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the-fangirl-from-hell · 2 years ago

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The Real Reason Xavier Can't Tell You The Truth

this is part 3 in a series. here is part 1, here is part 2

pairing: Xavier Thorpe x reader summary: in which Xavier is haunted by guilt for keeping secrets from you warnings: mentions of blood, injury, kinda cheating but not really, cussing, religious guilt?, they're horny but there's no smut yet tags: even more pining, we shouldn't do this, forbidden desires, mild angst, hurt-comfort, reader patches Xavier up once again, fluff, reassurance word count: 4k

Xavier never got to know whether (Y/N) would kiss him or not because their tender moment was interrupted by a loud growl. It sounded like something between a bear and a lion. Ferocious. Angry.

“I think we should run,” the girl whispered.

“Follow me, my shed shouldn’t be far off.”

Xavier grabbed her hand tightly and started running off with her towards the parts of the woods that pertained to Nevermore. They could hear screeching and leaves rustling under the beast’s feet as it followed them, but neither could bring themselves to look back and see what kind of monster would make this kind of sounds.

Neither of them could feel their own legs after a while. They were panting and whining in pain as they stepped on sharp rocks and small dried branches that snapped under their weight. A blood-curdling scream pierced through the night as Xavier fell on the ground and the beast snatched him by the leg with its long claws. In an act of desperation, the girl grabbed a rock she found on the ground and smashed the monster’s hand with it, forcing it to release the boy. It took one look at the girl’s terrified expression before it ran off into the woods.

She rushed to her knees to check Xavier’s leg. His pants were shredded and covered in blood from his thigh to his knee.

“Can you walk? How far is your shed?”

But Xavier didn’t answer; he just let out a pain-ridden sob as he was clutching the wounded area. The girl took one more look at his thigh and the blood pouring out of the gash. His face was getting paler by the second. She took one deep calming breath before making an important decision.

“I need you to trust me right now,” she received a weak nod. “Show me the cut.”

Xavier complied and raised his blood stained hands in the air, giving the girl free access to his wound. She put her own hands on top of the cut and pressed. The boy hissed as he prepared for the pain that never came. As soon as her hands were on his body the only thing Xavier could feel was the nice warmth he already came to associate with (Y/N). It was almost blissful. The bleeding stopped soon after.

“How did you do that?”

“I’ll explain later, we should get somewhere safer before that thing comes to finish the job.”

She yanked Xavier by the arm and got him on his feet. To his surprise, he felt good enough to walk already. But the girl insisted on holding his hand tightly all the way.

“It’s just that my powers only work when I’m making physical contact. I need to make sure the bleeding doesn’t return,” she explained on their way.

Xavier didn’t need explaining. If she wanted to hold his hand she could, anytime. Maybe because the whole monster thing scared her and she needed comfort. Or because it was dark and she wanted to make sure she didn’t lose him in the woods. Or because her hand was cold. Or simply because she felt the fraction of the butterflies he did when their hands were touching.

They finally got to the shed after about fifteen more minutes of walking, although Xavier was pretty sure they were safe anyway. The monster seemed to disappear and the forest was quiet. Their walk would’ve been quite romantic if they hadn’t been running from a monster less than half an hour ago. Or if she didn’t already have a boyfriend. Xavier needed to remind himself of that. She had someone else. She didn’t want him. No matter how hard his heart was hammering in his chest every time she was close by.

He opened the door for her and let her in first, then closed it after himself and propped a chair against the handle just to be on the safe side. No one could get in now. Xavier turned around to see (Y/N) drag the mattress he sometimes slept on in the middle of the room and grab some clean pieces of cloth he used for painting.

She was acting as if she’d been there a million times already. Xavier liked that thought.

“Sit down, let me clean you up.”

“You’ve done more than enough for me already, it’s fine.”

“Just let me help, okay?” she sounded more exasperated than she intended.

He realized that patching him up was her way of showing affection. He couldn’t complain. He plopped down on the mattress and let the girl take care of him. Her gentle nimble hands were caressing his leg, alternating between the cool feeling of the cloth cleaning him, and the warmth of her hands healing him. He didn’t mean to let out a moan but as he tried to relax and close his eyes for a second, it just happened.

Fuck.

Xavier could feel his face flush red and hot as embarrassment settled in his stomach.

“Did it hurt?” the girls asked innocently.

She had no idea of the effect she had on him, beyond her healing abilities. She had no idea of the many wet dreams he had that started just like this. The two of them together in the shed, at night, no one around, her standing on top of him, hands caressing his body. He half expected to wake up in his dorm, aroused and disappointed. But this was real.

Xavier had to bite his lip to stop a second moan before it escaped his mouth. He realised he couldn’t speak so he resigned to shaking his head no.

“Tell me if it hurts.”

She couldn’t hurt him. Every touch of her felt like heaven, every inch of his body in contact with her felt blessed.

“Oh.” The realisation hit Xavier like a truck. “That’s how I healed so quick last time after Tyler beat me. You used your powers then too.”

The girl nodded without taking her eyes off the area she was healing. Xavier felt grateful. If she peered up at him through her lashes in that moment he’d probably melt into the mattress. Right then and there.

“So that’s why your touch feels like that. No wonder Tyler can’t get his hands off you.”

Xavier was just thinking out loud at the moment, trying to get the realisation out so it felt more real. The normie girl he’s been in love with wasn’t even a normie. She was like him, an outcast. And that’s why every touch of her was electric, because a healer’s touch is almost like a drug.

“I’ve never used my powers on Tyler,” the girl finally said. “He doesn’t even know I have them and at this point, I can’t tell him. It’s too late.”

It made sense. When the psychic link was active Xavier could feel everything Tyler was feeling. The girl’s hands pulling his hair, her teeth biting his lip, her lips going down his abdomen (Xavier forced himself to stop there) and the spark was never there. When he was Tyler he felt hot like you do on a sunny summer day, not warm like when you drink hot cocoa next to a fireplace. Not like what Xavier felt when (Y/N) put her hands on him.

“But you used your powers for me. Thank you.”

“Don’t worry about it, I like feeling helpful. And you needed my help,” the girl let out a little laugh that reminded Xavier of wind chimes.

She seemed so content doting on him like it was the thing she enjoyed doing most. Xavier was almost sad that his wound was healing so fast and she was going to stop.

“I don’t get it. Why keep it a secret?”

“Mom insists,” the girl made a face as if she bit on something bitter. “There’s people out there who would do unforgivable things to get access to a healer. I heard many horror stories; it happened to my grandma.”

She swallowed thickly and stopped, almost as if the words were stuck in her throat. Xavier put a hand on her shoulder, trying to assure her that she didn’t have to go on if she didn’t want to. He understood what it was like to be different, to be hunted.

He decided to say something that would get her mind off things.

“Ok, but there’s one thing that still doesn’t add up. You always feel like that, not just when you’re healing me.”

“About that,” the girl awkwardly chewed on her lower lip. “It seems I can’t really control my powers around you. I can’t stop myself, every time I touch you my powers turn up to eleven. It’s like… like–” she stopped, unable to finish.

She didn’t need to because he knew exactly what she meant. Like there was something inside him so broken that was begging to be fixed. That’s why she was his peace. It’s why every time he was with her he felt like everything was right in the world. Because she was healing him.

The girl sat up as the cut on Xavier’s leg closed up, it looked like a small scratch made by a kitten. She put a gentle hand on the side of the boy’s face and he leaned into it, letting out a worried sigh.

“I can tell your seer abilities weigh on you. It’s like a darkness plaguing your mind. Is that why you couldn’t sleep?”

Xavier tried to swallow the knot that formed in his throat. He knew he should come clean and tell her everything. She had the right to know about his weird little voyeuristic visions of her. But he just couldn’t; the thought of her hating him or being freaked out scared him too much.

He barely managed to give the girl a nod.

“Because of that monster.”

(Y/N) eyes were fixated on the wall behind Xavier. More precisely, on the drawings he made and put up those walls. The boy was so preoccupied with getting to safety that he hadn’t realised until this point: they are in his shed. They are in. His. Shed. The one that was full of drawings he made over the past year, most of them from his visions and dreams. Many of them of her.

Right now her gaze seemed to be fixed on the drawings he’s been making of the monster.

“Is that the thing that attacked us in the forest? Have you seen it before?”

“Yes, I’ve been having visions of it for a while. When I draw it… it feels like I’m getting it out of my head and onto the page.”

“You’ve been drawing it a lot. We’ve got to figure out what this thing has against you.”

As she walked closer and closer to the drawings, Xavier thanked every god in existence that he remembered to cover the painting he’s made of her last night. If Bianca hadn’t barged in that morning he probably wouldn’t have.

“I almost forgot how talented you are,” the girl breathed out as her fingers grazed past a drawing of a wolf. “Have you ever thought of doing this professionally?”

The girl’s breath hitched suddenly as her eyes landed on an old pencil drawing of her, the first of many. That one depicted (Y/N) playing her piano in the town’s square, eyes closed, fingers gliding gracefully across the instrument. It looked beautiful. She was beautiful.

“Art is my hobby,” Xavier shrugged. “I don’t like mixing business with pleasure.”

The girl’s eyes were drinking in every drawing on Xavier’s wall individually and then all at once. The boy felt his face growing hotter by the second. No one looked at his art like that, eyes gleaming with adoration.

Thankfully, most of the drawings on her were in a sketchbook specially designated for her. As long as she didn’t find it, he was safe. Or so he thought until the girl’s fingers found the cloth that was over the painting of her. His entire life flashed before his eyes when she gripped the covering and she almost started pulling at it, until Xavier firmly placed his hands on top of the canvas, snatching it from the easel it was placed on.

“No – not that one. Please, I-I’d kill myself if you saw that,” Xavier said, cringing at his own brutal honesty.

He didn’t have anything else to say.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude. This is probably like a sacred space for you and I’ve been touching and ogling everything. I apologise.”

Xavier felt his face was still burning hot, so he kept it on the ground, mostly covered by his brown hair draping over it. His hands were still gripping the top of the painting. His whole body was shaking. Guilt started burning up his throat like bile and threatened to spill everywhere. He never feared hell quite like in this moment.

“I understand if you’re mad-” the girl continued.

“I’m not mad, just embarrassed.”

He tossed the painting into a corner, still making sure it wasn’t visible to her. He should come clean, tell her everything. She deserved to know that in her most private moments with her boyfriend he’s been there, watching. Whether he wanted to or not he’d memorised every inch of her body so well he could draw it from memory. He did.

He looked around for a second to gather all his courage. It was now or never. His gaze fell on a drawing of a rose he made a long time ago and without thinking much about it he grabbed it from the paper and brought it to life. She asked him to throw her a rose once but it felt like eons ago.

He tried to hand the charcoal flower to the girl in front of him but as soon as her fingers touched the stem, it crumbled into fine grey dust. Despite that, she still looked at him with so much undeserved adoration in her eyes. She always seemed so impressed with his stupid little tricks. It made him feel special like he was worth something.

“I’m still trying to get the hang of it. I can’t quite control my powers yet.”

She leaned in a little closer and Xavier could swear to any God who would listen that she was waiting for him to kiss her. If he looked down he could close the gap and get the one thing in this world he wanted most. Not now. He had something important to say now. Let’s see if she still wants to kiss him afterwards.

“Lately I’ve been having these visions… about you.”

Xavier felt like he was choking on the truth. Like it didn’t really want to come out and it was suffocating, for a second he couldn’t breathe and it terrified him.

“I can’t control them, I swear! I’ve tried!”

He didn’t even tell her the whole story and he was already making up excuses as if there was any possibility of him finishing what he has to say and her not hating him feverishly afterwards.

The boy cleared his throat nervously, carefully picking his next words; feeling already extremely uncomfortable. He looked down at (Y/N) and the first thing he noticed was how radiant she looked in the moonlight cascading from an uncovered window. The second thing he noticed was the puzzled look on her face.

“I owe you an explanation, I know-“

“Your lips look so soft.”

Xavier almost didn’t understand what the girl said the first time, as she spoke over him. He must have misheard her. There was no way in seven Hells she’d still be thinking about kissing him in a moment like this.

“They just make it kinda hard to focus on what you’re saying.”

He felt her hand crawl up his back all the way to the base of his skull and he shuddered. Her finger was playing with a strand of his hair, and Xavier found himself closing his eyes and leaning in until their foreheads touched. It was as if he was under a spell. He knew he couldn’t resist her. Frankly, he didn’t even want to try. He’s been waiting for this kiss ever since he first laid eyes on her but she always felt too out of reach. Even before finding out she was taken, she was too pretty for him, too kind, too good.

Now they were alone in his shed at night, basking in the dim light and sharing an embrace. Her hands felt so good scratching his scalp and playing in his hair. It felt nothing like when he was experiencing it through Tyler. This was more intense. This was real.

He bit the apple. Leaning in just a little closer was enough to bridge the gap between their lips and lock them in a slow and tender kiss. He kissed her with so much gentleness as if he was afraid she’d turn into charcoal dust the moment their lips met.

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” he whispered.

“You’re right.”

Another, more forceful kiss. This time their lips crashed into each other like they were trying to devour one another. His hands started roaming her body as if trying to make sure she was real, she was there and he wasn’t about to wake up.

“Xavier,”

She said his name and it sounded almost like a prayer. Xavier felt himself coming apart at the seams, nearly bursting with excitement and longing for this girl. Nearly falling on his knees he had to steady himself by grabbing the table he usually works on. The sound of his art supplies hitting the floor didn’t startle either of them, too busy getting lost in one another. He didn’t even have to help her jump on the table, before he could register what was happening, her legs were already wrapped around him like a ribbon around a Christmas present. She was holding onto him like she was waiting for salvation.

A small voice in Xavier’s mind was telling him it was wrong. She was probably just using him to forget about her stupid boyfriend and his tantrums. An even smaller voice was telling him that he should let her; that if this was the only way to be with her, he should settle for it. Being a girl’s rebound wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Especially not if it’s her.

Xavier let out a sigh.

“It’s not fair,” he whispered close to her mouth.

They couldn’t go any further. It wasn’t fair to him – who was in love with her, to her – who was heartbroken and confused and probably still in love with Tyler. It wasn’t even fair to Tyler for that matter. Even if they’d split tonight for good (which they might not, Xavier has seen them break up and get back together again and again so many times in the past year) it’s only been an hour since that happened.

Not fair.

He forced himself to pull back for a second and just look at her. This was one sin he’d allow himself to commit over and over again every time he got the chance. Just to look at her. It still made him feel guilty.

“You look in pain, is it your leg?”

It fucking hurt. Being in this perfect moment with the perfect girl and knowing it has to end and it can’t happen again hurts like a motherfucker. Why must his conscience be so heavy?

Xavier shifted his weight on his now barely grazed leg just to test it. He felt a sort of dull ache, like the memory of the pain he was in when he got scratched by the monster. He shuddered at the thought of that beast. His dreams of (Y/N) made him feel guilty, dirty, creepy; but he preferred that tenfold compared to the blood curdling fear he felt when he was having nightmares about the monster terrorizing Jericho. He wondered how much worse would they get after tonight. Would he dream about being torn to shreds over and over again? Would it feel just as excruciating as it did in real life?

“I’m fine,” he managed to snap back to reality and answer. “It’s just…” he took a moment, two, three to find his words. “Can you stay over tonight? I can’t bear the thought of you going home all alone after all that and I don’t think I’m in good enough shape to walk you there.”

The girl bit on her lip as if she was mulling it over. After a few moments of deliberation, she nodded her head.

The two of them made themselves comfortable on the old mattress the girl previously dragged in the middle of the room and covered themselves with a sage bed sheet that didn’t do much in terms of keeping them warm.

“Are you cold?” Xavier asks draping a hand over her tentatively. “I could sneak you into my dorm room, it's warmer there, but I don’t want to make you climb through a window.”

He let out a hesitant chuckle, which died in his throat the second the girl cozied up to him, her head close to his chest. There was no way she couldn’t hear how frantic his heart was beating, but it didn’t seem to bother her. She was warm compared to the cold shed. And her body seemed to fit into his like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Their arms wrapped around each other’s bodies so easily, like they’ve done that a thousand times before in another lifetime.

So unfair.

“I’m fine here, it’s more intimate.”

Intimate. Xavier liked that word. Especially the way it rolled off her lips.

“I’m sorry I freaked out on you earlier about the painting. Please don’t hate me.”

(Y/N) propped herself up on her elbow and looked at Xavier for a second through sleepy eyes. She placed a gentle kiss on the boy’s temple. He knew what that meant. A healer’s kiss is their most powerful spell. It could bring someone back from the brink of death. The boy let out something between a sigh and a sob.

“I could never hate you,” she whispered.

Xavier couldn’t believe his own ears. He must have died and ended up in heaven. Though, what were the chances that someone like him would end up in a place like that?

“Maybe you should.”

“You went through so much, Xavier. The monster, the visions, the insomnia; you’re tired and hurt. Plus the whole ordeal with Tyler and the legal issues that came after. It’s okay to freak out, I understand. I’m here.”

It took everything in Xavier not to break down right then and there. He let go of a few silent tears and hoped she couldn’t see them in the dark. He had to tell her the whole story, he just didn’t have it in him to ruin the happiest he’s ever been in a long time. He was selfish as shit and he was going to pay for that in hell or on earth. But for the first time in so long they didn’t feel like the same place for him.

“You make everything better.”

“Let’s just go to sleep. As long as I’m here you shouldn’t have problems.”

She was too good for him. Knowing exactly what to say, knowing what he needed her to do before he even asked. And she was always looking to help him, to heal him. But there was a question weighing Xavier’s mind. What if he was meant to hurt? What if the pain was his deserved punishment?

“Good night, Xav.”

He couldn’t even mutter an answer because he fell asleep. And Xavier couldn’t recall the last time he slept so peacefully.

taglist: @ryswritingrecord; @rayliz793; @vviviivvivivivvivivivi; @kkmstblog; @khaylin27; @hopelessromanticwriter; @kis9na - feel free to ask in the notes to be added to the tag list. whether on this story or on all my writing

thank you to all the amazing people writing nice things in the tags, notes and reblogs. you are the best and i'm kissing you on the forehead.

[a.n.] can you guys believe i'm still alive? its been almost a year since i promised i'd publish part 3 and here it is. i never said when...

but in all honesty i'm sorry it took me so long. i have no excuse other my my own perfectionism didn't let me publish. i wrote this chapter with five different endings and none of them felt right. one was too angsty, one was too smutty too soon. i just wasn't happy with it. i write for fun and the more pressure i put on myself the less fun it was. i have three more fics written 3/4 but not finished simply because my brain won't cooperate. one fic is in the stranger things fandom. in other news i got diagnosed with adhd and autism and this might be a factor. my wednesday hyperfixation dwindled out. but i wanna keep writing if you guys want to keep reading. i just need patience and maybe medication. this hasn't been fully proofread, just bits and pieces because i fear if i reread it again from top to bottom for the hundredth time i'll rage delete all of it, my entire blog and then myself. sorry. let's hope part four will come out before wednesday season 2

#wednesday #wednesday fanfic #wednesday addams #wednesday netflix #xavier thorpe #xavier thrope x reader #xavier thorpe x you #xavier thorpe x y/n #reader insert #x reader

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