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stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale · 3 years

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One of my favorite narrative choices/interpretations in twdg is how tied together Clementine’s “death” scene and Lee’s death are. Yeah sure, there are the obvious visual parallels but that’s not exactly what I’m talking about.

For the longest time, I was one of the people who always shot Lee, y’know? It just makes sense, you can’t let Lee become a walker, it’s so much more tragic for Clementine to be the one to put him down. Clearly shooting him is the right answer. After all, the player percentages don’t lie.

But then years passed and I eventually played the other route where I asked Clementine to leave Lee, and I am no longer one of those people.

Don’t get me wrong. Both endings make me cry. They’re powerful in different ways, but there’s something about the way that leaving Lee to turn into a walker can affect an interpretation of TFS and Clementine as a character.

[note: this turned into a bit of a Clementine character analysis and it’s long and I’m sorry that this is the way I am]

Y’see, having played through the series as much as I have, I’ve grown to love this narrative that you can build leading back to this choice and the ways it stuck with Clementine over the years, and subsequently affects the way she raises AJ.

When you ask Clementine to leave Lee, he gets the chance to give her a little more advice and it get progressively heavy:

Lee: You can leave me. It's okay.

Clementine: You'll be just like them.

Lee: It's okay. It won't be me.

Clementine: Lee...

Lee: Clem, it's time to go. You gotta get out of here.

Clementine: You can come with me.

Lee: No, honey, I can't. It's okay.

Clementine: Please?

Lee: You have to go, now.

Clementine: Maybe...maybe...I shouldn't let you turn.

Lee: I don't want you to have to do that.

From here, you have a set of options that allows Lee to explain why she shouldn’t shoot him: Shooting people changes you and Lee doesn’t want Clem to get used to that, she can remember him alive as her last memory of him rather than her shooting him, she should save the bullet, or the noise will draw more attention than it’s worth.

After that, depending on your choices, he’ll further explain himself. I usually get:

Lee: Pulling the trigger of a gun and ending a life, Clem...you feel yourself lose something every time. The first time, the most. Don't do it unless you absolutely have to.

Clementine: I'll go. I'll...leave you. I'll go as fast as I can.

Lee: And as safe as you can. Always be safe.

Lee is barely breathing at this point, he can’t keep his eyes open, he looks like he’s on the verge of turning into a walker at any moment. Clementine, gun her in her little hands, turns to him and one last time, asks him not to go.

Like… the whole scene is more than enough to make you teary eyed.

There are a lot of reasons for making this choice, most of which you’re allowed to explain through Lee. Some people have a more logical take on this by saying that it doesn’t matter if Lee turns or not, Clementine isn’t in danger with him chained up, therefore she doesn’t have to waste a bullet in killing him. That bullet might be the difference between life and death in the future.

Then there’s a more emotional approach of not wanting Clementine to be the one to have to kill Lee, forever traumatizing her even further after everything she went through with the stranger and her parents. Lee can’t ask her to do that, he can’t force this little girl to kill him just so that he won’t turn into a walker. It’ll change her.

I like to think it’s all of the above. Lee’s made sure that he can’t get to her, she’s armed and knows how to protect herself, and he cares more about her having an extra bullet that could save her life rather than wasting it on him when no matter what, death is inevitable for him. It’s like what he says about Larry if you tried to save him:

“It's like with Larry, honey. He was goin', one way or another. But at that moment I couldn't do more violence. You have to be careful about that. It'll consume you.”

She shouldn’t do that if she doesn’t have to. Lee has no idea what’s going to happen after he dies, if he’ll just be dead and gone or if part of him will remain as a walker, or something else. He reassures her that the walker left in his place won’t actually be him, but no one actually knows that. Yet, that doesn’t matter, he cares more about Clementine than himself at this point.

But what does this choice do to Clementine?

Sure, she doesn’t have to live with the fact that she killed the man who swore to protect her, even after she was indirectly responsible for him getting bitten in the first place. He asked her to leave him there, to let him become a monster, to leave before she could see him like that. He makes sure she knows that this was the right thing, the best thing for everyone, and I do think she believed him, or at least want to, in that moment. Underneath her grief and stress of the worst day of her life, she at least had Lee’s last words to her and his reassurance that she’s going to make it through this.

But then we move onto the other seasons, and Clementine isn’t the little girl she was in the first season. Season two is pretty much summed up with: “Clementine does ANYTHING and gets punished for it.”

She goes through so much shit in S2. You can try to make all the morally good choices you want and Clementine will still end up getting slapped around, people she grows to care about fall dead all around her, and she gets a lot of blame for it. She’s forced to kill a dog that attacks her, Kenny lashes out at her more than once, blaming her for Sarita’s death no matter what you do, she can’t save Sarah, she couldn’t save Luke, everything is falling apart and by the end, everyone’s fucking dead with the exception of either Jane or Kenny, depending on you choices.

Clementine carries all this shit with her, like Kenny and Bonnie telling her that just because she’s a little girl, she thinks she can get people killed and it’s okay since she’s sorry. Of course she’s going to internalize all of it and bring it back to Lee. She has conversations with Kenny where she’ll open up about how it was her fault he died. Kenny, for all his faults, will usually try to reassure her that it wasn’t.... but then pulls the shit he does so y’know... mixed messages that help no one.

But by the end of it, no matter what ending you get, little newborn AJ is left in Clementine’s care.

From all of this, we know that Clementine tends to blame herself for the deaths of those she cares about, which is traced back to Lee. It’s when we get to ANF that her tune changes a bit. She’s jaded, bitter, selfish, and Lee was right..... all of this violence did change her.

I mean, she just fucking shoots the guy who traded her bad bullets, and while she didn’t mean to... she still pointed a loaded gun at his head and pulled the trigger, something Lee taught her to never do unless she had to. Then, she wants Javi to cover for her, to lie... and if you don’t, because hey murder and lying bad, she gets upset and tries to make Javi feel like an asshole for telling the truth rather than validating her actions.

When I say ANF Clementine is my least favorite, it’s because her behavior, while it makes sense, is so frustrating and unbearable at times. It making sense doesn’t excuse it.

She steals, lies, pulls several Kennys where she gets pissy when you don’t do what she wants you to, is willing to assist in Lingard’s death if it benefits her without even considering any other options or what a dark place he’s in, and she’s at a point where she just assumes everyone around her will inevitably die or leave her. That’s just what happens, that’s why she’s alone, and as a means of coping, she tries to spin it this way to alleviate some of the pain she’s had thrown at her for years.

Now, ANF Clementine isn’t all bad, she has a lot of redeeming moments where the Clem I knew in the past two seasons will shine through. You as Javi can help her grow and get onto a better path than the one she was goin’ down. She makes friends with Gabe, which is important since as far as we know, she hasn’t had a friend close to her age since Sarah. She has hope again after David tells her AJ survived, and she has more than just survival on her mind.

It’s just.... it’s sad to think that she’s at a point where she seems to have momentarily forgotten Lee’s final words to her. And when I think about it..... this behavior would almost make more sense if she DID shoot Lee, y’know? But in this timeline we’re discussing, she didn’t, she left him to turn and he gave his reasons for why he wanted that... but she still ended up this way. Nothing he could say or do could’ve prevented that.

But at the end of ANF, Clementine has one goal: get AJ back.

Through all of this, through ANF and before the events of TFS... I truly believe that Clementine lost herself.

She’s forgotten a lot of the things Lee taught her, she’s forgotten about her parents in the sense of “what would they think if they saw me now,” she’s overwhelmed with all that bad that those good things, that hope she had, has been put on the backburner.

She’s been forced to live in a world that’s cruel to you no matter if you’re “good” or “bad”, and that can put you into that selfish mindset where you tend to just disregard everyone you don’t have any emotional connection to, and even then, people you’re close to will get the same treatment, whether intentional or not. It’s unflattering, unlikable, and the only reason more people don’t see that is because it’s Clementine.

It gets to a point where she has a few different paths she can go on, and right now, she’s on a destructive one.

I think through knowing the Garcia’s, she was put on a better path but she’s still lost. She’s hyper focused on getting AJ back. Nothing else matters, nothing will stand in her way, and that leads to a breaking point in her character.

So...the McCarroll Ranch flashback is a thing.

The varying interpretations of this scene are interesting to discuss.

Some will say Clementine was continuing her extremely selfish and destructive behavior when she found the ranch in flames and was willing to commit more murder in order to get AJ back, even if it meant traumatizing him with the death of his caretaker, and if she had shown up earlier before they were under attack, who knows how far she would’ve gone to take him away.

Others say no, that Clementine found the ranch compromised, she was acting in self-defense when she shot Eddie and AJ’s caretaker, Helen. It was either her or Clementine, as Helen was pulling a gun out when she spotted Clem, who reacted accordingly. If she hadn’t shown up, perhaps AJ wouldn’t be alive right now. We don’t know.

For me, it’s a bit of both. She finds the ranch and panics because yeah, it’s on fire and there are assholes running around, shooting the place up. She holds Eddie at gunpoint, demanding to know where the kids are. He thinks she’s another asshole raider and even tells her that he’s not gonna let her take a kid, and she kills him. She doesn’t try to explain herself, she just demands the info and kills him. It’s not great, but yeah, he would've hurt her if she didn’t kill him.

Then, she hears Helen talking to AJ, who is in the locker. I don’t know why she didn’t say anything. There isn’t an option to. Maybe she thought silence was the more peaceful route, or it would give her an upper hand. But, then Helen hears here and panics, pulls out a gun, and Clementine shoots her.

This is the moment.

She shoots this woman in the children’s room, and after examining her body, realizes that she was the one caring for AJ. Clementine is looking over this woman, and you get pieces of her thoughts like-

“She was taking care of him”

“I had no choice”

“I’m sorry”

Then, Clementine finally gets what she’s longed for- she has AJ back... and he’s covered in blood, sobbing, terrified of her. She coaxes him out of the locker and he sees his caretaker dead on the floor.

This scene, with Clementine looking at the body, walking through rubble and fire to put AJ in the car, he’s staring up at her with this unfamiliar look in his eyes.... and she stops for a second...

I truly feel like this is the moment where Clementine is suddenly hit by everything all at once, and she’s actually questioning, “Oh god..... who am I? How did I get here and what have I done?”

She did all of this for AJ, and now she has him, so it was worth it, right? Everything she did was a necessary evil and it was worth it... right?

... but imagine if Clementine did inject Lingard, killing him. She assisted in a man's death to get here. Was taking his life necessary? If you know how the choices work, then no, it’s not. But Clementine doesn’t know that.

If you stopped her, then she still gunned down several people to stand where she is. She’s has left AJ so wounded by killing Helen, and while we know she didn’t have a choice in the moment, AJ doesn’t understand that. He doesn’t even recognize Clementine and she can see that in the way he looks at her.

“Pulling the trigger of a gun and ending a life, Clem...you feel yourself lose something every time.....”

TFS is where I think Clementine has found herself again and that’s why she’s more balanced and likable, and there are more references to Lee and her parents.... yeah, I know it’s mostly the writers doing it for fanservice and to make us cry, but I’m choosing to look at it in the narrative rather than with that intention.

Clementine has AJ back, she’s been raising him the best way she can, she’s taught him to use a gun since he needs to protect himself, and Lee taught her when she was little, too. She’s taught him to read, taught him survival techniques she’s picked up, all that. She’s also more playful with him, she smiles more. She’s not a bitter 13-year-old like in ANF. Survival and safety is #1 and her attitude is mostly serious, but she isn’t afraid to tease or be a little silly.

But here’s the deal..... usually when I replay the series, I’ll leave Lee to turn but I’ll have Clementine tell AJ that if she ever gets bit, he’ll shoot her.

“What?” I hear you say. “But... haven’t you been rambling on and on about how murder bad and how leaving Lee was better because she didn’t have to live with the fact that she killed him?? but you want AJ to?? CJ you make no sense!”

I know that, but allow me to elaborate. Remember, this is all my interpretation after years of replaying this series. This is the narrative I find most enjoyable. This is my Clementine and the way I interpret her.

So, Clementine listens to Lee and leaves him to turn into a walker. He tells her that it won’t be him, he’ll be dead and gone, save the bullet. Yeah, yeah, I already covered this. But remember my “what does this do to Clementine?” question?

I swingin’ back to it because I didn’t really answer it directly, now did I? It’s basically followed up with another question: What if Clementine comes to regret leaving Lee instead of shooting him?

She herself even says that maybe she shouldn’t let him turn, and he tells her he doesn’t want her to have to do that. She listened to him, and left him behind to turn into one of the monsters that tore their world apart. She’s lived with the fact that she’s the reason Lee was bitten, that he died.... but there was always another thing that pricked needles into her guilt: Lee’s a walker. He’s going to spend the rest of eternity as a walker handcuffed to a heater. There is the big possibility that no one will ever find him, will never kill this walker version of him.

Was that the right thing to do?

I don’t know about you, but the walker debate is kinda fun to explore, and oh boy, do they try to explore it in TFS.

It’s easy for us to be like “Nope, there is nothing to walkers because they’re dead. Nothing human is left behind. Leaving Lee is fine.”

…but then I have to ask, why did most people shoot him when the episode released? Why do people still pick that option? You don’t want Lee to be a walker, but at the same time, it’s actually fine because nothing about him would be left behind?

Is it because you couldn’t handle seeing him as a walker and didn’t know if the ending would show it or not? It doesn’t, you know that now. Were you afraid he would hurt anyone else? Well, you chained him up. He’s not going anywhere. He’s no longer a threat.

So why do so many people still choose to shoot Lee and insist it’s the right choice even if by this logic, it doesn’t matter if he’s a walker because it’s not him? Save the bullet, don’t put Clementine through that, right?

Maybe you just like the way the tragedy plays out when Clementine shoots him, and that’s perfectly fine. Maybe you don’t believe there’s more to walkers, but still pick this because how can you not? It’s Lee! He can’t become a walker.

Again, I feel you. My reasons for always shooting him in the past were that. It’s Lee, he can’t become a walker. I can’t do that to him. I love him, and that would be wrong.

But that’s the thing... I believe we’re not the only ones having this debate. Clementine is having this internal debate within herself at different points over the series, but it’s especially prominent in TFS.

Lee asked her to leave him, but was that really the right thing to do? He took care of her, saved her life and taught her to survive, and after he was bitten, she left him to turn into a monster. He didn’t deserve that, but his final wish was for her to leave. Should she have shot him anyway, ignoring his wishes? Would that have been worse? Disrespectful? Is it okay to ignore his wish if you think he’s wrong and you think you know what’s best?

What if there is a part of him still inside that walker form? There’s no way to know that. What if she condemned a part of him to cruel fate because she didn’t shoot him? What if he’s truly gone and she’s worrying herself over nothing? What if she had shot him and needed that bullet later, or what if the noise drew attention?

...What about her parents? They were walkers, too... roaming the street together... are they suffering, too? Or are they truly gone?

I believe this is what lead to her decision to tell AJ that if she ever gets bitten, he should shoot her. All of these thoughts and regrets can resurface depending on your choices, like in the dorms at the beginning of ep2.

AJ: You told me your friend Lee became a monster. But you didn't kill him... because he wasn't a threat. Is that why you didn't kill him?

Clementine: He didn't want me to. He said it would change me forever. But I know he...

AJ: He became a monster. Do you wish you did?

Clementine: Yeah.... Every day.

Or, alternatively:

Clementine: How can you ask me that? What you did is completely different.

AJ: I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to make you mad, at all.

Clementine: .....I...I can still hear him. Telling me not to do it.

AJ: I said I'm sorry.

Clementine: ...I still hear it, sometimes.

and yeah, yeah, I know that this isn’t canon for everyone. Reminder that this is my Clementine interpretation and it’ll probably differ from yours, hence why we’re going over these specific choices.

Looking at these responses, Clementine admits that she wishes she had shot Lee, that even though he told her that it would change her and she shouldn’t have to... she still left him to die alone and change. Maybe she doesn’t even fully understand WHY he asked her to do that... why didn’t he ask her to shoot him? Did he think she couldn’t? Even though he kept telling her that she had it in her to defend herself? Wasn’t he scared of what would happen afterward? What if Lee was so sick and out of it due to the bite that he wasn’t thinking right?

Again, all these kinds of questions could possibly run through her mind, which in turn affects her choice with AJ. She doesn’t want him to go through what she did, to regret letting her turn into another monster. It’ll change him to shoot her, but it’ll also change him to let her turn.... maybe shooting her is the lesser of two evils.

The thing about Clementine is that she’s not a perfect teacher, she doesn’t have all the answers, and all of her experiences reflect in the choices she makes with AJ. She’s trying her best. She loves AJ, he’s her family and she wants what’s best for him. She wants him to be strong, to be a better survivor who can take care of himself if something ever happened to her. But, she’s doesn’t know everything, and she forgets that yeah, AJ’s a kid... and so is she. She’s not some thirty something who has all this world experience and can always make logical decisions in every situation, and neither was Lee.

AJ sees this towards the end of the season when he starts questioning her.

AJ: I always listened to Clem. Always. But...I've been thinking more. I don't know if she's right every time.

So while she truly believes that this is the best thing... she also won’t take AJ himself into account. Well, she does but she fails to ask him what he wants, what he thinks, and when he starts questioning her, she becomes defensive and makes him promise that he’ll shoot her even though he’s saying he doesn’t want to.

Which leads me to two particular scenes that I think reopen the wounds and reaffirm Clementine’s thoughts and fears. We’ll start with the obvious one: James.

I know it’s easy to just call James and his dumb walkers crazy, that walkers aren’t people, yada yada. But for fun, let’s indulge him for a moment. James is a fascinating character study with the way he’s come to view walkers, and he eventually shares these beliefs with Clementine when she asks him for help, and when you leave Lee to turn, you get this conversation:

James: They used them as a weapon. I do this...to protect them. I know it sounds strange. But that's why I brought you here. To see them as I do. As people.

Clementine: As...people?

James: Well, not people, exactly. But... Something in between. Part of us is still in there. Deep down. So few of us die anymore. We turn. Not dead, not alive.

Clementine: God, I hope that's not true. That sounds like Hell.

James: To you, maybe. I think it seems...peaceful.

AJ: Do you really think there's people inside of monsters?

James: Somewhere, yes. Think about it this way... Has someone you cared about turned?

Clementine doesn’t respond.

AJ: Clem's friend, Lee. She let him... but wishes she didn’t.

James: Do you really think...there's nothing left of who he was?

Here’s where my Clementine will remain silent, as you can either agree or disagree with him which doesn’t feel right for her, in this case. Though a little annoying that James takes your silence personally and won’t talk about Charlie later BUT that’s a topic for another ramble.

Anyway, Clementine doesn’t want to think about this. She’s thought about it enough, let it eat away at her longer than she should’ve, and now James is here asking her if she truly believes there’s nothing left inside the walker Lee became? She doesn’t have time to reflect on this, she has to get James’ help to save her friends.

However, I believe this conversation stuck with her, and that’s why she gets more defensive when AJ brings up the idea that if Clem gets bit, then she should bite him, too. Like.... No, absolutely not, AJ. That’s not what we agreed on to do if she gets bit. He’ll shoot her.

Clementine: AJ, we've talked about this. A lot. If I get bit, you know what has to happen.

AJ: I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Clementine: But you brought it up, so we're going to.

AJ: It does something weird to my stomach. Like I'm gonna get the dookies.

Clementine: AJ, I need to know you remember what we talked about. What you're supposed to do if it happens. Listen to me. If I get bit, you'll...?

AJ doesn’t respond.

Clementine: Shoot--

AJ: No! No, I'm not gonna do that.

Clementine: AJ, you promised.

AJ: I don't care. I'm not gonna shoot you! If you get bit, I'd want you to bite me, too.

Clementine: What? You don't mean that.

AJ: I don't want to be alone. Please don't be mad. I can't live with you not with me, Clem. I know we've talked about it. So much. But don't make me.

And like.... here’s an interesting thing if Clementine doubles down on this:

Clementine: Alvin Junior, if you have a gun, you shoot me. If you don't, you use your knife. No knife, a rock to the head. As many times as you have to.

AJ: I said I don't wanna!

Clementine: I don't care what you said. You will do it.

AJ: I don't care what you say!

Clementine: Goddamn it, AJ! You can't break promises.

Like jesus. She is once again so blinded by what she believes is right and what is the best option for AJ that she’s not even thinking about the fact that she’s telling him that yeah, if you have no other options, bash my face in with a rock! Holy shit, Clementine! She isn’t understanding a big thing here, the thing that factored into why Lee told her to leave him.

Of course, there are less harsh responses but I find that one particularly interesting.

Now, lemme explore the other scene: Abel.

So, the beginning of ep3 has Clementine and AJ talking to a tied up Abel about where the raiders took our friends. But it doesn’t take long before Abel starts spitting up blood and panicking that something’s wrong.

Abel: Shit... I never wanted things to end like this. Everything...it all got out of hand. Now look at me. I'm a fucking mess.

AJ: Will he turn?

Abel: No! ...My...my whole life, everything I ever got, I got with my own two hands and...and my will. For my body to turn on me...to take control... I'll tell you where to find Lilly. Just promise you won't let me turn. I'm begging you.

Look, I hate Abel, he sucks..... but I also really like him as an antagonistic character and what they did with him here.

So, we have Abel here begging for them to make sure he doesn’t turn... because Abel believes that letting some turn is cruel, he’ll even admit that he believes there are people inside of walkers and that’s why you put a bullet in them, no one deserves to be a walker.

Abel: You wouldn't do it...you wouldn't let me become...one of those things. What if they...what if they can feel it...when they turn?!

And after he gives you the info-

Abel: You got what you wanted. Please, don't let me become one of those things. Please... I don't want to turn...

Do keep in mind that this happens before the James scene, too. Clementine’s already got this on her mind when she meets up with him and the barn scene plays out.... but this whole thing with Abel is a lot. You can be cruel and torture him or you can play nice, or you can do a bit of both.

And by the way, if you let him turn, it reeeally fucks with AJ. So that’s fun.

Now not only is Clementine trying to work out a plan to get her friends back and trying to protect AJ and all that, but she’s also dealing with these thoughts and ideas presented by Abel and James..... and like, yeah I know the Lee dream sequence was intended for fanservice and to make us cry.... but I dunno, kinda funny timing that she would have a dream about Lee that night after going through both of those events in the same day as well as doing prep to infiltrate the boat.

While I love the dream sequence and this interpretation I’m talking about probably wasn’t all that intentional given that this would've been the perfect moment to explore or even hint at it but they don’t.... but it’s fine, it’s perfectly logical that she’s more worried about her friends who are still alive rather than if she did the right thing with Lee.

I think it’s time I move onto the actual bitten Clementine stuff before this turns into a novel sooo.... Clementine gets bit after she and AJ get separated from Louis/Violet/Tenn. She’s bitten on her wounded leg, and after all the chaos of getting away from walkers and climbing up to safety... Clementine just lies there for a bit.

And you can feel it, y’know? She and AJ knew what happened, but Clementine still has to confirm it... and when she pulls away part of her boot to reveal the bite... she lets out a deep breath and says she got bit..... but they gotta keep moving forward. No time, gotta get up, gotta keep moving, gotta get AJ to safety. Nothing else matters.

So they walk. They walk until it’s morning and Clementine starts to look awful... and I think most of us took this opportunity to tell AJ she loves him.

Then all hell breaks loose, they’re surrounded by walkers and have to hide out in James’ walker barn, but Clementine’s too weak to fight. This is when the game starts to have us take control of AJ, switching us between the two as Clementine shoots walkers and AJ shuts the doors.

Until Clementine runs out of ammo.

The walkers are locked out, they’re catching their breath... and now they have a whole new problem to deal with. Clementine’s bitten, and AJ, similar to how little Clementine was, tells Clementine she needs to try to get up and leave with him.

Clementine: Good job, AJ. You did it.

AJ: Now what?

Clementine: You need to find a way out of here.

AJ: We can climb up there. The monsters can't reach us up there. Let's go. Easy climb. C'mon. Please...try. You can't give up! You can't give up! I need you! I need you...

She can’t get up.

Clementine: I'm so sorry, kiddo. This is just what happens sometimes.

AJ: But...but it wasn't supposed to happen to you!

Sigh.... now here it is. This is another big moment in Clementine’s character that changes everything. It’s that moment at McCarroll Ranch again- it all hits her at once.

Clementine: I need to make sure you remember.

AJ: Remember what?

Clementine: The rules. What's number one?

AJ: Never...never go alone. So...so I can't leave. Not without you.

Clementine: AJ...

AJ: It's your rule!

Clementine: You won't be alone. Not for long. Get back to the school.

AJ: I don't know how.

Clementine: Sure you do. One of the first things I ever taught you. You need to make sure they can't smell you. So... grab that axe.

She’s dying, she’s going to die and leave AJ behind.

Clementine: Next rule: what do we do when the monsters come?

AJ: Clem...

Clementine: AJ...

AJ: Shoot them in the head.

Clementine: Got any more ammo?

AJ: There isn't any more.

Clementine: Okay, then. Fuck. And...the last rule?

AJ: I want to stay. With you. I know what will happen. And...and I don't care. I don't want to go. I just want to sit next to you and...and stay. Like that monster couple, from the train station. No one would hurt us. Just...sitting. Forever.

Clementine: I don't want you to leave, either.

AJ: Then don't make me!

Clementine: But it's not about what I want. It's about what you need. And you need to go.

AJ: Okay, Clem. Okay.

Clementine: Last rule.

AJ: No...

Clementine: What do we do if I get bit? ....Are you gonna make me say it?

And this is Clementine truly realizes, understands for the first time why Lee made the choice he did... why he asked her to leave him.

Clementine: Just leave.

AJ: I can't let you turn into a monster.

Clementine: You have to.

AJ: But before, you said...

Clementine: I know. But now that we're here... My heart is saying something else.

She finally gets it.

When Lee said she’s in his shoes now...? She IS in his shoes finally understanding a part of their situation years ago that she never could. For years, she questioned how he could ask her to leave him, WHY he did. She questioned if she did the right thing, regretted listening to him.... but now that they’re here and she’s presented with the same choice Lee was... she understands why her reasons for asking AJ to shoot her if she gets bitten were skewed, that what she thought was preventively protecting him from more hurt was only doing more damage. He’s already taken a life, and just like Lee said, he’s losing a part of himself every time he does it, and if she told him to shoot Lilly, too? and if he shot Tenn?

What is killing Clementine with an axe going to do to AJ?

What is leaving Clementine to become a walker going to do to him?

What is the right thing to do?

Well, for Clementine, her answer is to ask him to leave. She knows she told him differently, but that was when this scenario was merely a “what if?” Now it’s happening and she sees the errors in her thinking, and no matter what happens now, she’s going to die. Maybe she’ll feel it, like Abel said. Maybe James is right and she’ll spend the rest of her undead life alone in this barn. Maybe nothing will happen. It doesn’t matter.

But... we all know, AJ has another solution up his sleeve that Clementine never considered.

He turns to leave her... and then turns back around and disobeys her wishes... and chops off her bitten leg.

And she fucking survives.

Clementine survives her walker bite.

AJ did what little Clementine back in s1 couldn’t do... he didn’t listen to her, and this time, it worked in their favor.

Clementine: When we were in the barn, you didn't listen to me. And if you had...I'd be dead. You'll have to be strong for the both of us.

AJ: You made it so I can. So...thank you. For everything.

Clementine: You're welcome. For everything.

Clementine still has a lot of things to work though, especially now that she only has one leg. She can’t move around the way she could before, she has to completely relearn how to walk on crutches, possibly a peg leg. She gets to sit down and breathe, rely on others and do some reflection on who she is and come to terms with all the pain she suffered, and grow from there.

Now that she understands why Lee did what he did, she can take a step in the right direction of forgiving herself, to atone for all the mistakes she’s made and the people she’s hurt.

She has a boyfriend/girlfriend/friends there at her side to listen and love her, she has AJ, she has her lovable pupper Rosie, and she has a home... for the first time since she was little, she has a home and she can find herself again. Keep movin’ forward.

This is my favorite line of choices, my favorite way to interpret the connection between Lee and Clementine’s scenes, and how I view Clementine’s growth and understanding as a character in TFS. There are so many ways for it all to play out, no Clementine is the same between players, and I dunno I just... I find the whole thing so compelling.

Clementine is such a fun character to discuss, to compare interpretations of, and I’m sorry for such a long post but this is another thing I’ve wanted to throw out there for a while. Now that I’m done, I’m gonna go make some tea and chill out.

#twdg #twdg clementine #twdg lee #twdg aj #twdg kenny #twdg javi #long post #twdg james #twdg abel

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trashcanfanfics · 3 years

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Hmm, Angel Dust with an S/o noble overlord who managed to break Angel's contract with Val and take him away from him. fluff mixed with a little nsfw :)

I'm gonna be honest, whenever I think about Angel, all I wanna do is get him tf out of Val's reach

Also, only slight nsfw because I'm not confident in my abilities to write a full on scene for that, I'm sorry :(

Angel had come home, covered in bite marks and his own blood again. You watched from the couch with your book in hand as he walked in through the front door. It worried you, that he would come home like this, broken and defeated.

"Welcome home, my love," you spoke softly as you rose up to go greet him, setting the book aside. He mumbled out a half assed greeting in response. As soon as you were close enough, you hugged him tightly. Angel wrapped both sets of arms around you and let out a shaky sigh. It sounded like he was ready to cry.

"Would you like a bath? I'll draw you one." You gently let go before you grabbed his lower left hand to lead him to the huge bathroom centered around a giant clawfooted tub. Refusing to let go of his hand, you turned the knob to start the water and waited for the right temperature before plugging the drain.

Once the tub was full, you stood, facing him and gently helped him take off his clothes. You barely grazed your hand across one of the marks, making him hiss in pain. This made your blood boil. You were sick of this. Angel coming home beaten, marked, and in despair. You won't stand for this anymore. He had begged you not to get involved, said that it'd be worse if you intervened. You helped him into the tub once he was fully undressed.

"Ya not gonna join me?" He asked in a small voice, he was tryng to sound playful but it came out sad, defeated. You smiled weakly and shook your head.

"No, I thought I'd just wash you tonight, if that's alright with you." You liked doing this after he came home like this, offering him a choice. Giving him the freedom to ask for what he wanted. There was a sneaking suspicion you had that said he just wanted to wash off and sleep. The bags under his eyes helped this theory.

"That sounds nice." He sank deeper into the tub as you turned the knob off and helped him clean the blood out of his fur. The gentle motions of running your hands in his soft hair was enough to let his shoulders droop in relaxation. Your mind drifted off while you cleaned him. You kissed his head, healing his wounds, a habit now.

Valentino will no longer hurt your beloved. You would not allow him to do this anymore. These past few weeks you've been researching and studying dealmaking. The processes, terms, and ways to look into loopholes. All you have to do is get your hands on the physical contract to see what you can find. If you couldn't find anything, you'd just set the contract on fire and hit Valentino before running away.

After Angel was fully clean, you grabbed his favorite embroidered towel and helped him out of the bath. Once again grabbing his hand, you lead him to your shared bedroom and helped him into the softest pajamas he owns. He laid down under the silky sheets on the plush mattress and snuggled into it. You changed into your own pajamas before snuggling in with him. Your fingers gently brushed through his hair as softly sang him to sleep. You ran your thumb across the slight purple under his eye, noting how exhausted he looked even in sleep.

~*~

You woke up to the early birdsong of the morning glory in your garden and gently disentangled yourself from Angel's many armsnd made your way over to the edge. There, you stood straight and rounded the bed quietly to place a soft kiss to his forehead. With one last glance, and a whispered "I love you", you turned off the light and left the room, down the hall, out the front door. You're going to pay that bastard a visit.

~*~

Angel woke up feeling better and less sore than he expected. He sat up and looked over to his loving partner's side of the bed only to frown. They weren't there. Getting up, he stretched and decided to look in the kitchen. Maybe they had gotten up already and were making breakfast, though they usually would have the staff take care of it. He didn't know why, they were an amazing cook and it was always a treat when you did make meals.

"S/o? Ya in here, babes?" He opened the door to see the cooks already making breakfast, one handed him a coffee when they passed by to get to some more ingredients, but you weren't there. They looked pretty busy, so he decided to take his cup and search elsewhere.

He checked the dining room, library, living room, their study, parlor, hell, even the garden (saying hi to Nuggets in his own little mansion on the way), but they weren't in any of those places! Where are they? He was getting worried now.

"Uh, excuse me, sire?" Angel looked to the speaker of the voice to see a small demon that reminded him slightly of Niffty. "My liege has left a note for you, sire." The demon handed him a small piece of paper, bowed, and then skittered off. Angel will never get used to the treatment here. He shook his head and focused on the paper.

"My dearest love, I will be out for a short while, but don't fret, I'll be home soon with a surprise and a gift. I love you very much, S/o." He read aloud. "Aren't gifts and surprises the same thing?" He decided to not worry about that and smiled as he imagined when you'd be back.

~*~

You entered your home tired and frazzled, but with a smile beaming with happiness. You had successfully gotten rid of the contract between Valentino and Angel. Now it was time to tell your lover and give him the gifts you bought him.

"My heart? I'm home!" You called into the foyer as you went deeper into the house. You checked the living room and parlor before you were wrapped up in an embrace of four arms.

"Babes! Where were ya? I woke up an' you were gone," he mumbled in your ear. You smiled and pat one of his arms to release you. He let go and you turned to face him, holding out all the gift bags you were carrying.

"S/o, what the fuck happened to you? You're bleeding!" At his exclaimation you look down to actually take yourself in and realize he's right. You were so caught up in finally setting him free and getting him gifts that you didn't notice the small cuts. Laughing, you wave your hand and fix yourself up with your abilities.

"So I was, thank you, lovely. Now, here!" You, once again, offer him the gift bags. He takes them in his lower set of hands and uses the upper set to hold your shoulders.

"We ain't gonna roll past that you were hurt, even if ya can heal them. Who did it?" There was murder in his eyes. Your gaze softened and you laughed softly.

"I was going to wait until you opened the gifts and ask 'what's the occasion?' But you seem so eager," you paused to reach up and hold his face in your hands, "Anthony Messina, you are no longer under contract with the overlord Valentino. You are a free man, my love." The expression on his face was nothing short of shock.

"What? Are you serious?" His eyes fill with tears as he breathes and realizes you're right. Angel wouldn't be able to feel Valentino's chains anymore. He was free. "I can't believe it." He lets out a laugh and the tears fall, ruining his make up. Angel lifts you up and kisses you hard.

"My star," you whispered when you parted. He kissed you again with more passion. Your hands travelled through his soft locks, relishing in the feeling.

"Caro mia." He kissed you again, longer this time. The bags fell from his lower arms which then made their way to your thighs, wrapping them around his waist.

"Shall we take this to the room, sweetling?" You asked when you separated again. Angel nodded vigorously and carried you, all the while kissing you.

In the room, you hear him kick the door closed and then lock the door with one of his arms. You continue to kiss and run your tongue along his bottom lip, asking for entrance, which he happily gives. Hands found their way to the other's clothes, ripping them off in urgency to feel each the naked bodies beneath.

You wiggled your half naked form from his arms and separated the kiss. Before he could complain, you grabbed his lower left hand and yanked him over to the bed, effortlessly throwing him onto it. You crawled on top of him and kissed him lovingly, caressing his face and then down his chest and finally resting on his hips, giving a small squeeze. Parting from his lips, you said a sentence that set his body on fire.

"I'm going to show you what a true claiming feels like."

#hazbin hotel x reader #angel dust x reader #trashcan answers you

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demenior · 3 years

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Dem’s Big Post About The Spn Fics Part 1/2

aka The Wrap Up to celebrate To Exist Again and To Become a Man now being finished!

(This will be a long post. This is your only warning.)

Admittedly this is a bit of a weird thing to be doing, but I wanted to try it out for 3 reasons:

I love talking about my own work and

It functions really well as a self-reflective tool for me to improve on, and

I can answer some big questions people might have because there was a LOT of worldbuilding in these stories.

We’ll start off with reflective stuff, and move into the juicier world-building focused stuff later into the post. There will be major spoilers for both fics to come!

To begin with a funny anecdote, Why Did I Write These Stories?

I was beginning to write and work out the story that I wanted to write for Spn (what will now be To Destroy a Man. As I was writing the scene, I realized I had a LOT of ideas and while I was trying to avoid as much exposition as I could, it became quickly apparent that I was needing to create my own au (this scene eventually became chapter 34 of To Become a Man). A short prequel seemed like a good idea, to quickly hash out the ‘prior’ events that I needed to go through so all the readers could be on the same page. While plotting out prequel points, I realized Sam and Dean were going to have drastically different experiences during the same time period, and I was trying to figure out who’s pov would be better for which scenes, and how to keep momentum when they’re going through such radically different types of changes. Ultimately I decided to split their povs, which I also thought would be a fun project! And I naively assumed each pov would take about 2 chapters each, rounding out to maybe 15k total.

I had my ending points: Dean n Cas soul-merged and (basically) married, Cas on the lam from heaven and a complete anomaly, and Sam juiced up full of powers and a weird mix of archangel and antichrist but still 100% human and ready to fight God.

Now I needed to add weight to these changes, so I wrote 200k of build-up.

Am I proud of these fics?

OF COURSE I AM!!! These are the longest fics I’ve ever written AND finished AND in the fastest freakin turnaround ever (both were finished writing, barring edits, in like 6 months holy shit)

I didn’t write a single scene that I “didn’t” want to write. If I had trouble writing it, as in it was fighting me, I scrapped it. Most obviously was the scene in Dean’s pov where he and Sam were intended to meet some other hunters and Dean declines working with them because he’s nervous about being outed as queer. It was meant to be a good scene! I wanted to introduce some new characters! But it just wasn’t working so I said ‘thank you, next!’.

But it means this story was an absolute joy to write. Because for a while all I was doing was ‘if I wanted to write one scene into supernatural, what would I write?’ and then just DID that!! It’s why there’s a lot of ‘Salmondean do dumb shit or have really dumb heartfelt conversations’ scenes.

Would I change anything?

If I’d been less eager to start sharing, I might have planned out the story beats a little tighter so there were less ‘soft’ chapters and a draw/pull for people to come back and keep reading. I felt Dean’s story specifically lagged at points and could have used some tighter editing (there was a noticeable lull in directed movement between Dean n Cas getting together, until Sam corrupts Amy).

I also probably would have held Sam’s story until I’d finished Dean’s so I could make the two line up better! Probably could have inserted more scenes into Sam’s fic that way, and made sure things were a little more consistent. In an ideal world one concept I had was to release 1 chapter from each pov every week that would correspond to the same time frame so we’d be getting real-time SalmonDean pov narrative. Unfortunately that didn’t work!

The biggest takeaway overall is for me to focus more on what moves the plot, and to make my scenes do more than 1 thing so I can cut down on wordcount and increase my efficiency.

Of course every writer will find things they want to fix in anything they’ve ever written, so these are minor “mistakes” at best. I’m so dang proud of these fics.

Onto more interesting things!

How Did I Put These Fics Together (because it’s different than anything I’ve ever done before)

Normally when I write a story, I plan out the beats I need to hit, see where I need to insert any kind of foreshadowing/buildup, and then write from A to B to C and so on and so forth. Hence, this is why I can normally post things as I complete chapters, because it’s all a linear progression.

For these two stories, rather than linear plot/a normal story structure, I just sat and free-wrote any and every scene that came to mind and then pieced them into a kinda-linear form like putting a quilt together. You’ll note that this is why there’s not a lot of internal callback or a feeling of sense of time flowing within the fic (save for points where I went back and specifically edited it in). How long does the story take place over? Hard to say! Your author has the barest grasp on linear time even on a good day (how many times did I say ‘see you on [wrong day]’ at the end of chapters lmaaoooo)

This also meant EXTENSIVE editing on the back end once I decided in what order I wanted my ‘quilt pieces’ to be. Hard to say if this is a bonus or a negative!

But I did want to try and capture the vibe of the lives they lead, as a bit of a ‘slice of life’-style story, when the slice of life is the profound weirdness of the Winchester roaming life, and how things are status quo- until everyone almost dies oh shit!! And then they have to keep living because no therapy we die/undie like Winchesters. Do I think I captured this effectively? Hmm. Good question.

Dem where the FUCK did the inspiration for a lot of the magic and creature weirdness even come from?

Honestly? Music, primarily. And completely mishearing lyrics!

Nightwish ‘Ever Dream’: the line is ‘my song can but borrow you grace’ and because my brain is scrambled eggs on a good day, I heard ‘grace’ ‘song’ and ‘borrow’ in that order and have had, for YEARS, the mental image of Cas borrowing Dean’s soul to power himself up for battle.

From there I’ve always been enamored with the ‘wavelength of celestial intent’ descriptor that Cas drops in s6 for “what he is”.

I also really like ocean metaphors mostly because I’ve been obsessed with the ocean and things in it since I was like… 5??? So really this was me just rolling with what I know lmao. I love using (somewhat) accurate scientific metaphors for very intangible things!

I was also finishing my degree in biology/ecology while writing these fics and I think it shows

Stars ‘The Night Starts Here’ gives us the series title and the fic titles. Except for ‘To Exist Again’. TEA was almost titled ‘The Upwards Fall’ because I wanted all 3 of the Main Stories to have titles from this song, but I couldn’t make anything else work in tandem with the series name ‘The Love It Takes’ while also working for Sam’s personal story. So Sam, as always, is the rebel <3

Stars ‘Up In Our Bedroom, After The War’ is basically the vibes of the whole story. TFW has been, literally, to hell and back!!! There’s a bit of melancholy and sadness, a lingering dark, but the chance of a bright new tomorrow and a soft start.

Let’s Talk About Themes in The Story! What were you looking to accomplish?

My earliest notes for TFW are, as follows:

Dean’s journey of self-discovery (who am I when I’m not trying to be Dad?)

Dean wants to settle down! He wants a big family! He wants to be domestic!

Basically: Dean doesn’t want to have a short life of hunting. He wants to live!

Dean’s journey of realizing he’s bi, and him accepting that

Dean’s relationship to Sam is both older brother/parent

And continuing Dean balancing these roles while also letting Sam be an adult

Dean’s Big Issues/Fears about never being good enough for people to want to stay with him (these are effectively highlighted in that Cas thinks he’s not useful enough to be wanted)

Sub Plot:

Castiel’s autonomy

Cas’ fall from grace, to trying to restore Heaven, to wrecking it further

He’s majorly depressed by the end of s7 (before purgatory)

Wants to stay in Purgatory but doesn’t tell Dean

Remains depressed after leaving, but resolved to keep living on because he’s clearly meant for something

After the seraphim reveal: does he have free will?! How does he grapple with this? How does he live in a way he can be proud of?

And lastly

Sam gets his powers back CAUSE THATS HOT

where tf did they go????

he got them from Lucifer?????

sleeper agent??????

Sam is The Chosen One

Accepts that he is More Than Human and to celebrate all parts of him

Lucifer and Sam friends?? Work together????

Sam needs autonomy in his choices/his life

If you compare these to the overall arc of TFW within the two stories, I think I got a lot of them! But you’ll also note a lot of these things aren’t concrete goals that are easily measurable (ex: Dean wants to learn to bake pie. In chapter 1 he starts a fire in the kitchen. By the end of the story he finally makes A Good Pie.) part of the lack of concrete milestones was why I felt it was important to tell Dean (and Cas’) story by going back to the point they meet, in s4! Dean’s gradual change towards his feelings for Cas, his relationship to Sam (heavily influenced by the s7 events of this fic) and then his own relationship with himself were such slow burns that I felt it would be a disservice to try and cram a change like that into a timeline like “1 year”.

I felt like these subtle changes and adjustments actually felt a lot truer to life-- people often change in very small, gradual ways over time, even without realizing it and often times not consistently! If only we could all gain skills like the sims, where we can easily level up and remain at that high level of performance!

So the Guy Who Ate Satan, A Celestial Nuke that Developed Sentience, and Dean walk into a bar…

Sam’s story in Spn The Show has always been a ‘chosen one’ kind of narrative. Sam is living with one foot in the realm of the monsters, and I wanted to bring that back full force! It really makes sense for him that he should only continue to grow in power, might, and magic!! As the story progresses.

Cas also got a power up! I do desperately love in the show that he was kind of a grunt/nothing angel, and so even when he defected to TFW he was a huge help for them, but in the scale of things he was an annoying fly to most other angels. It really worked for the underdog story of s4/5. In this I wanted to give him a power up, and originally it was actually going to be close contact with Sam that eventually changed Cas into something unknown (you can still see traces of this in ch34 of TBAM, where Death remarks ‘Castiel could be [Sam’s] first creation’. But for a combo of reasons: how Sam’s magic needed to have intent, the entire concept of free will and consent, and how much I wanted Dean and Cas to have their effect on each other, I decided to go with the route that Cas has actually always been something angel-adjacent rather than becoming something new. TFW/Supernatural has always been about free will and making your own story, so I amplified that with Cas.

Dean has always been A Normal Guy, which is part of the appeal of him and Sam (2 normal dudes!) taking on the Very Not Normal. As explained above, Sam’s story is ‘normal guy finds out he’s the chosen one’ and so, in a story about very large concepts and huge monsters and acts of magic, I felt it was very important to keep Dean as normal as possible. To the point it became a running gag to me, personally, in that ‘no matter what cool shit happens around him, Dean has to stay as Just A Guy’. And it’s a very humanizing role that allows the story to have the scale it does!

What were the most important themes in your story?

Sam’s Autonomy

I wasn’t even going to include the plot about Lucifer’s death in this story— that was going to come up in a later story, actually! And rather than Sam having ate Lucifer, the original idea was that they’d become a SamandLucifer entity (this harkens back to a concept I wanted to write when Swan Song first aired).

That storyline would have involved a lot of mental ‘Sam and Lucifer discuss what it means to live, which one of them is more worthy of life and if they do deserve to destroy the world for the pain they’ve been forced to go through, just to create the dichotomy of good and evil for everyone else’ discussions. There would be a lot of talk about how Sam hates and fears Lucifer for the pain Lucifer put on Sam, how Lucifer hates Sam because he and Sam are the same but Sam’s brother loves him anyways, etc.

Ultimately that was scrapped because Sam’s entire story in the show is always about how the world and everyone around him manipulates him and that he never actually gets to make choices about his own life or body that aren’t influenced or part of someone elses’ design. And that always bothered me that Sam was never allowed to be himself without having to be ashamed of it, and I wanted to make sure that Sam’s triumph of being proud of himself/proudly choosing to exist (again) was evident in his story

In the end I needed Sam to have this visceral win over his tormentor. As the story shows, in this case Lucifer was abused and put into a position where he was incapable of empathy and could only express himself in violence. Sam even understands this! But it doesn’t change the fact that Lucifer tortured Sam in unimaginable ways for thousands of years.

With that in mind I didn’t like the idea of Lucifer and Sam having “co-ownership” of their new identity, so I made the choice that Sam had to be the survivor. This tied in well with Sam’s new crusade to restore free will to the universe, because he’s breaking the narrative of his own story!

While Castiel wasn’t a pov character, his own autonomy and free will was equally as important. You’ll note that many, many paragraphs and conversations revolved around that theme and that in the end Cas followed himself (and love!) which ensured his freedom of self <3

The Brothers are WEIRD PEOPLE!!!! And Codependent to a Worrying Degree, but It’s Also How They Survive

It’s very hard to show “unusual” relationships when you’re writing from the pov of the two people who don’t think there’s anything weird about their relationship. Sure, they say ‘yeah it’s probably weird that we still share a bed’ but that’s kinda more in line with ‘I had a nightmare and I want to be close to the person who makes me feel safe’. Hashtag normalize co-sleeping when you need it!!!

From there I did try to point out how the boys have a weird perception of lifestyle in the little things they did.

From thrifting everything from clothes to appliances to books (thrifting is a valid lifestyle! It’s incredibly handy when you’re on a budget.)

To never actually having condiments or knowing how to use a dishwasher cause they’ve lived in a car, a motel room, or squatted in old houses their whole life.

I tried to have them wear each others’ clothes or casually swap things as much as possible. They live out of each others’ pockets!

Also the brothers are just weird people!! It’s hard to show from their pov, cause they don’t know how far off from normal they are, but like…

Everything about Sam and Amelia was NOT right like holy shit those two were wilding in their grief. They are very lucky things worked out for them and that they got to be hashtag Weird Girls together

Dean explicitly, in the story, gets horny after killing stuff!! Violence has done a number on his psyche and he’s gotten some wires crossed that maybe shouldn’t have been, or maybe could be worked out in a safe space but… uh… how likely do we think Dean is gonna go find a safe space to deal with any of his shit???

LOVE!!! Love is truly what this whole story is all about

If you’ve read the stories, you know how much emphasis I put on love. Love is the strongest force in the Spn Universe! It’s what averted the apocalypse and saved the world (Swan Song), it’s what created free will (Cas’ entire arc!) I love love!!!!

I went out of my way to not put any definitions on platonic love vs romantic love because I think love is love is love and how you express that is the difference. Neither is more powerful than the other because LOVE is powerful!! Sam and Cas are the most important people in Dean’s life and he loves them equally! He shows this by giving Cas kisses and stealing Sam’s socks.

It’s a personal pet peeve of mine when I have to hear explanations like ‘I love you, like a brother’ or ‘I love you, but like, as a friend because I’m a lesbian and you’re a man’ etc etc in media. If you have to continuously define how your characters love each other, then I don’t think you’re doing a good job of portraying their relationship. So you’ll see that I never put those parameters in any conversation. Dean DOES muse that he loves Cas differently than he loves Sam or Bobby, specifically because there is a romantic and sexual tone that his feelings for Cas takes, but not because he loves Cas more or less than he loves Sam or Bobby.

Which means, if you haven’t realized it yet, the Series + Fic Titles are meant to be a complete sentence because the power of love IS the thesis of this series:

The Love It Takes To Exist Again (Sam’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Become a Man (Dean’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Destroy a Man (TBA)

And now for fun stuff. Behind the scenes!!

What’s Something People Probably Don’t Know?

The demonic fungal/hydrothermal vent growth on Sam’s arm was thrown in literally as I was posting the chapter because I had just finished a 48 hour cram session of writing a report on tube worms for an ecology class (I was chanting my tube worm song as I wrote it) and it ended up being a HUGE hit with both readers and myself. But it was so last minute I had trouble fitting it in more throughout the rest of Sam’s story!

Cas’ orders? That may or may not have bound him to Dean and removed his free will? Were written into Sam’s story and I went ‘oh SHIT that’s compelling’ and then left them there as a ‘guess I’ll figure that out when I get to Dean’s story lol’

Originally Dean and Cas were supposed to get together after having their souls bonded, and have been in a UST limbo the entire time before that. Mostly because I think the entire concept of ‘we just got married of the soul I guess we should try dating?’ is very funny. CLEARLY the two of them were way more eager to fall in love than I anticipated (thank you Cas for your honesty) but you can still see shades of this original idea here and there (especially in ch35 of TBAM)

I never intended Dean and Benny to connect so well!! Benny was going to reunite with Andrea, she was going to live, and they were going to go off into the world and leave the story. And, uh, here we are. I’m still debating if I need to adjust the relationship tag or not haha. Polyamory is fun, especially when I was planning for Sam to be the polyamorous brother...

Speaking of, I can’t believe I forgot about Sam and his sexuality! If I rewrote TEA I would have had Sam contemplate more on his lack of sexual appetite due to trauma, up until he meets Benny and he gets to rediscover how he wants to be a sexual person

Many of Sam and Dean’s absolutely stupid sibling conversations were lifted near-verbatim from conversations I’ve had with my siblings

And lastly...

Dem where’s Kevin????????????? Where is our sweet baby boy????????

He’s SAFE!! He’s in the Hunter pipeline somewhere cause Sam handed him off to Bobby’s people. He and his mom are safe and at some point they probably got rib sigils like SalmonDean did against angels, but for demons. I didn’t have room in this story for him!!! But my baby boy is SAFE and I want to get him back to university because it’s WHAT HE DESERVES!!!!

To that point: god there were/are SO many characters that I just didn’t include in the story so far because I didn’t feel comfortable including them without stalling the story for them. To that point: pretty much everyone who is alive/dead in s8 is that way in this story, except Bobby who gets to live.

[Check Out Part 2 for reader questions!]

#the love it takes series #to exist again fic #to become a man fic #dem speaks

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asterekmess · 4 years

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S3A - E1

Okay, instead of making like massive reblogs of thoughts as I have them for the episodes, I’m gonna just make a massive bullet point list that I’ll add to throughout the episode, so you get One post per episode instead of “Like all nine million of them.”

I put Read-More’s because I care.

Thoughts (of which I have far too many):

I’m in the first ten seconds of the fuckin episode. Why the fuck is Braeden electrocuting Isaac? Like, look, I wanna like Braeden. I have issues with her entire moral system, but I still wanna like her cus’ she saves Isaac. But...how am I supposed to do that when the literal first thing she does is electrocute my boy??? He’s knocked out, not DEAD (not that that’s how shocking someone’s heart even Works) and it’s not like she needs to trigger the healing process. He’s already got Gaping slash wounds on his chest. He’s hurt enough. ALSO. “Be quiet”?? R U Serious? You’re electrocuting him. YOU try being quiet with fucking jumper cables on your chest.

The CGI...is so bad. Oh my god. What the absolute fuck. it looks like Sharkboy & Lavagirl. And why aren’t Ethan & Aiden’s claws doing anything to the bike?

I AM CONFUSION. If the twins don’t have to take their pants off to do the Transformers shit, why do they have to take off their shirts? Can...can I just skip that? Make the big bad werewolf wear an ugly hybrid of two of their stupid ass sweaters? Or do Ethan and Aiden really just like being shirtless that much? (I wouldn’t put it past them)

What is with Braeden and the electricity?

The writing in this show, what the fuck? “I thought I told you to hold on” EXCUSE ME, ma’am. He literally just passed out. His bad I guess.

Guess who has to add the anti-scott tag to this now? Anyway, I hate that Allison’s bit in the intro is her kissing Scott and then drawing the bow. Like, they’re broken up. They don’t get together in this season. Why are they kissing in the intro? That had to have Totally pissed off Scallison fans.

There’s my boy, holding up lizard tattoo designs. Pls tell me he took a pic and sent it to Jackson with the caption “It’s YOU.” Like, yes, way too soon, but man it’s fuckin funny.

This tattoo artist is a good-ass salesman. However, p-sure he’s not a good-ass artist if he had to wrap Scott’s arm up That badly. Like...they have stuff for that. Fuck, the one I got on my ankle, they used SaranWrap and Tape. Just needs to be kept out of the open air for a bit. You don’t need like eight layers of gauze. I do feel for Scott tho. That tat probably cost him like $50-75 before the tip. Oof.

Eyyy, time to be salty. Ya’ll know I love Allison, but does it get any more clear that she totally bailed on everyone after the warehouse? She went to France! She doesn’t even know what happened to Jackson after he got cured. ALSO. Lydia says “Derek taught him the werewolf 101.” Not Scott. Derek. XP

Lydia, honey, leave Allison alone. If she doesn’t want to go on the double date, go alone and make it an orgy. Fun, right? Wait, no. Don’t. You’re 16. Don’t do that!

When exactly did they “agree to give each other the summer”? She said “I’m breaking up with you.” he said “I’ll wait” and then she cried into her dad’s arms. Like...why didn’t we get to see this apparently incredibly important conversation? (maybe because it didn’t happen??)

I fucking LOVE the “I’m just gonna say hi. HEYYYYY! You know....they probably didn’t see us.”

The most horrific thing about that moment was the bad CGI.

I WANNA POINT OUT how cute it is (in a like, sad way cus’ she’s terrified) that Lydia is close enough to Stiles now that she immediately goes for his side and they like insta connect with the eye contact. Not in like a Stydia way, but like, they’re close. she trusts him and goes to him when she’s scared, even though he’s human and you’d wonder if she shouldn’t go to Scott instead, since he’s the werewolf.

SCOTT WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING THE DEAD DEER. Your ability to smell chemosignals/sense emotions has nothing to do with touching. Stop poking the dead animal.

Wait, WHY is there a full moon in that shot? The full moon isn’t for like a week! I COUNTED.

...what? Why the fuck does Braeden think Scott’s an Alpha? Why tho? Like, seriously? WHY? He’s not an Alpha yet. Nowhere near it. And if she knows bc Deaton told her (i think he was the one who hired her) then shouldn’t she know he isn’t one yet? IF SHE KNOWS that she can tell Melissa abt werewolves, WHY doesn’t she know that Scott’s Melissa’s son? Where is the LOGIC?

Scott’s morning routine is giving me Legally Blonde vibes. ~my perrrfectt dayyy, nothing standing in my wayyy~

I can’t tell. did Allison get highlights, or straight up dye her hair brown?

This sweet moment between her and her dad. Yes. Pls.

I will admit, I like getting to see each of their mornings.

Lydia...who are you fucking? Honey, you’re sixteen. Why isn’t whoever the fuck is in bed with you also getting ready for school? What.....the fuck?

Completely different Beacon Hills High School set. I really can’t blame the writers for that.

Wtf Davis? You list Erica and Boyd as being 17...since when? They’re supposed to be entering their Junior Year of high school. They would be 16 GOING ON 17. ANd what the hell do you mean Erica’s birthday is August 16th? She said in the last season that she’d “Just turned 16 a month ago” that was Spring semester. ???? Come on, guys. Seriously. Writing 101, getting to know your characters. I don’t know anyone writing a novel who doesn’t know the exact birthday of their characters. Plus, they cut 2 in. from Gage Golightly’s actual height, while adding an inch to Sinqua’s (according to google, which isn’t always reliable) Whatever. Boooooo.

Uh...that principal was threatened by the Argents. Victoria herself promised to torture him if he didn’t resign. Why does he look so surprised by the fucking sword in his office? For that matter, why is he at the school at all? He KNOWS the Argents attacked him. This should cause problems!

Honestly, Lydia, I love you. Like, go for it. Nothing wrong with not wanting to date and just wanting to have fun. My issues stem from YOU BEING 16. Yes, teenagers have sex. But this is ridiculous. Why is there so much sexualization? I knew a grand total of like....two teenagers who had sex at 16? and like one who did at 15 (which they say in canon she and Jackson were banging before her birthday). Like, it’s not nearly as common as y’all are making it out to be. Knock it off.

WHEN DID MELISSA MEET ISAAC PROPERLY? WHEN did that HAPPEN?

....so why didn’t Derek answer the phone? They literally never explain? He shows up, so...why didn’t he answer?

I’m SO InCredibly Disturbed by Jennifer having everyone’s phone numbers. HOW? In What Way is that REMOTELY appropriate? WHY did no one question it? Why didn’t STILES or LYDIA question it?

So tiny, bugs me so much. He didn’t turn his phone off. He turned his screen off...is it that hard to have him do the right one?

uhhh. Werewolves can smell other werewolves. Wanna tell me why Isaac can’t tell a werewolf just walked in the room? An ALPHA no less?

why TF are Kali’s iris’ and pupils so fucking massive?

So...what was the deal with the birds? Don’t they say later that Jennifer like summoned them? So they aren’t from the Alpha pack scaring animals? And also, how would the Alpha pack be scaring animals if they’re like, in the middle of town? They said in S1 that “wild animal sightings are up” like what 75% or something? “As though something is scaring them out” but that made sense, bc we knew Peter was running around in his full-shift (it’s a fucking full shift, it’s just fucked up) in the woods. But these Alphas aren’t, they’re integrating. So is it Jennifer that the animals are afraid of? Like, does she have sPoOkY aura or something?

More bad CGI.

WHy is no one responding to the woman stumbling around in nothing but a hospital gown?

ONCE AGAIN. Werewolves can Sense Werewolves. SCOTT you sensed Isaac in a BOYS LOCKER ROOM. DUKE IS RIGHT THERE. WHT THE FUCK?

angry smoker doctor “Why don’t you wheel this joker out of here?” “I’m gonna go smoke” Grrr

Sir. clearly your mask wasn’t tied on appropriately. it shouldn’t just Fall Off when you touch it. there are Protocols! STOP THE SPREAD. also, someone wanna tell me why none of these alphas can keep their claws in? A lil flashy flashy red eye would’ve done the trick just fine.

Okay no, seriously what the FUCK is up with these contacts, you guys? THEY”RE MASSIVE???

Ugh, can I just *swoons* “I’m an Alpha!” slice “So am I.” That is just so fucking smooth. Woo. I feel so safe ohmygod. PLUS. Derek KNOWS Ennis. I can’t imagine how satisfying that had to be.

Uh, Derek, honey. You’re Isaac’s legal guardian. You can just Sign Him Out of the hospital. With clothes and everything. What are you doing?

Honey, what do you mean the county took it over? If they were gonna do that they’d have done it six fucking years ago. Unless you gave it to them, it’s still yours? I did the research. Like HOURS of it.

What do you MEAN there’s a magic healing herb that helps with Alpha wounds? Since when do Alpha wounds need extra healing, I thought they just took a lil longer? ALSO why is it growing INSIDE your house???? SCOTT. Isaac is fucking UNCONSCIOUS. Can your tattoo fucking WAIT A MINUTE?

I have so many questions. WHY does Braeden know who Allison is? If Lydia’s immune to magic, WHY is Braeden able to bruise her? WHY can Braeden DO magic? and WHY is Chris allowed to take Lydia out of school?

ALLISON you had Geometry LAST YEAR why are you holding a GEOMETRY BOOK??

ohhhhmygod, Derek. Derek. DEREK. Your eyes are pretty on a normal day. That little Blink and ruby reds thing? Ohmygod. I just. I wanna take a picture and just stare at it BUT. how tf does this whole red eye thing work? You can see in the dark....but now you also have x-ray vision? You know, I could believe it was thermal vision...maybe? If Scott was still healing for some reason maybe the tattoo would be brighter? Otherwise I have no idea what is going on.

BUT SCOTT”S NOT 18??? He’s Still fucking 16, or even 17, but not 18. WTF? He needs parental consent in the first place (i should’ve mentioned this in the other note abt the tattoo)

uhh...seriously? When someone breaks up with you and tells you not to talk to them anymore...why do you need a reward for doing as they asked? Like, yeah, you’re sad, I feel that. But making it a ‘reward’ sounds kinda weird. You know what makes it really easy not to text the ex that doesn’t wanna talk to you? Delete her number.

WHY THE BLOWTORCH? SOMEONE WANNA EXPLAIN? Peter’s not covered in tattoo from when he was literally burned alive, why the FUCK would a blowtorch create a black tattoo on Scott’s skin?

DEREK. HONEY. Why would Stiles be able to hold Scott still??? Scott’s a werewolf.

All this bullshit to explain away Posey’s tattoo that he got. Like, damn dude, we all like tattoos, but you have a job that needs bare arms on the regular. That was kinda rude.

Where did braeden get clothes? I forgot to ask.

uhhhh. Ephemeral might technically work in that sentence, but that’s still really awkward.

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DESTROY HIS DOOR? YOU FUCKING ASSHAT. And WHY the instant fucking grr face? “why’d you paint the door?” uhh, leave him alone? He can do what he wants? It’s his house? Also, don’t get all fucking rude about the alpha pack. He told you it was a rival pack.

KALI. PUT SOME FUCKING SHOES ON. JESUS.

Why exactly does Scott see the symbol and INSTANTLY put together that it’s got anything to do with the Alphas or the animal attacks? Where is the logic jump there?

What exactly was the POINT of popping your claws if you were gonna kick her in the face???

UH, Melissa? Why didn’t you tell Scott that there was a whole other person with Isaac?

What is with the face touching, Duke? I’ve never known a blind person who actually wanted to rub their hands on my face to ‘find out what i look like?’

Really not a fan of all these weird jumps and camera angles with the awkward reflecting.

WOah WOah. Allison gets to PAINT her APARTMENT? Wtf kinda BULlshit is that? My landlord won’t let me do that. Rude.

I know they’re imprisoned and it sucks, but they’ve been there for four months, they had to have gotten bored. Do you think they broke into any of the security deposit boxes to see if anything was left behind?

Last thoughts: They really went for it with this episode. I have plans to change a lot of it. Hopefully I can mesh the changes with the general plotline.

#personal #TeenWolf-Rewatch #anti-scott mccall #for safety reasons

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danwhobrowses · 4 years

Text

WWE Royal Rumble 2021 - Initial Thoughts

I know I’m late, but employment is still a thing, and I had to prioritize that over an all-nighter, but it’s time for the Royal Rumble, one of the more exciting shows of WWE’s schedule, so let’s get on with it!

Spoilers for Royal Rumble, you have been Warned

I might not invest too much in kickoff matches but the Women’s Tag Match was not a good time

It was fine before the end, but who the hell decided that Charlotte should control 90% of the champions’ offense and have the hot tag!? Asuka is the RAW WOMEN’S CHAMPION, not Charlotte. After the tag Asuka literally had one spot and she was dead, completely taken out of the match for *checks notes* being thrown over the Announcer’s Table...you know that thing several wrestlers come back from easily.

The finish was just too much too, Ric distraction didn’t work, Lacey distraction didn’t work, Kirufuda Clutch didn’t work but then the brass knuckles did. Too much.

And why TF are we putting titles back on Nia!? We should’ve just given the titles to the Riotts, or the winner of the Women’s Dusty Classic. It also cuts me deep that Asuka and Shayna are treated this way, even as champion Asuka is a side character to Charlotte T_T

Main show though and I don’t like the package and interviews between entrances

Drew vs Goldberg was just...meaningless.

It was cringy enough that Cole had to spout drivel to make 60 year old Goldberg seem strong but to have Drew be ‘injured’ by a barricade spear - something much more tired wrestlers have and will get back up from in less time and continue a longer match - was daft. Also saying that Goldberg’s spear or jackhammer is the best move of all WWE is stupid, it was a WCW thing

Thank God Drew Won, but the post-match does remind you of the meaningless circumstances this feud came about. Suddenly Goldberg is okay with Drew’s same manners of respect

I mean, Carmella’s entrance and gear is cool, but do you think it eats at Corey a little that Carmella’s ‘behind the curtain’ bit is a tad...red light district?

Sasha’s promo didn’t hit for me unfortunately

Reginald didn’t deserve to be ejected for that! He caught Sasha and get beaten up for it

Jesus Carmella! Sasha got barely any of that dive

Screeching and faffing aside, Carmella got a good showing...I do hate quick tap outs in title matches though

Sami cuts a good promo, but his content wasn’t exactly the best. New Day are hardly the management’s faves, it’s taken this long for E to get a singles run, Fans literally had to Yes Movement their way into giving Kofi the world title.

New Day’s Brodie gear was good though

Bad Bunny as the ‘Biggest Latin Artist’? Is Cole for real? I didn’t even know who he was before today

If the song is about Booker T then why is he dancing around GI Bro?

Come on Book, you hang on the Sucka! That’d be like if the Rock just went ‘If ya smell what the Rock is cooking’ without the drags or pauses

Ric’s ‘with a tear in my eye’ promo was after the Rumble though...

It’s actually a sad stat that just over half of the Rumble winners win titles

No Morrison segment for the escape spot!? He did it as much as Kofi dammit!

Sorry Greatest Royal Rumble is not canon for me

This Stat Attack has taken far too long

I’m okay with Mike Rome but couldn’t a woman have announced the Women’s Rumble? Where’s Lillian at!?

NAOOOOOOOMIIIIIIIIIIIIII GIRL WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?

That hair is amazing as well

I know you can’t say it, but we all remember that Benoit won the rumble in the first two as well

Was...Bianca wearing earrings on her entrance, she looked like she was taking them off

Billie actually had the right idea, can’t be in the match until you enter the ring, it’s clever stuff

That tank did not look like it was meant to turn that direction XD

It actually surprises me every time how tall Shotzi is, I always imagine her short

Billie no...not with Shayna

The piped boos are highly unrealistic to boo even a heel Toni Storm

Shotzi eliminated and then horrible singer Jillian comes in? Urrrrgh, Bad Singer Jillian was terrible

Wrestling wise she hasn’t missed a beat though

Billie’s surprisingly being a highlight here with actual narra-OHMYSHITITSVICTORIA

Gear was a bit meh but Victoria definitely can still go

Oh Peyton the purple looks good on you, and her Widow’s Peak was not bad at all

Ah, good for Santana, for a moment I thought it said Santina and got a very bad chill

Damn Liv, Speed Machine!

Ooof, the betrayal is real Billie

THIS IS MY BRUTALITY!

Somehow I’m genuinely upset by every elimination so far, good job!

Aaaaaand then they got rid of Victoria and brought on Charlotte to immediately take out Rhea -_-

That was a clever move from Bayley but damn Ruby landed hard

Are we seeing a Bayley/Peyton team? Or is she just eliminating the Riotts for revenge for Billie, but also Liv Nooooo!

Torrie now, eh okay

Ouch for Dana

Lacey...no, this ain’t working

Poor Peyton, her elimination was a side chapter

And we missed Bayley’s elimination!? For Shame

Mickie! Good to see ya! Aaaaand being beaten by Charlotte...

Nikki Cross is back too! Hopefully they find a good story for her

Alicia Fox? I guess she sobered back into the good gra...R-Truth? No

Oh yeah, Humberto is a thing

Jerry shut the fuck up!

The 24/7 stuff was super unnecessary, we did not need to take focus off this match

Lacey eliminating Mickie, rude.

Dakota should’ve gotten more time, she barely lasted a minute

Reginald again deserves better

See Tamina vs Rhea would be exciting...if Tamina was booked better

Naomi’s chemistry with Bianca is really insane right now

Lana *reminded of her feud with Shayna and Nia* Also Lana *goes for Rhea*

That was a hard tackle on Alexa by Rhea...aaaaand she’s eliminated mid ‘transformation’ a bit worthless for me

Road Warrior Ember Moon! And right into the Eclipse that’s the good shit

Baszler probably shouldn’t have eliminated Lacey story-wise

The Betrayal is real for Tamina as well

What’s with the crazy camera cuts!?

Nia eliminating Baszler? Nah...

Hold on Cole, baiting Nia over the ropes isn’t a ‘tremendous elimination’

The betrayal is real for Lana too, Nattie sure shrugged off that double assault

I get that the narrative is that Charlotte has beaten both Bianca and Rhea before, but to hang against both of them after already being in a match and hanging on from two apron attacks was daft. Stop making her super strong, she’s mega talented yes but giving her the Brock Lesnar energy does her no favours

That close call though with Rhea and Bianca was great, need more spots of two wrestlers about to be eliminated at the same time

The final bit of chain wrestling too was great, that’s what you need at the final part of a rumble, the mini-match

I had Rhea as my win prediction but am more than happy for Bianca, who was my second choice. Winning at No. 3 is great and her emotional promo just gets her more over. Bianca vs Sasha’s gonna be wild too

Overall the Women’s Rumble was good, most of the women got shine and there were a few mini stories too, do wish that more time was given to some women and that Sonya was in the rumble but the returns were good and most of the eliminations got me good

Miz talking about guaranteeing a championship run like he didn’t lose the last cash-in and didn’t have a chance to cash in previously this night when Drew was ‘reeling’ from the barricade spear.

I reiterate that I wish Sonya was in the rumble, but do like her endorsement of Bianca

Again, this 24/7 stuff is wrong place and time right now

Last Man StANDing Match for the UniVERSal Championship

Cole, there is Champion’s Advantage. Triple H vs Michaels Last Man Standing, neither men made the 10 so Trips kept the title, 17 years ago. Royal Rumble 2004.

See, this is where a Finisher Spotfest works, because it’s not about pinfalls it’s about keeping people down

The camera switches are not doing good on this portion of the side of the thunderdome

Yes, attacking the knees, this is the Cerebral ‘rope breaks with his pinkie finger’ Owens I like to see

Ooof the Golf Cart, a la Kane and Stadium Stampede

Why is this training area just like a second arena

Lil’ running ref in the background

Right into that conveniently placed mini-ladder

Not the forklift! Think of Judy Bagwell!

Oh that curtain is the thing Becky took a photo of! I mean she was always gonna be backstage

Corey before the match ‘there must be a winner’, Corey after Owens went through the stage LED ‘The ref should consider stopping the match’

Did the Ciampa move there to stand up

I don’t think you’re allowed to use a Ref Bump that way

Then the Second Ref restarts the count and stops at 5!? If this doesn’t come back next SD it’ll be a misstep

It was a physical match, not the best I think the finish brought it down. The problem is that KO has lost 3 times now and the last time is a botch finish, and we can’t have him lose again - the poor guy needs a win

ON THIS DAY, I SEE CLEARLY!

I will say this immediately, revealing Edge and Orton as 1 and 2 beforehand was a terrible idea, just because you don’t have a live crowd doesn’t mean the people watching from home can’t be surprised

‘Number 3 is the worst number to draw on average’ - Belair just won at No. 3

Ali at 4? Then went after Edge and not Orton?

Sami, just don’t get in Orton’s face

Refs what are you doing? No rules in Rumble, where were you with Nia and Shayna with that logic

‘What does Shin need to do to be more successful?’ - for one not face AJ Styles, he is still a tag, US and IC champ as well as a RR winner, that’s quite successful

Carlito finally shows after the Legends Night tease and yes those are some abs

So...Randy’s just sleeping with this knee injury

Big E enters with some snappy camera angles again

I was hoping for more Ali - especially since Ricochet came immediately after - buy angry E was nice to see

Wait is that Elias’ entrance? Where’s the guitar strum?

Priesty, wonder if this is his main roster call

What DJ leaves his equipment on stage anyway?

‘The biggest star in the world in the music business’ - for real?

‘I’ve heard of flying squirrels but flying bunnies!?’ - Corey you need to watch Tokyo Joshi Pro, they got a flying sugar rabbit

To quote Ross Tweddell, MMMmmm Riddle...does not do it for me

Stop with the camera cuts I beg of you!

Mayor of Knox County!?

Ricochet eliminated by Kane, le sigh

The betrayal is real for DBry

Big Elim for Priesty though

‘Now it’s a Royal Rumble’ - reminder that Edge is a KOTR winner too, and that Nakamura is the King of Strong Sty-oh and Corbin eliminated him :/ what was the gauntlet about if you’re gonna Corbin him?

Otis’ new gear is slick

aaaaand Corbin’d again

Big Dom Fuck im Uhhhhhh Spinebuster’d

Damn he got him though

Dang that bounce sound from DBry

Bobby no why you gotta do Dom like that!?

Hurricane back from his Gangrel crossing and disposing Sammy Guevara’s broken body in Elite Deletion to do another rumble

One of these days, he’ll hit that Chokeslam and shit will go wild

Christian! This time getting the more emphatic reaction

Oh that smile, that hits you in the chest cavity...then Riddle ruins it

Rey comes in and WWE made him an advertisement ¬_¬

Edward James Omos what are you doing? well...I know what he’s doing, IC feud between AJ and E

Edward James Omos fuck you for eliminating Rey

The betrayal is real for Shamu

Cole how did you know it was Seth before his entrance hit?

I don’t think we were supposed to pick up Shamu welcoming Christian back but that was sweet

Then finally BWOAR

And Bwoar eliminates Cesaro, what was the point of his push? (it’s because his contract’s nearly up isn’t it?)

Again with the camera switching

Seth No! And where’s the boos pipe music!? DBry was a heavy favourite, that would’ve caused heat

Can’t believe Mmm Riddle lasted ahead of DBry

I didn’t forget about Orton, but the finish was good, that Orton tease got us good

It was a decent rumble, in hindsight you could tell Edge was winning given how they put express focus on Michaels winning at number on in the stat attack, Edge being face in peril for the first 10 entrants and Cole reminding us how long Edge has been in there

I don’t at all hate the end result, though I do question whether it was the best choice in the long run. Edge had his rumble win returning from injury already and throwing more legends at Drew does imply a heavy lack of depth in the current roster. Edge didn’t really need the win, but I’m not disappointed in him winning

The Men’s Rumble itself wasn’t as good as the women’s I don’t think, a lot of favourites of mine were unceremoniously dumped out quickly, any layered storytelling didn’t get enough time and it did feel a little by the numbers, almost a microcosm of modern WWE booking

Overall it was still a decent PPV, happy with the winners of the rumbles and that’s mostly all we need from a Royal Rumble. The Road to Wrestlemania starts here

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wearejapanese · 5 years

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A Japanese person's perspective on the mini-series. Let's discuss!

As a naturalized Japanese-American who was born in Japan, speaks Japanese with family, and has lived in Japan for 10 years growing up, this mini-season was the absolute best thing I could have asked for. Binging it made my weekend!

Going into this, I immediately had this feeling in my gut knowing that there is an extremely large cultural difference between Japan and America, and was curious how effectively the show was going to explain that to the audience or if they were going to take a more shallow, "JAPAN IS SO KAWAII and COOL" route. People in Japan are EXTREMELY accustomed to the concept of "the nail that sticks out gets hammered down"; you should not be different or stand out, because you will be bullied and conforming is for your sake. Modesty, conforming, gender roles, being indirect and roundabout, and not being emotionally expressive are extremely big concepts in the Japanese psyche. Mental health, therapy, LGBT acceptance, being sexual, "doing me", straightforward emotional expression, embracing your curves, loving your body, etc. are not as prevalent in the general population as they are in America.

Kiko Mizuhara (who I've adored since I was a teenager living in Japan, she is so gorgeous and is in so many commercials in Japan) did a good job explaining and clarifying things to the Fab 5, although I wish she was featured a little bit more in each episode breaking things down more. The whole concept of a "guide" was really great, as she is decent at English and explained well, but I think the show could have done more with her.

1: Yoko was a fantastic hero to start off the season. The fact that she was spunkier than the average 50-year-old Japanese woman helped keep the episode lighthearted and appealing. She was so receptive and warm to the Fab 5 and it was a really feel-good episode overall. I think her episode helps viewers who are unfamiliar with Japanese social norms to get a taste of concepts like "throwing away your womanhood". I think the first slot was appropriate for this episode, as opposed to later. I was a bit sad that Bobby covered up a lot of the traditional Japanese interior of the community center, but I have to say the place ended up looking like it'd really be useful. I loved her transformation. It was really refreshing but still age-appropriate. In Japan, it'd be embarrassing to be talking about things like "How do you like the new me?", "I learned to have more self-confidence", etc. But the way she delivered her speech was soooooo...Japanese, so un-self-centered, it made her experience more digestible for the people there.

2: LGBT acceptance is really lacking in Japan compared to in the U.S. As soon as I saw the preview blurb on Netflix for this episode, I knew we were in for a doozy. Sure, there are still ignorant people anywhere, and still accepting people anywhere. But, as Kan expressed, it's extremely difficult to live "out and proud" in Japan with all of the social norms we grow up indoctrinated with. I thought Kan was the sweetest, most endearing lead, and he was also super receptive to the Fab 5, and I think it helped tremendously that he knew English so he could understand what they were saying. I also thought Kan was so brave to be so open on TV about his sexuality and I have so much gratitude for that. The scene with the monk and Kan breaking down about how he couldn't find support abroad or at home made me bawl my eyes out. I also really appreciated JVN telling Kan in the hair salon that it's radical and brave to love yourself and that's enough, you don't have to dress like him to be radical. Finally, sleeping on the floor is totally normal, and that is what a real futon is. The flat thing on the floor.

3: This was my second-favorite episode for a reason. It was so nuanced and definitely not the bubbliest or most happy. First of all, the mom haunts me. I am 100% Japanese, and my parents are both Japanese, live in Japan, only speak Japanese. They were traditional Asian Tiger parents growing up, and did a lot of things to me that I wouldn't ever do to my future kids. I don't talk to them about anything personal. I don't feel close to them. But, we get along decently in person, and they aren't bad people. Personally, in my opinion, something about Kae's mom gave me the heebie-jeebies. I got so much anxiety every time she came up on screen. There's obviously way more that has to be unpacked here. The pure, still rage on the mother's face when Kae said to Antoni that "she told me not to be in the kitchen so I felt uncomfortable to", the way the mom stirred the stuff in the pan with that blank stare, I felt extremely uncomfortable the whole cooking scene. And Antoni tried his hardest to get them to connect, but it just was a bit too "direct" to work well in Japan. I appreciated that Antoni heard out the mom when she said that saying "I love you" isn't normal in Japan, which is definitely true. The fact that the mother didn't recognize that bullying was a big deal literally floored me. The way she said "I think we're similar in that we both tend to not express our pain to our parents" really rubbed me the wrong way. That may be a fact, but it's not something to be content about or use as an excuse, it's something to improve upon. Sorry, I have a lot of thoughts on this topic from personal experience and also analyzing their body language and stuff from a Japanese perspective. Finally, I love JVN so much, but that hair was horrible. I wished he kept it pink or at least a dark burgundy. Also, loved seeing Naomi Watanabe in this episode and I think she was a great choice to inspire Kae - someone who can turn any situation into something lighthearted which will help Kae feel comfortable, while also being straight up, and with major star power! I don't know why tf Kiko got the drawing in the end, when she didn't even help, but oh well. Tan is so nice.

4: I knew guys kind of like Makoto growing up in Japan. Getting by in life, not openly into girls or dating, watching out for themselves, extremely introverted. Really fitting into the mold of what society accepts, because that's all they know how to do, think will be appreciated, and think is the right thing to do/think is enough. The way that Makoto's boss made that comment about how Makoto's wife is more out-spoken, saying what she wants, reflected the traditional gender roles and sexism that Japan still has. It had this undertone of like, women usually aren't like that. I really enjoyed this episode because it was honestly so...interesting. The dynamic between Makoto and Yasuko was really mind-boggling, right? I was so thrown off by all the things that were divulged about their marriage. I don't want to come across as disrespectful, but I honestly had a few moments in that episode where I thought Makoto was in the closet or something. Maybe it was editing. Did anyone else think that? However, I think that there are a ton of different types of people in the world - different personalities, ways of expressing themselves, childhoods, parenting styles that affect adult personality, all that stuff. Clearly, being from Japan where emotional expression is minimal and extremely indirect to begin with, along with maybe having a sad (?) childhood, and not being the most experienced with dating or relationships, I can see how Makoto and Yasuko unfortunately settled into this sibling-like relationship for 4 or so years. I think that they have a great shot at improving their relationship over time, and I think Karamo helped them so much with the yoga conversation where they finally opened up about their insecurities and unspoken worries. Also, I'm pretty sure they translated a bit wrong. Makoto is referring to Yasuko as the superhuman, not himself. He says to her, "Just the fact that you exist makes you a superhuman to me". Very sweet! His makeover also looked amazing, my favorite transformation of the season.

Overall, I'd rank the episodes in terms of how much I enjoyed them: 2, 3, 4, 1. How about you?

I think this mini-season excellently touched on a lot of really real social issues in Japan and presented how different things are in Japan compared to in the U.S. Do you have any questions about certain things that came up in an episode? I'd love to discuss with you and share my perspective.

(Reddit Conversation)

#Reddit #Queer Eye #Representation #LGBT #lgbtqia #japanese #Japanese American

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i-think-i-luv-ya · 4 years

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Gunshot - KARD M/V Review Rant

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I’m at it again with another so called review, when in reality its just a whole essay on my thoughts of my favorite artist’s comebacks, aka a rant lol. If you haven’t seen Gunshot, GO WATCH IT! I promise it’s amazing and this is one of their best songs/videos/comebacks etc. I have attached the video so no excuses! Also this is a lot of spoilers so don’t read this first it will ruin the shock and awe that is this video. And putting the “keep reading” to contain said spoilers and so ya’ll who don’t wanna read this don’t have to scroll endlessly to reach the end of my rambling.

Hi! Hello! Thank you for continuing reading! Lolol my Taemin 2KIDZ review actually got notes which was surprising, so hope you guys like this. I have a lot to say so here we go...

So first I wanna start on the meaning of the song. On his VLIVE BM said the song is about verbal abuse and how detrimental it can be to your mental health. Considering many pop songs, especially kpop, are all very cheery and upbeat I applaud them for covering such a serious topic in a way that’s not sad and slow. PLUS BM is creating new merch called healers where everything will be donated to an organization that fights against bullying (including homophobia and racism) which is incredible so be sure to check that out when it’s dropped.

So on that note I wanna get into the song itself. Let’s start with lyrics. The song starts with the words “LOVE damn 4 letters” like what a perfect way to start a song. Also the way they blend a lot more English into this song is something I love as a non-Korean speaker. Plus the parts in English are so powerful? Well so are the Korean lyrics. Like KARD you guys just went hard with this whole song. The chorus is literally “You words are like a gunshot, I’m bleeding love”. Just wow. That definitely describes verbal abuse perfectly, especially coming from those you love because it’s those cruel words from loved ones that hurt the most. I mean “the words you spit out kill me like bullets”, how else is there to describe that pain because it fucking sucks. Other lyrics that just show the words are coming from the one you love: “As long as you love me, the good or the ugly, everything is okay” as well as “I won’t surrender my darling”. And this relationship is obviously toxic with words like “Selfish I will never be enough even when I pour out all of myself” and “It’s like you control me, without you I’m lonely” and “So far you’ve concealed the true color” and “Without you dying slowly”. And they clearly have had enough with this abuse with lyrics like “Need to drag myself out of there, remove you from my life, take off the tag you” and “They hit me like a gunshot, I’ve bled enough”.

Now into the sound of the song. It has all the classic KARD elements: it has a powerful sound with the instrumentals, it’s faced paced, it’s something you can dance to, and it has that chorus that slows down then just picks up again. But this song just sounds very different than anything they’ve released before? Not in a bad way, since this is probably one of their best songs. Between the lyrics, the vocals, and the overall sound where the music just doesn’t completely take over like in some of their other songs. Don’t get me wrong I love songs like BOMB BOMB, but it was very loud and a lot happening in the song at once. Which isn’t a bad thing, cuz that’s like the perfect club song. But with this song (and the whole album really) it shows them refining their sound. Also they had a lot more involvement with this song, especially BM who did everything from lyrics to producing which probably has a lot to do with it. The music itself just goes perfectly with the vocals. Just the flow is really nice, and the beat is fun, and them gun shots really just add to it. And can we talk about that breakdown when BM is like “1 shot, 2 shot, 3 shot, 4″? Like what??!! Those sirens and everything just ramps up just before it ends, like yaasssss.

Now the music video! It starts with Jiwoo zipping up a body bag...which just sets the tone for the video cuz it’s like ok this is how it starts lets see how tf we got here. Then you find out at the end it Jiwoo zipping up the body bag of...well Jiwoo lol like WHAT THE FUCK?! (I’ll get into this here in a sec). Anyway in terms of the video it also has some classic KARD elements like the choreography that’s very intense and dramatic, the bright colors, the flashes and lasers, some crazy stuff happening, and some really cool props and visuals (not just the members lol). Other common stuff is the piles of technology surrounding them, especially J.seph. Like in Red Moon, there’s cameras and old televisions around them. This time the video starts with them being surrounded by cameras and J.seph has a pile of old computer monitors. There may be some meaning with this, but I don’t get it but think it’s an interesting theme. Perhaps its an analogy for them being constantly watched and put on every screen, like showing a darker side of being a celebrity (also will get into this in a minute when I talk about interesting interpretations and theories).

Also this video gave me suicide squad vibes. Like Jiwoo with them pony tails and the way her makeup was done resembled Harley Quinn. And idk BM gave me Joker vibes (may be due to the coloring of his teeth), BUT he also gave me Harley vibes with the blue and pink coloring of his blonde hair (which is just an amazing look for him). Then BM was just covering everything in black, Jiwoo is just fucking shit up, Somin is ready to cut a bitch, and J.seph is burning shit up as usual (just like BOMB BOMB, so another parallel). Everyone looked good in this video...like they are all such great visuals. Somin looked like a queen as always with the jewelry and everything (they always do that and she looks stunning). Jiwoo pulls of that outfit with those threads everywhere, like that would drive me crazy yet she looks amazing. Blonde BM is truly a look. And J.seph? I think this was the best he’s looked in any video...maybe its the dark hair and clothes paired with those light contacts that just make his eyes stand out. Idk but looks good, all of them! Even with all those slashes to their faces! Also this video is a lot less sexualized, especially with the girls but that’s a whole other topic for another day.

So we know this song is about verbal abuse. I talked about how it could be from someone you love. Obviously the cuts on their faces are caused by the words and pain inflicted on them, until eventually its more than just lashes but a full on gunshot killing them completely. An interesting theory I read is this is a song to their fans, or really people just leaving hate comments. Again you can draw from the cameras and screens how their whole life is recorded, and how they are trying their best pouring their heart and soul into their music when they get all this hate and criticism. So these “shots” hurt the most when it comes from their fans. Also going with this concept, Jiwoo shooting herself could be killing who she is to be who they want her to be. Although there’s so many interpretations, especially to the ending. Like it could be her killing the weaker and darker part of herself (like the part of herself willing to put up with the abuse out of love), so by killing that part of her she is free. BUT, could this “winner” be that dark part of herself killing who she used to be? This could also be killing that pain, but by embracing it and letting it morph you into something darker like a person embracing that evil and using it to make themselves stronger and protect themselves. OR she is causing this pain on herself, it’s her own words are the insecurities and lack of love to herself that is affecting her until she ends up just killing herself (not literally but figuratively). Idk so many ideas and interpretations to the ending alone. Plus we have them all just spreading this darkness and anger (like BM literally painting everything black, which is symbolic into spreading darkness). But ya this video was amazing, the visuals were stunning and the song is just great.

The rest of the album (all 2 songs...hope they release more) was just as incredible. Hold On is a farewell to J.seph who will be enlisting soon, and omg that made me cry. So J.seph you better keep your promise and return soon because we’ll be holding on and waiting for you babe! This song was also really slow (at least for a KARD song) which just shows you they can be diverse in their music. Plus just the contrast of the verses (which are just super powerful) with the chorus (which is very melodic) was great. And with AH EE YAH, like that was so nice to listen to and its a cool mix between old music with that beat it starts with, to newer music especially with the way they rap. So, shows they have a lot of influences and it also shows a different side to KARD.

Overall I think it’s a great comeback (idk what else they have planned but hoping for some new stuff because I’ve missed them so much). Please go show support and stream Gunshot and listen to the mini album! They are so talented and deserve so much more recognition. They have such hope with this comeback, but yet they still are like “we’re never gonna be number 1″ and that just breaks my heart. So show your support, hopefully they can get a win this year or just something big happen for them because they deserve it!! So that is the end of my rant...back to watching this video for the 100th time we go!!

#let me know what you think if you read my entire paper lol #alyssa kpop rant #BM #j.seph #jeon somin #jeon jiwoo #kard #hidden kard #kpop #gunshot #gunshot kard #kard comeback #bm kard #j.seph kard #jiwoo kard #somin kard

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keelymewett · 4 years

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Zombie Movie: I Am Legend (2007)

“Here’s Karen at the health desk.”

Karen from the health desk. (Picture: A female news anchor, Karen from the health desk.)

Language warning (sorry kids, but this is an MA15+ movie).

I shit you not, that’s one of the opening quotes of the movies. So, friends and enemies, welcome to the longest review I’ve done of a zombie movie yet. It’s 1:35am here in Australia and I’ve just finished rewatching I Am Legend, everything’s fresh in my mind and I’m hyped up on chocolate.

This movie has incredible tension, a fresh take on the zombie apocalypse, and it’s based on the 1954 novel by Richard Matherson, which inspired the modern day vampire and zombie movies. Why you may ask? Because it popularised the concept of a worldwide apocalypse due to a disease... now I’m beginning to realise that watching zombie movies during a global pandemic maybe wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had. Any who.

YouTube rewind made me forget how bloody good of an actor Will Smith is, and boy does he deliver in this movie. Robert’s (that his character, btw, though I will probably end up just referring to the character as Will Smith) interactions with Sam the goodest girl in the world (she’s a dog) and the mannequins is incredible.

The goodest girl in the world. (Picture: A dog (I’m sorry - I don’t know dog breeds! I’m 99% sure she’s a German Shepard) being given a bath and head scratches by Will Smith.)

Now: three things to look forward to in this “review” (assuming you read the spoilery section below). One: how realistic is this apocalypse? Two: there’s a dog. Three: zombie vampires. Vampire zombies?

Backgrounds details! (Picture: Will Smith opened the fridge. On the fridge door are photos of his wife and daughter, a calendar dated for December, a drawing with “Marley” written in kids handwriting, post-it notes, a pamphlet with the heading “Quarantine”, and a Time Magazine cover of Robert Neville (Will Smith). The title reads (heading) “Saviour?” (sub-heading) “Soldier, Scientist” (body of text) “In a Battle that Could Save Thousands of Lives, Lt. Col. Robert Neville Takes on the XV Virus.”

Also, there’s banging in my house at the moment and when I say I’m peaking. I’m going to need to listen to some music while I write this.

Read on for a fun time! Spoilers ahoy!

Realism (the really relevant part. Yikes)

Okay, so what’s this fresh take on the apocalypse? Basically, this doctor cures cancer and it all goes to shit from there. I’m not 100% on the logistical jump from “destroying cancer cells” to “humans (and animals) becoming bloodthirsty mutants that burn in the sun” - for instance, this is just my sci-fi high-school biology and physics brain working here, cancer is basically a rogue cell that mutates other cells and destroys them in the process, yeah? So if the doctor, like she said, uses these cancer cells to work for the body and in the process “cures” cancer, wouldn’t the humans just... infect each other and the virus would kill the host if it went south? Given, that did happen in like 90% of cases as Will Smith explains, but where does the sunlight allergy come in? Is cancer afraid of UV? Confused, but I digress.

... Is that my queen, Missy, from Umbrella Academy? (Picture: A woman with blood leaking from her eyes, holding a child and shouting for help.)

The scene where they’re listening to the radio and the guy is like we’re “issuing a military quarantine of New York City” I’m like bitch you wish. Unrealistic. The USA currently (9/10/2020) has the highest cases of COVID-19 in the world (for future historians and poor school children, it’s at 7.68 MILLION cases, no statistic for recovered cases for some weird ass reason, and sadly, 212,000 deaths. For reference, here in Australia we’ve had as of today 27,206 cases, 24,807 recovered and 897 deaths. New Zealand, who went into hard lockdown, had as of today, 1,864 cases, 1,800 recovered, and 25 deaths, with a period where there were 0 new cases for several days.)

Though, with that in mind, everyone going outside and gathering in large crowds? Realistic.

The actual movie part

Praises time! Will Smith has a stockpile of food. Also, him getting Sam (the dog) to eat her vegetables like she’s a little kid? Cutest thing ever.

Stockpilesss. (Picture: Will Smith wearing an apron and preparing a meal in a kitchen chock full of food items, including things like Pringles and spaghetti sauce.)

Setting alarms on his watch for sunset? Brilliant, smart idea, fantastic. Re-enforced windows and door, AND booby-trapped house? Incredible, genius. Setting traps to catch the zomvamps? (like the dumb name I just came up with? Don’t worry, I’ll reveal the stupid arbitrary name they ACTUALLY came up with later) Talent, intelligence.

Dude, why wouldn’t you restrain the head/chest? You know, the part that can bite you? (Picture: Will Smith in a lab coat standing over a female zombie-vampire who’s been secured to a metal bench by the wrists and ankles. Medical monitors are connected to her.)

Now, Will Smith is out here looking for a cure. And by looking, I mean actively creating. In a lab. He washes his hands before going in - *chef’s kiss* follow his example - and unlike other zombie movies where it’s super dramatic in the hunt for a cure, this is a lot more chill considering it’s a) been 3 years and b) is more like how science actually works. Trials, tests, animal test-subjects (there is a debate about the ethics of this which I won’t go into here) (I mean a debate in real life not in the zombie movie haha) and human test-subjects.

“Did you kidnap my girlfriend, bro?” (Picture: bald, pale muscular dude-bro-looking zombie-vampire roaring in rage.)

The mother-fracking zombies

I have to say it: these are the most dumbass looking vampire-zombies. I say vampire-zombies (zomvamps) because they avoid sunlight but also eat people?

Now, unlike most zombie movies, these are really bloody intelligent zomvamps. At one point, after setting a booby trap and catching a zomvamp after stumbling into a nest of them, Robert says “They’re not showing any human social behaviour.” Hahahaha. Okay bitch first of all dude bro screamed when you kidnapped his mate, secondly dude bro has pet dogs, thirdly dude bro fucking caught you in a trap. He took revenge on you there, love. He followed you home!

The zomvamps are apex predators, can climb, run, hunt in packs, communicate with each other, set booby traps, make coordinated attacks, follow you home, learn where you live and remember it, and holy fuck humans had no chance.

Thank you for clarifying, because I actually found this quite funny. Like, look at him! (Picture: dude-bro zombie-vampire from earlier growling in front of a flaming car. The zombie-vampires are very CGI, pale, fish-person looking things with pale skin and completely bald of hair. This guy is wearing ripped clothes. The caption reads “Growls menacingly”.)

Random things I have in my notes but haven’t mentioned yet (yes I took notes)

What’s with the apocalypse and mannequins? Looking at you, Five (Umbrella Academy).

(Picture: Will Smith looking at a “female” mannequin, who is dressed in a coat and black bob wig. They’re in a movie store. Funnily enough, behind the mannequin is the “Adult” section of the films.)

I agree with the fuck-that-shit sentiment when you see a mannequin suddenly appear in a different part of the city - like how in the hell??

(Picture: Will Smith aiming a rifle at a mannequin in an orange jumper. Mannequin is usually located outside of the movie store, yet here it is randomly in the middle of the street at the end of a T-section. There are tall glass windows behind the mannequin, and the window to the right has a giant, gaping pitch black hole in it. It’s presumed that there is a nest of zombie-vampires in there.)

... so is this a booby trap for humans or for zomvamps? Because the former makes sense if that dude bro zomvamp analysed Will Smith’s trap from earlier and remade it (hence dropped the car off a bridge to string him up), and the latter doesn’t really make sense because a) you’ll only catch (and probably kill) one zomvamp and why would you want only one unless you’re Robert and two why tf aren’t you meeting up with Robert he’s been broadcasting and racing around town hunting deer (elk?) in a sports car.

I’d like to know how hard it actually is to do like a weird sit-up and get yourself free of one of these kinds of traps. Am I dumb for thinking it’s not that hard? (Picture: Will Smith is suspended in the air by a rope tied around his ankle, the result of a booby-trap. He’s struggling to free himself.)

Come on, you’re literally a doctor and a soldier. Don’t tell me you’re actually considering pulling that out? (Picture: Will Smith has been impaled in the leg by something. It looks like he’s about to attempt to pull it out. He’s in the middle of the street as the sun sets, and Sam is right next to him.)

Sam is a queen. Here are some photos of her.

(Picture: Robert Neville’s wife carrying a baby Sam - Sam is a puppy, by the way, and very adorable. Neville’s young daughter is walking out of the gate to their house behind her mother.)

(Picture: Will Smith in a flashback saying goodbye to his wife and daughter and crying. Sam is licking away his tears.)

Sometimes I hate foreshadowing. (Picture: Will Smith searching a house. He opens a cupboard and there’s a newspaper article with a picture of a zombie-vampire dog. The article reads “Infected dogs can come out at dusk. Stay in the light.” There’s a number to call for questions.)

Worst birthday ever. Now I’m sad and there’s still half the movie left.

(Picture: Will Smith sitting on the floor of his lab, hugging Sam, who’s just been bitten by infected dogs.)

Get Shrek’d.

(Picture: The ‘Shrek’ movie playing on the TV in Neville’s house.)

Ma’am, do you not know how to ration? That is such a waste of food. (Picture: the woman and kid who rescued Will Smith have cooked breakfast. She’s cooked way too many scrambled eggs for two adults and a kid, and all the of the bacon for literally no reason.)

Oh yeah, wanna know what they call the zombies in this movie?

Dark Seekers. They dropped that one on us well into the final half of the movie. Dark Seekers? Really? I won’t get into how dumb that sounds when you had two options to choose from - vampires and zombies. Hell, go with my suggestion of zomvamps, even vampzoms. Dark Seekers? Sorry, I get hung up on dumb zombie-alternative names. Sure, I get the atmosphere might be ruined by calling them vampires or zombies, but not even lying I didn’t realise she said “Dark Seekers” until I turned the CC on to grab a quote. I thought she said “Dog Keepers” hahahaha. “The dog keepers got them.” My defence is that the dude bro did keep dogs.

Finally, wrapping this up at 2:15 before I add in pictures, you’re telling me approximately 100 zomvamps made a coordinated attack on Will Smith’s house to eat... 3 people? That’s like me and a hundred mates descending on the pentagon for a fucking snickers bar. We’d get like an atom each.

Oh, what’s that? They’re here to rescue one person? Really? Really? How in the fuck are they even zombies if their primary purpose isn’t to eat humans. I’m disappointed. But points for a fresh take, at least.

Now one of the things I remember about this movie is that is has an alternate ending. The actual ending (huge spoilers but then again, you’re in the spoiler section) has Will Smith sacrifice himself (read: blow himself and the zomvamps up with a grenade) to defend the cure and save his new friends. The alternate ending, which was scrapped due to negative audience reaction, has Will Smith communicate with the zomvamps who like actually calm down and listen to him. He gives the dude bro back his friend, and... no one dies.

I’m sorry, how is an ending where, sure, a cure isn’t found YET, but, the “villains” of the movie are humanised and a new side of them is seen that shows, hey, maybe there’s another way through this apocalypse, better than an ending where Will Smith dies? Make it make sense test audience. Because, remember, there’s still a whole bunch of immune people living out here, and three of them are currently in the same room. Robert’s only been working on the cure for 3 years. How many years do you reckon it takes to cure cancer? Hint: it’s ongoing in real life. Just because the cure isn’t found in the movie doesn’t mean it won’t be found. Ughhhh. I digress again.

I have more random photos but I am very tired. If anyone’s interested in hearing me roast butterflies, the world not actually ending in 2012, and a missed pun about Until Dawn (even though it was made like ten years after this), and a quick analysis on Robert Neville and God, let me know :)

Have a great day everyone, wash your hands, social distance if possible, and quarantine. Just because the COVID-19 virus isn’t turning us into zombies doesn’t mean it isn’t hurting us.

Worldwide statistics, 9/10/2020: 36.2M total cases, 25.3M recovered, 1.06M deaths.

(Picture: Will Smith saying “I like ‘Shrek’ after just quoting an entire scene of it to win a kid’s trust.)

#zombie #movies #I Am Legend #Will Smith #vampires #zombies #Dark Seekers #quarantine #doggos #shrek #apocalypse #mannequins #The Umbrella Academy

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zm-sc · 6 years

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25 reasons to love Michelle Jones

1. She has no filter and deadpans. If you like Tony Stark, real bold of you to have a problem with this specific trait of hers

2. She doesn’t have any friends. Hardly gets more relatable

3. She is so observant that she knows Peter is Spider-Man. While nobody has it figured out. Not even Ned had it figured out. And yet she also says nothing. A clever and caring woman

4. She loves reading so much that she does it during PE class. Aren’t you lowkey a nerd who’d rather be reading than running laps at the gym? So is she

5. She doesn’t read just any books. 'Of Human Bondage' is about an orphan who has to live with his aunt and uncle and also falls in love with a girl that doesn’t always reciprocate his feelings. Reminds you of someone? Then later in the bus: ‘Invitation to a beholden’, is the story of a man who gets imprisoned and is unable to blend in the society he lives in because he is gnostic. So 1. She wants to know how Peter feels 2. She doesn’t feel like she blends in the society she lives in

6. “Am I?”. Think about it. Is she?

7. Her looks say “screw your idea of what is "well dressed” and pretty". She will look however tf she wants. No makeup at 15 yo is absolute realistic even if society stays lowering the age at which you should start looking like a doll

8. Her purple hair streak. Why purple? Is it her favorite color? Does it mean something specific to her? Was it an attempt from her to get noticed by her classmates without it being too obvious?

9. She wanted to/did some light protesting in front of one of the embassies in DC. At 15 yo. Jot it down

10. She made the acadec team win the competition. We don’t see her answer questions be it at school or during the trip but clearly she has the brains to be successful by putting little to no efforts into training

11. She made the acadec team win and yet she didn’t claim the trophy. Too shy or too humble, or both

12. She is a character needed in our time, a SJW trademark. She has a moral code and principles and is socially aware. Fanboys are triggered. Note that while everyone ended up being in danger, respecting her ancestors is what made her able to stay on the ground, safe

13. “MY FRIENDS ARE UP THERE!” I thought you didn’t have any friends? So you do have feelings. And now I am soft and want to protect you at all cost

[Deleted footage entirely: NOBODY came to pick her up after they got back from DC. Why? And who do I have to fight for being awful parents and why are they awful? What is her family like etc?]

14. She goes to detention to “sketch people in crisis”. But only when Peter is there, it seems. Could it also be because she doesn’t want to go home anyways? And if so why?

15. She can draw. Talent

16. Sketching Peter’s sad detentioned ass and showing him. I want to know where the audacity stops

17. The middle finger. Enough said

18. She was appointed new captain of the decathlon team. See point 8. She is clever as hell, it’s canon

19. The look Peter gave her. We love foreshadowing

20. "My friends call me 'MJ'. However way you feel about this reveal, big or not, disappointing or not, it was well done

21. "I didn’t.” [Have any friends]. From "I don't have any friends" to "I didn't". She has come full circle

22. Point 21 makes you realize that she had a mini arc of her own that was not centered around Peter and her evil dad. I certainly wish it had been Liz's case

23. “What are you hiding, Peter? Just kidding, I don’t care, bye". But the look she gave to Peter right after? We love foreshadowing

24. She is a gift to meta culture. I wrote all of this based on roughly 3 mins screen time tops with deleted scenes and non included footage

Btw see this is how you hype a character you like. Coming up with original shit and metas and fics and fanarts. Running down a character you dislike does nothing, shocker

25. She is gorgeous. Yes that is a valid reason, y'all implicitly pull it with white characters all time & it is really hilarious she was supposed to not be attractive. One of the most unrealistic thing in this movie

Bonus: It’s because it’s Zendaya

And ultimately, because she is 'MJ'. Had she been white and a red hair, big silence about how "it's just because" since y'all would have decided that as SUCH a lore character, she'd have been deserving of support. Lots of screen time or not. Why can't y'all do the same thing here? Is why "it's because it's Zendaya" is going to lowkey be a thing, indeed. Deny it all you want, we know this is a matter of race. She still is and was racially attacked the day the news of her casting dropped, while she is an amazing talent that had been looking for a movie role and did what she had to do to get cast before she even left the room. Tom Holland's words, not mine. She auditioned for this role, you didn't. She got it and conveyed all of the above in 2 mins and 57 seconds. Michelle is a breath of fresh air both in her characterisation and interpretation of a female character and a love interest and that is why she was so instantly loved. We love not only one but two icons. Let it be known

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twdmusicboxmystery · 6 years

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9x06: Details - A Lot of Them!

Okay, you know how yesterday, I said I didn't have much to say about this episode? Yeah, I lied. I re-watched yesterday, when I wasn't super tired and hadn’t had such a long day, I found TONS to talk about.

And yes, this will be kind of long.

***As always, spoilers abound for 9x06, so don’t read until you’ve watched! You’ve been warned!***

Daryl:

Daryl’s tent at the beginning reminded me a lot of the tents we saw in 4x01 and the parking lot at Grady. Just saying.

Of course he was fishing, which I naturally want to relate to Oceanside. But more importantly, we saw him standing in water, and Beth = water.

Then there’s his new poncho. I honestly hadn’t thought too much about it until I saw an edit someone made on IG. They changed his poncho to red and gave it a “Little Red Riding Hood” caption. Now, some of you may remember me doing Little Red Riding Hood posts a long time ago. (X, X) Like, before S6 aired. Mine were based around Red Poncho Guy in 5b. But when I saw that edit, I realized something. We saw a red poncho in Beth’s cell and then Red Poncho Guy in 5b, who Daryl saw briefly and then lost track of. Kinda like Beth. So, what if the red poncho represents Beth’s missing/kidnapped arc? Then maybe Daryl’s green poncho (opposite color) represents that she’s about to return.

I think I've talked about Songbird enough for you to know what I think it means: songbird = Beth and Beth is about to appear.

One thing I didn't talk about it in as much detail as is the walker attached to the tree that Daryl sees. This is a major parallel to the blonde woman he and Aaron saw in 5x15 that was tied to a tree. You’ll notice a pattern as we go along of symbols we saw in S5 and haven’t seen since that are cropping up now in S9. Seems to me like things that happened in S5 are about to come back around.

Michonne:

Michonne finds the van in the woods. The box she digs through is a cigar box, which is a callback to Abraham. But the box itself really reminded us of the music box. The color and size are roughly similar. The things she takes out of it are all highly symbolic.

We see Rick's ring on Michonne’s necklace. (Wedding Ring Theory)

1). The sheriff. I think this could feasibly represent two different things. A) That the new sheriff is about to appear. In other words, it represents Beth. B) Obviously Rick. It definitely represents Rick for Michonne. I think it also foreshadows Rick's return. In a way, she's holding onto this in the same way Daryl holds onto Beth’s knife.

2) The four-leaf clover. (X) Not only is it green, but represents Luck (X), and then there’s all the Irish symbolism, such as Paddy Reilly, etc. Like maybe the person all that symbolism ties to is about to appear.

3) The yo-yo. I totally didn’t catch this when I first watched the episode, but they talked about it on TTD. It must be important if they’re drawing attention to it. The only other time we saw a yo-yo on the show was in S5. They made a big deal about it in the show, but then we never saw it again. The only thing I could think of back then was that, because yo-yos go down and then come back up again, it represented that the person about to go down (Beth) would bounce back up again at some point. Once more, we haven't seen any yo-yos since then. Now, were suddenly seeing one. That's a big deal.

(I tried and couldn’t get a non-blurry pic of the yo-yo, but it’s red and green.)

Michonne finds toilet paper. See the Toilet Paper theory, plus I talked about this in THIS ASK. I'm not sure what it means but I have a halfhearted forecast for it. I’ve noticed that toilet paper is often seen at the beginning of a long journey. Could that mean a long journey for Michonne? In the comics, Michonne is with Ezekiel rather than Rick. When Ezekiel dies, Michonne leaves TF for a long time. I wonder if they'll keep that arc, but in this case, it's Rick that “died” for Michonne, rather than Ezekiel. If Michonne leaves, that might be what the TP is about. It would also leave leadership of Alexandria wide open.

This is yet another reason why I don't think Ezekiel will die. It could be that Rick's "death" replaced Ezekiel's death, especially where Michonne is concerned. I also noticed that just before this episode, the official TWD account did posts saying, “Who Will Lead?” They had one for each Daryl, Carol, Ezekiel, and Michonne. Asking who will lead is very interesting because it's basically asking who will step into Rick's (or the sheriff's) shoes.

I found Michonne’s post to be particularly interesting. The caption says, “She’s got what it takes, but what will she choose?” As though she may choose specifically not to lead. I think that will have something to do with her arc this season and I'm interested to see where it goes.

We see that the bridge was never fixed. Again, I need to re-vamp my Bridge Theory, but it’s become clear to me that the bridge represents the community or TF as a whole. Basically, as I said before, it broke when Rick blew up the bridge. It has never been fixed. Which is a symbolic way of saying that the four communities have fractured and have no cohesion anymore. Ezekiel says, "If we could bring the communities back together as full partners…" So, the communities definitely aren’t working together anymore.

Michonne is being very negative in this episode and refuses to give Magna’s group the time of day. I did like the she was sharp as ever and knew Magnet was hiding things, but she's definitely being close minded. Rosita later tells Gabriel that Michonne knows prison doesn't really mean anything and she riled up the crowd on purpose.

We don't really understand the reason for Michonne’s actions until Judith hears her talking to herself.

I breezed over this yesterday, but I think it's important to know what’s she saying when Judith listens in. It's obvious that Michonne is talking to Rick, who she believes is dead. The “him” she mentions is obviously Carl. This is what she says. "Thought I was done with this. Done with talking to you and never hearing you answer. But I watched what you did to protect him…nothing else mattered except him… And I need to be that now for them. And I know it's not what we planned, not what we wanted, but you weren't here. Neither was he. You didn't have to go through the…". At that point, the floorboards creak under Judith and Michonne cuts off.

Okay, a couple of takeaways from this:

1) Michonne is acting as she is because she believes she needs to protect her children at all costs. She’s basically become ruthless Rick in order to protect Judith and RJ. It’s what she believes she needs to do right now, even though it's not the future she and Rick envisioned together.

2) Then there's that last line. Something definitely went down in the six years since Rick left, and from this, it was something that happened after he left because she said he wasn't there for it. I'm willing to bet whatever it is, how she got that X-scar, and also is the reason for what Carol says about people going out and never come back. We just don't know exactly what happened yet.

I wonder if this entire season is going to be full of flashbacks telling us what happened during those six years. I kinda hope so, because essentially what we’ll have to see with Beth. They skipped over whatever happened during those missing 17 days, and they’ll have to go back and show us what it was. So, if the entire season is structured around figuring out something that was skipped, maybe we’ll see other things that have been skipped over as well.

Incidentally, Michonne has done this before: talked to the dead. Remember, she told Rick early on in 3x12, Clear, that she has. “I talk to my dead boyfriend sometimes. It happens.” So I thought it was an interesting continuity of her character to show her doing this with Rick, now. Also a very obvious way to show that she 100% believes he’s dead.

I thought Judith and Michonne’s conversation on the stairs was heartbreaking. It made me sad when Judith said she was starting to forget Rick’s and Carl’s voices. “I’m not trying to, but they keep fading away.” But Judith is a lot like Carl. She’s growing up in this world, so it’s second nature to her. That makes her strong, but also less sentimental and utterly unapologetic about who she is. I’m loving Judith so much!

When we saw the X scar on Michonne, I also noticed a butterfly picture of some kind of butterfly picture on the wall behind her. (Transformation?)

And the curtains in her room look a LOT like the wallpaper at the funeral home in Alone. They’re black and white, rather than green and yellow, but covered with a very similar bird and vine/tree pattern.

Let's talk about callbacks season four. There's a Council ruling at Alexandria, much as there was in S4 at the prison. Also much like at the prison, there's no clear leader. Remember in S4, the council led because Rick stepped down from leadership. He didn't really become the sheriff again until after disaster struck in the MSF. So, perhaps we won't see the sheriff emerge until then.

It's also interesting to note that Michonne is in pretty much the same place she was in at the start of S4. She's obviously more angry right now, but her horse is almost exactly the same color as the one she rode in 4x01. We even see her ride into Alexandria at the beginning of this episode in a similar fashion.

So, Michonne isn't really leading. She's going outside the walls a lot and still struggling with things, much as she did in S4. She’s KIND OF leading in name (FG calls her the “head of security”) but hasn’t truly stepped into Rick’s leadership shoes either.

Carol:

Carol sees a flower. My first (and somewhat rebellious) thought was that it's definitely NOT Cherokee Rose (Hehe). But it’s growing up through cracks, which goes with the theme of light coming through the cracks.

Henry calls Ezekiel and Carol Mom and Dad. We also see an entwined-fingers hand hold for Carzekiel. All is right with the world. ;D

They’re holding some kind of fair at the kingdom. Not sure what that's about, but they keep talking about it. Henry leaves with Carol to go to Hilltop and apprentice to Earl (that's the guy that tried to kill Maggie but she ended up letting him out of prison). Henry says he'll be back before the fair starts. Sounds kind of ominous to me.

They also talk about dreamers. Henry is a dreamer. Carol says he gets it from Ezekiel, but it's not a bad thing. And the world could use more dreamers. Beth was most definitely a dreamer. Once again, we’re seeing that Daryl and Carol are very alike, which is why they wouldn't make good romantic partners. They’re too alike. They both need someone more optimistic to complement their tendency toward darkness. I’ll illustrate in a second how much Henry is like Beth.

Ezekiel also makes a point here of saying that Hilltop is distant. Remember in 9x05, Daryl mentioned, just before Rick blew the bridge, that the walker horde had run right through Hilltop? So, I’m thinking Hilltop probably had to be completely rebuilt. I think we can assume it was, because Michonne is taking Magna’s group there. Still, I’m curious to what’s happening at Hilltop these days.

After Jed’s group gets a hold of Carol and Henry, we get a quick look at the vegetables Carol was transporting. They include tomatoes and carrots. I think the tomatoes represent the communities prospering and moving forward. But the carrots? They’ve always been a Beth symbol. Remember, The King of Carrot Flowers from Alone?

Here, we got more information about stuff that's been going on during the six years we don't know about yet. Jed, chewing on a match, says the Sanctuary went bust. Before Rick blew the bridge, they talked about how nothing would grow there, so it’s not surprising it would be defunct now, but still, it’s something else we didn't see.

Jed also said they got hungry and ate horses. Carol says they could have joined the other communities (and several of them did; Laura and some other recognizable saviors are at Alexandria) but obviously Jed and his followers opted for a Negan mentality and don't want to be a part of a community. They’d rather just take people's stuff.

Then Jed said, "You spared me back in the day, so I'll do the same for you." He’s probably referring to when Rick and Carol got the better of them in 9x04, but we still don’t know what happened between Carol and this group in 9x06. The last we saw, shots were fired that brought the walkers toward the bridge and led to Rick blowing it up. I’m wondering if what Carol does to them has to do with her blaming them for Rick’s death. Not sure, though.

Obviously Carol burning the Savior is a callback to S4 with Karen and David as well as to Carol burning Saviors in 6x13.

I’m very curious about what Carol is doing. Even before they were tricked by the saviors, she’d already told Henry they were going somewhere other than Hilltop first. She'd always planned to go visit Daryl, and I wonder why. She must have a reason.

Then we get to Henry and Carol making camp for the night. This is where I became convinced that Henry is something of a Beth proxy. He said, “I don’t get it.” The opposite of Beth’s, “I get it now,” but still. The parallel is there. He also tells Carol, “That’s bullshit.” He’s calling her on her crap, and he’s 100% right because she says she let Jed and the Saviors go, but then goes and kills them while Henry sleeps. Also, Henry and Carol hang cans for an alarm. We saw that prominently with Beth and Daryl in Alone.

I’m kind of thinking we might lose Henry. I hope not, but I just felt an ominousness in his story line this week. There was a lot of emphasis on Carzekiel and him as a family, on keeping him safe. They didn’t like the idea of him going to Hilltop to train with Earl. I really hope I’m wrong, but I’m wondering if we’ll lose Henry, which would put Carol and Ezekiel in a super-dark place again. Let’s hope not.

Rosita, Father Gabriel, & Eugene:

Just for an instant, we see feet running at the beginning of this episode.

Even though it's just feet that we see (not arms or torsos) it reminded me of the opening credits Beth-flash. In this case, it was Rosita, Aaron, Eugene and Laura looking for Judith.

Eugene carries a deer. This could be an example of the Deer Theory. I'm not sure who it would apply to here, but Luke calls it a buck, so I think it works. Maybe foreshadow of Beth about to appear? Or it may extend into further episodes. Not sure yet.

Magna’s group calls walkers “sickos.” That struck me as hilarious because my 4-year-old nephew is going through a phase where he calls everybody sickos. ;D

They show the passage of time by the length of people's hair. Michonne’s dreads are longer, Daryl's hair has gotten really long in the back, though you can always tell that from the front.

Obviously, Judith. Eugene is sporting a long braid, Native American-style.

Father Gabriel wants to use a radio to find more people. I noticed a lot of symbolism that we saw in FTWD this past season, and this reminded me of that. This could also be part of the Communications Theme.

Rosita and FG are a couple. I know not everybody is a fan, but I thought they were kinda cute together.

Father Gabriel says, "I think Michonne is wrong. I think they're good people." So, more of Beth's “there still good people” theme. But that's just the beginning. Rosita and FG’s conversation was super interesting.

Talking about the transmitter, Rosita says, "But trying to find people and reach out to them with that thing? It's like stumbling around in the dark." It reminded me of Beth stumbling around in the dark with Noah when they were trying to escape Grady.

FG then answers, "But think what we might find. Who we might find. What else might be out there." So, we have several different references to Beth in the scene. There's the “good people” remark, the “stumbling around in the dark” remark (which may or may not be around about Beth; I may be reaching).

Plus, we had the broken picture in the background.

Remember this window was broken when FG and Sasha fought over the gun in 5x16. So, yet another S5 reference (we seriously haven’t seen that picture since) plus we’re pretty sure the picture represents Beth. It has white cypress trees and it was shot with a bullet. My point is that we have a lot of Beth references in this scene, and FG says with emphasis, “Just think WHO we might find.” I think that’s super-significant.

So I’m feeling like this relay Eugene and Rosita set up may be how the group comes back into contact with Beth again.

Eugene is trying to get up his courage to tell Rosita how he feels about her. I thought it was interesting that she seemed to want him to tell her as well.

I felt like there was a lot of symbolism in what they said about the walker tracks. They notice hundreds of walker tracks heading East. Eugene is comforted by the fact that he and Rosita need to head west to get to the water towers, where they set up the relay. Then the walker herd ends up coming toward them anyway. Eugene says it must have done a U-turn. I'm assuming that's probably be because the Whisperers are doing something to push the walkers back that way. Still, we have the east-west symbolism.

The more I watch it, the more I think this sequence with Rosita and Eugene is super-significant and a major foreshadowing, which is not necessarily a good thing. First, they’re near graveyard. I had to look two or three times very carefully, but the water towers are directly next to a graveyard.

So, we have the Communication theme (because of the relay) a water symbol (the towers) and a graveyard that looks a lot like the graveyard in Alone.

We also saw a ladder fall and Eugene hurting his knee.

We saw a ladder fall around Maggie in S6, and I don’t think we ever nailed down exactly what the ladder symbolizes in TWD. But at the least, it means they're in danger. Maggie almost died when the ladder fell in S6 and Eugene almost died here because the ladder fell.

Okay guys, I’m gonna put an unpopular opinion forth here. I think we saw a lot of foreshadows in this episode that Eugene is going to die. I love Eugene these days, especially his long hair and seeing him as a bad ass, so I don't want him to die, but I'm worried he might. I mean, there's the graveyard, there's him falling and hurting his leg, the ladder, him offering to sacrifice himself for Rosita and trying to admit his undying love for her first. It all felt really ominous to me.

Then there's the fact that they used Rosita and Eugene to introduce the Whisperers. I feel like whoever they used, it was always going to be significant. The could’ve Daryl and Carol to introduce them, Magna’s group, or any character on the show, but they used Rosita and Eugene. So I’m wondering if, rather than Rosita and Ezekiel losing their heads to the Whisperers, it might be Rosita and Eugene. Again, I hope I’m wrong and, you know, nobody else dies EVER on the show, but I feel like that's what they might be telling us. Guess we’ll find out soon whether I’m right or not.

One more thing about this scene with Rosita and Eugene that made my jaw drop, though I’m actually not 100% on it. I noticed at one point, they focused on a shot of Rosita and Eugene’s feet as they ran. And I thought I saw something on the ground. So, I looked more closely. I’m not sure what this is, but there seems to be something metallic on the ground where they’re walking. I even think there might be two things, one on each side, and Rosita and Eugene walk between them. Is it possible that…this is a bear trap? If so, that’s HUGE! It’s a major symbol of Beth that TD has known about for a long time. But again, I’m not positive that’s what it is. Any insights?

Magna’s Group:

We always love music references, and Luke is a music teacher. What really jumped out at me, though, was when they asked him, “Who are you now?” he answers, “I’m still a music teacher.” You know, like “I still sing.”

And we can link the title to Beth as well. Remember when she talked o Daryl in Still, she said, “You gotta stay who you are, not who you were.” So the question, “Who are you, now?” goes along with that theme.

I thought Magna’s prison tattoo was interesting. Michonne said the four dots represented the four walls and in the middle one represented the prisoner inside. It made me think of Four Walls and a Roof (5x03). There's been plenty of conjecture about what the title meant. Maybe the whole time, the idea was that it represented a prison. (Also another callback to S5).

Which brings me to my next point. While arguing against letting Magna’s group stay, Michonne says, "I remember." 1) It has to do with what happened during the six-year time jump that they haven't told us yet. Michonne seems to be referencing a point when they let someone in and it went wrong. Probably the same thing she’s talking to Rick about later. 2) It hearkens back to the title in 5B. 5x12 was called Remember, so yet another reference to S5. 3) Beth said the exact same thing to Daryl in Still. "I remember."

Siddiq says the injured woman in Magna’s group (Miko) has a concussion and is dehydrated, but should be back on her feet soon. That made me think of Beth at Grady because she was also told she had a concussion, which she probably didn't. Can you see the parallels? Miko is part of a group, has a head injury, and wakes up in a new community.

Not sure what my opinion of Magna is yet. So far, she seems like a little bit of a loose cannon. She was about to break into Michonne’s house with the knife necklace. What did she plan to do? It was only when she saw Michonne’s son that she stopped, changed her mind, and went to knock at the front door. Hmm.

I also caught another theme at this part. When her and Michonne are talking, she says she’s done terrible things. Michonne answers that they all have. It’s the only reason they’re still here. Then Michonne says, “They aren’t always easy to live with.” To which Magna replies, “But it’s better than losing everything.”

I think that will be a theme this season. They have to learn to live with the things they’ve done. It may not be easy, but if they don’t, they could lose everything.

Reasons I think still Rick will be back:

1) In the opening montage, Michonne says, "I'm still here too." The “I'm still here” is a theme we've heard a lot in the show. When someone says it, it means they've survived and are still fighting. Michonne says, "I know you're still here. I'm still here too." She doesn't necessarily mean she thinks is alive, but I feel like it's symbolism that Rick will be back.

2) There's also the 7x12 symbolism. Remember Michonne thought Rick was dead and was utterly devastated, but he came back out through the yellow door (yellow equals escape) and they had a reunion. It's really only a matter time before he shows up again.

Judith and Negan

She reads him her math problem, and we get some more A/B symbolism. She says, “Airplane A and Airplane B are 1000 miles apart. If airplane A is flying east at 500 mph, and Airplane B is flying west at 650 mph…” She doesn't finish the question because Negan cuts her off. If the writers wanted us to hear the question, we would have. The only reason to hear the rest of the problem was to get that A/B and east-west symbolism in. Negan says she should book a seat on Airplane C because it sounds like one hell of a collision.

So, the idea is that these two planes are on a collision course. We have A, which we think represents leadership, and B, which is more like a follower. But we've also thought B might represent Beth and C represents TF and/or where they’re living. So, together with Daryl saying a storm is coming, it seems like a lot of things are about to collide here. Just not sure what form that will take yet.

Negan tells Judith his twisted little story about how he used to bring home stray dogs. Okay, so first of all, DOGS! (Sirius/Dog Star Symbolism). He uses his story to illustrate that even if the people seem to be good, it only takes one to kill everybody. That could most definitely foreshadow something.

Finally, the timeline was really jacked up. We saw three days in the Michonne/Alexandria story line. The first day where Magna’s group is brought to Alexandria, the second day where the trial is held, and then the third day where Michonne offers to take them to Hilltop and they set off.

Carol/Henry only went through two days. We saw them in the morning of the first day when they left the Kingdom and ran into the Saviors, at night, and then the next day where they meet Daryl.

For Rosita and Eugene, we saw only one day, and it wasn’t over yet at the end of the episode. No idea if that will be important moving forward, but I’ll keep an eye on it.

Okay, I’ll shut up now. Lots of setups in this episode for the coming arc. But definitely lots more interesting symbols than I thought there would be. Thoughts?

#beth greene #beth greene lives #beth is alive #beth is coming #td theory #td theories #team delusional #team defiance #beth is almost here #bethyl

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drewbarymore · 7 years

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the moment

Summary: bucky is faced with a question he can’t seem to find the answer to. Pairing: bucky x reader Word Count: 4.7k+ bc i dont know how to shut tf up Warning(s): hella pet names, a lil angst, sad bucky

a/n: happy birthday bucky!!

“You want to what who?”

Peter stiffens at the question, raising his arms up in a defensive stance. “Okay, hear me out—“

“No, no. It’s not an I-can’t-believe-what-just-came-out-of-your-mouth type of question,” Tony interrupts, raising a hand. “I just dissociated for a bit is all. Go on.”

You watch in amusement as Peter takes a huge relieved breath, nodding at Tony who takes a sip of his fourth (is it the fifth?) cup of coffee for today.

“Okay. I-I wanted to interview you for a project for my Marketing class. W-We have to start a business of some sort and advertise it. It just happens that we had to draw from a box what we drew was wedding planning. So you know, I thought it would be a great idea to interview couples. And then I thought of you. And by you, I mean all the couples in this tower.” Peter releases another deep breath after his explanation, bouncing both in excitement and anxiety with a gleam in his eyes, trying and failing to hide his excitement

You can’t help but smile, endeared by his eagerness, only for that smile to dim a little when you feel Bucky stiffen beside you. You squeeze his hand discreetly but reassuringly, keeping your eyes on Peter whose face was far too excited and adorably expectant to be able to say no to.

You were in the middle of doing laundry with Bucky when FRIDAY called you to the common room as per Tony’s request, not really specifying why. When you arrived along with everyone else, you’re greeted by the sight of Peter Parker standing awkwardly behind the couch with an incredibly tired-looking Tony leaning against a wall. Honestly, it amazes you how he still manages to hold himself up when he looks like he’s about ready to pass out any minute.

Silence beats around the room for a few moments, and each minute that passes, you can practically see Peter’s excitement fade and get replaced by shame.

You were about to speak up and just say yes after seeing him look down in disappointment but Tony beat you to it.

“‘Course, kid,” he takes a few steps closer to him and pats his shoulder, “you didn’t have to be so nervous. Sounds good to me. Sounds good, right?” He looks around the room, getting a collective nod from Sam, Nat, Steve, and you.

You beam with delight once you see Peter’s excitement come back. You turn to Bucky who only sported a faraway look, making your expression fall instantly. He sees your smile from his peripherals, and when he feels your gaze on him, he turns to look at you only to find the smile he was expecting to see now replaced by a look of worry. He tries to muster up a smile, but it does nothing to ease the expression on your face.

“Are you good with this, Buck? I mean, Peter has enough people, I think. We can pass up for this one—“

“Not if you want to. And I can tell you want to.” He smiles, leaning closer to you.

“I want to help, yes. But if it would make you uncomfortable, it’s a straight up no, and you know that, right?”

“Yeah,” he says, rubbing the back of your hand with his thumb, “and I want to.”

He’s lying through his teeth, but he manages to force out a pretty convincing smile that made the tension in your shoulders drop, and he thinks it’s worth it. He doesn’t want you to feel like he’s holding you back from the things you want to do. He wants you to feel free with him. Always. He wants to prove to you—or maybe more to himself— that he can do this. It’s just an interview. Couple of questions and it’s done. Besides, he knows Peter. He’s a good kid, and he would never put anyone in a position that would make them uncomfortable, or at least intentionally anyway.

You smile at him before pressing your lips on his forehead, and he tells himself again, yeah, this is worth it.

“We can still back out, you know.” you say as you adjust the sleeves of his button down shirt that’s folded up to his elbows, eyes flitting over to his face as you hear him release another sigh. It was the day of the interview, and you could tell he’s getting antsy again, more so than he had been the past few days.

“No.” he says, voice certain, but his eyes, not so much.

It’s your turn to let out a sigh, cupping his cheek in one hand to get him to look at you and running your thumb on his cheek comfortingly.

A small smile threatens to make its way up your lips when he meets your eyes. A familiar warmth explodes in your chest as he smiles at you, the blue of his eyes getting lighter. You bite your lip when you realize that you just forgot what you meant to tell him as soon as he looked at you, so you press your lips to his nose instead.

“You’re beautiful.” you whisper.

He chuckles, pink tinting his cheeks. “Stop it.”

“What? It’s true.” You press kisses to his face again, saying one sweet thing after each one, making him burst into giggles.

He retaliates by pressing his fingers onto your sides and wiggling them, making you laugh out loud. You try to push him away from you but he only tightens his hold, pressing light little kisses all over your neck.

“I love you,” he murmurs into your skin, and you melt instantly.

“I love you too.” You wrap your arms around him tightly, heart and soul at peace.

“Buck? Y/N?” A series of knocks sound through the door. You make a move to step out of the hug to open the door and see what Steve wants, but Bucky doesn’t let you go.

“Hmm?” he hums in reply to Steve, face still buried in your neck.

“You two ready?” Steve asks, swinging the door open.

You throw a quick greeting to Steve, hoping he heard you as you try your best to look at him with Bucky’s head in between your neck and shoulder and your back to the door. He only chuckles at the sight before him, still patiently awaiting a reply.

“Are we, baby?” you gently ask. He nods in response, stepping around a little so now your sides are facing the door.

“I need your words, angel.” you coax.

His heartbeat picks up at the nickname, a dopey smile appearing on his face as he lifts his head to look at you. “Yes.”

“Oh, my god.” Steve mutters in mock exasperation from the doorway, making Bucky throws him a dirty look, mind flashing back to all of the teasing he had to endure by him about you turning him into a sap.

“Shut up. Go away.” he snaps, making Steve raise his hands in surrender as he slowly backs away, smug smile still on his face.

He waits for the sound of his best friend’s steps to fade completely before letting his hold around you loosen up a bit.

“Let’s go?” you ask, taking his hands from behind you and holding them tightly.

“Yeah,” He squeezes them and takes the first step out of the room, keeping in mind that as long as you’re with him, he can do anything.

Except that he couldn’t. He really, really couldn’t.

Missions, espionage, murder, anything really, he can endure. HYDRA made damn sure he’d be good at that. Just not cameras. Or talking about personal things. Especially not both at the same time. It goes against his instincts of hiding under the shadows and keeping as much information to himself as he possibly can, not really having anyone to trust for such a long time.

He shifts uncomfortably under the scrutiny of the lens as Peter writes something down on a paper behind it. Through his peripherals, he can see everyone else who went before them looking through the windows, much like the two of you did a few moments ago when waiting for your turn. One of the rooms in the tower was redesigned to look warmer, more comforting and homey with cream-colored couches, brown pillows, and plants. They made sure the interview took place in the middle of the day, with the sun out and its light illuminating the room.

Every single one who went before you got back quickly. Tony and Pepper were the first, and they told the rest of you that only one question was going to be asked, but they refused to disclose what the question was, claiming that the whole point of it was to catch the ones being interviewed off guard and get the most honest answer out of them— the first thing that came to mind. Bucky’s heart picked up pace at that, but not like how it does because of you. It’s solely because of anxiety. He didn’t want to mess up. But a look from you alone made the voices quiet down.

Right now, though, sitting beside you in said room in front of Peter, he’s so damn sure nothing could calm him down.

It was a simple question, really. So simple that it made the self-loathing inside him grow even more because he couldn’t come up with an answer for it.

“I just wanna know. What was the moment for each of you?” Peter had asked. “As in, what was the moment that made you realize you loved the other person?”

You smiled brightly at him upon hearing it, almost excitedly. And what Tony and Pepper said made so much sense now. It’s supposed to catch you off guard so that moment for you flashes in your mind and you just know. It seemed like it happened for you based on the way you’re smiling at him, and it makes him feel like shit. He couldn’t, for the life of him, think of anything.

He loves you. He lives for you. That’s a given thing. It’s the one thing he’s sure about and holds on to very tightly ever since he got shoved into another world after living a life much like dying under HYDRA. He loves you, and that’s a constant in his life. A sure thing. And he hates himself so much more upon realizing that he didn’t know when or how he did. That he didn’t have a moment, like you do.

After every wrong thing he’s done, he’s so sure that the only thing he’s done right is loving you. And now he’s not so sure anymore. Is he really even loving you right, like how you deserve, if he can’t come up with an answer to a question you so easily can answer?

Your lips are moving, hands flying about animatedly as you talk with that sparkle in your eyes, something that you only have when you’re with him, according to Steve. He sees you talking, but he doesn’t really hear what you’re saying, mind already too busy trying to come up with an answer and screaming self-deprecating thoughts simultaneously.

“What about you, Mr. Barnes?”

He feels like he’s being pulled out of water when he hears his name, except that it has the opposite effect on him. He now feels like he can’t breathe even when he’s already supposedly in land.

“Baby, are you okay?” you ask, and he couldn’t meet your eyes. Not because he’s afraid of seeing disappointment or hatred in them because god, he’d take that any day over what he knows he’ll see.

He tries to breathe properly and calm himself down as discreetly as possible, but it doesn’t work. He just wants to come up with something, anything that would fully express how much he loves you and not just some half-assed bullshit, but he couldn’t and he hates himself so much because he couldn’t even do one goddamn thing right for you and he wishes he wasn’t like this or that he wasn’t here—

The atmosphere in the room completely changed through the course of his silence, he realizes. The light you brought when you were the one talking is now replaced by the burden of his existence, and it breaks him even more.

You rub your thumb on the back of his hand, and he makes the mistake of looking at you, only seeing understanding and adoration, things he definitely did not deserve from anyone, much less from you.

“I’m sorry,” he manages to choke out before standing up and leaving the room. He passes the others by as he makes his way to the elevators, disappointment surely marring their features. What else would they expect from him anyway? From someone who fucks everything up?

The elevator door closes, and he heaves a ragged breath, hands instinctively shooting to his side to clutch on to something, only to realize that there’s nothing, or rather no one beside him. His mouth drops open in horror as it dawns on him that he left you in there. He walked out in the middle of the interview in front of everyone, not giving an answer after he watched you pour your heart into one and he left you to clean up after his goddamn mess. He clutches his hair in exasperation, wanting to just tear the doors of the elevators open and run back to you. But the shame and the fear of what you’re going to say to him makes him shrink back into himself.

So he locks himself into your shared room instead, like the coward that he is.

He opens one of the windows, making the cool breeze get inside as he wipes the tears that fell harshly off his face. He would’ve gone to the rooftop, but the security doors and walls offer is something he needs right now.

(Your arms around him beats that. But he knows he doesn’t really deserve that after the shit he pulled.)

But all of the false sense of peace he tried to build around him shatters when he hears the door open and shut. He doesn’t even have to look to know who it is.

Goddamn FRIDAY. Goddamn this tower’s tech. Goddamn him the most for being a mistake of a human being.

“Hey,” he hears you say softly. So softly understanding and love bleeds through the sound.

He doesn’t respond, clenching his jaws hard in an attempt to keep the new onslaught of tears from falling. He has no right to cry. Not when you should be the one crying and screaming at him for being a piece of shit.

His entire body shakes when he feels your arms wrapping securely around him. The tears fall and he can’t help but release a strangled breath, both from relief upon feeling you and guilt, so much guilt because he knows he doesn’t deserve this yet he can’t let you go.

He shuts his eyes tightly, steeling his heart and prying your hands off of him.

“Buck…?”

He stays silent, hoping you’d get the hint that he wants you to stay away for now. Because he’s no good and won’t ever be any good for you. And you don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve someone like him.

“I-I’m sorry.” you say. “We shouldn’t have gone, Buck. I’m so sorry.” Your voice breaks and he shatters. He caves in on himself, head in his hands and tugging harshly on his hair. He shakes from the sobs he’s trying to hold back, couldn’t breathe because of it. But he manages not to let a sound out.

You nod even when he can’t see you, wiping a few tears before stepping further away from him.

“I’m going to take another shower, okay?” you tell him just so he knows where to find you. Just so he knows you’re still going to be there, that you understand he needs space.

He doesn’t move until he hears the bathroom door shut and the water turn on. His nails start to dig unconsciously into his scalp, but he barely feels it, mind occupied with dark thoughts and heart filled with so much abhorrence for himself and so, so much more you. You and his love for you.

And he thinks maybe it isn’t enough. Maybe love isn’t enough because he’s a monster and he can’t and won’t ever be able to do anything right in this mistake of a second life he’s trying to build for himself.

But then he thinks of you. You and your never ending patience, your genuine and bright and only for him smiles, your soft eyes and lovely words, your I love yous and the countless different ways in which you tell him everyday. And he thinks maybe it is enough. So much more than enough and so much more than he deserves. God, he never stops wishing he could be better for you, but at the same time he’s selfishly praying you don’t get tired of him.

Before he could make sense of his actions, he’s stepping into the shower with you, shoulders slumped and fully clothed.

You jump when you feel his arms around you, more from the coldness of his metal arm and the fact that you can feel the fabric of the clothes he’s wearing than from his presence.

He pushes his face into the crook of your neck, nuzzling further, and you can only put your other hand on top of his arms around you.

“Baby, your clothes are gonna get wet,” you tell him softly, gulping as you feel his body tremble behind you.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles onto your skin, and your heart clenches in your chest.

“Your arm was just cold, is all. Nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart.” you say, knowing full well he’s not not talking about him startling you. It’s so much more than that. But you don’t want to push him about what happened earlier.

He shakes his head. “There’s so much. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. So, so sorry.”

You turn around and wrap your arms around his neck, caressing his back with one hand and running the other one through his already wet hair as best as you could.

“It wasn’t your fault. We shouldn’t have gone.” you coax, but he’s not having it.

“I wish I was someone better. Someone you deserve.” he chokes out, and you tighten your hold around him. Somehow, you can feel the difference between his tears and the droplets from the shower, and it almost feels like it’s burning your skin. You hate seeing him like this.

“I love you.” was the only thing you could say, your own voice shaking. He lets out a sob, a sound so goddamn broken and helpless it pains you. He slides down on his knees, wrapping his arms around your middle and pressing his face onto your stomach.

“I told myself I’m gonna be better for you. I swear, doll, I tried. But I can’t seem to do a damn thing right. I love you so much, but I can’t seem to do it right.” You can feel the uneven puffs of breath onto your skin and his hot tears, and you want to crouch down to his position but his hold on you is so tight you can barely move.

You try to pry his arms off of you, but as soon as he feels it, his head snaps up, eyes filled with panic.

“No, no, n-no. Baby doll, I’m sorry. I’m trying–“ his voice borders hysteria when you succeed on prying his arms off, but you quickly hush him by sitting down and taking his head in your arms and tucking it under your chin.

“I know, baby. I know you’re trying.” you say, still trying to keep your voice even.

“I’m sorry.” he weeps, hugging you back tightly.

“Shh, no. I love you. Nothing else matters as much as this. As much as you.”

He holds you tight, so close to him, and you tell him it’s okay. You don’t need his words. He’s shown you multiple times through numerous actions that he loves you. One time through literally taking a bullet for you, and you almost killed him for it, but you know that had the roles been reversed, you’d have done the same thing.

He loves you. He makes you feel it, and that’s enough. So much more than enough.

“Where are we going?” Your eyebrows furrow as he leads the way to wherever he’s planning to go, tugging you gently by the hand behind him.

He doesn’t answer, only smiling at you before the earnest look he’s had since breakfast this morning makes a comeback.

It’s been a week since the interview, and things are back to normal. That night though, he didn’t want to be apart from you in any way, making sure that he has your hand in his at all times, and when you fell asleep, he had his arms and legs wrapped around you, almost engulfing you with his stature. You didn’t mind, glad that at least he wasn’t pushing you away like he does sometimes.

The morning after that, everything’s back to the way it was. Nobody spoke of it, only Peter calling to apologize.

“Bucky, are we okay?” you ask again, squeezing his hand as the elevator goes up.

“Yes, doll.” He chuckles, pressing a kiss to your head.

“Then why won’t you—“

Before you can go on with your question, the elevator doors ding open, revealing the hall of a familiar floor.

“Just trust me, okay?” he says, running a thumb along your cheek, making you melt into him.

“Mmkay.” You sigh contently.

But again, your confusion grows when you realize that this is the floor where the room the interview took place in is. You’re walking right up to the room where it took place to be exact.

“Bucky—“

You’re again interrupted by the door opening, revealing Peter.

“Hey!” he greets, a smile lighting up his face. “It’s all set up. I was just about to go down, see if you changed your mind.” he continues, gaze directed at Bucky.

“No. Not this time.” Bucky says, still not looking at you.

They smile at each other, and you take that as an opportunity to finally talk.

“Okay,” you motion between the two of them, “care to enlighten me about what the hell’s going on?”

Bucky just gets behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist and carries you inside the room, making you squeal from being lifted off the ground. Peter lets out a laugh, taking a seat as he watches Bucky waddle over to the couch, setting you down and plopping next to you.

You look around the room as the laughter dies down, apprehension replacing your joy. It looks the same as it did last week—cameras and all— and you’re kind of getting a hunch on what’s about to happen, making worry spring in your chest.

“Buck, are you sure?” you ask him.

He smiles and pecks your lips. “Yes.”

Peter clears his throat, grabbing both you and Bucky’s attention. “Okay, so…Mr. Barnes, what was the moment for you? The moment you realized you love Ms. Y/N?”

You take both of his hands in yours, ready to tell him sincerely that it’s okay if he doesn’t want to answer, that you didn’t have to do this again, but he turns to look at you and speaks first, and it makes your heart beat faster in your chest.

“It-It’s…” he stammers, red rising up his cheeks, “every time I’m with her. Every time I look at her. It’s always that moment.”

Your heart stops, and you feel your chest well up with warmth and so much love for this man sitting next to you.

“Some will say it’s a lazy answer,” he chuckles a bit, and you shake your head, vision already blurry, “but it’s the truth. I’ve spent so much time either frozen or wishing I had my eyes closed instead just so I don’t see what I was doing. There was a time when even closing my eyes isn’t an escape. Everything I did follows me, awake or not. And then there’s you.”

You let the tears fall freely, not wanting to let go of the hand of the love of your life who’s looking at you like you’re one of the goddamn seven wonders of the world or something.

“Every time I see you next to me when the day begins and as it ends, I just know that I love you, and that I’m the luckiest in the world, because I get to be around you. Because somehow, you love me too. I’m not sure I believe in god, or fate, destiny, or some other bullshit, but I thank whatever force it is that brought you to me everyday.”

You let out a sob, and he reaches up to wipe the tears gently from your face. You cup his cheek in yours and tuck a strand of hair away from his face.

“Sometimes I get so angry because I feel cheated. I feel like the world did me wrong, but I look at you, and all of that goes away. I would go through all of that a million times if it means I get to you again one day. You’re the only thing the world has done right to me, sweetheart.” He smiles, his own tears making his eyes glisten.

You couldn’t hold it back. You jump right at him, throwing your arms around his neck and burying your face in his neck, sobs still escaping your lips.

“Hey, hey, shh. I’m here, angel.” he hushes you, running his hand up and down your back, the other one holding you to him. He leans back a little to look at you and take your face in his hands. He wipes your tears again, and you whine.

“Dude, that’s just rude. I can’t be in here crying.” You swat his chest, no force behind it at all. He chuckles at that, pressing kisses on both of your eyelids.

“Now Peter has seen my ugly ass crying face.” You pout slightly, chancing an embarrassed glance to Peter.

“O-Oh, no. No. Just-just pretend I’m not here.” he says, sniffling. Your swollen eyes widen when you see his slightly red nose and red-rimmed eyes as he packs up. You look back at Bucky who just shrugs.

“He doesn’t mind.” He smirks before leaning down to kiss your lips.

Later that night, when the both of you are in bed just waiting to fall asleep, you ask him about why he decided to do it again.

“I mean, I’m not complaining one bit. What you said ripped my heart out in the best way possible.”

He inches closer to you, laying his head down your chest. Your hands instinctively go to his hair, and he sighs in content.

“I wanted to make it up to you.” he whispers so quietly, you almost miss it.

“It’s not— you didn’t even do anything wrong.” you say, heart clenching at his reply. You hate that he thought he did something wrong just because he couldn’t answer the first time. You hate that he beat himself up for it.

“I want to be the best for you. Or at least try to be.” he says, almost bashfully.

“Stop it, Bucky,” you hold him closer and tighter to your chest, “and tell your demons to go meet me at Main Street. I’m gonna beat them up.”

He chuckles at that, looking up at you in adoration, all innocent bright blue eyes and pink lips, making you want to drag to hell everything and everyone who has hurt and still are hurting him.

“You already are. I want no one else.” you say, pressing your lips to his in a lingering kiss.

He leans into it, feeling reassured at the moment. Deep down, there’s still something telling him that this is all so impossible, that the world will still somehow find a way to take this—you— away from him, but fuck if he lets that happen.

He promised himself he would try to deserve you, and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t do everything in his power to keep that promise this time.

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky imagine #bucky barnes fluff #bucky fluff #bucky angst #10 march 2018

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icharchivist · 6 years

Text

perso-rant underneath and at first i intended it to be more light hearted but welp cant dive into myself without digging the bad stuff so just ignore this as rambling.

(idk if the cut works on mobile so as usual blacklist #ichapersonal to skip it , its quite long)

its night and im noisy and all but yknow part of the reason m/lb is such a healing show for me and i rewatch it every couple of days?

i cry everytime M.arinette's family is on screen pretty badly bc i get so envious all the time. i hate my shitty family (and often can relate to A.drien's ressentment) so just seeing such a /healthy/ family being often shown litterally brings me to tears. im like C.hat in the animan episode when he stares at the family picture with a sweet smile (another detail that stupidly make me cry who allowed th i s)

like. i dont relate to A.drien's relation to his family but some of the emotional effects is often a moment of "welp. mood." and being kinda sad /for him/ even if i can feel it for myself too. but then with M.arinette's family everytime they get to be on screen i realize how happy this sort of dynamic makes me and it makes me /so envious/.

like my mom is an artist and an excellent cook but she always barred those interests from me bc it was /hers/ and it was for /her ego/ and this attitude just killed every curiosity i had and remplaced it with a complete unability to care.

i used to bake as a kid but my mom was always shutting down everything i was doing, and if i was asking for help or recieps she would just tell le "it's a secret just watch " and never letting me know tf she was doing so i stopped lmao. everytime ive tried meals since it was only for myself and with a hard mocking from family and mom saying she had a better recieps and i should just let her do so i dont even try it often. (moreeven now that the kitchen is opened to the living room and they're super judgemental when im in it)

i was messing with drawings and paints in her workshop when i was a kid but she would always point out flaws and take my tools to correct it without telling nor showing me how and it killed it, it took me until my 14yo to start doing mindless doodles and then my breakdown when i was about 20 to seriously try back to draw and do art and try different tools (until my right hand made it impossible for me to hold a tool and the failure still feels yknow)

i wanted to sew things and make clothes (at the time for my dolls) but my mom was never letting me touch the tools (that we HAD since not only she made clothes but her mom actually had a fabrique shop. like. right next door. i think it became part of my mom's trauma hating her mom and refusing us to connect with her, more so with what happened when i was 7 and we lost contact with them but still, the damn irony. and i cant remember if my grandma ever let me close her sewing material but i was a damn kid after all) so this is another thing i didnt pursue

i wanted to pick up music (piano mostly) bc my uncle is a musician but my parents never wanted to invest in that because they already gave a piano to my sister (that i wasnt allowed to use) so ye that was dropped lmao

and i started to write when i was about 11 and it was that /one thing/ i didnt need help for from anyone, completely self taught, with my own ways and tools, and my parents were always dismissive of it, never listening to me, always telling me it wasnt important, that i should focus on something else, and after other circumstances that added to that i dropped writting around my 17/18yo and it had been painful to even try to write again since.(i came back to writing around my 20yo a bit before my breakdown but after it happened it started to die out and i felt exhausted and stopped after a few months and since then i've never been able to pick up writing again ay.)

(and im not touching the obsessive elements bc like- the fact she does it for her crush makes it different, but the sort of things she does? taking pictures and putting them everywhere in her room when she hyperfixates, making overcomplicated schedules and such? i litteraly do that with fiction. i made a freaking timeline for this show. i am currently working on organizing codex from d.a and an approval guide for christ sake. and im not talking about my multiple fandom shrines in my room and the fact i legit have one for m/lb made from pictures found on merchs.

or also the fact i have a lot of passions i'd love to share and seeing M. play video games with her dad for exemple makes me so bitter when all i get is backhanded insults from my parents when i bring it up.)

So sometimes i see M. and part of me is just in awe, loving everything about her. the other part of me tho... i feel... a bit robbed? like she's such a creative kid, she's incredible and she inspires me everyday, and i cant help but think how i would have adored her when i was a kid. (im not even kidding, as a kid i requested my mom a costume of black cat for h.alloween and a l.adybug costume for the carnaval. i have pictures of that at my dad's place sadly it kills me. also my room when i was a kid used to be covered with l.adybug stickers like. HELL my mom doesnt care about my interests but last year she bought me a M/LB winter callendar (bc its been years i was mentioning i wanted one, a selfish whim but oh well) and i had a huge double take bc i was certain she didnt remember me talking about this show- and she did not. when i asked her why, she legit told me "because she reminded me of you as a kid with your pigtails your obsession for l.adybugs". like!! i cant even stress how kid!me would have adored this show and especially LB./M.) (the pigtails too this time i have proofs around there i used to carry them all the time until i was bullied for it at school. (bullying at school instead of good friends also adds to the difference in question tbh lmao))

there is something so... weird into seeing the parts of yourself that you cut yourself from in a character, and see that the main difference is because of how the family (and bullies) treated those elements so drastically differently.

my family was always neglectful but differently than A.. the things i relate to with him is how he specifically still holds on hope that his father will do better at least just for one day and his reaction when he's left down saying he's just used to it. and like normal, not every kind of abuse are the same and all but i still relate enough to feel sad.

but M. is always a whiplash of feelings like i could have been this sort of girl in a better environment.

at 13/14yo she was already making stuff up, baking, designing clothes, doing art, she was doing so many things, even forgetting the superhero part. she was being happy being a creator at her pace and with encouragement. at 13/14yo i was starting to show concerning signs of d.epression because i was trying to handle my parents's divorces and the multiple trials that followed that /i/ had to handle by finding middle grounds, allowing some of my father's blackmail to avoid worse, and by litterally having to collect infos from mails everytime to prove against some of his arguments to the judges. and my sister refusing to talk to us for a year, which caused us basically to feel very bad thinking of the eldest sister who ran away from home, and having to handle my father's harrasment and emotional abuse of constantly belittling me (fuck this was the age he legit told me i would probably end up a p.rostitute so ye!!! fuck that!!!) andd the fact my mom was also falling apart from all of it on me and i was always supposed to cheer her up while i was having a hard time in a new school and new environment away from the very few friends i had and again feeling abandonned by my sister which freaking sucks after already had suffered that from our eldest one.

but M. makes me cry every. goddam. rewatch. its like maybe the ultimate wish fufilling story of just how i would have loved my family to be. of how i think i could have turned up.

and that realization hits so badly everytime.

there's a thing with my hyperfixations where i'll always find a way to tie it back to my traumas. i dont know if im pulling straws, or if the things are there. for having watched m.lb when it came out unfazed and only got hit with that realization upon rewatching- i feel it was more me realizing "there is something there that is touching me more than before" and having an introspection to get it.

and i think the difference is that- before my breakdown the characters and stories i related to where the eternal optimistic-yet-damaged "never give up!" type of characters. When things started to go downhill to my breakdown and since then the fictions that talked to me the most were all dealing with guilt coming from toxic environment that werent your fault per se but you pierceved that way. my way to relate were to characters who felt deeply connected to their guilt (peak being c.loud of f.f7 that even topped it with the deadly skin disease making him lose will to live (because ye that happened. still hate to watch out for that so ye), and memories issues, you would have told me at 13yo when i first watched that movie that this would be what i would relate to him about 7 years later i would have laughed at your face.), which translated with pushing people away and self destructing habits.

and i know i watched m.lb the first time around that time, when i was 20/21. and that may be why i didnt feel that. that my concerns were too elsewhere to realize that. That i was too focalized on how i felt like i failed by suddenly breaking under the pressure, having all the things i've kept burried kicking me out at once, and that i couldnt afford to be a burden to anyone. and it translated with me loving characters like that because in most cases their friends ended up reminding them of what was important - and sometimes just getting frustrated about your fav being as dumb as it forces you to pull yourself back together lmao. not always working but it was there.

now im 23. i cut ties with my father for about 3/4 years now, with all the shitty things that ensued out of the last trial where he sued me and his still-happening harrasment (sometimes silly sometimes scary). My mom and step dad are suffocating me more and more everyday. my health had become so disastrous i cant even manage to go school or find a job. And more than ever im frustrated and angry.

and i think it may be a shown of recovery? perhaps linked to therapy? of while i still have guilt of falling apart- /they/ are the reason i fell apart. and I'm yet to have proper apologizes for it. i grew furious at my family. of how much i feel robbed.

lately im so angry at everything i lost, was taken of, stolen childhood all of that- because of my parents, mainly. (hell even the bullying at school - in primary school it apparently started bc of gossips about why my eldest sister ran away from home, and in middle school it was first bc my parents insisted on sending me to private school where i was an outcast. which then had me truly embrassing the outcast persona that had made it impossible for me to be at peace in the two others middle schools i went to. highschool saved my social life tbh).

i think it's therapy and recovery that is making me shift the blame and feel so angry at them. so bitter. and suddenly i see in an innocent kid show a "what could have been". same starting personality, different people to channel this.

and this is. frustrating.

but it makes me love it even more. idk if its driving anything else than ressentment but at least for the time of an episode I'm in a bubble of a.lternative universe where i can forget about my life and feel satisfied at once.

like finding a piece of myself that i deliberately broke and burried to never think about it again, and realize far later how it missed to the whole, and how damaged this piece is now, but still is.

and there is something incredibly healing about that. i would never have thought there would be this much healing out of this anger and yet satisfaction. what a strange feeling.

fiction is funny that way. the things people can get out of it to deal with their own psyche are so different one person to the next.

it's just so weird for me to go from "i relate to the horrors this character went through" to "and fuck those horrors. let me think about what could have been if this didnt happen."

even moreso knowing i had this piece of fiction before and didnt approach it that way. there's a time and a mindset for everything. apparently now was the best mindset for me huh

.......

so ye apparently i cant like something like a normal person and have to go on about how it connects to my deeply rooted traumas lmao.

anyway it's been eating me up for weeks now and it's 4:45am i have absolutly no impulse holding me back. if you sat through this piece of work im sorry. just needed it to get it out of my chest.

i'll go back to hugging my cheap-yet-lifesaving c.laire's l.adybug pillow now

good night o/

#ichapersonal

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