#wrote this in. amanic state sorry if it is showing

[lepertamar]

the most repeated metaphor for israel's exile in the nevi'im (prophets) in the tanakh is that of an adulterous woman punished by her husband. basic logic: g-d promised us in exodus that we would live well in the land of israel and be protected by It (g-d), but we were not. our enemies said this showed g-d the god of israel was unable to protect us, but we could not abide this, and counter-claimed that g-d was punishing us for our unfaithfulness and that It had sent the nations to destroy us, and It had the power reestablish us when we had repented. the adultery metaphor is obviously tuned to the psychology of its times and audience, but more foundational and less criticized is the assumption g-d can make such promises, that it's preferable that It determines the actions of third parties in the world, that if It can't, It's worse than worthless, a used tissue, because the only people here who should have free will and the power to exercise it are the jews and g-d.

this question continued through the repeated exiles and genocides of the jews in the next 2,500+ years, but began to become increasingly complicated and ambivalent over time, including with the interpretation in kabbalah that g-d was shattered and exiled alongside us.

look closer.

much post-holocaust theology rests on the existential question of g-d's impotence, for the hebrew bible does not present evidence that g-d is omnipotent.(1)(2)

so look closer at this metaphor, back in its times. play with reversing it:

g-d is not your husband (patriarchal definition) but g-d is also not your spouse, husband, or wife (modern egalitarian definition). g-d is your wife (patriarchal definition).

g-d cannot take you in or cast you out g-d cannot save or feed or clothe you g-d cannot give you land or defend you in battle g-d cannot divorce you even though It/She/They rages It will in Its besotted-mortified-crazed grief and abjection after you are unfaithful.

perhaps g-d can make your life hell from jealous sabotage g-d can drive you mad with lust and longing for It's beauty, as you have done to It. g-d can make your people survive forever through being the catalyst for all your children(writings/cultural handing-down/mitochondria). g-d can commit adultery against you and betray you. but if you die by your enemy's hand, g-d has permission to die in your house, for you will need it and It no longer.

(and many jews think this option is the worst one tho lmao.

'i can excuse being malicious and cruel and unjust or nonexistent, but i draw the line at being not-omnipotent!')

let me rewrite some of the prophets:

I G-d, take a millstone and grind meal now, in exile, Remove My veil, strip off (My) skirt; Show My thigh, cross streams, let My labia(3) be publicly shown, My private parts be seen So shall Israel shall have vengeance on Me for My lies of kingship [masculine], For My overthrow by your enemies, And shall encounter no opposition...(4)

For when showers I could not bring, And the late rains did not come, I had the brazenness of a street woman, I refused to be ashamed.(5)

/

Over You, G-d, we bent(6), saying 'For the number of Her sins, dishevel Her hair,' (7) Let Your thighs be uncovered, Your 'heels' violated....(8) Your shame will be exposed to Your face, Showing nations Your nakedness, kingdoms Your labia....(9)

/ or,

My beauty won Me fame among the nations, for it was perfected through the splendor which I set upon you— But haughty with My beauty and fame, I played the harlot: I lavished My favors on your enemies O Israel.... I sullied My beauty and spread My legs to every passerby(10)—I multiplied My harlotries to anger you. For I was jealous of your envy of other nations(11), which you loved more than Me When you bid Me make kings of your children, and cronies of Egypt(12), rather than wrestle Me til dawn And I despised you, when you wished to be a tyrant, As they were once tyrants over you.(13)

....the nations put you to the sword, and took away your finery, and Mine, In exile, because of misery and harsh oppression; When we settled among the nations you found no rest; All your pursuers overtake Me now In the narrow places.(14)

/ or,

Israel, you uncovered your lover's beauty in Egypt; There Her breasts were squeezed, and there Her nipples were handled. Her name was G-d, She became yours, The fierce-wonders and land and laws you desired for-to-live, She placed wide-with-boasting(15) on Her lips and brought you as dowry. But She did not give up the whoring She had begun with the corners of the Earth; For we had lain with Her in Her youth, and we had handled Her virgin nipples and had poured out our lust upon Her.(16) [....] the Babylonians came, and all the Chaldeans, and all the Assyrians with them, all of them handsome young fellows, governors and prefects, officers and warriors, all of them riding on horseback.

They exposed your god and saw how she could be defiled We were roused against you, and came upon you, from all around— /

Further rambling discussion notes and citations:

Marilyn Monroe said, “If they love you that much without knowing you, they can also hate you the same way.” All idealisation is punishing and sadistic.” - jacqueline rose

thoughts on this reversal as something that Reveals -- for the audience i'm writing to it's one that shocks the connotations to something more viscerally s 0 meth1ng/relatable (the way the og was supposed to be for its audience), but more importantly, i'm trying to come up with something more infinitely chewable as a negotiation of fault and interiority-vs-effects, instead of terminating.

but also while my point in rewriting these is about the non-existence of omnipotence, non-existence of omniscience is probably more interesting. because it....reveals.....i guess a parallel to the way ppl talk about Widely Despised Female CharactersTM (both in madonna and whore perfect idealized and evil all-blameful interpretations). as simultaneously incoherently both culpable and agencyless, both agenda-driven and lacking in interiority, threefold responsible: evil for creating the evil of the world, and evil for trying to fix or destroy that evil when she regrets(17) that world, and timelessly still-blamed as evil when she regrets destroying it and admits that she doesn't have the capacity to fix it but promises to never destroy it again(18). (the souring when its clear she's not secretly timelessly omnisciently correct for allowing this evil).

all this entity's choices and preferences are made into a morally-charged one that is a referendum on the moral valence and bestows moral judgment to anyone or anything she likes/doesn’t like or does/doesn’t do. and also those interior feelings, if shown, are open to making her limitlessly blamed for the spurned person’s resulting action. or mysteriously impersonally Morally Right (after those preferences, like liking meat more than grain, are forcibly interpreted as being solely a moral pronouncement that invites and justifies limitless violence and blame)(19). both timelessly nonlinearly unchangingly culpable at each point in a linear sequence of events regardless of what order one shuffles it in, and incapable of having curiosity or ignorances or confusions that make up linear accumulations of knowledge or opinions or back-and-forths that change her mind over time, or that are incomplete without the preexisting elements of the narrative or which have to take place in the context of a dynamic dialogue/tug of war to make sense.

so i think in a similar way to that, but in a way that doesn't...pattern-match....without the pronounflip/husband-wife adultery and shaming flip......people will not think of the full picture of what else entails if one accepts a premise......no allowing for g-d being dumb or irrational or impulsive, or ignorant at earlier periods of time of what consequences will occur later. no allowing It to have the capacity to change Its mind, and therefore no allowing It to make it up to us once the error in thinking or acting has been understood and regretted. no dynamic interiority allowed in It being capricious and poorly-moral or passion-ruled or not having considered what is evil or what isn't, or what is a big deal to humans and what isn't, not omniscient enough to already know this prior to the chance to learn it by observing humans. no considering such a being to be acquiring contradictory ideas over time and It trying to figure out which one should rule in any given moment, struggling with warring impulses and giving into one at one time and another at another time, being stubborn bc It is a person with ideas that contradict too, reaching out in a curiosity or a confusion, putting on an act to try to court and impress and arouse desire in It's mate Israel. eg, people ignoring the implication that a specific method (flood, languages) implies either a limited ability or a specific desire or a specific curiosity, or both (18) (why multiple languages specifically??? why not something way less surmountable if insurmountability was desired? or if timeless omnipotence was available??).

let alone, in some cases the idea of g-d simply being helpless, overcome, raped and despoiled, not omnipotent enough to achieve -- even if It does know what It wishes It could do -- a method that would fix things, stop things.

but apparently a fearsome but vulnerable and morally-heterogenous and linearly evolving/accumulating/learning god with enough raw bursting power do act immorally sometimes, but without omnipotence, is unpalatable. so……idk, the time-collapse of god treatments that mirrors that of misogyny that mirrors that of antisemitism -- no matter what you do or don't, or can or can't, or know or don't know, or think or can't think, it's your fault -- haunts to an un-unseeable extent.

this is all torah/tanakh and jewish thought specific(20), but the bigger issue for me that i have a hard time unseeing after seeing it was like….the classic conception of omnipotence and omniscience is a thought-termination (either as timeless will-always-have-been-morally-right termination, or as infinitely-blamable, uniquely worthy of punishment, betraying anthy-style scapegoat termination, which are just two different sides of the coin).

there is no cognitively nondissonant way to say 'if g-d exists, i am deciding It is shaped in such a way so as to be to blame for everything/should Be Killed/is actively working against our Liberation/must be a concept that is inherently keeping life from snapping back into a happy and suffering-free equilibrium', because if you (like me) are open to the idea of g-d being nonexistent, there is only One excuse for not also being open to the idea of g-d being a non-omnipotent, non-omniscient, dynamic, learning, growing entity, a person who is then subject to whatever limitations a person would have, and also is an-other person whose inner heart, like any other person's you cannot narrow down to the dichotomy of either being the guy you made up in your head, or a deliberate traitor to that guy. It's the same excuse for why a person or group such as the Jews are The Enemy Of All Humanity Who Must Be Killed Or At Least Blamed: laying down one's own interiority as a sentient being, to invent a person who exists to be limitlessly blameable in situations where no one else would be. if you (like me) don't completely believe g-d exists, i suppose we can't hurt It, but i know what it sounds like and who it impacts. i am much more stung about g-d lying to us -- by claiming we could only be destroyed by Them/our own transgressions. ie., lying by claiming other groups of humans totally didn't have the power to exile and genocide us irrespective of our own behavior -- than by the crime of 'not being omnipotent.' lol. but ofc even this too assumes They did actually lie to us at all, and that a more fitting interpretation of the text (let alone reality) isn't just a folie a deux of wishful thinking on one or both of our parts in this lovers affair.(21)

1: Milazzo, G. Tom. “TO AN IMPOTENT GOD: IMAGES OF DIVINE IMPOTENCE IN HEBREW SCRIPTURE.” Shofar 11, no. 2 (1993): 30–49. http://www.jstor.org/stable/42941804.

2: eg, Elie Wiesel, Night:

"I heard [a man] asking: Where is God now? And I heard a voice within me answer him:  ...Here He is—He is hanging here on this gallows."

3: Eslinger, Lyle. “The Infinite in a Finite Organical Perception (Isaiah VI 1-5).” Vetus Testamentum 45, no. 2 (1995): 145–73. http://www.jstor.org/stable/1535129. 4: Isaiah 47:2-3, Ibid

5: Jeremiah 3:3

6: Job 31:10

7: Sotah ritual, see Numbers 5:18

8: Jeremiah 13:22

9: Jeremiah 13:26

10: Ezekiel 16:14-15, 16:25-26

11: 1 Samuel 8:5-20

12: 1 Kings 9:16

13: 2 Samuel 22 throughout, 1 Kings 1-10 throughout

14: Lamentations 1:3

15: Everett Fox translation choice for 1 Samuel 2:1

16: Ezekiel 23 throughout

17: Genesis 6:8, 8:21

18: Genesis 11:6-7

19: Genesis 4:4-6

20: Karasick, Adeena. “Shekhinah: The Speculum That Signs, or ‘The Flaming S/Word That Turn[s] Every Way’ (Genesis 3:24).” Nashim: A Journal of Jewish Women’s Studies & Gender Issues, no. 2 (1999): 114–36. http://www.jstor.org/stable/40326491.

21: Milazzo p. 49:

This is the god which cannot raise the dead. This is not a god which transcends the world in which the drama of life and death is lived. This is a god which, having placed its hands around their heart, stands there with this people [.....] This impotent god walked the road to Babylon and stood among the crematoria at Auschwitz.

[purgemarchlockdown]

God fuck it- it's late and the Es Quest Animatic is 3+ mins that thing is not going to get finished soon with the stuff on my plate and various issues so I'm going to ramble about themes. Es Quest is so horribly indulgent and it really shows and that means it's me making my own personal attack on my interests. Pretend that I'm a fan and not the writer. I guess I'm also a fan- I dunno how a writer is supposed to act when it comes to their work. I believe in Death of the Author anyway, disregard anything I say here or anywhere else for your interpretation I forget my own interpretation sometimes anyway-

I like repeating Es Quest is about love. It's cause currently Es Quest is *stares* a bit depressing-uh- I didn't realize cause I consider it bittersweet and then I started writing it and went "Oh Yeah the eternal state of being an abused 12 year old under an uncaring god is a bit heavy." I really- did not realize till I wrote it I'm so sorry everyone.

But Uh- so Loop 1? Has the Es memory loss and the change in motive and that change is actually tied into this- Es doesn't remember Amane, they just have the angry bitter impression of her. Any love that they Did Have was fucking erased. What's left is just the faintest memory of someone who hated them and wanted Es to kill them. Amane's is disappointed when this happens- A mutual hit this right on the head but she's just- assumed the worst of Es because it's much scarier to think that Es does care (especially when them caring just means they have to repeat this scenario and guess who's the one who has to wake up back in chains every time?) and then when it goes "validate" she was like "Ah yeah there really is nothing for me" so Es just- remembering fucked her up a bit. She ate Them!!! She did it!!! She's going to Mope Now- it was so much Easier when all the heroes didn't care about her. She's so very eternally 12, she hasn't grown past that state. And God intends that she won't!

[slytheriin-priincess]

Summer Apprentice || Severus Snape x Reader

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Summary: Y/N has graduated from Hogwarts and is taking summer potions sessions at Snape’s house.

Characters: Severus Snape and Female Reader (18/19)

Rating: PG

Warnings: Fluff uwu, Slow Burn

Word Count: 2,490

A/N: Hiii I’m so glad people enjoyed my first fanfic :3 Thank you much for all the lovely feedback! Here is a fluffy Snape one-shot that I wrote. Once again this is set in a different AU and I apologise for any mistakes or OOC-ness. I also dedicate this one to @serpens-amans​ who has been so sweet to me! <3 Go check out her fics she is an amazing writer!!

It was the summer holidays after you graduated from your final year at Hogwarts. A summer which would be filled with days of relaxation at your family’s countryside cottage. You would practice charms, brew potions you've never tried, and perhaps even develop some unique spells of your own. Bask in the utter happiness and freedom to be finally done with school. How perfect life would be. Well, that is what you had imagined anyway. Your dream of happy summer days was ripped away from you when Headmaster Dumbledore suggested you take summer classes with professor Snape, the potions master himself. These weekly sessions would help you elevate your potions skills even more and lead you to a successful career path. As beneficial as they were, it still felt like a heavyweight on your shoulders. You were looking forward to a stress-free summer not an alternate version of a school year. These thoughts swirled around in your mind as you walked down the bleak street of Spinner’s End, you thought back to the meeting that took place that included the headmaster, your parents and all of your professors and wondered how it ever came to be like this.

~~~

“I-I don’t understand! If I’m so good at potions, why do I have to take summer classes? I thought I was done with school!” You asked, crossing your arms in disbelief. You sat around a large table between your parents, a meeting had been scheduled days before your graduation to discuss your future. Across from you sat Dumbledore and around him sat all of your other professors from all your years at Hogwarts. This gathering about your future was incredibly frustrating, you were graduating soon! Why did this all have to come up all of a sudden and ruin your plans? With a pout on your lips, you leaned back in your chair and thought about what you would tell your friends when they questioned you about your holiday plans. You could already hear their laughter echoing in your mind as they teased you about having to go to summer school.

Dumbledore smiled kindly at you, the rims of his glasses shining in the light, “I understand, Miss Y/L/N. You are undoubtedly one of the top youngest witches in all of Hogwarts, even I must acknowledge your talents. However, your parents and I have discussed that you would indeed benefit from additional schooling. Professor Snape has graciously agreed to give you advanced private lessons at his home during the summer holidays.” He explained in a thoughtful tone. On either side of you, your parents nodded and hummed in agreement. “Y/N, this is all for your future, your mother and I are already so proud of you, we want you to succeed and become the best you can be.” Your father muses as he pats your head gently. “Professor Snape is very kind to make time for you during his holidays so please be grateful, sweetheart,” your mother chimes in. Your eyes flashed towards your dark-haired professor who said nothing and maintained a solid expression. Surely Snape wasn’t happy about this either? You would think he would have a scowl on his face yet he showed no sign of annoyance or displeasure. Perhaps there was more of an argument before you and your parents had arrived. Unlike most students, you didn’t hate your potions professor and you liked to think he didn’t despise you as much either. You never caused problems in class, always maintained excellent grades and you were respectful towards him. In return, he treated you better than the other students and sometimes even praised your work. You didn’t completely hate his company either so maybe, just maybe, these private lessons wouldn’t be too bad.

With a deep sigh you managed to smile politely, “Alright… Fine, I understand. I’ll attend the summer lessons,” Your face flushes as you look at your potions professor, “And... Thank you for agreeing to teach me during the summer, professor Snape. I’m sure I’ll learn a lot.” You finish shyly, suddenly feeling embarrassed about your stubborn behaviour from earlier. For someone who was graduating in a couple of days, you sure were acting a bit immature. The corners of Snape’s lips curled upwards slightly in a half-smile and he nodded once at you. You tucked a strand of hair behind your ear and looked away, you hoped that he didn’t think you did not want to spend time with him.

~~~

The memory fades as you near Professor Snape’s house and you sigh deeply, breathing in the summer air. It was a strange neighbourhood, Spinner’s End. You never saw any of the residents outside every time you visited, it almost seemed abandoned. Not to mention, the dreary state of things, there was barely any colour on any of the houses. You stared down the street of gray brick and wondered if Snape liked spending his holidays here. You turned into the driveway leading up to your professor’s home, it looked like every other house on the street, old and deteriorated. You knocked twice on his door and announced your arrival out loud, “Professor Snape? It’s me Y/N.” You clasp your hands together behind your back and dig the toe of your shoe into the pavement as you wait patiently for his answer, wondering about what potion he was going to teach you today. It had already been a couple of weeks into your advanced lessons and they were not much different from how he taught at Hogwarts, aside from the difficult potion brewing, it was all very familiar to you.

“Enter,” a low voice called out from inside as the door slowly creaked open. Snape stood a few meters away from his front door, wearing his regular dark robes. “You’re late.” He stated plainly as he watched you step inside and close the door carefully. It was still odd to him, seeing his student in his house during the summer. Even more so, a student that he didn’t completely despise. It also felt strange to him to see you outside of your Slytherin uniform and instead in flowy and soft summer clothing. He often asked himself if it was appropriate for you to be wearing such attire around him, your dresses and skirts were often on the short side to say the least. However, you weren’t a student anymore and he wasn’t about to have an uncomfortable conversation with you about something so minuscule. Today, you wore a white dress with a pink floral pattern and your hair was tied up loosely in a ponytail. Your bright and colourful attire was the only thing that stood out amongst the dull furniture of his living room and though he would never admit it, he found your outfits to be quite endearing on you.

“I’m sorry, professor, I-I had a late morning…” You bowed your head slightly, not being able to look him in the eye. You had that strange feeling in your stomach again, it was a feeling you had been getting a lot recently, especially around your potions professor. You were all aflutter as your insides churned nervously. You tried your best to push these feelings aside, not wanting to deal with whatever it was going on in your heart and mind but you felt as though your fidgeting was quite noticeable. Stealing a glance at Snape, you saw that he had already turned away from you, walking towards the kitchen with his dark cloak fanning out behind him, “Come along. Do not waste any more time,” He says to you not even acknowledging your excuse. He turned his head slightly to make sure you were following behind him. Your feet scramble to catch up with him and your next lesson in advanced potion-making begins.

You scratch your head as professor Snape explains the steps of the Wolfsbane potion that you were to be following under his supervision. The two of you stood side by side behind the kitchen counter which was littered with vials, notes, and ingredients for your lesson. You scribbled down some notes on some loose parchment but you were undoubtedly getting confused already and you were starting to lose confidence that your potion would turn outright. With a hesitant throw of ingredients there and a shaky hand at crushing aconite here, you were feeling as though your cauldron was about to blow up in your face any minute now. You hadn’t anticipated this potion to be so difficult and your palms became clammy with sweat. “Stir the mixture vigorously in a rhythmic pattern; like so,” Snape says oblivious to your confusion. He takes hold of the glass rod and expertly stirs the potion in a specific pattern. You blink, trying your best to hide your lack of certainty. What did he do just now? Your eyes saw the stirring motion yet your brain retained no memory of that information. The raven-haired man beside you eyes you expectantly, waiting for you to perform the action he had just done.

You gulp nervously and hesitantly pick up your glass rod, “l-like this..?” you ask as you stir in a random pattern which you hoped mimicked his. You almost yelp and jump back as your potion gives out a loud sizzle and faint smoke. “Absolutely not,” professor Snape grumbles at you, “pay close attention, Miss Y/L/N. There is little room for error here.” He scowls at you, his patience wearing thin. With a quick tug at his sleeve, he demonstrates the stirring motion once more, a bit slower than his previous attempt. You lean closer towards his cauldron, watching the glass rod move past in different directions, clinking softly against the rim of the metal. You tried your best to memorize the pattern and the rhythm in which to stir but you still felt a little lost on what to do and not to mention the growing feeling of being overwhelmed. Nodding slightly, you picked up your own stirring tool once more and tried your best to repeat the step again. Before you can even finish, Snape stops you by raising his arm in front of you, halting your hand with his own. “Stop- Stop! Before you make a mess of my kitchen,” He bellows at you, “What, pray tell, is so difficult to understand, Miss Y/L/N? Hm?” He sighs in annoyance and steps behind you, his large hand still grasping your own. You could feel the warmth of his palm on the back of your hand and butterflies erupted in your stomach. Your breathing hitched as you felt his solid chest press against your back, a rosy blush painted your cheeks as pink as the flowers on your dress. You struggle to form words to answer his question but not a single syllable slips past your parted lips. You could feel your heartbeat rapidly in your chest as he gently leads your hand with his. The fabric of his sleeve brushed against the bare skin of your arm and you immediately felt a shiver run down your spine. You watch silently as both of your hands trace the pattern within your potion, your eyes lingering longer than necessary on his long digits. The potion immediately stops sizzling and instead begins to bubble normally as the pattern is stirred successfully.

You let out a breath of relief, thankfully nothing exploded. “...Might as well finish it off, add in the last bits of aconite, Miss Y/L/N. The pattern must be performed once more and I do not trust you to do it yourself.” Snape’s stern voice was heard from above you. You realized his hand was still atop of yours, waiting for you to add in the final ingredients. You quickly grabbed the small dish of crushed aconite with your free hand and tossed the remnants into your cauldron. For a few seconds, nothing happened to signal that the potion was close to being completed. That is until your cauldron gave a loud pop. “Ah-! N-No..!!” You cried out in surprise, dropping your glass rod into your bubbling cauldron and quickly turning your body away from your potion set up. Eyes shut tight, you buried your face into professor Snape’s chest, your hands clutched the dark fabric of his robes as you pressed your body into his.

Severus was equally as surprised as you but more so about the fact that you were hugging him so tightly. His eyes looked down at your shaking and whimpering form, you had become completely panic-stricken. His hand hesitantly raises before resting on your upper back, in hopes to help you calm down. With his other hand, he took out his wand from his cloak pocket and skillfully cast a spell to efficiently clean up the mess that resulted from your failed potion. He pursed his lips as he watched the chaos return to its orderly state. Wolfsbane was an extremely difficult potion to brew, he did not expect you to brew it correctly on your first try however it seems he had been too hard on you for this lesson. He clears his throat and pats your back gently, “It is quite alright, Miss Y/L/N. There is no need to shed tears over something so inconsequential.”

Sniffling and teary-eyed, you slowly raise your head away from his body, “I-I’m sorry, professor. I thought I would be able to do it if I just figured it out on my own. I… I should have stopped you and asked for clarification. And then when my cauldron exploded, it frightened me even more..!” You sniffed whilst shaking your head. Severus gave you a sympathetic expression, you looked so cute to him in this moment and he strangely felt the urge to kiss you. He pats your head softly, shifting his eyes away from you before he acted on his temptation, “Perhaps... It would help to take a brief break. A cup of tea shall calm your nerves...” He says, gently removing himself away from you quickly and reaching for his cupboards.

Once he turned away from you and was sure that you could not see his face, only then he allowed himself to smile gingerly to himself. To feel your warmth pressed up against him felt… Quite pleasant. As he prepared the hot beverage for you to drink, he thought about how much he enjoyed the feeling of being stronger than you, bigger than you, being the arms that you run into when you felt scared. He surprised himself by having these thoughts, was it appropriate for him to be thinking these things? And his reactions… He normally would recoil at physical touch but yours felt different. Warm and comforting. Your innocent face flashed before his eyes, your tear-filled eyes and soft lips. Only then had he realized how much he had grown to care for you. You, who was without a doubt his favourite student. He vowed to protect you forever.

[lucius-inspo-blog]

PART I: THE MUGGLE

Name: Aman

Age: ..22? shit how old am I? Yeah, 22. We’re good.

Timezone: PST

Preferred Pronouns: She/her

Activity Level: um… active? low key always around ngl

Have you read the rules and F.A.Q.?: yuppp

Tell us a bit about yourself and roleplaying: umm… hi

What is your favourite spell?: Weird question, I know, but I’m curious! Fat rat yellow spell!

Ships | Anti-Ships: Lucius/Narcissa, Lucius/Chem

Anything else?: sorry, i wrote a lot…

PART II: THE WIZARD

Name: Full name of the character you are applying for.

Age and Birthday: August 11, 1954, which makes him 25

Preferred Pronouns: He/him

Character alignment: Neutral Evil. He might not exactly fit the mold but I’d say the following holds true: A neutral evil villain does whatever she can get away with. She is out for herself, pure and simple. She sheds no tears for those she kills, whether for profit, sport, or convenience. The explanation goes on to explain that he has no love of order or destruction for the sake of destruction. Which, honestly, is true. All of that, his reasons for everything tie back to himself.

Affiliation: Death Eater. Why’d he join? Practical reasons: everyone is, Lord Voldemort is clearly powerful, there’s a movement here he wants to be a part of, he wants to be actively involved, he knew his father’d done plenty of meddling in affairs but this is more than that and even better, he would be making things happen Emotional reasons: he struggles with depression, the bloody part of this role serves as therapy of sorts, it brings him a rush, a power and something bigger.

Occupation: Pls, he has none. Socialite. As a Malfoy, he’s been taught to have his fingers in everything but to always keep his respectability. He’s shrewd, clever and intends to go after power, however he refers being the whispers in someone’s ear rather than to take the limelight (in case it backfires in the future). He doesn’t mind throwing anyone under the bus, but he’ll always do it from behind the scenes. This persona is part of why he’s able to plead Imperius curse when put on trial after the war. He was never openly cruel towards the wrong people. When we see him later in the series, we see a lot through Harry’s very biased perspective where he is openly cruel. At that point, he has made an enemy out of Harry and makes a point to be brutal. Backspace jut a little earlier in the book and you’ll hear him telling his son to never be openly hostile towards Harry because it wouldn’t do well to hate the BWL.

PART III: THE INTERVIEW

1. What was your first sexual experience if you had one? Is it a positive or negative memory?

“I hope you know that, usually, I’ll need a good glass of wine or three before delving into such topics. However, I can make an exception today.” He paused for effect, playful smile hiding behind the rim of his wine glass. “Let’s see, I was bright eyed young thing at Hogwarts and spending time with an older girl– hush, we’re not naming names. We’d found a little alcove and had ourselves a quick, little fumble. Awkward, a little cringe worthy, definitely warrants a good chuckle as I look back at it now. Overall, I’d say it’s a good memory, which I’m thankful for. I’ve heard quite a few tales of some terrible first experiences.” 2. If you had a weakness for one of the seven deadly sins, which one would it be and why?

“Easily gluttony. If one takes into account how much as I’ve eaten today, I might need to be rolled back to the manor.” Lucius laughed and patted his smooth stomach, taking delight in the lingering gaze on his figure. “You’d do the honors, right? Help a poor, gluttonous man out.” 3. What kind of house/apartment do you live in?

“Grandiose would not even begin to describe Malfoy manor. Don’t tell me I have never invited you over– oh no, this has to be rectified immediately. Next time we meet to discuss the policy, we shall do so at the manor. I’ll give you a tour, maybe we might be able to catch my father.” Lucius watched the man stand to attention at the mention of Abraxas. Perfect, he could work with that. 4. Which do you idealise most: happiness or success?

“Happiness. Success isn’t the answer. No, listen, wait a minute, don’t go saying I want every endeavor to fail. Success isn’t the answer to everything, it’s a way of life. I have it now and it’s something that I’ll always be chasing– anyone in their right mind will always be chasing it. Once you stop working towards it, it’s gone… Happiness, however, is a state of being that I’d love to get to know better. ” 5. If you died or went missing, who would miss you?

“My wife to be, I would imagine, would be quite torn apart by my loss.” An image played in his head: Narcissa crumpled over in a chair, inconsolable as she pressed a damp handkerchief to her eyes, the air full of choked sobs and prayers for his safe return. She was strikingly beautiful when she cried but he had no desire to test that theory, especially not in this manner. He would be staying as far from death as he could manage. His own death, that was. “Were you expecting me to say my father? Tsk, you and I both know he’d be delighted to raise another Malfoy heir. He always did enjoy my younger years.” 6. What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself?

“As a man who thrives off company, I’d be at a loss.” Perhaps that’s where marriage comes in, another person to share your sleepless nights… The reply never passed his lips so that the man’s thoughts stayed away from a certain pale, beautiful figure wrapped up in silk sheets. Lucius wet his lips, then continued, driving the other wizard in another direction. “If no one is available for a floo call, well… I’ve always been a fan of learning something new– perhaps a musical instrument. Do you play any yourself?”

PART IV: THE DETAILS

Q1 Takeaways:

Warm and inviting, when he talks to someone, he’s basically inviting them into his space. Like they’re special and an exception and can see something that no one ever gets to see.

He can laugh at himself. Only he can though, if you say something about/to him, he’ll remember it and it’ll bite them in the ass later. But if he laughs at himself, you can go ahead and give a good chuckle with him.

He’ll withhold as deemed classy and he’ll do it in a way that doesn’t feel like he’s holding back. He’s smooth and charming and hardly hesitates

More selfish note about witholding the girl’s name: it’s also about his first time and he doesn’t want any other perspective. He doesn’t want someone being interested, seeking her out and getting her side of it. Again, back to the being able to laugh at himself but you better not laugh at him.

However, if he didn’t like her, if it was a bad memory, he might’ve let part of the name slip by ‘accident’.

Q2 takeaways:

He’s vain, he loves when people appreciate him. Half of these types of comments from him are for when the reply is along the lines of 'rolled back? Look at you, you’re flawless.“

Gluttony: selfishness. Overindulgence, he loves the big stuff and he often gets wrapped up and carried away in it. Give him something good and he’ll chase it with all he’s got. Even the thought or hope of something good is enough to demand his attention. He’s constantly seeking out fulfillment and happiness. He’ll gobble something up and then move on to the next thing, never satisfied. This is a huge aspect to him as a person where he doesn’t know where to stop. He tends to get enthralled by something and then carelessly toss it aside when it’s consumed (when he’s realizes that, no, it’s not going to make him happy). There’s always a new best thing: a new bottle of wine, the family wand, Narcissa.

Rejects

Lust: nah, not for sex, not for power. He has power

Envy: meeeeeeeeh

Greed: psh

Sloth: NOPE, he always gets irritated when people claim that rich just laze about in their manors. He’s seen his parents stress, struggle, and strive for more just like anyone else. He sees his friends and others in his society picking up jobs, organizing charities and balls, influencing the world…

Wrath: this is a contender, if only because he knows how to hold a grudge. He gets angry, upset, he goes to violence, he sees it as just. He revels in vengeance and enjoys a good cleverly hatched plan. However, it’s not blinding. He’ll never lose himself in a rage and will always weigh consequences. He values himself more than he values that anger.

Pride: another contendor, but not that high. This man’s ego is unparalleled by many. He values himself and thinks of himself as a gift to the world. It’s put in perspective, however, when you look at how he uses it. He considers himself high but he surrounds himself in other people who are at his level. He sees others’ pride as well and acknowledges that, yes, they should be proud. They’re accomplished as well. They’re powerful, skilled men and women to admire.

Q3 Takeaways:

He knows what the man wants, he just roundabout worked his way there. This wizard wants to meet Abraxas? That can be arranged. It might be. Maybe. Okay, Lucius had no intention of bringing his father in, but let’s keep that between us.

Even if Abraxas isn’t there, it’s a way to bring the other into his arms. Lucius enjoys these kinds of things, where he can show off the manor, share little 'secrets’, help the other unwind, bring him in to his side.

Q4 Takeaways

Fuck me up I have a lot of thoughts about this. So does Lucius, can you tell? His demeanor gets a bit more earnest, like he’s telling you something you need to know.

He’s familiar with success.

He isn’t familiar with happiness. It goes back to how he has the world at his fingertips. It hit him a lot as a teenager– he dealt with depression! He was prefect. He had good friends. A girlfriend. Sexual experiences. Grades. Pureblood. Teachers loved him. He was perfect. But he felt empty and, damn, he needed something. It’s multiple things: he doesn’t handle bad news as well, constantly looking up the ladder, goals are less gratifying than he’d thought them to be, he felt like he’d always had to hold back. He withdrew for a while there, in Hogwarts, pulled back from all the shit and just tried to sort his stuff out on his own, but that didn’t end up working out at all. Now he’s grounded a bit in his mission with the Death Eaters.

The torture and the killing is almost therapeutic to him, putting life and values into perspective. It keeps him grounded but it still doesn’t give him that happiness. Right now, he thinks Narcissa is going to make him happy.

Q5 Takeaways

He’s a dreamer, can you see? It works with him in general. He knows how to dream big. He knows how to get what he wants!

Narcissa… He has an image built up of her in his head. He has an idea of who she is and what she’ll be to him. He expects her to fill it, honestly. He’s controlling as a fiance and he makes sure he has a say. At the same time, he’s very romantic. He wants her to be in love with him and to miss him. There’s a juxtaposition there that’s going to definitely leave him jarred. Especially as he realizes that his image of Narcissa isn’t really her. Right now though, he idealizes her. She is the solution to all his problems, his other half, his wife to be, the woman who’ll share his bed and his struggles.

He’s spoiled by his dad. Absolutely spoiled and they have had a really good relationship ever since he was young. Something changed a little with his father when he grew up. He idealizes his childhood a little bit and that joy he had there.

Q6 Takeaways:

He’s an extrovert and everyone knows it

He has very very detailed and vivid thoughts about Narcissa being in his bed

The assumption that he can wake her up if he can’t sleep. Not for sex, but just in general. It’s such an interesting assumption and you can tell that he doesn’t understand relationships in any way

He realizes how the mention of Narcissa can bring the other guy’s thoughts to her scantily clad and in bed. So he’s protecting his wife to be’s virtue. Gtfo, guy, only he can daydream about her like that

He likes to spend time productively and doing things. He does, however, have a loose sense of the word productive. Making peacocks out of paper? Useless, sure, but it’s productive. An intricate braid in his hair? Why not?

Wand

Age: 11–now

Sentiments: it’s been a great companion to him, served him well, he enjoys a little flair Alder wood, dragon heartstring

Wood: Alder

Whilst Alder makes for an unyielding wood, its ideal owner is not stubborn or obstinate, but often helpful, considerate and most likeable. Whereas most wand woods seek similarity in the characters of those they will best serve, alder is unusual in that it seems to desire a nature that is, if not precisely opposite to its own, then certainly of a markedly different type. When an alder wand is happily placed, it becomes a magnificent, loyal helpmate. Of all wand types, alder is best suited to non-verbal spell work, whence comes its reputation for being suitable only for the most advanced witches and wizards. Alder is also excellent for protection against outside forces, and, when combined with phoenix feather, is a suitable match for a wizard who will "make their mark on this world”

Core: Dragon Heartstring

As a rule, dragon heartstrings produce wands with the most power, and which are capable of the most flamboyant spells. Dragon wands tend to learn more quickly than other types. While they can change allegiance if won from their original master, they always bond strongly with the current owner. The dragon wand tends to be easiest to turn to the Dark Arts, though it will not incline that way of its own accord. It is also the most prone of the three cores to accidents, being somewhat temperamental.

Age: for the future

Sentiments: longing Elm, dragonheartstring: Kept in a walking stick, family heirloom that’s been passed through the Malfoy family from patriarch to patriarch for generations.

He’s eagerly awaiting this wand, honestly. He’ll be getting it when he marries, as a symbol of becoming head of the Malfoy family.

Lucius has this game he plays with his father where he’ll try to sneak it away from him. They’ve been doing it since he was younger. Sometimes the wand would be laying in the open and he’d sneak it away. Other times, he’d go with a classic “OH WHAT WAS THAT” and then run with it, giggling like a mad man. It led to quite a few little accidents, unfortunately, but nothing that couldn’t be waved away.

Friends

He’s a lot looser with his friends than the general public. He can be more crude, more playful and enjoys that they can bring out the cruel streak in him.

He has no problem sharing disgusting details with his friends, he’s also the group gossip for sure.

Considering his friends, I can easily see them having a bit of a good cop bad cop dynamic sometimes.

He judges Rodolphus’ relationship with Bellatrix and definitely doesn’t want anything like that for himself.

He’s known for his parties tbh, he throws amazing ones

Family

Father: Lucius close with his dad and has always been. When he was younger, his dad would bring him along to teas and casual events, just to charm the ladies. Lucius would sit there, well behaved, flashing a couple smiles and asking a few questions here or there. Winning people over had never been difficult. He enjoyed the bonding. He loved seeing the inner working’s of his father’s circle– how things worked and why. The man did, however, have a habit of silencing young Lucius when he used the wrong words. Abraxas took a direct approach to raising Lucius and showed him how everything worked and why. His father didn’t give away all his secrets, though, which was made apparent when he rebuked any questions Lucius had about if he really did organize the unfortunate death of the first muggleborn minister.

Mother: His mother was a stranger to him growing up. She’d married Abraxas for his name, gave him an heir, and then declared her duties done. She stood by Abraxas at parties but hardly did much more. Lucius didn’t interact much with her growing up and, honestly, he didn’t want to. His father had never had kind words for her, which left a mark in Lucius’ impressionable young mind.

Relationship^ He doesn’t want a relationship like his parents. He wants love and companionship. He has a lot of views of what marriage would mean to him and they’re very naïve, idealistic and one sided.

The Supremacy

He was raised with pureblood supremacy. It was how he viewed life, of course. He knew he was better than others, that much was clear. He was isolated in a similar society. In this way, he definitely grew up seeing an ideal. This is what the rest of the world could be. He couldn’t fathom why they would not want this. His family has always held such beliefs and have been pulling strings in the background for years. Abraxas, in fact, was part of the assassination of the first muggle born minister. Lucius started his Hogwarts years with that belief never wavering. However, it was always just a belief until he joined the death eaters. Then it quickly became something more. He’s proud of his position as death eater. He sees himself as taking a belief and acting upon it, not just once or twice but over and over with each mission he takes. He sees himself and his comrades taking up arms for a something they believe in and rallying together. He finds a lot of strength in that idea. They’re coming together to do something good. It’s something that needs to be done. He recognizes the cruelty of it. How would he not see the fact that there’s death and torture at every step? He doesn’t mind, though. In fact, it’s part of the draw. Lucius struggled with depression for a lot of his teenage years, but this has helped pull him out of it. He’s found something that helps him feel steady. This is what he likes. He likes the torture. He likes the ideals. What is he there for? He’s there for himself. Honestly, he’s there because it works for him. It’s an easy, entertaining way for him to solidify his sense of self. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t believe in any of it. Actually, he’s dived fully into it and has quickly climbed the ranks of the Death Eaters. However, it just means that his loyalties lie with himself.

^– is a a coward? Idk about that. Maybe you could call him one. It’s more that he loves himself more than anything else and he’ll take care of himself. He’s loyal to the death eaters but that’s because it works for him. When it stops working for him, he’ll let it go. When Voldemort dies, he has no desire to go look for him. He’s not loyal to the man. Yes, he believes in pureblood supremacy, but he’ll find his own ways to play with it that doesn’t involve voldemort or the death eaters. And by then, he has a son as well which ends up becoming another way to ground him (a healthier way than torture and killing). He doesn’t go searching for Voldemort. He doesn’t want to end up in Azkaban. So he says forget that. He doesn’t think Voldemort is the answer to everything. He sees him and respects him and even fears him, but he believes in himself more than this dark wizard.

I’m using this in reference, as well, to when the DE masks come out at the Quidditch World Cup. At that point, he’s been bored, slightly unbalanced yet again and the torture was a pull he couldn’t resist.

OKAY

Now that you’ve read all this bullshit, go ahead and check out: https://lucius-inspo.tumblr.com/ it’s easier to read, i swear

PART V: THE STORY

Lucius Malfoy graced the wizarding world with his arrival between claps of thunder– applause. The downpour continued for a week after his birth but did nothing to deter the flocks of men and women who made their way to Malfoy manor. The manor sat under darkened skies, teeming with life as the pitter patter of rain against the tiles became another layer of music. After years and years of trying, a new heir for the Malfoy family was born. Abraxas paraded the newborn around, the bundle of blankets cradled in his arms for all to see while his wife sat with her friends, exhausted and pretending her insides weren’t torn apart.

These first few days of Lucius’ life reflected the following years perfectly. A doting father, a distant mother, thunderous applause and the Malfoy name.

The name Malfoy gave Lucius everything– wealth, prestige, luxury, heritage, purity, and a sense of pride– and his father never once let him believe otherwise. As he grew, Lucius learned how to wield this identity as both a weapon and a shield. With words as sweet as honey and a bright smile to go with it, he charmed everyone through his childhood, from his father’s coworkers to Hogwarts professors to the girls who giggled in the halls when he passed by. His actions held a warmth that, though exagerrated, could hardly be called fake.

Pull this string and you get a nod of acknowledgement, pull the other and you get an invitation into their home. Hogwarts was a breeze to the clever young Slytherin, who churned out excellent spellwork, acceptance into the Slug Club, and a prefect’s badge. His friends never left his side and the girls were another adventure entirely. Life should be perfect for Lucius Malfoy, the young boy who had everything.

Yet, the ever elusive concept of happiness stayed within arm’s reach for him. Both in and after Hogwarts, each goal he placed for himself brought a satisfied curl to his stomach before leaving him empty and in want of more. The man ate, drank and smiled his way through a barrage of parties but found himself craving more. Parties, alcohol, drugs, women. When something failed, he switched his attention to something else.

The fullfillment was found in the Death Eaters. When he joined Lord Voldemort’s ranks, it was as much for himself as it was for the cause that he believed in so dearly. The higher purpose and the torture that came with it was just enough to ground the unbalanced young man. The climb through Lord Voldemort’s ranks was accompanied by a renewed vigor in Lucius’ life.

He craved more: a wife, the manor, a new title, impact on policy, his family wand, his mother’s approval, Lord Voldemort’s favor, the list goes on and on. Narcissa was the first on the list and just as easy as everything else was to him. With a word in her mother’s direction, the young woman was already his, down to the new platinum blonde hair. The dedication delighted him like nothing else before. It could only get better from there.

At 25, Lucius had grown into himself as a man. He had gained his own reputation in the Ministry that could rival his father’s– one with no need for a job title. Lucius kept his hands clean, fingers gently wrapped around his wineglass as he smiled his way through yet another Ministry function with his beautiful fiancée by his side. With Narcissa as his own, the Ministry in his pocket, and the muggleborns quickly dwindling away, he saw good things for his future. And damn, he was craving something good.