theannualpolarsickcycle

[theannualpolarsickcycle]

September 25th, 2013

      Once again I keep on writing how long it’s been since the last time I’ve actually documented my life on a daily basis. I miss it. Time is so tight lately, I work over 40 hours a week, I go to school part time.. I can’t breath but I’m trying. Today is horrible. I read some past entries on my previous blog accounts and.. wow, I can write. My life was a soap opera. I’m starting to think that I’ve just stop caring about the drama.. that’s why I feel like I never have anything to write about. 

     I have so many thoughts  a day, I occasionally see an attractive girl… like today at good will. She was in a schoolsgirl out fit, she must have been a senior in highschool. And that was why I didn’t pursue her.. that is not entirely true. It was that AND I’m a chicken and she made me nervous just walking past her. I couldn’t even smile at her, that’s how nervous. I’ll never see her again. Chances are… she’s straight.         My dad has been in mexico for almost two weeks.. or more.. I lost track. I’ve been my own ride, driving around with only a permit. I never realized how exhaustingly busy I am and how much of a bother I was to those who had to give me a ride on a regular basis. I’m so damn tired.          Gibby. She lives in Chicago. She calls me baby, and tells me sweet words. Her voice and laugh are one of the cutest. The downer of this, we have never met. We met on a dating site. She’s from Chicago, and I don’t think I can talk to her in hopes of a relationship since the distance.. I just can’t do it. I want to tell her but I like the attention and I like her a bit as well. I actually feel like I’m cheating when I talk to other girls. I shouldn’t because we are not an item.. but she calls me baby all the time. She’s so smart and is going to be so successful. I’m sure she’s better looking in person than she is in pictures, I’m positive because video chat showed me she’s not so… ugly. She isn’t ugly, but she’s not beautiful. She wears snap backs, and sporty clothes. She’s black too. The ethnicity isn’t the problem, her dress is, well I’ve never seen it in person so I’m keeping an open mind. She mentioned the same story about her ex like three times, so it was a huge turn off. I can’t be with someone who says they are over an ex when.. they clearly are not.        I am for the first time not heart broken on a daily basis. Maybe a fleeting feeling of the need for affection or nostalgia of.. mica, but she’s nothing anymore.  I want to meet someone near me. I want to fall in love. I want a beautiful women to walts into my life and change my world with a kiss. I’m on three lesbian dating sites, I get quite a bit messages since I’m considered a femme, girls like that. But sometimes we just don’t click and I feel disgusting and unattractive and it scares me to think they will think the same once they meet me in person.. and that’s kind of why it’s hard for me. I click with Gibby, but the distance, how do we make it work? My living situation sucks especially living with my parents. I’m on a short leash. I can’t leave home for a night or two, I can’t have a girl sleep over.. I’m not in highschool anymore, I can’t get away with that shit anymore. I work too much too. I need a girl who will understand. I wish I could have a normal relationship, so badly. And that’s probably one of the big reasons I’ve unintentionally avoided dating anyone. I’m a baggage. I’m not easy, I’m difficult. Should I just take chances anyway? Well… if ever a chance with a girl I like happens? If I ever like anyone?      I’m finally 196lbs. I’m finally in my 100’s in weight. I accomplished something. I was almost 300lbs 2010 and now look at me. I have to reach 180 by christmass. I want to dress up with Jimena. Wear a dress, and feel sexy, feel beautiful. I fish for compliments because I want to believe the results and change, I want to reassured myself because sometimes I feel like I have not changed at all. I’m scared that I’m still that obese girl three years ago. I never want to be there again. I can hardly love myself now, but I feel a bit more confident, more than I was then. I’ve had a difficult time working out on a daily basis too. I work in a kitchen and that’s basically my workout. I go for runs when I can. Once or twice a week, but I want to make it three or four times a week. I need too. I want to be thin, and I want to be beautiful. I want to feel beautiful. I want to wear stylish clothing and feel comfortable, I want to get a half sleeve and show it off because my arms wont be as fat anymore. I want to wear dresses and feel confident. I want to feel good naked. I want it so bad. I’ve made progress, but it’s hard to accept it. I look in the mirror and sometimes I feel like I haven’t changed at all. I get told I’m beautiful everyday, why can’t I believe it? Why can’t I accept it?    I woke up super cranky today. Period aches. I feel like drawing, I think I’ll go to the store and buy a sketchbook. I want to get in touch with my creative side again. I was looking for a desk chair at good will but couldn’t find any. I want one because then I can make my room my sanctuary again.    I swear I could write on and on. We, my journal, we have to catch up.  And I have only so much time on my hands, oh the drag. I got to hunt down an actual concrete journal. I do but then I lose them. What a bummer that is.     Overall, I need a journal, I need to work out and get creative. Also, I want to be beautiful, I want to be thin, I want to fall in love and be loved by the same person in return

[theannualpolarsickcycle]

I do not regret my scars.

[theannualpolarsickcycle]

I don't feel like I'm compatible with anyone...

[theannualpolarsickcycle]

[theannualpolarsickcycle]

[theannualpolarsickcycle]

[theannualpolarsickcycle]

[theannualpolarsickcycle]

[theannualpolarsickcycle]

[theannualpolarsickcycle]

[theannualpolarsickcycle]

[theannualpolarsickcycle]

[theannualpolarsickcycle]

[theannualpolarsickcycle]

[theannualpolarsickcycle]

[theannualpolarsickcycle]

[theannualpolarsickcycle]