thelightismine - Tumblr blog

[thelightismine]

Reputation (Taylor’s Version) this, Reputation (Taylor’s Version) that, I’ve been here refreshing AO3 for new chapters of Attrition Tactics and Up For The Annealing on a daily basis for mONTHS

NEW CHAPTER OF OBSCURE RAREPAIR POLYAMORY FIC UP :D

This one took way too long to write and I had to pull in somebody to help me cut it down from 6.3k words (it ended up 5.3k... what can you do?). Uh anyway. Have sexual tension with a sprinkle of kink - CHECK WARNINGS.

Next chapter contains 4k words of just porn. Have to feed the three people actually reading this thing who have stuck w me despite how much plot this PWP grew. I love each of you individually, thank you (:

[thelightismine]

For Kyrimorut's eventual discovery in the unwritten ImpComm book, what I'd like to see is that it actually doesn't have much to do with the Jedi, but is the culmination of small mistakes and threads coming together into something big enough to finally trip the alarm. Something bigger could get Imperial attention, they open an investigation, and it's only then that they begin to piece together reports that had been ignored, things that didn't add up, financial anomalies, and cases that were closed without appropriate closure. The Nulls' financial 'adventures' have seemed relatively convenient and without consequence so far, so I'm wondering if KT had planned for that to go somewhere (or for some character flaws to crop up) to make some of the Nulls seem less...invulnerable I suppose? I think it could be an interesting contributing factor to Kyrimorut being discovered, along with whatever Darman is planning, the presence of the Imperial garrison on Mandalore, ~ JeDi ~, logistical breadcrumbs for some alphabet soup agency to follow, and ignorance of/failure to understand something crucial in the civilian world (as if that's not a massively complicated and diverse thing in itself, lol.)

I have no idea what KT was planning of course, but I think by having multiple things contribute to Kyrimorut's discovery, you have the opportunity to sort of portray how even if you have one person who is officially responsible in a buck-stops-here kind of way, there are still things that a lot of people with different responsibilities could've done differently to help the situation, so there's room for improvement and learning across the board and you're not just pointing at *one person* and saying "yeah you're the one who fucked this whole thing, get out." It sounds boring when I describe it like that but I think if you execute it properly, it can be a compelling look at something going wrong and how various characters react to that and understand their role in what's happening-- more compelling than, like, one person being plucked from the frozen section of CoruFresh by the ISB and induced to divulge the location of Kyrimorut via force magic.

Sorry this is super long but I wanted to know what you were thinking for why Kyrimorut is eventually discovered in the unfinished book, and how that can fit in with established themes in the other books or evolve them to portray new ones!

I find it funny when people apologize to me for long anything. Friend, you are perfectly fine, I promise :) I really like your ask.

I also don't think it sounds boring at all! I agree, actually. Small missteps made along the way leading to a complete collapse sounds like a perfect sort of low point in the story, where the survivors all have to individually come to terms with their own failures, go on their own mini-journeys to heal and overcome and shift their perspectives, regroup and re-solidify their bonds, and come back better if not exactly stronger? Especially in a multi-POV series like RepComm, that sort of thing would be perfect, normally. Classic heroine's journey, refracted in a thousand ways across a cracked mirror. I love it.

...more compelling than, like, one person being plucked from the frozen section of CoruFresh by the ISB and induced to divulge the location of Kyrimorut via force magic.

Well-worded, lol. I also agree with you!

The thing is, is I think there's a difference between what I think KT was going to do, what I personally think would have made the most sense for the story and the characters, and what I think would just be the most cathartic thing and the thing I most want to see happen. It's difficult to talk about them in the same breath, but since you asked, I'll try!

...this is very kal skirata critical guys be warned

Ideally, if the book hadn't included Kal Skirata in the way it did, your presentation here would have been just about perfect. I also think it makes the most sense! A thousand small flaws in the wall that bring it all toppling down, and it offers significant room for growth and the spotlight to just about everyone. It's wonderful. There is definitely plenty there that could be used to assign everyone a whole crack of their own, from what’s been mentioned previously about supply lines, to the fact they have two ex-government employees hanging around who are probably listed as kidnapped/jail-broken, the fact Jilka never actually volunteered to be there, the fact Kyrimorut is just going to keep getting bigger and bigger and the garrison is right there, Kom’rk and Jaing’s unease with being locked out leading to them making a few mistakes when they try to get back in, someone on Mandalore rats them out because Kal trusted the wrong person just because they wore the same kind of helmet he did, Isabet Reau comes back with a Vengeance, one of the deserters isn’t actually (and they are pissed everyone here took off and left all their brothers behind), Rede’s whole...deal.

There’s plenty to work with!

Since Kal Skirata as he is does exist, however, I'm sorry to say that what you said here - you're not just pointing at *one person* and saying "yeah you're the one who fucked this whole thing, get out." - is actually kind of what I do want XD and also the thing that would absolutely have never happened.

The thing is, is that we know the other characters are already aware of their own flaws, willing to work to overcome them, and willing to own up when they fuck up. This is established in the story, with one glaring exception that changes the whole game. The only one who doesn't have to eat their own shit in the whole series in a way that could actually get them called out on their nonsense in a not-fun way is Kal.

And, I mean, sure, the whole thing with Darman, right? Except I refuse to actually accept that as a scenario where Kal "owned up to his mistakes". To me, it was a more extreme example of that thing he does where he "owns up" by blurting out shit like "it's because I'm such a terrible father" which is NOT an apology, or even a sincere admission of fault. It has never been.

Okay, hear me out.

The only one who left that confrontation feeling better was Kal. Kal got what he wanted, which was catharsis for his guilty feelings, and all without even having to admit to every aspect of his sins (what a bargain!). He walked out of there satisfied and vindicated that he was Doing Better By His Boys, even as he left Darman - the one he harmed, the one he was supposedly apologizing to, the one whose benefit this conversation was supposedly for - rattled and horrified and so guilty he immediately tried to bury all the misgivings he still had rather than deal with them. Darman got nothing from that conversation. It gave him zero closure, because Kal didn't actually answer him.

And the beating Kal was so determined to let Darman have? Who was that actually for? Who left that interaction with some degree of closure? Because it sure as hell wasn’t Darman. Kal decided letting Darman hurt him was a good way to pay his dues (which is tremendously fucked up in its own ways, but we already know Kal doesn’t have the healthiest way of conceptulatizing his relationships), and he barred intervention from onlookers deliberately so he could go about paying them with no regard for how it was going to impact Darman.

Look, he basically used Darman as a tool to salve his own guilty conscience at the same time he was supposedly meant to be doing better by him. As much as I like seeing Kal finally get punched in the face, Kal wanted it too much, and it hurt Darman too much, because Darman's not the kind of man who would ever be satisfied or okay with harming the people he loves out of anger for any reason. He knows it’s unacceptable, and he spends the rest of the series twisting himself up in knots every time he thinks of it, and too guilty to ever hold Kal accountable for anything again, even for things Kal deserves. That’s not healthy.

So that wasn't Kal owning up to his mistakes. That was Kal wanting to get on with paying his ticket so he could go right back to reckless driving.

Anyway.

So what I would really like to see if I have a choice, is a scenario where Kal actually has to pay up for real, when it's not easy for him, when it’s not on his terms, when it doesn't make him feel better. Where things are fucked up so spectacularly that there is no wiggling out of accepting his fair share of the blame, and he's not going to get pats on the head to make it all better afterward.

And since Kal in the story is so big on hobbling everyone around him by limiting their information and running everything through himself and hoarding secrets and refusing to clearly relay his intentions so people can get on with things without his direct input, so insecure that he has to make himself the indispensable lynch-pin to the family and coincidentally the single point of failure...

Let him.

Let him be that.

And then when that single point of failure that is himself, does, in fact fail, when everything falls apart around his ears, when he's gotten his own people killed in a way that can't be handwaved away, when they're scattered and hurting and when he has fucked up, have him have to eat that. Have his mistake be so awful no one's willing to cut him slack anymore. Have it be so awful there's no way he can make it so the people he harmed have to be the ones reassuring him. Strand him with Vau in the aftermath, maybe, and just him, and cut off from everyone he's got in an emotional stranglehold who might feel obligated to soothe him. Have him have to live with his faults dripping out of Vau's mouth and no way to hide.

Strand the clan in bits and pieces but primarily and most importantly without Kal, and have it be a long time before they're able to re-establish communication with him. Give them long enough to realize exactly what Kal did, not just the mistakes that broke their home, but the damage across a lifetime. Give them time to really feel it.

In this case, you can have characters wounded, or cut off from their usual support systems. Let the Nulls be shaken and scattered, have their usual frequencies, their unusual frequencies, be unreliable, tapped, have them not know how deeply they've been had, and have it take a hell of a lot of time before they can get their feet back under them and regroup. Let them be scattered, but Laseema know how to survive losing everything, how to live with nothing, dragging Kom'rk along behind her. Jilka snapping at a destroyed Fi because she's stressed, okay, and not a soft person by nature, and Fi almost feels like he's home. (Let Fi still have Atin, though, and Corr - don't leave him alone again.) Prudii hurt and alone with a wounded brother Null - A'den maybe, or Jaing, and they have never been hurt this badly before - who won't wake up, sick with terror and fear, getting them somewhere safe but not trusting the hospitals, not knowing who to call, who to trust, for the first time in his life not knowing what to do. But Ny is there too, or Parja, or both, and she has an idea. On and on like that. Ordo alone, maybe, and how that wrecks him - and then how he figures out how to keep going anyway. Solve the problem. Get his clan back. Piece by piece.

Have them have to rely on each other. Trust themselves. Solve each others' problems. Have them build those bonds together and be stronger for it. And when Kal's brought back into the fold in what feels like a lifetime later for all of them, have them not need him.

And if he's forgiven, if he stays, if he gets to rebuild his relationship with his children, that's all dependent on how he handles no longer being their everything.

[thelightismine]

     ❝ This love will be your downfall. ❞

[thelightismine]

Let's take a moment to appreciate how much of a badass Aayla is, and acknowledge how dirty TCW did my girl 😤

Hella strong will power, strong enough to resist the pheromones of a Falleen.

She breaks the mold for twi'lek women, a race that treats their women shitty and to be submissive and helpless.

She can handle herself, especially since she's underestimated.

She defeated Aurra Sing when Aurra was a fallen jedi. In this fight, Aayla sees what she would have become in Aurra if she had completley fallen to the dark side.

She can literally make herself disappear.

She's a little chaotic like her dad, with the force choking and what not.

She's super loving and compassionate, from cute animals to encouraging future female twi'lek jedi.

There's so much I could write about this amazing character, from her struggle with the dark side to her legendary fighting style.

It's upsetting, because of the limited amount of screen time on tcw, people don't truly know who she is. What's even more frustrating is that I know people would love the shit out of her, but instead, tcw fanbase loves a copy made from her.(No hate, but let's be honest, y'all know who I'm talking about.)

[thelightismine]

STAR WARS APPRECIATION WEEK 2022 Day 9: Favourite TV Show → Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008 - 2020) “If there’s one thing I’ve learned from you, Master, it’s that following direct orders isn’t always the best way to solve a problem.”

[thelightismine]

Sometimes I feel like the tragedy of people who say they like Kal Skirata fundamentally don’t understand him as a character. Kal is a hugely interesting, arguably tragic figure of the Republic Commando series. He’s a martyr, to the point of self destruction. He’s obsessed with the idea of being the best father, to the point of going through so many extremes to embody this idea of what a father should be, regardless of the consequences. 

The damage that was done to him, and the damage he inflicts on himself, are all tied to an inability to grow beyond the trauma of war, and the (arguable) parental abuse of his adoptive father who rescued him. He chased away every single person who ever cared about him because of his self destructive tendencies. because of his inability to listen. Because of his unwillingness to change and take outside input.

His wife left him and took their children with her because he wanted to take his sons, who were only 6 and 8 at the time, to the front lines of a war zone to raise them “the mando way.” He says this in the books. It’s not something extrapolated from the text, he says it.

His response to criticism is violence. His response to examining his past failures is to verbally beat someone else down. His response to someone acting outside of what he deems as acceptable is violence, whether verbal, emotional, or physical depending on who it is.

He loves so aggressively and explosively because violence is the only thing that’s been a true constant throughout his life. He has an obsessive need for control. He has an obsession with upholding a “true mandalorian ideal” of what a mandalorian should be, but not what they actually are.

And it bothers me to see people write Kal as someone who’s just a doting father, who would be accepting of anything and everything … because he wouldn’t be. he can’t be, because of his trauma. Because of the fundamental points in his life that caused him the greatest suffering are times when he is without control. And the books go out of their way to coddle, excuse, forgive, explain Kal’s motives and actions, but they’re still very much symptomatic of a man who needs to exercise extreme control on everyone and everything around him or he’ll fall apart … and that control is what causes everything to fall apart towards the end, and causes him to fall apart.

And it does the character, and it does the Nulls, a huge disservice, when people write Kal this way. Especially because people treat the Nulls as if they would include Kal in everything personal and private that they do, when because of the above, and in the books themselves, it’s actually shown that they … don’t. That they found ways around including him, especially when it’s personal. Especially when it’s private.

They don’t just go around Kal. they go around Ordo, because Ordo is always around Kal. They cut out one of their own closest brothers specifically to avoid sharing with Kal, and Kal comments on this. And it hurts Kal to know they do it, but he doesn’t confront them directly about it, despite the way he is. To be clear, cutting Ordo out to them may as well be the same as cutting off their own arm, but they still do it. They still did it.

These schisms in their character arcs, these personality flaws, these issues are all so integral to defining what their relationships are like, how they relate to one another, why Kal acts the way he does. Leaving it out because it’s inconvenient to acknowledge is … sad.  It’s a hurdle Kal isn’t fully aware he needs to jump in order to better his relationship with his sons, and it’s a hurdle the Nulls aren’t willing to bring up because Kal is metaphorically untouchable to them. It’s a huge point of contention between them, and … idk. I understand why people avoid it, but I really wish they … didn’t, or wouldn’t.

[thelightismine]

“Only on a planet such as Coruscant, with no forests left, no mountains unleveled, no streams left to run their own course, could the Force have become so clouded.”

Star Wars: Yoda - Dark Rendezvous

[thelightismine]

having recently re-read the Republic Commando books for the fiftieth time (but the first time as a proper adult), amongst many other things that jumped out at me this time, I've been pondering the Many Failings of Kal Skirata™ - and one thing that kept me awake the other night was the realisation that...it takes Kal ages between adopting Ordo and the rest of his brothers, right??

So I went back and did the math. Kal adopts Ordo in True Colours, soon after rescuing Vau on Mygeeto, at 471 days after the Battle of Geonosis (ABG). An excerpt from the scene below:

"I never adopted you formally," Skirata said. It had been bothering him in recent days, ever since he began to think of the war as having a definite timescale. "Any of you." "Does that matter?" Skirata now felt that it did. No Mando'ad would nitpick over the bond between him and his boys, and as far as the Republic was concerned clones didn't even qualify as people, but his plans to give them a decent future had now become very, very specific. [...] "Yes," he said. He reached to grasp Ordo's hand and recited the short, no-frills gai bal manda - "name and soul," all it took to unpick history and give a child a new parentage. Mandalorians were habitual adopters. Bloodlines were just medical detail. "Ni kyr'tayl gai sa'ad, Ordo." Ordo stared at their clasped hands for a moment. He had a crushing grip. "I've been your son since the day you first saved my life, Buir." "I think you boys did the saving," Skirata said. "I don't want to imagine where I'd be without you." Skirata was now busy hating himself for not doing this before, not making the ultimate commitment, and he fretted about his five other Nulls scattered around the galaxy.

And having re-read this section in detail, it now baffles me even further that it takes him - wait for it - ANOTHER YEAR AND ~THREE MONTHS to adopt the other five Nulls??

Yes, that's correct. Kal adopts the other five Nulls in Order 66, in the scene where they all come together 'on screen' for the first time, which is set 940 days ABG. That is 469 days after he formally adopted Ordo.

At the time KT wrote these books, according to Legends, one standard year is 368 days, with 12 months of 30 days each. If I've crunched correctly, Kal adopts the other five Nulls roughly fifteen and a half months later than Ordo.

And OHHHH:

The meal was as much a rare celebration as a meeting, and the Nulls even had a few glasses of Chandrilan wine. "I should have done this many years ago, adi'ke." Skirata raised his glass. "Ni kyr'tayl gai sa'ad - Mereel, Jaing, Kom'rk, A'den, Prudii. There. It's formal, legal. You're my sons and heirs." "And we won't bankrupt you," Jaing muttered. "Not with the amount you're skimming, ner vod," Mereel said raising his glass in return. "Thank you, Buir'ika. An honor." At least one cause for guilt had been lifted from Ordo's shoulders. He was no longer the only Null formally adopted by Skirata. It was a legal detail, nothing more, but Ordo didn't want to be singled out as the favorite. He already felt he had a far easier time than his brothers.

what do you MEAN you just went on and forgot to do it, despite seeing them and speaking to them regularly for over a year, Kal?! yikes

Reading this back again, all I could think was - poor Ordo. It's explicitly stated here that he had been feeling and still feels guilty. Imagine living with the knowledge that your father had only formally adopted you, and not the other five of your closest brothers, for OVER A YEAR- (I will keep yelling it I'm not over it)

When they all make jokes about him being the Number One Son. When they all tease him for being the favourite. How do you think this knowledge affected Ordo’s relationship with his brothers?? Not wanting to mention it?? Do you think he ever did?? How do you think they reacted if they knew he was already adopted prior to this??

Not to mention, how does Kal not see this as something that might cause an issue for Ordo?? With how much he loves him??

I find their reactions interesting, because if they didn't know, they play it very cool. I'm leaning towards they did know, Ordo didn't just sit on this knowledge for over a year, maybe couldn't - because otherwise, why is no one asking why Kal left him out of the list? Why is their only reaction calm pleasantries?

Possibly because they don't care about formal adoption that much - it's worth noting Ordo's reaction is also to kind of brush it all away: "I've been your son since the day you first saved my life, Buir."

(I think it also opens up a bigger discussion about Ordo's role within his brothers as...almost a shield between Kal and his brothers, able to take the brunt of Kal's...manipulations to spare them the same attention - I wonder if they don't care as much about their adoptive status because it doesn't mean nearly as much to them as it does to Kal, because Kal doesn't rule them as much as he'd like to think he does. It’s interesting how Ordo is both uncomfortable with the position as Number One Son but also sees its…strategic value?? He states earlier in the scene that he'll swap drafts with Kom'rk because it's "his turn" to explore the Outer Rim, but as far as we know, he never actually does this - despite missing each other dearly, often, do the other Nulls willingly take missions that get them away from Kal? Which is why Ordo is almost never shown being anywhere that Kal isn't? Also the irony that so many people laugh at Maze for being a highly trained ARC being "wasted" in an office job, but Ordo also as far as we see never does anything flashier, nothing that couldn't be handled by a less superior officer, nothing that's far from Kal's side...)

ANYWAY

I’m just baffled as to how Kal didn’t think immediately after adopting Ordo “and now the other five” - my man, what took you so long?? If you love them all as you say you do??

HMMMM

[thelightismine]

bring back tumblr ask culture let me. bother you with questions and statements

[thelightismine]

we’re going to have to call smut ‘lemons’ again, aren’t we? 

[thelightismine]

[thelightismine]

REBLOG IF NAZIS OFFEND YOU MORE THAN NIPPLES.

[thelightismine]

okay but more on Jesse’s body language during the ‘execution’ scene

Jesse was so clearly not down for this, and if the look of horror on his face when Rex brings the news, subsequent impassioned speech, and his whole “Yeah, speak for yourself!” line to Fives isn’t enough to convince you, if you watch him throughout this scene, he is so deeply uncomfortable with what is going on -

After being asked if they would request to be blindfolded, notice how Fives stands solid as Jesse nervously glances his way, perhaps hoping Fives will have his trademark Balls™ and say something to stop this?? Where are the superiors here?? Is this really happening??

This contrast to Fives’ resoluteness is a continued theme, notice how Jesse is the one making nervous quips in the lead up as Fives stays silent:

Then after Fives’ dramatic speech (thank god for that because Rex was certainly not showing any signs of jumping in) and the ordering of the execution, LOOK:

Fives: concerned, surprised, but steady, stayed mostly standing, breaking into a small smile afterwards when he realises what he said worked

Jesse: PANIC, TERROR, CONFUSION, I DUCKED, FUCK ME, I CANNOT BELIEVE THE DAY I’M HAVING

Basically whilst Fives may have accepted his fate for the mission, Jesse most certainly did not, and seems pretty peeved that no one is listening to reason (or him! Fives totally dismisses his “who said I was joking” line??). Totally support the theory that post-Umbara he found it hard to process and fully trust Rex/the 501st and may have become an ARC trooper shortly afterwards in order to gain some distance from these traumatic events

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk 

[thelightismine]

We’ve been waiting long enough, where’s Mambo #6

[thelightismine]

Why does no one seem to be talking about how TERRIFYING it must have been for Fives and Jesse to face that firing squad? To stand up against that wall and face their brothers ending their lives for something they thought was the right thing?

Jesse watching Fives protest again, heart beating fast, mouth dry, hands clammy, staring down the barrels of rifles he knows far too well, Fives trying to persuade the firing squad not to do it, that this is wrong, thinking oh dear god here he goes again running his ARC mouth getting us killed

They came this close to being shot to death by their own brothers at the behest of a cruel leader (and maybe would have been if Fives hadn’t spoken up?? What would you have done then, Rex? How would you have dealt with that in the end?) and no one is talking about how SCARRING that must have been for them??

Let alone for everyone firing at them

[thelightismine]

i hate when ur in public somewhere and something goes mildly wrong/something inconvenient happens and the nearest baby boomer tries to get you to complain with them

[thelightismine]

you can make nearly any object into a good insult if you put ‘you absolute’ in front of it

example: you absolute coat hanger