#whoa i never do reread books a second time this close to the first read

[bellaroles]

Rereading Qian qiu, I like it even more than my first read. At first when I rewatch some episodes of the donghua, I just want to reread some parts. But as I went in from the first scene onward, I couldn't stop reading. Didn't expect it from a book I used to complain so much on the first read. I even enjoyed the power struggle between sects and political factions more this time around. Also I appreciate the poetic prose even more so this time. Kudos to the Thai version translator, beautiful prose also even translated. (When I have learnt sufficient Chinese, I wanna try reading the original version...when will that day come lol)

Most of all, I love this ship very much. Super unpredictable bastard "Yan Wushi" and clever-but- soft-hearted "Shen Qiao"

[thekitteninlove]

Alright, here's another fanfic. I said that Dalim should get a better present for his birthday, so i gave him one. I wrote this to celebrate his birthday and to make him rip my clothes off and devour me. I guess this could be a reader insert too. Enjoy~

Characters: Dalim/ Dum Tweedle x reader

Rating: R 18+

I was lying on my bed, trying to decide what present I could give to Dalim. That guy seems to be a sex addict, so I’m sure he’d like it if i made love to him as a birthday present. But his fans think the same thing. He’ll most likely get an orgy for his birthday. Why does the thought of that makes me so annoyed? Am I jealous? I think I might have a crush on him. Ugh, if only he wasn’t such a womanizer. Never mind that, I need to think of a present. I want to give him something unique. Oh, I heard he likes poems. I could buy him a poetry book or… write him a poem. If I make it myself the present should be more meaningful. But I haven’t wrote one since… I don’t know. It’s been years since I last made one. I know I wrote some poems when I was in school. I could give it a try and make a short one. I went to my desk, grabbed a paper and a pen and started to think of some ideas. When writing poetry one needs to respect some rules. I still remember some of them, so I can write a decent poem. I thought of Dalim. What comes to mind when thinking of him? What does he remind me of? Wolves, the moon, shadows, night, the darkness… hmm… I need to make it rhyme. Let’s see… ugh, I need to rearrange this line. Wolf rhymes with only a few words and none of them are suitable for this poem. A little while later I finally finished writing the poem. I reread it. Hmm… it sounds fine. I shouldn’t expect my poem to rival the ones made by those famous poets. Also, uh… I meant to write a love poem, but this is… an erotic poem? Damn. Since he’s a pervert I’m sure he’ll like it though. We’re one of a kind after all. It sure sounds better and more perverted than my earlier works. If I keep writing poems maybe I’ll become a perverted poet, but that’s not one of my life goals. Now all I have to do is put it in a nice envelope and that’s it. But wait, I don’t think this is enough for a birthday present. What else could I give him? Oh, I know what. But if I want to do that maybe I should invite him over. His birthday is tomorrow, so I should go to his tavern tonight to invite him.

After a few hours, I got dressed and went to the pub. When I arrived the place was already lively. I caught sight of him at the bar, serving drinks, so I started to make my way towards him. He noticed me and waved me over. “Hey, Dum, are you busy right now?” I asked him. I didn’t use his real name since he wanted to keep a secret that he was a disciple of magic.

“Hi, princess, I always have time for you” he said with a smile that would steal a girl’s heart in less than a second

“I just want to ask you if you could come over to my place tomorrow.” I was worried that he might turn down my invitation and ruin my plans.

“You sure, princess?” he was grinning “you know how wicked I am. It’s dangerous to be alone with me.”

I know he wasn’t a completely bad person. He has helped me numerous times. “That’s fine. I want to give you a present”

He looked surprised. “A present? You don’t have to do that. Not for someone like me.”

“But I want to because I care about you. I also want to show my gratitude for all the times you’ve helped me”

He seemed to think it over. “Well… if you insist, but… why do I have to go to your place to get it?” he was smirking now “what kind of present do you have for me?”

“It’s a secret” I want to surprise him and… I don’t want to risk being overheard. That’d be embarrassing.

“Hmm… then I look forward to it” He smiled at me “Do you want to order something now?”

“Oh, yes. Um…” there were so many choices, I don’t know what to choose. “Do you have any recommendations?”

“You should try this one out. It’s a new drink I came up with myself. I want to hear what you think of it”

“Alright, then I want this one” I finally made up my mind

“Coming right up” he said as he went to prepare my order

Since he was busy we didn’t have the chance to talk much, but we’d have the opportunity to talk more the next day.

He was bound to arrive any moment now. I was a bit hesitant about doing this at first. I’ve never worn a white sexy bunny suit. Do I look good in this? I hope so. I heard a knock at the door. I took a deep breath to calm myself. I hope that’s Dalim, not just the mailman or the neighbor or someone else. I’d be really embarrassed if they saw me like this. I went to open the door and saw his shocked face.

“Happy Birthday, Dalim!”

“Princess” he was grinning at me “are you trying to tempt me?”

“Maybe” I smiled coyly at him “This is your present” I handed him the envelope with the poem in it. “I wrote a poem for you. I know you like them”

“Thank you” He took it from my hand

“Oh, and you can come on in and make yourself comfortable”

After we settled on the sofa, he opened the envelope and began to read the poem.

“Your dark grey eyes the color of the moon

Entrance me and make me swoon

Sweet words are stealing my heart away

Making me think about you night and day

You’re the wolf and I’m your prey

But with you I want to play

Lying in wait and hiding in the shadows

Will you jump and tear off my clothes?

Warned have I been about your dangerous mind

But with rope my body I want you to bind

You can play with me and eat me

My heart is yours, so I won’t flee”

OMG, he’s reading my lame poem out loud. I felt my cheeks growing hotter. Is he doing this to tease me?

He was smirking at me. “Do you want me to do this to you?”

“Um, i…” I need to get a hold of myself. He’s teasing me too much! I got up from the sofa and said “H-how about we play a game? If you can catch me in 3 minutes you’ll get a reward”

“In only 3 minutes? Alright, princess, I’ll do my best. Oh, but what’s the reward?”

“The loser will do whatever the winner wants”

“Sounds good. I already know what I want from you”

Uh-oh, I think I know what he has in store for me if I don’t win. “Alright, let’s start” I quickly moved away from the sofa and run to the kitchen. There was a table in the middle. I went around it and stopped. He was across from me.

“You look so delicious, my bunny” He took a few steps to the right and I took a few steps to the left. “Should I eat you here in the kitchen, on the table or should I have my lunch in bed?”

My heart is beating wildly and it’s not only because of the running. I also feel… excited. I’m having fun. I darted towards the bedroom. I could hear him chasing me. I was being hunted by the wolf. He was closing in on me. I bet he can be faster than this. He was just toying with me. Oh no, I’ll get caught. He grabbed one of my arms and pulled me towards him. Then he wrapped his arms around my waist, pressing my back against him.

He whispered in my ear “I caught the bunny. Now I will get my reward”. Then he tore my clothes off, leaving me in only my white thigh high socks and bunny ears.

Whoa! I certainly didn’t expect that. I mean, I did mention this in the poem, but to think he’ll actually do this…

“I won’t hold back this time.” He said and started kissing my neck, while one of his hands was playing with my nipple and the other was traveling down my stomach. “I’ll devour you” he said in a voice that reminded me of a hungry wolf. Then he took me in his arms and carried me to the bed. He placed me on it and said “I’ve decided, I’ll have my lunch in bed”. He moved on top of me and placed his arms on either side of me. The room was dimly lit because of the curtains that blocked out the light from outside. He was looking at me as if I was a delicacy. He leaned forward and bit my neck. I let out a gasp. “I told you not to get close to me, yet you tempt me like this…” He began to lick my neck again.

Feeling his hot tongue on me made my heart race in my chest and my body temperature increase. He did warn me and I know he’s a bad man. I’ve seen it. He did horrible things under Amon’s command, but for some reason I still feel attracted to him. I just can’t forget all the things he’s done for me. He was always there when I needed help. But knowing about the atrocities he’s committed makes me feel guilty about liking him like this. It’s like saying ‘I don’t care that you made people suffer, I still like you’. Feeling love for such a bad man makes me a horrible woman.

He was now making his way down my body with his tongue, while also giving me love bites. The pleasure he was making me feel made my disquieting thoughts melt away. All I could do now was focus on how good he was making me feel. It was like a wolf was eating me up. After he went below my navel and teased that part with his tongue he then put his hands on my legs and spread them. His mouth moved to my inner thighs and began to place some love bites there too

“Ohhh, Dalim~”

I felt his warm mouth moving closer and closer to my sweet spot. Thinking about how good it’ll feel when his tongue finally reaches that spot made me sigh with pleasure and squirm. I gripped his hair and pushed him where I wanted him to be. I moaned as I felt his warm mouth on my clit. He began sucking on it and I gripped his hair tighter. “Ahhh, Dalim, eat me~”. He began to insert his fingers one by one in me, moving them around and trying to find out where I was more sensitive and what movements made me moan more. The pleasure I was feeling was getting more intense by the minute. He found a way to move his fingers that was sending me over the edge. The vibrations caused by him moaning against my clit were making me moan louder. The pleasure intensified until I finally reached the climax. I was breathing hard.

Dalim raised his head and was now looking at me with a grin on his face. “Oh, no, I made my bunny dirty. I need to wash you now.” He carried me like a princess to the bathroom, where he set me down. He began to undress, but was looking at me, probably because he wanted to see my flustered face. As if he didn’t see enough of it. “Do you like to watch me undress, princess~?” He was teasing me. The teasing never stopped with him.

My cheeks grew hotter. “Uh… maybe?” I felt a bit embarrassed to admit it.

“I know you like it” He was slowly undressing. I could see now that he was hard. “You look so sexy in those thigh high socks and bunny ears, but I need to get them off you so I can wash you” He approached me and bent on one knee to remove my socks. I leaned on him as he took them off. He then turned on the water and made sure its temperature was just right before we entered the shower. He grabbed the shower gel and put some of it on his hands. “I warned you that you’ll get defiled if you keep staying near a bad man like me. Now I need to clean you up” he said with a smile and then moved behind me. One of his hands was on my neck and the other on my stomach. “Your neck seems so fragile, so easy to break” he whispered in my ear.

What? That took me by surprise. “Hey, are you trying to scare me?” Is he trying to push me away like he sometimes did? I realized some time ago that he was doing this to keep me safe. He was warning me that he was dangerous and that I should stay away. I didn’t know if he was still working for Amon or not. He always changed the subject whenever I brought it up. Maybe this meant that the answer was yes. If so, it really is dangerous to be near him. I may have made a mistake in choosing to stay by his side. But the thought of cutting ties with him made me… sad. I don’t want to do that, but that would be the right choice. Aren’t there any other options?

“I’d never harm you, princess. I’d never hurt a woman.”

No, I know he wouldn’t. Not unless Amon orders him to do so. He’s obeying him, but he never told me why.

His hand traveled from my neck to my breasts and he started cleaning them, while his other hand moved down my stomach and was now rubbing me between my legs. “Ah~, Dalim”. His stimulation was making me weak kneed. I don’t know for how much longer I can stand up. I put my hands on the wall to lean on it and I felt him press himself against me.

“Mmh, it’s so hard to restrain myself when I’m around you” he said in a husky voice. He started to insert himself in me, moving slowly at first, but gradually picking up the pace.

I was moaning and calling his name. “Oh, yes, faster”

“Ahh, as you wish, my lady”. He was getting rougher

I was gasping for air and trying not to fall to my knees because of the intense pleasure I was feeling. “Ahh, yes, Dalim~”. I could hear him moan behind me and feel his hands rubbing one of my breasts and my sweet spot. He’s an expert at pleasing women. The dirty things he was doing to me were steadily sending me closer to the climax. The way he was moving and his moans told me that he was getting closer too. A little while later I felt that extreme feeling of pleasure at last as I came and he did that too soon after. I was still leaning against the wall trying to catch my breath when I heard his voice.

“Mmh, I made you dirty again. I need to clean you more”

I turned towards him. “Then let me clean you too”

“Oh, so you want to do it too? Alright then” He was smiling at me

I grabbed the shower gel and put some of it on my hands. Then I began to wash his mus-, no, I mean his body. I washed his body, while he was washing mine.

After we got out of the shower and dressed ourselves, he said that he had something to do. He was vague as usual, but I didn’t press him further.

“Thanks for the present, princess. Sorry that I got my bunny dirty”

“D-don’t apologize” I said. I felt myself blush as I remembered what we did.

“Oh, so you liked it then?” he said with a grin

“Wasn’t it obvious?” I couldn’t look at him right now, so I turned my gaze to a random chair.

“You’re right, your moans were so sexy. I’ll also get you a present as good as this, if not even better, for your birthday, so look forward to it.”

He was teasing me again! I wish he would give my cheeks a break. They’ll melt from so much heat.

“See you next time. Bye” he said as he opened the door to leave.

“Alright. Bye”

Even after he left I kept thinking of him. What should I do? Should I keep seeing him like this? What other options do I have? I don’t want to cut ties with him. I could… get rid of Amon? But no one knows where he went after he escaped from prison and even if I knew where he was I don’t have the power to do that. I have a feeling Dalim had something to do with his escape. I need to think of a solution. Fast.

[agentstarkbarnes]

To all the boys I've loved before. (Based on the OG movie, not the book)

A/N: There is no love triangle like in the movies cuz I ✨ hated ✨ it in the movie, so the ending is gonna be different. Actually, a lot of stuff is going to be different. Kinda mixed stuff from the books. Also, STEVE is gonna behave like PETER K and JULES is gonna be like LARA JEAN. Ohh damn, this is gonna be chaos xD Credits to Jenny Han, ofcourse! xD

Oh and warnings? MY WRITING. THAT'S IT.

Julia sat in her room, reading The Martian. It was her favorite book as she was a huge science enthusiast. That was Julia, she loved living in her small world. Her world included her parents Daisy and Grant Johnson, her sisters Riley and Katherine Johnson, her best friend Natasha Stark. She was loved by them and was happy with them. Adding to the list was Hayden, Riley's boyfriend who also happened to be their neighbor for about five years. It was just another night. Her mom called her down for dinner. They had dinner and the sisters sat with Hayden in the living room, watching TV. Julia excused herself and came back to her room because she was getting bored of the TV running in the background while Riley and Hayden talked in shushed voices. Riley was her elder sister, the eldest of Johnson sisters while Katherine was the youngest. No one called her Katherine, those who are close to her, I mean. It was Kitty to them, because she's white and scrawny like a cat. She knew Riley was moving to Scotland for college, but Julia felt like she had already gone distant as she was spending too much time with Hayden. She didn't blame her tho, Riley knew it would be more painful for Hayden if she moves away.

Therefore, Julia decided to lie and come to her room, and continue reading her book. When she came up, she still felt a pang when an image of Riley and Hayden curled up in the couch flashed her mind. She felt this was wrong, Hayden was her sister's boyfriend. She thought her crush on him was long gone, when she wrote him a love letter, more like a goodbye letter to Hayden, just like she did to the other boys she had crushes on. The most important thing is, the letters are only for her eyes, she didn't mail them. She tore a paper from her notebook and wrote another letter, hoping it was the final letter she'll be writing to Hayden.

Julia's letters are her most secret possessions. There are five total: Viggo from camp; Steve from seventh grade; Jake from Homecoming; Grant from Model UN; and Hayden. She writes a letter when she has a crush so intense that she doesn't know what else to do. Rereading her letters reminds her of how powerful her emotions can be, how all-consuming.

She then put the letter into the hatbox under the envelope where she had earlier put Hayden's first letter and closed the box. That's it, her feelings are gone the moment she finishes her letter, or that's what she hoped. It has always worked though, don't even ask how.

Riley is flying to Scotland tomorrow, and that meant her last night with Hayden. Julia didn't mean to peek, but she saw Riley and Hayden on the lawn, standing close by each other. Hayden's eyes were teary, so was Riley's. That's when Julia understood they had broken up. She closed the curtains and went to Riley's room to sit down, and talk. Riley came in and told her the same. They hugged for a while and talked all night. "Never go to college with a boyfriend, Julia" she said wisely. She nodded as they slowly drifted to sleep.

The next morning, the family went to drop her off at the airport. Riley said her goodbyes to them and flew away to Scotland. She's gone away, just like that, Julia thought. She had a close bond with Riley, she was more like a mother to Julia than a sister. When they came back home, Kitty and Julia had a major fight in the living room about changing the TV channels and Kitty stormed upstairs. That night was the night before school night. After a few hours of watching TV, Julia went to the kitchen to wish good night to her parents and then off to sleep.

Today was the first day of school. Julia was entering ninth grade, freshman year. Classes went by as usual, it was mostly just introductions and orientations. She had run into Peggy though, right in the morning. "Oh, it's you." she sneered at Julia. Peggy aka Margaret Carter was Steve's girlfriend. They used to be best friends, but post-middle school, for reasons having to do with her popularity and Julia's lack thereof, they are now decidedly not. Much to Julia's relief, she didn't run into Peggy the whole day. She was wondering where her boyfriend Steve was though, but decided to not give it much thought. That was when she got to know from Tasha that Peggy had left Steve for a college guy.

The last class was Physical Education. Julia was running on the field with her friend Tasha when she noticed Steve running towards them. "Can I talk to you?" he looked at Julia and she looked back at Tasha and Steve. Tasha gave a nod as she jogged away, leaving them alone.

This was the same Steve, the second non-recipient of one of her love letters. Peggy's Steve, as everyone called. Seventh grade was Julia's first real boy/girl party. Everyone knew that Steve and Peggy, who at the time was still her BFF, only wanted to kiss each other. But they were wrong, because Steve kissed Julia the moment the bottle landed, pointing towards him even though Julia said she could spin it again.

Now here he was, with her letter in his hand. She was confused. These letters were never meant to be sent out. Then how did it end up in Steve's hands? she wondered. He said softly "Look, I wanted to say that I really... I appreciate it, but it's never gonna happen" Steve continued to ramble on. "From what I remember that kiss was hot, you know, for being in seventh grade, and I think it's really cool that you think I have golden specks in my eyes. It's just, Peggy and I are in a really weird place right now. I don't know what you hoped to accomplish. Whoa! Hey, Julia! Wake up, wake up"

Julia opened her eyes and looked up at Steve. She was on the ground, and her guess was right, she had fainted. At a distance, she saw Hayden approaching towards them with her letter in his hand. In a flash, she pulled Steve down and kissed him, making sure Hayden saw them. "Hey! Stop that! Two more laps for you, Johnson!" the coach yelled at her. She blinked back to reality and looked at Peter. "Thank you" was all she could whisper before running back to the lavatory. This was too much for her to handle.

In the lavatory, she ran into Jake holding her letter. "Thought you'd want it back" she smiled as he gave it to her. "This was a long time ago, I don't even remember writing this" Julia played it cool, secretly praying that Jake would buy that. He indeed bought it and kept his smile on. "You know I'm gay, right?" he looked at her gently and Julia nodded her head yes, even though she didn't know. "See you later, Julia" he chuckled lightly and left the lavatory.

Julia went straight home, after school. So much was happening today. She found her dad there, playing chess with Kitty and remembered that he was sending their old stuff to goodwill. "Dad, did you send a hatbox to goodwill?" she asked, trying not to tremble. "Maybe, sweetie, I don't remember exactly" he said, moving a rook. "This is all your fault, I hate all of you" she semi-yelled at the both of them and ran upstairs, leaving them both bewildered. Kitty, however, being the curious one, went upstairs with Julia.

Just then the doorbell rang and she heard Hayden's voice. "Julia, Hayden's here!" her father shouted from the living room. "You never saw me" she said to Kitty as she sneaked out of her window and ran to a diner nearby. This was the diner she regularly visited, so she didn't feel weird running into it. But Steve being there sure felt weird.

"Hey, Johnson" he gave his classic Steve Rogers smile at her. "So what you doing here?" she asked him to which he simply shrugged. "I'm just here to take down one of those chocolate shakes" he said and right on cue, his milkshake arrived. "Actually, I stopped at your house, your sister said you'd probably be here. Look, I just wanna be super clear. I'm flattered, I am, but...Peggy and I, like, just broke up so.." he trailed off. "Steve Rogers, I'm not trying to date you" Julia said and Steve's face was now scribbled with confusion.

She saw his confused reaction and continued to explain. "Okay, um... So here's the thing, I don't actually like you. I just had to make it look like I liked you so someone else wouldn't think I liked them."

"Okay, and who's that?" Steve wrinkled his nose, sipping on his milkshake. "Hayden Skywalker" (sidenote from the author: i'm laughing so hard at this name lmaoo xD)

"Wait, hold on, Skywalker? Doesn't that guy date your sister?" Steve shook his head slightly to the sides, like he was trying to process what she said.

"Yeah... Well, he dated my sister, in the past tense. And he also got a letter, so you can see how awkward and complicated – that one's gonna get if he thinks I like him."

" Whoa whoa whoa, hold on hold on hold on, stop stop stop. I'm not the only guy that got a letter? Wow, you really think you're special, then you find out she wrote love letters to two guys." he scoffed to himself, looking away from her.

"I wrote five actually, so don't go feeling too special" Julia shrugged at him.

"Damn Johnson, you're a player. Who else did you write letters to?"

Hesitantly, she said. "Jake Puttkammer"

"He's gay"

She gave him a sharp look and a knowing nod. "Yeah, everyone knows" she said, even though she just found out hours ago.

"Who else?"

"Someone I went to camp with and someone from Model UN"

He nodded and got up as he finished his drink. He gave her a ride home and when they reached Julia's home, they both sat in silence. Steve was the one to break the silence. "What are you gonna say to Hayden?"

"Guess I have to tell the truth" she sighed as she fiddled with the hem of her dress. "Hey, what if you didn't tell him?" his eyes lit up. "What?" Julia stopped fiddling and looked at him.

"What if we let people think we were actually together? Just for a little while. And not just Hayden. I mean everybody." She frowned at him, as if she's asking him why. "When Peggy heard you kissed me, she went nuts, and if she thinks you and I are a thing, she'll want to get back together. And you can cover up your crush for Hayden, works for the both of us. Look, you don't have to answer me right away, just think about it, okay?"

Julia nodded and got out of the car, just as Hayden was walking in the lawn. Steve and Hayden nodded at each other, like a greeting and Steve winked at Julia before he left. Julia waved at Hayden and got inside her house quickly.

Next day, after school, Julia went to the lacrosse field just as Steve finished his practice. "Hey Rogers, let's do this" she said in a triumphant tone. They sat underneath a tree, and looked at each other.

Julia started to talk, tearing a page from a notebook. "So, first things first, we need to have a contract so we're on the same page about the rules." "You got rules? Come on, you really know how to zap the fun out of a situation."

"Whatever, we need rules so we can know where we stand. For example, I don't want you to kiss me. You may be the James Dean of this stuff but I've never had a boyfriend before"

"What does that matter?"

"It matters because I don't want all my firsts to be fake. If I'm making out with someone, I'm gonna do it for real."

"But you kissed me first!"

"This is non-negotiable."

"Fine, but people are gonna get suspicious if I don't even touch you."

"Okay, you have a point. How about this? You can put your hand in my back pocket."

"It may be romantic, in the 70s" he said with a hint of sarcasm, and she ignored it.

They then made a couple of rules, where they should to watch each others' favorite movies, Julia should be present at every lacrosse games and parties, and that Steve would write her notes everyday. He also convinced her to come on the Adler High ski trip, which is infamous for students doing the nasty. Oh, and the most important rule, they were not to tell anyone about this fake relationship. So, with that, they completed their contract and closed the deal with a handshake.

A few days after pretending to be a couple, they both were pleased. Hayden didn't bother Julia with the letter, and Peggy was fuming. Tasha was shocked too, but happy for her and promised to kick Steve's ass if he tried anything funny. Hayden talked to Julia though and she brushed it off as an old crush, now that she was with Steve. Hayden warned her to be careful as he said that everyone knew Steve was a player and would find his way back to Peggy.

A few days later, Steve came to Julia's house to pick her up for a party. Just outside the house, Steve removed Julia's scrunchie from her hair and fluffed her hair.

Julia reached for her scrunchie. "Give that back."

"I'm keeping it. I like your hair down. You look pretty. I'll prove it to you. See?" Steve took a picture of her and showed it. She smiled a little. "Fine. But you can't lose it. That's my favorite scrunchie." "Deal. Give me your phone."

"Why?"

"Would you trust me? Alright, you need to make this your new background."

"What's your new background?"

"Girl, Come on. You know I already got it." he grinned as he showed her his wallpaper. He saved the picture he took right now as his wallpaper. "Leggo" he dragged her inside the party.

Peggy gave dagger eyes at them as they entered the party. "I'm going to get us some drinks" he kissed her cheek and went off. She went and sat on a couch, right next to Peggy and her set of friends. He came back with their drinks and took Julia to his lacrosse friends. They talked for a while, it was mostly Julia being awkward and talking with the other guys' partners and smiling at Steve. Steve seemed to take this fake dating thing seriously as well. He kissed her cheek a lot, held her hands and gave her reassuring looks. She felt the warmth but realised it was all fake, so she didn't think further.

On the way home, Steve told her about the fight with Peggy. "It's working Johnson" he said to which she returned a small smile and both of them didn't say anything till he pulled in front of a diner. They talked for a while, a not-pretend conversation, more like a real, heartfelt conversation. She knew about his life, favorite movies, about his friends and he got to know about her interest for science, about her sisters and her favorite food, which is the korean drink from the korean grocery store by the way. Suddenly, Steve asked "Be honest with me. Why haven't you ever had a boyfriend?" Julia hesitated but then started to speak. "Okay. Um... So love and dating? I love to read about it, and it's fun to write about and to think about in my head, but...when it's real..it's scary because the more people that you let into your life, the more that can just walk right out"

Steve looked at her and gaped. "You're right. My dad left us too." He paused. Everyone knew that Steve's father left them for another woman and had a family with her. Steve would never forgive his dad, to be honest those who knew the Rogers family wouldn't forgive him either. After a long pause, he asked. "I think it's funny, you say you're scared of commitment and relationships, but you don't seem to be afraid to be with me."

"That's because it's not real" Julia smiled a little, shrugging. "Yeah..right." Steve said in a dejected tone, unnoticed by her. They then ate the dinner in silence and he dropped her off. In the course of time, Kitty became attached with Steve and Julia got attached with his mom, his brother Owen, his friends and his lacrosse team. Even things with Hayden were smoothing out, they began to hangout after school by their lawns, reading books- just like the old times. At this time, Julia couldn't draw a line between fake and real, and her emotions were getting to her head. She knew Steve was pretty much interested in getting Peggy back. So she called Peter and decided to end the contract.

"Look, Steve...I don't think either one of us thought this was going to go on for this long, but Hayden and I are cool, Peggy's officially jealous, I think that we need to call it."

"I can't believe you're trying to break up with me before the ski trip!" he threw his hands up in air in exasperation.

"We agreed to go on it only if we're together, Steve" she sighed.

"Why are you doing this all of a sudden?"

How could Julia tell that she's having real feelings for the fake boyfriend? That she could feel a connection and feel comfortable in his presence? She doesn't tell the truth, so she tells a lie. "I'll come if Tasha comes"

Back in her home, Tasha and Julia were hanging out, just like everytime. "Jules, why the fuck is Stevie bugging me to come to the ski trip?" she asked. "That's because I said him I'll come only if you come" she giggled. "Please Nat, say no. I don't wanna go" she whined. "Oh I may hate school trips but I won't let you two stay away, especially with Peggy going on the trip, I'm coming to the trip, sweetie" she chuckled and Julia facepalmed mentally.

So, here they are, on the ski trip. Before boarding the bus, Julia saw Peggy talking to Steve and Steve showed no signs of searching for his pretend girlfriend. She sighed to herself and was relieved when Tasha came and put an arm around her shoulder. "Have fun with Stevie" she chuckled as they started boarding the bus. "I'm going to sit with you, Tasha" she said loudly as she wanted Steve to hear too. She sat alongside her best friend and ignored the puppy eyes that Steve was giving her.

They arrived at the lodge and almost everyone changed into their skiing gear and took off to the slopes. Steve was nowhere to be found. Julia shook her head to stop thinking further and sat by the fireplace, reading her books with Jake. After a while, when everyone started returning back, she looked at Steve who seemed to ignore her now. She bit her lip to stop showing any emotion when Jake said "Rogers is waiting for you, at the hot tub"

Julia looked at him with glistening eyes. Was this real? Heck, she was going to go to him. She's no longer going to live her live in her head, she was going to risk it. "Thanks Jake" she muttered as she went to the hot tub to the sight of Steve sitting alone, splashing the water slightly with his fingers.

"All by yourself out here?" she asked him but he looked away from her. "So what, now you're ignoring me?" she added.

"Oh, I'm the one ignoring you? That's funny." "Sorry I'm not a good skier, you didn't offer to teach me." "I'm supposed to be sweet to you after you don't sit with me on the bus ride up here?"

"Shouldn't you be thanking me, that you got to sit next to who you actually wanted?" she said, in a not-so-sweet tone. "For someone who has such good grades, you can be so dense sometimes." he sighed, splashing at water randomly. "What?" "Yeah. I wanted to sit next to you, Julia. I even packed the snacks. I asked Kitty where to find those yogurt drinks you like so much." "The Korean grocery store is all the way across town." she blinked. "I know. So if I went all the way across town to get you something you like,then that means.." he looked at her expectantly. "You must really like yogurt?" she chuckled. She didn't want to get her hopes up. Does he really like her? She smiled to herself at the thought. Steven Rogers is not known to be this kind of guy around any woman, not even Peggy. That was when she realised that he liked her back too.

"You're impossible" he bit his lower lip to keep him from laughing.

To his surprise and hers, she got in the hot tub in her nightgown and got to him. The next moment, their lips were connected, and Steve delivered soft kisses, tracing his fingers through her scalp, massaging her head. They withdrew and Julia hesitantly said "Do it again, put your hand on my scalp". And so he did it again, but this time, he held her softly against him with his other hand, kissing her gently as the other hand went to her head.

They got out of the tub, holding hands. "Good night, Julia Johnson" he grinned sheepishly, to which she waved him bye.

The next morning, when she boarded the bus back to their school, everyone clapped as she entered. Confused, she went and sat with Steve and his friends and that's when Tasha whispered to her. "I know you didn't but people are saying that you and Rogers did the nasty in the hot tub" Julia was heartbroken. "Did he encourage the rumor?" she asked Nat. "No, but he didn't deny it either" she pat her best friend. She sat in silence for the rest of the trip back to their town and Steve couldn't see it because he was sleeping on her shoulder. She slept too, to avoid the judgemental looks thrown at her.

"Hey, Julia. I think it's so cool that you came out on the ski trip. Hope you had fun." Peggy came near her, and sneered.

"Oh, I just mean... a lot of girls would be pretty weirded out by their boyfriend sleeping in someone else's room, but you're so trusting... I remember that about you from middle school. God. Doesn't your hair always get so greasy spending three hours on the bus?" she continued talking, taking out a scrunchie to tie her hair. This was Julia's favorite scrunchie which she gave to Steve the other day at the party. "Where did you get that?" Julia asked, her heart sinking. "Oh, Steve gave this to me. Isn't it cute? I love the colors in it. Well, have a nice day." she sashayed away from Julia, leaving her to stand there, having caused a rift in her mind. Steve came up behind her just after Peggy left. "Hi. Ready to go?" he kissed her cheek but Julia moved away a bit. Steve frowned at this.

"Did you go to Peggy's room last night?" she asked, her eyes glossy with tears. "Uh, yeah, but..." "And you gave her my favorite scrunchie? Am I just a joke to you, Steven?" she asked, now letting the tears roll down.

"No, sweetheart you don't understand the situation. Why don't we talk it out, I'll drive you home" he said, his voice desperate.

"You know what, I'd rather go home by myself. And last night was a mistake" she sniffed. "This is over, in every possible way" she let out a sob as she walked away from him. Steve tried running after her, but was waved away by Julia. His heart shattered into a million pieces as she saw her in tears. This was all a misunderstanding, he needed to talk to her desperately. He hung his head and walked back to his car.

It was christmas right after the ski trip so Riley had come home from Scotland. They were having a dinner party with a few neighbors over, and Julia was trying so hard to keep her mind away from Steve and the whole thing. The party was going smooth, everyone were chatting up but then she saw Peter come into the lawn. Julia pulled him aside and looked at him.

"Hey. We need to talk." Steve looked at her, his eyes tired as if he hasn't slept all night. "Not here." "Just so you know, nothing happened between me and Peggy last night." "What happened was that you went to her room in the first place." "Look, Peggy and I dated for a long time. Those feelings aren't just going to go away, we have history." "I'm tired of being second best or fake best. - I don't know." she sighed, tears brimming to her eyes. She couldn't speak anymore as she felt her throat closing up.

"Okay. Look, I..." he shook his head, trying to not look at her crying face. He felt terrible as tears just rolled down her cheeks. "Steve, just leave." she said in a heavy voice. "Can we go inside and talk?" he pleaded. Just then, Hayden approached them closer. "She asked you to leave, buddy." "Hayden, I'm fine. Go back inside." Julia sighed at him. "No, it's alright." Hayden stood by them. "No, no. Are you serious now? This isn't about Peggy and me, it's about you and Hayden! Are you kidding me? This is the reason you broke up with me? You're still in love with this Bon Iver wannabe?" he practically yelled in annoyance. Does she like Hayden? No, it cannot be. Steve just started to realise how Julia was perfect for her, a few weeks and he cannot lose such a girl after finally making a move. "If Lara Jean broke up with you, it's because she's coming to the life-altering revelation - she's too good for you." Hayden glared at Steve.

"You're in love with Hayden?" Riley asked and that's when they realised she came close to them after hearing the commotion.

"No, Riley, I'm not, please.." Julia looked at her sister who now ran inside the home. "Steve, please go home" she looked at him.

"You were never second best" Steve said sadly as he left.

Next day was even worse. Julia and Steve's rumor was now a video- looks like someone took a video of them kissing and spread the rumor. Riley refused to talk to Julia, but she couldn't take it. She finally went to Riley, who was in her room with Kitty and explained the whole thing, including what happened in the ski trip.

"I would never do that to you Riley" Julia hugged her sisters and they embraced each other for a while. "I know, I just got..I don't know" Riley sighed. "I forgive you, and not because the video got released. I truly forgive you because you're my sister. Let's make a pact, no more secrets between the Johnson girls" she looked at them and they nodded. Kitty was a little nervous though. "I sent out the letters, Julia" she said, her lips trembling. "We had a fight before the school day, remember? I did it for revenge, I swear I didn't know this would be a huge problem"

Julia looked at her little sister and the sincere apology. She forgave her, they are sisters after all. The Johnson sisters always have each others backs, no matter what. On that note, Riley reported the video and promised to get it removed. Christmas ended on a happy note to Julia with her sisters, but she still had Steve in her mind. His apology and the sincerity in his words were replaying in her head. Looks like Riley caught this too, because she said that Julia should talk to him and amend things between them. Julia smiled and hugged her sister, thanking her for everything and got back to her room. The same evening, Hayden came to their home and made sure that things are cool between him and Julia and also Riley. "You gotta tell people how you feel, Julia. And not write a letter to yourself and keep it to you" he smiled at them and left after a huge hug from the Johnson sisters, and just like that, Hayden and Julia went back to their old form. They were friends before after all, and now they are again.

She ran upstairs to her room and began writing another letter for Steve, but this time, it was a love letter rather than a goodbye letter. She smiled as she placed the letter inside the pocket of her jacket. She decided to go over to his house and give him the letter and tell him directly about how she feels for him.

Next day, she woke up to the message from Tasha that Steve threatened everyone about the rumor and told them to back off from their personal life. This brought a smile to Julia's face as she got ready fast to drive to Steve's home with her letter. It was snowing and their neighborhood looked scenic. She practically ran to his house and took the letter from the jacket into her hand. Here he was, roaming in his lawn with Owen.

"Hey." he looked at her. "Hi. I have to tell you something." "Okay." "I ran here." she mentally scolded herself, but okay. "Really? Wow, that's... that's... that's great, congrats." he shrugged, looking at her as his eyes spotted the letter. "Thanks." she said, mentally scolding herself again. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's in your hand?" he smirked at the letter. "Oh, uh, nothing." she felt her cheeks flush, as she was trying to hide the letter. "Oh, it's nothing? If you want me to read that, you need to give that to me." he looked at her with a smug smile plastered across his face.

"Um... Can you turn around? I need to read it to you" she said and he did. "Dear Steve, I need you to know that..." I need you to know that I like you, Steven Rogers. And not in a fake way. And so I guess that's all I came here to say." "Whoa, whoa, whoa... Don't I get to say something? The reason that I went to Peggy's room that night, was to tell her that it's over, because... because I'm in love with you, Julia. Only you." he smiled, moving closer to her.

"You're what? - Wait... How do we do this?" she said, butterflies fluttering in her stomach. "What do you mean?" he took her chin in his hand.

"What do you put into a contract for a real relationship?" "Nothing. You gotta trust. You gonna break my heart, Johnson?" he smiled, taking his lips to hers, crashing in for a kiss. It was a warm kiss in midst of a snow and she almost felt like she was in a fairytale.

"Yeah" she whispered as he held her closer to kiss her again. ALSO THERE IS NO JOHN AMBROSE/GRANT SO NO LOVE TRIANGLE. STEVE AND JULIA LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER. THE FUCKING END.

[anistarrose]

To See The Unseen - Ch. 5 (Gravity Falls)

Summary: Stan has a lot of explaining to do.

Warnings: none

AO3: archiveofourown.org/works/20884673/chapters/49642817

Finally, we’ve reached the (extremely long) epilogue!

***

Mabel barged into Stan’s hospital room, Dipper and Wendy hot on her heels, and threw her arms around his shoulders.

“You’re awake! We got so worried once you and Bill disappeared in the mansion—”

“How did you do it, Grunkle Stan?” Dipper asked, joining in on the hug. “Once you flew away from the lantern, we couldn’t see anything that happened —”

“Hey, let’s take it one thing at a time, okay? And loosen your grip, will you? I can’t answer your questions when you’re squeezing the air out of my lungs.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Dipper withdrew from the hug, and a moment later, Mabel did so as well.

Stan laughed, pulling down the brim of Dipper’s hat to cover his eyes. “I’m just messing with you, kid — I’m not that old and frail yet. But first things first, what happened to Old Man Northwest? He’s not still out trying to kill you, is he?”

“No, he’s not,” Pacifica spoke up. She stood awkwardly by the door, averting her eyes towards the floor as she pulled the mirror out of her pocket. “About a minute after we lost track of you, the mirror lit up blue, and now… well, you probably get why I don’t want to open it up any more times than I have to, but the portrait shows his face now. I checked, back in the mansion.”

“Yeah, I figured he got trapped again,” Stan muttered. “Serves that jerk right.”

“You guys probably know how to get rid of something like this better than I would. I guess you should take it.” Pacifica gingerly handed the mirror over to Dipper, then turned to leave, but she paused as she opened the door.

“Um, Mr. Pines? I saw you unconscious in the woods — and I guess you must’ve seen me too, now that I think about it — but I didn’t do anything to help you, and I’m… I’m so sorry about that. I should’ve realized you were in trouble and told someone, instead of just taking the mirror back and running off —”

“It’s water under the bridge, kid,” Stan assured her. “And even if I wasn’t so forgiving, I’ve made a lot more dumb decisions than you have in the past twenty-four hours, so I’d be a hypocrite to judge you for it. Just don’t let me ever catch you bribing partygoers at the Mystery Shack ever again, and we’re even. Bribery is my job, you see?”

Pacifica finally made eye contact with him, expression completely deadpan. “You really should stick to bribery instead of cursed artifacts. It sounds a lot lower-risk.”

Stan laughed. “You know what? I think I like you after all, kid.”

Pacifica smiled. “Well, uh… I’ll see you guys around, I guess?”

“We should go mini-golfing sometime!” Mabel suggested. “I’ve been meaning to do that all summer, and now we have an extra friend to go with!”

“Well, right now I should really be figuring out how to explain the, uh, destroyed ballroom situation to my parents, but… yeah, I’d like to do that someday. I mean, I know I’ll win, but something tells me you’d be a worthy opponent.”

Stan pointed two finger guns at her. “If you need a forged note from an authority figure to throw your parents off the trail, then you know who to call.”

Pacifica tried and failed to stifle a laugh as she left the room, and nearly bumped into a nurse who was pushing a cart through the hallway.

“You didn’t make any deals with Bill, did you?” Dipper asked Stan in a hushed voice once Pacifica and all medical personnel were out of earshot.

“What kind of idiot do you take me for? Of course I didn’t cut a deal with the evil triangle! He might not turn on me at the first opportunity, or the second, or even the third, but sooner or later he’d find a way to stab me in the back, and then where would I be? Not around to protect you guys from people like him, that’s for sure.”

“Then how did you get back in your body?”

Stan sighed. Shit, how do I explain this without saying anything incriminating…

He settled on a vague, simplified version of the truth. “Look, I’m a con artist, right? That’s no secret — but the thing is, Bill’s a con artist too, and I could tell that from the first time I heard him speak. I’ve spent a lot of time dealing with guys like him, and I can read his type like the back of my hand — I knew that he still wanted something from me that I could only do if I was alive, so… I told him I was fine getting trapped in the mirror, and he didn’t have the guts to call my bluff.”

“Holy shit,” Wendy blurted out. “Stan, did you outplay a literal trickster god?”

Stan shrugged. “Well, when you put it like that, it sounds a lot more impressive than it really was…”

“I’m not saying that getting back in your body was a bad idea,” Dipper spoke up slowly, “because I don’t know what we’d do without you, Grunkle Stan, but… aren’t you still worried about playing into Bill’s hands? Do you even know what he needs from you? What if you end up helping him without even realizing it?”

“No,” Stan lied. “I never figured out what he wanted me to do.”

It was far from the most brazen lie he’d ever told the kids, but with their worried eyes boring into him and their dusty, recently-bruised hands clinging to his hospital gown like they were still afraid of losing him, it stung more than it should have.

Pull yourself together, Stanley, he thought to himself. If they learned that you’re still planning to do exactly what Bill wants, there’s no way they’d just sit back and let you get away with it…

Or would they? If they knew why you need to turn the portal on again?

Dipper opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted as the doctor entered the hospital room — and so the topic of Bill was forgotten, for a time.

***

It took a few tests and a lot of lying by omission to medical professionals, but Stan was cleared to leave the hospital early that evening. Soos drove the whole gang back to the Mystery Shack, taking a quick detour to pick up pizza for dinner, and they devoured almost all of it in the truck before even getting home.

Dipper lay down on Stan’s chair with Journal 3, rereading its lone legible entry on Bill Cipher, while Mabel sat at his feet, clacking her knitting needles together in a comfortingly familiar rhythm as she started a new sweater.

“What are you going to do with that mirror?” she asked. “Throw it in the Bottomless Pit?”

“I was thinking about burying it really deep… maybe even in one of the bunker’s tunnels, for good measure. I guess we’d have to explain to Stan how we know about the bunker, but —”

“Ahem!” Stan coughed into his fist as he entered the room, and Dipper jumped.

“Oh! I didn’t see you there! Uh, Mabel and I were just saying —”

“I’ve already heard about the bunker, kid,” Stan told him, setting down an old, dusty briefcase that Dipper didn’t recognize. “I don’t have the full story, but I don’t think I want it, ‘cause I’ve already been through a lot today and if you tell me how close you came to dying in there I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight.”

Dipper grimaced. “Are you… mad?”

Stan looked away. “We need… we need to talk about that journal, Dipper. When I was all disembodied and invisible, I overheard you say that you were looking for the other volumes…”

“I know the Journals are dangerous, you don’t have to tell me again!” Dipper blurted out. “But you said I could use it for self-defense, and — and — and I was just desperate for a way to help you! I didn’t know what happened to you and I didn’t know any other place to find the answer besides the other books! Please don’t confiscate it, I promise I’ll never —”

Stan held up a hand. “Whoa, slow down. I’m not going to confiscate it. I just… I need you to promise you can keep a secret for me.” He looked around the room, from Dipper and Mabel to Wendy to Soos. “I need all of you to promise me that you won’t repeat this to anyone — not to your families, not to your friends, and definitely not to the cops.”

Dipper and Mabel exchanged a worried glance, but when they turned back to Stan, they nodded solemnly. Wendy zipped her lips, and Soos put his hand over his heart.

“Okay, now that that’s settled…” Stan took a deep breath, and then turned around and kneeled in front of his briefcase as he unlocked it and pulled out the contents. “Dipper, I figured you might want to take a look at these.”

He stood up, Journal 1 in his left hand and Journal 2 in his right, and Dipper’s jaw dropped.

“YOU had them all along?!”

“Shhh, not so loud!” Stan dropped Journal 1 in Dipper’s lap and pressed a finger to his lips. “Do you want the whole town to overhear?!”

Dipper picked up the book gingerly, the way one might handle a fragile relic or a ticking time bomb.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked in a quieter voice.

“For the same reasons I’ve lied to you about a lot of things, kid,” Stan admitted softly. “Most of all, because these books are dangerous, and I couldn’t bear the thought of you getting hurt because of some dumb idea they put in your head… like, I dunno, maybe getting turned into a ghost and almost having to make a deal with a demon all because you read about a cursed mirror and tried to use it to scry for the author of the journals.”

Everyone just stared at Stan, at a loss for words.

“And no, that wasn’t a hypothetical,” Stan added.

“That’s how you got stuck in a coma?” Wendy gasped.

“You’re looking for the Author too?” Dipper blurted out.

“I’m sorry, Dipper. For lying, for being too hard on you, for being a hypocrite about not looking for trouble with the journals. But you kids…”

Stan broke eye contact, staring down towards the ground. “You kids would get along with the Author. You’re both so much like him, in your own weird ways — and I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I let what happened to him happen to you.”

Journal 1 slowly slid out of Dipper’s lap, toppling onto the floor.

“You knew him?” Dipper asked quietly.

Stan picked up the journal, staring down his face reflected on the cover. “Ford was my twin brother. Your other great-uncle.”

Mabel and Dipper both started to say something at once, but Stan cut them off. “I’m guessing you never knew about him, ‘cause the family doesn’t talk about it a whole lot. It’s… it’s complicated, but there is a good reason for that. It’s just too hard to explain right now.”

“I had no idea,” Mabel whispered. “I thought we were the only twins…”

“Oh my god, Stan, I’m so sorry.” Dipper buried his head in his hands. “This whole summer I’ve been running around looking for mysteries and monsters and doing the same things the Author used to do — but this whole time, that was how you lost your brother! I made you watch that all over again —”

“He’s not lost for good,” Stan corrected him. “I found him with the mirror — I know he’s still alive — and I’m going to get him back here, safe and sound.”

The stares and the stunned silence returned for a few long seconds, before Soos finally spoke up:

“If you found him, then… where is he that you couldn’t see without the mirror?”

“That’s a good question.” Stan motioned towards the gift shop. “I need to show you one last thing, and then this will all make a lot more sense, okay?”

After closing the windows and double-checking to make sure the door was locked, Stan punched in the code, and Dipper smacked his head as he watched the vending machine swing open to reveal the secret passage.

“You were hiding this in plain sight all along…”

“This is just the tip of the iceberg of secret rooms, kid,” Stan warned him as he led the way down the stairs. “It only gets crazier, so trust me when I tell you I didn’t design any of this except the vending machine.”

The elevator shuddered more than usual as it began to move, and Stan had a brief moment of panic when he realized he’d never ridden in it with four other people all at once — but little more than a single anxiety-ridden minute later, it reached the basement safely.

“Don’t touch anything except the floor, and definitely don’t open any doors,” Stan ordered as the doors opened and they stepped into the lab. “That means you, Dipper. I still don’t know what a couple of the control panels do, and we don’t need to find out now.”

“This is incredible!” Dipper exclaimed, turning from the fuel tanks to the periscope to Stan’s desk and the main control panel. “Did your brother build this whole thing himself?”

“I think he had some help, but I was never really sure on the details,” Stan fibbed. He was pretty sure Bill had designed the bulk of the portal, if not the entire room’s setup, but it wasn’t his place to reveal Ford’s secrets like that.

“What’s that machine behind the doors?” Soos asked. “Why’s it blocked off like that? Is it dangerous?”

“It’s an interdimensional portal,” Stan explained. “A hole punched straight through spacetime itself —”

He shivered. Damn, that’s almost verbatim what Ford told me all those years ago, isn’t it?

“You’re kidding!” Dipper practically pressed his face right up against the window, staring at the portal as its lights flickered on and off. “I can’t believe this was right under our feet the whole summer! Where does it lead?”

“I don’t know what’s on the other end,” Stan admitted. “I just know that’s where Ford is. And in another week or two, it’ll be fully calibrated, and I’ll finally be able to get him back.”

“He fell through?” Wendy asked, and Stan nodded.

“But… the Author’s been missing for decades,” Dipper said. “Your brother’s been alone in an alien world all this time?”

Stan nodded again. “It’s been just over thirty years. That’s why I dug up the mirror, because the second journal said it could be used for scrying, and I… I needed to see for myself that Ford was okay. Even though his journal also said the mirror was ridiculously dangerous, I — I just couldn’t wait any longer.”

“Grunkle Stan, that was the dumbest thing you’ve ever done, and I’ve watched you get arrested for trying to shoplift an entire freezer full of toaster waffles from the grocery store,” Mabel told him. “But I would’ve done the same if you or Dipper was stuck in another dimension. I think all of us would.”

“Thank you, pumpkin.” Stan put a hand on Mabel’s shoulder. “Let’s just hope you never have to.”

***

Ford staggered onto a solid surface, squinting through his goggles as blinding bolts of electricity flew past him. His ears rang and his head ached from the grenade he’d used to launch himself through the portal, but he managed to stay standing upright as the light faded away and he found himself in a familiar basement.

I was so damn close! I could’ve saved the entire multiverse, but Stanley had to go and reopen the portal now of all times —

“Grunkle Stan, is that him?” A youthful voice jarred Ford out of his thoughts, and as two short figures rushed towards him, he pulled off his goggles to get a better look.

“It really is him!” a boy with a pine tree cap exclaimed. Much to Ford’s shock, he pulled one of Ford’s own journals out of his vest, and held it up for Ford to see like it somehow would explain everything about this utterly bizarre situation. “I’ve been waiting to meet you all summer! I can’t believe you’re finally here!”

“We’ve heard so much about you!” a girl in a sweater added, knocking the air out of Ford’s lungs with a surprisingly tight hug. “Grunkle Stan told us you like science so I knitted you a sweater with the periodic table on it! It’s upstairs right now but I can go get it if you want!”

The boy shot rapid-fire questions at Ford, clicking a pen anxiously like he was ready to take notes. “What was the other side of the portal like? Does time pass at the same rate in that dimension as it does over here? Did you ever meet any aliens?”

“I, um… of course I’d be happy to talk about aliens and try on sweaters later, but could we slow down for a minute?” Ford stammered. “First of all, who exactly are you two, and —”

“Yeah, give him some time to get adjusted, okay kids?”

Ford tensed as he heard the voice, fighting the simultaneous impulses to laugh, cry, and curse.

There was Stan, standing not ten feet away from him and wearing a suit, tie, and slightly squashed fez. His hair had gone gray even grayer than Ford’s had, and behind his glasses, his eyes looked wet.

As began to address Ford, rather than the kids, his voice grew more hesitant, and he started to stumble over his words. “It’s so good to — to see you again, Ford. I — I can’t believe you’re finally back with us…”

Ford, for his part, struggled to form a coherent sentence even more than Stan did and simply neglected to say anything, causing an awkward pause as he and Stan stared each other down.

“Well, what are you two waiting for?” the girl spoke up after a moment. “Go hug your twins already! Like this —”

She delivered another tackle-hug, this time to her brother.

“Oof! Mabel, I’m sure they know how hugging works —”

Stan slowly put an arm over Ford’s shoulder, and noticed Ford flinch.

“You’re not hurt, are you?” Stan asked him, in a hushed but anxious whisper. “You’ve been really quiet —”

“I’m fine.” Change the subject, change the subject, change the damn subject already Stanford — “Are these… your grandkids?”

Stan managed a laugh. “Mabel and Dipper? Nah, they’re Shermie’s. You’ll get along great with them once they stop fawning over you like excited puppies, don’t worry.”

He gestured towards the basement’s other two occupants, a red-haired teenager in a lumberjack hat and a young man in a question-mark T-shirt. “And these are my employees, Soos and Wendy.”

Wendy finger-gunned at him. “What’s up, Stan Two?”

Soos waved enthusiastically. “Nice to meet you, Dr. Pines!”

Ford sighed. “Stanley, how many people have you told about this portal?”

“Just this group,” Stan assured him quickly. “The FBI might’ve also known, as of earlier this morning, but Dipper did some weird scifi stuff and wiped their memories, so, uh, just don’t worry about —”

“He WHAT?”

Dipper sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. “It was in self-defense! Arguably…”

Ford shook his head. “You know what, we’ll unpack the implications of that later. For now, I need a few hours alone with the portal to assess the damage.” And maybe to have a brief existential crisis in the privacy of my basement. “You should all head upstairs.”

“And then you’ll be ready to try on your new sweater and tell us where you’ve been all this time?” Mabel asked.

“What? Oh, uh… yes, of course. I’ll see you… what time is it, late afternoon? I’ll see you this evening, then. Now, hurry along!”

“Okay, Great-Uncle Ford,” Dipper replied without much enthusiasm. “See you soon, then…”

Stan lagged behind as the others as they filed into the elevator.

“Please don’t disappoint the kids,” he whispered as he passed Ford. “They’ve been so excited to finally meet you…”

“You haven’t told them about the argument, have you,” Ford said. It wasn’t a question as much as it was an accusation.

Stan looked like he was about to say something, but then decided against it, opting just to nod before stepping through the elevator doors.

***

Ford was presented with so much new information over the next few hours, some of it horrifying and some of it pleasantly surprising, that he was tempted to take one of his old journals and start keeping a list. He opted against it, because such a list would wind up full of things he wouldn’t want any nosey relatives like Dipper reading, but if he had jotted those revelations down, they might’ve looked something like this:

1. Stanley must’ve single-handedly caused a duct tape shortage throughout all of Oregon, considering how much he used to hold the portal together.

2. Stan has a photo of his great-niblings on his my desk, along with a variety of textbooks like “Quantum Physics For Dummies.” He also apparently kept my custom-made gloves, even though they obviously don’t fit him. Was he really too cheap to purchase his own pair?

3. As I feared, the portal has produced a rift, which I secured as fast as I could. It’s currently stable and locked away, but I worry that the containment unit’s structural integrity will be compromised by continued exposure. Must find a way to seal it more permanently — journey to CSO?

4. Mabel based the measurements for her sweater on Stan, so it was naturally made to accommodate a larger gut than the one I have, but it’s still very comfy. The turtleneck is just high enough to hide embarrassing tattoos. She’s currently knitting a smaller, matching “nerd sweater” for Dipper.

5. While I was in the basement, Stan made “Stan-Cakes” for dinner. Concerningly, he joked about there being hair in them, but they’re actually not that bad — at least, compared to the meager meals I often had to live on while wandering the multiverse.

6. Stan also gave me a giant bag of jellybeans that he’d bought, which is a genuinely nice gesture. Maybe I

7. STAN HAS STOLEN MY IDENTITY AND TURNED MY RESEARCH LAB INTO A MOCKERY OF EVERYTHING IT ONCE STOOD FOR

8. I tried not to act too angry over it, for the kids’ sake. They’re strangely invested in Stan and I having a good relationship full of hugs and only the most good-natured of sibling insults. Why couldn’t Stan have just told them the truth and made this simpler for all of us?

9. Dipper knows how to play DD&MD! Apparently Stan told him a week or so ago that I enjoy “nerd games,” and he went and prepared a whole campaign! I need to focus on better securing the rift, but I’m sure I’ll be able to set aside a few hours to play over the next few days.

10. Dipper has apparently idolized me ever since reading my journals, before Stan even told him an abbreviated version of the truth and he learned I was family. He wouldn’t be so enthusiastic to play tabletop games with me if only he knew why I made the portal

11. Mabel asked if there are any pictures of Stan and me as kids. Stan replied, very quietly, that he’d found several such photo albums in my study. I immediately excused myself from the table and headed to my room.

12. My old room is Stanley’s room now. Of course it is.

I can’t handle this any longer! The kids should be going to bed soon, and the second they’re out of earshot, I’m going to confront Stanley about all of this. There are things that NEED to be to be said, sooner or later.

***

“Just spit it out, Ford.”

“Spit what out?”

“You’ve been standing there, clearly about to say something but then not saying it, for at least a whole minute.” Stan sat down in one of the kitchen chairs, rolling the rag he’d been wiping the table with into a ball and hurling it into the sink.

“Just let me have it already!” he went on. “I’m not an idiot, and I can tell you’re clearly still mad at me and only getting madder the more you hear about the past thirty years, so just say it! Tell me all about how you’ll never forgive me, much less thank me for saving your life!”

“You didn’t save anyone.” Ford spoke without knowing where the words were coming from, without knowing whether they felt too harsh, or not harsh enough. “Before you dragged me back into this dimension, I was poised to destroy one of the most brutal dictators in the multiverse — a being with a personal vendetta against me, and his sights set on tearing apart our dimension as a whole! But you ignored all my warnings and reactivated the portal, creating a rift that could’ve easily allowed him into our world, had I gone a few more minutes without noticing it! It still might allow him into our world, if the containment unit breaks!”

Stan didn’t make eye contact. “Well, pardon me for not being up to date on the news about alien dictators…”

Ford ignored him. “For all you knew, I could’ve died decades ago! You would’ve put our whole dimension in jeopardy for nothing, and then where would —”

“No,” Stan interrupted. “I knew you weren’t dead.”

“Stanley, if you try and justify nearly tearing apart spacetime with some scientifically unsound bullshit about a magical ‘twin connection,’ I swear —”

“No, it’s not that.” Stan finally met Ford’s eyes, a nervous look on his face. “You’re probably not gonna be thrilled to hear this, but… look, I made a really dumb mistake, but I fixed it, so just don’t freak out, okay?”

“Stanley, what did you do?!”

“Okay, so first and foremost, I didn’t make any deals with demons, I swear. And I know that sounds like a real suspicious thing to deny, but it’s gonna be relevant in a second and I wanted to get it out of the way.”

Ford collapsed into the chair across the table from Stan, burying his head in his hands. “I can already tell I’m going to hate everything about this story, but it can’t possibly be worse than not knowing why you had to start with that kind of disclaimer, so… go on. Get it over with.”

“In your second journal,” Stan began, “you wrote about a mirror…”

He explained the whole story to Ford, from getting trapped in the mindscape to traveling through the multiverse to defending the kids from Nathaniel Northwest.

“Dipper and Mabel buried the mirror somewhere in the woods,” Stan finally concluded. “Unlike you, they didn’t write down where. We all figured it was probably for the best this way.”

“I can’t believe this,” Ford finally managed after a long period of silence. “You outplayed Bill Cipher. The chessmaster himself.”

Stan shrugged. “Eh, chessmaster’s kinda generous. I get the feeling he doesn’t spend a lot of time dealing with other con artist types. The second he ran into some other asshole who made a living by just lying and cheating and riding on other people’s coattails, all his plans started falling apart.”

Lying and cheating and riding on other people’s coattails… where have I heard that before? It was unlike Stan — or at least, unlike the Stan that Ford remembered — to admit something like that so openly, even if it it was partly true. And Stan had spoken those words with such loathing in his voice — a loathing that might’ve been partly directed at Bill, but didn’t exactly exonerate himself, either.

But Stan is only superficially similar to Bill, when it comes down to it, Ford realized. Bill can and will lie about everything, but Stan, for all his faults, is perfectly honest when he tells us and shows us how much he cares about us…

“I got the impression, between your journals and some stuff Bill said, that you two… kinda knew each other,” Stan said quietly. “And I wanted to… say I was sorry.”

“What for?” It was a ridiculous reply, because any other day Ford would’ve had no trouble thinking of things he’d like Stan to apologize for — but right now, lost in thought about liars and demons and differences between the two that really should’ve occurred to him sooner, Stan saying he was sorry couldn’t have been further from Ford’s mind.

“For not taking you seriously back in ‘82 when you were acting like people were after you! I thought you’d gone off the deep end, but if I’d known you were dealing with an actual, literal demon…”

“You would’ve taken the journal and left?”

“Fuck no! I would’ve stuck around and punched the shit out of the triangular bastard who put you in that state!”

“Then you would’ve known what I needed better than I did, at that point,” Ford blurted out, surprising even himself. “I should’ve just told you the truth.”

Stan stared at him. “You really mean that?”

“Well, my initial thought was that Bill would’ve been impossible to punch — but you’ve clearly proven you can accomplish that I considered impossible with regards to Bill, rendering that thought null and void, so… yes.” At some point in the conversation, Ford’s voice had involuntarily dropped to a low whisper. “I suppose I do mean that.”

Stan stared at the table in silence for approximately forty-five seconds before replying: “Ford, can we… talk? I don’t want to keep you up all night, but… I’ve got a lot of stuff I need to say, except I hardly know how to phrase any of it, and I just —”

“No, don’t worry about keeping me up. I — I have some thoughts of my own that I should probably… try and articulate.” Ford paused. “You have plenty of coffee in the house, right? For when I inevitably feel exhausted tomorrow despite having work to do?”

“Don’t worry, I got plenty.” Stan chuckled, but it died out quickly. “Ford, I… I know I haven’t exactly acted in a way that’ll make you actually believe this, but I’m so sorry about the science fair. It really was an accident, I swear it was, but — but I should’ve just told you as soon as it happened, instead of making it about that dumb boat —”

“Don’t call the boat dumb,” Ford snapped. “I was the dumb one. I was angry, and I kept being angry for a long time, but I never, ever wanted you to get kicked out — I shouldn’t have made a scene out of yelling at you right where Dad could hear! I knew exactly what he was like about money, I should’ve known what he’d do if he thought you —”

He had to pause to take a breath. Everything he’d said was accurate, despite his attempts to convince himself otherwise for the past forty-odd years, and abandoning that attempt at suppression felt like blowing a hole open in a dam and unleashing a flood that couldn’t be held back.

“That thing you said a few minutes ago, about being nothing but a liar and a cheater — that was something Dad told you when he kicked you out, wasn’t it? Because it’s not true, and it never has been. I need you to know that.”

“What? I — look, I don’t remember what Dad said, but if he did say it, then he was right for once. I could barely make a nickel of profit before I stole your name and your house, and turned your whole life into my biggest scam of all.” His voice cracked. “I appreciate what you’re saying, I really do, but —”

“Are you kidding? You restarted a work of alien engineering for which half the instructions were in code! And without a high school diploma, no less!”

“But you said it yourself, I did almost destroy the universe —”

“Damn it, Stan!” Ford slammed his fists on the table and Stan flinched, causing Ford to shake his head and sigh.

“I’m sorry. I — I just — I was under the impression that you wanted me back in your life. And I want you back in mine, so… will you just let me apologize without insisting that I should hate you for some reason?”

Stan sprung out of his seat, and for a moment Ford thought he was about to storm out of the room, but instead he pulled Ford out of his own seat and trapped him in a hug, burying his face in Ford’s shoulder.

And after his initial shock wore off, Ford hugged him back.

“I really missed you, Sixer,” Stan whispered.

“I missed you too, knucklehead.” Ford wriggled one arm out of Stan’s embrace to take off his glasses and wipe a tear away from his eye. “I wish I’d realized it earlier.”

Something went bump just outside the door to the kitchen, and Stan and Ford both whirled around.

“Kids, how long have you been listening?!” Stan gasped.

The younger twins stepped out from their hiding places — Dipper somewhat sheepishly, and Mabel without shame.

“Sorry,” Dipper told them, “but you were arguing so loud that we could hear you from the attic, and we got kinda worried —”

“I knew you two would stop being awkward around each other and hug it out sooner or later!” Mabel exclaimed. “And all you needed was to just sit down and talk!”

“Shouldn’t you two be in bed?” Ford asked, prompting Stan to gently elbow him in the arm.

“Yeah, like you never stayed up past your bedtime when you were their age.”

“Oh, come on,” Ford replied as he elbowed Stan back, but he was smiling. “You’re well aware that I would stay up to read about science, not eavesdrop!”

Stan got a wistful look in his eyes. “I dunno, I remember a lot more of turning the room into a blanket fort where we could make shadow puppets and tell spooky stories that definitely weren’t educational.”

“Those were simpler times,” Ford admitted. “I’d forgotten how much I missed those nights…”

“That settles it, tonight is sleepover night in the Mystery Shack!” Mabel declared. “Dipper, gather up all the blankets and pillows you can find! Stan, make some popcorn! Ford, I need your help designing the most epic blanket fort to ever loom over our living room!”

“I’m not sure —” Ford began, but Dipper cut him off.

“You’ve just been through a rough few decades, Grunkle Ford. You deserve some time to just get comfortable and have fun — and trust me, Mabel knows fun.”

“Well…” I suppose I’m not falling asleep on my own anytime soon, given how much I have on my mind. “If that’s what Doctor Mabel prescribed, then I guess I can’t say no, can I?”

***

Ford was the first to fall asleep, leaning on Stan’s shoulder as he began to snore softly, and Stan and Dipper followed soon after. Mabel snapped a picture, unable to resist the temptation to immortalize the goofy looks on her sleeping family’s faces, before draping a sheet over them and snuggling up next to Ford, munching on one last handful of popcorn before finally closing her eyes.

Somewhere buried deep in the forest, a ghost fumed from inside a mirror, and somewhere within the nightmarish dimension between all dimensions, a demon plotted vengeance — but for tonight, at least, the Pines lived in a world of their own, unconcerned with anyone else in the universe except their strange, little, recently expanded family.

***

End notes:

Ford meeting his great-niblings for the first time and seeing how they love him unconditionally: who are these strange children and why am I physically incapable of saying “no” to them

But anyways, that’s the end of To See The Unseen! …or is it?

Well, it’s complicated. I wasn’t initially planning for this to become a long-running AU, only intending it as a roughly four-chapter Halloween special — but as you can guess from the sheer length of this epilogue, I’ve gotten attached to this universe and still have ideas for a lot more things I want to explore.

The problem is, they’re pretty vague ideas, and I don’t have a lot of time to dedicate to developing them. So for now, this fic has reached its (hopefully satisfying) conclusion, but the possibility of a sequel is definitely out there! Maybe I’ll return to it next fall, who knows?

But anyways, thank you all for the wonderful support and comments, and particular congratulations to the people who predicted things like Nathaniel Northwest’s involvement! Seeing theories, even small ones, about my writing makes me happier than almost anything in the world <3

[waywardnerd67]

The Family Business School: Chap. 1 - Acceptance Letter

Summary: (Y/N) receives a letter that she has been accepted to The Family Business School. Meeting a few of the staff before school starts she gets a taste of how her days may be there as her past is brought up. Characters: Dean Winchester, Bobby Singer, Charlie Bradbury, Garth Fitzgerald IV, Reader Pairing: No pairing Warnings: Fluff/Slight Angst Word Count: 2361 A/N: I hope you all enjoy the letter and supply list pictures in this chapter. I designed them myself and think I did an okay job. As always this is unbeta so all mistakes are mine. Likes, comments and reblogs are splendid and I will love you doubly for them! Enjoy!

(Y/N) stared at her computer screen not believing she was accepted the exclusive school for hunters. She had applied on a whim thinking there was no way they would accept her. Everyone, who wanted to be a hunter knew her story and now she lived alone in a cabin for away from society. If she happened to hear of a case nearby she would anonymously submit a post on the Hunter Forum a social media page for Hunters. (Y/N) reread her letter and supply list one more time making sure it was really meant for her.

She immediately replied back to the school’s general email confirming she would be there on October 11th. Most of the items she already had on the Supply List but a few clothing items she would need to get before going Lebanon, Kansas. She had read all kinds of stories about the Men of Letter’s Bunker that Professors Sam and Dean Winchester inherited from their grandfather being a part of the organization. She could just imagine what it will be like to live there for a few months while training to become a hunter. She closed her laptop and looked over to the picture of on her bookcase. The only picture she had of her parents was taken a little over a year ago. Now they were both dead and (Y/N) was alone.

“I promise, I will make you proud. I will not follow in the footsteps of my father.” She whispered getting up and heading into her bed room for the night.

The next several of months she worked as much as she could to put in her savings for when she would leave for Kansas. She was taking an extended leave of absence from her book editing job in order to go to school. She was assured that her position would still be there once she came back. A few days before she was set to leave, someone came knocking on her door. (Y/N) grabbed her shotgun and cautiously looked through the peep hole seeing a scrawny man standing on her porch.

“What do you want?” She called out through the door.

The man chuckled, “Bobby said you might be a little jumpy. I’m Garth Fitzgerald IV and Bobby Singer sent me to help you get whatever you may need for school.”

(Y/N) opened her door peeking around it as he smiled and waved at her. “Hi there, I promise I’m not here to hurt you. You can put the shotgun away.”

She opened the door wide enough for him to come in and set her gun back in its place by the door. “Why did the Head Hunter send someone to escort me to school?” She asked.

“Well, probably given your history there will be a little drama on your first day. As much as he comes off as a mean old grump he truly cares about every student coming and leaving the school.” Garth flopped onto her couch.

“Professor, would you like something to drink?” She asked as she walked into her small kitchen.

She heard him chuckle, “Some water would be great, thank you. By the way, I’m not a Professor at the school. I’m the Curator for the building and surrounding area. I also help out Bobby whenever he needs me.”

She handed him a bottle of water and sat down in her oversized chair, “Oh. Okay then.” She wanted to ask more about the school, the professors and the classes. She thought it was best she kept her mouth shut and found out for herself in a few days.

“Are there any items you still need to get?” he asked as his phone started buzzing, “Sorry, give me just one second.”

He got up walking to the other side of her cabin answering his phone, “Hey Dean. What’s going on?”

The mention of Dean Winchester’s name made her heart race. Anyone who knew about the supernatural knew Sam and Dean Winchester. They were legendary hunters having saved the world time and time again. Like a lot of female hunters, (Y/N) found Dean incredibly attractive. He was known for being a love ‘em and leave ‘em but any woman who had been with him said the one night was worth it. Garth’s raspy voice brought her out of her thoughts.

“Yes, I’m at (Y/N)’s now.” He paused for a moment listening. “Okay. Will do Dean.” He hung up the phone turning around to face her. “You should go ahead and pack so we can hit the road.”

(Y/N) got up nodding silently as she went into her room and grabbed the bags she had packed weeks ago. Garth laughed as he opened the door and took one her bags from her.

Shopping with Garth was a lot of fun. (Y/N) had almost forgot what it was like to hang out with a friend. She picked out a couple of pant suits and a comfortable pair of knee high boots. Then Garth took her to an army supply shop for a few of the other clothing items she needed. Their last stop was to a bookstore so she could pick up ‘The Big Book of Urban Legends’ and a journal. Garth had a handful of comics when he found her looking through the journals.

“Can’t decide?” he asked as he flipped open one of his comics.

(Y/N) shook her head looking at all of them. Some were snap closures, no closures, leather, hardback, but none of them stood out to her. Then she saw it. Olive green softbound leather and tie closure called her. She picked it up running her fingers over it and knowing that journal was meant to be hers.

Garth clicked his tongue, “I would get a brown or black one. That way it never draws attention if someone should see it who’s not supposed to.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right, but I never completely play by the rules. This journal is meant to be mine.” She said smiling up at him.

He laughed clapping a hand down on her back, “I like your spunk. Though you know Dean will give you all kinds of trouble for that bright green journal.”

She shrugged, “Let him, I’ve been given trouble by far worse people.” Garth nodded as he grabbed the journal and book out of her hands.

“This is on me. A welcome to our school present.” He said as they walked up to the counter to pay.

Once on the road, Garth started blaring ridiculous 80’s R&B and rap music singing to the top of his lungs. She slipped her earbuds in and her favorite playlist soothed her onslaught of nerves flipping her insides around. The next thing she knew Garth was shaking her awake.

“(Y/N), welcome to The Family Business School of Saving People and Hunting Things.” He said proudly as he pulled into an underground garage.

As he parked his car she immediately saw the famous 1967 Chevy Impala. Her mouth slacked opened slightly seeing just how beautiful it was in person. Garth helped carry her bags through corridors that lead into a large library. “Ho-ly crap.” She whispered.

Garth chuckled, “I know it’s pretty amazing in here. Now you wait here while I go see what room Charlie has assigned you.” He walked off down another corridor.

(Y/N) started looking at the books in the library seeing some titles she had never heard before. She was so focused on the books in front of her that she did not hear the footsteps approaching her. She felt the end of a gun pressed against her back and her head shot up.

“Who are you and what are you doing here?” said a deep husky voice.

Her first instinct was to disarm him like she had seen online but opted for talking. “I’m a new student here. My name is (Y/N) and Garth just brought me here.”

She felt the gun lower off her back and she turned around slowly. Looking up she was met with the incredibly olive eyes of Dean Winchester who was pursing his lips together in disapproval. Garth and a bouncy red-head with a funny t-shirt on coming running up.

“Whoa, Dean! She’s a student.” Garth called out as Dean turned his attention to him.

“What is she doing here early? She almost got herself shot.” He said placing his gun at the small of his back.

“Dean, I told Garth to go get her. Now, could you refrain from shooting her until this new class of cadets starts.” They all turned to see Bobby Singer standing there.

Dean sighed, “Sorry Bobby, but she was just standing there alone. I thought someone had broken in.”

“That’s my fault since Garth had to come get me. Also,” Charlies stopped and hit Dean in the shoulder, “how dare you doubt my security system.”

Dean rubbed his arm as Bobby approached (Y/N), “I’m Bobby Singer and I’m in charge of all these idjits. It is nice to finally meet you, (Y/N) (Y/L/N).”

She shook his hand as Dean’s head snapped up, “Wait, you’re...” she nodded as he looked up to Bobby with a confused look. “I thought we decided not –”

Bobby held up his hand to Dean, “We can discuss this later. For now, Charlie please show (Y/N) to her room so she can get settled in. You will have a roommate once the other cadets arrive. Welcome to our school.” Bobby smiled warmly at her and then motioned for Dean to follow him.

Charlie hooked her arm with (Y/N)’s smiling brightly, “Well come on, let me give you the tour.” She said.

Garth and Charlie both showed her around the Men of Letters Bunker. She made notes in her small notebook of where the kitchen, bathroom/shower rooms and the stairs leading to the garage. Just down the hall from the kitchen Charlie opened door 24 and revealed a bedroom with two twin size beds, two desks and two small dressers.

“Here is your room. Take your time settling in and one of us will come get you when dinner is ready. No matter what grumpy Dean says please feel free to roam around. Do you have your laptop or tablet?” Charlie asked as Garth set her bags down on one of the beds.

(Y/N) nodded handing her both, “Oh, nice choices. I love my Surface Pro. I’m just going to put some software on these and get them back to you asap.” Charlie turned to leave and immediately turned back around. “Oh, and here, this is your new cellphone. See you later.”

(Y/N) setup her new iPhone and downloaded a few apps to get started with. She turned on her Spotify playlist and began unpacking her things. She was almost done, when she heard voices just down the hall from her room.

“Bobby, how do we know she won’t go evil on us?” she heard Dean said his voice full of concern.

Bobby grunted, “For the last time Dean, I decided to take a chance on her. Jack has turned out to be one of the best hunters we have. I think (Y/N) will follow in his footsteps.”

Dean sighed heavily, “Jack had Kelly and Castiel to guide him before he was born. Then he had Sam and eventually me after a while. Has this check had any support what-so-ever? No, she hasn’t. What she has is a murky past with Lucifer. Which brings up another point, don’t you think she is going to have trouble being around the guy who killed her father?”

(Y/N) had heard enough and walked out into the hallway, “If I did have a problem with you then you wouldn’t have kept that pretty gun of yours when you had it against my back. You know nothing about me or my life after Lucifer. All you know is some hunters’ tales that have been blown out of proportion over the years driving me into seclusion. Before you judge and make assumptions about me why don’t get check your facts! I hear your brother Sam is the best Lore and Research teacher in the country why don’t you sit in on his class and take a few pointers.”

Bobby was smiling from ear to ear as Dean looked at her dumbfounded. She turned to go back into her room and as she was shutting her door she heard Bobby said to Dean, “I like her. I think she will fit in here just fine.”

(Y/N) spent the next couple of days avoiding Dean at all possible cost and staying in her room. Garth and Charlie would stop by to check in on her. Charlie would come by to binge watch superhero shows with her and Garth had brought her a few lore books from his personal collection for her to read. She found out that Sam Winchester no longer lived in the Bunker but just a few miles away with his wife, Eileen, who was a bit legendary herself as a hunter. She had hoped to meet him before him before school since she admired him a lot. Lore and research was (Y/N)’s niche and the whole reason she wanted to come to The Family Business School was to learn everything she could in order to write lore books to help Hunters all over the country.

The morning the other students were arriving Charlie had come to get her so she could be outside when they all arrived. Her stomach tightened at the thought of being around so many people. She kept reminding herself that this was her chance to show people she was not her father. She was nothing like Lucifer. Garth pulled up in to the front entrance of the Bunker in a small bus with ten people on it. (Y/N) watched as the all filed out of the bus and stood in front of all the experienced hunters who would be teaching them.

Dean stepped forward to speak, but before he could a man slightly older than (Y/N) pointed to her, “What the hell is the daughter of the devil doing here?”

So, originally I was going to make this into a one shot but as I was writing this first part I realized there is just too much greatness for a one shot. I decided to make it a four part series. I hope you all enjoyed the first part :)

My Nerd Herd: @waywardbaby @waywardrose13 @carryonmywaywardcaptain @anotherwaywardsister @ladywinchester1967 @dwgrl1903 @akshi8278 @ericaprice2008 @mirandaaustin93 @spnbaby-67 @time-travel-bouqet @1967-essentialghoul @weirdoblogger69 @dean-winchesters-bacon @jensenyourdeanisshowing @destielhoneybee @-lovepeacenhope- @destiel745 @carribear31

[lurkz]

Family is a Badger and an Eagle... err... a Snake

So... really, really late with this but oh well. Danvers sisters week Day #3 - Nerd sisters

Summary:  Alex really didn't see the fuss about a book about a boy wizard. At least, not until she acquired a new sister with a different perspective.

Also posted to “Sisters Are Better Than Reindeer”

Alex received the first book for her tenth birthday from some family member or another that she hardly ever saw. Certainly one that didn’t know her very well, in Alex’s opinion. Otherwise they would have given her a book about astronomy or physics or even history rather than some fiction book about a kid wizard. She dutifully read it, though, if only so she would understand what the other kids at school were talking about. Mostly she just thought Hermione made the most sense and didn’t need those silly boys mucking up her life.

When her mother asked if she wanted the second one the following year, Alex declined.

The kids at school kept going on about the books like they were the best things ever. Alex begged to differ. She was positive that Carl Sagan was an infinitely better reading choice.

She had to admit, she was mildly intrigued when she heard that Hermione got to slap someone in the later books. And that there was apparently a werewolf. But not enough to ask for the rest of them. Besides, The Elegant Universe came out the same year and Alex was too busy learning about string theory.

Then she suddenly got a new sister. And not just any sister. An alien sister who had just lost her entire world and whose powers regularly left her overwhelmed and who couldn’t quite seem to figure out how to fit in at school. And on the one hand that was so cool and on the other hand it was not at all what Alex had in mind when she said she wanted a sister.

Kara was hiding in their room, as she had taken to doing every day since starting at Midvale Junior High. Alex had just received stitches four days before and Kara had started wearing new glasses. Ever since that incident, Kara had spoken even less at home, especially not to Alex, having apparently decided that Alex must hate her.

Alex sighed, looking down at the book in her hands. Given it had only been read once, it was still in pristine shape. She still wasn’t entirely sure what to think about this alien that had, almost literally, crashed into her life but she couldn’t just… leave her and let her hurt. And, well, Alex knew she liked new books when she was upset so maybe Kara would too. Taking a deep breath, she knocked softly. “Kara?”

There was silence then a very hesitant “Yeah?”

“Can I come in?”

“…Okay.”

Slowly Alex pushed open the door, trying not to make too much noise in case Kara didn’t have her glasses on. Kara was sitting on the floor by her bed and looked up when the door opened, glasses firmly in place. “Hi.”

Alex smiled slightly. “Hi. Can I sit with you?”

Kara nodded slowly, brow crinkling just a little in obvious confusion.

Alex sat down carefully so as not to jostle Kara. “I um, I know you think I’m mad.” Kara’s eyes opened wide. “But I’m not,” she hastened to add. “I mean, I was. But, uh, not anymore. And um, well, I don’t really know what you like to do when you’re upset but books cheer me up and uh… here.” She practically shoved the copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone at Kara. “It’s fiction, um, not real, but I thought maybe you’d like it. And a lot of the kids at school… they like it. So maybe if you read it you could, uh, you’d have something to talk to them about.”

Kara was still gazing at her with wide eyes and Alex shifted uncomfortably. Really, they hardly knew each other but this was what sisters did. Right? Right.

When Kara didn’t speak Alex shrugged awkwardly and stood back up. “Well, uh, yeah. I just wanted to say I wasn’t mad. The scar is actually going to be kind of cool. And um, to give you that. So… let me know what you think.” She nodded. “Right. I’ll… get out of your hair, Kara.”

She had just reached for the door to close it behind her when Kara finally spoke again. “Alex?”

Half turning, she cocked her head slightly. “Yeah?”

Kara smiled tentatively. “Thank you. For not being mad. And for the book.”

Alex smiled back, just as tentative. “You’re welcome. I… I hope you like it.”

Kara did like it. Loved it in fact. Their mom picked up the next four on the way home from work the next day. In just a few days Kara had devoured them all and plopped herself next to a studying Alex with a curious and concerned look on her face.

Alex glanced over curiously before returning her attention to her book. “What’s up, Kara? I’m trying to study.”

“Aren’t you a week ahead?”

Alex sighed but smiled ruefully. She looked up again, turning in the chair to face her sister. “Yeah, I am. What’s up?” Things had smoothed out a lot between them over the past several days and Kara had quickly seemed to grasp that Alex’s ideal situation was to be well ahead in all her classes. They hadn’t exactly started sharing a lot about themselves but Kara had at least stopped hiding away and appeared to have accepted that Alex wasn’t mad. Mostly Kara would just do her homework and then read her books in the same room while Alex studied ever further ahead in her classes, the most advanced ones the school would allow her to take at her age.

Kara’s brow furrowed slightly and she now looked a little upset, as if whatever she wanted to ask was bothering her more and more the longer she dwelled on it. Alex cocked her head slightly, studying her younger sister in concern. “Kara?”

“Why does Harry always have to go back to the Dursleys?” Kara blurted out.

“Um...” Alex scrambled for an answer, grateful for her good memory so she could even remember who the Dursleys were. “Because they’re his family I suppose.”

“But they’re so mean! And Harry is so upset! Why does he have to go with them instead of someone else? It’s not right!”

Alex grabbed Kara’s hands which had started to flail a little. “Whoa, whoa. Calm down. What do you mean it’s not right?”

“Because he just lost Sirius and everyone was so mean to him and now he doesn’t even get to stay with people he likes and—”

Alex was lost but she tried desperately to calm Kara down. She really didn’t need a superpowered panic attack right now. Last time that had happened they had lost a chair and two throw pillows to abrupt heat vision. “Hey, hey. Just breathe. It’s ok, Kara. It’s ok. There you go.” Slowly Kara’s breathing regulated. Alex studied her thoughtfully, setting aside the confusing ramble for a moment. “You really liked those books, huh?”

Kara looked at her in surprise, momentarily distracted from whatever had upset her. “Well, of course! Don’t you?”

Alex shrugged slightly and asked, avoiding the question, “What makes you like them so much?”

Kara looked at her suspiciously for a moment, clearly not missing that Alex had refused the answer. But she didn’t call Alex out on it, at least for the moment. “Harry reminds me of me,” she stated simply. “Losing everything. Being left with the Dursleys without a choice. Not fitting in.”

Alex stiffened. Sure, she may have only read the one book and that years ago but she did remember the Dursleys and Harry’s situation. They—she—hadn’t been that bad to Kara had she? Carefully she tried to extract her hands from Kara’s. “Oh. I see.” She couldn’t entirely keep the edge out of her voice. Sure, things hadn’t been sunshine and roses but surely it wasn’t that bad. But maybe it was from Kara’s perspective. Maybe she was as horrible an older sister as Dudley was a cousin.

But Kara was rambling again, not even seeming to have noticed Alex’s reaction. “Obviously it’s not exactly the same. I didn’t have to go live with someone like the Dursleys for one. But see? Harry finds a family at Hogwarts when he didn’t think he would and I found one here when I didn’t think I would. And he doesn’t fit in all the way even at Hogwarts and I don’t either. But he managed to find friends and a family and his godfather and be a hero! And it just…” She trailed off, seeming to run out of steam. It was the most Alex had heard Kara speak about what it was like coming to Earth and moving in with the Danvers family. “It reminds me of me and that maybe I can do that too eventually,” she finally added.

Alex sat back a little in surprise. From that point of view she definitely could see why Kara loved the books so much. “Oh. That… that makes sense.” Alex cast about for something else to say. “What was your favorite part?”

Kara shrugged a little. “I don’t know. Maybe the part where he finds Sirius. But that’s also sad because he doesn’t get to go stay with him. I also really liked the part where his friends come with him to the Ministry even though it was dangerous and he tried to stop them.”

Alex tried to act like she had a clue what Kara was talking about but Kara seemed to still remember Alex’s evasiveness prior and cocked her head slightly. “What’s your favorite part, Alex?” she asked abruptly.

“Oh… um… well, the parts you just said are really good… I, uh…”

Kara smiled a little sadly. “You haven’t read them have you?”

“I… well, no. I read the first one but… no, not the others.”

“Oh.” Kara was silent for several seconds. “Then why did you give me the first one to read? Why not one of the things you like?”

Alex shrugged a little. “I didn’t know that you wanted to read about string theory for fun and relaxation. Besides, like I said, now you have something you can talk to some of the kids at school about. Help you fit in. Maybe find your Hermione and Ron or something. We don’t have to like all the same things.”

Kara seemed to consider this before nodding. “Ok. Thanks, Alex.”

Alex smiled. “No problem, Kara.”

Alex studied the colorful covers arranged neatly on Kara’s bookshelf in their shared room. Kara had continued to love and read (and reread) the Harry Potter books over the years though she’d never really talked about them much with Alex after that initial attempt. Alex did know that Kara had found some friends at school who liked the books. Part of why Alex’s—now ex—friend Josie considered Kara an unpopular dork. But now it was winter break her senior year, Alex was already accepted into Stanford and, well, after recent events she found herself wanting to actually get closer to Kara rather than sticking with the status quo of “siblings who generally like each other.”

Alex was fairly confident Kara wouldn’t mind her borrowing Kara’s copies. They had loaned each other books before after all. Mentally making a note to still be careful with the books, Alex grabbed the first one and settled on to her bed to start reading. Maybe with Kara’s perspective she’d enjoy the books more this time around.

Alex was right. Rereading the books with the insight into Kara’s perspective on them made them far more enjoyable. She doubted she’d ever really adore them the way Kara did but she could see why so many people were obsessed with the books. And, she conceded, they were very good. She still firmly believed Hermione was the best but had found herself engrossed in the story of Harry and how he handled the increasing stakes, particularly in the later books.

Once finished she plopped herself on the couch next to her sister with a sly smile. Their mom was at work, her last day before the holidays, and Kara looked at Alex askance. “Hey, Kara.”

“Hey, Alex.” Kara’s tone was confused. “What’s up?”

“I was just curious… do you think Snape is really evil? I mean, he killed Dumbledore and all but…”

Kara blinked. “What? Wait… you read them??”

“Yeah, well… you really like them so… I thought I’d give them another chance. They’re good.” Alex smiled.

Kara paused as if processing before her face broke out into a wide grin. And then she was off, asking a million questions about Alex’s opinions. “Who’s your favorite character? I bet it’s Hermione, huh? I really like Remus. And of course Harry, Hermione, and Ron. Oh! I bet you really like McGonagall, too, huh? She seems like such a good teacher! It’s too bad Harry couldn’t have been raised by her!

What did you think about Sirius? It was so sad when he died, wasn’t it? What about the Half-Blood Prince? Did you realize it was Snape? Do you think he’s actually evil? He did help Harry a lot but he’s also so mean! And what he did to Remus! But maybe he’s just mean but still a ‘good guy’? Oh! And what about Harry and the snake! Do you think Harry might be a horcrux too? Or is it just because of the scar like Dumbledore said? I think Dumbledore should have been training Harry in occlumency don’t you? Snape was the worst choice!”

Alex laughed. “Whoa, Kara slow down. Yes, Hermione is my favorite. Now if you could repeat questions two through one million…”

Kara blushed and dropped her head slightly, smile dimming. “Sorry, Alex.”

Alex frowned. “No, hey, it’s fine, Kara. I just didn’t catch all the questions. I’m happy to talk about the books with you; that’s why I told you I’d read them. I can’t guarantee I’m as enthusiastic about them as you but I liked them.”

Kara grinned again. “We have to watch the movies! And the next one comes out this summer! So does the last book!”

Alex chuckled. “Sure, Kara. We can do that.” She settled more comfortably on the couch. “So, what were the rest of your questions?”

Kara’s grin seemed to brighten if that was even possible as she delightedly launched back into her questions, albeit at a more reasonable pace. By the time Eliza arrived home, she found both girls ensconced in the couch, good naturedly debating the changes made from the book to the movie version of Sorcerer’s Stone.

When Alex received a handmade scarf in Ravenclaw colors from Kara for her birthday, she smiled and wore it proudly, if only because her sister had made it. When the seventh book came out, Alex went to the midnight release with Kara only slightly begrudgingly, wearing her scarf (at Kara’s insistence). Alex didn’t necessarily mind picking up their copies of the book at midnight—one regular and one deluxe edition—but she also hoped they didn’t have to spend forever at the bookstore. While Kara was certainly going to stay up all night reading her copy, Alex just wanted to get some sleep and read it the next day. But Kara was so excited and Alex had a hard time telling her no, especially after how much closer they had become over the past six months.

Only a couple weeks later, Alex was sighing and shifting her weight in boredom next to a nearly vibrating Kara as they waited for the midnight showing of the fifth movie. Alex figured it was the least she could do since she would be leaving for college in just over a month and Kara would have to go back to Midvale High for her junior year. Things may have gotten slightly better for her sister but Alex knew Midvale High wasn’t exactly Kara’s favorite place. Even if Kara had gotten much better about human interaction, small towns weren’t exactly known for moving forward or forgetting first impressions. So here she was, standing in line at eleven pm waiting for theater doors to open. At least book 5 was one of her favorites, though not quite as much as book 4. And, she had to admit, she was curious how they would handle Umbridge and the DA.

Over the years it became one of her and Kara’s go-to topics of conversation. Happily rehashing old theories and newly noticed details. Alex had laughed but took the Pottermore quiz as soon as it was available at Kara’s insistence, protests of working on her thesis falling on deaf ears. Seeing Kara glow upon realizing that her instinct that Alex would be a Ravenclaw was right made it worth it. Even if Alex had to ignore the niggling voice that told her it had been far too easy to game that quiz to make sure it would place her where she knew would make Kara happiest but… not necessarily where was most accurate.

When Kara happily bestowed an official Ravenclaw scarf on Alex one year for Christmas, Alex had just grinned a little and returned the favor with a Hufflepuff scarf and replica of Harry’s wand. It was Alex who took the new Pottermore quiz first, grinning a little to herself upon being resorted into Slytherin. Kara was outraged until Alex had pointed out that Kara, of all people, should have realized Alex was a Slytherin upon the revelation of the DEO and Alex’s actual job. Kara huffed but conceded, still seeming a bit put out that her sister was “evil.” Kara, naturally, was promptly returned to Hufflepuff.

“So what about everyone else?”

Alex rolled her head on the back of the couch so she could see Kara better. “What about them for what?”

“Houses!”

Alex blinked, momentarily confused. One minute they were watching Homeland the next Kara was talking about houses. “Like Hogwarts?”

“No like HGTV,” Kara deadpanned. Alex rolled her eyes with a smirk; she had taught Kara sarcasm well. “Yes, like Hogwarts.”

Alex chuckled. “Ok, ok. What’s the house for ‘hides under tables?’” she asked innocently.

Kara narrowed her eyes at her sister. “Why? For who—for Winn? Alex! That’s mean!”

“And yet accurate.”

“Alex!”

Alex laughed, taking a bite of ice cream. “Fine. Winn is a Ravenclaw, obviously.”

“Like you.”

Alex arched an eyebrow. “Pottermore was quite clear I’m a Slytherin.”

“You can’t possibly want to be a Slytherin!”

Alex shrugged. “Why not? It’s fitting.”

“No it’s—”

“Kara. I spent two years lying to you and everyone else about what I did in order to protect you. And I would do it again. Whatever it takes to keep you safe. It fits.”

Kara huffed. “Fine. So, Winn’s a Ravenclaw. I agree.”

“So glad.” Alex smirked, snagging another bite of ice cream, making sure to get a large chunk of brownie, before her sister could swipe the carton. “Besides,” Alex grinned slyly, “Cat Grant is definitely a Slytherin also.”

“What? No she—” Kara paused then huffed again. “Ok, fine, yes she is.”

Alex laughed. “Not all Slytherins are evil.”

“Yeah, yeah. What about J’onn?”

“What do you think?”

Kara studied the ice cream thoughtfully for a long moment. “You know him better than I do.”

Alex nodded. “True.” She considered the question. “Hufflepuff I think. Maybe a Gryffindor. But I think a Puff ultimately.”

Kara grinned, nudging Alex with her toes. “Like me. Now we’re even.”

Alex nudged back with a smile. “True. James?”

Kara blushed and looked back down at the ice cream. “Oh, um.”

“You know him better than I do.”

“Clark knows him best,” Kara pointed out unnecessarily.

“Clark’s not here.” Alex nudged her sister again, grinning. “But feel free to take any statements he’s made into account.”

“Ok fine, fine. Hufflepuff.”

“Aww like you? Convenient,” Alex teased. Kara made as if to grab one of the throw pillows and Alex laughed. “Ok, I’ll stop teasing about your crush.”

“So that’s what, three Hufflepuffs? We win!”

Alex rolled her eyes but laughed. “And two Slytherins. Winn is all by his lonesome I guess.”

“He can hang out with the Hufflepuffs.”

“What? No! Slytherin gets him so the numbers are even!

“You can’t just claim him!”

“You just did.” Alex grinned smugly as Kara opened her mouth to respond then closed it.

“That’s… that’s…”

“The exact same thing? Mmhmm.”

This time Kara did hit Alex with the pillow, laughing. “Ok, fine. Slytherin can borrow Winn.”

“Oh you’re so gracious.”

“What about Clark?”

Alex exchanged a look with Kara as they both said “Gryffindor” before laughing. Kara continued, still chuckling, “Yeah, Gryffindor for sure. Lois?”

Alex shrugged. “Ravenclaw with Winn I bet.”

Kara pondered that before nodding. A passion for knowing what was true definitely fit her cousin’s investigative reporter girlfriend quite well. “So Winn’s not alone, I guess.”

Alex chuckled. “Guess not. Clark is though.”

Kara waved a hand with a grin. “He’ll be fine. He would just hang out with James and Lois anyway. Hufflepuffs still win.”

Alex rolled her eyes and settled back into the couch. “Sure, Kara. Whatever makes you happy.”

Kara lightly whapped her with the pillow again before cuddling into Alex’s side. “Yep.”

Alex laughed softly and draped her arm around her sister. “I think we missed half the episode.”

“So hit rewind.”

“You have the remote.” Said item immediately landed in her lap. Alex rolled her eyes again. “Oh, my mistake, I have the remote.” She felt Kara nod against her side and grinned, knowing her baby sister was also grinning. Gently squeezing Kara’s shoulders, Alex picked up the remote so they could properly watch their episode.

Despite the occasional good-natured rant about Alex being a Slytherin, Kara immediately bestowed a silver and green scarf upon Alex for her birthday. And she seemed to take a perverse sort of pleasure in being able to use it as a good-natured insult whenever Alex did something Kara didn’t approve of. That summer, Kara surprised Alex with tickets, courtesy of Cat Grant’s reputation, for Cursed Child and both sisters gleefully donned house scarves and flew Supergirl-express to London to watch it. And when Winn tried to tease her about it, a swift glare and quiet threat made him spin back around and never bring up the topic again (except to give Alex a wand remote control for her tv as a gag gift that Christmas. No one needed to know that Alex occasionally entertained herself by actually using it).

[joyful-voyager]

DVD Commentary

@devoverest wrote:

"Grief," sections 5 ("They hauled me in for a physical today") through 8 ("But it's so hard to accept without proof.")

I've chosen that passage to stay within the stated 500-word limit, but if you want to commentate the whole story I surely would not object. Or, please feel free to pick a different passage from "Grief" if you want to. I just didn't want to pick the ending because spoilers, but it gives me chills every time I read it.

And here is my overwritten response!

Whoa. I need a time machine for this one! We're going back 21 years to the heady days of Voyager's second season, when the fandom was new and the fanfic newer, and Seven of Nine wasn't even a nasty little gleam in Brannon Braga's shifty little eye. Weirdly enough, though, there are about three stories that I can remember the exact circumstances that surrounded their creation. This happens to be one of them, and you'll find out why in a minute.

So. “Grief." This was part of a bigger project that was inspired by Sue Love's story “Period of Mourning." That one story spawned a ton of other fanfic, from straight-up knock offs to gut-wrenching counterpoints (see Michele Masterson's “Contrition“ if you can find it), to a multi-author project in which several people told this same story from a single character's point of view. Sue's style was first person by Tom Paris as a series of personal logs. Over the course of a few days, a bunch of other authors jumped in and “claimed“ a character and got to work in the same style.

Probably because I was young and arrogant and really naïve, I immediately claimed the one character whose point of view I had no business examining: Chakotay's. I was only 26 years old, after all, and I'd never experienced the kind of grief I imagined he would go through. Not even close. But like the idiot that I was, I thought I was good enough to write it anyway.

Sure. Right. At 26 years old, having never been in a long-term relationship, much less having lost a lover to death. Boy, was this a bad move. I knew it right away, too. Whenever I sat down to write, there was so much nothing in my brain it was horrifying. I was in way, way over my head.

Fortunately, at the time I was working in a small, independent bookshop. The weekend that I wrote “Grief,“ I had to work a Friday night shift that kept me in the shop until almost midnight. I am decidedly not a night owl, and the shop was rarely busy on Friday nights. Even worse, I was in charge of the Special Orders desk that night, which was way back in the hinterlands of the shop, between Foreign Language Dictionaries and Psychology. By about 7:00 I was bored and desperate to stay awake. I was rearranging Psychology just for something to do when I realized: “Hey, dumbass, you've got a whole shelf full of books on grieving right here. What kind of ex-librarian/ex-M.F.A. student/bookseller are you anyway? Research." So that's what I did. I grabbed a couple short little books on grief and went back to the desk and started reading. By the time the shop closed, I had a pocketful of handwritten notes on grief and the grieving process. When I got back to my apartment, I opened my notebook and wrote one line: “I am in someone's nightmare." And then I went to bed.

The entire story, virtually every single word of it, was in my head when I woke up. No lie. I think what happened was that all the research I'd done about grief and the grieving process matched itself up in my sleeping brain to things I'd heard family members say over the seven years prior to writing the story. See, when I was 19, a beloved cousin of mine was murdered by a drunk driver. She was 22. My family took it extremely hard. We are a large but close-knit bunch, and over the next months and years I spent a lot of time with that wing of the family – the deceased's parents and in particular her two brothers, who were 19 and 20 at the time. I remember my uncle chain-smoking and saying, “This feels like it's happening to someone else." I remember one of my cousins saying that he couldn't get warm even though it happened in the middle of an extra-sultry Indiana summer. I remember my sisters driving my aunt to the spot where it happened because she wanted to visualize what her daughter had seen at that moment. Most of all, I remember my 20-year-old cousin having to take charge of the situation because his parents were so leveled by grief that they couldn't function. He was the one who identified what was left of his sister's body, made all the phone calls, arranged the Mass and the interment, etc. I asked him how he managed all that. He said, “I didn't have a choice. I put my best suit on and I just did it. I did it for her. But it was the hardest thing I've ever done." And I also remember how, a couple years later, that same cousin started to get into all kinds of trouble for rage-related incidents that he later, with therapy, traced back to not grieving properly for his sister. Somehow, all of these memories just…hooked up in my head with the facts of grief – you know, denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance, etc. – and turned themselves into this story. All I had to do was transcribe it.

As for the techniques and tools part of it: The first person POV was a given, since that's how the project was working. I purposefully kept the early sections short and the language sort of staccato to show how Chakotay was still in the thick of his emotions even though he wasn't dealing with them. He was keeping a very tight rein on himself and even sort of fooling himself, and I wanted to show that in the beginning. The turning point, of course, is his collapse in front of B'Elanna. I imagine the walls really closing in on him at that moment. Weeks have passed, maybe months, and he has done what he thought he had to do: Perform for the crew, do what Kathryn would have done, and not show anyone how her loss was affecting him. When he shouts at B'Elanna, it's a moment of stepping outside of his self-protective shell just long enough to express an honest emotion. And even though it's anger he's expressing, the floodgates are then open. The rest of his suppressed feelings aren't far behind, and they soon come pouring out in his screams, and later his plaintive cries, for Kathryn. The language gets more lyrical then, more self aware and self reflective. He's gone as far down into his grief as he can go and he's slowly coming back to himself. When Kathryn does eventually return, I imagine that he's overjoyed, yes, but also very cognizant of his newfound strength. He can lose someone he loves deeply and still survive it and carry on. (This is part of the reason the reunion scene in The Eternal Tide drives me up a freaking tree, but that's a whole different and equally long-winded post for another time.)

One other technical note: Having the other characters move in and out of his peripheral vision was my way of hopefully making the reader aware that Chakotay's attempts to keep his grief hidden weren't working at all. Tom and B'Elanna and Harry and Kes and Tuvok? They know. They all know, which somehow makes Chakotay's self-delusion more painful. Or at least it was supposed to. Upon rereading the story just now, I'm not sure I fully succeeded at that, but overall I think the story still works.

Thanks for the ask! And sorry the answer is so long. I have nothing to do at work today, it's freezing in my office, and I'm bored out of my mind!