texasisalandlockedstate

[texasisalandlockedstate]

Resentfully

I came to the same conclusion not even a year later. I just gave him my textbooks to drop off at the bookstore. I couldn't look at him the same way I did when we first started. The resentment I had. It burned it ached. It hurt so much. This is over. We cannot be friends. We can barely be acquaintances. We seriously talked about if we could be friends with benefits. Then the next day realized how unhealthy that would be. Even though God, it would have been so nice to have that relief with someone I trust. I could fuck on this man without having to marry him is what I wrote last night. However, I know that if I had. That would not be respecting myself. As much as I wanted to, one last time. It wouldn't be right, I would leave thinking. God, I want you. I want you for the rest of my life. I want you to be mine. I don't want to share you with anyone else. I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to leave.

We were two children in big bodies. I didn't do what I needed to do. So I sought attention from someone else who would give me that attention. We held each other lovingly. We stared each other in the eyes and promised that this is for the best. We're right. There is no right answer. There is only what is. What is that he didn't respect me. The reason is that I didn't respect myself. Today I made the right choice. As much as I wanted to. I didn't sleep with him. Even though every part of me wanted to. I needed to not do it. We can not be friends. We can not have a future together. We can not be together. We are cats and dogs. We are both hard-headed. Bumping heads with someone constantly, the wrong person for me. We cannot be together. I never gave him a second chance, like I said I would. He would not accept responsibility for what he said that had hurt me. He just is understanding. I hope my next partner is as understanding as him. Loves me the way I want to be loved. Out loud. Not shy about it. In competition that I would like to lose, I'm tired of loving so hard that it burns me out. I was not happy in that relationship. I was just not alone anymore. We were too similar, that's maybe why we got along. I couldn't get over the fact that he was still talking to the girl he met in between our relationship when I fell asleep. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't forgive him for it. No matter how much I want to. We will not change for each other. When he told me he still looked at me and saw a wife. I can not say I saw the same for him. I was this close to heaven. I sabotaged myself because I felt like I deserved it. I don't. I don't deserve to be alone. I don't deserve to rot in bed. I don't deserve to die. I don't deserve to feel alone in a relationship. I don't deserve to feel like I'm always chasing and never being chased. I can never falter again. I can never just treat someone the way I want to be treated and expect to be treated the same. I can never do that to myself again. My money is my money, and their money is also my money. I expect to be maintained in a healthy way with someone who wants to do the work with me.

Desperately

the idea of romantic love is so appealing to me, I never admitted it, but as a child its all that my bouts of escapism would be about. I wanted so desperately to be in a romantic love that I forced it when I felt lust for someone. Still I wanted it so bad that it turned into a romanitic relationship. It left a mark on me. All my pursuits ther after have ended the same. except the opposite another party falling for an ideal of me. Then me trying to fall in love with some ideal I made on the spot on them. As soon as I got to know them. I fell out of love so hard. ah its so tough. but I want it. although if tv has taught me anything. Its not something you chase after. its something that just comes

[texasisalandlockedstate]

SO much about doing well is just not even giving your brain the time to sabotage you. Like deciding to just get started on a task before your brain could conjure up thoughts like “but there’s always tomorrow” “ruminate on this pointless thing instead” like sometimes you genuinely just have to put pen to paper and do

[texasisalandlockedstate]

i find the whole "i had unpleasant experiences with leftists before so now im a raging fascist" narrative incredibly funny because we have all had unpleasant experiences with leftists before. it comes free with being a leftist

[texasisalandlockedstate]

bwaaaa I'm doing programming crimes again

(this is from a small project that is heavily inspired by axum, but don't worry it won't go anywhere I realised there are better approaches)

[texasisalandlockedstate]

Done being depressed and making myself the victim I'm gonna hold myself to a higher standard and set boundaries a lot harder these year around I'm furious and that fuels my life, so I want to use to better understand the programming fundamentals! Does anyone have any advice on where to strengthen my skills I just feel like mine are really weak I'm willing to join a discord if needed!

[texasisalandlockedstate]

Endlessly

well, I didn't get professional help, for those mental issues, and as a consequence, they got in the way of my intimate relationship. It ended. 2 months away from the 2 year anniversary. I'm sad to say I'm glad it did.

Although, it's true that he was kind, patient and sweet.

He was also impulsive, thoughtless, and disappointing. At the end there.

I could lie and say the rest of that first year went off without a hitch. I could say that everyday still felt like electricity and we were each other's rock's. To an extent we were. To a deeper extent, we were grasping at straw and making each other try to a fit that doesn't pertain to either of us.

I did meet his parents individually, his mom didn't like me, which I had a feeling would be the case. She was a lot like me, and alcoholic, lead by the emotions and trauma which shook her and caused her to lash out to small reactions. His father was actually mostly soft-spoken, he had previously had a stroke and was happy in his quiet slow life with his new wife. His father had asked him if he was planning on marrying me. My partner had let me know that the conversation went good.

Than he moved. We were an hour a part now and my car broke down when I had tried to go back home. Thankfully, he was there with me and I was able to get it towed for free back home.

Somewhere in between that, I had to get a new car on my own, my grandfather died, and I cried a lot about how I felt like he wasn't putting forth the effort he used to in that first year that we were together.

Even at that new apartment, he noted that he wondered if he was single how he would fare in this new market. I tried not to take it personally.

The rest of the evening went okay. We were okay at this new apartment, but I physically couldn't dedicate as much as I had when he lived only 20 minutes away. That' s when the physical distance started to become emotional. We spent the day before my birthday together and that was the first night since he had moved that that passion had ignited again. That was also the last night. I almost can't even call it passion since we were both inebriated.

It become fight after endless fight that would last hours. The criticism of each other's personalities. The uncertainty of weather or not I'd be stable enough to have children at all. All the time I had now put myself to spend with nephew and nieces and young cousins to figure out if I wanted children. Only to come to the horrifying and disappointing realization that this partner wasn't even sure if he wanted to only be with me from here on out.

That he felt trapped.

A huge fight,

he said " let's take break" after I asked if we should even be together and maybe instead we should just talk.

We did.

I went home and I felt a lot more confident in my body again. I missed him a ton. I broke no contact first. he insisted we "do this right"

he told anyone and everyone who would listen about out situation, the advice was the same for me, break up with her.

For some reason one person's reaction was to kiss him. and he enjoyed it and kissed back. Then walked away disgusted with himself.

he told me a full day after. that he felt guilty but it felt good. I was heartbroken but I came to the realization beforehand as well. I don't want to marry a man that feels trapped being with me.

We went on one last date, where he talked on the phone with another girl, that he later admitted he had already developed feelings for as well. I changed clothes in the later half last date, he became interested in me sexually, but I told him I didn't want to do that unless he wants to work on the relationship again.

He didn't

We went on the date. he was interested in me while dressed different and I admitted I honestly did wish I could have kids. He told me he wish he had been more thoughtful and considerate of me. It's so sad how you become everything the person's wanted at the end.

It's still true but I know it's also conditional on who I meet, I let him go, because I loved him. I just want him to be happy.

We danced together outside to nothing because it was fun, and I wished in that moment he could have been my husband.

The days didn't end there. We parted ways and were no longer a couple anymore.

We're both idiots though. We still treated each other like a couple in all the mannerism except of course the kissing and sex. So much so that an acquaintance asked me how long we had been dating.

I thought we could still be friends, because while we were in the relationship. He had told me, he would want me to be happy even if it is without me. Then this week after so many weird moments of confessing I had a crush on another person, and then proceeding to also respond I love you after he said it first and groping him. We had half-spoken about getting back together.

After some research, I found that that was the unhealthiest thing I could do.

So I told him he had to get comfortable with either accepting that I meant it when I said we can never do any of the couple actions again once we were over, or he would have to get comfortable with never speaking with me again.

Every interaction one-on-one that I hold from there- on has been a test on my boundaries. He listened to me and didn't continue to pursue the girl he had contacted on our last date. That they remained okay friends after the fact and my heart dropped a bit knowing that that meant there could be a good chance of them actually falling in love after that fact.

Now every time I explain this to my friends , they give me my flowers and say that I'm doing better.

I'm not sure that I am, because the truth is, on my own I scream that I could have just taken all the bad part of him too if it meant that I could still love him.

He'll always hold a special place in my heart. As someone who showed my that I am capable of loving and being loved.

I just wish it would have been slower, again. I was right.

Again, I hate that I was right, and I hate that he continues to disappoint me.

But I'll live. I just need to work on myself, so I can recognize when people hurt me and I step away from it, when it continues without change.

I hope I never hurt someone I love the ways the way I hurt him again too, but I have to come to terms with it will always be a little painful to love me. But the difference will be. Someone who will listen when I say I need space, and know that the pain they may feel from not being able to help me is temporary and I will always be back to being that wonderful person that I am.

A person capable of loving and being loved.

Desperately

the idea of romantic love is so appealing to me, I never admitted it, but as a child its all that my bouts of escapism would be about. I wanted so desperately to be in a romantic love that I forced it when I felt lust for someone. Still I wanted it so bad that it turned into a romanitic relationship. It left a mark on me. All my pursuits ther after have ended the same. except the opposite another party falling for an ideal of me. Then me trying to fall in love with some ideal I made on the spot on them. As soon as I got to know them. I fell out of love so hard. ah its so tough. but I want it. although if tv has taught me anything. Its not something you chase after. its something that just comes

[texasisalandlockedstate]

Feburary 17th 2023

Breakfast

coffee with 2% milk, sugar free vanilla creamer

1/2 of a chocolate chip cookie the size of my hand

Lunch

0.5 cup of pinto beans

mexican rice

gordita

total : 1,024

update with dinner later

Snack

Yo Crunch M&M

Dinner

Seagram's Jamaican Me Happy

Total: 1,264

[texasisalandlockedstate]

Greed to be myself and have things only belong to me

my greed for money knows now end, I just got the fattest paycheck I've gotten in like a good while. I had to use it all and dip into my savings to pay off the credit card balance I had accrued by selfishly paying for my current necessities such as gas, my college tuition, and the little trips for fast food for me and my boyfriend. The last one makes me a little mad, but I know for a fact he's spend well over $300 on us dining in to semi-fancy restaurants. All I've done is cover the tip to the waiters and waitresses. The fact that I had to do that but suddenly he had enough money to buy somewhere to an 0dd $100 worth of weed was on sale. Is a little bit of a red flag. A lot of things about him are a red flag maybe. He did make me more conscious about my body when he told me I was the fattest girl he's ever dated, I hate that he tells me that my body type is like Florence Pugh. I hate that he squishes my arms and says he loved my fat arms.

I wish he wouldn't comment on my body at all, but at the same time I've asked him if he's noticed a difference in my body since I started working out consistently again.

I need to vow to myself that I will not make free time to hang out with him. If he wants me, he should at least have the courtesy to pick me up with his car. I had an idea to go the carnival and he paid for most of it, but I paid $15 back because I thought that it was going to be a lot cheaper than it was. He went on and would sign up for a trip with no second thought. I should do the same and really enjoy my time on my own. I'll get lost in this relationship otherwise. I want to continue this routine I had to get up at 5 in the morning make time to exercise, educate myself, and meditate. I think that was a time I felt true peace. I've put on the alarm to wake up at 5 am, but everyday I turn it off and go back to sleep.

I am grateful that I sleep so deeply and so soundly now, when there was so many nights in the past where I nearly begged to sleep forever if it meant that I could finally rest my mind. I fear I may go to much in the opposite direction now. Sleeping instead of thinking and living my life for myself first. I have to ALWAYS remember to put myself first.

So that means even though we have been together for a year, if continue to feel like he's harming my progress rather than adding to it. I have to end this relationship, even though, through my romantic stupor I now even have a bank account tied to him. I've exchanged so many gifts to him, and I've given my body to him. I need to get rid of this notion that just because I gifted him my first body doesn't me he has to be my last. As much I would like that to be the case. The problem is I do love him, the way he looks at me, and the way he talks to me. I just hate the way he makes decisions and the way he doesn't seem to remember boundries I set. How he makes me want to prod him into being sad, or tries to guilt me into paying for this when he knows he makes more money than me. I can't shake the feeling that he really isn't that serious about me. He's lying when he says he wants me to be his wife one day, and to be the mother of his children. I hate that he says his family will be heavily involved when I know I will be seeing as pretencious because i will say that this baby is mine first. If I see any way that I don't agree with by any of mine of his family members, I won't want to let them take care of my child again.

What was the good again? Oh right. He always reassures me when I ask if he's mad that he's not, that he's means it, he always makes me feel beautiful. Even when he did say I was fat. It felt more like an objective adjective than a sharp criticism. I know from my own mother any time I've fluctuated in weight how it feels like to be called fat as an insult. I didn't feel that at all when he told me that. Or maybe I'm making excuses for him? Maybe I'm re-framing all those red flags with my rose-colored glasses. All these thoughts feel like conversation that need to be had. I don't like that I'm writing about this rather than talking about it. I've learned better than to keep everything bottled up and be surprised when I explode.

[texasisalandlockedstate]

Jk I absolutely did not because of self medication

Dinner:

1. Sonic cherry limeade slushie with nerds

2. Plain pretzel bite

3. Half of chili cheese tater tots

Ah well better luck next time, but it's not too bad I only went 136 calories over because I ate a lot less for dinner even though it was still unhealthy and I still managed to walk 3 miles today I just really have to put in extra effort with exercise and diet next week, which should be easier since I'll be off my period by then

Today's Diet

Feburary 16th 2023

Breakfast:

sam's club croissant - 320 kcal

2 fried eggs - 190 kcal

2 slice of ham - 35 kcal

Colby jack and monterey jack cheese - 110 kcal

coffee with sugar free creamer and milk - 167 kcal

4 sugar cookie wafer - 255 kcal

I had no idea that the croissant was so much, but I guess I always underestimate how many calories bread has, and I am very much a bread person

[texasisalandlockedstate]

Today's Diet

Feburary 16th 2023

Breakfast:

sam's club croissant - 320 kcal

2 fried eggs - 190 kcal

2 slice of ham - 35 kcal

Colby jack and monterey jack cheese - 110 kcal

coffee with sugar free creamer and milk - 167 kcal

4 sugar cookie wafer - 255 kcal

I had no idea that the croissant was so much, but I guess I always underestimate how many calories bread has, and I am very much a bread person

[texasisalandlockedstate]

Today's Diet

Breakfast

1. Oatmeal

° sugar

° cinnamon

° peanut butter

° full fat milk

Lunch

1. Popeye's Chicken Sandwich

2. Small side of mashed potatoes with gravy

3. Minute maid lemonade

Dinner.

Truly fruit punch lemonade flavor (100 kcal)

Total Calories: 1,4888

if I hadn't drinken the truly I would have only been 48 over my calorie deficit

instead I was over 148

[texasisalandlockedstate]

Giving this website full of autistics obsessed with ranking and categorising stuff a poll option is like giving rats one of those buttons that makes cocaine

[texasisalandlockedstate]

Today's Diet

Breakfast

1. 2 pieces of white bread

2. Egg, spinach, mushroom

3. Half of a giant cookie

4. Coffee with 1/2 a cup of milk and around 1 tbs of French vanilla sugar free creamer

Will update later

[texasisalandlockedstate]

Today's diet

Breakfast

1. Sweet potato & Bulgar wheat

2. 2 hashbrown's

3. 2 eggs, spinach, and mushrooms

Lunch

1. Nature Valley Bar

Dinner

1. Water Bottle

[texasisalandlockedstate]

Ended up eating more

1. Cereal

2. Banana

3. Unsweetened almond milk

Today's Diet

I can't exercise today cause I've gone too hard on the leg and butt exercises as of late, so today is the day to control my diet for today.

Breakfast:

yogurt, pineapple, chocolate chips, and mango granola with some frozen strawberry bowl from 7/11

a plate full of a banana, blueberries, and strawberries freshly cut

buttered cracker with some red pepper hummus

[texasisalandlockedstate]

Lunch:

1. Burrito

Made with flour tortilla, beans, lettuce,white chicken and red wax cheese

2. Pasta

Pasta, chorizo, green pepper, and sasauge

3. Banana

Just by itself

I kind of want to eat more again, but I'm okay rn

Today's Diet

I can't exercise today cause I've gone too hard on the leg and butt exercises as of late, so today is the day to control my diet for today.

Breakfast:

yogurt, pineapple, chocolate chips, and mango granola with some frozen strawberry bowl from 7/11

a plate full of a banana, blueberries, and strawberries freshly cut

buttered cracker with some red pepper hummus

[texasisalandlockedstate]

Today's Diet

I can't exercise today cause I've gone too hard on the leg and butt exercises as of late, so today is the day to control my diet for today.

Breakfast:

yogurt, pineapple, chocolate chips, and mango granola with some frozen strawberry bowl from 7/11

a plate full of a banana, blueberries, and strawberries freshly cut

buttered cracker with some red pepper hummus