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emotionallychargedtowel · 3 months

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Hayama's mask finally slips

The opening scene of 25 ji Akasaka de really messed me up! Now I'm processing it here in writing, and you can follow along if you want. I'm mostly trying to make sense of the way Hayama's usual cool guy mask slipped in favor of some wildly disparate kinds of affect.

This and all other gifs are by @my-rose-tinted-glasses. (Thank you!)

There's one thing that struck me right away in the opening scene of episode 9 that picks up from that moment. Instead of being so overcome by strong emotions that they get past his "shell" and get expressed in spite of his repressive habits, it's apparent that at least some of the time, being overcome by strong emotions actually makes Hayama's affect (his expression of emotion in his face, voice, etc.) even lower. (For an explanation of the affect terms I'm using here, check out the first section of this post about The Eighth Sense that I wrote a while back.) I'd say that Hayama's affect is normally restricted. It's not completely absent, but when difficult things come up, it's lower than one would expect to the point of seeming inappropriate to the situation. It's really unusual outside of clinical settings to see someone with blunted affect, which is one step less expressive that restricted affect, much less flat affect, which is a total absence of it. Well, it says a lot that Hayama's affect is definitely at least blunted here.

In fact, Hayama's face freezes up repeatedly throughout the episode 9 opening scene. The first time it happens is immediately after Shirasaki asks him to sleep with him. From that point until the end of the scene, Hayama's affect has the following settings:

frozen - face completely motionless and numb, sometimes with a kind of slackness to it, often with eyes glazed over or appearing unfocused; approaching flat affect

activated - blinking, swallowing hard, eyes darting about, jaw muscles subtly going bonkers, holding back tears

obviously fake detachment - an approximation of his usual social persona--a super calm, cool guy who reacts to anything and everything with a slight smile--only really strained in a way that makes it clear (if you're actually paying attention) that he's actually hanging on by a thread

drowning his sorrows in pure horniness

Once Shirasaki propositions him, Hayama's most frequent response is numbness. After it first comes over him, he manages to recover and goes into fake detachment mode. He does his little smile and says Shirasaki is just drunk and tries to excuse himself. When Shirasaki comes after him and hugs him from behind, he gets activated enough to show emotion, seemingly because Shirasaki can't see him when they're positioned that way. He closes his eyes, takes a breath, and sets his jaw, like he's trying hard to compose himself.

He tries to shrug Shirasaki off. In the process, he turns his head to the side, seemingly about to try to return to cool guy mode and make the kind of comment you'd expect from a cool guy. But Shirasaki hugs him in the same way a second time, surprising him and causing him to pause in that position where his face is visible. His face freezes up again, seemingly because Shirasaki can see it now.

When Shirasaki asks again, Hayama turns around to face him, still frozen. He needs a moment before he can look Shirasaki in the eye. It's as if he's trying to look at Shirasaki but his eyes aren't responding. They're more glazed over than ever. When he asks, "What does that...mean?" his speech is so halting that seems like forming sentences isn't coming easily. He may even be experiencing some psychomotor slowing at this point.

But by saying this, he's still handling this situation better than he has similar ones in the past. He's being a little bit direct, at least. Shirasaki may not understand how he feels from this question but by asking it, he's at least making some space for the possibility that Shirasaki will say it's not just about acting this time.

That's when Shirasaki really fucks up. "To get into character," he says. Hayama freezes again, and his eyes go all glassy. Shirasaki continues, reminding Hayama that he said he'd help him and talking about how he's nervous about doing an intimate scene. He's appealing to Hayama's obligations to him and his desire to help and protect him.

It works, sort of. Hayama thaws out enough to say, "Is that so?' and seems to be moving toward relenting. At that point, he shows more emotion than he has in this whole exchange so far, more than he ever has when he and Shirasaki are together (and not acting). This is the most emotionally activated he gets during the scene. He blinks rapidly, his eyes dart around (a more animated version of avoiding eye contact and a sign that he's thinking rapidly), the muscles in his jaw tense up, he swallows, hard, and his voice when he says "Is that so?" has a husky edge to it. In other words, he's fighting back tears. When Shirasaki says yes, there's even more blinking and swallowing.

This is an obvious point at which this uncharacteristic display of emotion should have caught Shirasaki's attention, if he wasn't too far up his own ass to notice.

When Shirasaki drags Hayama across his apartment by the arm, swings him onto the bed, and climbs on top of him, he freezes again. Even when Shirasaki asks directly if he'll do it with him, he stays motionless and silent. Even his eyes don't move and he almost seems to have stopped blinking.

Shirasaki takes some unaccustomed initiative here. He says the same thing to Hayama that Hayama said to him in the gay bar in the first episode, only with an added "please": "If you don't like it, please let me know." Then he leans down to kiss him.

When Shirasaki pulls back and looks at Hayama after that kiss, he notices his bland expression and the fact that his eyes have remained open the entire time. He finally starts to attend to the signals Shirasaki is giving off. (It's not a coincidence that he's more observant when he's looking for signs of rejection, which he seems to expect.) But when Shirasaki sits up, starting to back away, Hayama seems to thaw out, probably out of pure desperation. He swallows hard again, blinks, then grabs Shirasaki's wrist and pulls him back toward him. When Shirasaki initiates another kiss, Hayama kisses him back this time and reaches for him with his hands. And then they're kissing, shirts are coming off, they're moving together, and the physical part of intimacy, at least, gains its own momentum. Hayama is blocking everything else out and just letting desire take over.

Until Shirasaki reaches for Hayama's belt buckle. Then Hayama seems to surprise even himself when his hand clamps onto Shirasaki's and stops him. (I have things to say about this but that'll have to wait for another post.)

Hayama's too overcome to really explain, but as soon as he says he can't continue, Shirasaki is so embarrassed that he rushes to apologize and blames his behavior on alcohol. Hayama isn't able to make eye contact with Shirasaki after that, and he leaves in a huge hurry, rushing away in such an uncharacteristic manner that it really ought to have attracted Shirasaki's attention.

Just like that moment when Hayama was choking back tears. Just like his frozen affect at other times. It was all very out of character for Hayama. It all should have caught Shirasaki's attention--if he was paying attention and not too wrapped up in his own bullshit.

Basically, after blanketing all of his emotions for nearly his entire life, Hayama found someone who touched him in an authentic way that no one else ever had and brought out a kind of vulnerability in him that he hadn't experienced since, well, probably relating to his mom as a child. And then that person was too oblivious to realize he was basically subjecting him to a form of torture by trying to pressure him into sex (let's call it what it is) while pretending it meant nothing to him. It's no wonder Hayama stopped functioning. He's probably mildly dissociating.

Shirasaki has his reasons. But like @my-rose-tinted-glasses said --after this, if Shirasaki also sneaks out of Hayama's place at the crack of dawn and just leaves him there without telling him how he feels, as it seems from the preview, he'd better run to him before the end of the finale. If he doesn't, well, I hope Komagine Kiita's half-robot tokusatsu boyfriend tracks him down and makes him pay.

Well, I'm definitely not done processing, so you might be seeing more posts about this episode.

#25 ji akasaka de #at 25:00 in akasaka #hayama asami #shirasaki yuki #hayama x shirasaki #shirasaki x hayama #komagine kiita #kiita komagine #niihara taisuke #taisuke niihara #japanese bl #bl meta #psychology of bl

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emotionallychargedtowel · 3 months

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nominating a runner for 25 ji

So, @my-rose-tinted-glasses and @lurkingshan have been talking about which lead character in 25 ji Akasaka de should, or is more likely to, do the traditional climactic run toward the beloved that we expect from a lot of Japanese BLs. Of course, even if there isn't a literal running scene, it seems certain that someone will have to take decisive action in an equivalent way in order for the story to reach a resolution. Well, given how obsessed I am with this show, it's not surprising that I have thoughts.

The answer might be a bit different depending on which we're talking about--who should, or who's the most likely. But I'll set that aside for the moment.

I don't think this necessarily tells us who ought to be the runner, but it's worth noting that the person who has initiated the vast majority of any closeness or intimacy in this relationship has been Hayama.

He starts right away, initiating a conversation with Shirasaki at the table read, touching his hair, and saying he's looking forward to playing his lover. At the bar, he puts himself forward as a potential sex partner, grabs Shirasaki's arm to stop him from leaving, kisses him, and basically makes a sex appointment with him for the following afternoon. Did he ever intend to act on that plan? It's hard to say. But either because he sees how petrified Shirasaki is when he meets him at his place, or for other reasons, he says or pretends that he only made the offer at the bar in order to keep Shirasaki from hooking up with a stranger. Then he suggests that they “date” each other instead and comes up with the idea of making a list of things their characters do in the drama and treating it like a to-do list.

And he keeps on initiating. He plans their aquarium date along with all of its couple-y activities; shows up at Shirasaki's apartment unannounced to watch the first episode of their show when it airs, invites himself to spend the night, and spoons Shirasaki in bed; invites Shirasaki to his place to make gnocchi and gives him a dough-kneading lesson that leads to suggestive hand doings, and so on, culminating in initiating their kiss scene rehearsal, which is at least as much an excuse for them to make out as it is actual scene preparation.

But how is all of this framed for Shirasaki, and what does it mean to Hayama?

Of course, the fact that they both portray their relationship as acting preparation and nothing more changes the meaning of all these actions and the wherewithal it takes to initiate them.

I do think it matters that Shirasaki was the one who brought up the idea that he needed to have firsthand experience with love and sexuality in order to relate to his character and took decisive--one might say, impulsive--action to make it happen. Hayama took his cues from that.

But it's hard to pin any blame on either of them for the miscommunication they got entangled in. Shirasaki didn't propose a pretend relationship to Hayama. His plan was to pick up a random dude at the bar. Hayama did propose the pretend relationship, but it was in response to Shirasaki's insistence that he needed to have this type of experience to prepare for his role. At first, he just took the place of some stranger as Shirasaki's hookup; when he changed the plan to the pretend dating thing, it was a step back from something that seemed to scare Shirasaki and toward a set of activities that would actually prepare him for the part in a way that picking up some rando wouldn't have done. Of course, it didn't hurt that Hayama also really wanted to do those things with Shirasaki.

We know why Shirasaki thinks it's plausible that Hayama is only doing the fake dating thing to help him with his performance.

For one thing, that's how it all started. He said he needed this experience and Hayama said he'd take on the boyfriend role. But it's also because of Shirasaki's insecurities about his overall self-worth, his legitimacy as an actor, and the difference in status between him and Hayama. In the first episode, Shirasaki thinks about costarring in a drama with Hayama and says to himself, “that person above the clouds is now next to me." That's how huge the distance between them seems to him.

Shirasaki has idealized Hayama ever since college. And then there’s this narrative he has in his mind about the difference between being scouted and having to petition to be allowed into the acting profession. It’s almost funny, actually. When Hayama was scouted as a model, Shirasaki spouted off about how it was a shame because he should continue acting. This affected Hayama deeply. But Shirasaki not only forgot about that comment, now that Hayama has managed to transition into acting, he has since rewritten history so that Hayama being scouted was an honor.

The narrative that Hayama was scouted and that means he’s special while Shirasaki had to beg to be allowed in because he’s less worthy is a really tempting one. Insecurities can be very persuasive under the best of circumstances, and Shirasaki’s circumstances aren’t the best. He has tried for years to break into the business with little success. So he had lots of time to ruminate on this narrative of the chosen and the not-chosen.

So for Shirasaki, it’s fairly simple. He always looked up to Hayama and thought he was special in a way he didn’t see in himself. Then he spent years watching his success from afar and idealizing him even further. Of course it’s hard for him to believe that he could really be with Hayama.

That part of the story uses one of the most common tropes in BL: the "someone as great as this person could never like me back" thing. It's a tried-and-true story element for a reason. It's something that happens a lot in real life (well, it has happened to me quite a few times, at least), so it's very relatable. And in my experience, it's particularly prone to happening to queer folks for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it gets stretched to ridiculous extremes in BL, and it gets annoying. But it's developed with care in this series and feels realistic and earned.

The portrayal of this dynamic also has some nuance and balance because despite all this, Shirasaki actually does come close to realizing Hayama likes him back.

He shows real insight when he notices signs of this, and he shows tenacity when he persists in having hope even after he hears the rumor about Hayama having an old flame he was still hung up on. It's only after overhearing Hayama himself say explicitly that he still has feelings for that person that he gives up hope, not realizing the person Hayama is talking about is himself. This misunderstanding isn't a cheap ploy, as @ginnymoonbeam has pointed out. Enough care has been taken with the story to make it really make sense.

This is where it’s also worth noting that while episode 7 was focused on showing us another side of Hayama, it also gave us some new insights into Shirasaki’s character. It didn’t tell us anything completely novel, but it made a point of explicitly mentioning and more thoroughly illustrating Shirasaki’s uncompromising, frank side. We’d already seen it in action. For example, take his rather abrupt (but salient) comment to Sakama back in the first episode about how “creating is always difficult" for actors, no matter what the details are of a given production or role. Or his stubborn insistence on repetitively calling Yamase “Yamase-kun” and not “Kazuma” (his given name) as he requested. But personally, this aspect of him only partially registered for me until episode 7 highlighted it from Hayama’s perspective. And I think it’s a part of his personality that matters here.

Shirasaki is very insecure, and he gets down on himself easily. But in some ways, he’s also very confident. There’s a kind of confidence in being opinionated, a belief that you’re competent enough to trust your own perceptions and judgment and stand by them. It's similar to the tenacity he shows when he continues to believe Hayama may return his feelings (at least, at first).

Basically, Shirasaki’s insecurities are hampering him, but he seems to have more of the kind of mental resources that would help someone speak up and take action in a situation like this.

What about Hayama? What’s been holding him back?

At first glance, it seems like he simply doesn’t think Shirasaki likes him back, thinks this is all just about acting for Shirasaki, and assumes it has to be temporary. And that’s not wrong. He thinks all these things. But there’s an additional layer here that was revealed in episode 7, Hayama's big flashback episode.

Hayama learned from his mother as a child that he would only be valued by the people he loves 1) for his appearance and 2) if he doesn’t inconvenience them with his emotions, which are by definition unwanted. According to the schemas he formed during his childhood, even expressions of love and happiness are unwelcome, as illustrated by his destroying the box of little gifts for his mom and her reminder not to show his teeth when he smiles.

It’s no wonder that the idea that Shirasaki only wants to be close to him for the purpose of acting makes sense to Hayama. To put it simply, he expects people to be interested in his outsides, but not his insides. He expects his love to be rejected but his calm, cool, seemingly self-possessed prettiness to be valued. He learned from his mother that letting on that he wants things from another person not only won’t get his needs met, but will inevitably lead to rejection. Even wanting to express his love for another person is unthinkable. In the system of thinking his mother taught him, his love may be a gift, but it's a very burdensome one. Like the box of paper trinkets he made for his mother as a child, it’s better to take that love, scrunch it down, and hide it away.

Because of his family-of-origin baggage, acting is a double-edged sword for Hayama. As I talked about in my last post about 25 ji, acting provides him a with the opportunity to express emotions that he was forbidden to express in his family growing up, emotions he has largely lost the ability to express at all. (Often, he can’t even consciously feel those feelings anymore). Acting not only provides an outlet for emotional expression, it even provides him with a script to follow so that he isn't hampered by his inability to get in touch with his own feelings. In this way, acting is a precious opportunity to get in touch with parts of himself that had almost been completely lost to him. It’s a way of making up for what his mother took away from him.

But there’s another side to Hayama's acting career and the validation he's received for it: it actually reinforces a lot of that family-of-origin stuff. When he receives praise for his acting, he’s being praised for something external. No matter how well he does his job, no matter how expressive he is or how authentic his emotions appear in a performance, at the end of the day he’s pretending, because that’s the nature of acting. He’s being validated for his surface again. For his shell, not what’s under it.

For Hayama, the idea that Shirasaki only wants him for a pretend relationship makes perfect sense. People he loves don’t want him to express that to them. They’ll find it burdensome, repulsive, or at best, irrelevant. They want him to perform and be pretty. They want the pretend version of him at all times.

I think it’s also notable that Hayama tells the story of their fake relationship and his growing feelings as if he was barely in control of his actions. “The next thing I knew, I was running. The next thing I knew, I was kissing you.” He’s too spun around by everything to be calculating or even rational. He is taking action, sometimes before he’s even really aware of it. His impassive exterior makes it seem as if he must have some kind of purpose behind his actions, but that's just the mask he wears because of his family-of-origin stuff. There's no master plan, just someone so out of touch with their emotions that they can't predict their own impulses.

So who should run?

This could be a question of who deserves to run--who hasn't, in a sense, pulled their weight so far in this quasi-relationship, or who has done the most damage (that would arguably be Shirasaki, who ended their fake relationship, but of course, he had no idea this would hurt Hayama and actually thought he was sparing him a lot of inconvenience).

My philosophy when it comes to this is pretty well summed up by that famous Karl Marx quote: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs." If one or both of these characters has the ability to close the gap between them, wholly or partially, it would behoove them to do it whether or not the other one has done enough by whatever standard we might apply. In other words, the "who should run" question is (in my view) best framed as a question of who is best equipped to do something to fix things.

Each of the lead characters has something potentially useful that has come more naturally to them so far. Hayama is better at making things happen. This is largely due to the impulsiveness I was just describing. So far, he has only acted in this way when he has some kind of cover story he can hide behind to explain what he's doing. But I wonder if that will continue to be the case for long. Shirasaki, on the other hand, is better at believing in himself and the possibility that the person he fell for might feel the same way. This hasn’t translated to actually taking action much so far. But again, it’s about time for that to change. If they can only get activated somehow, his determination and conviction could be exactly what they need to bridge the gap between them. I’m hopeful they'll both manage to make use of these advantages before it's too late.

I’ll tell you one thing I know for sure. It’s not a coincidence that there’s a shot in the preview that echoes the episode 6 breakup scene, in which a glass door closed between Shirasaki and Hayama.

Of course, that scene was shown again from a different angle in episode 7 and that time, viewers could see Hayama’s devastated expression for the first time. This shot in the preview is from a similar angle, showing both Shirasaki’s and Hayama’s faces. But this time, Hayama is right behind Shirasaki and he grabs the handle of the door to stop him from leaving. (Sorry for all the type and stuff on the image here, it's a screenshot from the show's IG.)

I ended up having a lot of thoughts that came up around this question, but I don't really have an answer. It'll depend on the circumstances, I think. It would be best if they both made an effort to meet in the middle. And really, isn't that what usually happens when there's a classic JBL run? In the cases I've seen, there was always a confession by one character that went wrong in some way, then after some time, the other person reciprocated by running to them. Neither one of these characters has directly said that they have feelings for the other person beyond their acting roles. So maybe what we're in for, what's needed to resolve this story, is a two-step process. Whoever manages to make the first step, the other will need to make the second. If the glass door image is what it looks like, maybe Hayama will make the first step in the next episode.

#25 ji akasaka de #at 25:00 in akasaka #komagine kiita #niihara taisuke #hayama x shirasaki #hayama asami #shirasaki yuki #BL meta

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