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jess allen, the passing of time (2023)

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Equality Before Death (1848, oil on canvas) | William-Adolphe Bouguereau

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idk how people can say being trans is a choice when i truly became my most miserable self when i realised i was trans

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and honestly i don’t to half the talk again the first time i did to ask them to use the right one took me 3 weeks to build the courage to. and i try to gaslight myself that it doesn’t upset me but it truly does, i present very masc i go through so many twisted ways + extra time and effort to present masc and when they use the wrong pronoun, don’t correct themselves and never bother to use the correct one only once in a blue moon it just feels…degrading.

what do you do when you asked a person to use a pronoun with you and they were cool with it but almost never do only in rare occasions?? this is not “oh they tripped and used the wrong one” the only ‘tripping’ they do is by using the right one once in three days

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what do you do when you asked a person to use a pronoun with you and they were cool with it but almost never do only in rare occasions?? this is not “oh they tripped and used the wrong one” the only ‘tripping’ they do is by using the right one once in three days

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my trans\genderfluid non-complete story as a young transmasc for all the other young transmascs out there

(Im jumping to to teenagehood immediately cuz childhood is just another paragraph)

The start of it (body image)

Idk if this is niche but figuring out im trans has second handedly cured my eating disorder. Let me elaborate. Ive always been skinny, not sickly skinny but overall just skinny. Then i turned 15. I just didn't feel right in my skin and there were a lots of posts about ana and all that stuff and i said yup. That must be it. I need to starve i need to be those idealised pics thats been going around to finally feel at peace in my own skin. But as time went on it just didn't feel right, i starved i was miserable i pushed everybody away (cuz thats illness like that does to you traps you in a little cocoon away from everyone you ever cared about, pitifully sitting feeling sorry for yourself) those posts never resonated with me, you know people glamorising their sickness, the body checking, and plainly bragging about how little they ate and how wonderfully the number on the scale went down. It never resonated. I didn’t care to be the smallest person in the room, i fucking loved food and the whole idea seemed rather silly to me. Immature. Fast-forward to me age 17, started recovery because again starving was not my answer to why i didn't feel comfortable in my body, and here where things started to change.

Realization

I started thinking why every time i envision myself i see a boy, why every fictional character that i wanted to be and resonated with was a boy. Ironically i was even using he\him pronounce on all of my social media, it just felt right. Yes i started recovery (and its so much worth it 100% no regrets at all) but i was still miserable and i think that summer i was at my lowest with my own identity.

Features

My hair was long. I hated my hair. I hated looking at it. I hated people complimenting it. I hate the way it felt on my shoulders. Same with my curves. I didn’t have a big chest per se but it still wasn’t as flat as i fantasised about (another thing that didn’t resonate with me, everybody on these ed filled spaces wanted to keep their chest and felt sad when they didn’t) and overall the hourglass figure. How deeply i despised it.

Taking action

Fast-forward uni started. And oh boy. Everybody was expressive with their identity, different hair colors different haircuts and styles and i was at my most miserable. Started cutting my hair. It was short, not boyish, still felt uncomfortable. Changed my entire wardrobe to whatever the guys on my Pinterest boards were wearing, finally we’re getting somewhere. Cut my hair shorter, boyishly, didn’t go to a solan because they never succeeded the first time. And let me tell you this, cutting my hair by myself was the most humiliating thing i’ve ever done and it is the most rewarding. To have your gender crisis in public is character building, and it showed me that i’m capable of doing anything if it meant having peace within myself. The hair was a mess. I showed up everyday with different hairstyle different hair length and my cutting wasn’t perfect i’m sure it looked horrendous from behind, but i didn’t care. Or i did but there’s nothing i can do about it it’s either that or loathing myself and i chose the former. Anyway. Then i got a binder. Things have turned 180 degrees (get yourself a binder!). I was my most confident. Hair like a boy’s, so was my chest.

Envy

I still get dysphoric. hell more than ever, voice dysphoria, body dysphoria, height dysphoria, even neck dysphoria. And i am very envious of men. Just daydreaming my time away if i was born cis. and even other trans ones. living in a place where its not safe to come out and there’s no treatment whatsoever i.e no testosterone shots, no top surgery and if i came out and asked for these i’d probably be put in a mental hospital with sever religious supervision.

Afterthoughts

So for anyone struggling out there with the injustice of the world i hear you. But don’t let it deprive you from who you actually are, seek any gender affirming act no matter how small it is. Just because the environment around you is trying to suppress you doesn’t mean you let it. And please please be compassionate with yourself. the world is cruel enough doesn’t mean you have to be too.

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𝙛𝙞𝙡𝙢𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙬𝙖𝙩𝙘𝙝 𝙞𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙤…

leonard cohen

✧ ‘The Panic in Needle Park’ (1971) dir. Jerry Schatzberg

✧ ‘Breaking the Waves’ (1996) dir. Lars von Trier

✧ ‘Bones and All’ (2022) dir. Luca Guadagnino

✧ ‘Fire Will Come’ (2019) dir. Oliver Laxe

✧ ‘The Banshees of Inisherin’ (2022) dir. Martin McDonagh

✧ ‘The Graduate’ (1967) dir. Mike Nichols

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is anyone else the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar or is it just me and that rat bastard morrissey

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i love all of us strangers

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can donna tartt write a character that is not a borderline alcoholic?

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RAF VALLONE & ANTHONY PERKINS 1962 • Phaedra • dir. Jules Dassin

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laura & leland palmer / father, the front bottoms

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Reblog to have the most homoerotic year of your life 2024

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gotta say i don't like how many "how to pass ftm" guides are straight up just like. be monotone and uninterested and don't engage in your "feminine" hobbies and don't wear bright colors and don't be polite and don't smile at people and don't show emotion ever. like how precisely is this a healthy thing to be teaching people (especially the young people these are often targeted at)??? i am a bubbly boy. a cheerful chap. a merry man. a good-humored guy. a glowing gent. a veritable ray of fucking sunshine and i am NOT toning that down!!!! fuck you!!!!!!!

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tips on how to get over the “you’re not trans ur just faking it” and not seeing a guy when you look in the mirror even with gender affirming hair and a binder

and when you misgender yourself because everyone around you is simply doing it

and simply wanting to shut up forever because no matter how long you’ve been training your voice it’ll never drop down as a cis man’s

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2010-2011