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No Sauce 101

Yep, that's right the person who convinced you to make a tomato sauce is now saying "no sauce"... 

But be patient hopefully you'll believe me soon; sometimes for veggie and seafood pasta dishes, I like it just as it is with no tomato, pesto or creamy sauce. In my (non-professional) opinion, it allows the ingredients to stand on their own more. This does not mean your pasta dish will end up dry, so do not worry. 

Cut up some onion or leek along with garlic and fry the veg you want to include for example mushrooms or courgette. Don't skimp on the oil or butter and make sure you salt everything well. 

When your veg is cooking start cooking your pasta according to the packet instructions 

Once your pasta is nearly done, ever so slightly too "Al dente". It has a bite but a bit more than you'd like, get some tongs and lift the pasta into the pan with the veg (which should also be not quite ready yet). If you don't have tongs or the pasta shape can't easily be manoeuvred then, drain it normally. However, get a mug/glass and scoop out some of the pasta water set that aside and then drain the pasta. 

Make sure for this step the stove (gas, electric or induction) is on low, you aren't trying to cook anything a lot more, you're mainly just trying to keep it all warm and allow the pasta water to do its magic. Add the pasta in with the veg and combine it, add a splash or two of the pasta water and mix it through. The gluten in the pasta water will create a nice coating and sheen ensuring that you don't have a dry meal. At this point, you could also add some lemon juice (from an actual lemon, not a squeeze tube). 

Finally, serve with some extra olive oil, flakey sea salt and maybe an extra squeeze of lemon. 

 I like to do something I call "triple veg" which is;  spinach, peas and courgette. Spinach and courgette have high water content and,  so you'll never get dry pasta with them. This also works with prawns and, you can just add some more lemon or chilli to elevate it. 

A "no sauce" pasta is perfect for a quick dinner if pasta needed to be any quicker... 

It also can elevate the dish by concentrating on the individual flavours. 

I recently made this prawn dish which I loved. I made the most complicated version and added some spinach to it. 

Here are some more :

https://www.madeleineolivia.co.uk/blog/lemon-sundried-tomato-spaghetti?rq=pasta

https://www.madeleineolivia.co.uk/blog/lemon-sundried-tomato-spaghetti?rq=pasta

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Musings on Consent

As a vocal and opinionated woman, I am not often holding back and so when I choose too I am focusing a lot of thought on why during that particular moment I stayed silent. Sometimes it’s because it is not simply worth the fight or I don’t think much would change if challenged. However, today’s issue is the opposite- providing consent is something, I believe we should all be enthusiastically doing. Verbal and non-Verbal consent should be treated the same and you and your partner should be checking that the consent which was established 2 or 10 minutes ago, is still in place now. 

I have role-played with my female friends, scenarios in order to help them say “no” and to say just “no” - no other justification is needed. If you do not want to do it, don’t like it or feel comfortable then no is enough to stop as little and as much of it as you want. No one needs to justify why they don’t want to or why from one minute to the next their consent has changed. If you couldn't tell, I feel strongly about this! 

Consent is something that is often only discussed in terms of one night stands and hookups. We rarely talk about it in the context of a long term relationship, we almost assume it is a given. 

I know of a couple who had such a standard schedule of when the would have sex that even if they didn’t feel like it, they would still do it as it felt weird not too. In my opinion, that seems unhealthy and also borders the thin line between giving consent and not. They both carried through with it but were they really wanting it or enjoying it? This often isn’t helped with the media publish articles about how to wake someone up with oral sex or sex in general. It is portrayed as a “morning surprise” and something that would excite your partner. However, if your partner is sleeping, they can not consent to any form of sex so by waking them up by performing a sexual act is a form of sexual assault and rape. Assuming your long term partner would be up for it, still is not consent, it is your assumption that you have made without asking them. I have been dating my boyfriend for just over two years now and every time we ask for some form of consent. This may seem lacking in passion or boring or repetitive but nothing is hotter than knowing the other person wants you just as much as you want them. On a more base level, it also means we have a high level of trust as no one is assuming or demanding anything from the other. However, this doesn't mean that I don’t struggle sometimes. 

I often am in a great deal of pain relating to my currently undiagnosed cramping and period pain that has similar symptoms to endometriosis. Secondly, my boyfriend (at the time of writing) has a chronic illness and as we are all aware we are currently living through a pandemic and the stress from that isn’t the sexiest thing. Despite all of that I am more than happy with the sexual side of our relationship, I enjoy the intimacy, safety and emotional connection that I feel through it. And yet, sometimes I say “no” not because I don’t want to or because I am not turned on but because I am in pain. Sometimes I also say no whilst having sex because pain starts and I can no longer enjoy what we are doing. 

I never struggle to say “no” and my boyfriend never hesitates to stop and try to make me feel comfortable and ease my pain. However, the handful of times, this scenario has happened, I feel guilty, extremely guilty. I either immediately get up, go to the toilet and get some water to distract myself or I lie there holding him, looking off into the distance. Not only do I get guilty but I also try and question and understand the reason behind such guilt. When I have confessed, I feel guilty for saying “no”, I am met with fierce understanding and reassurance that it is fine but that still does not assuage the guilt. 

My main hypothesis is that throughout my life people in relationships have been portrayed as having easy and uncomplicated sex lives. Those who do not are portrayed as having some flaw; cheating, addiction, mental health issues. Additionally, women are portrayed now and in the past as providing pleasure (prominently) to men. Women should rarely expect it in return but should always be able to give and provide it. The cost of doing this may cause the flaws mentioned above but that is the women’s fault as providing pleasure is natural and effortless. 

Whilst I know and am aware of this patriarchal nonsense, they are still beliefs that were subconsciously and consciously instilled in me from a very young age. I also know that people in a relationship all bear responsibility for giving and taking pleasure, it does not rely upon one person. That also is the case in my relationship, I am not uniquely responsible for creating pleasure and I know that it is dependent on more variables than just me. However, that doesn’t mean the guilt evaporates overnight, I know this feeling and the misinformation I have been taught will take time to be tackled and broken down. 

But to anyone out there who has felt similarly or has gone through a similar thing. You are not alone. I am sure just like me, others struggle with a similar issue and that no matter how much you love your partner(s) you are not the be-all and end-all of their sexual enjoyment and fulfilment. You greatly contribute to it and should be well cherished and loved for providing such satisfaction but just like you, they are also human; We are all simply navigating this together

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What I actually want to eat.

I have been plant-based since I was 12. This was a long time before beyond meat burgers, chicken McNuggets or even good plant-based milk. I used to get my burgers from the frozen section and, they’d be pea and carrot and my soy milk from the “alternative diet” isle alongside the gluten-free crackers. Over the 11 years, I have been plant-based, I have even a lot of Christmas dinners; some good some bad.

If you or a loved one is: plant-based, vegan, vegetarian, flexitarian, pescatarian, dairy-free, gluten-free or a combination of these, then this is the list for you.

I am a dairy-free pescatarian this means, I eat fish and other animal products, just not dairy ones, along with lots of veg. However, as a student, my daily diet is actually vegan. This is because it is cheaper and more financially sustainable for me to eat like this and I save eating fish and seafood for special meals and take out. Furthermore, I have many people in my life who (through medical advice) are on restrictive diets: no gluten, no sugar, no dairy, no soy, no nuts etc. Therefore, I think I’ll be a pretty good guide into this world!

First, as a plant-based person, I want all the sides and trimmings. I want mash potatoes, roast potatoes (no goose fat thx), all the Veg, Yorkshire pudding (if that’s on offer) and some veggie gravy. There is no need to make me separate sides after all; the person with different dietary habits/ needs probably already feels guilty about causing the chef any extra work as it is.

Second, this list is from the simplest to the most complex, I am also only talking about the Main course. If you want tips or ideas for other courses you may be doing, comment on this article or send me dm on Instagram (same handle as this page).

1.Veggie Sausages — if you want a minimalist dinner these are for you! They cook quickly and easily and go along with every other traditional part of a Xmas dinner. They are also great the next day, cold or hot eaten with leftovers. There are many to choose from so I am sure you’d be able to find soy and wheat-free ones if that’s your thing.

These are some of my faves:

Cauldron sausages

Linda McCartney

Sainsbury’s own brand- shroom dogs (they do multiple versions, all good)

The moving mountains sausage

Vegetarische Slager/ the vegetarian butcher

2. A Pie — you may be thinking “Woah, didn’t you say, we were starting off simple?” and I did, I mean a ready-made one. Pie’s are hearty, comforting and rich; three things which Xmas is all about. They also go great with all the sides and, they are individual. I have found more often than not that other people sitting around the table, get quite curious about what the person with the different meal is eating. A pie solves any attempts for people to steal a bit if they do its quite noticeable.

I like:

Linda McCartney Country pie (this is soy mince, I think they also have a chicken one that, I find weird)

Higgidy Pies Vegan Mushroom and Kale

M&S Made Without Wheat Gluten-free Steak and Red Wine pie (this has meat and gets high ratings from my gluten-free meat-eating mum)

You could also have a Cornish pasty but, that might be a little too much.

3.Fish — You can choose any kind you like and can cook it any way you want. However, if you are having hearty traditional veg you may want to avoid light fish like; cod, plaice and sole. They won’t be able to stand up to the strong flavours and may get overpowered. I like monkfish, it is meaty and holds it own on a traditional Christmas plate.

4.Polenta/ Corn Meal — It may seem simple as it is just hot water and corn but, the tricky part is *all* the whisking to keep it from going lumpy. It can be found in most high-street or Asian supermarkets. However, check the back of the pack for instructions, you’re looking for one with a short cooking time. Buy the pre-cooked one as or else you’ll have hours of work on your hands. This dish is found all over the world but, for Xmas dinner, I am recommending the northern Italian version of it. It is great served with fish, roasted mushrooms, tomato-based veggie stew — give it a quick google and you’ll find plenty of inspiration. Do not skimp on the salt or fat though, this is meant to be rich, creamy and hearty. I use oat cream and vegan butter along with olive oil. I also add veggie bouillon/stock into the hot water to get more flavour and salt in there. The best part is, is that it is gluten-free and pretty cheap!

5.Homemade pie — homemade pastry with any and all of the filling variations you want! I like Quorn or Linda McCartney mincemeat but you could just do a ton of veg- it is up to you. If making your own pastry is a bit too much then check out the ready-made stuff, a lot of it is vegan.

6. Salmon en croute / Coulibiac — This is the toughest level but highest payoff. Salmon en croute is heart, warming and fancy, it goes well with whatever you want on the side and could be for everyone and not just the odd one out. Coulibiac is another pastry-wrapped dish and can be made with salmon or completely vegetarian/vegan. You could experiment or just stuff the pastry with your favourite things.

Lastly- none of these products are sponsored but, if you’re a brand I mentioned, and you like what I am saying, please get in touch. I also didn’t realise how many of my festive foods include something wrapped in pastry! Just remember, you can eat whatever you want for Christmas, its only one day a year, even if it isn’t something traditional.

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Christmas Gift Ideas 2020

All of the gifts below that I thought of can be altered/customized to your budget, personal style and resources. 

Face Mask’s 

If you are handy with a sewing machine then this is a great one for you, using fabric scraps you already own or thrift bedsheets/t-shirts etc you could make your loved ones some custom face masks. Bonus points if you find a silk shirt and flip that into some face masks as silk, is hypo-allergenic, breathable and causes less friction on the skin so is perfect for anyone suffering from maskne (mask-acne). However, if sewing isn’t for you then places like Etsy have a wide range of masks for everyone and purchasing from sellers on their also supports small business.  

Candle and match sticks 

Candles are all the rage with thousands of reels and tik tok’s on how to twist candles. If you are brave enough then go for it! You can gift your hand-twisted candles to your friend along with a box of nice matches. Writing empowering messages or mantra’s on the matches (maybe get extra-long ones if you have large handwriting!) will mean that every time your loved one goes to light a candle there is a message from you to brighten their day. There is no need to twist candles, you could support a small business and buy theirs or just get a standard candle. You don’t have to support every trend! Bonus points for matching your loved one’s colour palette to the candles or vice versa. For example, my favourite colour right now is green so a set of candles ranging from emerald to sage would be much appreciated. 

Seasonal Drink

It may be the British in me but Christmas is a time where having something to drink on these long winter nights is the norm. I am speaking of something alcoholic but non-alcoholic also works. I love vintage/second-hand glasses and they can be pretty cheap €1 a glass. You could get a second-hand glass of your choosing and send it to your friend along with a bottle of their favourite drink. If you want to amp it up, you could also include a cocktail/mocktail recipe book and some drink rocks. Drink rocks are reusable and do not dilute your drink. If they aren’t a spirit/liquor drinker then a stainless steel ice cube tray is also an eco-friendly and plastic-free option. I could go on with more items to include in this bundle but metal straws, coasters, fabric napkins and more are all ways you could expand this gift idea. 

Seasonings

If you know a good amateur chef or home cook then getting them some fancy salt, oil and or vinegar may be an interesting idea. You could buy; one, two or all three and either make sure they coordinate e.g. Rosemary salt, garlic oil and lemon vinegar or they could be contrasting e.g. Truffle salt, chilli oil and amaretto vinegar. The endless combinations make this a fun gift and allow for some fun experimentation when cooking. If you’re a big diy’er you could infuse the oil and make custom labels for everything. You could also add in crackers, olives and risotto to turn it into a Mediterranean hamper or harissa, dried apricots and Ras-el-hanout to make it more North-African.  

In the Bag. 

A thrifted bag from a second hand/vintage shop (if open where you are) or one bought of Depop/eBay may make a great gift for a fashion-conscious person you know. Then you could add in a lip balm and/or a lip-gloss, a packet of their favourite sweets, a cute bottle of hand-sanitiser and a travel-size bottle of hand cream. These are all optional, the bag would be more than enough but they are just extras for you to think about. You could also make any of these extras vegan, cruelty-free, plastic fee etc 

Cosy Toe’s 

 I don’t know about you but I get really cold feet in the winter. So thick socks are a must! A great idea could be to give someone a pair of fluffy socks. They could be practical or whimsical. I have been gifted thick, grey woollen pairs and a fun foxed themed pair (I love foxes). You could embroider a message or design on them if that’s your thing or pack them with some foot cream and a pedicure kit. As salons haven’t really been open this year pamper time is even more important. 

 Dried flowers

I do not mean the trendy ones, all over insta interior posts, I mean the Victorian past time. Pressed dried flowers, you could use flowers or leaves you have, buy some and then press them or that sounds too long then you could even buy pre-pressed and dried online. I saw a cute DIY on YouTube where they had been glued on to a small bowl or plate in a pretty pattern. This could be used to display jewellery, makeup etc. Furthermore, you could also arrange pressed flowers and plants into a pattern and place them on a canvas or in a frame to make a minimalistic art piece for someone. 

Body care kit

I often joke, I am secretly an old lady as I have dry skin and so am always re-applying lotion. Now, its wintertime that is an absolute necessity but it’s also an act of self-care and 2020 has been a long year so extra self-care is needed. So gifting someone a kit of body scrub, body wash and lotion is a little bit of luxury we all need right now. You could expand on this and include a dry brush to get that circulation and lymphatic drainage going as well somebody oil or a bath bomb to increase the level of pampering. Making body scrub is quite easy but I recommend sugar and not coffee grounds if you do go the DIY route and you can turn regular liquid soap into fun shapes with jelly moulds and gelatine.  

Homemade bookmark 

Before you laugh, I am not suggesting the ones you made when you were seven unless you were an expert crafter. I am suggesting more sophisticated ones but the end product is up to you so I take no responsibility, I am just the provider of ideas! Those pressed flowers we had earlier? Extra ones could be attached in a pattern and glued onto card. You could go full out an paint one using all your creativity. Or make one out of photos of you and the booklover you’re giving this too. Lastly, it could just be an inspirational quote like: you deserve another glass of wine

Or you could do one of each and give them a medley of bookmarks for all their mood and needs. 

Last but not least a Playlist 

I know this may seem a little 2012 Tumblr but bear with me. You curate a playlist for them on their preferred app; if you don’t have access or its different to your one then give them detailed instructions for how they should assemble it). The playlist could be based upon a memory you have together or something you’re planning to do with them in the future, or anything you want! Then write out an explanation behind why you chose each song, what it reminds you of and why you thought that person would get it. You could burn the playlist onto a CD if you have the tech for that. For all the artsy types you could illustrate the written out reasoning with drawings, attach photos, collage – whatever you like to get the emotion across. 

To everyone reading, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and for those who don’t celebrate then this list may come in handy for another gift-giving occasion. I don’t know about you but I cannot wait to be stuffed full of food on Christmas day, opening presents and sharing laughs. 

Happy Christmas! 

Elsa x 

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I have Epilepsy, wbu?

Whilst writing a previous article, I realised I had never shared the story of my epilepsy diagnosis and that many people might not even realise I have it. So spoiler alert; I have Epilepsy.

During my first year in Maastricht, my housemates and I would have a weekly meal together. One day during October I was in charge of the meal and standing behind the stove in mid-conversation when I turned around to get something and woke up on the floor. I had blacked out and collapsed for 1–3 seconds. My housemates thought it was low blood sugar, although I felt perfectly fine and someone else took over cooking dinner. A month later, the morning after the 2016 American election, I got up and took a shower. Whilst in the shower, I felt myself blacking out and put my arms out to prop myself up in the shower. That’s when I began to get really worried. At the time the shower was concrete, the door was locked and no one was awake or home. If my reflexes hadn’t kicked in, I could have easily collapsed and hit my head on the concrete. From then on, I began pushing to see a doctor about what was going on. I visited several Dutch doctors and hospitals but I was very healthy with nothing seemingly wrong. The question they asked the most was about if I did drugs when I replied “nothing apart from alcohol” the standard reply would be “it’s okay you can tell us, we won’t tell the police”.

In the UK I got a similar reaction, I was an English student studying in the Netherlands, surely I was doing more than drinking gin and tonics. Except, that really was the case, I never even had a puff of a cigarette let alone anything else.

The turning point came on King’s day (April 27th) after not much sleep, I woke up and began blacking out 10 times in a row. I then, due to stubbornness or stupidity, went to the bathroom to continue my normal daily routine. Whilst on the toilet, I was blacking out so much I struggled to even wipe myself. Then when I tried to apply moisturiser, I found myself on the floor. I had thrown the glass jar against the window and it had smashed, I woke up to find myself covered in glass and globs of moisturiser. That’s when I realised that I had to get answers, as my lifestyle and life were at risk. I would never be able to have a normal life or function if I was blacking out constantly.

I began flying back and forth between the Netherlands and London for countless brain scans, tens of blood tests and more to try and figure out what it was.

There is no previous history of Epilepsy or related neurological disorders such as narcolepsy (a condition characterised by an extreme tendency to fall asleep whenever in relaxing surroundings). For some time I was grilled about my diet, and whether it was extreme anaemia due to being a vegetarian that was causing the blackouts. I began eating fish to stop the worry about my iron and protein intake.

Finally, on 26 June 2017, I was diagnosed with Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy. Juvenile means it began when I was an adolescent, as I was 19 when the blackouts or episodes first started. Myoclonic seizures are brief shock-like muscle jerks like my arm throwing that jar of moisturiser. I was told I would need to take medication daily, possibly for the rest of my life. I was given two options.

First; Valproic acid is the most effective seizure medication to treat juvenile myoclonic Epilepsy and also one of the oldest medications and so has the most studies on it. However, it also has the highest risk of causing both anatomical and cognitive/behavioural abnormalities in a developing child. So for women who want to have children, it is not advisable as you and your baby can be put at risk.

Second; Levetiracetam. It has been approved for treating myoclonic seizures in Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy and is a newer drug. However, it has not been well studied for all the seizure types that may be seen. It is also has relatively little to no data about how it affects childbearing and babies. This is because women do not readily sign up to take part in drug trials whilst pregnant, especially for epilepsy medication. So, much of the research is reliant upon mothers with Epilepsy disclosing their information for research purposes.

I chose the second. Only time will tell the consequences of that choice.

I currently take medication morning and night, 500mg (250mg twice a day). This is relatively low and it is common for people with Epilepsy to take up to 3000mg a day. Since I am on such a low dosage, there is a possibility that once I am 25, I will be able to come off medication.

When I was first diagnosed with Epilepsy, I grieved all five stages fully. I also barely told anyone. I was scared, a lot of what people know about epilepsy comes from tv shows and films, many of which show dramatic and intense fits nothing like what I experienced. I was scared of judgement, people’s assumptions and being viewed as disabled. Epilepsy is classed as a disability however, I didn’t feel disabled and didn’t want people to view me as being so. Which I think really says volumes about how ableist our society is, that me, a white, privileged, cisgender and able-bodied woman was scared of how people would treat me if they found out I had Epilepsy. After six months or so, I began telling people but I still struggled to tell prospective partners. I could tell friends and tutorial mates, yet I struggled with someone I wanted to date.

Then I realised that not only should I not be dating someone who doesn’t love and support me due to my epilepsy, but that I also should tell someone who’s going to love and support me so that; they truly can give me love and support, that I need and deserve. As, if I have another episode (rare so long after diagnosis with medication etc) they will need to know what to do, since me randomly collapsing would lead to a lot of undue panic and stress. The main thing you have to do is make sure I am safe, call an ambulance (since it is rare, it makes it more urgent) and know what medication I am on and how much for when the ambulance crew arrive (It’s on my phone, you can see that information even when it’s locked).

Nowadays I rarely mention it, since everyone knows! And for those who don’t know, it’s probably because I forgot. I live the life of any 23 year old. I drink although that does increase the chance of an episode. I stay up late watching YouTube and enjoy veggie chicken nuggets. I haven’t had an episode since the day before I was diagnosed, just over three years ago now. The only different thing is that I take medication twice a day and am more conscientious about my sleep than your average student.

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Tips of the trade

Every weekend as a teenager I would walk up and down my highstreet going to second hand and vintage clothing stores. I’d be looking for an outfit for a party that night, some I could alter or just wanting to rummage through all the clothing! 

As soon as I moved to the Netherlands, I began searching for stores that would replace my favourites back home. Then this year, when the pandemic hit and everything shut, my favourite pastime seemed no longer possible. That’s when I began diving into the world of online second hand and vintage clothing. 

Here are some tips I have learnt along the way, that might help on your clothing journey! 

Shop around. 

If you have your eye on a specific thing for example a denim jacket, check out multiple sites and multiple styles. Buying second-hand clothing isn’t like going into Zara, so you need to be slightly flexible in what you want, whether that’s length or colour in order to guarantee you’ll find what you’re looking for. 

Know your body. 

Have measurements on hand of your inseam, out-seam, chest, waist, hips, sleeve length. These should be in cm and also in inches. It may seem excessive but vintage pieces especially may be a different size to their label. This may be because of wear over time or the fact that the standardised sizing at the time it was made is different from what we use now. If measurements of the garment aren’t listed, feel free to ask for them or if it’s shown on a model ask the size and height of the model to help you gauge how it’ll look on you. 

Look outside your Gender.

If you’re struggling to find a jumper, jeans, t-shirts, shirt - whatever it may be and can’t find it why not take a look in the men's or women's section. I am 175cm/ 5ft 11 and I own a lot of men’s jumpers, jeans, t-shirts and shirts. I tend to look for a small or a medium and I often find that men’s jumpers are long enough in the arm for and that finding a 34inch leg jean is also easier! If you’re looking for an oversized coat, then the men’s section may also be great but remember to look at the measurements listed or ask for them. 

Brands. 

If you’re looking for a special name brand also being vintage, you have to be aware of that in your prices. Buying a label is always expensive but buying it vintage especially with the recent rise of Y2K has only led to an increase in demand. You also have to factor in that any designer item or label piece that is vintage is also rarer as it’s survived the wear and tear and all of the previous years. 

Details.

When looking to buy something, you want to have a look at the clothing tag to see if that wool jumper is actually 99% wool or if it's 10% wool and 80% acrylic. This is especially important if you’re buying a pricey item or even a designer piece. Look at the buttons, a lot of designer pieces will have engraved buttons. Also, you want photos of every single tag or label on the clothing and of any serial number that comes with it. The lining of its trousers, a jacket or bag etc is also important. Brands often have a lining with their logo or name on it. If it’s a plain lining, there may be a reason! Lastly, take the information from that listing and copy and paste it into other websites and see if similar products are for sale. There’s probably going to be more than one of something and so if there isn’t that may be a reason to get suspicious. Lastly, if you’re splashing the cash, ask or look for a receipt or any proof of purchase furthermore; you can check with the original seller if that item was first sold by them. 

Things I am always looking out for:

Knitwear of any kind - especially if it's a high percentage of wool, cashmere, angora, wool etc It’s often cheaper than new and comes in way more groovy colours and patterns

Jeans- 100% cotton, no stretch - they last ages and there’s nothing else like them 

Leather - trousers, jackets, bags, you name it. I am a vegetarian but I buy and wear only second-hand leather. I want to continue the longevity of that animal product and wear it. Aside from leather, it is warm, durable and long-lasting so it's worth the investment. 

Men’s shirts- i love wearing them over a t-shirt or bodysuit in the summer or a polo neck in the winter. They are often pretty cheap and can be worn as a subtle nod to the colour or pattern of the season. Lastly, there are plenty of DIY’s and up-cycles on how to transform them into cute two pieces. 

Other things I’d recommend : 

Vintage swimsuits - I wouldn’t advise you to swim in them as the old lycra will probably fall apart once it hits the chlorine or salty water. However, they make cute bodysuits and can be found in all colours and styles.

Bedding - there is a lot of 100% cotton bedding out there that is much cheaper than buying it new and some have beautiful embroidery on it or fun prints. Also blankets, wool blankets are expensive so looking for a second hand one could save you plenty of money 

Frames- they can be so expensive so buying a secondhand frame will save you tons of money and if you look out for ones with detailing or a gold frame, you can easily upgrade whatever is inside of it. 

Homeware in general- plates, glasses, cutlery, vases; all that and more can be found online for a much cheaper price and is more original than buying the same set from Ikea. 

Websites I like: 

eBay - an oldie but a goodie

Depop - I’ve been some great items but be careful you aren't getting ripped off 

Vestiaire collective - for designer pieces 

Oxfam - if you are based in the UK check out their web-site 

ASOS marketplace - diverse and has sellers all over the world

Instagram- I follow plenty of second-hand clothing and homeware places. I found them through searching via a hashtag and, once I found one, I found 10!

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Pain, Pain, go away, please come back another day

I have decided to start off the first Thursday of the month with a personal piece, the aim is for it to be like a confessional; I start the month fresh and we dive into all kinds of things during the rest of the month.

I don’t think of myself as any different than most 23 year olds apart from the fact that I have a tendency to write stuff down. For me the thing that sets my life apart is the pain I experience. Sometimes it’s for consecutive hours which lead to consecutive days or sometimes it could be as little as thirty minutes. My first memory of this pain is when I was 15 and sitting in my GCSE French Class. I remember sitting there in so much distress, I couldn’t focus, I was worried I was going to faint. My teacher sent me to the nurse’s office and I hardly remember walking there because of the pain. I was given a painkiller and a hot water bottle and laid there till my mum came and collected me. A friend had dropped off my stuff as I left class for the day and I went home. We were meant to go out for a birthday dinner that night, but my mum said “you’re too tired now, even though you’re no longer in pain, you’ll just be too tired to enjoy it” and she was right.

And then she told me about her pain and the painkillers she used to help with it. The system was you take co-codamol (codeine-paracetamol) and you take that every 3hr 30 so that you’re overlapping between doses — that way, you are ahead of the pain. But that isn’t enough. So you take ibuprofen too, as it’s a different formula to paracetamol so they can be taken together. So you take co-codamol and ibuprofen whilst having a constant hot water bottle. That’s what I did, sometimes it worked and other times the pain still came through. I got used to taking painkillers and pretending I didn’t want to cry because of it. I got used to having painkillers on me or running into drug stores to buy them. For any medical or pharmacy student out there reading this, I get that you’re worried about my kidneys, liver and stomach but I don’t know what to tell you.

When I moved to Maastricht, I had begun taking the pill constantly. Although I still felt pain on the pill, at least it wasn’t as bad when I had my period. There are two incidents I remember. The first was I was coming back from the supermarket with my weekly groceries and all of a sudden I was in so much pain that I just sat down on the pavement, I couldn’t walk. I debated how many minutes it would take for a friend to come get me and if I could walk the last ten minutes home. I finally got up and walked home crying in pain.

The second happened early on in my current relationship. I took my boyfriend to a house party and we were standing in the hallway by the stairs chatting with people and planning to move on to somewhere else soon, when all of a sudden the pain hit and I sat down on the stairs and prayed it would end. It didn’t, I told people I felt tired and would actually just go home. It was an easy walk back to my house but I could barely stand so me and my boyfriend walked to the bus stop. We got on the bus and he was trying every tactic to distract me from the pain that is consuming me. We get back to mine and walk up the 4 flights to my room. I lay down on my bed defeated and he had to undress me as I couldn’t even sit up to undo my jeans.

I suffer from debilitating cramps, I have crawled around my house not able to stand, I have been unable to shower with the pain and unable to sleep. I take far too many painkillers than recommended by medical professionals and I used to drink whilst taking them. But I don’t know what else to do.

My mum had endometriosis and after years of callous remarks and patronisation she was finally taken seriously. I didn’t want my story to be like my mum’s and so last year I summoned enough courage to go and see a doctor about it. I got referred to a gynaecologist and after an ultrasound and listing my symptoms I was told “I think you have endometriosis”. I got referred for a laparoscopy and got one in January this year. It is a minor key hole surgery where they examine the organs inside the abdomen and is the only way they can diagnose endometriosis and conditions like it. An incision around 1–1.15cm is made in your belly button and a tube is inserted through the incision. Carbon dioxide gas is pumped through the tube to inflate the abdomen. Inflating it allows the surgeon to see all your organs more clearly and gives them more room to work. A laparoscope is then inserted through the tube. The laparoscope relays images to a television monitor in the operating theatre, so the surgeon can clearly see the whole area. Further incisions can be made to check fertility or to remove any growths or scar tissue in the area. After the surgery, some of the gas remains in your body and drifts around so you may feel back pain and are very gassy as well as bloated. Apart from that, you may feel cramps and vaginal bleeding. It takes around 5 days to recover and bending, carrying heavy things etc is not advised as you don’t want to open the stitches. You also have to wear compression socks, in order to prevent blood clotting and I put them on straight after surgery and wore them in the days after. Bonus fact, sneezing is incredibly painful and holding a pillow around your stomach is very helpful in cushioning the pain (pun not intended). Two weeks after surgery you can have sex again however, that does not necessarily mean you want to. After the surgery I felt slight body dysmorphia because of the scarring and swelling that had occurred, which was mentioned in the helpful NHS pamphlet I was given! More information: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/laparoscopy/

My mother had the same operation many times and it was almost the exact same when she had it more than 20 years ago. She was the one who told me about the sneezing trick with a pillow! As a society, we have progressed medically in some areas so much, it is unrecognisable. However, for women’s health and women’s reproductive health, it is even hard to say that progress has been made at all.

After the surgery, I was told they had found nothing: I was fertile and there was no reason for the pain. They would book an appointment with me to discuss pain management options.

When the first period after my laparoscopy was pain free, I thought somehow I had been cured. But every one after that has been just like before and I still have random pain.

When talking with a friend about this she said “Planes fly through the air, thousands of them daily, carrying people across oceans and deserts and mountains, defying laws of gravity and weather. When a plane crashes, a full review is conducted and answers demanded despite the fact it defies so many things to even just take off. Despite it all Society cares about plane crashes. However, it takes 7–8 years for a woman to be diagnosed with endometriosis, for her pain to be taken seriously. Thousands of women suffer pain daily and the cause is easily researchable with all our technology but unlike the planes, society does not care about women’s pain”

And she was right. Society does not care about my pain or the pain of any other woman for that matter. That saddens me and it makes me angry. I would like to be in less pain and I don’t think that’s a big ask. I would still be happy with period pain but just at a more normal level of pain as I know my pain scale is messed up.

I would like not to have to decide between writhing in pain as I try and give my internal organs a break or taking the drugs and still ending up writhing in pain

I know they say I am fine but I know this pain isn’t normal and I know this isn’t the life I or other women deserve.

I also know that I’ll probably have more laparoscopies and that this was just my first.

I also know that if I do have endometriosis or a similar condition such as Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), that by the time they find it and treat it, I could be infertile, and that if society cared about my pain, something would have been done sooner. Society cares about my fertility but it does not care about the factors which alter it. If a woman became infertile due to reproductive conditions such as PCOS not being diagnosed early enough, the blame would fall on her for not seeking help sooner and not on the medical professionals who withheld help .

This may seem like an angry or bitter article but right now, I mainly feel sad. I feel sad because I know I’ll have to keep pushing for statistically 8 years and keep taking painkillers and saying things like “oh I think I’ll just take a seat” when a painful cramp hits and I feel weak.

I also want to say to every single woman out there, I am here to support you and here to continue fighting with you for medical professionals to take our pain more seriously and get the money allocated to needed research. We shouldn’t have to live with this pain.

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Hi! let’s rewind, real quick

Hi!

So last week, I jumped into sharing my first article on my Instagram account with you all (@theseeyebrowsarenteven) but I kind of forgot, most of you don’t really know who I am!

I guess you could say, I jumped the gun. If you read the article, you’ll know a few things : 1) I like Whisky 2) I am a student 3) I have anxiety 4) My dating history is mixed

But, I swear those more to me than that! I moved to the Netherlands in 2016, on the heels of Brexit and began studying European studies (essentially European politics and history). Due to my epilepsy diagnosis (I’ll be writing something on that!) and general life “stuff”, I am finishing up my Bachelor’s degree now. However, I am to do a Masters in Conflict studies.

At the end of my first year, I decided to set up my own student magazine over a couple of years, we produced 10 editions. It was political, satirical and a whole lot of fun as well as a whole lot of work. I enjoyed so much of it but, it became clear that if I wanted to graduate closer to the original plan. So I focused on passing and studying and paused the writing. Then a pandemic occurred, I and everyone else was forced to slow down. In the early days of lockdown, I was doing Pilates and meditating but, that did not really last. One thing that did though was my urge to write. I have several beginnings and sections of random blog posts and articles I wrote at some point from March to June.

This September, the urge had not gone away, for the first time in a long time, I felt full of ideas for articles and blogs. Previously, I had written about politics and personal issues relating to feminism and health. However, now I want to share more of myself with you all and write blog posts about things that excite me as well as tips and tricks I have learnt about clothing, makeup, cooking, DIYs and more. Then once a month, I aim to share and update you all about my life. I’ll cover where I am at and what I am up to! I’ll get deep and personal and sometimes maybe even political!

I am very excited about this new journey and really can’t wait to get started. Please comment on my Instagram post or below this post on whichever site you are reading it on, about what you’d like me to share about myself and topics that interest you!

Since, this isn’t really an article or life update, here are two personal pieces I wrote for my magazine, to give you more insight into who I am and some content before next week!

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Whisky helps the anxiety go down.

Hi, my name's Elsa and I am a millennial or a letter of the alphabet; I'm not quite sure. I may sound like a Boomer but we are so far into this pandemic, trust me when I say that I am just tired. 

Anyway, I, like many others in my generation, suffer from Chronic Anxiety (also known as generalised anxiety disorder). My anxiety fluctuates depending on a wild variety of criteria, some of which I am aware of and others still manage to surprise me. 

Over the course of this pandemic, I have found myself having more in depth conversations with friends and loved ones. I guess with not much left to watch or talk about we turned to ourselves and late into the night dug into childhood memories, family dynamics as well as current and past relationships. These conversations took place whilst sipping some kind of alcoholic beverage. 

My dad is a big whisky fan and as I began drinking alcohol, he also shared his passion with me. So I now appreciate everything from a glass of a  15yr Laphroaig to a Akashi white oak blend. 

Several weeks ago, I was getting really deep into some childhood memories. I knew these memories were an anxious trigger for me and I was struggling to look back upon them and reconcile that with who I see myself as now. I've been aware of this issue for some while but, spoiler alert, avoiding it is easier. Although this was a safe space I was comfortable in and with a friend I wholeheartedly trust, there was a pretty clear voice in my head saying "have a whiskey". I succumbed and far too late into the night I did, it took me maybe an hour to drink it? As soon as I had it in my hand, I no longer wanted it. I was too tipsy to fully appreciate it and  yet not tipsy enough. As, whilst it warmed up in my hand and I stared at it, willing it to vanish. I also had to sit with the fact I gave into my anxious thoughts and that the crutch I had wanted, had collapsed me. Instead of it offering the support it needed, instead I was left contemplating previous deep chats and the amount of alcoholic lubrication I had needed to get through them. 

Don't get me wrong, I have had incredible drunk conversations which would have never happened sober but cleared the way for those same conversations to take place in a sober way. It took away the fear of awkwardness and provided a comforting blanket to me as well as the other person/people there. 

 However, when writing about this another memory comes to mine. University is the quickest way to get into a complicated relationship, I have been in several (yay!! Go me!!). Nearly all of them would in the face of traditional relationship standards not meet any of the criteria. But, just because I can make focaccia from scratch doesn't mean I can't end up getting played! 

Back to the story... early on in my degree I was at a house party, I had bumped into one of these guys who I had recently confronted about what was going on between us and things had abruptly ended. Two weeks later, I bump into him in a corridor at a housemate and I purposefully stay away. My friends and flatmates advise him not to try and talk to me when we're both drinking. But as you guessed it folks, he does anyway. He opens up for the first time and tells me things which I had waited so long to hear. I felt trusted and like a relationship could be built from this. Except that never happened, he was too scared and I couldn't wait any longer for nothing to happen. But later when looking back on that conversation I often think "Did he only tell me because I was drunk?". Did he tell me, in the hopes I wouldn't remember? That those secrets like the relationship we once had would be lost in the hallway of some random student house? 

That night, I am pretty sure I wanted a whisky. Now, I have no hard feelings towards him. It takes two to tango and looking back any serious relationship between us would have led to an unhealthy relationship with me struggling to reconcile the reality with the pedestal I had placed this person on. 

I guess in the future, I am going to try and leave the whispering whisky voice as just a voice and think of my warm bed instead of the temporary warmth from a sip. 

And if you think it's about you, it's not. If you really really really do, then answer my question. I value the role you played in my learning curve about myself and life. The truth may hurt but, I have learnt it's better to know instead of letting my anxiety run with all the possibilities 

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Photo by Claus Grünstäudl on Unsplash

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Spoilers are up ahead

But really tho, there will be spoilers.

I’m a big fan of the Netflix show; Criminal: UK. I can’t cope with gory details or the reconstruction scenes of most crime shows or podcasts but in the sanitised interrogation room I can. There’s other versions of Criminal, there’s a French and German version, maybe also Spanish. I watched all the first seasons and was hooked. Just the right level of adrenaline and intensity but I could watch one light hearted YouTube video after and my anxious brain could fall asleep.

I just watched Season 2 Episode 2 starring the incredible Kit Harington who played an Estate agent Alex. Alex was accused of rape by a female colleague who had just joined the firm after a Friday night work drinks sesh.

I really applaud the writers of Criminal: UK for their screenwriting, the twists and turns during the plot, development occurs in a natural and believable way. Furthermore the camera work which highlights the posture, breathing, eye contact or lack of along with nervous tics and angry outbursts all come together to create this concoction of tension and suspense which is palpable, sometimes you are in the room itself. And if you work for Netflix or Idiotlamp Productions (the production company of the show) and like what I’ve written and my style, get in touch ! )

Apologies! You never know when employment may strike!

Back to the point we go, over the course of the episode the investigators go back and forth between believing it was him or maybe he’s just a twat who actually didn’t do anything. I saw this develop and it was believable, his anguish but also anger about the accusation along with his anger towards the investigators seemed genuine. However, he’s an Estate agent, end of discussion really. No, of course not, some I’ve been told have souls. He was a cocky and arrogant guy who seemed sexist and seemed like a guy who could get flirty and handsy when drunk. These two factors were playing off each other and I was dreading what was about to happen. A revelation in the case was made and the investigators now suspected this was a part of a plan by the woman accused in order to be awarded financial compensation so she could go on holiday.

I know women who have been raped. I don’t know of a single one that went to the police. The reasons for not doing so, are long and personal. However, there is one that comes up whenever a woman is harassed or assaulted: “They won’t believe me.”

“Even if I do go to the police, they won’t believe me”

These women fear not being believed by friends, family, their partner or a prospective one. They also fear that they won’t be believed because of something the media love to highlight and exaggerate. It is pointed out in tv and tabloid papers that women could just be targeting these wealthy people and/or big companies just for the money, they’ll get back in financial compensation. That these women “set up” innocent, unknowing men just to get a free holiday from the compensation they received either from an NDA (non-disclosure agreement), a settlement or after a court case.

Yes, there may be women out there who do this. But yes a lot of other things are more likely and happening more often which the media doesn’t care to point out. A Home office study in 2005 based on 2,645 cases 2.5% according to official criteria were false and that based on police judgement 8% were. These statistics are even more important when put into context. A 2013 study show that only 15% of sexual violence victims report it to the police and that only 5.7% of these cases result in the perpetrator being prosecuted.

So when there is a tv show like Criminal which has high production values and prides itself on authenticity and realistic-ness, then why, why, choose a plot that is centred around something which statistically is the utmost minority.

What needs to be shown is the majority. Women prosecuting their abuser, assaulter or rapist and withdrawing the claim. Because, they couldn’t emotionally and mentally do it.

Because they couldn’t bear to have their sex lives discussed in court in front of family and friends as that is classed as evidence to the case. Because, they didn’t want their texts used as evidence. Because they couldn’t sit through the “he said” “she said” of it all or because their potential support network of family and/or friends wasn’t actually supportive of them.

All those scenarios highlight the demand upon assault, abuse and rape victims by the judicial system is an episode which more people need to know about. The emphasis is on them, implicitly or explicitly by the judges and police officers in the systematically discriminatory system; that is something that needs to be shown. With information being disclosed about the victims’ relations to social services, counselling, medical and school records. As apparently that information is necessary in order to determine if sexual assault has happened to the victim without consent.

Because of the way the UK judicial system places the burden of proof on the victim. It is unnecessary to say the least and insulting at the worst to see Kit Harrington’s character Alex throw a hissy fit about how he is going to struggle to put is life back together after an accusation of rape was dropped.The audience does not need to see it. We don’t need to see wealthy white men have hissy fits about the destruction the police and judiciary could have potentially done to their lives. Potentially; as the accusation was dropped. We do need to witness an attempt by the writers to conjure sympathy for Alex because of the ordeal he has been subject to.

We need to see the women who have to fight to put their lives back together after they dropped the accusation or they were forced to take financial compensation and an NDA before it reached trial as they were scared about what would happen to their future career or life if they didn’t. They didn’t want future employers to label them as a “trouble maker”

An interesting thought provoking plot, is not one which encourages and validates a damaging belief that many in society hold. A third of people believe women who flirt are partially responsible for being raped and 90% of victims know the offender before the offence. These saddening statistics were hard to read let alone type up into this article but they show that not only does Criminal: UK’s episode reinforce the statistics mention, they also show how unlikely it is that on a Friday night after work drinks sesh, the least likely is that a rape will be alleged for financial compensation and instead a rape may occur and never be reported and even if it is, the statistics show they won’t be persecuted.

That is the sad truth, the writers failed to show. Maybe, because it’s to heart wrenching and because, it doesn’t show the police enacting justice but denying it. These sad truths make up our world and everything that has happened in 2020 proves that. It also shows why it is so important to share more complex, nuanced and grey stories about women so a show has more substance than a white man ending up being justifiably angry. As, right now I think the world is sick of white men being angry and no matter how justified, the time has come to step to the side and let others have their angry voices heard.

Sources:

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/about-sexual-violence/statistics-sexual-violence/

Key facts about how allegations of rape are prosecuted by the CPS: https://www.cps.gov.uk/sites/default/files/documents/publications/Key-facts-about-how-the-CPS-prosecutes-allegations-of-rape.pdf

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_accusation_of_rape

https://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20110218141141/http://rds.homeoffice.gov.uk/rds/pdfs05/hors293.pdf

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2020/jul/17/one-in-70-recorded-rapes-in-england-and-wales-led-to-charge-last-year

https://www.open.ac.uk/research/news/false-accusations-sexual-violence

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Packing light

For a long time all over my instagram feed are fun infographics and reels as well as; news articles and tweets about the environmental impact of the fashion industry. They show how that slightly expensive jumper you bought because it was made of recycled materials, actually only 2% of it was recycled. I collect vogues and my family has a subscription. I watch fashion YouTube channels and spent a long time this summer trying to earnestly re create Jaquemus pieces. Whilst the majority of my wardrobe is second hand, vintage or from depot and bay, I like most people am I sucker for a sale rack and on grey rainy days often find myself wondering in to Zara and leaving with something that made me smile.

A real test for my love of fashion and clothing came earlier this year at the end of August. I travelled to Paris for my best friends birthday. I was excited for a city break and four days of art and croissants. I arrived late on the 13th and was due to leave lunchtime of the 17th.

For the 3 days of humid Parisian weather (as forecasted) I packed:

One grey bodysuit

One pink camisole

One linen shirt

Two White t-shirt's

Two striped shirts - one lavender and one pale olive green

One denim skirt

One linen skirt

One pair of denim shorts

One white dress

One Pyjama pants (to be worn as trousers)

I also had a trench coat, face masks, pyjamas and enough underwear for 4 days.

I met my friend at the station and by the time we were back at her flat with a glass of water in hand, I had received a news alert. It said any British citizen returning from France after the 15th would have to quarantine for two weeks.

So either I cut my trip short and buy another ticket or quarantine.

Except, I couldn't really do that, I had a flight booked from London Stansted to Eindhoven so I could head back to Maastricht .This flight was booked a week after the 17th, the 24th. So, there wasn't time to quarantine.

I decided to stay in Paris with my friend until she left for Maastricht, and we'd get back by train together. This meant my wardrobe for 4 days now had to last me exponentially.

At that point in, both the Parisian and Maastricht weather was forecast as being hot; late 20's early 30's. This was the weather I had packed for! I was a packing genius ! What can go wrong, you hear me cry! well...

the weather changed, I know we don't have the most accurate forecasting systems yet and we haven't quite yet evolved as a society to live in a sims 4 world where seasons come as an expensive add on pack.  All of a sudden a pair of jeans and a thin jumper was needed but all I had was cotton and linen...

I quickly had to do some fashion algorithms to work out if the blue stipe on my pyjama pant worked with my lilac striped or pale olive green striped shirts. Too be honest the results were entirely dependant on how cold I was. For two weeks, I did washing very regularly and every day was a new game of outfit repeater. During a long and intense zoom call with my mum I went through every single piece of clothing I wanted sent over to me.

Just over two weeks after the 13th, when my karmic fashion challenge had started, I received a suitcase with all my clothes, makeup, laptop etc.

This weighed 32 kilos and had nearly everything I owned and loved in it.

I was overjoyed. And whilst unpacking all my beloved items I realised that over these past 2 weeks I had learnt several things which never seem to be mentioned on all these Instagram posts and articles:

Don't feel ashamed for losing clothing and having a lot of it.

Do feel ashamed for keeping something with the tags still on or buying something which after one wash has faded and the shape altered.

Wear all the clothes you have, show them love and appreciation, don't ignore them at the back of your wardrobe.

Packing jeans or some form of thick/weighty trouser are a necessity

So is a jumper of some kind, I will accept a cardigan

A long coat like a trench is perfect for keeping legs and arms warm

Always pack spare underwear

If you're not good at packing light, and you're a heavy packer just retort "at least I'm well prepared" and try and offset the carbon from an extra piece of luggage in the hold somehow.

I wouldn't do it again but I haven't bought any more or any new clothes since, I have been very tempted though...

Lastly, from now on I aim to only buy from second hand/ vintage shops or actual sustainable stores and not greenwashing commercial ones! Might be a little later for a new years resolution but with the climate in such a mess, it's better to start sooner than later.

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Fake it Till you Make it

Throughout this article there are photos of me from this time, as many friends of mine will know, I don’t share or have any photos of myself as a teenager; the explanation for why is the article below.

I had this conversation with a friend recently and during it I said to him “I could never have this conversation with a woman, they wouldn’t believe me, they’d think I was playing a game, being modest.” And he agreed.

So now, I won’t have a conversation with a woman, I’ll have a conversation with anybody who reads this, because I have felt it and thought about it for a long time and, I don’t think it’s just me. So, here we go, I now see myself as attractive. I can say to myself that I am attractive. And on some days when I’m dressed up really good, my make-up is really nice, and my hair air-dried well. I can even say; I look good, I’m hot.

It has been a long road to get here and I wanna take you on that journey.

As a kid born in 1997, I missed the heroin chic faze but looking back at the 90s and 2000s being thin if not dangerously so was encouraged in the environment I was brought up in. Instead, the people I was told to admire were Hollywood icons like Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor or contemporary figures like Beyoncé and Kelly Rowland. I desperately wanted to look like all of them.

I was tall, gangly, had bad acne, a severe fringe and bob haircut along with glasses and braces. In my mind, I was the furthest away from being an attractive woman. At some point in my early teenage years, I also had a very severe short pixie haircut and multiple times was addressed and spoken to as a boy. When I told this to my parents, they said that people were only joking around but to me, it only highlighted how unwomanly I was. I became obsessed with makeover shows whether that be on TV or film, like the Princess Diaries, and became convinced that only a full makeover crew could work the required magic on me and turn me into something, to turn me into a woman.

And as I got older, boys became more of a talked about issue and people changed because adolescence had hit, periods and bra sizes and sexuality was all the rage. I remember telling my friend at a sleepover my bra size, it was a 28E at the time — they didn’t believe me, they told me I was lying, that I was bragging. I didn’t get why I would be; I was being cat-called on the street to school. I felt ashamed, I wanted to hide it, I wanted to hide my chest. So, I began wearing tight, tight skinny jeans and large oversized jumpers and shirts.

There are many other elements which I have not talked about which also shaped and altered my perception of attractiveness and confidence. I attended a private girls school my entire life, competition especially around looks was fierce and a conversation I was always left out. My friends would say “oh I am the cute one” “and I’m the pretty one” and I’d ask “which one am I?” and the replies were “ermmm, you’re unique!” “ohh you could be the funny one”. These adjectives didn’t appear to be compliments from the ages of 12–16 fitting in and conforming and being just “pretty” was what I wanted. No one in the magazines I read got boyfriends for being unique. I was also involved in local politics from 15, it was a very male dominated environment and at the time I was the youngest person on the board and the only woman. I received many inappropriate comments at the time which I only realised later and worked hard to be presentable and confident when interacting with potential voters or at meetings. I had school drama during the day and in the evenings local politics. Two different lenses but always the emphasis on the same thing, how women looked. From the age of 13 I have been catcalled, followed, groped and more. I learnt that my body was the only thing worth commenting on or grinding up on but that, it also posed a threat to me. Wearing oversized outfits and holding keys between my fingers was the way to go.

I did not in any way see myself to be a sexual being, to be something you would want to impress, dress up for, go out with, dance with, flirt with. I was just Elsa. So, I think at some point, unconsciously but probably also consciously, I made the decision that I wouldn’t be attractive from what I looked like on the outside. So, I had to be interesting, I had to be funny. Interesting and funny people could be loved and could be in relationships. I had heard many mums at my school talk about how they only married their partners because they were funny. I decided I could do the same.

Humour also became a way to deflect the weird stares and looks I was receiving. In my mind, I was getting them because of how unattractive I was, how ill-fitting my clothing was, because of every single thing about me. So then, I would attend parties in full makeup to cover my acne and I would talk to people and I would be interesting, and I would fake my confidence. And then I got more stares and glares from women at a party and I didn’t know why, and I also got them from men. Now, as I’m older I realise that these girls were merely concerned because I was so interested in their crush or boyfriend but at the time, I saw them staring because of my make-up, because of my clothing. I also realised the stares for men were not about how I didn’t look right but now because of the opposite. Because I was talking to them, I wasn’t playing teenage games. I didn’t know how to then, I wasn’t a sexual being. All I wanted was a laugh at a party.

The first person I ever dated was when I was 16 and I showed friend’s photos of him and they said: “oh wow he’s handsome”. I felt like I’d dated someone who was too good for me, whom I didn’t deserve. I also felt insanely lucky to have him; that he could want to kiss me and be with me. I continued faking my confidence, applying my make-up and wearing tight clothing on bad days. I decided that if I was wearing a full face of makeup with bright red lipstick and a tight top and jeans then at least no one would notice my acne and judge me for my glasses.

And then a few years ago a close friend of mine emotionally hurt me. I realised the manipulation that I had been subject to and how I’d let them walk all over me and destroy my confidence. And I got angry at myself. Now I know that isn’t good, you should treat yourself like you would your best friend but we’re a little too late in the article for that kind of pretence as obviously, I haven’t been doing that. I got mad at myself for letting someone destroy the confidence I did have, for letting myself think that my confidence belonged with them. I decided that I would regain my confidence, I would be confident, I would not just fake it anymore.

So, when I returned home to London that summer, I sought validation from men because it was a man who took it away from me. This wasn’t the wisest plan, but I did work in some ways, so I’m not mad at my past self. I realised early on in my life that another woman’s self-worth is something that only she can create and hold; but in every other way, men play a role in increasing or diminishing it, denying it or supporting it. So I downloaded dating apps and hooked up with people and all of them, every single one, gave me compliments I’d never heard before. This made me look in the mirror and think; well, if people are saying it, if these people are choosing me out of all the other women in London to be with and, to sleep with them maybe, then maybe, they are right.

After my summer in London, upon returning to Maastricht, I got a coffee with someone. They looked at me and said: you’ve changed and I replied, I have. I realised I had, I felt it within, in the way I walked, in the way I felt about myself, in the way I looked at myself in the mirror and, the way that confidence wasn’t 100% faked — it was only 20% faked with 80% being organic now.

I have good days and bad days. Today was a bad day. I had picked at my skin the previous night and this morning it was so red and angry and I was red and angry at myself for doing it. So today I didn’t go out, I wore loose clothing and I watched Netflix. On other days I don’t feel so good, I still wear super tight clothing and lots of makeup because I’m determined at the very least to have a good photo.

The first person I ever heard talk about self-love and self-worth was Rihanna and in a cliché way when she spoke about it, I believed her, I believed in self-worth and self-love because it was Rihanna because how could she not love herself! Has she seen or heard herself!

(Couldn’t find a copyright free image of Rihanna so I’ll leave that to your imagination)

During the conversation with my friend that I mentioned earlier; I brought that up and I said that until very recently, the idea of self-love and self-worth seemed like lovely things that didn’t apply to me, that they were things that wealthy women said which I would never relate to. I now know I have self-worth, quite a lot of it, and I know that I have self-love. If I didn’t believe in these things for myself, then the respect I am giving others will never be returned in the same quantity it is given out.

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Hello

I write daily; whether its random line typed down on my phone or in a notebook that’s lying around or just as a mental note in my head.

I used to run Debaser but I closed that down because, I realised I couldn’t continue investing so much time and effort into it without other things slipping, such as my university work and mental health.

I then tried to go on a writing detox, to become more academically focused and weakly attempted to pass off my writing as an itch that had been fixed. However, that didn’t work I just wrote poetry instead.

So, I finally settled on my own blog. New articles will appear and some poetry might also too. However, there is no fixed days or times for when things will be published.

This is a space for the good times, the bad times and not necessarily grammatically correct times

I hope you have a good week!