thinkingflesh

[thinkingflesh]

last three days abroad and it’s christmas eve eve and im rushing around london wrapping presents on the tube and cantering down york street in a balaclava to my 2:45 lunch with an overdue essay to complete that’s racked up 15% of late penalties that needs to be finished before drinks and the 7:30 wicked showing tonight. I’m the star of your next favourite horrible hallmark festive flick.

[thinkingflesh]

biiiig fuck you to my past self who thought that buying six books abroad was a problem that future (present) me would have to deal with. Busy dragging a cinder block around London 💗

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starry eyed

[thinkingflesh]

Some Pressing Thoughts on Academia

Sometimes I am writing or creating a project on a topic that I'm really passionate about and I think to myself, "wow, I could really write hundreds and hundreds of pages on this—should I commit and do a postgrad dissertation on it?" Then, I think about the fact that three years ago I was a bonafide acting major who didn't know that the world I thought was going to be my own would completely change course and veer off into the sphere of humanities and creative writing. Oh, and also, I applied and got accepted to a program where I could study business at the same time and receive masters credentials at the end of my degree (it just meant–and still means that I'm doing double, even triple the amount of work than anyone else...). So yeah, I'm a Sociology minor and Performance Studies minor simultaneously working towards an expedited Masters in Business Management. It never gets easier explaining that to new folks. It also doesn't get easier studying it either.

I have been catching myself more and more frequently questioning my place in my degree, and even in university. Does it really have to be this hard? Do I really want to study business, or was I just petrified for my "inevitable unemployability" from pursuing a liberal arts degree? If I was truly doing something I really loved, I'd be damn good at it and, in turn, get a job. it's just the way I am. Maybe this runs along the lines of existing as a neurodivergent person, but I really pour every ounce of my existence into the things I love. So, what if I just dropped business (I still can), stuck with my Sociology/Performance Studies Bachelors, and went to pursue a Masters in Contemporary Art Theory in London or abroad somewhere else? Wouldn't that be throwing everything away though? But then again, what is "everything"?

When I picture my "future-self"—and I mean the really cool, idealized version of yourself that everyone has of themselves—I see a girl with a curly pixie cut, sick boots and a carefully curated tattoo sleeve, sitting in her vintage art-deco pseudo-office/studio in the city, working on something creative. I don't see her stuck in an office somewhere meeting deliverables by "EOD" and eating horrible catered food at a meaningless conference that I only applied to attend because it removed me from my usual bleak surroundings. I think growing up in the arts sphere has given me a really warped, cynical view of corporate jobs. At the same time, I've had to delete social media apps like TikTok and Instagram partly because the constant stream of "corporate day in my life" shorts actually make me feel ill because of their mundanity and repetitiveness. Honestly, picturing myself in a corporate setting, idealized or not, makes me a bit ill even now.

Pursuing a cool alternative Masters degree would still put me into just as much debt as I'm getting in with my Business program, but, I don't know, I might feel less "bad" about it? Then again, yet another thing I've been telling myself is that I will never go back to academia after I graduate, at least not for a very very long time. And there is some substance to that statement. The realm of higher education is deeply raced, gendered and classed, and it prioritizes forms of knowledge production and transmission that I've been in a constant battle with for what feels like my entire time spent in university so far. My mom told me that I "have the power to change that." But do I? And if so, what extent of my capacity for change will satisfy me enough to make me feel like I'm doing something good there? There's also the problem of time management, given the fact that I'm writing this lengthy piece rather than the one I mentioned at the start. Will I really be able to deliver an 18,000 word dissertation if I can't even complete my assignments without entering a cycle of major procrastination, overwhelming panic, and anxiety-driven completion?

Anyways, I'm done pretending to be the lesbian Carrie Bradshaw, and I hope at the very least that this post reaches someone in a similar boat and makes them feel a bit less alone. Any advice, thoughts, or engagement is appreciated, but not necessary.

E

[thinkingflesh]

Just "clocking in" to my little journalism job to work on a "creative project" for the newest up-and-coming alternative literary mag because living the reality of a sleep-deprived college student with three deadlines in the next 48 hours will cause the biggest crash out of 2024 :)

[thinkingflesh]

[thinkingflesh]

In an alternate universe where I'm famous, get to walk carpets, and attend high-brow award shows, I'd always be suiting the best archival runway looks from the 90s. A prime example would be any Anna Sui fall-winter collection between '90 and '95—every piece, every look, balances the gothic/romantic and the whimsical bohemian with a drama like no other. Her kitschy and feverishly fabulous older sister, Bestey Johnston, is unapologetically girly with a touch of punk, especially in the F/W '97 collection. Obviously, we can't forget D&G's iconic and dreamy creation of the Sicilian widow aesthetic, particularly in their '95 and '97 F/W shows. Going to bed dreaming of these looks.

[thinkingflesh]

everything eats and is eaten, time is fed

INGYDAR – ADRIANNE LENKER

[thinkingflesh]

I don’t want to be the owner of your fantasy, I just want to be a part of your family

[thinkingflesh]

in the kindest possible way, let's stop romanticizing pain. let's stop justifying those who brew conflict. let's not neglect the turmoil that it once caused. to not hold it as a standard for everything that person still bears. yes, it still hurts and yes, you didn't deserve any of it. as disappointing as it might sound, pain does not always birth courage. sometimes, it vomits a fragile heart that's too shattered to keep on going.

[thinkingflesh]

Anaïs Nin, from her novel titled "Little Birds," originally published in 1979

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Zehra Naqvi, from The Knot of My Tongue: Poems and Prose; “Dear Baba”

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PORTRAIT OF A LADY ON FIRE | PORTRAIT DE LA JEUNE FILLE EN FEU (2019) dir. Céline Sciamma

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Anne Michaels, from her novel titled "Held," originally published in 2003

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Dorothea Lasky, from "Misunderstood," in Thunderbird

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Anaïs Nin, from a diary entry featured in The Diary of Anaïs Nin Volume 1 1931-1934

[thinkingflesh]

Anne Michaels, from her novel titled "Held," originally published in 2003