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thechangeling · 5 years

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For better or worse, I am alive.

So basically my brain is being a jerk again and making me suicidal. So I decided to repost this.

Set after QOAAD.

Sometimes mornings just hurt.

Kit had no explanation as to why.

There were just days when he opened his eyes and the burden of the day ahead was simply too much to bare.

Today was one of those days.

I'll just sleep for a few more minutes. I just need a little more time. Just a little longer.

Then five minutes would become ten and ten became twenty and suddenly a whole hour had gone by. The heaviness in his heart growing by the second.

Expectations hurt.

Like the way Tessa looked at him sometimes with a glowing smile. Like she was seeing someone else through him. Caught up in her own fond memories. Wanting him to be like the Herondales she lost.

Be brave and strong. Be the perfect warrior like Jace or a hero like Will. Everyone's counting on you. Don't be weak.

Don't be weak.

Herondales weren't weak.

Kit wished he didn't view his feelings as a weakness. He wished he could give himself the same love and empathy he felt for Ty.

But he just couldn't.

Logically he knew that just like Ty's autism, his feelings which seemed to be symptoms of depression, were beyond his control. And yet still he could hear those harsh, jagged words forming in the back of his mind.

Weak. Pathetic. He doesnt love you. He never will.

No one loves you.

It was moments like this when Kit remembered what Julian had said to him about Ty's differences.

There are shadowhunters who can barely get out of bed and there are shadowhunters who find that the words float off the page when they try to read. The clave is aware of these things, but they push these people into the background. They're considered the dregs of the nephilum community. I never wanted that for Ty. They can never know.

The dregs of nephilum community.

No one would have dared to imagine that a Herondale could be one of those people. Different. Not at all falling into their little cooker cutter idea of a perfect angelic warrior.

It was the same kind of thinking that led most people to assume Kit was straight. No he couldn't possibly be "like that".

Fucking small minded babies. All of them.

Memories hurt.

Memories of Ty's smile, his laughter and all his quirks.

Then the memories of Ty raising Livvy from the dead. Pleading with him. Telling Ty that he loved him. He knew it was a bad idea and he knew Ty wouldn't say it back and he knew he was being pathetic and selfish and now he was sinking again.

Kit never really knew what it was like to be loved. He never had a mother growing up and looking back on his relationship with his father, he was almost positive that he had never really loved Kit. At least not the way the Blackthorns loved each other. He shouldn't have let himself crave Ty's love. It would never happen

However, he still let himself hope. Maybe this time things could be different. Maybe this time the pain wouldn't win. But it did. It won in the form of anger. Kit allowed the darkest parts of his mind to transform the heartbreak into anger.

Anger was easier. Anger hurt less then the truth.

I wish I never met you.

A fucking lie.

I love you. I need you. I feel like I'm drowning, I've been drowning my whole life and you're the only thing that makes it better. Things don't hurt as much when you look at me. I'm sorry I know you're dealing with a lot but I need to talk to you. I need to talk to someone.

No. He could never say any of that. He couldn't tell anyone.

Kit rolled over in bed and checked the clock on his nightstand.

3pm. Jesus christ.

Pathetic. Worthless.

Kit squeezed his eyes shut and put a pillow over his head.

I can't do it. I can't do anything.

A knock on his bedroom door jolted him out of his thoughts. "Kit?" Tessa called apprehensively, "Are you alright?"

She didn't sound angry or even exasperated.

She sounds worried.

Worry. Pitty.

These were things worse then hostility. It made everything harder.

"Kit? I'm coming in." The door swung open to reveal a frazzled looking Tessa. Her brown hair had been tossed up in a messy bun and she wore baggy excersise clothes to accommodate her rather large baby bump. Any day now Tessa and Jem would have a child of their own. They probably wouldn't want him around any more.

"Sorry, you didn't answer me" Tessa spoke tentatively, almost as if she was afraid to break him. "Its been one hell of a day. Jem and I are trying to finish the nursery."

Kit looked down avoiding her eyes. "I'm sorry" he breathed out, unable to speak any louder then just above a whisper. It would require too much effort. " I just dont feel well".

I just dont feel well.

I think I'm sick.

These are the phrases Kit kept repeating over and over again. Different ways to tell Tessa how he was feeling without actually telling her.

Tessa sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed beside him. "Ok, but it seems like you haven't been feeling well for awhile now" Tessa explained worridly. "If you need to talk about anything, I'm here." Tessa gave him a comforting smile. Kit was still trying to avoid looking her in the eye.

Why is this so hard? She might understand.

No, She won't. No one will.

Kit could feel his eyes beginning to water. Tessa gently rested a hand on his shoulder. She was biting her lip in contemplation as if deciding what to say.

"Kit listen" she began. " let's say supposedly you had something wrong with your physical health. Maybe a heart defect or a brain tumor or something".

Kit looked up slightly alarmed, "but I dont have a brain tumor?" He cocked his head slightly in confusion.

Tessa looked like she was fighting a smile. "No, but just bear with me here ok?" She pulled her legs up onto the bed so she was sitting crosslegged and then took a deep breath Kit felt the urge to apologize, but instead shook it off. Maybe she wasn't annoyed. Perhaps this was something completely different then Tessa telling him off.

"So, as I was saying" she continued, " if you had something wrong with your physical health you would do your best to seek treatment or talk to a doctor. Right? Or at the very least, you would tell someone".

Kit wasn't sure if he was supposed to answer

"I guess yeah. But I dont get what this has to do with anything" Kit replied hesitantly.

Tessa gently took his hand. " My point is, if you would seek help for a physical problem then why wouldn't you do the same for your mental health?"

Kit inhaled sharply. She wasn't supposed to know. Perhaps he wasn't being as discreet as he thought. His instincts were telling him to deflect or deny it. Do something to make her stop looking at him like that.

But the minute he opened his mouth, he was hit by a wave of lethargy and all that came out was a slow and quiet exhale. Barely noticable to the human ear.

That was all he was capable of managing to defend himself. He was just too tired.

Tessa began to rub slow circles against his back as a comforting gesture. "Hey" she whispered soothingly. "Its gonna be ok. You'll be fine, we can get you help." Kit lifted his lead back up and turned towards Tessa to meet her eyes. " I thought shadowhunters weren't supposed to go to therapy?" Kit asked with a slight hint of hostility. Which he instantly regretted. Tessa remained unfazed and continued to smile at him sympathetically. "Yes well we aren't exactly a part of shadowhunter culture right now, and even if we were, nephilum attitudes towards therapy are something that needs to change as soon as possible." Kit nodded along, behaving almost as if he was in some sort of trance. Not fully processing what Tessa was saying. He could hear her continuing on with her reassurances, making plans and promises. He wanted to be happy someone cared enough to try and help him.

But he just couldn't feel it.

"I dont know" Kit deflected, turning his head away. " I just don't know if it'll help, I feel like nothing I do makes anything better".

Tessa was silent.

Sensing a pause in the conversation, Kit layed back down horizontally on top of the bed. Just talking alone seemed to take a lot out of him. He waited for Tessa to say something but there was only silence.

Silence, and then "you should talk to Will".

Now that defenetly got Kit's attention. He shot back up like a rocket and turned to face Tessa again. At first he thought maybe it was some attempt at humor but she looked deadly serious.

"Talk to Will? How?" Kit asked, furrowing his brow in confusion.

Tessa rolled her eyes fondly while still maintaining a small smile. "Kit, I know you can see ghosts. Every Herondale can. So that means you should also be able to see Will and I think he could help you. He has dealt with feelings like yours before. You could almost say that mental illness might be a bit of a Herondale family trait."

Before Kit could respond. Tessa was standing up. " I need to start thinking about what we're having for dinner later and I need to call Magnus. If you want to talk to either me or Jem, we will be in the living room. But I would reccomend taking my advice." Tessa finished, rolling back her shoulders and shaking out the kinks in her upper back and arms. She started towards the door.

"Wait." Kit called after her. Tessa paused to listen. Kit drew all the strength he had to conjure up a smile. "Thank you."

Tessa returned his smile, "Your welcome sweetheart." Then she turned and disappeared down the hallway.

Kit lay back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He had a feelings things still wouldn't be easy, but for the first time in awhile he was experiencing something besides the empty blackness. Something completely different.

Hope.

#kit x ty #kit herondale #mental health #the dark artifices #tda #mental health acceptance #mood disorder

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palukoo · 5 years

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so a couple months ago i relistened to w359 and made a 18000 word document while doing so containing iconic quotes, my reactions, feelings, et cetera. heres some highlights with varying amounts of context. (theres lowkey spoilers for the whole series btw)

""""i empathize too much""""

crazy how i still vividly remember walking outside [my old job] and to starbucks while listening to the spider ep... trauma

i mean i dont love it but it makes me feel things

GABRIEL THATS TOO ON THE NOSE

"let me have my badass space chick victory cocktail"

god like i AM team what wrong with handcuffs but I WOULD NOT HESITATE to kill hilbert for hera

the girlssss are fightinggg

THE SAD W359 MUSIC IS KILLING ME

like memoria who maxwell who jk jk

i love you renee minkowski marry me

local idiot's heart is in the right place

HARPOOOOOOONSSSS

lovelace lovelace lovelace loveLACE LOVELACE

"maybe she's some kind of clone thing" EIFFEL... this is day 1!!!

i hate these self sacrificial idiots

no no no not this music again ill cry

yall are so emotionally stunted it fucking hurts but damn if you dont care

literally how are they still alive

i want to hug her so much omg

alan rody shut the FUCK up im crying

rip zach valenti's throat

face the death reality via math

jacobi being a piece of shit

maxwell said lets kill hilbert rights

this is a kepler hate blog

minkowski thinking her emotions dont matter to the mission oh ho ho

"youre gonna straighten up" cutter they cant theyre not straight

maxwell and jacobi show up and blow up lads

"and you should really be more careful with your queen" KEPLER WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

wolf 359 stop making me stan these literally terrible people

FUNZO FUNZO FUNZO

i am caring about men tonight lads

theyre both awful sure go ahead have history

hilbert you interrupted their emotional moment they wouldve had a MOMENT

hera said im gay

ohhhh nooo interpersonal conflict makes me sad

hug minkowski rn

FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC jacobi and maxwell are iconic

minkowski how did you not kill him

how much do yall use the words "good enough" and "cant"

"are you an alien" GOD the Hints

"one of our... sexier jobs" vs "this is gonna said less sexy after that"

eiffel stop cockblocking them

y'all's choice of pronouns IS illuminating

PROTECT HERA AT ALL COSTS

aw eiffel... minkowski... communication is KEY

oh yeah THATS what the psi wave regulator is for.... SURE

hilbert read the room

JACOBI you can't just describe minkowski like that without giving me a heart attack

how many times have all these bitches almost died

SORRY ANYTHING THEY SAY I LOSE IT

oh minkowski finally flipped (VALID)

oh wait that fact isnt fun at all and im literally crying

LIKE sometimes you save someone's life at great personal risk only to kill her a little while later

minkowski cries to “back to before” from ragtime

i feel to many things about the gals here idk what to tell you i love them thats the problem

its gay and it hurts!

lovelace laughing at people who can and will kill her... hot

OH WERE STARTING LOVELACES SELF SACRIFICE ALREADY

they let lovelace say FUCK

OH WAIT NO I FORGOT ITS WORSE

THANKS FOR MURDERING ME WITH YOUR TEARY ANGRY VOICE

ouchie anyways gay or no but also gay

hilarious and sad at the same time?

MAXWELL dont be a bitch... i expect this from jacobi and honestly i actually expect this from maxwell too but i dont like it

NO NOT THIS MUSIC

BROTP BROTP BROTP

i cant say anything else im too busy crying

UGH I COULD WRITE ESSAYS ON MY THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS THE MESSAGE THE TAKEAWAY BROADLY THE PERSONAL EMOTIONAL ANGUISH THE DESIRE TO HUG HERA ITS

im mad but thank you... all of you... explain...

stop stop stop im literally so tense gone straight from sobbing to freeze instinct

GOD I HATE ALL THESE SURVIVALS GUILT IDIOTS

OH theyre all about uncertainty... the what ifs... okay... ouch ouch ouch

give everyone awards for bolero

eris are you gay

she said gay rights and AI rights

like i know i know we been knew but goddard really is so awful

Hera stop narrating Lovelace’s ongoing existential crisis

HOW IS THIS NOT GAY (I know how it’s not gay but. Let me have this)

KEPLER stop giving Lovelace insecurities and existential crises

Team back off lovelace for the win

like not to be dramatic but her arc is beautiful

oh boy thats my girlsssss

THATS FLIRTING MINKOWSKI

god i love that concern for your gf keep it up minkowski

COMMUNICATION? WITH THIS CREW? BOLD

GOD angrey hera is great

you know hera is having the time of her life witnessing it

eiffel you just ruined their romantic moment

minkowski is gonna kill them

a much better gayer more altruistic light

WE’RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT COMMUNICATION

WAIT I WAS BEING CANON DAMN I THOUGHT I WAS BEING CREATIVE AND PERHAPS OOC BUT IM IN THE CLEAR I GUESS

god hera has needed to snap at eiffel for so long

i can already feel myself about to get hit with the tears... the emotions

that shit hits different renee

The implications that Goddard like destroyed global warming omfg

it’s the moral grayness babeyyy

when it hits you with minkowski's shaky sigh first thing you know its gonna hit different

MINKOWSKI i need you to. love yourself as much as i love you

GOD the mutual concern they always have for each other is touching whether or not you think its gay. i think its gay

HERA WOULD YOU ASK A COW TO NOT BE A COW

oh of COURSE they cut coms first

lovelace is man, butterfly is quote, it says "is this flirting"

jacobi i need you to chill

but jacobiiiii thats lovelaces schtick

oh eiffel... you fucking idiot who gets really lucky sometimes

this game of chicken where theyre both chickens and kepler doesnt know any of that and each of them only know half

minkowski said im an ethics teacher now

who taught minkowski empathy in high stress situations?

yeah so i stay hitting the nail on the head

“kepler SHUT UP” is what brings everyone together

this is, como se dice.... kinda gay

this statement does not bode well for that

“Maybe less talking to yourself” he says to himself

ugh, to be Pop Culture Man™️

RACHEL i love you even tho I also hate you

Rachel if you make one more hand joke I’ll lose my mind

HER NAME!!!! IS HERA!!!! And I love her!!

i have a vivid mental image of post-series eiffel doing stand up like chris fleming style

"my crew has made it very clear through a series of looks and gestures that one more slip up and i am out, thats it, so im taking this job very seriously"

"minkowski is very overprotective in a weird, erratic way, like when your seat belt randomly locks and its like i appreciate what youre trying to do but im going 4mph in a drive way."

"so when something like this happens you have to at least consider going away for a long time and living on a cursed space station"

"you know how when maxwell and hera are talking ive never felt less needed, you know, like ‘cause you guys would be totally happy alone on a rock in the middle of a lake"

"this is the kind of body you look at and go he'd probably be ok in space without a space suit"

the whole "theater kids" video is actually him going off about minkowski

minkowski is too swole for her own good

jacobi im gonna need you to take the redemption arc more seriously

i love my crazy crazy bitches

this FUCKING music

GOD HOW DOES PRYCE JUST ALWAYS GET WORSE

she just like mutilated that man he is doa absolutely destroyed one hit ko

can you tone down the gay, sweetie

you did it you broke rachel and Goddard down to their bare essentials

GOSH shes so AWKWARD

so damn jacobi was just IMMEDIATELY ride or die for maxwell

this is too much for my poor baby heart

pryce & carter literally are just like lets do eugenics, lets do genocide

when hera says ill pull a yall and sacrifice myself for minkowski and lovelace

god like cant believe KEPLER got a redemption arc (well not arc but you know)

ah yes the most tragic scenes all take place at once :)

I HAD TO STOP LISTENING TO BRAVE NEW WORLD CAUSE IT MADE ME TOO CRAZYYYY

THE SCRIPT SAID IT NOT ME

i love space moms!

this fucking music ALAN RODY IM SUING FOR DAMAGES

like the document also does have a lot of like deep thoughts and meta and parallels and discussion of motivations but this is just fun random things i said

#wolf 359 #w359 #i think im funny #im not gonna do character tags lol #my post #gotta love my trend of telling the music to fuck off

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avabenjamin · 7 years

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‪"To the bone" trailer (also the new movie “feed”) ruined my night yesterday I was out here pacing and cryinnnn ngl. I’m not the gal to be this sensitive over a movie/show but hear me out. If this gets publicity like 13rw. I’m OUT. this ones way more backwards like if u care about people with EDS DONT PULL THIS SHIT (-: simple omg.

(Fully aware that some of the actors and the director have a past with an ed, and do amazing charity work) I’m not criticising lily or Keanu AT ALL, I appreciate her background with an ed.l and I think she’s so brave for it)

yes mental health should be talked about, but it’s like, that doesn’t take away from the character ygm? It’s a fiction film and the scenes of the trailer are taking the piss, there awful (triggering to the point of a relapse). It stigmatises mental illness, and 100% glamourises it. Her character is sassy, pretty and beautifully tragic, in a romantic way? get it taken down or im outta this joint /:‬

“I wish I had that problem” you wouldn’t wish for cancer or other life ending illnesses !!!

‪"it’s like you have calorie aspergers" *fist pumps* Get Away ya fool, they were celebrating??? when I was like 13 I would have watched it and get “tips"and shit. ‬I would have admired her character and thought of her as beautifully tragic. just based on the 2 minute trailer, it doesn’t show the ugly side of an ed.

‪nah im actually fuming with this ngl.‬ ‪it’s the production and choice of character really. her, being someone i imagine i’d watch (when I was younger) n think woah i wish i could be like her. It already looks very cookie cutter, stereotypical girl with an eating disorder, who’s too skinny, counts all her calories, looks a certain way, and denies everything. “You look like a ghost”.

To an extent, that’s very real, but that’s not how all eds are at all. Even the name suggests you have to look a certain way to have an ed. a healthy looking body doesn’t equal a healthy mind (eating disorders are a mental illness not a physical one.) ‬

‪ppl may see this as taking it too seriously, but 1 in 4 ppl die with this illness. And the trailer alone promotes the wrong ideas. The dealt by makeup and close up of her bones rllllyyyy is just a criteria to who and who doesn’t have anorexia… :/ it makes a lot of us feel so invalid bc we didn’t look that sick at our lowest. It also makes someone struggling think “I’m not sick enough yet bc I don’t look as thin as her, so I don’t need help rn” ‬ Kinda reminds me of Cassie from skins: “I didn’t eat for three days so I could be lovely” that saids the COMPLETE wrong message to susceptible young people.

WHAT is comical about eating disorders. all the people saying we can’t step on eggshells around EDs is bullshit because humans are inherently vulnerable and respond to role models thus a show portraying a beautiful witty teen with an ED will never be ok

(Also I ain’t the only one who feels this way about the trailer at all) Weight is simply a side effect of an eating disorder, but so is comparison. Maybe you were never tubed or forced into treatment or underweight. But it doesn’t make u less valid.

‪I’m still on the fence about this show, but I rlly admire lily and everyone for it. Just already have some issues with the way it’s been constructed. even tho it may help the minority of sufferers to have an idol etc, it still has its hung ups.‬ it would be amazing if it helped someone recover (as it’s a happy ending) it’s it’s cool to be proud of the context of the movie, but it promotes toxic actions and behaviours and 100% glamourises an ed, no doubt about it.

I’m sick to death of eds being portrayed in a glamorous light, or shown to be a phase/ problem that a little therapy can fix. To all vulnerable and impressionable audiences of the film, I fucking hope it doesn’t have a bad influence on ya bb

"To the bone" will be another middle class white girl who has anorexia and becomes skinny but makes some miraculous recovery. It will add nothing new to the eating disorder discussion and yet again, ignores OSFED. Anorexia is the most talked about and the most represented. There are countless movies and documentaries on it already with side characters having other types of eating disorders. For once I'd just like a movie that has an overweight/healthy weight person who has been starving and gets the help they need.

It make sufferers who are perhaps not as underweight (or who are unable to see themselves as that underweight) consequently see these underweight scenes and feel that they cannot seek help because they aren’t “thin enough” or “bad enough”. Just thinking of the millions of young people who will watch it on Netflix KILLS ME inside. The show will make people without an ed think that that’s the reality of EDs, and not take certain people seriously. I hope they at least portray the loneliness/ brutality of an ed, if not the ugliness. :/ This show will 100% trigger someone into a relapse, that may/ will kill them. when it airs in a week, and ur in recovery pls be careful.

‪I called Netflix to let em kno.‬ it’s a free call too. ‪if u don’t agree, leave it be, just don’t make it cinematic ukno. stressed tf out. sigh. ‬

#to the bone #edrecovery

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stuprosu · 6 years

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september 23rd, 2018 12:08 AM

in my last entry, i said that i would not type up another until i had confronted my mother.

well. over a year later, and here we are. my mother has been confronted, but not by me. i would like to attempt to do an overview of my life the past year.

a warning. i am in emotional states all the time. if my thoughts dwell on my family members that i miss or events that enrage me, i bring myself to tears within seconds and my head aches and i cannot focus much these days. my depression is at its height but by some fucking miracle i didn’t relapse. i didn’t. i also didn’t have the means as the box cutter disappeared.

i will try to remember the details. i found out recently that untreated mental illness literally erodes away your physical brain and memory. so. forgive me.

[aug 2017] my birthday passes by with a quiet birthday. we had taken my brother down to his school in hollister. my mom came with us and everybody was uncomfortable. my mother made a scene, asking my father if it was okay to eat the food that came with our air b&b. she was pathetic. i ignored her and shut her out this entire time. the brakes went out in my dad’s yukon. what would have been a fun trip is now spent fixing the yukon and sweating in the car. this trip marks the end of the close relationship i had with my brother for nearly all my life. we’re still close but i see him every three months for a few days at most. this wears on my soul and brings me to tears now. i miss him so god damn much, all the time. anyways. mom moves to atchison. toby goes back and forth each week despite his desire to live with my dad all the time. my mom doesn’t care, doesn’t get a job, can still to this day never pay for anything, such as gas or food for her own son, and constantly pawns my brother off on my father. my littlest brother is 13, now 14, and is still subject to all that.

[sept 2017] i move into the dorms pretty much by myself. i think my dad brought up my minifridge, but it was sophomore year and no big deal. no one else really said anything, no one else being my extended family. i expect their silence constantly and nothing else except for when it’s “important”. you know, christmas, birthdays, baby showers, all that sort of bullshit. anyways, i start classes and i actually make a ton of new friends in my biology and chemistry classes. amanda, maggie, dev, trent, carter, mackenzie, aaron, all the katies. through them? ameen, meg, brendan, kady. it’s really wonderful. i have a good community. classes are fine. i go home for toby’s homecoming. mom has become the master narcissistic manipulator that she is and is trying to warp everybody’s image of my father and me. she does so within the small, close-minded community we’re from. friends of my family, people i’ve known for years, people i haven’t had conversations with for years, block me on facebook, on all social media. it’s really awful. at homecoming, my mother carpools with us while spouting all that bullshit on facebook and actively shitalking my father. i know that homecoming is going to be fighting between my mother and father. we don’t even make the 10 minute drive to the school before they start in. they begin yelling. oh, i forgot to mention. i told my father about the men my mother had been sexting on facebook with the help of my sister. so my dad knows. he brought those men up. my mom laughs hysterically asks my dad how he knew. he doesn’t respond. my mom asks why my father isn’t stepping up and giving her gas and food money like he should. i ask her why she doesn’t get a job if she’s able to walk 12 miles a day like her facebook posts say she can? my mom scoffs and says, “so you’ve got her on your side too, huh? telling her lies?” this pisses me off as i’m 19 years old at this point, fully capable of thinking, and tell my mom this. i tell her she doesn’t have her family anymore. she tells me thanks and walks away. my mother asks my father to walk with her later on. i tell my sister and cousins the deep gossip. they send their condolences. it’s petty thinking back on it.

[oct 2017] nothing much happens. i get along fine with my roommate. classes are fine. mom is spouting shit and i just get angrier and angrier. she walks over everybody. all my mom’s family isn’t talking to her. my sister and i bond over the salt.

[nov 2017] pretty much the same. my cousin has the first grandbaby. she’s cute and i love her and her name is kyah. my cousin salts with me. no one lets my mom know of the baby’s birth until a facebook post a few hours later. pisses my mom off. haha. i think it was around november that a leak sprung up in my room and i was moved. the girl i moved in with is named erin. she’s incredibly rad and understands me pretty deeply. both equal parts oversharing and similar past experiences and we became very important to each other very quickly. i’m also still angry and emotionally distraught all the time and erin helped. she genuinely makes me laugh and was a pillar of support. she knew intricate details better than marissa does. she is easier to talk to than marissa. isn’t that wild?

[dec 2017] garryck comes for christmas. i am still working. i do good in classes. i have a crush on my friend carter in my chemistry class but nothing happened with that and i’m at the point where i just appreciate the aesthetic and his personality yknow. anyways. we have christmas with my mom’s family but don’t invite my mom. shitty, yeah? who the fuck cares. i am able to tell erin about all this in full detail. i have never been so fully understood by another person outside of my family. it’s really incredible.

[jan 2018] nothing really happens. normal month, normal me, whomst this. nah, i’m still angry all the fucking time. every little thing sets me off. it all stems from my mother and what she is still actively doing, besmirching my father and i. it’s awful awful awful shit.

[feb 2018] something of importance happens. those first few months, i was always able to rely on my mom’s side of the family to vent and shit and i still am, but not with my sister. my sister got pregnant in december and february was when the prospect of having a child really got to her. and she didn’t want to do it alone. she didn’t want to do it without my mom. so my sister really, really pressured me into making up with my mom, to sweep everything away, to rewire my brain and change my chemical makeup and forget all my god fucking awful memories and somehow muster up the strength to speak to my mother without wanting to deck her. it doesn’t work. the kid won’t bring us together. spoiler: he doesn’t. my sister stops talking to me. she is easily manipulated. she beings believing the shit my mom says about my dad, her stepfather. it’s all shit.

i think this went down in february. my memory is foggy. erin meets my friends and there’s awkwardness. erin occasionally makes me uncomfortable. she made them uncomfortable. i have to talk to her all the time. i have to compose myself all the time and be around her all the time and. and i dont think i could take it. i’m a really awful person, you know? i have been this past year. anger and malice has been eating away at me for so long and i am so tired. so... i switched rooms without telling erin why. she asked and asked and pestered and insulted until i finally laid it out. she apologized. she said she would change. she said she didn’t realize. she said she was sorry and sorry and sorry. i left her on read for six months. i ignored her in between classes and at meals. i became a real fucking asshole. i cut off one of my closest friends.

[march 2018] the shit with toby goes down. i won’t bother logging it here. buchanan county courthouse already has. but it puts a strain on things. mom wants to move back to kansas kansas. like the shawnee mission area. dad does too. dad wants to leave rushville and missouri. they begin arguing about schools. mom wants wellsville, a hick town of hick people and hick classes and hick education, the worst. my dad wants a normal functioning school where toby can be a normal non-hick. so does literally everyone, even my mom’s friends. my dad gets laid off. he is struggling to make ends meet.

[april 2018] my dad begins talk to me about rehoming my dogs and our cats. the thought really fucking tears at my heart. he wants to leave rushville so bad and go back to his friends and his life before my mom, before everything went to shit for him. i could not imagine being my father and living in that house all completely by myself. the house that held my family of 5 people, two dogs, three cats, birds, fish, loud, furniture everywhere, home everywhere, music everywhere. his family. everywhere. and that house without my brothers and me and mom became a husk. a ghost of his life when it was bad but it was full and it was full of life and it was full of his children and their voices and their music and god do i fucking miss it so fucking much i miss that so fucking much and i can’t spend my nights alone without thinking about things used to be and i miss everything so much i miss everyone so much. i was so afraid of my father killing himself after being laid off and facing massive amounts of debt that he called his father, whom he hadn’t spoken to in nineteen years, for help, only to be met with silence. he didn’t though. he had three children who loved him so fucking much and relied on him for everything and everything was him and he was everything and is everything to me and there’s no one on this godforsaken planet that i love more than my father. while untreated, my life would end with his. i think he knew that. i was so afraid of my mother killing herself because that would be completely and totally my fault but how could i prevent that? i need to turn off the smiths right now.

i need to breathe. i need to ground myself. i need to remember it is going to be okay. april was okay. nothing happened major.

[may 2018] nothing happens here. school ends. dad has been hanging out with his friends, one of them being amy and her family. oh, my mom through all of this has been disagreeing to settlements and therefore heavily delaying the actual divorce and has been doing that since sept 2017. my parents didn’t get officially divorced until aug 2018. that’s how much of a cunt she is. my dad’s two greatest friends are amy and marilee. they’re really really really wonderful women who help my dad and help me and family and i don’t know them that well but they’d do anything for my brothers and me. they’re true friends, good kind souls that fill this world. amy is also going through a divorce. my dad and her bond over that. but they don’t see each other. they don’t date, despite my mom’s best efforts to convince the world they’ve been having a 12 year long affair and amy’s youngest is actually my dad’s. oh well, haha. my mom’s a dumb petty bitch. anyways. we go to amy’s mom’s lakehouse and have a really good time swimming in the water. garryck comes up from school for a few weeks and brings his friends and it’s all a really wonderful time and we spend weekends out there and amy’s mom nancy is a wonderful woman and everything is great.

[june 2018] summer is still great. i work all the time. i move into an apartment in saint joseph with my friends kady and ashleigh. everything is good. we split it. jyro moves with me. everything is really great and nice. the summer is nice. i don’t hear much above my mom. living on my own, it was like. yknow. The Milestone. The last one that separated me from my adolescence. i see my dad about every two weeks on the weekends i don’t work. it is a good routine and it really really messes with me if i don’t see them at least every two weeks. i can see the damage to my mental state. it gets the worst right before i go and visit them, when it’s been the longest. i just love sitting and chatting with my papa. i feel like it makes me whole, complete, recharged and energized. i love him so much. the summer is bliss. the summer is great. i pay rent and become and adult and bills and everything is good.

[july 2018] my mother moves to wellsville and moves in with a guy down there, so the dumb bitch loses her alimony lmaooo. however this means there is now an hour and something odd drive between my mother and father’s house, where toby must be transported. my mother can’t even afford her phone bill, so there’s no way she can afford the gas for this. of course, my father transports him, because he’s working odd jobs constantly and stressed about not being able to find a job and i get that second hand anxiety because i want him to be okay and i want to live an easy life without stress and he can’t do that with my leeching mother. breathes. anyways. she moves toby down there without telling him that doesn’t go well and that pisses me off royally and everything is rough for a few moments. i don’t ever talk to my mom. i block her on facebook. i think my sister’s baby shower is this month. i spend the days prior with my aunts and cousins helping set up. i was also sick and pretty useless. anyways, we salt about my mom because she’s not communicated about shit and everyone is upset with her and not talking to her so i’m just drinking the tea at this point in time. baby shower is fine, sister is exasperated with lack of a relationship with my mom, the thing goes fine, whatever. nothing really else happens in july. i bought my dad a hat for his birthday.

[august 2018] wooooooooooo birthday month. also a really awful month. my brother went back to school. my dad rehomed both my dogs to new homes, but at least they’re together. that was really really really really really rough and i miss those pups so fucking much and i am so angry at the situation at everything at everything at everything i miss my dogs. i had to rehome my ferrets. i did that by myself. a rescue in liberty took them. i miss those fuckers so much. but they’re in a better place. my dad also rehomed our two other cats. i did not get to say goodbye. i don’t know where they went and i can’t visit them like i can the dogs. it really really gets to me sometimes, thinking i was so important in their lives and now i’m gone. i got a card from work for my birthday. marissa and ashleigh took me out to dinner. some cards and a bunch of facebook posts. school starts back up. i see my old college friends that i genuinely miss. i see erin in one of my classes and i realize how much i miss her, but she looks at me with so much resentment. i fucked up so bad. but i missed her and i needed. well i wanted our friendship back. it wouldn’t be the same, no, but god do i need all the help i can get traversing my fucked up life. so i sent her this long ass message, explaining myself, my mistakes, why i fucked up, why i was so immature, why i was a total asshole for no reason. she took me back and i am so happy. our friendship is so good again. i love having her back and i think about the good things in my life like that a lot. toby started at wellsville, much to everyone’s chagrin. my sister has her baby. his name is bentley. he is very cute and i love him. my sister does not talk to me or my dad as much. i think she is slowly cutting us away. i try not to think about it.

[sept 2018] my dad did get a new job and apartment actually in august but i’ve already typed this and ya bitch lazy. hence all the rehoming. he gets health insurance october first. i am so ready to go to the doctor again and get my thyroid and my depression treated. i don’t remember a lot of things from my childhood anymore and it is scaring me and i think my depression is causing it. though i am not a doctor. this boy sam is talking to me and goes to my uni but we haven’t met in person, though i think he likes me. i am not sure.

life is okay right now. i am sitting in my dad’s apartment waiting for him to get off work at 2am. i have been watching rick and morty and shitty teenage romcoms all day. i am really exhausted right now but i’m waiting for him. i hope things get better for me. they’re okay right now. i am going to see the national october 7th. i saw modest mouse back in may. that was really fantastic. i don’t have to retake chemistry 120. i have my cat. my monstera has new growth. halloween is soon. there are a lot of good things right now. i just heard matt’s “hey baby” in nobody else will be there. what else do i need right now?

hopefully i’m treated soon and will keep up with this better

xox lex

#journal #tenth post #september 23rd #2018

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dialogueofdiscord · 6 years

Text

Really Personal Post to Distact Myself

So MAYBE I'll be able to be on my mom's health insurance again in a few days, or weeks, which means POSSIBLY I'll get back on my most important medications again in a couple months, which take 6 weeks to kick in, and since I moved six months ago I ALMOST ASSURADLY wont get an appointment with a Cognative Behavioral Therapist, my most effective treatment ever, for another 6 months because American Mental Health has been overbooked for years, and since I'm not going to kill myself right now, THE ONLY thing I know works to not hurt myself besides waking my mom or emotionally damaging my few friends is 80proof alcohol; thats how I worked before Trump's steal tariffs closed the factory I was a skilled worker at down, and that's how I sleep now that I cant get a prescription for a drug I've been on half my life anymore. It's been a generic drug in the USA that whole time.

I struggle to wake up. I struggle to sleep. I struggle to go out in public. I struggle to TALK. Im struggling to apply for jobs to get health insurance. I have 2 associate's degrees, one in a skilled trade (cnc machining & programing), but Im unemployed, partly due to the "trade war" on steel (it costs more to import steel and aluminium to make parts? Make parts ELSEWHERE out of steel and aluminium THEN import parts!") And Im in no place to move for a job cuz living with my mom is the only thing keeping me ok right now.

Living with my mom at 24? Well, she works all day, so she sets out a cookbook with a post-it note of the recipe page I am to cook for dinner. I dont have to plan out ingredients if Im not up for it, it's all there. I can make a side salad too, or heat up some beans, but Im cooking dinner and being productive. She'll call me at 11am to make sure I wake up. She'll call me at 1pm to make sure I go outside to water plants. She gets home and makes sure I eat something. She makes sure to take me to the farmers market Saturday so that I am around people with her as a safety net. And as I have out of my meds, she helps me with job applications. She's trying to work out the health insurance. She does EVERYTHING she can to keep me from feeling the need to hurt myself, so yeah, Im not currently in a situation where I am able to relocate.

Im not a cutter. But in my GENUINELY MENTALLY ILL head, something about having a place to point to as "THIS IS WHERE IT (partially) HURTS; THIS IS PAIN (at least part of it). Some VISIBLE PHYSICAL PAIN" makes since. But that isnt true. It's maybe descriptive, but to the people who really matter to me and care about me, this isn't my pain. It doesnt have to be 'proven', at least it shouldnt. Part of writing this out is a distraction as well as a way to organize a few hard-to-enunciate-thoughts (Im dyslexic and writing is rediculously hard for me) but hopefully also to remind myself that I dont need to try to prove to any decent person that Im not alright by hurting myself.

"Hey, stop whining youve got someone on your side, snowflake"

A) are you ok? I hope you can find help if you need it. Im not a professional to recomend services, I hate those PSAs that say "get help if you have issues" WHAT HELP, PHELPS?! WHERE?! Who!? You know what? I'll look some of that up later. Im not ok-enough to do that right now, and from past experience it's mostly for acute issues, but IF YOU NEED HELP, TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET.

b) I studied machining and have taken one sociology and psychology class each. Non-professional support means a whole lot, so very very much in whatever healthy form you can find, but plenty of humans have a few little messed up chemical signals in their brain, and plenty of humans have been tricked into a stupid and destructive way of seeing things and need some experienced help seeing things a slightly different way, and some people have seen the truely fxxxed up side of "humanity" and need some help to see decency in others once again.

I'm not completely dysfunctional, but I still depend on psychiatric medication. I havent died or hurt anyone but myself, but you know what? I HAVE hurt myself. I havent been 1/4 as productive as I was the previous decade. Im 24 and almost exclusively talk to my mom and siblings. So I do have family support. But that dosent mean I dont need help. And that's ok. What's not ok is that I haven't been able to get the incredibly basic, non-expensice medication I need.

#AHHHH

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