#yikes it started out a super good year for art and then i just fucking died after i fell back out of trigun land lol

[tigerjawed]

my 2023 art summary! this doesn’t really reflect just how much of a hold trigun had on me - i made 17 artworks between march and april and had to pick 2 😅 from june onwards i didn’t draw much, so i included wips of the zine piece i worked on until october. nothing this month 🤪

[ryuichirou]

Hi Ryu!I really like your art! I hope it's not a very personal question, but is there any character that you find relatable? I hope you have a great day! 💚

Hi Anon! Thank you so much for liking my art, I really appreciate it! <3

And don’t worry about the personal question, I don’t mind answering that. In fact, we did have a post about twst characters that I find the most relatable, but apparently it was half a year ago (yikes) + I didn’t really elaborate much about them. To be honest, I thought it would be too cringey to read.

But screw that; let’s be a little bit vulnerable.

I’ll start by saying that a lot of twst characters are pretty relatable in general. Once again, Yana is a good writer and conveys characters’ feelings and struggles very nicely, so even if the situation itself isn’t familiar to you, the emotions that characters go through are understandable and easy to “feel”. There are a lot of aspects of Idia’s and Vil’s story that hit on a very personal level, especially the artistic aspect, I guess.

But the ones that I mentioned in my previous posts were these doofuses. Doofusi. Idiots. What a squad, really.

I’ll post the tier-list again so you can admire my mistake in the word “menace”. The tiers are also pretty self-explanatory, but I’ll add something about each of them.

Crowley is here half-jokingly, I can’t say much about him; Kalim is so stupidly relatable at times though that it hurts. His obliviousness that comes from being kind of sheltered and super detached and naive and expecting good things from people is a good source of comedy, but it also made me reflect on some of the things about my own upbringing (no don’t  have that kind of money god I WISH), my relationship with people and frankly my clumsiness lol Katsu always likes to joke about how there are some things that Katsu does but I get credit for, and because of that I always do the “HEY DID YOU KNOW THAT KATSU IS AWESOME” thing. It’s going to be a reoccurring theme in this reply…

The second tier is also the second-most relatable. Sebek is pretty much the way I used to be at his age: he is so FUCKING STUBBORN and so focused on things that he thinks are right and has so little patience for anyone who doesn’t fit these molds, sometimes I genuinely want to choke him because of how annoying he is lol but I also adore him for that. The sheer adoration he feels for the person he admires is also shamefully relatable. There is a lot of Sebek in the adult me as well I guess lol But I at least try to be somewhat open-minded. But the simp in me lives.

And he also lives in me with my kinship with Rook fucking Hunt because this man just gets it. The way he talks about Vil and art and beauty of everyone and everything, I really admire that but also can’t help but nod aggressively whenever he says something. He just cares so much about these things?? It’s so wonderful but also heck yes the colour of leaves is as important of a thing as the shape of your loved one’s calves today. He is also this weird mix of being brutally honest sometimes because he doesn’t always have an easy time having any fucking tact (having no tact and weird relationship with one’s own emotions is also a reoccurring theme here lol), but also finds a way to say something nice when there is nothing nice to be said. I do get in trouble for both of these things sometimes, and even though I try to work on them, I still find it relatable af. But the simping and appreciation of arts is the main thing here lol

Now, Ortho. I wonder how many of you thought that out of the two Shrouds it was Ortho who is more relatable to me lol this is what Ch6 does to a person. Although retroactively, a lot of their vignettes started to hit very close to home too.

The reason why I told in my very old very long Shroud-related shipping post that there are some things about their relationship that I find very relatable is that I do find myself in these situations quite often. There is a person in my life that I love really dearly and that I get very protective of, and I used to be even more protective and get instantly aggressive when I got even a faint idea that someone might think badly of them. Like I mentioned in that post, ”I just don’t want him to be misunderstood” is the line I felt very deeply about. This is kind of a complicated topic, and a more personal one at that, so I won’t dive deeper in this post; let’s keep it more light-hearted. I am also small and cute, so here’s that lol

Speaking of smallness and cuteness, god I wish I had more similarity to Lilia fucking Vanrouge, he is way too awesome. But he also has this aura of protectiveness and wanting better things for someone dear to him that hits close to home; (Now leaving: Wholesome town, Next stop: Cursed city) he also has this aggressive top aura, which is obviously our headcanon for a lot of it, but the way he talks and acts and teases is at the same time admirable and hilarious; Katsu has a lot of “this is just you…” moments with him. But then again, 50% wishful thinking.

Azul has kind of a similar upbringing to me, but he is also super fucking ANNOYING, the vibes I get from him are similar to Sebek’s: a lot of it is stuff that I used to struggle with when I was younger, but I kinda still do. I’m a horrible control-freak and I just know I wouldn’t be able to fly on a fucking broom or ask for help because I would stand there like an idiot and try to do it myself, even though my concentration and overstressing would keep ruining the whole thing. I also work a lot and get excited about things that I can do and make stupid plans and god how much I hate it here (just kidding, I love it, being a control freak is fucking awesome)

The Tweels is just my edgy inner self wanting to be scarier and more intimidating, to be honest, nothing to add here. And Riddle is a dork who doesn’t know how to play videogames, so yeah been there.

Damn it took longer to write than I thought it would lol I hope this wasn’t a tedious read, and please keep in mind that I’m saying a lot of these things half-jokingly.

Thank you for your ask, Anon!

[drifting-pieces-blog-blog]

Oh Bushman and his super racist backstory (not that he wasn't a stereotype before). Again it could be done well, but it very much wasn't

also why is bushman and some domi are colored grey when African-American characters like Gena are colored a more brown color often in the same comic? Do you think there was a choice there or it's just the colorists fucked up?

(compared Shang-Chi being orange and his father Fu Manchu being bright yellow but all the other Asians and Asian americans were beige)

Hi there! Yeah... Any time a comic heads into Africa for a villain story I have to take pause and wonder just HOW racist this story is going to get. Or at least the art and the depictions of the locals.

I think in the case of the coloration of Bushman, if you look at the other characters that are coming from his homeland, they all have the same ashen black/brown color. Or… At least the bad guys are.

There's a lot that can be said about that.

I'm going to tred as carefully as I can but it's going to get dicey.

You might have noticed that people come in different colors. Even those colors come in different colors.

Not all black people are 'brown'. Some are lighter and some are much darker. The same goes for Asians and white people and all sorts of ethnicities.

BUT. How do you show that in comics? Comics are printed. And sometimes that printing isn't done well. And not all shades of ink print well.

If you use a darker color, you aren't going to see any shading, details, or ink. You can't use black or you lose everything and you have to start outlining in red, white, or green. Which can be jarring if you are using black outlines everywhere else.

So you get the gray color to show darker black toned skin.

HERE'S WERE THE RACISM COMES IN. Boy howdy.

Remember a moment ago when I said 'the bad guys are'?

There was a very popular notion for hundreds and hundreds of years that the darker you are, the uglier and more inhuman you are. (Thank you colonialism). In fact, there is still a notion in beauty standards that many people are trying to change. The notion that dark is ugly. ANd good luck finding cosmetics for the darker colors. Again, companies are trying to change that and be more inclusive, but this is a VERY recent event.

So it's not uncommon in Hollywood to use the darker colored skin to signify the bad guys.

The same goes for comics.

You have "Beautiful and warm brown" for our heros like Luke Cage and T'Challa and Storm! Then you get ashen gray for Bushman.

Yikes.

And Asians? Well… The more yellow…

So next time you are reading a comic that actually includes POC, take note of the shades that are being used. Then take note of where those people stand on the good vs. evil scale.

If you are reading something more modern and they are still using that scale of shading to denote evil, you might want to stop and think about who wrote this and WHY they might be using that color scale. If you are reading an older comic, this is going to be hard to avoid. But pay attention to it. Realize that even the best comics were not immune to racism.

Good job on noticing this, my friend!

Comics can often show us a pretty good idea on the politics of what was going on during the time it was written as well the mental ideas/pictures of people.

I'm sure there's SOME paper or dissertation or thesis out there that talks more about this. If not, someone should absolutely do one! I'd love to read it!

[cinnamonest]

Albedo idol girl darling thoughts M A N I F E S T E D

----------

Well, to be entirely honest, he thinks the whole idol thing is a little dumb.

For someone like him, at least. He's a PhD student in his final semester, lots of work to be done and all that. So, you know, he's a responsible, accomplished adult. Not the kind of person who gets into "that stuff," as he calls it in his head.

Nor does he even know how he encountered it... He just takes the occasional break from work to mindlessly open whatever app first pops into his vision and scroll through the feed. He's never watched anything like it in his life, so he's not exactly sure why he gets recommended some idol girl thing, and even less sure why he taps it without really thinking. Probably one of those videos that gets recommended to everyone. Well, can't be that, it doesn't have that many views... Probably loosely connected to some video game he's searched before or something. He's familiar with idols and what they are, and the subculture surrounding them, but he's never really cared about it.

Honestly, it's kinda pathetic that a bunch of grown adult men get so obsessed over these girls, he thinks as he watches. He's seen the type. Lonely, asocial dudes, most definitely virgins whose only female attention in their entire life is their mother, well into adulthood with no real social group to speak of.

...Not that he's much better off, but he hasn't quite sunk down to their level. The only reason he doesn't talk to people much is because they're busy, and he's even busier. He managed to make a few friends in undergrad years. Well, study partners who mooched off his notes since he was one of the top students, but same idea. They were people he spoke to more than once, which is what constitutes a friend, right? And for the record, one time in high school a girl in his class said she liked his hair. He hasn't changed the way he wears it since. Whenever he's sad, he thinks about that compliment from 10+ years ago, and it makes him feel a little better. But now, he's constantly slammed with work and research.

And his acquaintances are also all busy. He sees notifications every now and then from social media he never checks. Everyone is getting married at this stage in life, both friends and even other PhD students in his department. Not that he's ever been invited to a wedding, he just overhears a lot of conversations, sees notifications of posts. And he will too, eventually. He just has to finish up his degree, and then... Meet a girl. Well, that's actually the second step, step one would be finding out how to go about meeting a girl. He's... Never done it before. Probably does not happen sitting in the research lab at 11:30 pm on YouTube. He's talked to one of the other PhD students who's a girl before. And only stutters sometimes. He was even able to look her in the face while he talked to her once. That's a good start.

Ok, so maybe he is a little bit pathetic, but not as bad as... These guys. Reading the comments of the video actually make him feel a little better about himself, because frankly, they're kinda wild. The worship and fawning over girls is one thing, but they even have timestamps referring to various members like "she's super cute here!" Or "you can kinda see her thigh at 3:12!" Etc etc. Yeesh, creepy. And they get into comment fights over who is the best member, as if it even matters. It's fascinating in a human-social-experiment sort of way, the manifestation of a subculture and how humans interact with each other. On and on it goes, hundreds of commenters. He pays more attention to the comments than the actual video, but the song is kinda catchy in that annoying sort of way, and the girls are cute, just kinda... The typical thing he'd expect from idol groups. But the building will close soon, so he taps back to home screen and swipes the app closed.

Unfortunately, the algorithm remembers.

And he's not certain why he clicks the next one either, the following day. The lunch breaks he takes are usually pretty rushed. Not that he has specific class times at his level of academia, but he likes to get his work done. He intentionally eats either a bit later or earlier than the lunch crowd to avoid crowds and interactions. Finds a nice secluded little table tucked away. So when he opens it back up, what do you know, several more videos get recommended. It's absent minded when he taps on one, the kind of numb-brained entertainment every modern person indulges in, videos you wouldn't really be interested in but just watch because they're there.

Ok, this is really creepy. These dudes have made compilation videos of close ups of each specific girl. It's the same group as the video he saw before, same little lewd costumes. Admittedly the girls are kinda cute. He can kinda understand the appeal. But he's not like those guys, he would never become like, obsessed with them.

The song is actually really catchy. The kind of mindlessly addictive, repetitive pop music that's the same four chords over and over, each song is so similar you can't really tell them apart, but it gets stuck in your head anyway. This group has... nine members. Who needs that many singers in one group? It's not like a band or anything, they all just sing and do their little choreography. Guess that's a form of talent, even though he doesn't really get it.

Some of the groups he sees in recommended videos are cute and wholesome, and while this group is cute too, there's a very... Blatantly intentional lewdness to their poses and costumes. A hypersexualized sort of cuteness. Clearly marketed at lonely losers who have nothing better to do with their time than obsess over a girl who will never even know they exist.

He taps another video.

So many compilations, yikes. He has to give the guys credit, they're insanely loyal to the individual member that they decide to fixate on. Oh, and they even make official figurines and posters for these girls, that's... Something.

And a few days later he can kinda recognize the girls. They have color themes, you know, identical costumes except each girl's is a different color. This lead one is red, this main backup is blue, etc etc. Lots of bright colors. Kinda hurts his eyes to be honest.

And he's seen compilations of every girl except... The pink one. The pink one is always kinda off to the side. Well, these groups do have their favoritism, there's apparently one or two lead singers in all of the major idol groups, and the rest are basically backups and dancers. Still, a lot of dudes get super devoted to the non-main girls. So yeah, he's never seen a compilation for the pink one... He can't always exactly remember which one is which but now he's seen enough to know the other girls' names. He's not sure what hers is though. So he googles it and gets the name.

Wonder why she doesn't have as many videos...? Oh, it's because she's the newest member. Only been around a few months. There's... A whole board dedicated to the group, which he's getting this information from. Wow, pathetic. What kind of person spends their free time browsing a forum for an idol group? Well, he's just doing it to find information, not for fun or anything. He was just curious. Now he knows and he can forget about it and never look at anything related to them again... after he types her name and group name into the YouTube search bar and checks the results out, that is.

Oh, so they do have some compilations for her, just not many. "(Name) thigh compilation." Fuck, these people have no limits to how creepy and pathetic they can get, he thinks... as he watches the video. Ok, admittedly there are some good thigh shots there. There's a comment. "At 4:26 you can see her panties." Pathetic. They're not wrong though. Just to be sure, you see, he tapped the timestamp, and you can, in fact, see them. Stripes. Cute.

But he still has to do his work. Can't get too invested in watching mindless videos all day. He's got a thesis to work on.

That makes him curious, though, he thinks as he goes about his research. Do these girls go to school? Do they like, skip college, or do they join some kind of performing arts school or...? So he googles it. He can remember the pink one's name now, so he just finds her Wikipedia page. Oh, so she joined right out of high school and has been in various groups ever since.

Wait, various groups? So she has more groups she's been in? What are those? Before he typed her name into the search along with the group name, but if he just searches her name he gets... A lot more content from earlier years. Huh. Didn't know some of them did group-hopping like that.

Still, no education. Must be all smiles and body and no brains. Guess that's all you really need. Yeah, looking at that whole act they do... All giggly and childish and lewd... She's probably not too bright. At least she's pretty and sings nice. And the thighs are rather good. Smooth looking. They have a sort of jiggle when she jumps up and down on stage. The thigh highs they make those girls wear have that nice little dip where the skin is compressed by the fabric. Like... right there at that closeup. He takes a screenshot.

It's readily available, he's already seen the video and knows the best parts, whereas searching for porn would take time. The sooner he can get the daily stress relief out of the way the sooner he can work on his thesis. So this way is faster. That's why he's jerking off to the thigh video and not taking the time to look for porn. Plus, it makes him cum faster. Which it probably shouldn't since it's just thighs, but... Probably has something to do with the tease of it all maybe. That makes sense.

Or maybe it's that cute little giggle he can hear at some parts. She smiles and jumps and spins and laughs.

...It makes him wonder what she'd look like crying. Scared. Whimpering. Covered in bruises and bite marks. The contrast between that state and the one on the screen. The process and the things he could do to get her from one to the other. Yeah, he realizes, it's that thought, rather than the happy giggling on video or tease aspect, that makes him cum.

He's aware that his... tastes... are a little on the fucked up side, but hey, there's plenty of bastards out there far worse than him.

One day he discovers she has social media platforms. He... Doesn't really have any. He doesn't have Twitter or Instagram or any of that but... He downloads the app and makes an account for each. Just to follow her. Ooh, they even have the option to get a notification every time she posts... That's good. Otherwise he might check too frequently. He sets a special sound effect for notifications for her socials. The first few times, you see, he would get super excited when his phone went off, only to be disappointed when it was just a work email. Thus, he made the separate sounds.

He wouldn't say he has a favorite, that sounds really cringey you know? He just... Likes her more than the others. ...Dammit, that's what a favorite is. Ok, maybe he has a favorite, that's not that bad. He's not obsessed. He hasn't bought any merchandise at all or anything, especially not member-specific merchandise. Which they do have, because he visited the store page for a while and spent all his willpower physically restraining himself from buying something. It's not that he's biased, he just thinks she's objectively better than the rest of the group. Which can be backed up with evidence, anyone with eyes could tell by watching the performances.

As to what specifically draws him to her... he's not certain, to be honest. Maybe it's because she's the least appreciated out of the group, new and all. The less popular one. Or maybe her personality... She seems so sweet, even though he knows it's probably just an act for the fans. Or maybe just those thighs. That's also a valid possibility.

He cracks and buys some of the merchandise. Only about $300 worth. But honestly, he gets more invested into just printing out pictures of you. Pasting them onto the wall above his desktop. It keeps him going when the nights are hard.

But he refrains from ever commenting on anything. Some of these losers are just... so embarrassing, he can't stomach the thought of being associated, even if it's just an anonymous comment online. It's still pretty... Distasteful. He still browses the boards every day. You're his lock screen now. And home screen. And also your solo is his ringtone. He only sets his phone on sound when he's alone at home, though, when he's at work he puts it on vibrate. He... doesn't want anyone hearing that. No offense. He has some appropriate amount of shame, unlike the other bastards.

And the girls probably know that most of their fans are these kind of loser men, right? She'd probably be surprised someone nearly graduating with a chemistry doctorate is sitting around watching these dumb videos. Is that more or less pathetic? He thinks less, hopefully.

In fact, the other fans kind of irritate him. They're really cringy and annoying and it gives him secondhand embarrassment. And something... Deeper. Something about seeing the comments upsets him on a visceral level. It's gross. Sure, he's grateful for the dudes who sit around and make a list of timestamps for upskirt shots and the like, but... It kinda bothers him, feeling like there's some other dude out there sitting around, watching these long videos with his gross eyes and recording the times of shots that get him off. It feels gross. But more like... A violation against you. Sure, your group is very blatantly sexualized and intentionally risque in clothing but... Still, it feels wrong for someone to go through and get to see all of that.

Well, someone else. It's ok for him, since he's not a gross degenerate like the rest of them. He does genuinely see himself as... Above them. You know how like, back in the day, how the nobles used to sit around and watch plays from the far back while the peasants gathered around the stage? It's like that. He's not a gross loser or a NEET or anything like that. He's got a life. Well... Not a social life, but he's doing better than them, at least he has a degree, and soon a higher degree, and a job. He has a lot of things they don't. Basic hygiene. Student loan debt. And uh... Well, he's probably more pleasant to interact with, at least he's not gonna be frothing at the mouth like an animal if he saw you in real life. He would certainly freeze up, but that's preferable, isn't it?

And one day there's a video circulating in the idol community - not that he's a part of it or anything, he just keeps getting the dumb videos and watching them for mindless entertainment - where some girl group had an attempted kidnapping. Not her group, but some other group. The video has gone viral. Some dude tried to rush the stage and pull one of the girls away. Apparently the cops found he had an obsession with her.

What an idiot. If you're gonna kidnap someone, put some effort in, jeez. It's not hard to figure out how to do it right.

If that were him, he wouldn't be that stupid, he'd just look for an interval where she's alone. They have those solo or breakout group songs where some of the girls are backstage, just get her then. Memorize the concert schedule, wear something over your face, chloroform her, and stuff her into something and walk right out. Easy.

....

He catches himself in the thought and realizes that might have been a bit creepy, but he was just thinking in terms of hypotheticals. If he was the kind of crazy to do that, that's what he'd do, that's all.

He's always enjoyed entertaining strategic thoughts, really. He's had a couple fantasies about how he would commit murders of this or that person before, and he's never murdered anyone, so thoughts don't lead to actions. He just... Really doesn't like those people, and the fantasies help him... Deal with it. He just likes to strategize about methods, and how he'd get away with it... Stuff like that. Actually, he's convinced it's a very normal thing, but no one wants to admit it. Everyone has detailed murder fantasies every now and then.

Which is why this is no different. He's just strategizing because it's fun. He has no intentions of doing anything for real. He just plans out the details like a game. And tells himself to just never think about it again.

Until one specific night that he's staring down at his screen. Lying in bed. He should be asleep, he needs to be up early tomorrow but... He's just checking to be sure he's reading this correctly. You're coming to his town? He wouldn't think so, since it's not too big, just your average college town. But still, you'll be right here, right in his general vicinity, not far away at all.

Not that he'd ever actually go to such an event. No way. He hates crowds with a passion. He hates loud environments even more. A concert is like his worst nightmare. Besides, knowing the general audience of your group, it'll be a bunch of sweaty NEET dudes who haven't showered in a month and haven't crawled out of their house in even longer. No thank you.

But.

That's when the thought pops back up. It's been a few months since that night he had that strategizing fantasy, and, well, he tried to forget it but... It kinda lingered in the back of his mind. And now it's back in full force.

He shrugs the idea off. It's crazy. He'd never actually do something like that. It was just a fantasy.

...But he could get away with it if he wanted to.

He's not scared or anything, no, he's confident in his strategizing. He knows he could. Totally. It's foolproof. There's no need to carry it out to know that, besides, what would he even do with you?

Well, he's pretty certain he does know what he would do with you. He's watched that thigh video maybe a hundred times now. And even if he won't admit it, he's jerked off to the exact same fantasy for like, several months.

He doesn't really... Think about it. Just kind of slips into subconscious actions. Autopilot. One click and well, there goes $400 on an amp case. His eyes gaze over the dimensions... And then there's your height on the Wikipedia page... Yeah... That should work. He gets it sent to the address a few doors down just in case, and snatches it from in front of their door, but he finds himself backpedaling. What the hell is he doing? He would never actually go through with this, what a waste of money... But he still opens it. Sets it beside his front door. Tests the wheels to make sure they work.

He knows how to make chloroform. He doesn't need YouTube tutorials (unlike a certain someone else), he knows exactly how to do it, even alternate methods besides the usual acetone and bleach combination - so long as you end up with the same chemical makeup, it's all the same. He just goes with the traditional way though... Doesn't really know why he does it. Just mutters as he stares down at the concoction wondering why he wasted his time... But he pauses before pouring it down the sink, and instead puts it in a container and keeps it on the counter. Your weight is on Wikipedia too. Taking into account your height and weight you would need about... Yeah, a very specific amount to knock you out for about three hours.

The concert day draws closer and closer and he can't sleep very well. His mind keeps running what-ifs. Just, hypothetically, what if he did go through with it? What then? What would he do long term? How would that all work out?

Well, you'd probably hate him for a while, right? But that changes. Stockholm syndrome sets in. He would know, he had to take Psych 101 back in undergrad, and the professor talked about it for a full 10 minutes, so he's basically an expert. It's been like, 7 years since then, but he still kinda remembers it. He remembers that it's supposed to set in at about 2 weeks, and solidify with time. If the captor is nice, that is, which he totally would be. ...Maybe not in bed, but most of the time. He would be nice to you, and you would start to like him. Besides, they said Stockholm syndrome set in faster if the abductor has good qualities, so, he could also reason with you, remind you that you're lucky you got abducted by someone with money - or, well, he will have money once he graduates! - and isn't some ugly gross slob. He's clean and neat. Sorta... He'll clean up all those dishes that have been sitting there a few days now, pick up all those clothes off the floor... Ok, now he's clean and neat. And, uh, what else would girls care about... He's smart. He's pretty sure he can say that with confidence, if nothing else.

Ok, so, it would work. He could... Keep you kinda... Tied up here... If you started complying within that two week period, he could get you up and walking before atrophy set in. You'd probably have to get used to the lifestyle... Right now he's kinda on a budget, but, he can get you things to keep you occupied... And so, yeah, it could work. It's simple, just keep you with him and isolated for a few weeks and uh, you'll transform into some kind of hypersexual obedient cumslut and never want to leave. That's... How Stockholm syndrome works right? Maybe he should have paid more attention in that class... Oh well. He never liked psychology.

So the day draws nearer and nearer and he starts really getting into the right... Headspace. It's a sort of manic state that he's in. Operating without really thinking, all inhibitions removed by simply refusing to think about it. He lets the subconscious take over and do all these little things to prepare, until finally that day is tomorrow. And then he kinda snaps back to full awareness and questions, again, what the hell is he doing? He can't just... Kidnap a person! Normal people don't do that... It's illegal, he'll get caught, it'll ruin his life and....

What life does he really have to ruin?

That's the thought that sort of solidifies the decision. He realizes why he's even on this path in the first place. Sure he's got a lot of academic accomplishments, but his life is... Rather empty. He doesn't really have anyone. Maybe that's why he's slowly become... Consumed by this obsession that yes, he's now willing to admit to himself is indeed an obsession. It's kinda slowly taken over his everyday life without him even noticing it was happening. He's... Kinda miserable. And very lonely. And... If nothing else... This one girl makes him feel kinda happy.

... Which is why he's going to go through with it.

And he slips back into autopilot, ends up standing outside the building. It's every bit as loud and headache-inducing as he knew it would be. Ugh. He can't wait to get out of here. If this doesn't work, well, he'll be forced to turn around. The plan is a very simple one, actually... Act like he's supposed to be there. And he does. Dresses in all black like stage technicians do, dragging his big amp case behind him, holding a bunch of cords from random things he grabbed in his house, and tries not to look nervous, keeps a neutral face and walks straight forward and... He slides right in. The security guards off to the side don't even bat an eye.

And then he has a moment of "well, I didn't expect to get this far." Pauses. So uh... what now? Well, probably should find you first. He memorized the setlist, so he knows when you'll be off... And alone. Right now there should be three of the girls backstage. It's pretty easy to find where you are, but he's paranoid that the amp case is too loud as he's dragging it around. It's necessary, though. And then, finally, he stumbles upon the room... Opens the door, half expecting to be immediately stopped, but... He can just kinda waltz right in here, some open backroom, a person here or there coming through, a lady that looks like a makeup artist doing something over there, and an actual, real tech guy over there... And over to the far back corner... Oh. That's you. He takes a moment to revel in the sight, unable to move or even breathe, and has to mentally prepare himself before moving forward. He's... Not sure exactly what to do at this point... It's kind of perfect, to be honest, there's no one around you, and you're right out of sight, where he could turn the corner and not be seen. But he's not sure how to... Approach? He thinks about it as he walks, but again, autopilot is on in his brain and he's just numbly walking forward. Does he just... Keep walking until he's right at you and just... Or...?

And a miracle happens. You hear someone coming and you turn and smile and ask are you the tech guy here to fix my mic? You point to the little microphone attached to your face. They told you someone would be coming to fix it before your next song. You presume that's him, since he's dressed in all black like all the other stage techs. He hesitates a moment, wide eyed, but then nods. Yeah, that's him, he says. His voice cracks when he says it. It's kinda cute.

You smile at him. It's wide and sweet and genuine and it almost makes him pass out on the spot. He has to swallow for a second before continuing.

But, uh, he can't do it right here he says, because fiddling with it could disrupt the uh, frequencies, cause that really shrill sound you hear sometimes. So, um, come over this way a sec, over in this dark corner of the studio conveniently out of the view of all people and security cameras. You don't know how any of that stuff works, so you trust him, it's his job after all. So you get up and straighten your little skirt out - wow those are even more revealing in person - and walk over it the dark corner where he's waiting and... it's the last thing you remember.

He does a quick look left and right to ensure no one saw you collapse in his arms, but sure enough, this area is empty. You fit into the amp case with ease. Just curl your body up and pop the lid on. Wait, can you... breathe in there? Well, it won't take long to get outside. He just rolls the case right out the door, right past the guards again, and no one stops him, no one suspects a thing. Puts the case in the backseat, opens the lid, does a quick check go make sure you're breathing alright. So he props it open by keeping a book in between the case and lid as he drives home.

Once he does get home, he just does the same thing he did before - close the lid, roll you into the elevator and up the stairs and into his place, looking back over his shoulder over and over. And once he gets you inside he just kinda... falls to his knees. Shivering. Disbelief. Because holy shit he actually did it. He actually went through with it and it worked. He sits there and stares at the case and - oh, fuck, gotta open it again for you to breathe. Actually, he might as well... take you out... when he first shoved you in, he was so high on adrenaline he didn't really process any of it, but now... he almost can't bring himself to take you out. That means he has to, like, touch you. He's gotta take a moment to mentally prepare for that. So he does. Deep breaths. And finally, with trembling hands, pulls you out, carries you on shakey legs over to the bed and sets you down.

You know, you're a lot... Smaller... Than you looked on screen. Sure, he knew your height and weight but... somehow you still seem so much smaller than he expected. That's good. Will make everything a lot easier, since you're easier to restrain. And your thighs. They're... so soft. This is so much better than the video. They're so... fleshy and warm in person. Perfect. And wow, that skirt thing is... scratchy. Actually, up close, that whole outfit thing you wear looks super uncomfortable. It probably is. ...Well, guess he now has a reason to take it off.

The rest of your skin is... also fleshy and soft. Warm. Your face... chest... stomach... everything. Your tits are really cute, too. It occurs to him that all those rabid commenters on all those boards and videos would probably kill to be him right now, pinching and squeezing at your nipples. He's seeing something they will never see. It gives him an ego boost, to be honest, makes him feel proud to get a sort of one-up on them. He gets you naked, but refrains from pulling your legs apart. He probably... wouldn't be able to control himself, and he's aiming for some self-control right now.

So he waits. Breathes deep. Restrains himself with every ounce of willpower he has. It occurs to him he has no fucking clue what he's gonna say to you. Unfortunately, that thought occurs to him as you're starting to twitch and mumble, so, he doesn't have too much time to think. Oh, fuck, you're not restrained... well, he bought some duct tape and handcuffs and blindfolds off of amazon too, so he quickly puts those in place as you're starting to wake up, and then finally, you come to full consciousness -- that telltale jerking at the restraints, the muffled little cry of confusion and fear. It's kinda hot to be honest. Well, fuck, very hot actually. You're so scared. It gives him a rush of power. Said rush goes straight to his dick.

He's got a mixed twist of guilt and arousal at the whole thing, but... he's still trying to have some self control... and if you start begging and pleading and crying, it would be too much. Oh, no, not that it would be too much in terms of guilt, no no, just that he wouldn't be able to stop himself from fucking you if he sees you cry. So he leaves the restraints on for now, so he can't see your face emote.

Then, he does something really, really mean. He knows it's cruel, honestly, it's just... so cute. What that is, is that he does nothing. Says nothing. He goes about his work, typing away, knowing you can hear, but doesn't say a word. He knows you're awake, he just wants to see how long you can sit there scared out of your mind before you finally make another noise to draw his attention. Right now, he thinks, you're probably debating, you're probably questioning whether you should keep quiet and make him think you're still out or make a noise... but eventually you will. He can see you trembling. You're probably thinking so many horrible things right now, wondering what will happen, what he'll do to you... it fills him with a sort of sadistic glee that overrides the guilt it comes along with. Sure, the guilt is there, but fuck, he could almost cum just watching you shiver, and that's more important.

And you finally make a noise. A little whimper. He stops typing, and swears he sees you tense when he does. And when he stands up, walks over to you (making sure to stomp hard and walk slow for extra effect, watching the way you curl in on yourself with each step he takes), and stops right in front of you. Finally, tells you not to scream. He's gonna give you water, ok? You nod. And, surprisingly, you don't make any move to scream or anything, you let him give it to you. You don't move a muscle besides your shaking and sucking the straw and swallowing the water. You must be really scared of him. He knows that's technically not what he should want, but... it feels nice.

He spent that time of silence coming up with what to say to you. He says that for now, you're going to stay right here. Don't ask questions. Don't make any attempt to escape. If you really need something, tap the headboard until he hears. Understand?

You're... Surprisingly receptive. You give a twitchy smile and stammer out an o-okay. He's almost pleased, but quickly realizes what you're doing.

You've been trained for this, you see. This kind of thing is attempted rather frequently in the industry. You received training for this situation - comply, don't fight, prioritize your safety, because in 99% of these cases, the missing idol is found and recovered within 48 hours. So you do what you were told to do -- smile, pretend you're ok with it, don't do anything to anger your captor.

He knows that too. He doesn't do much in that 48 hours, in fact, he even tells you he's waiting to "see what happens." He knows he can't control himself very well, so he stays in his living room for the most part and works on research, it might be pointless if he's in jail a few hours from now, but oh well. Sleeps on his couch. He offers to feed you, but you say you don't feel good. He understands.

See, in his mind, if he gets to fuck you once or twice and then be hauled off to prison and never touch you again, well, that would be actual, literal torture, so much so that never fucking you at all would be more bearable. So that's why he forces himself to wait now. He feels like he can't breathe, he's so nervous, like any moment police are going to come knocking on his door. Every little sound makes him jump. He can't sleep.

But 48 hours pass and... nothing happens.

He breathes a bit easier. Finally dares to go online, which he's been avoiding, and check on your situation... Oh, wow, social media has exploded over your disappearance. But... They have no leads. Nothing. Says she basically vanished out of thin air. Situation is, quote, "looking hopeless." Huh. He did an even better job than he thought he did. There's videos from loved ones begging the captor to let the girl go, offering to give him money even. A lot of money. But, you're more valuable than any monetary measurements could ever conceive. And he's happy. It really worked out. Everything went right, and for once, he has something that really, really makes him happy.

Likewise, the 48 hours are even more torturous for you. You start out telling yourself it'll be fine. Hopeful. But that hope in your chest slowly, gradually dies out as you realize you've hit the 48-hour mark. Even for a normal missing person, you've always heard that if they don't find them within 48 hours... the chances of ever finding them goes down significantly. But, that's because they're usually dead, right? And this guy won't kill you, so, your chances are better, right...?

He comes back after that 48 hours and finally, for the first time since you woke up, crawls onto the bed, touches you, grabs your hips with his hands. Tells you that, well, they haven't found anything yet and it looks like they aren't going to, so you're officially his now, and he's no longer worried. You should accept it. It'll make things easier for both of you if you do. You'll get adjusted in no time, you'll see.

Unsurprisingly, you're a bit less compliant than you were when you had hope. You whimper and and struggle, but it's really weak. So much so it's cute. You ask who he is. No one important, he says. Just... A fan of yours. You can hear clothes shuffling. He doesn't waste time, he's already waited two whole days suffering, so he gets his dick in you pretty quickly. Manages to make you cum. It horrifies you and kinda surprises him too to be honest. You must kinda like pain, huh. Well, that works out well.

As time goes on, what hope you had left dies completely. Weeks pass. You realize they're not coming for you. In an attempt to get you to accept it, he even shows you that you've been replaced. They're rather quick to fix the absence. They have a new girl in your spot by the end of the month. He quickly realizes maybe he shouldn't have told you, from the way your face falls and you get all hysterical. Sorry. It's the way the industry is. Don't worry. She's not even half as cute as you.

He shows you the announcement when they close the investigation, too. This also earns a rather hysterical response, but he thinks it's important you see it, so you can finally come to terms with your fate, the way things were always meant to turn out. He gets a bit frustrated. Just accept it. It's not that hard. The sooner you do, the happier you'll be. It's for your own good that you accept it.

And you do. Try as you might. You begin to make conversation. He's the only source of interaction you have. You learn about him and his life. You become invested in it. You start to cum more easily. When he's sitting on the opposite side of the bed typing away, you find yourself slowly wiggling your way over and pressing yourself against the warmth, and he certainly doesn't mind. You ask him about his research just to hear a voice talk.

And sometimes you sing. It's absent minded, soft and quiet, when you have nothing else to do. He likes that a lot. You get sweeter. Nicer. Fight less. It does take a bit longer than two weeks to set in fully. But it does in the end.

He can't be with you 24/7, as much as he would like to be, so sometimes he has to tell you to just hang on a little while. Be good and sit still for just a bit. He'll be back soon. Just give him an hour. You're just really distracting and, well, his progress report is due tomorrow morning.

And you keep getting upset over the new member, bring it up a lot... It must have really bothered you, huh. Well, don't feel bad about being replaced. To him, nothing could ever replace you... you're still his favorite.

[not-close-to-straight]

Jammie Horny (Stony)

I tried to just make this horny and not romantic, but Stony deserves romance and that’s just the truth. 

THERES MORE STONY ON MY MASTERLIST!

***********

It was cold today and cold days meant fires in the wood stove even though the compound had a state of the art heating system and warming floors and individual thermostats in every room.

No, cold days called for cozy blankets and slippered feet, team members huddled together in the recliners with hot chocolate, the wood stove roaring and maaaaaybe even s’mores because hey, a fire was a fire and roasted marshmallows were a necessity.

“Gimme.” A tiny foot lashed out from beneath the pile of blankets on the chair closest the fire and kicked at Clint’s elbow. “Gimme s’mores.” 

“Ladies and gentlemen, let the record show the fierce Black Widow hates being cold.” Clint rubbed his elbow and scowled at the red hair and green eyes peeking out above the heavy quilts. “Make your own s’mores!” 

“I will cut you!” Natasha hissed, and as Sam walked by with another bag of marshmallows he flattened his palm to her head and squashed her down into the blankets, grinning over her offended shriek. 

“Easy does it, Ms. Romanoff. We’re all cold and we all want marshmallows. Wait your turn.” 

Some words that were both Russian and pissed off, and Sam turned wide eyes to Clint. “Alright, maybe we make Nat some s’mores. Damn.” 

“On it.” 

Clint went back to toasting marshmallows, Sam felt around beneath the blankets and dragged a shrieking Natasha out by her ankle to sit on his lap, and the resulting noise drew the rest of the team into the common area. 

First came Bucky, the super soldiers only mildly affected by the weather and sporting long sleeves in contrast to Pepper’s overly fluffy robe and slippers. He scooped the pretty redhead up into his arms and deposited her carefully on the nearest couch, tucked a blanket up over her thighs and got a kiss on the cheek for his efforts, which made the former Winter Soldier’s grin get far too fucking goofy. 

Thor was never cold, but he was wearing a long sleeve cable knit sweater because he knew he looked excellent in it. Bruce was also wearing a long sleeve cable knit sweater that was at least two sizes too big and turned his hands into sweater paws and Clint rolled his eyes a little when Thor picked up Bruce’s paw and pressed it over his own heart, rumbling something sweet and probably sappy to his love. Bruce smiled and turned a little pink and smoothed the fabric down over Thor’s unfairly perky pecs and even Natasha let out a begrudging awwww over the scene. 

Steve made it in after everybody else had already settled, pausing in the door way and straightening the line of his favorite dark blue sweater, surreptitiously glancing down at his new jeans to make sure they were appropriately flattering, and then looking real quick at all the seats to see if Tony was there yet.

"He’s not here!” Sam said loudly, and Steve jumped, turned bright red. “Tony’s not here yet! Stop standing in the doorway and strategically flashing your package and get your ass in here!” 

The team erupted into laughter and Steve fought against a scowl as he stomped in and threw himself into one of the free recliners, snapping open the newspaper and holding it high to hide his blush. 

“Aw, don’t look so sad, Cap.” Clint presented a perfectly toasted s’more to Natasha and then curled into Sam’s side to stay warm, resting his hand on Nat’s thigh and dropping a kiss on Sam’s cheek. “You know how Tony and Colonel Rhodes get when they go on vacation. We’ll be lucky if Tony comes back before New Years at this rate.” 

“Can confirm.” Pepper shifted closer to Bucky on the couch and hooked just their pinkies together. “One year they went to Vegas for Tony’s birthday and I didn’t see him again until the Fourth of July when he flew in from Paris. For the life of me I can’t figure out how a week’s vacation in Vegas turned into a trip overseas, but he spoke solid French for a month. This time they went to Hawaii, so I have no clue when--” 

“A yoo-hoo!” A voice from the entry way, the sound of running feet and less than a minute later Tony came skidding into the living room holding a giant thermos of hot chocolate, wearing a just beaming smile--

--and the single most ridiculous pajamas any of them had ever seen. 

“Uhhhh hey bud.” Bucky was the first to speak, because everyone else was just staring and Pepper had both hands over her mouth so she wouldn’t shriek with laughter. “What-- what’cha got there?” 

“Hot chocolate!” Tony held up the thermos and his smile stretched even wider. “It was cold today so I knew you guys would be down here! I’m ready for s’mores!” 

“Welcome home, Tony.” Natasha elbowed Sam when he snorted a laugh. “Cute jammies.” 

“I know!” Tony set his hot chocolate down and shoved his hands into the pockets. “They have pockets! I got them in the airport!” 

“Adorable!” Thor boomed, and Clint admitted, “Yeah, you look real fucking adorable, Tony. Black and red flannel onesie jammies definitely don’t make you look like a lumberjack groupie.” 

“Definitely not like a lumberjack groupie.” Sam was quick to agree and Bruce pushed his glasses up his nose and sighed, “Oh Tony, you sort of look like a lumberjack groupie.” 

“Jealous.” Tony snarked good naturedly, took a big slurp of his hot chocolate then turned a softer but no less enthusiastic smile towards Steve. “Uh hey. Hey Cap.” 

“Tony.” Steve hadn’t so much as reacted to Tony’s jammies as he had held the newspaper higher to hide his face and gripped it tight enough that the edges were starting to tear between his fingers. “Welcome home.” 

“...thanks.” Tony’s smile dimmed, and the group exchanged uncomfortable looks. “You look good. I like that sweater. Did you get new jeans?” 

“Yes.” Steve stood abruptly, tossed the newspaper away and strode from the room with fists clenched at his sides, jaw set and eyes blazing, practically stomping past Tony and slamming the door to the compound on his way out into the yard. 

“Fuckin’ yikes.” Bucky muttered, and Pepper immediately snapped her fingers, made room on the couch next to her and told Tony, “Come here and tell me about your vacation with Rhodey. How was Hawaii?” 

“No no.” Clint cut in. “No no, I want to know what just happened with Cap and Tony. I thought you were two were just a few steps from canoodling before your vacation. What happened? Why is he mad at you?” 

“I don’t know.” Tony slumped onto the couch next to Pepper and took another sip of his hot chocolate. “We texted almost every day I was out with Rhodey and he said he was looking forward to seeing me when I got home today. I don’t know what happened.” 

“He told me you two kissed right before he left.” Sam said over a mouthful of graham crackers. “True?” 

“Yeah.” Tony’s cheeks turned just lightly pink. “Yeah we did.” 

“Good kiss?” Natasha asked and Bucky chuckled, “It’s Steve, Nat. He kisses like a grandma.” 

“It was a perfectly nice kiss!” Tony defended and Bruce laughed when Thor muttered, “Aye, like a grandmother’s kiss.” 

“I’m sure it’s nothing.” Pepper soothed Tony with a light hand on his knee. “It can be awkward to see someone you like after being apart for a while and Lord knows Steve isn’t exactly great at expressing his feelings. Give him a little bit and I’m sure he’ll come talk to you.” 

“Kay.” Tony pulled the hood of his jammies up over his head and settled back into the comfortable couch. “Catch me up on what happened when I was gone. Also, remind me to show you the picture of Sourpatch in a coconut bra.” 

Pepper started listing off everything that had happened while Tony was on vacation, and while she was mid talking about the latest at Stark Industries, Bucky tapped Tony on the shoulder and whispered, “Don’t think too much about Steve, Tony. He’s real emotionally constipated, but don’t worry, he’ll come around.” 

Tony just smiled and tried hard to ignore the wiggle of uncertainty in his heart. 

Everything was fine. 

Steve would come around. 

**************

**************

“Hey, what’s Cap doing?” 

Another cold day later that same week, another gathering around the wood stove and easy conversation, another appearance of Tony’s flannel jammies and another abrupt disappearance by Steve. 

This was the fourth get away in just as many days, Steve basically dropping whatever he was holding and all but running from the room, usually not making an appearance until after breakfast the next day. Any conversation with the Captain dwindled to about nothing, he was skipping movie nights and avoiding meals and any texts or calls to his phone had been met with radio silence. 

The behavior had been noticed by everyone, especially by Tony who had just been getting ready to sit next to Steve with a bowl of popcorn when the blond had bolted from the room, and Natasha swore something furious under her breath when Tony’s entire expression crumbled in confusion. 

“I will cut him!” she snapped and Clint hooked his arm around her waist to keep her from leaving. 

“Maybe we don’t go all stabby on an All American Hero.” he said calmly. “We don’t know what’s going with Steve or why Tony is so sad right now, but I don’t think getting blood on the carpet is the way to find out.” 

“It works with everyone else.” Natasha sniffed and Clint just laughed and kissed her. “I’m just saying, it’s been five days since Tony got home and Steve is making it awkwardly obvious he doesn’t want anything to do with him. If I have to watch Tony go all big eyed and heart broken and hide away in his hoodie one more time I’m going to scream.” 

“Hey, do you guys know what Steve’s doing?” Sam ambled in, had a kiss for his girlfriend and his boyfriend, then inclined his head out the window. “I thought maybe Bruce asked him to chop some wood, but I’m pretty sure that requires ax.” 

“What do you mean it requires a--” Clint’s jaw dropped as he looked out the window. “Wait. What is he doing? Is he-- is he punching logs? That’s not how you chop firewood!” 

“Steve’s punching logs?” Bruce had to stand on his toes to see over Sam’s shoulders. “Oh good lord, look at him go.” 

“Steve!” Sam pushed the window open and whistled sharply for the blond. “Steve! We need actual logs, not just kindling! Take ten to twenty percent off the top there, bud!” 

Steve just looked up and scowled at them, then tore a log in half with his bare hands, chucked the pieces towards the wheelbarrow and kept right on going. 

“That had no business being so sexy.” Natasha muttered, and Clint made an offended noise. “Oh please, Clint. When you can tear logs in half and make your tiddies jump like that, we can revisit the conversation.” 

“I can make my tiddies jump.” Sam defended and Bruce put both hands up and announced, “I’m slowly backing away from this conversation before it gets weird.” 

“You know....” Natasha tapped at her bottom lip thoughtfully. “Steve’s whole obsession with obliterating our fire wood supply started the day Tony came back from his trip right?” 

“Right.” 

“And Tony swears they were okay before the trip?” 

“Right.” 

“Soooo....” the fearsome redhead narrowed her eyes when Steve did another one of those jaw dropping tiddy jumping rips on a round of oak. “So what else happened that day that would explain why Steve has gone berserker on the wood pile?” 

There was silence as the group thought it through, and Thor-- who had somehow managed to sneak up on them despite his bulk-- cleared his throat and announced, “Tis simple! The Captain is simply aroused by Anthony’s sleep frock!” 

“....” 

“...”

“...uh...” Clint scratched at his head. “Aroused by-- wait, are you saying Steve is horny for Tony’s jammies?!” 

“Exactly! He cannot handle the sight of his paramour in flannel!” 

“Oh my god.” Sam’s eyes widened. “Oh my god, Steve is jammie horny.” 

“Stevie is what horny?” Bucky ambled up towards the window and slung a friendly arm around Sam’s shoulders. “Horny for Tony’s flannel? Oh yeah, been there, knew that.” 

“WHAT?!” 

“Gimme a break, the guy turns bright red and gets all stiff legged walkin’ whenever Tony shows up in those things.” Bucky scoffed. “Then either disappears into his bedroom for hours or goes out and does whatever th’fuck this thing is. Can he go to jail for abusing his wood like that--” 

--Natasha screamed in laughter--

“--or should we just be glad for the extra kindling?” Bucky finished with a snarky grin and from clear across the room Bruce breathed out a sigh of relief that he’d gotten away from the conversation before it took that particular turn. 

“Wait wait wait, I think we need to go through the appropriate scientific process on this.” Clint’s grin was damn near evil. “We’ve made a hypothesis, now we need to observe and gather proof, and then draw our results from the information.” 

Bucky slanted Sam a look, and he supplied, “Apparently Tasha loves Bill Nye the Science Guy so they watch it together while I run in the morning.” 

“Got it.” Bucky nodded. “Alright then. Scientific process. Any ideas?” 

“JARVIS!” Natasha looked up at the ceiling expectantly. “Could we keep the compound at a cool fifty five degrees so Tony has to live in those jammies for a while?” 

“Anything for you, Ms. Romanoff.” 

Natasha grinned and Thor lowered his voice to ask Sam, “Is even AI scared of our ballerina?” 

“Eh. Probably.” 

*************

*************

For three solid days the compound stayed at a horrifyingly chilly fifty five degrees, and for three solid days Tony lived in his jammies. 

He wore them with knee high slipper boots and crunched through the snow on the porch to toss seeds and things out for the tree squirrels that hadn’t hibernated for the winter yet. 

He put his hood up and sunglasses on so only his smile was visible in a selfie for one of the social media sites that posted a Daily Picture of Tony Stark. He thought it was hilarious to submit real photos to their archive and judging by the hundreds of notifications on his phone, apparently they loved his flannel look. 

He wore them while playing chess with Bruce, his hair fluffed up to extraordinary heights while he thought each move through, his pockets full of endless candy canes because someone (Clint) kept giving him more because the look on Steve’s face while Tony sucked and licked and mmhmm!ed his way through yet another sweet treat was honestly hilarious. 

One day Tony didn’t wear them only because they were in the wash, and that day the entire team was treated to the sight of Tony curled up in one of Thor’s robes, the hem dragging the floor, the tie wrapped twice around his waist, the arms hanging six inches past Tony’s fingers and the collar ruffed around his neck until all that was left of the mighty mighty Iron Man was fluffy hair, bright eyes and a smile that crinkled up his cheeks. 

Steve walked into a wall that day on his way to be horny angry with the woodpile and Natasha air-fived with Thor because the entire thing had been a wonderful success. 

“Steve?” Today was another jammie day, another day of Steve attempting to bruise his knuckles Hulk-smashing through the wood pile, another day of Tony with his hood on and toes toasty in slippers and hands in his pockets as he rocked back on his heels and cleared his throat shyly. “Hey uh-- could we talk?” 

“Tony.” Steve didn’t so much as blink, staring down at his crossword puzzle hard enough to just about burn holes through it. “What’s on your mind?” 

“Well-ll-ll--” Tony inched closer, pushed his hood off his hair and blinked earnestly at the soldier. “Well, this is a little awkward cos things have been really awkward lately but I was hoping maybe you could tell me what’s going on with us.” 

Steve’s back went ram rod straight, his shoulders tense and stubborn and Tony gulped a little, played nervously with the pom-poms at the ties of his hood. 

“I just uh-- you know, we kissed before I went to Hawaii with Rhodey.” Tony rubbed at his hair sheepishly. “And it was a good kiss. Maybe a little more chaste and good ol’ boy-ish than I would have preferred but hey, I’ll take what I can get.” 

“Tony.” Steve bit out and Tony rushed on before the Captain could interrupt. 

“The thing is, ever since I came back from hanging out with Rhodey you’ve been distant.” He blurted out quickly. “And I mean-- I called you? And I texted you and I even sent you one of those dumb memes that you and Bucky always laugh at and you didn’t even read them! You left me on unread, Steve!” 

“Tony, it’s just--” 

“I just want to know if I did something.” Tony hurried to finish. “Because we’re adults and adults communicate and I realize it’s dumb to call myself an adult when I’m wearing feetie jammies but seriously, Spangles. Seriously we could have something good here and I’m not going to let it go because you got all weirdly obsessed with chopping wood and don’t want to talk to me. Talk to me.” 

“You want me to talk to you.” Steve put his pen down very slowly, lay it at a perfect ninety degree angle from his crossword puzzle, tilted and adjusted the page so it lay impeccably lined up with the edge of the table, took a sip of water and cleared his throat and then put his cup right back where it had been sitting before so not a single drop of condensation was out of place. “Okay. Let’s talk.” 

“Great.” Tony made a whew motion over his forehead. “Okay great. Steve listen, all I want to know is--” 

“Those jammies make me insane.” Steve interrupted, and Tony only had time for a startled glmphhh?! noise before he was grabbed by the front of his jammies and yanked forward into a kiss that was neither chaste nor good ol’ boyish in the least. 

“You are so goddamn cute.” Steve cursed, clutching the endlessly soft material up tighter, nipping and nibbling coaxingly at Tony’s mouth so the pretty brunette would open up and let him in. 

“Right here.” Practically a growl, Steve clutching Tony up even tighter and kissing him harder, shoving his tongue past Tony’s pliant lips and deep inside his mouth to lick and thrust with the sort of moan that most people only ever heard in nekkid movies. 

“Come here, right here.” Two big hands found their way to Tony’s ass, planted one on each cheek and used the more than generous leverage to haul Tony up onto his tip toes to drive the kiss deeper, wetter. Tony whined eagerly and Steve swept over the hood and yanked it off so he could sink his fingers into the thick curls and tilt Tony’s head just right. 

“Christ, I love you in this.” Steve mumbled, and Tony made another one of those hnnnngh! sighs when the blond latched on to his neck. “God Tony, you’re so fucking cute, it’s making me insane.” 

“C--Cute?” Tony couldn’t hardly speak when Steve was leaving kitten licks and tiny nibbles down his throat to the curve where shoulder met neck, mouthing a bruise over his pulse digging his teeth into the sensitive skin. “Steve what-- what--” 

“C’mere, babydoll, c’mon.” Steve fit a thick thigh between Tony’s knees and rocked into him purposefully, and when the stars and stripes and freaking bells and whistles cleared from Tony’s vision, he finally realized-- 

“Wait.” He put a hand to Steve’s chest, gratified and wholly smitten when Cap immediately leaned away and tipped his chin up to see what was wrong. “Wait. Listen, I’m one hundred percent on board with what’s happening right now, but I gotta clear something up.” 

“What is it?” Steve swept his fingers over Tony’s jaw, down his neck and around to his back, hooked his arm around Tony’s waist and settled him tighter against his body. “What do you need to know, Tony?” 

“...do my jammies make you horny?” Tony asked quietly, seriously. “Steve. Look me in the eye. Do my jammies. Make you horny.” 

There was nothing but pure adoration in Tony’s eyes, pure adoration and sparkling hilarity, and Steve wet his lips sheepishly... and nodded. 

“Yeah. Yeah, Tony. These jammies-- the whole flannel thing and the way you hide candy in your pockets and this hood-- it makes me crazy.” 

“So...” Tony was fighting against a smile, a blush rising in his cheeks. “So when you go out and get all aggressive with the wood pile?” 

“It was either that or push you up against the wall and tear the jammies off you.” Steve confessed, grip tight at Tony’s hips as he rocked into him once, twice, approximately nine inches of All American Beef burning hot against Tony’s waist. “And since we hadn’t done nothin’ but kiss before now, I didn’t want to assume too much too soon.” 

“You’re such a gentleman.” Tony breathed and Steve grinned, “Shucks Tony, I usually try to be more of a gentleman than this.” 

“Nah, I’m on board with this. Totally on board with you being jammie horny for me.” Tony said confidently, and threw his arms back around Steve’s neck. “Bed?” 

“Bed.” 

“Do you want to take these things off me?” Tony wrinkled his nose teasingly and Steve dropped a kiss on it. “Or would you rather me do a rather flannel-y strip tease?” 

“Oh sweetheart.” Steve’s voice went low and dark and wanting, fingers tracking along the seam of the jammies over Tony’s ass and pulling hard enough to make Tony shriek. “Leave them on.” 

*******

Later, when Tony was face down on the bed and still moaning, when Steve was rubbing slow circles on his bare butt and smiling in satisfaction over the still red hand print from where he’d spanked Tony just enough to see that ridiculous booty jiggle--

Later, Tony wriggled and hummed and lifted his butt up into Steve’s palm a little more and asked, “Steve. Did you have to tear the ass of my jammies? I feel like you could have just taken them off of me.” 

“Oh.” Steve turned scarlet to the tip of his ears. “Sorry about that, honey. I guess I got carried away. Could we stitch them back together?” 

“It’s not like it’s a dick sized hole you tore.” Tony said dryly. “My entire butt is on display right now.” 

“Yeah....yeah I know.” Steve couldn’t help another satisfied smile. “I see it.” 

“You are decidedly less of a good ol’ boy than I thought.” Tony sighed happily when Steve leaned over and kissed behind his ear and down his neck. “I’m not complaining, I’m just surprised.” 

“I dunno where all the stories about me being a good ol’ boy came from.” Steve smoothed his hand down Tony’s back and went right back to his butt, kneading at the tempting curve eagerly. “I’m just mildly polite, but all bets are off when I want someone as bad as I’ve wanted you for so long. Captain America might be an American Icon, but I’m still a man, Tony.” 

“Yeah.” Tony turned on the pillow so he could offer Steve a sort of shy smile. “And one I’m fairly crazy about.” 

“You crazy about me, sweetheart?” Steve rolled on his side and snugged Tony up into him, tangling their legs and holding him close. “I’m crazy about you too.” 

“Good.” Tony twirled one of the hoodie strings through his fingers, squeezing at the pom pom idly. “We could get you a pair of these jammies, you know. I bet you look great in flannel.” 

“Absolutely not.” Steve said flatly. “I am not wearing one piece feetie jammies, Tony. I’ll leave that sorta adorableness to you.” and then curiously, “Why did you even buy these? I’ve seen you buy Versace silk pajamas, what’s with the flannel.” 

“They keep me warm.” Tony inched in tighter and wrapped both arms around Steve’s waist. “It’s like a giant hug. Also, I feel like a bear when I put the hood up and steal cookies from Bruce. It’s amazing.” 

“I’d sure like to keep you warm.” Steve murmured, bumping their noses gently. “I wanna hold you forever, Tony.” 

“Cos of the jammies?” 

“No.” Steve tipped Tony’s chin up and kissed him soft and sweet and slow. “Cos of you.” 

“But the jammies help?” Tony teased and Steve blushed all over again. “Which is why you totally ruined this pair--” 

“--sorry, honey.” 

“--but don’t worry, cos I bought one of those old fashioned pairs with buttons on the butt for easy access. It says ‘bear cheeks’ on my ass.” 

“Oh my god, Tony.” Steve groaned out loud and jerked forward, grinding his suddenly re-interested cock into Tony’s thigh. “You’re killing me.” 

Tony just laughed through another kiss and booped Steve on the nose with one of the pom poms. “Yay for cold days and you being horny for my jammies.” 

****************

Fic Notes: Tony’s jammies are my jammies, I have them in black and white, blue and white and red and black and I have been living in them for a solid week. Best. Purchase. Ever. 

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SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL AUTHOR! (and her new jammies) 

***************

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[13th-hour-reverie]

So I wrote a DP fan-fiction when I was like 12

It will never see the light of day again-

BUT.

I had some weirdly fun ideas, as a kid?? And I’m not even sure if they’d translate to the teen/kid-audiences of today. (But I know there will be people here to appreciate it.)

I think it was all the 90s buzz around how, “TV and your computer screen will radioactively melt your brain,” or whatever. There was this massive campaign for scare-ads that went out, to keep parents from letting their teens use electronics.

The entire plot revolved around Vlad coming back to Earth (I said I had good ideas, not that I was clever) and wanting to take over the world through the use of...an army of mildly brainwashed teen-halfas that were bribed to do his bidding. He had to hide his identity, and lived underground or in the ‘net in some way. (Better than being left to wander the solar system?)

At the time, I think I knew that kids could be given the power to do whatever they wanted, and if threatened with losing that freedom, would work pretty hard to keep it. Not to mention...how much havoc a couple super-powered teens could actually wreak.

So...if you wanted to “offer” kids world-wide a fleeting taste of power, and then use that to bribe them into doing your bidding (in exchange for being given the power again)...how do you deliver “temporary” ghost-powers to the post-pubescent masses?

Simple.

You just use some weird bullshit ghost-virus to make their chunky 1990s/2000s home computer monitors to deliver a blast of ghost-radiation right into their faces! (Ecto-Acne style, but more refined. With powers reminiscent of what we saw in the hospital episode, when everyone caught the “ghost-flu?”)

Being true to the vibe of the late 90s and early 2000s, I think I had it where this ghost would crawl smaller Geocities circles and forums for “obvious” teenagers to spam. They’d send pop-ups directly to the kid’s computer, directly mirroring all the stuff we were told at the time (Don’t put out your personal information, ever! Never click pop-ups! Never download anything!) until a kid got curious enough to click on it.

The result was a beam of green ectoplasm-laced energy to the face, and a kid waking up with a new, bleached ‘do. I barely knew how radiation worked, but in my head, “ghost essence” or whatever had a pretty short half-life. (geddit??) The kid would be allowed to roam around freely for the first few days, their powers would begin to burn out, and then they’d be back to a normal kid after about a week or two.

To get their powers back, they had to start completing weird, but initially-benign looking tasks. Things like...show up at [x] time at [y] place, or deliver a benign package to a specific person. Eventually, once they proved “trustworthy,” they would get stronger and longer blasts of this ‘virus’ to keep their powers for steadily longer periods of time, until they were finally asked to do things that involved breaking the law.

Having this network of halfas was supposed to allow Vlad to make himself known to the public again. Nobody is going to trust him, but if a tenth of the teenagers in every tech-laden city in the world were under his direct control...he may have a shot at taking over the world. And in theory, these kids could be living anywhere. (A revolutionary concept, at the time.)

Needless to say, the main character was a self-insert. But after realizing the families of these ‘influenced’ teens would need to be kept busy, I started having them all collecting in one place under the guise of a mysterious “Summer Camp.” This particular family gets stuck in a storm, lo and behold, they end up in Amity Park, Guess Who, yadda yadda yadda.

The rest was meeting the canon cast, and a handful of kids trickling through town eventually realizing ‘The Kid Who Saved The World’ lived in town. And that, in order to actually stop what was going on, he was gonna need some equally super-powered help, that wasn’t dependent on following directions received via spam e-mail. Because I always thought it was really stupid, how small and under-powered his team felt.

Mind you, if anybody is SOMEHOW magically one of the few who found/read the original one I posted to FF.net way the fuck back when, you’ll probably notice I never actually got that far in what I’d written/posted. But it was the first story I ever re-wrote, did a story skeleton for, and actually tried to “plan out” with “proper writing techniques.” So little ever actually got written/posted.

I think the “moral” in my kid-brain was actually that, if given the choice, someone given PERMANENT ghost-powers would probably not be choosing to help some evil dude take over the world. But that so many people want to feel strong, or special, or do be able to do things that are ‘amazing’...power corrupts. Especially when your powers are dependent on a megalomaniac fruit loop. (Cuz like, c’mon. We all know he’d try again.)

Someone else has probably done this, and probably did it better, but I’ve so missed the DP canon. It didn’t even hit me how outdated some of these concepts were, until I went back through my (15+ year-) old writing. Yikes. If anybody wants to use it/write it better, have at. I’d be really curious to see how this would translate to the current generation of people Danny’s age, or how it would look re-written for 2020 post-Phantom-Planet canon. (Or however else you’d re-write it!)

My early contribution to Ectober, I guess. May participate with some art this year, if I’m able.

[legionofpotatoes]

we decided to watch all story cutscenes from the new resident evil village videogame on a whim, since it’s not really our cup of tea gameplay-wise but seems to be this massive zeitgeist moment that made us morbidly curious. And I know how much everyone cares about my thoughts on things I know very little about, so. let’s get into it huh gamers. and yeah spoilers?

for context, I’ve only played resident evil 4 and a small portion of 5. I also read the wikipedia entry for 7’s plot recently. all this to say I was only vaguely aware of how tonally wacky the series was going in

I also completely gave up following the plot of the mutagens’ soap opera, so that paid off in spades here as you might imagine

anyway so that baby in the intro. that baby’s head is just massive. humongous toddlerdome. when ethan finds the baby’s head in a jar later on. there is no way that head would fit into that jar. bad game design. no not even game design. basic stuff. one hundred years in prison for jar modeler

if I see a single functional hetero marriage in video games I will cry tears of joy. I understand their misery is kind of The Point irt them badly working through the hillbilly romp trauma but like. sheesh. at least set that up as an emotional story goal the plot will help resolve. but nope they start off miserable and it goes nowhere

I know I know the mia thing has a huge wrinkle in it but like. not really in terms of dramatic function?? set up a happy end to the re7 nightmare (miranda can keep up appearances for all she cares) and then take that all away from angry griffin mcelroy for manpain. it will still absolutely work to set up the dramatic forward momentum. why throw in this cliche Hollywood Tension in their marriage if you’re not going to address it oh maybe because it’s normalized as automatically interesting because nuclear families are a self-propagating pit of a very narrow chance at emotional happiness relying on social stigma to preserve their empty function oops my baggage slipped in yikes abort mission

I called him griffin mcelroy because I saw his face on twitter and. yeah. I will continue to do this occasionally. my house my rules

... fuck the reason I’m hung up on this is specifically because the rest of the game is so tonally dexterous (which is a shining point to me! more on that later!), and yet they felt weirdly compelled to create the aesthetic trapping of a family-at-odds trope without following it through too well. a sign of both the good and the bad stuff to come

but listen the real reason why I wanted to talk about any of this is to nitpick the fascinating backwards-engineered nucleus of the entire thing; in that this game essentially creates a melting pot of just SO many disparate horror tropes and then makes a no-holds-barred unhinged effort at weaving thick lore to piece them all together. it is truly a sight to behold. like straight up you got your backwoods fright night situation, your gothic castle vampires, your rural-industrial werewolves, and don’t forget your bloated swamp monsters over there, with then a hard left turn into robotic body horror, and the entire ass subgenre of Creepy Doll writ large, and the bloodborne tentacle monsters, and a hellboy angel bossfight, which rides on the coattails of a mech-on-mech pacific rim bonanza, and just jesus henry christ slow down

almost all of these are textural hijack jobs that don’t really get into the metaphor plain of any of those settings but the game sort-of makes an argument that the texture IS the point and revels in it. It is kind of admirable almost. The same reason why the intro felt boxed in and unmotivated is also why the rest of the game just blasts off of its hinges to the point of complete and self-indulgent tonal abandon. I kinda loved that about it. lady dimitrescu made sure to hold her hat down as she bent forward in mahogany doorways and then suddenly she’s a giant gore dragon and you settle in your temp role as dark souls man with Gun to take her ass down. Excellent??

this rhino rampage impulse to gobble up every horror aesthetic known to man comes to head when the game wrestles with its FPS trappings in what is the most hilarious solution in creating visceral player damage moments. Since most cinematics and the entire game is in first person, that leaves precious little real estate for the devs to work with if they really want to sell griffin’s physical crucible. To wit. This dude’s forearms. Specifically just the forearms. They are MASSACRED throughout the story. The poor man lives out the silent hill dimension of a hand model. by the end cutscene he looks like a neatly dressed desk clerk who had decided to stick both his grabbers into garbage disposal grinders just a few hours prior. like in addition to everything else it manages to rope in that tinge of slapstick violence into its general grievous genre collection except this time it IS for a lack of trying! truly incredible

but wait his miracle clawbacks from everything his poor paws go through are retroactively explained away, yes, but far too vaguely and far too late to console me as I sat and watched everyone’s favorite baby brother reattach an entirely severed hand to his wrist stump by just. placing it on there. and giving it a lil twist ‘n pop terminator-style. and then willing his fingers back into motion right in front of my bulging eyes. this game just does not care. it does not give a shit. and boy howdy will it work to make that into one of its strongest suits

cause generally speaking resident evil was THE premiere vanilla zombie content destinaysh for like a decade, right? and as the rest of the world and mainstream media started encroaching and bloodying its blue ocean it went and just exploded in every single conceivable horror trope direction like a smilodon on catnip. truly, genuinely fascinating franchise moves

yeah the big vampire milf is hot. other news; grass... green. although I do love the implication that her closet is just identical white dresses on a rack. cartoon network-level queen shit

apropos of nothing I’ve said there’s also this hobo dante-devimaycry-magneto man, and I can’t believe this sentence makes sense. anyway he made that “boulder-punching asshole” joke referring to chris redfield and it was probably the only easter egg that really landed for me and boy did it land hard. I have not seen him punch the boulder in re5, mind. I had only heard about how funny it is from friends. and here this dude was, probably in the same exact mindset as me, trying to grapple with that insane mental image. with you on that ian mckellen, loud and clear

I advocate vehemently against the shallow pursuit of hyper photorealism in art direction but I gotta admit it works really in favor of immersive horror like this. the european village shacks especially gave me super unchill flashbacks to my rural countryside retreat in western georgia. I could smell the linoleum dude. not cool

faces are weird in this game. can’t place it. nice textures, good animation, but the modeling template is... uuh strange? and the hair. it has that clustered-flat-clumpy look that harkens to something very specific and unpleasant but I just don’t know what. sue me

griffin’s mental aptitude to take all this shit in stride and end every seemingly traumatizing bossfight involving some fucking eldritch being yet unseen through mortal eyes by essentially throwing out an MCU quip is just. What the fuck dude? I mean that was funny how you casually yelled the f-word at a god damn werewolf that you considered a fairy tale an hour ago but are you like, all right?? it was swinging a sledgehammer the size of a bus at you, ethan

oh oh the vampires are afraid of cold and your last name is winters. I get it haha

Pro Gamer Nitpick: boss fights seemed a bit unnecessarily long?? idk why the youtuber we picked decided the ENTIRE propeller man fight counted towards the vital story scenes he was stitching together, but man mr big daddy lite there really had some get up and go huh??

why are they saying dimitrescu.. like that. is it really how you say that word or is the english language relapsing into its fetish for ending every single word with a consonant at all costs

I’m not saying it’s a dramatic miss of a twist in context of all that’s going on, but the “you died in the last game actually and have been DC’s clayface ever since” revelation is low-key. it’s. it’s just funny to me, I dont know what to say. century-old god-witch fails her evil plan after she mistakenly removes heart from what was definitely NOT just some white guy with eight fingers after all

chris realizing he’s about to become the player character and immediately swapping out his tsundere trenchcoat for the muscletight sex haver sweater

the little bluetooth speaker-sized pipe bomb he taped to his knife was nuclear?? really??? I must have missed something because that is just too good. I buy it though I totally buy it. chris just got them fun-sized nukes in his car trunk for, you guessed it, Situations

anyway this is all for now just wanted to briefly touch on how unexpectedly funny and tonally irreverent this seemingly serious game turned out to be. did not articulate any cathartic story beats whatsoever but my god it had fun connecting those plot points. he just fucking put his severed hand back on his stump and it Just Worked todd howard get in here

[dusksmote]

2020 in perspective...

i originally got into south park in 2010, left the fandom in 2011, then nearly a decade later in december, 2019 i came back again. 

January: butters sketch

i hadn’t been in a serious fandom for years, hadn’t drawn or written anything seriously in years. i went on a trip to denver, colorado, and came back ready to get fucking into it. i started writing the longest single work i’ve done to date, Ecstasy (130k, not yet posted). this piece was the first drawing i did this year, while riding the train home from my internship. a shitty little sketch of butters from the fanfic, with mohawk and glasses.

February: latex tweek

still traditional art only. started getting serious about shading, and drew LATEX TWEEK (also from Ecstasy). Finished the 1st draft of the fanfic this month and went into the editing phase.

March: juggalo stan and kyle

why? did i forget to mention everyone in Ecstasy is a juggalo? long story. finished the current (final?) draft of Ecstasy. 

April: stan and mpreg kyle

STILL doing traditional art. started working on my next fanfic project, a prequel to Ecstasy--BUT FIRST i read @blesspastacraig​‘s fanfic Best Laid Plans and it inspired me to write my oneshot Our Fish Alien (2k, complete). Got my Ao3 account this month and decided to post it with some art. hence, style mpreg art. started incorporating prop elements (hospital bed), but still too spooked to try backgrounds. 

my friend @cola-fiend​ convinced me to make a tumblr and post some sketches, ergo here we are. this eventually lead requesters to ask for more mpreg, which snowballed until i made a fucking discord server for it, but i’m getting ahead of myself.

May: fat kyle

the last time i did digital art was 2015 when my tablet broke, then in may i found out there’s free phone apps for drawing. so my first digital drawing in half a decade was fat kyle and his skinny boytoy 😂 by now i’d scrapped my plans for an Ecstasy prequel and had started writing Eat That Lunch (27k, complete), and wanted the art to look better. i started by drawing the lines traditionally then coloring the picture digitally 😬 yikes

June: crimson dawn

now we’re cooking with gas. i watched a few art tutorials and tried drawing something serious with digital line art. i was working on my tiny fucking iphone 5 screen and this piece took over 35 hours 🤘😔 no backgrounds yet

July: tweek and baby

my first commission! @blesspastacraig​ and i are now collaborators and friends and i got to illustrate some of her fanfictions. this one’s from Algorithm! (which i totally helped inspire >_>) blurry ‘baby’s first’ background in there too. i also started writing the sequel to ETL this month, What They Say About Us (50~k, incomplete), but didn’t publish it until september.

August: boxer tweek

first attempt at a lineless, painting style. did this one for tweek’s birthday. not a great first piece for a new art style, but a very important design shift that’s changed how i color completely. also switched to an ipad instead of my small-ass phone screen phew

September: boys eat at shakey’s

posted WTSAU! i wanted to make this fic look super fucking good and probably put more effort than i should have into all the art. BUT, forcing myself to illustrate it is what’s really helped me gain more artistic skills. this is my first scenic piece with full color background. i also started writing my next big fic, Wayward Son (50~k, not yet posted), based in the same universe as @blesspastacraig​‘s fanfic Hungry. it was supposed to be a oneshot and now it’s 95 pages long dammit!! 😭

October: broflovski passover

resumed online classes and creative progress suffered for it 😔 i still managed to put out a lot of work i’m proud of, like this seder scene from WTSAU chapter 3. full background and 8 characters? pssh, can’t scare me. i showed this drawing to my boss, who named it ‘the confused gentile’. oh stan.

November: gunslinger kyle and stan of many moons

honestly? not sure how i survived this month. but i knew the start of december was gonna be worse so i jumped on style week as soon as they put the prompts out (this was the second one i drew). at this point i enjoy painting backgrounds more than the figures in them.

December: style clubhouse

i drew so much stuff this month it’s hard to pick one thing to represent it all, but--the seventh day of style week has a bit of everything i’ve learned. background. colors. lighting. concept. crazy when you compare it to january.

now i’m back to work on putting out WTSAU chapter 5. after that’s done i’ll pick which fanfic to post next and get cracking on art for that. Wayward Son’s in it’s final pages, so i’ll be picking up a new fanfic project in the coming weeks too. 

overall? 2020, you were a wild south park year, just like 2010. i honestly can’t believe how far i’ve come as an artist considering i spent the first 1/3rd of this year sketching on napkins and shit, and here we are. looking forward to all the improvement in 2021 💚💙

[negans-savior-complex]

Mountain Dew, Banana Milkshake, Latte, Cappuccino, White Tea, Schweppes, Grapefruit Juice

Drinks Ask Game

Mountain Dew - Have your ever disliked something and then changed your mind?

- Yeah, back when I was 10 or 11 when Pokemon was the Big New Popular Thing here, my grandma bought me this Pokemon magazine and in it was a two page article on another anime (Dragonball Z) that was scheduled to air on TV soon. And just looking at that article and seeing the screenshots used to fill me with so much hatred 😂 It was the art style, I thought it was so incredibly fucking stupid looking and I hated it so much. It got even worse when the commercials started airing.

Joke's on me though, I ended up giving it a go out of morbid curiosity and got hooked so bad after only watching one episode, and now 25 years later I still like it. I could talk about Saiyans and all of my headcanon on them aaaallllll day!!!

Banana Milkshake - What “Old Person” things do you do?

- I have no idea if this counts as an old person thing, but when I go to bed and get comfy, I read a book for about 30 minutes. You couldn't catch me doing this 6 years ago.

Latte - What did you think was cool then, when you were a kid but isn’t cool now?

- This is super cringe: my RP buddy, way back in the mid 2000s when I only wrote OCs, we had this story that took place in hell, with demons and such and copious amounts of 'yaoi' and 'bishonen characters'. The world was pretty fleshed out and one of my main characters was the devil... so we joked with each other that we - because our devil character looked like a hot anime dude with wings and he was our favorite - were devil worshipers. Yeah I know. Stupid. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Either way, one day she visited me and we went to this small bookstore in town, run by this old lady, and we went in to ask if she had any books about, you guessed it, satanism. We meant it as a joke, dumb as shit as we were, but of course she didn't think it was funny and chased us out. And that's when I kinda realized that it really wasn't funny at all.

I lost contact with that friend about a year later for different reasons, and while I don't want to put all the blame on her because the devil character was my design and idea and was mostly written by me, she was very anti-Christianity and I think I was pretty influenced by her at the time because I looked up to her a lot (she was like 7 years older than me and super cool in my eyes).

So yeah. Big Yikes. I feel like a dodged a bullet when we stopped being friends.

Cappuccino – You only get 3 words to describe yourself – what are they?

- Creative, loyal, shy

White Tea - What’s one thing that can instantly make your day better?

- Getting to sit down, relax and finally talk to my friends, especially after a long day T^T

Schweppes – What do you wish you were really good at?

- Being naturally confident. Most of the time my confidence is completely faked but I wish I could just... go and do the things I wanna do, meet people and go places I've never been before without my own anxiety-ridden brain holding me back all the time.

Grapefruit Juice - When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how do you pass the time?

- Youtube and Reddit

@wrathfulmercy thanks bae <3

[carriagelamp]

I read more books this month than I anticipated. I should probably wait before doing a February book round up, but I already feel like I’m struggling to decide which ones to cut from my list so I’m doing it this weekend instead of next. If I read much next week I’ll bump ‘em up into March’s round up

Asterix and the Missing Scroll / Chieftain’s Daughter

I got the last two “new” Asterix books out of the library so I could officially say I had read them all. Over all my opinion is… they’re fine! None of these would ever become one of my favourites, but they’re all fine stories. The art is good, it is completely in-line with the original, and the stories are… fine. I liked The Missing Scroll quite a bit more than The Chieftain’s Daughter but I never find a ~hurr hurr teenagers~ plotline that interesting, whereas I do enjoy seeing Romans get chased down by unicorns so that’s probably not surprising. There’s some spark I can’t put my finger on that the new Asterix books just seem to be missing though… a bit of humour or cleverness or something. Still, they’re fine reads if you’ve been hungry for more Asterix and I’m glad I read them. (Though the library gave me the American translation of The Chieftain’s Daughter, something I didn’t realize until I started reading and realized that this is wrong??? I’ve been reading these books since I could read and I know this is wrong??? What the hell is happening??? The I realized the publisher was different and I simmered in fury the whole time I read it — WHY ARE YOU CHANGING NAMES AND WORD CHOICES IN A WELL ESTABLISHED SERIES THAT ALREADY HAS AN ENGLISH TRANSLATION YOU ANIMALS WHY ARE YOU DUMBING DOWN THE LANGUAGE AAAUGH

The Bride Was A Boy

This one was cute! The Bride Was A Boy is an autobiographical manga written by a transwoman recounting her experience with transitioning, meeting her boyfriend, and eventually getting married. It’s mostly done in a 4-panel style and is interspersed with lots of information about the LGBT community, particularly in Japan. A lot of it was stuff I was already familiar with, but I still found it adorable and a very worthwhile read. it would be a fantastic book for young queer people who are looking for more of an introduction into international queer space

Cul de Sac: Children At Play

Cul de Sac is just a weird, fun newspaper comic series about the children who live in a small neighbourhood. It fully taps into the children-as-semi-feral-chaos-agents, and there’s something hilariously nostalgic about the whole thing. Lots of times when stories try to portray children there’s always something… wrong about it, something that doesn’t mesh with true childhood, but in this comic I can see glimpses of my grimy, dirty-covered self as a preschooler running around the pages. I would definitely recommend trying them!

The Cremation of Sam McGee

I reread The Cremation of Sam McGee and The Shooting of Dan McGrew and man, they don’t stop being buckwild. These are two really famous Canadian poems that were then illustrated by equally famous Canadian artist Ted Harrison. Harrison’s style is gorgeous and distinct and given what strangely grisly stories these poems are they fit the mood perfectly. Everything feels just a little tilted and wrong and unsettling. If you enjoy an occasional poem (especially ones that are super fun to read out loud) and haven’t read these before, I would recommend them! Or do what my teachers did, and read Sam Gee to a young child in your life and watch them be baffled and concerned and horrified.

There are strange things done / in the midnight sun / by the men who moil for gold...

The Gryphon’s Lair

The second book of the Royal Guide to Monster Slaying series written by Kelley Armstrong; I’ve been eagerly awaiting this book! It’s a very cool fantasy series because it really leans into environmental stewardship and the importance of studying animals and conservation so you can find ways to live alongside a healthy ecosystem. In this book Rowan is officially accepted as the Royal Monster Hunter, which means a whole new set of trials and burdens. She has to contend with a baby gryphon that is becoming increasingly large and dangerous, plotting family members, doubt about her abilities, a potential curse, and a daunting quest deep into the mountains in order to set things right. If you’re looking for some very gentle high fantasy, this series delivers.

Hogan’s Heroes comics

What to say here. Anyone following this blog has suffered the knowledge that I’ve been rewatching Hogan’s Heroes lately. When I found out that there was a short-lived, shitty comic series in the 60s? Of course I had to hunt them down. And so I’ve read them! And they sure were a shitty comic series from the 60s! They were, shall we say, of wildly varying quality. Some were actually really funny (like #5, it easily had the best art and best jokes imho), others were a slog, and most were fine and amusing enough to read the whole way through but not much more.

If you don’t know what Hogan’s Heroes is about: it was a 1960s sitcom that took place in a WWII POW camp, in which the Allied prisoners trapped there had a massive, complex sabotage/spy ring right underneath the camp. The whole show is about constantly outwitting the bumbling Germans while keeping up the pretense that they’re all just normal prisoners. The show is hilariously funny and I would recommend that, even if I can’t say the same for the comics unless you’re like me and are just really thirsty for more content...

Magic Misfits: The Fourth Suit (Ripley)

The final book of Neil Patrick Harris’ middle grade series, The Magic Misfits. In this fourth book, the group is fragmented and forced to meet in secret to avoid notice from the mysterious and powerful Kalagan whose cruel machinations have already turned the quiet little town on its ears, putting people’s lives in peril and destroy Leila’s fathers’ magic shop. The Misfits are going to need all their skills to finally unmask this sinister magician and break the mesmerism he seems to have placed over the entire town before it’s too late to save no only the town, but their friendship and trust.

Super charming series, and the illustrations are gorgeous.

Marsupilami

HOUBA! I watched a very bad TV adaptation of this as a kid that still managed to find a place in my heart, and so I decided to finally try reading some of the original comic! On one hand: it was exactly what I had hoped! The art is cute, the marsupilami is so dynamic and fun to see on the page (and has a way better characterization than he does in the show), and it’s really funny! Unfortunately! It is also pretty racist! Yikes! That seems to be a reoccuring downfall for some of these older Belgian comics... I also tried reading the first book of Les Tuniques Bleues and aye ye ye… I couldn’t actually get through that one. That being said, these were older volumes and frankly, North American media was also real fucking racist at that point so I’m not gonna write them off either. I really liked most of this book, and will probably try to get my hands on one of the more recent volumes of both Marsupilami and Les Tuniques Bleues to see if they get better with time. (If you’ve read either of those series and have volume recommendations hmu)

The Pagemaster

I’m a sucker for novelizations, I have no excuse beyond that. I recently rewatched The Pagemaster and decided to read the chapter book. And it was a solid little adaptation! It’s about Richard Tyler, a young boy with a head for statistics which unfortunately means he lives in constant fear of (in his opinion, statistically likely) injury or death. However that fear is put to the test when he gets caught in a horrible thunderstorm and has to shelter in a nearby library with halls and shelves that stretch beyond the imagination and with untold perils hidden among the pages of the books. Richard, with only his library card and three novels that hope to be checked out, has to venture through the different genres and horrors housed int he library if he ever wants to find the exit and get home to safety.

Pumpkinheads

A very charming little graphic novel. Cute art, and really loveable characters. Josiah and Deja work every year at a local pumpkin patch, and are best friends during those weeks. However this is their last year working there before going off to university and as the last day at the patch comes to a close they realize that they both still have regrets. Deja sets off on a mission to avoid work, eat all the interesting snacks around the patch, and get Josiah to find the girl he’s been crushing on every year and has never worked up the nerve to talk to.

After being deprived of human contact for almost a year, this book really hits you right in the heart.

The Screwfly Solution

A deeply upsetting scifi/horror short story! I read it on the recommendation of a friend and, yes, can confirm that this fucked me up a bit. I honestly don’t even know what to say about this that wouldn’t spoil it, but frankly with everything being as it is, this hit a little bit too close to reality. (That being said, it was very well written, like this is a very good story on a literary level and it does exactly what it sets out to accomplish.) If you feel like reading twenty pages and being really disturbed, give it a go! Otherwise go and read any number of the much happier books on this list!

The Whipping Boy

This was a book I remember reading as a lit circle book back in elementary school and really loving. After telling myself I’d reread it for years, I finally sat down with it again. If you somehow got through school without reading this one, it’s about a brat of a prince and his whipping boy — since it would be unspeakable to strike a prince, when the prince misbehaves it is Jemmy who gets whipped. Unsurprisingly, there is no love lost between the two of them, because the prince is always intentionally causing problems that Jemmy has to suffer for. Things begin to change though when the prince decides to run away and drags Jemmy along with him. On the run, being chased by highwaymen, and desperately trying to hide their identities, these boys go on a fast-paced adventure beyond the castle walls. It wasn’t as special as I remembered it being as a kid, but it’s a fine little chapter book.

[ryuichirou]

Out of all the snk shipping fandoms, which one do you think is the best/most wholesome? And which one is the worst/most toxic? Reminder that we’re talking about fandoms here and not ships (btw even tho I hate ereri I can’t help but love your art about it, it’s just amazing and hilarious, keep it up!)

Interesting question! As you might know, we don’t consider ourselves a part of any shipping fandom (or any fandom in general), so we can only talk about how we (and people we know) were treated by them. There won’t be much of an “inside” experience, because well we’re not “inside” any of these. And a lot of it is “people who ship X tend to shit on Ereri absolutely unprovoked at every chance they get, so we really don’t like them” lol

Obligatory and very obvious: loving a certain ship doesn’t make you a good/bad person, and there are a lot of wholesome people in any shipping fandom: we’ve met a lot of very kind, helpful and open-minded folks during these two years. So if any of you read this and think “oh, I ship X too, and this doesn’t sound like me or my friends at all”, chances are I’m not talking about you. But there’s always a possibility that peeps that you interact with in your shipping circle are pretty nice to you, but super mega shitty to others. Whether you ignore this type of behavior or not is up to you. I just want all the harassment to stop, because frankly we’re very tired.

As someone who ships Ereri, we’ve experienced and witnessed a lot lol especially on twitter. The most vocal ones would be Levihan, Eremin and Eruri fandoms I suppose.

With Eruri fandom, we’ve heard a lot of stories about some people bashing Zevi and attacking Zevi shippers + we’ve witnessed the great Eruri vs Ereri war, so of course we know how pretentious and rude they can get. There are people who felt like they were exiled from the Eruri shipping fandom for either shipping any other character with Levi or just seeing characters and their relationships differently (i.e. not seeing them as wholesome husbands or preferring Levi to bottom which is apparently a sin for Eruris too sometimes nowadays???). Although it’s important to mention that I feel like Eruri shippers know how shitty the anti stuff is better than a lot of other communities, so I don’t feel the same aggression from them at this moment.

If we’re talking twitter, based on what we and our friends have experienced, the most aggressive groups seem to be Levihan and Eremins. When I go through my blocking sprees and block everyone who hates on Ereri or Zevi or Eruri (well, mostly Ereri), ~88% of the accs happen to be either Eremin or Levihans. When someone writes a long-ass thread to attack a content creator, it always happen to be either of these two, and I have no idea why. A lot of them are also minors who act like the way they harass others is perfectly justified. I legit see stuff like “besties let’s spoil snk for ereris” and “let’s bully ereris and tell them to kys” every time I search ereri on twitter. And I’ve seen enough of Levihan folks saying shit like Eruris being criminals because Erwin is basically a nazi + spreading misinformation about popular artists just out of spite… extremely annoying stuff. Actually, I think you’re the first LH person who’s been kind to us lol

Also don’t get the idea that there are no toxic people in the Ereri community, because this simply isn’t true. Like I said, every fandom has its own clique and a certain level of toxicity, and it’s stupidly easy to be the “wrong one” here, at least it used to when we just started posting. People who’ve been following us for a while know that we used to get a lot of crap for making Levi a bottom on all of our drawings and not wanting characters to switch. It’s such a stupid reason to get harassed, who the fuck cares whether a character tops or bottoms in a drawing??? And yet we’ve been told that a lot of harassment has happened because of it + experienced it ourselves. I think the only reason we don’t get harassed for it very often nowadays is because of a luxury of being a kind of a big art account. It’s much easier to attack smaller ones who don’t have any power or connections, especially when they’re insecure and want to fit in with the fandom.

Now for some reason some people now think that we (me and Katsu) block people for loving top!Levi or bottom!Eren… this isn’t true. I admit that I can get petty when I block people, but it’s always about their attitude and never about their preferred ship or character’s position. Whether you like something or not is none of our business, and we never criticized what others like, so it’s kind of offensive that people think we’d act that way towards others when we ourselves experienced the same treatment for making Levi bottom every single time. It’s childish and disgusting, and I really don’t want people to think of us as someone who approves of this behavior.

Top!Levi stans act pretty toxic too sometimes, not only in Ereri (well Riren) community. The majority of comments about our Levi being ooc, looking like a child and being too horny and blushy we got from them, they get straight-up OFFENDED by our Levi. We’ve talked about how people are afraid to make Levi into anything but a serious and stoic manly man a lot in the past… And this is the only reason we get defensive when people ask us about top!Levi. But still, we never block anyone because of their preferences. This assumption is very... idk yikes, and more disgusting is the fact that people very easily jump to this conclusion, like... seriously? That’s what you think about us? So much for “uwu our supportive shipping fandom community”.

Shippers of het ships can get quite toxic too, especially after the finale. Some of Eremika peeps got wild, and you’ve probably seen our replies about it and that one Anon who got very upset with our reply about Eren. For some reason, when you post something het-related, there’s always going to be a person saying shit like “NAAAH HE LOVES X, NOT HER”, as if any of this matters. They are the type to whine about Eruri shippers ruining beautiful friendship between Erwin and Levi with their homo sexy stuff. They’re often disrespectful: shit in your comments, belittle other ships with comments like “well THIS is much better than X”, and overall make the experience very uncomfortable. For some reason they just can’t enjoy their darn ships without shitting on others.

Anyhow. I know this reply sounds like “everyone’s a shithead” lol, but once again: sadly, there are nasty people in almost every shipping circle, this is unavoidable. And it’s easier to mark them as “shippers of X”, because they often act like a clique or high school bullies or something. And even though there are a lot of very nice people, I tend not to associate them with any shipping community: it’s just a pleasant and cool person who we had fun communicating with, and who just happen to ship X, Y and Z.

Maybe… it’s fair to say that we dislike fandoms, but talking to people who are kind, polite and excited about the same things that we are, is always great.

Siiigh, hope I didn’t bore you to death with this reply. Thank you for giving us an opportunity to talk about this! And for enjoying my art and being open-minded :)

[universejunction]

Midwayers, and problems of intended belief

A discord conversation (at first about fae and spirits)

Me:

I feel so far behind on learning about fae and spirits and such. When I thought The Urantia Book was more than a well-intentioned hoax it was easy to think fae and such are all just what it calls "midwayers". Now I'm... wide open to new interpretations. I know I'm not behind, I'm just where I am, but still...

A:

I would love to give you more of an idea, but I don't know a ton about the Urantia book or what you mean by midwayers.

Me:

Oof, okay. I don't expect much in the way of answers, I know I'll get what I get in time. But I will take this opportunity to share.

In the Urantia Book, it make a lot of distinction between spirit and matter, as you might expect. Mind is the means by which Spirit rules over matter, yada yada. It also has a ton of details on angels.

There's a ton of history in there too, which I'm now interpreting as metaphor at best, because it's sure as shit not factual with its racial skeletal types and what not.

Anyway... Y'know, I'm gonna give the summary and then see if I have the energy for the story, because I'm worn out.

Basically, midwayers are midway between material and spiritual (but they're not, like, pure mind), covering the gap between angels and humans. They're native to the world, but descended from super-humans. They're immortal and stick around until the "age of light and life". And there's 1111 of either all of them or that might just be the first group of them.

Midwayers also get attributed cases of demonic possession (but so does mental illness), though they're not supposed to be able to do that anymore since Jesus completed his experience of life and earned his sovereignty (which was... before his public work) as basically god of local creation.

There's so much in this book and I carved it into my brain and now I don't trust it but it's still so quick to mind 😩

Innkeeper:

Woof okay I just read this

This is....so much not correct at all but also weirdly accurate

Which makes sense considering my personal theories on bleedthrough but thats another topic for another time

Me:

"Bleedthrough" sounds so very likely correct even without knowing what you mean exactly. That's pretty much my theory on how the Absolutes stuff seems so probably accurate despite everything else

A:

I'm just going to offer that whenever you hear "superhuman," in a spiritual tome, your hackles should probably raise.

Like, it sounds like this is coming from the same branch of angelic and Christian occultism that recognize the Nephilim, but uh, just be mindful that rhetoric about "ancient superhumans" is almost ALWAYS used to sell bullshit about magic indigenous people

It sounds like you're mindful of that, but, heads up

V:

The midwayer concept is ringing alarm bells between "Magic White People From Outer Space" to "Eugenics"

Innkeeper:

^

The idea of a liminal concept, something that exists in between those two states, I feel that holds water

The idea of literally everything else is uh

Worrisome at best

Me:

I'll add more in a sec but y'all right

Me (later):

To be clear, I was raised on the Urantia Book and am now moving away from it. For reasons mentioned above, among others.

It does come very close to "magic white people from outer space" and definitely is like "eugenics is a good idea but no one is qualified to direct it".

Me (replying to A):

Adding on, yes, but it's like... Fix-it fic. There's this spirit prince for the world who rebelled with Lucifer (who was like... a local administrator, not a god or angel), but when he arrived they like... called 100 natives [of Earth], cloned them with power-ups, and put people from other worlds like ours into the bodies who served as the prince's staff in the task of cultivating culture. Those staff, through essentially spiritual sex, created the first midwayers. After rebellion, the staff split and the ones who stay loyal to the prince are called nephilim and start a line of (acknowledged in the text) big ol' nasty racial supremacists. They're also called Nodites (c.f. "Land of Nod")

Later, Adam and Eve show up to "upstep" human evolution (disease resistance, humor, art... yeah, magic white people) but because the prince rebelled and shit's fucked, they're having a hard time. Eve bangs a local tribe leader to get an alliance and fucks everything up (that results in Cain. Able is Adam and Eve's next kid). So now should-be-immortal Adam and Eve only have a few hundred years to live and their (already many) kids get the choice to leave and most of them do.

A while later, their first son, Adamson, goes off to start a new cultural center, meets a woman named Rata who "claims" to be the last pure-line Nodite. [They] have a bunch of kids, every 4th of which is invisible(???), and they make those kids get together (yikes!) and that's where the secondary midwayers come from.

And it lampshades all this like "many things in the spiritual development of a world are hard to understand." Uh, yeah! History is weird, sure, but as it's fan fic, it's creepy.

A:

So, I'm saying this with all the love in my heart, but you can only portray things as fiction which are not intended to be believed.

That's not a fanfiction, that's a religious text. That is a religious text with a fully realized theology and metaphysics, complete with creation story. I think it is harmful to approach it as anything else, or as a "generic" metaphysical practice. (Relatedly, there is no such thing as "generic witchcraft," which is a main point of this history of the occult book club).

Doing a little bit more research, it's a religious text associated loosely with the Urantia Foundation and written in 1955. I'm not seeing any indication at the moment that there's a formal power structure associated with the movement, which lessens the chance for cult behavior.

What I will suggest to you is that you need to approach this work like you would any other religious text. Set aside questions of whether the text is "accurate" or "true." If you are honestly interested in the metaphysical, you should be able to separate empirical reality and history for the metaphysical. If you can't do that, take five steps back in your practice and come back once you can.

So, setting aside questions of truth, does this cosmology reflect the things you believe about the world? Does it encourage a way of thinking about people that you think is good, virtuous, honorable, etc? Can this text be used to uphold values that you hold, or do the natural extensions of this text lead to certain conclusions? Are those conclusions harmful?

For instance, I believe that eugenics is totally and morally abhorrent, and that there is fundamentally "no such thing" as a person who could pull it off "correctly." There's no way to do eugenics "right," just like I believe there is no morally correct way to, I don't know, punch a baby.

As such, even your acknowledgment that the text accepts eugenics makes it worthy of rejection in my mind.

Maybe you are interested and capable of doing the apologetics to make this into a compassionate religious movement. I don't know. I am not interested in doing that. But I do not think you can "move away" from this text, in the same way that you cannot "move away" from the bible, only from interpretations of it.

At some point, you have to believe in a basic assumption. If there's something that "feels right," there's only so far you can push it without that basic assumption.

If you think there is a separation between mind, body, and Spirit, wonderful. I would recommend you find another text and another basic set of assumptions. For instance, one that doesn't involve angels making angel-possesed magic native people for the point of preparing the world for the "good races."

Me:

Yes, you've got it right. Except that my interpretation has moved from "I think this book is what it claims" to "I think this was (probably well-intentioned, but still) a hoax perpetrated by ex-Seventh-Day Adventists". But for whatever good intentions may've been involved, the fact that it's intended to be believed makes it very harmful. I talked about it today as a way of saying "wow, look at this crazy shit" and talking through the changes involved in my different interpretation / loss of faith.

I don't believe in midwayers anymore and don't know what to believe, I'm trying to do the work, as you say, of finding what parts are good and what's harmful, comparing with empirical stuff, etc. But, however ready I may've been to walk away from the Urantia Book, it's still a process of recognizing what ideas I have based on it and examining them in turn to see what's salvageable.

Innkeeper:

I think that's an incredibly respectful way to go about it, Toph.

When something is that formative to you as a person, it's rarely as easy as learning it's harmful and then moving on, entirely separated from the source material. There's a long process of digging up every assumption you know you have--and many you don't know you have, or don't have at all--and needing to challenge them in a newer, healthier framework. One of the most potent aspects of the danger of cults is that they're incredibly difficult to challenge that base assumption, and it can take years if not a lifetime to walk a path that steadily heads away from what was taught.

So to acknowledge something formative's deep capacity for danger and harm, and go through the long process of picking it apart piece by piece to ensure you don't retain its harmfulness as you separate from it, I think that's the best possible way to go about something.

[moderngirlmp3]

hey i mean you want to talk about how long it took for me to answer this? because the answer is. too long. for absolutely no reason i'm so sorry

!!!! you should that would be so iconic of you tbh. if you do decide to Embark on an Artistic Journey, please send/post update pictures i love art dude. so much.

FHSKDLFJKSLDJF YOUR LIFE OR THEIRS. amazing joke i remember this !!! from the time i read half of this and promptly got distracted,, i'm sorry. looking at this, it's not even that long?? of a thing to answer??

YEAHHH people always say that audiobooks are great if you have trouble focusing on paper books or are busy and stuff and i Do Not Understand

!!!!! yes. this. that sounds wonderful and heck yeah! ideal house will trap you there forever but dw because it's voluntary and so nice <3

SUDOFIJSDKX AMAZING. bro i wish you were in my closet (in the least weird way possible i just. want to meet you irl) but !!! that's very swag. thievery <3 /hj but nonetheless that sounds like a very cool shirt.

mhmm i get you. i think the sheer amount of People being People would be too much, although it would be super cool to see a live concert performance thing,, yeehaw anywhoodles. !!! YEAH YEAH YEAH you've gotten me hooked on august is a fever lmao. a friend told me about motion sickness a little while ago and !! yes. very much agree.

ooh hm. i'd say operate by vesperteen and trying not to cry by cavetown (but. only the version on youtube. the spotify one's more electo-funky which is cool! but not exactly my vibe and it doesn't hit Nearly As Hard yknow)

!!! the little fuzzy gray willow bulb things. idk what they're called but they're so sOFT and wonderful. miss the most? probably being in person and at school with all my old friends. and i miss being good at school, which sounds all kinds of stuck-up but i think this might be my gifted child burnout year and Yikes. i miss,, i miss not worrying so much about gender. that's a lot of things but y eah.

i'm afraid that i'll drop my phone through the gap between the elevator car and the floor landing, because it'll just what. drop to the basement?? never be seen again?? and it looks like it could fit my phone but i can't be sure and i certainly don't want to test that theory shdfjskdl. something deep uhhh. i'm afraid that i'm lost in the sense of "everyone else knows what they want and i don't", or i'm afraid that i'm so wrapped up in myself and my thoughts that i just become. really goddamn stupid. idk dude i'm afraid of a lot of things usedhfjk

something mundane and something deep you're afraid of? what's something small that gets you excited? least favorite thing to receive as a gift? what color palette do you use on tumblr dot com? - 🌵

no literally and now i'VE taken forever to answer so i think. i think we're even. shfsdjfsdfkjsldfjslf

ahhh ok ok i have been doing random doodles in my notebooks and stuff so i will maybe spam u sometime!!

SDFJSLDFJSLFJ i wish u were in my closet too <333

oooh i will queue both of those songs rn and they will play while i answer the rest of this!! ill let u know what i think :D

okay update my wifi is out so i cant listen to them but I WILL LATER!!!

no no i also miss being good in school. switching from gifted kid to gifted kid burnt out stuff is literally the worst feeling im so sorry </33 also yeah gender... yeah

okay actually that is such a mood tho because i also have no idea what i want to do with anything and it feels like everyone around me is starting to figure it out and i just don't know

something mundane is probably just. bees. i am so fucking scared of bees every kind of bee even the ones ppl say are harmless. i legitimately get panic attacks sometimes and i just. can't do it. and ppl get ?? mad at me for this ??? theyre like oh but bees dont even wanna hurt u :( like okay im not trying to make them extinct im just saying i can't be around them without hyperventilating. thanks.

something deep.... definitely that my perception of myself is just 100% incorrect. i'm terrified that i've just completely misjudged myself and i'm nowhere near as self aware as i think, and that i'm nothing like how i've interpreted myself to be.

something small that gets me excited is for sure just going on my phone after a few hours of not being on it and seeing messages from friends. like. good morning messages or things sent while i was in class. things like that make me feel so <3333 like oh !! people think of me people like me that is so <3

least favorite thing to receive as a gift is for sure expensive things. i havent really received any but i just don't want to ?? like i would lose them really easily and for me theyre just objects so i wouldnt feel extra grateful?? idk. that doesn't make sense. but like for example someone gave me a super fancy pen for my birthday and like. okay thanks but it's just a pen?? i like normal cheap pens better sghsjdfsjf

dark mode dark mode dark mode !! might switch it to a halloween one tho for spooky season <3 probably not tho

what color palette are you on? whats your least favorite thing to receive as a gift? do you make wishlists for things? do you like floral patterns? what's something that made you angry today/recently? what's something that made you really happy?

[seekeroftruthpromestein]

Welp. Paradox time.It’s the Finale.

Yikes. Last campground....

That doesn’t bode well...

Here they are. All my friends. I’ve traveled with them for this long. We’re near the end of the game. Who knows what will happen... 

Promestein. You’ve been a very interesting character to see through this game. Seeing you young kind of shows you were always a fucked up kid. But, you have a good heart. And you now have a found family. You’re no longer a lone wolf salvaging through a dark world. You have us. And we’re happy to have you and alllow you to examine this bright new world.

Nuruko. I sadly didn’t get to know you too well and I’ll be sure to remedy that next game. But you were an interesting little thing. 

I wouldn’t have pegged you as a main character honestly but hey. I’m glad your here. You were another person that I’ll have to be sure to bring next time because I feel you probably have lots of interesting insight. 

Pope. You are DEF going to be in my next group. You were one of the most exciting twists i’ve ever seen and I am happy you were here. I am still angry for no sex scene. 

Hilde. Once again, another “I didn’t bring around enough” but you hey. Happy to have you.

These two were my favorite running joke. The not so wise senpai and the student. 

Not sure why YOU are here but you WERE the first boss of the game. So. Yeah. Welcome.

And you were the first recruited monster... I think.

This little exchange reminds me. Granberia was NOT at ALL a regular character in this entire exchange. Hardly any of the knights showed their faces. Alma I think was the most regular. 

The spirits play little purpose as well. In the orginal trilogy they were SUPER important as they were a constant ability you had to keep on or die.  Here. They’re not weak, they’re decent buffs.  But I rarely use them... I did use them actually in the battle against Blalice. Alice actually is a Spirit Summoner because I felt it was rather poetic all things considered. 

Wait are you a noble? Maybe you should put on pants. And a shirt. But okay. Vanilla! The most useful member that never see’s battle. She was BRIEFLY drafted in Black Alice when all of the other allies died but yeah. She has been a rock this entire time. Constantly producing MP for the party.  

I admit I never had a use for her. She mostly stayed around because she had the most Dialog from things. 

And ah. The MVP herself. Okay second MVP but we’ll get to her soon. Superb support. Valuable as hell. Sadly a lot of Angels have Auto-hit attacks. But I would have lost without her many times. 

I’m trying to do the whole sentimental thing but yeah. Don’t have a lot to say. Maybe one of these days I’ll have just the four of them on a team. 

I’m just WAITING for you to betray me. But it’s a bit late and you’re no longer important in the slightest so. 

Ah speak of the devil. Now. Time for the main course. 

Traveling with Black Alice has been a really facinating experience. She’s a lot of fun. If you know, a bit evil. It’s interesting that she played the Alice. Pretending to be something she’s not. It makes me wonder if it’s a tradition? I wonder if this experience will make her nicer. 

Ah Sonya. You sadly have a LOT of death flags... It was interesting the idea of Luka having a human friend, but from a writing perspective it makes sense as she suddenly got the tropes that were associated with Alice in the first game. 

Not a good sign.

This does bring a point though. Sonya I dropped out of the party for not being too useful. A healer in a game where healing is incredibly easy. And she didn’t exactly have a whole lot... Actually I could have turned her into a vampire funny enough. And a worm Villager. But yeah, besides that. She didn’t have a whole lot. I’m probably gonna try using her more in my Ilias file as I want to RP it as more of a Human/Angel Centric idea. The only overlap being Prom really. 

And Alice. I really wish there was more to you but I get it. The romance between Luka and her just isn’t  a focal point. Despite the fact that her and Luka’s children are in fact facing off. I kind of wish that was addressed more. 

And her mother... There’s actually a LOT of plot threads still not addressed. 

Was hoping for Elemental Giga. This would be a game where it could be theoretically useful though. With all the abilities and such.

Ilias prayer music in the background.

Now we have Opera music... Place has changed.

Less then steller. 

You bitch.

You know what. Fuck you. YOU are FOURTH! 

Alright gotta act quickly. Can’t... wait

WHAT??

SHE SAID IT

I’m not sure if gleefully killing an entire town counts. 

Never a nice thing to learn.

“Then the fanfiction writers started... There’s this ONE bitch. She runs a Promestein blog and if you LISTENED to the drivel she writes. She made up this nonsense with male monsters for drama’s sake”

“And don’t get me started on the Luka Situation. There were like 3 at one point.”

Wait... How many others from other worlds??

...Wait When??? I can go over level 60 now?? Must be when I updated.. Huh. Okay. Wish I did this earlier.

Too many... oh

See. I’m doing an RP with La Croix that takes place using this concept. But something both of us realized is that Luka actually very rarely DIED in most of his endings. Not right away. Many of them used him as a pleasure slave. Or married him. Or he just gave up adventuring. Some like the angels even used him for 1000′s of years. So. Theoretically. He would have had to live his entire life. Die of natural causes. And then wake up back at a fight he had years ago. 

But here it just says failed. 

Oh.... Is this...Which Ilias?

I forgot... You’re... the Real ilias. so you have been trying your best to keep things from going to shit huh?

Oops.

Yikes... So yeah. Makes sense. Fuck that Lukia (Which was us)

The...Remina labs??

Oh hey. It that bitch.

Yes Little Prom. Yes. Soon. You will meet. Yourself.

A better part of the whole. I remember there being an Angel/Monster hybrid who says she couldn’t  combine her dark and holy energy. This is probably why.

I wonder if this is a joke of some kind revolving around smoking becoming less allowed in Japan.

And they summoned.... Black..Alice. Is that how she was alive in the original Trilogy??

Oh no... This..... Is.... Original Trilogy Black Alice.

As creepy music plays. I am reminded. The White Rabbit is a universal Constant. Where was she then in the original Trilogy? Simple. She was here. Right here. In Black Alice... the drug created by Promestein. The fusion of Holy and Dark.

Those poor Scientist.

That Casualty of it.

Oh. Dear. Lord.

“So you finished the art for that Hentai game right?” “HENTAI GAME?? I thought we were making Bloodborne.”

That is terrifying. 

Oh dear lord.

Angels. Demons. Both are at her demand.

YOU SAID SHE COULD NOT REACH US.

Of course. Time Succubi from aother wordl

That. Is terrifying.

Yup. Zero.

She’s dying as the Villain again? The Pyrrha. 

Wait. What?

So... You.. Were killing them to.. Bring them into YOUR world??? So. They’re alive? 

So they’re killing people... to bring them into another?  This reminds me of a little bit of a Webcomic called Order of the Stick. Where the gods wondered briefly if they should destroy the world, in order to save the souls. Because the main monster, was a giant horrifying sould devouring creature.  So if the gods destroyed the world, they could save many from inhiliation, and bring them into the after life.  This begs a lot of question about after lives and existance beyond death and whether or not it truly is a death. 

Bloodying her hands so her daughter doesn’t have to.

Yeah I would like to know that as well.

I would like to know actually.

Wait why are you wearing clothes now?

I forgot you were a person.  Wait. So these are from another universe.... One where Ilias won...And therefor Eden got to wear clothes. 

The old Monster and Angel War, Fought in the foreground of the world we stand.

And the death flags come home to roost. 

Was she... one the entire time?

Or did she become one now?

Mhm. This looks familiar.

And the music begins. The  battle wasn’t too hard. But...

This isn’t good.

Not grand.

This battle music is though. ♪♫

Oh you bitch.

We beat both of them... or...

We did not.

That’s... really really not good.

...what?

HUH???

UMMM????

SHES A WHATR??

She’s the element of chaos....   Does that mean there’s a HOly and Dark Spirit too?

Fine. I’ll train you.

...What?

Oh.... shit.... Dad... Killed Alice’s Mom.

And. That. Is the end.... Welp. I guess we have to do the Ilias Route next.

[365days365movies]

January 13, 2021: House of Flying Daggers (2004)

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was HUGE. I don’t just mean on this blog, I mean in the United States in 2000 and 2001. If you were alive and aware of movies that year, then you remember people talking about this movie. It was, and is to this day, the highest grossing foreign-language film in the United States. So what does that mean?

It means that Ang Lee wouldn’t be the only wuxia film director to cross the pond. Two years later, a little movie called Hero would be released internationally. That wuxia would eventually become the #3 highest-grossing foreign language movie in the USA. It’]s director was an old hat wuxia director in China, Zhang Yimou.

Yimou’s success on China never translated in the USA, until Hero in 2002. After that, he would release more films in the USA, one of the most recent being...oh. OH. OH NO, The Great Wall starring Matt Damon, Pedro Pascal, and Willem Dafoe?!? THAT’S A ZHANG YIMOU MOVIE?

...I mean, Ang Lee made the 2003 Hulk, so I guess nobody’s perfect. Anyway, House of Flying Daggers.

Zhang Ziyi’s back! This is another critically acclaimed movie, but wasn’t nearly as popular in the USA. It was nominated for one Academy Award, for Best Cinematography, but it lost to The Aviator. I’ll talk about that one in the future the way of the future the way of the future the way of the future.

But OK, enough introduction, IT’S WUXIA TIME WOOO SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

The House of Flying Daggers is a Robin Hood organization, stealing from the wealthy and giving to the disenfranchised in a particularly poor area and time period in China. Their biggest enemies, as you’d expect from a Robin Hood group, are the police, who are conspiring to take down their leader within ten days, whomever they may be.

One of these policeman is Jin (Takeshi Kaneshiro), who goes to the Peony Pavilion, an “entertainment house” full of beautiful women. See, the leader’s daughter is rumored to be working there as a new showgirl.

This is the blind dancer Mei (Zhang Ziyi), who’s questioned awkwardly by the VERY drunk Jin. She dances and sings for him, as requested. Good time to mention something that I didn’t mention yesterday: Zhang Ziyi has no martial arts background prior to her film career. Instead, her background is in dance! She learned fight choreography in that film the same way she learned dance choreography. So, it’s neat to see her return to her roots.

It’s less neat to see Jin straight-up sexually assault her and get arrested by the cops. So, y’know, ups and downs there. To prevent from getting arrested herself, Mei accepts the offer to play a game called “Echo.” This is prompted by another police officer, Leo (Andy Lau). He, uh...throws beans at a circle of drums, and she responds by hitting the drums with her sleeves. Yeah. Sounds dumb, right? Well, check out how it looks.

This is a very different movie, as compared to CTHD. And yeah, I’m only 15 minutes in, but the choreography is far more artistically flourished. Yeah. I said that as compared to CTHD. Only time will tell, but this full dance sequence is definitely interesting to watch.

Anyway, as you can see above, it ends once Mei grabs the captain’s sword with her sleeve ribbons, and challenges him to a duel. She also TOTALLY blows her cover as a sympathizer to the House of Flying Daggers, and the two fight.

This fight does NOT go well for her, and she’s arrested. Also, it would seem that the drunken display by Jin was actually just a ruse, meant to get her to play the game and reveal herself. Seems...complicated, but it got result, I guess? Anyway, they threaten her with torture (like you do), unless she gives them information of the new leader of the House of Fly...HoFD. There. If CTHD gets an acronym, so does this.

Suddenly, though, a ninja appears and sets Mei free, fighting off the guards. Said ninja reveals himself as...Jin? They refamiliarize themselves.

Very refamiliar.

Anyway, the soldiers are indeed approaching, and Mei and Jin go on the run. The policemen chase them down on horses, and Mei takes down three horses and the guys riding them...with a scabbard. By herself. Badass.

That’s followed by her taking on four armed men at once, although this round doesn’t go nearly as well.

Luckily for her, however, Jin arrives in the nick of time to save her. We get this VERY cool POV arrow shot:

And the two leave. HOWEVER, the policeman ALL get up at the end, which means...Jin’s lying about all of this, huh? It’s a ruse to find to location of the HoFD, using Mei as an unwitting guide. Oof. Liar revealed plot set-up, huh? If that’s the case...I’ll get into that more later.

Jin leaves a message for his fellows, while Mei bathes and puts on men’s clothes provided by Jin, as a disguise. 

It’s at this point that Jin decides to go FULL creep again, and GODDAMN is it not working for me. It is...UNCOMFORTABLE, knowing what we know about Jin. And yet, despite that information...

It’s working for Mei. Yeah, they make out. Mei does say that it’s too soon, and that she doesn’t quite trust him that much yet...but they definitely made out there for a hot sec. It was...yup.

We get a reminder the Jin’s kind of an emotionally manipulative asshole as he meets with Leo, who warns her not to “fall for her.” So. It IS one of these stories, huh? We’ll see how it goes, but...yeah, not digging the love story so far.

And yet, as I say that, there goes Jin, falling in love with her. Soldiers consistently follow them wherever they go. Looks like the plan is backfiring, as soldiers who aren’t one of Jim’s cohorts believe that he’s a member of the HoFD, having broke Mei out of jail and all. So they attack them in earnest, even injuring Jin somewhat.

And that’s when Mei brings out the dagger. The Flying Dagger. THE HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGER.

I tell ya...that’s cool. Might be a CGI house of flying dagger (LOT of CGI in this movie, by the way, and none of it is technically...good), but I love it. The two fight off the soldiers in the field using the house of flying daggers and arrows, but reinforcements arrive. The two fight them in a sequence that’s more dance than ight. And it’s pretty cool. But they’re soon outnumbered.

Until...some wooden dowels come out of NOWHERE, impaling them in the neck and taking them down. Having survived, the two rest in the field, pondering where the dowels came from. And, of course, making out.

Although, this time, Mei starts it, and Jin refuses. He leaves, at her urging, and meets with Leo. Turns out the General sent the soldiers in the field, and is sending more to kill Mei AND Jin. And, as a note, Jin just KILLED some of those guys, as did Mei. Arrow boys from earlier lived, since it was a set-up for Mei. But, no, Jin actually has to kill the soldiers coming up.

That’s when he realizes that the General doesn’t care about him, at ALL, and he’s willing to shed the blood of his men and of Jin to get his goals met. And Jin...quits. Jin STRAIGHT UP quits, and returns to Mei. They get into a spat, and Mei leaves. And she goes to...

A bamboo forest. Thank you, China, for loving bamboo so much in these movies, because this sequence is gorgeous. I tell you, these movies do real well with the bamboo green color. Gorgeous.

The soldiers ambush Mei there, but Jin’s caught up, and he helps fight them off. Some awesome bamboo tricks (and sounds, by the way, real neat sounds here), more object-throwing (including a lot of using the bamboo stalks as weapons, which is SUPER FUCKIN’ COOL), and some gorgeous cinematography though the forest. Real talk, this scene made the movie for me. So far, anyway. We even get a BADASS bamboo spike trap! And it’s here that our pair is caught.

AND THEN

IT’S THE HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS FUCK YEAH

Looks like the madam of the entertainer’s house actually is the head of the HoFD, once again upholding the tradition of badass women of wuxia that we’ve seen in LITERALLY ALL THREE of these movies.

The leader asks if Jin likes Mei, and would consider marrying her. It’s far too soon for Jin, and he’s formally captured by the HoFD. They knew about his and Leo’s plan, and drag a captured Leo in as well. AND, AND...MEI’S NOT BLIND, or the daughter of the leader!!! Yeah! She’s been faking the whole movie! HA! Liar revealed indeed!

Didn’t see that one coming! Mei’s just a normal anti-governmentrevolutionary, and Jin’s now just a prisoner alongside Leo. But another twist, as this isn’t the actual leader of the HoFD. Leo reveals this; and how does he know that? LEO...IS A GODDAMN MOLE IN THE GOVERNMENT!!! WHAT????? YES! Leo’s a member of the HoFD, and he was planted three years ago to spy on the cops! And...AND...HE’S MEI’S FIANCEE!! WHAT IN THE SHIT?!?

OH I AM FULLY INVESTED. What the hell else is gonna happen? How about a game of Echo?

Yeah, that scene from earlier? No wonder it was a dance! It was the reunion between two lovers, long since parted! Holy shit, THIS is a romance I can fully get behind! But...can Mei? Because she certainly isn’t feeling it as much as Leo is...

Yup. Looks like she fell in love with Jin after all. Uh oh. BIG UH OH. And there goes my support of their romance, as Leo tries to rape Mei. Nia, the leader, ain’t having it, and throws a dagger into Jin’s back. He goes back to spy on the cops, but not before shaming Mei. Oof. I take it back. 

And now, Mei’s been told to kill Jin. I’m sure that’s gonna happen.

YUP

Well, after they have Field Sex (probably better than CTHD’s Cave Sex, let’s be honest), they decide to go their separate ways, becoming fated lovers on two separate sides. But Mei has second thoughts, and goes back.

Somebody else comes back, too.

YIKES, LEO! Yeah, he kills her right there in the field, blaming her for making him kill her! YIKES, LEO!!! I take it back, you’re a DICK.

Jin ALSO comes back for Mei, and finds Leo instead. A pissed-off Leo reveals himself to Jin, and the two engage in a sword battle for Mei. And then...autumn turns to winter.

As the army encroaches on the HoFD in the bamboo forest, two former friends shed blood amongst the snow. Their fight...their fight is brutal. The choreography may not be the fanciest...but it is insanely and viciously emotional. Blood and snow, man. Blood and snow.

Also, hey, guess who’s alive after all! Mei gets up, despite the DAGGER IN HER CHEST STILL. She asks Leo to let Jin go, or she’ll USE THE DAGGER IN HER CHEST TO KILL HIM. METAL. Obviously, that’ll actually kill her, So Jin asks her not to do it. But it doesn’t matter in the end.

Mei throws her dagger to intercept Leo’s. And Leo...never throws his dagger..

Leo leaves. Mei dies. Jin cries and sings their song.

A rare beauty in the North. She’s the finest lady on earth. A glance from her, the whole city goes down. A second glance leaves the nation in ruins. There exists no city or nation that has been more cherished than a beauty like this. A rare beauty in the North. She’s the finest lady on earth. A glance from her, the whole city goes down. A second glance leaves the nation in ruins. There exists no city or nation that has been more cherished than a beauty like this.

And we never see what happens to the...House of Flying Daggers.

WHOOF. Epilogue soon.

[dorkylittleweirdo]

crazy shit that happened during high school

freshman year:

my favorite teacher (pe coach) ended up being a pedophile. it’s kinda scary to think about bc like,, that was my favorite teacher and i trusted him and if he tried anything with me i don’t think i would’ve stopped him and just yikes. but yeah, it was a whole thing. once the school found out they got the police involved and he fled the state. they got him in the end but i mean,, i spent a lot of time in the secretary’s office crying about it bc i really trusted that dude and i was distraught over it. that might’ve been where my trust issues started??? fun stuff

my school shut down. like i mean,, bc it was a charter school and we had to get the charter renewed. but the board at my school wasn’t using their money the way they were supposed to. it was a whole thing, like the principal left that school year bc he knew what was happening, couldn’t stop them from doing it, and didn’t want to be part of it. so they had a lot of meetings that us kids were allowed to go to so we could see what was happening and all that. i only went to one and it was A Time bc the lady who was recording everything passed tf out and of course nobody was a doctor and my pipsqueak thirteen year old ass went “i know what to do” bc i Did so i had to help her which was a trip in and of itself. but anyways, the school’s charter got denied, and everyone had to transfer, but the district promised that we could go to any school we wanted, not just the one we would have to go to by zip code

sophomore year:

i ended up going to a private christian school. big fucking mistake. absolute disaster. nothing really happened that was crazy by their standards, but it was for me

so they have a house system. think of harry potter, it’s EXACTLY like that. we have points, we have competitions, we have all that extra stuff. it was such a time, like i don’t,, i don’t even know how to explain how fucking weird that shit was

i came out in the middle of class. the principal’s daughter was our sub and she goes “okay so everyone is gonna tell us something that nobody knows about them” so when it was my turn i go “so it’s not a secret and y’all should know this but clearly y’all don’t: i’m not straight”. silence. dead silence. we could hear the class next to us it was so quiet. some girl whispers “i knew it”. another girl leans over and whispers to my friend “i’m so sorry”. principal’s daughter gives me the most threatening, condescending smile i’ve ever seen and goes “thanks for sharing”. i had to come out to my mom that same day bc i told me friends and they panicked on my behalf bc when people found out that they were gay, the principal told their parents. and i was Not about to be outed by the principal. my mom has since told me that the principal never contacted her about it so i came out for nothing but i mean i really like being out so we’re good

so instead of prom, cult school has this thing called “the ball”. sophomores, juniors, and seniors are allowed to go bc there’s less than fifty people per grade so if sophomores don’t come, there’s not enough people. so i went bc my friends were all going and i was like “yeah why not might as well”. three dance lessons. three fucking dance lessons for this stupid ball that i didn’t dance once at. i literally had three panic attacks in the span of an hour at the second one, and then i had swim practice right after. fucking exhausted. felt like i ran five marathons by the time i got home. the last lesson i didn’t do any dancing, just vibed with my friend in the corner. so at the actual ball, same friend and i vibed at the tables the whole time. we went to the bathroom for like an hour and took mirror selfies and tried to make our asses look bigger bc we’re Like That

SO AFTER THE BALL, there was apparently a massive party and there was alcohol and stuff. so my friends and i were blissfully unaware bc nobody liked us bc who tf likes the school sinners. so we walked to get ice cream after in our fucking ballgowns and suits looking like All That. so the principal thought that it was one of us who hosted the party and we were like “??? what party?”. literally almost got in trouble bc the principal thought we were LYING. i told my mom and she takes No Shit, so when the principal called her demanding to know if i went to/hosted the party, she marched her ass down to the school and was like “i know y’all have something against mexicans and people who are different from y’all, but that’s no reason to blame my daughter for something that your so called “perfect” students did”. my mom got Heated, roasted the fuck out of the principal, then LEFT. principal never fucked with my mom after that

so there was a fire like across the street from the school. the fd told us to evacuate, but noooooo the school was like “god will protect us” i’m like “okay but i’m gay and apparently your god hates that so i think we’re gonna Perish”. the fucking POWER went out and they STILL wouldn’t let us go. my mom called to sign me out so i could go wherever the fuck i wanted in the school until my friend’s dad came to pick us up bc she couldn’t get there bc of the fire. so i vibed next door to my friends’ class and i was like “heeeeey god’s trying to kill the gays” and we laughed about that until my gay ass got saved lmaoooo

okay so this is the funniest memory i have. in chemistry once, our teacher took us outside and started digging a lil hole next to the school. and keep in mind, my chem teacher used to be a hardcore atheist druggie, like fucking meth and coke and shit. took a theology course and converted. so he’s really sweet and nice but he’s also Slightly mad scientist vibes. so anyways, he puts something in this little hole, lights it on fire. i forgot why he did it, but i was standing back with him and one of the exchange students and the three of us watch in Horror as the rest of the class makes a circle around the fire and start doing some weird dance and saying something. it wasn’t like a chant, idk what to call it, but they were like counting like “and one, and two, and three, and four” and then the dance would get more intense and they’d get louder. so eventually they were screaming and going apeshit and i looked at my teacher and he’s just,, watching them do this. i’m like “and i’m satan, huh?”. like these kids really trying to summon the devil but i’m the bad one bc i like girls

junior year:

so technically this was during the summer but i’m putting it here. they have like a house party after the school year ends. i made cookies. apparently they “looked weird” so nobody ate them, two of my soon to be teachers kept insulting them. i called my mom to pick me up, took my cookies with me, got back in the car in tears. had to have a whole conversation with the principal and those two teachers so they could apologize bc i wanted to leave the school after that. dw tho, i took my cookies to the guards at my summer camp and they appreciated the hell out of them bc they were Very Good Cookies

so my ap bio teacher was an enabler. i was his favorite bc i wasn’t a religious nut and it was very obvious that i believed in science and not whatever the hell this cult was doing with their creationist bs. also he was a parasitologist and i’m super into parasitology so he had fun talking about it to someone who both understood and was extremely interested in the topic. i rolled up to class one day like “hey so i’m gonna buy hissing cockroaches from amazon, if my parents find out and don’t let me keep them do you want them??” and he’s like “yeah”. i brought them to class a few times and everyone Hated it but my teacher was like ayyyyy. and everyone thought he was either and atheist or agnostic, so when some girl asked how he thought mary conceived jesus to see what he said, he looked at me like “y’all hear somethin/hel p” and i go “parthenogenesis” and he Went With It, talking about how it was theoretically possible in humans but we ignored the fact that the baby would’ve been a girl bc the class is dumb none of them have ever heard of parthenogenesis before jesus is the true trans icon we all need

my art teacher was my favorite and she knows that i’m gay. she’s the only teacher from my school that i’m still in contact with. so every big project we did, i made it gay. and i knew, and my friends knew, and she knew, but the rest of the class had no idea. i’m like presenting my project and the class would get sus and they’re like “so are those two really good friends” and i’m like “so she has a rainbow heart on her choker and she has a lesbian symbol on her shirt”. the class was still confused and my friend yells “they’re LESBIANS”. it was iconic

my brit lit teacher was bi. she never said it, but i know she was. always talked about how much she hated men, then was like “women are very very good”. no way this woman was straight. so we read dracula and it’s got that Subtext, so one time i leaned over to my friend bc he sat next to me and i go “the Homoerotic Subtext”. and i didn’t realize that the teacher was right in front of me until she tapped my desk and goes “it gets better”, told me a page number that i flipped to, and it was Even More Gay and i was like 😏. also she assigned me a gay poet for my poetry project and i talked about that for my whole presentation in front of the class and it was the biggest paragraph in my essay and i got 100% on it even tho i choked at the beginning. also i mentioned in passing that i liked sappho and she goes “ooh i love sappho” i’m like “ma’am please leave this cult and get you a gf”

senior year:

i left the cult finally. went to the one school i actually liked. i made friends who actually like me and they were patient and they were amazing and i love them all very much even if i’ll never tell them. my classmates were great, v friendly, i had a great time. however,

so many fires. school got cancelled like five times bc of how bad the fires were

the school shooting. i don’t think i need to go further into that, it’s pretty self explanatory

covid. again, don’t need to go further into that, v self explanatory