thisblogisnotforpublic

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I got drunk and I just want y’all to know. It is NEVER okay to like someone. Like Romantically

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I've honestly reached the point where I fall for literally anyone who shows even a bit of interest in me, because my self-esteem is getting so fucking low. My standards are so freaking low and I'm still single and feel like nobody loves me. It's probably because the people I was interested in never seemed to like me and sometimes even made fun of my appearance (like that I had short hair) and it hurt me so much that at this point it's so hard for me to believe that anyone ever likes me. Like every single time I find someone and believe I have a chance, I always end up having none and at this point I feel so silly whenever I feel like someone is interested in me, because why would anyone ever be interested in me? And the worst thing is that I actually love myself and find myself attractive, it's just that I know/think that noone else finds me that, because I'm not conventionally attractive and it's ruining me.

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me: mom can we stop at that mcdonalds my mom: *keeps driving* me:

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All I've ever wanted was to be loved and I guess I'll never be loved by the people I want to be loved by. There will always be someone better, sexier, smarter than me that will grab the attention of the people around me. I will never be recognized and loved for who I am. I will always be just one of those people on the side, a supporting character, a shadow in the background that only gets acknowledged when something is needed from them or when it is convenient. I just wish people loved me.

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You know you got your period , when you start randomly falling in love with your friends.

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Hey, here’s the mini-documentary I made about stimming! 

This actually turned out a lot better than I thought it would. Right now it’s unlisted because I don’t plan to publicize it until April, but I thought I’d share it with you guys because I’m proud and I need to show it off.

LOUD NOISE WARNING: there are a couple bits to signify what sensory overload feels like and they’re super loud. The time stamps are at the beginning, but if tracking the time makes you anxious you can just watch it on mute, there’s no important audio just music.

I like making videos a lot. One day I shall make so many. Also here’s my YouTube channel.

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Tony Hawk is a real one lol

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A minap megkaptam, hogy a meztelenségem ne lépje át a művésziség határát.

Jó.

Ezután a kép után lekéstük a buszt és visszastoppoltunk a városba.

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One of my friends is moving abroad and another one that isn't really my friend more like a pal is not coming to my prom. This makes me sad. These past few months have been amazing and I feel like it's all gonna be over. I don't know what to do.

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Sometimes I feel like my life will never be better and my life will never be what I want it to be like. I feel like I will never reach my goals and dreams. I just want more people around me that I really matter to. I want more attention and love and care. I want to matter to people. I don't want to feel like if I died tomorrow , everyone would just be sad or cry for 10 minute, then just continue on with their lives as if nothing had happened.

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I'm kind of sad, because I've been dealing with some things lately and all I wanna do is just get a bit drunk and enjoy myself for a night. I've been home for the past few days and my parents are leaving tomorrow morning and I'm gonna be home alone for almost a week. And whenever I spend too much time home alone it makes me feel depressed. And I really want to just go out, but I barely have any friends. And I only meet once in a few weeks with most of my drinking buddies, because I'm just not that close to anyone that they'd invite me every weekend and I don't want to be pushy about it , so I always wait some time before I ask them if they want to hang out again. So one of my friends is busy this weekend and I met all the others last weekend , so I pretty much don't have anyone right now. I really wish people would actually invite me to stuff. I know I'm not the best company, but I'd just love to feel liked and needed just once in a while.

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So I have a friend who I just recently started to hang out more with. And he has this amazing group of friends. And they are all a bit weird, but really intellectual and nice. And whenever I spend time with them I feel so jealous of what they have. And this guy had them since like 6th grade. And I can't even imagine having a real squad , especially from such a young age. My whole life I've been trying to get better and now I'm 18 and closer to being a decent , normal human being than ever, but I can't help but feel like so many years of my life have been wasted, that I can never get back. And there are so many childhood experiences that I never had and can never fully replace by new ones. And I just wish I had been diagnosed earlier and could have started therapy and then maybe I'd have a much better life today. And I have this goal to become the most "neurotypical" self of mine I can be by the time I go to college, to be able to pass as one and have a great college experience , but I just really wish someone had found me at an early age and had saved me from myself. I just really wish there had been people around me to help. And I'm trying my best to just be hopeful and look at all the opportunities and great things that are waiting for me, but I'm also so sad that there will always be those years that I can't get back. The only thing I can do is move on and try to make the most of my life now , so I won't regret anything in the future.

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Flashes I had while high

-Orange waves around me

-colorful cave (purple and brown)

-room full of smoke and red light / friend had red eyes (looked like the devil)

-friend looked like a sculpture, then had almost Cartoon-Like hair and looked like an angel

-bright images of different versions of objects around me (e.g. Victorian styled version of living room furnitures)

-the feeling of being away from my physical body, in an imagination / different world, and that the things around me don't exist

-scene changing randomly/ me not acknowledging if I changed places and being surprised that the sorrounding changed

-just a lot of black void

-memories all over the place, not being sure what was real or not or when and what happened the next day

-feeling like there's a lot of water coming from my eyes and that they look like a squirrel's eyes

-hallucinations of different places (e.g cartoon-like amusement park )

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unfinished business / bus shed

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Just a night out of control

So a few days ago I went over to this guy's place after a party to smoke a bit with a few pals. He's kind of the best friend of my friend from school. And the truth is that I'm kind of a mess . I sometimes get out of control when it comes to drinking and stuff. I am moderately drunk going there. And I'm not really experienced in smoking. So there I am smoking a LOT , like really I tried to smoke as much as I could, cuz I felt so hyped , cuz ive been drinking and didn't want the night to be over. So I thought I'd just chill from smoking , cuz that's what happened before when I did it, but as I said before I'm not very experienced. So I just got totally high. Like I was seeing wild psychedelic shit . In the end I threw up all over this guy's apartment and he had to take care of me , cuz I basically lost touch with reality every few minutes , so I didn't really know where I was or what I was doing and had these weird flashes of random images and.....I was just in a different world. It was really embarrassing because all the others were already asleep and they were very used to smoking , so the guy was very shocked when I got out of control. Like he didn't understand how this could have happened. I felt so horrible , because this was the first time I was at this guy's place, and i threw up all over the place and I also have a crush on him (he's actually in a serious relationship though). And I think I told him a lot of stuff and in the end even that I had Asperger's, which is like my biggest secret. I have never told it to anyone and am super terrified from anyone finding out . I hate it so much. But after that I just felt so relieved. Like finally I've been freed . I'm positive he doesn't remember it or understood it or knows what it is. But that's still great. And the next day I texted him to say sorry and he was really cool about it and even though he probably doesn't know that I actually have Asperger's, I felt like I've been accepted by the world, that my disability cannot ruin or neutralize the value my personality has and what I can offer as a human being. And that's just the best thing anyone can ever do to me. Asperger's has ruined my childhood, and a lot of years of my Teenager Life and I've been depressed and anxious and couldn't deal with life in general and I still kinda can't. And sometimes I feel like life is always gonna be shitty , but I'm trying to hold onto the good things and making progress. But I think this guy doesn't like me at all now and I've been depressed for days , because I felt like I crossed a line that I shouldn't have and that I'm never gonna be a decent person. And I'm thinking about going to therapy. I just really really hope that I will get invited somewhere sometime in the future and that someone out there still likes me, cuz I'm so scared of everyone hating me.....so scared...