taletoldbyanidiot

[taletoldbyanidiot]

Not my usual post, apologies for my long absence.

I don't know what I'm looking for - advice or encouragement? a space to vent? - but I need a space to speak about this and depression/social anxiety is all over tumblr. And none of my friends are here to read this.

I am very secure & confident in my career, but in social situations it's the exact opposite. Since my divorce 4 years ago, I have tried branching out in my hobbies, trying to establish "my space." First I tried joining an RPG group outside my friend group, to see if I really enjoyed it and could be more independent and speak up. I did ... for a while. Gradually my friends joined and it eventually began to feel like an Obligation to go. Finally, the vibe changed and I decided that I needed to quit the game. I started a board gaming group at my FLGS, and I'm starting to have those same feelings. I no longer feel like I can speak up and make my own decisions, and I'm sick of the weekly social interaction, but I feel Obligated to keep it going because it's what's expected of me. This could be depression talking, but maybe also I just can't handle a weekly commitment socially. I take breaks, when I go on vacations, and someone else leads the group. I feel like people enjoy his nights more. I have made significant plans through September (I put a LOT of thought into my weekly game nights), so I can't step aside before that, but I'm really considering doing so afterwards. I'm terribly afraid of offending people or that they might feel the need to keep their opinions from me out of politeness, so I really feel that I can't talk about this openly.

[taletoldbyanidiot]

Today's Quote

"Dream lofty dreams and as you dream, so shall you become"

James Allen

[taletoldbyanidiot]

"And though she be but little, she is fierce."

[taletoldbyanidiot]

Kill Your Darlings How I adhere to the adage in writing— I watch my darlings die, crumpled up on trash-bound pages. They changed the poem in ways readers will never see. But without them, it finds its soul. It reaches completion. Maybe they sang to me, or painted pretty pictures, or just felt familiar, but poetry breathes and can be smothered by the lines you love. I was too— surrounded by darlings. Once-loved lines grew too long, choking the voice beneath them. I'm still crumpling up the pages, ripping hard-won words, phrases I thought I loved. But I’m finally learning to live the adage, to kill my darlings, to find my soul.

[taletoldbyanidiot]

"I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats. If it be man's work, I'll do 't."

[taletoldbyanidiot]

The only way I can have you is through my poetry. These words are what I find my comfort in.

[taletoldbyanidiot]

Impression, Sunrise I am tranquil with the lake I giggle with the leaping fish As it breaks the surface. I breathe the gentle breaths As the water laps the shore And when the sun breaks the horizon As I watch over the water Singing to the morning clouds And the song ripples across the surface I am transfixed. If I could paint this moment, Colors of my soul would cover the canvas. If I could harmonize with that song, The birds would stop to listen. If I could write an ode to peace, It would be this.

[taletoldbyanidiot]

"O! Let me not be mad, not mad, sweet heaven Keep me in temper; I would not be mad!"

[taletoldbyanidiot]

How to Speak Like a Writer stutter-mutter yourself into a hole world of nightmarish you’d never thought you’d thought and never think because once— Interruptions subjects in eternal rotations that never see the sun in black and white matters grey matters disappear into the dust to find— What was that word? wit is a paper-game don’t play with tongue-tired pens never rest “easy thoughtlessness of thought” natural in graphite— Never stop while erasers run bare pages full empty voice

[taletoldbyanidiot]

It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.

- Chuck Palahniuk

[taletoldbyanidiot]

"Before thee stands this fair Hesperides With golden fruit, but dangerous to be touched"

[taletoldbyanidiot]

Three Fates The Reality: Inevitable We'll fall together. No passion, no poetry, but a dedicated, solid love woven into a single cloth. It's convenient. The Dream: Impossible We fell together. The infernal heat of desire seared and charred our hearts, but you'll never see me like that again. The Fantasy: Inconceivable We cannot fall together. Mountains between us that are insurmountable. But when you smile, I drift away.

[taletoldbyanidiot]

"They are the books, the arts, the academes That show, contain, and nourish all the world."

[taletoldbyanidiot]

Back to Reality I want to sink into your smile. When you catch my eye, I feel like royalty. How would it change me To catch your hand in mine? To live in your world? Evenings on the beach at sunset Laughter over the spice of life Sprinkled in every meal The sweet melody of your voice Understanding that crosses cultures A comforting routine The fantasy sustains me Your someday-touch Your someday-love Our someday-life Until I look around. The mess I've built, Cobbled together from scraps Of a childhood lost In unrealized adulthood, Is the anchor that drags me back.

[taletoldbyanidiot]

"This castle hath a pleasant seat; the air Nimbly and sweetly recommends itself Unto our gentle senses."

[taletoldbyanidiot]

Evolution You and I watched as the little girl next door climbed on to the kindergarten bus today. I wonder if it is something that you might like to do; or something that I just might like to watch you do—someday. All dressed up for your very first day, I would pass you, sweet son to a stranger in the yellow. I would catch all the smiles and a quick wave tossed from the top step. I should not have to give you away. Mine completely until now— to share you seems unfair. Hug me before you leave. I don’t want to cry as you disappear through the door from my life for a day. Tomorrow I will watch all the pomp and circumstance. I give you away again, but I trust you— the keeper of your future. Still, hug me before you leave. I will cry as you disappear, but only from view, because as long as I am here, I will be with you.

[taletoldbyanidiot]

"Let me play the lion too: I will roar that I will do any man's heart good to hear me."