#why am i less of a fan because i wasn't 'here' when taylor was

[tolerateit]

yes i have had a tumblr since 2011 no i didn't make a swiftie tumblr until 2021 no i am not less than you.

[nartml]

To Pimp a Butterfly and 1989: a rant

Listen here, three things about me are that I'm a) white as snow, b) Greek, c) still a minor.

What does this mean? It means that I obviously wasn't raised with hip-hop, and I got into Kendrick Lamar's music pretty late.

As in, early this year.

I've known of him for some time, and the moment I found out he had a Pulitzer prize at some point in late-ish 2023, I decided I had to sit my ass down and pull out Spotify.

Now, as an avid reader of both fanfiction (ao3 raised me) and books [I feel the immense need to clarify that I don't associate myself with mainstream booktok. Capitalism's consumerism has overrun that shit and all I see are the same 20 books being recycled and recommended (a substantial amount of those are Colleen Hoover and her variants). Tropes and spice* are officially the defining factors of whether a book is worth it (*your porn addiction ain't cute) and quantity is heavily prioritized at the expense of quality. Also, diversity who?], I was, for a lack of a better word, hyped.

A Pulitzer prize is nothing to scoff at in general, more so in music, more so in hip-hop.

(Edit: Upon quick reflection, I realize that putting emphasis on hip-hop can come across as coded.

I am in no way, shape, or form trying to undermine hip-hop or say that it's somehow less 'sophisticated' than, for example, classical music. I'm very aware of the amount of skill and technique one needs to write a masterful hip-hop album, and I'm not doubting that there are hip-hop artists out there who are also incredibly deserving of such a prize. I meant it in the sense that I've unfortunately never heard of another hip-hop artist who won a Pulitzer before, which is quite telling.)

That's some huge shit, and I'd be a fool not to be intrigued.

Admittedly, I didn't get on that immediately. For a while I procrastinated, because I wasn't in the mood to hyper-fixate on anything new just yet.

Which of course meant I ended up forgetting about it for a few months, because of course I did.

But then I came across a TikTok that talked about how it was insane that '1989' won the Grammy when To Pimp a Butterfly was right there.

Now, a fourth thing about me is that I don't fuck with Taylor Swift.

And a fifth thing about me is that I'm not baseless in anything that I do, say or feel, and that includes annoyance.

Her immature understanding of activism and feminism leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The way she built up her fan base around this portrayal of her as a relatable girl's girl, her refusal to accept criticism, and always making a victim out of herself (even now when she's in her thirties and is a fucking billionaire) while never using her position of power and privilege for good are all reasons that serve to fuel my dispassionate dislike.

And before any Swifties get on my ass, no, I don't think that "But she's a singer! Why are you expecting so much out of her, she isn't even qualified to speak on XYZ—" is a good enough excuse.

She has always been rich, and now she's a billionaire. There are no ethical billionaires, and that includes her.

Fame is influence is power. Uncle Ben said it all: With great power comes great responsibility.

And let me tell you, I don't see her owning up to that responsibility, especially after all that talk about how she supports women, supports the LGBTQ community, and supports the BLM movement. Has she ever actually put her abundant money where her mouth is?

I've never seen her speak about anything that doesn't immediately concern her.

Don't get me wrong. She's not the only celebrity like this out there. I'm sure there are worse cases. I know it for a fact.

To wrap this segment up before I get even more sidetracked, I'll outright state that I don't hate her, because hating her would by definition mean that I, in some way, actually care about her, and that just sounds exhausting.

Best way to describe me is indifferent, leaning towards distasteful.

She's annoying.

And that's how I feel about both her as a person and her as an artist.

I'm not denying her talent, nor her impact on the industry, nor the fact that she does have good songs that even I like.

A select few, of course, but still.

Apart from those...what? Ten songs? I have never, ever been able to listen to any other song of her's all the way through.

I get bored. They do nothing for me. They sound empty. Hollow. Plastic. Repetitive.

Her lyrics, that are praised by fans for being deep and complex, sound pretty surface level to me.

Not all of them. But I'm a sucker for analysis. A literature nerd. Greek is my native language. I can tell when something's deep and when something wants to be deep.

(Not necessarily including Folklore and Evermore in that category. Her storytelling ability is actually great.)

Her music largely sounds like it wants to be deep.

Most recent example being her latest release, The Tortured Poets Department.

Anyway, back to Kendrick.

My initial plan was to listen to 'DAMN.' first, because that's what he won the Pulitzer for in the first place.

There was a change of plans after that TikTok.

I decided to compare the opening tacks.

I put on Welcome to New York, and predictably, I felt nothing.

The rhythm is dance-y, I suppose. But there's nothing substantial about it. There's nothing exciting about it.

The lyrics are juvenile, and I get it, it's a pop song and she was in her twenties.

Nobody is expecting Shakespeare (no matter how much you scream or kick your feet, the only reason Shakespeare couldn't write Taylor Swift is because he's in another league entirely) or Odysseus Elytis. Nobody is expecting mind-blowing lyricism.

But it's the opening track to an apparently Grammy-worthy album. The very least I'd expect from it would be some additional levels of artistry.

Am I being harsh? Probably. Do I care? No.

Disappointed but unsurprised, I put on Wesley's Theory.

I ascended within the first minute.

Don't get it twisted, I barely understood shit.

Not only am I white, I am also entirely removed from America and its culture as a whole. I don't know what's going on there in y'all's daily lives.

And this was baby's first proper introduction to hip-hop as a whole.

My untrained, white-ass ear barely caught two references. I got what the gist of the song was about, and that's about it.

I had to look up analyses of the track to fully grasp what Kendrick was on about, and even then, there was obviously still a disconnect.

And I expected all of that.

I didn't expect to get hooked on that song within the first listen.

I swear to fuck, the beat is addictive. I swear to fuck, even when I was fighting to understand what the lyrics were referencing, I was having the time of my life.

Even I, an amateur in every sense of the word, could tell that there was depth and there was quality and there was intentional meaning in every line of that song.

It didn't matter that I couldn't understand it. It mattered that I knew it was there. Not because someone told me that was the case. But because it was audible.

I listened to the next track. And the one after that. And the one after that. I had listened to all of the tracks, before I knew it.

And the evident permeance of quality, of substance, carried on throughout the whole album.

It had exactly the type of lyricism I'd expect a Grammy-worthy album to have. It had exactly the amount of artistry I expected a Grammy-worthy album to have.

Even better, it had all the ingredients I expected a timeless album to have.

The poetry Taylor Swift fans insist hides in her discography, I found in plain sight within Kendrick Lamar's.

After meticulously reading the lyrics, I watched video essay after video essay, searched for analysis after analysis on this album, each time understanding the meanings behind it a little better.

Needless to say that the Grammy's are rigged and I love Kendrick Lamar.

Hip-hop is gorgeous.

[dearreader]

latam swiftie here

I'm not on tik tok so idk what's going on there. The math side of the easter eggs has got a bit out of hand and they don'tknow what they're talking about. And I agree with you on "not needing an announcement to make it special". I feel this is kind of similar to when ppl complain about the surprise songs they got. I would have never chosen Labyrinth!! And I got it and loved every second of it!! It's special because it was my surprise song, not the other way around.

I didn't believe we'd get an announcement tonight until her dancers started posting black hearts. But my favourite thing would be for her to just play foolish one.

I'm super grateful for the shows, I got to see the mashup, it was insane and I loved every second of it. I had been waiting for over a decade for this so it meant everything to me. I am not expecting her to do anything other than show up at the announced time and perform (as long as weather and health allows her to).

I waited 3 years between 1989 and rep, im not expecting releases this often. No one was expecting 1989 tv right after speak now (I certainly wasn't expecting it until early next year the soonest). But she did announce it and it did happen. Thats just why it's not that crazy to think of an announcement this soon. It just hurts to see everyone calling us ungrateful. Over 17 years we only got 3 tour dates. And we're so so grateful for it, we tried to show her that with the "we will stay" fan project. I screamed so loud every single lyric I damaged my vocal chords and it took me a week to recover. People are still making edits, friendship bracelets, they're gathering in the parks and doing swiftie meetups, today I gave two fbs away on the subway!!

The reasons why I believe she won't come back are market-related and financial, but the whole T4F fiasco didn't help at all. The local producer (T4F) is responsible, not the stadium (Im saying this bc i saw this confusion a lot, here those are two different companies, I believe in the US it's the same one).

I understand and agree with what you said, I just want you to know we're very grateful for what we got. (and I didn't think you were rude). In all honestly, the feeling I got from everyone in that crowd was excitement and wanting to be a part of something this big. We didn't want to show anything other than support and love. I heard exactly 0 people complain we didn't get an announcement (but I'm not on tik tok so i might be wrong lol)

And no, we're not really a part of this whole thing the same way everyone (the US, Europe and even parts of Asia/Oceania) is. But I'm not gonna complain because at least we got tour dates. There are lots of places who got no tours dates at all (African swifties you're in my heart). I obviously understand she can't please the entire world and that there are financial decisions to be made!! She's a human and a business woman and I understand. But it does mean we get left aside (again! This is a world/capitalism problem where poorer countries get less chances in general and I'm not expecting Taylor to solve this).

Im sorry, this is so long. Im just trying to say that this is a reality (a sad one), that we understand it exceeds her 100%, and are grateful she toured this year. But that in the bigger picture, we're not a part of things like "the rest of you" and I believe thats where this whole rep tv thing is coming from. It doesn't mean we're not super grateful she took a chance on us and visited this year 😊

Thank you for reading and answering. I know you didn't have to. I really hope you enjoy the last show of 2023 :)

hi, please forgive me for a not good response as i’m tired and focusing on my breathing right now.

but thank you again for responding and explaining more about the financial aspect. and i’m so sorry if i ever implied latam swifties were ungrateful, i never meant to or ever thought that as everything i’ve seen has been nothing but overwhelming love and support from latam, and i really really hope she you’re there again because it’s clear the fans love her and i want her to just be able to be with fans and people who love the music. and the fact you guys are still doing friendship bracelet exchanges is insane and i love it!

and i do think she plans on releasing all of the taylor’s versions on the tour and she wanted to hit certain dates, which is why she announced speak now and 1989 so close together. i think we’ll get reputation sometimes early next year (late january or february ((but i think february is more accurate))) and debut a bit closer to the end of the tour.

and i’m not going and sit here and say you’re apart of this tour just as much as any other location is, because again i’m an american so no matter what i’m not going to understand what it’s like in latam. but i really hope it doesn’t feel like you’re apart if this differently than anyone else, this tour is a monumental moment in taylor’s life and career and the fact she’s able to go to so many locations (especially for the first time) is so massive and big in of itself. an album announcement is a special thing but it doesn’t make the tour or anything about the night any less special.

again, im sorry if this isn’t the best response, but i do hope that you have a good night 🫶🏻

[anonymous-swiftie]

If you are on twitter, please retweet this:

https://twitter.com/ASwiftie00/status/1334245577933148164?s=19

Dear #Swifties,

I'm new on tumblr, and I really don't know how to use it.

I know you are the best supporters of the music industry and I'm here to ask your help.

I'm fighting with a crippling depression, that due this covid situation just got worse.

I'm at my lowest, I truly don't know if I will make it through this time.

I always dreamed to talk to Taylor, since I was a teenager. She is the only one that make me feel like I do fit in this world.

I've created this account because I know she is very active here, and I'm trying to reach her with this part of my story.

You can read everything below.

I didn't write any personal information because I don't want this to be seen by my family or somebody that can recognise me.

I don't want upset anyone.

I know that everyone hope to meet or chat with her, and so you are probably wondering why you have to share this here.

You're totally right, maybe it's a stupid idea to ask you this, but I haven't anything left in my pocket to fight this situation, and you're my only hope right now.

Thank you.

#taylor #swift

*******************************************

Dear Taylor,

I keep writing and deleting this, over and over again.

I feel so dumb to write my personal story here, but this truly is my last chance to feel better and try to overcome this giant monster called depression.

I genuinly don't know if I can make it through this year. It's the worst period of my entire life and i don't even know if it's worth living this hell anymore.

I know you have millions of supporters (that probably write you every single day, and they are all better fans than I am, that's for sure) but I know that you proved, time after time, to be so down to earth and to use your time to read your fans messages.. so, in this moment, I'm just trying to share a part of my story with you.

You are the one that make feel understood, since I was like 13teen.

I'm so sorry if my English isn't very good but I'll do my best.

I'm not very active on social media , because I'm very shy when I have to talk about myself.. but If this could work, I must do it.

I will try to send a letter, If I can find the strength to mark this feeling on paper.

**IF I'M WRITING TO SOMEBODY FROM HER STAFF, PLEASE JUST LET THIS MESSAGE REACH TAYLOR**

I'll try now to resume, because I don't want to bother you too much.

This has been a crazy year so far, and the all the time I spent by myself during the lockdown didn't help at all.

This situation brought me back to childhood.

I spent a lot of my days back and forth in hospitals, due to my allergies.

I had to wear a mask all the time I wanted to go outside to avoid severe allergic reaction (that's why this Covid thing awakened some hurting memories)

I didn't have real friends back then, 'cause I've spent most of the summers at home, watching other kids playing around, from my window, or from the windows of my classroom.

It was so hard to make new friends, because the only thing that other kids saw was my mask.

I was the masked kid.

I was the strange kid.

I couldn't play with them.

Everytime I tried to play with them, the only thing I heard was "oh you are ill , I don't wanna be like you so stay away".

This situation made me start to write things in my personal diary.

I wrote small sentences, as a kid, and that was the only thing I could do alone inside an empty classroom during all summer.

This situation continued  for many years.

I wasn't the cool kid before, I wasn't the cool guy after.

The only things that let me enjoy those days were writing and listening to your songs.

I started to listen to your music thanks to my English teacher. She was a fan of folk and country music and she gave me a pic in which you were singing near a lake (I still have that photo somewhere, I strongly remember the white banner with your name written in red on it) and told me to listen to the cd she gave me that day.

I immediately fell in love (I think I still have a crush on you, I'm sorry).

I loved your album. I loved your voice. I loved the lyrics.

I remember having a "test" in school: each one of the class had to write their favourite lyrics and let the others guess the song.

If the someone guessed It, We could play the cd.

I chose Love Story and I translated it in Italian.

The class guessed the song, and I played it.

After the lunch break I went back to my desk and I saw some bullies that were breaking my cd-album and they started to laugh at me because I loved your music an I loved writing poems.

I was a boy so I was a loser because I enjoyed those things.

That felt terrible, but I continued to love your songs even more .

Those were my inspiration to write and to study english.

I felt so good when I listened to your album and this still happens.

Then I went to a private high-school.

Nothing changed, I still was the nerd guy that always got good grades and I have to say that the first year was quite good, but the second year was the start of the apocalypse.

I choose that school because two girls that I knew from childhood went there.

One of the cool new guys started to spread a fake "news" about me.

He said to everyone that I was the boyfriend of one of the two girls that I mentioned before.

So he was the cool guy and one of the girls believed him and told me to f*** myself.

The other girl was her best friend, so you could imagine by what happened next.

After 14 year spent together, I was nobody.

I didn't have "friends" in that class anymore.

I didn't say hello to anybody for 4 years, and nobody would say anything to me.

Nobody to talked with me.

That's great when you're a teenager.

I hated to wake up every morning.

I had an eating disorder, I lost like 22pounds in less than a month. Got hospitalized twice. I kept vomiting for 3 years, every single morning before school.

During that time I only talked with one of my cousins, who lived like 2 hours by car from me.

He was older than me but he always tried to help.

He knew that I loved to write poems so he started to give me guitar lessons.

I made it through a lot of things thanks to him.

I'm sorry, It's hard for me to write this part of the story.

I still get emotional when I think about this.

On the 10TH of December 2013 (some days after his birthday) we received a phone call from his mother: She warned us that he didn't return home after the last working shift.

I wrote a message to him like 3 hours prior to that phone call.

Never had the opportunity to get a reply again.

This year is the seventh year that he is missing.

That destroyed me.

I felt empty.

I felt like nothing couldn't help me.

I still feel that everytime I care about someone in my life, it will disappear someday.

This have happened several other times.

You know when ignorants say that men don't cry, is real bullshit. Men cry. I cried a lot.

I wrote so many poems , lyrics, thoughts in that period of time, that I destroyed my hands.

That was the only way to close my eyes and let me reach another reality because the real one was way too much for me.

Be a sensible man in this world is somehow a curse.

All these things made me afraid  even to hug someone 'cause I feel I'm too ugly or just to scared to be refused.

I will stop here my story, but there's so much more to tell.

I make it through all of these things and memories because I keep dreaming that one day I could meet you and we could talk together.

Dreaming about the fact I could spend a day with you made me find the power to battle my depression.

I'm 25 now and this year I'm not dreaming anymore.

I was going to start again university, I wanted to get a degree in marketing and have the chance to live in the us.

For years I believed that I would make it and hopefully be part of your marketing team.

I'm so stupid. All these years I kept dreaming to avoid pain.

I wanted to pursue my passion and continue to write lyrics but all I was doing was putting myself in unrealistic realities.

This covid situation made everything clear.

When everyone had someone to facetime (or video call) I was alone.

When everyone had someone asking them "how are you?" I only had myself looking in the mirror saying: "Will I ever feel better?"

I've never been the one for anybody, and I think I'll never be.

I won't be the one among all your fans to realize his dream.

Nobody likes me, and I'm exposing myself once again just because I want the opportunity to smile at something that could happen to me.

I'm tired to smile only for others best moments.

I've always seen the sun through a window.

I want to feel happy.

I want to burn my face with the sun.

I'm so sick of hiding my pain,

sick to cry when I'm alone in my car before going to work,

sick to let my eyes rain on my pillow every night.

I'm sick to say to my mother that I'm fine, just because I don't want to make her feel bad.

It's not her fault.

She is battling with a degenerative autoimmune disease, why I should put other weight on her shoulders?

I didn't give up to my weakness before because I don't want to hurt her.

I always say to her that soon she will feel better, that's why your song It's stuck in my head.

But when she won't be here anymore, how I can go through all of that?

I don't even know if will ever get better for me.

Will this pain ever stop?

Sometimes it's so hard to live and so easy to die.

Hope that my dream to spend some time with you can become true.

Thank you for everything, you gave me the strength to go on for many years.. But this time is so hard to put on my armor and continue this battle.

But is this even worth if thy I try to surround myself with people and I always feel lonely?

D.

@taylorswift @taylornation @jackleopards-thedolphinclub

[pretentious-librarian]

the art teacher is so cool

the art teacher just turned on a video of Taylor Swift performing How You Get the Girl which has got to be one of my favorite Taylor songs.

now that most of my classes are over, i have a ton of free time now. what have i been doing with this free time? making a powerpoint explaining the entirety of the fnaf lore. my mom and i have been trying to heal our relationship. since she doesn't understand me (cliche ik, but true), i didn't share myself. she hates horror, i love it. but she said she was sad that she didn't even know what my interests are so that's why i'm making the powerpoint explaining the fnaf lore, so she can know me better even though i know she's going to hate all every part of fnaf. i was sick yesterday and my sister forgot to pick up one of our friends on the way to school because i wasn't there to remind her and now he has detention for being late to class lmao. Taylor Swift released her version of This Love last night and I'm in love with it it's SO GOOD.

today a friend texted me and asked me about people who have made impacts on me, real or fictional,. friends or strangers. some people have simply impacted me by making me feel less alone, making me feel seen. I didn't really include those people and my friend said i wasn't allowed to say Michael Afton smh. but i can't seem to stfu about him ever so i understand why she said that lmao. I'm totally not working on my third--wait maybe fourth--fanfic about him rn.... anyways here's a copy of what i told her about people who have impacted me:

tyler joseph and his band (twenty one pilots) convinced me not to ��myself and gave me hope and showed me the importance of art, two of my teachers are like father figures to me so that's a huge impact on my personal growth, my middle school english teacher was the sweetest woman with the best roasts ever who i credit as making me into the writer i am today, lily sigh (iisuperwomanii) is a youtuber i grew up watching who made me laugh, feel safe, taught me important life lessons-through the years i watched her she basically raised me, when i was a little kid i loved ariel the little mermaid and she's the reason i'm a competitive swimmer today, gerard way is the lead singer of a band i used to be obsessed with and he encouraged me to be myself and showed me that i can survive hard times just like him, my favorite asmr creator, Gibi, comforted me and gave me rest when i was anxious and showed me it's okay to be into nerdy geek stuff no matter how old you are (she's like late 20s rn i think and her bedroom looks like a teen girl gamer room) my favorite twitch streamer nick smithyman never fails to make me laugh and interacts with his fans and makes a ton of your mom jokes. taylor swift taught me how to recover from breakups when i thought i never could and helped me express my feelings in a healthy way that no one else could and taught me that i can find happiness in myself, without needing anyone else.

i don't know if you can tell but i am most impacted through art more than anything else. i believe art is what makes us human. i could talk about the beauty of art and stories and storytelling forever. maybe i've already talked about here but idc. all of those things are what make us human. and when i say art i don't just mean visual art. music, poetry, filmmaking, video games, writing, architecture, speaking, dancing, anything that humans create is art and it tells a story. maybe it literally tells a story but even a story tells a story of the artist. whether the artist intended there to be a story or not, art tells a little story about who we are. art tells the story of an individual and tells a piece of a story of humanity. storytelling through art connects us all and that is why art of all kinds impacts people so strongly. this is why i want to work in a library, surrounded by my favorite kind of art that i can indulge in and best of all, share it with others.

maybe i just repeat myself over and over again but i'm okay with that.

[blakegallo]

one day i'll wake up not thinking about the bad faith interpretations of things that happen on the weewoo show, yet here i am. at this rate i'd also take waking up and being able to discuss them in a coherent manner that doesn't involve me typing out massive text posts only to just delete them.

i don't feel like i need to throw out this disclaimer every time i talk about taylor, and i'm not even sure how accurate it is at this point, but here we are. taylor is just a recurring character. so far that's really only boded well for karen... but i think that if karen wasn't a scientist and was a first responder of some kind then she would join in the fact that everyone else in the main cast dates another main character. but as a recurring character, i would never be surprised if the writers ever decided to write her out of the show. and after the retconning of eddieana i really wouldn't be surprised. rip ana, you aren't missed, but they did you dirty. and while buck/eddie should unpack that shooting experience together... if eddie is ever going to talk about his actual trauma the show's made it pretty clear he's only gonna do that with bobby.

from my perspective the only hint that we have that something isn't working came in ghost stories. all the other scenes from this season feel like a reach. from the return home in desperate measures where the fact that buck was just on shift for 5-ish days in la... with no kind of air conditioning, worried about eddie's health and harry's safety... but no? it's because taylor??? to the hug in peer pressure that people utilize to show buck is distant even though the whole scene is about buck being warm to taylor and her comforting him. even brawl in cell block 9-1-1 required an incorrect assumption that taylor was using buck even though there was no evidence to support that other than fans of the show not connecting to her. taylor exist so she must be evil.

and it's not even the scene where taylor's commenting about the murder for hire marriage, bc again that to me is the more bad faith take of the scene when the end of the episode clearly explains buck's actual thought process. which again, need context. the only time buck's gone around the law in canon have been for maddie. to buck it makes sense to break rules to protect people he loves. him and eddie cracking jokes about the locked yard murder isn't the same as taylor being serious about solving a murder. about actually following someone she thinks hired someone to murder her husband. it's weird to me that of all the possibilities the fact that buck could have actually been concerned for taylor isn't on the table. but the rest of the scene, where buck somehow wouldn't understand why the truth is so important doesn't at all connect with who the show wants us to think buck is. between buck lying to chimney and then this buck's arc least season that lead into his begins episode makes even less sense.

i've also talked about the show just being inconsistent at times when they just want to add in some levity that people want to run with. namely the hen/eddie call from peer pressure. i'm still confused how that blew up into a meta topic when not only have we seen them working together previously, we just got off home and away where they worked together just fine.

every things is fair game and you can do whatever you want. it's not even that my interpretation is the only interpretation. it just gets weird seeing the bad faith take be the only take. and when it's the only take it doesn't matter how many blogs you block or blacklist bc then you essentially live in a bubble... and that's not fandom???

i also have feel some kind of way about being using "the writing" to justify a lot of the takes when so many of the moments used are clear acting choices. how much of that is scene directions? i'll never know

bucktaylor doesn't have to be endgame. that's fine. as a multishipper i don't need a thing to be canon, let alone endgame to have a good time. but then again, as i said last night i'm old. so.

[bisluthq]

I know this is preaching to the converted here but I genuinely don't understand Ks who think they broke up in 2019 while Lover was being recorded/ME! being filmed. Cause they say about the relationship breaking down around the 'fake wedding' but the wedding wasn't fake. I can sort of believe it if they broke up in 2018 with K choosing Josh for good but tbh given how they didn't interact from nov 2016 onwards + social media stuff I can't see it from then

I think I can actually understand it, it’s just not true. But I really am not here for dunking on people getting this wrong historically and in fact figuring out what happened here and why it went on for so long on main can teach us some valuable lessons so let’s go through this.

I think several things happened that lead fandom into making this kritical error (over and over): 1) Taylor went dark in November 2016. Kar didn’t. People who thought they were together found it comforting to believe that they were together because Karlie was offering Tay’s fans a window into “their” life together. Which was... not a window into Tay’s life, obviously, because that makes no sense, but I think it was a nice fantasy that was actively being reinforced by a number of influential Kays. But like yeah a lesson here is private couples are... about an equal amount of private usually unless one is much more famous and therefore seen more. But the less famous half of a celeb couple isn’t going to be posting lifestyle content from the home of their famous spouse who only poses with blank walls. That’s silly.

2) Taylor produced Reputation and said she is going to keep her private life private (for that era - idk why hard Kays keep dredging that prologue out as gospel for the rest of time when it does seem like it was part of the whole snake era vibes) and let the music do the talking. She also then went and said all of the album was for one muse. The latter makes no sense at all, as I’ve explained before there are.... pretty visibly three separate romantic relationships being discussed on the album. We have something messy in SIG, DBM, DWOHT and Dress except for the bridge (like the latter is not just in terms of gay/straight readings but it goes from “pining and anticipation” anxiety to “one and only my lifeline” - it literally is about two people and two different points in her life). We have something good and new in CIWYW, Delicate, KOMH and NYD. We then have Getaway Car. And we also have the diss tracks some of which do seem to reference messy muse in some ways. But Tay said to fans “this is all about my angel boyfriend Joe” and instead of being like “oh okay so that’s an exaggeration obviously but Joe can still be real you wouldn’t want to formally talk about exes when you’re happy in something new” Kays decided what she meant was “this is all about my angel girlfriend Kar”. Both are stupid things to believe due to the actual lyrical evidence and the fact that there are, as I yelled into the void for the first three years of thinking this, at least three relationships discussed in the lyrics but both opinions are kinda rooted in evidence of some sort.

3) Swiftwyn were extremely private for the first few years of their relationship and whenever they appeared formally in the media it was to stunt for her promo (which is often the case, like this is why pap walks aren’t great confirmation of a relationship) which made it possible to sell it as a PR relationship even though it made no sense as one. “Proving” it’s real in some capacity required deep diving for the multitude of receipts that they’re regularly spotted together as @youareinlovees so legendarily did. And nobody wanted to do that because they liked the idea that he’s not really around and that Kaylor are still on because lbr it’s a hotter idea. Like it’s that simple. Also, given Joe wasn’t a household name prior to dating Tay (but let me just stress again that his biggest role was before he dated her and he consciously took a step back when they got together), nobody knew anything about him and so they could call him boring and shit and therefore dispute her attraction to him while pulling up a stunty and kinda cringey Vogue interview lmao as proof of Kaylor’s deep love for one another.

4) big blogs spread lies and nobody bothered to verify the veracity of things that were being said. Which is probably our biggest lesson to take away from them. Fact check shit, kids. Y’all kept repeating the Kissgate thing - that they went dark straight after - when that was literally a lie. Like I love being fact checked and I think my regular readers know that because y’all relish fact checking me (as you should 😌). And you all should like being fact checked too. Being wrong isn’t a crime. We all get stuff wrong and we all say dumb shit. What’s bad is refusing to admit it, ya know, and ignoring evidence in order to prove something or twisting evidence of one thing into something else. And both sides are regularly guilty of this. Like hets spent ages going on about how Kar wasn’t important to Tay and was just the “situationship” lesson from the Elle essay (when I think it’s pretty clear she was all that glitters is not gold). And Kays spent ages saying Kar is her soulmate other half type. And both sets of people were being silly and not being objective.

5) Finally, there is a lesson about inductive versus deductive reasoning at play here. If you’re going from a conclusion - Karlie and Taylor are together and are soulmates - it becomes possible to twist anything into supporting that. If you think Karlie and Taylor never had anything at all it becomes possible to twist anything into supporting that. If you think inductively and try put together actual evidence that you find into a picture that makes sense you’re more likely to be on the right track. Like you can still fuck up because you’re not those people but at least you’ll make sense.

Anyway I think the point is we should learn from this situation and not bash people who believed it for a long time because I can see how it happened and I’m happy many are seeing the light now.

[angelsswirl]

Vellichor

The One With Shit and The Fan

A.N. Yall are about to be very mad at me, but it must be read.

~•~

Oh and I know

And you know that we've been here before

I think I know how it should end

We got an audience calling us crazy

You feel like a white suburban mom.

The ones that hoot and howl over every little thing in preparation for company.

You feel like that, because that's exactly what you're doing right now.

Hooting and howling over every little thing in preparation for company.

"If you move a pillow to sit on the couch, what do you do with the pillow when you're done sitting on the couch? YOU PUT THE PILLOW BACK! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU GUYS?!"

You had finally managed to convince Jisoo to agree to a civilized dinner with Taylor's parents. It involved a lot of placating and a lot of sex.

So naturally, you had to make sure the house was spic and span, because you wouldn't be caught dead in a filthy home.

Luckily, your children had pulled their own weight and helped, you were now just doing the finishing touches, like putting throw pillows in their proper place and screwing the cap on the milk jug tighter.

You also made sure to keep an eye on Jisoo just in case she decided to booby trap the place. At this point you wouldnt put it pass her.

Ryland came bouncing into the kitchen excitedly, "What did you make for dinner tonight, mommy? You got my text about the Bae-Park's dietary restrictions right?"

Despite being the second oldest, Ryland still called you 'mommy' occasionally. Especially, when she was excited or wanted something.

"Yes. Suzy and Jackson are allergic to peanuts and Taylor won't eat anything with a face. We'll see how long that lasts because you're a carnivore like your mom. And I passed it along to Lia because she cooked." You fussed around the kitchen. Dusting and swatting at imaginary dust.

"But what if mama convinced Lia to poison Chaeyoung?!"

You rolled your eyes. Did your daughter really think her mother would do something like that? Or better question. Did she really think you would let her mother do something like that?

"Jisoo has been here all day and I have her phone. I talked with Lia about everyone's needs and she made something suitable for everyone. Everything is going to be okay. Calm down, baby."

Ryland pouted, "How do you know if Chaeyoung has any restrictions? I didn't text you about her."

"We dated, remember?"

"No. I wasn't there."

"...Everything is going to be okay. Now, get out of my kitchen and set the dining room table. You might have to bring some more chairs in from the garage."

Ryland nodded.

~•~

Jisoo stared at her wife with a partially unreadable expression on her face.

She had been tricked into this. Bribed, if you will. Maybe even conned.

Sure, she was more or less fine with Taylor dating her daughter, but she wasn't really fine with spending more than an hour in a room with one of the only other people on the planet who knows what her wife looks like naked.

Great.

Her wife looks great naked. And Park Chaeyoung knew that.

She was doing her best to hide her blatant jealousy and anger but Jisoo wasn't an oscar winning actress for a reason.

"Are you getting all primped up for me or for her?" It sort of just slipped out. You had been putting on makeup for the past hour and Jisoo couldn't help but wonder.

You had never rolled your eyes harder in your life, "I'm not about to start this with you."

"You're avoiding the question."

"Because you should know the answer by now."

"For me?"

You put the finishing touches on your dark tinted red lip. Smacking them dramatically, then placing the tube of lipstick back onto the vanity.

You turned toward Jisoo with a smirk, "Oh no. For me."

Jisoo could only watch you walk out the door and into the main living area of the house.

Jisoo would try to keep the snarkiness to a minimum. If only because she's sure if she doesn't she'll never get to see your great nakedness again.

~•~

Dinner, to everyone's surprise, isn't that awkward. Probably due to the fact that Taylor easily dominated the conversation, you're a bit preoccupied with fussing over Kaleb, and Jisoo has had a full glass of red wine.

"Tay tay! How did your parents react to you telling them Ryland was your mate? Did they throw a tantrum like mama did?" Peyton asked, her mischievous smile poorly hidden behind her glass of lemonade.

Sometimes, you think Peyton forgets she still lives with you unlike her older siblings and can most definitely still be grounded. You had to resort to your signature glare, but it did the trick as Peyton slumped into her chair, thoroughly frightened.

Taylor looked confused at the question. Peyton knew the answer. They're literally best friends. She was the first one she told.

"No. Mom just mumbled that it probably made sense and then I went to go play soccer."

Ryland smiled lovingly across the table at Taylor. Lia made a gagging sound.

You thanked whatever being was listening that Peyton's chaos energy hadn't prevailed. If you thought, Ryland was your demon child while you were pregnant with her, you surely hadn't seen anything yet.

"Okay, why don't all of you kids, go do whatever it is you do in the livingroom. Mom doesn't need you to see her scarf down an entire bottle of merlot in one gulp." You mumbled that last part under your breath.

Everyone but Lia left the table, happy to be excused.

You stared at her blankly.

"I'm 22."

You're not exactly sure why but your patience is wearing thin quickly.

"Did I ask how old you were?"

"No, ma'am. Excuse me." She bowed her head dramatically before grabbing Kaleb and scurrying from the table.

"Kids. So....interesting." Chaeyoung said in an attempt to break the silence.

"Yeah. I keep telling myself that my reward for not killing them are future grandchildren. Well, actually. I'm already terrified of whatever Peyton procreates."

Both Chaeyoung and Suzy laugh at your joke.

"So, how'd you two meet?" Jisoo asked inbetween sips of her wine. She wasn't even looking in Chaeyoung and Suzy's direction, if only because it was sort of hard to peer around you in their positions.

You tried to listen for answers, you really did, but your reasoning for the irritability comes to light. You're sweating and almost slumped over into Jisoo, but you somehow managed to keep yourself upright.

Jisoo and Chaeyoung's eyes snapped to you at the same time. And the last time you felt this much dread, was when you found out that Jisoo and Chaeyoung found out about each other.

It's almost like you see Chaeyoung's mouth move in slow motion. You will her not to say anything, just let you silently excuse yourself from the table and take your suppressants, but no. Things were never easy when it came to Chaeyoung and Jisoo.

Chaeyoung offhandedly mumbled "That's familiar." She doesn't really mean anything by it. You knew that, hell even Suzy knew that.

But you can see the glass in Jisoo's hand start to shake.

"What did you just say?"

"Huh? Oh nothing. I didn't mean anything by it, Jisoo. I swear."

"Chu...let it go." You do your best to calm her down with a light touch to her thigh.

"It's no big deal. It was stupid I shouldn't have said it."

"You fucking my wife isn't a big deal?"

"Jisoo! What the hell?" You stared at your alpha who seemed to be looking right through you to Chaeyoung. The pent up anger in her eyes was quite astonishing.

"What's your problem, Jisoo? It's been years and the only one who still fucking cares is you." Chaeyoung said with a shake of her head.

"My problem is you."

Chaeyoung rolled her eyes, "I'm married with two beautiful kids. I don't want y/n and she doesn't want me. Grow up."

Chaeyoung gathered her belongings and gestured for her wife to follow her. Suzy did so reluctantly, she shot a glance of sympathy toward you but otherwise didn't say anything.

The family left, two confused children in tow.

You swallowed harshly, it was surprisingly easy to fight off your heat instincts considering you wanted very little to do with the person that's supposed to help you through that.

"Well. Congratulations."

Jisoo's brows furrowed, not in the least bit surprised when you dont elaborate.

You got up from the table without a word. You headed to the livingroom and poked your head in, "Peyton, do you mind cleaning up the table. You don't have to do the dishes, just put them in the sink. Thank you." Abigail and Ryland stared after you.

Peyton set about doing the task without any fan fare.

You then hurried into your bedroom. Wiping at your eyes and your makeup.

You knew Jisoo had followed you. Probably wanting an explanation about what you said.

"Why can't you just let it go? It's been twenty years. You said you were over it, but every time you're even slightly reminded you blow up. You know how sorry I am but it feels like I'm still being punished."

"You slept with her. You're mine and you slept with her." Jisoo looked at you like she didn't understand how you didn't get that.

"I'm yours now. I wasn't back then. Even if you imprinted on me I wasn't your mate. I wasn't even your girlfriend. I didn't cheat on you. Why does everything I did have to be some slight against you?"

Jisoo huffed, "You knew I loved you. You led me on you made me think that it was only me. That you were only going to choose me."

"What did I ever say to make you think that? Was marrying you not enough? Is being your mate not enough? Those three beautiful babies not enough?"

"We have four kids."

"Oh, hop off it. You know that's not what I meant."

Jisoo doesn't say anything further. She only stares at some point passed your head.

"Am I not enough for you, Jisoo? Because I don't know what else I can give you. I gave you my life, my love, my womb. But it's still not enough for you. What else do you want from me?!" You tried not to raise your voice too much, but it was sort of a hard feat to accomplish around your tears.

"To go back in time and not sleep with her. To say she never meant anything to you."

"Oh. You want the impossible." You nodded slowly, not agreeing in the slightest. But you got it now.

"Say it."

"You know I can't."

"Say it, y/n."

"We told each other that we would never lie to each other, and I'll be damned if I start now."

"...Then tell me to leave."

"Jisoo."

"I need to go, but I can't do it unless you tell me to."

You choked on a sob, "Fine. Go. Just know, if you walk out of that front door everything that I have said tonight, will be proven right."

That got Jisoo to hesitate. To rethink breifly. But the alpha is telling her to go before she does something she really regrets. So, she leaves. And the pain that encompasses her heart is nothing like she had ever felt in her life.

You heard the door slam shut and with it, Peyton walked into the room. You pretend that you dont see the tears in each other's eyes, "Mommy?" Her omega is calling out to yours, probably more than she realized.

She's technically a pup and she needs comfort, so even though you felt like curling up into a ball and dying you give it to her.

She practically falls into your lap and she sniffled. Your and Jisoo's bond isn't broken by any means, but even the children can tell there's something not quite right.

"I didn't mean for you to hear that, baby girl."

"Are you two going to be okay? I've never seen mama that mad before."

And that question coming from her daughter seemed to hurt the most, "I hope so, Pey. I hope so."

[blogsmog]

Lessons Learned in 2020

1…2…3….exhale and breathe. 2020 was a rollercoaster of a year, wasn't it? I felt like there were many times throughout the year where I was just holding my breath. Not sure what to expect next. Throughout the majority of my life, I have written in a journal. It’s a way for me stay somewhat sane and a way for me to reflect on my life. When I started writing about 2020, I realized it was far too easy to write on all the things that went wrong this year. The list could have been endless- but there were lessons learned in 2020. In fact, there were many positive takeaways from this crazy year. And here are the items that I am taking with me as we leave this year behind.

A life where love does

Three years ago, I read Bob Goff’s book, “Love Does.” Throughout this book, Goff shares personal stories that have changed his perceptive and thinking throughout his life. He commits to a life where he chooses to love everybody always. The book completely changed my entire outlook on life and I too decided that I was going to life a life where love does.

In 2020, I felt like we needed this more than ever. In a year that seemed to be filled with gray skies, we needed a little bit of sunshine. So, I tried to do just that. From sending little handwritten notes of encouragement to offering my photography services in ways that I could give back. For me to stay in a good head space, I needed to love others as much as possible this year.

Bob Goff also has a podcast called, “Dream Big.”  I would listen to an episode about once a week throughout this year. On one episode he chatted with Amy Grant and she said something that really stuck with me. While explaining one of her aspirations in life, Grant said, “I don’t plan to die with a savings account. I would like to die having been like a fire hose. A fire hose of generosity, that’s my dream.”

And that’s exactly how I felt about this year. And in regards to my life. I know that there is a purpose for everyone on this Earth. And I truly feel like mine is to help and love. And whether that is through financial support, emotional/listening support, or community service- I will do it. 

Gratitude

As I get older, I do often feel a sense of gratitude and thankfulness. So many people have helped me throughout my life. But this year, I felt more gratitude for the simple things in life. I was fortunate this year to have a job and to be able to provide a roof over my head. Many others were not. I remained fairly healthy throughout the year- while others did not. The point is that I am thankful to have what I have. And I recognize it all. 

I’m a photographer and it hit me this year that some of the photos I have taken of families were their last photos together. Some of those family members unfortunately passed away this year. And yes, that’s a part of life. But I am incredibly grateful and humbled to have been given the opportunity of documenting a milestone in their lives. To know that one day they will explain that family photo to another generation in their family means something to me.

If you lost a friend or a loved one in 2020, I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. And while my words will never be enough for what you are experiencing this year, please know that I am saying a prayer for you.

Music is the Ultimate Escape

Music is the ultimate escape and possibly the cure to many things. In 2020, I listened to a lot of music from past decades. At the beginning of the pandemic, I couldn’t stop listening to music from the 90s. Songs that I would listen to on car rides with my mom as a kid. Then, I started listening to a lot of oldies from the 60s. Now I am on to the 80s. I returned to mostly old music because of the nostalgia. Which I imagine many others did too during this year.

Taylor Swift released an album peak pandemic  called, “Folklore.” Instead of Swift writing from her usual personal narrative, she drew from inspirations of isolation and wrote songs that were told from different point of views. An album that truly fit 2020 because it was written in a sense of reflecting back on past years of life.

Then just five months later, she dropped a sister album titled, “Evermore.” This album continued the writing style that listeners were able to experience from Folklore. While listening to these albums, I often visioned the stories of the songs inside my head. In a way, they were albums of escapism. I’m not just saying this because I am a die hard Taylor Swift fan- but I feel as if these albums could be two of the best albums of 2020. If you haven’t listened to them yet- I encourage you to do so. Listen to each album from start to finish for your first listen....as you always should. (;

Health

When the pandemic first started, I spent a little too much time in the kitchen…..and at the Chick Fil A drive thru. I decided to really start working on my health, physically and mentally. I increased my workout routine by adding CrossFit into my life. I never really thought I would become one of those people who wakes up at 5:00 am to workout, but here we are-2020 baby. Since adding CrossFit into my life, I feel more energized than ever. It’s like a domino effect: You see results and feel better- so you slowly start to make other healthier changes throughout your lifestyle.

I started feeling really good mentally too. My head feels like it’s in a better mindset and space because of CrossFit. And here is where I get really honest- I struggle with loving myself sometimes. I am my biggest critic and can often be the meanest person to myself. I realized this year that in order for me to fully commit to a life of loving others, I could not possibly do that if I didn’t fully love myself. So, I have worked on changing the way I think and talk to myself. I am giving all of my fears and doubts to God and trying to spend less time controlling everything. I am learning to live a life of forgiveness and moving on from childhood insecurities.

This is something that I am always going to have to work hard at. And so many others struggle with this too. We just don’t talk about it enough. If you’re in the mental health boat, I am rooting for you.

Dolly Parton is the Queen

Do I really  have to explain this one? Growing up in East Tennessee, you almost are born into loving Dolly. I knew about her and liked her, but it wasn’t until the last year or two that I really realized how awesome she is.

Back in 2019, I listened to a podcast titled, “Dolly Parton’s America.” The podcast features interviews with Dolly, a visit to her actual Tennessee Mountain Home, and more. It was by far one of the best podcasts I have ever listened to and it made me really appreciate Dolly. From her childhood to her work ethic to her creativity. 

2020 worked hard, but Dolly Parton worked even harder. When most of the world seemed to pause, Dolly kept on doing what she does best: loving others and giving back. From donating money to help fund the COVID-19 Vaccine to continuing to support East Tennessee- she just kept on giving and giving.

I read an interview with Billboard Magazine where Dolly made the comment, “To whom much is given, much is required. So I look at my life with that every day and think that’s what God expects it of me. I expect it of myself and think people expect it of me. If I can be an inspiration, then I want to be that. That makes me feel good.”  And that really stuck with me for the majority of this past year.

Community

For the past couple of years, I have felt like I was in this strange relationship with my hometown. Part of me was not sure why I moved back after college, part of me wanted to establish myself, and part of me wanted to just move to a new city and start over.

But in 2020, I realized that I am completely content and happy with living back in my hometown of Clinton, Tennessee. The amount of people who have encouraged me and supported me as I have pursued my career and dreams has been incredible.

While reading another one of Bob Goff’s books (Yes, here I go again talking about Bob Goff), “Dream Big,” he said something about community that really spoke to me. He said, “As you pursue your ambitions, you’re going to need some hands to hold and some friends to love you so you don’t drift into open waters.” 

And that is exactly what 2020 brought to me- a community of people who completely listened to my crazy ideas and didn’t shut them down, but encouraged me and supported it.

My grandmother was the most influential person in my life. She had a strong love and dedication to Anderson County. Not only do I want to fulfill the legacy that she left behind, but I truly want to see my hometown thrive. I want to help it grow and I want to give back to a community that has given so much to me.

Learning to be Content

Throughout the past few years, I have craved the next big thing. I would achieve something off of my mental check list and instead of taking the time to enjoy it- I would be ready for the next thing. I have been working on changing my mindset and becoming more content with where I am at in life. By doing so, I feel as if I am more present and able to truly appreciate what I have.

If there’s anything we learned in 2020, is that life is too short. We take advantage of what we have. I don’t want to look back on a time in my life and think, “I wish I would have appreciated that longer. Wish I would have realized that was exactly what I needed.” 

Final Words

In Dream Big, Goff writes, “Our Legacy will be the amount of love and hope and encouragement we release into the world, our self-awareness and our other-awareness, and our willingness to adapt and adopt new approaches as we evolve.”

2020 was 100% that year. I can’t sit here and say it was completely terrible, because there were many teachable moments. But I can say that I am happy to say goodbye. In 2021, I plan on continuing to live a life where life does, listen to more Taylor Swift, read more Bob Goff, and hopefully step out of my comfort zone a bit more. I’m not sure what will happen, but I am ready for anything.

Cheers! 

Taylor 

[princeprettyshere]

Secret: Wasn't Worth It

Trigger warnings: This will definitely include emotional/mental/ and partly physical abuse, alcoholism, mention of non-con ( aka very much unsure but finally “convinced” and “talked” into sex. ) Also it’s really long, sorry about that. I just kept going.

There was one relationship Mattias could tell you all about, if he ever wanted to. The relationship where he first fell hard as a little lovesick teen. The relationship where he allowed himself to lose who he was. The relationship that ultimately showed him. The relationship that said ‘Maybe all of this “relationship” shit wasn’t nearly as nice and good as it was all cracked up to be.’

He had just turned 18, he was in a relationship with another guy, Elijah Taylor. He had met him after a workout at the gym, at the little cafe nearby. They had talked a bit, there was flirting, and the next thing he knew, he had a date for that night. Elijah was 24. He had the kind of face of a man you expect to see from one of this romantic, dumb and cheesy chick-flicks. Clean shave, short brown hair, eyes of amber brown with gold and green flecks in them. He had a slightly larger build than the younger. He was easily the kindest guys he’s met in a while. Why not give him the chance?

The first few months were full of laughter, companionship, night calls that lasted until the early morning hours of 2 or 3 am, surprise gifts of roses or tulips ( especially after Matt mentioned tulips being his favorite for the meaning of them ), and a strong connection. There was just one little flaw… one flaw that should have been Matt’s big red flag…

“You know, you could only get away with ______ because of how absolutely gorgeous you are.”

It had put the younger blond off at first, shocked him to hear. But right after came the laughter, that charismatic, loving kind of sound that was suppose to say “I didn’t mean any harm by it. I’m teasing cause I adore you.” That’s why Mattias brushed it off and laughed too. Because he was pretty…. what did he mean by that?

More months passed, and there were faint changes that began the closer they got…

Elijah started expressing when he didn’t think Matt should hang out with certain guys or girls that were his friends. Now that off put Matt immediately, what did Elijah have against his friends? The older male backtracked and explained, “I didn’t mean it like that. But you seem to hang out with them a little more than you do me…. I’m sorry, did I get a little jealous? You’re just so amazing, I can’t resist.” Oh. That made sense. Well, he had been with them a lot of times out of the week, maybe he had neglected his boyfriend a bit? The teen cut each of his friends out, little by little.

Elijah didn’t like seeing Mattias take control. What did he mean?! Being the eldest child, having a little sister he helped to take care of, he’s always had control! He had to be his own boss, make his own decisions, especially an executive one had the parents not been home. “No, no! I just mean I feel a little like maybe you don’t trust me to help you make a decision… I’m sorry, you just do so much already! I feel like I should help more, if you’ll let me.” Oh… that made sense. The teen always did have a bit of a control issue… he was just so careful in his planning, everything had to be perfect! Okay, okay… he did less, and less, as he included Elijah in his decisions…. Now he made none.

Elijah preferred this. He hated that. Every thing he said, he had a clever reason. Tyler had no idea, as he turned 19, 20, that Elijah had slowly but surely turned the pretty little blond into his own little dream. The older man had a perfect mold for the younger, and slowly he was pushing him to fit into that exact mold.

Two years had passed, Mattias was always assuring he was happy and gleeful, loving every moment of his relationship. His parents were worried, his younger sister was always questioning him. “Why did you do this? Why did you do that? Why don’t you talk to Erica/Marc/Anthony/Maggie/Livie/Julia/Jason/etc.?” It was becoming too much. He decided to move out completely. When he told Elijah that, the older man was quick to jump.

“Why don’t you just live with me? I love you, Mattie, you know I do. Let me take care of you.” Okay.

He moved into Elijah’s new home, three bedroom ( one master ), two bathroom, finished basement, an office space, open concept, hardwood floors… it felt perfect. This was exactly the kind of place Mattias had wanted, after all, his boyfriend knew that. That night, their first time together in the new home, the older male had wanted to take the next step. Matt wasn’t so sure.

“We’ve been together almost three years, babe! I just want to take the time to worship every part of you, make you feel good. I promise you won’t regret it.” Okay.

A few months after just moving in, Mattias was just turning 21, that’s when Elijah’s true colors really showed. That was when the drinking really started. The fights were out of control. The screaming, the yelling, the slamming of doors.

“Don’t you ever use that tone with me!”

“Shut the fuck up, Mattias, you have no idea what you’re talking about!”

“Don’t forget who pays for 90% of everything here!”

“You’re 21, I’m 27. Who do you think knows better?”

“Quit making my drinking out to be a damn problem. I can take care of myself.”

“QUIT ACTING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH!”

There were too many nights Matt had gone to the opposite end of the house, trying not to cry in front of Elijah. The older male found him. He always did. He always would. He’d hug him close and run his fingers through his hair.

“I’m sorry, babe. Never again. I promise. You know I love you so much. Work gets me so stressed out, but I have no right taking it out on you… please forgive me.” …..Okay.

It never stopped. It was just a vicious cycle. A few more months, and things got worse.

“Are you trying to be smart? Matt, you’re beautiful. A pretty face. Stick to that.” Wait…

“Sure hope no one busts up your face in the ring, what a tragedy that would be.” ’Just pretty’ right?

“You know, you never complain this much when I have you pinned against the bed/wall/counter/shower/etc. You should take to that side of you more.” Just… someone to fuck then? I’m more than that…. maybe I’m not.

“Do you ever shut the fuck up?” Just be quiet, and submissive…. stay out of his way…

Where was this in Relationships 101? What are all these rules now?

No plan ever goes right. And it’s always my fault.

If we’re late, it’s my fault. If a hotel room wasn’t booked properly, it was my fault. Cleaning wasn’t done? My fault. Anything between ABC-XYZ? My fault.

“You couldn’t leave if you wanted to. I’m the only one who gives a damn about you, Matt. You’re stuck with me. You’d never get out on your own.” …..Maybe he’s right.

The moment that woke him up came as simple as this. A fight that went too far. A fight that took that last step of escalation. The fight got physical. And after a sharp edge sliced across his left side, by his hip… That was the moment that finally made him realize… All of his ‘I love you’s were really 'I own you.’ ….No one. Owns. Me.

That night, after he knew for sure Elijah was completely asleep, he quietly grabbed a few things, his phone, made sure his side was bandaged properly… He called his parents, asking what he should do first. And he was sorry for not listening to them when they told him to be careful. They met with him, went to the police with him.

Elijah was taken in.

That was the end of their “story”, more like their war. And Matt won.

Not without leaving marks that last forever. Physical, like the scar on his side he covers with makeup to avoid all questions, and mental. Not without making it to where all Mattias could think about was this. Relationships may not even be worth my time. Don’t ever let them say 'I love you’…. it only means they want to own me. And I can’t do that again.

There’s really no one that knows. No one who knows that whole “Don’t touch me!” gimmick is more than just the supermodel look, but a real “If I don’t know you, you’re not my friend or a fan, keep your hands off me.” No one knows how deep his trust issues, his control issues actually go. Lie to him once, you almost never get him back. Try to change him, you will fail and you will be removed. Force him to tell….

You won’t see it coming.

[brittanylewert10]

@taylorswift gee Taylor... I honestly wonder why we haven't met yet? 🤔 we've hugged, we've touched hands, you liked a picture of mine on instagram and left it at that, Taylor nation liked two of my tweets, I've got lucky to see two shows of yours this year because I think I owed you for missing the last 2 tours... I didn't get to see you at the 1989 tour, but that Brian Mansfield was a hero during the 1989 era. He was tweeting me the night you both had a reunion backstage and Leona Lewis sang Bleeding Love with you. So technically I was there... Just not in person. I feel like I owe Brian my life.

There are times when I'm over thinking in a negative way: I'll look at how many fans that have met you and I think to myself: why hasn't she acknowledge that she sees my feed everywhere, follows me on tumblr, why haven't I been hand picked yet to attend a secret session, or why hasn't Taylor nation interacted with me on twitter anymore? Am I not as important than the fans who have met her more than once? Am I not as dedicated or special as most of them? Maybe she doesn't like me? Lol its a bit of a constant battle with myself because I get jealous easily. I've been through a lot of shit between the end of 2017 into the entire year of 2018. I got out of the most horrifying relationship you can think of. It only lasted 6 months or less. In fact I guess it wasn't really a relationship since I found out she was faking the entire time, cheated on me when I wasn't with her, I've spent so much money on someone that I loved; but she didn't deserve any of it. She used me for her benefit. She has material items I wont ever get back, and she's torn out a chunk of my self esteem I'll never get back in full. I've googled and youtubed signs of what she's done to me and my reputation. It all came down to her being a verbal abusive narcissist. There's people that have been with those kind of people for years, decades. I knew if I stayed, I would kill myself slowly from the inside out. I had to do what was safe for my health and leave when most women and men are too weak to. Iverbal I know now that lesbians and bi sexual women aren't meant to date. I don't get it. Why cant people stay committed to each other regardless if they have stressful times together? Why do people have to cheat or lie and fuck things up? That's why your album Reputation hits home for me. Between the songs "I did something bad" to "Delicate" it's like you knew everything I went through and had this handy just in time. I even related to "Out of the woods" and "Clean" from 1989 while I was going through the ending of being with her. The worst part is having the good moments haunting me while I keep reminding myself what she's done to affect me. I've dated other people after her, but the last one was just as bad as my ex was. I think after this one, I think its a sign I need to back off of dating and heal myself back up again. I just want to know why a lot of people are happy with someone and I'm here always messing up or have bad luck most of the time? Especially financially. I know being rich isn't the answer to happiness but all I would like is for God to punish someone else besides me. After I left my ex, I realized I started developing depression besides having anxiety. I felt relief but hurt at the same time. There were times when I honestly wished I could cry into your arms. I really miss your hugs.

On a positive note: I know we're meant to meet in person because each dream that I have had about meeting you, or seeing a show of yours, the more powerful and realistic the dream ora feels, I know something is happening. Or you have something really good planned up your sleeve. Each dream to me is a puzzle piece. The more I dream about the same thing, it ends up coming true in the future whether if its a week from now, a few months from now, or a few years from now. That's why I don't stop believing in destiny. I know you love and appreciate everything I do to support you, even if it may not be as much as some fans show it more than me I try my best to be a loyal fan and best friend to you as any other person would. Let's see what 2019 has in store for us. Please keep positive with me that I will continue to keep pushing forward and not always feel like giving up when I'm at the lowest point in my life and please take a moment each day until we meet and hug me in your mind? I love you so much home skillet! Cheers!