#without much mental effort
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Sarant!verse
Cliffjumper:
Minotaur, size Large (8ft tall)
Level One, 22HP (+2 from Fortitude bonus)
5 steps per Movement
+2 physical damage dealt (Strength bonus)
Natural Ability: Hoof Stomp (1d4 hit-or-miss to knock an adjacent opponent over and deal 3 damage)
Sierra:
Quirren, size Middling (5.5ft tall)
Level One, 20HP
6 steps per Movement (standard 5 +1 from Agility bonus)
+1 Intuition bonus on Rolls for Initiative and Investigation
+1 Charm bonus for Subtlety Abilities and on Rolls for Interaction
Natural Ability: Inherent Spite (always deal 2 extra damage to a selected race category) Selection: Altered Beast
Full character sheets under the cut!
(And if anybody's interested, I think I will offer to make these for other muses upon request - feel free to include any specific preferences for me to work with, or take a risk and leave things entirely up to Storymaster's Choice) >:3
#sarant!verse#mun shenanigans#wolfen and warlocks ttrpg#it certainly Says Something#about how long I've been working on this game#that I managed to throw these together#without much mental effort#or double-checking of my reference lists
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Update
Hey guys,
I'm sure you've seen this coming, but I'm going to have to cancel Michael's BC. Between my health issues and stupid need to have too many projects scattered across too many places on the internet all at once, I don't think I'll be able to do it, at least not anytime soon. I'm really sorry, I was looking forward to it too, and then other things went down.
Feel free to use your contestants in your own games, naturally, or put them up for public download. I may still do the BC in the future but I highly doubt it.
Thank you for your patience and once again, sorry for letting you down.
#i talked a lot about my issues on bsky#but also i just don't have energy?#i can do work but i come home exhausted#i can't do anything besides play games#but i mean. play without thinking too much#so like i'm mindlessly mining in minecraft or jumping in fall guys#or i play bg3 because i know it back to back now#or dao because i guess the storyline is easy to follow and i use a mod to skip combat there#hate hate hate dao combat lol#but. never thought i'd say it but 99 % of sims stuff is too draining these days and i just can't do it#because i put too much effort into sims it's just how i'm used to playing it#honestly this morning i cried and wished i was unemployed again#because all my energy goes into work and then i don't have enough to spend on most my hobbies#so. something is wrong here#and for the time being unfortunately i'll have to let some hobbies go#anyway yeah between my mental health and suspecting i might have pcos it's been fun here lately what can i say
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Mental health is reaching new lows rn ngl
#well it’s nothing that my intense exercise regimen can’t fix 😤#but really like I’m either going thru yet another derealization episode or am a minor inconvenience away from bursting into tears and#jumping off a cliff. and like I usually don’t even cry I cry once per season during a bad year#but literally everything and everyone pisses me off. I resent the fact that doing adult tasks takes me more effort now than it did when I#was 15. and whenever I brought up my concerns I’d get dismissed and called ‘mature#‘mature for my age’#nothing feels real and everything pisses me off#even my roommate’s mere existence pissed me off#needless to say I don’t feel very stable right now. well luckily I’m going on leave so I can finally book a therapy appointment#everything is harder as an adult. getting up in the morning is harder#talking to people without wanting to rip my eyes out from the mix of sheer boredom and the cumulative exhaustion of 20+ years of masking#is soooo much harder. I can’t fake office small talk. I just can’t. it doesn’t come out as genuine because it isn’t.#choosing what to wear is harder because I’m at the age where you’re supposed to be put together and know what you want and who you are#while I stil don’t and I’m not even close#choosing what to eat and planning it so that you buy the right things in bulk yet to spend too much to the point where you end up wasting#food. is hard.#I feel like life is like that old college meme of ‘choose one: academics social life or sleep’#*it’s actually choose two#except it’s choose one and it’s careeer success a social life hobbies a good budget#and I can only choose one. but I’m expected to do it all#and I can’t help but think that I’ll always be behind playing catch up#and like my life isn’t hard. I just genuinely hate life#and I really don’t like people. I pretend to like people but in reality I really don’t#my patience for my fellow humans is extremely thin. loved ones are on thin ice too#I should’ve done like a wilderness survival thing when I was younger because at least I’d have the option to check out of society#but I hate bugs#honestly though I don’t think my quality of life would significantly decrease if I had my basic needs met and never met a human face to face#ever again. actually my mental health would probably improve because I wouldn’t have the pressure of passing as normal and of meeting#the standards of black excellence. and in so out of touch with my peers that the chances of me having a close relationship with anyone my#age post college are extremely slim. and it wasn’t like that 2 years ago. now at times I despise socializing it confusing and draining and
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mfw I FINALLY break out of my shell and work up the courage to go to a night club student party with the intention of simply interacting and having fun w/ people (women) only for a small group of guys to show up, chat with them until they dip, then drink beer alone and go home too
#is this purgatory#holy fuck i hate being in a small city i should've just gone to study in a big city but i was scared#now i suffer#let me not even tell you how much mental effort it took to go to a party alone without an emotional suppprt friend / classmate#it has been a night .#im going to sleep goodnight love y'all#Darkey talk
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I am stressed, and I am on edge, and I feel like I'm actually, legitimately reaching my limit. It's kinda funny how my mom was the one to push me there
#she seems to think i have all the time in the world#but i don't think she realizes just how much of that time is spent mentally recovering from#or preparing for#something#i also don't think she realizes she is a huge part of the problem#on top of the general school and work stuff#she's been badgering me to do things for a while now#it's cleaning my room#or applying to jobs#or going to church#or reading the bible#it's always something#there's always something im not doing well enough#then she'll go behind my back and make plans involving me without telling me and then blame ME for not being considerate of those plans#she had the fucking gall to say “there's something going on that you aren't telling me”#like no shit it's almost as if any time i talk to you about something you either blow me off or turn it against me#apparently im getting pretty good at hiding when im having a shit time when im not actively trying to make sure the person knows#to the point when i had an actual panic attack before a surgery once it supposedly came out of nowhere for her#like im starting to realize just how disconnected from my life she actually is at this point and i don't think i care to fix it#i shouldn't fucking have to#i shouldn't have to deal with that on top of school. work. my social life. my finances. hygiene. self-care. etc#not when i don't think she's willing to put through any effort towards improvement#not when she's “the grown adult”#not when her reaction to me making a mistake or losing motivation for something is often along the lines of...#“do you want to end up like your father?”#im so unbelievably fucking done#im about ready to give someone more than just a piece of mind. they're about to get the whole fucking mess of a thing.#the best part? this week's all downhill from here#gobby rants
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I know my health anxiety is lying to me because it's impossible for me to have all those illnesses but then again why so many symptoms man???? Whyyyyyyy???)
#it is so so so fucking draining#makes you put twice as much effort to enjoy your day#and act normal#and not let it bother you#I hate this so much#my family gave me nothing but their bad mental illness genes#i love them#but i don't want to end up thinking I'm dying every moment of my life#I want to genuinely live in the moment#and let it be#without thinking of that random pain that shot up my neck and head#or why my pee is foaming#or the tingling in my little toe#i want it to stop#i am so so tired#of constantly monitoring myself#and i can't even tell if i am scared for me#or for my mom because I don't want to add to her burdens#but then again#i am perfectly fine#i need to trust my body more#it has kept me alive and relatively in good health most of my life#and I appreciate my body for working that hard for me#and I would like to say that I trust it#but the ptsd of the last quarter of 2023 is haunting me#i can not seem to think rationally since then#and I HATE IT#i want out
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i do still firmly believe that if you join a server where there will be a fair amount of selfshippers you have to be ready for some of them to be non sharers & you have to be ready to keep your thoughts about their f/os to your goddamn self if you happen to like them as well. it will not kill you to avoid talking about it around them let alone to their face. it's just improper & wildly impolite especially if you label yourself a selfshipper as well... & if you have the nerve to encourage them to stop having the non sharer mindset bc "it's not nice" just fall into a pit probably
#like. idk. its common courtesy at this point! maybe make an effort!#if you fashion yourself a very kind & compassionate person then turn around disregarding boundaries like that... you are not nice!#i have friends i share f/os with & they simply will not know about it because i know they dont share.#it is not actually hard to accommodate for people especially if not sharing is bc of some mental illness of some such#like idk i have bpd my attachment to emet (& hancock. & weiss. my special guys) is very much affected by bpd#at this point if you disregard my non sharing boundary you cannot be surprised or upset at me for splitting on you!#of course i have a responsibility to deal with my own feelings without lashing out which is exactly what i do#but this does result in me isolating & alienating myself from others if that boundary isnt respected#& guess what! that IS why i became barely active in the ff server. alongside constantly being spoken over but well#& yes it was all because of one fucking person. ANYWAY!#basic decency. respect other selfshippers' boundaries even if you dont understand them. its not hard
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gratitude post
#thankful for my loving and thoughtful partner my caring and creative friends my wise and giving parents#my body that takes me where i need to be and keeps me moving forward#my job that pays the bills without too much mental effort so i can dedicate my time to the struggle#my community that sustains and inspires me and gives me endless reasons to love it#music and street art and good sex and the lights of my city at night
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Wahhh I'm so bored
I wanted to answer asks and answered a few of them before my brain was like nuh uh no more
I can't work on the server or prns.pg or lighthouse or anything productive like that bc it takes too much mental effort that I don't have rn
I can't play halope or icono because it takes too much effort to pay attention and play correctly (I want to enjoy the games when I play it not force myself to play when I wont enjoy it)
I can't grind in kirby star allies bc thats way too damn boring
I have nothing to watch on yt
I don't have the energy to draw
Like istg my brain just wants me to crumble into dust ig :'3
#💫#might play one of those mindless mobile games bc they're stimulating enough without requiring too much mental effort#but it only lasts for like 30 minutes before i get bored ._.#starfilled.txt
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to knowis to be loved and to be known is to b eloved. I want transgender friends who will know me and love me in a way that cis people usually do not
#getting floored by transgendered feelings tonight. I went full femme last night in a way that I haven’t in a long time and it really made#it clear that what I enjoy about looking feminine is the ATTENTION. PEOPLE PAY SO MUCH GODDAMN ATTENTION TO PRETTY WOMEN#I will fully admit that I love getting positive attention for my looks irl. Like I’m not really pretty unless I#put a lot of effort into makeup and clothes so getting compliments on my clothes/appearance is like crack cocaine#which is not healthy. I don’t WANT to care about what I look like#but tbh one of the reasons I enjoyed cosplaying so much is that I got all that attentiob without the requisite feminity. Hahaha hhhhhhh#Last night as I was putting myself together for the charity dinner I felt like I was dressing up a doll. FULL out-of-body barbie vibes#I’m so disconnected from feminine feelings right now. But at the same time I had so much fun being pretty and getting compliments#idk. I don’t even know how to feel. I’m so goddamned tired of all this#if I could beam a perfect understanding of gender fluidity into the brains of everyone I meet I would have come out YEARS ago#I just don’t want to be alienated any more than I already am from the people around me#living in the us south means suffering alone in transness I guess.#I don’t want to be the first genderfluid/nonbinary person EVERYONE has ever met. I don’r want to have to justify my existence#but this cannot go on. but I’m afraid of T. I don’t want to go bald 😭#and I still want to wear dresses from time to time#maybe the solution is becoming a lolita lifestyler. dress myself up as a doll every day for the fucking compliments#leave no room for dissatisfaction with feminity. FUCK#I NEED A GENDER THERAPIST WORSE THAN ANYTHING#BUT IT’S THE SOUTH AND THE NEAREST ONE TO ME IS OVER AN HOUR AWAY#AND she’s out of network. FUCK#anyway I watched an episode of the new f*llout show and it was pretty good 😊#AND I’m playing st*rdew valley again on the new update and the update IS SO FUN#<-lil media update to lighten up this post.#this post was typed up not from a place of despair but from a place filled with the same emotions that a dog chasingits owntail experiences#I’m doing well enough mentally that I can deal with my transgender feelings again yknow. maslows heirarchy of needs with m#with transgender feelings at the top#weekend whining
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cringing so hard att all the times i tried too hard to be Normal™. just got weird in another way instead that made myself and probably other people uncomfortable. i wish i knew a was autistic earlier and that i wasn’t afraid of people finding out i’m autistic!!
#i am usually pretty good at masking but sometimes i overdo it and it's not a good time#rip me back in 2018-2020 when i was really mentally ill but still tried to be social#i feel bad for the people i met back then#i am much better now#although making an effort and being social did help me to get better#starting to play dnd helped a lot!#was gonna be admitted to the hospital like the week i was gonna play for the first time LMAO#ended up not going to the hospital bc of reasons so i got to play dnd!#before 2018 i was just mentally ill without trying to be social for a few years#don't recommend it#i kinda wanna reach out to people but i still have a tiny bit of social phobia left and i'm afraid they hate me lmao
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I don't hate my job or anything it just feels beneath my skill level especially considering how average the pay is
#I've seen former employee reviews and they say a lot of the same things#like being used as a cleaner more than what our actual role should be i.e. support worker#then you'll be doing sweaty and hard work for a substandard pay#you also need a car too so you have to consider that#it doesn't happen a lot but you'll get some clients that expect you to be a professional cleaner when that's not what we are lol#I'm one of their best staff i know this for a fact#so i know i can do more and get more elsewhere without as much mental and physical effort#i mean i ditched a job that i realistically could have gotten 70k a year at but it was way too stressful and i left#that was working with kids in residential homes taken away from their families#usually gone through several fosters or agencies#so you can imagine what that was like
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I want to go outside and find wildlife and go hiking and cook elaborate meals and go birdwatching and go on day trips and make things and reorganize my house but it feels like I'm trapped in a meat prison that can only charge up to 10% battery
#the soul wants but the body cannot provide#it's like i gather the intent to do something and i tell my body to follow through#but it starts shutting down like you gave a high effort command to a barely powered robot#it's like being afflicted with the malaise and fatigue of the flu without being sick#i know i've struggled with having the energy to do things in the past but it feels like it's gotten so much worse recently#and my mental health is also so much worse than it was just a few months ago#i don't know what's wrong. it feels like something inside of me broke but i don't know what it is#i made a doctor's appointment to get some blood tests done because this really doesn't feel right#it's so vague but it feels like something is terribly wrong with me
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i’m not cut out to be the one with the best memory in my household
like i somehow have the best memory and ability to remember passwords despite very obviously having adhd
#doing the fafsa and dear god#took an hour and a half for my stepdad to just send me his login info#so i could do it for him#and it’s literally one question on his because he doesn’t file taxes#and no matter how specific my instructions are he somehow never follows them or gets sidetracked#i feel like a im rounding up monkeys but im also a monkey and its going really poorly because my focus arent all there either#the only way i get through this is by popping an adderall#my attention span is not there at all for tasks that take this long#which is why i’m probably the most efficient in the household#because if i don’t find ways to shorten the task it’s not getting done#also im like now in charge of remembering passwords for people#because i eventually end up having to reset them#and that takes over an hour easily if it involved verification codes or having to use email#because the people i live with want to it themselves and just have me walk them through it#but i feel like im mentally chewing at the bars of my cage when i do this#im not built out for customer service either#because i can’t do this everyday without having a breakdown#i takes so much effort to get my own brain on track let alone someone else’s
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snippets from november: 3/30
The Silent Shore — Part II: Split - Ch14 "In Broad Daylight"
Sweat still poured off of him, his dense curls soaked through and sticking to his brow. I turned, glancing around for anything that could pass for a fan. There were some rolls of parchment tucked inside the cavity within the apeza, and I darted for it, unraveling one of them and folding it in half on my way back to the Diamo. I sat on the bench before him, leaning over the back as I started to fan his face. He relaxed almost at once, his eyes fluttering closed as he rolled onto his back, his hands going limp at his lapels. After a few seconds of watching him, I looked back over my shoulder, watching the door for when Solera would return. “I’m…pleasantly surprised by you,” he said at last, the raspy sound of his voice startling me. I looked back at him, finding his eyes still closed and his countenance adorned with a wan smile. “I thought…after last night…you’d take after your mother…with her insolence.” The hand fanning him faltered and he barely opened his wandering eyes. Once he found me, he reached out, patting my arm with his clammy hand. “But you’re a good girl, aren’t you…” I was lucky. Not only did my sioti conceal most of my disdainful grimace, but Solera’s reappearance distracted us both.
#snippets from posts#wip: seafoam#book: tss#excerpt: seafoam#mc: thala galanis#sc: geros kryiaku#sc: solera aurado#so he's just been unknowingly using magic; right#and part of the world building for that is if you use this kind of ancient magic without something to channel it with then#there are consequences#whether that me physical or mental#his manifest physically based off what he was doing#which what he thinks he was doing was calling upon the Sun god to possess him so he can heal people#and that's what it looked like happened#and so now he's facing some physical repercussions of that#anyways I've had this bit of dialogue in my head for a while and it's nice to get it out#can wait to kill this mf I hate him so much#what a creep honestly#(really it's more of an illusion or glamor that he's putting up to make it looks as if he's been possessed by the Sun#and now the effort of that has caused his temperature to go up and he's dehydrated and exhausted#the more often he does stuff like this the more symptoms would manifest#so it's a very rare thing for him to do)
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WHY CANT THIS MOTHERFUCKING REPUBLICAN LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE it’s literally the same four ads on loop every six posts good fucking god
#like i am literally having nightmares about the election#that’s how inescapable it is#i am so over this#i fucking hate america#i want no one to win the election#i want an end to empire and imperialism and government sponsored genocide#i cry all the time at these videos of people dying in real time#between palestine and appalachia and lebanon and sudan and congo#i just am so angry and i am so scared#i want to donate but i barely have enough money for food rn much less to donate#i do not want to keep voting for the lesser of two evils#i just want to be allowed to exist as a person#and for everyone to recognize the people around them are people#that the people around us are actual human beings who deserve to live and exist in peace with access to basic necessities#without having to work 80 hours a week to make ends meet#i want to have enough money in my savings account that i don’t have to worry about getting sick or taking a day off#i want a fucking break#i want to just cry and cry until i am empty and wrung out and can go to sleep and not dream#i want to be able to focus and i want my meds to work and i want my friends to be okay#and i want my dad to not vote for trump and use my pronouns and treat me like an adult#and i want american evangelicalism to end#i want a free palestine#i want to feel like a person when i wake up and i want to still feel like a person at the end of the day#i just want to exist and i want everyone to be able to exist and be kind to eachother and stop trying to take everyone’s rights away#i know i am screaming into the void rn#and i know most of this probably won’t happen and if it does it’ll take years and years of hard work but i want to do the work#i want to have the mental and emotional space to put in the time and effort and to take care of my community
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