxalates could cause crystallization, which can result in a host of various concerns. Individuals that have kidney or gallbladder troubles ought to stay clear of eating almonds.