#yeah this probably should've stayed a draft

[pix-writes]

Silco ramble under cut, childhood trauma mention

Don't get me wrong I love Silco as a character and as an antagonist I don't mean to reduce him down to my own projections of so called 'daddy issues' but I'll forever be miffed (an understatement) that he's a better (more loving) father than my own, idk even why it particularly bothers me when it comes to Silco and not other fictional characters but somehow it does, idk maybe just because 'nasty to everyone else but you' and 'would let the whole rest of the world burn for you if I had to' type characters are just so compelling...

Idk I know it's likely due to me and my past that I'm so bothered when people think silco is some master manipulator of jinx and like I'm not saying he isn't a bad person in the series but as someone who has dealt with an emotionally manipulative neglectful father l I just see how many times we're shown -when jinx is not aware _ of how much he cares for her and os worried about her and he lets her off the hook so often that I don't really see what they're saying? Idk if I ever will...

Do I think he realised the extent of his love for her a little bit too late? Do I think he realised too late that he had not looked after her the best way? YES - however, he unconditionally loved that girl to his dying breath! And I will forever sob about it 😭

Are those hands soaked in unfathomable quantities of blood? Yes but gods do I wish those were the kinds of hands that could've cradled me instead...

(Sorry I just had to post this somewhere cause it's not something I can talk about with my therapist)

[deuteragonists-mismatched-socks]

Numb and Alright - Shane (Stardew Valley)

This is a mostly complete fic idea that I had after a little while of playing Stardew Valley that has been sitting in my drafts for a while. I suppose the best way to describe it would be a prequel.

Warnings: references to violence, references to death, funeral, references to sensory overload, references to alcoholism, alcohol

Word Count: 2.4k

Yoba, he had told them. He knew this place was no good for a kid, for a family. Sure, it was where they had grown up, but it didn't mean they should've stayed there. Not with her.

Jas hadn't stopped crying. He couldn't blame her—neither had he. Of all the people... of all the people walking down that street. They didn't have money, they didn't even have their own car... they didn't deserve... they didn't deserve living there in the first place, but for—

He slapped the steering wheel, swearing under his breath, and he saw Jas jump out of the corner of his eye. "Sorry, sorry, sorry, pumpkin, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." He rested a shaking hand on her shoulder. "You okay?" She shook her head silently. "Yeah, me neither.

"Should we, uh, head home?"

Jas didn't say anything. "Yeah, okay."

They entered the darkened apartment, and Shane sighed. "I just realized, I don't... I don't have another room, or, or a bed."

"I could sleep on the couch?" Jas squeaked out her first words in the last six hours. 

"No, you're not sleeping on the couch," Shane said, offended. "You can—you alright if we share my bed? It's a queen, it's-it-it's probably best if you're not alone, right?"

Jas thought for a moment before nodding.

"Okay."

It was already 5 AM, and Shane didn't sleep, at all. He stayed put until the light streaming in through the window he had forgotten to draw the curtains over was undeniable. At some point through the night, Jas had rolled herself under his left arm, and he did his best to let her stay there. He waited until she rubbed an arm across her eyes to say anything.

"Hey, kiddo," he said, his voice gravelly. "How are you doing?"

She didn't answer for a moment, her eyes travelling back and forth across the ceiling. "Mom and Dad aren't... aren't coming to get me, are they?"

Shane breathed out through his nose, rubbing his forehead. "No, pumpkin, they're not. I'm so sorry." His left hand brushed her arm soothingly.

"Where did they go?" Jas asked. 

Shane sighed again. He knew that Jas was a smart kid—she wasn't asking where they were physically. She knew.

"I don't know, honey," he told her honestly. Yoba never really told anyone about an afterlife. Shane didn't really believe in him anymore, anyway. Not when they were so loyal.

"I hope they're safe," Jas said quietly, and Shane's heart broke. 

"They are, nothing can ever hurt them. They're just sleeping, huh?" He pulled her closer into his side, and she buried her face in his chest.

With every step, his stomach sunk further. He had to retch, he had to run, something. 

This apartment is why they're dead, his mind whispered. What would you have done if Jas was with them?

Joined them, probably.

He could hardly bear to look at the exterior of the building as he approached, willing the keys not to slip from his clammy hands.

Why couldn't you go pro? Why couldn't you stay? That money would've bought them a nice place on the other side of town, a car, a good school, a life.

Shane clamped his eyes shut for a moment before unlocking the door.

The stairs had never seemed so short—he was at their door before he even had a chance to prepare for it.

Why can't you do anything right?

"I've gotta get out of here," he muttered to himself, running his hands through his hair frantically. This was no place for a kid and a lost godfather. Especially when he could never walk down that street again. Especially when he couldn't even clean out their apartment. Yoba, what was he supposed to do with their things?

The funeral went as well as a funeral could. Shane forced himself to stay because Jas was sitting next to him, gripping his hand for dear life. Maybe he should have asked if she wanted to leave.

He wondered if everyone thought he was an ass for refusing to speak. It didn't matter.

The hardest part wasn't even seeing their ashes buried in her little family plot, next to her grandparents. It wasn't seeing his mom collapse to her knees in the wet grass. 

It was the get-together afterwards.

Shane's hair felt like it was taped to his head and he swore he could feel the stubble struggling out of his skin even though he had taken every pain to shave that morning. The band-aid next to his ear wasn't too noticeable. He didn't think it turned red, not after he just let it bleed into the sink for so long. His tie coiled around his neck like a python, crushing his windpipe.

And he had to shake hands and smile grimly while everyone offered their sympathies. He couldn't have an episode like earlier when one of her friends had tried reminiscing with him and he had all but run away from her.

The fluorescent lights of the community center burned his eyes and rang in his ears as a short, older woman appeared in front of him.

"I am so sorry for your loss," The woman said, brown eyes dark and sincere in her round face.

Shane spent an uncomfortable few seconds scrutinizing her features before speaking. "I am so sorry, but... who are you?"

She tilted her head forward, smiling faintly. Her auburn braid dropped over her shoulder. "I'm your Aunt Marnie!"

"Right, of course," Shane answered, holding out his arms for a hug despite his extreme need to not be touched. "It's just been so long since I've seen you."

"Your eighth-grade gridball finals, actually," Marnie agreed.

Someone had been so thoughtful as to bring a case of Yuengling as their contribution to the potluck-style affair. Shane gazed at it for a long moment, wondering what would happen if he took one. Just forget about Dad. You're not him.

He grabbed one from the cooler, wiping the condensation off with the lining of his suit jacket.

You can't, some inner voice pleaded. You have to get out, you have to get away, you can't slip away like this.

He returned to his seat at the only table that wasn't full. At least some people knew when to leave well enough alone.

His fingernail caught the underside of the pull tab. He didn't pull it. He couldn't.

"You alright, kiddo?" A woman asked, pulling out the chair in front of him. The word kiddo made Shane's ear twitch. Marnie.

"That's the first time someone's asked me that," he said honestly, eyes fixed on the plastic tablecloth.

"I think they're maybe afraid of the answer," his aunt supplied helpfully, and Shane huffed through his nose. 

"Probably. You're not?"

"No," she shrugged, and Shane glanced up to see her eyes were still as warm as earlier—and completely honest. "What's on your mind?"

I miss them. I want to be with them, or them to be with me, I just don't want to be alone. If I could, I would've gone in their place. They'd be more okay than I am. But I think that makes me selfish, that I wouldn't only be doing it for them. I have no clue on earth or in hell how to care for this little kid but I want to do right by her and I don't know who to ask for help. I haven't been into work for the past three weeks and I'm probably going to get fired as soon as I step foot in the store again. And then where will I be? How am I going to pay for her clothes? Her school? Her toys and friends and outings?

"I just don't know where to go," Shane said instead. "I'm not exactly rich, especially now that I'm paying for two people, and I don't want to uproot Jas, but... I don't think either of us can stay here anymore. With the war, there's just nowhere to go." He fidgeted with the unopened can in his hand.

Marnie observed him, kneading her hands. "Well, you could come live with me. I live in Pelican Town, Stardew Valley. It's a nice little place, lots of little rivers and forests, right by the ocean. And Jas would probably love the ranch, maybe even helping out with the animals."

Shane's head shot up in disbelief. There were a million questions, but only one mattered at the moment. "Are you sure? Don't you... I mean, aren't there, um, other people in the house? Would they be okay with that?" Shane asked nervously.

"I always got along better with animals than people," Marnie chuckled shyly. "Cows and pigs don't mind so much if you're quiet."

Shane forced his best polite smile. God, even if her comment did amuse him, it was so hard to make his face comply.

"We're suffering from the recession, same as anyone, but we're still alive," she added, a bit more somberly. "It's a good place to get away to."

He nodded. "Thank you, Marnie. You have... you have no idea how much this means to me. To both of us. I'm going to see what Jas thinks on the way home. I'll call—oh. Can I have your phone number?"

Shane had many more professions of thanks in the short time before he and Jas slipped away to their—that word still felt strange, his house belonging to two people—apartment, before the sun could set.

The can of Yuengling stayed abandoned on the table.

Shane had suggested getting a cot or an air mattress, so that Jas could use his bed until they figured out if they were going to stay or move somewhere else. Jas had informed him quite certainly that that was unnecessary. So, the left side was Jas'. There was a painted seashell her mom had bought her from one of those artsy corner stores on the bedside table, full of beaded elastic bracelets her dad helped her make. She never wore them, but she often played with them absently before going to sleep. The shh-shh-click-click-click had become familiar, and almost helped Shane to fall asleep every night. Almost.

"What would you think of moving out of the city?" He asked her as he tucked her in, before moving to his side of the bed. "Out to the country, on a farm?"

Jas pretended for a little to not hear him, the bracelets click-clicking in the silence. "Would I have to go to a different school?"

"Yeah," Shane told her honestly. "And we'd have to pack up a lot of stuff," he sighed regretfully, reflecting on how difficult it was just to move her clothes from their apartment into his. "But I think it'd be nice, what about you?"

Jas took her time to respond. "What kind of animals would there be?"

"Well, it's my aunt Marnie's ranch, and she told me that she has chickens, and goats, and cows, even shaggy cows," Shane explained, and he almost smiled to himself. His speech patterns had started adjusting to speaking to a little kid, he guessed. "Does that sound like fun?"

"I like animals," she said quietly. "Do you?"

Shane smiled softly. "I don't know, I've never really been around them. Chickens sound pretty cool, though. Did you know they're descendants of dinosaurs?"

They talked about T-Rex and triceratops until Jas fell asleep.

There were no jobs in Pelican Town. Not that suited him, anyway. It was stupid, selfish, that in this terrible array, he still wanted to find something that wasn't a supermarket. With so much of his soul already crushed, he didn't want to just give the rest of it away to that faceless entity anymore.

But the farm was still under possession, or so he was told, working at Marnie's wasn't enough to pay the rent and buy food, not when business was so slow, Pierre couldn't afford help, Maru was already working the desk at Harvey's, Gus had Emily, Gunther never left the library, Robin and Demetrius were too smart to need help, George was too stubborn to accept any, and he didn't know a single damn thing about blacksmithing or fishing. So... JojaMart it was.

"Are we still gonna share?" Jas asked.

"I dunno, kiddo," Shane told her. "I think it would be nice if you had your own bed, don't you?"

Jas thought for a moment. "But what if... what if I have nightmares?"

"I'll be in the same house, kid," he comforted her, petting the top of her head. "You can just come get me, any hour of the night."

"How was your first day?" Marnie asked, her voice everbright. 

"Great," Shane said flatly, regretting the word as it left his mouth. The least this woman deserved for her kindness was respect, not sarcasm. He took his time hanging his jacket and hat on the hook by the door. "Not great," he said, more sincerely. "But it'll be better once I start getting paid, I guess."

"Why don't we go to the saloon? Get something fatty and filling and warm?" Marnie suggested, wringing her hands nervously. Shane understood why. Poor Marnie; he hadn't seen her in twenty years and this was how they reunited. "Penny will keep an eye on Jas until about nine."

"Sure."

"How about two of the daily specials? Shane, do you like spicy food?"

Shane cracked his first small grin of the day. "Yeah, love it, actually."

"Well then, two daily specials," Marnie said with a matching smile. And a lager, please."

Shane hesitated. He had seen what beer and whiskey did to people back home. Took them away from their families, wasted their money, killed them and killed others. 

But that was back home. Everything had been turned on its head already. Maybe in sleepy little Pelican Town, everything would be alright. He couldn't hit anyone if he didn't have a car. He couldn't... he wouldn't get out of line because he had Jas to look after, and Marnie to look after him.

And, oh, did he need to be numb, did he need to feel warm and alright.

"Make that two," he said, willing himself not to stumble all over the words.

"I'll get right on it," Gus said genially.

The cool liquid coated his veins in warmth, and for the first time in six weeks, Shane felt almost okay.

Almost.

[mdhwrites]

Honestly It's quite disrespectful and insulting, how Dana cared more about her beef with Disney than making a good show for the fans who supported her, some even financially. I've had it with her extreme fans raging to people when she's criticized for her obvious lack of care on S3 (the story in general), spamming and blaming on Disney and the shortening. Now that's revealed it wasn't Disney's fault for "ruining S3" since there was no S3 to begin with, that just puts more salt on the wound.

And lying about having plans for S3, what was that about? Stirring more hate on Disney? I find that pitiful and pathetic. If fans are gonna get mad at her from this revelation they have the right to do so. Toh should've stayed in the drafts or be written as a freelanche comic

Edit: I do think this person is too harsh on Dana as a person. I'm curious even what they mean by financial support from her fans (her charity livestreams? Unless she does those more often for personal gain but those people would likely donate anyways as just fans of the show) but as I go into below, I do agree that her unprofessionalism is a real problem and that with the fandom she somewhat helped rile up, it makes it frustrating to learn that a lot of this was on vapor. Not lies, but just... Not nearly as much solid foundation as we were led to believe. There is a lot to be said about how Dana, from my understanding, has been one of the most available leads on a show... Period? At bare minimum, for modern cartoons. Like others will talk but Dana was extremely candid. In fact, it feels like she probably learned some lessons from it because the blaming Disney stuff actually went DOWN as the show progressed. Like at least now it's "I wish I could have done more things," rather than, I dunno, just straight up trying to say they're why episodes you're not proud/ of aren't as well regarded didn't turn out.

Which she did.

With S1A.

Before SEASON TWO was out.

Like... You just shit talked literally half of the content that is out for your show and threw your publisher under the process. Why do I think that might not have been received well?

And when I was biggest in the fandom, around the time the news of the shortening happened, you heard a LOT of different explanations from Dana, like it was one executive who made the call or how TOH wasn't a 'part of Disney's brand' or the like. When the Florida stuff came out with Disney, she pretty explicitly called Disney out for it (which is fine and I approve) but then went on to insinuate that it was hard for her to believe that the show had been cancelled for any reason besides representation, a move I DON'T approve of and makes ZERO sense with how they got to do so much more gay shit in S2B and even add new elements like confirming Masha was they/them or confirming Luz being Bi on screen in Thanks to Them. It's not a great look for a director, especially during the times these statements were coming out.

Being unprofessional admittedly doesn't make her a bad person but like... Yeah, I get upset thinking about the contradictions here too. That even in the same post Hoot that she has to admit that the shortening pushed them creatively and they had no real plans, she's still talking like she had plans. Like there was something to be missed when... No. Not for the STORY. Just your bucket of ideas for a perpetual series.

It leans into the idea that saying you were going to do X means you would have done it perfectly. That Dana doesn't understand that the only perfect work is the one never done. She's fine with being remembered for what wasn't there if it means being remembered better. As a creator myself who struggles with putting things to the page... I don't know. It hurts to some extent.

Which just a small update: I've been having real trouble focusing the past couple days. My head is not on well right now. It's why these are being a bit more emotional and late night rather than my normal posts in the morning because that's just how I've felt like doing it. Hope you're all taking care of yourselves and see you next tale.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[thatlonelymushroom]

☆~First Meet~☆ !

Gn!Reader x Hitoshi Shinso - Fluff! (Slightly Cringey)

*Disclaimer* I do not own the image above (If it's yours and you would like credit just message me.)

Word Count : 558

A/N: Hey everybody! I'm really sorry If this comes across as rushed or cringey. This is my first shot at writing stuff- so it probably should've stayed in the drafts... but oh well! Hope you enjoy :)

You first met him when you were working at your family’s cafe, you were both sixteen. Even now you can remember the very first moment you saw him. It was mid afternoon, you were taking up extra shifts to help out your mom with the shop. You were in the middle of serving a customer when you spotted a brilliant mess of purple hair, immediately drawing your attention away. You watched as the boy, who looked around your age, drifted across the shop lazily, choosing to plop down in a white sofa chair. You saw him reach into his backpack and take out several sheets of paper and a notebook. You quickly finished up with the customer, “Alright, so that’ll be it?” The customer nodded in response. Satisfied, you headed behind the counter again, checking the time which read 3:59 pm. You thought to yourself, Well my shift ends in a minute- but I should still serve that one guy at table 3, it’d be rude not to… Right? It had been a slow day, there were only a couple customers in the store, that guy had just walked in, and your mom wasn’t going to be there for a couple minutes. So you might as well. You sighed and grabbed your notepad, heading over to the guy. “Hello, My name is Y/N and I’ll be your server today!” You said with your normal cheerfulness. Apparently the guy had been distracted, because when you spoke he looked up abruptly- seemingly startled.

“Oh- hi.” The purple haired boy replied, looking back down at his papers.

You stood there awkwardly for a moment, not sure what to do. Isn’t this the part where he tells me what he wants? “Uhhhm, so what would you like?” You asked while flipping your notebook open to a fresh page.

“Right. Could I have a Chai latte?” He said, looking straight into your eyes.

You felt yourself blush, you hadn’t noticed how handsome he looked. He had deep purple eyes, with a soft expression on his face, and slightly messy hair. He was wearing a school uniform, a gray blazer, and green pants. 

“Miss?” 

You quickly snapped out of it when the boy spoke, you realized you had been staring. Flustered, you spoke in a hurry, “Yesofcoursecomingrightup!” And ran off to the counter in a hurry. 

You couldn’t believe how much you just embarrassed yourself. Yeah that was a cute guy, but you didn’t have to make yourself look like such an idiot! You thought while preparing his drink. You quickly thought of a plan to apologize for yourself as you walked back over to him. As you set his drink down you said, “Hi, uh- I’m really sorry if I came off awkward before. It’s just I thought you were really cute, and- uhm, yeah so I got kinda flustered, but uh- so sorry about that- anyway have a nice day!” The boy looked at you with such a shocked expression, but before he could even open his mouth you rushed off to the break room. 

Later when you went back to give him to collect the money, you found that he was gone. No traces left except for the receipt, with the payment on top. As you grabbed the cash, you spotted something peculiar on the receipt- a phone number. 

[so-litudinal]

i miss it here, kinda

main two reasons i haven't been around are 1) my phone died a few weeks ago and 2) my only consistant thought these days(?) is that i wanna disappear, as in i don't wanna/can't live, and i feel bad about only posting depressing, suicidal stuff (which is ridiculous, since i created this blog over 10 years ago as an online personal diary — but i guess shame follows me anywhere i go). 

my phone had been messing up for a long while, i know i should've gotten a new one at least a year ago. but it had been holding on (barely) anyway so i kept putting it off, as i do everything you know. but then one night i stupidly dropped it in the stairs. it only fell down a couple of steps and i seemed to be able to turn it back on just fine (albeit slow). but the day after it kept turning off randomly, until i couldn't turn it on anymore at all. anyway. guy at the repair shop couldn't do anything. and since i'm the worst, i hadn't backed up anything. i thought i'd lost everything, but turned out at least pictures and videos were saved to my cloud. still, i lost all my notes + audio recordings. i don't care all that much about the audios except for one i took two years ago of junko purring in my bed a few days before she died [now that i write this…i have a vague feeling i might’ve posted the audio here at the time… but i’m kinda scared to go back and look, only to be let down again]. thought/hoped i'd saved it somewhere on a hard drive with all her pictures but couldn't find it. 

what i'm saddest about is losing my notes. repair shop guy said that if i’m lucky (big lol….) and if my phone was connected to a google account (??? idk, my mom told me cuz of course i didn’t go myself), i might be able to retrieve them once i got a new phone. i’m not sure if that was supposed to be about my notes being saved to a google drive or something, cuz that wasn’t the case anyway. so yeah. years and years of notes. i’m dumb, so dumb that i kinda deserved this happening to me (watch it not be a learning lesson, just like anything else). the notes i really cared about were the fanfiction drafts + artwork ideas. speaking of, sorta crazy that i’m ashamed to talk about writing fanfiction on this blog. i’ve always had this compulsory need to “split” my personality and interests across different online platforms—irl too. don’t really wanna dig into that here and now but yeah, it probably all stems from shame and deeply rooted self-contempt + fear of judgement from others, even though most of my online presence has consisted of my existing in and talking to the void. some of those notes dated all the way back to 2020. there were some that i wrote on my pc but the large majority stayed on my phone for easy access when i got random ideas in the middle of the night or in the shower. i really liked most of what i wrote, even the stuff i didn’t necessarily have the intention of finishing. took about a week to buy another phone but it’s been 2 weeks since that and i still haven’t used it. been using a tablet. i guess i get used to not having a phone cuz with the way i live, like a hermit, i don’t even have much need for a phone’s primary functionalities anyway. i don’t go out at this point and i pretty much never contact anyone anymore. but also, every time i think about those notes i’ve lost, i feel like “what’s the point?” what’s the point of a phone if i’m gonna be so dumb about it. also—and that’s even more pathetic—what’s the point of writing at all. i’ve had ideas and things i’ve wanted to write about in that time but even on the occasion that i do start (on pc), i systematically get to a point where i lose interest, or rather the motivation to continue and finish. i’m aware that this mindset is not only worryingly cynical and pessimistic but also sounds ridiculously dramatic, even to myself. but i think the reason why is because when anything even mildly inconveniencing or upsetting happens, that plays into my depression and lack of purpose/will to live, and vice versa. vicious circle and all that, you know. everything, including the positive actually, ultimately brings me back to the same point, the same conclusion—it’s not worth it, because all of it is wasted on me, whose my life isn’t worth much at all, and all of it goes away or ends up in the same dumpster of despair, nothing will last, whether i stay alive or disappear. not that i necessarily believe this way of thinking is reasonable, or even truthful—more that it doesn’t matter whether i believe in it or not, because it so strongly influences, if not dictates my perception of all things in life. so yeah, all of this over a dead phone and a bunch of lost writings, but also not really. worst thing is i haven’t even had the motivation to kick my butt and at the very least save the images and videos from my cloud onto a hard drive yet. i’m gonna regret this. …i say, as i sit back and once again consciously watch myself doing the thing that will only lead to more regret and self-hatred. heheh. queen of self-sabotage.

speaking of things that i seemingly can’t react to in an appropriate, normal human way… on the 31st of last month, the gacha i game i’ve been playing every day for the past 3.5 years was announced for eos by the end of september. i mean. there’s more than one valid reason to be upset over this, for just about any other fan. and the series it’s based on has been so, so important to me for the past 4 years (see how i intentionally don’t name it like "here is not the place for that”? yeah). but idk. the fact that i was so shell-shocked by the news and once again left with the feeling that nothing is worth getting attached to…. i know this kind of response is disproportionate. pathetic. not healthy. not normal. i’ve gotten a bit more used to the perspective since—at least for now, cuz i can very well envision going back into full woe is me mode as the date of eos gets near.

there are 2 other observations, or whatever i should call them, i can make from this reaction. 1) not being able to access something (probably even more so since it’s a form of escapism) that’s been part of my life, without missing a day since creating the account on december 31st, 2020, makes it glaringly obvious how empty and repetitive my days are and have been for an embarrassing amount of time now—the worst part being that i’ve found some sick, sick sense of comfort in it being and staying so (anything else is….terrifying and something i can’t allow myself to aim for).

2) i’ve had this vague feeling for a while but never really bothered to put it into words until recently but the more my interest about a certain thing grows, the more i’m susceptible to become unsatisfied, not with the thing itself, but with myself and the way i engage with it. very passively—like i effectively let it pass me by like i do anything else in life. i don’t usually want to admit it cuz it’s a bad character trait of mine, but i’ve kind of accepted that i find no real joy in sharing an interest with other people, engaging with them over this thing we presumably have in common. i’m the worst, so ugly for that, because it’s obviously an envy/jealousy thing. but also i tend to wanna cut myself some slack (self-indulgent?) regarding that specific thing cuz i’m pretty sure it also comes from my overall lack of social skills—which, at its root, is not my fault (severe bullying at a young, crucial age + prolonged and repeated child neglect). i know that it has now, in my adult age, become my responsibility to address and grow past those traumas and their consequences, especially assuming i still have hope for a life worth living (not taking the “do i?” factor in consideration here for the sake of this argument). my generation wasn’t exactly born with the internet but we did, at least partially, grow up with it, and it’s now such a(n unnecessarily?) huge part of our daily life, just like younger generations. i mean, talking about generations is probably pointless—what matters is that this was effectively my experience with the internet. so yeah, all that to say that i’ve had an “online presence” (not just as an occasional user of computers/the internet as mere practical, communication, sometimes educational, even more rarely entertainment tools) from my early teens, if not earlier, via blogs and now ancient forms of social media lol (msn, i’ll always have nostalgia for you—but please don’t come back). anyway. my point being… i’ve been using the internet as a hyper-social shared space for a long time, and there’s something that i’ve come to realise has been true, if not from the start, at least more and more over time, and that i’ve had, still have a hard time recognising and accepting: i can’t connect with people online any more than i can in real life. i think i wished myself to be one of those people who, however socially awkward in real life, or even downright social outcasts, managed to find a place online. i never truly could. it’s gotten worse over this past decade (the worst these past 4 to 6 years), as i progressively lost touch with the outside world and became more and more isolated. all these factors, dating long back or recent, are reflected in my ongoing online experience. with social media, “online communities” (niches, fandoms, circles, etc.) as a concept are so prevalent, and it’s hard cuz never in my life have i had the feeling that i could belong to one in real life. i grew to even regard the idea of a community as something i had no desire to partake in (i don’t know if i still feel that way but thinking so is self-preservation). i remember for example, the lgbt community is one i never quite felt i wanted to identify with, beyond my orientation being what it is, even in my adolescence, and sure, that might’ve had something to do with my own internal struggles with my identity, but in a way, it also circled back to my aversion to social groups (which is very much based in trauma and not just me being an introvert). that naturally, and unfortunately, extended into my experience with online communities of all sorts. that being said… i think that as long as i accept this as a fact about myself, even a little, it’s tolerable and not that big of a deal. if it changes over time (that would require my irl circumstances to change first and, well…), fine, i guess. but if it doesn’t… idk. It’s still a bit sad. cuz the internet is a big part of my life, one that supposedly brings me joy in various forms (the most prevalent being escapism—and i refuse to let that go, why would i hurt myself in that way).

all that to say that this gacha game closing is just one of the instances that have brought me to think more about how to engage with the things i like in a more fulfilling manner. since connecting with others is not a viable option at this point (or maybe ever), i think the only way would be to be more proactive. make or acquire something—something of my own—out of those interests. like putting more effort into writing. learning how to draw/make art. become normal and earn money to collect more merch (tie-ins) so i can be physically surrounded by things that make me happy. create the space i could never find outside, inside. i don’t care if it’s not fully enough to make up for everything i feel like i’m missing out on, because it would still be better than the loneliness and bitterness i’ve been stuck with for the longest time.

i don’t really have any definite conclusion i draw from those observations, much less a plan of action, but i just kind of went off and wrote about them anyway, i guess. there’s that.

so yeah… well, you know.

aah it’s gonna be such a chore to read over this before posting…..probably won’t (or else i might just give up on posting entirely)......nevermind, i'm doing it now lol.

rare good news is that paimon seems to be on the tail end of a very long and intense moult. last time it was that bad was when i got her and she immediately underwent the very first moult of her life. at the worst of it, last month, maybe even the month before, she was so down. so quiet and skittish. i never even had an opportunity to touch her. and as always, i was scared it might be something else, like an illness, or even a stressed-induced moult. i’ve been scared that my own irregular, unhealthy lifestyle might start to impact her. i know i don’t deserve her. at the same time, i was hesitant to take her to the vet. she can be a pretty fearful bird to begin with, so i feared that having to go through that kind of stress (the trip itself, being in an unknown place, handled by a stranger) would only make her worse. in the end, the risk of that didn’t seem worth taking cuz there was a good chance the vet would’ve just said that it was indeed just a moult and it would’ve been all that anxiety for nothing. during the time it got really bad and she was completely distant, i started to wonder if this was a glimpse into what it would be like without her here anymore. i’d already been thinking before that i would probably not want to go on after her death and this… well. it feels very real. but she’s better now. i cried when she sat on my shoulder for the first time again, and when we started playing and she tried biting my fingers or my ear. the absolute best was getting to sniff her (there is not one better smell in the world than that of a bird) + petting her until she falls asleep in my hand. I love her very much.

going back to the whole notes and writing thing… i don’t easily let myself admit to positive thoughts and feelings (fear and defeatism, i guess). still, i wanna put out there, somewhere—here being as good a place as any—that i really like writing. it’s fun (especially when it “works” lol). and it’s one of the rare things i genuinely like doing for myself, regardless of the purpose, the quality, the destination. not even talking about what comes afterwards…

it’s one of the “better,” as in tangible, ways to distract myself i can think of (goes back to what i was saying about engaging with interests in a more productive way).

at least when i’m in the middle of writing, i’m having fun.

now that i’ve started, i don’t even wanna finish this right now. i could write more, too. but then it’ll get late and i’ll be frustrated for different reasons. and if i “leave it and come back later”... well, i know there’s a good chance it’ll end up in my drafts never to see the light of day again lol. and i did want to post something on this blog specifically cuz it’s a place dear to me on the internet. 

closing remarks: i’m thankful for cloud servers and birds always.

[amarriageoftrueminds]

Don't mind me, coming in with the MCU salt as usual:

They gave Steve that very vague line about making compromises and the problem is... it's nonsense.

It's not supported by anything we saw Steve do in CATFA (him or any of the Commandos). We never saw Steve in a circumstance where he even could serve a greater purpose with dubious acts. In fact, Steve in is absolutely opposed to compromises (i.e. he will not stay where he is and not go and rescue the 107).

Fury is also making a gross generalisation about what the SSR did during WWII, and about Steve's generation...

But:

A) the SSR is shown as a large-ish organisation of which Steve is only a small part. Outside of one week's basic training he had minimal contact with the SSR, and spent 99% of his time on the Continent, away from them. (We don't even see him personally in radio contact with them.)

If the SSR were doing something shady while he was away, then we didn't see it... and Steve wasn't part of it.

and:

B) Steve was a complete outcast in his own generation, a man ahead of his time, who wasn't like anybody else, so it's nonsense to lump him in with his whole generation as if he's tarred with the some brush. He just isn't! 🤷‍♀️ That's kinda the whole point of him.

.

And we never hear exactly what Steve is thinking about when he says that, either?

For all we know, his 'compromise' might be the next person's 'impeccable behaviour.' He could see killing Nazis as a compromise that would make you not sleep so well (as oppose to capturing them alive).

An early draft of this script had Steve awakening from a nightmare wherein the Howlies rebuked him for abandoning them mid-fight, for example.

He could be thinking about not staying in Austria to look for Bucky's body. He could be thinking about putting the Valkyrie in the water with himself still on board, instead of bailing out to continue the fight (in fact... given how this movie ends, those last two seem the most likely!)

So it could be a case of total crossed wires, where Steve doesn't realise that Fury is accusing him of much worse things than he has actually done, and Fury doesn't realise that Steve isn't admitting to that.

.

1) The MCU never addresses the fact that Steve will have had contact with two very different kinds of spies.

There's the modern spies like Natasha, Coulson, Sharon, Fury, etc. who are just spooks, habitual inscrutable liars, people who lie to their own colleagues, etc. Political spies, you could call them. These he doesn't have much time for.

But his first experience of spies would've been in WWII, with Allied spies living undercover in Nazi-occupied territories.

We didn't see any of them, because the writers relegated anything non comphet-serving to a silent montage. But they ought to have been there! (The Howling Commando Frenchy was French Resistance, they should've been in contact with him).

So this is an example of a spy as someone incredibly brave under enormous pressure, living in constant danger, who has to lie purely to keep themselves alive, as part of a larger war effort. Lives would be on the line.

I can easily imagine that Steve wouldn't see it as bad to be one of those kinds of spies.

.

2) While he struggles to lie to innocent civilians and people he personally knows and respects, he has no problem lying to more powerful people such as Alexander Pierce, when there is something bigger at stake.

(Likewise no problem acting like he's obeying Col. Phillips's orders to his face, when he's actually about to directly disobey him by running off to save the 107. So authority figures? Those, he can lie to!)

This is probably why he was okay with allowing Jasper Sitwell to believe he was about to die, by having Natasha kick him off that roof.

(Yeah, Sam was there to catch him, so the threat wasn't real... but Steve was fine with letting him think it was real -- which is arguably cruel. Pretty Dark.)

Playing the good guy to Nat's bad guy just to convince a Hydra agent to cooperate with them, doing nothing to stop her when doing nothing is supposed to be anathema to him... but for a very good cause. Arguably a bit OOC because the writers wanted a cool edgy moment. 🙄

.

But fyi Fury's actions are extremely reactionary -- because that has come to mean "extreme conservatism or rightism in politics; opposing political or social change" -- a lynchpin of authoritarianism.

Believing it's okay to profile people and punish the innocent just for holding inconvenient views is what Hydra and Project Insight are all about.

Steve is the anti-reactionary one, because he supports preventing authoritarianism, and dismantling the status quo as embodied by SHIELD... while Fury wants to save it, and has to be talked out of that.

Given that Steve's conversation about his own dark side in AOU is with Tony, whom he ends up fighting to protect Bucky in the next movie, I think the quickest route to a believable dark!Steve in fic is basically: Fuck around with Bucky and find out.

The MCU certainly wants you to see 'defending Bucky' as selfish and part of Steve's dark side, even though Bucky is an innocent and it's the right thing to do. Selfless, by definition, not selfish at all!

However...

.

3) When millions of lives were at stake in CATWS, Steve was willing to choke Bucky unconscious and pull his arm out of its socket to stop him interfering.

He begged Bucky not to have to... but nevertheless he did do it.

This is the same guy who, when he thought Nat might be on the wrong side of the fight with Hydra, was willing to slam her against a wall to get the truth out of her. He does not fuck around.

Then in CACW Steve is willing, albeit reluctantly, to slip away and leave his friends behind to continue the fight (on Sam's suggestion) ...because it's a lesser of two evils, if he and Bucky are going to go and combat the much greater evil of five loose Winter Soldiers under Zemo's control.

And back in Avengers 1, when Tony had put the nuke through the wormhole but had not yet returned, Steve was willing to make the hard call and close it with Tony on the other side. It was only pure luck (or bad luck, depending on who you ask!) that Tony fell through in time.

In A1 he describes Coulson's murder by Loki as losing a soldier, a result of decisions higher-ups have made for which they might feel guilty, which is why he tries to console Tony about it.

(Likewise, Wanda about the dead in Lagos. Likewise, Nat and her guilt about serving SHIELDra. If Steve had been there, after Rhodey's injury, no doubt he would've been the one telling Sam and Vision that they're not at fault.)

So there is some darkness in canon Steve. But it's more about being willing to make the very difficult decisions (completely necessary as a leader) to put those close to him at risk, for the sake of saving millions/billions of lives.

Of course he also puts himself at risk, alongside them, so he's often being as simultaneously self-sacrificing as not -- and, unlike some, he does put the responsibility for what happens on his shoulders as CO, not theirs. For the purpose of doing the right thing, Steve is capable of leading others 'into the jaws of death,' even if it destroys him too.

tl;dr: IMO he does have a dark side but it's not what people think it is.

A Steve meta(?) from user cloudbells? More likely than you think.

One thing I struggled with when wanting darker plots was Steve's place in them. I always wanted to put him in a dubious, spy-like role where he'd have to set aside some moral hang-ups in favor of being a part of an objectively greater good that, in time, would save everyone.

At first, I thought that it just didn't fit him - that nothing in canon pointed to him being able to accept something like that. I mean, the whole "we don't trade lives" thing is just one of a few instances that seem to prove he leans towards immovable. But there is one line (among other actions we see but I'm using this line as an example) that gives me wiggle room.

In CATWS, when Steve is talking to Fury, he says that sometimes they compromised during the war. Just that one line, and I'm taking it because here's how I see it.

1) If something is catastrophic or horrific enough, then Steve is going to do "whatever it takes" to fix that. It will hurt his heart to have any complicity as a spy, but if that's the path to safety, then he's taking it.

2) Steve isn't fucking stupid. He has the foresight to discern when something could go horrifically bad and when to fight against it. I don't think he's entirely against "the ends justify the means" to an extent. The reason why he may be more at odds with Fury is because there are other paths to ensure safety and a lot of Fury's actions are preventative rather than reactionary to what is already coming.

3) Steve isn't stubborn enough to put his own ethical objections above the welfare of everyone else. That would seem selfish to him, I think. Yes, the guilt might eat him up, but the cause is more important, so unless it's truly not worth it, he's joining in. Some people might say "But user cloudbells! What about in CW when he threw everything away and defied countries just to defend Bucky and get what he wanted?" And to that I say, "Re-watch the movie, study Steve's character, read what was in the Accords that Steve read himself, critically think about his motives, and then come back to me".

With all this being said, I do think it would have to be a guaranteed....make or break event for Steve to play the long game knowing he's going to have to be complicit in or compartmentalize unsavory acts. Also I want to slip in that this is about MCU Steve. We know how 616 Steve fairs when he has to engage in more...shadow work than normal. But 616 Steve also seems more emotionally free or expressive than MCU Steve. Most Steve variants are better off emotionally than MCU Steve lol.

[dropespeon]

i had a dream about honkai star rail where they were having a normal conversation but then stelle said "let all cats old enough to catch their own prey gather beneath the highrock for a clan meeting" and i woke up in a cold sweat. anyways i think seele would have had a daughter of scourge leader of bloodclan oc

[rubiatinctorum]

listening to the 2006 taylor swift homophobic CD for the meme. thoughts:

the first three songs are BAD. they're bad.

insert picture to burn homophobia here. "shade never made anybody less gay" but she sure tried in 2006 to prove the difference

DREW DON'T CAARE

a place in this world is on thin ice bc my friend says it could apply to a book i really like. its fine. it's nothing to call home about but it's fine

why is cold as you quieter than all of the other songs so far. did anyone look at the mixing for this CD before putting it on the market. shame bc its the best song so far but maybe thats the nostalgia talking

with a debut album like this who needs a flop era

whatever this sixth song is sounds like it would be fun to sing while drunk with friends, just because of those notes in the chorus that flick upwards. also very cheesy. dear god this album is so cheesy please stop im lactose intolerant

am i halfway through this already

ooh a duet? with whom? probably one of those Country Music Television lads from back in the day no?

this song isn't bad. i forget which one we're on. it's not bad. tim mcgraw set my expectations really low you see

there's this next song (stay beautiful?) that the verses are sooooooo bad but the chorus is fun. taylor could write chorus melodies only in this era i think. nothing else is good but by god those choruses sound a bit fun that it kinda rots my hater soul a bit

good evening rubia. you said you own the homophobic edition of the taylor swift 2006 cd. before you you will find 45 free minutes and a CD player, if you bop in your seat a bit and admit some of these songs sound fun, a mallet will come down on your head blasting your brains to bits immediately. listen wisely

do i hear a fiddle? the fiddler is carrying this

OH i recognise this what the fuck is it. i remember this what's the name??? should've said no? the chorus is the best part once again, the verses are hard to get through. 6/10 it's listenable and she doesn't bitch about gay people in this one (i think i'm not reading the lyrics to this)

i'm starting to regret deciding to listen to this whole CD.

I'll never sin again please make it stop

I need to stop being sober

THE BEGINNING OF MARY'S SONG IS . I DON'T LIKE THAT!

they use this CD to brainwash people into becoming conservatives but it's not going to work on me it's not

"Yeah rubia like your politics were any better than this in 2006." they were actually. i was a six year old but i was a six year old with standards

i could turn this off at any time and delete this post draft and no one would know. there's still time to save myself

oh thank god the fiddler is back. OUR SONG!?!? not the worst song, not the best. nostalgia is assisting me through this one. at least it's kinda fun. at least she's having fun. see i can be a joyful person

never mind the bridge in this one is kinda weak. hey at least it's also short

i survived this CD. don't ever make me do this ever again

[ana-benn]

Chubbs

Warnings: Jamie Benn, male insecurities manifesting as possessiveness, self-body shaming, it'll probably be a bit smutty....

A companion piece to Insecure.

----------------------------------------------------------

There was something amiss with your husband. You didn't know exactly what that was, but you only had a few more weeks until training camp so you hoped it would be a brief thing. That had been a vain hope after two weeks if him sulking through the house. Always grabbing a kid and finding an excuse to be elsewhere. If you had to identify it you could guess maybe he felt a little neglected this summer.

First you'd had family around, celebrating birthdays and what not, then you'd had to deal with a fussy teething baby and a jealous toddler, now Tyler had moved in temporarily because he was having his floors replaced. Something about a burst water heater. It was a far cry from a few years ago when you and Jamie would've gone traveling, and hanging out with friends. He was finally dealing with the family-man lifestyle and you could only figure he wasn't loving where it left him sometimes.

To be honest you didn't always love it either. You missed just picking up and going to watch him play in the middle of a long road trip, but pouting about not getting quality time was a bit much. It was just where you were with two little kids, and responsibilities to friends and family. Not to mention it had killed your sex life the last few weeks.

You decided naptime would be the perfect time to talk to Jamie, so after putting the boys down for their nap, and making sure Tyler had gone home to check in on the progress, you slipped into a bikini and went to meet Jamie poolside. You knew that's where he would be, since that's where you'd left him after Wyatt's swim lesson. He'd stayed outside reading when you'd taken the boys upstairs for nap time. It was a routine when he was home that he handled sleep schedules, but he'd let you sleep in this morning managing breakfast solo so you took the nap shift.

"Hey mister, can I join you?" You joked sitting next to him on a lounger.

"Huh, yeah of course," he mumbled not really looking up from his phone.

You began applying sun tan lotion, hoping the movement would get him to look at you, but when it didn't you nudged him with the bottle, "Babe, help me with my back?"

He looked almost wary as he took the bottle, and helped put lotion on your back. You let out a soft moan at the feel of the cool lotion, mixed with his rough hands. You felt him falter, before he quickly finished and went back to his phone.

You rolled your eyes at that, "What are you doing, Jame?"

"Just reading some stuff the trainers sent over," he said. "Wanna get ready for training camp."

About that time Tyler showed up, pulling his shirt off and plopped down on the other side of Jamie, "Mom, Dad I'm home!"

You laughed, but didn't miss the slight eye roll from your husband. You filed that information away, as Tyler started going into a dialogue about how his repairs were going. Somewhere in that Jamie just stood up and walked inside.

"Sorry Tyler, he's usually a much better host," you apologized watching your husband's retreating back.

"Eh, I get it I'm probably overstaying my welcome. I can get a hotel, so long as your good with watching the dogs. I don't think they'll be allowed," he mused.

"Nonsense, I'm going to go talk to him. You're not going anywhere, we said you could stay until your house was livable and we meant it," you scolded. "Just...maybe, if you hear the baby could you grab him?" You waited for his nod before leaving the baby monitor with him and going in search of Jamie.

You found him in your bedroom, laying back on the bed with his arm over his eyes. You took him in for a moment before shutting the door quietly behind you. When Jamie didn't move you decided to just dive right in.

You moved next to him and sat on the edge of the bed, "What's going on Jamie?" You asked softly.

"Nothing, just.... Nevermind it's nothing," he sighed out.

"You just walked away from your best friend mid-conversation, I don't think that's nothing," you pressed gently.

"If his feelings matter so damn much why don't you go out there with him. You're not usually his type, but he's been known to make exceptions," Jamie spit out bitterly.

"Okay, what the fuck Jamie!"

The silence that followed had you going to your dresser, pulling on a pair of shorts and a tank top, "You wanna sit here and sulk, fine! But don't accuse me of that, we both know that's not the kind of girl I am." Before you could reach the door he was on you, pulling your small frame into his body.

"No, then what kind of girl are you?" He mumbled into your neck before move up to kiss you roughly. You denied him entrance for a moment, but a rough nip caused you to gasp allowing him in.

"I asked you a question baby," he growled out as he let you up for air. Pushing you back onto the bed with softer hands than his tone should've allowed.

"I....I'm," you're response was cut off by Jamie pushing your shirt off to reveal your stomach, finally back to it's pre-baby flatness, peppering you with tender kissed mixed with sharp nips along your skin. You whimpered as he used the time to push the shorts off your body as well, pushing your bikini bottoms to the side and running a finger up your slit.

"Come on sweetheart, you can do it," he mocked lightly.

"Jamie, please," you cried out. The absence of his body over yours for weeks mixed with his teasing touches leaving you overwhelmed.

"Tell me what kind of girl you are, and I'll get you what you want," he compromised.

"I'm your girl," you spit out, as he plunged a finger in your core.

"You are, you're my girl baby, don't forget that," he praised. "Now you're going to cum for me, just like this and then I'm going to fuck you right here."

He kept thrusting his fingers into you, adding in a thumb rubbing against you clit, "Eyes on me." He commanded as you fell apart against his fingers.

You barely had time to gather yourself before he had his cock inside of you. You groaned at the feeling of him sliding home, as he leaned into you neck releasing a small groan of his own. After a couple of testing thrusts into you he resurfaced.

"That's my girl," he grunted out. "Feel how well you fit around my cock? This pussy was made for me."

You moaned out at his words, only able to lift your hips to meet his thrusts. "Say it," he commanded with a sharp thrust.

"M...my pussy was made for you," you whimpered out.

"Whose girl are you?" His voice was demanding and rough.

"Your's!" You were rewarded with a rough thrust of his hips, encouraging you.

"I'm all yours Jamie," you whispered in his ear. "No one else gets to touch me like this. No one else gets to fuck me."

His hips never stopped after that as he shoved you over the edge, crying out as you came around him. He pounded you through your orgasm and buried his rough, bearded face into your neck. His nips and sucking would mean a dark hickey, but you couldn't care in that moment. His fingers found your nub again as he worked you up to bring you over the edge one more time before he painted your walls with thick ropes of cum.

You stayed like that for a little while. Just stroking his hair as he kissed and nipped at your skin, "You ready to talk about it?" You asked.

Jamie sighed readjusting so you were next to him, his arm around your waist, "You know how I didn't really start working out until I got drafted? I made it to the stars and a few of this guy's would chirp me about being a little chubby. Whatever it was just guy stuff, I started working out and I got a nickname. I never really felt insecure about it, until Tyler started walking around my damn house shirtless. All I could think about was that every girl seems to prefer that and I don't compare. Isn't that just pathetic? I'm jealous like a thirteen year old girl," he confessed.

"I don't prefer that," you replied. "I prefer the guy who is home to help with the kids, and always down for mexican food," You moved to straddle him. "I like that you don't spend hours a day at the gym, so you can come home and read to the boys. I like that you give the best warm hugs, and you always know when I need to cuddle. I love you Jamie Benn, not some hyper-sexualized professional athlete."

He kissed you at that, and grinned, "Didn't you make me fuck you in full gear once?"

"Shhhh," you pressed your fingers to his lips. "We're not going to talk about that."

"Fine then we're going swimming, it's hot as hell," he laughed pulling you downstairs, insecurities forgotten. You grinned at him as you just enjoyed his energy.

It was good to have your husband back.

[eagles-translated]

Answering Eagles questions before the season 3 finale (Part 1/2)

I've received a bunch of questions since 3x08 and 3x09 dropped, so I compiled all the questions into two posts. I had to split them up because Tumblr only allows 10 images per post. Anyway, keep reading to see my answers and enjoy! 👇

My theory is that everybody will be gathered together for some event and then shit goes down. Sort of like the ending of 1x08.

We've seen an image of Adam, Omar, and Ludde together at a party of some sort. I can't post it here because of Tumblr only allowing ten pictures, but you can find it in Ludde's prediction post that I made prior to the season 3 premiere.

Felicia might be absent from this considering how her mental health has been recently, and instead opting to stay at home rather than attending a party.

I have my suspicions that Elias will be attending this party, though. We saw him at some concert in the season 3 trailer and they made it look like he was watching Amie singing in Stockholm. But maybe Amie will be performing at this party and Elias is watching her here instead?

It seems like Amie singing at the end of the season has become kind of a recurring theme. She performed "Follow" in 1x08 and "Second Sight" in 2x10 (on the radio, but my point still stands). I wouldn't be surprised if they followed this trend by having Amie perform a new song in the season 3 finale.

Maybe Elias approaches her after the performance to express how good she is. He hasn't really seen her do a live performance since 1x08, where she still hadn't really come out of her shell. They've also grown a lot closer this season. Perhaps Elias even has something more to tell her?

I can't help but feel like this party will end on a bad note, though. We have that whole thing with Andreas potentially buying a gun or whatever he's up to (discussed this more in another question down below).

I have a feeling this party is going to get interrupted in some way and that the season is going to end on a major cliffhanger.

I don't even know what they'll do with Ludde and Felicia. Ludde has no idea what happened to Felicia in these last two episodes, and I hope they'll have a conversation just to clear the air surrounding the whole press situation. Ludde still loves her even if he broke things off, and I would really like to see him reassure Felicia that the blame lies with Jack and not her. I don't think they will get back together and repeat what 2x10 did since the drama is still so fresh. Felicia shouldn't really get into a relationship right now, either.

I'm unsure about Klara. I feel like she's mostly done her part this season, but maybe things aren't completely finished between her and Elias. Maybe there were some things left unsaid on Klara's part when she met with Elias at the café, and Elias never really confirmed where he was at.

This talk regarding their relationship (and Eagles?) might happen in the season finale. I'm leaning towards them ending it for good since I doubt they will be getting back together. However, I'm pretty sure that it will be on good terms now after everything Klara did for Felicia.

I somewhat agree with this, even if it was worded a little harshly. Felicia shouldn't have been so quick to share the most personal thing that had ever happened to her on her first date with a guy she had just met. And she shouldn't have done the same thing with Jack, even if it was someone she'd known for longer.

I think she should've at least waited a while to see if the person she told her secrets to was trustworthy—sort of like Ludde did when he told Felicia the truth about how Andreas landed in prison. That's a huge secret and it made more sense to have it be shared closer to the end of the first season rather in the first three episodes.

On the other hand, I can definitely understand why she was so quick to share her problems. Felicia was really lonely when she first came to Oskarshamn. Her parents were fighting all the time, and her dad was only focused on Elias' hockey career. She carried these huge traumatic events and had nobody really supporting her when she ended up at the hospital and was sent to rehab. Felicia couldn't share the secret about her dad's affair either. She really had nobody in her life that she could talk to about any of this.

So it's reasonable that when she finally met a person who she really connected with, she felt comfortable enough to finally share these burdens she had been carrying. She actually started out by saying this to Ludde in 1x03:

I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I don’t talk about it to people.

I don't think Felicia set out to tell her whole backstory to Ludde. It just happened. I'm not saying it was the right choice, but Felicia probably realized that she desperately needed someone to talk to. And she said herself that it felt really good to just get these secrets out (until it didn't when she thought Ludde had spilled the beans to Klara). Felicia even made sure to stress to Ludde that he couldn't tell anybody about her experiences in the US.

Felicia: I don’t want this to come out, that’s really important. Ludde: Of course, I’d never tell.

A similar situation arose with Jack. Felicia was more isolated than ever and she had aborted a child that nobody knew about—not even her mom. That's a huge secret to carry on your own.

Felicia had known Jack since she was a child. She trusted him and he was a family friend. Not only that, but Jack has the ability to be incredibly charming when he wants to be. If anything, it makes more sense that Felicia told her personal things to Jack rather than to Ludde. She couldn't predict that Jack would turn out to be a cheating asshole who would leak everything in the press. It's kind of sad that Felicia would have to constantly keep quiet about all the wounds she's carrying when support from the people around her is the thing she needs and craves.

I've never said that the Kroon family's reaction to them being slandered in the press wasn't valid. I actually understood their anger and frustration quite well, but they let their emotions get the better of them. Yelling at Felicia did nothing to help the situation even though it's fair that they would direct their anger at the person who was to blame in that situation.

It wasn't pretty, and ganging up on Felicia (when her personal business had also been leaked) wasn't the best way to deal with the situation. But because their privacy was violated, I understand it. I can agree with you on that part.

It just sounds like you're implying that Felicia isn't allowed to share personal stuff at all because it would be "gifting ammo to expose her family". If Jack had actually been a decent person and never ruined her family's reputation in the press, you wouldn't be as harsh on her. The situation just got blown out of proportion for everybody.

Put these questions together since they were sort of asking the same thing regarding the last scene of 3x09. Here is the full transcript from that scene if anybody needs a reminder:

Man: Hey. Andreas: Hello. Man: Wasn’t yesterday. Welcome to the outside. Andreas: Thanks. Hey… The last time I saw you, you said you knew somebody who sells. Man: Are you thinking of a fully automatic? Andreas: Yeah, whatever. Man: There’s a guy in Stockholm. I’ll fix it. I’ll send you the number. Just tell him I sent you. Andreas: Alright, good. Got it. Man: Good. Good, see you. Andreas: See you.

It actually didn't click for me at all when I first saw this scene that Andreas could've been talking about buying a gun—my first thought was actually that he was talking about a car because I'm that stupid lmao.

Anyway, there is definitely potential for the season to end on a cliffhanger involving a gun and Andreas. I have a few theories on what the season could end like. Season 3 has been so much darker than previous seasons, so while this might feel too serious for a show like Eagles it's definitely not out of the question after the recent episodes. Anyway, here's what I think could happen.

1. The season ends with Andreas having the gun—but we don't know if he'll actually use it 2. The season ends with Andreas just about to shoot someone—but we don't know who (?) 3. The season ends with Andreas having just shot someone—but we don't know who (?)

I don't know which one of these theories I'm leaning more towards, but I really hope this won't be the outcome for Andreas. He just spent close to a year in prison for something he didn't even do. Andreas is not a criminal, and it would be disappointing if he actually ended up doing this. They could be throwing us for a loop.

I mean, personally I don't think shooting somebody because they were the reason my younger brother didn't get into his dream school is enough reason to risk ending up in prison for. Yes, Ludde got his reputation ruined, but there are other ways to solve that than to resort to crime. Andreas should know that too, considering the whole thing where he got landed in jail because he tried to protect Ludde.

This could absolutely be the case but at the same time I'm a little unsure. Hopefully things will just go up from here since the last two episodes were so dark, but I'm unsure what that last scene in 3x09 will mean for the season finale.

I hope they will do something similar to 2x10, where the ending was more bittersweet than just sour. We had the moment with Elias finally being drafted to the US and then Felicia and Ludde finally getting back together. We saw Amie achieve her dreams as a pop star. And yet there were still sour tones with us seeing Klara's dad passing away, Ludde being brought to the police station, and Amie being entirely alone and heartbroken.

2x10 was a really good episode and the ending montage gave me goosebumps the first time I saw it. I think ending a season like that, with both positives and negatives, hits you more emotionally rather than just ending on one or the other. The 1x08 season finale was really depressing and while the cliffhanger was intriguing, it didn't hit as hard for me as 2x10.

I'm kind of curious if they'll be able to top that episode—it's definitely among my personal favorites.

My stance is that if Elias and Amie won't happen in 3x10, they will be guaranteed to happen in season 4. There is no way they're passing that opportunity up. They have clear chemistry, are fan favorites, and it absolutely makes sense for them to get together considering where they're at in their journeys—both having realized their dreams but then coming back to Oskarshamn because it didn't turn out the way they thought it would.

I think they have a mutual understanding of each other—in season 3 more than ever—and it would definitely be a shame if their potential was wasted. So I can't see the writer(s) passing up that opportunity.

There is a possibility for Elias to make a move in the season 3 finale, but I think it's better to keep our expectations low. We just had Felicia go through something really traumatic and her whole family is dealing with the ramifications of Jack slandering them in the media. Elias's relationship with Amie might have to take a backseat because of that.

There's also the thing where we thought that Petra might forbid Amie from seeing Elias because the newspapers painted him as a sex addict. But I think Petra and Amie have reached an understanding in their relationship after the whole Michael thing, and I can see Petra taking Amie's word when saying that Elias isn't what the press makes him out to be—and that he's not like his father.

I really do want to see something happen between them in the season finale, though. I'm excited but impatient for Elias and Amie and I think there are many fans who feel the same way.

But there is a reason they've been so slow to develop their relationship. Elias and Amie have grown as people separately and they're at a point where I believe they're more compatible than they ever were previously. They've been building their character development, slowly but surely, and I like that they haven't been rushed together like Felicia and Ludde were.

If nothing happens between them in season 3, don't lose hope. I think season 4 will absolutely be Elias and Amie's season.

I hope so. I hope Petra isn't listening to the tabloids and tries to see what's in front of her instead, which is that Elias is not Mats.

Elias is entirely his own person. I know Petra was heartbroken when Mats left her after getting drafted, but when Elias was put into this exact situation he hesitated because he didn't want to leave Klara alone.

Klara: Elias… I don’t understand why you’re even thinking about this. Of course you’re going [to the US]. You’ve always wanted this. Right? Elias: But I don’t want to leave you.

Petra doesn't know about this, but we as the audience do. Elias's actions have always been caring and supportive (and I'm not just saying this because Elias has always been my favorite character). It should only be a matter of time until Petra realizes that, if she just gave him a chance.

I think that Petra will eventually see that Amie has finally found someone special who makes her happy. That Elias isn't at all like how Mats was at his age, or like Michael who didn't even bother to support her.

Petra has been so unlucky in love and I hope she can see through her prejudices and let her daughter be happy and loved, in the way that Petra never really got to be.

It could happen, but even if it does I don't think they will be separated for most of season 4.

Maybe Amie decides to finally take charge of her career and tells the record label that she's doing this her way or not at all. Maybe she even decides to quit to try a music career on her own terms, or with a different label that doesn't make her as successful but doesn't control her.

I never felt like the particular record label Amie ended up with was a great fit for her. Yes, she's very talented and I would love to see her become an even bigger star, but only if it's done the way Amie wants it to be done. There could be the possibility of Amie leaving the label, just like how Elias left the US.

I definitely think Felicia has picked up on Elias overworking himself. He's been at the gym constantly, even during the school field trip to Stockholm. Elias left this huge opportunity in the US to come back to Eagles, and the overworking could be a result of him feeling like he has to prove to both himself and the people around him that this decision was the right one.

They've been super subtle about this whole thing and I hope they will be discussing it properly soon instead of just giving us small snippets. There was discussion about this being an eating disorder, but I think it's leaning more towards overworking like you said and bad eating habits (in my opinion, we would need to see something more drastic before drawing the conclusion that Elias might have an eating disorder).

There's so much that needs to be brought up in the season 3 finale—like what exactly Andreas is planning and its outcome, Felicia healing after her suicide attempt and potentially having a conversation with Ludde, and maybe some sort of triangle drama between Elias and if he'll choose Klara or Amie. There are so many possibilities here that I have my suspicions that this storyline won't be fully resolved in just one episode.

I think it will be pushed forward into season 4 because that seems to make the most sense right now. I've been wrong before though, so something else could definitely happen.

[artofdying1970]

no actually i'll elaborate bc i saw someone vagueposting about this

anyways. keep in mind that this is just my opinion and i don't know anything about music. thanks :)

i've come to notice that the majority of praise towards the album stems from its influence in the music industry, like popularizing concept albums, and the cultural impact it had in the sixties. and i'm not here to discredit it or anything, but if you were to strip it back from its historical context it's just. There.

i feel like none of the songs do much for me. i know it's supposed to be greater than the sum of its parts but. anyways. let's break it down lol

SIDE ONE

the opener? great. it's not something you would willingly put on but it introduced you to the world the band created for the album. yeah sure. "with a little help from my friends" is, again, pretty good. the crowning jewel and probably most well-known song from the LP is "lucy in the sky with diamonds", which i used to be obsessed with but now i find grating. still, i can recognize it is objectively not a bad song.

"getting better" is pretty good! "fixing a hole" is what you could classify as one of paul's granny sounds (oh and it is, don't get me wrong) but it is at least innovative. i like the baroque-esque intro and the slightly unnerving yet whimsical lyrics (in typical paul fashion, lol).

"she's leaving home" feels like paul apologizing in advance for his next granny song on side two, and it's, like, fine, i guess. i think it's a little devise; some people thinks it's the best thing since sliced bread and the best song on the record, while others feel it just drags on and on. i guess i'm on the middle of the spectrum. it feels like it's trying to be eleanor rigby 2.0, another song i'm not the biggest fan of (i'm in a silly goofy provocative mood today can you tell xx), but it doesn't quite stick the landing. the lyrics are probably the best thing about it (but like. can we talk about how the line "fun is the one thing money can't buy" makes literally NO sense. neither love nor happiness can be bought; fun is literally the only thing you can buy !! what !!). "being for the benefit of mr. kite" is so so fun. it's just john being a weirdo and i love that !!

so overall, side one is pretty good. you have some duds here and there but it's still decent. side two is ... not.

SIDE TWO

i'm one of the people that doesn't mind george's indian classical songs, in fact, i quite like them. but "within you without you" is so dissapointing. it's repetitive, underwhelming; go girl give us NOTHING. what makes it more dissapointing is it's not only george's only song, it's also the second longest on the entire album which it literally doesn't have to be. in an ideal world, it would've been like three minutes long. with that time left they could've easily shuffled the tracklist to let george have another song that's hopefully better than this one (and we know he did have better songs at the time) so we could all pretend it doesn't exist but Oh Well.

they could've also gotten rid of the next track, "when i'm sixty-four", which is peak granny behavior and that is not really a good thing. i think the reason i find it so offensive is because it's not offensive at all. it's doesn't try to do anything remotely interesting. it's just there, taking up space in the tracklist and sticking out like a sore thumb. should've stayed in the drafts, this one.

"lovely rita" is okay, i guess. i like the bassline and paul's ability to make boring everyday life situations mildly interesting (note: mildly). "good morning good morning" is another filler track, a less cuter sister to revolver's "good day sunshine". still, i don't mind it that much.

who gave "sgt pepper's lonely hearts club band (reprise)" the right to go as hard as it goes??? way better than the opener.

i take back what i said earlier, "a day in the life" is objectively *the* centerpiece of the album. like, it's *that* song. while it's impressive on a structural, lyrical, and instrumental level, it's not a song i find myself going back to? but i can still appreciate how it attempts to tie back the recurring themes in previous songs and ends up doing it phenomenally (unrelated sidenote: the closing chord (you know the one) has been milked to death by literally everyone to the point where it's actually embarrasing and inadvertedly makes it lose its momentum. though i guess that's not really anyone's fault).

so. that's it! like with any beatles album, it has some filler, it has some duds, but it also has some huge bangers and some hidden gems. note how i said i thought the album wasn't that great, not that it was bad, because it really isn't. it's just fine. definetly not good enough to be shoved down everyone's throat as the best album of all time by music critics that haven't felt the loving touch of a woman.

i think it's impossible to crown an album with that title. and i humbly believe that sgt. pepper's doesn't deserve it; it's not even the best beatles album, for christ's sake. abbey road and revolver say hi xx

sgt pepper's is actually Not That Great