tired-of-trying-to-understand2 - Tumblr blog

[tired-of-trying-to-understand2]

small habits to adopt

wake up early

drink a glass of water as soon as you wake up

meditate or concentrate on your breathing for at least 2 mins

visualize your goals for the day and for the future

make your bed 

do calf raises or squats while brushing your teeth

floss

dry brush

take a cold shower (or end a hot shower with cold water right after for about 3 mins)

put on lotion while your skin is still damp

cleanse, tone, and moisturize your face

apply sunscreen

drink a glass of water before and after every meal

listen to a podcast/ted talk instead of music while walking or driving

park far away from where you’re going

stand up straight

look at people in the eye when talking to them

look straight ahead when walking, not at the ground

smile at strangers

stop complaining (it’s bad for your health)

bring cash instead of credit card

track your expenses

turn off notifications on your phone when doing work

resist the urge to go on your phone and observe your surroundings more

set a timer for 5 mins when scrolling through social media and stop when the time is up

learn at least 5 new vocab words from your target language every day

exercise while watching shows/videos

read at least 10 pages every day

do tasks that can be done in 2 mins right away

drink tea

prepare workout gear the night before

jot down tasks for the next day before sleeping

write down quotes/lyrics that strike a chord

spend 30 mins on a hobby

journal and write down things you are grateful for

aim for 7-8 hours of sleep

[tired-of-trying-to-understand2]

I have struggled with thinking I'm fat sense I can remember. There was no, " I was a happy kid up until..." sexual abuse was a big part of my life when I was younger and it defiantly took a toll on my mind. I have always told myself to eat less, that I'm fat, and I believed it. I had a baby at age 17 just a month and a half ago, and I love him to death, but I'm not sure I can do this really😔. I can only try my best ig. I gained 60 pounds being pregnant! And I think I would feel better if I lost that weight because it overtakes my mind all day almost every day. I was getting g pretty healthy before I was pregnant, I wasn't under weight and I was starting to feel okay where I was at. I am 5'6 and was 125 lbs. After having my baby I am 156 lbs. I am trying hard to loose it, I dont eat sugar, I try to eat lots of vegtibles and get protein, but it's not enough and I need to feel comfortable with my body to be the best me for my son. If that makes sense? But I wish I could just stop eating again.

[tired-of-trying-to-understand2]

Pain I've caused

She said," All I could think about was him on top of you, and him going deeper, and you scratching his back, and you wanting more. And then you going back for more. You enjoying it." But it didn't happen like that. But i feel like it doesn't matter how it happened, what matters is that it happened. But oh how I didn't enjoy it like she thinks, and oh how I thought I was going to kill myself that night. I thought I could do it, but then I couldnt and had to scramble to get a Plan B that didn't even work. I asked her, if she knew how many times I have done that with men. I have let men hold me down, hit me, beat me, cut me, shove themselves inside of me, push me down, choke me... I could feel them thrust against me. I could feel their body shudder as they came inside of me. I could scream just to have my mouth covered. I could try to push them off just to be slapped or punched. I remember not knowing what a grown man was asking for, I was just a kid, so he got mad and turned me around and shoved my face into the floor so hard I swear I heard my skull crack a little; my ass and face were bruised, next time i sae my mom i said i slipped on tye pavement and every time I sat down I wanted to cut myself, to die. But I was a "good girl" after that and " Of course I could stay there, after all it's only 12 degrees out!". Only after I satisfied them would I ever receive some help. Only after I let them use me would I get any praise. I could feel a piece of my soul die a little but also feel like it was right, like that was the only reason I'm here and the only thing I'm good at. Sense I was 3 I've been used for pleasure, but SHE doesn't want what those nasty men did, she wants something different and lasting , so when I say I don't know how to help her, I don't know how to please her, I mean it. Sometimes, she touches me, and if my eyes are closed to long, I see him. I hear him...i feel him. I hear his breath in my ear. I feel his body holding me down on the bathroom floor while cat litter is getting in my mouth and he looks to see which hole he needs to stick himself in. I can feel his fingers... then his penis... then even his balls pressed inside of me. I remember the pain... it hurt so bad. I remember the feeling of him grabbing my hair and shoving himself into my mouth. Choking....always choking. And if I ever tried to make noise, he would shove himself inside of my mouth again. I never knew how wrong it was, just how bad it hurt... it hurt and hurt and hurt... And I dreaded hearing my door open at night. I can still feel the pain if I think about it to much, or if something is to much like the experiences. I can have great, loving sex and want to die after anyway. Because i don't know how to be anymore. I don't know what to think. She asked me if I wished she would hurt me, hit me... I wanted to say yes, she needed to know that I need her to hurt me. Hurt me bad. I can't take this. I don't know what to do with this. I don't know how to tell myself this is okay and believe it. I don't know how to open that door. I've changed alot for her... but I can't please her like I do them... I feel lost sometimes.

[tired-of-trying-to-understand2]

She said that she feels like she shouldn't hurt over something that happened a year ago that was awful. She said that and of course I thought she has a perfectly good right to be hurt, but I also thought ," does that mean I should be hurt about all the molesting that happened to me all the way up to 14 years ago?" How fucking selfish can I be?! I don't know how to live right...much less love right. How do I fix this? Us?