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inthedayswhenlandswerefew · 11 days

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Where Will All The Martyrs Go [Epilogue: It’s Not Over ‘Til You’re Underground]

A/N: We've finally reached the end of the Oregon Trail, besties!!! Enjoy this one last treat to celebrate the conclusion of Martyrs 🥰

Series summary: In the midst of the zombie apocalypse, both you and Aemond (and your respective travel companions) find yourselves headed for the West Coast. It’s the 2024 version of the Oregon Trail, but with less dysentery and more undead antagonists. Watch out for snakes! 😉🐍

Series warnings: Language, sexual content (18+ readers only), violence, bodily injury, med school Aemond, character deaths, nature, drinking, smoking, drugs, Adventures With Aegon™️, pregnancy and childbirth, the U.S. Navy, road trip vibes.

Both the series title and epilogue title are lyrics from: “Letterbomb” by Green Day.

Word count: 4.1k

💜 All my writing can be found HERE! 💜

Autumn is the harvest, ripping up roots, preparing for the starving time of winter, and so you step through the threshold of your new life as the world is ending again.

“I knew the chances,” Sophie says when you tell her what happened; but she can’t look at you, because of course she wishes it was Rio who made it to Odessa instead, and you don’t blame her. She breaks down and leaves the house, and you sit there—silent, sorry, self-loathing—for a long time with Rio’s weeping parents and Aegon’s arm draped across the back of your chair. But then Sophie comes back inside, and through tears she says it’s nice to meet you in person at last, and then she asks if you’d like to hold Rio’s son.

Here it is commonplace to see M16s and AR-15s, marijuana growing in gardens, a myriad of flags flying from homes—Don’t Tread On Me, Trump 2024, American flags, rainbow flags, porcupines of the Libertarian Party—and order is maintained by an elected council of longtime Odessa residents. For anyone to be allowed into the community, somebody already here must take responsibility for them, and so the seven of you—eight, counting Ice—spend the first few months sleeping on Rio’s parents’ living room floor and eating meals out of their cellar, enough self-stable food to last for years. You join the construction crew and help build houses, Cregan cuts down trees and fishes and hunts, Helaena shows Aegon how to garden and Sophie teaches Luke to bake bread. There are no doctors here, but there are several unlicensed midwives and a veterinarian named Ian Whitted. Rhaena studies under him—attending every appointment and taking copious notes in the spider notebook Helaena gifts her, sharing what she learned from Aemond—and before long her sutures are quicker and cleaner than Ian’s. Daeron, considered too young and inexperienced for the most dangerous work, is posted with his compound bow inside the village to serve as a guard. He resents this until he realizes there are far more women to flirt with here than out in the forest where wolves and bears prowl and the dead rove with incurable hunger.

You work from dawn to sunset; you work so you have no time to think. The baby doesn’t feel real, and neither does Aemond being gone, and the future is so unimaginable you’d rather not try to imagine it at all. Because you’re a good shot, they want you for patrols and raids of nearby towns to search for supplies, and you take every shift you’re offered until Rhaena says you have to stop. She tells you that each time you leave, Aegon watches the door until you walk through it again, that it’s not good for him, that it’s not good for you either. She says you can’t keep running from what’s happened.

“I’m not trying to run away,” you tell her where she’s cornered you by one of the wells, lilac twilight sky and glimmers of stars, hoots of owls and children laughing as they roast marshmallows over crackling fires. “I’m trying to find my way through.”

“Fine,” Rhaena replies firmly, no room for argument. “But you’re going to do that in here where it’s safe.”

The new houses have wooden walls and kitchen fireplaces made of stones, beds with feather mattresses, plots for gardens and pens for ducks, chickens, pigs, sheep, goats, turkeys, cattle. Helaena and Cregan move into one cabin, Rhaena and Luke share another, and you have the last to yourself, the first time you’ve ever lived alone. Aegon and Daeron float around between the houses, more often than not ending up in yours as the sun is dipping below the tree line into the west, Daeron carving wooden cutlery with a hunting knife, Aegon cuddling with Ice on the deerskin rug, luring you into disastrous baking attempts and games of Uno and telling stories about Washington D.C., Djibouti, Key West, Corpus Christi, Chinhae, Diego Garcia, Saratoga Springs before the dead began to walk.

Thanksgiving dinner is at Rio’s parents’ house, Sophie’s baby sound asleep in his blue sling, candles flickering and Ice lying beneath the table to gulp down scraps that fall to the floor: roasted turkey, hazelnut stuffing, buttered carrots, mashed potatoes, pickled beets, salad with homemade ranch dressing, pumpkin pie for dessert.

“God, I miss chilidogs,” Aegon mutters beside you, and you laugh—a real laugh, loud and helpless, a lightness flooding into your arteries and the marrow of your bones—for the first time since Aemond died.

“You have to try this,” Sophie says, pouring you a small glass of moonshine distilled with apples and cherries and cinnamon. Everybody else has already had a taste except Aegon. He doesn’t drink anymore, doesn’t smoke the weed people grow here, only keeps a few tobacco plants in your garden to enjoy on rare occasions.

“I can’t,” you tell Sophie, staring at the amber-colored moonshine. You are over three months along and will be showing soon. It materializes all at once, shifts from a hazy apparition to something in full focus: next Thanksgiving you will have a fatherless infant of your own.

Sophie is puzzled. The glass of moonshine waits untouched on the table. “Why not?”

“Because I’m pregnant,” you say.

Aegon chokes on his pumpkin pie. “You’re what?!”

And everyone except Helaena drops their forks and leaps up to engulf you: How long have you known? How far along are you? Why didn’t you tell us? How can we help?

You stop lifting heavy things and stay off of ladders. Helaena brings you kale and mushrooms, Sophie knits you baby clothes, Rio’s mom makes you candles infused with essential oils, lavender, chamomile, ginger, and you lie and say they make a difference. Aegon helps you build a crib; you don’t need his help, but still, he insists. Smiling to himself, he etches two words into the headboard: Mini Chips. Wheat is planted in the fields to the north of the village. Scrap metal is scavenged for the blacksmiths to melt down to make nails and bullets. You learn to sweeten desserts with honey instead of sugar and to hold your hand flat when you feed the baby goats so they won’t nibble your fingers. You wait for winter to thaw and summer to come back around again.

It is what people would call a bad birth: hemorrhaging and lots of stitches, Rhaena squinting in the glow of the flashlights trying to piece you back together, rain outside and no lidocaine. You can’t stop crying. You feel like you’re going to die, and you’re shaking too badly to hold your own child, and you want Aemond. He would know what to do, he would know how to make the world go quiet. And the truth that he will never meet his daughter hits you over and over again like cold lethal waves, like bullets that pierce the heart.

Aegon is here instead, and you want to cling to him but you can’t; if all the others could die, so can he. But even when you look away from him to stare at the wall he stays, his hand clutching yours and never complaining even when you squeeze it hard enough to leave bruises that paint him maroon and indigo, tilting glasses filled with fresh pomegranate juice against your lips, asking Rhaena and Ian what you will need from him as you recover. Slowly the house empties and everyone goes home, but Aegon stays through the night and never leaves again.

Harmony cries a lot, as if she already knows she’s lost someone. She has trouble nursing and only sleeps for a few hours at a time. People are always coming in and out of the house: Sophie with handknit clothes and blankets for the baby, Helaena with flowers and fruit and vegetables, Rhaena with loaves of Luke’s fresh-baked bread, Cregan with firewood. At first Aegon is better with Harmony than you are. You love her, of course, and you mourn for the life you cannot give her; but you can’t shake the feeling that someone left her on your doorstep, this fragile bewildering creature you are so unequipped to soothe. Yet Aegon picks her up and she stops crying. He carries her around the house and murmurs nonsense—rules of golf, sailing knots—and she gazes up at him mesmerized; and in the peace that grows from him like weeds, wild and inevitable, you can heal.

Aegon helps you walk for the first week after the birth. He brings you meals, overflowing plates you can never finish. He respectfully averts his eyes when you nurse the baby and when he passes the bedroom as you’re changing clothes, slowly and inelegantly, every muscle feeling shredded. He falls exhausted into bed beside you with his arms crossed over his chest so he won’t reach for you in his sleep. You keep waiting for him to start craving marijuana and moonshine, to meet someone who makes him wayward again while you are left here alone, morose and unglamorous and bleeding. You care about Aegon—entirely, violently—but you are convinced you’ll never love a man again. Perhaps love is something that is always doomed to be broken, ruinous, poisoned.

When Harmony is about four months old, you begin to see Aegon differently. You can’t stop staring at the way his hair shags over his eyes when he’s bent low in the garden, you hide behind walls and listen each time you catch him singing to himself, you feel a dark desperate sense of loss when other women flirt with him, though Aegon is never more than polite in return. You find excuses to touch him, and he always acquiesces: Let me bandage the cuts on your hands, let me dab honey on your sunburn.

One night you wake to find Aegon with Harmony in the kitchen, humming and rocking her in his arms as he paces back and forth across the wood floor in his bare feet, the full moon radiant through the window, the fireplace crackling. He glances over when he notices you standing in the doorway and says: “I think this is the only thing I’ve ever been good at.”

“Aegon?”

“Yeah, Chips.”

“I’m in love with you.”

At first he is startled, and then he smiles in the firelight, a slow mischievous curve of the lips that puts stars in his eyes and shows his teeth. “Took you long enough.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Nearly ten years ago, you were learning how to be a builder at Class A Technical School in Gulfport, Mississippi, salt and sun and sweet tea and humidity that lies heavy like a second skin you can’t shed. Today you are hammering nails into boards that will be a wall of the new meeting house, twice the square footage of the old one. The community here keeps growing.

“Watch out for your fingers, Zack Attack.”

Zack looks over at you. He’s a kid, nineteen, and he’s only been here a week. He left Beaumont, Texas with a group of thirty people, one of them the cousin of a council member here. Twelve were left when they arrived. “Huh?”

“You’re holding the nail too close to the bottom,” you say. “If you swing the hammer and miss—and you will miss, everyone does sometimes, even me—you’ll crush your fingers against the wood. But if you hold the nail up near the top, the hammer will kind of knock them out of the way as it comes down, and you won’t have to worry about Rhaena or Ian popping your bones back into place.”

“Oh, cool! Thanks!” Zack readjusts his hands. “Where’d you learn to do all this?”

“The Navy.”

“Right. That makes sense.” He gives you a crooked, conspiratorial grin. “I heard you’re a good shot.”

“I am, I guess.” You don’t do patrols anymore, but you’re on the list of people to call when there’s a security breach, and you go because you have to. If Odessa is ever overrun, that will be the end of the life you’ve made here. The last scare was two months ago, a hoard that wandered up from the south, probably out of Klamath Falls. Someone knocked and you answered, leaving Aegon standing in the doorway with troubled eyes, Noah in his arms asking: Where Mama go? And Aegon had told him She’ll be back soon, buddy, but of course no one had known if that was true.

Now Zack says admiringly: “A real killer.”

You smile and give him a slap on the shoulder as you start climbing down the ladder. “I’d rather be a builder.”

“You heading out?”

“Yeah, my kids probably miss me.”

“See ya tomorrow. Bring more of Aegon’s raspberry crumb muffins.”

You laugh. “If there are any left.”

Down on the ground, bumblebees orbit tufts of wildflowers and cats prowl for mice. Sitting cross-legged on the grass are kids rubbing nails against bars of goat milk soap; it makes them go into the wood easier. They play the same way you did as a child: in the dirt, in the wild, tracking animals and building dams in the creek. They wave as you pass by. Everyone knows each other here. Everyone knows what you can do with the Beretta M9 in your holster.

Beside one of the wells, Daeron is helping a flock of tittering, blushing women pull up their buckets and plucking stray blades of grass and pine needles out of their hair. He is easily the most eligible bachelor in Odessa, and in no hurry to take himself off the market. By the schoolhouse, two teenagers are petting Ice as they listen to Aegon’s pink Sony Walkman and rap along to Gold Digger: “You will see him on tv, any given Sunday, win the Super Bowl and drive off in a Hyundai…”

But at Sophie’s house, the song you hear is Darius Rucker’s Wagon Wheel, drifting from a battery-powered boombox containing one of Rio’s dad’s cassette tapes. Aegon is already here and dusted with earth, your children clamoring around his legs as he chats with Sophie at the edge of the garden: zucchini, snap peas, tomatoes, strawberries, spinach, potatoes, cucumbers, carrots, kale. When Aegon sees you, he lights up and says to the kids: “Look! Look who’s here!” And you crouch down and open your arms so you can catch all three of them as they barrel into you on small, wobbly legs.

The second birth was much easier, the third only lasted an afternoon. Opal, three years old, is named after a gemstone that Sophie told you symbolizes hope and clarity; Noah, two and with unruly blonde hair like Aegon’s, shares a name with the man who started over when the world flooded and all the generations before were lost. You pick him up before he can trip over his own feet.

“Mama, come see!” Harmony shouts, grabbing your free hand and dragging you to a hutch full of fluffy, multicolored rabbits. Aegon is walking over to join you, his hands in his pockets and a soft smile on his lips, long blonde hair and stubbled cheeks.

“Are these the new meat rabbits?” you say without thinking, and Aegon widens his eyes at you.

Harmony peers up with a worried frown. She’s getting too smart to be shielded from such harsh realities. “Why did you call them meat rabbits?”

Aegon swoops Harmony off the ground to distract her. “Because they’re so excited to meet you!” he says as she giggles and kicks through open air.

“What are their names?” you ask to change the subject.

“Arrax,” Opal says in her toddler lisp, pointing to a grey one. And then, indicating a rabbit with long, reddish-tan fur: “Morning.”

“Those are such nice names!” you gush, a bit perplexed. Children have a certain mystery to them, one foot still in the Great Beyond, wherever souls wait to be born and reunited.

“And this one is Sunfyre,” Harmony announces proudly, reaching through the wire to scratch its straw-colored coat.

“Sunfyre?!” Aegon says. “Well now you’re just making shit up.” A pause. “Stuff. You’re making stuff up.”

“And Sunfyre is married to Dreamfyre.”

“Cute,” Aegon says. “Incestuous, but cute.”

“The post-apocalypse dating pool is limited,” you remind him.

“Have you met the Texas people yet?” Sophie asks you as she wanders over to the hutch in a handknit yellow dress, wearing elephant earrings that Rio once mailed home to her from Djibouti.

“Yeah, some of them are working on the meeting house. They seem really nice. And apparently they know how to barbeque, so that’s exciting. New recipes!”

Sophie smirks. “When they dropped by to introduce themselves, I had to have the whole conversation again.”

“Well…you did name your kid Otter.”

“Wait, wait, hold on,” Sophie says, chuckling, showing her palms. “I did not name him Otter.”

“You named him Bryan Otter Osorio. And you call him Otter.”

“Because he’s a little kid and it’s a perfectly fine nickname for now! And then when he’s older…you know…he can decide who he wants to be.”

You smile. “Sure.”

“I think it’s great, personally,” Aegon says. “I’m hoping I’ll get to name my next one Softshell Turtle.”

“Absolutely,” you deadpan. “And what if it’s a girl?”

“Softshell Turtle is obviously unisex.”

Sophie is laughing and shaking her head. “I hate you guys.”

Helaena and Cregan arrive to pick up their children, two sets of twins, all named after species of butterflies: Skipper, Adonis, Tiger, Sara. Rio’s parents bring them outside to the garden to be collected. They and Sophie like to keep the house full of children, especially now that Otter is getting older. And when they need meat or firewood or their roof patched, they know who to ask.

“I’m so sorry,” Sophie tells Helaena and Cregan as they wrangle their brood. “I’m mortified. Adonis ate Harmony’s oatmeal raisin cookie and made her cry, so Otter smacked him in the head with his golf club.” Aegon has carved miniature, lightweight clubs out of pine wood for each of the children; they zip around putting acorns and walnuts. “Adonis was freaked out but I think he’s fine now. I couldn’t find a bruise or anything. Again, I’m so, so, so sorry.”

“You okay, buckaroo?” Cregan asks, and his oldest son—brunette man bun, already pestering his dad to take him hunting—nods adamantly.

“Duh. It didn’t even hurt.”

Cregan guffaws and turns back to Sophie. “See? No harm done.”

Otter trots out of the house, rubbing his eyes like he just woke up from a nap. Harmony immediately runs over to hug him. He’s already six inches taller than her and is always giving her gifts that end up on the fireplace mantle at your house: flecks of quartz, pinecones, bracelets woven from buttercups.

Sophie asks Otter: “Did you think about what you did earlier?”

“Yeah,” he replies cavalierly.

“Would you do it again?”

“Probably.”

“Oh dear,” Sophie exhales, exasperated.

You beam down at Otter. “He’s exactly like Rio.”

“Yeah,” Sophie says wistfully, combing her fingers through his dark curly hair. “He really is.”

Rhaena and Luke happen to be strolling by and stop to say hello. Luke teaches English classes at the schoolhouse, founded the Cultural Preservation Committee, and writes and directs a new play each month. When he is in the lull between original ideas, he draws from pre-zombie pop culture. The June production is Free Britney.

“Hi!” Rhaena says, waving. “Are we still on for dinner tonight?” All the adults offer greetings and confirm they’ll swing by her and Luke’s cabin in a few hours. Then Rhaena shields her eyes from the sun as she sighs incredulously. “Do you realize there are ten women due in the next two weeks? I spend all day rushing around because they’re panicking about Braxton Hicks contractions. If I get one full night’s sleep between now and mid-July, it’ll be a miracle. Am I the only human alive who knows how to use the rhythm method? I explain it! I give lessons!”

You laugh and say: “I think people just really want babies, Rhaena.”

“They’re so sweet,” Helaena coos as she snuggles Sara against her chest.

“Gotta repopulate the planet,” Cregan adds.

Rhaena is disturbed. “I don’t feel ready for that.”

“Totally cool,” you assure her. “Helaena and I are keeping the average up.”

That night, logs pop and hiss in the fireplace and wind howls outside through the forest. On the walls are photographs of Aemond and Helaena and Daeron, drawings that the children have scribbled of you and Aegon. Propped in one corner of the living room is Aegon’s acoustic guitar; Harmony’s current favorite song for him to play is Big Girls Don’t Cry, though a slightly censored version of Fergalicious is a close second. Tomorrow is Aegon’s birthday. You have a cake hidden in one of the kitchen cabinets—cinnamon, honey, buttercream frosting—that you baked this morning before leaving for the construction site, along with 35 small homemade candles dyed green with chamomile. Every year he assumes you’ve forgotten, but you never do. You’re so thankful he was born. You are eternally finding new ways to convince him of this.

All five of you cuddle up in the big bed for story time. You begin as you always do, struggling to capture the kids’ attention as they crawl around giggling and rolling on top of each other: “Hey, hey, everyone look at me. You remember what we say.” Harmony knows this part my heart, Opal has the words mostly right, Noah gives it a solid effort as he mauls on a teddy bear Sophie knitted for him. “You’re beautiful. I love you. You’re doing the right thing.”

“What story should Mama tell tonight, huh?” Aegon asks as you open the book of fairytales borrowed from the makeshift community library, another one of Luke’s projects. “The Little Mermaid, Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Beauty and the Beast…oh wait, I think I might be in that one…”

Harmony says to you: “Tell the story about how Aemond saved us from the tower.”

Children understand death here. People get infections, people succumb to cancer or heart attacks or strokes or diabetes, people go out on raids or patrols and never come back, one man contracted rabies from a bat bite and was—at his request—euthanized via gunshot. Harmony is aware she had a father before Aegon, but that he had to go to heaven early, and so Aegon is her father now and loves her completely. She knows Aemond’s face from the photographs Helaena took from the beach house on the Pacific Ocean. She knows the kind of person he was from the stories she’s been told. Harmony envisions a fantastical castle keep instead of a stark metal transmission tower draped in dead wires, and she’s a bit unclear on the chronology of when she entered the picture, but she has heard about the journey to Odessa. Aegon’s map, annotated with glittery green gel pen ink, hangs on the kitchen wall.

You close the book, looking at Harmony: your hair, Aemond’s eyes. “Okay. I can tell that one.”

“Mama…” Her little forehead crinkles, questions she is at last getting old enough to start asking. “Why do some people have to go to heaven before they’re old?”

You hesitate, trying to decide how to explain; and now embers are glowing hot and scarring in your throat. It’s a fire that cools and rekindles but never burns out. Aegon speaks instead. “Because they’re heroes, Mini Chips,” he says gently. “They go to heaven so other people get to stay here longer. Aemond went to heaven so you and your mom could live here in Odessa with me.”

“So Otter’s daddy was a hero too?”

Aegon leans down to kiss the top of her head, his eyes shining. “Yeah. Exactly.”

Not just a hero, you think. A martyr. Someone who dies for a cause.

Harmony is patting your arm with her tiny outstretched hand. “The tower, Mama. Tell us about the tower.”

Now you are there again with Rio: sixty feet off the ground and clinging to metal beams hot enough to put blisters on your palms, cascading June sunlight and wild emerald fields, blood and madness behind you, the mirage of Oregon ahead, believing without reason that someone out there will save you.

And they will; they will.

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oraclesblog · 1 year

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🛑 Major SATSV Spoilers 🛑

I recently saw SpiderMan: Across the Spider-Verse, and it was amazing. I love all the hype the movie is getting, but I’ve been seeing a lot of Gwiles (Gwen x Miles) slander for the dumbest reasons ever. So, I thought I would just debunk some of them because it’s clear you antis struggle with media literacy. Let’s go.

1. “Gwen and Miles should’ve just stayed friends; they were so much better platonic”

Saying this just makes me think you watched the first movie with your eyes closed. In what world were they ever “just friends”?

You can’t say they were better platonic when they were never even platonic to begin with. Both Miles and Gwen had a mutual crush on one another in the first film, so they were never “just friends.” The first film was literally building up their relationship.

2. “Gwen betrayed miles in SATSV; she’s fake”

No, she didn’t. Gwen didn’t invent the laws of the multiverse, and she doesn’t run the Spider Society. It’s not Gwen’s fault that Spider-Man becoming an orphan or half an orphan is a multiversal constant. There’s nothing in her power she can do to change that. Miles being chased by all the other Spider-People wasn’t Gwen‘s fault either—that was Miguel’s. Saying stuff like “she should have told Miles about what was going to happen to his dad” again just makes me think you watched the movie with your eyes closed. Gwen wasn’t even allowed to interact with Miles. If she told Miles (a Spider-Man that isn’t even part of the Spider Society) about what was going to happen to his dad, Miguel would’ve found out and kicked her out of the Spider Society. She was almost kicked out in the first place for even talking to him. Imagine what would have happened if she told him about his dad. If she was kicked out, she would’ve been homeless because her dad disowned her. She also states in the movie that she didn’t know how to tell him about it, which makes sense because she hasn’t seen him in over a year. How would something that big and consequential come up in a conversation? Not to mention, she’s young and inexperienced as a hero. She’s gonna screw up and make mistakes. She was put in a completely unfair circumstance by the adults around her and had an enormous amount of pressure put on her shoulders. Blaming the teenage girl for a situation like this instead of Miguel, Jessica, or Peter B. is absolutely wild.

3. “They have No chemistry”

Now, this one is just completely biased. You know damn well…

these stills alone just prove you wrong. No way you watched the movie, saw the way they looked at each other and interacted, and actually said, “they don’t have chemistry.” 💀

4. Interracial Relationship Backlash

Lastly, I’ve seen people hate on Gwiles solely based on the fact that it’s an interracial relationship. The fact that this is a problem in 2023 is mind-boggling. Some of y’all are just racist bigoted people who need to learn how to stfu.

#miles morales #gwen stacy #gwiles #spiderman across the spiderverse #spiderman into the verse #spiderverse spoilers #miguel o'hara #jessica drew #peter b parker #spiderman #spider gwen #marvel #comics #part 2 of defending my favourite ships 🤞😚#ghostflower #debunking

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sunlightmurdock · 1 year

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i'm always thinking of being bradley's inexperienced controversially young girlfriend who also happens to be mav's daughter

got a lil carried away with this one bc it’s almost 2k words oops… warnings for obviously unspecified age gap, and dumbification a lil bit. Tried to keep this race inclusive despite dad Mav

I am pushing the deadbeat dad Mav agenda hard rn ,,, sorry Mav. So we all know Bradley had his issues with Mav, I’m gonna say that Bradley cut him off at around eighteen and didn’t really come back into contact with him until the events of TG:M, when he’s around 33/4. And we all know that Mav was a bit of a heartbreaker.

So, I’m going to say that it’s a while after Bradley cuts off Maverick that one of Mav’s exes comes to him and let’s him know that he has a daughter. He tries, but your relationship with him is consistently strained. You’re a lot like him and that scares him, he tries to control you and you hate that. He missed out on a lot in those years before he knew you, too.

You see him occasionally, less than frequently, through your adolescence and into early adulthood. You know all about Goose, and Goose’s son — your mother filled you in. You hadn’t ever really taken much time to think about the cute little blonde toddler dangling off of your father’s arm in of those photos from the eighties, and who he would be now. Truthfully, your intentions are as innocent as can be when you’re lounging on that beach and picking up a football that was kicked in your direction. There was no way you could’ve known who the tall, handsome brunette towering over you and asking if he knew you from somewhere was.

Sure, once you’d noticed that he was an aviator, maybe that should have put you off a little bit — but growing up this close to Miramar, if you struck off every guy in the Navy, you’d be single forever. And Rooster, the name he had given you, was a dream.

From that first day, inviting you and your friends to join his at their little bonfire on the beach, you had been hooked. Pretty brown eyes and a smile that made you want to melt, he drew you in and left the rest up to you. Inviting you to that bonfire, sitting at your side, acting like he was the perfect gentleman. Letting you do the work, prove that you wanted him.

And you had. Giggling at something that would soon spin into a full-blown inside joke between the two of you, you touched him for the first time. Just you palm, skimming briefly across his knee as you leaned into him, laughing.

Then, your arm looping around his as you shifted closer to keep warm. He chides you about not dressing appropriately for the late April weather, you remind him of his age. He smiles, hearing old man roll off your tongue, knowing that it’s anything but an insult coming from your mouth.

He doesn’t kiss you in front of his friends. You ask him to walk you home, already knowing that he will, since he’s such a gentleman. You weren’t planning on staying out that night, the t-shirt you had brought to wear over your swimsuit does nothing to protect you from that evening chill. But his arm does, when he’s got it draped around your shoulders, cuddling you into his side as you walk.

He’s bigger, far warmer, than you are. He tells you about his adventures as he walks you home. At your door, you both know that this isn’t going to be a kiss on the cheek goodbye. Still, he plays your game like it will be. His giant hand eclipsing the nape of your neck, pulling you into him so that he can kiss you. Up close, your head tips almost all the way back as he lips touch slowly against yours. Brief, disarmingly tender.

And then he pulls back, and he��s staring at you with those big, brown eyes and the freckles on his nose and those forming smile lines. You really can’t take any of the blame for the decisions you make when he’s staring at you like that.

You press forwards and kiss him again, harder than he had kissed you. If it had been anyone else, he might have been knocked back by your enthusiastic kiss, but he isn’t. He’s steady, grabbing your hips and walking back until you’re hitting your front door. Your heart’s beating a million times a minute and you’re willing yourself not to get in your head about this.

He lets you lead him through into your bedroom, your fingers knitted between his as you guide him along. Your buzz wearing off, he feels your confidence starting to falter as his hands are pushing up and under that thin t-shirt.

His voice feels like silk, making you close your eyes and hum eagerly in agreement as he asks if you’ll let him see you. Your experience doesn’t match his, that’s clear, but you don’t feel left behind. Even though it’s far from slow, he keeps you with him, setting the pace and making sure that you can keep up. He pulls you out of the bikini you had worn to the beach, working his warm mouth over each inch of newly uncovered skin.

You’ve had guys go down on you before, this isn’t the first time. You expect it to go as it always does: a few seconds of eager lapping at a spot vaguely close to your clit, and then him to pull back and start pushing down his shorts. As it turns out, you’re not as experienced as you had thought. Not when it comes to the things that Bradley can show you.

He presses two, thick fingers over your core and guides your excitement upwards, working them in slow, methodical circles around your core. God, pilots and their fucking steady hands. You’ve got Bradley moaning into your soaked cunt, his cock straining so hard against his shorts that he thinks for a second he might cum in them like some teenager.

Your thighs bracketing his ears, his fingers pressing hard into the soft flesh of your stomach as he holds you down to the mattress. You’re so sensitive, more fidgety than he’s used to — you can tell that he likes this.

He’s been thinking about this since he saw you laying in the sand, talking to your friends with that pretty little smile on your face. He groans as you jolt against his firm, wet tongue, pressing his fingers into you up to the knuckle. Your slick walls take the two digits perfectly, your back arching away from your sheets, rolling your hips down onto his tongue.

You’ll be embarrassed about that later, when he’s trailing his fingers along your bare stomach and he’s grinning, reminding you how you had chanted his name. It’s something that, with Rooster, you quickly learn not to be embarrassed about. He adores it when you do that.

Bradley sits back on his knees and pops open the button to his shorts, dragging the zipper down slowly, his muscled chest heaving. Kneeling over you like that, just watching you come down from clearly the most intense orgasm you’ve ever had, he’s pleased with himself. And you, so eager and willing, are propping yourself up like you’re ready for more.

He cards a hand gently over the top of your hair, precise in his ability not to catch his fingers or tug at your texture, just caressing the back of your head as you sit up and kiss feverishly across his toned stomach.

You nose at the almost blonde trail of hair below his navel, following him as he pushes the band of his shorts down just enough to let his cock spring free. It sits in front of your chin as you look up at him and swallow.

“Another time.” He decides, giving the nape of your neck a quick squeeze with an amused smile on his lips.

Then, he’s pulling you under him, your hands are in his hair and your legs are hooked around his waist. He’s grinding the tip of his cock back and forth over your overstimulated core, gripping your jaw and sucking at your neck.

You whimper softly when he finally decides to give you what you’ve been begging him for, the tip of his cock pressing into you, his mouth trailing your jaw. The stretch is there, but it’s not a feeling of discomfort— just a brief need for pause — you barely notice it when he’s squeezing at your tits and telling you that you’re taking him so well.

Grabbing onto his thick shoulders, pressing your heel into the small of his back, lifting your head to try to kiss his plush lips.

He fucks you hard from the moment that you’ve eased into it, pounding into you until you’re too dumb to even beg him to keep going. But, he’s so tender about it. Groaning like he’s got some sympathy for how dumb he’s making you, kissing you softly while his hand’s knotted into your hair and tugging at your roots.

And he doesn’t leave right after, either, he kisses your cheeks, your chest until your head finally stops spinning long enough for you to laugh and swat him away.

“So, when am I seeing you again?” He asks, squeezing those big palms of his around your hips, still nestled between your legs even now that he’s back in his boxers. You should be shy, with the wolfish way that his gaze will drop occasionally to rake over your naked body. But you aren’t. You want him to keep looking.

“Mm, I have to meet my dad for something tomorrow,” You give a small shrug and glance behind you to see what you’re lying uncomfortably back against. Bradley’s lips quirk as you tug the stuffed rabbit from behind you and hug it to your chest. “I’m free after seven.”

He leans down, squashing the rabbit between your chest and his to kiss your lips. “How about you come over to my place and I’ll fuck you in a bed without so many guests in it?”

Your cheeks burn at his acknowledgment of the couple of stuffed animals you’ve got dotted around, but you grin and nod anyway.

“You want me to pick you up?” Bradley offers, kneading at the flesh of your thighs with his warm hands, kissing you slowly again.

“Mm, no,” You give a quick shake of your head and press your foot into his thigh, “My dad would probably just interrogate you. I’ll drive.”

Bradley chuckes, handsome in the warm glow of your bedside lamp as he slides his hands down and squeezes at your ankles. “Well, sure. He’s gotta make sure you’re safe.”

“Mhm,” You nod your head slowly, sitting up and hooking your legs over his hips, crawling into his lap. Your arms drape around his thick shoulders. “I don’t think he’d like the thought of me and you together very much.”

Both of you unknowing, Bradley just chuckles and turns his face in towards the crook of your neck to leave you with a kiss.

anyway how long do we think the two of you make it before Maverick finds out?

#bradley bradshaw #bradley rooster bradshaw #miles teller #bradley bradshaw smut #thots night (:

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chaifootsteps · 7 months

Note

On the subject of “bad studios”… sorry this is a little long …

I wanna preface by saying I’m not trying to make excuses for studios nor am I trying to discredit or blame any victims of workplace neglect/abuse who have spoken out.

All that said I’ve seen a continuous trend that I feel I need to voice. And it’s mainly around two areas: 1. Folks not being aware of how a studio is being run and instead reacting to their personal perceptions, and 2. Workers expecting “too much” from a small studio.

In a perfect world, everyone would have all the access and money they need to treat their workers with complete and absolute stability and comfort. But we don’t live in that world.

For 1, especially if workers or critics do not have industry experience they can only react to their personal perceptions of events or assumptions. And we have a LOT of young green artists entering right now. Best comparison I can think is if a studio hires you as a contractor and then later you go on to say “they won’t even pay my medical bills and that’s wrong” it’s not “wrong”, that’s quite frankly the norm for contract work.

Does it suck that that’s the norm? Yes. Have the employers committed neglect by not including health insurance in contract work? No.

For 2, small studios have to cut a lot of corners due to their size and even if they don’t they simply cannot function like a big studio, they don’t have the resources to. This can result in a lot of poor choices in attempts to make up for that, and general workplace drama and stress, especially if they are trying to function like a big studio w/o the resources to do so. But if you as a worker know what to expect going in (that it’s not going to be a perfect experience at a small studio and chances are you can’t bank on it for genuine financial support) you’re more likely to avoid that drama/stress or at least be prepared for it.

All that said there’s definitely exceptions to these rules especially when a studio/higher ups at the studio are unprofessional and/or inexperienced. There’s simply a threshold that needs to be kept in mind of “is this to be expected” and “is there a pattern of problems.”

In a case like Glitch, we have some details coming out, so we can put our guard up and keep an eye out to see if worse details come out and a pattern forms.

In a case like Spindlehorse, we’ve had more than enough people speak up about working there that’s been a continual pattern. They could’ve been excused from some things their first few years getting their footing—but it’s been far too long and they should know better by now rather than continuing with obvious foundation issues.

In a case like Lackadaisy, we haven’t really seen any folks speak up about poor working conditions, but we have seen leaders who are very transparent, professional, and humble about the mistakes they’ve made/weaknesses they have and what they’re doing about them to improve.

Just wanted to share all that.

I think one very important thing people don't keep in mind is that not all indie studios are created equal. You've got productions like Far-Fetched and Monkey Wrench where every last cent the creators can possibly spare is going into it, and there's an expectation that pay is probably going to be low. There's Lackadaisy, which is a lot better off but still not exactly rolling in it, but extremely committed to doing right by its employees.

Then there's Spindlehorse and Glitch, which can absolutely afford to pay and treat their employees better, they just don't want to.

#Anonymous #viv stuff #vivziepop critical #spindlehorse critical #actual blog post

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ninapi · 1 year

Text

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Save me (Oikawa Version)

Premise: After a turbulent relationship and over a year of therapy, Oikawa gets a chance to redeem himself.

Word count: 4896

Note: This isn’t an entire route, it’s just an alternate ending to Semi’s route, meaning you would need to read his route first to understand what’s going on (link here). So, this is a second version of chapter 6, basically. You choose who you want to end up with~ 🫣

Bonus Chapter: Alternate Good Ending

Oikawa Tōru was a complex human being.

He’s had many girls throughout his life, but only one actually meant something to him.

Being his first official girlfriend, all those years of young love and exploration of one-self dug deep into his own essence.

His journey was not an easy one, he had to deal with problems some of us don’t get to face until adulthood, from a very young age. Had feelings nobody should have. Awful, awful thoughts. His way of coping wasn’t the best and he ended up hurting that one person he held dear, the only one who truly needed his protection and love, the one who saw past all his charm and accepted him even with his many flaws. He ended up losing the only woman he had ever truly loved in his life.

And it was all his fault.

Back when he was in middle school and you two had been dating for a while, he was confident that he was in love with you, he couldn’t differentiate between true love and obsession. No one can blame him for that though, he was still young and inexperienced. He didn’t know better.

But when he realized he was indeed in love with you, very much so, you were already someone else’s girl.

Iwaizumi thought him realizing that would finally put an end to the vicious cycle he had with you, but it was the opposite.

Understanding his past was tough. He knew you were special to him and that’s why he felt threatened, he didn’t want to lose you the way he lost his shiny spot in the volleyball team, those two were the most precious to him at the time and he had already lost one to the same person. He was jealous, scared, he felt pathetic and developed and inferiority complex. He wanted to be seen as the best just as he was before, he was still handsome, still popular, still had his girl, so why did he feel so angry all the time back then?

Took years of loneliness and therapy to realize what he really needed.

He needed to work on himself, he needed to accept there will always be someone better. Understand that nothing lasts forever, and he can’t take people for granted. He needed to work hard if he ever wanted to completely get rid of all those ill feelings and insecurities.

But he wasn’t alone.

He had a loyal best friend who never left his side, no matter how often he said he hated his guts, he was always there for him whenever he needed him to be. Always there to support him silently, always there to slap him on the face with the ugly truth and embrace his weeping defeated self. He was blessed with a true friend, those aren’t easy to find, and he felt grateful for his existence, even if Iwaizumi didn’t appreciate the amount of affection he received back in appreciation.

But most importantly, he had you.

You were the reason he went to therapy to begin with. Without you pushing for his well-being, he would still be his old self, and nobody wishes to ever see that guy again, not even him.

Even if you had a boyfriend of your own, you never missed one of his therapy sessions. Once, he even had to carry you on his back all the way to your school since you had a very high fever but still decided he needed you there and stayed till the very end.

You never put yourself first, he wouldn’t exactly say that is a virtue, it causes great pain to you and those around you, but he was grateful for it. Thanks to your selflessness, he was who he was now. You helped him get his shit together more than once. You helped him grow; you helped him heal.

That’s when he fell for you for real.

That’s when he finally understood what love truly was.

It was hard for him to accept you weren’t his to take any longer. If he was being honest, he still wanted you by his side. Those moments you would hold his hand during a particularly hard session, those moments you would end up crying just because he was and you just couldn’t hold back your own tears, those moments you answered your phone no matter how late it was just because he was feeling lonely and wanted to hear your voice, those were the hardest. He knew he was at fault, but reality was awful especially when you can’t run away from it anymore.

•───────•°•❀•°•───────•

When he was deemed ready to end up his therapy sessions, he decided he wanted to travel the world, follow his hero and try to regain his life back, let his dreams become a reality.

He still wanted to go into professional volleyball, but even if he wasn’t escaping reality anymore, he was still running away.

He didn’t want to be constantly reminded of his past, he wanted to embrace his new self and follow his lost dream, heading to Argentina.

Iwaizumi and him still talk basically every day and you, well he still called you constantly. More messages than anything else, it was still hard on him to hear your voice or see your face, even after all these years, after all the women in his life, he still feels sad every time he thinks of you, of the future he could have had.

One night, after the longest practice ever, he called Iwaizumi, he was excited because he would be flying back to Japan with his team in just a few hours, finally the time to kick Kageyama and Ushijima on the face once and for all. But he wasn’t expecting to hear this when he dialed, “Shittykawa, is it because of (Y/N)? Is that why you’re coming back?” he was honestly confused, didn’t he know his team was playing against his own back home? “What do you mean, Iwa-chan? Did something happen to her?” the long sigh that left Iwaizumi’s lips was making him anxious, he screwed up, might as well just tell him, “Didn’t you hear she broke up with the Shiratorizawa setter? I thought that’s why you were so eager to come back.”

You what? Why haven’t you said anything? Is this why you were in a bad mood the other day? “What happened?” he was now sitting on the floor, biting one of his fingernails off, “Ugh, not sure. She just said they drifted apart. She wasn’t sad or anything. I guess it just happens when you are with someone for such a long time, especially since they were together since high school. We are all different people than we were before, it’s normal that interests change over time.”

It was probably normal, yes. But not for him. He was still in deep for you and just the thought of you not being bound to anyone anymore opened a window of hope in his heart that had been closed for the longest of times.

“I see. Well let’s go out the three of us when I get back. We can go get some beers or something. Cheer her up.” he was trying to sound composed even if his brain was going a thousand miles per hour. He needed to pack fancy outfits, maybe even get a haircut. He wanted to impress you, he should go shopping for souvenirs as early as possible before his flight. You would look the cutest with one of those “I ♡ Argentina” touristy shirts.

“You still there?” Oikawa lost track of time and didn’t realize his friend had stopped talking completely by then, knowing his friend wasn’t listening. “Yeah, sorry, got distracted. What did you say?”

“Just that I’ll text (Y/N), I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you, it’s been long since the three of us were together in the same room.” it was definitely better to let him do it, you never say no to him. “Yeah, please do. I’ll take you some of that expensive liquor you liked the last time.” not like he needed a bribe. Truth is, it hasn’t been long since his girlfriend left him for some other Olympic player, his stoic personality and work addiction wouldn’t let him keep a girl for long; he also craved a night out with his friends, people he knows care for him deeply and not for his achievements in the industry, “I’d like that, yeah. I’ll see you after the game then. I’d wish you luck, but you’re playing against my boys.” after some more bickering and a couple of good laughs, Oikawa packed an extra suitcase full of stuff, ready to embark on a journey he never expected he would be in again.

•───────•°•❀•°•───────•

“You’ve gotten better, Tōru.” the sound of your voice coming from behind, made his world spin. He knew you were there; he saw you on the bleachers. Thankfully you weren’t holding any sign, his heart wouldn’t be able to take it if he saw you with an Ushijima banner, or worse, a Kageyama one.

“(Y/N)….” he gave you the softest smile you’ve ever seen in his face, quickly gathering you in his arms, “I’ve missed you so much. How have you been?” the softness of your body pressing against his made his senses go wild, this was the first time he’s seen you as an adult in real life, have your curves fit perfectly against his heavy muscle, it was turning his insides into mush.

“Could be better. But seeing you and Iwaizumi-san is brightening my mood.” he smiled against your hair, giving you a gentle squeeze before letting you go. “It better be! Just wait until you see the suitcase full of stuff I brought for you.” chuckling you waved him off and he went into the locker room to get himself cleaned up and ready for your outing.

Iwaizumi had his car already waiting for him at the entrance of the gym and you were chilling on the backseat. He jumped in beside you, leaving Iwaizumi alone at the front, “Do you think I’m a taxi or something? Get your ass here right now.” you pushed him playfully, angry Iwaizumi was always your favorite, “Go Tōru. I’ll be fine.” but his pouty self was all over you, whining about how he hasn’t seen you in so, so long and he needed to recharge his (Y/N) battery which was pretty low by now.

“I fucking hate your soul.” He could say all he wanted, but he was happy to have his friend back, it’s been a long time since he heard both of your happy bickering, it made his chest feel warm and fuzzy thinking of days when life was simpler and full of emotions.

Iwaizumi chose a private high-end Izakaya for their outing, he wanted to let his heart drown in expensive alcohol while chatting with his childhood friends. You weren’t the biggest drinker there was but agreed on having a glass of wine with them for the sake of old times.

“He just wanna get you drunk, (Y/N). Men are wolves, never forget that.” you’ve never seen someone’s face get this red, could even rival tomato skin. “Iwaizumi-san, you’re the one that's drunk. How are we going to get you home? You’re the one driving and I don’t even know where you live now.” your cheeks where slightly pink too, not used to the alcohol in your blood stream, your breath was a bit ragged as well and it was becoming hard to even breathe for the man sitting beside you. He couldn’t let this evening to end this way. He needed more of you.

“Give me your keys, Iwa-chan. Let’s all stay in my hotel room tonight.” the idea got you chocking on your wine, “I’m fine, Tōru. I can take a taxi home; you take care of Iwaizumi-san.” Bending over the table, you pat Iwaizumi’s jacket looking for the keys of his car, giving Oikawa a view to remember. He’s never been anywhere near intimate with you, the closest you got to anything steamy were forceful kisses, nothing to be proud of, but damn, life has been good to you.

“Nonsense. I won’t be here for long; I want to spend more time with you. Besides, I gotta give you all the stuff I brought for you! C’mon, love.” petting your thigh in a tender way, he got up to take care of the bill and take you both to his fancy hotel.

Iwaizumi was heavy, to say the least.

Taking him into the car and then in the hotel was a complete mess. He threw up twice, all over his nice shirt and you ended up making him sleep in the bathtub instead of the bed, just in case.

“Wow, that’s what I call an intense night” chuckled Oikawa, plopping onto the sofa of the room, “Tell me about it, my hair smells like barf. Can I borrow one of your shirts? I would like to wash my hair off in your sink and change into something clean.” he had the brilliant idea of giving you the shirt he bought for you, he got it oversized on purpose, the thought of you sleeping in it was enough to make him lose sleep during his flight.

You laughed when you saw the shirt he ‘wholeheartedly’ got for you, going back into the bathroom and slipping out of your disgustingly dirty dress, washing your hair quickly after.

Toweling your hair dry, you went back out into the main room, as clean as someone can be in a night like that and sat beside Oikawa who was scrolling through his phone. “Wait- Did you just get yourself naked in the same bathroom Iwa-chan is in right now???? How can he see you naked before me? That makes no sense.” he was now clinging onto your arm, pouting like the spoiled baby he was. “He did not see me naked, Tōru. He is unconscious, remember?” managing to peal him off of you, you laughed at his silly behavior, is like he hasn’t changed at all, his fourteen-year-old self flooding your head with warm memories. “Having your eyes closed and being unconscious is very different, (Y/N)! What if he saw you?? I would have to kill him!” in the past, those words would have made you flee and take Iwaizumi with you, but you knew he was not a danger to any of you anymore, you trusted him now, he’s earned that trust over the years, he was just being silly as usual.

“So, are you going to kill everyone whose seen me naked? What about my doctor?” his loud gasp made you burst out laughing, he is still adorable. “Ok then let’s make a rule. From today on, nobody but me, or your doctor, can see you naked. Otherwise, I will gauge their eyes out.” he kept on pouting, crossing his arms on his chest to make a statement. He was expecting you to laugh once more, but you didn’t, “So you know, huh?” you were looking down, playing with your hands. He didn’t know how to mention it, but he wanted to know more, this was the best he could come up with. “Iwa-chan told me, yeah. Are you ok?” he reached over for one of your hands, rubbing it gently with his thumb. “Yeah, I’m ok. We just had different goals in life, you know? He had his life all planned out while I…I don’t even know what I want, I thought I did, but I noticed things weren’t what I expected them to be. I went to school and got a degree like I was supposed to, I got a good job, got promoted even…”

“But you weren’t happy?” you just nodded, laying your head on his shoulder. “How about you come with me to Argentina for a while? Traveling did wonders for me. It made me have a clear head and set up some goals. You can stay with me, don’t even need to think about money. And don’t worry, I’m not trying to take advantage of the situation here; I just think a change of scenery could do you some good. Food’s pretty delicious there too.” Were you going crazy now? That actually sounded like a lovely idea. Argentina wasn’t in your to-do list, but it was far enough for nobody to know who you were, for nobody to judge your life choices.

“Would that be ok, Tōru? Don’t you have a girl or something? I don’t want to cause you any troubles. I can figure things out on my own.” you looked up at him through your lashes and his heart skipped a few beats.

You were still his beloved princess in his eyes, you meant the world to him and he wanted you to know that. “Nope, the only girl in my life is fifty-eight-year-old Sonia that cleans my house once a week.” Hearing your laughter gave him butterflies. Is this what teenage girls feel when they have a crush? Or is this how an adult male feel when he’s in love? Not like it matters but he wondered either way.

“Alright, I guess I can take some days off. I wanted to transfer to another part of the country anyways. It’s hard finding closure when you see your ex every day.”

“It’s set then, let me get your ticket ready. I have to go back the day after tomorrow. I’ll take you to your place tomorrow morning so you can get your things ready.” you nodded in between yawns, hauling such a heavy mountain of muscle was taking a toll on your body by now, “Thank you, Tōru. I’ll transfer the money of the ticket back to you tomorrow then.” you kissed his cheek, before turning into a ball on your side of the sofa, ready to go to sleep. “Sleep in the bed, pumpkin. I’ll take the sofa.” he tickled your feet, still very much occupied booking your flight. He’s never really stopped calling you silly pet names but they were really hitting hard tonight. “You should be more tired, I’ll be fine here, I’m tinier than you.”

Once he was done with the purchase, he held you up effortlessly, taking you over to the bed and turning off the lights on his way. You thought he’d just leave you there and go back to the sofa, but he didn’t. He got in bed with you and fell asleep as quick as it all happened, minding his distance to avoid making you feel uncomfortable.

Sleep reached you just as fast and the next thing you noticed were Iwaizumi’s groans, too close for comfort and the bright light of the next morning hitting your face from a badly closed window. “Did you really have to sleep together while I was in the same room? Have some decency, please. I didn’t need to see this.” Confused, you looked around sleepily. Your head was on Oikawa’s chest, he somehow ended up shirtless during the night and was holding one of your thighs up with one of his large hands, keeping you in place and riling the shirt you were wearing way to high, giving a very descriptive view of your lacy underwear to a traumatized Iwaizumi.

You sat up straight immediately, covering yourself. “It isn’t what it looks like. We didn’t ‘sleep together’ just ‘slept together’ if that makes sense. You know what I mean! Shared the same bed, no bodily fluids involved.” his hangover was killing him and your cute blushy face and disheveled self was giving him more troubles than it should, “For fuck sakes, (Y/N), just shut up, you’re only making it worse.”

“Morning, sunshine.” mumbled Oikawa groggily, burring his face on the side of your bum, hugging you closer. “Yeah right, not what it looks like. Where are my keys?” you pointed over to the nightstand, hiding your face with your hair in shame.

“Tell shittykawa I’m taking my booze. See you around, (Y/N).” you called after him, wanting his approval for what was coming next, you always valued his opinion after all. “Iwaizumi-san…. Tōru got me a plane ticket to go with him to Argentina for a few days to clear my head. Am I doing the right thing? Do you think this could trigger him back in any way? If you tell me I shouldn’t do this, I won’t.”

Oikawa was very much awake, bawling his hands onto your shirt, “You are a grown woman, (Y/N). Do what your heart tells you to. I know you won’t use him as a bounce back, you would never do that to anyone. I trust you; I know you’ve always had his best interest at heart. It’s time you do what you want to do for a change. You don’t need my permission, or Semi’s. But know you’ll always have me for whatever you might need.” Having his full support made your heart feel full, he’s always had your back even when things were really bad, hearing him say this was all you needed to feel at ease. “Thank you, hope you know I’m always here for you too, so is Tōru. I know something’s bothering you, we’ll always be here if you need to talk, just let us know when you’re ready to do so.” the soft look on your face gave him a pretty good idea of why Oikawa would just not get over you, no matter what, you were really something, “I know, I’ll be fine. Worry about you some more, will you.” grumbling, he left you behind on his way back to his own place, in deep need of a shower and some aspirin.

“I know you’re awake, Tōru.” you threaded your fingers through his short hair, his face still very much pressed to the bare skin of your thigh, “You know I would never hurt you again, right?” his mumbling brought back memories, he was still a bit unsure of his own self, still very ashamed of what he did in the past and how he hurt you, he knows you said you forgave him but would his presence still bother you? He wanted to erase all those bad memories from your head and replace them with the good ones you shared back then.

“Of course, I know. I also know you didn’t do it on purpose. C’mere.” you laid back down, bringing him to rest on your chest, soothing his ill feelings. “I just want you to be comfortable around me, I won’t lay a hand on you or tell you nasty stuff ever again. You’re the most precious being in my eyes, just wanted you to know that.” his face was now buried on the crook of your neck, holding you as close as it was humanly possible. “Well, I see two of your hands on me right now, mister.” you tried lightening up the mood, this was a good thing, for both of you. “You know what I mean, (Y/N)…” he whined, clinging onto you for dear life, “I know, I was joking. I’m not scared of you, Tōru. I trust you, I know you won’t hurt me again. You worked so hard to get where you are right now, I know you won’t go back to it.” you stayed that way in bed for an hour or so more, you thought you were soothing him, but in reality, having him cling to you, telling you sweet nothings was making you feel so much lighter, he ended up soothing you instead. Suddenly all your problems didn’t matter anymore, your discontent with your job, your lack of ambition and motivation, the break-up, everything just got out of your head and was replaced with excitement.

What would Argentina be like? You know nothing about said place, but Tōru loves it, it must be really cool and oh my god, food! You just can’t wait to try it all.

He was right, this was probably what you needed.

•───────•°•❀•°•───────•

“Tōru, why am I sitting in first class? I can’t possibly afford this!” you whisper-yelled over to him, taking a seat beside him and double checking your boarding pass to make sure this was in fact your seat, “We all travel in first class, the government pays for it. I can’t just let you sit on economy on your own when we are having delicious food here.” you totally forgot he was actually representing a country, he was a celebrity of some sort, it made sense he traveled in first class, “But Tōru, this is a hell of a long flight, how much did this even cost? You keep on ignoring me every time I ask for your account to transfer the money!” he shushed you with his index finger to your lips, fixing your seat onto a more comfortable position, “Just relax, ok? I put you through some hardcore stuff in life, let me spoil you a bit.” his flirty wink and smile were doing things to your heart, but his teammates were also sitting beside you, enjoying the show.

“Never seen you pay for something this expensive for a girl, Oikawa. Even beers are too expensive for you when we go clubbing. I wonder, what does it take to break the man this much?” you know you’ve seen his face, he was a member of his team, older than you if you’re not mistaken. “I, ugh. We’ve known each other for a long time. I’m (Y/N) by the way.” your shy but bashful smile made the older man blush, “She’s my ex, my best girl, the love of my life, the caramel to my macchiato.” snuggling his face onto your cheek he kept on mumbling nonsense, his eyes never leaving his teammate’s, “That serious, huh? How long were you two together? I’ve never seen you last over a month with someone, a first-class seat must cost a good number of days.”

“Ummm, almost three years, right Tōru?” he nodded, reaching over for the airline blanket to cover you from the chilly air. “Yeah, something like that. Hope you know what that means.” his smile was more like a threat, he didn’t want his teammates blabbing about his adventurous ways with other women, you were special, you meant something true to him. “Got it, I’ll just shut up now. If you need anything let me know, (Y/N) was it? I can show you around town, I know the best restaurants. Hope you booked a hotel in a good area, where are you staying?” he was genuinely trying to be of any help, but it was causing Oikawa’s bile to boil, “She’s staying with me in my house. Don’t worry, I’ll take her to all the nice places.” he was now placing the noise cancelling headphones over your ears, looking for a movie on your screen, “Is this movie good enough, love?” you just nodded, hugging his arm and getting comfy for the long ride. The familiarity of it all was causing a few gasps here and there in the cabin but thankfully, you couldn’t hear them.

•───────•°•❀•°•───────•

Argentina was a beautiful country.

Tōru took you sightseeing every time his schedule allowed him to do so. Every day felt new and refreshing, from hiking, to foodie adventures, to beach trips, every day was filled with excitement and laughter. You didn’t know you needed vacations this bad. You’ve been overworking yourself pretty much since high school and never really had a purpose in mind. You knew you wanted to have a well-paid job, stability, a place to belong and function in society, but Miyagi’s government wasn’t what you expected it would be. Office work was boring, you even had to use fax machines, who uses fax machines these days?

Life in general was way too boring back home, Semi was always busy, either with work or with his band affairs. You were consumed with working overtime and life had lost all color to you for a while now. Semi was the one to initiate the breakup, he was feeling the same way, he had no time for a relationship and felt bad about it. Love wears out if you don’t dedicate enough time to it and that was something his life lacked of, time.

But this, this was different.

Everyone there looked so free and happy. There was so much life in the streets. You kindda didn’t want to go back, and Oikawa could read you like an open book.

His advances on you had been slow. He didn’t want to freak you out, but he was confident now that you didn’t mind him sneaking tiny kisses here and there or his arms being wrapped around you at all times.

“Baby girl, why don’t you just quit your job? Stay here for good.” you were both on his balcony, enjoying the sunrise. It was bright and early, you’ve been talking all night, sleep never hitting any of you. His arms were wrapped lazily around your waist, holding you from behind, his lips trailing your ear lightly trying to sway you, “Sounds tempting. But what would I do here, Tōru? I can’t keep living off of you, doesn’t matter how much money you have.” You’ve been seriously considering not returning, at least for a while, but you didn’t want to overstay, what if he didn’t want you there? He gets bored of things quite easily. “How about you apply to the Japan embassy here? You have experience working for the government, I bet you could transfer here.” that was a brilliant idea actually, “Would be a stuck-up job still though, but I can put in your life all the spices you may need.” his low chuckle right by your ear was driving you insane, it was hard to think properly when he just wouldn’t keep his hands to himself.

“Alright, I guess that could work.”

He turned you around in a swift move, pressing his lips on yours gently, testing the waters. When you wrapped your arms around his neck, he deepened the kiss pouring all his adoration towards you in it.

The beautiful pinkish sky was left to be the only witness to the continuation of your love story.

○●○●○●○●●○●○●○●○●●○●○●○●○●

Tagged babes: @dazaisfavgf, @lauraagrace

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luckystarchild · 8 months

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"But he’s still a teenage boy in the end, and his youth and inexperience led him (as youth and inexperience have led us all) to making some less-than-stellar choices. I can’t really blame him for that, even if I don’t approve of it." About this line, I understood the part of kuwabara being an inexperienced guy but did not understand the less-than-stellar choices and I can't really blame him for that, even if I don't approve of it part?

"Kuwabara makes less-than-stellar choices" = Kuwabara doesn't make good choices all the time.

"I can't really blame him for that" = Because he is young, I can't blame him for making bad choices. Making bad choices is part of youth.

"even if I don't approve of it" = I do not approve of the bad choices he makes no matter what extenuating circumstances cause him to make those decisions.

I do not approve of his actions all the time, but I also do not condemn him as a person, because I understand he makes those choices due to his youth. You can't blame him for his youth; that's something he can't help.

#yu yu hakusho #yyh #kuwabara

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blackleopardgirl · 2 years

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youtube

I don’t know why, it’s just I notice this trend where when people have faves, and their favorite musical artist does something detrimental to this career or life, they blame the girlfriend. Or I notice the girlfriends might do fucked up or shady shit and then the fans because they need someone to blame because they’re mad their favorite artists behavior led to the end of their lives. The people in the comments were alluding to ally being the reason he fell down a rabbit hole of more destructive drug use…anyone who’s an adult knows you can’t MAKE anybody take AN UNDESIGNATED/DANGEROUS NUMBER OF PRESCRIPTION DRUGS. I don’t know if it’s because the fans are so young and they’re inexperienced with real life, or because they don’t want to admit that their favorite artist was the reason for his own death. Due to his own foolish decisions and active choices. Overall it’s sad and i never wish death or ill situations on anyone.

#Youtube

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embossedpaper · 2 years

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There once was a young promising college student

There once was a young promising college student who got his first car on his 21st birthday. His mom handed over the keys along with a few words of advice:

"Don't drink and drive. Fill it up with premium gas and remember to change the oil every 3,000 miles."

Nothing out of the ordinary; just basic car safety and maintenance. Reflective Sheeting film Beaming, the young man replied,

For the most part, it was easy. The car ran like a dream and he went everywhere in it all the time. The brakes and suspension were super tight. It also didn't cost a whole lot of money to keep the car running smoothly, especially since regular gas was much cheaper than premium and there wasn't any noticeable drop off in performance.

He did take note when the odometer zeroed out at 66,000 miles and then again at the 70,000 mark a few short months later, but his thoughts centered mainly around how cool all the zeros looked. All in all, life was pretty darn swell for the young man and his car.

The first symptoms were hardly noticed: An occasional delay starting the engine; a sudden backfire here and there morphed into a stead creaking squeak in the chassis which eventually joined forces with a shuddering wobble whenever he braked hard. But after warming up on the road, the car ran pretty much like it always had.

The end came quickly one bitter cold morning. The young man jumped in his car and turned the key. Nothing happened. He turned the key again. He pumped the gas pedal twisting the key back and forth in a frantic panic.

Looking back, he had no one to blame but himself. His mother had given him good advice. His car had let him know early on that things were going wrong. Granted he was inexperienced, but there was no excuse for ignoring the obvious.

Why the young man did nothing when he was given every opportunity to address the problems long before they became unfixable is at the heart of the matter. As for the young man, he moved to New York City and joined the ranks of the walking masses.

However, you can't just walk away from a health problem, at least not for every long. Your body has ways of forcing you to pay if you've ignore it long enough.

Things don't usually start out that way. Back when pizza, burgers snack cakes and bagels with cream cheese and butter were your friends you had no concerns about your health. You could drink beer after beer, down multiple tequila shots, puff on cigarettes, take multiple bong hits and get very little sleep with little or no consequence.

Then gradually, imperceptibly, those same foods cause a negative backlash. Now, that same slice of pizza and beer settle like bronze paperweights in your stomach. Your knees and elbows pop and creak when sitting, or standing, while your favorite red meat goes down easy then comes back again and again in a nasty backwash of acidic broth.

Toxemia (symptomatic illness) takes a decade or so to affect your everyday life. Yet, the funny thing is most people are ready and willing to accept this slow demise of their health, citing the "natural aging process" or a "bad gene pool" as the reason why they can no longer sleep or take a meaningful poop.

Misery always loves a house full of company and commiserating about the "good ol' days" of having some decent pep in your step is something we're fond of doing. There's a certain amount of comfort in knowing that everyone else feels just as terrible as you do.

Sadly, the laughter fades when someone gets cancer, Type II Diabetes, Candida Albicans, Lyme or Gall Bladder disease. Once our disparate symptoms coalesce into a frightening diagnosis, a disease with a familiar name, the pity party comes to a screeching halt.

This is when taking action to improve the state of our health becomes the most logical, natural thing to do next. But why must we wait for the situation to become dire before taking action?

Being too busy, too tired or too afraid to address the situation just gives Toxemia free reign over your body to accelerate into a life-threatening condition or disease.

It doesn't take a whole lot of time or cost lots of money to do regular maintenance on your health. There are no doctors or health insurance forms to fill out either. There are dozens of proven, legitimate, inexpensive health maintenance resources available to help you right now.

If you're human, you are worthy of having good health. Period. You don't need anyone's permission (other than your own) to have it either.

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smhalltheurlsaretaken · 3 years

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So do you guys remember my post about Jedi meeting their birth families and being chill with it?

I’ve been thinking a bit - a lot, for like a year - about all the headcanons around Jedi’s biological people, and there are really only two possible cases that seem to get explored: the pure of heart, flawed but loving, desperate parents who ‘had’ to give up their precious child to the Jedi and didn’t feel they had a choice (most commonly seen from the more Jedi critical parts of the fandom, but not always), and the horribly abusive no good parents at all who gladly dumped their baby onto the Order (which appears to be the way of some Jedi fans to ‘justify’ the adoption into the Order as legitimate, which really shouldn’t be the point because adoptions are just as legitimate without abuse factoring in).

What’s kinda sad is how little we’re willing to explore all the possibilities, maybe because we don’t want to be perceived as on the wrong side of the fandom by our own pals. We all deal with just so much bad faith discourse that we smooth out any sort of human drama and nuance to try and have clear cut narratives that are so black and white that they must prevent bad faith interpretations. Jedi have to be perfect pure angels that have never done anything wrong to be recognized as good, because we’re afraid that if we write them in an interesting way people will jump on the opportunity to accuse them of all sorts of stuff.

Well, I’m tired of vanilla fics and good guys vs bad guys when dealing with purely human everyday stuff. Bad guys are for the galactic battles, the epic clash of eternal forces. When dealing with how Jedi younglings come to the Order, we can have plenty of amazing, heart-wrenching drama and warm, happy moments where all sorts of good and regular people have different goals and meet and clash without anyone being at ‘fault’ or being to blame for it. I want to see (*sigh* to write) complex, difficult situations that can’t be perfectly resolved but where people do try and everyone feels like a *person*.

With that out of the way, what about:

- the unanimously proud communities, so honored that their daughter will represent their people and traditions among the Order, wear their clothing and bear their name

- the desperate mother with proud relatives, who doesn’t want to give away her child, but feels pressured into it by well-meaning relatives. The Master feels her reluctance and tries to reassure her, but she insists that it’s fine - and it is, she wants it to be, she wants to believe it’s for the best but it’s just so hard...

- Stass Allie’s parents, who saw their niece Adi GAllia go to the Order a few years prior. Their two families are influential on Coruscant, but with Adi already in the Order, do they need to send Stass too? Will people think they’re making a grab for power? Will Stass be better off over there, with her cousin?

- Tiplar and Tiplee’s parents. How many children do they have, besides their twins? Is it easier to let your children go when you know they will be together? Did they make the Master promise they wouldn’t be separated no matter what? Did they dress them in matching outfits, or were the Jedi the ones to come up with that?

- the teenaged single mom who cries tears of relief when she realizes her baby will have a good life

- the single dad who can’t bring himself to let his daughter go, because she’s his whole world. The Master presses, not fully understanding, because she would would give up everything for the good of her Padawan, including her relationship with him if need be. The dad still says no.

- the struggling addict parent who is glad to dump that kid (but who still wakes up at night crying, cursing the Jedi, cursing themselves - who get their life back on track for their next kid, maybe? Who meets more Jedi and is thankful after all, or who never does and stays bitter, but better...)

- the family using the adoption for clout, and the consequences for the Order PR-wise, with the younger Jedi having to let go of the bitterness and the anger

- the communities with their own customs surrounding the Force that the young Knight or the wise Master’s inexperienced Padawan struggle to grasp and accept

- the happy parents who are mildly Force-sensitive themselves but didn’t know (or did know, and expected some of their children to be sensitive too), with the Master or the Knight pondering what their own life would look like as a civilian, maybe a parent themselves, maybe giving their own child to the Order like those are doing now. Would they do it? If they could met that hypothetical version of themselves, what would they say about the life they have?

- the superstitious, incredulous or religious parents who are just glad to get a real explanation for the floating rocks, instead of all the theories and the judging and the gossip

- the ones who are desperately poor, and so very grateful, and the younger Jedi struggling with this, wondering if that’s why they were given to the Order as well. Struggling not to judge, because they wouldn’t be happy to give up their own younglings no matter what, right? Learning to be grateful, and understanding, and compassionate.

- the parents who decide to give their child away against the community’s pressure, finding comfort in the Jedi’s genuine desire to support them

- the siblings struggling not to feel betrayed by their parents’ choice - and the jealous ones, the proud ones, the amazed ones, the ones who were just toddlers and spend their life holding onto faded memories

And on the flipside to all of that, what about:

- the Jedi who find a baby among dead bodies, like Mace and Depa, and are so thankful they could save this one tiny light

- the Knights filled to burst with warmth and pride as the three of them get this little toddler to giggle on the way home

- the baby who has been screaming in the Force for weeks, wanting to go home, and who finally gets to feel a presence caressing his mind gently, telling him someone is coming

- the Masters who hold the little ones at night, when those who miss their old home feel lonely or sad, rocking them and singing to them

- the Jedi who have their niece, nephew, cousin, or sibling arrive in the Creche, who call their birth family to reassure them that it’ll all be okay, and yes, ‘the child will know who I am, don’t worry, we keep our names. I’ll help them along the way, I’ll keep an eye on them.’

- the Knight who shows up somewhere and experience a supersonic boom because that’s the one, this little one will be his Padawan, he knows it

- the Knight awkwardly trying to comfort the parents, but she can see that they can see that the baby has already latched onto her, and she senses their turmoil

- the Master feeling that the child won’t be suited for the life of a Jedi, and saying that, even as it’s so hard to turn away from those sparkling baby eyes and that little mental tug

- the Padawan balancing babbling triplets on his shoulders, because they’re from a species that makes a lot of babies

- the Master-Padawan pair visiting a child a lot during the transition period, and bonding with the other siblings as well

... Just... a mess of relationships and love on all parts, with understandings being reached, people finding peace and joy, and the opposite of all that, all acknowledging that there are no bad guys here, just complicated circumstances.

#headcanons #writing ideas #jedi positivity #jedi order #jedi culture #jedi younglings #long post #very long post #meta #(ish)#sw talk

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kyovtani · 4 years

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𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 – 𝐤𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐢 𝐤𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮 (𝟐)

— pairing: Kyoutani Kentarou x female Reader

— genre: smut, angst, little bit of fluff to keep the balance; tattoo artist!kyoutani, inexperienced!reader, strangers to lovers!AU, SLOW BURN

— word count: 9.6k

— warnings: swearing, mentions of infidelity and violence, as well as the consumption of drugs and alcohol; smut: corruption kink, degradation and dumbification, dacryphilia, praising, spitting, (soft) dom!kyou, oral (m. receiving), fingering, dry humping, unprotected sex (dont do that kids), impreg kink, iwaoi say hi-

— (A/N: and here’s part two! thank you SO much for all the love you sent my way after i published the first part. ngl i was a little nervous bc i thought it was boring and not interesting at all but you guys easily pushed me out of that hole so thank you for everything. i love and appreciate you with my whole heart. all the love, zade xx)

[ part one ]

— summary: after fucking up, you make it your mission to get him back..(im so bad at this pls just- okay.)

"He's not picking up, Hana", you say, another soft cry falling from your lips before you bury your face in your pillow.

“Once in my fucking life a guy treats me good and the way I've always wanted to be treated and I had to fuck it up. Why the fuck am I like this, Hana? Why can I not enjoy one fucking good thing in my fucking mediocre life", the profanities keep coming just like the tears and the amount of frustration and anger rushing through your veins is nowhere near normal anymore.

"Calm down, love", Hana sighs and makes you sit up so she can look into your tear stained face as she tries her best to make sure her words actually find their way to your pain clouded mind, "at this point you shouldn't worry too much because you do know Kyoutani, don't you? He does lose his temper a lot, so give him the time he needs and then you'll show up at his doorstep, suck his cock and make up with him, yeah?", she explains calmly.

"If this hurts you so much, why the fuck did you even say he's just a friend, Y/N? I really don't understand", Hana mumbles and lets out another sigh, her hands caressing yours softly, managing to calm you down a little bit.

“You're right, I should just– give him some time and things will eventually fall into place", you reply after crying a little more and with an encouraging smile your best friend nods at you before she suggests a movie marathon to which you happily agree.

At least something to distract you from all the demons inside your head.

After changing into your pj's and doing your night time routine, you plop down onto the couch next to your bestie again, her eyes focused on the phone in her hand and knowing she's probably either sexting or inviting her new boyfriend has you shrugging at her lack of attention as you start looking for a good movie to begin the night with.

However, just when you're about to read the description of some kind of french rom-com, Hana puts her phone back into her lap and starts staring at you with her pretty eyes widened in shock.

"What's wrong?", you ask and turn to look at her, reaching for her hands but before you even get the chance to touch her, Hana unlocks her phone and holds it up for you to watch someone's instagram story.

The video begins with loud music, a crowd full of young college students whose faces definitely are familiar.

Everyone in the video is dancing, making out, smoking and just chatting in a random living room and every now and then there's someone yelling in the back – a typical college party.

However, just as the video is about to end, the camera shifts to a tall male leaning against the wall, obviously standing really close to the person who's filming and it takes you a full blown thirty seconds to realize who said male is.

Kyoutani Kentarou.

You stare at the phone for another minute, your throat dry and your head empty as a thick veil of tears slowly starts blurring your sight before you finally decide to pay attention to the username.

"He can't be fucking serious", you hiss, fisting the blanket beneath you, the urge to punch something or someone becoming unbearable, "what the fuck is he doing at a random college party with – Sora?"

"Y/N, don't–", "Whose party is that?", you interrupt your best friend, not giving a single fuck about her attempts to calm you down; not anymore. Hana gulps harshly and strictly avoids your gaze as she mumbles a name and you roll your eyes, asking her to speak up with an annoyed sigh.

"It's one of Yuuji’s frat parties", and as soon as your best friend says the name of your ex-boyfriend, a cold shiver of disgust runs down your spine and you can feel yourself getting lightheaded from all the emotions rushing through your overwhelmed body.

"Don't follow me if you're going to stop me from leaving, Hana", you say and stand up before quickly disappearing inside your room.

You have no idea how you manage to get dressed, your outfit consisting of a pair of jeans and a hoodie you can't even remember buying and you don't even wanna think about what your hair and face look like when you end up leaving the house with your keys and your phone.

After driving this route for over two years on an almost daily basis, it takes you less than ten minutes to arrive in front of the huge house your ex-boyfriend lives in.

The memories start finding their way back into your head way too fast, taking away your breath and numbing your whole body because even if you didn’t love Yuuji anymore, the bitter feeling of betrayal still manages to hit you in just the right way.

It takes you a lot of willpower to actually approach the house and eventually get in. And after being in between the crowds of drunk, stinky college students, you remember why you hate college parties so much.

"I – Wow”, a familiar voice manages to break through the loud music, your instant reaction just an annoyed eye roll, “you were the last person I expected to see at one of our frat parties", Yuuji says and comes to stand in front of you.

His blonde hair messily falling into his handsome face and from the way his whole face seems to be covered in the deepest shade of red – including his eyes – you know that he's probably higher than the stars and you can't help but sigh.

"I'm not here to party, Yuuji", you hiss, feeling the anger crawl up your spine again the longer you look at your ex, "my boyfriend is here and I have to talk to him."

"So you and that tattooed guy are actually a thing? Didn't think so since he, you know – showed up with another girl", Terushima mumbles and pulls out a cigarette from his pocket, a mischievous smile on his lips.

"Oh, shut the fuck up, Yuuji", you spit back and roll your eyes, taking in the way the pretty boy arches his brows up in pure shock at your rather new attitude, "go and get high or whatever you do to feel proud of yourself", are the last words you say to him before you walk away, your heart thrumming inside your throat.

Your eyes roam the huge crowd, desperately searching for the only face you wanna look at right now and you try to remember where they were standing in the video Sora had posted only to realize that you can't remember.

After all you only watched the video once, your whole attention laying on Kyoutani. And after almost fifteen minutes, you find yourself slowly giving up.

Maybe this was just not meant to happen or maybe Kyoutani has left already.

He probably left with Sora- something you can’t and won’t ever blame him for.

After all she's literally one of the prettiest and hottest girls you have ever seen – anyone who rejects her would be out of their mind (or not attracted to girls which isn't the case when it comes to Kyoutani).

You give it another ten minutes of desperately looking around before you let out a deep sigh which gets lost in the loudness and thick air of the party before you finally start making your way back to the front door.

You quickly walk back to your car, trying your best to ignore everyone around you, especially all the drunk guys who are currently about to get into a verbal fight over something totally random and the last thing you want to experience those threats becoming reality.

At some point you're scared they might even include you which is probably why you end up literally sprinting and even though you always park so far away from frat houses just because you've heard way too many stories of people getting their cars stolen during parties, but right now you just wished you would have listened to your gut feeling and parked in front of the fraternity like every normal person.

However, to your life long luck, you spot a tall figure standing a little too close to your vehicle just as you’re about to unlock it. You slow down your movements almost instantly upon seeing the stranger, yet your eyes still try to figure out if it's someone you know despite the darkness surrounding the two of you.

He has probably spotted you by now, after all you're still panting like crazy from speed walking down to where your car is and it takes you a full minute to realize how loud you're actually being.

"Y/N", the male suddenly says, his deep voice sending shivers down your spine and even though it could have been everyone, it sounds a tad bit too familiar to your ears which is probably why you end up approaching him slowly.

"It's me, Kyoutani", he adds and at the same moment the words leave his lips, you finally recognize his pretty features which seem extra beautiful underneath the bright moonlight.

And then realization hits you.

"How did you know–", "Hana called me and asked if I could make sure you got home even if I didn't want to talk to you. So, here I am. Get in the car so I can tell her I did my part of the job", he interrupts you quickly, obviously not having the intention to interact with you and the way his usually so tender-filled eyes and calming voice are nothing but ice-cold has a thick veil of tears blurring your sight.

Never ever did you think about the moment, where Kyoutani puts the cold mask on he loved to hide behind when he had first looked at you all those weeks ago.

And the longer he avoids your gaze, the heavier the burden on your chest becomes.

"I'm sorry, Tani", you whisper, your voice breaking at the end, easily giving away how much his cold demeanor has gotten to you.

“Of course you're not just a friend to me and I d-don't know why I introduced you like that, everything happened so quickly and I – panicked. It's not an excuse and does not justify my behavior but I just wanted you to know that you've always been more than just a friend to me", you continue, managing to keep talking upon realizing that Kyoutani won't interrupt you and the way he even listens to you with his eyes looking everywhere but yours is absolutely enough for you.

"What am I to you then, Y/N? Am I the guy you're casually fucking? Your booty call? Am I your second choice? Like what the fuck do you expect me to say? I know we never put a label to – this", he starts pointing at you and then himself, "but you knew I was serious about it, about you. So, I just don't understand why you would even think about considering me a friend. I told you that I am not one for that friends with benefits kinda shit and you agreed yet you did this and now I can't help but be convinced you just used me to get that Yuuji fucker.”

Kyoutani is angry and he doesn't even try to hide it as he spits out those words, the ones he’s probably been dying to say out loud for the past few days and you know he has every right to actually be mad at you, his words still hit you in a way you didn't expect them to.

"I'd never do that to you, Kentarou; I'd never use you like that, please believe me", you say quickly, a little surprised you're even able to form proper sentences.

“You m-mean so much to me and I just don't know how to put it into words. My heart hurt so much when I watched you type your number into Sora's phone but the demons in my head, they just kept talking over my heart and – I'm just really sorry, Kyou, I really am", you sigh and after realizing that he's not going to look at you, you finally manage to shift your gaze away from his pretty face.

"Go home, Y/N. It's been a long day for both of us and I think some more distance will help me get my mind straight", Kyoutani replies after a long, torturous beat of silence lingering in the cold air and even if it wasn’t the reply you had hoped to hear, you're glad he's at least not completely ending it.

"Okay b-but at least let me drive you home?", you ask softly, wiping away the few tears which had managed to escape and when you look up at the beautiful faced male in front of you, his eyes meet you for the first time since what feels like forever and you feel yourself melting away.

"I don't think that's a good idea, pretty girl", Kyoutani sighs, the soft pet name sending your mind into the sweetest haze of comfort just like that, "it's only been a few days but I am craving your touch and I just know I'm going to lose it and fuck you against the next best surface if we get into that car together, so I have to decline this offer", he adds and takes another step back, his lips stretching into a tiny smile and you can’t deny how much his words have you gotten you worked up, but you have no choice but to nod.

"Have a good night, baby", Kyoutani sighs and deep down you're hoping for a kiss, after all it's been way too long since you got to feel close to him but instead, he just lifts his hand up and starts waving at you and just as he is about to turn around, you find yourself reaching for his wrist. The fear and despair inside of you making you a little too brave for your personal liking but you know you can't just let him walk away like that.

"Please, Tani- Kyoutani", you whisper and let out a soft sigh of relief when he turns around to face you again, "I won't try anything, I just want to spend a little bit more time with you."

Kyoutani takes a deep breath, his dark eyes roaming your face and wandering down your body and even though it feels like he's literally devouring you alive, you enjoy his burning gazes regardless, a hidden part inside of you even craving them.

A solid minute passes by before he lets out a sigh and gives you a nod, his plump lips pressed into a thin line.

It takes you another deep breath and a couple of seconds to actually calm yourself down from the rollercoaster of emotions you've been through within the time span of an hour and as you sit there in your car, inhaling the cold air of the night, your mind starts replaying everything that went down, starting from the day you met Kyoutani, to your first and most recent kiss, as well as the encounter with Sora and your deep anger towards Yuuji.

The drive to Kyoutani's apartment passes by in a blur, way too fast for your liking and you can't help but pout when you pull up in front of the huge building, knowing very well that this will be the last interaction with the handsome tattoo artist for the upcoming few days and you can already feel tears pricking at the corners of your eyes.

He's been awfully quiet, not like you actually said anything but Kyoutani's silence was intense, boring into your soul and actually suffocating you to a point where the urge to just jump out of the car became overwhelming.

You know he's probably going through everything just like you, yet the feeling that his thoughts are more on the negative side just won't leave you alone and you hate the way your assumptions are being confirmed as soon as Kyoutani turns to look at you.

"I – love you, Y/N", he suddenly says, his voice soft and calm, yet still deep and the way it's filled with tenderness and the sweetest bit of longing makes the effect of those magical words even heavier.

Your lips part in shock, your head having a difficult time actually processing his confession and you can feel your whole body going into a standby mode.

"But you're not good for me."

You remember the way your heart broke into thousands of pieces when you found out the alleged love of your life was cheating on you without even batting an eye.

The pain was so intense and heavy, you didn't know how to deal with it and at some point you were convinced that your heart had stopped beating for a solid minute. It was bad, left you speechless and threw you into a hole of darkness you barely managed to escape from, yet still leaving you grateful for the experience.

You thought your first heartbreak would be able to prepare you for what's to come in the future, but what you went through as soon as those words had fallen past Kyoutani’s lips, can't be compared to anything you've ever felt before.

Your heart starts clenching as his words keep replaying inside of your head and your throat so is going absolutely dry from your desperate attempts to gasp for air as the feeling of being suffocated comes back.

Everything around you seems to disappear, your eyes still focused on Kyoutani's intense gaze as the feeling of emptiness starts filling up your whole body.

You easily lose track of time, your heart beat so slow and heavy and when the wave of reality crashes you yet again, an almost inaudible sob falls past your lips.

"B-But...", you can't get yourself to speak, the words getting stuck in your throat and soft cries the only thing filling the inside of your car.

And yet, there are so many things you want to tell him, so many things rushing through your mind at the highest speed, almost impossible to grasp them and actually put them into proper sentences.

"You have too much control over me. I lost myself trying to fit into the picture of a lover you need and deserve. But – I am not who I used to be anymore”, Kyoutani explains, nervously rubbing the sides of his pierced node with his thumb as he avoids looking in your direction at all costs.

“I am scared of losing what's obviously not mine. You make me feel weak and vulnerable and I just can't deal with it. You've become the center of my world, and I can't control how much it affects me. How much you affect me and – I hate it", he continued, his voice is still incredibly calm, yet a bittersweet tone of fear coating every single one of his words.

"B-But...", yet again, the whole of your vocabulary seems vanished, not one word to say as the knot in your throat tightens even further.

"I'm sorry, Y/N. I thought I could do it but – I am not meant to love and you deserve to be loved in the most special way possible”, he takes another quick break, letting out a sigh of exhaustion, “and that's why I'm letting you go. Please, don't hate me. Take care and – goodbye, my love.”

Those are his last words before he presses his lips against your forehead, making your head spin like crazy because of the contrast of his heartbreaking words and his soft kiss.

Kyoutani leaves without saying another word. He doesn't even look back once as he walks away and enters the apartment building, while you can't stop staring at the door with hot tears streaming down your cheeks and loud sobs filling the suffocating air surrounding you.

There you are, yet again.

Your eyes staring into the dark night as your body tries to cope with the intensity of pain you've thought you had overcome.

The constant breaking of your heart starts numbing every part of your body and you slowly start losing yourself in this certain kind of darkness.

Seconds turn into minutes and without even realizing, a whole hour has gone by with you staring into nothing.

Your mind plays games with you as it keeps replaying his words, his behavior, his kiss and the feeling of slowly but certainly going insane as you get out of the car a little too fast.

You tumble back, the sudden coldness hitting you right in the face and the mental as well as physical exhaustion has your body trembling.

And then it hits you.

The wave of anger, wrath, frustration and hatred literally wakes you up, pulls you back into reality and ends up taking over you completely.

Your eyes find the huge apartment building Kyoutani lives in, staring at it as if you could set it on fire and you know what you're about to do is a bad idea but your body acts before your mind can even get the chance to intervene.

And that's how you find yourself almost brutality slamming your fist against Kyoutani's door, your heart hammering against your rib cage way too fast for it to be still physically healthy and ten thousand different thoughts rushing through your chaotic mind.

"What the fuck is going – Y/N", Kyoutani looks at you with his pretty eyes slightly widened in shock, his lips parting as he struggles to keep his eyes on you and a disgusting feeling of shame and embarrassment starts filling you up.

You know this is pathetic, you are aware of how stupid you look standing in front of him like this but you just can't get yourself to actually care about it.

"Y/N, please don't-", "No, I listened to what you had to say and now I'm going to talk and you're going to listen to me. Before that I am not going anywhere because I deserve this", you cut him off, hands balled into fists as you try to stay calm but the more you think about his words in the car, the angrier you get.

"I–", Kyoutani sighs, his eyes nervously roaming your face and upon noticing the way you seem to shiver from the cold and your lack of clothing, he lets his conscience get the best of him, "alright, come in then.”

You follow him inside, the familiar scent of vanilla and Kyoutani's favorite febreeze scent filling your nose and you hate the way how comfortable you are.

After all you've been spending quite some time in this apartment; visiting him after your classes so he could bury his face between your legs and then offer you some homemade food, followed by a good old ghibli movie and lots of cuddles has become some kind of routine.

Oh, how you hate him for ruining all of those memories.

"Do you want something to drink? You're probably freezing", he offers, his voice filled with concern and you know he is right and you'd definitely give everything for a cup of tea and maybe some water, you still shove all of your body’s basic needs into the very back of your head and try to regain your composure.

"I – you – we", you take a deep breath, your mind struggling to put all of those racing thoughts into some kind of order, yet failing miserably.

But there's so much you want to say to him; so many things you want him to hear and now that you are actually standing in front of him, your body betrays you.

"You're a fucking coward, Kyoutani Kentarou", is the first thing you finally manage to let out, "and I hate you for leaving me like this. I fucking hate you.”

Deep down, you hate yourself for saying those words; the choice of words and the incredible heaviness they come with are usually not your way of expressing yourself yet you're not regretting them.

You don't know how this night is going to end, maybe this will be the last time you get to see Kyoutani or he'll eventually fuck you into oblivion and you finally end up together; but nevertheless you want your words to hurt him; you want them to wake him up just like his did to you.

"How dare you confess your love to me and tell me I basically ruined your life in the same breath when you're the one who's fucking all of this – us up. Yes, I’ve made a mistake and I've been regretting my choice of words for the past four days, even came to the point where I accepted your distance and decided to let go because I know how much my words hurt you. But us ending like this? Definitely not going to happen", Kyoutani stares at you with his pretty eyes focusing you attentively, barely blinking, not moving at all; he’s just listening to you.

"I just – don't understand how you can be this oblivious."

"Oblivious? Oblivious to what?", he asks, his voice a little deeper and raspier, sending goosebumps straight dow your spine as if your body needed to remind you the effect he has on you.

"Oblivious to everything. This is what love does to people, Kentarou. Of course you're going to feel weak and vulnerable because of me - because of the one you love. After all the point of being loved and loving someone else is showing those vulnerabilities and weakness to the person you trust the most because you know, or at least you hope, they won't take advantage of it.”

You take a deep breath, your mind slowing down as you ease yourself into his calming embrace and subconsciously losing yourself in the comfort it comes with.

“I'm yours. I've been yours since the very first day and we both know this, that's why you are so scared of losing me. And that's why my words hurt you so much”, you can tell that he’s already processing your words as much as he can; his habit of scratching the back of his head giving him away easily.

"You said you've lost yourself trying to fit into this picture of someone who I deserve but – you are the one who created that picture in the first place. Just because my first boyfriend was an alleged goody two shoes doesn't mean that you have to be like that too. Fuck that", you hiss, the thought of Kyoutani changing even the slightest bit about himself sending jolts of anger through your veins, "I don't care if you dropped out of college or that you have tattoos and piercings and bleach blonde hair. None of that matters to me because it's you, your kind heart and your pure soul I fell in love with.”

And suddenly - you can feel the burden on your shoulders disappear when those certain words leave your lips and the second Kyoutani raises his eyebrows in slight surprise before he locks eyes with you again has another breath of fresh air run through your suffocated lungs.

"Yes, I'm in love with you, Kyoutani Kentarou. Believe it or not, but for me, you're perfect just like this, with all your tiny habits and every single tattoo. There's nothing I'd change about you and I'm genuinely, truly sorry if I ever made you feel like you needed to change for me. You're a great guy and I guess that's why I ran back here after sitting in that car, crying for an hour because I couldn't stop thinking about the way you confessed your love to me”, you feel the thick veil of tears appear before they manage to block your sight, making the pretty face in front of you turn into bourry little pixels as your emotions overwhelm you.

“And yes, you are meant to be loved; maybe not meant to be loved by me but you deserve to be loved, do you hear me?"

You go up to him, closing some of the distance between the two of you before your finger darts out and poke his strong chest, trying to ease the tension after letting go of all those thoughts, "you deserve to love and to be loved because you're a good person. And I just – wanted to thank you for letting me into your life. Meeting you, getting to know the beautiful person you are has been one of the best things that has happened to me and I will cherish these memories forever."

And with those words you take a deep breath, let out another sigh, goving away your acceptance of defeat before you lift your head and prepare yourself to say your last goodbye no matter how painful it is.

"Take care, Kyoutani Kentarou and thank you, for everything", the words fall past your lips in the form of a whisper solely because you're too scared to break if you raised your volume just slightly.

You turn around and feel the first tear find its way down your cheek before you even get to walk away.

And just as you wrap your fingers around the doorknob, the sound of rushed footsteps approaching you makes you halt your movements.

"D-Don't go", Kyoutani suddenly says, his voice breaking when he comes to stand behind you, so close you can actually feel the warmth he's radiating, "I need you...so bad", he whispers into your ear, pressing his forehead against the back of your neck and it's like everything that happened tonight becomes irrelevant.

You turn around, not expecting Kyoutani to push you against the door with his whole body, yet still embracing him as much as you can.

With a soft sob, you start inhaling his unique scent, grazing his soft skin with your fingers and letting the warmth blossom inside of your chest after feeling his rapid heartbeat beneath your palm.

"Don't leave me, please", he cries, the tears running down his flushed cheeks despite his desperate attempts of holding back, "let's do this whole love thing.”

You stand there for what feels like an eternity, just hugging each other, taking in each other's presence and calming down from everything that has happened in such a short time. You finally calm down completely, Kyoutani's soft touches and tiny kisses give you the last bit of energy you needed and for the first time in almost three months, there's not one demon in your head trying to make you overthink something.

Because this feels perfect; there's literally no other word to describe the feeling of holding Kyoutani Kentarou and being held by him.

But nevertheless, you've been on a constant adrenaline rush for the past four hours and the exhaustion has been killing you, making you grow tired a lot faster than usual.

"What about moving this to your room, hm? I'd rather fall asleep with you in your bed than against the door; especially because I know the boys are out and will be coming home soon", you say softly, lifting Kyoutani's head from the crook of your neck and looking at him.

He sighs and gives you a soft kiss, giving you a nod in response before he gets himself to let go of you; his warmth leaving with him and it's almost disgusting how you literally crave his presence.

After Kyoutani makes you drink two glasses of water to avoid the dehydration of your body, he hands you one of his thick hoodies and leaves you to get ready in his bathroom.

You come back to the sight of him sitting against the headboard of his king sized bed, his oversized shirt revealing the perfect amount of collarbones and you enjoy the sight of his pretty skin and the dark lines covering most of it as well as the way his sweats hug his strong thighs in the best way possible.

And as you watch his eyes lazily roam your body, a hot jolt of arousal finds its way through your veins and right to your cunt.

"Don't look at me like that, sweet girl", Kyoutani suddenly groans and cocks his head to the side, his tongue poking out to wet his lips before he gulps harshly; his eyes never once leaving yours.

"B-But Tani...", you reply, approaching him with tiny steps become you come to stand right next to his tall figure, feeling yourself growing needier because of the way your body is craving his touch now more than ever.

“Baby…”, he replies and gulps harshly, knowing your body better than yourself after weeks of getting to know you in a way nobody has ever before.

"Please, Tani...please, fuck me. I need to feel you inside of me. I've been waiting for so long...", you plead, your fingers coming to graze his pretty lips as memories of all the times he had turned you into a crying mess with those lips.

Kyoutani is just as affected by the change in tension as you, the slight bulge in his grey sweatpants as well as the hunger burning in his eyes giving him away.

"You're such a pretty angel girl, aren’t you?", he whispers and sits up, pulling you closer to make you stand in between his legs as he starts caressing your hot cheeks with his fingers.

“Yet you're saying all those naughty things”, Kentarou chuckles deeply, “imagine how people would react if they knew what a cockhungry little slut you actually are", upon hearing those degrading names, your cunt starts clenching around nothing and a high pitched whimper escaped your throat.

"For you...", you whisper, pulling your bottom lip between your teeth the second Kyoutani starts placing open mouthed kisses on your neck.

Your fingers dig into his shoulders, pulling the material of his shirt a little too tightly.

"Of course, baby, you're mine after all and this sweet cunt", the sudden feeling of his palm pressing against the damped fabric of your panties has you gasping for air, "belongs to me, and me only", Kyoutani grunts, pulling the skin of your neck between his lips before he starts sucking gently as well as slowly moving his fingers against the lacey fabric between your legs.

"Yes, it's yours", you reply, after several weeks of being intimate with Kyoutani you've learned one thing and that's how much he loves hearing you say all those dirty and lewd things, "please fuck me."

"Patience, my love, patience. I am going to fuck you", Kentarou replies calmly and suddenly pushes you away, his hands disappearing from your body and when your lid flutter open because of the lack of touch, he shoots you one of his cocky smirks, "but let's not forget the whole friend situation, hm? What about you make it up to me before I fuck you like the little whore you are?"

His words have excitement rush through your blood, your head literally spinning just from the thought of finally getting to be on the giving end after weeks of him playing the selfless lover.

You nod eagerly, anticipation sparkling in your eyes as you watch him palm himself over his sweats before you get on your knees and wait for him to let go of his now fully erect cock.

However, the more seconds pass by like this, the more nervous you become because for some reason you suddenly remember that you've basically never sucked dick before.

Your head shoots up with slight panic written all over your face and of course Kyoutani notices your change in demeanor right away.

"What's wrong, angel?", he asks you and stops the movements of his hands.

"I don't know how to do it, Tani", you whisper, knowing there's no point in being shy about it, after all he happens to be the guy you've experienced your most firsts with.

"It's okay, baby, I'm going to help you”, Kyoutani replies and actually loses his composure for a second, “fuck baby, don't look at me like this when I'm literally about to fuck your throat", he hisses, throwing his head back as he grunts and his hips desperately bucking into the air.

Kyoutani takes another deep breath before he finally pushes his hand underneath the waistband of his sweats and with your eyes focused on his movements, you watch him pull out his hard length, a soft hiss falling past his plump lips when the coldness of the room grazes the slightly wet tip of his cock.

You gulp harshly, his impressive size in girth as well as length has your pussy throbbing like crazy, yet you can't help but wonder how the hell he's going to fit inside of you.

“Don't worry, baby, I know you're going to take all of my cock like the good girl you are", Kyoutani says after observing your facial expressions for some time.

"Give me your hand", he asks you softly, his voice still raspy and incredibly hoarse yet still soothing and you appreciate his attempts to calm himself down so you won't feel too nervous. With your heart slamming against your rib cage, you lift your hand up and are slightly overwhelmed at the sudden feeling of Kyoutani's warm spit pooling inside your palm. Without adding anything, he straightens himself and motions you to stroke his hard cock.

Not once do you stop looking at him as you wrap your fingers around the base of his impressive length and slowly start jerking him off.

Kyoutani cocks his head to the side, his bottom lip pulled in between his teeth and his eyes constantly fluttering close.

"Start with the tip, angel- just wrap your lips around it and start sucking, but be careful with your teeth, yeah baby?", he grunts, his hips thrusting into your fist every time the pace of your strokes slows down.

You give him yet another nod before look up at him one more time and do as he says.

The feeling of his cock between your lips is – different.

It feels like it's not supposed to be there, yet the salty taste of his precum coating your tongue has you sighing softly. Your tongue darts out, giving his tip a tiny kitten lick before you go back to sucking on it eagerly.

And while you seem to enjoy it a lot, Kyoutani is going absolutely crazy. You can see the way he's tensing his body as his grip in the bed sheets tightens and the vein on his neck pops out.

"F-Fuck, baby, just like that", he praises you "now try to take more of it in a-and use your hand for the rest", Kyoutani's voice is shaky, his eyes are nervously roaming your swollen lips and the string of spit connecting them to the tip of his cock.

Without giving it another thought, you take a deep breath and take more of him, trying your best to not graze his sensitive cock with your teeth and despite your initial struggle, you still enjoy the feeling of his cock on your tongue.

You subconsciously wrap your fingers around the part of his cock which you can't fit inside your mouth and suddenly it's like your body knows exactly what to do.

Kyoutani's moans grow louder and the soft thrusts of his hips become a little less controlled. You look up at him every now and then, trying your best to keep the steady rhythm as you bop your head.

And then he suddenly thrusts his length all the way to the back of your throat, your gag reflex just about to go off when he pulls back which is the moment you take notice of the tears streaming down your cheeks.

You give him a soft smile before going back to wrapping your lips around his tip, but you don't get very far.

Kyoutani pulls you back, his grip on the back of your neck not firm enough to hurt you.

"I promise I'm going to fuck your throat properly and even cum in your mouth the next time we do this but right now I just can't stop thinking about that tight cunt of yours", he says, helping you get up and almost instantly pulling you onto his lap; his wet cock rubbing against your panty covered core as Kyoutani pulls you in for a kiss.

It's sloppy and rushed, the way his tongue grazes over yours before he pulls it between his lips and starts sucking at it. Your hips start moving against his cock, your sensitive pussy craving some kind of friction as the arousal has your head spinning like crazy.

You start moaning and whimpering into his mouth when Kyoutani’s hips start meeting your desperate movements, applying the perfect amount of pressure onto your needy clit.

You feel the knot in the pit of your stomach tightening, the clenching of your cunt becoming worse the more you hump Kyoutani's cock like a woman starved.

But nothing prepares you for the feeling of one of his large digits entering you. Your hole start clenching around his finger Kyoutani pushes another one in, both digits buried inside of your little cunt.

"Such a good girl for me, aren't you, baby? I'm going to finger you nice and slow so you're ready for my cock. Now come on, my love; show me what a good whore you are and ride my fingers", Kyoutani encourages you, his hot breath fanning against the sensitive skin behind your ear and without missing a beat, your hips meet the skillful thrusts of his fingers.

Kyoutani continues to whisper naughty things into your ear, his other hand eventually wrapping around your throat as he makes sure you look into his eyes when you stumble over the edge.

Your high hits you hard and fast, the intensity knocking the breath out of your lungs and leaving you gasping for it; something you should be used to by now yet still can't believe is even possible.

He pushes you off of his lap softly, helps you get rid of his shirt as well as your ruined panties before he makes you lay down in the middle of his bed; eyes locking with yours when he also starts undressing.

"My pretty girl", Kyoutani sighs, his hand caressing the soft skin of your thighs, spanking you every now and then just because he's absolutely obsessed with the way your whole body tenses whenever his hand meets your skin.

“Look at me", he orders and almost instantly your head shoots up to meet his gaze, the sight of his naked body distracting you a lot more than you expected but after all this is the first time you get to see the rest of his tattoos; the ones you usually only get a tiny glimpse of depending on his outfit choice.

Kyoutani spreads your legs apart, his eyes never leaving yours even when he starts jerking off again and you can't hold back the soft whimpers and begs leaving your lips.

But also something about his flushed cheeks and swollen lips as well as his messy hair falling into his face has you incredibly turned on.

"We've never talked about this before but are you on the pill, baby?", he asks, pushing one of his thumbs into his mouth before he brings it down to your clit and starts rubbing soft circles into it, making you arch your back off of the mattress as you bury your face in the pillow to keep your noises down.

"N-No", you whisper, a deep sigh coming from Kyoutani and even though you know you shouldn’t do it, you stop him from bending over to the drawer of his nightstand, making him look at you in confusion.

“But I still want you to raw me, please...", you add and gulp harshly when his whole body seems to go into some kind of haze once the words leaveyour lips.

Kyoutani looks at you, his eyes darkening even more as he pulls his bottom lip between his teeth and lets out a loud moan of your name.

"I can't just raw you, baby", he presses through gritted teeth, his mask slowly falling apart the more you rub yourself against his cock, "you've never had sex without a condom and my pull out game is weak, even weaker when it comes to you because fuck – the thought of filling you up with my cum sounds so fucking good", Kyou groans when you scoot up a little, taking his length into your hand before you line him up with your entrance.

"B-But what if you get pregnant, sweet girl?", he sighs and tries to pull away, making you wrap your arms around his neck as you look into his pretty eyes.

"That will just show everyone around us how well you've fucked me", you whisper and elicit another deep moan from him, his whole body shaking slightly as he tries to hold himself back from just pounding into you.

"Such a cockhungry whore", he hisses and – finally – starts pushing his fat cock into your tiny cunt, the slight stretch making you both gasp for air.

“If that's what you want, then that’s what you get, you little slut. I'm going to fucking raw you and fill you up with all of my cum, make you my cumslut", Kyoutani grunts, pulling your bottom lip between his teeth before he harshly grabs your face and looks into your eyes as he buries more of himself inside of you.

"F-Fuck, you're big", you whimper, throwing your head back and trying your very best to stop clenching around his cock.

“We're almost there, baby- you got this, s-stop clenching", Kyoutani grunts against your parted lips. Without a warning, Kyoutani pushes the rest of his huge cock inside of you, bottoming out completely.

“F-Fuck...you’re so– tight”, Kentarou grunts, his fingers digging into the flesh of your hips as he buries his face in the crook of your neck, “it’s like you’ve never been fucked before.”

“S-So good...so fucking good, nngh-”, your little whimpers and whines are slurred, barely coherent as the feeling of being filled to the brim pushes you into a haze of pleasure.

You feel the pulsation of his cock against your spongy walls, his hands nervously roaming your body and groping one of your tits, as he obviously tries to calm himself down.

And then he finally starts moving.

A deep, guttural moan leaves the both of you when he pulls himself out of your tight hole, dragging his huge cock along the walls of your little cunt in the most delicious way possible before he almost brutally shoves himself back in again.

“Mhm, just like that, you little brat”, he grunts, sitting up on his knees as he pushes your legs further apart, his eyes focusing the way his fat cock stretches your hole just how he’s been imagining it all this time, “coming up to me and talking about having your little cunt rawed like some cumhungry little whore.”

You start nodding almost instantly at his words, your brain barely recognizing them, the only thing you can focus on being the way the tip of his cock grazes the entrance to your womb with every harsh, brutal thrust of his hips.

His thrusts find a steady rhythm, hard and so, so deep.

“Open your mouth”, Kyoutani grunts, a single drop of sweat finding its way down the center of his tattooed chest, the sight making you whimper and whine for him even louder as you part your lips as soon as you process his words.

“You know what? I’d rather have you say it”, he suddenly hisses, pulling his cock out of your spasming cunt before he presses your legs together and shoves himself back inside of you with one skilled thrust of his hips.

You have no idea at what point you start crying but by the time Kyoutani's moans and grunts start picking up their pace, you're a sobbing mess.

“S-Say wh-what?”, you sob, hiding your tear and spit stained face behind your hands, not daring to look up at him.

“I want you to ask for my spit and beg for my cum”, Kentarou’s voice grows raspier, the dominance seething through every single one of his words makes it so easy for you to fall even further into the hole of absolute submission, “and stop hiding yourself, angel girl..I wanna watch the way I’m fucking your brains out.”

A row of loud, high pitched whines and a combination of sobs and moans are the only thing you manage to respond with, your brain clouded with the feeling of his thick cock dragging along the spongy walls of your cunt.

And before you can even comprehend his next movement, you hear the loud sound of skin meeting skin followed by the delicious feeling of a sting sending jolts of pain through your body, something you’ve come to love after so many hours with the tattoo artist.

“I told you to ask and beg for it, angel girl..you’re making me wait”, Kentarou spits, never once halting the movements of his hips as he watches the way you start sobbing even more, your cunt spasming around his cock after his painful spank.

“Please...f-fuck, please spit in my mouth and my face and on my cunt- want it all”, you start brabbling, another row of incohrent begs following right afterwars as your hips sloppily meet his harsh thrusts, “I want you to stuff me full of your cum, too- please, Daddy, wanna be your little c-cumdumpster.”

“There you go..”, Kyoutani’s plump lips stretch into a big smile as his cock throbs at the sound of that one forbidden little word he’s come to love even more after hearing it from you only a handful of times.

He didn’t hesitate to tell you about how much it turns him on around two weeks after the two fo you had started dating and even though he never really expected you to use it, he was secretely hoping for you to overcome your shyness.

You had used it only twice before when the pleasure had gotten too much for your brain to handle and Kyoutani knew you’d stop holding yourself back as soon as you got a taste of his cock.

“What did you just call me, pretty girl?”, he cooes, giggling softly at the way you whimper and cry even harder, knowing oh so well what he wants to hear.

And for the first time you just can’t get yourself to argue with the little voice in the back of your head; the feeling of his cock stretching your tiny cunt making it so, so easy to just let go of all those doubts and worries.

“Please, Daddy”, you reply and look into his eyes, groping your own tits as you arch your back to feel him even deeper inside of you, “n-need your cum inside of me...please- want everyone to know who I belong to.”

You don’t really expect it, yet your pussy almost instantly start clenching around his cock when kyoutani harshly grabs your face, making you part your lips before he spits into your mouth.

The loud, lewd sound of it rings in your ears in the best way possible and acting like a literal aphrodisiac in combination with the delicious taste of his saliva coating the hot muscle of your tongue.

You hum softly before you swallow it all, a gentle sob escaing your lips before you look up at him again.

"Now go on, angel girl”, he growls, pushing his hand in between your legs to rub circles into your hardened clit, “I want you to cum for me. Be a good little dumpster for your Daddy and show me what only I can do to you.”

You can barely process his words, the lewdness just fueling the fire in the pit of your stomach as you lose yourself in the feeling of your upcoming high. But you still start nodding, cringing at the feeling your saliva dripping down your jawline.

And with one last thrust, you feel your high crashing down onto you with such heaviness, you're left absolutely breathless.

Your whole body is trembling as the waves of your orgasm hit you, a row of incoherent words leaving your lips before you stop trying and just start crying for your precious Daddy.

"That's my baby”, is the first thing your brain manages to process again, everything still a blurry mess and when you look at Kyou, you realize you’re still cumming.

Your cunt is almost painfully spasming around his big cock, your juices dripping down the sides of his length as he helps you ride out your orgasm.

“You’re such a good, good girl for Daddy, aren’t you? I'm so proud of you", Kyoutani praises you, his thrust a little sloppier than before and from the way he's digging his fingers into the skin of your waist, you can only assume that he's also quiet close, "you're also going to take all of Daddy’s cum, right, baby? We gotta make sure I fill you up nicely..."

You take a deep breath, your slightly overstimulated cunt sending shivers down your spine as your eyes focus on Kyoutani's parted lips.

"Please, Daddy...need you to fill me up with your cum", you encourage him and when you slowly push two of your fingers into his mouth, knowing how much he loves to suck on them no matter what situation you’re both in, you finally get to see his whole face crunch up in pleasure.

His body tenses up as his grip on your waist becomes firmer before he starts cumming inside of you with a deep, raspy moan; coating the walls in several shades of white with three thick spurts of his cum.

Kyoutani buries his face in the crook of your neck as he slowly calms down, loud breathing and rushed gasps for air the only thing to fill the inside of his empty room.

"I love you so much", he whispers and gives you a soft kiss, his cock still firmly buried inside of your sensitive cunt before he shoots you a soft smile; looking almost boyish with his glossy eyes and flushed cheeks.

"I love you, too, D-Daddy”, you whisper, gulping harshly as the words leave your lips, feeling yourself grow even smaller underneath his strong yet comforting gaze, “thank you for giving us a chance", you add and pull him into for another kiss.

"Kyoutani Kentarou, your favorite group of walking disappointments is back and better than ev - oh", Iwaizumi Hajime, Kyoutani's High School best friend, fellow tattoo aritst and roommate suddenly yells and almost brutally slams open the door, startling you to the last bone in your body.

Kyoutani is quick to cover you up with his body, his hand reaching for one of the blankets on the floor as he grunts in annoyance.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know–", "What is it, Iwa-Chan? Is he jerking off again? Kyoutani Kentarou you little piece of shit, just go and fuck that–", just like Iwaizumi, Oikawa – who also happens to be his best friend, felow tattoo artist and roommate – comes to stand in the doorway, bumping into his best friend before he finally spots the two of you.

"You're naked", he points out, closing his eyes almost instantly after realizing what he has just come to witness and despite the disgusting feeling of wanting to disappear and never come back again, you can't help but giggle at their shocked and slightly disgusted faces.

Kyoutani takes a deep breath and pulls out of you, still making sure to hide you behind his body before he hands you the blanket and lets his eyes shift to the door, looking at his best friends in pure disbelief.

"Kawa stop fucking staring and – can you two please fuck off?", he yells, pulling the boys back to reality and the way both of them shift to look at you only to blush from their necks to their ears has you chuckling softly.

This type of situation is nothing you’re not used to – unfortunately.

"Uhm – of course! Oh, my fucking God! So sorry, Kyou", Iwaizumi stutters and wraps his fingers around the doorknob, avoiding your eyes as much as he can before he pushes Oikawa away and then closes the door with another row of apologies.

Kyoutani just looks at you apologetically as he shakes his head and face palms himself, making the both of you burst into loud laughter.

And after taking a shower together and actually eating some late dinner with the boys, you fall asleep with Kyoutani's arms tightly wrapped around your waist, his face buried inside the crook of your neck and one last love confession.

And when those sweet words fall past his lips yet again, you realize – you're finally home.

[ banner source ]

#haikyuu smut #hq!! smut #kyoutani smut #kyoutani kentarou smut #hq smut #haikyuu!! smut #haikyuu x female reader #hq!! x female reader #kyoutani x female reader

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onp4012 · 3 years

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Lilith in the Signs

From the book “Lilith—the challenge of sinking in the abyss of self”, written by the Romanian author and astrologer, “Minerva” (the mother/father/childbirth are just some points of reference of what I have understood, so not every sign will have this)

Part 1–>Aries-Virgo

Lilith in Aries

06.08.1931-02.05.1932

11.06.1940-07.03.1941

16.04.1949-11.01.1950

19.02.1958-16.11.1958

26.12.1966-21.09.1967

31.10.1975-26.07.1976

05.09.1984-31.05.1985

11.07.1993-06.04.1994

17.05.2002-09.02.2003

23.03.2011-16.12.2011

The shadow and primal fear: won’t have success, doesn’t deserves anything.

The projection of the shadow: others are successful; their dignity is based on what they achieved or realized with the help of their parents.

The problem: their own success, their identity; questions about self, self esteem and deserving.

Thinking projection: how good and how powerful they risk to judge correctly.

Relational: we can’t discuss about a considerable discomfort, but about the desires they materialize, even tho sometimes the wish is something shocking.

Objective: to not compare themselves with others; others success can’t be compared to their success, they are unique.

Characteristics: daring, limitless impertinence, but also the desire of rising in the eyes of the person they’re attracted to.

The message of Lilith:

,,You don’t fight for a cause, you have to embrace what you are and what you have.”

The Archetype behind Lilith: The Horsewoman

Manifesting: The native is, usually, charming and bright, has an eccentric character, without tough engagements related to rules and standards. Expect compulsive reactions if you want to charm them, fact that they consider normal and common, and at childish reactions when his wishes aren’t followed. They usually confront with dissatisfaction, about the self, about life, so he addresses any possibility of afirmation, fights for the disappearance of the feeling of being left behind, and, usually, wins important positions in the social group. Tends to react aggressively or obsessively when he needs to adopt a paternal character. Intensified everything he does or touches. As a future projection, the spontaneity and immediate initiative are essential expressions. When dealing with a problem of crisis and fear they become excessive and their reactions are extreme. He collapses shot down and helpless. It’s the best to not leave anger control him; Once he’ll realize the consequences of the actions, to not put in the shade the vision of life. The best is to focus the impatience and aggressiveness in a constructive way, so he will reconcile himself and work with a much better efficiency.

Relationship: everybody with this position need to resort punishments when they are hurt; they don’t forgive emotional humiliation, so for women with this placement, the emotional experience can become drama, if not actual tragedy, because they usually become merciless and impossible to be charmed, very strict about other women, especially if they are beautiful, blaming the whole feminine sex for their sentimental failure; men enter emotionless relationships, but, usually, fragile and vulnerable, too young, will be inexperienced partners, which will fade their masculinity and power for sure! For them, this position induces explosive jealousy, tendency for fatal bounds, wrong, which with the time, it gives them a shield which protects them of random bonds.

Childbirth/Pregnancy: Can be a real danger for the women with this position; the caesareans can go along with massive hemorrhagies.

As Mother: Is very strict, explosive, aggressive, with hard to contain anger, violent, uses physical punishments for disciplining their children.

As Father: they are violent in the family, applying “corrections” to the wife, and children, they sometimes choke their children or wife.

Sexuality: Lilith in Aries is talking about licentious sex; it has no modesty, loves to exploit their body. Exotic dance, pornography and other excessive considerated actions that will uncover their emptiness match with them. What they show is tempting. If she suffers for something, she suffers about herself, because she needs to be appreciated. They are the types that will want to drink their partner’s blood while in the act. Just like a storm, destroy the wars and anger around them. They love to choke their partner. They can choke someone and not be Horny, just so they can show power. Lilith in Aries is easy to understand when talking about sex: uses aggressiveness and power to feel strong.

Healing and transcending:

Think and analyze why what you intended to do wasn’t realized.

Think what fame and success means in your life.

Ask yourself why you always want to win. When you realize the answer, ask yourself if that’s what you really want, if it deserves the effort.

Lilith in Taurus

03.05.1932-26.01.1933

08.03.1941-01.12.1941

12.01.1950-07.10.1950

17.11.1958-13.08.1959

22.09.1967-17.06.1968

27.07.1976-23.04.1977

01.06.1985-26.02.1986

07.04.1994-01.01.1995

10.02.2003-07.11.2003

16.12.2011-11.09.2012

The shadow and primal fear: insecurity

The projection of the shadow: that can’t be independent.

The problem: never has enough to feel safe; compulsive consuming; insecurity.

Thinking projection: the tendency to criticize others that they’re lazy, irresponsible, especially with their own money, or unconventionals.

Relational: searches people with a markedly individuality, that dare to be themselves; have the ability to enjoy life in all its themes

Objective: to get out of the comfort zone

Characteristics: most of the times, they have an early emotional growing up; they’re people that excell, indifferent the domain—or at least makes an effort to excell.

The message of Lilith: ,,Observe and understand the reality of the things and people, behind the facade, the social mask and stock of adopted system.”

The Archetype behind Lilith: Venus

Manifesting: With Lilith in Taurus, we feel comfortable. On the other hand, the level of self-esteem the native is feeling depends on how comfortable he is.

Lilith in Taurus is manifesté through an almost insatiable desire of consuming and accumulating posesions, money or anything that makes him feel safe and in a shelter. No matter how much he acquires, will never be enough to fill the inner emptiness that they feel—and they won’t do anything on this way. Even if the emptiness will be filled on that specific moment, the feeling of insecurity will come back again later. Most of the times, the final result of this constant attempt to satisfy the fear that they don’t have enough will reflect in their cotidian life through liabilities and extra pounds, through hesitating their responsibilities —thing that the native usually try to avoid. In this position, Lilith needs to feel secure and safe. The unsafeness is acute, even if the native feels at its best and brave while being in the presence of others.

Childbirth/Pregnancy: Women are very fertile and usually get unwanted pregnancies; if not, they might have troubles with having a child because of a previous abortion that ruined their fertility.

As Mother: They are caring, loving and materialistic mothers. They will love to talk a lot about their children and teach them the importance of money. They will be a bit selfish.

As Father: They are the fathers that don’t have a very emotional connection with their children. They think that the child is happy if he receives presents, toys, money, clothes and so on. They are the overprotective dads. It’s very posible that they will teach their children how to manage money.

Sexuality: Lilith in Taurus loves dirty sex, nudity, naturalness—maybe that’s why some of the natives are fighting with the water and soap. The native finds pleasure in sex in the most earthly form, wild, loves the smell of sex and money. The smell of sex is tempting, no matter if it’s the natural musk parfume or the sweetness of the makeup. The native is stubborn and can’t be controlled, instead, he has no modesty when spending money on himself, especially for payed sex. He knows how to hide his guilty pleasures, but if he is capable of such award, he is capable of a crime. Lilith here represents insensitivity, shamelessly; for the native, money don’t have a smell and that’s why we see him casually between the neighborhood tricksters or between the people that are spinning money with a shovel in generous businesses.

Healing and transcending:

To be aware of the idea that they have all they need in themselves—that’s how they wound will heal. When they’ll know who they are, they won’t need any material needs anymore.

To cut of the need to feel full inside. In the first phase they will feel a major discomfort, but it’s for their good.

It’s important to learn how to say ,,No”—for feeling comfortable. Next time when they will feel the need to buy something or eat more, to go home and listen to good music, read or do a sport or a relaxing activity (yoga, dance, running or biking).

Lilith in Gemini

27.01.1933-21.10.1933

03.12.1941-26.08.1942

08.10.1950-02.07.1951

14.08.1959-07.05.1960

18.06.1968-13.03.1969

24.04.1977-17.01.1978

27.02.1986-22.11.1986

02.01.1995-29.09.1995

08.11.2003-03.08.2004

12.09.2012-09.06.2013

The shadow and primal fear: Self-acceptance

The projection of the shadow: fear of rejection

The problem: if others approve or not.

Thinking projection: through comparison with the other; labeled as egoistic; disgust for those who can’t do what needs to be done.

Relational: Can get to the deep of the soul of the other, which brings him a seductive privacy.

Objective: To not care about what others think about him, to not compare himself to others, to express his individuality.

Characteristics: He’s the one that is expressing himself through words, that talks about his perceptions or his vision of reality.

The message of Lilith: Say what you really think, not what you think will be intelligent, convincing or pleasant.

The Archetype: Dorian Grey.

Manifesting: The native has a hunger for knowledge and informations or can reject some informations; for example, doesn’t read the news. Proves elocvence and mental agility. To not tell some things, has the tendency to hesitate to enter certain situations, preferring to have silence. Starts courses that doesn’t intends to finish or starts to write books that will never be finished. The interior reality won’t be the same with the exterior reality. The native that has this placement, in the natal theme, is usually confronting with a real identity problem, which most of the times makes him question himself, to see himself behind the appearance; will always report himself to the other instead of seeing himself. His mental capacity is extremely powerful and varied, the reason for the confusion or psychical agitation, including a dividing of the personality. People with Lilith in Gemini have a morbid fear of rejection. They are pleasant people, that most of the time, let us ask questions and answer to them, even if they like or not the subject, the shadow is manifested as an interior need to take decisions, to act in a way that people around them will accept them unconditionally, convinced that they have something to win over them. It’s toxic for their soul to follow something that others want, not what they want.

Sexuality: this is a complicated aspect for the natives, because they are constantly thinking and don’t let their psychic to relax; as following, they usually(in youth especially) use alcohol, drugs, etc. They have in their minds countless possibilities, from which just a small amount will truly materialize. Even if in the past of the family there was no incest, sometimes their love for a sister or brother will be uncontrollable, and will try to find sexual partners that resemble their siblings. The women might love video chat or hot-lines to show their bodies. Those natives love to turn on their partner by words. They are great liars and aren’t afraid to lie to their partner so they can cheat on them. The native can be whoever he wants to be in the eyes of others.

Healing and transcending:

If they’re capable to put themselves in the situation of being rejected, to realize that a simple rejection won’t stop the soul from developing spiritually, so they have again control over their Shadow. When the Shadow is healed, rejection is stopping to be a problem, because the acceptance was realized in the interior; the rich creativity is lightning unknown talents.

When they make decisions and are planning resources, to ask themselves why they’re doing it. The answer has to always be “For me”.

Lilith in Cancer

22.10.1933-18.07.1934

27.08.1942-24.05.1943

03.07.1951-27.03.1952

08.05.1960-30.01.1961

13.03.1969-06.12.1969

16.01.1978-12.10.1978

23.11.1986-17.08.1987

04.08.2004-28.04.2005

09.06.2013-03.03.2014

The shadow and primal fear: The tendency to manipulate situations so others are dependent on them; abandonment fear.

The projection of the shadow: The tendency to despise the beggars; karmic debts with family members, rejecting their own childhood or family; rejection of vulnerability, femininity; sexual repression, sexual fantasies, temptations and possessiveness, fertility issues (sometimes abortions) because of an authoritarian mother; nutritional issues (absent or dead mother).

The problem: dependency, immaturity.

Thinking projection: how much he’s swallowed by others; how many accept them for who they really are.

Relational: the discomfort is created by the need to depend on something or someone; the incapacity to take action by themselves, especially when they think they don’t have all the advantages; wants to make others think they’re dependent on others.

Objective: to do things by themselves, so they aren’t dependent.

Characteristics: the impossibility to take care of themselves, much or less of others; here’s when we get the impression that they’re suffocating with too much love.

The message of Lilith: Let go of others and be yourself. Stop deciding other’s fates, think only about yours. Stop playing with the emotions of the people you love.

The Archetype: Peter Pan.

Manifesting: Lilith in Cancer gives the general feeling that the native is not capable to take care of themselves. In that case, the shadow manifests itself like a necessity to manipulate situations so that a person is dependent on them, so he is assured that he is not alone. This mangled feeling of induced care is destroying relationships and makes others feel suffocated or burdened. Many times, people with Lilith in Cancer feel like they aren’t appreciated for what they’re doing for others. The feeling that they’re not supported in what they’re doing stop their self development. The native is like a Protective mother. Family is very important to them. Those people could have nice memories from their childhood, grandparents, parents, schooldays. This position also brings a lot of frustrations, through family secrets related to children given to adoption, women who suffer, some who died while giving birth, are killed or raped. It is a notoriety the case of Sharon Tate, the wife of Roman Polanski, who was killed in the last month of pregnancy and had Lilith in Cancer. A lot of addictions, especially alcohol, characterize those natives. Drugs and medicine are an issue too.

As mother: first pregnancy usually ends up with an abortion or a miscarriage. Those mothers want to teach their children to be resistant, insistent, disciplined and autonoms, because they know those children will abandon them one day and will walk on their own paths. They tend to neglect their kids in their early childhood, being too busy with their own business. She may have issues related to the birth of the child that can get her to die. They tend to use their children as pawns to feed their egos.

Sexuality: Lilith in Cancer is a hard position because it suggests hidden emotions related to traumatic experiences from childhood, about emotional bursts, with hard to contain rage, that can do all the bad in the world, or with unhealthy orientations. Sexual abuses in childhood are very frecvent in people with this position. In sexual relationships there are always misunderstandings and uncertainties, because of their irrational fear of rejection. Both genders that have this placement might find attractive taking care of their partner. In a very paternal/maternal way. Here we see Daddies and Mommies searching for their babyboys/babygirls or Babygirls/Babyboys searching for their Mommies, Daddies.

Healing and transcending:

The unitary concept has to be integrated, the idea of abandonment has to disappear, is nonexistent, and the relationships have to bring an equlibrated atmosphere.

The native needs to do the things he wants himself others to do for him. Next time he needs something that depends on his powers, to pass through it and try to make it on his own. To start with small things.

To do somethings for others, not only himself.

Lilith in Leo

19.07.1934-14.04.1935

24.05.1943-18.02.1944

28.03.1952-23.12.1952

31.01.1961-28.10.1961

07.12.1969-02.09.1970

12.10.1978-08.07.1979

18.08.1987-13.05.1988

23.06.1996-18.03.1997

29.04.2005-21.01.2006

04.03.2014-27.11.2014

The shadow and primal fear: fear of change.

The projection of the shadow: the disgust for the normal man, incapable to raise his position; ambition, sexuality, cold will, megalomania, arrogance, insistence.

The problem: power.

Thinking projection: the motivation to realize what he wants.

Relational: attention to the one night stands; has a very fragile heart and eyes.

Objective: to identify and manifest his gifts, to know how to recognize opportunities bragged out by change, to escape jealousy.

Characteristics: great difficulty in knowing their self.

The message of Lilith: Learn how to let others live their dreams.

The Archetype: Queen of Saaba.

Manifesting: the presence of Lilith in Leo is manifested through theatriatical behavior or the urge to dominate. Success is very representative for this native, that is always challenged with countless issues related to creativity. Those natives fear physical change, like getting old. They are scared of becoming unattractive or unwanted. They have a strong ego, that’s why there are people that love them and that hate them. They always feel like they need to display their own will to prove others they’re the best at everything, that’s why they find it hard to work in a team and try things that don’t give them any benefit. The native is always between people, but most of the times he feels unsatisfied. They have a very dramatic energy around them. They tend to give people a lot of energy. It’s like they exchange energy. Many natives are to see in Hollywood (Robert De Niro, Brigitte Bardot, Fred Astaire), politics (Charles de Gaulle), style (Naomi Campbell), music and sports. They don’t consider themselves normal people; their biggest wish is to have a whole era named after them. They tend to feel like the chosen ones. Many times, the tragic end of a love story drive them to get to know their demons better, not their angels. Marilyn Monroe preferred to commit a theatral suicide, that left her fans in tears.

Sexuality: The woman with Lilith in Leo will search for someone who will worship her and make any of her wishes come true. It’s normal to destroy their partners ego with the strictness and authority they have. They can find themselves living in a nightmarish marriage and try to “ease the pain” through their own children, but when their kids leave, the native feels alone and empty. Those women are able to love at 80 like they’re 14 because of their emotional immaturity. The man with this placement is normally found in authoritative environments which offers them this furious, wild sexuality, especially at maturity. Men are very virile, with a strong sexuality. A such powerful sexuality that they continue their sex life even at 70.

Healing and transcending:

Give others things you would give yourself. You’re able to bring others to your level or even higher.

When facing situations, considerate the way you can give others power. How can you make someone else feel important? Be altruistic.

Try new things.

Lilith in Virgo

15.04.1935-09.01.1936

19.02.1944-13.11.1944

24.12.1952-18.09.1953

29.10.1961-25.07.1962

03.09.1970-31.05.1971

09.07.1979-04.04.1980

14.05.1988-07.02.1989

09.03.1997-14.12.1997

22.01.2006-19.10.2006

28.11.2014-24.08.2015

The shadow and primal fear: fear of failure and need of perfection

The projection of the shadow: the feeling that people aren’t as performant as they are, the fear of incompetence and doubt.

The problem: they’re living with the thought that they will never be understood; critical with themselves.

Relational: they should stop “educate” people and start listening to people’s point of view.

Objective: To stop focusing on their flaws or on fails; to not do things excessively; to stop feeling responsible of everything.

Characteristics: health issues (normally intestinal), death of coworkers, frustrations, curiosity, harsh obligations, emotionality and psychic instability.

The message of Lilith: The frustrations related to work are hard to take, but discipline is needed in everything.

The Archetype: Merlin

Manifesting: This position is related to work and to method to the native’s activity to every day’s dissatisfactions, all be it necessary related to the childish and invasive behavior at work. Generally, these natives are very health oriented in search for every type of therapy, they hear about even if they don’t need it. It’s just a matter of precaution. They love rigor and formal logics in their everyday life and are hedonists. So they only do what they love. If you want them to be conscious or not in what they’re doing, they need to be put in a situation of rejection. For example, when they’re losing their job or they get sick, because they already are put in a situation of marginality. Of course, they’re also very doubtful so they might even reject their own needs. These people tend to overwork themselves, they are hard workers but they also have issues related to their own responsibilities. They tend to overwork themselves because they are afraid of making mistakes most of the times. Lilith in Virgo gives the native a very bright mind and a very high intelligence which can drive the native to very high places in their career. When Lilith is afflicted the native has issues finding themself a job and normally gets in crisis because of money. They also tend to be hypersensitive. They may have math, physics, foreign languages, literature, psychology, medicine and acting interests.

Sexuality: Their emotional life is normally in danger because of their difficult childhood or the poorness related to emotions they needed to face in their early life. But somehow, in relationships, they will not have emotional issues, but sexuality related issues and they will always seem disinterested in sex, sexuality and their own physical satisfaction. These people most likely have been shamed in their youths for asking questions related to sex or they were repressed because of it. because of this you will most likely hear them saying “I’m tired” or “I need to work” in order to not have sex.

Healing and transcending:

They need to understand that every person lives in a spiritual disconnection at some point.

They need to analyze where they failed and what caused the fail. Was it only their fault? Could’ve they done more?

Starting from the fails, do they think they gained and experience in life? In this case, time is the only one that can say it. They will be surprised when they find out that they fails were actually the experience they needed in life.

#lilith #lilith in signs #lilith in Aries #lilith in Taurus #lilith in Gemini #lilith in cancer #lilith in Leo #lilith in Virgo #lilith in earth signs #lilith in fire signs #lilith in water signs #lilith in air signs #astrology #books #Minerva #astrologer #Romania

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salemwritesxx · 3 years

Text

𝓲𝓷𝓮𝔁𝓹𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓬𝓮𝓭.

𝔹 𝔸 𝕂 𝕌 𝔾 𝕆 𝕌 𝕂 𝔸 𝕋 𝕊 𝕌 𝕂 𝕀

⇴ male reader [22, virgin] ⇴ all characters are depicted as [18]+

↳ summary: Bakugou is a 34 year old pro-hero. He had been single since reaching his thirties until one inexperienced, young pro-hero caught his attention a few months ago – [Your.name]. For the past six months [Your.name] and Katsuki have been dating and without knowing it, both of them are struggling with their feelings and emotions, until it all explodes eventually.

↣ rating: / ↣ warnings: Age Gap (12 years), older Bakugou (34), shy virgin reader, cute, sexual tension, sexual things implied

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

Standing in the kitchen, you were setting the table while your eyes wandered to your boyfriend every now and then. Bakugou was in front of the oven, adding finishing touches to the dinner he had cooked, not really realizing you were looking at him.

With a small gulp you hastily turned your head again and stared onto one of the plates, your heart racing and blood rushing down south – just by looking. Though, who could really blame you? Katsuki was, despite your age gap, so fucking beautiful and handsome, it was hard for you to keep your cool around him. It also didn’t help that you hadn’t had any sexual experience yet. Thus, you were even more sensitive to… simply everything.

“No! Think about something gross!”, you yelled inside your head, because one glance to your boyfriend made your stomach cramp with all the happy, fluffy feelings that were rushing through your body. (Together with the very horny, very desperate feelings that made their way down south.)

“[Your.name]?”, Bakugou suddenly called your name and touched your shoulder, hence a yelp escaped your lips. You were way too caught up in your own thoughts.

“K-Katsuki-san!”, you stammered, an instant jolt wandering down in your lower abdomen making you gulp. He was so close, smelled so nice, looked so sexy, the way his plush lips looked so soft, his muscles from all the hard work, his pecs and yet the small waist and just-

“Are you okay, [Your.name]? You’ve been silent for a while…”

“No!”, your voice went high-pitched, “I am completely fine!”

With a raised brow, Bakugou looked at you, the pro-hero not really convinced. You didn’t know, you couldn’t know, but your weird behavior worried him. He didn’t want to show or say it, but he was insecure.

“Okay… Dinner’s ready soon.”

“Okay! Thank you, Katsuki-san!”, with that, you quickly turned around and almost fled into the bathroom.

He wondered if you felt awkward due to the age gap.

Biting his lip, he also turned back to the oven. Since he was already 34, Katsuki hadn’t even wanted to date you in the beginning, despite there being obvious sparks between you. But, having a 12 year age gap was not something that could be easily overlooked – at least that’s what he thought in the beginning. Now, he was very comfortable with you, however, some things started to feel a little… iffy.

You had been dating for almost half a year at that point and there had been NOTHING sexual happening between you two. By now, he was rather insecure and wondered if you just simply didn’t find him attractive or too old. But then again, you were the one who was persistent until he gave in to try and date you. So why was it so different now, a few months later? Did you not like him anymore?

It wasn’t like he didn’t want to initiate things. Fuck, he hadn’t had sex in like four years after his last relationship ended horribly and he needed time to be ready again. So to be dating and not have sex was bizarre to him, because if you would just try, he would willingly jump you any second – but seeing you so passive, he worried he would overstep a boundary if he dared to try something. You were so much younger after all.

“Ugh! I fucking hate this. Relationships are way too fucking hard.”, he thought while quietly sighing.

It all came crashing down a few days later.

Bakugou was freshly out of the shower and still drying himself, when he heard his apartment door being opened and your voice calling for him.

“Katsuki-san? I’m sorry for the intrusion, my friend just got me two tickets to-“, you said excitedly while walking into his home, however, stopped immediately when he came around the corner with a mere, short towel around his hips.

“Two tickets?”, he said so casually, not realizing how hard it was for you to stay calm as all your blood was rushing south.

“No- I- uh- uhm! I-“, you helplessly stuttered before turning around, literally about to just run away, when Bakugou, however, decided enough was enough.

And thus, he grabbed your arm, stopping you from fleeing yet again.

“Wait! What’s the fucking problem?!”

“No- it’s nothing, I just-“

“Kiss me!”, Katsuki then suddenly demanded, catching you off-guard.

You swore you were about to explode, but in the end, you complied and nodded. You WANTED to touch and kiss him, you were just too shy to act upon your pent up horny feelings. So once you stepped closer again, you leaned down to just peck his lips.

And Bakugou seriously thought you wanted to make fun of him. Thus, he grabbed your neck and pulled you down further, this time however kissing you fully on the mouth – hot, passionate and fiery. Thankfully, you immediately kissed him back and it truly seemed like you had relaxed a bit.

“Why don’t you stay the night, [Your.name]?”, he finally asked after pulling back, panting a little. However, he did not think your reaction would be so strong when you stepped back immediately.

“No, I can’t- I, Katsuki-san- and… uhm-“

And that’s when Bakugou simply snapped. Being rejected was one thing, but being rejected from the one who you were dating was definitely hurtful on another level.

“What’s your fucking problem, [Your.name]?! If you don’t like me anymore, just say it and LEAVE. I am done putting up with your shit. I am too fucking old for that!”, he was furious and yelled, before turning around and walking into the living room.

Now you’ve done it.

Your heart dropped into your stomach when you realized how stupid you had been acting the last couple of months, ever since that desperate horny feeling was taking over you.

“No! Wait- Katsuki-san!”, you hastily ran after him, “That’s not it at all! I really, really like you-“

“Oh really?!”, Bakugou interrupted you.

“Fuck, [Your.name], you won’t even fucking kiss me properly, do you REALLY think I am believing you??? Don’t waste our time and just be straightforward and find someone else who suits you better, huh?”

“Katsuki-san, no! That’s not it! I swear it’s not you, it’s-“

“Then what the fuck is it!?!?”

“I am a virgin!”, you then suddenly blurted out, cheeks flaming hot.

“Oh…”

“And you’re so hot and amazing and I don’t want to disappoint you with my non-existing skills and you’re probably weirded out because what 22 year old is a virgin nowadays, you know? Hahaha aha.. so-“, though before you could ramble on more and embarrassingly laugh at yourself, a hand on your cheek and soft lips on yours suddenly stopped you.

Once more, you melted into the kisses, your hands awkwardly placing themselves on his exposed waist. His bare skin underneath your fingertips felt absolutely amazing, you would probably short circuit if you were to touch him deeper.

“You’re so stupid and cute…”, Katsuki then whispered, all his worries and insecurities falling off his shoulders.

“You’re not… disappointed, Katsuki-san?”, you sheepishly mumbled.

“Why would I? I don’t fucking care. I was just… worried. Like you regretted asking me out and you weren’t into this anymore.”, now he was slightly looking to the other side, a soft pinkish hue on his cheeks.

“NO! I like you so much, Katsuki-san!”

Catching him off guard you suddenly hugged him so passionately you both stumbled back a bit and Bakugou’s little towel loosened and eventually fell to the floor. Which you immediately noticed due to the fabric landing on your feet.

“Oh…”

Though before you could pull back in embarrassment, Bakugou had cupped your face and kissed you – quick and soft, a mere peck really. But it made you stop in your erratic movement, even if your cheeks were warm and your [eye.color] eyes shimmered with embarrassment.

“So… how do you feel? Wanna stop running and finally try?”

“YES!”, the way your voice cracked and was all high-pitched was enough for Bakugou to grin widely – you were so cute.

“Good, because I was so fucking close to just jumping you in the next days.”, and with that, Katsuki pulled you down again, lips colliding and tongues meeting in a passionate embrace.

Your raging hormones were all over the place, but now that Bakugou knew, it was easier to let loose and not feel like you had to catch up to him. Because in the end, it was impossible to catch up on a 12 year old age gap, but at least today you could embark on your sexual journey filled with lots of love and lust.

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

@salemwritesxx || do not repost, edit, modify or translate my works

⇻ salem.talks: I just find shy reader and older baku so cute. idk if I will write the nsfw to this but I am kinda wanting to… see how experienced baku just completely wrecks yn hmmm so yeah let me know what you think!

#salemswriting.#bakugou katsuki #bakugou x male reader #bnha x male reader #bottom bakugou #older bakugou #bakugou x reader #bnha x reader #shy reader #virgin reader #male reader insert

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manforsale · 4 years

Text

You’re Mary Winchester and you’ve been dead for several years and you didn’t ask to be brought back from the dead but you are. Your four-year-old and six-month-old sons are now older than you and you’re still so young and inexperienced so you run because dealing with it would be too much and when you come back you can’t even look at your son in the eye because he’s right. Everything he says is painfully true. He tells you he never got to be a child because of you. That he had to be a mother and a father because of you and it’s not even completely your fault is it? Surely you can’t be the only one to blame. But it doesn’t matter because it always comes back to you. You feel guilty for leaving your children with a father who no longer was a father so much as he was a monster, for not being there to shelter them and love them like you should have been. So you take your gun and you try to reclaim your role as protector. You try to ease the burden off your son’s shoulders, but he’s no longer your son, he’s you. He’s the mother you never got to be and he always will be. Your son passes on the ill fitting jacket to you. You yearn to fill it but you never will.

#dean/ mary parallels #they’re the same fucking person!!!!#and in this scene ketch calls them both killers!!!!#billy.txt #supernatural #star quality #400

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queenshelby · 3 years

Text

The Last Semester – Part 21

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Words: 1,856

Warning: Pregnancy, Angst

A week had passed since Cillian found out about the pregnancy and he had been nothing but gentle, helpful and responsive since. Every day, he asked you how you were feeling. He brought you prenatal vitamins and constantly reminded you to drink enough water. He even risked a black eye on several occasions when running into your father who was struggling with the situation and has refused to speak to Cillian again. He was furious and blamed him for everything, thinking that he should have been the responsible adult.

You weren’t sure whether Cillian did all this simply for the fact that you were pregnant or whether he wanted to get back together with you and, whilst you hoped that the latter was true, you wouldn’t make it so easy for him this time around. He had to fight for you if you were what he wanted.

You loved him, but part of the trust you had built throughout your relationship had faded after he pulled away from you for the second time when he faced what you thought were just a few small hurdles. What you didn’t know was that, in fact, the hurdles he was facing, weren’t so small at all. He was deeply conflicted and being with you could cost him much more than his friendship with your father. It could also cost him his career and this was something he began to slowly realise.

***

It was a Sunday afternoon and Cillian was waiting for Nadine, his ex-wife, to pick up the boys from his home.

As usual, she was late and his sons were getting frustrated having to wait around for her once again.

‘This sucks dad’ Charlie growled, causing Cillian to calm him down whilst, deep down inside, he hoped that Nadine would arrive soon as he had invited you over for dinner that evening and, the last thing he wanted, was having you and Nadine in the same room together

Until recently, Nadine had again broken court orders, withholding contact to the boys on several occasions. If it wasn’t for the fact that Charlie had his own mobile phone, Cillian wouldn’t have been able to communicate with them at all for weeks.

It was like a game to her. Whenever Cillian was even remotely happy with someone else, she would come out to play and he soon regretted having given her another chance earlier that year before he took the teaching position in London.

When she found out about you, all hell broke loose. She felt humiliated and embarrassed especially knowing that her attempts to get him back were futile.

And the worst of it all was that she knew about you for a very long time, using you as leverage against Cillian until he finally gave up and let you go.

It was that night, when he called you, breaking up with you when he found out that you were his friend’s daughter, that he slipped. He slipped with Nadine because she was there to pick up the pieces when he was at his worst.

Whilst this little hiccup didn’t result in anything more than a few kisses, it was a mistake and he knew that it was a mistake. The worst of it all was that it gave Nadine hope in a situation where there was none. After all, he loved you and not her.

Of course, Nadine was willing and able to use this against Cillian. She had already threatened him on many occasions to make public the many façades of their marriage and how he chose a young girl over the mother of his children.

This was exactly what his agent was worried about. He knew Nadine for many years and he knew about the skeletons in Cillian’s closet and, whilst there weren’t many, they could become quite scandalous.

Being with you and loving you was too difficult. It was an against all the odds type of situation. A twenty-year age gap was hardly going to be successful. Was he going to risk everything to simply give it a try?

***

Finally, at 6 o’clock, Nadine’s car pulled up in Cillian’s driveway and she quickly jumped out of her seat and ran towards the front door.

‘I am sorry I am late. I got caught up with a friend’ she said in a haste.

‘You could have called’ Cillian then said before allowing her inside.

‘Why, do you have a date?’ she then chuckled, causing Cillian to sigh and call out for the boys.

Just as they emerged from their bedrooms, you also pulled up in the driveway and Cillian immediately knew that this would be problematic.

You noticed Nadine’s car but walked towards the front door of the house anyway and Cillian was quick to let you in after giving you a polite kiss on your cheek.

‘Hey’ you said, greeting Nadine who didn’t bother to say anything to you but, instead, roll her eyes.

‘What is she doing here?’ Nadine then asked Cillian, ignoring your presence.

‘I invited her. Why?’ Cillian asked somewhat annoyed and Nadine immediately huffed in disapproval.

‘I don’t want her to spend time with my children. It sends the wrong message to them’ Nadine explained.

‘And what message may that be Nadine?’ Cillian asked rather irritated before Nadine escalated the situation and, once again, insulted you.

‘You think it’s a good idea to show the boys that this is ok? Being with someone that much younger who clearly isn’t compatible in any sort of way?’ Nadine then said before Cillian told the boys to wait in the car as he didn’t want them to hear the conversation between him and their mother.

‘Can you not do this in front of the children?’ Cillian asked angrily after the boys left with their Gameboys.

‘Do what? You are the one who is fucking a uni student, not me’ she then shouted and it soon became too much for you to listen to.

‘Hey, listen, I am going to go. This is awkward and I don’t want to be in the way, really’ you then said, feeling uncomfortable.

‘Wait on Sweetie. I am not finished’ Nadine said and you turned around at the door, rolling your eyes at her as you did.

‘Did he tell you that, when he visited Dublin a few months ago, he spent time with me? Just the two of us?’ Nadine then asked before telling you how she was very well aware of Cillian’s needs and that you were likely too young and inexperienced for him and he would have realised this by now.

‘Nadine, that’s enough!’ Cillian growled, interrupting Nadine as she went on.

‘I am going’ you then huffed out, irritated and upset. She was taking it too far and you didn’t need this in your life.

‘Y/N, hold on’ Cillian said, trying to hold you back but you shook your head and left. You didn’t want to deal with this.

‘Just remember what I have against you Cillian. Surely, if this becomes public, Y/N might get some ideas. Poor thing, so young and innocent. Also, the boys are staying with me for the next two weeks’ Nadine chuckled somewhat amused.

‘Fuck this, Nadine. I have had enough of this crap. Fucking do it, eh! Send it to the fucking paper just as you have threatened for years. I no longer give a shit and in so far as the boys are concerned, I will be in contact with my lawyer tomorrow. A fit and proper person doesn’t use their children as leverage. Fucking wake up, would you’ Cillian growled before storming outside with the boys’ backpacks and putting them into Nadine’s car before giving each of them a hug and saying goodbye to them.

‘Love you guys, see you on Wednesday’ he said with a warm smile before getting into his own car with the view to drive after you to apologise about Nadine’s behaviour and having you get caught up in this.

***

As expected, just before Cillian arrived at your house, he received a call from his agent Brian who was clearly upset and annoyed.

‘We have a problem Cillian’ he said with an almost terrified voice.

‘I know. Her name is Nadine’ Cillian chuckled.

‘I have seen it. Just then. She sent it to me via email’ Brian said concerned.

‘Did you enjoy it?’ Cillian laughed.

‘You need to take this seriously Cillian. Nadine also told me that you are back with the girl’ Brian then said.

‘She held this against me for fucking years and I played along for the boys’ sake, but I can’t keep going like this’ Cillian then explained, causing Brian to sigh.

‘This and the fact that you are with a 20 fucking something year old who also happens to be your friend’s daughter is a fucking disaster mate. You need to break it off’ Brian argued.

‘She is pregnant’ Cillian then said, knowing that this would annoy Brian even more.

‘You are fucking kidding me. Fuck mate. For your career’s sake you need end it with this girl quietly, pay her, get her to sign an NDA’ Brian explained.

‘No Brian, I won’t be doing any of these things. Let me tell you something. I married Nadine because she was pregnant with Charlie. I never loved her. I simply did what others told me was the right fucking thing to do. This is probably why our relationship was so messed up. I was about to do this again, listening to what others tell me is right or wrong and what is good for me. Listening to you, to Nadine, John and my mother. But, luckily, this time, I just came to my fucking senses’ Cillian said just before he pulled up in front of your apartment building.

‘She is twenty years younger than you, what do you think will happen in twenty years? Will she still be around? Will she be worth all this?’ Brian then asked somewhat upset.

‘I don’t know, but I am keen to find out’ Cillian said as turned off the car.

‘This could be career suicide Cillian’ Brian said.

‘Perhaps. So, I suggest that you work hard for your commission while you still can and use these connections of yours to make publication of what Nadine has sent you hurt as little as possible’ Cillian chuckled.

‘It’s a sex tape Cillian. What the fuck do you want me to do about it? Censor it?’ Brian asked.

‘If you do, keep the good parts, eh? I need to go’ Cillian said.

Tag List:

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#cillian murphy #cillian murphy smut #cillian murphy x reader #cillian murphy imagine

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