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[theloreofrs]

The Life and Times of Brandon Bellamy, RuneScape Aficionado

A Blast from the Past

It all happened so quickly. One minute Pete was all smiles and giggles, the next, he was a raging maniac. Pete grabbed Danny by the collar and he let out a series of shrill screams. Danny was petrified, so he opened the driver-side door and tumbled out. I was alone now, and I didn't know how to feel about it. I didn't dare try to calm him down, in the past such actions earned me quick slaps across the face. Pete was red all over, he was rocking himself in the fetal position, and he suddenly screamed, "My rage hath no bounds!!!!!" He started pumping his fist in the air vigorously, shaking as he did, then he started speaking in tongues angrily. At the peak of his anger, Pete grabbed a bobble head that was sitting on the dashboard and proceeded to shove it up his ass. I couldn't believe my eyes, I turned away in embarrassment. How could he be so lewd? But then again, is this not the man who saved me from loneliness all those years ago? Those grimy hands that I remember so well, those were the hands that carried me, cared for me, saved me. But then again, this man with the kind heart and the dirty, scummy hands, is he not a total mad man? Yes, he is indeed! How could I fall for someone like that, build a life with someone like that? But then again, what is love? Love is having a million reasons to leave, but staying anyway. If I truly loved this man, then I could endure the episodes of slaps I was sure to receive, I can endure the filth, the grime, that covered every inch of his body, from the two hairs on his head to the dirt underneath his toenails. It disgusted me, of course, but he was the man for me. In fact, if there was anything in the world that I was certain of, well by Saradomin, it must be this! A loud scream from Pete broke my concentration and I was brought back to reality. I looked over at the shaking mess that was Pete. I prepared myself, I must save him!

[theloreofrs]

The Life and Times of Brandon Bellamy, RuneScape Aficionado

Psycho Pete

"Brandon? Brandon, is that really you?" I couldn't believe my own ears. Did I really know this strange man? I tried to reach back to the depths of my own mind. It was dark and scary. Fuzzy images of my first meal of sweer potatoes and chicken nuggers flashed before my eyes. The nostalgic sound of tutorial island rang in my ears. And finally. Yes there he was. The image of Psycho Pete had been ingrained in my memory since that fateful day I first laid my eyes on his wretched soul.

Suddenly the memories of our encounters came flooding back to me like a wave of sewage. I could see it all so vividly now. I could see myself and Psycho Pete, fishing for crayfish together, laughing our asses off! I remembered the days we would spend in the sewers, looking for treasure. Such joyous days! I looked at Psycho Pete and a feeling of warmness crept over me. I could feel my face blushing, my muscles grew weak. Am I in love?

"Brandon!!! My man! Where have you been lately? I haven't seen you in years boy!" screeched Psycho Pete. I was brought back to my senses by his question. "Oh," I laughed nervously, suddenly at a loss for words. Psycho Pete gave me a confused look, he seemed hurt. "So is that all you have to say to me after all these years?! You fake," he sneered. "Don't you remember our adventures? The sewers??! Come on Brandon." I felt horrible, like a monkey without his chip, a pirate without his booty. How could I have hurt Pete like this? I felt awful, but before I could answer, Danny interrupted, "Wait, you guys would go to the sewers? Isn't it dirty? And why were you down there?" Pete answered, "Well, we would strip out of our clothes, so they wouldn't get dirty. And we would look for things, like coins and rings." Danny looked disgusted, "So you two walked around the sewers, naked, looking for coins and rings?" Pete answered proudly and with a smirk of confidence, "Yep!" He suddenly got a crazed look in his eyes, "Do you have a problem with that Danny?" Right then and there I bared witness to a wonderful display of true insanity. I suddenly remembered why Pete, earned his title.

[theloreofrs]

The Life and Times of Brandon Bellamy, RuneScape Aficionado

Troll Toll

“Oi! You want a ride?” Danny Devito yelled from behind the steering wheel. I was taken aback. Never had I met a man as devilish looking as he. I hesitate. My inexperience with that bright yellow automobile hindered me. But adventurous as I was, as I always had been, I ran to the vehicle and screamed when I realized...oh do my eyes deceive me? The driver!!! Standing at only 2 ft tall. A dwarf? But why does his face look like he's taking a marvelous shit? I recognize this unique redness to the face! It's a damn drunken dwarf! Finally, a familiar face. A friend. I feel at home once again despite the oddities of the new world.

I rummaged in my pockets, looking for change to pay for my fare. All I could find was a piece of lint and a handful of legumes. My face burned red with embarrassment. How reckless of me to just hop into a cab, knowing that I'm just a lowly peasant? With not a nickel to my name!! Danny Devito looked over and saw what I held in my palms. He began shrieking with laughter and he playfully stuck his tongue out, revealing the white scum caked onto his tongue, thick as lardy butter. With a chortle, he said, "You gotta pay the troll toll! Gotta pay to get in!"

Disgust washed over me like a tsunami. My whole body shook and I felt the world spinning around me. Round and round. It felt like all I could see was the white scum, my vision blurred, everything around me was white. Danny Devito disregarded my obvious disgust and continued chattering on and on. I couldn't seem to focus on his words, my ears were ringing, beads of sweat began to form on my forehead. Danny Devito was laughing about something, and he playfully hit my shoulder. This was the final straw, his touch sent me over the edge. I held my composure for as long as I could muster, but I couldn't take it anymore, everything seemed to fall apart. I screamed, a blood curdling scream! I clawed at my own face, and I began foaming at the mouth. Danny Devito became quiet and just stared at me in astonishment. He stopped the cab to let a man in. The man was tall, lanky, and looked like he hadn't showered in years. I recognized him, he went by the name Psycho Pete.

[theloreofrs]

Anonymous said:

Have you done a dramatic reading of “the chicken nugger” post?

Now I have.

[theloreofrs]

The Life and Times of Brandon Bellamy, RuneScape Aficionado

A Sweer Potato in this Trying Time

I started to think about my previous life, when everything was all good in the hood. I had so many comrades back then, but now I have no one. In this life, the only company I have is from the sewer rats that scurry past my bare feet. The only kindness I receive is from the muggers running around the street. In a way, this is my new family. One of them suddenly approached me, he spoke, "Ay, can I offer you a nice sweer potato in this trying time?" I couldn't believe my damn ears. I must've looked especially povo today, for a mugger, a lowly mugger, to take pity on me. I had too much pride to accept this kind gift. So, I kindly refused, "Get the hell out of my face, you lowly grunt!!!" I launched a handful of dirt into his face to make my position clear. Adamant even. The mugger whimpered and ran off, leaving behind the sweer potato. Saradomin be with you, I thought with the shake of my head.

My knees buckled and I sank down to the  ground. I looked down at the sweer potato and I couldn’t help but salivate. The biggest temptation, and there it was, right at my feet! I couldn’t believe it, I almost heaved, from the excitement of it all. But I couldn't… I knew there was no way. My pride just could not justify such a shameful act!! But the sweer potato!! There it was, lying in a pile of dirt yet it still looked so scrumptious. So delicious. Ready to be eaten by none other than me!!! Yes!!! I could feel it now. Feel it right in my throat!!! Oh Saradomin, why do you do this to me? Tempt me with the delicacies of the earth but cover it in grime and poverty. The shame… Oh, the utter shame… Before I could even stop myself, I saw my fingers clamp around the sweet treat. I didn’t hesitate, I stuffed it straight into my mouth, and swallowed it whole, grease dribbling down my chin. My eyes rolled to the back of my head in sweet ecstasy. The sweet ecstasy of Saradomin.  I couldn’t contain my emotions!!!!!!!!!!!!! Auhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! But I was suddenly brought back to reality by the honking of a yellow taxi cab.

[theloreofrs]

The Life and Times of Brandon Bellamy, RuneScape Aficionado

The Golden Spoon

They say you never really appreciate things until they are gone. This, I learned the hard way. My name is Brandon Bellamy and I come from a small town in upstate New York. My parents raised me to the best of their ability; they gave me everything a kid could ask for. I attended the top schools, wore the best clothes, and drove the most exclusive cars. My mother is ranked as the top open heart surgeon in New York. My father is a former olympic track star, who now owns and manages the Buffalo Bills restaurant chain. One can say that I was fed with a golden spoon all of my life.  But, on December 19, my life was ruined because of my bad decisions.

I’m sitting here in my cardboard box, feeling the bitter wind chilling my bones. It is only a few days before Christmas and all I can think about is how much better my life was last year. Last year, I felt the warmth of hot chocolate in my hands. I was so warm. So happy. But now, all has changed. It starts to hail out of nowhere. When natural disasters such as this occur, I wonder whether all of my decisions were worth it. I look up at the sky and get hit by thousands of tiny daggers. This is my self-punishment. I deserve to be in this box. I begin to secrete a liquid from my mucous membranes but I understand that this, too, I deserve.

I looked up at the gray sky, silently thanking the big man upstairs for all the filthy squalor I now live in in, because i needed this wake-up call, tbh. I swear, by the power of Saradomin, I will overcome this hurdle. This single hurdle. The phlegm that tries so hard to conquer me shall not. I will be triumphant. Mark my words. I shake my fist at the heavens above but stop when I think about the anger that the head honcho must feel as I do this. I cannot anger him. To anger Saradomin himself is to call oneself a Zamorak worshipper. Though I may be at my lowest, I could never… no. Not today. Not in this lifetime. To Saradomin, I yell my apologies. I look around, hoping no one has heard my shrieks. But of course, Saradomin behold, someone has.  The stranger looked at me in confusion, brow furrowed, he spat in my face and screamed, “Filthy swine!!!!!" As expected of a Zammy fanboy. I could tell by the platebody he wore. The red trim that angered me so. Angered me so much that I could just kill myself right then and there. I stood up from my cardboard box, and spat directly into his face with pleasure. Like a miracle, the spit flew past the grates of his full helm and hit him directly in the eye. The Zamorak worshipper reeled back, flailing his arms like the savage he is. I started to scream for joy but of course, the bane of my existence, the phlegm came back with the force of a thousand veragos. I could not breathe and began to gasp for air, hoping that my devotion to Saradomin would allow him to help me in my most vulnerable moment. I began to tear up, which only blinded my vision and handicapped me even more. Where was that damn swine?! But it didn't matter The amount of pain I was in had my full attention. I cried and cried. Wept and sobbed.