Well everyone, I performed my first ever cetacean ultrasound today!
My “patient” is in excellent health, and this session was meant merely as practice both for me and for her—ensuring she remains comfortable holding still for scans. Because whales and dolphins are too big for manual palpation or x-rays, ultrasound is how veterinarians visualize their internal organs and ensure they remain healthy. Cetaceans in human care routinely receive ultrasound scans to monitor their health, even if they are not ill or pregnant.
And it’s a great example of cooperative care! Unlike dogs and cats, which have to be sedated or manually restrained by humans in order to get diagnostic ultrasound images, cetaceans in human care are trained to float in place while the veterinarian places the ultrasound probe on them. They are free to leave the session at any time. And there’s no need for ultrasound gel, because the water acts in its place!
(Photo not of me… published by Georgia Aquarium when their beluga Whisper was pregnant with her calf Shila)
All in all, a great end to my externship!
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Why Life is a Tragedy
[ Plain text: Why Life is a Tragedy ]
My daily routine is usually very empty. Most days it goes like this:
My mother brings me my breakfast at 8. That consists of yogurt with berries and granola, protein shake, and a cup of strawberry milk (a small cup, so I don’t upset my stomach).
She says good morning and helps me rearrange myself if I’m awake. If I’m not, she goes to her office across the hall.
I take about 15 minutes to actually work up the energy to eat and take my meds. I play Wordle while I wait.
If I feel up to it, I go to the bathroom, change my diaper, use hand sanitizer, and wash my face. Some days I may brush my teeth with a toothbrush and water. Those are rare days.
After I finish, I stay in my bathroom chair for 5-10 minutes while I work up the energy to get back to bed.
When I do get back to bed, I decide what activities I will do that day.
If I feel up to it, I set up my activities around my legs so that I can do it when I’m ready. If I don’t, I ask mama if she can set up when she gets the chance.
I play on my phone and socialize on Tumblr and Discord. I try to do my activity.
I do that until lunch. Taking breaks every 5-30 minutes depending on the activity.
Lunch is around 12. It has been hard boiled egg whites, cucumber slices, and a small cheese recently. Soon it may change to a prepackaged lunch with crackers, ham, cheese, and mini cookies. I get another (small) cup of something other than water.
After I eat, I decide what activity I will do for the rest of the day and try to set it up. I usually do not succeed and need mama to come help.
I play on my phone and socialize on Tumblr and Discord. I try to do my activity.
I do that until mama finishes work. She comes in to take my dirty dishes and she asks what I want for dinner. I want pasta please. She goes to make pasta.
I continue my activity.
She brings me my pasta and another (small) cup of something other than water.
I eat.
I do not do an activity. I may watch TV. I play on my phone and socialize on Tumblr and Discord.
At 8:00 mama comes to help me to the bathroom. After I finish, she comes in to help me wash my hands, wash my face, brush my teeth, and put on my Testosterone gel. We talk the whole time.
I go to bed. Mama helps get me situated. She helps me take my meds.
After mama closes the curtain, I play on my phone until around 10.
I go to sleep.
On weekends my days are different. Mama has to help me shower at least once (usually Sunday). That takes about 1-2 hours total. I need a lot of help.
Some days I have doctor appointments. I take around 45 minutes to get ready. It usually takes 15 minutes to get to the office. The appointments usually last an hour, not including wait time. After I get home, I lay in bed for the rest of the day and do not use the bathroom that night (I am too tired).
I cannot leave the house most days. There are many days I can barely leave my bed. Some days I cannot leave my bed at all. My usual pain level is at minimum a 6. I cannot speak, only make funny sounds. I require at least 2 forearm crutches to walk safely. I usually need a wheelchair to move. I cannot leave the house without my ear defenders on. I take a fully packed backpack everywhere I go. I need support to sit up and to stay sitting.
My hobbies include coloring, playing video games, making disability aid designs, writing, reading, and baking. My favorite animal is a Triceratops, though I only like the cartoonish designs. I like fluffy animals. I love Bluey. I enjoy learning about disability related topics. I read children’s novels because they are what I understand. I love going to the zoo. I love going to the library. I enjoy warm weather with light wind. I enjoy dressing up and doing makeup. I love ice cream cake. On days with nice weather and good health, I like to go outside and just sit.
I have 2 stuffed animals that I take everywhere (Jameson and Gerald). I have 1 that I take lots of places (Fred). I have 2 that usually stay on my bed, but travel if I’ll be gone for a while (Kougie and Melon). My favorite colors are yellow, pink, and green (no particular order). I use a light Bluey blanket, a light dino blanket, and a weighted blanket every night. I use at least Little Pillow every night (it has smiley faces). I have a cat shaped pillow for my neck.
Did you decide if my life is worth living? Do you need more information? Do you think I’m tragic? Do you need to give your sympathy to my carer as if I don’t exist? Do you know my sense of humor? Do you know why I am loved? Do you know my limits? Do you know what I am capable of? Do you know what brings me joy? Do you know if I’m a person? Do you know my identity? Do you know who I am?
Do you know if I am happy?
Do you care?
This inspired by Unspeakable Conversations by Harriet McBride Johnson
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contains: poly!ateez x gn!reader, soft ateez taking care of u, non-verbal and self-isolating reader, implied depressed/chronically ill reader
you: babies i think it’s better if you don’t come over tonight
joong: Everything ok?
minmin: but im hungry and u said u’d make dinner :(
woo: WE’RE HUNGRY!!! OM NOM NOM
you: just not feeling it tonight. sorry
You shut your phone off with guilt weighing in your heart. You had promised your boys a nice home-made dinner after a hard week full of non-stop practicing. You knew they’d been looking forward to it the entire week, the stress-free time they’d get to spend with you, but, there’s a pit in your stomach that’s been growing the past week and now it’s big enough to stop you from doing anything else but wallow in your thoughts. Now the guilt just adds to it.
There’s times when you don’t have energy for anything. Not even for your favorite people on Earth and it’s simply your body’s fault. At least you try to tell yourself that.
There’s no response to your last message and you sent it an hour ago. Usually you’d be suspicious about the lack of whining and bickering, but you’re just too tired to worry as fatigue fogs your senses. You’re set for a night of self-pity when your front door unlocks, myriads of voices barging in and breaking the calm of your apartment. You already feel a headache coming on as Wooyoung, like usual, argues about whatever hill he’s chosen to die on.
You want to get up to greet them, but somethings stopping you. The pit in your stomach almost weighs you down, your limbs too heavy to move now. You sigh and surrender to your body’s fatigue.
Seonghwa watches you with a sad look on his face. He knows all the tell-tale signs of your sad ruts by now, the most obvious of all being when you go out of your way to isolate yourself. It hurts him because he wants to help you, but he‘s not quite sure how to do it right with you.
“Sweet thing,” he coos quietly and lays a gentle hand atop yours, “how do you feel?”
His attention turns a switch on in you, feeling yourself melt against his soft touch and caring voice. You shrug, feeling a loss of words. You don’t really have any to describe how you feel. Or rather, there’s a boulder in your throat stopping you from even attempting to say anything.
Hongjoong and San walk over, the latter immediately scooping you up into his arms despite Seonghwa’s protests. Hongjoong leans over the back of the couch, carding his fingers through your hair and tutting at the state you’re in.
“You’re not getting rid of us that easy, you know,” he mumbles.
San looks right at you even if you won’t meet his eyes, trying his best to communicate the worry he has because he knows words don’t work with you when you’re like this. Seonghwa flicks San’s forehead, pulling a loud noise of protest out of him, “Aren’t you supposed to be helping in the kitchen?”
San responds by pulling you tightly against him and closing his eyes in bliss. Seonghwa grumbles something about disrespect, but walks away to help in the kitchen himself. It’s starting to feel a little warm with San’s irresistible need to touch you and Hongjoong’s eyes not once leaving your form. It gets unbearably hot when you feel Mingi’s lips against the crown of your head, Wooyoung doing the same and immediately jumping into gently scolding you for pushing them away.
Hongjoong wants to agree but he knows it’s not what you need right now. He shushes Wooyoung, “Did you take your meds yet?”
You shake your head. Yunho walks up to you, bending down to hand you your medicine with a kind smile on his face. He takes your hand in his when you swallow your pills, kissing each of your knuckles gently, as if he fears scaring you away.
“Here.” Yeosang passes you a glass of water. There’s eight pairs of eyes on you and you can feel each one. It’s like they’re watching a zoo animal on display and you’d laugh at the thought in any other circumstance.
Jongho stands across you, intently staring you down, “You know you can’t just expect us to leave you alone, right?”
San pulls your head into his chest and throws protective arms over you as if you’re a kid getting a scolding, “Don’t be mean.”
Jongho is about to retort before Seonghwa stops him, “Ok! Ok, what Jongho means,” he kneels down next to Yunho with a gentle expression aimed at you, “Is that we want to help you, sweetheart. And it’s hard to do that when you don’t allow us to,”
Yeosang scratches at his neck as he finds the words, “We know it’s hard for you to do that, but…”
Hongjoong continues for him, “We’re just asking that you try at least. Okay?”
You hesitantly nod into San’s chest and you feel him let out a sigh of relief. Wooyoung speaks up from behind you, “You’re hogging ‘em, Sannie,”
He shakes his head violently and hugs you tighter, “No ‘m not.”
Mingi grimaces, “You totally are.”
It’s all-out war again and your body shakes between theirs as each one tries to take you for themselves. San’s still got a good grip on you as Yunho, Seonghwa, and Jongho fight to pull him off of you. Wooyoung and Mingi stand back and argue with San, really the only thing they’re good for. Hongjoong and Yeosang grimace and watch the events unfold, only waiting to step in if they notice you get overwhelmed.
But you don’t. You feel warm and loved and happy, and there’s a bubble of laughter forming in your throat and surpassing the boulder that was stuck in you before. You’ll take it one step at a time, and they’ll take that step with you.
bom note: this is for the gays with chronic fear of being emotionally vulnerable. i tried to make readers issues as vague as possible for u. Also realistically i would not want 8 men all up in my space when im in one of these moods but it’s fantasy ok shhh
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