#yahoo live chat

[thatsonemorbidcorvid]

ON AN AUGUST night in 2003, a young woman who went by the name Paulina sank into the sofa of her modest, rented apartment, opened up her laptop, and began talking about sex with a man she’d recently met in a Yahoo chat group. His name was Stephen Bolen. His first communications had been terse, but he soon warmed to Paulina. It didn’t take long for both of them to begin to open up.

Paulina had told Bolen she lived in the Atlanta area, that she had a three-year-old daughter, that her daughter’s father was no longer in the picture. Soon, she was sharing more intimate details: what it was like growing up a skinny white girl in a rough neighborhood outside of D.C.; how her dad, a Marine, had died by suicide two weeks before she was born; how her mom had been emotionally and physically abusive, and had never really shown her love. How she’d had a sexual relationship with her stepfather.

Paulina would put her daughter to bed and then she and Bolen would chat throughout the night, over Yahoo and sometimes on the phone. The back-and-forth could feel like dating, but with an added element of danger and risk: Both Paulina and Bolen knew they were tiptoeing up to a line to see if they trusted each other enough to cross it. It could take a while to figure that out.

Eventually, Bolen asked Paulina to send pictures of her daughter, and she agreed to do so, though the ones she’d shared were chaste — the little girl clothed and her face turned away from the camera or obscured behind an untamable halo of blond curls. After seeing the pictures, Bolen asked to meet. While a lot of the men Paulina had encountered in chatrooms like “Sex With Younger” just wanted to trade images and videos of children, to expand their illicit collections, Bolen was a “traveler,” someone looking to act upon his obsessions.

On Sept. 17, just as they’d arranged, Paulina sat on a bench outside Perimeter Mall with a stroller parked in front of her, scanning the parking lot nervously. Part of her hoped Bolen wouldn’t show. When he did, she could see he was handsome, a preppy guy in a pink polo shirt and khakis. “Paulina?” he asked eagerly. She nodded. As he smiled and pulled back the blanket draped across the stroller, he found himself surrounded, handcuffs slipped around his wrists.

“Paulina” watched his face fall, his confusion giving way to distress as FBI agents took him into custody. It was her first undercover arrest. It would be the first of many.

[long read]

IF ONE WANTED to hide in plain sight, one could do no better than the tidy, suburban neighborhood on the outskirts of St. Louis, where FBI Special Agent Nikki Badolato now resides. The well-tended, two-story homes are so pleasantly indistinct that I could hardly tell you what hers looks like, even if it were safe for me to do so, which it is not. Suffice to say that Midwestern comfort and conformity unspool around every gently winding curve. Here Badolato has raised her two children, a daughter who is now in college and a son who is a junior at a local high school. When planning a neighborhood scavenger hunt or tending the community garden, Badolato does not often mention her many years as head of the Child Exploitation Task Force, a joint effort between the feds and local law enforcement that targets some of the country’s most heinous crimes. Open a cabinet in her kitchen, however, and a government-issued Glock 42 can be found stowed away between the vitamins and mixing bowls.

On a sunny morning this past October, Badolato sat at her dining room table, scrapbooks and albums spread out before her on the dark wood. There was the acceptance letter she’d received from the bureau the spring of her senior year of high school, after a representative had shown up to administer a test in the typewriting room. “I chose to wear a red dress and red heels,” she says of her first day as an FBI mail clerk, two weeks after her 18th birthday. “I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I guess maybe I was trying to go in bold?” She pauses at a picture of herself on the gun range at Quantico almost 10 years later, her shoulders squared and her caramel hair pulled back into a ponytail as she fires off rounds. By then, she’d married a man she met just after high school, had a little girl, completed college at night, and been accepted into agent training in the heady days after 9/11. She’d seen her first dead body only a few weeks into the job, after the pursuit of a bank robber ended with a shootout in a Walmart. When Badolato got to the scene, the body was still warm, and the perp’s head was resting on a bag of cookies. “It was surreal,” she says. “How many times have you been in a Walmart and walked down Aisle 4, not really expecting there to be a dead person with his head lying on a bag of Chips Ahoy?”

Badolato wasn’t deterred. She felt like the bureau saved her, plucked her out of a shitty home life, and gave her prospects and purpose. As a new agent, she was intent on proving herself worthy. “My training agent told me, ‘You know, Nikki, it’s a marathon, not a sprint,’ ” she says. “I was like, ‘That’s ridiculous. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.’ ” She turned a few pages to show a picture of the 391 kilos of cocaine and 140 pounds of meth she’d recovered on a single raid during a stint with a cartel squad, then pointed out another in which she poses with a five-year-old child she’d rescued, the little girl’s hair cut short because the kidnapper had wanted her to look like a boy. But the keepsake she really wants to find is the card that Bolen’s wife had pressed into her hand at his sentencing, the one with the picture of their children — a blond girl of about three years and a tiny baby — and the words “These are the faces of the children you protect each day.” Bolen’s wife had been the only one she’d ever encountered who had lobbied for her husband to receive the maximum sentence. Some wives accused the FBI of planting evidence inside computers. Most seemed intent on clinging to their delusions. (Attempts to reach Bolen for comment were unsuccessful.)

“Right now some little girl is being dropped off in the parking lot of a motel. There are four girls holed up in a hotel next to a McDonald’s. It is happening all the time.”

Which, Badolato has come to understand, is the way it goes with child trafficking and sexual abuse. She had invited me into her home — had agreed to speak on the record about her decades-long career working undercover — because when it comes to the crimes she’s spent her career fighting, she has had enough of the delusions people are under. She’s had enough of the way movies like Sound of Freedom both glamorize and trivialize the work she and her colleagues do, enough of the idea that swashbuckling white men burst through doors and rescue trafficked children with a Bible in one hand and a firearm in the other, enough of conspiracy theories about Hollywood and Washington that detract from the real root causes of why children are trafficked and abused. “Human trafficking is not the movie Pretty Woman — the girl doesn’t get the guy — and it’s not the movie Taken, where people are kidnapped in a foreign country and sold on the black market, or shipped in a container across the world,” one of the detectives who worked on Badolato’s task force tells me. “I’m not saying that doesn’t ever happen, but it’s not what we’re seeing.”

What they are seeing is a lot more insidious and a lot more homegrown. A report released in 2018 by the State Department ranked the U.S. as one of the worst countries in the world for human trafficking. While the Department of Justice has estimated that between 14,500 and 17,500 foreign nationals are trafficked into this country every year, this number pales in comparison to the number of American minors who are trafficked within it: A 2009 Department of Health and Human Services review of human trafficking into and within the United States found that roughly 199,000 American minors are sexually exploited each year, and that between 244,000 and 325,000 American youths are considered to be at risk of being trafficked specifically in the sex industry. Heartbreakingly, many of these children are victimized not by strangers who’ve abducted them from mall parking lots but rather by people they know and trust: Studies have found that as much as 44 percent of victims are trafficked by family members, most often parents (and not infrequently parents who were trafficked themselves). Between 2011 and 2020, there was an 84 percent increase in the number of people prosecuted for a federal human-trafficking offense. Of the defendants charged in 2020, 92 percent were male, 63 percent were white, 66 percent had no prior convictions, and 95 percent were U.S. citizens.

Badolato started her career as an FBI agent in some of the earliest days that children could be bought, sold, and traded online. As the internet-porn industry mushroomed, its most lucrative branch turned out to be that of child sexual-abuse materials (the term “child pornography” is no longer used by those in the field, as it implies consent). And as demand for these images increased, so did the abuse that led to their creation.

In 2003, just a few months after Badolato graduated from Quantico, a Crimes Against Children squad was formed in the Atlanta office where she’d been stationed. By then, the FBI was starting to get a handle on the extent of the problem — if not exactly what to do about it. At a weeklong training in Baltimore, Badolato was given a tour of the darkest underbelly of fetish chat groups and then instructed to figure out how to infiltrate. “Everyone was a little nervous,” she explains of the directive. “It was a process, a direction that was new.” Agents were told that they would need to come up with a “persona” and a “story,” and that they would likely have to provide images of children to “prove” they had a minor on offer. They were also told that they could use images of their own children, if they were comfortable doing so (the FBI no longer endorses this policy).

Badolato’s unit with a kidnapping victim after her recovery in 2011. A Health and Human Services review found that roughly 199,000 American minors are sexually exploited each year, and that as many as 325,000 American youths are considered to be at risk of being trafficked in the sex industry. 

Badolato developed “Paulina” based on her understanding that any persona would need to share most of her own backstory and traits. “That’s the only way you can really do undercover work,” Badolato says. “People can tell the sincerity in what you’re saying, so there has to be a level of genuineness, but then you just add this criminal element to it.” Most of the things Badolato had told Bolen were true: where she was from, her family background, the monstrousness of her mother, a woman who she says would pass out cigarettes and beers to Badolato’s 13-year-old friends in a state of manic permissiveness one minute and fly into a violent rage about a piece of lint on the floor the next. (Badolato’s mother declined to comment for this article, but a childhood friend corroborated Badolato’s account.) It was true that growing up in an unstable home with a string of stepdads, she had never really felt loved, true that she had divorced her first husband, true that she was raising their three-year-old daughter on her own. The only thing that wasn’t true was her tale of being molested, her initiation into the “lifestyle” — to use the chatroom parlance — that Paulina said she now wanted for her daughter. As Badolato had familiarized herself with the language and behaviors of the chatrooms, she’d honed that added criminal element, imagining what psychological conditions might believably lead a parent to traffic their own child and how those conditions could be grafted onto her real life story. She already had a history of abuse; it was not hard to extrapolate to a fictional stepfather who had seemed to provide a gentle counterpoint, showing her love and making her feel special when no one else had, even if others couldn’t understand. From there, it was easy to convince the chatroom participants that she shared their belief — or justification — that most people had it all wrong and that “child love” was natural, and could even be beneficial for the child.

Badolato estimates that she has arrested more than a thousand people; not one of those arrests has failed to end in a conviction. She didn’t know until she was in the thick of it that most agents refuse this sort of work, that most can’t even pretend to forge a relationship with someone looking to victimize a child. But she could. “Paulina,” she points out, is not a name she chose at random; it’s similar to her own mother’s name. Badolato says she had grown up learning to compartmentalize for the sake of her own emotional survival. She’d perfected the art of engaging with someone whose actions she couldn’t stand. Doing this work had felt like a way of taking her trauma and putting it to good use, of leveraging her past as a safeguard against her daughter’s and other children’s futures.

Of course there were moments that were hard to take — when suspects mentioned which brands of lubrication were best or whether or not a parent might hold a child down. There were times when she knew that even talking about these things was a turn-on for these men, times when the conversations made her nauseous, times when she’d lie awake all night or play back a recording and think, “Holy shit, I listened to this? I said these words?” But she kept faith in the mission. She reminded herself that the pictures she sent of her daughter — the beautiful, little girl sleeping in the next room — did not represent a real child on offer. “I was thinking, ‘If I send this obscure picture of my daughter and he acts on it, then he’s never going to harm my daughter or anybody else’s,’ ” Badolato says now. “I was presenting a fake girl to save a real one.”

KYLE PARKS SEEMED to think he could get away with anything. He seemed to think, for instance, that he could get away with running a brothel, a 1-900 sex line, and a housecleaning company out of the same Columbus, Ohio, office park and under the same oxy-moronic name, XXXREC and Hygiene Services. He seemed to think he could invite one young woman and five teenagers (four of whom he had only just met) on a road trip to Florida, but instead deposit them in two rooms of a Red Roof Inn in St. Charles, Missouri. When they piled out of the minivan — high on the drugs he’d given them — saw snow falling and asked to be taken home, he thought he could make a little money off them first. All it took was a few ads in Backpage — the Craigslist of sex advertisements — and men began showing up.

Even after things started going south for him, Parks couldn’t fathom that he wouldn’t prevail. When someone alerted law enforcement as to what was going on, Parks (who, according to legal documents, had been out getting food when the police showed up) burst into the precinct the next morning looking to bail his “friend” out. When questioned about the 88 condoms found in the back of his van, he said they had been prescribed to him by a doctor. After being taken into custody, he protested that he was being set up. Most people would have cut their losses and pleaded guilty, but not Parks. He thought he could take his case to court and win.

And it wasn’t impossible to imagine that he might. Badolato knew that even the tightest cases could go sideways when put before 12 people who would inevitably enter the courtroom with a cinematic sense of what sex trafficking was supposed to be. In fact, it wasn’t just the jury that Badolato knew she would need to convince; it was also often the victims themselves, young people who had internalized the exact same misconceptions about trafficking that the jury had — along with any number of other judgments society had thrown their way — and who were loath to submit themselves to a courtroom full of more judgment.

Of all of Parks’ underage victims, the hardest to pin down had been a 17-year-old we’ll call Sierra. Once she returned to Columbus, Sierra seemed to basically disappear. Calls to her mother’s number went unanswered. When one of the other victims managed to track her down in December 2016, a month before the case was to go to trial, Sierra agreed to meet Badolato on a blighted Columbus block with a string of dilapidated homes, climbing into the bureau’s Chevy Malibu with matted hair, dirty clothes, and a wary expression.

By this time, Badolato had remarried, had a second child, relocated to St. Louis, and taken over as head of the Child Exploitation Joint Task Force, which had become one of the most productive FBI teams in the country in terms of arrests and convictions. Meanwhile, as the internet streamlined the process of buying or selling any good or service, trafficking had become one of the fastest-growing criminal enterprises, estimated by the Department of Homeland Security to bring in $150 billion globally and considered by many criminals to be a superior business model: If caught, the sentences were often lighter than those for peddling drugs; and unlike crack or heroin, the same product could be “used” again and again and again.

Badolato taught her team of 20 how to do the online undercover work she’d trailblazed in Atlanta, tracking the movements of child-abuse material through the online underworld and then prosecuting those who distributed and produced it. Her new squad also initiated her in the type of undercover work it had been doing before her arrival: covert sting operations in which a detective would pose as a john, set up a “date,” and then meet said date in a hotel room fitted out with hidden recording devices while, in the next room over, a taskforce team listened in, waiting for the code word that would let them know that enough evidence had been gathered for them to swoop in and shut the op down. This had proved a very effective technique for getting convictions, but Badolato’s arrival coincided with both a growing sentiment that consensual sex work had been over-criminalized and an increasing awareness that what looked like consensual sex work might actually be trafficking, no matter what the “date” professed in that hotel room.

Badolato has a tendency to say aloud the things she notices — about you, about others, about situations — observations that are not at all unkind but are perceptive enough that most people would keep them to themselves. She points out when someone deflects, and she has a sharp eye for defense mechanisms. She once casually mentions my tendency to mirror other people’s vocal and speech patterns. She is not shy about bringing up the emotional and physical abuse she says she experienced as a child, and she is quick to comment when someone is making excuses for someone else’s behavior. It was soon clear to her colleagues that Badolato brought a trauma-informed mentality to the work, a tendency to look beyond what someone was doing and instead try to parse why they were doing it. And she was relentless: While some squads did one or two trafficking sting ops a year, her team was doing four or five a month. In addition to the hotel rooms reserved for the john and the team, they would have a social worker set up in a third room, ready to offer services to the victims. They would have lookouts stationed to see who might be dropping the date off. If that date was found to be underage, the case was automatically classified as trafficking. But even if they weren’t, Badolato’s team was primed to get to the bottom of what was going on, to figure out whether they were being manipulated or coerced, and by whom.

“If I could put my hands on a pimp, that’s what I wanted,” says Jeff Roediger, a St. Louis county detective who was the “john” for many of Badolato’s sting ops and who makes clear that the team was not interested in policing voluntary sex work. “When I had those types of cases, and I knew they were being sincere with me, I wouldn’t book them,” he says. “It was all about talking to the girls. It’s not like in the movies where they come running to you. You know, ‘Thanks, you rescued me!’ It’s not like that. A lot of them try to bullshit you at first — ‘That’s my boyfriend, blah blah blah’— but once I talked to them for a while, they would become more forthcoming.”

Badolato’s unit was one of the first in the country to take on this “progressive and proactive” approach, as she puts it. Soon, St. Louis looked like a sex-trafficking capital — not because it was actually trafficking more victims than other cities but because the task force was so aggressively pursuing those cases, and classifying them as what they were. “I mean, I was working in vice for years,” says Roediger. “Back in the day, it was always ‘prostitution,’ ‘prostitution,’ ‘prostitution’ — until we started to figure it out a little bit, until we started digging a little deeper.”

Once they did, the task force found that roughly a third of the sex-trafficking victims they recovered were under the age of 17 — and they began to see the reach of the problem. Kids were being trafficked out of every hotel in the area, from the seediest roach motel to the fanciest Ritz-Carlton. They were being trafficked every time of day and by every socioeconomic group (“Before you go do brain surgery, you got to bust a nut real quick,” one underage victim told Badolato of her high-end clientele). Some of the victims were girls. Some were boys. Some were LGBTQ kids who’d been kicked out of their homes. Some were straight cis kids from the suburbs. “I tell people that I could probably name two or three [kids] in the school district they live in that have been trafficked,” Roediger says. “And they just can’t comprehend it.”

“If I can be perfectly honest, I truly don’t believe that the FBI realizes what they put their agents through doing that kind of work.”

There were kids who were about to age out of foster care (a particularly at-risk group, according to those who work in the field), kids who’d run away, kids who were being sold to pay their family’s rent, or to buy their family member’s drugs. There were kids who’d sit in the hotel room, backpack at their feet, dutifully working on their math homework while agents and social workers tried to figure out what to do with them. Was their home life safe enough that they could be returned to it? Would a residential program take them? Of all the imperfect options, which would make them least likely to be trafficked again?

The one common denominator was this: They all had a vulnerability that could be preyed upon. They all lacked a safety net — societal, familial, emotional, or some combination thereof — that might have broken their fall. Mostly, their stories weren’t dramatic; they were typical American tales of neglect, of abuse doled out casually, of a steady stream of letdowns by people and institutions who should have propped them up. Badolato found that she had a knack for getting them to talk about this, for getting them to open up to her. She didn’t look like an FBI agent — at least not what they’d imagined. She spoke softly, but with authority and a slight vocal fry. And she thinks that, at some level, they could probably sense that she’d once been a vulnerable kid too, that with only a few slightly different twists of fate, she could have become a trafficking victim herself — and that she knew it. “My trauma looks different than theirs, but it’s trauma nonetheless,” she says.

“And I think victims can feel that.”

AS THE TASK force learned more about the psychology of victims, they also learned more about the ways in which their vulnerability was being manipulated, and how those ways were evolving. It was known in law-enforcement circles that once a skilled trafficker set his or her sights on a vulnerable young person, they could be groomed in a matter of days: one day for an introduction, a day or two to make the victim feel special and cared for, and then the day when a “friend” comes over and he needs to be “cared for” as well. Sometimes violence was involved at that point; sometimes drug use was involved throughout. But emotional manipulation was the key element, which is why it was so easy for grooming to move online, for groomers to take advantage of the false senses of connection fostered on social media.

Of the victims who are not being trafficked by family members, the majority are being groomed in this way. “I would say that probably 75 percent of the initial grooming is happening online now,” says Cindy Malott, the director of U.S. Safe Programs at Crisis Aid International. “Recruiters used to have to work really, really hard to get access to kids, but now they’re practically sitting in a child’s bedroom. And kids put everything out there — what’s going on in their life, who they’re angry about, parents are going through a divorce, their insecurities about their body, about themselves, what they do, how they spend their time — so it’s like a gift to these predators.”

The ways to manipulate are legion: Get a kid to send a compromising photo, and she’ll do almost anything to keep you from sending it out to all her Facebook friends; find out a gay kid is still closeted, and the threat of outing him gives you incredible power. And predators aren’t just on Instagram and Snapchat; they lurk in the chat functions of Roblox, Minecraft, Grand Theft Auto. “They’re everywhere,” says Malott. “People think, ‘Oh, I just got to keep my kids away from those porn sites, those horrible places.’ Well, no, predators are gonna go where the kids are.” And once there, they’re going to zero in on the kids who are most vulnerable.

That’s what got to Badolato. In her online undercover work, she’d plumbed the psychology of pedophiles, but now she wasn’t just dealing with suspects; she was spending time with victims and seeing the same vulnerabilities in them that the traffickers had seen: the instability or poverty, the addiction or mental health issues or abuse that had been normalized in their lives long before the traffickers entered them. Sometimes Badolato couldn’t help but feel that all the conspiracies and misconceptions weren’t just a distraction from the truth of trafficking but rather some sick attempt to let society off the hook for trying to solve the much more intractable problems at trafficking’s root.

“People would rather stick their head in the sand than address the real problem, because then you have to face and talk about the societal issues,” she says. “With a movie like Sound of Freedom, it’s like, ‘Oh, this is in a jungle in South America. This isn’t actually in [my neighborhood].’ You know? It’s easier for people to ignore the problem than deal with the issues on a societal level.”

BY THE TIME Badolato was sitting in that Chevy with Sierra, on that blighted Ohio block, she knew that the rate of revictimization for children who are trafficked was as high as 95 percent, according to FBI reports. She knew that 90 percent of sex-trafficking victims have a history of child sexual abuse, that more than 75 percent had lived in foster or adoptive care. She knew that she could arrest one perpetrator, and another would pop up in his place, that she could send one pimp to prison and the same victims would show up to stings some short time later, run by a different crew. She knew that testifying was a way for Sierra to psychologically push back against what had happened to her, and she was right: After the young woman took the stand on Jan. 10, 2017, Parks was found guilty and sentenced to 25 years; while testifying, Sierra had seemed to transform, to channel and embody a sort of empowerment. But Badolato also knew that once her testimony was over, Sierra would go back to that blighted block. She wondered how long that empowerment would last.

She also wondered about her own trajectory, her own ability to continue doing this work. The youngest trafficking victim she’d ever recovered from a sting op — an 11-year-old who’d been recruited through Facebook — had been returned to her family in a house that had no heat (Badolato had used an FBI slush fund to get it turned back on). One did not become immune to the human misery of such things. They compounded, became harder and harder to compartmentalize. “It’s just a combination of all of those years — and it’s all awful,” she says. “But there are particular moments that, for one reason or another, you can’t get out of your head. I just don’t think it’s in human nature to be exposed to that for so long and it not start changing who you are.”

One night, at a restaurant near where Badolato lives, I ask her whether she thinks children are being sex-trafficked right then, in that very moment, in just the mile or two radius around us. She’s quiet for a long time, her gaze fixed downward at her glass of wine. By the time she looks up, her whole body is trembling. “It’s happening right now,” she says quietly. “Right now some little girl is being dropped off in the parking lot of a motel. There are three or four girls holed up in a hotel next to a McDonald’s. It’s not only when we think about it. It is happening all the time. And if I’m just sitting here, present, having dinner, not thinking about it, that means I’m ignoring a problem that I know is real.” Tears stream down her face.

“Many images have never left my mind,” she says. “It’s really hard to have worked your entire life in law enforcement with a lot of child crime victims and be at the end of your career looking at the situation where you realize you can only do so much to make a difference.” Badolato wipes back the tears with the palm of her hand and shudders her head, as if she can shake the thoughts away. “Damn,” she says. “Fuck. I shouldn’t be the one crying. I’m not the victim of this.” The veteran agent steels herself and repeats, “I am not the victim.”

THE HOUSE WHERE Korina Ellison says she was first sex-trafficked no longer exists. It once stood on an unassuming lot in a residential suburb of Portland, Oregon, that stumbles down to the banks of the Willamette River. Now, Ellison can’t quite bring the house’s features to mind. She was so young back then, maybe four or five. There is so much she’s repressed, or only pieced together after the fact. As a child, she wouldn’t have known what she now believes to be true: that her grandmother scored her drugs by offering up her youngest daughter, Ellison’s mom. Or that, once her mom was hooked on the meth cooked by the man who’d lived in that house, she’d known just what to do to get more. But Ellison does remember being inside the house, unclothed. She does remember how the man would touch her.

Her life unspooled from there. Her father died of a heroin overdose when she was six. Her mom lost custody for good. She bounced around foster care, then various residential institutions, then whatever shelter she could find. In the story she tells of how she was sex-trafficked again in her teenage years, there’s no moment of drama, no kidnapping, no clear coercion. There was just a random, rainy afternoon when she had no place to go and was alone in the street and a car pulled up. The man inside took her home with him, fed her, introduced her to his girlfriend. They took her shopping. They let her stay. When men showed up at the home to have sex with the woman, Ellison was invited to watch, but she wasn’t expected to participate — not at first, anyway. According to a statement Ellison later made to law enforcement, she just “realized that people aren’t going to take care of [me] for free.” Soon, the woman was posting Ellison’s services on Backpage — $150 for half an hour, $200 for a full one — and the trio were traveling the Midwest. For a long time, it didn’t even occur to Ellison, then 16, to leave. “Where would I have gone?” she asks. “I’d been missing for over a year. Nobody was looking for me.” When the man told her to call him “Daddy,” she complied.

That was more than a decade ago, near the beginning of Badolato’s tenure as head of the Child Exploitation Task Force. But by 2021, leaving it had seemed a necessary form of self-preservation. One of her last cases had gone well legally: The perp, a retired police officer from California who had produced child sex-abuse materials of three sisters in Manila, had pleaded guilty to such charges when he learned that Badolato had brought the girls to the states to testify against him. But the experience had been emotionally devastating for Badolato, who had wanted the sisters, then 16, 13, and 11, to have memories of the U.S that consisted of more than reliving their trauma in a courtroom. She took them shopping and to the zoo, invited them to her home to have dinner with her own family, saw them slowly start to open up and laugh and behave like the children they were. Then she’d had to put them on a flight back to Manila, back to the aunt who had allowed the man to abuse them and who Badolato had been unable to extradite. Fortunately, she says, their estranged father ended up intervening and taking custody of the girls, but that feeling of futility in the fight lingered.

“I stayed for a little bit longer after that trial, but it really was when I should have been able to look myself in the mirror and say, ‘Nikki, you’re done,’ ” Badolato had told me in St. Louis. “It became clear that I had been doing it too long.” She’d spend the last couple of years working national security, a position without the immediacy of child-exploitation work, but also without the heartache. “If I can be perfectly honest, I truly don’t believe that the FBI realizes what they put their agents through doing that kind of work. I just don’t,” she says.

And yet, here Badolato was in Portland, leading Ellison, now 30, up to her hotel room, telling her about all the announcements she’d heard in the Atlanta airport instructing travelers to be on the lookout for sex trafficking. “It’s like white noise in the background,” she says as Ellison settles into the sofa. “It’s a false sense of doing something to help.”

“Here’s the thing: Nobody knows what to look for,” Ellison agrees.

“And what about the victims who are in that airport, who are walking around and listening?” Badolato asks.

“I wouldn’t have even heard that announcement,” Ellison replies. “Because I didn’t feel like a victim. It goes a lot, lot, lot deeper than anybody realizes.”

That’s what she and Badolato both understand. That’s why they started talking eight months ago. Of all the teenage victims Badolato’s task force recovered, Ellison is one of the few who she knows has permanently extricated herself from being prostituted, though it took years for her to get to that point, years for her to see that what happened to her was not her fault but rather a fault in the system, a fault in many systems over the course of generations. Neither she nor Badolato can fix that.

Yet they can’t help feeling like there’s something they can fix — or at least try to. Under the umbrella of an organization she’s founded called Innocent Warriors, Badolato created a program for schools, instructing educators on the signs that might indicate a student is being trafficked and teaching kids how to avoid getting groomed online, which, she believes, is not about stranger danger but rather an awareness of subtle manipulation. Ellison has been working with trafficked youth through nonprofits like Children of the Night, the residential program where Badolato’s team sent her when she was 17. Together, they’ve been talking about having Ellison help train undercovers who are learning to do trafficking sting ops. They’ve also discussed starting a mentorship program in which children who are still being sex-trafficked are paired with young adults like Ellison who once were, providing a way for victims to begin to envision a different future for themselves and a path toward it even while being prostituted. Such a program may be retroactive rather than proactive, but it would capitalize on Badolato’s and Ellison’s experience and expertise — and it could help in the healing of mentors and mentees alike.

Badolato had traveled to Portland for the two to talk face-to-face about how the program might work. “You have to understand how they’ve been traumatized because sometimes, to a child, relating doesn’t sound like you’re relating. It sounds like you’re pointing out all the bad things in them,” says Ellison from the driver’s seat of her Nissan Pathfinder as she drives Badolato around to show her certain landmarks of her past after she’d left Children of the Night: the bridge she’d slept under for over a year after a boyfriend had gotten her hooked on heroin, the blocks downtown where she’d bounced between a children’s shelter and the needle exchange. It had taken a prison sentence for her to finally break her addiction and commit to a different kind of life, though that evolution had had less to do with not having access to drugs than with seeing her own mother cycle in and out of the same facility — like looking into her own future and witnessing how bleak it would be. Maybe, she thought, she could provide the inverse of that for kids in Innocent Warriors. Maybe she could reverse engineer her own escape.

“I just want to make it very clear that if you were a victim, you are a victim, and just to not have any shame in that,” she tells Badolato as they drive through Portland’s misty streets.

“What I anticipate and hope is that then we get survivors that are like, ‘They get it,’ ” Badolato replies. “And that it opens up doors to help, for people to recognize that there are people who get what’s really going on.”

“It took a really long time for me,” Ellison says of coming to terms with her own victimhood.

“It’s like reworking your thought process about some of those things,” Badolato agrees. “And that’s hard, and it happens slowly over time, and it looks different for everybody.”

Ellison grips the wheel tightly. “The truth does matter. It does. The truth is the fucking truth. And it’s been empowering to be able to talk about it because that’s another way that I’ve realized, like, ‘Man, I was a victim,’ is re-going over all of this. Because when it happens so many times, you do blame yourself. It’s a lot easier to just continue to live in a lie than believe that you were lied to.”

Still, Ellison and Badolato agree that the impressionability that makes children vulnerable is also what makes them open to guidance and mentorship if a relationship of trust can be established. “What do you think a parent does? They groom you. I’d been waiting to be guided and groomed,” Ellison says.

It’s been instructive to see that potential from another perspective, as a mother doing the guiding. As the afternoon wears on, Ellison stops to pick up her then-15-month-old son, who was being watched by a social-worker friend. She buckles the little boy into his car seat, ruffles his hair, and passes him a bottle. He grins widely and begins removing his shoes and socks, throwing them gleefully onto the floor of the car and then kicking his tiny feet in time with the music as Ellison glances back at him and smiles. “Kids are so perfect,” she says.

The last stop of the day is the large plot of land where the drug dealer’s house once stood. Now, it’s been turned into a playground, with brightly-colored jungle gyms, a covered picnic area, and a large lawn, where a couple leisurely walks their dog. Ellison and Badolato climb down from the car and stand at the park’s edge, as Ellison’s son toddles around the grass, oblivious to what had transpired in that very spot. There is some form of poetic justice in the land being earmarked for children’s enjoyment, but neither woman voices it. Mostly, they’re quiet. Night is falling, the air growing cooler, and the gray sky fading into dusk.

“You would never think a park could hide what it used to be,” Ellison says at last. And yet it did. Driving off with Badolato at her side and her son babbling happily in the back seat, Ellison glances in the rear-view mirror, but only for a moment. Badolato keeps her eyes fixed only on the road ahead.

[olderthannetfic]

You've encountered site changes over time as a fan elder, what do you make of Tumblr potentially being put out to pasture? Tumblr was my coming of age fan site, and im looking for advice to transition to the next thing with grace and less bitterness than I feel now.

--

Ahaha. God, you should have heard the howling about LJ. "Fandom is over!" "Never again shall we dwell in fandom's True Home!" etc.

Hell, this endless "only LJ was good" crap turns up in replies here on posts where I as OP have very clearly laid out why that's rose colored glasses nonsense and you can so make friends on tumblr, have a conversation on tumblr, etc.

I had my crabby phase about this during the transition from Yahoo Groups to LJ. A lot of the real olds had it over paper zines and the transition to the internet.

I don't know if reading these hilariously samey old posts would help. It does give perspective, I think.

--

As for what you should do, do what I did with Tumblr:

1.

Look around to identify the Next Thing fandom is going to camp out on.

It may take a few guesses and some time to figure this out. You will likely not be an early adopter. Fandom was well established here by the time I joined at the end of 2010. Of course, by now, all those 2009 and before accounts are long gone, but at the time, I was a n00b joining other people's space despite having been in fandom for ages.

2.

Don't expect to enjoy it

I didn't join tumblr because I liked it. In fact, I despised it. I kept right on despising it until a brief stint in Sherlock fandom, a fandom that was so active here at the time that I was able to finally see the good aspects of the site's structure and features.

This is the mistake a lot of people make. They give things a cursory try, don't enjoy them, and go "not for me", forgetting that the last site also had a steep learning curve that was either difficult or that they didn't notice because they were in a different phase of their life.

Bitterness and grief are, frankly, an inherent part of the process. You can try not to be a debbie downer in your public comments, but you can't just not feel those things during the awkward part of the transition. Sometimes, acting positive and cutting off excessively negative thoughts can make you feel less negative overall, but it doesn't happen immediately.

3.

Accept that feeling cranky and old is both a you problem and a state of mind, not a property of the new site

Relatedly, the way we remember fandom platform X feeling usually has more to do with us being in college with fandom friends down the hall or having discovered Our People for the first time or some other time when we had a lot of energy and positive emotions. Often, we were in the throes of a first or new fandom love too, probably for some megafandom that other people also cared about at the same time.

When fandom is leaving some site, there's a grieving process anyway, but we're also often in a worse part of our lives for starting new things. We're busy. We're tired. We're between fandoms. We feel like we already paid our dues to build up our community. Why should we have to start again?

But let me tell you, you always need to start again eventually. I go to a weekly vidders' zoom chat, and a lot of the people in there are old as balls, including Kandy, the person who invented vidding back in the 70s. She's a lot of decades and a few cancers in, and she had to relearn how to vid on a computer after transitioning from slideshows to VCR vidding back in the day. If bad health, platform changes, and dead friends were going to stop her, she'd be long gone.

It's like sharks: you stop swimming, you die.

This isn't just about fandom, obviously. It's about avoiding a midlife crisis and, later, about avoiding feeling emotionally geriatric even when your body is falling apart.

Change gets us all, but being mentally old is a choice. The real reason I gave tumblr such a try was that I had been so resistant to getting on LJ. I was 20. Even a year later, it was fucking embarrassing to have been a crotchety old hag as a college student. I promised myself I'd soldier through the next change instead of dragging my feet about it. And it totally worked in the end! But boy did it not make the transition any less unpleasant emotionally!

4.

Find your joy

As is obvious from the above, the vast majority of the problem is just emotions. Fandom has been on a million broken sites with shitty features. We go where the people are, regardless of whether it has the technological aspects we liked at the last place. The actual shape of that platform is largely irrelevant.

What does matter is whether we as an individual fan are still excited and happy about something. I was between fandoms recently and went looking around for BL series I hadn't watched yet. People kept suggesting things set in the present day with too-cheesy production values and too many banal schoolboys in modern day settings without even anything spicy going on. I realized that the BL/danmei scene wasn't really cutting it for me and I should go for production values and genre and non-canon ships. You probably scrolled annoyedly past the picspams that resulted.

(Of course, hilariously, someone has now shown me the trailer of Red Peafowl, so someone may be making BL that feels like it's for me after all. Look at all that badwrong and very dark color grading.)

When you're in a good place emotionally, it's a hell of a lot easier to weather any change, and when you have a new fandom, it's a lot easier to connect with other fans.

A lot of people wait around for lightning to strike twice. They found their first fandom by accident, and they expect it to happen seamlessly again. For me, it's far more productive to brute force it: collect up a big list of what's popular or what's new and go through it till you find things you might like, then try them all.

And part of this, obviously, is not waiting for other fans to make the party happen. The more you need to join something other people are already doing, the less choice you'll have in fandoms or in platforms. If you aren't picky and just go where the tropey longfic is, that can work, but even then, favorite authors disappear or go to fandoms you hate and former megafandoms dry up. If you're the one bringing the party, it's a lot easier to find a new fandom or platform or community to have fun in.

[ofmdrecaps]

08/28-29/2024 Daily OFMD Recap

TLDR; David Jenkins; Rhys Darby; Ruibo Qian; Vico Ortiz; Ruibo Qian; Nat Torres; Eliza Cossio; Madeleine Sami; Damien Gerard; Cortney Andersen; Call To Action: Yahoo Survey; Love Notes; Daily Darby/Today's Taika;

== Recap Status ==

Hey friends, my dad finally had surgery and he's alive but there are complications. I've compiled what I can for these two days, idk how useful it is. I'll try to get more done tonight since so much happened today but I'm not sure how far I'll get. Sending hugs and good vibes <3 Thank you for all the kind words and folks checking on me, sorry I'm slow to respond, been a lot the last few days. Pardon me for any mistakes, please feel free to let me know if there are.

== David Jenkins ==

David's mom Mary was just named US Open Employee of the Month! Congrats Mrs. Jenkins!

David retweeted this old post by Liam Gallagher <3

David Jenkins twitter

== Rhys Darby ==

= Cryptid Factor: Live in Edinburgh =

Rhys and the boys have posted a a partial video of the first night of The Cryptid Factor Live <3 Check it out on their patreon.

Source: The Cryptid Factor Patreon

The episode of Expedition X with Rhys is out on Discovery!

Source: Phil Torres Instagram

Rhys is being the best band manager Murray and promoting his son Finn's band! You can follow them on Youtube!

Source: Rhys Darby's Twitter

Yes, Rhys Darby has worn a kilt, take that information and do with it what you will <3

Source: @wastingyourgum's Twitter

== Ruibo Qian ==

The Pirate Queen is playing around with filters and having a good time <3

Source: Ruibo's Instagram Stories

== Vico Ortiz ==

Vico made a shoutout to our beloved Samson <3

Source: Vico Ortiz Instagram

== Minnie Driver ==

New hair cut for our Anne Bonny!

Source: Minnie Driver's Instagram

== Madeleine Sami ==

More Double Parked BTS/promos from Mads and Crew!

Source: Madeleine Sami's Instagram

== Nat Torres ==

I forgot about the other dogs that the cast posted for International Dog Day back on the 26th! Here's one of our awesome writers, Nat Torres' beautiful pup <3

Source: Nat Torres Instagram Stories

== Eliza Cossio ==

Another one of our writers we don't see out and about too often has made an appearance! We miss you Eliza! So good to see you having fun!

Source: Elisa Cossio's Instagram

== Courtney Andersen ==

Happy International Dog day from Courtney, The Revenge's rope maker and his pup! (David popped in to wish the Prince well too!)

Source: Courtney Andersens Instagram

== Damien Gerard ==

Happy Acting Anniversary to our dear Father Teach! <3

Source: Damien Gerard's Twitter

== Call to Action: Yahoo Feedback ==

Thank you to our friend Lucy over on twitter for bringing this to everyone's attention!

Source: Lucy on Twitter

== Love Notes ==

Sorry I don't have a lot in me right now to get the fan spotlight section together lovelies. I hope you're doing so well and staying healthy. I think about you all all the time. I found a few things that made me smile/had some good vibes, sending them along to you. Take care lovelies <3

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by bailey ☻ (@anxiety.positive)

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Studio After Cigs (@st.aftercigs)

== Daily Darby / Today's Taika ==

Smiles and chats for our guys tonight. Gifs courtesy of the so very talented @eddie-redcliffe and @celluloidbroomcloset

[zylophie]

🍡 . 鳥居 — your secret admirer ft k.kazuha & xiao

✿ — ♬ ⌨️ᶻᶻᶻ : yue is typing... ✉!

✿ — ↻ SYNOPSIS : Love is like the breeze itself, you can't see it but the heart know it and its gentle whisper tell a different tale...

✿ — ♯ GENRE : fluff, gn reader

✿ — ↠ NOTE : pyon-yahoo, zee! I know we never really get to talk at all before this but I'm happy to be your secret admirer for this event so I really hope that I live up to your expectations for your favorite characters!

✿ — ♪ REMINDER : reblogs & likes are appreciated, in doing so will motivate us to continue delivering stories to you, thank you for all of your supports ~ !

✿ — ♭ ⁿᵒʷ ᶜᵃˡˡⁱⁿᵍ... : @mccnstruck

✿ — ► ᴺᴼᵂ ᴾᴸᴬᵞᴵᴺᴳ : the art of you featuring kaedehara kazuha and xiao...

🍡 . 鳥居 — kaedehara kazuha

∞ You were an artist originally from sumeru who travel to different nations, looking for some inspirations to complete your travel illustrations journal in hope of sharing your experience with those who can't afford travelling fees.

∞ You weren't really interested in becoming a scholar but instead your passion lies in the world of arts so the moment you were able to become independent, you immediately went off to Liyue which was just so happened to be next to where Sumeru is.

∞ Ever since you were a child, you heard stories of other nations and their cultures so you were really interested in learning more about them and recording it all in your journal.

∞ But when you decide to set foot in an unknown territory, you honestly didn't expect to find love for the first time ...

The bustling city of Liyue was filled with vibrant colours and historical buildings as the laughter and chattering of its residents crowded the streets.

You could see all the buildings and the small stalls are decorated with paper lanterns, and their designs vary from dragons, maple leaves and many more. Your eyes caught the sight of various beautiful flowers decorated some of the residents' hair.

I have never seen those flowers before...I wonder if they are this nation's flowers?

You hummed softly, taking notes of recording it later in your journal once you get to your room but for now, that sweet, sweet tempting aroma of the foods from the stalls is leading you astray...

"(name), no...you have a job to do, you are not here to sightsee-" You paused mid sentence when one of the stall owners brought out the foods, deliciously fresh and hot. It looks so appetizing.

Okay, maybe one bite won't hurt...

.

.

.

"Mmm~ it's so good!!"

Your cheeks flushed in delight, taking another bite of the grilled tiger fish under the big tree as you quietly watched children and adults walking around the streets, enjoying the festival as much as possible.

After having a chat with the store owner about the cultures and their history, he was nice enough to give you some of his grilled tiger fish for free, probably because of the warm and lively atmosphere.

Whatever the reason is...but free food!

As you were enjoying the moment, you suddenly felt the gentle breeze on your face. There was a very light, almost quiet rustling of leaves but soon, the breeze suddenly picked up and you could hear a strong whistling sound of the wind.

"Ah, not my hat?!" You cried, eyes widened in surprise as you immediately stood up and set off to catch it. The (colour) hat flew gently with the wind as its dance to the song of the wind.

But to you, it's just seems like it was mocking you-

"Please, please, please don't go over the bridge...!"

Just as you fear. It went over the bridge and your face almost dropped.

...if it wasn't for a young man swiftly catching it and for a moment, time seems to hold still as the young man floats in mid air slowly landing on the ground as if he was dancing with the wind itself.

It was breathtaking.

"I think I just witnessed something magical..." You pinched your cheeks and soon enough, it stings like heck!

IT'S NOT A DREAM?

The young man turned to you with a kind smile, handing out your hat "I believe this one is yours?"

Oh god. His voice.

"A-Ah, yes! Thank you for getting it for me" You couldn't help but cringe at yourself when your voice just cracked, suddenly feeling embarrassed.

"Excuse me for a moment please" The young man suddenly came closer to you and reached out to your head.

You flinched when the feels of his fingertips gently brushed against your hair before pulling something out and presenting it to you.

"There was a maple leaf stuck in your hair" He let out a chuckle when your eyes widened and stared at him in shock.

"I-uh wha...?"

Oh gosh, is that why some of the passers-by were giggling at?!

"You seem surprised so it wasn't for decoration?"

"Y-Yeah... actually it's my first time here so I'm not very familiar with its culture yet..."

You shyly avoid making eye contact with him, heart thumping loudly and body temperature slowly raising. You could have sworn that the kind stranger would hear it.

"Would you like to take a stroll with me?" He asked in a kind tone, his gaze softened as some of his locks brushed against his face due to the wind picking itself up again "I could tell you anything of what I know about Liyue Harbor if you would like?"

"Are you sure? I would love to!" You happily accepted his offer, totally not just because you want to get to know him more... it's for your work definitely!

"Ah, I forgot to introduce myself..." You cut yourself off before awkwardly scratching your cheek "I am (last name) (name)...it's nice to meet you"

"I am Kaedehara Kazuha, I'm very pleased to make your acquaintance"

...and that was the start of your journey with the young samurai.

🍡 . 鳥居 — xiao

㊊ Ever since you were a child, you heard many stories of other nations from your parents' experience as adventurers before settling down in Sumeru and it's because of them, you've become more curious of the world outside of your homeland.

㊊ Especially the tales of the Rex Lapis and the Adeptus who fought alongside him during the war, you were most curious about the remaining sole survivor of the yakshas.

㊊ You were raised in a loving household so you couldn't imagine how that person felt after losing their family so tragically like that... you want to learn more about their history and how their efforts become one of the many reasons why Liyue Harbor is still standing to this day.

㊊ So once you were older enough to join the adventure guild, you immediately set off to Liyue Harbor for a mission to collect specific herbs that you can only find in the mountains of Liyue where danger lurk in the dark...

The solitary mountains loomed in the distance, the land of geo dwarfing the endless sea of greenery and yellow trees that surrounded the mountaintops.

At dusk, the mountains were silhouettes, shrouded in the dark hues of the night sky but as the sun began to rest, the stars painted the dark sky with their brilliant lights and soon, the moon rose higher as if it was guiding its little ones to shine brightly upon the world.

It was truly a sight to behold.

"This scenery might be good for a painting..." You couldn't keep the big grin off your face as you quickly make your way towards your next destination, hoping to find a safe place to camp for the night.

But something caught your eyes as you were walking up the path between the mountains, it was a small purple flower with strong vitality, its downward-blooming buds really remind you of something...

Wait.

You quickly went to grab your notebook, patting around the inside of your pocket before pulling it out and flipped it open to a list of plants for the mission.

"Hmm... it fits the description" You hummed, taking notes of the flower characteristics before quickly making a sketch of it to go along with and once you were done, you put it away for further studies later on.

You adjusted your grip on your bag before walking up to where the flower is and begins to climb the cliff. You didn't look down, carefully makes your way up the mountain and soon enough, you were close enough to grab the plant "Alright that one down-"

"Ya!"

You snapped your head towards the source of the noise only to see a bunch of Hilichurls and two of them were aiming their arrows right at where you were...

WHERE THE HECK DID THEY COME FROM?

You cursed under your breath at the disadvantageous situation you found yourself in, puzzled but you didn't get to think any further when a sharp and intense outburst, an agony of excruciating pain hits your left shoulder.

You gasped, gritting your teeths as your left hand loosen its grip out of shock and a highly unpleasant, intense physical sensation in the area where the arrow successfully pierced through the skin.

Its burns.

You were barely holding onto the cliff, your line of sight blurred as tears gathered at the corner of your eyes.

"Ika ya! Ika ya! Upano yaya ika!"

"Upa sada!!"

They were screaming at you in their own language, whatever it is...from you could tell from their noises that they were mad about something but why towards you...?

I didn't see any hilichurl camp nearby when I was making my way up here...

I could only remember encountering a few hilichurls because a few adventurers were cornered.

...Ah.

"Ika ya-!"

A violent gust of wind cut the creatures off and the sound of a spear piercing through as the screams of the hilichurls echoed throughout the earthly walls and the next moment.... it's dead silence.

You snapped your eyes open for the world, only to see a beautiful pair of strong golden eyes staring right back at you.

It was a young man with hair as dark as the night sky and teal undertones, he was clearly out of breath and was stiff as a wooden broad but he never took his eyes off you.

...there was something about him that made you feel uneasy, that look in his bewitching golden eyes...

As if he was looking at something... precious.

Why does he look so familiar though...?

"H-Have we met before?" You blurted out, completely mesmerized by this otherworldly beauty in front of you.

"..." He didn't respond, cautiously putting you down onto the ground and his lips trembling slightly, suppressing his emotions in check as he examined your face up close.

His hand cupped your face, his thumb wiping the blood off your cheek gently "...You should be more cautious of your surroundings next time"

His tone was harsh but it's like your heart knew that it wasn't intended to come out like that.

The young man had his back towards you and just as he was about to disappear along with the wind, you cried out "Wait...!"

He paused, slightly glancing over his shoulder to you but you could hardly see his face from where you were "...What is it?"

"I want to know... just who..." You looked up with pleasing eyes, struggling to breathe. You didn't understand why you were acting the way you are now but you knew that if you don't it now, you might regret it later on...

"Xiao"

You stared at him, surprised when he turned to look at you with a facial expression that raised even more questions; the looks of his eyes were soft...as if he was at peace from all of the burdens that shackled him to this world.

"As long as you're in Liyue, Call by my name and I'll be right there when you need me"

...and then he vanished to thin air, leaving you staring at the empty space…

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

venti birthday art captions ranked by how gay they make him and the traveler sound

2024

The morning sun is pretty pleasant, isn't it? Ehe, you can barely keep your eyes open. Here, come sit with me and enjoy the scent of Cecilias! They'll perk you up. Ah, I lost track of time just chatting with you... Wait just a moment, I'm almost done! You haven't eaten apple pie in a long time, have you? Then I'll make us breakfast today~

2021

Oh, is this apple for me? Haha, that won't do, come share this apple with me. Split it open like this...and you will feel the breeze from the apple core. In some fairy tales, it is written that there is a whole tiny world hidden inside an apple core, and this breeze is a gift from the tiny world. Here, this half is for you. Once you're done eating, let's take a stroll in the tiny little world. But remember to keep it a secret and don't tell anyone else. That's because... you're the only one I want to bring there.

2022

Yahoo~ Look up, I'm here! It's been a long time, my warrior, ready to tell me your new story? Haha, you want to know if it's for my verses? Oh, don't make that face. I just want to hear about your adventures, isn't that reason enough? I want to know more about what you saw on your travels or the lives of others. The most important thing for me is to hear you talk about your own experiences and what you think about them. Come on, come sit next to me. This bottle of aged cider will be enough for us to chat from first dawn of the morning light until the stars cover the sky.

2022 (Web Event)

Paimon: Look, it's the Tone-Deaf Bard! / Venti: Heh, I was just wondering when you two would get here. / Traveler: Venti, it's your birthday today. / Traveler: Do you have any birthday wishes or anything you want to do? / Venti: Mmm... Then stay with me to chat and walk around. If we could go for a drink after, that would be great. / Paimon: These are all pretty normal... I would've thought a god's birthday wishes would have more of that "boom shaka-laka." / Venti: Hehe, that "boom shaka-laka" isn't from what you're doing, but who you're doing it with. / Venti: Right, Traveler?

2023 (Birthday Short)

"Together with you, even apples taste sweeter. But something isn't quite right, it feels like... I'm gonna s—sneeze."

2023

Caught you~! The farther your journey takes you, the less time we have to spend together in Mondstadt. But... I knew I'd run into you today. Quick, just sit down, right here! It's a rare chance, so allow me to croon you a dulcet tune, accompanied by the melody of the water's revelry.

2021 (Birthday Short)

"Paimon's back! Paimon picked a lot of big, fresh apples! Hey, where did the Traveler and Tone-Deaf Bard go?"

2022 (Birthday Short)

"Hey, Tone-Deaf Bard, we've been looking for you! Didn't expect you to be here!" / "Haha, Traveler and Paimon! You guys came just in time. Here, special apple juice made just for you. Try it~" / "Hey! Where's the special apple juice for Paimon!?"

2023 (Web Event)

Traveler: Happy birthday, Venti! / Paimon: Tada— Paimon and the Traveler made this apple cake for you! / Venti: Wow, thank you both! As the greatest bard in the whole world, allow me to put on a special performance for you. / Paimon: Yay! You're the best, Venti! / Venti: I'm just returning the favor. I've been waiting for a chance to perform this ever since the both of you told me all those new stories. Now then, shall we begin? / (Venti begins to perform the new ballad he's written. Paimon lets loose a party popper. The confetti flutters in the air, before gently settling on the floor.) / Venti: Wow, we even have stage effects for the song. / Paimon: Hehe, Paimon prepared this in advance. / Paimon: Wait... Is Paimon going to have to pick up the confetti pieces one by one before we leave? / Venti: Oh, that'll be a breeze. A little gust of wind will make quick work of that. / Traveler: ...So this is the sort of stuff the Anemo Archon uses his elemental powers for, huh? / Venti: Ehe.

2020

The tune you just hummed away, is it one that I oft play? Ah, so it's "Happy Birthday" you were just humming? Then please, continue, and I shall keep strumming! Eh-he!

2024 (Birthday Short) & 2024 (Birthday Calendar)

"Eh, olah! Mosi mita!"

The wind here is mixed with the scent of Cecilias... It feels quite pleasant! Oh, don't be afraid, little one. I've got you. Listen, there seems to be singing coming from a distance...

[doomer-diva]

1998 Yahoo! Internet Lift July X-Files Gillian Anderson Interview

X-LIFE: Scully seems to be in tune with her computer, e-mail, and the Net.  But you've admitted that's the show, not real life.  Has the role nudge you into exploring cyberspace a bit more?

GILLIAN: Well, I do own a laptop, but part of me is a little afraid I would shirk my real-life responsibilities if I actually went online a lot.

X-LIFE: So how do you look so convincing when you're using computers on the show?

GILLIAN: It's called acting.  I have a general idea of what's on the Net.  I don't have a deep understanding of all those chat rooms, or have down all of the terminology.  But I can definitely pretend like I do.

X-LIFE: No one has a deep understanding of those chat rooms.  How do you feel about online adulation?  Last we searched, there were 24,000 Web links listed in AltaVista such sites as the Gillian Anderson Estrogen Brigade (www.teatime.com/gaeb), the Gillian Anderson House of Worship (crunchie.simplenet.com/gahow.html), and the Gillian Anderson Picture Vault (www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Theatre/2527).  Do you sometimes stop and think, "Who are all these people?"

GILLIAN: Honestly, if it makes people happy I don't care what they do with their free time, with their lives.  If that's the way they want to spend it, then it's their choice.  I don't consider them losers in any way.   Hey, they're doing that instead of hitting the bars, and that's fine by me.

X-LIFE: Yet the minute there's talk or even rumors about you in the press, it's on the Net in a matter of seconds.  Does that make you a little paranoid?

GILLIAN: Hmmm ... I hadn't really thought about it in terms of paranoia.

X-LIFE: All that "truth" showing up out there?

GILLIAN: Come to think of it, now you're making me paranoid.  [Laughs]  People make up stuff.  That's what the whole tabloid press is about.  But all that matters is the truth, and we know what the truth is.   Everything else is superfluous.

X-LIFE: So when you do log on, what do you log on for?

GILLIAN: It's mostly when I do some work with my local radio station.  Sometimes, after a radio session, I'll log on.  But most of the time we have to abort the process because so many people start coming on to ask questions that the entire system shuts down.

X-LIFE: When Scully goes home at night and logs on, where does she go?

GILLIAN: Most of the time she's looking for research, or trying to find information about people she's investigating.  Pathogens, diseases, and stuff like that.

X-LIFE: Would she ever consider going into a chat room with a nice, single pathologist?

GILLIAN: A nice, single pathologist?  [Laughs]   She might.  That's kind of interesting.  She might.

X-LIFE: I ask because online, one of the most debated X-Files questions is, "Who should Scully become romantically involved with?  The list runs the gamut from Mulder to Krycek to Skinner.  For the record, what kind of man is Scully attracted to?

GILLIAN: Well, hey, that's not a very big pool you've got there.

X-LIFE: Fans will throw any character into the scenario.  Shoot, even Flukeman.

GILLIAN: What about, oh, what was his name?   Kresge.  I thought there might be some possibility there for Scully.   That was the one person I can see her being interested in.  The only valid prospect in the last couple of years.

X-LIFE: That's kind of depressing.

GILLIAN: Well, she doesn't have a lot of time for anything else.

X-LIFE: There's also some rough stuff out there on the Net.  As a mother, what are your impressions of the Net?

GILLIAN: I think that's it's valid to put some kind of block on some of the information that's out there, but otherwise, I think the way to deal with it is in education, and working with kids early on in their lives so they don't feel the need to have that kind of outlet.  If they're predisposed to finding that [pornographic] kind of information, there's something lacking in their lives.  It's not about getting the information, because they can get it anywhere they want.

X-LIFE: Well, what do you think about all of the manipulated photos of you that are on the net from facial distortions to superimposed nude bodies?   You and Alicia Silverstone are perhaps the favorite subjects of these enthusiasts.  Does this bother you at all?

GILLIAN: No.  It would bother me more if I thought they were real photos of me nude.  Knowing that they're not, it doesn't really bother me at all.

X-LIFE: Then you take a live-and-let live approach?

GILLIAN: Why should I be bothered?  As far as David [Duchovny, her costar] and I are concerned, our images are exploited left and right, and we have no control over it.  So it's just another aspect of that.

X-LIFE: Speaking of exploitation, there's been a lot of tension between Twentieth Century Fox and online fans over some X-Files fan sites and the posting of copyrighted materials.  At first, this was largely tolerated; now, Fox is going after them, and many fans feel it will backfire.  How do you feel?

GILLIAN: I'm not actually aware of that struggle.   Tell me more about it.

X-LIFE: Well, there are a lot of sites out there devoted to you and David.  Most are not posted for profit, although some fans do post copyrighted stills of the show.  So Fox lawyers have sent out cease-and-desist letters to some of the sites.  The online community gets unhappy when this happens, but Fox has a point as well.

GILLIAN: I'm not versed enough about the Internet to know what's being exploited and what's not.  But I believe in freedom of speech, and to a certain degree, freedom of the press.  My opinion right off the bat is that it's just people online having a good time.  As long as it's not for profit, Fox is making a tremendous profit on everything.  I don't think it would diminish the profit that they're making.  If it's not for profit, and it's just for fun, hey, it's par for the course.

X-LIFE: There's a lot of speculation on the Internet about the success of your upcoming movie. Entertainment Weekly rated the film one of the riskiest releases of the coming season.  Is that a concern of yours?

GILLIAN: No, it's not a concern at all.  I don't know why they would have rated it risky.  With all of the die-hard fans alone, the movie would end up being  a success, and that's not even taking into consideration new viewers or people who have never seen the show before.

X-LIFE: What does the success of the film mean for you?

GILLIAN: It would mean that in the future, we would revisit this situation every few years and do more features, which for me is an exciting prospect.

X-LIFE: Are you getting tired of the television series?

GILLIAN: It's not that I'm getting tired of it, it's just that it's incredibly grueling.  And if we're going to be doing features every few years, ya know, it seems that the more productive scenario to keep us alive and interested in doing the work would be to have the show flip over to features, and gradually let go of he TV series within the next one or two years.

X-LIFE: On the Net, fans rate Jose Chung's "From Outer Space" and Clyde Bruckman's "Final Repose" as the best episodes.   Which do you like most?

GILLIAN: I think that one of the more recent ones the vampire one, called "Bad Blood," is one of my favorites of all time now.

X-LIFE: Do you feel any of the episodes have gone too far?

GILLIAN: There are some I'm not too crazy about, but not because they went too far.  I wasn't that crazy in the end about the two-parter involving my daughter.  I liked aspects of them, but as a whole, they didn't turn out as well as I wanted them to.

X-LIFE: Does [X-Files creator] Chris Carter ever come on the set to show you things he find online, like what Net fans think about your performances?

GILLIAN: Chris will sometimes bring up things that perked his interest online.  But we don't actually see him that often.

X-LIFE: Final question: When it comes to believing in extraterrestrial life, are you more like Scully or Mulder?

GILLIAN: My take is that the universe is vast beyond our wildest dreams, that it's more likely than not that there is life out there.  In that respect, I'd have to say I'm more Mulder-oriented.

End interview

[harrisonarchive]

On February 15, 2001, George Harrison took part in two web chats (with Yahoo and MSN).

George: “May God bless you all. Don't forget to say all you prayers tonight. Be good little souls. Lots of Love! George. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)”

The full chat transcripts under the "read more" cut.

Yahoo! Chat Transcript
 George Harrison 02/15/01 ChatYahoo_Lisa: Welcome to Yahoo! Chat ChatYahoo_Lisa: We are here with George Harrison george_harrison_live: Hello! george_harrison_live: It's nice to be here! george_harrison_live: It's my first time on a computer... I'm pretty illiterate :) yahoomusic asks: What made you decide to re-issue All Things Must Pass now? george_harrison_live: It's the 30th anniversary and I'm in the process of remastering my entire catalog george_harrison_live: Which I want to get back into the stores george_harrison_live: So we started with that one george_harrison_live: and hopefully during the year george_harrison_live: We'll be able to come with the next batch and so on george_harrison_live: So that everything I have ever done will be available. morvyon asks: George, are you planning a new studio album? george_harrison_live: Yeah. george_harrison_live: I hope to put out a new studio album george_harrison_live: Possibly in November george_harrison_live: and I have at the moment many songs in various states of completion george_harrison_live: Possibly 35 songs that I have been working on over the years. yahoomusic asks: Do you surf the internet much? What types of things do you do online? george_harrison_live: No, I never surf george_harrison_live: I don't know the password. willowy_blonde asks: Hi, my boyfriend wants to know, he's a musician what's your fave electric guitar and do you still have "Rocky" your '61 fender strat? george_harrison_live: Hello willowy blonde! george_harrison_live: I still have Rocky! george_harrison_live: and he can be seen at Cyril's rare guitar shop on allthingsmustpass.com timbarwick asks: Will you be releasing Living in the Material World in a remastered/extra tracks version? george_harrison_live: Well, as I said before george_harrison_live: That will be the next one to be remastered george_harrison_live: I have to get into my tape library to find out if there are any alternate versions of anything. silbeat asks: Hi George! Glad to hear from you again! Are you planning to do any live performances? If so, where would you like to play? (Please include Argentina!!!). With love from Argentina. Sole, Mara, Silvi, Vale, Gilda, Ale, Sami and Graciela. george_harrison_live: Hello Argentina! :) george_harrison_live: At the moment I have no plans for live performances george_harrison_live: If I do later, I will certainly come to Argentina rbortega2001 asks: What did you think of Bob Dylan getting nominated for an Oscar? george_harrison_live: I think he should win it! george_harrison_live: I think he should win ALL the Oscars george_harrison_live: all the Tonys george_harrison_live: all the Grammys pcpalmiere asks: How has The Rutles influenced your career? george_harrison_live: I got all my ideas from The Rutles! george_harrison_live: particularly the 12-string Rickenbacker and slide guitar styles I got from Stig O'Hara. george_harrison_live: I met him once and he is a super chap. oldmanalex asks: Hello from Russia, George! Russian fans invite you to play in Moscow! Can you tell, will the Traveling Wilburys reform? Are there any plans to record something with Tom Petty, Bob Dylan and Jeff Lynne? george_harrison_live: Thank you Russian fans! george_harrison_live: I'll be there after Argentina! nattyrobbo asks: Hi George! I'm Natalie, an 18 y.o. girl from Australia, and I'm a HUGE fan. Any hints for a budding guitarist??? george_harrison_live: Yes. george_harrison_live: Buy a ukulele! mike_n_tex asks: George, do you ever see a reunion tour with you and Paul and Ringo? george_harrison_live: Stranger things have happened. flatcat65 asks: George, Which version of My Sweet Lord do you like best, your original or the new version? george_harrison_live: I like the new version better. george_harrison_live: Because it's new! george_harrison_live: and I like Sam Brown singing it. ChatYahoo_Lisa: Why did you re-visit it? george_harrison_live: At the time, the song was so popular and also so controversial that the most important thing about it for me was that it george_harrison_live: in it's small way george_harrison_live: conjured up a touch of spirituality george_harrison_live: something we are very short of... ChristopherClause asks: Hi George! Christopher here! Thank you for being such an inspiration! What was it like working with Phil Spector? Although I can hear his influence, your "influence" and leadership in the production is clear. God bless you, George! george_harrison_live: Phil Spector was prob the greatest producer from the 60s and it was good to work with him because I needed some assistance in the control box. george_harrison_live: Phil is very funny george_harrison_live: loveable george_harrison_live: we love him :) mebissy asks: I have several teenage friends who've just discovered All Things Must Pass. They were wondering about radio airplay. I explained that this was a re-mastered, etc. album - a re-release essentially. They, however (as do I) feel the music is just as cool as it was when you first released the work. Wouldn't it be great if a single was selected and the whole cycle could start again? george_harrison_live: It's nice to know that teenagers find All Things Must Pass *cool* george_harrison_live: As far as a single goes, george_harrison_live: I suppose that's really up to Capitol Records george_harrison_live: I have no objection! melissay1 asks: Hi, Mr. Harrison, how do you feel about the Beatles 1 album being top of the charts? george_harrison_live: It's very nice george_harrison_live: It's also nice that young children seem to be hearing it for the first time george_harrison_live: and I think as an alternative form of music for today george_harrison_live: it has its place alongside all this other stuff. captainwombat_2000 asks: Out of curiosity, why the garden gnomes on All Things Must Pass? george_harrison_live: Originally, when we took the photo george_harrison_live: I had these old Bavarian gnomes george_harrison_live: which I thought I would put there george_harrison_live: like kinda... John, Paul, George and Ringo george_harrison_live: gnomes are very popular in Europe george_harrison_live: and these gnomes were made in about 1860 george_harrison_live: so, while building the website george_harrison_live: the gnomes just seemed to get into it and we just couldn't stop them! gearfabasitwere asks: Is Indian music still a big infuence on your music? george_harrison_live: Yes! ChatYahoo_Lisa: anything particular? george_harrison_live: Check out U. Srinivas a South Indian electric mandolin player george_harrison_live: eat your heart out Van Halen! moosefalva101 asks: Following the incident at your house on Dec. 1999 has your outlook on life changed at all? george_harrison_live: Yes and no george_harrison_live: Adi Shankara an Indian historical, spiritual, groovy-type person once said george_harrison_live: "Life is fragile, like a raindrop on a lotus leaf." george_harrison_live: and you better believe it! Nicole_Paul asks: I am curious about your website and the way the cover photo is altered by adding roads and urban development to the picture. Does that symbolize anything? george_harrison_live: Yes. george_harrison_live: It symbolizes that our world is being concreted over. Haven't you noticed? bluejeanbaby42001 asks: George, you have quite a reputation as a gardener...What are some of your "pride & joy" plants? Love, Dianne george_harrison_live: Well, for the cooler climates (as in England) george_harrison_live: The current trend is definitely toward Miscanthus george_harrison_live: You'll find many lovely varieties george_harrison_live: try the Zebrensis and also the Malepartis george_harrison_live: However, george_harrison_live: if you're gardening in the tropics george_harrison_live: I think you'll find a lovely little ginger called Kahili :P a_t_m98 asks: Mr. Harrison.. what is the opening chord you used for "A Hard Days Night"? george_harrison_live: It is F with a G on top (on the 12-string) george_harrison_live: But you'll have to ask Paul about the bass note to get the proper story. hari_girl asks: What do you think of Eminem's grammy nomination? george_harrison_live: What's Eminem? george_harrison_live: Aren't they choclates or something? beatles_lvr asks: You started the "band aid" movement; who would you help today? Love you George!! george_harrison_live: Bob Geldof! Moyette asks: What did you record with Bill Wyman last month? george_harrison_live: :) An old Ketty Lester song called "Love Letters" sharonconcannon2000 asks: Why was "I Live For You" left out of the original mix? (I think it's lovely, thank you for putting out at last!) george_harrison_live: I didn't think that we had got a good enough take on it. george_harrison_live: Except for Pete Drake, the pedal steel guitar player. george_harrison_live: At that time, I had so many other tracks as well, george_harrison_live: so we just left it off. george_harrison_live: It did need patching up george_harrison_live: in the drum department. pcpalmiere asks: How close are you to releasing that boxed set of unreleased songs and demos you talked about in Billboard some time back? george_harrison_live: Well, hopefully during this year I should at least get out a new album and all the other boxes of unreleased demos could possibly follow in 18 months. I'm trying to get everything that has ever been done out there. It'll just take a little time. nikolaidisgm asks: George, what do you miss most about John Lennon? george_harrison_live: John Lennon. michaelcalcina asks: George: In the Anthology book, you talk about the unwound G string. What is that? I play guitar and I'm not sure what you're talking about. george_harrison_live: It's one of those little things that goes up your butt so that people can't see your pantylines. george_harrison_live: No, It's actually a 3rd string that doesn't have a winding around it. spongeweed70508 asks: Does Paul still piss you off (tell us the truth) george_harrison_live: Scan not a friend with a microscopic glass -- You know his faults -- Then let his foibles pass. george_harrison_live: Old Victorian Proverb. george_harrison_live: I'm sure there's enough about me that pisses him off, but I think we have now grown old enough to realize george_harrison_live: that we're both pretty damn cute! incantataa asks: Mr. Harrison, I was wondering if you might tell us a bit about your ideas on love. Romantic love, that is. I recall you having written some of the Beatles' most beatiful love songs. It would be interesting to hear how your religious attitudes have impacted your beliefs concerning romanticism. george_harrison_live: Well, the lover that we miss is actually God. george_harrison_live: The beauty that you see within each other is actually God. george_harrison_live: So, Krishna was the greatest romanticist. He had girlfriends on every corner! george_harrison_live: I can't seperate the two -- a beautiful girl is the divine mother, a beautiful man is the manifestation of potential. fabzzy asks: You're joking in a most Pythonistic manner tonight George.., it's great to hear you online!!! george_harrison_live: PISS OFF!! george_harrison_live: You nosy bastard! i_arcos asks: Is it true that you recorded "Homeward Bound" with P. Simon? george_harrison_live: I recorded that with Paul Simon on Saturday Night Live back in 1853. tnntxx asks: George, given the drug experimentation of the 60's, how do you feel about the legalitzation of pot? george_harrison_live: Well, I saw someone on TV last night pulling out huge loads of pot out of various fields in California. My feeling is... george_harrison_live: as long as you can go into a store and buy george_harrison_live: whiskey george_harrison_live: bourbon george_harrison_live: and all the rest of it george_harrison_live: then, a little grass is nothing. george_harrison_live: the authorities are just causing the price to be high -- 'scuse the pun. ckeavenyuk asks: Have you any tips to budding songwiters? Do you, as John apparantly advised you stick at it until you have finished it. george_harrison_live: Try and write some melodies. And some words that mean something. george_harrison_live: It is true that if you are on a roll, then it's best to finish it in one go. george_harrison_live: That's what Johnny said. kdtash asks: Any chance that the Dark Horse material, esp. Shankar Family and Friends will be released on CD? george_harrison_live: Well, along with my own catalog of records george_harrison_live: the other Dark Horse records george_harrison_live: hopefully will be finding a new home george_harrison_live: and coming out on CDs (remastered) sometime in the future. mp0071999 asks: Hey George will you be ever be back on Yahoo? george_harrison_live: Possibly. It's pretty painless for me. kyntire2001 asks: Happy Birthday (a little early). During your recent Internet video promoting All Things Must Pass, you pointed to an engraving on the back of your guitar. What did the engraving say? george_harrison_live: It's a Maclaren strat and it had a metal chassis number plate on the back. george_harrison_live: Thank you all! george_harrison_live: May God bless you all. george_harrison_live: Don't forget to say all your prayers tonight. george_harrison_live: Be good little souls. george_harrison_live: Lots of Love! george_harrison_live: George. george_harrison_live: :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) ChatYahoo_Lisa: Thank you sooo much for joining us....pretty please come back soon! george_harrison_live: Check out allthingsmustpass.com. george_harrison_live: for further entertainment! ChatYahoo_Lisa: Bye everyone!

MSN chat transcript - George Harrison, February 15, 2001

DishDiva : Welcome to MSN Live! Today we are pleased to welcome George Harrison to MSN. DishDiva : Please join me in welcoming Mr. George Harrison to MSN Live! DishDiva : Today we will be talking with George Harrison about the re-release of "All Things Must Pass." DishDiva : George, welcome to MSN Live! George_Harrison_Live : Hello, good evening! George_Harrison_Live : How's your father! How's your uncle? DishDiva : George, the Internet was not a part of your promotion last time around for "All Things Must Pass." What part does the Internet play in promotion for "ALL Things Must Pass" now? George_Harrison_Live : I suppose the fact that it is just like this and everyone is listening.It eliminates the time of someone printing up a Newspaper. DishDiva : SR says: Is it true that you were really asked to join the beatles because you knew all the chords to "Twenty Flight Rock"? George_Harrison_Live : No! Paul knew "Twenty Flight Rock" but I did too. DishDiva : Spockmiester55 Asks: What is the difference between the old and new release if any? George_Harrison_Live : The new release is remastered and is much much better to the record that existed up until now and it has five bonus tracks on it. It also has new packaging. DishDiva : Sherwood Asks: Will your other past releases receive the deluxe treatment as "Pass" did? George_Harrison_Live : It depends really. They will all be remastered. Whether the artwork will change, I don't know. It depends what we feel at the time and what the record company feels at the time. DishDiva : alina says: Do you remember how you felt making "All Things Must Pass"? DishDiva : jerryfender Asks: Don't you miss the old packaging with albums vs CD's? All Things Must Pass was great because even the box was huge! George_Harrison_Live : Twelve inch square artwork gets you more scope and greater impact.Those days the album cover used to be part of the overall package. It seems to become less important because it is smaller and not so many people are interested in the artwork. DishDiva : doodah says: Where were you spiritually then when you wrote the lyrics for "My Sweet Lord", and where are you now spritually, have you grown? George_Harrison_Live : Somebody said a very famous Indian saint said "if there is a God, we must see him. And if there is a soul we must perceive it." In the West they still argue if God really exists. Basically, I am in the same place. The song really came from Swami Vivekananda. DishDiva : iluvgeorge says: Will you be touring? George_Harrison_Live : At the moment, no. DishDiva : lidbaby says: Any musicians you like right now? George_Harrison_Live : Hoagy Carmichael. There are many, many, many musicians. DishDiva : babe says: Is most of what's been written about you pure rubbish? Is there any one book that's more accurate than any other? George_Harrison_Live : The one that is the most accurate is "The Beatles" by the Beatles. When a book is written by someone who doesn't like you, it may not be very good. DishDiva : WildingTangent Asks: Are you still writing and recording songs? How would your style of music these days? George_Harrison_Live : I am still doing that, yes. Hopefully, there will be one coming out at the end of the year. DishDiva : tedsblues Asks: Re: recording...analog or digital? George_Harrison_Live : I have always recorded analog except when I was in a live concert. Generally, I record on analog but I hear that digital these days are getting better. The bandwidth is getting better. DishDiva : arainyfriday Asks: Looking back, how do you view your book "I, Me, Mine"? If it were to be re-released, would you make changes based on perspective you have gained over the years? George_Harrison_Live : It was ok for the time. I thought it was well made. It was an excuse to have a nice leather book like the Bible.
 DishDiva : liam0241 Asks: What was the inspiration for the song 'Run of the Mill' George_Harrison_Live : There was an expression that came from Yorkshire where they made fabric. Run of the mill just means average. I was using that phrase more or less, because, the Beatles were just splitting up. I don't know if they had that expression in America. DishDiva : sasha says: Hi Mr. Harrison. My dad and I like your site. Did you do it? George_Harrison_Live : I am not a technician. But I sat with people from Radical Media. They came to my house and set up the computers. The technicians did it and I kept thinking of ideas.I didn't have a concept of what a website was and I still don't understand the concept. I wanted to see little people poking each other with sticks much like Monty Python. DishDiva : You can check out George Harrison's website at http://www.allthingsmustpass.com DishDiva : rico Asks: What do you wish you could do, that you have'nt done already? George_Harrison_Live : Dematerialize my body. DishDiva : OKRichH says: I consider this a great priviledge to chat with you. Was the recording of "All Things Must Pass" a fulfilling outlet for you? George_Harrison_Live : Yeah, at the time it was very fulfilling- a chance to do a record of my own material. DishDiva : Brit says: What's the most popular misconception about you that people have? George_Harrison_Live : That I am serious. Pisces are depicted as two fish going in opposite directions. Many people do not see the humorous side. It is just as big! DishDiva : Beat says: Are you interested in all in the different sounds that electronics can add to guitar sounds, or are you more of a 'back to basics' advocate? George_Harrison_Live : More of back to basics. I really like the sounds they had in the 50's. Now you just buy something and plug it in. You can sound like Jimi Hendrix or whoever and everyone sounds the same. DishDiva : jediprincess00 Asks: what would you like to say to the younger generation that looks up to you? George_Harrison_Live : Try to realize what the purpose of being in a body is. There is only one purpose really and that is what you have to try to not forget. Who am I? Where did I come from? Where am I going? DishDiva : George, it has been a pleasur having you as our guest tonight! George_Harrison_Live : Lots of love and kevlar to everyone! George_Harrison_Live : It has been nice talking to you. Please enjoy the website! Ask_Questions_Live : The preceding is ( c ) 2001 MSN Live Thanks to our guest, hosts and to everyone that came to today's chat! Please remember that due to the number of questions received, it was not possible for our guest to answer each one individually. Thanks for coming to MSNLive! DishDiva : Again, you can check out George Harrison's website at http://www.allthingsmustpass.com DishDiva : You can also pick up the re-release, including, "My Sweet Lord" online at http://eshop.msn.com DishDiva : The transcript of tonight's very special event will be available later at http://chat.msn.com/msnlive

[z-lee123]

This makes me nauseous!!!

| George Harrison Yahoo live chats, 2001 |

[letoasai]

No one remembers Anime Spiral

What do kids even do on the internet? I'm genuinely asking. Everything revolves around social media and that's fine but what do they do. Are their cool things they can do anymore?

There used to be websites and you would just wander the internet on the family computer. Newgrounds. Gaia Online. Neopets. Yahoo Games. Quizzila. Live Journal... I'm not saying they were all great but they were something to do and... no i'll commit, they were great. I wasn't worried about posting pictures of myself when i was busy watching a flash animation of Dragonball Z that someone put painstaking hours into.

A lot of younger kids and teens don't know how to download something and save it to a particular folder on their computer because they've never used a computer. Meanwhile we were somehow... coding our Myspace pages to have a particular background. When did we acquire that knowledge?

In 2004/2005 i went looking for Inuyasha pictures, as one did, and i stumbled upon a site of people posting fanfiction? Sign me up... Anime Spiral was the wild west of chaos fanfic writers. People would make banners for their work that would sit in their summary sections. God help you, but those seizure inducing flashing colors were going to get your attention.

People would write anything, stories, poems, lyrics. People would post art and open commissions for people to ask for things in the comments, and the OP would just do it... There were frantic collaborations. Some were really good. Some were really bad.

There were chaotic originally stories with random anime characters thrown in for fun because who was going to tell them they couldn't? Some people just ranted to anime characters and i will always remember Ask Sesshomaru where you'd ask Sesshomaru a question in the comments and the next chapter he would answer every.single.question. The fact that it was probably a 16 year old girl writing that just didn't matter.

Some people just posted picture of anime characters. They did all the internet searches so you didn't have to! They were harder to find then.

The comment/response section to this day... was the best format i've seen on a fanfic site (imo). It was so easy. I miss it! I miss going to my word processing class and pulling up that site and chatting with people in the freaking comments of whatever...terrible story i'd posted at the time. I was probably so proud of it then but yikes...

The notification system was good and it was easy to talk to people without it feeling intrusive.

Maybe Anime Spiral was Tumblr before Tumblr.

I met two strangers on Anime Spiral a week apart. Internet dangers weren't as obvious then as they seem now. Those two strangers became two of my best friends. It's been nearly twenty years and they are still so prevalent in my life.

I met my best friend on that site. That seems so impossible to me now. We never would have met otherwise and i can't imagine my life without them. We were so upset when Anime Spiral went down. We missed the ugly green and mustard yellow template to this day.

It wasn't a great site, it had it's problems... It had a lot of problems but at the same time, it was a great site. It's hard to find people who even remember Anime Spiral anymore. Going to FF .net or Fiction Press afterwards felt like... a downgrade somehow. The systems overly complicated and it lacked...something.

I do enjoy the hell out of AO3, it actually checks all the boxes for a great writing site, but i'll always remember the chaotic nostalgia of Anime Spiral.

What do kids do on the internet now? Is it safe? Is it just selfies, gossip, and bullying? Do you have a little dragon you can take care of? Neopets could take up a lot of their attention. I don't think 2024 Neopets is the same as 2005 Neopets and that's a shame.

I have no idea. I feel old.

[hyperlatte]

Guys rate the fanfic it's super historically accurate also sorry if there's mistakes and it sucks and all I did not take this seriously and I think it's quite obvious once you read it

"Your Majesty, the 13 colonies have sent you a total of 13,874936,234,765 death threats in email form, what will you do? every 12 seconds you just keep getting thousands of more emails." The king's assistant said, clearly worried. "Tell them that I'll ban Gmail there if they don't stop, and that'll force them to use Yahoo or Outlook email to communicate with each other." King George said, almost cruelly. "Oh god..." The assistant couldn't believe it. No one uses Yahoo and Outlook? They just freaking suck. "And oh, tell that George Washington that I'll beat him in a twitter argument soon enough... I'll send my best generals to come up with cool, better, more well-written arguments, and those..." he spat, "Continentals... Will be no match for the king's loyal twitter army."

Meanwhile in America..

George Washington sat on his cozy chair, he stretched, he then got a notification on his computer, from the King himself, an email, it said:

"Hello there, thanks to the STUPID people in the 13 Colonies, we are now banning Google Mail =_=. We are now forcing you to use Yahoo Email and Outlook (☉｡☉)! Good luck, suckers. Well, the german dudes will actually monitor Google Mail, they're REALLY good at that I've heard, and there's thousands of them! Can't wait to see your little death threats crushed by my AWESOME new mods. Hessians, arise! Protect me! Anyway, Toodle-Loo! :3 George LUVS u guys!! ╰(⸝⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝⸝)╯

From your dearest, King George III. (◍•ᴗ•◍)"

Washington's relaxed smile quickly turned into a frown. "What does he think he's doing?" He quickly stood up bursting into the living room, "Hamilton! Get off Fortnite, we've got a twitter fight to win..." Hamilton turned around quickly "Oh heck nah, what happened now? I'm about to win a victory royale!" Alexander sighed, and then groaned. "Sorry, chat, I gotta go into another Twitter argument, Washington's calling me." Alexander took off his headphones and stood. Washington sighed and put his hands on Alexander's shoulders. "Alexander... King George is making HESSIANS moderate Gmail, he's taking the colonies death threats down!" Alexander's eyes widened hearing this, "No way? Say on god. There is NO WAY." Alexander was almost shaking when he heard this. "Get the other boys.... This Christmas.... We'll use our strongest argument yet...." Alexander nodded, and ran out.

The whole continental army was there, ready, outside in the cold. They were going to spam just one image. King George in a FREAKING diaper, they knew this utterly disgusted Hessians. Grown men in diapers, it made them throw up, and especially during Christmas time, when they were drunk, celebrating. They'd for sure throw up, maybe even get sick, super sick, maybe it'll reach the other end, filling up those stinky public bathrooms, making the lines for them extraordinarily big. This would distract them for sure! Washington smirked, and turned to face the army. "Once you get my tweet notification, just spam the image in the King's latest tweet, this'll hit his army hard for sure.

The king opened twitter, good golly! 99+ notifications? This new tweet sure was a banger. He clicked on the notifications bar, his big smile soon became a horrified, shocked, disgusted face. "HOW'D THEY GET THAT IMAGE!!??" George let go and his phone to the ground, he dropped to his knees. "Nande... NANDE???!!" He curled up into a ball. A couple seconds later he stood up. "Well, that was crazy." He hopped out of the bathroom. "Heh, time to meet my waifu in vr chat..." He put on his VR glasses.

Meanwhile in America...

A hessian soldier, let's call him Bob, opened up the King's tweet. "Awesome." He said, scrolling down, not knowing what he was about to see. King George in DIAPERR!!!1 Bob dropped his phone. "WHAT THE HECK!" He held his mouth, he felt sick seeing this. Slowly the same thing happened to other hessian soldiers, they all ran to the public bathrooms, or anywhere they could throw up in.

In the distance George Washington was hysterically laughing, he then sent a signal to the 13 colonies on twitter to keep sending those AWESOME COOL death threats to the King. "We did it.... More people will want to join our awesome cool Twitter fights!" Washington turned around to face the army again. "We looksmaxx.... TOGETHER!" He held his fist up. All the soldiers started to chant "We are mew gods! we are sigmas!" they all started to freaking hit the griddy, they then naruto ran down the hill, beating the hessian soldiers up, Bob included. "HESSIANS BITING THE CURB 4K REAL FOOTAGE" Hamilton yelled out, making Bob bite the curb. Hell broke loose, the continental soldiers were forcing the hessians to mew, this was painful for them, for they were all reddit, discord, amino, twitter and gmail mods and their biggest weakness was mogging. All of the sudden a cool shiny red car, covered in anime girl stickers and images rode towards a big crowd of sick hessian soldiers, hitting them, shooting them up to the sky. The car door opened, and Benjamin Franklin himself walked out. "Hallo everynyan!" He waved, he then got inside the car again. The car now started to run over all the hessian soldiers, and if Ben Franklin was lucky enough, he snatched some of hessians inside, forcing them to watch 12 hours of anime cat girls dancing. How horrible I must say! Pray for Bob and his friends.

Meanwhile in Thomas Jefferson's house...

Jefferson was browsing the internet and he came across a disturbing image... It was a drawing of him... In a thing called a miku binder. How terrifying this was for Jefferson to see "What the gyatt..." He whispered, he always wondered why people commented under his posts “where is his miku binder?" He could've searched it up earlier but he was too lazy, at least he knew what it was. "Bisexual?... Me?..." He said, as continued to read what was written on the image. He felt weirded out, is this what some colonists thought of him? Or is this what they wanted to see him as? Maybe.... He could make himself as this drawing depicted him... Or maybe even something BETTER. Jefferson was starting to feel so full of ideas on what he wanted to do now, forward on. He went ONLINE SHOPPING. Sick, right?

[maskedcop10]

This is a real story and not a so-called fantasy story It was for many years, and I chatted on and off with a guy called JoeHardhead that was in the time of Yahoo chat. We chatted often and we both had a endless fantasy. He told me he was a professional diver and a total gear head as well, beside diving gear he was very much into tight fitted US football gear, and uniforms. I had no idea where Joe was living, I knew he from the US that was all. When he told me one day they was flying via my city to the Middle East to work for an oil company as diver he asked if you could me. He had a lay over of 3 days. He wanted to do some diving, and said he had some gear with him as well. He told me when he arrived and I arranged to pick him up from the airport and would bring him to his hotel. I had some pics of him but you never know what he looks like in real live. Early in the morning I was on the airport and waited till he walked out of the baggage claims. Well there he was, exactly as on the pics, with lots of baggage and trunks, Same guy and very friendly. I dropped him at his hotel and would pic him up the next day. He wanted to dive with me and some more. So picked him up around 1600 hours, and there he was, he selected some gear, he wanted to use he re-breathing system, and as I had 2 sets of double tanks, he could use that as well. Joe was a real gear head, already under his street cloths some rubber gear, cock sheath, inflatable plug. Diving was great we played under water for hours, well as long as our air would last. He liked to be tied down under water by chains and then slowly turn down his air, we both cam under water several times. During the time we were diving several time, and he left for the Middle East. We kept in contact, but as things move on we lost contact. About a year ago I had contact again with him via a social media platform. Still the same guy still very friendly. Now living in Malaysia. Well the change we ever see each other is nil. but the memories are great

[2c75ff]

GET TO KNOW YOUR ADMIN !!

NAME -- 'Miller' will do.

PRONOUNS -- he/him preferable; they/them acceptable.

PREFERRED COMMS -- Tumblr IMs to start, but I tend to prefer moving to Discord once it becomes apparent that we vibe nicely.

NAME OF MUSE -- Seventeen. (I may or may not have a short but running list of names that would feel fitting on him if indeed he ever arrives at a point of being willing to allow someone else to give him one, but that's a whole other thing for a whole other time.)

EXPERIENCE IN RP -- All the way back to the days of LJ, forums, and Yahoo Groups.

BEST EXPERIENCES -- I met somebody on here a handful of years ago who was a long-time fan of the character I was playing. At first they just sent questions to the inbox and tagged me in their art sometimes -- (which was supremely touching) -- but eventually they worked up the confidence in their English to try out an OC blog of their own, and we started doing IC interactions in addition to chatting OOC. It was nice to know that someone felt inspired enough by my silly little blog to go out of their way to befriend me specifically, and to know that they felt comfortable practicing things like art and English with me.

And that's the story of how I ultimately ended up drunk as hell at their wedding in Germany.

PET PEEVES / DEALBREAKERS -- Excessive passivity both IC and OOC. / Excessively lengthy RP replies in which very little of substance actually happens or is communicated. / People treating ships as mere smut/fluff wish fulfillment machines rather than as ongoing plots, or cooling off toward me the instant they realize that shipping with me is going to take actual time and work. / Constant mental health crises being essentially liveblogged OOC on a person's RP account.

MUSE PREFERENCE ( FLUFF, ANGST, SMUT ) -- Variety is good for you, and it's also good for your character. I'm up for just about any flavor as long as it's revealing or playing around with something interesting about our character(s), the dynamic between them, the setting, etc.

PLOT OR MEMES -- I like both. I do think, however, that it's incredibly useful to at least discuss a general, ballpark dynamic and get a vague feel for the overall, initial direction we both want. It's fine and natural if what we want flexes or changes with time, but I think even just a little bit of communication right up front eliminates a ton of guesswork. It also makes it easier to pick memes that could be interesting or useful in terms of advancing the goals/ideas we've already talked over with each other.

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES -- I tend to write somewhere in the ballpark of 2 to 3 developed paragraphs per reply, but overall I ascribe to the principle of worrying less about the word count itself and more about simply taking whatever space is needed in order to get the point across.

BEST TIME TO WRITE -- If I knew that, I would be unstoppable.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE? -- In terms of a passing flavor, perhaps; sure. I've run from the popo, I've had a concealed carry license, the underside of my car's bumper is held together with Gorilla Glue and my own shoelaces, I did Driverless Car Shit for a living for like five and a half years, and I live almost exclusively in men's flannels and Levi's. Anything 'deeper' than that is for y'all to judge as we get to know each other.

tagged by -- no. tagging -- also no. steal it. do whatever.

[misteria247]

Some more random silliness from the Muppets concept (Welcome Home) au yahoo-

After the vase incident Barnaby doesn't let you live it down. You're constantly bombarded with little jokes about your strength and smashing the poor vase into pieces. It embarrasses you each time because it really was an accident. Other than teasing you with the violent yet embarrassing first meeting, Barnaby also tells you jokes and puns, often times earning a laugh or a groan from you. But all in all you enjoy being around him.

You figure out quickly that Julie is a ray of sunshine, but she's also extremely chaotic. There was one time when you'd come home from work only to find her sitting on top of your fridge. Just cuz she'd come up with a new game involving climbing said fridge. Took you awhile to get her down but you had fun doing it. Even if you had to replace a few things that had gotten broken in her more erratic moments. (You made sure to keep bowling balls hidden from her afterwards).

Eddie likes to go get your mail and just sit down and chat with you. Since he can't exactly be a mailman anymore he's taken to telling you about all of his deliveries he's done in the past. You always find them incredibly interesting and are always asking him questions much to his delight. You'd even began to give him your letters you're planning to send out so he can take them to your mailbox. Often times joining him on the walk to just enjoy the morning air with him.

Sally has officially overtaken your spare room as the new theater room. She'll often be found in there practicing for her shows or writing a new play. She'll drag you into some of these sessions, asking for your thoughts and even including you in some of her plays. You always have a blast. And the costumes she gets her hands on are always a delight to try on and parade in them.

You and Frank surprisingly take a bit of time to get used to one another. Mainly because Frank is still lingering in the aftermath of their last home and what had become of their last caretaker. He's a bit distant with you however eventually he comes around like the others and talks to you about his bugs. Especially his love for butterflies to which you enjoy immensely. Seeing Frank light up about them makes you incredibly happy, knowing that he's warming up to you now.

You come to learn that Poppy is a bit of a worrier and it doesn't take long for her to start mother henning you as well as her beloved friends. She'll make delicious food and treats, help keep the house tidy and clean and has even made you a few hats, scarves and sweaters. You wear them all with pride and in return you try to help her out wherever you can. From chores to helping cooking dinner it becomes a special bonding time between the two of you.

Howdy keeps trying to persuade you into starting an online shop once he'd learned about the internet. It's an ongoing discussion between the two of you, mainly cuz you have no idea what he'd even sell. But eventually you do give him the reigns to get an online shop going and he becomes successful in no time at all. You learn not to question his unique abilities in selling things. Howdy just seems to have the magic touch and charming charisma that many salesmen wish they had. You also purchased a few things from Howdy's little shop much to his giddy glee.

After finding a few doodles here and there in your home, you'd come to realize that they were made by Wally. The smallest puppet was an artist and always seemed to be fiddling with pens or pencils he found around the house and draws on any scraps of paper he could get his hands on. He doesn't ask you for it, but you get him his own little art kit, with paints included. Let's just say he clung to your leg in happiness for a good half hour before gifting you a painting he'd made sometime later. It currently hangs on your wall.

[kakawpie]

Our 100 !CRASHes Celebration 24 Hour Stream is happening on September 11th at 6pm - September 12 at 6pm! Yahoo! Get ready for lots of games, punishments, and memories! I will try my best to stay awake for the full 24 hours too LOL, so be sure to pop in! 💗

context: my stream will usually crash a lot which is why we have a command of !crash when it happens, and we reached a 100! so we will most likely have crashes during this 24 hr period of being live so there’s punishments!

5 crashes: chat makes a tweet

10 crashes: change twitch & discord pfp for a month

15 crashes: chat chooses a new emote to make

20 crashes: play a game of chat’s choice

25 crashes: art giveaway (TBA)

50 crashes: do something embarrassing at twitch con

oh- surprise! im going to twitch con this year on september 21st! cya there? 👋🩷

but yep, more deets on my discord! but yep, we will play a bunch of games like jackbox, lethal, or among us?!? and ill also have solo gaming moments like maybe we will try out signalis, ddlc, and more!

[smokymtnman]

They went swinging

As promised, here is my story of how the wife and I started swinging. In my previous stories (here and here) I wrote of our lack of sexual spark after 15 or so years of marriage. Life, kids, and everything just gets first priority as you grow older and more mature. Especially so for the women I believe. When this started happening, I escaped to internet chat rooms for female companionship, eventually meeting a few of these women for sex. All this time, I knew what I was doing was wrong but it seemed the only outlet for my still strong sexual drive.

Eventually these extra marital escapades were discovered by the wife and we almost divorced but somehow managed to stay together and actually resumed a fairly active sex life. She knew that I (like many men), had a fantasy of seeing her have sex with another woman and also knew I had an interest in swinging. Finally after a fairly torid sexual session she agreed to try swinging, with one stipulation. She also wanted to see me with another man. Hell, I had played around with a friend in my early years and did not find it disgusting, so I was game.

This led me/us back to my old hangout of Yahoo chat to try and find a suitable couple to begin our swinging experience with. Eventually we found the perfect couple. The only issue was they lived in Pennsylvania, and we of course were in Tennessee. Eventually the draw was too much and we agreed to meet them halfway (somewhere in NC if I recall correctly). The wife and I were both around forty at this time and the other couple consisted of a 35yo wife and a 50yo husband but our personalities clicked and off we went to North Carolina.

In North Carolina we rented adjoining rooms due to the fact they had a kid of around maybe ten years old who they had to bring with them. We first met for dinner for all to get more acquainted before returning to our rooms where the plan was for them to wait till the kid fell asleep before slipping into our room. Once he was sound asleep, they entered our room in their pajamas, she had on something kind of sexy if I recall.

The room had double beds, the men sat on one bed and the women on the other. Of course, no one knew how to start this night until finally the other man finally said "lets just start" as he leaned over to take out my cock and begin sucking. The women soon began kissing and exploring each other's bodies and from there the game was on! We spend the next six to eight hours (literally all night) hopping from bed to bed and partner to partner. Sometimes paired off in twos, sometimes threes, and some with all four intertwined in one position or another. The night was truly awesome and everything I had dreamed.

The next day, we went out to lunch after obviously sleeping through breakfast. The girls excused themselves to go to the restroom (why can't women go to the restroom alone?). They were gone for what seemed like 30 minutes and I wondered what was going on. Later I found out they were in there making out and other unmentionable things to each other. They obviously enjoyed this little escapade as much as I did.

We would end up meeting them several more times in NC with each time as good as the last. Unfortunately, it ended when my wife's health declined.

[undeadorion]

This is the first time I've gotten deep into a fandom thing and not had the urge to RP about it. I mean I'd RP Terzo in a heartbeat if given the chance, but the urge to seek an outlet for that hasn't happened. Which is just wild to me.

Where most people found their outlet in fanfiction, mine was always RP. I've been doing online RP since back when not only Yahoo chat existed, but you could make custom rooms. I was doing pseudo RP in random chat rooms before there were proper RP chatrooms on Yahoo. I also trolled the shit out of Christian chatrooms before trolling as a term even existed.

But the fact that I haven't even sought it out and just started making things tells me I've grown and improved so damn much.

I lived on Livejournal then Dreamwidth until just a few years ago, with a few years break to live in the Tumblr RP scene. Both of them suffered the same fate in the end, devolving into the appearance of RP with no actual substance. On tumblr it was about the aesthetics of what you posted, absurd amounts of text formatting and flourishes, while saying very little. On DW people talked (and complained) about RP a lot but you were lucky to get a reply once a week that was 2 sentences long.

LJ/DW was my home for a decade. So I held on to it for as long as I could. It's where I made some genuinely lifelong friends that I still talk to on a regular basis. It's where I developed my writing skills and built my OCs. But holy shit were they toxic. All anonymous, of course. Someone once ranted about hating to RP with me because they hated my writing was so casual and I sometimes used sentence fragments. It's not an fucking MLA formatted essay contest, gdi.

But the biggest issue over there was that it was impossible to get any serious action, the sort you could sink your teeth into, without joining a community (we called them games). But then you were stuck with a limited collection of people you had to play nice with. And if they decided they didn't like you, you were screwed. The final straw that made me finally leave was double layered. The first layer was that with one character I was getting too much attention. Or rather the character was. I was playing as Thor and everyone wanted a piece of him, but just their personal headcanon of him, often replying to me as if I was playing that version with no regard to anything that was different due to his time in that world and away from canon. And they most certainly didn't give two shits about me as a player. So I said fine. Here's my OC Crawford. If you play with him THEN you get to play with Thor. Thor is your reward. Mostly to prove how little they actually cared. They then took to the anonymous communities to rip me to shreds for it. Accusing me of shit like "soul bonding" and that he was a terrible character cause he said "fuck" too much. There was a third layer that was the final blow involving a really shitty friend's reaction to me being upset by it, but that's a story for another time.

I was completely and utterly devastated. I sat at my computer sobbing for like 3 days in a row. It wasn't even necessarily that they hated my character, I knew he was an acquired taste. It was that I couldn't trust anyone anymore. Not just in the game, but that I RPed with at all. Because different anonymous people kept weighing in. Some I could guess who they were but the rest I couldn't be sure. Was it people I trusted? Was it people I'd thought were my friends? I'd put so much time and energy of my life into RPing, what else was I going to do? It was my one outlet. The place I felt most comfortable. I'd been doing it for 20 years.

That was also the last time I was deeply involved in any fandom. And likely part of why I couldn't really dig my fingers into anything since then. Because I didn't know what to do. Because that instinct for wanting to RP as a character was still there. It was still where my brain went, thinking up how I'd approach it, what situations I'd want to throw them into. And part of that was just connecting with other people. It was a moment of immediate feedback. If they responded to me they didn't hate me. If they interacted with me I mattered. They were interested in what I had to say. It was quick and constant validation.

And I've realized...I don't need that anymore. Even if it was just me and my mutuals who also like the fandom in our little corner, sharing the same posts around and yammering headcanons at each other, that would be more than enough for me. A chunk of the fandom actively hates me and I keep finding I'm blocked by more people. If that happened 5 years ago, I would have been absolutely destroyed. Now I'm legitimately laughing about it. Then I go back to making my art. Art I'd be making even if I got zero notes, because I'm making it for me.

Back in 2018 when that shit happened, I'd lost a lot of ground on improving my mental health. It felt like I was trying to climb out of a mud pit with sheer walls and every time I made some progress I'd slide back down into the muck. I didn't know until later that it was a losing battle anyway, because I desperately needed meds to fix my head. But the meds were like someone dropping a ladder. I still had to climb it, I still had to pull myself up. I've made so much progress since then I can't even see that pit anymore. When I was down there, RP was that one source of warmth I could find. A way to escape if just for a moment. And I've only now become aware of not needing that anymore.

It's a serious relief. And I'm still so grateful for all of the wonderful people leaving comments on my stuff. Even when I don't respond, it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside when I see them.