therapistinmyhead - Tumblr blog

[therapistinmyhead]

Ok so I already made a post about this but I deleted it because I didn’t like the way I phrased it.

Basically I’m a maladaptive dreamer and I’ve lost hours because I keep drifting into my mind filled with unhealthy scenarios that would never come true to begin with.

At first I thought that this was something everyone did, but then I found out it was an actual disorder. I didn’t think it was so bad, but I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that it’s actually really unhealthy and I could be doing to many other things that would affect me more more positively. However, by that time I’d already fallen down the rabbit hole of my own fantasies, trapped in a mind of my own making, and I couldn’t stop myself.

I love waking up and turning on my phone and working on my stories on it. It helps wake me up (you’ve heard of the no electronics an hour before you fall asleep; it’s actually because the light stops you from being able to fall asleep, in the morning it actually helps you wake up faster) and it helps me crank out some writing. Throughout the whole day I actually feel more invigorated and ready to keep working on my writing.

However, my maladaptive dreaming stuck me in some sort of awake coma. My mind immediately went to indulge in some random fantasy and no matter how much I wanted to I couldn’t shake myself out of it.

I could barely manage to get up in the morning. It got in the way of my work and despite me feeling like it was my only source for happiness, it made me even more depressed.

This is when I realised how bad it actually was and that this was in fact a psychiatric condition and not some cool superpower. It was a drug my mind needed to keep going; I thought I would lose my mind if I stayed in the real world for too long.

Then I came up with Hamilton.

Hamilton was a spur of the moment thing. I felt myself slipping away while doing work to go crawl through a muddy pond as I sought to reclaim my kingdom with my girlfriend right behind me.

I told myself to get it together. I told myself to stop. And slowly I dragged my concentration back to my work and left my fantasy behind to shatter like glass. And then I randomly said “Thanks Hamilton”.

And so Hamilton was born. I can’t talk about it because it’s not real, it’s a made up therapist living in my head. It’s got no traits. It doesn’t have a body, just a faint voice, accent ever changing. If I think about it for too long (like fourth-wall maladaptive dreaming) another voice yells at me to stop.

And I do.

Now every time I feel myself attempting to dig back into my unhealthy dreams I hear Hamilton tell me no, and if that doesn’t work I think “Cmon Hamilton”. And slowly, excruciatingly, I’m pulled back into the real world. And then I thank it again.

“Thanks Hamilton.”

Now I’m not directly blaming myself which is unhealthy, I’m not directly complimenting myself which feels egotistical, but on some level I know that I am the person that’s working on stopping this and that makes me fiercely proud of myself.

Occasionally, I’ll want to be able to converse with people like a regular human being, and I’ll imagine scenarios where I say something and can actually carry a conversation with the other person. And Hamilton tells me “Why not say that?” so I do and it works and I make friends and it’s an amazing feeling.

Hamilton hasn’t been there for very long, not with a name at least, but already I can’t imagine how I managed to do anything without it. I’ve become conscious of many times I’ve attempted to bury myself in my fantasies, pulled myself away from it, thanked Hamilton, and just been fully astounded at how many hours I must have lost with these unhealthy daydreams.

I posted this here because anywhere else it would sound crazy, and I was thinking it might be able to help some people here too, if they see it.

Sorry this is so long.

[therapistinmyhead]

I know it’s really difficult when stuff like that happens. Try focusing on the stuff you can control, and if you still want to do sports you can do something that doesn’t require your lower leg muscles, or try something new altogether like baking. I’m sure your fiancé doesn’t care about how this might (if it even does) affect her reputation, but you should talk about it if it’s bothering you (focusing on smaller worries slowly unburden the bigger ones). I hope the difficulties pass soon, they’ll make you stronger. Hold out for better days ❤️

Have had a really rough week and needed to create a space where i could just talk.

So pretty much most of my life is good; I have a loving fiancé, my family and friends love and support me, my work life is good and I’m just about to start an exciting new job, but this week i got diagnosed with a muscular and nerve disorder in my lower legs and i’ve had to cease all sport. I’m a very active guy so it’s been a tough thing to process really. I’ve never had a big injury in my adult and teen life so i’m used to being able to do pretty much anything of interest. I’ve had to tell my struggling football club where i’m on of the captains the diagnosis and they were all supportive and understanding but i’ve been really struggling mentally. I’ve been having rolling panic and anxiety attacks, i’ve been eating less and less, waking up at 3am and struggling to sleep again, and i’ve started seeing my psychologist again. I feel like an important part of the club and am worried that my absence is going to cause everything to collapse. We get beaten every game and with injuries we are even worse off now, I suspect the club will surely fold soon and expect people to walk out and i feel responsible for that despite having no choice about the diagnosis. I know it’s not very rational but even just writing this makes feelings of anxiety build up in me. My partner also plays football at the club and i feel bad for her and worry my diagnosis will effect her reputation somehow.

I’ve never struggled with prolonged feelings of anxiety and panic. Is anyone able to help me understand why i feel so panicked and anxious about a diagnosis that i can’t control? My psychologist said that feelings of intense anxiety can just hang around longer than expected and will pass but man i hate feeling this way!

[therapistinmyhead]

Happy International Ace Day

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