#why do i have to be her angel therapist who never gets sad or affected by her words and is

[spn-romantica]

So I watched SPN for years, right up until the end of S11, when they brought back Mary. I heard that S15 would be the last season, and I was like ‘oh ok I’ll rewatch (for like the 8th time) and finish SPN then’ BUT THEN 15x18 happened and I was violently pulled back into the SPN fandom. I still haven’t caught up fully watching yet, but I’ve read so much discourse now...and I have thoughts. Hypotheses currently. I’ll wait to finish the whole show for real to call any of this theories but, I wanted to record my thoughts.

They’re about Chuck. As a villain. Which weirds me out. As an antagonist? Sure. As evil? No. Can’t envision it. I just finished my rewatch of S5 and, damn, but if Chuck is the ultimate villain, S5 reads very differently. :0

But I recently saw a post comparing Dean’s reaction in 1x18 (I believe) to his in 10x05 (for sure) about when someone mentions his mother’s death. In 1x18, it’s Sam when they were children and Dean gets angry. In 10x05, it’s a group of high school girls and Dean just bops his head along to the song. The post was framing it as 10x05 not understanding Dean’s thoughts about his mother, but I think that both episodes understand Dean. When Dean is a child, the trauma over his mother’s murder is still fresh. By 10x05, the event is 70 years in the past. Of course it still affects Dean. Of course. You never really get over something like that. But I’d argue that after 70 years, Dean has moved through the stages of grief to acceptance. It still hurts, but like an old ache, not a fresh, still-bleeding wound.

Interestingly, 10x05 is when we see Chuck, after a long absence. He’s watching the play, probably happy that someone loves his work enough to even make a musical, but he is also watching the Winchesters. The actual episodes of the show, aka the books Chuck writes, are what Chuck knows/cares about regarding the Winchesters. Despite being God, I’d argue he doesn’t pay attention to every second and all the little minutia of the boys’ lives. So, here in 10x05, we have confirmation that Chuck is around to see that Dean has healed from his mother’s death.

Later, in S11, Dean acts as therapist/life counsellor to Chuck/God, regarding Amara and Lucifer. And it works! Dean teaches God about family and about healing. Why does God listen to Dean Winchester, a random human? Perhaps it is because of S1-5. Perhaps it is because Dean and Sam were part of God’s test, as God himself describes it in 5x22.

What was the test? Was it God’s experiment about choice and free will? About freedom vs peace? Or, perhaps, was God trying to understand sibling relationships? He and Amara are two faces of the same coin. They are siblings, but with very different outlooks and it caused a rift between them, caused Chuck to seal Amara away before she could destroy his creations. Chuck regretted this, but saw it as a necessary betrayal. But then, some time later, Chuck’s angelic children experience their own betrayal and sibling rift. Lucifer tries to turn the angels against God, rebel and reject God. He makes demons, for sure, and maybe even Hell. But why? God figures that Lucifer was maybe jealous of the new baby (humans) like others in the show postulates. Or maybe Lucifer had beef specifically with Michael, because humans are little more than amoebas from an angelic perspective. Aside from Castiel, Anna and a handful of other angels, angels consistently view humans as humans might view dust mites. Maybe humans were the cause of the rift between Michael and Lucifer, but it was Michael and Lucifer’s relationship that needed fixing in the end, regardless.

So God is left with the sad conclusion that maybe close siblings will inevitably betray each other and be unable to forgive and heal. He wants to heal with Amara. But he also wants Michael and Lucifer to be able to heal. (It doesn’t occur to God that maybe Lucifer’s problem was never with humanity or Michael; it was with God.)

So God has research to do, to see if it’s possible for siblings to experience such deep betrayal and still heal. He turns to his little hairless apes, the only sentient species on Earth with potential to parallel the angels. He starts testing siblings. Cain and Abel are first up. Needless to say, but the betrayal was too strong and left no room for healing. But on down the line of Cain, God continues testing. Eventually, we come to Sam and Dean.

God has scheduled Michael and Lucifer’s family counselling session for 2010. All the data up to this point says it can only end badly. Maybe it’ll half-kill the Earth, but it’s finally time for Michael and Lucifer to meet and for one of them to die. God isn’t happy about this conclusion, but it’s what the data says. So, finally, the last test subjects, the last in the line who will be the vessels for Michael and Lucifer’s showdown, arrive. Sam and Dean Winchester are to be the last sibling test. The conclusion seems foregone at this point, but there is no point in cancelling the last bit of the test after so long, so it continues. God watches. And Sam and Dean surprise God. Siblings after siblings had failed for millennia to heal. Betrayals too strong, healing too little, too late. But Sam and Dean. no matter how badly they hurt each other, find a way to come back together and heal. They don’t give up on each other, despite millennia of data to the contrary. Still, the angels and demons push and push at Sam and Dean until their rift is as wide and as deep as Michael and Lucifer’s, as God’s and Amara’s (in late S4). It seems, despite the brothers’ best efforts earlier on, it’s all for naught.

But there is a further element of randomness, something God couldn’t foresee. Castiel. God hasn’t had occasion for romantic love in his own experience, so he is entirely blind to what choices Castiel is likely to make. He provides an element of randomness to the experiment, an essential part that gives Dean the ultimate chance to go back to Sam and begin to heal (4x22).

Throughout S5, Sam and Dean heal. There is hurt, still, of course, but they love each other and forgive each other. By 5x22, they’ve surprised everyone. Even the angels have given up on turning them against each other, and have shrugged and settled for using Nick and Adam as the vessels for the showdown. Sam and Dean passed their test. They were siblings who betrayed each other and healed from it. God reconsiders how family counselling will go with Michael and Lucifer. He figured it would be the Apocalypse, the end of the problems between Michael and Lucifer, as one of them dies, as had always happened before. But, Sam and Dean showed God, that though it is rare, it is possible to heal. So God gives Sam and Dean an out. He gives Sam the strength to seize back control from Lucifer, should things go south.

Finally, the showdown arrives. Michael and Lucifer meet. They talk things out. To God’s surprise, Lucifer reveals that he never had a problem with Michael. He had forgiven Michael long ago. But Michael couldn’t forgive Lucifer. He had to be a ‘good son’ and do what he thought God wanted him to do. But Michael didn’t realise, that God doesn’t give orders. Free will all the way, baby! But the whole thing comes as a surprise. Apparently, all this time, the problem relationship wasn’t siblings, it was parents.

Oops.

Good thing God had a back-up plan.

Sam throws himself and Lucifer (and Michael and Adam) into the Cage. Michael and Lucifer have an eternity to figure things out between each other now. But that’s beside the point. The point is, now, that God has to start testing all over again. Not how to fix sibling relationships, but how to fix parent-child relationships.

God restores Castiel, perhaps for a few reasons because God exists outside of time, but originally it may have been just for one. He likes Castiel. He is impressed that Castiel invented free will for himself, broke free of angelic programming (multiple times over), and did it all for love. It’s novel. It’s interesting. God might even think it’s sweet. But God has had time later, and thought about it, and he has a plan. And Castiel is essential.

But Dean Winchester is the key.

Sam and Dean’s relationship with their own father has been strained, but both boys find a way to forgive John his flaws and failings, and love him. Whenever they do get a chance to see him again, post his death, they don’t hate him. They’ve healed. John’s relationship with Sam and Dean is one point of data, Abraham and Isaac another. There are many data points that God can reflect back on and consider.

But as S6 through S10 roll on, God watches Sam and Dean and Castiel. He even watches Crowley and Rowena for another data point. Dean is his main focus, however. (This is a little meta, but as the story focuses more on Dean than Sam post S5, it ties in. Prior to S6, both Sam and Dean were essential - the sibling test. Now, post S5, the parent test, Dean is the most essential. Of course, Sam and Castiel are important too. But Dean is key.)

Dean is a good father. He was a good father to Sam, even when he was only 6 years old himself. He was a good father to Ben. He was willing to die for Bobby John. He’s always good with kids. Not only that, but Dean is blunt enough, brave enough, and crazy enough to tell God to God’s face what he thinks. God needs Dean’s advice, his perspective and opinion on family relationships, but he also needs to see what Dean would do if he were in God’s shoes.

[Edit (1/04/21): After seeing Michael and Lucifer (mostly) heal, and after seeing Sam and Dean heal their relationship, God finally has hope for him and Amara. So God logically wants to retrieve Amara from her prison. But how? Well, he could just wander on up to Cain and do it himself, but what would Amara say? “So I see you’ve come crawling back, eh, Chucky?” She wouldn’t be impressed with God. She wouldn’t understand, because she’s hopeless too. SO how to give her hope? How to make her see that she and God can be okay again? Why, stick her near Dean Winchester, of course! So God sets things up for Dean to get and lose the Mark of Cain, thereby ensuring that Amara will feel a connection to Dean and stick around him/keep him alive long enough for Dean to work his life-coach magic.]

In S11, God and Amara heal their relationship because of the hope Sam and Dean gave God, and also the direct advice Dean gives God. God and Lucifer, not so much.

God needs more data. He needs to see what Dean would do. In comes Castiel’s relevance. God sets things up so that Lucifer can have a son. A nephil. Jack. And God points Castiel in Jack’s direction, trusting Castiel’s ability for unconditional love to keep Jack alive long enough for the experiment. Castiel becomes Jack’s father. But Castiel will never betray Jack, the way God betrayed Lucifer. And, besides, Castiel isn’t the target of this experiment. But it is Castiel’s relationship with Dean Winchester that provides the link needed to get the experiment rolling.

Because Jack is Castiel’s son, he is therefore Sam and Dean’s nephew. Except, God has been watching Castiel and Dean. And, frankly, their romantic love for each other is so obvious even God cannot miss it. Through Castiel, Dean sees Jack as his son too. He loves Jack, exactly like a son. In this way, Dean parallels God, and Jack parallels Lucifer.

But God knows Dean would not easily turn on any child, let alone his own child. So God had a plan for that too. One that Amara helped him with.

They brought back Mary Winchester.

Mary is the one person in existence whose loss would hurt Dean enough to spur him to action. So, she was brought back to die. It was a matter of only a few years of gentle prodding to get everything in position. Jack causes Mary’s death. Dean is faced with a horrible decision. If Jack can kill Mary, what’s to say that Sam and Castiel wouldn’t be next? Mary’s death is like everything beginning all over again for Dean as well. Her first death set off a chain reaction, a series of unfortunate events that spanned decades and nearly caused the ruination of not only Dean’s life, but Sam’s and John’s and even the world. That scar, which had healed as well as it could after 70 years, that God saw was healed in 10x05, has been violently opened up again. It’s the only thing that could force Dean’s hand, that could get him to betray Jack and try to kill him. If Jack had killed Sam or Castiel, it wouldn’t have had the same effect. Both Sam and Castiel had died and come back so many times, and while it would hurt Dean and make him doubt Jack, their deaths would be a sacrifice that Dean would feel obligated to respect, to give Jack a second chance like they would both want. (And God has been laying the groundwork for Dean, convincing him that Jack is evil, will be evil like Lucifer, can’t be allowed to live. All things God has thought about Lucifer over time. Was Lucifer inherently evil? Was their rift inevitable?)

So, here it is. The big test. Will Dean kill Jack? Will he betray Jack and cause an unhealable rift? Or will he find a way to heal, like he did with Sam against all the odds?

And, once again, Dean impresses God. He refuses to kill Jack.

But now we’re in the endgame. Sam, Dean and Castiel are aware that Jack’s life was only on the line because of God. It’s not something they can forgive, or understand. They’re all God’s guinea pigs, and while he loves his guinea pigs, he knows he’s hurt them in the name of science, of knowledge. or healing, and God can’t undo what he’s done. Free will is linear, after all. So it is time for the Winchesters, Castiel and Jack included, to be done with God. God is done with them, too. It’s time for them to be free and at peace. The experiments are done. God has decided not to kill Lucifer. He has decided to try to heal. He can get Lucifer out of the Empty and talk and try to fix things. He has forever to fix things, now that he knows he can. (The last element of this, Jack forgiving Dean for trying to kill him, is something I have limited knowledge of, but I am under the impression happens so... To be added in the edit once I finish the series.)

But the only way the Winchesters will be able to rest, is if they think God, the last and greatest villain, is out of the way. They know they’ve been manipulated their whole lives, first towards the sibling experiment and now the parent experiment, so they need to think God is gone so they can feel secure in their free will once more. Truthfully, God never took their free will. He set them up in situations, maybe even gave a bio-chemical nudge of anger (Dean) or attraction (Sam and Eileen) every now and then. But the choices were always theirs. Still, God knows they won’t see it that way. So he sets things up so that they can defeat him.

He lets them win. He wants them to win. They cannot defeat God, after all. It’s not God’s time, and Death is the only one who can claim God in the end, as the two embrace as friends and walk to the next existence. But the Winchesters need this, and so God allows it. A last gift, to the beings who have been such help, hope and inspiration to him.

With an eye for an eventual S16, 15x20 is written to be ‘an ending’ but also one that could easily be reframed as a bad dream.

For example...

Unfortunately, after Jack, suped up on a extra Grace God lent him, restores the Earth and expends all the Grace (”giving up the mantle of God so that their is no God, no plans, only Free Will”), and Dean, Sam and Jack head back to the Bunker to regroup and gather the ingredients to do the spell to rescue Castiel from the Empty, they’re jumped by monsters who are angry with how much God has fucked with them on behalf of the Winchesters. 15x20 is all a djinn dream Dean is trapped in.

16x01 is Dean waking himself up from the djinn dream, Sam and Jack escaping their own monsters, and then the end of 16x01 is Dean saying something about waking Castiel up from his own dreams in the Empty. The rest of S16 sees the boys save Castiel, reunite with Eileen, start a monster-hunting Bobby Singer/Men of Letters-esque organisation, Dean and Castiel getting together and getting married on Valentine’s Day, Jack getting to live a normal life, going to school, making friends, etc.

If their is no S16 ever (which would be criminal), then 15x20 makes no sense, unless it is plainly a recount of an old, hopeless ending written by God. However you spin it, 15x20 is not the way it seems (like owls).

All things being said, God is an antagonist, but he’s not evil. He’s an asshole, sure, but he never once worked against the Winchesters, never bet against them, never tried to erase or end them. He wanted them to win. He wanted to see the fruits of free will be love, second chances, hope, forgiveness, healing, and happiness, not just betrayal, pain, selfishness, jealousy, disappointment, and hopelessness.

Why is the ending he shows Becky ‘hopeless’? Because God is. He has spent his long existence losing his most loved family members. Amara, Lucifer. How can things end well for God, when they can’t even end well for humans? But Sam and Dean defy the script, again and again. They surprise God, defying the statistics, defying the hypotheses, throwing the experiment into disarray. Giving God hope. Sam and Dean were okay. Dean and Jack were okay. If God had a romantic love, he would find hope from Dean and Castiel being okay. But when God wrote the book he showed Becky, he was writing what he thought would happen. In the end, surely, not even Dean can be enough to hold Sam and Cas and Jack together. But in the end, as we see, as God sees, he is proven wrong and he’s happy to be wrong. He’s hopeful. And he can leave Dean, Sam, Castiel and Jack, and all the angels and all the humans, to rule the Earth and the Heavens. He doesn’t need to learn anything more from them, so he heads to the Empty, with Amara, with Lucifer, with Death (Billie or not, Death is there for God in the end), and they can all depart for a better existence of their own.

If you read all of this, thanks! I eagerly anticipate watching the remaining 10 seasons so I can come back and edit the heck outta this, but until then, if y’all have any thoughts, I’d be interested to hear them~

TLDR: God is a morally bankrupt scientist and the Winchesters are his guinea pigs, but he’s not evil and he does love his guinea pigs, even if he could really treat them nicer.

[evermorehaikyuu]

It’s Nothing Special

MASTERLIST

DECLARATION OF INVITATION | AGREE TO DISAGREE | BREAKING NEWS

~

The only sounds heard as she walked alongside the empty roads were the crickets chirping in the same rhythm as her heartbeat, her footsteps, seeming a little too loud and giving everyone her location, and her shaky exhales. Clearly, this was a bad idea, the worst one she’d had. 

However, while it was a stupid thing to do, there was still a part of nobility within her. Would she sacrifice her life out of compassion? That was genuinely a question she had had for herself before but at the unknown number’s taunts about Tsukishima, she found herself walking towards her inevitable doom. It was the only thing to do if it meant that Unknown wouldn’t lay his hands on Karasuno, considering that it was sort of her fault that she was in this position. 

At that thought, Y/N frowned. It isn’t my fault, she thought, none of it is. I did nothing. I’m just doing what anyone would do, that’s a ridiculous idea. She stopped trying to blame herself, knowing that she wasn’t at all to blame. It wasn’t her fault that some psychotic bastard with a double face was trying to ruin her. Sighing, she clutched her jacket closer to her. It wasn’t cold; on the contrary, the atmosphere around her was warm. She was the only one that felt a chill creeping up her arms and down her spine. 

It was also fortunate that there was a pocket on the inside of her jacket with a knife in it. If push came to shove...she could claim that it was in self defense. She even had evidence. Thank every star above that Ushijima had taught her the basics of knife throwing and of specific locations she could target in order to get maximum damage. 

Shaking away the worst case scenario from her head, she could feel her face scrunch up from worry. Already she sensed Kaori telling her that if she kept doing that, she’d get wrinkles before she was supposed to. The thought of her team made her smile slightly, the only beacon of light inside of her place of darkness, literally. 

Hopping over the roots of a tree, she could tell that she was closer to the concert stage where the unknown had told her to meet her. Swallowing dryly, she could see the stage with the stairs on the side. In the wings should’ve been speakers and extra source fours, but it just looked as empty as it felt. The feeling of being alone quickly stopped, making Y/N freeze in her tracks. Someone was there with her, watching her. 

I’ve watched enough horror movies not to call out and I have enough sense, Y/N told herself silently. Her phone vibrated in her pocket and pulling it out, there was a new message from Unknown. All it said was, Take your final guess. That meant she had to talk. Groaning internally, she took a deep breath and said, “I’m not guessing until you talk.” 

Nothing. Her phone pinged again with another message. You’re not the one making orders here. 

“All right. Guess I’ll sit here and wait. I don’t mind.” Y/N could’ve grinned, knowing she was pissing off Unknown. While that would’ve terrified her, she did acknowledge that this person liked the sound of their own voice and ensuring that their victim was sitting there listening to them. There was no way Unknown would try to kill her without a dramatic monologue before hand. “Any second now. I will take a nap right here, don’t tempt me, I’m dead tired.”

“You think you can actually hide your fear?” 

With that sentence, Y/N knew she couldn’t anymore. Her heart dropped to the floor and she felt dizzy, her vision dotted with black spots. This couldn’t be. Of all people, it couldn’t be who she thought it was. 

“I’ll say it again. Take your final guess. And don’t you dare turn. Don’t make a move, I can see you clearly from here.” 

Trying to locate the sound was the first thing on her mind, shoved aside by the insistence of figuring out who it was. Clenching her fists, she took a deep breath and said, “You’re Yuki.” 

A pause. The fear of being wrong struck her hard and she was shaking where she stood until she heard laughter. It started off slow before getting loud enough to make her stare at the stage, her brain going haywire with possibilities. Was that Yuki? Could that be Yuki? The voice was alike, so there was a high chance of that happening. What if Yuki had a twin brother? No, that was impossible, she’d know about it. She knew everything about her team so the fact that Yuki had a twin brother couldn’t possibly escape from her knowledge. 

Could it? 

Closing her eyes, she focused on the area around her. The concert stage was certainly big and it gave Yuki--if it was him--an advantage. His voice would echo slightly, making it more difficult to find out his position. In order to be able to take him down, she needed to find that out first and then make a path to get to him. The predominant question now was if she was strong enough to handle him. If she lied to herself and said she could hold him down, she knew that there was not a snowball’s chance in hell she’d be able to do that. The only thing to do was not panic, find his weak points and attack him when he least expects it. For now, she wanted to see if her answer was right. 

If she was wrong, she knew that she’d be the one attacked first, followed by Karasuno. She could put up a fight, she just needed time. Time to stall, time to form a plan, as many as should could within a short time limit. Regret flooded through her, realizing that she never really got to say anything back to her team. The last thing she told Sakura was a lie. She was afraid. Something was going to happen her. A walk? No. It was a walk to her demise. 

“I guess you’re not as dumb as you look, Y/N. I’m pleasantly surprised.” Yuki’s slightly singsongy voice rang through the area, relaxing her the tiniest bit. She had time. She won. 

Her eyes were flickering everywhere as she did two things at once: she had to find him and she had to stall for time in order to do that. Make that three things: she needed a plan for the end result. 

“Yes, it is me. The unknown addess is me, Yuki. I guess now you’re wondering why I did what I did.” His tone of voice had a clear air of importance as if expecting Y/N to agree with him. 

In reality, Y/N couldn’t care less and she made sure her heard that. “Not really, but continue, seeing you like the sound of your own voice.”

“Not as much as you.” There was a clicking sound and Y/N could feel her blood go cold. Did he have a weapon with him? Oh no. Oh no no no. This was not part of her plan. Her only hope, in the last case resort, was that he had horrible aim. Which, she thought, he probably doesn’t. 

“So? Explain to me. Why are you doing this?” Her voice had an edge of terror and she instantly winced at the sound.

“Actually, I’d like for you to answer that. You think you’re so smart and great, but I bet you can’t answer it for me. Don’t worry. Get anything wrong and I won’t attack you.” 

Sighing, Y/N touched her right temple, her middle finger sliding down the side of her face slowly as she started thinking. Once she had an idea, she started speaking. “You have said a lot of things of your family background but not enough so as to make you seem vulnerable. That’s a sign of trauma. You hide everything behind a mask so that you can’t show what you’re actually feeling. After your failure--” She felt him tense up and that’s when she knew his guard was breaking slowly. “Your parents had considered you as such. You were no longer allowed to show bad feelings and forced to always be happy and controllable. When you saw me and you knew about my own parents, you wanted me to suffer like you did in some way because I don’t deserve what I have. I shouldn’t have gotten my position with the affection that you never received. That was unfair to you and for that, you wanted to make sure that if you couldn’t get what you wanted, no one else could. It didn’t help either that I rose to the top, thanks to Semi’s parents.” 

The gun clicked again but Y/N didn’t move. His guard was down. She could move if she wanted to. However, Yuki was one of her friends. She had to hear him out before going after him. While it was stupid to do, she had already planned her way out. All she needed was for him to talk. 

“You’re not wrong.” A laugh came out of him, but it wasn’t as boisterous as before nor was it malicious. It was the sound of someone that was tired of having nothing they did matter. “None of it. Yeah, I put a mask on. I was never allowed to be angry or sad or fearful. I was supposed to be the one that was always there, the therapist, you could say. None of you ever treated me like that. But that’s also the thing, why do you of all people get to have what I wanted? You should’ve been thrown aside.”

“I should’ve. I know.” 

“Why then? What do you have that I don’t?” For the fourth time, the gun clicked back into a deadly position. “Why is it always everyone but me? I shouldn’t be the one that’s left behind!” His voice rose into a scream, desperate and calling for help, but he was too far gone. “I’m always the one that’s not enough, I can’t even measure up to Sakura! She’s just an intern, but already everyone worships her just like they worship you! Even Karasuno, who became a prestigious company, started to love you before you had even met! Why can I never have what I deserve?!” 

A twinge of pain prodded at her heart, almost feeling sorry for him. But her life was at his mercy and there was no way she wasn’t getting out of there. “You can. You are enough, Yuki.”

“I don’t want to hear it from you! You’re the angel, the perfect one, the one that can do no wrong! Your words are meaningless!” Yuki’s voice cracked at the last word and she could sense tears emerging from him. That was it. Someone who was crying wouldn’t be able to see straight. Even a second was enough time for her to move. 

“I’m so sorry, Yuki.”

“Your apologies mean nothing to me either,” he spat, his words like venom, “especially since you were able to get what everyone dreams about, what I dreamt about. It’s better if you weren’t even here.” 

Y/N’s eyes widened and that’s when she could feel herself moving before she could think. There was a sizzling hole right where she was standing as she fled into the bushes, her heart racing so fast she couldn’t even feel it. She was positive Yuki could hear it though. 

“Where are you? Come on out, Y/N, we’re not done yet. I was the one to write what launched you, the least you could do is grant me this favor.” Yuki sounded hysterical now as he started walking. His footsteps were quiet and Y/N strained to hear him, taking out the knife from the inside of her pocket. This was it. If she messed up, she could either be in the hospital or worse. 

Something prickled at the back of her neck and she quickly left her spot. In the same place she was in, another dark hole appeared on the ground. She was glad that her reflexes were great, but she knew that this wasn’t a movie. There was no knowing if she’d make it out alive. 

“I can’t believe you. Everything you’ve ever done, all stolen. From me. Don’t you think that’s pathetic on its own?” 

No, that’s not the pathetic part, here, she thought. Trying to go after me and threaten innocent people that didn’t have anything to do with it. 

Staring around, she cursed herself for not even knowing basic knowledge of the area around her. Then again, it wasn’t her fault. She didn’t know she’d have to literally fight for her life. If only she hadn’t listened to Semi when they were little and learned how to climb trees, she’d have an edge. All she had was--

There were more footsteps coming from the opposite direction of her, the exact one she came in. She could hear Yuki say something only to be cut off with a yelp and another click, all too familiar. There was a scuffle, grunts, followed by other footsteps. 

“Y/N? Y/N, where are you?”

Those voices. They were coming from Kaori and Yukie, but how? She didn’t tell them where she’d be--that was right, she had her phone with her and her location on. This was the exact time were she was grateful she had it ahead of time. 

Stepping out into the clearing, Kaori and Yukie found her and immediately hugged her tightly. Y/N didn’t even feel herself shaking until she was in their arms, trembling with terror of what could have happened. “Oh, thank God. I didn’t--I just--” Y/N couldn’t speak, because if she kept trying, she knew she’d burst into tears. 

“We know. Don’t say anything, take your time.” Yukie said soothingly and that was enough to make Y/N bury her face in her shoulder, trying to hide the tears that were inevitably coming out. 

Behind them was Hikari pinning Yuki down, Suki pointing a knife at him. What Y/N would find out later was that Suki was the one to find him first and during the entire struggle, she had had a dagger in her hand. Yuki, however, was stronger and bent on getting his revenge. Even with those injuries, he was still trying his hardest to get out from under Hikari. Sakura was on the sides, calling the ambulance for Yuki and so that they could check on Y/N. Considering what happened to her and what she’d have to deal with later, it was better to try and see if the medics would say anything beforehand. 

Flashes of red made the entire world spin and Y/N let her managers lead her as she closed her eyes, nauseous from the spinning lights. The only thing she wanted to know was sleep. While she knew that when she woke up she’d have to deal with a ton of things, the temptation of sleep was much stronger. Once her checkup was done, she made sure to stay with Kaori, who was in the ambulance with Yuki’s unconscious body. The paramedics had said that his remaining energy had gone to his struggling and that made him lose consciousness. He’d be awake in a few hours, which would give everyone enough time to figure out their next steps. 

“This isn’t going to be pretty.” Suki mumbled to herself in Hikari’s passenger seat. 

“Yeah,” he said, his face pale as he tried to process what had just happened. “She’s not going to be the same after this.”

“We just have to do our best to help her.”

It was fortunate that Sakura was a light sleeper and Y/N had her location on at all times. They didn’t want to think about what would’ve happened if neither of these things were available to them. 

“Hey, Kaori?” Y/N asked, staring down at Yuki.

“What?”

“Do you think you can try to figure out more about him? Please?” It was clear in her voice that while she didn’t want to be anywhere near him, she wanted to know what was wrong with him, what would happen and what happened in his past. 

With a nod of assent, Kaori was also aware that Y/N wouldn’t be the same after this incident. But as she glanced at the girl next to her, she realized that she was strong enough to pull through. The contribution of time would help her be okay.

~

Originally this was gonna be in smau format but then I realized that would take away the actual feeling of suspense so ig we're having two fics in an smau <3

Taglist: @chocolaterumble @ghostdaichi @akaashikeillmepls @goopycookie @halparkebitch @nctdream-boat @laninasinnombre @nataliahaslosthershit @words-in-air @virgoamajiki @paranoid-borderline-insane @mirikusashes @mint-mai @noyasimp @24nah25 @definitely-yours @chesirecatwaltz @theydy-madamonsieur @lilsimp @eruji-chan-pb @kiraakaashi @trifliz @nightshadeshimin @kac-chowsballs @its-the-aerieljeane @hqreisin @channiechanchan @watermelon-sugar-is-my-drugs @bakugouswh0r3 @rizkei-iscurrentlydying @so-lo-stuff @jewlmin @kotarousbabyowl @lumin3xe @artemisnotfowl @random-fandom-girl-24 @darkangeldesignstudio @vhsryuu @chaotic-fangirl-blog @tycrackculture @4ck3rm4ns1mp @stupendousbonkcopland @bwnwlut @encryptpta

Send in an ask or DM me if you want to be on the taglist! Let me know if you’ve changed your URL; you will be crossed out if I am unable to tag you!

[tchallasbabymama]

The Temple- Chapter 1/?

N’Jadaka x OC

A/N: I thought this was going to be a two parter, but now it’s looking like maaaaybe 3? I’m just now getting back into my writing and forgot how longwinded I can be lol. Enjoy! 

CW: short mention of suicidal ideation

Previous chapter: Prologue

3256 Words

N’Jadaka’s eyes blinked open and he was met with yet another day in Wakanda. This one was a little different than all his other mornings there because it was the first time he got to wake up in his own bed in his own quarters (outside of that one day he was king.) N’Jadaka had spent the last three months in a psychiatric treatment facility working on his anger and mental health issues. When he woke up after the civil war he caused he was livid. He had wanted to die on that mountain and unfortunately the feeling didn’t leave him until about a month into his treatment. He felt he had nothing to live for since his entire life’s work had gone up in flames before his eyes. He accomplished his one goal in life only to have it snatched back from him a day later. Everything important to him in his life had been taken from him and he felt he had nothing else to live for, so his cousin, King T’Challa, arranged for N’Jadaka to spend some time at Ithemba Center for Mental Wellness. 

He would never admit it out loud, but N’Jadaka was scared to go to Ithemba. He thought his stint as king would have turned Wakandans against him, but it did the opposite. The royal family had decided that transparency was the best policy and did a press conference explaining the entire situation to the people. T’Challa explained what had happened between his father and uncle, what the prince’s life had been like up to that point, and the fact that while he did usurp the throne he did it the right way according to Wakandan law so he wouldn't be charged with treason. The people of Wakanda were shocked, but welcomed their new prince with open arms. He wasn’t aware of the new developments because he was still resting in a healing pod in Shuri’s lab at the time, but when he went to Ithemba he was surprised to find out that everybody already knew him and was more than willing to help him. N’Jadaka hadn’t received that much care and attention since he was a child and he didn't really know how to handle it. It took him weeks to learn how to open himself to others, and it wasn’t until his last month of treatment that he even began opening himself up to the other patients in group therapy.

N’Jadaka’s main therapist was a woman named Ife. She reminded him so much of his mother that he had almost no choice but to open himself to her, crying in her lap during their first couple sessions. Ife had been incredibly patient with the emotional yet emotionally repressed prince, allowing him to work through his overwhelming feelings of anger, sadness, and hurt. 

His time with Ife and the other patients at the center had been incredibly healing and he felt like a new man. He still felt like he had a ways to go, and he could tell he needed something, but couldn’t figure out what. His healing didn’t feel anywhere close to being done.

A knock at the door interrupted his morning laziness.

“Ngena.”

In walked the king of Wakanda flanked by two of his Dora Milaje, who he politely dismissed to stand outside the door. He walked across the room and sat in the plush velvet wingback chair by the full bookshelves.

“Sup man?” N’Jadaka barely opened his eyes to speak to his cousin. The bed was too comfortable.

“My apologies cousin, did I wake you?”

“Nah I’m up, this bed just won’t let me go.”

T’Challa chuckled at his cousin’s laziness. He completely understood, the beds were the most comfortable beds he’d experienced in all of his travels and time abroad in school. 

“I just wanted to formally invite you to attend breakfast at 9. It’s casual, just family and whatever few friends are staying in the palace with us at the time. M’Baku will be joining us today.”

“The gorilla nigga?”

T’Challa tried and failed to stifle his laughter, which quickly spread to his slightly younger cousin.

“Yes the gorilla nigga.”

“Ooooh I’m telling M’Baku you said that. Better yet, I’m telling Auntie.”

“I’d really rather you not.”

N’Jadaka chuckled and wondered if this is how it always would’ve been if they had grown up together. The thought was more bitter than sweet, so he pushed it aside for the time being. 

“Maybe just this once.”

T’Challa grinned at his cousin and he also wondered how life would’ve been had they known each other their whole lives.

“Thank you. Oh and get up, it’s already 8:30” T’Challa stood and walked towards the door.

“These damn beds…” N’Jadaka shook his head and reluctantly flung the sheet back and swung his legs over the side of his bed, completely forgetting he slept naked. He rushed to cover himself in the king’s presence.

“Shit, my bad, man.” 

“For…?”

“Nigga I got my dick swinging!”

“You’re sorry for being naked? Wh- oh that’s right. We aren’t puritanical like you are used to in America. Nudity isn't scandalous here, it’s just a body. But I will leave and let you get ready. See you, umzala.”

N’Jadaka stood there shocked. He knew of Wakandan culture, but experiencing it was going to be an adjustment. Just how different were they? They were never affected by colonization so the oppressive white supremacist ideology wouldn’t exist there. He had a lot of unlearning to do and a lot of questions to ask his family.

He eventually shook himself out of his thoughts and made his way to the en suite bathroom. He turned on the shower using the touchpad and the water fell from the ceiling like rain. He scrubbed down in the vanilla chai body wash he had requested and afterwards he covered his skin in shea butter. He walked into his enormous closet and stood there overwhelmed at the choices. His inner child wanted to throw a fit for everything he’d missed out on, but N’Jadaka took a deep breath to center himself before walking over to the section of clothes that he recognized. He was so nervous about breakfast he almost dressed to impress, but then he remembered T’Challa’s words and casual outfit. He grabbed his Lost Tribe hoodie and threw on his favorite black jeans and his Timbs. He swooped all his locs to one side of his head and threw on his gold glasses. N’Jadaka took a deep breath and walked towards the door.

“Chill out...it’ll be fine.”

The guards stationed outside his door directed him to the dining room where he was met with the smiling faces of his family members. Ramonda was the first to notice he’d entered the room..

“Mholo, umtshana!”

She met him for a hug and kissed his cheek. He smiled so hard his dimples looked deeper than ever and he hugged her back.

“Mornin, Auntie. T, Lil Bit, Charlie’s Angel, Big Man.” N’Jadaka greeted his cousins, Nakia, and M’Baku.

Yet again, T’Challa failed to stifle a laugh, which he tried to play off with a cough. Nakia lightly backhanded his chest and sucked her teeth at him. 

“Little bit? Don't start with me, bubble wrap!”

“Who is Charlie and why am I their angel?”

“That is not my name.”

Shuri, Nakia, and M’Baku spoke over each other.

Thankfully the queen mother was there to settle the children down right as the food was being brought out. N’Jadaka looked at the table and was surprised to see that Ramonda was seated next to T’Challa and that the only empty seat was at the end of the table. 

The king noticed N’Jadaka’s nervousness as he watched him sit down gingerly and take in his surroundings. 

“So N’Jadaka, how was your first night in the palace? Our beds are the most comfortable in the world.”

“Auntie, I almost didn’t come to breakfast. That bed had a hold on me.”

“You must come visit my people sometimes. If you think you sleep good here, wait until you have the crisp mountain air-”

“Nah lemme stop you right there. Crisp is code for cold, and I don't do that shit. Sorry Auntie.”

“I don't do that shit either. When I was staying there I shivered the whole time, even with the beautiful furs and blankets! I’m just not built for the cold.”

N’Jadaka grimaced at the mention of his time as a burgeoning world dictator. He was thankful nobody noticed.

He was also thankful for the large platters of food the kitchen staff came and sat in front of them. They passed the food around the table and soon enough there was silence as everyone dug into what N’Jadaka would later describe as the best meal he ever had.

After breakfast, the three men retired to T’Challa’s office while the princess hurried off to her lab, Nakia disappeared, and Ramonda tended to her garden. 

“So, N’Jadaka...I wanted to talk to you about a few things-”

“Then why is Mighty Joe Young here?”

M’Baku rolled his eyes.

“Again, that is not my name. Who even is this person?”

“It’s a big ass gorilla.”

“Oh- well in that case…”

T’Challa cleared his throat.

“As I was saying. Before anything, we need to address your crowning ceremony. Obviously you are part of the royal family, but by Wakandan law, all royalty must be officially crowned to be able to hold a title. If you would like to be Prince N’Jadaka son of Prince N’Jobu we must have the ceremony.”

N’Jadaka’s voice caught in his throat and his eyes got misty.

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

M’Baku put a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s good to have you, brother.”

“Good to be here.”

T’Challa fought tears of his own.

“Ok so uh, that’s that. We can hash those details out later. Now, the second thing I wanted to bring up with you is this: M’Baku and Nakia have offered to show you around the merchant tribe here in the city, the river tribe, and Jabariland. Shuri will get you acquainted with the mining tribe, and I will take you out to the border tribe on Wednesday.”

“Aight, sounds like a plan, but I don’t want the surface-level touristy shit.”

T’Challa chuckled.

“Noted. Now, lastly,” T’Challa pulled up a projection of a futuristic yet somehow still modern building next to a basketball court. 

N’Jadaka’s stomach dropped.

“What is this?”

“I want to open our borders to the ‘Lost Tribe’ as you call it. Maybe to the rest of the world eventually, but at the time they are less of a concern. In addition to that, I-”

The king was cut off by Nakia entering the room.

“Perfect time, love.”

“Sorry for being late, this baby runs my life now.”

“I’m getting a baby cousin?!”

Nakia looked at him dryly.

“Yes, N’Jadaka, you are getting a baby cousin.”

He peeped her attitude and settled down. If there was one thing he knew in this world, it was never piss of a pregnant woman.

“So the Outreach Centers, yes. I had actually had the idea for a while, but it took the country almost burning down for this idiot to see I was right. T’Challa had the idea to use your old apartment complex as the first Wakandan Outreach Center. Hopefully if it goes well, we could expand to-”

N’Jadaka zoned out staring at the projection. His vision may not have come true in the way he thought it would, but this would certainly be a step towards the betterment of the lives of Black people everywhere. N’Jadaka couldn't help but grin. 

“I think we lost him…”

“Cousin!”

He snapped out of his daze.

“Yeah I-I like it. Thank you, this really means a lot. One thing though?”

“Yes?”

“I want it dedicated to my pops.”

T’Challa smiled and zoomed in on the name above the door. It read “Prince N’Jobu’s Wakandan Outreach Center”. Then he took them on a 3-D tour of the facility, ending with the memorial to N’Jobu in room 1401.

N’Jadaka nearly broke down in tears.

“Cool. Thanks, man. For everything. This is…” N’Jadaka took a deep breath. “Just, thanks…”

The other three Wakandans smiled back at him fondly, an occurrence it seemed he would have to get used to. 

“I’m glad you like it. Now if you three will excuse me, I have work to do.”

Nakia kissed T’Challa’s forehead and left the room.

 “Aight, I need something lighthearted. A nigga is tired of crying. Oh! Actually I got some questions…”

“Ask away.”

“So earlier you mentioned how free and open and shit yall are here...I’m single and haven’t had any in like 6 months so where can I go to find some pussy. Since I’m a prince do I just like, I don't know, have concubines brought to me? I don't know how this works”

M’Baku snorted.

“Clearly.”

N’Jadaka flipped him off while T’Challa answered.

“No, we do not have ‘concubines’ though we do sort of have sex workers, which we can discuss later. You know, it would do you good to read some Wakandan history books...and maybe even some of our sex education material.”

“Ay man, I already know all that.”

“Not the way we teach it. Plus our birth control is better here.”

“More effective?”

“And no side effects. Trust me, you’ll want to visit the library at the end of the hall, cousin.”

N’Jadaka considered his suggestion and made a mental note to check out the library later that day.

“Yes, maybe you’ll learn a thing or two,” M’Baku chimed in.

“My guy, I know how sex works! I’m just curious about the culture surrounding sex. T, you said y'all aren’t puritanical like America...expand on that.”

“Well the list of books I just sent to your beads would be able to cover this in greater detail than I can at the moment, but basically every preconceived notion you have about sex, gender, attraction, etc. has been tainted by colonialism as a means of control over the population.”

“Hanuman…”

“Yeah I know that, I guess I just can’t really conceptualize a world without all that sexism and homophobia and shit.”

“What is homophobia?” M’Baku asked, genuinely confused. The cousins answered at the same time.

“When people hate gay niggas.”

“The hatred of, or at least the disdain for, those who are attracted to their same gender.”

“And we ain't even getting into the people who aren't men or women, that shit blows people's minds.”

“Why?”

The cousins continued to explain the outside world to M’Baku for what felt like hours. T’Challa looked at the clock and stood.

“Well gentlemen, as...depressing as this conversation has been, we must get to the council meeting.”

“I need a drink after that. The strongest Jabari mead!”

“Yeah imagine living with that shit for 30 years then coming here. I’m not gonna know how to act.”

“You’ll learn.”

The three made their way to the council meeting and N’Jadaka had never been so bored in all of his life. He started nodding off at one point and M’Baku elbowed him in his side when he started to snore. When it was finally over they parted ways and N’Jadaka headed to the library. He had plenty of reading to do.

He started with the Wakandan history books reading about the lives of his ancestors. His fathers stories had given him a good foundation to build on, but what he found in the books blew his mind. 

Wakandans can trace their history for thousands of years, all the way back to the time of the great Bashenga, the first Black Panther. Growing up as a Black American, N’Jadaka had no connection to his mother’s family history because there was no record. When the Lost Tribe was enslaved and brought to the west, they were recorded as cargo, not people. The enslavers didn’t care about their names or where they came from, and when they got to shore their families continued to be ripped apart and sold to the highest bidder. They weren’t allowed to play drums and congregate, they weren’t allowed to read, they weren’t allowed to marry. There was no written record of his people, and the most they could go on was family bibles which almost never went back before the mid 1800s. 

N’Jadaka was overwhelmed with the information, so he decided to switch to something else and come back to the history books later. He picked up “Intimacy and Sex” by Ami Nbunda and flipped through the pages. He skimmed the table of contents and was surprised by what he saw.

The first chapter was on anatomy, but it actually included intersex people instead of just focusing on male and female bodies. The next chapter was about loving and respecting yourself and others, but not in the slut-shaming way of the outside world. The next few chapters were on the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, and the last few were on birth control, sexual health, attraction, healthy communication, and more resources. 

The prince couldn’t believe what he was seeing as he flipped through the pages. He stopped on a full-color photo of a vulva with all the parts labeled.

“This is for kids? Damn, we really living in two different worlds. America would never.”

He turned the page and saw a to-scale model of the entire clitoris, and his eyes bugged out of his head. 

“That shit’s a whole wishbone…”

He continued to read through the pages in awe. M’Baku was right, he was learning a thing or two.

N’Jadaka spent the whole day in the library reading book after book on everything he could get his hands on. If it hadn’t been for his guards alerting him to the time, he would’ve missed dinner. He grabbed the last two books and went to drop them in his quarters before heading to dinner.

“Umzala, have you been in the library this whole time?”

“Yeah man, it’s a lot to take in. I might have to take that sex ed book back to the states.”

“We plan on doing just that at the Outreach Centers. Comprehensive sex education is a necessity, and since your government prefers to keep people in the dark about how their own bodies work it will be our job to educate those who come through our doors. All but the last chapter, of course.” 

T’Challa winked and N’Jadaka felt like he had missed something.

“You mean the resources? Makes sense, those books wouldn't be available outs-”

“Not the books, dear, the Temple.” Ramonda chimed in.

“The what? I ain't got that far yet.”

Shuri rounded the corner and N’Jadaka expected the conversation to stop, but no.

“Remember earlier when you asked about concubines and I said we have sex workers?”

Ramonda cut her eyes at N’Jadaka as he nodded.

“Well that term doesn’t quite encompass what they do. They are sexual healers blessed by Bast herself and they reside in the Temple of Healing on the outskirts of the city near the Land of the Dead. They are known as the Daughters of Bast.”

“Now I feel bad for calling them concubines.”

“You should.” Ramonda said as she slapped him upside the head.

“Ow Auntie, damn”

T’Challa was thankful that his mother had someone else to fuss over, and he chuckled.

“I think it would be a good idea for you to pay them a visit. They are healers, after all.”

Next Chapter

[suitofvibraniumarmor]

If You Just Realize

Part Ten: Don’t Want to Lose Us

Summary: Sebastian decides to take a chance; Milena asks a hard question. Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Reader Word Count: 2030 Series Warnings: Death, angst, sadness. Lots of creative licensing, I’m sure. Chapter Warnings: None beyond series warnings.  Square Filled: This entire series will fill my realized feelings square for @marvelfluffbingo. A/N: I’ve much enjoyed writing this series, and I hope all of you enjoy reading it! The tag list is open; requests to be added can be done so here. There are bits and pieces of Romanian throughout the series, mostly from Google Translate and the few things I’ve picked up as I learn the language.

Series Masterlist

A month after they married, they spent a weekend moving into the new house. Y/N’s assistant back in Los Angeles was packing up her things to send to New York, and had already sent a few boxes to get her started with her own things. Milena’s room was set up, Y/N and Sebastian had a bed to sleep in, and the rest of the boxes were unpacked as the week went on. 

Sebastian got up with Milena the following weekend and made breakfast. They watched a few cartoons, then decided to get out of the house for a while. 

“Let me tell Y/N, then we’ll go. Why don’t you go pick a couple toys to take in the car?”

Milena rushed to her room, anxious to start the selection process. Sebastian smiled after her, then headed to the master bedroom. Y/N was still sound asleep. She seemed to finally be sleeping well after so many things happening at once, and he hated to even wake her to tell her they were leaving, but he couldn’t resist the sleepy smile she usually gave him when their eyes met for the first time every day. Sure enough, when he leaned over her and said her name, softly caressing her cheek, her eyes fluttered open and that smile showed, sleepy but still bright. 

“Morning,” she greeted, stretching her arms above her head before relaxing them again, one hand settling against the arm Sebastian was leaning on. “Sorry for sleeping so late.”

“Nah, it’s not that late. I’m gonna take the little one to look at Halloween costumes, get her out of the house for a little bit. You sleep as late as you need to — I’ll call when we’re on our way back home, see if you need anything.”

Y/N yawned and rolled over, curling back around her pillow. “You’re the best. I’ll be waiting for your phone call.”

The way she smiled up at him, the way she looked so comfortable in his bed — in their bed — made Sebastian want to kiss her before he left. He hadn’t done so since the night of their wedding, with the heated kiss in their hotel room. Y/N could deny it all she wanted, but he knew that had something to do with how overwhelmed and closed off she was right after their wedding. After all, things had more or less returned to normal between them since then; that was a dead giveaway. As more moments to show affection presented themselves, like this one, Sebastian found himself more and more disappointed he hadn’t controlled himself better on their wedding night. 

You’re going to have to figure it out, he warned himself, because it’s only going to get more and more difficult to control yourself. 

He couldn’t let himself cross that line again and scare her away. He needed to come up with a plan to either stop these feelings from developing any further, or a way to find out if maybe Y/N was willing to explore more than friendship and a marriage of convenience between them. 

Date her. 

The thought was quiet and almost fleeting but Sebastian caught it before it was too far from his mind to catch a hold of. He heard about people dating their spouse all the time, but it hadn’t occurred to him until just now that the same way other couple stayed in love might be the perfect way to find out if his wife could fall in love with him. 

At the Halloween store, Sebastian made a quick call to see if his parents were available to babysit on short notice, then put the date on the back burner for the time being so he could concentrate on his time with Milena. 

“Uncle Seb?” she started as he lifted her out of her seat, making sure her toys stayed in the car. 

“What’s up, munchkin?”

Milena took his hand as they crossed through the parking lot. “Is my mama gonna come get me soon?”

He was gutted and guilty. His heart broke with the idea of telling his precious niece that her mama wasn’t ever coming to get her. He had been selfish, thinking so much of how things were going to work out with Y/N, and not enough about how Milena was doing. He sighed and turned back to the car with Milena. He opened the driver’s side door and sat her down. With a shaky inhale, he crouched down to her level. 

“I wish your mama could come get you, baby — not because I don’t want you with me, but I know how much you must miss her. I miss her every second of every day. She was my baby sister. Beautiful, just like you.” Milena’s face didn’t smile. “Remember when Bunica told you that your mama is in Heaven? It’s beautiful there. No one gets hurt, no one is sad. But when people go there, they have to stay. That’s why you’re living with me and Y/N, okay?”

Milena’s chin quivered and her bottom lip pouted out. She whispered, “Mama’s not coming?”

Sebastian didn’t have a chance to answer before the little girl was full-on crying. He took a deep breath to keep himself from crying and lifted her into his arms. He sat sideways in the driver’s seat and held her, promising that no matter what, he and Y/N would always take care of her. She would always have a home and would always be loved. 

“I know it’s not the same as being with your mama,” he comforted, “but you’re never going to be alone, Milena. We want you with us and we are always going to want you.”

He would remind her as many times as he needed to over the course of her lifetime, he knew. As her cries turned to whimpers, Sebastian made a mental note to narrow down the list of child counselors and therapists he and Y/N had already compiled, so that Milena could start that process as soon as possible. 

“Do you still want to go in here, or do you want to go home? Or we could go to the park?”

Milena sniffled. “Wanna look at the princesses.”

Sebastian smiled and stood from the car, making sure it was locked before positioning her on his hip and proceeding into the store. 

By the time Sebastian called Y/N, she was up and unpacking the last of the boxes. He promised to make lunch when they returned and warned her that before anything else could happen, Milena was going to want to try on her Halloween costume. 

“Also, that list that we made,” he commented, obviously trying to be discreet, “we need to narrow it down and start making some calls on Monday. I’ll tell you later what happened.”

“Oh, okay. The list is in the desk drawer — I made sure we kept good track of it. You guys be safe, please.”

“We will. See you soon.”

Y/N disconnected the call and went back to the unpacking. It felt good to have the boxes all emptied and the house set up. They would need to get a few things to fill the extra rooms, and Y/N still had some things coming from LA, but otherwise, they were settled. She broke down the boxes and put them out with the recycling, then got a sweater to keep her warm from the chilly air while she sat out on the back patio with a cup of coffee. 

While her feelings hadn’t changed in the last month — if anything, they had grown stronger — but, with Kennedy’s help, she had decided to embrace her life as it was. Sebastian hadn’t changed, Milena needed her; there was no reason for Y/N to be in a constant panic. With her calm came the return of their usual friendly exchanges of affection — though sometimes, Y/N had to admit, she had to wonder if the things Sebastian said and did were maybe coming from a place of feelings that matched her own. 

“Look! Look! M’really gonna be a princess!” Milena exclaimed, breaking Y/N from her reverie. She proudly held up the princess costume and grinned. 

Y/N made a show of being impressed. “That is so beautiful! A beautiful dress for a beautiful girl! Did you have so much fun looking at all of the things with Uncle Seb?”

Milena nodded. “We got pumpkins! But they’re not real.”

“Pumpkins? Ooh, c’mon, show me! Then we’ll try your dress on while Uncle makes lunch for us.”

The little one raced ahead, but Y/N took her time to catch up. She met Sebastian in the kitchen, kissing his cheek. He pulled her into a tight hug — tighter than usual. 

“You okay?” she frowned. 

Sebastian sighed. “Milena asked if her mom was coming to get her soon.”

“Oh, Seb …”

She broke the embrace for only a moment, to set her coffee cup down. She had learned over the years that when he felt in over his head, when he felt like he was drowning in whatever life had thrown at him, a good hug went a long way to getting Sebastian to the point where he felt like he could move forward and conquer each new obstacle. 

“That’s why you wanted to look at the list,” Y/N surmised. 

He nodded, still holding on to her. “I don’t want her to be completely broken, you know? You were right. We have to handle this now, before it gets worse. We’re lucky, I’d guess, that the night terrors aren’t happening more often.”

Small feet running through the house broke up their embrace. Milena was in her Halloween costume — although the dress was backwards, and the tiara was lopsided on her head. 

“You got changed all by yourself, look at you go,” Sebastian chuckled, fixing her tiara. “You are the most beautiful princess there ever was.”

“I agree,” Y/N grinned. “How about you and me go find some shoes in your closet to go with it?”

“Yay, yay, yay!” Milena cheered, leading the way to her bedroom. 

Y/N lingered behind. “You okay, for now?”

Sebastian nodded. “Yeah, for now. Thanks, Y/N/N.”

She only smiled and went after Milena. Her heart was telling her to hold on to him longer, but her head reminded her that he wasn’t the only one who needed her. 

After lunch, when Milena was down for her afternoon nap, Sebastian decided to lay down for a nap of his own. Having slept in, Y/N wasn’t too sleepy, but she offered to lounge with him and watch some quiet TV while he napped. She leaned against the headboard, flipping through channels with the remote in one hand, and softly carding the fingers of her other hand through his hair while he rested. 

“Hey,” he whispered, taking her hand in his, “I had an idea. My parents are free to watch Milena tonight. Do you want to go to dinner with me?”

“Oh. Um, sure. Where do you want to go?”

He mentioned a place that was nice but not fancy. “We haven't done anything, just the two of us, since the wedding. I know Milena is our focus right now, and we’ve been getting the house settled, but I don’t wanna lose us, either.”

“Me either,” Y/N agreed. “What time do you want to go?”

He thought for a moment. “We can drop her off at seven-thirty, then leave from there?”

“Sounds good to me.”

With their plans in place, Sebastian closed his eyes again. Y/N resumed her channel flipping and running her fingers through his hair. While he slept, she mentally played back his words over and over again — too many times. 

I don’t want to lose us. 

She didn’t want to lose them, either, certainly, but Sebastian, it seemed was trying hard to hold on to their friendship. It reminded her that, despite a few moments of beyond-friendly affection, she was likely in these feelings alone. 

She wasn’t going to let this send her into another spiral. She would keep doing what she had been doing: loving Sebastian, loving Milena. Hoping and praying that this piece of life was meant for longer than a season. 

AllOfTheThings: @captain-s-rogers @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked​ @hurricanerin​ @horsesandbandsforlife​ @im-not-an-armrest-im-short​ @captain-rogers-beard​ @shynara51​ @sea040561​ @pinknerdpanda​ @xtina2191​ @jackryanplz​ @beakami​ @heartsaved​ @fullprunerebelstatesman​ @blackwidowismyhomegirl​ @averyrogers83​ @jennmurawski13​ @connie326​

IYJR: @elsatxx​ @tanelle83​ @amanda-teaches​ @etherealwaifgoddess​ @kmuir1​ @ntlmundy​ @jayankles​ @rebekahdawkins​ @denise1605​ @rhadigen​ @peace-love-hobbitness​ @itsallyscorner​ @mizzzpink​ @auspiciousharriet​ @the-murder-strut-murdered-me​ @learisa​ @tellmewhatyouwill​ @katherinereid​ @lokilokilokilokilokiloki​ @auriandthepussicats​ @tellmewhatyouwill​ @itsmycorneroftheinternet​

[bibbykins]

the brunch event is here I’m excited!!! @ all MCs, what’s the sweetest fluffiest thing the guys have done for you / you’ve done with the guys? (craving some fluff today, hope you don’t mind!)

(Holy shit, this was longer than I intended but I hope you like it!) (Also this is long and I'm on mobile so I'm sorry for no read later thing here pls dont be mean to me)

Warnings: crying, PTSD, phantom pains/touches

The girls all smile at the question and decide the order they'll go in before Leopard takes a sip of her mimosa and speaks, "One day, Jin said he was taking me to go look at some clothes for an event we'd have to go to," She relaxes in her seat, fingers curling around the champagne glass gracefully, as if she's proudly told this story a million times, "Then, we pull up to a storage place and I'm like 'okay, so you're murdering me?'" She laughs in spite of knowing he's capable of murder, "He takes my hand and then takes me into a unit and in there are sketchbooks upon props and prototypes that I had ever made." She grinned at the thought, "I had started doing stage design and writing when I was 16 and my family never took home my props or anything, so I thought they were just... gone, and then here they all were." She sighed dreamily, "It just... made me feel like someone was proud of that 16 year old hurting herself on nail guns trying to build, or that 18 year old who took an hour to control a sander, it made me feel so exalted for my hard work."

Princess and Dove are already tearing up despite having heard the story before and Leopard holds their hands until they calm down, knowing they will absolutely cry when everyone is done telling their stories.

"Ah, it's my turn!" Sunshine gleams, "I'm pretty easy to make happy, like ordering my favorite food is groundbreaking to me no matter how often you do it." The girls giggle and nod at this, "But, there was one time we on our way to do our engagement photo shoot at the restaurant we had our first date, but then he pulls over and tell me he wants to show me something." She can't contain her growing smile, "And I'm confused, becuase we stop at this beautiful lake and he hates the outdoors." She chuckles at this, "But then he leads us into a beautiful field with wild flowers and a camera with a tripod." Princess has already let tears fall at this point, "And he tells me this is our engagement photoshoot, something just for us." Sunshine takes a bite of her crepe, "It was just so sweet and grounding since everything something happens with us, it's publicized, which is fine for the most part, but for him to set something up that's just for us to have, especially in nature, so sweet." The girls all giggle and coo at Sunshine.

"Oh, no! I know what story Sweet Pea is gonna say and I'm totally gonna break!" Odette grips Sunshine as the woman in question giggles.

"It's okay, I cried like a baby too." Sweet Pea giggles and she begins cutting Princess's pancakes for her like she always does, "So he was taking me to a gallery, didn't tell me for who for some reason, but you know me, I love a good exhibition." She snickered, "When we get there, I realize it's for my favorite enameler, or art jewler. He uses this beautiful etching technique and makes some stunning intaglio pieces I absolutely adore." The girls all mentally prep their tear ducts for the next part, "And so he has me meet the artist, and I'm freaking out the whole time and trying to hide it, until the artist tells me he has a piece he want to show me." She has excitement on her face just thinking about it, "And he takes me to a piece I haven't seen before and isn't with the new collection. It's an aquamarine pendant with a beautiful silver chain that had parts of a see through material interwoven. The gem was held in place with a beautiful silver trim that looks light and airy, like clouds almost, and in the pendant is this beautiful etching of a familiar skyline." Odette wipes a tear away at the speed of light, "And then Namjoon tells me it's the skyline from where we first met on that forsaken sky bridge and the silver with glass represents the steps that lead me to him." The girls coo at Sweet Pea tearing up for a moment.

"Ah, it's my turn!" Odette wipes away tears frantically, "Mine is quite simple, but it meant a lot to me." She smiles gleefully, "For background, before I majored in journalism, I was a dance major, contemporary, but I had an injury and was out of commission for too long by the time it healed. I didn't even tell Jimin until we had been dating for a couple months, I feel weird talking about it sometimes." She shrugged simply, "So I beacame his practice partner after that, which was fun, and one time we soent ages practicing thus one choreo bc he claimed he didn't want to practice with his actual partner, ever the drama queen." She giggled, "Then, the day of the showcase comes and he reveals that the dance was choreographed for me and him and it's our showcase." She held a toothy grin, "He gave me the feeling of being a dancer again, and it just felt like the closure I needed that I never got from my dancing career."

"It was a beautiful showcase." Angel nodded in agreement and Odette beamed at her praise while the other girls nod.

Dove hums as she chews her food before speaking, "So I do hand stitching, right? I don't think I'm very good..." All the women scowl at her, "But, they and Taehyung think I'm great at it and it calms me down so I make them a lot of hand stitched art or monogrammed clothing or I do commissions for their family." She smiles shyly, "So one day, Tae-Tae says he's taking me to Sweet Pea's gallery, but when we get there, it's all of my pieces up there. And the whole time people are greeting me and telling me how talented I am, asking what pieces they can buy and offering crazy prices, not that these guys would let go of my pieces." She snickered and the girls nodded proudly, "My name was in articles the next day, and he made me feel like I was someone to show off, like I was the impressive one, or impressive at all."

"Because you are impressive, hello?" Sunshine teased.

Princess has mascara streaks on her cheeks and Sweet Pea begins digging through her bag for makeuo wipes, "Uh, I'm not really good at storytelling and I'm a mess, so I'll make it quite short." She sniffled, "inhave this horrible habit of making clothes I hate and then donating them and Kook is always so dramatic when I do, like he has any business with a spring dress that would rip under his bicep." She giggles for a moment as Leopard begins wiping her cheeks, "And then he takes me to fashion week and...and..." She starts crying again and Odette coos at her, "My work, he had me on there as an up and coming designer and people were so nice to me and everytime I got overwhelmed, he took the reigns and it... my childhood dreams came true." She laid her head in Angel's lap, knowing it was her turn. The woman in question strokes the younger's hair soothingly.

Before Angel can even speak, all the girls are holding her hand or holding her and she rolls her eyes playfully, smilimg at the affection, "This why I'm going last." She giggled, "They get like this everytime I tell this story, even Leopard cries."

"Shush." Leopard, who is standing behind Angel's chair and stroking her hair quips, embarrassed, "We just care about you." She huffs.

"Well, it was a year after... the incident." Dove begins braiding Angel's hair to hide her incoming tears, "And I tried to go to work, but my body was not having it, so he stayed home with me and did everything the therapist said to grounding techniques and all, and stuff I could've done on my own, but he insisted." She smiled, "When dinner came around, I began feeling... phantom touches, pains. Like, my cheek ached and my tongue felt like it was burning, everything." Her smile was a bit sad, "It's normal with PTSD, but it doesn't make it any less frightening and none of the other grounding techniques were working, so he sits me on the counter, plays my favorite music, and begins 'treating' my wounds." Princess has her head in Angel's lap, but everyone can tell she's crying, "So for hours, he's there and showing me the clean gauze after treating my phantom wounds so delicately, and it really brought me back into the moment, that this is the man who loves me and this is where I am now." She smiles despite all the other girls being teary-eyed messes.

[whiteheartlight]

OKAY that is IT I am going OFF here’s my hot take:

Vakama should not have been the leader of the Toa Metru.

Now hold up hold up don’t get me wrong: Vakama?? A lil angel. Did he commit some sins?? Yes, many. Was he a little evil there for a hot minute?? For sure. We know this. But I have nothing in my heart but forgiveness and affection for him he’s perfect don’t @ me

But should he have been the leader of the Toa Metru?

Perhaps not.

Why?? Okay let me ramble a little.

1.     From the beginning, Vakama demonstrated serious anxiety, insecurity, and stress at the idea of being the leader of the Toa Metru. Now I am all for “greatness thrust upon them” and “rising to your destiny” sort of things, but this is not what that was. Vakama voiced self-hatred, insecurity, and sometimes outright panic every time he failed to be the leader the others were expecting him to be. In the movies, his siblings pile the Great Disks that failed to impress “Turaga Dume” into his arms, symbolizing the weight he carries as their leader.

Okay maybe that’s me reading too much into it but oh my goodness his sad lil face.

From the beginning he was having breakdowns about his inability to lead – “I’m just a cross-wired freak wasting everyone’s time” – and here’s the thing: he never really stopped doing that. His anxiety began to turn into rage and ferocity, causing him to bitterly embrace the weight his siblings put on him by giving brash, stupid orders, which again got them into trouble, causing another breakdown – “I’m sorry I failed you all” – and then another – you know, that whole Visorak thing?

We got to see Vakama realize that his siblings still wanted him around despite his failures because of Matau’s forgiveness, but that doesn’t automatically erase the fact that Vakama never really seemed to find a way to cope with the weight of leadership.

Compare Vakama with a natural (if REALLY AGGRESSIVE AND LOUD AND BRASH) leader like Tahu, who sometimes expresses anxiety or fear over the thought of failing his brothers, but doesn’t tear himself completely apart or break down after failures such as the Toa Nuva’s defeat at the hands of the Skakdi. That particular defeat just gives him a clearer perspective on the situation and allowed him to make better leadership choices, like sending Jaller’s team to Mahri Nui instead of his own, while Vakama seems to make worse and worse choices the longer he’s pressured to lead.

(Side note: I wish we could have seen more of Jaller’s reaction to Matoro’s death, because I think he may have shared many parallels with Vakama after the death of Lhikan. But that’s another essay.)

In my opinion, even at the end of their arc, Vakama seemed sad more than accepting and maybe even lonely. He embraced his leadership in a very quiet, tired way, speaking to Norik in soft tones in the scene where they prepare to leave Metru Nui and then giving up his Toa powers without speaking a single word to his siblings, just accepting his fate.

2.     And that’s especially bad and dangerous because guess what? Vakama was traumatized as hell at the end of their arc!!!!!!! He was!! So traumatized!! Get this boy to a therapist!! How do we know this? Well, not only was Vakama already an anxious, shy Matoran, but he was also in a deep grief over Lhikan’s death, which was clearly traumatic on its own because of his serious mood swings and personality changes. We could guess that the incident with the Visorak would be a second trauma even without confirmation, but we know for a fact that it is because, years and years and years later, he still can’t even fully tell the story to the Toa Nuva because of how deeply it affected him.

Vakama’s trauma was deeply intertwined with his duty as a leader – not only did Roodaka convince him to join her with the promise that leadership would come easy to him if he lead the Visorak instead of the Toa, but every time something went wrong in his time as a Toa, he blamed himself for it for failing Lhikan, failing his siblings, and failing the Matoran. This is not a Toa who should have been forced back into the position of leadership just because Matau was able to reassure him that they still wanted him around. It would have taken pressure off his shoulders and allowed him space to heal without being isolated from his siblings by his responsibility if he could have had a chance to recover without that pressure. Shoving him back into the situation that caused him so much stress in the first place would not be helpful even if the others all admitted they should have been more understanding about what he was going through. That still doesn’t solve the problem that Vakama never seemed to know how to deal with some of his siblings, command the team in general, or bring everyone’s ideas together into one cohesive whole instead of just all of them throwing themselves into situations and hoping for the best. That doesn’t solve the problem that he blames himself for small mistakes and lets them eat him alive. He didn’t need a fourth chance at figuring this shit out on his own – he needed collaboration with his team and time to process his recent and past trauma!

I wish we could have seen more of how Vakama recovered from what happened!! Like I got my Matau and Vakama moment, but I would have loved to see him and Onewa make up too since they fought so much. Honestly?? I would have loved to see him form loving relationships with… well, really anyone. It was clear that Nokama and Matau both loved him and were willing to show him that, and I really believe from the way the Turaga all became friends in the end that the others would be his friend and help him heal too, but we never really got to see that. Like what would Vakama’s relationships with the others even look like if he ever got a chance to not be the leader or the visionary, but to just be their brother? I’m getting off track. Cause here’s the third thing:

3.     Vakama never really demonstrated that many leadership skills.

I’m SORRY, okay, really I am!! But seriously. At the beginning, he only lead because he was a visionary and that is no way to choose a leader, especially since he so badly wanted to not be the leader at that point! Before the personality changes I associate with his grief over Lhikan, he showed himself to be nervous, insecure, shy, soft-spoken, unwilling to take control, not particularly communicative, reserved… these aren’t bad things, but they’re not necessarily shaped for leadership. He lacks confidence and a willingness to lead.

To be fair, he does have a lot of good leadership qualities too. He listens well to others, he’s intelligent and kind, and he’s very quick on his feet and good at putting puzzles together and figuring out how to destroy things like talking demon plants. This makes him a very good boy and also someone very good to have in a fight. But that’s a strategist, not necessarily a leader. He takes failures much too harshly, doesn’t command the others well, never shows any real interest of his own in leadership imo, and needs to be coaxed and comforted into making many real decisions.

The exception, of course, is that angry, hurting Vakama who snaps at all of his siblings and makes bad choices to try and convince himself that he’s a good leader. Remind me why we put that much of a burden on this lil dude?

(I actually have thought about that some – did the others see Vakama as the leader because they perceived Lhikan as seeing Vakama as the leader? Or, as I suspect, was it more tied to the apparent tradition of fire-spitters being expected to be the leaders? If Vakama was expected to lead because of his nationality, this could contribute to his anxiety over being expected to lead – is he a bad Toa of Fire just because he struggles with leadership? Did he know from the beginning that everyone would expect that of him? Even as a Matoran, did he feel less like a Ta-Matoran because he never met the stereotype of a commanding, confident, charismatic fire-spitter? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I love thinking about them because Vakama is 11/10 and other Fire Toa like Jaller and Tahu have struggled with similar insecurities and the struggle of trying to be good leaders and Fire Toa, reflecting on the expectations placed upon them, like when Jaller feared that he was fighting with Matoro because of their elements and when Vakama asked Tahu to admit that he was afraid of failing the others and leading them into harm.)

Okay, and yes, Vakama did seem to be a better leader by the time he was a Turaga. But honestly, from what we saw of them in meetings and moments, Vakama doesn’t particularly stand out as the leader. They all redirect each other when they’re getting off-topic, they all coax each other into telling stories or doing what needs to be done, they all go “NOKAMA tell me you did NOT show Gali that cave” and things like that lol. And that’s great!! Because they learned to be equals!! Incredible!! But in that case, there was no reason for Vakama to lead them as a Turaga, and if they had continued to be Toa, I really think they would have needed another leader.

 Here’s my proposition: Vakama should have been given space to heal. The others welcomed him back and accepted his leadership during the battle with Roodaka, but he didn’t actually do much beyond the obvious, which was “shoot her, guys!” And it was great. But it doesn’t make him a good leader necessarily. I think it would have been good for him to be able to step back from the expectations and the stereotype and to just spend some time adjusting to what happened and learning to rely on his siblings as his support system and family instead of the people always tearing him down for not being what they need him to be. He wouldn’t have had to abandon the leadership skills that he was beginning to develop because he would still have been the Turaga of Ta-Koro. He could have had some time just to learn his own leadership style: not shy or timid, not aggressive and brash, but rather embodying the things he does do well, like giving others chances to use their talents, listening patiently to their concerns, and then working to reign them in when things go wrong or certain Av-Matoran wander into danger too many times in one day. Managing Takua would be enough leadership responsibilities for any Turaga, that’s all I’m saying!

 Who do I think would have been a better leader for the Toa Metru? Easy. Obvious. Nokama.

She always should have been.

I don’t believe that Vakama would ever have become the leader of the Toa Metru if he wasn’t a Fire Toa and a visionary. Ever. He would have backed up, said no thank you, and I think it would have been better for him. Nokama would have been a great commander for him, cause guys?? She fucking loves her brothers. She loves Vakama when he’s breaking down, when he hates himself, when he fucks up, and she tells him that. She puts a hand on his shoulder and whispers encouragement and she defends him when the others turn on him. She protects him. She loves him. She fucking loves her brothers. She loves Matau when he’s annoying her, when he’s being goofy, when he’s fucking up too. She loves Nuju, trusting him with her secrets and being warm to him no matter his aloofness. She loves Onewa, seeing past his anger and flaws. She loves Whenua. Okay I can’t think of any examples on that one right at this moment cause I don’t have my books out but here’s my source: dude trust me.

She always sees the best in them, always supports them, always gives her heart to them. She is supportive, caring, kind, considerate. She’s Nokama. She’s really, really, really good.

But of course that doesn’t make her a leader. That could even make her a pushover. But honestly if you know anything about Nokama, you know that word could never be used to describer her.

This is a Toa who commands respect. Nokama is powerful, gaining swift control of her powers and later showing an interest in sparring with Nuju and improving on her fighting, trashing her fair share of enemies along the way and surviving serious injuries without complaint. When she does, you can see how much her bickering brothers are willing to come together to look after her, all of them pretty much shutting up and working together to protect her, all of them united in their worry for her. Nuju respects her independence enough to let her go jumping off the ship to explore the water in Voyage of Fear without telling anyone, and this isn’t the only time in her life Nokama makes a decision about what needs to be done and what should be done and then does it. She shows Gali the carvings in the cave without asking for permission. She goes to Jaller and tells him about the disappearance of the Great Spirit against the others’ wishes because she knows what’s right and she’s going to do it no matter whatever anybody else says. That’s taking command. That’s strong decision-making. That’s accepting responsibility and being able to deal with it. I love her.

Additionally, she’s rarely flustered and replies coolly to both flirtation (“And I thought Vakama had strange visions…”) and sniped comments from grumpy siblings (“Save the lessons for your class, teacher!” “Look, we’re here for a reason”) and she asserts herself when she thinks something needs to be said (“This is not Vakama’s fault!”) What’s more, the others actually listen to her.

That may not sound like a big deal. But this is the Toa Metru we’re talking about. So let me say that again: THE OTHERS ACTUALLY LISTEN TO HER OH MY GOSH WHY DIDN’T YOU GUYS ELECT HER QUEEN LIKE IMMEDIATELY? Her brothers are always fighting – she’s even fighting, sometimes! – but you think Nuju’s really going to ignore Nokama? You think Matau’s not going to put in the effort to work with her? You think Onewa’s going to throw a fit at her and that the others are going to let him get away with it? You think Vakama’s not going to feel calmer letting her take control? Why do I keep leaving out Whenua I’m so sorry I love him too but anyway –

Guys she just would have been such a good leader. She just really would have. She really, really would have. Like you look at that conversation where everybody’s like “well maybe I should be leader instead of Vakama!!” and you just… you have to laugh. Are you guys joking. Let’s look at the other options.

1.     Onewa: Don’t even start. His temper… oh my goodness. And Tahu has a temper too, but Tahu is not like Onewa. While Tahu seems to take pride in the chances he gets to lead his team and command the others effectively, Onewa is like this bitter little porcupine always fluffing his quills up at the others. Honestly, he would have HATED being leader. That would have required him to deal with his horrible family all day!!! Onewa I love you never change but you need a lot of alone time and very few people annoying you you little angel. He would have gotten really stressed and frustrated and lashed out at everybody. Also, you remember that time he didn’t feel like he had time to explain a plan, so he just mind-controlled Whenua to make him do it for him? His whole leadership would have been like that. He would try to do everything for himself because honestly, he’s really independent and proud and would be just a tiny bit evil with that mask of his <3

2.     Whenua: Okay mostly a nice boy. But he’s just really stuck in his head a lot of the time. That’s his and Nuju’s whole thing, right? He’s stuck in the past and he’s a really deep thinker. Nobody has time for that in an emergency. What’s more, Whenua’s people skills are not particularly strong. Like Vakama, he isn’t a very commanding presence, or at least once you get past the deep, booming voice he isn’t. Also he isn’t really a compromiser. He’s stubborn and I don’t think he would have done well at incorporating other people’s viewpoints into his own – especially Nuju’s!

3.     Nuju: this is a joke right. He would literally be so annoyed if he had to lead. He has less than zero interest in leading. Everyone would be like “what should we do, Nuju?” and he would just be so uninterested in explaining his thought process to these idiots or, worse, having to listen to their dumb-ass ideas and arguing and then having to work with those dumb-ass ideas. Don’t be confused, this isn’t the same as Kopaka. Kopaka is “you’re all so dumb I have to eventually step up and do something about it” which is why this poor sucker ends up as Tahu’s deputy despite his best efforts at being a loner. Nuju is “you’re all so dumb I’m going to go over here and do my own thing and if you need something, I’d rather you just trust me to handle it.” Literally this man is so disinterested in communication that he speaks a random-ass bird language just so nobody can talk to him without having to go through a translator. He is trying so hard to make his whole existence a “fuck you” to his siblings. I adore him. And, as a side note, Nokama could always handle him despite that. She was never even daunted by it.

4.     Matua: you know what?? I don’t think he would have been all that terrible if he was given time to mature and explore the role a little and stuff like that. There’s a reason the Le-Matoran adore him!!! But also, you know he can be goofy and sometimes too flippant and fun-loving, and I don’t think most of his siblings would fall into line for him… at all hahaha. Nuju taking orders from Matau?? Onewa?? Even Vakama, I think, would dismiss Matau as a joke. I think he really proves himself as a mature and capable young hero the moment he risks his life just to make sure that Vakama knows that he’s sorry and he still wants him as a brother. I think Matau would be a good deputy. But at the beginning of the story, seriously I think Nokama would have been so much more functional as a leader than any of the others.

Geez they’re just such a disaster team. I’m filled with so much love for them. Maybe nobody should be their leader. I think they found the best compromise in the end – that equality we see in books like Tales of the Masks. Teasing each other, holding each other accountable, pushing each other to be better versions of themselves, equals in their story circle. They just went through so much and it was so hard but I think really the strength of that team, in the end, is the intimacy with which they come to know each other’s weaknesses… and then learn to love each other despite them. They told the Toa Nuva stories that made them look like such assholes sometimes, haha, but you know they were all sitting together in that circle, making even laughing about something mean Nuju said or about how much they fought, though they always go quiet and somber for the moments of real grief, taking the time to sit with the truth of each other… To know each other’s flaws. To love each other anyway. To see each other temperamental, headstrong, goofy, cold, stuck in the clouds, and maybe just a little bit cross-wired, and then to see, even more clearly, all the ways that that makes them just, determined, joyful, protective, wise, and truly and earnestly good.

I don’t know. I guess I’m just thinking about the things I love about the Toa Metru, and I think Nokama was the one who saw those things first. She loved them. She supported them. Maybe she was never officially their leader, but I will always think that she could have played that role the best because she was someone who helped to show her brothers that all the parts of their team that they thought made them broken were really the parts that made them so wonderful and worthwhile.

And maybe Matau as her deputy, just for the moments where you need someone to shout at you about just how important and valuable and loved you are. And then you rescue him with this wicked spider-web bungee-cord and it’s SICK, FUCK YEAH.

Thank you for reading my complete ramblings (I didn’t double-check my facts and haven’t read the stories in a long time, so go easy on me if there’s small inaccuracies or things that you disagree with! But hey I’m always down to talk about just how great the Toa Metru are :)).

[justreadingfics]

Looking For a  Heartbeat  (ch.18)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes X Reader

Series Summary: You and Bucky used to be in a relationship. Feelings were hurt, you left.  It’s been two years and you’re back. You both will handle the reunion well, won’t you?

Chapter Summary: Bucky meets Anna.    

Word Count: 2.3k

Warnings for this chapter: no  reader in this chapter.  

 A/N: @suz-123 is my angel and I love her. Sorry this is so short, but I thought it worked better that way. Links are ruining posts, you can find the masterlist link on my description.

More A/N at the end.  

Bucky takes a long sip from the coffee. The drink sliding hot and thick down his throat. It’s never been this way. The air has never felt so heavy when he was around Anna. But now, sitting on the couch of her living room while he drinks from the coffee she politely offered him, he feels nothing but on edge. Unspoken words and unshared feelings weighing between them as he spots her fidgety fingers beside him on the other end of the couch. 

He clears his throat after placing his cup back on the coffee table, “Thanks for agreeing to meet me.”

Her eyes lift from her hands to him, almost as she’s startled by his voice cutting through the uncomfortable silence, “Of course, I have actually been meaning to call you before, but…” She licks her lips and shrugs, “I didn’t know if it was ok.”

Bucky nods before he presses his upper lip between his teeth, suddenly finding the cup of coffee in front of him very interesting. God, why is this so hard? He’s been thinking about a lot of things to say to her but now the words don’t seem to reach his senses.  He sucks in a courage breath, “Listen, Anna, I-”

“Can I talk first?” She swiftly interrupts him, “Please?” She says steadily, but by the way her lips twitch as if she’s holding them from trembling and how she keeps rubbing and fidgeting with her hands it’s obvious that steadiness is far away from her true emotions.

“Ok,” he mumbled, actually relieved for not having to be the first one to talk.

Her chest heaves as she breathes deeply and turns her body towards him, tucking a leg under the other.  She takes a moment looking down before speaking, saying each word carefully, “This past month I didn’t see you… I had plenty of time to think. I started seeing my therapist again, and I was able to understand things from a different perspective.” Her jaw is tense when her eyes flick to him.

Bucky recognizes what he sees in her eyes. He has plenty of it. Regret. He has seen it there before, when he last talked to her, but then there were too many feelings boiling inside him, - not all of them pretty - for him to really care about it. Now…he does.  Steve was right. Anna is important to him and he needs to set things right with her.

“No one has ever made me feel like you did, Bucky.” She continues. “I fell for you hard.” A sad smile twists her lips, as Bucky keeps his eyes trained on her in silence. “I tried to fight it, because I knew you loved someone else.” Her throat visibly moves as she swallows and blinks, eyes flicking momentarily to side.

Bucky shifts in his seat, spotting the single tear running down her cheek which she quickly wipes with a finger. 

“But I’ve never really pondered the implications of the fact that, before everything, I was your therapist and you had trusted me with your mind.” She whispers, letting her gaze fall. 

“Anna…” Bucky tries when she pauses.

“The only thing on my mind, Bucky,” She resumes, looking up at him and he let her talk, because he can see it in her voice, her whole demeanor - tense and restless-  how much she needs to. “Was that I knew exactly what you needed and that I could provide it to you.” She lets out a scoff, shaking her head bitterly, “But the thing is, at some point, what I thought it was good for you started to convert into what I thought was good for me.  With what I wanted for myself.”

Shame crosses through her face as she puckers her mouth and her eyes drop. He becomes aware of how tightly his grip is on his thighs through his jeans. His chest is heavy with something that feels like… sorrow. 

“When I saw an opportunity to live that overwhelming, wonderful feeling with you, I didn’t think twice.” She doesn’t look up at him to talk, “I didn’t consider the possible consequences, not for you, and not for me. And then I caught myself doing things I never thought I would, like… lying to you… creating situations I thought would favor us as a couple, I… I lost myself into loving you and it was my fault.” Her watery gaze finds his again before she whispers, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Bucky.”  

Bucky sighs. Letting a deep intake of air fill his lungs before he shifts his position to face her, moving slowly to sit closer to her on the sofa.  “Anna, I’ve been thinking a lot too,” He confesses, “And I owe you apologies, as well.” The corner of his mouth curls downwards and she frowns at him. “You told me that when you signed me up to another professional you had just realized you’d started developing feelings for me and all the time we’ve remained close after that, not once you tried to act on them. I had no clue about how you felt until Y/N blurted it out to me.” He scoots closer and take her hand between his, feeling how cold her skin is.

Her eyes follow his gesture, stopping at their joined hands.

“You only confessed them when I ran to you after that mission and I was the one to make a move on you, Anna. I did so knowing I was still too caught up on Y/N, there was still a lot to figure out with her, and I jumped into a relationship with you to run away from it.” The regret sweeps into his voice and cut through his guts as their eyes meet, “You said you didn’t ponder the consequences, but I���m the one who started this without pondering them myself. When I talked to Y/N about us the day after we decided to get together, she said I would hurt you and I did. I did hurt you.”  

“I knew what I was getting into, Bucky.” She squeezes his hand. The drops of tears running down her cheeks expressing how his words are painful to her.

He  smiles.  Sadly.  “You were only being guided by the way you felt for me and I feel like I took advantage of that. Of you.” His teeth clench to the point it becomes painful, “I’m really sorry.” He finally says the words which he’s taken this past month to realize he owed her.

She looks down at their hands and gently places her other one on top of his. “I’m  sorry, too” Her voice is teary and croaky.

An instant of stillness takes place between them, as they both take in their apologies and then just nod at each other, expressing  with the simple gesture the mutual forgiveness.

“Bucky,” She calls quietly, “Do you feel like we would’ve worked out if things were different? Did you feel something for me at some point? When you touched me,” Her finger caresses his skin softly, “When I kissed you, when we… when we slept together?”  She directs her pained and pleading look at him.

“Anna…” Bucky breathes, “You’re so important to me.” He pours all his sincerity in his voice. It’s essential to him that she knows this, “When I looked for you that night, when we opened up about our feelings, I really thought I could love you the way I…” His breath caught in his throat, “I care so much about you. But not in the way you expected me to.  Not in the way you deserve.” He knows he didn’t really answer her question, but how could he tell her that when he kissed her, when he had her between his arms, when he had her on his bed, he always ended up with you on his mind? He’s such a fucking jerk. He knows this. But he doesn’t have to make the pain he sees on her face even harder.

Her forehead creases as she moves her gaze downwards and lets out the air that was trapped in her lungs, “Not in the way you love Y/N.”  She affirms, as if reading his mind.

He doesn’t say anything to that, because there’s nothing more that has to be said. He would only lie or hurt her further with the truth. He wants none.   

“Have you two talked?” She mumbles out her question.

“Yeah.” He answers, “We, um, we decided to put everything behind us, for the sake of the baby, learning how to be parents to them is all we’re gonna focus on.”

She quirks an eyebrow at him, “And do you think this is going to work out?”

“It has to”

“Bucky” She pulls away her hands from his touch before she wipes her eyes and straightens up her posture, as he lets his hands rest again on his thighs, waiting for her to speak, ”Listen, I won’t pretend this is easy for me to say. It’s not.” She shakes her head and sighs deeply before she swiftly licks her lips,   “But haven’t the two of you tried to ignore your feelings for each other for long enough? I think you should talk to her about it.”

Bucky studies her. There it is. The Anna he treasured and has been so central in his life the past couple of years. The one who always said what he needed to hear, hitting right into where would make him see things how they really were… Also, he has heard something familiar before…  He chuckles, filling the gesture with fondness.

“What?” She frowns.

“She said almost the same thing. About you. That I should talk to you.” He clarifies with an amused soft tone in his voice.  

“Oh,” Her brows wiggle as she’s surprised by the information, after her expression becomes sullen, “I still need to apologize to her. Maybe someday I could talk to her, but not right now.” She shakes her head swiftly.

Bucky doesn’t argue with that. He’s happy he’s finding  his own peace with Anna, but he doesn’t know how a whole new encounter between her and you could affect you and he wants nothing but to keep you safe and sound from any kind of distress.   

“She doesn’t blame you about the accident, and I don’t either.” Bucky props an elbow on the backrest of the sofa, leaning forward, “Not anymore. I shouldn’t have acted that way,  but...” He looks to the side and sighs. He knows he shouldn’t have blamed her, but at the time all he thought was about his baby and what could’ve happened.

“But you’re a dad now. And it was your baby safety at stake.” She states, making him turn to her and see an understanding look aimed at him, “Are you happy with the baby, I mean?”

The smile that curls up his lips comes out easily, just like every time his baby is mentioned, “So much.”

Anna smiles back, “I’m happy for you, really. You’ll be the best dad in the world. No doubt about it.” She reaches out and takes his hand into hers again.

Bucky gazes at the touch, his chest feeling lighter, just like his mind. He feels like he's finding his way back to Anna again. To the Anna he cherished the friendship and company, before he ruined everything by trying to change it.

 “Anna…” He says her name softly, “We have made mistakes,  I know I’ve made tons of them, but like I said, you ́re so important to me… I would really like having you in my life.”

“You want me in your life as what, Bucky?” She doesn't say this in a scolding way, instead there ́s gentleness and a hint of sadness in her voice as she tightens the hold on his hand. “A friend? A lover? A therapist? It doesn’t matter because I can’t be any of that. I still love you, Bucky.” A new tear falls down her face when she makes the confession with a pained smile on her lips as Bucky keeps his eyes on her, gulping down the lump of emotions on his throat, “So much.  And not in the way you say you care about me. I really love you. Being around you without you loving me back…” She takes in a shuddering breath as her eyes close for a second, “It’s too painful.”

Bucky uses a finger to gently and slowly wipe a tear from her face as his other hand keeps enlaced with hers.  He can sense how she holds back to not lean into his touch.

“I’ve neglected my feelings before, when my love was still a secret, but I can’t do this anymore.” She bites her inner cheek, “I need to work on myself. To understand my emotions and, hopefully, learn how to move on, how to live past my feelings for you. I need space and time to do that, at least for now.  I hope you understand.” She holds his gaze with expectant eyes.

“I do.” He nods once and truthfully, “You´re right.” He agrees, “I just need you to know I do care about you and whatever you need of me for you to be ok, I’m in.”

A relieved breath slips out her lips, “Thank you, Bucky.”

They keep talking for another thirty minutes, tops; before he decides it’s time to leave, to what she shows no resistance.

“Bucky,” She pulls his hand before he walks out the door.

She smiles tightly at him when their gazes meet.

“Please,” She says, “Try to be happy.  I need you to.”

He locks his eyes on hers when he brings her knuckles to his lips and place a kiss on them, “You, too, Anna… You, too.”

~~~

Ch. 19 coming soon (ish)

A/N: Heey, it’s  me again. I know a lot of you wanted hell to fall upon Anna, but to be honest, I never thought her as a villain. I understand why most of you doesn’t like her but  the way I see it, she’s not perfect, but she’s also a victim of her own feelings, you know what I mean? I hope the way they worked things out between them didn’t disappoint too much.

[loudblonde]

Soulmate with the anticrist?

Warning, graphic details of nearly dying and mentions of torture. Do not read if these things are triggering or offensive to you. The start to a sexual scene but nothing explicit. This is a soul mate AU; you have a red spot on the place you touch your soulmate the first time.

Year:Date:Month: 1946, 5th, April

Location: Saint Agnes church, Florida, United States of America

“Bless me father for I am about to sin.” A smirk came from the young man. The priest next to him shuffled slightly. “It’s been years since my last confession.”

“What will you do my child?” The priest asked, he looked over at the wall, sweat gathered on his forehead, he felt the temperature rise within the confession booth. However, the priest couldn’t help but feel curious, not many confessed to him before they sinned.

The outline of the man was the only thing visible, something seemed off about him. He felt something get stuck in his throat, clawing to get out. The pain made tears form in his eyes, he tried to scream out for help, but no sound came.

“I will take my revenge, on someone who hurt me many years ago.” The smirk grew wider as the man clenched his fist. The priest cleared his throat, unable to properly breath, he had to get away.

“Someone who took everything from me.” The voice was strained, raw emotions clear. Anger, sadness, and fear. This was revenge.

The priest fell out of the booth, desperately trying to claw his way towards help. The man stepped out and looked down upon the priest. The man sent a kick towards his ribs, breaking them in the progress.

“Don’t you remember me father? How you took me in, kept me bound and said I had run away?” He knelt down as he grabbed the priest’s hair. His eyes turned black as the skin underneath his fingers started sizzling. Bobbles formed of fatty tissue, threatening to burst open at any moment.

The priest tried to say something but couldn’t, he puked up blood. A clump was in the blood, fear like any other settled into the priest. A frog like creature came out as with the blood. It had mucus green spikes all over its back, yet it appeared that some of the spikes were broken or missing.

The fear filled the air. Sweet fear that all could fell, the church cooled down, ice formed on the windows, threatening to break them if the wind blew on them.

The demon chuckled as he picked up the frog. It snuggled into his palm, the spikes not affecting him. “Such a dainty little thing. Fully capable of love and thoughts. My familiar. You see when you tried to exercise the demon out of me. I was what… six, seven? But now…” He trailed off as he stood up.

The frog disappeared from his hand. A low chuckle came from him, all the emotion was replaced by triumph, the demon had won.

“I’m much older, much stronger. You are no more. I will personally drag you to hell, as you made me call out for it. Call out for a chance to be released. You made your own destiny.” (Y/N) laughed as the priest began chanting an exorcism rite.

“Please, I am in my own body.” He snapped his fingers, making the priest disappear. Silence filled the church. A contempt sigh escaped his lips as he made his way towards the exit.

(Y/N) had fully intended to walk out but he felt the air change as time slowed down. A bullet was sent his way, but he managed to dodge it. (Y/N) immediately turned around, his eyes looked upon a man… no this wasn’t a man. This was nothing but an empty shell of a slave.

He had noticed that the humans frequently did this to their own, so many souls came down to hell and only needed a slight push before they became a demon. It disgusted him that someone could do that to their own.

It seemed his dodging took the slave off guard, but he quickly moved towards him, (Y/N) smirked as he disappeared, leaving what had once been a human to his demise. He couldn’t think straight, his mind was too focused on the years of torture he was going to put that monster through.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Years on earth had gone by, (Y/N) had stayed in hell for well over a thousand years. He had grown bored of the priest. So instead of keeping him as a pet, he let his sister have the not so human soul.

(Y/N) had appeared in a park. It was dark, yet the moon was full and on its highest, he could feel the energy coming from her. There was only one human in the park but didn’t recognise him.

Why would he? He looked around at the changing world, he didn’t recognise anything. Though he knew once he found a corrupt human soul to eat, he would know all the technology of this new world.

(Y/N) looked down at his hand, demons had no soul mate. They simply didn’t have a soul worthy of it. Yet he had been human once, he had once been innocent. Tears threatened to form, he blinked them away.

(Y/N) longed for the innocence.

He had been broken and forced into the arms of demons. It had its perks but also, it’s downfall. If he had ever seen a therapist, he would be locked away. A small smile broke out on his face as he shook his head. He was fucked up and didn’t hide it.

He felt the other man walk up behind him; on instinct he turned his head, startling the human. The human seemed vaguely familiar. “How did you hear me?” The man asked. (Y/N) stood up and crossed his arms.

“Pardon my language, but who the fuck, are you?” The man looked away, clearly regretting this.

“Never mind.” The man turned around and started walking. (Y/N) groaned silently and appeared in front of the stranger. He placed a hand on the strangers’ chest.

He didn’t realise the world around him exploded into vibrant colours, everyone could see colours but the moment you met the one, the whole world became worth fighting for. It became vibrant. To his defence, it was very much night.

“Listen here fucker,” (Y/N) pushed the man over towards the bench, the man fully let him, unable to say anything. “I do recognise you but, and excuse me for being cautious, I have not been here for over a thousand years, so my manners are a bit rough. But…” He noticed the man was staring at him with amazement and not fear. It took the demon by surprise. Well he wasn’t actually one but he damn near acted like it.

(Y/N) looked at his hand on the persons chest, the subtle glow made him recoil his hand. From fear of hurting the human. He had been about to disappear out of pure terror, but the man grabbed his arm.

“Don’t leave. You were in that church.” Bucky stood up. He held onto the others arm as he watched his face go from confusion to realisation and into utter fear again.

“It’s been 70 years, how are you still alive?” Bucky asked, always having assumed that his soulmate had long since died. He pulled his shirt up with his metal hand, it showed the mark on his chest. (Y/N) tore his arm from Bucky’s grip.

“You… You shouldn’t have seen me like that. I was young and I wanted revenge…” (Y/N) looked at Bucky. “I was a monster. Though you seem to not care. Why?”

Bucky shrugged. “We have all done things, things we weren’t in control off. I spend years as a brain washed assassin. My point is, whatever you were in that church, it doesn’t seem to be there anymore. The man I remember wouldn’t ever have his fear written all over his face, but you do.” Bucky took the males hands and intertwined their fingers. His hands were colder than anything Bucky had ever felt before.

“… There is something you need to know.” (Y/N) braced himself for the fear his soulmate would undoubtedly have.

“You aren’t human?” Bucky asked amused. “I kind of figured that out with all the disappearing things and well… your eyes are currently all black.”

(Y/N) hadn’t even realised his eyes had switched, he felt as if he was a hatchling all over again. “I’m sorry for this. I really am… I’m (Y/N) Morningstar, son of the Morningstar himself. The not so excited anti-Christ or whatever humans call me.” (Y/N) shrugged as he looked directly at Bucky.

Bucky chuckled slightly as he sat down. He was amused. (Y/N) hadn’t expected this reaction. “My soulmate is not only a cambion but also the son of Satan, I’m James Barnes, but you can call me Bucky.”

(Y/N) hummed slightly before smirking. “Bucky… What a pretty name.”

Bucky looked over at the halfling. His whole body shifted to fully see the other. “(Y/N),” his eyes starred at Bucky.

“How do I get in contact with you?” Bucky gently took the males hands.

(Y/N) gently let go of Bucky’s hands and instead cupped his cheeks. “Know this Bucky, I am neither demon nor angel, neither alive nor dead, my destiny will be to end all life, but if you call. I shall come, I named myself (Y/N), my real name is not spoken out loud, so I shall whisper it. Think of my true name and I shall appear.” (Y/N) said and waited for Bucky to slowly nod.

Bucky nodded slightly, confused but also happy. He blushed as (Y/N) leaned down, his lips touched his ear. Bucky closed his eyes, savouring the moment. (Y/N) whispered a name so foul the flowers around them died.

Though the name had no effect on Bucky, he dared not to say it out loud. (Y/N) stood up as he looked around, his eyes landed on Bucky before he smirked. “Are you heading home or staying out?”

“I think we can work something out.” Bucky smirked.

Bucky lead (Y/N) all the way home, once inside his small apartment (Y/N) pushed Bucky against the wall, his lips immediately found Bucky’s. Bucky instantly kissed back, his hands grabbed (Y/N)’s waist, pulling him in closer. (Y/N) shrugged his jacket off, letting it drop to the ground.

His lips travelled down Bucky’s neck. He stopped right before the shirt and pulled away. Bucky panted slightly as he looked down at (Y/N), he gently lifted (Y/N)’s head up and kissed him. A sweet kiss, one shared between lovers.

Bucky and (Y/N) spend the night together. Every moment was spent fully awake and in total bliss. When morning came and Bucky came to it. He saw (Y/N) was gone but a note was left on the table. He stood up and read it over

 My dearest Bucky

 I regret that I cannot be near you at the moment you wake.

I wish I could see your soft smile but alas I have hell business to take care off. I shall be here soon; await my arrival and we shall spend every day together.

 -Your (Y/N)

 Bucky smiled as he placed the note where he had found it. He looked around the small apartment and found (Y/N) had left his shirt and most of his clothes. Bucky hesitantly grabbed the jacket, still butt naked. It held a faint scent of sulphur. It was strangely comforting.

He managed to pull on some pants before Steve walked in. He looked at Bucky with a weird smile. “I didn’t know you were into one-night stands.” Steve chuckled. Bucky turned around as he faced Steve, he looked confused until Steve pointed at his neck.

“You have hickeys all over.” A chuckle came from the blonde.

Bucky walked out into the bathroom before smiling deeply. “Damn, he really did a good job, huh.” Bucky said with a happy voice, his hand went up to touch the bruises. None of them hurt.

“He?” Steve asked amused, “You seem very happy, who did you meet?” Steve saw the letter and picked it up. He thought it was orders. He glanced it over.

“My soulmate.” Steve dropped the letter as he choked on his spit.

“You met your soulmate? I thought they were born in the same generation as you.”

Bucky walked out of the bathroom, he looked over at Steve and shrugged. “He could have had the same issues as I had. Or something similar.”

Steve crossed his arms, distrust growing in him. He didn’t want to accuse his oldest friend of lying, yet he felt as though Bucky was hiding the truth. Bucky, as if having sensed the distrust, sighed. “Fine. He is immortal. Which is weird, I saw him as the soldier, back in 45. Happy?”

Steve nodded, satisfied with the explanation. “What is he, a warlock?” He asked as he sat down.

Bucky shrugged slightly, “I don’t know. We didn’t do a lot of talking.” Bucky rubbed the back of his neck, “Not that I mind that, it did help me find out about a lot of… things.” Steve chuckled; memories of his friend’s old ways surfaced.

“Well it sounds like you two had a wonderful night. I will be looking forward to meeting him, when you are ready and if you think he can know about our operation.” Steve stood up.

“Which reminds me. Tomorrow morning at 0600 sharp. We are getting debriefed. Some demons are gathering on the top, more so then there have been in years.” Steve moved towards the door.

“I will be there. I owe the operation my life. Demon scum will no longer rule the earth or control any humans.” Bucky said, a bad taste in his mouth. The operation had saved him from being a brainless slave, an empty shell for demons to use as a field soldier. Something they could just get rid of if they wished.

“I know, trust me Bucky, there will be revenge.” Steve said and gave Bucky a pitying smile. Bucky hated those smiles but didn’t say anything as Steve walked out.

[wrightiverse]

Hello and this is me annotating/doing director's commentary for the last chapter of Crowd as a victory lap. There's no indulgence like self-indulgence.

“I’ll just make my hot young boyfriend help me,” Robin teases. “When I’m eighty, you’ll only be sixty-nine.”

I love to take a thing from the beginning of a story/scene and revisit it at the end. In this case, 'hot young boyfriend' is a light callback to 'sexy-ass, significantly younger boyfriend' back at the beginning when Robin was sad about the empty nest situation. This is, I think, the first time we specify their exact age gap. It is also the exact age gap I have with my own partner, because I’m very lazy like that. (None of this was written with any reference to what's gone on in the podcast over the last year or so, which is good because it sounds like the whole aging thing for Glenn could have gotten really confusing. Wrightiverse Glenn came back right after Ravenloft, none of that other stuff happened to him. It's all good. Canon is optional.) * * * * *

It’s not like the men in his family have much luck in that area, anyway; Glenn never met either of his grandfathers, and Bill didn’t make it much past fifty.

I think Meryl actually lived for hundreds of years and is still alive in Faerun and they should totally meet, but Glenn doesn’t know all that. * * * * *

Aesthetics aside, it didn't seem like there was much for Glenn to look forward to in middle age and beyond. Nick would grow up and wouldn’t need his dad anymore, and Glenn would be all alone.

From Glenn’s second chapter in Crowd, when Robin is sad about Connor leaving for college:

“I want him to be independent,” Robin is trying to explain into Glenn’s knee, “but also I don’t want to be all alone.” Glenn flicks his ear reproachfully. “You're not all alone. I’m right here, dumbass.”

Sometimes what seems obvious when we're explaining it to somebody else doesn't feel as obvious when it's our turn. Admittedly, Glenn is coming to this with a different set of experiences than Robin is. More on that later. * * * * *

His career would go to shit, because getting old only works for rock stars if they’re actually bluesmen in disguise, like Keith Richards.

I think I got this theory from something Chuck Klosterman wrote, probably Fargo Rock City. * * * * *

He starts his grounding exercise without even thinking about it. Five things he can see: one, an information sign for the city park. Two, a freshly-painted bike rack. Three, some big public art sculpture that looks like a giant rusty hairbrush…

This particular grounding exercise came up earlier in Crowd. I didn't make it up for the story, it's real and many people find that it works well. Feel free to try it! The exercise he alludes to when they’re on the beach, creating ‘safe spaces’ out of vivid memories with lots of sensory details, is also based on a real thing. Lauren, his therapist, is named after the therapist who worked with me on my own PTSD and taught me that and a lot of other good stuff. At least based on my own experience, I can highly recommend EMDR if you can find a good practitioner. * * * * *

It was a hella sweet gesture from the kid.

Connor’s introduction in Name has to do with him carrying shirts past Glenn, and one of those shirts becomes important later to Robin. Given how big the GC3 actually seems to be, I don’t think Connor did the majority of their merch. I assume they used a regular printer and Connor just did small runs of fun custom stuff when he feels like it, meaning not much changed after Glenn quit. * * * * *

Of course, Robin is the only member of the family wearing the shirt right now, because Robin is the only one who doesn’t care that it isn’t cool to wear merch from the gig at the gig itself.

I have no idea how widespread the ‘no wearing merch from the gig at the gig’ thing is, but that’s the rule I learned. * * * * *

Robin is chatting away about something, but it’s hard to follow with all the noise and distraction around them. Glenn decides to let it ride, and allows himself to zone out and just watch Robin talk.

As requested by my brilliant co-author, this is a callback to when Robin spaces out watching Glenn talk on their first date. Both Robin and Glenn are consistently very prone to tuning out when the other one is talking, but neither of them particularly care. As Glenn says on their dinner date - sometimes a man just wants to think out loud for a while and get a ‘hell yeah’ in response. * * * * *

It's vastly unfair that Robin looks so good in direct sunlight, but he probably pulls it off because he's the one person in Los Angeles who isn't trying to look younger than he actually is.

Glenn should spend less time in WeHo. * * * * *

There’s already more gray in Robin’s hair than when they met, although Glenn will only accept partial blame for that. Either way, the old man’s on track to be a full-on silver fox before he even hits fifty.

It felt necessary to drop a reminder that despite how Glenn talks about him, Robin is not actually that damn old. I mean, I'm sure that sounds very old to some of you, but when you're in your mid-to-late 30s like Glenn, somebody in their late 40s is not unreasonably decrepit. I think it has more to do with their respective energies than actual birthdays. * * * * *

“What is it?” Robin has noticed Glenn’s gaze, and he touches his own face to check if there's something on it.

Glenn grins. "Nothing, just ogling."

This is another callback to their first date:

“Do I have something on my face?” Glenn asks, and rubs at his mouth.

“No, you’re good.” Robin says. “You’re great.”

Because I adore a full-circle moment, that's why. * * * * *

“Your eyes were intense," Robin laughs. "It looked like you were going to start growling redrum at me."

This is my own fault for saying in the last chapter that Glenn was rambling about Kubrick moon landing conspiracies when he comes back from his walk. I tried like seven different ways to get them on the subject. I still don’t know if it feels natural. * * * * *

Glenn stabs an accusatory finger toward Robin. “Did you suggest not doing the show because you knew I’d argue with you and talk myself into doing it?”

Can’t outro this story without at least a little argayment.

Glenn usually finds him in the bathroom at the end of the night, looking grumpy about being up past his bedtime and holding some girl’s hair back while she barfs.

With what we've learned about Robin over the course of Crowd, we now have the context to understand that for Robin, this drunk girl is very much the ghost of Christmas Past. I don't imagine he goes to many of these parties.

* * * * *

It doesn’t bother Glenn a bit. Life isn’t a movie, the cheerleader doesn’t have to put on leather pants and start smoking in order to get her bad boy and her happily ever after.

I know that there’s more going on in Grease than that, but consider: would Glenn know that?

* * * * *

He and Robin are very different people, and they always will be. They don’t make sense on the surface, but they both know who they are, and who they are fits together perfectly.

Circling back to Robin at the end of Name, expressing his anxieties:

Robin rests his forehead on the steering wheel, avoiding Glenn’s eyes. “Like I don’t make sense for you, and everybody can see it.”

Some of the circles that I closed in Crowd were ones that were opened in Crowd, but some went back further. * * * * *

Love bubbles up in Glenn like a shaken-up soda, and he finds himself standing up suddenly and grabbing Robin’s shirt collar to tug him down for a kiss.

I wanted to mirror the ‘Hot Dad surges forward to kiss him, hard’ thing from the beginning, but given the established height difference, Glenn can’t just go for it unannounced unless he’s gonna stand tippy-toe. Thank you @whotaughtyougrammar for this art of what happens when Glenn tries the collar-tug and Robin doesn't notice fast enough.

* * * * *

Robin is caught off guard and stumbles half a step back, managing at the last second not to drop his drink. “One second, sweetheart, just one second. You surprised me. What was that about?”

Glenn gives him a lopsided grin. “Luck?”

“Oh, well, then. For luck.”

Luck and how to change it is a big theme throughout the whole series, both in the sense of ‘good fortune/unearned blessings’ and ‘random, unforeseen chance.’ More later about that. * * * * *

When Glenn presses his tongue forward to slip between Robin’s lips, he tastes lemon and sugar.

Same as the first time they kissed, when he’d been drinking whiskey sours.

* * * * *

“Right, yeah,” Robin breathes, but he doesn’t let Glenn out of his arms quite yet. “You know,” Robin adds, “Nick was telling me earlier that he’s going to sleep over at Grant’s tonight.”

So I'll be there when you arrive / The sight of you will prove to me I'm still alive / And when you take me in your arms / And hold me tight / I know it's gonna mean so much tonight * * * * *

She’d found him there, and she'd saved him, like she always did.

We didn’t know Morgan’s name when we first wrote the scene where they discussed her in Name, so we wrote around it as though Glenn was reluctant to name her out loud. We maintained this throughout the rest of Crowd except for the line where Glenn says that he’ll tell Robin about the phone call with Morgan. Felt right. Her presence is very much felt but Glenn, at least, is not in the habit of talking about her unless he has no other option. * * * * *

They ran out of the venue and down the street, hand in hand and giggling like kids playing hooky.

@shrack was the one who began writing our Glenn with very physical methods of showing affection. I liked it a lot as a vibe and carried on with it. He and Morgan are also very young here. Glenn would be 21 or 22 at the oldest, which is barely older than Connor is now. I've always attributed some of his immaturity to the fact that he became a parent pretty young. (Glenn is 36 when Name starts and Nick is 13, meaning Nick was born when Glenn was 23 and probably conceived when Glenn was 22.)

* * * * *

It was like falling in love with every single person in the crowd, all at once. Glenn felt like he would never be lonely again as long as he could have that feeling.

Facing twenty thousand of your friends / how can anyone feel so lonely? * * * * *

By then, the GC3 performed in venues so cavernous that Glenn couldn’t see anything outside his own spotlight. He could hear the audience roar approval at him, making a wall of sound that he could feel like a physical force. It was loud enough to drown out the screaming in his head, loud enough to let him forget that she wasn’t out there among them. It was the closest he could get to forgetting, so Glenn did it as much as he could.

Part of a success that never ends / But I’m thinking about you only... * * * * *

Slowly but surely, he’d been learning how to go through life with his mind and heart focused on someone else’s well-being. It didn’t come naturally: that wasn’t the kind of family either of them knew. Still, they’d promised each other that they could do better than how they were raised.

I am never here for iterations of this dynamic that assume Glenn is the fuck-up and Morgan was the perfect parent. They both became parents at exactly the same moment, you know? The world does not need one more story with an incompetent sitcom dad and his smoking-hot wife who does all the actual parenting. * * * * *

Nick is long since asleep, but Adele fucking Close has stayed up until these sickening hours of the early morning.

Conveniently, Glenn’s brain has overwritten all his memories with the correct name and pronouns for Nick, because writing around it is a pain in the ass otherwise. * * * * *

“Hello, Glenny.”

Bill calling Glenn “Glenny” that time at Ravenloft really stuck with me. I don’t know if they ever revisited that in the actual podcast, but it was so slimy and chilling somehow. * * * * *

“I fucked up,” Glenn says bluntly, and his mother narrows her eyes ever so slightly at his cursing.

Glenn gets in his own head early in Crowd about comparing himself to Penny, and Robin later worries about putting himself on ‘the same level’ as Morgan. Neither of them are quite galaxy-brained enough to realize that there’s more than one person in Glenn’s life who uses a lot of terms of endearment for him, considers themselves old-fashioned, and wishes everybody wouldn’t swear so much. * * * * *

“Thank you, mother,” Glenn grits out. He sounds absolutely nothing like himself, not that she minds. “I appreciate your help.”

I assume that part of the reason Glenn has such a hard time offering genuine apologies is that when he was growing up, too much of his apologizing was forced rather than sincere. * * * * *

“You are out of chances. If you continue to neglect this child, I will get the state involved, and I will take custody myself. I’ve already spoken to the Freemans, and I have their full support.”

Morgan’s parents are not mentioned very often and don’t seem to be a big part of the Close boys’ lives. I imagine that whatever tenuous relationship Glenn had forged with them post-accident was pretty much destroyed by Adele forming this alliance with them and telling Glenn about it. * * * * *

Her patient demeanor is meant to remind him that she's here to clean up his mess again, like she always does, and his proper response is humble and apologetic gratitude.

And that is why Robin being patient can set Glenn off so bad, such as after the bike accident when they were arguing:

Glenn doesn’t really hear most of what Robin’s saying. It’s all just soothing, pointless stuff in that obnoxious tone that means Robin thinks he’s the smart, calm, mature one here and Glenn’s the immature asshole who lost his temper again. He’d never say it, but Glenn can tell what he’s thinking.

I hope it came across clearly in that part that Robin doesn’t actually see the situation that way and isn’t saying or thinking anything to that effect, but Glenn feels like he is because he’s had this somatic/emotional reaction triggered. Spatially he's arguing with Robin, but his body and a lot of his brain thinks he's arguing with his mom. Trauma can be like that. * * * * *

His mother keeps talking like he didn’t say a word. “We can all stay in each others’ lives, Glenny. I’m not trying to cut you out, I’m trying to help you. I know you think I’m a monster, but I’m just trying to do what’s best for my family.”

Sometimes the monster will tell you it's not a monster. * * * * *

From that night forward, Glenn will always know that he’s not a good person, because he almost takes his mother up on the offer.

I don’t think being tempted by this offer means Glenn’s a bad person, but we write Glenn as somebody who wishes he was a good person but is really afraid that he isn’t. He was at a very low point here and he needed help. Feeling drawn to the only help on offer, even if it was from a toxic source, is pretty understandable. * * * * *

"I'll get Nicky ready for school tomorrow and you can sleep in. We’ll finish talking about this when you feel better.”

Man, I hate that abuser thing when they start being sweet as soon as you muster the energy to fight back. You get a little bit of steam built up and then they dodge you like a matador so that it dissipates again. To be clear, Nicky isn't Nick's deadname or anything, it's just the somewhat baby-ish diminutive form that Adele uses for him, like how she calls Glenn "Glenny." * * * * *

“Family is important,” his mother says sadly. Just before she closes the door, she gives him a look that’s an exquisite mix of regret, tender affection, and a tiny spark of hope. Adele would have been a great actress, but Glenn can’t imagine who that particular performance was for.

Performance skills run in the family and Adele comes by her acting chops honestly, although she doesn’t know it. I picture one of those situations where a young woman from a good background gets pregnant by some rakehell actor and her family covers up the scandal by raising the baby as a new sibling. That would mean that as long as Adele’s “older sister” never spilled the beans, nobody in their family at this point knows that they’re related to Meryl. If Nick ever decides to do one of those ancestry DNA tests, things are going to get interesting. * * * * *

He certainly didn’t find it very compelling. Family? All the family he will ever need is sleeping soundly down the hallway, tiny arms wrapped tight around a stuffed plush Babar.

I wanted Nick to have a stuffed animal that was sort of his parallel to Mr. Lion. Robin is drinking with Mr. Lion in the beginning of Crowd when he’s upset about losing Connor to college, and Mr. Lion appears again when Glenn comes in to talk to Nick and Connor after Robin’s accident.

“I… I guess I don’t know.” Nick looks down, avoiding eye contact by staring into the darkness under Connor’s bed. Mr Lion is under there in a clear plastic box, along with some other stuffed animals. Even when Nick first met Connor, the stuffed animals were already banished underneath the bed instead of on top of it. But over the years, Connor’s never thrown them away.

Mr. Lion is one of the various ways we played with the theme that Connor is, as Nick puts it, “somewhere between a kid and an adult.” Connor is a very confident and clever guy, but you don't magically get a giant box of maturity and life experience on your 18th birthday. At various points, he asks both Nick (at the campus concert) and Glenn (after Robin’s accident) to try to understand that he's still growing and figuring stuff out. Nick has definitely been deprived of some chances to be a kid, but in some ways Connor has as well. He started hanging out with Glenn after Penny and Robin split up, and although he and Nick obviously hit it off, Connor was closer to Glenn for a while. In a different universe, that might not have turned out as well - I mean, tell me you wouldn't side-eye that arrangement in real life. I sure would. Robin just sort of flings his hands up at the role Connor plays for the Close boys, but I strongly suspect that shit would not have flown on Penny’s watch.

It’s funny - he thought Connor was so grown-up when they met, but the guy was only 16 when the Wrights moved in next door. He wasn’t much older by the time he was over at the Close place almost every day, helping Nick with homework or cleaning questionable leftovers out of the fridge. It didn’t strike Nick as weird at the time, It was just another thing about his life that wasn’t like anybody else’s. He never questioned what was in it for Connor. Back then, Nick didn’t even realize how lonely he himself was - he wouldn't have figured out why a kid whose parents had just gotten divorced might want to come over to the chaotic Close apartment to get away from the quiet in his own home.

Everybody was doing their best, and everything worked out for the best, but Connor over the course of the stories is sorting out the balance that works for him in terms of responsibility and playfulness. Fortunately, now that he has less responsibility for Nick, he can enjoy Nick more as a friend and brother. In Name, Robin and Glenn both sort of assume Connor will act as a babysitter to Nick while they go off on their first date; by Crowd, Connor is hanging out playing Smash with Nick and Grant as the gents get ready for their dinner date, but he's there socially, as a peer. Him being goofier and more immature also frees up Nick to do the same, since if Connor is cool and Connor is being playful, then "it's not a little kid thing, it's a bro thing" They both get to be kids now in a way that they weren't before, and I love that for them. Anyway, the point of Mr. Lion and why I wanted to give Nick a stuffed animal as well was to draw the parallel between the sons more directly and to anchor the stuffed animal component. So far there hadn't been any moment in which an actual kid was holding an actual stuffed animal.

[angelface-co-uk]

So I've been meaning to make this post for a little while, but just never got around to it. I've been going through a lot recently, and, with my therapist not seeing me until February, it's likely you can imagine the impact that is having on me.

However.

There are a few things that have been helping me get through this time, and I just want to put them out there in case anyone needs them too.

Make a list. This sounds dull, I know, but it'll help to organise your thoughts when they are racing through your head at 200mph. I have one I always turn to, which is my list of reasons to stay alive. Cats are on there a lot.

If you intend on shutting people out, figure out why. I shut people out when I'm sad more than I should, but figuring out why I do that has really helped me to open up better. Try to understand that not everyone will treat you the same way as your why did.

Following from that, remember to communicate your anxieties and what you need; people aren't mind readers. Initially I felt really selfish doing this, but I realized that people honestly just didn't know what I was going through and how to help. Honestly, after speaking to my boyfriend about everything, it all seemed just a little easier.

Create action plans. When looking on my problems I panic and think oh no there is no solution I will never get past this. That being said, everything is a lot easier to deal with when you break it down into either small issues to combat, or small steps. Don't do nothing, do something.

Ask someone to stay in the room with you and not let you leave. I did this yesterday, I asked my friend not to let me leave the classroom when the urge to p*rge hit me at school, I didn't tell her why, but she held me against that for the full 2hrs, and she even voluntarily escorted me out of the room when I had to get collect my textbooks.

Don't feel bad for avoiding people who negatively affect you. It's up to you to prioritize your mental health, and if that means cutting some people off, then do that. It's just how life goes.

Let yourself be happy. This is the biggest one for me I think, because the only way you are going to be happy is if you allow that for yourself. If you have to put your happiness on the line for the sake of someone else's, that person doesn't care about you. There is comprising, then there's flat out selfish and toxic behaviour. Learn the difference.

I may add more to this as I learn more through what I'm going through. Stay safe angels.

[mscurious88]

TGD Episode 3x10

In many ways, this episode delivered on the promise of the show’s pilot.

THE GOOD: Everything.  BRILLIANT writing, BRILLIANT acting.  Off the charts chemistry btw Glassman, Shaun & Lea.   It was the equivalent to a “Slap your mama” meal. (i.e. Why are they holding back when they could be this good? ) So much to unpack.  It reminded me of  “Unbelievable” on Netflix which is an enormous compliment. It brought up how the “good guy’s” ignorance/insensitivity to the victim’s experience/trauma ends up making the situation worse.  Someone on twitter compared Lea/Glassman to the devil/angel on Shaun’s shoulder at the gravesite scene. Completely disagree. Glassman urging Shaun to forgive his father/show compassion really undervalued the harm the CRIMINAL abuse & neglect had on Shaun.  Lea was Shaun’s victim advocate throughout, making HIS feelings her concern. And that’s how it SHOULD always be. 

GLASSMAN AND LEA HOSTILITY:  It’s obvious Glassman’s unresolved issues with his daughter clouded his advice to Shaun (ultimately to Shaun’s detriment.) *HOWEVER*, I think they may also be biasing his view of Lea.  His quick tone shift when Lea called him “controlling” made me wonder if he’d heard the criticism from his daughter?  I LOVED the Lea’s family dysfunction reference bc the audience might’ve easily forgotten it and it was relevant to how she was behaving.   It would play not only into how protective she’d be of Shaun with his parents, but may also affect how she reacts to Shaun’s surrogate father’s treatment of him and HERSELF.   I think Lea got defensive w/Glassman bc his opinion matters to her and she struggles w/confidence to stick to her guns bc of her own family history.  It struck me when Glassman, Lea and Shaun were sitting around the bar table, they’re 3 ppl w/unhappy family relationships who could create a new support unit if Glassman & Lea would support each other.  

GLASSMAN MEDDLING IN SHAUN/LEA: I hope the writers dig into Glassman/Lea so much more.  It’d not only boost their character development, but their dynamic affects Shaun/Lea greatly so I’m not sure Shaun & Lea can progress much until Glassman/Lea are dealt with.  I’m not sure many viewers recognize just how much Glassman has meddled into Shaun/Lea’s relationship.  If you think of all the ways he discouraged Lea from being involved romantically w/Shaun and his “you’ll hurt him, You know it. I Know it. “ before she started seeing Jake, and then the way he flip flopped on his advice to Shaun and now the way he’s pushing Shaun to be with Carly? Glassman is the anti cupid for Shea.  He’s just more subtle than the typical love obstructing mother trope.

SHAUN/CARLY - Shaun didn’t want her to go with him. He wasn’t going to call her.  The contrast in his comfort w/touch from Lea and Carly couldn’t be more stark.  I’m BEYOND ready for Shaun to realize Carly isn’t the one for him and for the PAINFULLY awkward Carly/Shaun make out scenes to be over. I fear there will be yet more. I saw on a TGD REDDIT thread ppl explaining diff. reasons why they dislike Shaun/Carly. I agree w/some points. It’s hard for me to pinpoint why I find them supremely uncomfortable. I don’t feel like they’re empowering him & are actually harmful, but I can’t articulate the reason yet. 

SHAUN/LEA - SOOOO much easy chemistry.  My favorite small moment was Lea’s flirty smile back to Shaun in the bar when he agreed to go swimming and Shaun’s subtle, smitten/pleased with himself, but not flaunting it too much to Glassman expression back. Seriously, that was incredibly played by Freddie Highmore. It was similar to his expression when she invited him in for apples, but extra rich bc Glassman was his audience this time. Everyone notices Highmore’s acting in big emotional scenes like the meltdown ending, but the nuance he captures in conveying blink-and-you’ll-miss-them hints to Shaun’s inner life is extraordinary talent.

Main takeaway was so happy Lea was there for Shaun.  It’s interesting to see viewers still distrustful of Lea bc she is flakey.  I think Lea deeply loves Shaun & is attracted to him,but she holds back bc SHE is distrustful of herself.  Lea didn’t answer Glassman about kids, bc maybe she would like them but doesn’t think she’d be a good mother which was alluded to in the dead fish/“Hubert” story.   Also, it was an EXCELLENT touch to mention Lea was busy at work, but still went with Shaun. I so wish the other writers would reference Lea’s life outside of Shaun more, even a single line before she exits about where she’s going or what she’s doing would help. Lea NEVER gets to tell her side of things to anyone and some viewers take the worst possible interpretation to her actions and fail to give her any credit for her kindness.  For them, she only exists in relation to what she can do for Shaun, which is the effect of only giving her snippets of scenes revolving entirely around him. Let Lea to be a whole person please.

CLAIRE/MENTAL HEALTH -  Thank goodness she called a therapist.  Hopeful for the return of old Claire.  Truly, one of the best parts of The Good Doctor is how much they tackle mental health issues.   On a show about surgeons, they could avoid it, but they’re often the most important plots bc no one challenges treating a physical condition, yet plenty of ppl outright SHAME ppl for treating mental health/neuro conditions. 

CLAIRE/MELENDEZ - SO much easy chemistry.  Melendez establishing himself as a support system for Claire is perfect.  He knows now she won’t ask for help, so he’ll have to show it w/out request and often.  This dynamic adds depth to both.  LOVE it.

THE BAD:  Just wish the episode had been longer. They cut a flashback scene of Shaun being hit that was in the promo, that would have reminded ppl the abuse wasn’t just words. I know Shaun said so, but some ppl aren’t attentive viewers and need reminders. Also sad a Melendaire ER entrance scene in the promo stills was cut.  Otherwise, nothing but love.  They’ll likely submit this episode for Emmy consideration and they absolutely should.  :Chef’s kiss:

[halfusek]

BATIM SPOILERS AHEAD

SECRET MESSAGES FROM CHAPTERS 1 - 5

With a sort of analysis/shitposting on my side? Yea.

Chapter 1

There is like two walls with these, that’s a lot. Is he... aware from the beginning now? I mean someone’s crossing this and Henry is implied to be leaving these messages so...?

Choose your fighter.

Ok wow harsh.  Haven’t you seen all these cool AUs in his house?

Also can I just point out how... Joey... literally... drew... the Studio...

Oh, my bad.

He drew STUDIOS. Because the damn thing keeps happening over and over again.

Oh fuck if that’s the case then that is clever. I made puns about him drawing the studio before, wish I did something with it before Chapter 5 dropped, that would be hilarious to look back at fvdfjkvnfkj

That’s just depressing. But like... yeah...

Wow Henry you must be a proud mom now

Hey remember when DAGames played Chapter 4 and was interrupting Alice Angel’s monologue by telling her to stop watch him poop

It spells “There never was a choice.” (never underlined)

Those messages are either hilarious or straight up depressing.

It’s... kinda sweet how Henry from the past (pasts) helps his future self (selfs). And encourages.

I’m pretty sure she’s got many hearts in her stock.

STOP WATCHING ME POOP

Henry what the fuck

The falling human made out of the two Ls, the Y and the splatters above it-

Fuck.

GASPS NO WAY

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He is not the creator of the cartoons. He is the creator OF THIS WHOLE FUCKING STUDIO AND EVERYONE IN IT. Like it’s maybe a sort of obvious thought but when you let it sink in... damn

Rest of the chapters under the cut because it’s really long

Chapter 2

ARE THOSE IRL BODIES? YES? NO? SYMBOLS OF THEIR SOULS BEING TRAPPED HERE? WHAT???

Do you remember that? Or only slightly? Oh man. “I should have warned him” thoughts and then you get a pissed off boy in Chapter 5.

COME ON NOW

Ok. How. How did you write anything there. When. The only time he’s aware would be right after Sammy hits him with the dustpan. So is he like fainting and writing it? So he wouldn’t be able to write anything else like SAMMY IS GOING TO KNOCK YOU OUT WITH A FUCKING DUST PAN because yeah he’s passing out so it’s just... OUCH! Also to confirm this he is facing the way he’s facing when he’s on the floor. God that’s both shitposty and depressing. Nice.

Henry don’t be a dick

So you do sing 👀

I wonder how Henry figured out walking backwards to not trigger the Demon here and write this specific message. Also is Joey behind those closed doors because there’s the whistling.

Is he cooking

Chapter 3

Oh, hi.

Excuse me what

Henry is a Jacksepticeye fan confirmed

Joey is a man of ideas... and only ideas.

Which is why he created a studio, an OC based on a person he has a one sided crush on (me) from who he stole and claimed their OC as his, also made that stolen OC a thing and then made both of the OCs fight in an infinite loop in the massive studio which is behind his kitchen.

This both has a literal meaning but is also like a deeper general thought Henry do you want Joey to create a therapist OC you seem to have some problems

Why do these coffins hurt so much

Who are you asking Henry because Alice sure won’t fucking read that And why won’t you just write it with regular ink why you gotta do it like this

Why does he keep this thing secret? Did he make it? Probably since he’s the one leaving the messages Hmm

I fucking wheezed.

But also imagine Alice just giving her speech and Henry writing something on the wall with his finger Unless he doesn’t write that in a literal sense but like... spiritually Huh

THEY HAD DRINKS TOGETHER AND JOEY WAS PAYING FOR THEM AWW

He’s so fucking gay I swear to fucking gods.

Let’s hop on the existential crisis train, choo, choo.

How can you be kind to people who try to murder you

But this. This. Is such a good fucking work/life thought like damn. I love this game for those.

But are those just some thoughts Henry wanted to get out of his head or does it have something to do with the game because I’m kinda getting pacifist/neutral/genocide route vibes from this. But it it’s not the case it’s still pretty neat, we do meet them, we just don’t have the choice to treat them in some way most of the times.

It’s on level 14 and damn you game damn you yet again. I guess it can also be applied to that moment when The Projectionist is reaching out for Henry who is hidden in the Miracle Station? Like we don’t know what to expect of him because he had that small moment of realisation of... something. And he is also one of Henry’s “old friends”.

Is Is Ink Demon killing The Projectionist a symbol of Joey’s jealousness like Norman: *reaching out in curiosity, maybe to help* Joey: >:( my fren

Chapter 4

Thanks. Roll credits. So Chapter 4 is intentionally pointless in the terms of Henry trying to save Boris. THAT’S FUCKING SAD STOP IT

NOT. MY. DOG. YOU. BITCH.

So Henry is catching up. Joey does regret all that shit he did. I wonder how exactly does it tie here, with Bertie. Maybe that theory I had about Bendy Land being Hell for Bendy? :0c I don’t really think so but that’s a thought.

I’m losing my shit.

Okay that seems like another woke thought.

Henry can’t change not being able to save Boris.

Joey can’t change all of his mistakes. But Joey is the one making it happen over and over again so it might be slightly pointed at him?

Like, pal. Stop dwelling on your mistakes. Move on. Let me the fuck out.

This game is really heavy with this problem:

Move towards your goal, hope, believe, dream, don’t give up. Well actually do if it’s like super hard.

????? This is such a deep uuhhh analysis of this like one of most basics functions of how we people fucking work and live, what keeps us going. Holy shit I am IN LOVE with that.

But oof yeah Henry was and IS the one good at pushing Joey to do the right thing. Man...

Instead of trying to cheer you up lemme just write this message you can’t read real quick.

THAT WHOLE FUCKING THING WAS POINTLESS AND I’M LOWKEY MAD

;_; holy lord sweet baby jesus

Can Henry like be fine fun concept Meatly please

I suggest giving this a read if you as I weren’t familiar with that expression https://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/09/23/heels/

Of course it’s a pun on “Time heals all wounds” expression. The word “heels” there refers to contemptible people. Earliest citation: 1934 and it got more popular around that time till something around the 50s-60s according to that website at least. Neat.

That is interesting. I guess we can associate the door with Joey as well since Henry warns himself not to go through them? And the Demon drags Projectionist’s corpse through them. Sorta against his will, heeeeeeh.

They look like they could be interactive but I dunno :0c

Oh, yeah. That two-faced motherfucker. That’s my bitch.

HE GAVE THEM FUCKING NAMES

Chapter 5

I feel like it was kinda exaggerated. Henry they like saved your life twice or so, how salty can you be

OKAY LET ME TELL YOU ONE FUCKING THING

AT FIRST WHILE PLAYING I THOUGHT JOEY WROTE THOSE BECAUSE

I mean why the fuck would they drop this star outta nowhere AND HE IS EXTRA LIKE THIS

But then again there’s this “Don’t go through the door”

Unless Joey did contact him through this as well? But I’m assuming it only because of the stars vfnjksd Idk I like when symbols actualy uhhh symbolise something

ALSO YOU KNOW WHAT’S INTERESTING

This is pointing at ANOTHER way. Without the boat. Possibly the Valued Employee (take the long walk) achievement?

I would check it right fucking now but my saves are fucked and I would have to replay everything again and I’m just too tired hhhh

Also Valued Employee does sound like someone who listens to their boss right?

And I’m getting the impression it’s not all Henry’s writing because it seems as if there is a different personality present? Idk

That sounds like sort of both of them. Joey is cheering for Henry, even if he’s planning to make him go through all of this again. Does he... have to make him go through it? That’s a bit odd. Joey nani the fuck.

I like the idea of Joey saying this ok lemme dream vskjvnskjvs

But it could be Henry (past/present/whatever) trying to cheer himself up like he did with the “Don’t be scared” message (if that was also him)

Oh, Henry...

Once people That implies that real people got somehow affected, right?

I love the halo and the bone, also you can see the bone only if you give it to Boris in Chapter 3

Wait It is The whole fucking Ink Machine Is inside Holy

A cooking gay.

Ink Demon/Joey parallel implication. I don’t think he is Bendy in a straight up sense though. He is/was a soulless boss, just how soulless Bendy was/is. I wonder if there is a studio version of him or HHHHHH complicated stuff

Is it like When people create something good but they just don't know when to stop it eventually ends up really bad And the Demon took The End so his cartoon couldn't be finished and it all had to keep going, Joey had to keep going Hm?

So like there is no message on Henry’s second desk

But it does trigger the same dialogue AND IT HURTS

Actually a lot of people missed the arrows so just so you know

But I thought we don’t like doors

Also it’s the last hidden message so I do believe it has a special meaning

CONCLUSION get Henry outta here and give him loads of therapy

Is his fucking last name Stein because he made monsters via the Ink Machine by powering it goddamnit Joey don’t trick people into creating that shit

[jadeargents]

o n e

“Jade.”

She was exhausted. After getting back to her house in the middle of the night and getting two hours of sleep before the busy day she had ahead, Jade couldn’t escape her mind. Fighting in Los Angeles was too dangerous, which was why she went to a lesser known city in California, but the journeys were long and getting a few minutes of sleep between overthinking wasn’t exactly anyone’s idea of a good night’s sleep. After being in the studio early in the morning, she had a meeting with Adam to speak about the first act for her upcoming tour. However, just because her body was where it was supposed to be didn’t mean her mind was.

“Jade.”

She couldn’t stop thinking about the album. Writing those songs helped her deal with her emotions better, but putting them out there was a risk. Everyone would know her now, or at least parts of her. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that. But it wasn’t as if she could take it back, pretend she wasn’t angry or sad or lonely, and she had to trust that there would be some people that would understand. That wouldn’t judge her, or think she wasn’t grateful for what she had — because that wasn’t the truth. She was grateful. She just wasn’t happy. There was a difference, a line of awareness that she could see, but she wasn’t sure that everyone could.

“Jade! Are you listening to me?”

The slightly raised voice made her snap out of her thoughts. She blinked a few times, turning her eyes towards her manager. “I am now. Only the important parts, though.”

“You know you don’t have to remind me that you don’t have time for meaningless details every time we have a meeting, right? We’ve been working for years together. I got your message.”

Jade smiled. “Oh, you never know. Go on.”

Adam stared at her for a few seconds in silence, time in which Jade believed he debated whether he should quit his job. She wouldn’t blame him. She knew she wasn’t easy to work with, and she was surprised he lasted that long with her, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t miss him. He somehow knew how to deal with her personality, and that wasn’t a given.

“I was saying — Julian Diaz. He’s your opening act. He was one of them possibilities from a few months ago, and you said —”

“I know,” Jade interrupted him. “I know who he is.”

“Good,” Adam replied, relieved she didn’t change her mind or forget that she listened to his music and accepted his place on the tour. Anyone who worked with Jade Argent knew everything had to be run by her. “You’re meeting him today.”

“I am?” Jade said, raising her eyebrows slightly. That was unexpected, but nothing that would affect her in any way.

“Yeah, right after we finish talking.” He stopped for a moment. “How are you feeling?”

“In general or right now? Because in general, hasn’t changed since the release of the album. Right now, I’m alright.” She avoided his gaze, focusing on her hands and her new nail polish that was already fading. She knew she could trust him, but telling him how she really felt was out of the question — but she knew he didn’t believe her statement too much. “I’m… tired. But I’ll survive.”

“Okay. Are you fine with socializing?”

“Are you asking me if I’m gonna confirm the rumors that I’m a bitch towards everyone for no particular reason? No, I’ll act professionally.”

Adam seemed relieved.

“Unless he gives me a reason not to be nice.”

“Jade —” he sighed. “He won’t, but… in case he does, I doubt he’ll do that on purpose. Be understanding.”

“I was joking,” Jade reassured him. “Well, half joking. From what I’ve heard, there’s no reason for me to act that way around him so you have nothing to worry about.”

—  —  —

Jade couldn’t stop thinking about Julian while she was waiting for him to appear. She had listened to all of his songs back then, and while his voice was beautiful and the songs were great, it wasn’t the kind of music she listened to regularly — solely for one reason. They were too romantic. And while that was fine for most people, she didn’t have that mindset. She didn’t think she ever would.

Then she saw him. She had to give it to him, he was more charming that she expected. He even made her smile by running into a table, but she quickly erased it from her lips. She didn’t want him to think she was judging him, when she wasn’t. Adam introduced them to each other, and Jade even smiled at him when she shook his hand. She didn’t expect to be complimented on her work, but that only made her feel better. “Thank you, you’re not too bad either.” She could feel Adam’s eyes begging her to be nicer than that. “You managed to make me listen to love songs entirely, which is rare since I usually skip them after the first thirty seconds. You have a way with songwriting.” She knew that wasn’t exactly what Adam had in mind, but he would have to settle. She wasn’t going to lie just because she knew she was admired.

After making some small talk about the tour and asking about what he had planned for the future, the meeting was almost over. While her manager and Julian’s were talking, they were left alone for a moment. “I’m looking forward to going on tour with you too,” Jade told him. She wasn’t lying, or just saying that to be polite. She never did that. She was curious to see where the future would take them.

t w o

Jade had to admit — there was nothing like tour. It was her second world tour, and yet, she never got tired of performing. As much as she went back on her decision to become a musician that exposed her heart and life for everyone to see, this was the one part that she didn’t regret. Being on stage, singing her songs to a venue full of people that sang her words with her — nothing compared to that feeling. It was exhausting, but she wouldn’t change it for anything.

She had spoken with Julian a few times. They were friends, kind of. Jade wasn’t sure what qualified as friends, since she didn’t let anyone close enough. But she appreciated hanging out with him, and she appreciated his music more too. Listening to him perform every night had some kind of effect on her point of view. Some kind of effect on her, but she would never admit that to herself, let alone anyone else. Julian didn’t know that she even added his songs to her music library, and listened to him sometimes to fall asleep. She didn’t think anything of that, however she doubted that would be the case for him if he found out.

t h r e e

Jade spent more time with Julian than she thought she will. She spent more time with him than anyone else, except Adam, which she had to talk with everyday to make sure she wasn’t completely making a mess out of her career. There was nothing that obligated her to hang out with Julian, but being with him made her feel at peace. As if all the anger that she had inside was taking the backseat for a moment, letting her breathe and forget. No one else she encountered in the past made her feel that way. She didn’t know how they got along so well. Part of her felt scared because they were really different and she was aware of that, but she didn’t think Julian knew just how much. She was afraid that if they got too close, he would see just how messed up she was and leave. Jade was certain about that. That was why she would make sure to not reveal too much of herself, which she was used to with everyone else, but with him it was more complicated. Jade told herself to not get attached. People were temporary, and the only one she could count on was herself. However, for once in her life, she realized keeping her emotions at a distance wasn’t that easy.

f o u r

As soon as the concert was over, Jade took her jacket and her sunglasses and disappeared before anyone could see where she was going. She didn’t want to talk to anyone, even more than usual. Which meant that of course, she had to run into Adam. “Great performance tonight!” he said with a smile. He then considered her appearance and furrowed his eyebrows. “Where are you going?”

Jade was glad she had her black sunglasses on to hide how she wasn’t looking at him, only at the exit at the end of the hallway behind him. “Hotel. I’m exhausted and need sleep.” She tried to dodge him and continue her way towards the door, but Adam caught her arm before she could leave. Turning around, she didn’t bother to hide the frustration in her voice. “What?”

“Jade, are you high?” he asked. Jade huffed, unsure whether getting angry at him would be unprofessional but resisting in the face of the dilemma.

“No, I’m not. I don’t take any drugs, and you know that. As if I’m not fucked up enough as it is.” The latter left her thoughts before she could stop herself.

“That’s why I’m worried. You know, if you ever feel like talking to someone…”

“I’ve already tried talking to a therapist, remember? I don’t want to expose my life to a stranger who will give me healthy coping mechanisms that won’t help me with anything. I’d rather just write my angry songs and perform them on stage every night. Now, if you excuse me, I need to go back to my room and sleep in order to not be exhausted for tomorrow’s show.”

She didn’t wait for his response before leaving, walking as fast as she could to set as much distance as she could between them. Adam knew her too well. She didn’t need another lesson on how she could cope better with her emotions when she was fine with what she was doing.

Before leaving through the back door of the arena, she tucked her red hair under her hoodie, ignoring the falling rain. She knew exactly where she was going, and she knew Adam would disapprove but she didn’t care.

Singing with Julian on stage made her feel some emotions she couldn’t quite understand. For the rest of the concert, she couldn’t stop thinking about that moment. She was sure no one noticed because she knew how to camouflage the hurricane in her mind, but while she believed the sensation would disappear until the end of the show, it just felt more and more suffocating as time went on. She knew she had been ignoring her feelings for a long time now, but she couldn’t hide from them anymore. There was some unspoken thing between her and Julian, and she was terrified, because she promised herself she wouldn’t get attached. He deserved much better than her. Someone who was emotionally unavailable and had years worth of pain and anger.

The worst part was all of that went away when she was with him. She knew she would have to push him away eventually, but she didn’t want to.

f i v e

Jade didn’t know what happiness felt like, since she couldn’t remember a time when she felt truly happy, but if she were to guess what that felt like, she would say it was pretty close to what she felt during the day spent with Julian. She knew she was getting deeper and deeper into her feelings, and that she should stop before she crossed a line she couldn’t come back from, but letting go of the only person who made you feel that way was easier said than done.

How could she deny herself of this when talking to him reminded her she wasn’t alone? Or when she felt safe around him to the point where she could fall asleep next to him? Or when she realized their bodies found their way to each other, and his arms around her made her feel as if someone offered her the much needed affection she was deprived of for years?

How could she hurt him when she knew him, everything that made him the person he was? He trusted her. And she was going to break his heart, because she couldn’t be vulnerable and give someone else the opportunity to break her. She knew if he were to leave, she wouldn’t recover. There would be no coming back from that amount of hurt, because she told him everything. He knew the person she was. He knew her better than anyone. That was why she needed to make sure she was the one leaving.

“You should’ve stayed away. You should’ve stayed away. You should’ve stayed the fuck away from me.”

+ s i x

“Jade?”

She flinched. Jade hadn’t realized someone was in the hallway, as she was sneaking back into her room in the early morning.

“Can you not give me a heart attack next time, Adam?”

“I’ll do that when you’ll stop doing the same. Where were you? I was worried out of my mind, and you weren’t replying text messages…”

“I’m fine,” she interrupted him. “I’m a celebrity. I was just out drinking at a time where paparazzi hopefully were asleep.” That wasn’t a complete lie, but that wasn’t everything she did either.

“With who?” he asked, raising his eyebrows in suspicion.

“Ooh, it’s just me, myself and I,” Jade sang, a short laugh leaving her lips at the end.

“Are you drunk?” Adam asked, approaching her cautiously.

“No, I’m not. I just had a few drinks. I remembered where my hotel room is, right?”

“That’s… actually Julian’s room.”

Jade turned her head towards the number. “Oh.” She felt her heart stop for a moment. She moved away from the door, leaning on the opposite wall. She hadn’t realized her feet had taken her there. She just wasn’t thinking. That seemed to be her brand lately.

“Let me help you get back to your room,” he said, trying to help her.

“Do not touch me or I’ll break your arm. I say that as nicely as I can. I can find my way back on my own, since I told you I’m not fucking drunk but you don’t believe me.”

“Well, you’re being irresponsible right now so how can I believe anything you say?”

“Well then don’t,” she said, slightly raising her voice. “What do I care?”

She turned her back to him, walking towards the elevator at the end of the hallway and pressing the button. It was pathetic how her room wasn’t even on the same floor as Julian’s, and yet she ended up there. Because she couldn’t stop thinking of him and what she told him. The thought that he must hate her now was replaying in her mind even more now.

Stepping into the elevator, Jade was surprised Adam was still there after the closing of the doors. Admittedly, it was his job to make sure she wouldn’t hurt herself or put herself in danger in any way, but she wished he could go away.

“What’s going on? This isn’t like you. Coming back at four in the morning when you have to be awake in two hours because we’re leaving. You have a show tomorrow. And the day after that. What were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t, okay? I wasn’t thinking. I just needed to get out of here for a few hours. Everything feels suffocating and I just wanted a moment where I could be by myself. Is that too much to ask?”

A ring announced the elevator had reached Jade’s level. Adam didn’t respond, and Jade was too hurt to care. She stepped out of the elevator and walked the short distance to her room, expecting Adam to follow her to annoy her furthermore. But he wasn’t. When she looked towards the closing door, he only heard two words from him.

“Goodnight, Jade.”

She stared at him until the doors were completely closed, then she used her key card to enter her room. Closing the door behind her, she felt her heart beat faster and faster. She let herself fall on her bed, face forward on the pillow. She wanted to yell, but even though that would be muffled by the pillow, it was still too much of a risk to take given that the rooms on her level were occupied by crew members who knew she was staying there. Instead, she just started crying, letting her tears fall on her pillow until she couldn’t breathe and had to turn to the side.

Apparently the underground fight hadn’t been enough to relieve her of her emotions. Neither the punching bags she used after that. Nor the strong alcohol that was supposed to make her forget. And now here she was, crying after years of having avoided that.

She hated him for making her catch feelings, but not as much as she hated herself for not being able to give the both of them what they wanted. She wanted to be with him, and she knew Julian wanted to be with her. But she was a complicated person, and being vulnerable with him, and letting him see her dark side, was just too much for her.

Besides, he deserved better than her. Than someone who hid who she was from the entire world, that only faced her emotions with anger, that had more flaws than qualities. She didn’t deserve to be with him.

That didn’t change how much she wanted him, because she did, but she knew if she told him that he wouldn’t understand. Instead, she pretended she didn’t feel anything. Paint herself as the bad person in the relationship, because that’s what she was in the end. The only thing she was sorry about that she had to hurt him in the process. That increased her self hate.

Wiping the tears from her face, she stared at her notebook on the night stand. For a moment, she considered writing about this. But the truth was she couldn’t even do that without thinking about him even more, which would make her feel worse. Instead, she closed her eyes and attempted to sleep, but when the alarm announced she had to get up two hours later, she hadn’t slept one minute.

[beeupsidedown]

In Due Time | Billy Hargrove

Sometimes a wake up call and a little time is all you need

The 2nd part to Hit. 

Watching you became torture.

Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. It was like time dragged on, elongating his pain with every second that ticked by. You didn’t speak. You barely acknowledged his existence anymore. You avoided his gaze, steered clear of his usual hangout spots. You’d even turn the other way when you spotted him around town. You couldn’t handle the pain and he didn’t blame you. The passenger seat of his car was empty now, with the only girl ever filling it his little sister. He couldn’t focus on anything anymore as his thoughts always strayed back to you. To the way you had held him, and the way he had so foolishly taken that for granted.

He wanted so desperately to talk to you, to hunt you down in the school hallways where he knew you would be considering he had your schedule memorized. He wanted to beg you to return, to get down on his knees like he’d never done before. But something always stopped him.

You deserved more than him, and he was being selfish by wanting you back.

He watched from afar as your life returned to what it had been before him. At first you missed a lot of school. Then when you did show up you looked tired, your eyes dark and puffy from both lack of sleep and crying. He hated himself for being the root of your exhaustion. He didn’t deserve to have you crying over him. 

Eventually the life returned to your face. You looked like yourself now, your eyes sparkling at the prospect of a new day. You went back to your circle of friends, his fists balling up whenever he saw Steve Harrington throw an affectionate arm around you. He got into fights with boys who dared even whistle your way despite the fact you weren’t his anymore. He’d nearly broken Tommy’s jaw when he made a passing comment about how nice your legs looked in a certain skirt. Whenever a rumor floated by of you dating anyone he’d hunt down the source, relief flooding over him when they admitted it wasn’t true. He even went to all the parties hoping to see you there but you never were. He’d stay there for hours from start to finish, completely sober as he hoped you’d make an appearance. He’d always fill his mind with scenarios beforehand, giving himself hope. Maybe he’d casually bump into you in the kitchen or you’d both head towards the bathroom at just the right time. Maybe you’d step out for air at the same time he would and you’d fall in love all over again underneath the faint moonlight.

It never happened.

He heard you got into every university you applied to. He expected that. You were bright and hard working and that showed. But the reality of you leaving Hawkins and him behind was one that tore his heart in two. He fought himself every day after that. How could he just let you go? How could he not?

He loved you. You deserved better.

The last day he saw you was at Carol’s graduation party. You’d actually shown up, eager to celebrate finishing school with the rest of your classmates. You were as beautiful as ever. He watched as you danced with friends, a red cup in your hand that you only ever sipped from and a warm glow about you. You enjoyed yourself as you relished in the freedom of it all.

It wasn’t until hours later that he bumped into you in the hallway, something unplanned yet seeming like destiny. You exchanged a look between you, as if you both knew what was coming. Your bodies moved instinctively, allowing themselves to forget the past if only for the that day.

Billy’s lips had never been as tender as the moment he kissed you that night. Your lips had never held so much love. The moment was soft yet fleeting as Billy etched the memory into his mind. His skin yearned for yours, his arms hesitantly reaching out like a little boy touching something he knew he wasn’t allowed to. His eyes searched yours for permission to touch you despite the fact his lips had laid on yours just seconds ago. You didn’t have to talk. The tinge of sadness and desire in your eyes was enough to let him know this was what you needed too.

The two of you remained in each other’s arms until the last of the partygoers stumbled out. You didn’t speak. You simply held each other, leaning against the hard walls of Carol’s hallways as the music vibrated through the floors. You watched as everyone laughed, drunk and full of joy. His arm wrapped around your shoulder and yours snaked around his waist, a position that had once been so familiar now a special treat that night. Eventually it was time to go and the release of each other was a reluctant one. He hugged you, enveloping you in a way he hoped conveyed his deepest affections before departing with another kiss, this time knowing it was goodbye.

4 years passed. Billy did what he always said he would do and went out to California, surprising everyone when he actually enrolled into a trade school. He found a skill, something worth pursuing as it was good pay and would provide him the stability he needed. He became a mechanic and a pretty good one at that.

He invested a lot of time into himself. He saw a therapist regularly, discussing the traumas of his childhood and how that had shaped him. He spoke of you, the one who had gotten away. He never quite could move on once he’d held such an angel in his arms and even a professional couldn’t convince him to seek out someone else.

He attended anger management classes on a weekly basis. He was determined to fix what had cost him everything. He learned breathing techniques, the art of meditation, and even had a collection of stress balls hidden away in a drawer. He hadn’t gotten into an actual fight in over three years. He focused his energy into his work instead.

His life in California was good. He had a small place with all his necessities. He had made healthy friendships with the men he worked with. He’d even watch his neighbor’s dog every once in a while, the company of an energetic pup bringing him great joy. But still something lacked. 

He didn’t expect to return to Hawkins but Max’s graduation drew him in. They had grown closer after his leaving with her calling to vent over whatever absurd rules their parents gave her. He tried his best to take on the role of a big brother and offered advice when he could. It felt nice to have an actual relationship with a sibling and he cursed himself for having spent so long clinging to his anger.

She had insisted he attend and so he granted her what she wanted. He almost didn’t recognize Max as she walked towards the podium to receive her diploma had it not been for her fiery red hair. The smile on her face was enough to make him grin as he watched her group of friends cheer for her. They had all grown up while he was away.

He was so focused on Max that he almost didn’t realize who handed her the diploma. There was a line of teachers and counselors who were greeting the kids with smiles as they handed them their tickets out of the school. He instantly recognized your smile.

So you had done it. You’d always talked about being a counselor. You always wanted to be there for kids, to give them someone to talk to when they most needed it. He remembered your excitement about summer courses and the fact you’d be able to graduate a year early if you really put your mind to it. And you had, considering you were part of the staff now.

Max greeted Billy with a hug after the ceremony was done. The football field was swarming with families searching for their respective graduate. Billy couldn’t help but search for you in the crowd, cursing the fact so many people made it easy to blend in.

“She’s over there,” Max pointed out once she realized what he was doing. He followed her gaze and there you were, smiling as you talked with what he assumed was another counselor. Max practically shoved him, urging him to go.

It was like the world stopped the moment your eyes locked on his. The sound of excited chatter melted away as he strode towards you, an eager bounce in his step before he took off into a run. You didn’t stop him as he crashed into you, his arms lifting you from the ground as he twirled you around.

“You cut your hair,” was the first thing to leave your lips once he set you down. He laughed, a smile spreading as he looked you up and down. “I like it.”

“Thank you,” he replied with a grin. “I...how have you been?”

He didn’t know what to say. No, that wasn’t true. He knew what he wanted to say. He loved you. He needed you. He had worked, made himself a better man just to have the possibility of winning you back. Where you seeing anyone? God, the idea of him being too late made him feel sick.

“I’m good, Billy,” you answered with a grin. “How’s California treating you?”

“It’s lacking in beautiful women,” he said cheekily, his eyes shining at seeing you after all these years. Your hair had grown longer and your cheeks seemed a little rounder, your overall presence seeming to radiate with confidence. You were breathtaking

“California? I doubt that,” you chuckled. He watched as you moved a stray strand of hair behind your ears, the action so innocent yet bringing back memories. The way he’d move your hair back in order to place kisses along your cheeks, the way your face would scrunch up when he practically attacked you with his lips. The way he allowed himself to be the same amount of affectionate he would often make fun of in other couples when it was just the two of you. He still remembered everything. 

“Are you seeing anyone?” he blurted out, unable to stop himself.

“Why? Got someone for me?” you replied with a smirk. He rolled his eyes, his hand reaching out to graze your cheeks. Your skin was warm beneath his touch and just as smooth as always. He cleared his throat as he he realized what he was doing. 

“Shit. Sorry,” he apologized as he pulled his hand away in embarrassment.

“It’s ok,” you assured. “And no. I’m not seeing anyone.”

Billy’s face lit up like a Christmas tree at your response. He couldn’t believe his luck. He’d expected to spend a day, maybe two tops in Hawkins. He had thought about seeking you out but the idea of you rejecting him had made him nervous. Having you in front of him changed his plans completely.

“Would you like to have dinner with me?” he invited, hopeful that you would say yes. He chuckled as you pretended to ponder over it, the exaggeration evident as you hummed. You always did like to keep him waiting.

“Dinner with a mechanic? I don’t know,” you replied with a grin. He raised an eyebrow at your words, “Max talks. A lot. And she just happens to be one of my favorite students.”

“Ah, Max. Why am I not surprised,” he chuckled. He suddenly understood his sister’s insistence that he attend. She always liked you. He grew serious for a moment, looking at you with what could only be described as adoration. “I’m changing. I know that may be hard to believe but I am. I’m going to therapy and anger classes. I don’t want what happened to...”

“Happen again,” you finished for him as he trailed off, the shame of what had happened creeping up in him again. He nodded, oblivious to the amount of parents who were circling them, waiting for a chance to speak to you.

“Yeah,” he agreed with a firm nod. His eyes locked onto yours as he spoke the words he always dreamed of saying to you again. “I still love you. I never stopped.”

You could feel your heart flutter at the sincerity in his voice. For years you had thrown yourself into school and then into work, striving to be who you wanted to be. But something always lacked and deep down you knew it was always him. He had been everything to you once, and maybe he still was.

You were making him nervous. He had just proclaimed his love for you and all he had gotten was a tilt of your head as an unreadable look flashed through your eyes. He fidgeted, wanting nothing more than for you to speak. He wanted you to say something, anything.

“I’d love to go to dinner,” you finally said with a reassuring grin before motioning around. “As much as I would love to keep this conversation going, I’ve got a line of parents waiting for me.”

Billy couldn’t help but feel embarrassed as he realized that there were small pairs around them waiting for a chance to speak to you. He glanced at them, noticing how a few were single men who looked just a little too young to be actual fathers. And so he did what came naturally to him.

He kissed you.

“I’ll see you later,” he called out as he began to walk backwards, enjoying the way your hand covered your growing red face after the giant kiss he’d just laid on you. Already the people around were whispering, wondering who the man who had so bravely planted one on you was. It was no secret that you rejected men’s attentions and your flustered look could only come from someone who meant a great deal to you.

“You’ll never change, Billy Hargrove,” you called back, fighting the smile that was fighting its way to your lips. He grinned wildly, knowing that you’d fall back into his arms in due time.

“I have. And I did it for you.”

[broken-heartedgirlff]

Chapter 27 ~You Don’t Do It For Me Anymore

“I won't fall for your games  

So don't hate me when I say

That you don't do it for me anymore

No, you don't do it for me anymore"

Angelique

“Gi Gi?” Mason Called out to me.  

I was in my room watching tv, but MawMaw had put Mason to bed, so I was confused when I saw him, rubbing his eyes in my door way. I knew it had to be a bad dream because of the way he shifted his feet.

“Another bad dream?” I said scooting over in my bed, and patting next to me, letting him know he could get in my bed.

He nodded his head, and got in the bed. “I want Mommy and Daddy.”

“Me too buddy. How is your arm?” I said rubbing his cast

He shrugged, “It fine, but scratchy a lot. Mawmaw said I get it taken off next week.” He smiled at the last part.

“Gi Gi, do you think Daddy will wake up?” He asked me

“I hope he does. Everyone is just waiting for him to wake up. Auntie Liv woke up, so I think daddy will too.”

“ANGELIQUE!” Mawmaw yelled 

“I’ll be right back Mason, go to sleep.”  

He nodded his head and I covered him up, and walked out of the room to go see her standing in the living room

“Yes Ma’am?”

“Is Mason in your room?” She said crossing her arms.

I wanted to roll my eyes, but I knew as soon as I did, I would be in huge trouble.

“Yes Mawmaw, but he had a bad dream about daddy.” I said defending Mason

“But I told the both of y’all to stay in your own rooms. He can’t always sleep with you.”

“I know Mawmaw, but he’s scared. I’m scared. Mommy stays at the hospital, no one tells us what’s going on, we don’t know what happens with daddy. We are scared.”

I had to wipe my tears, because I am a big girl, I can’t cry. But the thought of my daddy dying scared me, more than you know.

“But- But I can’t lose my daddy Mawmaw… I just got my mommy back. He can’t leave me too.”  I sobbed

Before she could answer, her phone rang.

“Giselle, what happened?” She asked.

I looked at the clock in the living room, it was 10:30 at night. Something was wrong. I couldn’t hear my mom, but I knew it wasn’t good.  

“What do you mean, he flatlined.” She whispered.

She started to walk into the kitchen, when she told me to go get Mason and myself dressed so we can go to the hospital.

I nodded, but I couldn’t help but to think, that my daddy was dead. 

Olivia

I sat there and watched how these children looked at me. I could tell they were scared and don’t know what to do. Sage told them that the reason I didn’t remember them was because my brain was foggy, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t love them.  

I came out of my thoughts when a pregnant Lizzie and Jeremiah walked in.

“IS THAT VINCENT’S BABY?” I screamed.

Lizzie just looked at me shocked, “She really doesn’t remember anything, does she?” She asked Jeremiah, and he just shook her head.

Before I could say anything to either of them, the doctor walked in.

“Hi Olivia, I am your doctor, and I want to ask you some questions?”

I nodded and awaited the questions.

“What date did you get married?”

“April 25th, 2010, I was 6 months pregnant with Sage.” I said.

Jeremiah nodded, “What day did you get divorced from Jeremiah?” The doctor asked.

“I didn’t get divorced from Jeremiah. We’re still married.”

Jeremiah spoke up, “Our divorce was finalized about 4 years ago, May 25th,2014. A day after Maurice and Marie were born, and a week before Aiden was born.”

“Who is Aiden’s mother? If he was born a week after Maurice and Marie, and I’m their mother… Who is Aiden’s mother, Jeremiah” I asked while looking at the little boy.  

That means Jeremiah cheated on me…. and I know with who, just by looking at the little boy.  

I whispered, “His mother is Avery isn’t it?”  

“Yeah, she is.” He spoke back

I laughed, while wiping my tears, “I see why I divorced you. That’s pretty unforgivable. Especially with her.”

I shook my head, Avery was J’s girlfriend from before I moved to Cali, I ran into her a few times, simply because she’s Lizzie’s best friend. But she was basic to me. So I never paid her any attention, and I think that’s what bothered her the most.  

I always got weird vibes from this girl that she was trying to take back Jeremiah. I just didn’t think that my husband would fall for it.

“Did you know?” I looked at Lizzie

“Of Course not, and once I did, I cut her off totally and completely. I always thought she was in love with Dominic. But that wasn’t true.”

I nodded, “Can you all get out?”  

“Liv…” Jeremiah said, trying to reach out to me.

I moved away from his touch and the tears started,  

“I just found out that it’s four years from what I think it is. My daughter literally grew up, I have two other children, a boyfriend. My cousin is pregnant, I’m divorced, I have yet to see Giselle or Dominic, or Rah or Lei, and to make it the absolute worst! My husband cheated on me and had a whole baby that wasn’t by me, which led to our entire divorce I’m assuming. By a girl, that Jeremiah was broken by, who I rebuilt into the man he was. I need everyone to leave right now.”  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After I kicked out everyone from my room, they sent in a therapist, Lei came and saw me, so did Giselle. But I wasn’t in the mood for talking. I was kind of in my own thoughts when Sage knocked on the door. She came in and sat on the bed with somethings.

She tucked her beautiful long hair behind her ear and said:

“I asked the doctor what would help to bring back your memories, so I had daddy drive me home so I can get somethings.”

She had a photo album, a teddy bear, a blanket, and some sort of toy.  

“I brought the photos because they are the photos from the past 4 years, of everyone in the family.” She turned in the photo album to a picture of me and Jeremiah’s son, hugging and smiling.

“This was Aiden’s 3rd birthday. The twins didn’t want a birthday party with him, and he was scared that no-one would come to birthday because they were all at the twins. He cried because he didn’t get a party. His mom isn’t in his life either, mommy. So you made his birthday with the twins and he was the happiest boy on this side of the planet. He doesn’t stop talking about you.”

I looked at her, but the memory wasn’t coming back. But I know myself, I would never dismiss a child, my step-father didn’t do that to me. He actually looked really happy in the picture.

“The teddy bear is mine. You gave it to me when you and daddy first got divorced. I didn’t understand what was happening, but I knew daddy wasn’t in the house and it made me sad. But you would cry every night, and didn’t think I heard, so you would go to sleep and I would stick the teddy bear in your bed, so you wouldn’t be sad anymore.”

“The Blanket and Toy are from Maurice and Marie, they said that when they think of you, they think of these things. Marie’s blanket is for when its a thunderstorm and-“

“She uses it to cover her head. It looks like apart of my blanket from College” I said cutting off Sage.

She smiled, “It is your blanket. You gave it to her to be brave. The same with Maurice, the toy is from when he sprained his ankle and could barely walk, but you said the toy would help him get better.”

I nodded my head, “Thank you.”

“No problem mommy, I just want you to get better and remember stuff, because Daddy, Maurice, Marie and Aiden are all sad that you don’t remember a lot.”

I nodded again, before I could say something Jeremiah came to take her home, She kissed me goodbye and left everything she had brought back.

~~~~~~~~

When I was going to sleep, I decided to look through everything, I couldn’t help but be upset that I didn’t look happy unless I was with the kids or Jeremiah in the pictures.

I saw the smile behind me holding the twins….but in my eyes you could tell I was hurt. And Jeremiah wasn’t in any of the pictures.

I couldn’t look at it anymore because it was hurting my head. But when I looked back at the picture, I suddenly remembered I didn’t allow Jer in the hospital room because of the divorce and infidelity. I remember signing the divorce papers in the hospital bed because I was in labor, I was so upset and in so much pain.  

I quickly closed the book, and held the teddy bear and closed my eyes. Some of my memories started to flood back and I started crying when I realized that I made a huge mistake and I don’t know if I could fix it.

The fact that I am still in love with Jeremiah.

Giselle

I was glad to spend sometime with my babies after I called Mama C, even if it was in the cafe at the hospital. Mama C even got to spend time with Dominic and I know that made her happy.

No, Dominic is still in a coma, and we don’t know the effects of his injuries, not until he wakes up. I’m praying everyday that he does, I want to see his brown eyes again, and I want to see his smile and hear his voice.

“Mommy?”

“Yes Mason?” I said giving him my full attention

“Will Daddy ever wake up? I know he sleeping because he got hurt. But Livie woke up, so why hasn’t daddy?”

By this time, Angel gave me her full attention too. I could see this was affecting her more than it was me. But she was trying to be a big girl, and be scared, to not freak out Mason.

I sighed, “I don’t know Mason, He got hurt really bad, we just have to pray that he wakes up soon.”

He obviously, didn’t like that answer, so his face scrunched up, just like Dominic’s, it made me laugh slightly.

“He got hurt by that bad lady. She should be sleep, not my daddy.”

“Speaking of her, She asked if I could come talk to her, I wanted to tell you guys-“

“No, I don’t want you to go see her.” Angel spoke up for the first time

“Angel-“

“No, I said no. Don’t go near her. She could hurt you too.” She said getting up going to Dom’s room.

“Mason?”

“Gi Gi is mad at the bad lady. She don’t want you and daddy hurt.”

“Do you agree with her?”

He looked at his cast, and shrugged, “She hurt me too mommy. I don’t want her to hurt you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a few hours with the kids, I left the hospital for the first time in a month. I didn’t know if this was such a great Idea, but something was telling me to go.

I entered the jail and got checked by security. I love my kids, but they are exactly that, Children. I needed to look this bitch in the face and ask her why she shot my cousin, my son and the love of my life.

I was sitting in an empty room, surrounded by guards when she sat down.

“ I’m here , What do you want?” I spat

“Nice to see you too Giselle, you look well.” She smirked.

“Bitch, I will get up and leave right now, what do you want Kaitlynn?”  

“I heard Dominic is still in a coma.”

I just blinked at her, “Point?”

“Point being, I’m glad he’s alive.”

I just bitterly chuckled, “You must be fucking insane, like literally bat shit crazy. You are the reason he’s in a coma. You’re the reason my cousin lost her memory. Why my son is in a cast! You’ve caused nothing but trouble.”

She shrugged, “I wanted you to feel, what I felt when my son died.”

I threw my hands in the air, “We still are not on this!!!”

She stood up with the chains around her ankles and hands,

“YES! WE ARE ON THIS! I Wanted you to feel what it felt like to have your ENTIRE LIFE Ripped away from you! I wanted you to hurt! and to cry and to be in so much pain you can’t even breathe! You can’t think! You can’t eat! Everything I worked for GONE! BECAUSE OF YOU! I wanted Dominic Dead. I wanted you to weep over his casket. I wanted you to weep over your son’s grave like I did!”

I just stared at her, “You’re sick. My life was ripped away from me. You try to compare our troubles but you can’t. They are completely different. I didn’t try to kill you or your son, I just wanted to know my daughter and let my son know his father.”

I got up from the table, “Don’t you ever in your life try to contact me or anyone in my family ever again. I hope you get the death penalty.”

I went to walk to the door, “Let me out of here.” I spoke to the guards.

“Before you leave,”

Exasperated, I turned to her again. “What, what do you want.”

“I’m actually glad now that Dominic isn’t dead. When Dominic found out that I couldn’t have kids, we started IVF, and that’s how I got pregnant with DJ.” She smiled.

My phone rang, it was Lizzie,

“Lizzie, I’m on my way back right now, are the kids alright?”  

“Giselle, they aren’t going to give me the death penalty. They Can’t” Katie spoke

I rolled my eyes, and turned back to the guard, to leave, when she yelled my worst nightmare.

“I’M PREGNANT WITH HIS BABY!”

I turned to look at her, when Lizzie said

“Dominic’s Awake Gi.”

I couldn’t breathe…. I couldn’t breathe.

“Elizabethe, I will call you back” and i hung up the phone.

She started laughing, “I knew that would catch your attention, and this is how everything is going to go.”

[lifeisstrangeshortstuff]

React: S/O has a down period - no specific cause.

TW: Mentions of drug use.

Some days just don’t feel all that good, and that’s okay. It’s always alright to let yourself feel sad - it’s shown that people tend to feel unhappier when they think they should feel something that isn’t what they’re thinking. This is when people sometimes just feel really shitty, and the day just makes it feel kinda worse. Lately I’ve had an unusual down period, wish me luck that my first psychologist works for me ^_^ 

I did include Nathan in recovery and Jefferson pre-murder-y, and since this divulges from canon, it probably seems really out of character. I’m gonna warn the readers before the canon-timeline Nathan and Jefferson’s response because this is a piece meant to gear to someone who’s not feeling very well, and tbh, they’d be really shit at comforting someone. 

Disclaimer: Feel free to interpret how you like, and to start a discourse if you think my interpretation could use a tweak or two~

Max Caulfield

Max definitely notices that you’re not feeling well. At first, she doesn’t make a comment on it, not wanting to live up to her reputation as ‘nosy’ but she asks a little while later, worried. 

Upon hearing that you’re not feeling too good, and you yourself aren’t so sure, she’s initially clueless on how to comfort you. Max is surprisingly goal-orientated, preferring there to be some sort of cause she can alleviate or use her time-travel powers to help you. When there’s nothing to ‘solve’, she feels strangely restless.

She first suggests going out together to the Two Whales diner because it’s a familiar place that serves nice food, and she thinks that being away from the campus might make it a little less stressful. That, and, she can have a conversation with you about how you’ve been feeling and if there’s anything she can do.

It’s a sweet little date, and after that, you both can just walk around town, hand in hand sharing music through earbuds, before taking the bus home. She’s a comforting presence after a long day, who is very much in-tune with your emotions.

Chloe Price

She’s torn between giving you space and coming right up to you trying to pull you up because she hates seeing you like this but at the same time, she understands that sometimes, space is what’s needed. She’d never force comfort on you. She can really empathise with how you’re feeling, especially because she’s been in an emotionally terrible place. 

However, if she had her way, she’d take you out on a drive when the sun sets or when it’s nighttime and blast the music with the windows opened, to let the wind run through your hair, eventually parking somewhere where you both can sit and she can ask you what’s been going on, or where you can just cry on her shoulder.

If you’re irritable-not-feeling-good, then she encourages a more aggressive outlet, which is the way she vents her anger.

In general, her comfort is a bit more external, because she understands that if there isn’t a specific cause for your mood, it’s difficult to talk you into feeling better. 

If anything, she’ll play music on her phone and slow dance with you in the junkyard, away from everything, then stargaze. 

Warren Graham

He picks up on your down period early, because he has a slight tendency of being a little hyper-vigilant on how his s/o seems to behave, ready to jump in as soon as there seems to be a cause. 

He’s a little awkward about comfort, because he doesn’t want to overstep boundaries, but you’re his s/o, he cares a lot about you and doesn’t want to see you like this. Despite this awkwardness, you can tell that he is sincere in his actions. 

He asks you if you’re okay as soon as he sees you seem down, although he asks in a casual/slightly comical but caring manner. He’s patient and is more than willing to let you lay everything him.

If you want him to cheer you up, he proposes going for a drive-in date where you both can cuddle up and watch a movie, with the experience of an informal cinema, and you’re free to talk to him about anything at the time. 

Warren’s probably the most supportive guy you’ll come across, and the last person to come across as overbearing. If you choose to see someone for your moods, he’s 100% supportive and willing to come along and wait outside the room/office for you, if you ask.

Kate Marsh

This bean knows all about sad days. She’ll wrap you up in a blanket and make a cup of tea, offering an ear if you need one. If it’s just been a bad day, she’ll shower you with love and hugs. 

If there’s something specific bothering you, or a whole chain of events that just lead to this, she’ll be the most patient angel listening to you, validating your emotions and helping you understand that sometimes, you don’t need an excuse to feel sad, and that experiencing emotions are normal. 

If you haven’t been taking care of yourself lately due to your moods, she’ll help you out. For example, if you haven’t been eating, she’ll try to cook something for you - she’s not a fantastic chef but she can serve up a meal or two. If you haven’t been sleeping well, she’ll see what she can do to help, whether it’s read you a book or play some lullabies.

She’ll encourage you to get some fresh air and take a walk around in a park as the sun goes down, bringing along that old-fashioned picnic basket. 

There might be a few soft kisses - on your cheeks, forehead, nose, and lips. She’ll tentatively ask you if you want to seek help for your down period, and is respectful of your answer. 

Victoria Chase

If there’s no cause for your sadness, she feels at a loss for words. She wants to help you but she doesn’t know exactly what would ‘cheer you up’. It might sound like she’s dismissive, in that she thinks that there’s a clear solution, but it stems from wanting there to be a clear solution - dealing with Nathan is already difficult, and she doesn’t want all her close relationships to be stressful.  

She eventually asks you if you’d like to go out together and window-shop/shop in general. She doesn’t want you staying and moping in your room all day, thinking a walk around and maybe an ice cream date would cheer you up.

If you do go out, then she’ll buy you something that you like but decide not to spend your money on. She’s not as rich as Nathan, but she still has a considerable amount of money and doesn’t mind spoiling you to cheer you up every so often. 

She really wants to pamper you, like take you out for a spa day to just relax and forget about your problems. Or offer to smoke marijuana. (As someone who isn’t familiar with the culture, I didn’t write much here haha ^_^;;) 

If you really, really don’t want to go out… then she’ll reluctantly stay. But expect her to pamper you at home then, with a bath and the works - bath salts, essential oils, a little bit of alcohol, tea candles, and music. She’ll sit next to you, dipping her fingers in the water and asking you how you feel. If you let her, she’ll join you. Expect a few kisses.

Recovering!Nathan Prescott

Assuming Nathan is receiving the appropriate treatment and in a supportive environment (FUCK OFF SEAN PRESCOTT), post-Jefferson. 

He’s not in the best place to offer support since he’s currently in the middle of figuring himself out as well, but he offers what he can and it… it’s surprisingly good. A little similarly to Chloe, he’s been in a really shitty place and can empathise with you. While he always had cause to feel upset, he knows how it feels to suddenly just drop in your mood. 

Even though he’s not the guy who can healthily cope with someone who’s not feeling well (since he has his own issues), helping someone he loves does validate him a little bit, easing his feelings of uselessness and being disposable.

If you wanted to watch something to take your mind off of it, he’d pop on New Romantics and sit next to you and might occasionally make snide comments to try cheer you up. He’d watch your facial expressions to see if it was working - if not, he’d eventually be quiet and just sit next to you, letting you lean into him and pressing a soft kiss on your head. 

If you just seem upset and don’t mind him to do whatever he wants to do to cheer you up, he’d turn off the lights and close the blinds. Not for anything sexual, but just to cuddle with you and play some whale noises - things he used to have done to make himself feel better. It’s not for the sole purpose of feeling better, but it’s a good environment to cry in, especially if there’s nothing to be said because sometimes you don’t know why you’re upset. It’s good for catharsis, and if you don’t feel better, you’ll at least know that he’s there for you. 

If it seems like your mood has lasted for a good long while and affects your daily routine, he tries to ‘casually’ slip by the idea of seeing his therapist, but would completely drop it if you refuse.

Young!NotMurdererYet!Mark Jefferson

In general, Mark is a pretty distant person, especially with emotions. It’s not that he doesn’t experience emotion, but more that his empathy isn’t really tuned. However, he is adept at mimicking emotions and knows the appropriate responses to accommodate distress.

He does care for you, not as much as himself, but enough to not want you to be miserable. He’ll use his knowledge to comfort you, whether it be by listening, physical contact or just being a bit more considerate and affectionate than he’d normally be. 

Even though some people might say it’s disingenuous, since he’s drawing on his ‘social norms’ knowledge, and his version of ‘comfort’ is unusually structured, you could also say that he decides to actually do something about your sadness because he cares about you to some extent, instead of ignoring you and continuing with work that could be seen as more productive. 

He wouldn’t go out of his way to do something that disturbs his schedule too much, but if he sees a florist on the way, he might pick up a bouquet.

:: Now comes canon-timeline Nathan Prescott and Mark Jefferson, whose reactions are considerably less… considerate. If you’re not feeling very well, don’t read because it’s unlikely that their reactions would make you feel any better ::

Nathan Prescott

He has a lot of shit on his plate, even though he doesn’t want to dismiss the feelings of someone he loves, he’s too busy neck-deep in his own issues to notice if you haven’t been feeling well. This… probably doesn’t help. 

If you act irritable, it’s a recipe for disaster - he already feels like the world is against him and this is just making it worse. He’ll snap back without much thought as a defence from feeling hurt, ending in a fight where nothing is solved and both of you are just feeling even worse. 

If you act particularly melancholic to the point where even he notices, he’ll ask what’s wrong because he cares, but he’s not the most attentive or supportive person. How is someone who’s breaking down able to support others? He just… he doesn’t have the energy to help in a long-term way, he can only offer a shoulder to cry on or drugs/alcohol to forget everything. If there’s anything his money can offer, he’ll buy it, but other than that, it’s pretty difficult for him to support you. 

If anything, as soon as you tell him how you’ve been feeling, it worsens his feelings of being incapable or ‘not worthy’ to have you, because he doesn’t know what to do.

Mark Jefferson

Coming to this guy with your vulnerability exposed is such a terrible, terrible idea.

If he has need of you, he’ll be the comforting, sweet lover who says everything that you want to hear, soothing you. He’ll use this show of kindness as a way to guilt you into fulfilling whatever use that he has of you, and as a ‘get out of jail for free’ card when he gets angry and hurts you.