#you may remember my break previously because of my health and unfortunately these issues have returned tenfold

[letterstosirsonic]

My dearest Sonic,

Oh, how I wish to speak with you, just one more time.

Though I acknowledge that these letters may never grace your sight again, I trust you would find comfort in this solace that grows within me as I pen the emotions weighing upon my heart.

This realm of ink and paper lets me safely release these feelings, allowing them to flutter and soar like wondrous butterflies.

It grants me that of closure, knowing that these words serve as a testament to the love and memories we once shared, tenderly preserved within these pages.

I am forever changed by the mark you left on my soul.

In this continued act of writing, I find myself ever more connected to the essence of your being, as though you were gently guiding my pen with the touch of a noble hand.

I cherish the memories we created, holding them close as if they threaten to slip away with the passage of time.

Slowly, I'm learning to draw strength from these memories we shared.

Despite the void you left seeming insurmountable, it is an endearing reminder that life can be as cruel as it is beautiful.

This loss is a shadow that clings to my every step, a constant reminder of the emptiness that haunts our once vibrant world, an ache that refuses to fade with time.

Still, even in the depths of my loss, your essence remains an ethereal beacon, guiding my path as I journey through this world without you.

Oh, Sonic, how I long for the sound of your laughter, the warmth of your embrace, and the unwavering courage that defined you.

In your absence, I find myself adrift in a restless sea of grief.

On these long nights, I whisper your name, praying that somehow, you can hear me across the realms that separate us.

I cling to the belief that love transcends time and space, and one day, our souls shall reunite in the embrace of eternity.

But for now, I'll allow the weight of losing you to envelop me for a while longer.

Forever missing you,

Lancelot.

[synoxshots]

The Master KOTFE Adventure

My latest project has been playing through KotFE on master mode.

Why ever would you want to do that? you may ask, and I have asked myself the same thing. In short, it was a mix of having a light sided empire toon that I didn't want the autocompletes on, and the fact that he is also the best geared character I've ever had and the discipline I've had most experience playing. And I've run through KotFE quite a few times so, freshening it up I guess? 

So this is how it went. This isn't a guide - more, a record of my experiences as I went through. As ever, some things I found easy others might find hard, and (more likely, lbr) vice versa. 

The gamer:

I play a Rage Jugg, wear Descent of the Fearless set, gear level 306 with a full set of 286 augments. So - very well geared, but not fully optimised stats wise. Experience wise for this - I'd done a few chapters on vet mode before with a Guardian (Focus) and Powertech (Pyrotech) though not always at max gear (probably in the 290s when I first gave it a go), and I like trying to solo group content like vet fps (master for Red Reaper only) because I don't love myself, I guess. A smidge of ops experience. I'm reasonably competent as a player but also prone to stupid, I don't claim to be great by any means.

Chapter I

All went smoothly, died on the last fight against the BD-148 elite skytrooper - but that was just because I forgot about heroic moments existing, given that half the chapter is spent without a companion. Used my enraged defence a few times but never really felt at risk of dying. Apart from the one time when I did, obviously. Marr goes up to 28 influence automatically. Lots of mobs can be skipped as they're already engaged in fights.

Chapter II

Quite a few mobs you can skip around. Valkorion heals you though he's not a companion so no heroic moment. Last monolith did get me close to death sometimes, so there was a bit of running away so I could heal up a bit more, and making good use of defensive abilities. But no deaths on this one!

Chapter III

I died twice on this one, both were easily preventable. The first was against the Ground Assault Walker (massive droid before the bridge) and pretty much because I hadn't raised Lana's influence yet, so I upped it to 20 before starting the fight again and cleared it very quickly. Sidenote: a while back I bought a bunch of Spiced Aric Tongue from the Jawa scrap peddlers as I didn't know what else to do with all that, Lana accepts it so it's a nice quick way to up her level (Koth likes it too, a lot, which is handy). Second death was against like, a handful of skytroopers when I was shutting down the reactor and really it was mostly because I wasn't paying attention properly, though Lana died both times at this point. There's another fight where these prototype skytroopers keep swarming and I was a bit nervous because there were kolto stations there and I couldn't entirely remember how intense it got. The answer was...not intense at all and I definitely didn't need them. The final fight on this one is the two Zakuul knights but they didn't cause me any problems. All in all I'd say the deaths I've had so far have all been my own fault.

Chapter IV

This...did not go as well. And I'm not entirely sure why, just bad play on my part I think mostly, sometimes there are days when I just play like trash *shrug*. Not timing things like enraged defence, heroic moments and so on very well which meant I died a few times to wildlife - twice the larger bosses, twice mobs of normal/strong ones. Yeah... Kept upping my companion influence so all three (Lana, Koth and HK by this point) got up to 27 but I think even higher than that may be needed as they just didn't seem to be healing well. 

Chap V

I was a bit wary heading into this one, as it was one I'd run before on vet mode and remembered having trouble with the skytrooper waves. I was less geared then though, and had less companion influence doing that, having now taken everyone up to about 32. I didn't record any deaths on this though had a near miss - but I had saved my enraged defence/heroic moment and so on and hit them at the right time. Hey, I'm playing smarter! 

Chapter VI

I found this chapter easy when I'd run it on veteran not long before, but that was not the case on master. Died the first time against Oggo, that was my own fault though, although he does have one particular ability that hits very hard. Then came the Scions. Ohhh boy. The first two you face killed me, fair enough I hadn't had a chance to raise Senya's influence yet. The second two, Venat and Berusal, caused me pain. The good thing is that when fighting the pairs and you take one down, if you die the other doesn't respawn. The other good thing is that Venat and Berusal can be pulled separately, the bad news is I found this out after a few attempts. And Berusal still killed me on his own the first time. I was not having a fun time. And then you face Heskal without a companion. It takes a bit of tactics. I tried to damage him whilst he was doing Debris Storm, though still had to avoid the red circles. Turbulence gives a lot of damage, so had to hastily get out the way/interrupt it. He also stuns you which isn't fun. Valky pops up and offers you an out after the first phase, unfortunately I decided to stay true to character and not take it. Bad times were had. I went to lunch. I asked a friend to help. My internet got switched off before that could happen. I found out I was able to summon a companion...I know I'm not supposed to story wise, and I'm not sure if you can normally (there's a lot of times when companion summon buttons are greyed out due to story restrictions) or if this was only because I'd previously logged out...but suddenly the fight became a lot easier. Funny that. Sigh. Moving on...

Chapter VII

Honestly not much to say about this one, nothing that caused me trouble. A lot of it is in the open world so regular difficulty rather than scaled to master. 

Chapter VIII

This one wasn't much trouble either, did die once when stuff was on cooldown, once in the final Arcann fight. Kiting him over and hitting the conduits there is a big help as they stun him, that is probably very obvious but I've literally never bothered with them on story or vet mode. We're halfway there!

Chapter X

This one also gave me a Time. The problem I had was when you come up against Faedral and Zaamsk. My first thought was the difficulty was because I hadn't raised Kaliyo's influence (oops, but you get her on the spot and I didn't have gifts handy...or at least the ones I thought she liked she didn't actually) (this is how I found out that agent!Kaliyo and alliance!Kaliyo have different preferences, apparently this will also apply to other - but not all - returning companions). But I raised her to 28 and still kept dying. It's a bit of a nasty fight honestly, and the guide I looked at said that juggs...aren’t ideal for it. Crowd control and interrupts are very handy. I kept getting really close to getting one of them down and dying just before I could, super annoying because it's another of those where if you take one down and die, you only have to face the other one. I took a break and read the guide more closely, watched some videos, and ultimately just decided to bring someone along to avoid the pain, or maybe share in it. I still died but we got through them. The fight against Tayvor Slen, the boss fight of the chapter, took a couple of tries with two of us - the first time I got stuck in a red circle and pretty much insta-killed. There was a bit of a close call on the second attempt but it was under control really. The achievement then comes through for chapter completion, all you have to do then is get out of the Overwatch, all things rosy right? Oh how wrong they were. A bunch of Zakuul Knights came along and literally just slaughtered��us, full on, one-shotting us both - it was hilarious and extremely confusing because why?? how?? Did the bonus mission to get the prisoners to escape (look out for the glowing terminal, it says 'Overwatch Prison Logs' when you hover over it) - they one-shot a few Knights but then disappeared on us too. Who knows. But we got through it.

Chapter XI

A much nicer one though still had a handful of deaths. Where you meet up with Havoc Squad there's ambush of Skytroopers, followed by a couple of walkers - and the walkers beat me. They cast circles that I just couldn't get out of in time to save my health, even with my defensives. I'm not sure if they were the type to follow you or a sort of stamp move (I should have looked at the cast bar, come to think of it) - I suspect though it was the latter and so it wouldn't be an issue on a ranged character. The fight though does continue around you if you die so you don't lose the progress you make, just use the med probe, revive and rejoin. I only took Jorgan to level 7 because that was all the gifts I had, but most of the mobs were just regular trash, typically 3 at a time, which was no worry. When you attack the base the Knights are a bit harder - there's one round the back that does stealth strikes and that's a difficult one to face. I died - the respawn to medbay actually puts you inside the part with the forcefield you're supposed to take down, and then you can't get out of it...I maintain that I did find a way past the forcefield but it doesn't work as a cheesing method. Use your med probe, otherwise it's quick travel out and re-enter your phase. The final battle is a big droid (I forgot the name of it). It spawns a bunch of smaller droids, just ignore those and go for the boss - I didn't the first time and that's why I died - I lost Jorgan, I had two Knights chasing me whilst the droid put up shields, it didn't go well - second time I did it in less than a minute whilst using a heroic moment.

Chapter XII

This one you don't have a companion for, though it's not a big deal - for the most part my main enemy, as tends to be the case on this chapter, was the map. I think the regular mobs are scaled down a bit for playing without a companion. You can pick up an animal to help you as well, which you may as well do as things just die quicker. It runs off in caves. Valkorion does take your health down a fair chunk before he gives you his beat down but it wasn't so bad. Vaylin though took quite a few attempts. You can't interrupt her so you have to be on the ball with your defensives and timing them all, which includes the shield and medpac given in your temporary bar for the chapter. Really the medpac isn't that effective so don't count on it. There's a lot of running around as she casts red circles. Probably easier with a character with more self heals. I got through it after a few efforts, after getting close a few times, though even then I was still low on health by the end.

Chapter XIII

Yeah, this one was no trouble really, and that was with Gault at only level 4 influence. If things get hairy whack a bit more on him, there's no real mechanics to pose problems. As ever, good practice to stay out of circles on the boss fight, you have Vette there as well so a bit of extra damage going and yeah. Nothing to worry about.

Chapter XIV

Another that was nice and simple, I didn't even have any gifts to give Torian so was wandering around with him on level 1. Just a matter of timing defensives and heroic moments in that case. Lots is open world, too. Final boss fight was no problem at all.

Chapter XV

Reading guides for this put the fear of god into me, so I was pleasantly surprised to find it better than expected. The bosses were the toughest parts. The first is the Skytrooper Constructor, that one does spawn adds after a while as well. It killed me a couple of times but really I'm not sure what the best strategy was so I just went for the classic, burn it as fast as I possibly can and making use of heroic moment/defensives as well. The GEMINI droid at the end had me worried. That took 3 attempts (maybe 4, I think it was just 3 though), one of those my heroic moment was still on cooldown and Senya died quickly on it too. It was really just about managing defensives effectively as well, running away when she has the red cone in front of you, using the heroic moment for extra speedy damage. It was a close call in the end but my enraged defence came off cooldown at the perfect moment, thank you Grit Teeth. I wouldn't say this was an easy chapter by any means so quite proud of myself for getting through it on my own! The other thing I would say is watch out for the lasers - they don't do lots of damage on story mode, but on master they one-shot you if you get caught in them! The other various traps I probably got through easier than I have on the lower difficulties which may just be a testament to this being like, my fifth complete kotfe run at this stage haha.

Chapter XVI

The final chapter...and the one I was the most scared of. Took Lana up to lvl 50 in preparation...she duly died early on in the first boss anyway. KJ-931 is the first boss - I say first boss, there's still a high rank enemy immediately before that I died to a few times anyway and needed a heroic moment to beat. First attempt against KJ I actually came really close. Stay out of the aoes - there's a white circle and a yellow cone, as well as a big red laser thing where you have to rush to the corner and if you can - micromanage Lana well enough that she doesn't get caught up in them too. So I learnt that I am not good at micromanaging companions like that. Take the turrets rather than the shields, definitely - apparently the shields also have limited use, the turrets pull aggro as well as giving you damage so they're very handy. Sometimes on this fight I got one-shotted very quickly, others I managed to hold on a bit - but it was the first attempt that was my best run until I actually did it. Honestly I can't say what the trick was to finally getting it right...just a lot of blind panic and luck. Second boss is Dara Nadal - I found it easier to just go for the intense burn on her - put down the turrets, use a heroic moment, set Lana to damage as well and burn. Still took a few attempts on her but each time I was getting very close so I knew I would get there.

And then came Arcann. Ooooh boy. I'd been reading guides and watching videos in preparation but there's still a lot to keep on top of. I decided to use the Marr & Satele Special Saber rather than my usual one - having the benefit of being able to run around quickly was handy, and the other ability reflects damage from his saber attack. This took many attempts - some that went very quickly, some that got him to his final phase. Rather than going into specifics I'm going to link to this video as it probably explains what to do best (it’s handy for all the bosses). You really have to watch for the moment he gets to ~25% and stands in one spot - if you aren't able to do the shield whacky he will kill you straight up. My first time running towards him with the shield in that very last phase I died on the way up. It took me a long time and a lot on repair bills but this is another one I was very proud of for getting through on my own as there were times I didn't think I would.

General stuff:

I would say doing this is not for the light-hearted but it’s certainly possible! Apart from one chapter where I grabbed a friend I got through them all on my own

Some classes fair better in certain chapters than others. I went with my Jugg all the way through, but if you have the characters geared and you know them well enough - and you're doing this for the cheevos rather than going through the storyline - you're likely better off mixing and matching as you go. There were many occasions I wished I had range.

You will die to trash mobs. It is a fact of life. It feels embarrassing in the early chapters, you come to accept this and move on.

Companion influence helps a lot. Koth, Lana, and Senya all like delicacies (especially Koth, that man can eat) - you can grab these from the Jawa vendors in the cartel bazaar on fleet.

Med droids are also a booming industry thanks to the amount I've spent on repairs in the course of this.

There are more mechanics compared to story mode, and some that exist in story mode that you just notice more on master. But apparently the difference between vet and master is just artificial - more health and hitting harder. 

Going Commando is another good resource for their experiences playing through.

[bellasredchevy]

I’m just gonna say it- Bella doesn’t have chronic depression, she’s a normal angst teen that has normal sadness caused by a trigger (Edward leaving) that turns into a depressed state but that is relieved once the trigger is removed (Edward returns) and when ppl say Bella suffered from mental illness and it should’ve been covered more by smeyer (like let’s be real, she would’ve done this terribly anyways) is detrimental to people who actually suffer from chronic mental illness there i said it

*cracks knuckles* alright let’s roll

first and foremost, i’d like to acknowledge a few things, namely, that you are right. smeyer should not have touched the topic of mental health issues. her depiction of edward and bella’s mental illness, amongst others, is incorrect, irresponsible, and even dangerous.

all of that being said, however, there is strong evidence to imply that bella suffers from at least one mental health disorder, if not the three that i’ve noticed bella meeting criteria for. let’s break it down.

the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fifth edition (also known as the dsm-v) is a manual published by the american psychiatric association and is the go-to tool for mental health professionals for the diagnosis and treatment of mental disorders in the united states. i’ll be using this as my primary source material today.

i have a bachelor’s degree in psychology, graduating the youngest in my class, and have been admitted to several clinical psychology phd programs. i am well-versed in the field of mental health, i have years of experience in field counseling and in the research of mental health disorders. i am disclosing this information because i am well-versed in theory, but not in application. i am by no means equipped to diagnose mental disorders (yet) and this should not be used for a tool of self-diagnosis. i would not recommend self-diagnosis. the following is not a formal diagnosis, just some theories i’m positing.

it’s difficult to diagnose mental disorders without a comprehensive background of the patient, including detailed childhood information and medical history. we don’t know much about bella’s behavior pre-forks, unfortunately, and this first disorder requires the persistence of behavior for at least two years. but i’d be willing to say that bella may suffer from a mild, yet persistent and chronic form of depression called dysthymia, also known as persistent depressive disorder (previously known as chronic depression, for the record). in addition to the persistent pattern of behavior for two years, at least two of the following must be present:

poor appetite or overeating

insomnia or hypersomnia

low energy/fatigue

low self-esteem

poor concentration

feelings of hopelessness

(i’ve bolded the ones i believe bella exhibits during the events of twilight.) i think bella suffers from dysthymia, specifically, because while she does not appear to suffer from severe depression, she’s often pessimistic, sees downside of things, consistently fails to recognize her own positive qualities, skips meals, and fails to consistently get a full night of sleep. but kae, you say, this can all be chalked up to teen angst. fine, i say, i see your point. let’s examine my next theory.

social anxiety disorder is a disorder marked by significant worry and stress in socal situations and requires at least six months of persistence in the following diagnostic criteria:

fear or anxiety about one or more social situation in which sufferer is exposed to possible scrutiny of others

fear of acting in a way that will reveal anxiety symptoms that will be negatively judged by others

social situations almost always cause fear and anxiety

social situations are avoided or endured with intense fear

fear/anxiety are out of proportion to actual threat

(again, bolded ones are the criteria i believe she fits.) she is terrified of her first day of school because she doesn’t like being noticed or being the center of attention, she doesn’t like gym because she knows her athletic ability will be judged, and the “threats” posed in these situations are almost entirely within bella’s mind. she keeps to herself and would not have friends if not for mike newton, who brought her into his friend group. but kae, that could be chalked up to normal teen shyness, you say. fine, i could see how all of this can be contributed to shyness. however...

post-traumatic stress disorder (or ptsd) is a disorder in which the sufferer has experienced death (real or threatened), serious injury (real or threatened, or sexual abuse (real or threatened). edward leaving bella’s life abruptly and totally, in a devestating way, could easily mimic the psychological trauma of death. in order to meet criteria

criterion a must be met,

sufferer experienced or witnessed the event firsthand

one symptom or more of criterion b must be met,

unexpected recurring, involuntary, and intrusive upsetting memories of event

repeated upsetting dreams related to event

dissociation or flashbacks related to event

strong and persistent distress upon exposure to cues related to event

strong physical reaction upon exposure to reminder of event

one symptom or more of criterion c must be met,

avoidance of thoughts, feelings, or physical sensations that remind sufferer of event

avoidance or people, places, conversations, activities, objects, or situations that remind sufferer of event

three symptoms or more from criterion d must be met,

inability to remember important aspect of event

persistent and elevated negative evaluation of self, others, and the world (i.e. ‘i am unlovable’)

elevated self-blame or blame of others about cause/consequence of event

negative emotional state

loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed

feeling detached

inability to experience positive emotions

three symptoms or more from criterion e must be met,

irritability or aggressive behavior

impulsive or self-destructive behavior

hypervigilance against danger

heightened startle response

difficulty concentrating

problems sleeping

and criteria f (symptoms last for more than a month), criterion g (symptoms bring considerable distress and/or interfere with daily functioning) and criterion h (symptoms are not due to a medical condition must be met). again, criteria met by bella is bolded.

bella more than meets the diagnostic criteria for ptsd. she has intrusive thoughts about edward leaving, dreams every night about it, plenty of flashbacks, she has to get rid of anything that reminds her of him, going to far as to claw out the stereo from her car with his bare hands, she feels physical aching in her chest as if there’s an actual hole there whenever she thinks about/is reminded of edward, thinks his abandonment of her is justified because she could never be enough for him, stops hanging out with friends and listening to music, has trouble sleeping, can’t concentrate on anything besides school, disassociates for months, and starts cliff-jumping and riding motorcycles. the stress from edward’s abrupt departure ruins her life. she undeniably suffers from ptsd. even in eclipse, when the stressful event has been supposedly remedied, she has to ask edward to stay with her and not fight because she feels as if she would die if she lost him again. bella is the textbook definition of someone who suffers from ptsd.

sorry for the long-winded response. as far as accurate representations of mental health smeyer was pretty accurate in her depiction of ptsd. mental health is something i’m passionate about and felt it was important to be thorough when going through some possible theories as to what, if any, disorders bella suffered from.

have your “i’m just gonna say it” moment and drop your unpopular opinions about twilight anonymously in my inbox

[alcego-writes]

Writing With ADHD

Writing is hard at the best of times, but when you have to add your brain to your list of obstacles, it gets exponentially more difficult. That doesn’t mean you can’t do it! Like most things, it just means you have to find a way to write that works for you.

I am notoriously ADHD. For the majority of my writing experience, I have done nothing but write short snippets of something and then disappear into obscurity because that was all I could manage to do. However, recently I’ve been able to spend time trouble-shooting my writing experience and that’s been a godsend. I’ve been writing consistently (at least four days a week) since mid-September of this year, something that was previously unthinkable. In that time, I’ve written roughly 82,000 words across several projects, which is more than I’ve written in my entire life, let alone over such a short span of time.

I’m not saying this to brag, although I am certainly proud of this, but to say that it is possible to write with ADHD. It is possible to write a lot with ADHD. And it is possible to write without being in agony with ADHD.

It’s not an easy process, as what works for writers without ADHD may not work for you, or may need to be tweaked considerably to work for you. So here I’ve broken down a few issues that I struggled with, as well as some ways to overcome those issues. (Note: These may not work for you, or may need to be changed to work for you. Don’t worry about that! All that matters is you’ve found a way to write that works for you.)

Inspiration Overload

You know what I’m talking about: when you’ve got one great idea, but before you can make any real headway on the project you get another great idea, but before you can get started on that you get yet another great idea, and so on and so forth. It happens to the best of us, and it doesn’t have to get in the way of progress!

Obviously there are a ton of ways to overcome this, but for this post I’m just going to focus on these three:

Idea Dumps

Multiple Projects

Work It In

1. Idea Dumps

It’s not exactly an attractive name, so apologies for that, but it does mean roughly what it says. Personally, I have two idea dumps: one is a Scrivener document where I jot down loose lines of inspiration or basic ideas. The other is a notebook where I loosely outline ideas so I can appease the side of my brain that demands I work on it right-now-immediately.

Obviously, there’s more options than just that. You may find that sticky notes or a legal pad or a Google Doc or the notes program on your phone works better. That’s fine! Just get the idea down, so you won’t have to worry about forgetting it and you get a little bit of satisfaction knowing you’ve gotten some work done on it.

2. Multiple Projects

If you can manage it, pull up several documents. Write down the idea and bounce between the docs as your inspiration shifts. This does require some self-control, namely knowing how many WIPs you can actively work on at the same time (and when you need to shift something onto the back-burner). 

This will look different for everyone. For me, I can work on two projects at a time when time and energy allows, but as soon as mid-terms/finals/holidays come into play, I have to shift my focus to one WIP or risk burning myself out.

Play with it! Look at your history of WIPs. When has it been the easiest for you to write? The hardest? Apply that to your writing routine and tweak it as needed until it works for you.

3. Work It In

This doesn’t work for all ideas, but finding ways to include a heist narrative in your vaporwave novel can be an incredibly rewarding feeling. To do this, consider your active WIP and the new idea you have. What does the new idea have that the other is lacking? Can the new idea be shaped to fit into the active WIP? 

For example, I developed the concept for my sci-fi novel from two different ideas. One was a young woman who doubled as a superhero trying to take down a corrupt government, and the other consisted of three clearly defined characters who lacked anything resembling a plot. By merging the two, I gave that WIP a well-rounded cast and ensured that those three characters didn’t waste away in my idea dump doc without ever getting a plot.

It’s trial and error, but it can work!

What the Fuck is a “Routine”

I don’t know about y’all, but I cannot function without a routine. I also struggle to establish anything resembling a routine without a lot of struggling. It’s hard! It’s difficult to do anything, let alone create a method of going about your day that leads to consistent productivity.

The biggest thing that helped me get a routine was to stop thinking about it as a rigid, immovable thing. Routines can be that, yes, but for me it was impossible to create a routine without trying to track my every task down to the minute. Which, if you’ve ever tried a routine like that and started falling behind, is a slippery slope.

Instead, make a list of the things you want to do every day, or every week, or every month. Look at the ones you want to do right now, and focus on doing those on a regular basis. Once you’ve worked that one thing into your day and can do it without struggling overmuch, you can start focusing on adding another.

For example, I wanted to write consistently. Not every day, but at least every week. And I wanted to have something to show for that, so I would be able to look back and say, “Hey, I’ve been doing good!” So I grabbed a sticky note, wrote the date on the top, and listed every day of the week on a different line. Each day I wrote something, I wrote the word count on the sticky note. At the end of the week, I totaled up what I wrote for the week and then stuck it in the front cover of my writing notebook.

I’ve spoken with people who take their planner/calendar and put one sticker per thousand words on the day they wrote (e.g. on November 28, I wrote 2,000 words, so I would put two stickers on November 28). You might grab a clear jar and some cotton balls/marbles/little rocks and put one in for every thousand words, or enter it into a writing program that tracks that for you. Whatever works!

The point of this is to give yourself a reward system. What I outlined above is a form of reward system, where you can see your efforts clearly and on paper. This is more effective for me than telling myself I can’t get on Tumblr/read/listen to a podcast until I’ve written x number of words, but there are different strokes for different folks. Play around with it, and find a way to reward yourself for your work! (Your brain will appreciate the dopamine boost, I guarantee it.)

Once you’ve added a few things to your daily/weekly/monthly tasks, you’ll have a routine! I like to break down my tasks as little bullet-points on a notepad so I can cross them out when I get done. (Right now my lists look like 1. Write, 2. Algebra HW, 3. Sociology HW, 4. Eat, if that gives you any idea of my priorities.

Burnout

This shit sucks!! You write 5k in one sitting and then nothing for the next eight months (I’m totally not speaking from experience... that would be.... ridiculous). It’s really disheartening, as it feels like you’ve lost all creative ability. You go to write but words Won’t Happen. The ideas don’t just turn stale; they disappear entirely.

It happens. Unfortunately, it does. Some people may call it writer’s block (which I could do an entire post about on its own, as it comes in so many different shapes and sizes) but in the end, all that matters is you Can’t Write.

Before you decide that writing just isn’t for you, take a moment to consider why you’ve burnt out. What external factors (school, work, social obligations) affected you? Were any internal factors (mental health, illness, bad break-up, etc.) getting in the way of your work? Is there anything you can do to ease those challenges?

You might be surprised to notice a few patterns. For example, I always struggled to write during a flare-up, or when my mental health got bad, or when school and work collided in disastrous ways. There isn’t always something you can do to fix those things, but just knowing that there’s a reason can be helpful.

Also, take note of when you start getting your mojo back. When do you notice the first ghostly shape of an idea taking form? When do you start itching to write? Music, relaxation, and days off can have a significant effect on your creative cycle.

In fact, your creative cycle will almost definitely insist you take days off. There’s a reason I don’t hold myself to more than 4 days of writing a week, and that’s because I know my limits. My idea-brain needs time to recharge, even if I can occasionally go weeks at a time without taking a break. (Which, for the record, usually results in burnout.)

Be kind to yourself. Take note of your patterns and play into them. Take time off, force yourself to write on the days when you know it’s just hell-brain throwing a tantrum, remember to eat and drink. You’d be surprised by how often burnout coincides with a decline in self-care.

Consistency

Routines aren’t all that matter. Consistency is key, and not for any of those bullshit “you’re not a real writer unless you write every day” reasons. Momentum is incredibly helpful, and you can’t build that unless you’re also developing good habits.

Routines can help build momentum, but the crux of it all lies in self-discipline. AKA ADHD hell.

Reward systems can help, as can accountability systems (like posting your writing progress every week...), but the biggest change for me was not any of that.

It was letting myself write badly, and celebrating those words anyway.

Sounds odd, right? Why would I celebrate what is objectively bad? It’s because a combination of ADHD-brain and my upbringing led me to develop a paralyzing case of perfectionism. What’s the point of writing it unless you do it perfect?

It’s better to write it badly and make sense of it later. As the saying goes, you can’t edit a blank page. Write badly. If you need to, turn the text the same color as the background so you can’t obsess over the quality. Write in Comic Sans (which is a very good font, but also incredibly difficult to take seriously) or something that you can’t read easily. Find a way to write garbage and then celebrate it. Celebrate the number, or the fact that you’ve gotten the dumbest version out and it can only get better from here.

By doing that, you allay fears of perfectionism. Practice makes perfect, and practice means several drafts, many of which will hurt to read. You’ll get better the more you write, and the more you write the easier it will be to push through the scenes that aren’t working. Hell, get into the practice of using brackets when you can’t think up the scene, or need a name, or need to do research, and just keep writing. No matter what, keep that momentum going.

If you need an outline to avoid getting lost, do that. If you need to feel free to explore the story without restraints, do that. Just write. Keep writing. It’s bad? Keep going. Your ideas will change; adapt to the new concept and make a note to yourself to fix the earlier aspects later. Keep going. 

And there’s obviously more I can go on about, but these are the main things that helped me. (Apologies if the text gets thick at times. Writing is one of those things I can talk about forever when the mood strikes.) Please let me know if there’s anything else you want to know! If you have any questions, feel free to pop into my ask box! I’m happy to chat.

[a-shakespearean-in-paris]

An Interpretation of an Arc

A/N: I am very firm in “while we should be critical of media, sometimes also we should just have fun,” and I do not write this to challenge the common rhetoric I see about a certain someone in Dragon Age. Rather instead, I write this to offer an alternative viewpoint and how I have come to see a certain arc in D/ragon A/ge. I am not going to touch every little thing, but I will give a broad overview. anyway....

Ask me what comes to mind when I think of C/ullen and my mind may drift to the relationship I envision he has with my Inquisitor. I may also think of the wonderful fan art on here, or I may think about how much of a comfort his romance was back in 2016 when I was going through a very rough patch in college. I was so focused in asserting myself in my field that D/ragon A/ge, and by extension, C/ullen’s romance was something I could dive and indulge in, in a sense be my true romantic self. And while perhaps I started writing my longfic originally with an intellectual pursuit, (Can this relationship between a Circle Mage and former templar work?) The bigger truth was that I wanted to be swept away in a grand, emotional romance. In doing so I filled in gaps in canon and better got into C/ullen’s head space, and did some things that perhaps I wanted to see in canon, like an actual confrontation of his past. I wanted him to redeem himself better in my story than what was available in the base game. However, more than a year has passed, and my feelings on his “redemption arc,” have drastically changed. What I thought back then was that the game kind of touched on his redemption arc, but could have done it better. My thoughts now, however, are actually simpler: C/ullen has a recovery arc rather than a redemption arc, and this “essay,” will explain how it functions and why it hits with me more than a flat out redemption arc would have.

For a background, it’s important to mention what C/ullen did in canon that makes him “need” a redemption arc. he said problematic things, but his greatest sin was inaction. (Samson mentions he never played rough with mages if you talk to him in his cell at Skyhold.) We can talk about the evils of inaction all day long and i would probably agree with you, but there is also the added layer of Cullen being a trauma survivor. He had only a quick reprieve from the horrors of Kinloch before he was sent to Meredith, and the woman essentially took advantage of his trauma to fulfill her own ends. I have spoken about Cullen’s trauma before, but that’s not really the focus here. His inaction however, is what is important to bring up, and this will frame the rest of the piece:

So what is redemption anyway?

The dictionary defines redemption as “the action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil,” If we go by this definition however, things get dicey. What exactly is needed to be saved? And what does “saved” even mean in our modern, much more secular world? I really dislike this definition when we apply it to redemption arcs, because it implies that there is an endgame in redemption. You screw up, you realize it, (”What have I done?!”)  you do something to make up for it...poof. Done. But I don’t think it’s that simple. Rather instead, redemption does not, and should never, have an endgame. Redemption is always something to work toward. B/lackwall’s arc in Inquisition exemplifies this. (And I will attest he has a better redemption arc than C/ullen.) He knows what he did was wrong, is willing to die for his act, but when the Quiz exonerates him, he strives toward a better future. 

However, T/hom R/ainier ran from his identity and what he did, he did under the guise of B/lackwall, and acted as the man the real B/lackwall thought he was. it was a mask. It is implied he’s only confronting his past just then when he’s in the cell with the Quiz, and that is why emotions are very high in that scene. After his exoneration he continues to help others, even during Tresspasser. He works towards no endgame, he simply knows he must consistently be a better person and not become the man he once was. 

But let’s talk about C/ullen. By the time Inquisition starts, a period of about four years has passed since the battle of Kirkwall. We know from supplemental information he helped rebuild the city. this was how C/assandra spotted him. She recognized his good works and offered him the position of Commander. While the game should do a better job in explaining what exactly he did and how he processed his inaction, if C/ullen helped rebuild, then he did not run from his past. He had to face it head on when he stayed in the city and helped rebuild. There’s arguments to be made that perhaps the Inquisitor should call him out on what he did...or others as well... and sure I might agree, (there’s a scene in my fic where this happens.) but at the end of the day, C/ullen is important to the game, but not really a focus character, and his arc goes elswhere. It’s an unfortunate oversight, but it’s not as though the Inquisitor can’t ever call him out at all. During Perseverance, this is something the Quiz can say: 

Quiz: The man you were. You can’t pretend he never existed. 

Cullen: Not even if I wanted to. But I am here now. I can make that mean something. 

Alternatively, quiz can say that C/ullen can put the past behind him. He says to that: “I can’t forget what happened., but it led me here. I can make that mean something.” So while yes, I think B/lackwall has a better redemption arc overall, simply because we actually see the full arc, there are a couple things in regards to C/ullen. One: because Inquisition begins a good time after K/irkwall, we don’t see C/ullen’s “oh my god, what have I done moment,” and sometimes fandom assumes he didn’t have one. (which dialogue above indicates to me he did.) Two: He still says some kind of problematic things, but is it realistic for him to do a one eighty...even after so long a time has passed and mental health programs don’t exist in Thedas? In my opinion it’s realistic, and to be honest I get his grievances with going after the rebel mages, because it’s not so much that they’re mages, but that they don’t know the status of the mage rebellion, and then when they find out, they find out they’ve aligned with a dangerous foreign power. (this though is a whole other spiel.) Three: he’s not a focus character. Sure this is probably a really shitty lack of foresight on the developer’s parts, but let me point out that V/arric, the only other person besides H/awke who would probably have some issues with C/ullen...doesn’t at all. In fact they seem pretty friendly during Wicked Grace. Four though, and most important, C/ullen has no clear endgame. Even moreso than J/osie or L/eliana, C/ullen pours himself into his work. It’s even joked that he needs a hobby. He acts, when before, his sin was inaction. In a way, this is a form of redemption: acting now when he didn’t before. 

But hey! You said in the beginning that this was a recovery arc! What gives?

While I argue that the overall “theme” of C/ullen’s story is recovery, I would also attest that recovery in itself is a form of redemption, and this all depends on whether or not you as the Inquisitor keep him on lyrium or not. Your choices depending, C/ullen recovers or he spirals and ends up a lot worse. So let’s dive into this now, shall we?

The Blue Vial and it’s Symbolism. 

We learn early on that C/ullen did something very very dangerous and unprecedented months before the Inquisition formally began: quit lyrium. he did something too that could very well kill him. Putting him back on it nets this dialogue: 

I thought if I removed the part that kept me chained I would find my own purpose again.

C/ullen wanted to be a templar to protect people, something he says. Hell, C/ole even says C/ullen is a “good” one, when asking about the templars because he wants to protect. After the Blight he “served out of fear,” and he was “compelled,” as he said, but as mentioned previously he didn’t receive proper help before he was sent to the queen of insanity. However, he ultimately came to the realization that M/eredith did not represent what the order was supposed to stand for. Too little too late? If you believe that I will not argue with you, but the point is, he came to a realization by himself that many would not have. And to seal the deal, he removes himself from the lyrium, removes the chains to “find my own purpose again.” He stopped the lyrium to remember that when he was a boy, it wasn’t about fear. It was protection. Stopping the lyrium is breaking the last hold the order and his past has over him, and his way of going back to protecting people. it is his recovery. Finding a path again, after treading the wrong one. Putting him back on lyrium is forcing him back into his old viewpoints,not allowing him to fully break the chain. If you do this, he does not recover. The chantry scene exemplifies this: either he’s more hopeful, saying a prayer and having a moment of reflection, or he remains bound to the order. Keeping C/ullen off of lyrium allows him to find a life after. 

There’s a poem Tennyson wrote called “Ulysses.” It’s a dramatic monologue delivered by Odyssues (or Ulysses as Tennyson uses his Roman name) sometime after the Odyssey where the man delivers this long epic speech about how bored he is after the Trojan War and his grand adventure, and wants to go out exploring again. to be honest the poem depresses me, because it’s the narrative I see often, even in my own family. It’s the narrative of the soldier who could not adjust to civilian life after the fighting was done. But C/ullen? romanced or not, he does find a life after. he succeeds, and that to me is very hopeful. perhaps it’s not outright said, but the ending slides, romanced or not, certainly indicate he found a life after the fighting. he recovered, and as the slides say he continues to help people and do good work. He continues to work toward a redemption. this is his arc. It is nuanced, symbolic, and while I have some issues, I think it is not only realistic, but effective, and hopeful. He is like many of us, many of us who did wrong. He doesn’t wallow in the past but he doesn’t forget, and he looks forward. that, to me, is very, very important.

Conclusion and Disclaimer 

I’m not going to pretend like I don’t understand why people have grievances with his arc, but I want to stress that this is my interpretation. I kind of didn’t want to publish this but I spent a huge chunk of time writing, so what the hell. All I ask is please, please, pleeeaaasssssssseeeeee do not be rude or vitriolic. I have thought this for a long time, and I finally wished to share. Now I need a nap.

[therapywithagnes]

Trigger warning

Actor Sandra Bullock joined Red Table Talk on Wednesday and explained that she’s still dealing with the mental health repercussions of a 2014 home invasion. “I didn’t realize what PTSD was,” she said.

Bullock recounted the details of the break-in. “It was the one night [my son] Louis wasn't with me,” Bullock shared about the incident on Red Table Talk. “It was the one night that our nanny goes, ‘Let me just take him to my apartment,’ which is up the street. And I went, had he been home, I wouldn’t have run to the closet—which is now my official closet, but it was his bedroom—and it would have changed our destiny forever.”

Bullock, now 57, called the police from the room, and Joshua James Corbett was arrested inside of her house. In 2017 he was convicted of breaking into Bullock’s home. The following year, Corbett took his own life during a five-hour standoff when police attempted to serve a search warrant related to the home invasion case and eventually called in a SWAT team. “The system failed him,” Bullock said.

Understandably, the home invasion left the actor rattled. “I wasn’t the same after that. I was unraveling,” she said.

Her reaction to the event surprised even her. “It was the oddest thing. I would look left out of a car, not right, I would look left, and I would start sobbing,” she said. It made her concerned about what her son would absorb from her ongoing struggles. “I thought to myself, I’m a single parent, and this child is going to absorb nothing but fear and trauma and shame from me in the most pivotal times of his life, and I was like, I don’t want to drop that load of baggage onto my beautiful child.”

Her concern for her son ultimately made her seek help. “So I discovered something called EMDR, which was the most healing,” she said. But that didn’t mean it was easy to start: “I was so scared to do it.”

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a form of therapy that was originally developed for post-traumatic stress disorder in 1987. According to the American Psychological Association, a clinician takes a history to understand which memories, triggers, or goals are important for the patient and then explains what they can expect from the process. During the actual EMDR process, a patient will be asked to focus on a triggering memory, and the therapist will initiate bilateral left-right stimulation (for example, tones alternating in the patient’s ears, tapping on either side of the body, or tracking a light or finger with your eyes). As SELF previously reported, it’s not yet clear exactly how this process may help people work through issues like PTSD, but one theory is that this type of multitasking affects how your mind remembers triggering events.

In Bullock’s case, she had paddles that vibrated as she recalled the home invasion. “I had the paddles and it is literally the therapist going, ‘Start where you first find yourself in the house,’ and I was like, ‘Well, I was in the closet and I heard him banging on the door,’” she recounted. “And then he said, ‘Okay, hold that feeling,’ and then he started vibrating the paddles. And the paddles were inconsistent. So in your mind’s eye—your eyes are closed—I was going back and forth mentally to wherever the paddle was vibrating.”

But the process also brought up childhood memories that she realized she had to address. “So by the time he took me through, it was about two hours worth, I realized I had gone on this entire journey. And it was inside my house. But all of a sudden it went to unsafe relationships. Unsafe childhood moments,” she said. “And when I got out of it, I realized I have surrounded myself often with unsafe people in situations and put myself there. I’ve no one else to blame but myself because that was the most familiar feeling I had.”

Another thing that encouraged her to get help was a series of unfortunate circumstances that pushed her body and mind to the breaking point. First, her son, Louie, had a grand mal seizure from a high fever. “I thought he had died,” she said. Then her hair started falling out after she pulled it too tight for an awards ceremony. Then she was bitten by a poisonous spider, all in a matter of days. And then the break-in happened. “I literally had to take inventory, going, if I don’t pull it together, I’m gonna die. Something is gonna happen to my body that I can’t control.”

These were undeniably difficult experiences, though Bullock said she’s gained new coping skills because of them. “I learned to ask for help. I’m not good at asking for help. It’s not how I was raised. I had to ask for help. I’m still not great at it. I’m getting better,” she said.

[iwriteshitforpeople-blog]

CAN YOU WRITE ME SOME JAEHEE X JUMIN THANKS

Yea of course! Jumin sat in his chair, staring blankly at the documents in front of him. It was just before midnight but he had not felt like returning home. His brain was working in overdrive while his thoughts were in shambles. His fingers moved numbly, finishing up the document much like he had a thousand times before but his mind was elsewhere. It was back in a hallway and filled with feminine laughter that had left him speechless. He read over the document and tsked when he noticed all of the errors he had made.

“This is unacceptable, this should not be hindering my performance.” The truth was he didn’t even know what ‘this’ was. It had been a normal workday, assistant Kang had been exceptionally fast with her work and was able to get what usually took her four hours done in two. He was happy with the boost in her already high-performance rate, but he had been considerably less so when he accidentally found out why. Though he was still trying to figure out that part for himself.

He had been on his way to Driver Kim when he heard a soft giggle from a hallway he was walking by. He was not one to be controlled by his impulses but he thought when he heard the woman talk she sounded very familiar. He believed it to be assistant Kang but he had never once heard her laugh let alone giggle. He peeked around the corner and found her leaning against the wall, talking to a man he assumed was from a different branch seeing as he did not remember him. He raised an eyebrow when the boy tucked her hair behind her ear and gave her what he must have thought was a charming smile, but it seemed to work on her as her cheeks became a light pink.

He found himself scowling slightly and fixed his expression. A sigh making his shoulders drop and the neutral look on his face morph into one of exhaustion. It had been a normal day and one man who was nothing more than a boy compared to him flirting with assistant Kang should not have changed that. She was his assistant she should not have any effect on him or any impact on his ability to function. The issue was that she did and he could not solve this problem by burying it, he had already tried and it had not worked.

Hearing a knock on his door he looked up, finding assistant Kang standing in the doorway. “Come in, are you finished?” She nodded in response to his question and handed him a thick pile of paperwork. He sighed internally at the weight, knowing that in his current mindset it would take time. He glanced up at Jaehee and noticed she seemed to be shifting her weight rather restlessly. “Are you alright assistant Kang? You seem rather restless.” His voice had a cold tone, his mood quickly deteriorating as his mind filled with thoughts of the undesirable scene he had witnessed.

“Uh, no, there isn’t but I do have a request of you sir. I would like to ask to leave early as I got my work for the day done and have social plans I would like to get to.” His thoughts came to a sudden halt as she said this, was she going on a date? To make the thought worse, was it with the guy who was flirting with her? Something in him did not like that, in fact, he hated the idea of it.

“No, I need your help with these documents.” Her face fell and for a moment he wanted to take it back and let her go despite these newfound stirrings of his involving her. He was startled out of his stupor when the sudden loud thump of a fist banging on the table caught him off guard. Her eyes seemed a darker brown and they were full of anger. Not even when he dropped Elizabeth off with her or when he picked her up did she look so angry.

“As much as I want to keep this job I am tired of this Mr. Han. I have a life, as pitiful as it may be, outside of this job and if you have not noticed it is past ten where my job officially ends. I will be leaving because there is no reason you can not do those on your own. You always have and you don’t need my help. I don’t understand why you insist on keeping me here and destroying my social life and my health through your oppressing workload and attitude towards me. Maybe if you did not insult everything about me, I would be inclined to stay but if I recall my voice annoys you. I have a date with a man who has an interest in me despite knowing how busy I am and I will not let your cat and work obsessed addled mind ruin that for me, good night Mr. Han.” His eyes were wide as she yelled at him, it seemed like yelling to him with how loud she sounded. In reality, she was still just speaking but her words shook him. Did she really feel that mistreated and overworked? He had never noticed but he rarely noticed anything outside of Elizabeth and his branch. Over the course of what she said, his brain had stopped trying to deny what she said and he had to come to terms with the fact that what she said was the truth. He did over work her and he, unfortunately, could do the work by himself. So why had he said that he needed her help? Was it the idea that she might be going on a date? She was going on a date, with the man who had made her giggle during her break. The break she had gotten because she had worked very hard that day to get done early. How long had they been flirting? Had she begun to anticipate their conversations and getting her work done so they could talk? Was that the reason for her new motivation? Did she really hate him so much as to forget about him and move on like this? What was he saying, she had never been his nor should she be. She was his assistant and he was her boss and their relationship was strictly professional. At the same time, he felt a burning hatred and disliking toward the man in the hallway, and felt the creeping tendrils of jealousy wrap around him as he stood up. He couldn’t let her go, he wouldn’t lose to such a poor excuse of an adversary. His footsteps echoed in the hallway as he walked after her, catching sight of her as she turned a corner. Hurrying after her he rounded the corner and stopped dead in his tracks. She was talking to that man and he had an arm wrapped around her waist, and he felt something inside of him break. He loved her, he realized this as he felt something in his chest shatter like broken glass. All the things he knew about her swirling in his mind along with memories of when she looked at him with excitement in her eyes or the smile she had when they closed a deal she had worked particularly hard on.

“Mr. Han?” Her voice broke through his haze and he blinked rapidly to refocus his eyes. She looked at him, confusion in her eyes. He found no worry or anything in her eyes, only that swirling confusion he had seen so many times. He was blind and an idiot, she felt nothing for him. She was different from any other woman, but she would never be his. He cleared his throat and looked her in the eyes, the practiced look of neutrality slipping back onto his face. “Have fun, you have tomorrow off since you got so much done today.” He turned away after he said that, knowing that what he had said was already out of character for him. If he stayed any longer she would be sure to figure something was off, but the realistic side of him knew that she wouldn’t bother to ask what was wrong.

Three months, so much time had passed but he still felt that heavy weight in his chest pulling him down. He could feel the shattered pieces of his heart stabbing at him, reminding him of his shortcomings and failure. It hurt all the more when he noticed the picture frame on her desk of them together, a smile brighter than he had ever seen on her face. The lipstick that was on the man’s mouth making it obvious of what had previously taken place.

He dealt with it the only way he knew how to repress and work. Elizabeth had become sick, she was a pedigree so she was bound to have gotten sick at some point with her weakened immune system. His life had fallen into shambles, a darkness covering him like a blanket and for the first time in his life, he skipped a meal. He had bags under his eyes and his muscles ached when he woke up.

For the first time in his life, he skipped work. For the first time in his life, he drank himself into a stupor and didn’t remember what he had done the night prior. The only hint of what he had done being the texts he had drunkenly sent Jaehee.

She quit the next day, starting a cafe that she ran with the man from the hallway. He still hasn’t learned his name and he did not want to. He did not want to know his name because when it was late at night and he was tired he could pretend like that man was him. That the picture frame was of them and that she quit to run the cafe and he supported her.

It was with the help of V that he was able to get himself together. That he was able to glue enough pieces together that he could function. He got rid of his wine, the liquor to tempting to ignore during late nights. He bought more things for Elizabeth and started a new cat project. He hired two new assistants so he did not overwork either of them and made sure to give his entire branch Sunday off. He wouldn’t make the same mistakes again, he would be careful this time. She wouldn’t slip through his fingers this time, he would hold her close and keep her safe. Safe from any other man that might steal her away from him.

“Good morning Jaehee.”

“Oh! Good morning Mr. Han! Thank you for hiring me again! I know I’m not that experienced so I’m very thankful!”

[anonn92829020-blog]

You’ve reached the end

It’s over.  it was all a bad dream. A nightmare that came to an end. From December to May 22nd. You’ll always remember this day. The day he called your dad and said he doesn’t want to pursue this any further. The way he said those words like you don’t mean a thing to him like this entire marriage was a joke to him He blames me for leaving him for not coming back when he wanted me to but he didn’t move a single bit from his stance. I’ve been an emotional idiot all my life and previously it costed me 8 years till i found out the guy was just a manipulative asshole and he was abusing me. I remember begging and crying in front of him to trust me to just stop controlling my life but he never understood.  Everyone around me hated him! I saw the same pattern in this marriage and it scared me! I could see bits and pieces of abnormal behaviour but i let it go thinking its too early to judge. Maybe it’s long distance, maybe i’m overreacting and it’ll all be ok when i’m there with him. The first week: He picked me up from the airport got me flowers and a cake. I was scared deep down for some reason it was just his aura and the way he acted it always seemed like a cover up like he wasn’t being him! like he was closed off and he was hiding something. He was not very expressive since day one and I thought thats his nature and its okay but it did not feel right anyhow the first day went by thinking it’ll be okay. The entire week his mom didn’t speak to me. I wasn’t welcomed. I felt like an intruder who just walked in their house without being asked to. He spoke to my mom from the airport but was extremely rude, he talked as if he owns me now and they have no say in my life. He talked about how mom talked to his mom and inquired about a visa status and his mom is sick now because of that argument which wasn’t even an argument it was just a question and my mom should keep her mouth shut. My mom only told him to relax, give me (her daughter) space and keep me happy.  The second week: I started picking up on weird behaviour. There was a camera installed in the living room. The eldest daughter in law was like a walking talking dead body. She was a zombie who has given in on life. She was insulted and bashed openly in front of others and no one took a stand. His mom was absolutely crazy! She threatened to take my phone away to cut ties with my family but i let it go, thinking my husband will help but he didn’t. Each weekend he took me out, spent time with me but we never had a connection. I didn’t know what to say to him how to communicate. He never praised me, never said anything that could tell me that he loves me. Yes, there was intimacy in bed but there was nothing more in the sense that each time i tried to communicate how i felt, what my needs are and how his mom drives me insane all day. He said nothing.

The third week:

It got worse! It felt like prison. I was not allowed to go down to get air, to meet anyone, no one was allowed to see me. It felt like i was going to die. I tried so hard to tell that to him to please just let me out for 10 minutes.  He said why? don’t i take you for a walk each day. Don’t you go with me? Why do you have to go alone? i couldn’t understand how is that even a question? If i want to go get air because i’m suffocating in a tiny apartment then i should be allowed to? no? Am i asking for too much here? What am i doing wrong? I started to question my own demands.

i thought i was going crazy but the anxiety kept adding. It kept adding to the point that I would cry in bed for hours each day. I would wake up with anxiety and panic attacks. 

Fourth week:

He tried a lot to explain to me he cant trust me. I cried and told him i’ll leave but he didn’t understand. I told him to leave the door unlocked at least, don’t lock me in. He said no but he kept assuring me it’ll be okay, be patient. I’ll take you away on the weekend, we’ll go for our honeymoon to Seychelles and Prague (though this was after the argument with my parents)

I couldn’t understand whether it was manipulation or he actually wanted to make an effort but he couldn’t maybe because of mental insecurities? I just couldn’t understand but my gut kept telling me to leave! I tried so hard. I gave in. i thought that’s life and i should be positive but there was nothing practical.

Fifth week:

My parents came to visit. I wanted to go away with them for a week, just for a break. I asked him to let me go. He said no. He told me if you leave this marriage is over. I cried a lot. I begged him. He said no. I was so scared of him that i would think 20 times of communicating something to him just so he wouldn’t think of anything negative. He was the kind who would link up stories and arguments to build up wrong scenarios and predict negative things for the future. He had some paranoia I couldn’t understand. I have never come across anyone so insecure.

My dad opened everything on the table and told him that he shouldn’t lock me in like that i should be trusted and allowed to go out like every other family member. He said no and since i have broken his trust he will not allow me. My dad asked me how I did that. he said:

She lied to me when i asked her how many times she has visited the UAE. She first mentioned thrice then when i questioned her she said no it was twice.  Secondly my dad earlier called him to tell my cousin wants to meet me but she then couldn’t come because she went traveling so he turned that around and said some people wanted to come see her and I cant allow her to go out until i meet that person. My dad assured him it’s my reference. I’m her dad! i’m referring that person to meet her. It’s her cousin. He said no. 

And based on these two reasons he cant trust me so I will not be allowed to go out. 

My dad, brother and my mom were shocked, angry and just confused! My dad asked him to give me my passport so he can take me away for a break. He said he doesn’t have the passport it’s with immigration. I went home with him that night.

He cried in bed telling me not to go that it’ll be okay. Deep down he could see what he has done but he was not willing to change he just didn’t know how. He was helpless and i could see. It was like a mental patient trying to snap out of his behaviour but he just did not know how to behave. 

I assured him i wont go but i need to be trusted. He said fine. I wont give you the keys still because i cant trust you but what i can do is you can go after 3pm when the eldest daughter in law comes home and you’ll tell her where you are going, why and she’ll let you out. You will plan it ahead with me and we will see. That obviously meant she will count my hours, minutes and seconds and then tell him whether i’ got back in time or i lied. I could see what he’ was doing but I said ok.

I went back assured my dad it’ll be okay and we’ve all overreacted and he should just go home. Trust issue will eventually subside. He’s just being a kid and I’ll manage it. My dad and mom being extremely religious were scared, scared to their very core. My mom each time she prayed she would get a wrong signal something that would throw her off and they kept telling me to leave wit them and they’ve seen enough. I tried very hard to convince them and went back to my husband again. His mom vented out for 3 hours that day, insulting my family, me, bashing my character, ridiculing my mom. She did everything in her power to hurt me. Hurt me so much that i would pack up my things and leave. The stuff she said were unbelievable. It was like Allah’s way of opening up her heart and mind in front of me and telling me to judge and make a decision. 

All i did was apologize and i hugged her, said nothing back and went my room.

The next day my dad called he said i’ll leave but i’m concerned of your safety so please keep your passport with you. I said ok. I asked my husband he said he can’t give me that, I asked him why he said because your dad threatened me and he said he has options and he will end the marriage so i cant trust you with my visa. I’ll cancel your visa and then hand over your passport. My dad didn’t threaten him, he told my dad that he will end the marriage if he takes me away so my dad said I will end it first. He’s twice our age and he’s sick, any elderly person whose concerned for his daughter’s safety would’ve behaved in the same manner if the SIL was being this egoistic weirdo. 

I asked him to just hand it over to me for 10-15 minutes just so i can assure my dad i have it and he can then keep it. I don’t want it. He said no. His insecurities started to flare up again i could tell. My dad was adamant on getting me passport. His mom and brother came on the last day. They acted as if they’ve done or said nothing to me and it’s been all my fault. My dad took the passport and told him he’ll take me since he cancelled my visa. He said fine. I went home to pick up my stuff and he told me not to go again. He knew what was happening but he couldn’t stop it now. It was done. 

it was all a series of unfortunate events one after the other after the other and my say in this was minimal. I would control my parents and then i would come back and deal with him. I kept reconciling on both ends but it just did not add up.

I left and i stayed with my family. He told me to come in 10 days or this marriage is over. I tried to tell him what has happened up till now. The marriage will not work unless he doesn’t trust me. I was scared of going back because he’s this insecure person who can build whatever scenario in his head and begin to question my integrity. He said if i had that problem i wouldn’t have told you to found work and to me it made sense. I told him i’ll come home it’s fine. 

From there it was down hill: 

Up to this point my family observed:

These people have zero sense of respect for anyone

My health is a huge question mark since the eldest DIL could not even get a surgery done because the doctor told her she’ll get an anaesthesia and her husband said “iskay saath phir doctor pata nahi kia kar de so ask her dad” they called her dad and scared him and said “put it in writing that if anything happens to her we are not responsible” the poor guy didn’t say anything and that woman never got a surgery done. 

I wonder what they’ would’ve done with me. Eldest DIL was my husband’s first cousin.

I was not allowed to even pick my parents up from the airport because he said it is not the right protocol

My parents were served with left over food no one waited for them for lunch and i begged my husband to please at least pick them up from the hotel he went but acted like a complete asshole with my dad, mom and brother.

I still was not trusted with my own passport and a key

His own neighbors told us they are crazy, there were no relatives from his side at the wedding, his own relative told us to leave they wont change and it’ll only get worse. The relatives who did show up only had negative reviews

I cant even begin to explain how they behaved at the wedding. They were a total of 20 people who came and his mom, brother and himself were so full of themselves and all they did was misbehave. The overall vibe everyone got from them was so negative that each and every person in the hall was questioning and talking about how we’ve made a mistake. 

I still gave him benefit of doubt and told him i’ll come home just speak to my mamoo because my mom and dad aren’t on board with this decision so i want some elder on my side since your elders aren’t coming forward. i want some support if shit doesn’t work.  He said ok. He spoke to him and my mamoo told me he’ has severe insecurities and he isn’t a positive person however if you still want to go back thats your decision and personally he said you wont last for more than a few more months with this guy because he doesn’t see the bigger picture he just jumps from point A to B to C. I was hurt after listening to his review too i was hoping he would give some assurance he would’ve seen something positive that we didn’t see but i said i’ll give him another chance. I told him i’ll come. He said come next week i said fine. That weekend i went to a a place which is 2-3 hours drive with my brother. It was long weekend and he thought i needed to get out because all i did was fight and argue on the phone with him but i didn’t tell him because of the drama of fighting back and forth. Being away i told him everything i felt, all the times i was hurt, all the things i heard his mom talk trash and i wanted him to vent to so we can get it all on the table. Since he had some mental issue he never admitted a single mistake he did he justified everything! blaming me for everything i’ve done, for leaving and not coming in 10 days. He was hung up on the smallest of things but he couldn’t still address the two reasons of not trusting me and I couldn’t understand his reasons. My family kept telling me to not fall for it. It’s all a cover up to control you in the future. What if he accuses you of something later in life and throws you out of the house? What if his mom comes up with some bullshit scenario and feeds garbage in his head and he agrees with her and treats you even worse than now? He had no backbone to stand up for me and i could see it clearly! I was said a lot of shit and he just stood there or sat there like a victim as if i was the one to be blamed.  Anyhow, i said i’ll come the only thing i said was let’s spend time alone. Let’s meet somewhere and let’s be alone so we can move past our differences and go home he said no he has work and i have to come back the way i left. After finding out i went away on the weekend with my brother. He took a mini vacation of his own and went to Spain just a way to retaliate? or make me jealous? i’m not sure what it was. I didn’t mind. I knew we were both going through a lot. I told him he could’ve taken me. I started to move to a healthy normal medium, i spoke to him and started to talk about a family. What he thinks of the future. since the past and present were extremely dark i thought maybe we could talk that out and build some connection. I said we might need to get a bigger place when the kid comes in and we’ll build a nursery and we’ll have to move out. He grabbed the word “move out” and maybe told his mom. He said he’ll come down to take me home since he has time off now I was happy. I said sure! During that time everyone around me was falling sick and i don’t fever and flu but much worse. My mom got sick and brother got sick. I told him how about i visit my mom (since i’m in a different country with my brothers) and when you come i’ll come back. He said no! stay there i don’t care if your mom is sick. I said ok. I didn’t speak to him for two days because how he showed no interest in my mom’s sickness. He called me after two days telling me he has cancelled the plan to come see me and spend time with me since i told him to “move out” i said when did i say that? he said you told me that and it is not up for discussion i said it was because we were planning the future. He said no and things spiralled so badly out of control. I begged him and cried and pleaded and did everything for 10-15 days to just come see me to be with me for a few days he said no come home like you went and tell your dad to call my mom and apologize and give her assurance that you wont leave like this or this marriage is over.  I said but my dad didn’t do anything? He said no. I spoke to my parents and they’ve had it with him. I did all i could and finally called my dad today and told him he’s sending divorce notice soon. My dad said fine.  After 3 months of hell and seeing only 5% of improvement in this entire case. I can’t tell where i went wrong. What the hell happened? I knew from the day i signed the nikkah that it was not going to work, like deep down in my heart i kept ignoring that feeling. On the wedding day everyone knew it wont work but i kept pushing! I fought, I’ve cried, Ive begged and I’ve done everything and i feel he has to. He did all he could do but he couldn’t give in to his own mental pressure to his own principles and rules that he has designed for himself. he couldn’t break his own barriers, the barriers we as a family could not understand and he couldn’t understand that his mom does not want the best for him. This entire marriage has ended but his mom did not come forward to reconcile even once to tell my parents it’ll be ok just send your daughter. She only told him to end it and she stood next to him literally dictating what to say when he called my dad.  I feel bad for myself for ignoring my gut, for giving someone a chance who i could see will never be enough for me not because of the way they lived or his mom but because of mental compatibility. I believe elders need to be respected his respect was restricted to his mom and brother. I believe in emotions and being in love he believed love and trust is built over time. I believe everything can be fixed if two people could emotionally connect and trust he believed it was all a deal and i would blackmail him in the future in some way? I asked him how and he said you will use your passport as a weapon against me and you will blackmail me. He also told me I only came to work on his visa and when i didn’t find work I created noise and left. My agenda was to find work and then blackmail him to move out? his insecure head builds up such weird scenarios and those scenarios were not his they were his mom’s  and the sad part was he fell for them? he believed them? and he ended this! I’m a foreign passport holder why would i ever want to work on someone’s visa when i could travel anywhere in the world and work anywhere? Each time he opened his mouth to give a justification for his action it was a red flag on top of a red flag. I used to think WHAT? Why is he thinking this way? How can someone be this insecure? All this time i’ve done istikhara. I’ve prayed a lot and so has my mom. The more we prayed and asked Allah for a sign the more situation got out of control! I remember praying tahajud and just asking Allah to end this if it’ isn’t the right decision for me and two days later he called and he was a different person. It was like Allah’s telling me “here’s your sign! do you see it now?” it was like his brain has been hypnotized by someone and he has forgot to think! Or maybe that was the real him before it was someone else. He was not a bad person he just wasn’t taught respect and value of a “marriage” how to treat a woman? for him and his mom everything revolved around their “respect” even if that included suffocating someone or treating someone like shit.  I always used to think there’s a reason for everyone’s behaviour so i always give people benefit of doubt hoping i could understand their psychology and why they behave the way they behave but with him i failed! and just one negative event after another and i could not tell or understand what was happening around me and it all kept crumbling down.  His family was so keen on taking calculated risks and i on the other hand was willing to give it all only at the cost of being trusted alone to get air when i’m dying...