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When you feel a flare coming on:

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Hands down best moment for me in this dark time….. don’t touch me I’m still crying!!!!

FINAL FANTASY VII REBIRTH (2024) ↳ Sephiroth vs Cloud and Aerith

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So that’s what has me suffering so much! I’m so over this!!

Shoutout to everyone else whose chronic pain is currently being affected by this massive storm system in North America

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A year ago I heard my dad coughing and say he was afraid to be alone…. That was the last time I heard him… my dad coded and tomorrow will mark the one year since My mom and I had to say goodbye to him but truly he was already gone by then… only his tired body lay there as a husk of the man who raised me to be the woman I am today. I hurt so much. I miss him so much.

A man who broke his neck at 19, got his degree in mechanical engineering and worked an award winning career at the fish and wildlife service. He stepped up and became my dad. He wasn’t a Step dad he was just my dad, my hero… and inspiration to a lot of people because of all the trials and tribulations he had gone through.

I wasn’t ready…

But I don’t think I ever would have been…

I miss you Dad 💜

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I’m proud of my work!! I think I’m getting the hang of this. I’m still learning. But my iPad is definitely helping with my focus and my spirals and at bay at least.

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It’s been really hard getting used to the fact that I can’t do what I used to. That my body literally burned out on me… but with tax money/ as a birthday present my husband got me an iPad and everything I want with it! It’s amazing what these things can accomplish in the darkness of everything…

I got myself a iPad!!! I'm learning more about digital art and playing around. Here are a couple of pieces that I threw together

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My dad died two weeks ago.. and I’m staying afloat. His rally day I overworked myself but honestly I don’t regret it.

He had gone in in respiratory distress. (Mind you he is a quadriplegic) Ended up coding that night after spending a day in the ER. His heart had only slowed but they intubated him and brought him to ICU.

Sunday was a really good day but when everyone left his BP started to drop. He had a Thoracentesis early that week and they ended up nicking his lung causing a pneumothorax. So they never got around to doing the bronchoscopy… Monday I called at 6 to do my normal morning check, and he couldn’t stop coughing since 5-5:30… he was then getting a chest X-ray so I didn’t wait to talk to him… I told the nurse to tell him I love him.

I was called at 7:30 by my mom saying they were pounding on his chest. I called the doctor and found out he was stable and I got my mom and we went there to find out that what happened almost a week prior happened again but much worse and this time his heart stopped… it took 45 minutes to get him back.

I knew

They ended up doing the bronchoscopy that day cause the reason he coded and was coughing was because of how much *thick secretions* were in his lungs and he basically choked on it. I remind you he needed assisted coughs cause he was a quadriplegic.

They cooled his body down and put him on an EEG cause his face was twitching….

I knew

Tuesday November 29th that morning we came in we waited for the Neuro team to come in. And they told us, that though the respiratory issues have been resolved it’s the brain that was the concern, which I knew, it’s what I have been worried about last time even though his heart have only slowed. They said if he were to wake he wouldn’t be himself.

That day I lost my dad. And I don’t know what to do with myself. How am I supposed to celebrate Christmas or my birthday? He kept offering me help and I always told him I had it handled. And I don’t know. I miss him.

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Ii can’t stress this enough!!!

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So for as my pain has gotten worse I’ve maintained the same weight. Back when I was rear ended I was working on loosing weight but slowly stopped when it became too hard. But I’ve maintained that same weight.

My old primary a handful of months ago after attempting some tests as to why my flank flared the way it did concluded that **it was my weight**. I left that appointment never wanting to see her again. Making it very clear to all the other specialist that I was seeing that she wasn’t going to be my primary for long and telling them what happened.

I made an appointment with a new doctor and talked with him, laying it all out and he agreed to be my primary. He seemed very understanding to my plight and was sympathetic to me the staff was nice at that clinic and so far it’s been good knowing I have a primary that will have my back.

I recently got myself into a Pain Clinic and that’s working well. I went in and told them everything that happened with my previous Primary as well and told her that I need a doctor who trusts me and I trust them and we can have a good relationship especially if we’re working with pain meds! It’s going well for n that end…

But oh boy… I can believe it took me getting chronic pain to learn how messed up the system is!!!

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I have something to add to thisssss!!! XD

My current being in 2 Memes!!!

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I used up all my spoons today and now I’m dead!

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I live in Minnesota, near the MSP airport, I don’t have room where I live to house people, but if you need a friendly person to talk to or someone to drive you I’m your girl!

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I drove 4 hours to a family wedding and then was there for 5 hours.

I was so beyond out of spoons and I was on the verge of tears the second the dancing started I had to leave.

I drove another 1 1/2 after to stay at my Grandmas!

But I survived my weekend and I’m actually really proud of myself!

Though it really sucks and is exhausting explaining my spiel to everyone that I saw and going though everything and trying not to feel the judgement from some of the older adults, all my 2nd cousins I never felt the judgement, ya know?

I’m so tired.

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That is me today after dealing with my parents and I am not doing okay…

Have your parents ever done/said something that just left you sit there and think

"Wow, gaslighting at its finest 🙃"

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