#wouldnt have to deal with jack shit anymore i tell you that

[pinkglitteringdemondildos]

[[MORE]]

Wow it's a real big "hate your body and yourself and you'll always be fat and ugly and disgusting no matter what you do" hours tonight huh?

[just-a-fangirl13]

Thoughts & Theories about MacGyver 5x10 [MacRiley]

HOLY SHIT! 

This episode was absolutely INSANE. Im writing out my thoughts once and for all because I need to stop thinking about everything that happened (I highly doubt I will be able to but here's to trying)

SPOILERS FOR 5x10 OFCOURSE

Straight off the bat, I was screaming *internally* and yelling at Mac when he showed the diamond to Bozer. I suspected it yesterday when we got the snippet of Murdoc saying the words DIAMOND and RING with extra emphasis..(everyone on twitter said I was jumping to conclusions.. I thought so too honestly) But damn I did NOT expect them to actually do that!

Now here's why I am not mad about it anymore. [this is my interpretation you are free to disagree]

Firstly, when Mac told Bozer he was going to propose he didnt say I’m doing it because I love Desi or I want to spend the rest of our lives together or because she’s the one (doesn't mean he doesnt care for her ofcourse)

He said “Ever since I lost my dad & Jack, I have been thinking about the bigger picture and a commitment to make things work is exactly what Desi and I need right now. A grand romantic gesture.” He wanted to propose for stability so he could finally be on the same page with her. They never really defined their relationship before and this was a way for Mac to final bring it together. A grand romantic gesture is usually something people use to win their partners back which is what Mac was trying to do I guess. It almost sounds like he has to do it so he doesn't lose her again 

(ill get to my second reason in the end)

Then ofcourse Bozer tells Riley about it so she can be prepared. Bozer is such a good friend. He is supportive of Mac AND wants to protect Riley. I love him for it! He really is doing everything to be the best friend he can to both of them. (Leannas death was so painful and I just want to hug him but thankfully Riley had that covered.)

Next we get the BIG REVEAL. The moment all of us had been waiting for. 

The moment that SHOOK Angus MacGyver and CHANGED EVERYTHING!

Rileys Feelings!

“You want me to say it out loud? Fine. Yes I had feelings for Mac. There I said it. and yeah watching him and Desi together was breaking my heart so I moved out of his house. I should have said something to him a long time ago but I didn’t and now its over. ”

I had the opposite of a HEART ATTACK! (my heart rate was through THE ROOF!)

I have to say they really really outdid themselves on this reveal. 

SIDE NOTE: If anyone comes for Riley and tries to call her a slut or a home wrecker? You will have me to deal with. Even after Murdoc played the clip of her confession she still tried to deny it and brush it off so it wouldn't complicate things for Mac and Desi. If Riley had wanted, she could have easily told Mac this to his face while he was dating Desi and then let things happen from there but she DIDNT. She kept that secret buried so deep she herself was in denial.

(also if anyone calls Mac a player or anything like that.. I will end you. He is doing his best to deal with everything that has happened to him and people keep giving him shit for it....)

Anyways, we see Mac’s expression & he is just confused and shocked and clearly not trying to think about it because it changed EVERYTHING for him. 

[Murdoc saying I THINK IM ON TEAM RILEY was a HUGE HIGHLIGHT for me! I love him so damn much!]

Desi took it really well too actually. If they keep going down this road of growth and maturity for her I think I could actually like her again. (Russ too when he apologised to Bozer) 

She didnt throw a hissy fit or say I knew it or look at Riley like she was the villain. She focused on the mission & I respect her for that.

(Riley does say, “the next thing you are going to hear on that recording-” and then gets cut off by Desi.. If this will come into play at some point later on or if it was just her trying to explain herself, remains to be seen.)

Then after the climax, we finally hear Riley say the words to Mac in real time and we get our FIRST MacRiley hug of the season! 

At this point I thought they would agree to be friends and make the friendzone thing clear BUT NOPE. (you have no idea how happy I am about it not going down like that!)

I was also a puddle on the floor. SO

“Mac look-”

“You don’t have to say anything if you dont want to. Really.”

“I want to. Last year in Germany. I realised I was starting to have feelings for you. Real feelings. I didnt want to make anything weird between you and Desi. I didnt want to mess up our work or our friendship so I decided to bury it. Until the feelings passed.”

“Emotions aren’t a science. You can’t control them.”

Gosh they are so perfect together! The way they look at each other and the HUG! OH MY GOD THE HUG! Its just perfection.

Now we also see this from Desi’s POV. Again no anger or jealousy from her. I think it was an understanding. She realised that she and Mac were never going to work.. maybe a little pain but honestly everything that went down with her and Mac was her fault too. The lack of trust and understanding was always a problem for them. Sure, things were going well but she didnt seem like she was ready for a commitment if im being honest. If Mac had proposed I think Desi would have said no.(again nothing wrong with that) 

She didnt want to label their relationship..they haven't said the words I love you to each other and I dont think they even live together. It really was way too sudden.(these are just things im assuming people define how well a relationship is going by.. I have no experience.)

Then ofcourse we have what im calling the goodbye scene. Its the break up before the break up in my opinion.

Desi tells Mac that they should pretend the last 24 hours never happened (that might actually include Mac wanting to propose but make of it what you will..) and that they should have a clean slate. But its very clear from Mac’s face and Desi sees it too that he isnt 100% onboard with it. He cant forget about it.

Which is when Desi says “Look Mac just do whatever you feel is right” and Mac looks confused.

She then gives him a goodbye kiss. 

Look if you have ever watched any show/movie before where the characters are saying goodbye to each other or breaking each others hearts...THERE IS ALWAYS A KISS ON THE CHEEK. A final farewell of sorts. 

That is what it seemed like to me. It was Desi telling Mac to do what he has to. Even if it inevitably leads to their break up.

Again real emotional maturity from Desi here!

Then we get the scene, Monica Macer (the show runner) tweeted about back in December.

Mac knocking on someones door. If im being honest? I thought it was Desi’s place and he was going to propose...

BUT it turned out to be Riley’s.

Mac clearly hasn't stopped thinking about what happened. I wouldnt either if my best friend who has put her life on the line for me and trusts me 100%, now has feelings for me? That would turn my world upside down too.

especially if I had feelings for her that I buried so deep that I never acknowledged them.

Also this is my scenario for how their first kiss goes down just FYI.. (Mac showing up at Rileys doorstep and finally confessing his feelings and kissing her *probably won't happen that way now though, but I still love it*)

Mac hesitates for a second before finally knocking on her door.

“Mac? Everything okay?”

“I can’t pretend like the last 24 hours didnt just happen. They did. So I gotta ask. Did it work?”

“Did what work?”

“Hiding your emotions and letting it pass. Did they go away?”

and I proceeded to pass out. My brain just checked out...

Now initially in all my freaking out I thought Mac was asking Riley about his feelings. If HE buried them deep enough would he still be able to move on with Desi but then I rewatched it and I realised he was asking RILEY if her feelings were still there, if there was still a possibility of something ever happening. 

She never told him its all good now! my feelings are gone and it was a long time ago. She told him she buried it but he needed to know if a future with Riley was something tangible. 

BASICALLY ANGUS MACGYVER ASKED RILEY DAVIS IF SHE WAS STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM. *I think I need to go to a hospital now*

So this was my second reason for not being annoyed about the proposal. The writers used it to show what a huge impact it would have on Mac. How much Rileys feelings would actually mean to him. the GAME CHANGER it would be.

A friend of mine said it was kinda funny and a little jarring but I liked it. (I could have done without the proposal) But I understand why they did it. They couldnt have Mac and Desi break up the same day Riley’s feelings came out because then people would hate Mac. They had to make him want to take the next step with Desi but then drop a bomb on him, that would make him question everything.

Again this is what I took away from it.

BUT GOSH WAS THIS EPISODE AMAZING!

I do get that some people are not happy with this and some said it was too sudden *not like we’ve been waiting since season 1 or anything* but I think after 5x11 things will slow down again. Mac may break up with Desi only at the end of the season when he finally comes to terms with his feelings. (Some people are still cautious and I get it but after everything that just happened I find it hard to believe that Mac and Riley won't end up together after all.. not to mention the leaked script conversation between Mac and Riley from 5x15)

Now I dont know how the final scene ends.. they definitely dont get called away for their solo mission immediately after because Mac’s cheek injury is relatively healed in this stills, which means Riley does answer Mac’s question. She may try to avoid it or deflect but he is standing right there so...who knows.

Next weeks episode is a MacRIley solo mission and lets just say things definitely are heating up a bit..*wink wink*

YUP IM HYPED. 

BRING ON THE SEXUAL TENSION AND THE ANGST!

[jj-stein]

anti used jamesons body to torture henrik, and used henriks body to hurt and interact with jamie, but neither of them ever got to meet the people that anti was using. anti never told hen or jamie each other’s names or really explained who they were, partly because he just didnt care, and partly because he wanted to give the illusion that it was his body, and not him possessing someone.

henrik had no clue who anti was using, he had never seen jamie before and didnt know who this lost ego was, but he also never blamed him for what happened to him because henrik knew that he wasnt here with anti voluntarily. anti did tell him a little bit about jamie, just because he doesnt have many people who he can gush about his puppet to, and learns that the poor guy cant speak (which explains why antis ‘voice’ is super scratchy and why he keeps spitting blood), that hes been with anti his entire life, that hes this objectified and completely isolated person who henrik doubts has ever had any freedom or choice in his life. anti considers him a ‘birthday gift from jack’ or his ‘roommate’ and has referred to him as his pretty doll or his personal little whore or his darling baby boy, but never letting his name slip.

but henrik couldnt help but think about him, and to distract himself from the crippling despair and pain he’d wonder about who that poor man was, what his name was, where he came from, what his personality was like, what he did all day while anti was gone, what his relationship with anti was, if he loved anti, if anti was kind to him. sometimes he heard footsteps over his head that sounded almost lighter than antis, but was too afraid to call up to him for help because anti would pin his mouth shut with safety pins if he heard him crying or yelling too loudly. he still daydreamed about calling up to the mystery man who lived upstairs, calling ‘hello! hello! my names henrik, my friends call me schneep, whats your name? are you lonely up there? are you happy? are you safe? i dont know you but i forgive you anyways for anything anti does to me and im sorry that you have to live like this’

and jamie never knew who anti was torturing and wearing all those months, but he knew that he was in pain and didnt want anti to hurt people or jamie with his hands and just wanted to go home, and jamie never held any of it against him no matter what anti did. of course jameson loved it when anti wore him, even if anti hurt him, because hes never really been held or touched or talked to by another person, but it was absolutely exciting to him to think about the fact that there was another person! in his house!! a real live breathing person like him!! he so very badly wanted to meet him, just to talk with another human being because he was just so lonely, but anti told him that he wouldnt want to meet the other man because he was a failure and was a doctor who killed people and was a miserable excuse for a human that wouldnt be worth the time to talk to. he wouldnt want to talk to jameson anyways, he’d hate him because he was just a body for anti and hes weird and mute and socially impaired and uninteresting.

but that didnt stop jamie from wanting to meet him, wanting to take care of him after anti hurt him, wanting to bring him food or blankets. or talk to him, or touch him, or be his friend. he wanted to be with another person so badly that he would press up against the locked basement door just so he could listen out for the man downstairs, closing his eyes and resting his head against the wood and pretending he was with him. hes fallen asleep on the floor, pressing his ear to the ground while he listened to him weep or cry out or sometimes even sing quietly to himself. he wanted to knock on the floor to get his attention, or whistle down the vents so he knew that he wasnt alone, that there was someone upstairs thinking about him and wanting to be kind to him and wanting him to know how sorry jamie was that this was happening to him and that if he could help him he would in a heartbeat.

when henrik escaped, jameson was devastated that anti wouldnt be able to touch and talk to him anymore, and that there wasnt a person in his cold, lonely house anymore. he wasnt even friends with henrik, and he wanted to be happy that he managed to get away so he didnt have to suffer anymore, but it still broke his heart in a way that he couldnt really describe. and when henrik was safe back with his family, his mind free of antis grasp and his body free to heal, he couldnt help but feel a crippling sense of what he considered to be survivors guilt. he feels as if he should’ve found a way to take jameson back home with him, he was suffering just as much as henrik was, it wasnt fair that he had to stay with anti while henrik got to go home. he would stay awake at night crying to chase or jackie about the poor man that anti had been using for so long, about all the different ways henrik couldve done things differently to take him back home with him to safety, where he deserved to be after so long.

but when they both finally came home, when they learned each others names and could see each other as who they really are, they could scarcely look each other in the eye. besides anti, they were the only two people who really knew what happened to each other, and being faced with the biggest connection to their past was something they werent ready to face. they did not speak to each other, or look at each other, or want to be in the same room together because they were afraid for the longest time.

it took some time, and it took some courage, and eventually they were finally able to stand in front of each other and exchange a simple hello without bolting out of the room. and it was scary at first, of course, because they couldnt really ignore the elephant in the room forever, but once they got to talking, once they were able to open up a little, once they could finally learn who they really are, they found it was worth it. 

it was a catharsis that they didnt realize they needed, and finally relieved some of the painful weight that constantly hangs from their heads. theres no other feeling like when henrik can hold jameson close to his chest and say from the bottom of his heart im so, so happy that you’re here. theres no other feeling than when jameson can wrap a blanket around henriks shoulders while he falls asleep and say im so, so happy you’re here. among all the shit they have to deal with, at least they can have a little peace between themselves.

im so grateful that you’re here. im so happy you’re safe. im so thankful i get to finally know you.

[maxhoemo]

Chicago - 1923 

It was a cold, crisp evening in February. The snow blew in the harsh wind, cutting the skin like a knife. Women struggled to trudge up the sidewalk, turning up the collars of their fur coats over their eyes. 

Ian Carter, from the comfort of his automobile, laughed as he lit up a cigar. “Ya’ imagine walkin’ in this, Chet?” he asked one of his goons.

“Ech. No way...” The sleazy right-hand shook his head. 

“Come on boss,” said his driver. “Don’t ya’ feel a little sorry for em’?”

“I aint got no sympathy for a dame in a mink coat. She can afford not to walk, she’s just too stupid. Or proud... I’ll tell ya’ who I feel sorry for... Them,” He pointed out the window. A handful of people stood at the corner. This particular corner was well known to a certain segment of society. “Hookers and Gunsels... Them’s the ones with no choice.”

“Ya’ got a big heart, boss.”

“I do. Don’t I?” Ian agreed, leaning back in his seat. “Speaking of my big heart, after dinner I’ve got a certain act of, uhh, charity... I wanna conduct over on 11th. If you know what I mean.”

------

“Don’t I know you from somewhere?”

“I’m sure you don’t....” Max answered, a little more snippy then he intended. He hated cleaning up after these drunks! But he knew he had to help with the family business... And earn money other ways... Prohibition had not been kind to his family. His grandfather’s Australian style pub had been a huge hit when he’d first come over, but the outlawing of alcohol had nearly sent them all to the poor house. Max had been wearing the same stained old work shirt for a year now. Maybe longer. And those thugs... Those thugs who sold his father hooch at jacked up prices and threatened him and skimmed his earnings...! Those dogs got to live the high life! It made Max’s blood boil! He didn’t even notice how rough he was suddenly scrubbing the table. Shaking his head, he threw the rag back into the bucket and went to get some clean water.

As he was filling his bucket, he heard a sudden commotion. He raced out from the back. It was those goons! Coming to threaten his father again. “Hey!” Max called. “Leave him alone!” He tried pulling his dad back, out of their grip but it was no use.

“Max, please, stay out of this...” His father begged. 

“No! I’m not gonna let them hurt you again!” 

“Ya’ think yer tough, daffy boy?” One goon asks. Max was about to make a smart remark when he found his face inches away from the end of a switchblade. 

“Don’t!” His father cried.

Max was just frozen in place.

------

“Oh Man! That was some good corn!”

“Right here,” Ian instructed his driver. “I want this place for myself...” He adjusted his jacket before stepping inside. His chest puffed out and his men on either side of him. He didn’t expect to step into the middle of a commotion.

“Hey!” he shouted. His loud booming voice enough to intimidate the two goons.

“Shit...” One mumbled.

“Hey...” The other spoke up. “This place is Vinny’s territory.”

“Not anymore it aint. Now make tracks. Unless the two of you want a couple of Chicago overcoats, huh?”

“Vinny’ll hear about this...” One threatened as they left.

“Yeah. Tell him all about it...” Ian turned back to the owner. “You okay?”

The younger one, he just shook his head and looked down. 

“What kid, no thank you?” Ian teased. But the boy turned around and walked away. 

Max just wanted all of these types of people out of his life. Though he knew that was impossible as long as his family was on the wrong side of the law. He sat down at an empty table. Running his hands through his hair, he let out a deep exhale. He took a cigarette from his pocket and placed it between his lips. But as luck would have it, he was out of matches.

“Need a light?”

Max looked up. It was him. “Go away.”

Ian didn’t respond. As usual, Ian did what he pleased. Taking a seat beside Max he lit his cigarette for him with his lighter.

Max took a puff, raising an irritated eyebrow at the man. The smoke billowing around his delicate features. 

“Look,” Ian said. “I just wanna talk to you.”

“Well, I don’t wanna talk to you.”

“Don’t I know you from somewhere?”

Max’s face fell. “No,” he hissed in a stern voice.

“Sure I do,” Ian went on. Flashing his famous smile. “Up on the street corner. I wouldn’t forget a pretty face like yours.”

Max clenched his teeth, narrowing his eyes at Ian. “You’re making fun of me!?” He slammed his hand down on the table. “That how rich cunts get their kicks?”

“No, no. You’ve got me all wrong.” Ian placed his hand over Max’s. “It’s not like that. I just mean, you work so hard. For your family. I wanna help you.”

“Help me? I don’t...”

“Look. I know Vinny cut your pops a bad deal. Sendin’ his chopper squad around here. And, well... I just can’t stand to see human suffering.”

Max rolled his eyes. “Sure...”

“What do you charge up there? 25? 30 cents a go?”

“Kick off...!” Max pulled his hand away, his voice cracking.

Shit... Ian wasn’t trying to upset the little daisy.... “Hey, hey. Shh.. Shh...” He grabbed the spindle of Max’s chair with one hand and pulled it closer. Their two seats now practically touching. “I’m just saying, you shouldn’t have to do that.”

“Why the hell would you care!?” Max shouted in a whisper. Obviously this was not the kind of conversation he wanted anyone to overhear.

“Because...” Ian’s eyes shifted back and forth. He looked around the room before leaning in closer. His own voice dropping to a whisper as well. “What’s your name?”

“Max...” he whispered back. Still annoyed, but confused on top of it.

“Max...” Ian leaned in closer. Whispering softly into Max’s ear. “You’re hiding something... Well, so am I...” He ran his hand up Max’s thigh, causing him to jump. He squeezed it, less than an inch away from touching his crotch. Max’s breath hitched in his throat. “More than just how you bring in the dough... Am I onto something...?”

Max didn’t answer.

“You got thoughts in your head. And feelings. And you try and hide em’. But it’s hard, aint it Max?” Ian’s soft whisper. His breath against his ear. It made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. He bit down on his lip. “I’m the same way...” Max’s dick twitched. He cursed himself silently. Crossing his legs, Ian retracted his hand. 

“W-what are you going on about....?”

“I want to make you an offer.”

“What...?” He turned to look at him.

“How would you like to never work again? What if you could have everything you ever wanted? Just come home with me. You’ll have everything you could ever need.”

Max’s eyes studied Ian for a moment, before he pursed his lips and leaned away. “I am not interested in being your sex slave.”

“No,” Ian laughed. “Dollface. Ya’ got it all wrong. You don’t gotta do anything. You don’t even have to touch me.”

Max raised an eyebrow. He couldn’t make sense of this guy. Nothing in this world was for free. Max had learned that long ago.

“I just want someone around. Someone I can relate to. To talk to... To... Look at... To...” He struggled to articulate it. “...Keep me company.”

“That’s really all you want...?”

“Swear to God.”

Max was silent for a moment. He seriously considered the man’s offer. Who didn’t want to live the high life? Be one of the lucky ones? Of course it was tempting... But these were thugs. They were dangerous. And if Max had learned anything it was that they were not to be trusted. And besides... “My family needs me.”

“You’re family’ll be safer than they ever were before.”

“How so?”

“Look. That’s what I came here for in the first place. This speakeasy here. This is valuable territory to me. I want it. And that’s all I want. Me and my boys will protect your family. And we’ll give em’ a fair price on the merchandise. And I don’t need no cut.”

“Well, I find that all a little hard to believe.”

“Max. All I’m interested in is taking this place out of the control of that putz. That’s my only motivation.”

“Oh really? It seemed more like you were here to chat me up.”

“You? Nah. You’re just a little bonus,” Ian flashed him that smile of his again. “You in or...”

“Well... I...”

“You look awful hungry. You know I just had this real nice steak and toast. But hell... I could eat again...”

Max frowned. What a sleeze-ball. Max lived entirely off of soup. And even that had been tight lately.... This guy was using everything he could against him. But... What an offer... He could only imagine the way these guys ate. And did he really mean that? He wouldn’t have to touch him? Not do anything at all? It didn’t make any sense. He couldn’t really just be lonely. What if this was all some kind of trick? What if they killed him? Max couldn’t really think of any reason they would have to do that. But these were thugs. Maybe they just got their jollies off that way. But then again... Ian hadn’t hurt anyone... He hadn’t threatened anyone. Maybe Max had them pegged all wrong. After all, he and his family made their money illegally too... Besides. Going home to a leftover pot of broth was not appealing. He couldn’t live in regret over such an oppurtunity. Even if Ian was a phoney, he could at least see for himself. “Umm... Well... Maybe I’ll give it a go. A small go. But if I change my mind... You’ve gotta bring me right back home. As soon as I ask, got it?”

“Of course. You’re a free bird, Max.”

“Well then, I suppose I accept your offer. For now.”

Ian grinned and held out his hand, which Max shook. Was he making a huge mistake...?

[jackandmarksavedme88]

@ashphoenix06 @weirdmixofweirdness @honestlyitsjustkennaswriting @emma-wrote

TW: Violence anxd Blood

(I dont have a title for it lmao)

I could hear Jack in the next room recording his let's play; I heard him laugh and giggled. "My best friend is an idiot." I checked my phone, waiting for him to be done. I looked around and wondered how the hell i got here. Four years ago i was just someone just watching his videoes. Now? He's one of my best friends....something i would've laughed in your face for even suggesting it could happen. And yet here i am.

Suddenly the hairs on the back of my neck stand up...something's wrong. I realized its too quiet. I look toward Jack's game room and realize its silent.... except for a faint static sound.

"Jack?? You ok in there dude?"

My question was met with silence.

"Jack?" I get up and walk towards the door to the room hes in. The sound makes me shiver. 'What the hell is that?' I wonder.

"Hey... You ok?" I say as i knock on the door

"Ye-yeah...Im good...hey listen i dont think i can go tonight."

I frown "Huh? The whole reason anyone is coming is because youre here in LA for a while and they havent seen you in forever"

I hear him breathing hard "Just...go and tell them im sick"

I turn the knob slightly to open the door "Jack, are you sure youre ok?

"YES! ITS JUST A DAMN HEADACHE. GO"

I jump back, startled at the rage and pain mixed in his voice.

"Uh..o-ok...... If you need something let me know" I turn and walk out of the apartment hes renting and frown as i step onto the street

'What the hell was that?' I wonder.

I see a text from Amy asking if we are on the way. I dial her

'Hellllooooo?' I hear her boyfriend Mark's goofy voice

'Hey guys...jack is sick. He's not coming tonight'

Theres a pause as they take in the confusion and hurt in my voice

'What happened?' Asked Amy

'Fuckin beats me. But if he was a girl id guess PMS. He yelled at me! But its whatever. I'll just go hang out at home. I dont feel much like going anywhere anymore"

"No. Im going to come get you." Amy said. "Ill invite Katherine and Tyler and Ethan and we will all hang out at our house.... I dont want you alone right now"

I knew why. Mark and Amy knew all about the nightmares, the panic attacks. All of it started ten months ago and whenever they could, they kept me company

I was quiet...thinking back. To that night that everything came crashing down. The facade i built up was torn away.

*************

"Ugh. Youre talking to them AGAIN? Why do you feel the need to be up their asses"

I jumped, startled by Brandon speaking from the doorway

"Jesus babe. You scared me! Im watching Jack's video and talking to him and Mark."

'Yeah. Like you do every freakin day. You ever think they get tired of you?" His words dripped coldly, stabbing at a well known insecurity and finding their mark

I took a deep breath "No. Because they would say so. They would tell me 'hey. I dont feel like talking' and that would be that"

Brandon rolled his eyes "Yeah. Whatever. I dont see why youre friends with them anyway. They take too much priority. You should be focused on other things...like me"

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes "I focus on you enough. Come watch with me! Its funny!"

"No. Thanks. I have better things to do. You should too" his voice getting that edge to it...the one I knew too well, it made me cringe but at the same time pissed me off

"I really dont get what your deal is." I said

"My deal is they stick their nose where it doesnt belong and they dont know when to walk away....especially that little Irish asshole" he sneered.

That struck me for some reason "Hey! Jack has never done anything to you Brandon. Neither has Mark for that matter. Back the hell off" I said, standing up and facing him

His green eyes flashed darkly "You need to watch how you talk to me. Thats another thing, you get mouthy when you talk to them. You forget where you belong"

I stared at him...wondering how the hell it had come to this. He wasnt always this way...and i wasnt always afraid of what would happen...

Mouthy?! If standing up for myself and people i care about makes me mouthy then i guess so! And what do you mean they dont know how to walk away? What the hell are you talking about? Whatd Jack do that was so bad?"

He barked a laugh out "When we went out to LA for you to see them, he didnt like how he perceived i was treating you. He threatened me. Him and Mark. Threating me! Not that you care"

I thought about that trip. About the bruise on my face i got the first night for a hug that lasted too long. The bruise on my arm when i wanted to go dance but not with Brandon... Thats when Jack, Mark and Amy had begged me to stay there.

To leave Brandon... Thats when they peeked behind the curtain i had kept up for the last two years.

"What do you mean by threatened?" I asked warily. Not sure what happened

" He waited till you went to the bathroom with the girls and slammed me up against the wall and said if i knew what was good for me Id 'treat you better' and he better not hear of it again" Mark just stood there and watched it and when i went to say something to him he said it was better that Jack did it because he wouldve done worse! Thats what your precious friends did." He spat. Words dripping with disdain.

I stood speechless.... I didn't think anyone gave a crap. Sure they said they did and wanted me to leave...but i didnt think i was a friend worth threatening someone over

"Well. Thats what happens when you care about someone. You protect them" i said quietly...before i realized what that would set off, then steeled myself for it

The atmosphere of the room changed. It went from normal to almost foggy. The tension grew thick. Brandon stepped up close to me, his 6ft frame dwarfing my 5'3" one.

"Im the ONLY person that gives a shit about you. They keep you around for entertainment. You think they care? You could disappear and in a month they wouldnt even remember your name. Im the one that takes care of you. Im the one that made you who you are. You would still be in your moms house in that backwoods town if it wasnt for me! You keep forgetting just where you stand in this relationship Alison. Keep pushing and im going to have to reteach you some things" his words were almost a whisper

"Now. Unless you want me to wait and kick his ass myself to make him leave you be, i suggest you not talk to him as much." He said smiling...it didnt quiet reach his eyes though. Those were cold and hateful

The thought of him putting hands on jack was too much. I stepped up right in his face

"You can do whatever you want to me. Say what ever you want to me....but dont you EVER threaten one of them again!" I spit out the words, my emotions and courage suprising me

I shouldve prepared myself, but the smack caught me off guard and i fell against the wall. He grabbed me and turned me to face him, pressing my back to it

"I told you. Dont. Speak.To.Me.That.Way" he spit out as he painfully grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him.

"Brandon.. Let go!" I cried. He just laughed and hit me in the ribs on each side. I went down to my knees

"Get up you pathetic bitch. You want to stand up for your man, then do it"

"Brandon. Hes my friend. Why do you have to be this way. Hes a friend!" I yelled through my tears

"Oh. I know. Because why would he want something like you? But you seem to forget how to talk to me" his words dripped in hatred and anger. He grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and drug me to my feet. "Now. Are you going to do as told? Or do i need to convince you further?"

I breathed in sharply, pretty sure a rib was at the least bruised if not broken. But then i thought back to what he said. Thought of what hed do to Jack....because he really was that possesive.

"Im waiiiiting Ali. Or do you need a visual of what ill do to him? Id probably start at his kneecaps. Break those and hes at my mercy. Then ill work over his ribs and his face...if im feeling generous i might stop before theres a need for ICU...."

That did it. I went numb and saw red. I couldnt feel the pain in my face or ribcage anymore. The thought of it sent me flying into his face

I think it suprised him because i had never fought back before. Id always bowed down to whatever he wanted. Because i thought i loved him. Because i thought he was all i had.

I screamed as i drove myself into him and out into the living room. He tripped on his own feet and i landed on him, throwing fists anywhere theyd land. I heard a crack as i landed one on the bridge of his nose and blood started to flow. He yelled and grabbed me and flipped me over. He smacked me in the face and his body weight pinned me to the floor

"You dumb cunt. You really thought that would work? Did you really think you could make me do what you wanted by fighting back????? Youre mine and you will obey me!!" He punched me in the face and i almost blacked out. He looked up to the coffee table and saw his pocket knife and got a look of pure evil in his eyes. "And apparently you need a reminder of the fact that whats mine is MINE" With one hand he held my wrists as i struggle to break free, with the other he grabbed the knife and popped it open, the blade sharp and gleaming.... This was it... I knew i was going to die. Hed threatened so many times and hes finally going to do it.

He lifted the bottom of my shirt up, exposing my stomach. "Now. Hold still sweetheart" he purred coldly.

I started to kick and scream as i felt the knife drag across and slice my skin open....and the world went black..

..........

I slowly came to, blinking against the fluorescent lights. I opened my eyes slowly, letting them adjust. Feeling dizzy, worn out... What the hell was going on?

"No. Shes been out of it since she came up here. Theyve given her medicine to help her rest and keep her calm. No, i dont know what they think yet...... Yes i know you want to kill him but the fact is, youre in England and hes here in Texas... Jack. Dude ill let you know, i promise...alright. Bye'.... I knew that voice..

I was confused. What is Mark talking about and why the hell does he sound so close? My eyes finally cleared and i could see Amy on the couch against the windows... Mark was pacing back and forth. His hair messed up like it is when he constantly runs his hands through it....i knew that was a nervous tic of his... I realized I was in a hospital bed

"M-Mark? I croaked out. Throat dry

He turned sharply "Alison!" Rushing to the bed side he grabbed my hand "Hey...welcome back" I looked to the other side where Amy had perched on the bed next to me, a worried look

"What.....what the hell happened?" I murmured, thoughts jumbled. I looked in Marks eyes, they were wet with tears that he blinked away quickly. "That bastard almost killed you.... The neighbor heard you screaming and called the cops....when they got there they could hear it so they busted in... He broke four of your ribs, gave you a concussion and cut you all up....you had me and Amy on emergency numbers so we got here this morning....youve been here about 24 hours." Tears streamed down his face as he squeezed my hand. I felt Amy rub my arm and looked over to her.

"You guys didnt have to come all the way here for me. Really.... Thats crazy. Amazing. But crazy"

"Heh" mark laughed "jack wanted to jump a flight from England... Oh i better call him"

He walked outside the room and shut the door

"Alison....I want you to come home with us when you get out of here. Im not leaving you in that apartment." Amy said, determination on her face. I knew there was no arguing.

"Ok...maybe for a little while..." I trailed off. We sat in silence for a moment

"By the way....cops said you broke that assholes nose and an orbital bone. Also busted his ribs when you were kicking him when he cut you...nice job" she laughed bitterly

**********

Ali??" Amy said over the phone. I snapped out of my daydream. "Yeah Amy...Im here. Um...Im just not up to people tonight... I promise im ok. If im not, I'll call you." I said

It was quiet for a moment and then Mark spoke up "Are you sure? We can be to your place in no time." I smiled "Yeah guys. Im sure. Ill talk to ya'll tomorrow" i hung up the phone after saying goodbye and walked to my car. Pondering what my life had become in just a few years..... 'Screw this. Im going for a drink' i said aloud.

I went back to my apartment and picked out my black dress from the back of the closet. I felt like wearing it for the first time since i bought it. I held it up to my body and studied my reflection and laughed, remembering the day i bought it

*********************

"Amy..... I really dont think i can come out in this" i said from inside the dressing room

"Alison Jaymes if you dont step out here right this minute im crawling under the door!' She said laughing

I grimaced...embarrassed to be in something cut so low.....sure my legs looked great and it gave me great cleavage but..... id be a laughing stock if i walked in anywhere in this...but i knew shed do what she said. i cracked the door and peeked out, making sure no one was around and stepped out.

Amy's eyes widened "holy crap! Girl. You have to get that. You look amazing!!!!"

"Yeah. Right im sure. And where or when would i wear the damn thing.... It shows too many of...these" i said bitterly as i traced the light scar down my arm and then one on my leg...both left that night by Brandon

Amy stepped closer to me "Ali, you look amazing. Please get it. Especially since your hair is that cherry cola color. Your green eyes pop and this dress just completes it. You.look.amazing..... I bet Jack would be speechless....and thats hard to think of" she laughed, looking at me mischeviously

I threw my head back and laughed. "Yeah. Speechless as to why i would wear something like this. I could have a Playstation attached to my head and he wouldnt notice me. Not that way..and thats fine. But.....this would be good to wear out to get drinks...meet a stranger....dance. Hmmm"

********************

I finished my eyeliner was applying my red lipstick. I stepped back from the mirror and admired myself. Id lost about thirty pounds in the last few months and had to admit i didnt look half bad.....i slipped my heels on and grabbed my coat and walked to the car.

As i was putting the keys in the ignition, my phone rang. I looked down at it as the screen lit up with Jacks face

"Hello? " I answered. Not knowing what to expect

"A-alison?" Jacks voice came through the phone raspily. It made me shiver

"Yeah Jack. Whats up?" I asked, a little worried now. He didnt sound like himself

"Hey...im really sorry about that... I-I didnt mean to yell at you at all. Its just...hard to fight those headaches and....well im just sorry ok?" He said, rushing through his words. I could tell he was tired. Worriedly i said " Are you sure you dont need anything? I have medicine in my purse. I could go get you some food or something...." Losing all thought of going out. Wanting to know what was actually going on

"Yeah...maybe...maybe some soup or something?" He asked. I smiled "Sure. I can do that. Give me a little bit and I'll be there, ok?" He sighed "Ok...and Ali? Again im really sorry-"

"Ah ah" i stopped him. It doesnt matter now. We're good. " i hung up, still worried, but glad to not end on a bad note. I got back out of the car and hurried inside. Instead of changing i just grabbed some sweat pants and old tshirt to change into when i got there.

About an hour later i knocked on the door. Jack opened it and invited me in...not speaking. I was carrying some chicken soup from the diner i loved going to. Homemade and it smelled amazing

"Hey. Thanks for coming back....what is all that?" Jack chuckled as i put the food and a bag from the pharmacy on the counter

"Well, i got tylenol, ibprophen and even some icy hot and vicks..... I didnt know what was causing the headache so i just grabbed what i use for different ones" I studied him for a moment.... "You sure you're ok? You freaked me out"

He looked at me with a sad expression "Yeah...im really sorry Ali...i dont know what happened. I feel like an asshole" he stared at the ground. I stepped toward him and put my hand on his shoulder. "Hey. I told you not to apologize anymore. All is forgiven. I just want to make sure youre ok Jack. Thats all that matters..ok?" He looked up, his blue eyes staring into mine and nodded. "Yeah...okay" he sighed and relaxed.

The he looked me up and down "what the hell are you wearing?" He laughed

I looked down, suddenly remembering the clothes in the bag on the table and the fact that i had my dress on. Blushing i laughed "Well. I was on my way to get a drink when you called.....i brought some clothes to change into.. I look dumb i know, i just didnt want to take the time to change' He looked down at my feet "were you going to wear your converse to the bar??" He said teasingly.

I laughed "No! I had heels on, but i didnt think you needed to see all that! Shut up!" I said throwing my hands up. Uncomfortable under his gaze all of a sudden. Feeling his baby blues on me

He touched my arm lightly and chuckled "hey. Im sorry. I didnt mean anything by it. Honestly you look great Alison. Ive never seen you dressed up like this"

I stared at my feet for a moment, trying to regain composure. "Well. Let me go change. You start eating" i said. Grabbing the bag with my clothes i went into the bathroom and changed.

After eating we sat down and popped in a movie. As it played i watched Jack from the other end of the couch...studying him. He seemed normal....i guess. There was still something off...but maybe hes just getting sick.

I held out the bowl of popcorn wed made and offered it to him. When he didnt notice i took a piece and tossed it at the side of his face

"Huh?! What the hell?" He said. I laughed "dude. You were spaced the hell out!" He grabbed the bowl and then looked at me mischeviously. He got a handful of popcorn and lobbed them at my face, laughing

"Hey! I threw a single piece! Not fair!" I dove over to his side of the couch for the bowl, giggling as he transferred it to his far hand and held it out of reach. "Urghh. Why am i so..short?" I growled as i struggled to reach it.

"Because its fun to play keep away" Jack laughed. I tried to get up to steal it but he held me with one arm. "Thats not fair either!" I laughed, collapsing as he poked me in the side. I looked down at him, one arm stretched over the side of the couch with the bowl of popcorn and me pretty much just laying on him....suddenly very aware of my face's proximity to his face...i flushed crimson and sat up and adjusted myself so i was again leaning to the other side of the couch

"Rude. Im ticklish and short...whats your flaw?" I jokingly pouted. He threw his head back and laughed. "You don't have the time or mental space for all my flaws Alison" Jack got up "Ill be right back. I want to make sure the video uploaded right" he walked into his game room, leaving the door cracked open.

After about five minutes i stood up, stretching and went to the kitchen to get a drink. As i was standing there, my back to the living room, i heard...laughter? My head whipped around...that didnt sound like Jack though. It was...weird. I sat my glass on the counter and creeped up to the crack in the game room door.

"Jack....hows the video?" My question was met with silence so i pushed the door open.

Jack sat in the corner of the room, on the floor, back to me with his head in his hands. His head was moving...twitching side to side..

"J-Jack? Are you ok?" I walked slowly to him...suddenly aware of how very silent it was...i couldnt even hear outside nosies....

I reached my hand out and right as i was about to grab his shoulder he spoke...pained....like he was fighting with the words.

"Al-Alison....go back to the living room....please....please just go.....just go in there ok? Give me a little bit...Im-Im fine but i need you to go...shut the door....please ali"

I shrunk back...he sounded almost desperate. "Jack. Please...let me help you...if youd just tell me what's wrong...."

He laughed bitterly "No. I need to be alone on this...please just go....and....do one other thing?" he sounded serious. I swallowed hard, fighting the urge to jerk him up and find out what was going on.

"What is it?" I asked softly.

"Ali.....just remember..no matter what i say when i get like this .. I love you. Ok? I dont say it enough but i do. You're always there for me " i stood there...replaying his words, my heart hammering in my chest as he suddenly bent further down, face almost touching the floor and grabbing his head. I ran out of the door and shut it, my hand lingering as i wispered "i love you too......"

I sat looking at my phone, trying to distract myself. It buzzed with a new message. It was from my cousin Jennifer.

J: Hey cousin. What're you up to??"

Me: Nothing. Over at the apartment Jack's renting while hes in LA. You

J:Nm. Ooooooo Jack huh? You ever admit to yourself, or him, what a major crush you have on him? Or still in denial?

Me:Jen! No. And im never telling him that! Its fuckin weird. He's my best friend and thats it

J: whatever. You know, you just need to grab him by the shirt and lay one on him. I bet yall would be down and dirty in two seconds

Me: omfg Jen. Im done with you lmfao. Jesus. Dirty ass mind

J: Yeah. Like you haven't daydreamed about him saying your name in that cute little accent in the bedroom. But seriously....say something. Youll never know till you do

Me: yeah ok. Thanks Dr Phil.

I put my phone down, laughing at her. Then looked up when i heard the game room door open. Jack stepped out, looking as though hed been through a war.

"Jack!" I just up and hurried to him. Wrapping an arm around his waist i led him to the couch. "Sit your ass down. And tell me whats going on" i demanded as we sat on the couch.

He looked at me, his blue eyes searching mine. "Alison. There are some things i never want you to deal with....and that is one of them" i reached my hand out, cupping his face. "Jack. Youre my best friend. And i swear to you Im here. No matter whats going on...ok?" He nodded and closed his eyes, leaning his head to the side trapping my hand to his shoulder.

He suddenly looked up. Almost....frightened.

"Jack?" I said quietly. He turned toward me.... Everything became very still, his head twitched to the side. "Damnit" he whispered, standing quickly. This time i followed him as he walked away.

"Oh no. We aint doing this shit again. What the hell is happening" i demanded. He suddenly stopped at the closed bedroom door and i ran into his back

Jack....c'mon. This isnt funny." I said, angry and little bit terrified

He began to laugh but....it was off. It sounded....higher pitched and crackling. Suddenly he shook his head "No! Leave her alone!!!" He shouted, smacking the side of his head.

"Jack! What the hell!?" His head twitched side to side. I stepped back, the hair on my arms standing up. Something is wrong here. I reached out slowly, touching his shoulder and in a whisper choked out "Ja--Jack?"

Suddenly i was being twisted and thrown backwards against the wall, his hand at my throat, head hanging to his chest. "Jack!" I screamed. "WHAT ARE YOU----"

My words died in my throat as he raised his head, his beautiful blue eyes had been replaced by emotionless black. His head cocked to the side as he grinned evily at me.. Teeth seeming longer

"Alison" the thing purred "Dont you know when someone says to leave them alone. .you should? You know the saying about the cat and curiosity dont you kitten?" All color drained from my face

"An--anti? What. How?" I stammered. Not believing this" he got rid of you....you were gone!

The demon threw his head back and laughed. "Oh Ali....you think this...weakling could kill ME? You think id be defeated by your BOY?" He spit out mockingly, his grasp tightening on my throat. "Jack and i. We are the same person. Without me, theres no him" he giggled that insane laugh again. Id only ever heard it in videos....it was so much worse in real life

"Anti. Hes NOTHING like you. Hes pure good. Strong, smart and successful. Youre just a glitched out bitch that has become a joke. Your angry turtle voice isnt going to scare me. Show me something worthwhile or get the hell out!"

His gaze locked onto mine, it felt as though he was staring deep into my soul.....then he smiled, the grin sinister.

He leaned right into my face, waving the knife that was in his other hand and running it gingerly down my arm. "Should i leave a few more scars? Im a bit more well learned in this than Brandon was though Princess.....i bet my scars will run deeper..maybe ill let Jack watch as i cut you.. I think hed enjoy it" he growled. I stiffened at his words.

"Anti. Youre nothing like him. Youre not even HALF the man Jack is' i spit out, pissed off and scared. He studied me for a moment and leaned over into my ear. His breath hot on my neck

"You think hes just so perfect? Such a good boy?" He purred into my ear "i just want to cut you....to make you feel pain. Him? He wants you to enjoy it when he hurts you" his knife traced my side as he spoke. " They say Im from hell and some of the things in his head when hes around you almost make me blush" the words came out half amused and half disgusted. He leaned back and laughed, the sound twisted and distorted. "Hes a pussy. Cant even do anything about this.....he couldnt even save you from Brandon...and he reallllly wanted to let me loose that day. Had him against the wall and everything" The glitch laughed darkly

"And now. He gets to watch while i kill you.....i might even let him back to reality after so he can feel your blood on his hands" Antisepticeye giggled again.

"Jack! I need you to wake up.....i need you to fight this! Please!" I pleaded, searching for any sign of him in the abyss that his eyes had become. "Jack!!!" I raised my hand and slapped him almost instinctively.

All of a sudden he fell to his knees. Clutching his head. "Aghhhhh!!!" His yell ripped from his throat, the sound of torture.

"Jack. Fight him! Please!!!! " i dropped to my knees in front of him and grabbed his face in ny hands. When i forced him to look at me his right eye shown that beautiful blue color...the other still black. "Jack. Come on. Please. You can do this. Please come back! I didnt tell you i love you too!! You have to come back so i can tell you!!"

I began to sob as he fell to the floor, jerking and holding his head, cries of pain eminating from deep within.

And suddenly.....he was still.

I reached for him, still on my knees. "Jack?" I said softly as i touched him. I rolled him over. His eyes were closed and he was too still for a long moment

Then he coughed. I sank to the side, butt hitting the ground and sighed. He half sat up and looked at me. Both eyes the most beautiful shade of blue id ever seen

We stood up and after a moment he looked at me. "Alison....oh my God. Your neck..." I looked at him "My neck?! Thats what youre going to comment on??!?" I half yelled incredulously. "Really?! Not the fact that Anti has been screwing with you??? You didnt think we needed to know?!"

Jack stepped closer to me, fingers trailing my throat....tracing the sore spots left by anti's hand. "Im so sorry....i didnt mean to...i.... Oh God whats happening to me?! He cried out.

I stepped forward and buried my face in his chest hugging him tightly. Both of us crying.

"Jack.....i almost lost you." I whispered.

"He almost killed you Alison......that asshole almost......and i couldnt stop him! How fuckin useless am i? He cried out

I stepped back and looked at him and then held him tightly. "Jack. You didnt do anything wrong " i said

"It was MY hand around your throat Ali!!!" He yelled as he pushed away. "Dont you get it? I stay so far away so i dont end up hurting anyone." He turned his back to me, wiping his face and walked to the bedroom.

I followed him and sat beside him on his bed. Silence stretched out. Neither of us knowing what to say. Then he spoke "I cant believe i threw you into a wall and choked you..."

I laughed and before my brain could filter my words i said "Oh cmon....it wasnt that bad. I mean, if not for the whole Anti posessing you thing it wouldve been kinda hot!".... Then realizing what i said i fell backwards and just laughed, soon he was laughing his ass off right next to me. "What the ACTUAL FUCK Alison!!???" He sputtered, the fuck sounding more like FOOK in his accent, as he laughed more. "I dont fuckin know. I was almost choked out by a demon glitch Jack!" I shot back through my laughs.

Soon the laughter died and i sat up. Taking a deep breath...Suddenly he grabbed my hand and said softly.. "Did you mean it?"

I looked at him. "Did i mean what?" I asked. He looked down at the floor and then spoke as he raised his gaze to meet mine "When you said you loved me......did you mean it?

I stared at the ground a long while...then stood up fidgeting with my hands and i walked back across the room, putting my back to him as i spoke

"I-i....mean..." I sighed hard and just let the words out "Yeah. Ive always meant it when i said it Jack.... For the last three years." I heard him stand and walk up behind me. "Well alison....you couldve said something." He said softly

I laughed and turned to face him "Yeah. Let me just tell my best friend that somewhere along the way i fell for him. Let me open myself up to THAT rejection. Ha! No. Thanks im good with that." He studied my face intently, then reached up and pushed my hair behind my ear and cupping my chin

"What kinda of an idiot would reject you?" He asked softly and then said "well....ok im an idiot for not noticing.....but not that big of an idiot. I have my limits you know..' and with that leaned his face down and pressed his lips to mine. The world stopped for a minute, and then i wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back as he pulled me against him.

When he pulled back we were both breathless "Jack....." I said and then stopped. Not knowing what to say so i leaned against his chest. Wrapping my arms under his to hold him. His hands trailed up and down my back as we stood there, completely comfortable in our slience.

He sharted shaking and laughing again out of no where. I stepped back and he shook his head "Sorry. Sorry. Just what you said earlier... I cant believe that came outta your mouth!"

Putting my hands on my hips i glared at him playfully "you just haaad to go a ruin a great moment didnt ya!" Then i started laughing too.

He put his hands on my shoulders "Ali...hon. Im sorry its just hilarious hearing you say that! Dirty minded much?" Then he stopped and very slowly stepped closer and closer to me until my back hit the wall softly and he stared me down with a serious look.

"J-Jack?? Very funny. Ha ha. Stop it"

He smiled. His blue eyes twinkling. "What? I just wanted you to have a better memory of being backed into a wall by me is all" his hand softly pressed to my throat as his mouth captured mine again, more urgent this time, pressing his body to mine. Softly but in control of my every move.

[fart-gate]

SG1

Season 2 episode 4

"THE GAMEKEEPER"

Notes by me

- PJ7989

- the building on this planet looks like a greenhouse dome

- jack: 😎

- sneezy!Daniel

- suspicious people in pods

- why are they dressed for a funeral

- OKAY here we go

- memory loss?? They dont remember where they were

- OH SHIT

- ???? Kowalski????

- he just called Jack "captain"

- is this jacks memory

- this is 1982 so Jack would have been around 22 or 23? A little baby!

- TEALCS HAIR LOL

- wait he has no forehead sticker either

- the goauld are trying to create time travel and I feel like this is gonna come up later in the series. Thats too cool of a potential storyline

- this, however is NOT time travel bc tealc is there and he has no forehead sticker and hair. He wouldnt just be magicly different if they time traveled

- also where is Daniel and Sam

- what are these soldiers and Jack trying to do anyway

- Jack watching his friends die again I'm emotional

- theyre on a loop!!! What is going on

- daniel and Sam are in a New York Museum ooooo

- "okay.....what just happened" my thoughts exactly

- assuming its daniels memory bc theres archeology stuff everywhere

- did some guy in the back round just say "dr jackson"

- his parents. 😟 since the theme is horrible past events I feel like this isnt gonna end well

- HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS MOM

- lol both his parents have glasses no wonder his eyes are terrible

- this is extremely fucked up

- lmao micheal shanks acting is so good I want to die 🙃 can u imagine watching your parents get crushed for a second time. What the fuck

- Jack not wanting to go thru this again😟

- the weird people in black are watching

- they changed the position of the bad guys on purpose!!! Cheaters!!

- another loop! Lets try this AGAIN shall we

- "the keeper" youre dressed like a douche

- why does this guy even care if Jack saves his friends or not

- Jack nooooo theres nothing you could have done to save those men

- "we're not playing this game" thats right!!! Hunger games style!!!

- "tell me this isnt real"

- Sam confirming my theory that this isnt real 💞

- daniel being forced to watch his parents die AGAIN. Who said this was ok. This man has enough problems

- "danny" OH MY GOD

- daniel going the extra mile and saying he broke his leg while standing right in front of them. A for effort!

- "okay sweetie?" I'm losing my grip on my emotions right now bye

- how old was he when this happened?

- when the tour guide turned into the keeper dude it scared me lol family friendly shows making me jump

- "where's the fun in that?"

"FUN?!?"

Wrong choice of words douche bag!!! You just proved youre an asshole

- are they watching this for entertainment

- *Daniel watching his parents die for the third time*

The people in black:

- when Daniel stares into his moms eyes for the first time since he was a child. I'm fine I'm just having some thoughts

- "danny jackson!" AHSDJSOSNS

- I cant take this micheal shanks is such a good actor tears are streaming down my face

- hey how come the keeper didnt take a memory from sam

- I dont want him to watch his parents die on a loop for hours!!! What the fuck!!!

- lmao Jack and Daniel doing the exact same thing and being stubborn as hell

- Ah!! Reunited and it feels so good

- the goauld changed sams brain chemistry and thats why he couldnt read it??? Thats SO COOL

- but also how does that work

- assholes???? Like u watch people relive their most traumatic moments??? The fuck is wrong with you

- they are too stupid to know that their own planet is livable again

- the keeper is a douche bag Confirmed and no one is surprised

- yeah sending the people in black away will certainly convince them that youre keeping them safe👌 idiot

- wake up!

- Jack jumping out of the pod lmfao

- youre still in the simulation ya big dummies!! Its very obvious!!

- daniels glasses resting on his head👓

- gee hammond is super on board with the keepers ideas it almost seems like its NOT HAMMOND HHHMMM

- "are you cracked??"

- catch on guys come on

- "sit down, colonel!"

"I dont think so BUCKO"

- there it is!!! Somebody stab themselves to wake up or jump off a high rise or somethin havnt you guys seen Inception

- the keeper is so obvious its not even funny. Like he barely tries to hide the fact that its him lol

- oh hello again Kowalski

- he used to make Daniel laugh 😫

- Jack plays street hockey!

- these people in black dont even know that their planet is literally Eden

- "In our memories...before the simulation....leave me alone"

I forgot he can show them the planet with his memory. Good plan

- are they out for real this time. I'm gonna assume yes since theres only 4 minutes left

- haha his people ruined their own planet and made it unlivable. Environment killing civilians go in the containment pod to think about what theyve done

- theyre out!! Like rats escaping the lab

- when the keeper is losing it bc their picking all his flowers and sg1 just turns around and leaves. Aint dealing with this shit anymore! good luck PJ7989! hope these people dont ruin your atmosphere again lol

~

Whump under the cut

Jack Oniell whump: emotional, punched, shot at, memory loss ish , traumatic memory of former soldier days

Daniel jackson whump: emotional, crying, yelling "no!" Multiple times, traumatic memory of parents death

🎶listening to Out Of My Head by Theory Of A Dead Man

[missjackil]

My 12X22  Opinion

Who We Are Im going to give this episode a standing ovation! I absolutely LOVED it! This is the kind of episode that made me want to watch it again, immediately after it ended, and I stopped sobbing. This could have stood on its own as a season finale, even without a cliff hanger. We start off in the bunker with Sam, Dean and bitch face Toni trapped with no water, lights, and having the air pumped out. This itself was kind of a silly method of death for the boys, because... well.. how would they not get out? But Im not complaining, I certainly don’t want them to die!  Mary is out and about, brain washed and killy. She just killed a hunter and shes ordered to kill Jody. We all like Jody so even though we know the boys will get out eventually, will it be in time to save Jody? Very good suspense build to start with.  Now the dynamic duo and the Brittish peice of shit, try this weird spell to turn the bunker back on, that needs virgin blood, Just kinda humorous I guess, not really anything I thought would work, but then the boys try to bash their way through a concrete wall. This was awesome! Not only was it incredibly hot to watch them in single layers, all dirty and sweaty, in safety goggles swinging around pick axes, but it turned into a very moving brother moment. Sam takes responsibility for deciding to work with the Britts, and though Id wish he would stop blaming himself for everything, it is kind of one of his charms that I find endearing. He has a great monologue and my favorite part : “Once I was in, I just followed.... because it was easy.... easier” (Dean) “Easier than what?” “Than to lead”

I never blamed Sam for wanting to try. I knew in 12x1 while he was chained to a chair and Toni told them what they do, he’d want to check it out himself. I was sure it would go bad too, but this is Supernatural, and if any pattern is steady, its the boys break it, then they fix it. I was also happy to see that Dean didnt chastise him, blame him for anything or whatnot, he just listened. Then the brother sat there, with the air thinning and Sam’s chest heaving (thank you Chuck) talking about their pending demise. Maybe it wasn’t how they would have wanted it, but they were together. When and if the time comes that they actually do draw their final breaths, they will be together.  Then Dean has the best idea to finally use the grenade launcher... and Sam isn’t even going to try to stop him this time. Toni is telling them theyre lunitics and they could all die if the building collapses on them. Sam and Dean have the BEST exchange of looks, because they dont care. If theyre gonna die, it will be in a blaze of glory, but its also the best bet to get them out.  I really did feel Sam’s anxiety when he went to look for Dean after the blast. His moment of relief when he saw the clearing made around the pipe and then his horror as the concrete collapsed into it. Panic mode yelling for his brother, not giving a shit where Toni is, where the hell is Dean?? Then the air is gone, he cant breathe, and just as he collapses from lack of air, in walks Dean, a little bloody and broken, but he’s ok. “Hey lunitic!” and all the life and love goes back into Sam’s face. (siiigh) Ok so we’re out of the bunker and safe, but now for some reason, Sam has some kind of blood stain on the front of his shirt, and he hasnt been bleeding? Only one bleeding is Dean and I dont know how Sam would get it on his stomach, but you can imagine whatever you want I guess LOL! We head off to Jody and find her safe but she has psycho!Mary tied up. Lets call all the hunters we can think of and take the Britts on ourselves. Of course the dudes that killed them in S5, show up and cant look the brothers in the eyes, but in traditional Winchester fashion, the boys look ;past it to fight for the greater good.  Sam takes control (purrrr) he has a wonderful, humble speech, thats very well worded and not the typical locker-room inspirational speech. He decides to take it on himself and not put any responsibility on Dean, which was odd because Dean wasn’t claiming it was all Sam’s idea anyway, but Sam was more “this ones on me” and for the first time ever, he asks people to follow him, into what might be their final fight.  What transpires after this started me crying and never let me go. Dean encourages Sam to do this without him, even though Sam will take a jacked up Dean Winchester over 10 other hunters any day, Dean supports him, and pridefully tells him he’s got this. He’s ready. And the bro hug Ive been waiting for all season happens!! It was wonderful!! “Cmere.... you come back” Sam :”promise” “Bitch” (Sam chokes back tears) “jerk” and my water works start!  Ive read a lot of you complaining this was too little, too late, or that it was fan service or whatever. I think it was perfect and right in place, even if it was long overdue. And if the powers that be heard the fans bitching about the lack of bromance, and started putting it back, then our work here is done! Now we move on to Dean getting into Mary’s head, while Sam is off fucking shit up over at the base. These scenes between Dean and Mary was some of the best acting Ive seen Jensen do ever. The initial “I hate you” cut me in 2. This, the man Ive watched for 12 seasons pine over his dead mother and longing to have a relationship with her, has now been broken down to hate her. And he tells her whats what, pulling no punches. Yeah dad lived but this is what happened, and gave her the condensed version of how he had too much responsibility put on him to take care of Sam and it wasnt fair because he couldnt do it.... Sam’s life was fucked up and Dean couldnt stop it and he hates her for that. He hates her and he loves her, because shes his mom and he cant help it. <insert shattering heart right here> kind of puts things into perscpective of the brothers’ relationship over the seasons. Times when theyve gotten so mad they hated each other, they always still loved each other. Dean forgives her, and he understands because hes made deals more than once to save Sam’s life, (not Cas’s btw) because he loves him. Sam has hated him for it sometimes, but forgives him, because he cant help but love him. So, Dean wants to start fresh. Im alright with that. Meanwhile, back at the BMOL base, Sam is kicking ass. Sam Fucking Winchester! Where i feel its been off balance with Dean having low kills this season, I am enjoying badass Sam very much. He’s always been badass, but its just leveled up some this season. But I cant believe the old man on the computer called Sam “boy” like whaaaaat??  So Dean gets slammed out of the mind link, to see Toni with her throat slashed (YAAAAAY!!!!) And Ketch ready to kill him... good fight ensues, Mary wakes up, dead Ketch (YAAAY!!) Dean and Mary talk more about starting over and forgivenes, and I THOUGHT I was safe and wouldnt need to cry anymore, but no. Mary is scared, what if Sam cant forgive her? In walks Sam and with the softest, most painful way he could,  says “Mom? You dont have to be scared of me” (I died... omf Sam) Mom hugs Sam... am I safe yet? hell no, Dean touches Sams shoulder “Im glad your back man” and comes in to wrap Sam in his arms AGAIN and Sam’s face is like he’s needed this his entire life and just.... WOW just fucking WOW This was by far the best episode of the season, and to be honest, maybe of the whole series for me. On a scale of Bloodlines to Swan Song, I am gonna say, shockingly, it MIGHT be tied with Swan Song, They’re 2 entirely different kinds of episodes, so I really cant say I loved one better than the other. But Im giving Who We Are a perfect 10! *clap clap clap clap clap* THIS is how you write an episode! Thank you!!

[oathkeptroxas]

Hi girl! Have you received acephobic hate,or is it "just" shit happening on Tumblr in general? 😒

Hey!

I haven’t received any on tumblr directly. I tend to be cautious with who I follow, and tend to unfollow people who post things that are upsetting and hateful. Up until this point I’ve managed to avoid online drama, because in general I simply reblog a couple of informative or positive ace posts and that’s it.

I’m not out in real life. So no one knows that I identify as ace (or bi, but that’s a newer thing for me that i’m still figuring out), even so people who have known me personally have noticed my lack of interest in pursuring people and my lack of participation in sex-centric conversations.

I was at the pub with a group of friends once and my friend Charlotte was talking about how difficult it has been for her to find a girlfriend and asked if I knew anyone I could set her up with, she’s a really fun, confident and forward person who’s comfortable with herself and she made a quip about wondering if she’d ever lose her virginity, which then spiralled into a sex topic within our group. And my cousin had recently come out as gay and was becoming a lot more comfortable sharing his sexual experiences within the group so the conversation was something that everyone was engaged in and it was really animated and positive, one of the straight girls in the group had previously tried anal so her and my cousin and another gay male friend were jokingly “swapping notes”, just being drunk friends mostly and joking around.

I listened intently but I didn’t want to participate personally because it’s not something that I’m comfortable with. I’m sex-indifferent. So i am not averse to sex and have had sexual encounters in the past. But sometimes it just gets a little too much and makes me uncomfortable and i’m not open to sharing my personal life like that.

So when they noticed my lack of participation Charlotte asked if I was okay and like….before I could respond my cousin just jumped in “Jodie doesn’t need sex like the rest of us.” And then pretty much continued speaking like I wasn’t even there and said it in such a way that it made me feel fucking worthless, like I was defective and less than they were and I wasn’t worth participating in their conversations. It literally ruined my mood for the whole night. And he didn’t even know I identify as ace.

My sister is nasty. She was a bully in school, she’s a proud self-proclaimed “bitch” and she fights dirty. She says things she KNOWS will hurt you, just to get a reaction. The word fat was literally banned from our house when we were kids because she’d call me it so often. Despite the fact I’m one size above national British average and me and my sister now SHARE clothes. She used that against me because she knew it fucked me up. To be honest, most of my self harm and self hatred probably stems from that, nothing triggers me like the word fat does.

And once she was bragging about how much sex she’s had and how her tampon fell out ‘cause she’s so lose? And 1) she’s my little sister I do not wanna know. 2) the vagina is a muscle that contracts back after childbirth, self-lubricates and loosens when aroused, and tampons come in different sizes and women have different set vaginas? Sex has very very little to do with it.

So, anyway, i just suggested that maybe the wrong size tampon had been brought (she came on abruptly in public and ran to a store toilet whilst my mum bought her tampons - and my mum has poor eyesight and can’t read without glasses and its very likely she picked up the first she could find without trying to read the box).

Anyway, after making that suggestion my sister got like? Irrationally pissed? As if I was like? Calling her a liar or whatever? And started screaming about how “JUST BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS YOU! YOU’LL UNDERSTAND ONE DAY IF SOMEONE ACTUALLY WANTS YOU” and basically implied/assumed that my seeming lack of relationship/seeking out sexual encounters was because people didnt want me and i’m fat and undesirable, basically. My sister regularly makes fun of people who are celibate. We watch shows where people have abstained for personal or religious or political reasons and my sister scoffs and belittles and acts like these people are lesser. There’s no way I can tell her I’m ace.

Everytime I go to a house party people want to play Never Have I Ever, which literally makes me so uncomfortable I can’t breathe. And they all try to pressure me into it anyway and I often end up drinking alone in another room so they can play. Luckily, over the last year my friend Jack (who usually hosts the parties) has been dating this great guy James. And James doesn’t like the game either, he’s just a bit more private than the others and doesn’t know Jack’s friends well enough for them to know those things about him, and he thinks the game’s a little tacky. So me and him just go for a smoke and gossip while they play.

But i feel like i’m suffocating under this all the time. Looking for “plausible”/socially acceptable reasons for not wanting/thinking the way my friends do.

I can’t pursue the guy I like who’s interested in me because I overheard him drunkenly telling his friend how he hasn’t had sex in 3 years and I’ve been panicking ever since because I don’t know if that’s something I can give him and I fear I’m not desirable without it - or worse case scenario, he tries to force himself on me to “prove” that I just “haven’t met the right person/had the right experience yet”.

I just feel like I’m choking on this thing all the time because I know if I told anyone they’d never take my word for it, they’d assume something happened to “make me this way”. They’d say I was a “late bloomer”. And my homophobic parents and possibly some of my friends wouldn’t believe I’m ace but would think i’m just gay and in denial. And i know a lot of gay people have previously identified as ace because they were dealing with internalized homophobia and maybe it was easier to accept they felt no attraction than it was to realize they felt the “wrong” kind by society’s standards. But that’s not the fault of ace people. It’s the fault of a toxic society that hates everything that isn’t the cis straight white default that it has the rest of us turning on each other. It’s also common for gay people to initially identify as bi because they’re dealing with internalized homophobia and think bi is easier because they can retain the illusion that they still also feel the “right” kind of attraction. But bisexuals arent to blame for that anymore than ace/aros are.

And i hate that people say they support aces as long as theyre not cishet and it’s like???? I’m bi so i’m not het but what those people are basically saying is “i accept part of your identity”……that’s not supporting me. That’s just gonna fuck up my mental/emtional state even further. And if someone is aro/ace its literally impossible for them to be het? If they experience no romantic or sexual attraction then they feel none of those things for the “opposite” sex, and cannot be het. So calling them that is insulting and invalidating their identity.

And i don’t understand the whole “we accept and welcome actual cis and straight identifying allies who wish to support our cause but aces can choke”? I get that allies are important because closeted lgbt youth can attend events under the guise of “ally” BUT ally and closeted are not synonymous, because if they became so it wouldnt be a cover at all.

[heinouslyyours]

At 11: 51 pm 4/12, an email to a certain blog.

hey

listen i know that emails arent my usual mo but bear with me im trying something new

yeah bear with me i say then dont know what the fuck to say i got so much i gotta tell you how much of this stuff can i tell you that youll even understand god i must be so hard to understand flipping back and forth like one of those flipping billboards that turn right before you actually manage to read whats on sign

cause i know i have this like habit of taking all the good shit you offer me companionship and support and a safety net and all that then turning around and fuckin pretending like i dont need any of it like im a big enough dude to save the president sure i dont go into fits when i see people do daily activities like cook and sew doilies

and then going and in the same breath doing the exact opposite shit going on and on about how much of a fuckin victim of circumstance i am oh yeah that totally innocuous every day thing sure would be fun if i wasnt soooo broken sooooo fucked up did it tell you i came from somewhere fucked up already??? cause i did and wah its never getting better oh wait no dont sympathy me im too cool for that i got this

back and forth like a goddamn seesaw god i must be obnoxious to deal with retroactive sorry on that one

and you know what the real kicker is for all that huffing and puffing about strider credos and stoicism warping my tragic backstory into batman style phobia powered crime fighting kickassery it never did a godamn thing and it wasnt like i was doing anything wrong either i wasnt not good enough at being a coolguy it was just that being a coolguy didnt do jack shit for how much it fucking sucked no you know what it didnt fucking suck it hurt it hurts so godamn badly

i miss a lot of things i miss some things i never actually had id take every day rotting off my own bones chopped up and bleeding goddamn everywhere with unhealing wounds always hurting like theyd just been severed id take all that again for the rest of my sorry life over the pain im feeling right now but thats not how bargining in the real world works and goddamn it theres not a soul to blame i thought for the longest time things wouldnt be like this if i had just been better in the moment but the fact of the matter is sometimes shit things happen to good people for no fucking reason and theres no save file to reload and no shits given for fairness and when somethings gone its gone

so i need to get off my ass for once and do what i should have done a long time ago (strap in cause im just gonna have to embrace my uwu catboy flowerboy strideralt side here for a sec and get real beyond reason here)

laffi thank you for everything you have ever done for me at some point your returns had to be outweighed by your loses but still you never gave up on me you kept giving all you got for me and im never going to be able to tell you how much that meant to me i wouldnt tell you how much you got under my skin back then because that would give you too much power and i didnt trust you with that prided myself on not trusting anyone with that i knew that would give you a level of control i couldnt afford but it simply does not fucking matter anymore which is why im sending this now ive used up even inch of my spare time and i cant look away anymore i have to keep going and deal with that kind of vague ass always with me hallmark movie sentiment i have never fucking wanted to try experiencing but gotta anyways

so lafayette from the bottom of the heart you restarted im sorry this was so damn confusing thank you for everything i love you so much and i think i always will

-budgie

(ps i reread this monstrosity and it sounds like a really questionable note i swear im not gonna do anything drastic i just needed to get it all out there for once)

[sometimes-a-robot]

I think this relationship is over. Like fuck me. Shes been putting in literally no effort whatsoever to keep this relationship going and I have honestly lost almost all my feelings towards her. Like i just feel a slight anger whenever i think of her. Hell i dont even find her attractive anymore. Like what the fuck is going on. She could at least fucking try or just say you want to stop the relationship, casue its clearly not working. And “i am willing to try again in the summer”? Bull fucking shit. You dont want to try jack shit. You’re just saying that so I think the relationship is still kind of there so ill hold out till Christmas. And its making me feel so defeated. Like she just disapears off the face of the earth for like 7 hours and im like? What? Where did you go? I dont care that you have other things you need to do. Hell, I want you to go out and hang with friends and go dancing and enjoy your life. But like a “hey, im going out dancing for a bit, probably wont get back till after you’re asleep so goodnight” would be great. Less than that would be great. I just need fucking something. And since reading week, its been so hard to get her to say literally anything about me. No “you’re cute” or anything like that at all. It took me so long to get her to say that. And I get that thats probably me being a needy bitch, but still. I have a lot of image insecurities and just hearing that like, once or twice a week, would mean so fucking much to me. And I should probably tell her this, but she’s just going to get upset at me and say “oh now i feel bad hanging out with my friends and you’re being mean forcing me to say all of that”. Just shut the fuck up. Every god damn time I mention something that bothers me or that makes me upset her response is just that made me feel really bad and now i feel bad for hanging out with my friends. Just give it a rest. If you don’t want to be in a relationship with me, cause like, who would, just fucking tell me. At this point I dont even want to wait until christmas to break up. But im worried that by doing that ill just make her upset and she’ll fail all her finals and shit. But who fucking cares. Thats her problem and she can fucking deal with it. I dont want to be the sole reason you do anything. Like holy fuck. I dont care that youre not doing well in math or whatever. I have seven fucking courses and they are engineering courses. I know what a lot of fucking work is dont even get me started. And im doing just fine. i get that everyones different but I cant constantly be barraged with “im not going to do well” and then I have to spend a shit ton of time telling you that youre not going to fail. Its getting annoying. But I know this is probably an asshole thing to do and I dont want to be an asshole. But at this point im starting to just fucking not care and that worries me. I try at least to maintain some level of “niceness“ towards everyone at all times. Everyone deserves to be respected, and I dont know what someone has been through that made them act/feel this way. But god damn does she make me just want to throw all of that away, just say we’re done and never speak to her again.

In addition, Im also just looking for fucking something to do to just fucking relieve all of this shit I feel. Like i just want to fucking grow my hair out as long as it will go and dye it weird colors and dress like a dumbass and just fucking dont know. I want to do all of those but I know all my friends will laugh at me and call me a dumbass and I dont want that. And even if i told people that i felt this way and they said that they wouldnt make a comment about it i still know they would fucking judge me. I dont know what the fuck to do. Maybe I shoudl just dye my hair and say fuck it. But then everyone would make fun of me and that would make my life so much worse. I just want to do something. Anything. Anything at all to just fucking let me get this shit out and not be judged by literally fucking everyone in my life. Is that so fucking hard to do!!!!??? Fuck off with all these dumb asses. Fuck my life

[theschubita]

Click. "Freddie -" Roger begins, but is interrupted by a cold chuckle. Roger shudders, but barrels on. "Paul."

"Hello, Rog," Roger shudders, and wants nothing more than tell him off, but he needs to talk to Fred. "How have you been? I mean, it's such a special day and all -" 

"I wanted to talk to Fred," he presses on, not wanting to get into that with Paul. 

"Oh, he can't come to the phone right now,"

"Paul -"

"You see," Paul says, voice lilting  and Roger feels dread fill his stomach. "He's sick." Rogers heart beats so loud in his chest he's sure it can be heard half across the world. He swallows.

"What," he coughs, trying to clear his throat. "What di you mean?" Paul laughs quietly.

"Well, Freddie thinks its a cold." He says. Roger doesnt say anything, throat closing up. "But, well -" Paul begins, and laughs again.

"What did you do?" Roger whispers, accusatory. 

"Oh, you know the rules, I didnt do anything - not directly, anyway."

"Paul," Roger snaps. 

"Mind your tone," Paul reprimands him with a voice suddenly much - more, and Rogers mouth snaps shut. "Well, Freddie is not wrong,  I suppose. On the surface, it is a cold." Roger can tell he's enjoying this. "But, well, that's just a symptom of what is happening. Or, will happen." Roger waits, cold sweat breaking out. "You see, dear Freddie is dying." 

The words take a moment to sink in, and then Roger visibly recoils from the phone.

"No," he says, voice trembling. "You're - you're lying."

"Oh, am I?" Paul wonders, and he sounds so delighted that Roger wants to throw up.

"What did you do?" Roger says thinly, voicd closer to a high pitched whining. 

"Oh, Roger," Paul croons. "I didnt do anything, I told you. You know," he continunes conversationally. "These days you got to be really careful who you fuck." 

Roger can feel himself turn white as a sheet.

AIDS.

Freddie had AIDS. 

Freddie was going to die a horrible, slow death, stripping away everything that made him Freddie.

"You fucker -"

"Now now," Paul tuts. "I'm not responsible for Freddies choices."

"Well you sure as shit didn't help matters along though, huh?" 

"I always liked that potty mouth of yours you know?" Roger growls. "In fact, I like it so much I'm willing to offer you a deal."

The world goes quiet.

"I already sold my soul to you," Roger says, tiredly. "I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure you can only sell that once."

"That's very true," Paul agrees in a saccherine voice. "However  we could - ah - tweak your contract just a little bit." Roger lets the information wash over him, and he takes a breath.

"And Fred wouldnt - he wouldnt -" he cant even say it.

"No," Paul says, and if Roger djdnt know any better, he'd think Paul sounded regretful.

"He would live a life free of that disease. It would never touch him again."

"And in return?"

"Ah," Paul says, and he can hear the slimy smirk from the other side of the line. "A reduced sentence - or rather, immediate execution." 

Roger fights against the sob, he really does. He doesnt want to give Paul any satisfaction. 

"You never meant for me to live beyond the standard 10 years, did you?" For once, Paul is quiet. "Do you really hate me - hate us - so much?" He wonders. Paul tuts.

"This hasnt got anything to do with hate, Roger," he says. "It's business. You dont have to take the deal - you can simply go ahead and live your remaining 10 years with your adorable little children, and cute wife whom you dont really love, letting Freddie to rot -" he speaks casually, as if only mentioning the weather, and Roger hates him with a burning passion."But could you really live with yourself?" Paul wonders. "Youd get maybe 5 years with lovely Freddie, before he wastes away, and then youd leave behind Brian and dear John as well - and poor Brian would loose himself in his head, and sweet Deaky would break on loosing Freddie. Do you really want that? Are you really that selfish?" Paul pauses, and Roger shuts his eyes tightly. "Your life is already worth so little, Rog," Paul coos. "But I suppose, you can just pretend you don't know jack sh-"

"If I do it - if I agree -" Roger says haltingly. "I have - conditions. Two, in fact." Paul hums. "First, give me - a week - 7 days to, to sort out my life. To say goodbye." Paul clucks, clearly displeased.

"3 days," he says. Roger shakes his head, tears welling up.

"Six," he begs. 

"Four," Paul says coldly, seemingly loosing his playful demeanor. 

"Five. Paul, please." Paul is silent for a moment.

"That depends on your second condition," Paul says.

"My children," Roger says quietly. "Whatever you've planned - however I'm going to - go - I dont want them to see." Paul remains quiet, mulling it over.

"Arent you a sweet thing," he says finally, tone mockingly gentle. "Those terms are acceptable. So now -" and Riger diesnt mean to startle, he really doesnt, but in one blink, hes alone, and in the next, Paul is standing close, too close, eyes glowing an unholy red. He swallows. 

"- We seal it with a kiss." He leans in with no warning, and Roger feels sick as cold lips brush his own, unable to contain the full body shudder. Paul lets the kiss linger unneccessarily, and he does his best to stay still, until Paul strokes his cheek in a mockery of affection and finally steps back. 

"I hate you," Roger whispers, looking to the ground, and finally, his unshed tears spill over his cheeks. He doesnt care anymore. Paul throws his head back and laughs. 

"Ill see you soon, Roger," he says, and then he's gone. Roger's legs give out, and he falls to his knees.

The comfort that Freddie will live, that Brian lived, is small in the face of his imminent demise.

[topi]

This thing looks like a modal

So I meant to add to this and post this months ago, originally written the first week of January - presented now without edit since then.

blah blah blah year end review/self thought/insert rick and morty joke here

This year a lot of things came to a realization. 

One of them was if you split me down the middle I am almost a perfect split of both my parents. Between my moms heart and my dads brain. 

I digress.

This year has been fast one, which probably means I’ve been having fun. This time last year I was still working at the place I am now, but in a different position. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was really stressed out, which was putting stress on my relationship with my then fiancee. (spoilers: we got married!)

My best bud was in a relationship with a polar opposite girl, but it seemed like it was going in a good direction.

My dad was finally making moves to get my mom out of our shit house. 

My sister was continuing to grow as a mom, and I saw all of the things I loved about in my mom, in her.

Wedding planning started to get into full swing, we went to wanting a backyard wedding to blowing up our guest count a bit and doing a hall.

I thought I had no reason to not be happy at the time, but in truth I wasnt happy. I was quite sad, and I wasnt sure what it was.

I thought it was me. It wasnt. It was my job.

I loved the people I worked with, but I was having issues dealing with the stresses of the job. The constant “NEED THIS YESTERDAY” , “OMG THIS IS ON FIRE, THATS ON FIRE, YOUR ON FIRE FUCCCCCCCCCCK” was grinding me down, and I didn’t know what to do or how to change things.

Then I had a really, really, bad fucking week at work (side note: another realization this year - I really love swearing).

I had hit a plateau at work and couldnt see where my career was going. I had a bunch of shit go wrong in one week, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m really good at keeping my feelings inside, but my team was even like “yo, adam is always chipper and happy, you ok buddy?”

I had finally found the anvil that broke the camels back, I had waited too long to finally step up and say something. I had taken multiple sick days before this week because i need ‘stress free’ days, which usually ended up me lying in bed crying. 

My old lead was a fantastic individual, and I learned a lot from him. The problems with this job had nothing to do with him, it was just the type of work that we had to do. 

I pulled my lead into an office “we gotta talk.”

I told him how I was feeling for the last few months, how something needed to change and something had to give - that something wasnt me. My goal when I started was to grow into a .net engineer, and that wasnt happening. My lead had tried but it didnt make sense on our team, and other teams werent going to have me in their systems if i wasnt a full time .net guy. I was the jack of all trades and master of nothing, I could never grow into a senior engineer in this position.

My lead told me he had let me down, and he was going to make everything right. Mentally I gave him three weeks or I was going to go to internal transfers and get out somehow.

The following monday he came to me with two positions that fit my career goals - one within our division and one out-  I took the on still within our division.

Literally it was the 2nd best decision I’ve made in my career, first was interning at my now place of employment. 

I ended up as a .net engineer, with a new lead I was familiar with, and have a lot more in common with. I’m having fun and learning about things I care about, and I work with a bunch of engineers that make me smarter with every answer to my questions they give. It’s an amazing experience I thought I would never have, I am living my dream job.

This opened up my relationship with my now wife, and I feel like the stresses that are previously there are gone, we have so much fun together and I love that woman with every ounce of anything that makes me, me.

There’s something really odd about life and growing up. There’s lessons people can just tell you, and you think you understand what it means and how it feels, but you never will understand it until you get there and grow up. How you will miss your childhood, miss being able to be naive.

I think what I miss most is how everything is black and white when you’re a kid. 

I remember my parents were all about that shit - this is good, this is bad.

Slowly as my questions got deeper, the replies did too, (why did aunt carol do this? why are bad people bad? )

I feel like I’m getting older at a quickening pace and it’s not letting up.

This year I got married, I got my dream job, I moved into my first house with my wife two weeks ago. I’m sitting in my basement, on a couch given to me by my best friends family. 

I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for the people I have in my life. People that showed me how to live up to my dreams, ask questions, how to love, and not be afraid of failure. 

But, now what?

I think I want kids, but I’ve never been sold on kids. 

It seems like everyone in my life that has had kids always has had some sort of drive, or need, to have kids. I’ve never had this.

I think it comes from hearing about how my mom had kids when she was 18, and never was able to do the things she wanted in life. But she also said that she wouldnt have it any other way.

I’ll be frank, it seems like having kids is a big fucking pain in the ass and I have a ton of respect for any parent.

Am I afraid that that having kids will somehow impair the growth I want in my life?

It’s a very selfish thought, I think.

I’m no longer scared of the thought of kids, but I’m just not sold. Maybe because for most of my life I thought that I was going to die alone? Maybe the existentialist in me coming out?

I want to live life to my fullest, and I want to change peoples lives - touch them, and inspire them to do their best, let people know they’re not alone in life. Some guy with a bunch of anxiety, self doubt, self hate. All I had was a goal to not be mediocre. I set goals and I got to where I wanted to be.

I had a nightmare last night, that I was still in college/or visiting college (sorry- some weird two places at once dream thing was going on). Dream Adam came to the conclusion that college adam was where I wanted to be, that was my original goal, and now that I had hit it I was lost and had nowhere to go.

Honestly most of the time I think trying to make sense out of dreams is like trying to make sense out of something...that doesnt make sense.. but, I think in this case it was definitely dream adam clued into what whole Adam has been feeling.

What do I do know? where do I go? 

I know I will keep getting better every day, but I think I need to setup some more goals that are meaningful in my life.

[skiasurveys]

sorry for all these relationship surveys, everything else sucks.

A: Who do you like and why? Connor, my boyfriend. I honestly don’t really know, the moment we met I fell instantly, like we have this strong connection. He makes me laugh really hard, which is nice. He tells me what to do ( Not in a controlling way though). We like the same shit, we know how to leave eachother alone for a bit for our “me” time so its awesome. and hes great at sex.

B: Have you ever been in love? If yes, how many times, and how do you know it was love? I am currently in love and this is my first time, before  I swore i was in love but it was just literally the “I love you” not the whole Im in love and I just want you to be happy.

C: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in, and why did it end? currently the one im in is the longest :D

D: Have you ever changed for someone, if yes, how? yeah i have, 2 times. Back in high school i tried to act diferent around him because he didn’t approve how I was. which is bullshit. and then the other time was my senior year in Highschool and I tried to get his approval so i would hide who i truly was, which is stupid. I stopped doing that. If I change for someone now, its for the better.

E: Pretend I’m you ex, what do you want to say to me? You were fucking annoying. You didn’t get a joke, you literally wasted my fucking time when I couldve been with Him. You also chased me hardcore, pretty much felt like I had to date you. You pretty much blamed me for anything that went wrong. You were always about you, and you were annoying. Thank you for ending it.

F: Have you ever been cheated on?  i dont know. My one ex, Jack was long distance and I have this strong feeling that he did cheat on me , or that he was cheating on someone with me and  I didn’t know. He did some fishy things, so yeah.

G: Have you ever cheated? No.

H: Would you date someone who’s know for cheating, if yes why? no, if i found out the person I like is a cheater or known for it, i wouldnt go for them.

I: What’s the most important part of a relationship? The trust, the friendship/bond, and the comfort. You need to trust them, and feel comfortable and also feel like youre best friends.

J: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? Serious.

K: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”? no. Breaks to me are just a waste of time. Its basically letting you both fuck other people and then come back and be like “nah”. I don’t do breaks. Its either were done or not.

L: How many people have you ever hooked up with? i never hooked up. I only fuck who im dating. and ive only been with one guy, which is the one im currently with.

M: What’s one thing you regret saying or not saying, doing or not doing in a previous relationship? I regret dating Dylan. It sounds fake but honestly I wish I wouldve just said No im not that into you. Because really  I wasn’t that into him but everyone told me how sweet he was, so i felt kinda like I had too?? In a way??

N: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? kids?? KIDS?? KIDS?? WHATS WRONG WITH THAT SENTENCE ? Kids shouldnt be having sex. You shouldnt have sex until you fully understand the consequences. That being mentally and physically.

O: Do you believe in the phrase, “Age is just a number?” Why or why not? well connor is 6 years older than me, Im kinda bias. But Im 20, and he’s 26. were both adults and consenting. If they are still a minor and the other partner isn’t, it’s wrong. as long as they are both adults and consenting.

P: What about “Love at first sight”? Why or why not? No one loves someone at first sight. You might feel lust, or a connection. but not love.

Q: Turn on’s? Neck kissing, pushing me down onto a bed, making out. also like sweet sensual stuff. 

R: Turn off’s? Trump supporters, racists, expecting me to be your chef, or do everything for you, being a cunt,  minimalizing my pain. lanky people. into hardcore drugs too.

S: What do you consider a deal breaker?  Cheating. Talking shit about my friends, abusing me.

T: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship? You get this feeling where you sit back and youre like “ I just dont like them anymore” or sometimes you do but you just know you can’t be together.

U: Are you currently in a relationship? If yes, for how long? If no, how long have you been single? I am, and its going to be 9 months in  2 weeks.

V: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? Yeah you can still be friends, of course it depends on how your relationship was and how it ended. There are exes I have that I could still be friends with and some I can’t. My recent ex and I are kinda friends but he pisses me the fuck off.

W: Do you think people should date their friends? you can, i don’t see how that is bad. My boyfriend is my best friend, so it’s like thats cool. we werent friends when we started dating though. It’s hard because it could ruin a friendship

X: How many relationships have you had? about 4 

Y: Do you think love can last forever? yeah, of course.

Z: Do you believe love can conquer all things? somethings, not everything.

1: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of? No. Unless my family was like “They are abusing you.” and there was legit shit, but not cus they didn’t like him. Lol

2: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? “dont date him because he likes you”

3: Do you think long distance relationships can work? Why or why not? so i did one when i was in high school for like 5 months. It can work. depending on where they are. Mine was awful. It was far away. and He was 7 hours ahead of my time, so everytime we would skype it would be at weird times like 8 am or 12 am like wtf and it was jsut dumb. But they can work out!

4: What do you notice first about another person? teeth and hair cuts lol

5: Do gay, lesbians, bisexuals or transgender people bother you? of course not.