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[thereseoutspoken]

20 Things I loved about my Manila trip

1. It was my first solo flight.

2. The airport, although busy, was not chaotic.

3. The ecstatic feeling of seeing Benedict by the doorway— slowly coming to get me at the lobby of the fancy dorm he was staying at in 4th Street.

4. Eating Burgers on the rooftop; St. Jude is overlooking. As we reminisced our flop eras in the same location two years back, I could no longer see sadness in Ben’s eyes especially when he gazed at Aldrich, saying, “Masaya na ako ngayon.” Aldrich smiled, not showing much reaction nor saying much words, but you know the love is overflowing. It’s the love I wish for Ben. A love that assures, a love he deserves.

5. The vibe of Escolta and how I loved First United Building’s Hub Make Lab

6. Enjoying a punny thrift shop named Glorious Diaz

7. The authentic milktea at Wai Ying

8. I came back to Intramuros, my favorite city of all. I love everything about it—the feels, the architecture, how no one seems to care if people keep on taking pictures of themselves or the buildings, and the best shops in it. I have to say, though… I’m not very fond of the Kalesa.

9. Buying vintage, artsy trinkets and eating snacks at Tesoro’s while the sunlight beamed through the window, kissing our skin, warming our necks before it bursted rain in the evening

10. The photowalk Ben and I did from Escolta to Binondo, Intramuros to Ermita— not minding my feet getting blisters from the only sandals I brought with me.

11. The late night talks as if we didn’t chitchat the entire day while walking or eating

12. How this trip turned out to be a Taylor Swift immersion, dissecting lyrics and cursing TS at how smart she was for coming up with remarkable songs

13. I rode Angkas wearing a flowy dress going to my cousin’s wedding. Along Malate, I saw my relatives caught in a crash. I wanted to stop the ride, but we were on green light. Although 2 of my family weren’t able to join the wedding since they had to process the police report, We’re all still so thankful to God. It could’ve gotten worse, but we’re glad they were safe.

14. I met cousins I only knew on social media. In an instant, I fell in love with them.

15. The wedding was dainty and lively and everyone’s happy. It was one for the books.

16. The taste of freedom and liberation being in the big city. No curfews, no one to stop me from breaking free.

17. Wearing clothes on clothes just to maintain a below 7 kilo hand carry baggage

18. Saying good bye to Mendiola Peace Arch, Ben standing below it. It was a happy farewell, for I know I’ll see Ben again and I’ll be back in the city capital in no time.

19. Being able to sit on the window seat of the plane.

20. Witnessing the sunset 31,000 feet from the ground; realizations sinking that the trip might be over, but the memories will last forever.

[thereseoutspoken]

Manila Paradox: A City of Beautiful Chaos

Our trip to Manila was one goal we wanted to achieve before the year ends. As early as May, my friend Gene and I (along with other close friends who were only able to make it on the planning stage hahaha) already planned to travel to the National Capital Region and perhaps have side trips to Northern Luzon. I personally also wanted to visit Benedict who pursued his dreams of taking up Fine Arts around U-belt. 

It was funny how impulsive we chose the dates, the length of our stay, and paid for the tickets in a snap of a finger. “Let’s worry about our accommodation and pocket money soon. For now, at least we’re already booked for November.” We always told each other that. Almost every month. Until October came and we still haven’t booked a place at Airbnb, and we still haven’t reached our goal to save up enough money for the trip. But things really do fall into place when it’s meant to be, because luckily at the last minute, I was able to reserve us a place at Bagumbayan, Taguig for such an affordable price and we were able to bring enough money (though we had to be extra frugal) for our MNL escapade. 

The whole stay was liberating. I did things I never got to do in my hometown. It was actually my first time to be away from home for a week without supervision and for leisure purposes only. Even our arrival was already an adventure itself. We arrived at the airport around 3:40PM and no one was there to fetch us. Clueless and heavily dependent on an app called Sakay.ph (and also guards and vendors we were able to meet on the way), Gene and I took on the bustling, complicated roads of the Metro with our heavy baggage. We had to ask several times from drivers, guards, and MMDAs which way to go because we often mistakenly rode the wrong jeepney. To sum up our first day, we arrived at the apartment almost 8 in the evening— after 3 jeepney rides, 2 tricycle rides, and an excruciating traffic.

But that was not the only challenge during the trip. There was a time when we went to UST because Gene wanted to visit the school. But because there was a BAR exam going on, we weren’t able to roam around much so we decided to just go to SM Manila. The only problem was that we did not know how to get there. So we asked an officer nearby. “Kung gusto niyong makasakay agad, dun kayo sa Kambal na Simbahan sumakay. Mga dalawang kalye lang mula rito.” But jokes on us we’ve gone through almost nine streets and there was still no sign of Kambal na Simbahan. So we asked a vendor again for the directions but lo, she said, “Ha? Eh nasa kanan ang kambal na simbahan, neng. Kung pupunta kayong SM Manila dun kayo sa kaliwa sumakay. Pag nakita niyo yung Mercury Drug, tawid kayo tapos dun na kayo makakasakay ng jeep.” Confused and tired from walking, we just followed what she said and we continuously walked until we could see a Mercury Drug signage but to my surprise, as I turned to my left, I already saw Centro Escolar University. And I know the place because we’ve been there to visit Benedict inside Mendiola Arch! That’s when we realized we walked all the way from España to Mendiola. And just when I thought we were already failing at our quest, we finally rode a jeepney going to SM… Sta. Mesa HAHAHA.

One of the many “independent” things I did all by myself was to commute from one place to another. Gene went to Quezon City to visit his relatives so I had 2 days to myself. I rode the LRT alone several times and I loved it. I went back to Intramuros alone just to buy the exact ref magnet I bought the day before but forgot to put inside my bag. I also went to the National Museum of Natural History only to have my photo hazily taken by the staff (but it was totally okay!), and rode the suffocating MRT (which I thought would make me faint because I’m asthmatic and a little bit claustrophobic) from Taft to QC. Nevertheless, those were small achievements I credited myself because I always told myself, “If you really want to work and live here, you better learn how to commute and not fully rely on Grab or Angkas (though at times during rush hour, I just chose to ride Angkas, or when it was past midnight I/we just opted for Grab).

To sum everything up, this trip was way, way, waaayyyy far from how I imagined it to be. I actually thought we could visit Baguio or Vigan but we weren’t able to. Instead, we caught up with long time friends in the northeast and spent time with our respective families. I thought I could meet up with someone I was always in contact with for a couple of months, but instead I met with someone from the past in the most unexpected way. I imagined the trip to be smooth and easy but I cannot imagine how many times we had to get down from one jeepney to another because it was leading us to a different route. I anticipated a major splurging on souvenirs and delicacies but instead, Gene and I often took turns paying for each others’ fare if one was broke for the day. But did I actually want it to be another way around? No. This one was far better than what I had in mind. 

On everyday’s hustle where we constantly walked under the scorching heat— not to mention my wrong choice of footwear on all the days we traversed, I found fulfillment at the end of the day. Everyday as I got home tired, I was immediately excited for tomorrow’s whereabouts. I found healing in the same place someone who broke my heart existed. And amidst dealing with emotional pain, I was rewarded with the gift of reconciliation to start a new friendship out of a bad past. 

Manila was definitely chaotic. You’d easily get lost if you’re new in the place (i.e. me and Gene). It was noisy, it was too hot you could be dehydrated in an instant if you’re immune system is weak, and the traffic was hellish. But in ways I can’t explain, I found beauty in it. Maybe this was what Benedict was referring to all along— that Manila is a beautiful chaos. It was most certainly the place my parents warned me about— disorderly, prone to danger, and expensive. I can’t say they were wrong, but I also cannot deny the fact that I found satisfaction in it; Everyday was a different hustle to survive, but I was more ready to deal with it than deal with my routinary life in CDO. I became genuinely happy in a locality outside my comfort zone. It was the kind of happiness I haven’t experienced for so long. It was a one great experience that positively changed my mindset when I got home in CDO. Somehow my anxieties and inhibitions lessened, and that’s when I confirmed that this travel really did me good. 

Now I can finally say our impulsive decisions from mid-May to June were all worth it. Seeing Benedict after months apart was worth it. The change of plans were all undoubtedly worth it. So here’s to growth, independence, healing, and 24,000 steps we fulfilled everyday by walking— all brought to us by the PH capital. (Also, here’s to hoping that soon my parents will let me work and live in Manila after proving I was self-reliant in my first liberating trip!)

One travel down, a hundred more to go! 

[thereseoutspoken]

10 things I wish I knew (and told myself) at 20

20 is still a very young age

When I just became 20, I felt like I was a full grown woman, for the very reason that I was already out of my teenage years. I felt like I was already mature, and independent, and I felt like I should be serious with my life because I am already old enough. I couldn’t say these assumptions were all wrong. But I wish I could have told myself that 20 is still a very young age. It was an end chapter for my teen spirit, but twenty is only the beginning of a new one. Basically, at this age, you shouldn’t feel too old yet. Yes, you can still play dress ups on Friv, feel giddy over a childish crush, not know how to use the ATM machine, and still want your mom’s assistance during dental check ups. You have your entire life ahead of you to grow and learn. Right now, at twenty, just take things slow.

     2. Taking risks is different from gambling. Avoid the latter.

I have been told countless times by friends (and even the guy I fell in love with) that I should learn how to take risks. I should have listened. At times I am such a coward for not even trying. So yes, I should have listened when they said I should take some risks. But when they told me to take risks even though things are uncertain, I’m going to get hurt, or even if it’s not worth it, I disagreed. Know how to take risks… and when to take risks. Sometimes taking risks even if it’s not worth it could lead to so much pain, which also requires a great amount of time for healing. You could have used the time for healing for waiting on something you could have deserved at the right time, but instead you used it for risking on something uncertain and unworthy (At least there’s the learning part, though). So I tell you this: learn to take risks at the right circumstance. Do not gamble on ambivalence.Because part of taking risks is knowing (and internalizing) what’s at stake.

      3. You will fall in love with the wrong person and you don’t need to force them to be the right one.

Part of growing up is learning to open your heart to love. And part of loving is welcoming the pain, and accepting the things that are beyond our control. Sometimes, when we fall in love, we set aside their bad qualities because we love them. Sometimes it gets toxic and the hurt never stops yet we remain because again, we love them.

We just love the person so much that we want to make them better by changing them, or we change for them to adapt to their standards. But that shouldn’t be the way it is. If you want to change, do it for yourself and not for others, the same way change should transpire to them. It’s not your role to change who people are. More than that, you can’t make them right for you when they are obviously the wrong one.

I get that it’s not love if it doesn’t hurt, but if it puts you in agony more than it makes you feel safe and secured, then it’s not the love you deserve. Self-worth over feelings. At all times.

That’s why when you fall for the wrong person, don’t force them to be the right one. You’ll just end up draining yourself because you will be the only one left trying to keep the relationship together.

    4. As much as you will gain new friends, you will also lose some and that’s okay.

Every year I meet new people who, in the long run, become friends. That didn't change when I was 20. I established such awesome relationships with new friends and it felt so good—extending my circle a little bigger. But as much as I gained new companions, I also lost some. Some were because of big fights, others were just…well, we simply grew apart and realized we didn't need each other for our personal growths. At first I felt disappointed that it had to end that way. But then a vlogger said in one of her YouTube videos that “you don't grow up if you don't lose friends.” And I started to think that yes, she was right. In order for you to grow, you have to let go of what's keeping you from being a better version of yourself. If your relationship with anyone gets toxic, drop it. If it's not doing you any good anymore, calmly walk away. Part of growing up is letting go of what's hindering you from flourishing. Just be thankful for the ones who stayed and bid your silent farewell for the ones who left (or needed to leave).

    5. Start planning what’s next for you

You don’t need to figure everything out all at once. Life is still a blur at 20. But that shouldn’t stop you from envisioning what’s next for you. Commonly, at 20, people are already looking for a job, planning out their career path especially after graduation. I couldn’t say I wasn’t pressured looking at my friends being busy making resumes, travelling to different towns, being  wanted by two or more companies, and there I was… not knowing what to do with my life.

I don’t regret where I’m at in life right now. But if I could turn back time, I wish I’d have made concrete plans for my future self. 

    6. Try something new, even if you start out being bad at it.

I am always known for being a writer. If my name gets mentioned to people who barely know me, they usually say “you know, the journalist” or “the writer-slash-editor from Crusader”. A part of me is happy and proud that I have already established that image for myself. But somehow, I wanted to do new things. I wanted to branch out from writing because I felt like writing was the only craft I knew what to do; so I delved into photography. I always had a thing for good photos and also aspired to shoot such epic sceneries or emotions. I didn't have the equipment though, so I just borrowed from friends. I had a couple of photos published in the official page of the student pub, and also had several shoots with friends. But I knew I wasn't that good yet. I still had a hard time with the camera settings, my photos get blurred most of the times, and I still had a lot to learn. But the worst thing about exploring new things is being discouraged to excel at it. I have been told I am not considered as an artist, or that I should just stick to writing, or I should stop feeling like I'm an artist. Aside from the fact that my skills in photography aren't really that exceptional to be worthy of a handshake or an “artist” label, I gave up on photography because the people around me didn't believe in me the same way I put myself down for not being good enough.

And that was one of my regrets. I should have told myself that “hey, it's okay. You are still a beginner. Allow yourself to learn and improve.” I focused too much on my insecurities and other people's comments that I had to let the craft go. But now, I will pursue it once more.

You, wanting to learn more is okay. You, starting out as a loser is definitely normal. But you, surrendering because you feel like it's not for you just because you suck at it or people discourage you, is undeniably unacceptable. You do you. Soon you will be great at it and you will thank yourself for not giving up.

    7. 20 isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. Bask in the rain, overcome the storms.

The day I officially left the teenage life, I asked 20 to be better. 19 was rough for me, so I hoped 20 would be a lot easier, with a more stable emotional and mental state. Buuuutttt, I was wrong. It was actually pretty worse. Right now I’m just laughing at those struggles, but back in the day, I didn’t even know how to make it through the storm.

Needless to say, if 20 was a weather, she’d be a moody bitch, because it wasn’t consistently bad. There were also good days where I was thankful to just relax in the pouring rain or be happy because of the sunshine that reflects my soul. Actually, this doesn’t only apply when you’re 20. You can experience hardships and get through with it at any age. And that’s what makes surviving beautiful— you get to witness seasons and the weather change, and through it all you can finally say, “I made it past the gloomy days.”  

    8. Start being extra responsible.

I always wanted to work in Manila, but my parents do not quite agree with that plan. My mom would say things like, “Who would take care of you there?”, “Are you sure you’re responsible enough to live on your own?”. When I get sick or fail to do what she instructed me to do, she’d say, “See? You don’t even know how to take care of yourself.”, “You can’t be that irresponsible when you are in Manila.” So I thought about it for a long time. I know I am independent. But am I responsible?

I changed my goal from wanting to prove my mom that she was wrong, to proving myself that I can make things work on my own. Now I do things that adults do, like getting a TIN card, or spending for myself with no allowance from my parents. Maybe these are just little things, but they are stepping stones to being a responsible adult.

You have to think like you’re preparing yourself to live in Manila or any place far from home. Imagine how you can handle things without their financial support or physical guidance. Not only will you learn not to rely on them all the time, you’ll also grow and learn new things that can help you in the long run.

    9. Invest on things that you feel would help you be better.

Being 20 for me was full of negativity. A lot of things made me feel bad, and in result I got emotional and would often cry. But I learned that just like medicines, there are things in life that could relieve you from pain. All you have to do is invest on the ones that could make you be or feel better. In my case, I invested more on my spiritual growth. Some of you may not be (so) religious, but trust me when I say you have a God you can rely on. If you lift your inhibitions and worries to him, he will lighten your load.

Another thing worthy to invest on is self-care. I have been such a mess and would often cry in desperation because I didn't know how to get rid of the emotional pain I was feeling. But a good friend of mine, Winstar, made me a pinterest board full of tips on how to handle anxiety and execute self-care. It was great being reminded that I had to make myself better and I had to focus on my well-being, too.

    10. You are at your own pace

There are times when I can’t help but feel jealous over people who, at such a young age are already successful. While I’m just at home scribbling on my laptop, other people my age are already making a name for themselves. Some are already full-time employees, or opening their own businesses. Others are on their way to law school or med school.

On the contrary, I also have friends who are still starting out with their plans in life. Some friends would tell me, “You’re even lucky you’re done schooling. I’m not even graduating yet.” or “You’ve reached so much in life, while I haven’t even achieved anything yet.”

And it became clear to me: we’re the ones making competitions for ourselves with others. Perhaps the system and the society is pushing us to be this and that, to achieve this and bring honor to whom. But we’re only putting so much pressure on ourselves trying to race with the progress of others when in fact we have our own pace.

So what I have learned from all of this is: focus on your growth, your progress, your own fulfillment. Others may already be at their 4th lap while you’ve just started the engine. But so what? Others’ finish line is not your finish line.

You haven’t found the right career yet? You’re extended in college? Others are already getting married but you’re still single? That’s perfectly fine. Just continue the drive and soon you’ll get there.

[thereseoutspoken]

I don’t know how you’re gonna get through all of that.

[thereseoutspoken]

[thereseoutspoken]

[thereseoutspoken]

purple positivity lockscreens

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[thereseoutspoken]

masterlist

all my lockscreens! updated daily!

nature

ocean lockscreens

desert flowers

crescent moon

rainy nights x bonfires

mountain wildflowers

cloud lockscreens

nature edit lockscreens

sand dune lockscreens

mountains

roads

spring blossoms

rainbows

yellow nature lockscreens

ice lockscreens

japanese cherry blossoms

green skies

california roads

beaches

other

royal lockscreens

retro pattern lockscreens

70s aestheic lockscreens

birds

fruity patterns

definition lockscreens

fish lockscreens

positivity lockscreens

marble lockscreens

butterflies

color sets

pink and yellow lockscreens

blue flowers

simple green lockscreens

peach lockscreens

orange lockscreens

yellow space lockscreens

purple positivity lockscreens

spooky red lockscreens

dark blue lockscreens

pink flower lockscreens

black and white minimalist

mint retro lockscreens

lavender aesthetic lockscreens

pastel pink lockscreens

yellow nature lockscreens

dark lockscreens

rainy nights x bonfires

space theme pixel art

goth aesthetic lockscreens

spooky red lockscreens

dark blue lockscreens

grunge lockscreens

black and white minimalist

pink and red skeletons

astronaut aesthetic lockscreens

flowers

blue flowers

mountain wildflowers

sunflower quote lockscreens

pink flower lockscreens

flower pattern lockscreens

art

landscape art

space theme pixel art

animal art

pastel artwork lockscreens

line art

trippy landscape art

pink and red skeletons

plant art

psychedelic abstract art

minimalist

simple green lockscreens

purple positivity lockscreens

black and white minimalist

beige minimalist

space

space theme pixel art

yellow space lockscreens

the solar system

astronaut aesthetic lockscreens

celebs

cole sprouse lockscreens

post malone

hozier lyrics

marilyn monroe

the beatles

shawn mendes

lana lyrics

places

eiffel tower lockscreens

iceland

italy

yosemite lockscreens

california roads

[thereseoutspoken]

alleyway aesthetic lockscreens

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[thereseoutspoken]

space theme pixel art

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[thereseoutspoken]

Now, close your eyes, . I sing a secret song It’s a poem that only we can understand You will hear it . Then I become the first star You can find me You can feel me beside . Come on, open your eyes…

今、目を閉じて

僕の歌が聞こえるでしょう 僕らだけが分かる詩で あなたはそれを聞くでしょう . そうしたら僕は一番星になるから あなたは僕を見つけることができる あなたは僕をそばに感じることができる . さあ、目を開けて…

[thereseoutspoken]

Over milk tea and pizza 

(Created: October 23, 2018)

       I remember it was one Monday afternoon when I stopped over a tea shop and thought to myself, “I deserve one milk tea with egg pudding after being able to submit my sample study in research.” So without a doubt, I went inside the shop and ordered one regular chocolate milk tea with egg pudding. It wasn’t really a favorite, just wanted to try something new. As I sat on the corner of the shop, I remembered I had one slice of pizza in my bag because mom made me bring it.

      All it took was one bite of the food and one sip of the drink to make me remember everything again. Then my heartbeat started pounding like crazy, as if any minute it would break. I stared at what i was snacking, and suddenly everything was hard to swallow… even the pain, I guess? Because I remembered you—and the hurt you put me through.

       It felt nostalgic eating something we both used to like having. I wasn’t eating the same pizza from the same pizza house we went to. I also didn’t order the milk tea I always had when I was with you. But the feeling of having this combo was enough for me to think of you and the times when you were still getting by. We talked about you passing the exam, finding a good paying job, and helping out your family. Heck, we even talked about relationships; about you never being in one, or how you’d know you’re in love, or is religion an issue in a relationship because you were so open about diversity while I was raised by a religion-sensitive family.

      “I never knew pizza and milk tea go well together until I’ve tried them with you”. I remember tweeting that sometime last year and a bittersweet smile curved my lips because those were the good days when everything seemed perfectly fine as long as you were around. I wasn’t even sure if pizza still went well with milk tea after having them on my own. Now that times have changed, do the tastes, too? Did you change as well? I think you did. In a good way. You already have a decent job, you’re being the ideal man you could be to your family, you have grown closer to God, and you finally fell in love… but not with me. I’m happy you’ve grown to be the best version of yourself, and quite sad that I haven’t contributed to it.

       And yet I thought I was already okay. But the hurt came out like they were kept for a long time inside my heart. My tears started pouring. I sipped on my drink to clear the lump on my throat. Suddenly the taste wasn’t sweet. It tasted of longing for someone who’ll never come back, and it made me cry more. How could time be so unfair? I only wanted to treat myself after passing a requirement and it led me to reminisce. How could time be so cruel? I felt like cheating to the loving man I have now because I’m weeping over you, when I didn’t even want to.

       I actually felt sorry for myself; not for buying milk tea and pizza, but for still remembering you when I consumed these. I felt sorry for myself because every gulp and every bite were hard to do when it shouldn’t be. But most of all, I felt sorry for myself for still hurting, knowing you are already okay.

       I wiped my tears away, went out of the tea shop without finishing my food, and grabbed empanadas paired with soda instead. I took a deep breath because I know I can’t force myself to dwell on the things that still hurt. I will allow myself to heal from the pain, from you. And over the course of time, I will be completely okay— devouring my large milk tea and 11-inch pizza. In time, I will be okay.

[thereseoutspoken]