#wrote this down to remind myself
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cooking tips by avo:
turn on the stove lmao (or oven)
get a SHARP knife!!! especially a sharp veggie knife!!! this is the most important thing!!!
get a BIG cutting board. u wont regret it. trust me.
use cans. its fine.
use frozen veggies. its fine.
use spice mixes / mixed seasonings. sure. its cooler to make ur own mix. but seasoning ur food is basically the most difficult thing about cooking (imo). its fine to buy mixes. thats why they exist!!! not everybody is good at seasoning food. its fine. thats why they are sold.
use a chair. seriously. even if u dont have chronic pain or any kind of disability or whatever. use a chair. sit down. its fine. you are allowed to.
if everythings fails. drench ur meal in ur fav condiment. its fine.
turn off the stove lmao.
#cooking tip#wrote this down to remind myself#i can boil down the main reasons why i dont wanna cook basically to#having to stand and chop w a shitty blunt knife on a tiny chopping board#and having to season my own food and failing at it and ending up w bland shit#both issues easily solved!!!!!!!#literally dont know why i live like this#theres no fucking reason to!!!!#today i made pizza and it was super chill and easy cuz i applied all these tips#cant believe how nice it is to use a sharp knife lmao#basically no effort#i didnt know that chopping veggies could be so damn easy#what a fucking fool i was
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He said "Fuck this shit, I'm out" I'm crying. Toriyama's Vegeta was so top shelf 🤌
(From Neko Majin Z Chapter 5!)
#dbtag#Idk why Toei didn't lean into Vegeta being a version of Piccolo you could put in funnier situations like Toriyama wrote#He's reserved and professional and proud but JUST immature enough to bite down on a gag that Piccolo would readily swerve#But they take a lot of Goku's chaotic comedy away too in favor of Hero(tm) writing and that is why I keep pulling my hair out aklsjdlas#Toriyama was sO funny and it bums me out so much that the anime derailed how lighthearted and straight up silly the humor is#and replaced it with Misogyny Is Funny and humiliation kinks asjklfhadjk and it's not just my complaints about Vegeta and Bulma!!#“Goku is running away from his very reasonable wife because he is a goofy little guy who doesn't want to do his chores” becomes#“Chichi is Cruel to Goku who is Trying to be a good husband because she doesn't relate to his passions and vilifies him for having them"#which is not their dynamic at all but dudes in the writing room are like “being married is fucking awful amirite fellas hahaha”#but Toriyama was like “Being married is not for everybody but it can be really great if you and your partner are on the same page”#Chichi's reasonable! And Goku isn't romantically wired but Goku can enthusiastically consent to sex and still not enjoy kissing#those things can be and are true for a lot of people! And it makes even more sense if you hc Goku to be aspec (and audhd coded) like I do#Kissing can feel gross and can be a sensory overload for many folks. Doesn't mean they're stupid or innocent.#(although Goku CAN still ride nimbus so idk what Pure entails in this universe askljad)#Like I am the FIRST person to joke and drag Goku about his marriage as an aspec myself but like legit Goten is a Last Night On Earth baby#He knows what sex is. But also between how socially removed Goku is and how Shy and Conservative Chichi it's not out of line#to assume the actual words sex and kiss have never been spoken in that house skljdlajdf I FULLY believe Chichi uses code words#Chichi thinks her son being blonde makes him a delinquent and still uses honorifics with Goku like it is fully reasonable to assume#that the joke of Goku's naivetè centers around the fact that his wife is too embarrassed to talk about Certain Matters in a normal way#While Bulma and Vegeta are slutty hedonistic cityfolk who need jesus (according to chichi probably...and me but I support them)#anyway. point is. Toriyama was funny as hell and Nekomajin is absolutely ridiculous and goofy and has a fully amoral main character#which just reminded me that toei is allergic to letting goku be a gremlin and so vegeta's not allowed to be a gremlin wrangler#even though that's been his job since the day he met raditz alksdjaskljd
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tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"
#bakuspeech#number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u#he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up#(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment#and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here#but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something#but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku#but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this#this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and#that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing#but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it#its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with#and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually#I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay#but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol#not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real#and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself#and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god#that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao#but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them#have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway
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starting a commonplace book and actually committing to it was one of the best things I've done this year. this is your sign to start a commonplace book 🫵
#damien.txt#my taste is literature is good & i re-radicalize myself every time i read thru the stuff i put it#if you dont know what a commonplace book is: it's basically a little journal where you put like. quotes or sections of lit/poetry/etc#also can be used for little jotted down notes or thoughts#i wrote some stuff from a talk abt eclipses i went to & wrote some stuff abt pastoralism#but a lot of what i have is excerpts and they be hitting#and idk it kind of fucks being able to like. see what i was reading at a time. seeing what was Hitting for ke#often it still hits. probably because i've only been doing it for like 4 months lmao but still#idk it's just cool. it's almost like a little reminder of why i like literature that i can keep in my pocket
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transition stress is a real thing transition stress is a real thing transition stress is a real thing
#repeating this to remind myself im not crazy just cuz i checked my email had a conversation wrote .5 paragraphs of a paper studied vocab#and am now like ok ill lay down for the rest of the day in a blanket cocoon that's too many tasks#tragically i have to prep to teach a song in voice tomorrow and choose songs for worship sunday and actually finish the paper but whatever#i may be exhausted but im not crazy!
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well.
despite my better judgement (and the final draft I need to work on for my English class) I started a new pmd:eos save file.
couldn’t not get eevee bc that’s my Brand™️, but I decided to deviate from my personal canon and named her Saiorse instead with Sean the Shinx as her partner (instead of Celine and Tobias the Riolu); they’re team snowstorm bc she will evolve into a glaceon post game :)
I started the game yesterday evening and now I’m about to go into the northern desert.
(I’m getting the feels all over again God help me)
#I literally should be doing like three other things#but I can’t help myself and have no self control#this is reminding me of my fanfic I never actually sat down and wrote#but the last thing I need rn is to add another wip to my list#I’m sorry khonshu I promise I’ll get back to you#fisara’s scrawlings#gaming#pokemon#pokemon mystery dungeon#pmd#pmd eos#pmd explorers#Pokémon mystery dungeon explorers of sky#explorers of sky#idk what the tags are for the fandom tbh
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need to play tatters again and really pay attention to chen so i can figure out how to write him easier...
#speaking#i say. as if ive ever wrote him#wait no i have....#but that was from an outside pov#i wanna do it from his#i honestly hate writing from my sidesteps' pov#i rather have their motives and thoughts hidden from the reader#i think its more interesting to look at since youre inside sidestep's head 24/7#which is why im always writing ffrom ortega's pov#but godd i dont have a handle on chen at ALLLLL#vexing man....#daniel is also vexing... i worry about toeing the line of watering him down to a single trait (being a ray of sunshine)#constantly reminding myself he can be a bitch#to quote sidestep. this kittens got claws
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I go through these short periods of time feeling very okay and good even only bc i distract myself from what pains me until it catches up again and the cycle repeats itself
#i think it's verrrrrrrrry close to catching up again after i've had normal 2 weeks lol#so many ifs and buts and would things be better had i made a different decision lived in a different place or time etc#but i'll never now i'll always only have the here and now and the unchangeable past#and the very incertain scary future i'm trying so so so hard to be hopeful about but seeing things as they are right now. i really dont kno#i can only fake it to some point. i cant fake it till i make it. i'll fall apart countless times and then wont make it anyway#i feel like. i feel like all the circumstances i've been in have all always been against me#like i'm the only unlucky one among the people i know#i try so so so hard to remind myself that people who seem to have it so much better have their own problems too#but then also i remember something i wrote down once as a teen. the phrase you typically hear#''i have been battling (?) with this problem but am lucky enough to have a support system / loving friends etc''#and idk how right i am with thinking this way but no matter what problems you have.#it's the toughest thing to lack deep connections with at least 1 person ideally like 3 i guess bc it's such a fundamental thing#you know having someone you can ALWAYS turn to without feeling bad and you know that they can and do turn to you too#and i do have a few wonderful friends i love so so much but i feel and know that no one needs me like i need them#every friendships feels so fragile to me. no one depends on me turns to me for advice or to vent etc#and when i feel like i need to do any of those things i cant turn to any of them#there's still inevitably a sort of disconnect i feel#and it terrifies me that i'll never find someone i connect with on a deeper level and it's mutual and we both can depend on each other#and there are no boundaries no shame no unspoken words#i dont know how true any of my feelings are but. but yeah#nesi rants
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MY EX FROM 8 YEARS AGO WHO CAUSED ME A LOT OF TRAUMA FINALLY APOLOGIZED!!!!!!!
#like i am SHOOK#i wrote him back a pretty long message to a) say some of the things that have bothered me and lingered on for years but b) to remind him#ive always cared for him#and its TRUE#he did some of the shittiest fucking things to me and like ruined me....BUT#i SAW the good in him#not in the oh i can fix you way#like as a personality trait as human being#he had goodness in him and i always believed in him#thats partly what made the break up so hard#he was good (albeit a bad partner...he was young adult w mismatched priorities) and then he fuckin flipped after the break up#but that doesnt erase the moments of his real true self when he told me I was an angel and i deserved better and kissed my head before we#went separate ways#or when he asked me if i was going to be okay and to text him when i made it home safely#he did bad things but he was good...deep down#anyways#i am so thankful#i never thought id get an apology or see the day#im happy for myself and for him#im glad to have this start my year off
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i looked at my screen n i really just Froze oh my god ffxiv hflkajlskdj
#🌙.rambles#i'm so emotional rn what the fuck#but but#the night sky.. isn't it so pretty :<#reminds me that i haven't had the time to go out for walks or wtvr in a while now#even so i'm sure that the moon's beautiful.#i doubt it's really seen w the phase it's in rn but i'm sure the night sky is beautiful.#i find it a bit funny though bcs i looked at my screen yh realized it's night n yk the first thing that i thought of#'it looks just like that night with hermes in that cutscene' i am hyperfixating so bad#other thoughts followed though n this is actually unfair bcs i'm listening to moonlit melodies rn in ffxv as i'm writing this tag n#i laugh n cringe a bit when i think of that story i wrote years back but i can't deny it's really important to me#like yk thinking about all these just reminds me of who i am n goddamn it's not like me to be afraid to really be myself#it's fine i believe it'll all end out well so long as i stay true to myself yeah?#hdfjalskd i've been masking a bit lately to get some thoughts out of my head.. probably have been. in denial a bit#not exactly denial but oh i've been very much hiding from myself. distracting myself#time flies by far too fast :(#i calmed down oh my god i forgot i was writing this#i'm like. i've been like. rlly confused n lost lately#hmmm
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#tag talk#playing Polybridge 3 and I'm just reminded that I'm just genuinely not that creative or visionary#my whole life is been inundated with arts and science and I've been pushed to create and I'm just not that creative#I watch genius minecraft builds and cool dwarf fortress sagas and amazing bridge designs and I realize I am not like that.#I appreciate the art and creativity of others but I genuinely just cannot do that myself.#I recently sold my electric piano because I've realized that as much as I love listening to music? I just don't have the drive to create it#I love reading books but I don't have the drive to write stories myself.#I love looking at art but I just don't have the spark that makes me need to create it#and this sentiment gets perceived by others as me being hard on myself. like a self deprecating “oo I'm not good enough to make art”#and it's annoying because I'm not being emotional and sad about it. I'm simply taking stock of the fact that I do not have the drive for it#and that's fine. I grew up in a artistic family and I enjoy being able to appreciate art#but a big part of growing up has been learning to let go of the pressure to perform. the pressure to create and be an artistic individual#and just allowing myself to appreciate the beauty that others bring into the world without feeling the need to compare myself to it#everything I wrote as a kid was just blatant knockoffs of other stories I had read. songs I whistle are songs someone else wrote#and that's fine. that's okay. I don't need to create to enjoy life. I don't need to produce in order to be alive.#I am allowed to be content consuming the art that others have made.#and sure. every once in a while I make something. I'll paint or sketch or write a poem or make a new minecraft build or something#but I'm really just working on being okay with doing nothing for a while.#I used to be such a pressured hyperactive kid and I feel like my character arc is just me learning to chill the fuck out#learning to relax and do nothing and be okay with it.#I just don't have that drive. I'm not a visionary. I'm not a leader. not a creative soul. I'm not destined for great things#and that's okay. that's fine. that's normal. and I'm allowed to be normal.#after a whole childhood of being pressured to be better than everyone else. of being driven by others to perform to their expectations#I can finally sit down and breathe and still the churning in my stomach and slow down and just allow myself to chill out#and I'm happier like this.
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#im rereading my recollection of the night i tried to run away from home that i wrote down#i think its now the only evidence i have that it even happened#im certain the cops didnt file anything about it#i have to keep reminding myself how bad they allowed it to get#all over a pair of fucking glasses#ill never be over it and i cant stop myself from thinking of it all#constantly. i wish it wasnt like this
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why tf did i decide to do a semester abroad. i'm lonely as fuck and it's been 3 days.
#.mgp#also i have possibly given myself a concussion today so yay.#(and have had a headache for 2 of the three days anyway)#(and forgot to eat and drink for most of these 3 days)#(i am like a goldfish. if i'm not reminded to eat and drink i will forget and die)#LOOK. i am TRYING to be independent but god fucking damn it i just wanna go home.#my flatmates are alright and the uni seems cool but fucking hell.#i have 2 semesters at the same time and am nauseous for most of the time.#have gone shopping today and bought things for a shitton of money just to end up realising that i don't even have an entire meal but#just parts of multiple and my food might go bad before i get to use it.#and if i make food i don't even have the possibility to put thaf in the fridge because i didn't buy boxes i could pack it in.#and we also have a 2 ppl fridge for 4 fucking people#and the fucking americans just walk everywhere with their dirty af shoes even though we literally wrote down agreed upon houserules that#include taking off shoes in the hall.#conclusion: i just wanna go home#my anxiety will also not let me go out if people don't come with me / ask me / make me go out so yayyyy
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Not to be a lapsed catholic over here but I have SO MANY thoughts and emotions about jacob's base of operations being named after Saint Francis
#just wrote syb giving st frankie a little thank you prayer in the werewolf au#and was reminded of the story of st francis and the wolf of gubbio and needed to calm myself down#whining wombat#anyway. st francis is one of my favorite saints. my mommy has a birdfeeder statue of him
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!
#i think i might like to start posting my poetry again#it'd be nice to have a separate space where i can just talk freely#n share things#(even if the only one listening is myself a month later)#i am trying to be gentle with myself and remind myself no one needs to be listening for me to still have things worth sharing#that my thoughts and feelings hold value regardless of the amount (or lack thereof) of people i can share these things with#i was lamenting a while ago over not feeling very heard. or stifled rather.#n i realized well. hey. I'm listening. n maybe other people are too (quietly) but that's besides the point#it's a funny thing being so forgetful. you just keep going and going and chugging along experiencing life and moving forward that sometimes#(when you remember)#you look back n see a note you left for yourself and somehow it's something you really needed to see#or sometimes#you look at that note. or maybe musing from a time in your life where you thought something to be so True in that moment#and you gently correct yourself. like no#you're alright. and no you aren't as (blank) as you thought.#dunno. just had a moment like that tonight. n i think it's important#i wrote something down i could have used a while ago and i'd like to share it in case some one else could use it now i guess#(but i am a shy thing)#we'll see#sap says
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I've made some stupid mistakes in my time but at least I haven't done this (knocks wood)
#Next time im agonizing over how i wrote 'there are sings perhaps' in the summary for lay down your weary tune rather than 'signs'#And left it up for a day. I'll remind myself of this
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