#you're welcome :))

[arthropooda]

[bridoesotherjunk]

An informative image for all your wife loving needs.

[hawkinsindiana]

#i love a man covered in blood

[revretch]

Mantises love bananas. They also love honey, so I'd assumed that was just because they like the sugar boost. But then I got to thinking...

When wasps and bees are angry, they actually make a smell like bananas (to the point that smelling bananas will make them angry). And a wasp or bee getting eaten by a mantis probably isn't happy. On top of that, a ripe enough banana has a color and consistency not unlike the muscle and haemolymph inside an insect. So...

You're givin' 'em waspfruit.

[cullendrawss]

Old Habits

(but he still has to do all the housework)

[sweetoothgirl]

reblog to have your blog smell like freshly baked cinnamon rolls 😊

[nights-at-crystarium]

[all-hail-the-witcher]

the absolute best quotes from bdylanhollis's vintage baking tiktoks

• "thought this was a joke. turns out im the joke."

• "you can use a mixer, i just do this to feel something"

• "fold in sauerkraut carefully. or what? im going to ruin your disaster?"

• "can a cake be tried for treason?"

• "either chocolate fixes everything or this is alchemy"

• *disgusted chewing noises* "DEMON BABY!!!"

• "before pumpkin pie became king people ate this....now they're dead."

• "combine all ingredients except for pie shell. were you rEALLY WORRIED I WAS GOING TO PUT A F U L L Y C O N S T R U C T E D PIE SHELL INTO THIS?"

• "im a fool, not an idiot."

• "its like reading directions to purgatory"

• "now we have carbonated mayonnaise lime water"

• "MARSHMALLOWS!! with the m a y o??"

• "chop up your dehydrated cow"

• "it tastes like it's insulting me"

• "and its not just a little bit. no. its a severe unauthorized CUP of mayonnaise."

• "honey you cant dilute a war crime"

• "you know its horrible now but i hope it turns out okay. like children."

• *beans boiling over in a pot* "ahhhhHH BEAN REBELLION!!"

• "eggie!! how many? i don't know. it just says EGGS."

• "did you just kill my blender?" *broken blender noises* "hello?" *insane maniacal laughter* "this is personal now. you swung first!!"

• "why are you good? yOU HAVE A BAG OF BEANS IN YOU!!"

• "one of the many questionable substances people experimented with in the 70s...pistachio pudding."

• "smells like a palm springs retirement home"

• "nixon wished it was this easy."

• "this was the cold war after all. fear of communist bananas was at an all time high."

• "the 70s. sponsored by the color beige."

• "its uncomfortably appetizing"

• "meat and desserts was quite common back then. so was botulism."

• "'honey would you like earl gray or pork?' 'ill take a divorce'"

• "sweet, bitter and meaty. like my ex."

• "don't say it dylan" *2 seconds later* "CIMMANIMM!!"

• "350 for two and a half hours! i suppose any less and it might gain consciousness."

• "its a little late in the century for war crimes."

• "are you just making things up? who are you??"

• *opening a can of spam* "you know ive never been particularly religious. but today might be the day."

• "a cup of evaporated milk?! have you lost the plot?!"

• "i feel like if i do this correctly im going to invoke the spirit of richard nixon"

• "this aint food honey this is a bioweapon"

• "sir your phone number is 4 digits"

• "well i don't have sorghum because i don't have a life expectancy of twelve"

• "thats the power of pine sol baby!"

• "bake to your liking. sweetie none of this is to my liking."

• "this is what id imagine a toilet brush to taste like"

• "this is why we don't perform lobotomies anymore."

• "should be a pale white." *holds butter up to arm for comparison*

• "i bet this recipe is just all the wrong answers on a baking test."

• "smells like dentures."

• "not bad dead people"

• "its incredible. and im mad about it."

• "sift your flour three times. lady your cake has tomato soup in it, this is thE LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES!!"

• "'911 whats your emergency?' 'yeah that lady carol is at the barbecue again.'"

• "careful not to over mix. sorry im just trying to kill it."

• "now i know this is going to be awful because it calls for soured milk. not buttermilk, not milk and vinegar, no honey sOURED B A D MILK!"

• "disgusting wasnt enough for you?!"

• "call the U.N."

• "bake until done. you're a piece of work."

• *plays accordion on his kitchen floor*

• "tastes like a shower drain or a bunion"

• "this recipe was sent to me by herbert hoover feet pics. theres something for everybody"

• "are you nine inches yet?? said 14 year old me."

• "i suppose its better than eating your offspring"

• "oh betty crocker WHAT ARE YOU UP TO??"

• "you could just use canned pineapple. if you were a communist."

• "can you bake a pie with four ingredients? yes! i could also eat my mattress."

• "add three gils of water. was this written for a fish?"

• "i think this qualifies as a preexisting condition"

• "unconstitutional!"

• "its a breast implant"

• *clunking from the cabinets* "i think ive summoned something"

• "it seems to have collapsed. like the south."

• "the slogan for this cookbook is 'it's digestible'"

• "remember kids the main ingredient in pie pastry is self doubt"

• "fry in two tablespoons of crisco. on this episode of dead white people."

• "i didnt know tuberculosis had a color scheme"

• "ive baked a toilet."

• "how am i supposed to know how big your teacups are, ira?"

• "why do dead people like dates?"

• "easy does it. wouldn't want to ruin a disaster."

• "'ira honey i'm going to war.' 'over what?' 'your cooking'"

• "tastes like a boot. like a size 10 boot."

• "why just live in the great depression when you could also have chronic diarrhea"

• "it wants me to plumpen my prunes in water. well i won't be plumping my prunes in just anything. buy me dinner first."

• "it looks like a failed grave robbery"

• "walnuts aint gonna save this recipe sweetie"

• "you know its not bad it just vaguely tastes like a felony."

• "'where you goin with that tuna dylan?' 'oh you know just making jello"

• "this recipe is making me cry, not the onions"

• "are we sure this recipe wasnt written by a cat?"

• "it already looks like the great depression"

• "bake in a moderate oven. no need to get political"

•"don't tell gordon ramsey"

• "it tastes like a question mark. but a good question mark"

[disability-can-be]

MRI noises:

thOCKchk

bvvbvvbvvbvvbvvb

whhhwhhhwhhhwhwhwh

bEpBePbEpBep

vwOOOOONF

ETTETTETTETTETT

[guttersnarls]

If I am an angel, paint me with black wings - Reno 1/25/22

[transposeidon]

 Omegaverse is just xeno for cowards so in this essay i will propose some fun updates to the genre inspired by actual reproductive strategies found in nature. ; )

The Snake Model (Snodel): - Omegas are female. They have a single opening for the digestive and reproductive tracts called a cloaca. - Alphas have hemipenes aka two dicks. In nature this evolved to get sperm into both the pink and the stink (not that scientists will admit it). Pros: two (2) dicks Cons: realization that it’s been cloaca porn the whole time

The Seahorse Model: - Alphas are actually female. Their big throbbing knotty cocks can stay exactly the same but they’re actually ovipositors. - Omegas have a brood pouch. The eggs deposited can even be microscopic/semen-like if you’re squeamish. Pros: no substantive changes to popular “biology” needed; includes the phrase “brood pouch” Cons: forces confrontation with inherent misogyny of the genre

The Bluegill Sunfish Model: - Aggressive, hyper-masculine Alpha males pair off with female-mimicking omega males. - Alpha-omega pairs stake out a territory, build an inviting nest and put on sexy displays together to impress the local females. - Females who approve of a male pair deposit eggs in their nest then go back to their wives and careers. - The males fertilize and care for any eggs left in their nest. Pros: fascinating, sexy, domestic and original; female characters exist and are all lesbians Cons: none

[bisexy-legend]

in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality

[sailingthenightsea]

you’re telling me this entire siberian orchestra is trans

[jiaoliqiao]

Zhou Zishu in every episode (1-36)

+ Epilogue:

[helmud]

🚨 attention tumblr users 🚨

it's toby

[homo-sexual]