undirectedenergy

[undirectedenergy]

HAHAHA REAL

It's complicated because with kink shit too you're kinda supposed to "keep it seperate" like "I don't actually hate you but I'm saying these things as part of the scene because it's sexy" and then be all sweet and reassure them it wasn't true etc afterwards...

Npd culture is considering getting into kink shit cause youre a sadist but not wanting anyone to be into you sexually cause theyre below you and its disgusting and insulting

-🖕🐒

.

[undirectedenergy]

Dismissive avoidant culture is being annoyed at them for trying to make out while you’re watching a movie together. Like bro I’m trying to pay attention to the plot

.

[undirectedenergy]

aware npd culture is being afraid that, because of your delusions, what if everyone who 'hurt' you was actually the victim? what if you were the real perpetrator, and you'll never get that "closure" you wanted? because you don't deserve it after all?

.

[undirectedenergy]

being abused or neglected really makes it clear how many things are skills that nobody really treats as. skills. exercising autonomy is a skill. listening to your body is a skill. resting is a skill. being liked and being loved are skills. nobody tells you how to do this shit because nobody even told me I was supposed to have learnt these things when I was a kid. I kind of just have to manually figure out what makes me freak out and work from there. unfair as shit

[undirectedenergy]

Been talking to a new therapist. She thinks I might have OSDD

I'm scared

[undirectedenergy]

And how when you do have to compliment them now your compliment has to be The Best compliment ™️

More impactful more "genuine" more unique

Maybe? Npd culture is hating when you have to compliment someone because everyone else is complimenting them and if you don’t compliment them you’ll look bad so you compliment them even though you are so CLEARLY BETTER and deserving of the compliments they’re getting.

.

[undirectedenergy]

Aspd culture is explaining to my therapist that yes lying is a main tell, but I refuse to lie because everyone automatically assumes everyone is lying so if you tell the truth 100 percent of the time, people will still think you are lying. Hence always making you the most dangerous person in the room.

ASPD culture is

[undirectedenergy]

I woke up in the night crying. That's never happened before. I never cry. I was dreaming about my brother. I understand why he left, obviously, but that almost makes the betrayal feel worse.

[undirectedenergy]

Suspected npd culture is a constant little feeling of anger , without a distraction i can feel a little ball of anger inside me clawing its way to the surface

-🔒🗝

Suspected NPD Culture Is...

[undirectedenergy]

I hate that all of us with NPD keep trying to get people to understand us. They never will, and it just gives them more ammo to hurt us.

They are just as twisted as we are and won't ever be able to see us with anything other than the hate and derision we deserve.

It's so disgustingly ironic how we all sit here, fighting every fucking instinct we have to show them how weak fragile vaulnerable we are- trying to convince them we're fucking human. For what?

All the narcissist hate on this planet combined isn't even a teaspoon in the ocean of how much I hate myself.

Why the hell are we trying so hard to fight for that shred of humanity that no one, not even ourselves, actually believes exists? All it does it hurt

[undirectedenergy]

What the fucks so fucking great about being "healthy" anyway? Fuck "healing". What the fuck is healing other than just getting better and better at faking it? I'm too fucking good at faking it and everyone fucking loves me so why does it still fucking hurt so bad?

[undirectedenergy]

NPD culture is I'm always forcing myself to be nicer than I actually want to be or feel like being and it's exhausting.

It gets to the point where I NEED someone to give me an excuse to tear their head off because my image and my reputation is too important to me for me to let anything slip so I become a pushover.

"A narcissist? Being a pushover? Isn't that what they make other people do."

.

[undirectedenergy]

"narcissists can't be self aware" you dumb fuck, im thinking about myself literally 24/7 im more self aware than you could ever dream of being

[undirectedenergy]

Relationships with NPD

(And a narc's perspective on the "Narcissistic Abuse Cycle")

Maintaining relationships, especially romantic or queerplatonic ones where closeness and emotional intimacy are expected of us, can be very difficult as a person with NPD. Lower empathy levels, unreasonable standards or entitlement, emotional impermanence, jealousy, relational dissociation and avoidance of vulnerability are among the aspects of NPD that can make being in relationships harder, but difficult doesn’t mean impossible, and people with NPD can achieve healthy, loving relationships if they desire them. As I am not currently in a relationship, I’m drawing from past experiences as well as the experiences other NPDers have shared with me.

I will also touch on some of the misinformation and stigma surrounding people with NPD in relationships.

Side note, if you or someone you're dating has NPD, here are some resources (not by me) that might be helpful to you:

[Advice for dating someone with NPD]

[Communicating intense/irrational emotions]

Now, let’s get into it! 

Emotional intimacy with NPD is tough. Many of us have avoidant or anxious attachments, have experienced abuse and/or neglect, fear abandonment or rejection, and never learned how to have healthy connections with others. NPD itself is built upon a deep-rooted insecurity, self-hatred or lack of sense of self, and that impacts the way we relate to and interact with others as well. That does not mean that NPDers are going to be abusive in relationships. Dating with any serious mental health issues is always a challenge, but not inherently toxic.

What is it like to be in a relationship with NPD?

I asked some fellow NPDers about their experiences in relationships. Here are some things they shared with me:

“Comforting [others] is difficult with low empathy...I’m uncomfortable with strong emotions and even laugh when I or someone else is upset.”

"I really don't feel any empathy for partners & can't even pretend to care abt their feelings."

"Hyping up my gf is easier because she's equal to me, so I idolize her like I do myself."

“I struggle...bc I see vulnerability as below me. I also don’t think anyone is worthy.”

"I find it hard when my ideals are not agreed with...if you don't agree with me, that means I'm wrong and I'm never wrong. We have to talk it out if things like that happen but it's still difficult."

“I struggle with extreme jealousy when it comes to my partner doing pretty much anything without me, especially when it comes to other people...I rarely voice this though, mainly because I want to conserve their view of me.”

For many people with NPD, we want to control the image we project of ourselves. We may want to come across as perfect as possible to ensure we are liked and admired. Because flaws and weaknesses feel like reason to hate or reject us, we are more resistant to being vulnerable or admitting to any struggles we are facing internally or within the relationship. This greatly limits the ability to emotionally connect to and feel safe with a partner. In the past, my relationships haven't lasted very long due to this.

Splitting and black-and-white thinking can also be an issue in NPD. Of course, it is unrealistic to expect our partner to have no flaws, never get upset with us and agree with us on everything, but any friction, any disagreements, or imperfections my partner may have, can feel like evidence that they aren’t right for me and our relationship is never going to work. This is an example of black-and-white thinking that has been left unchallenged in the past: anything less than perfect isn’t good enough.

None of these issues are things that can’t be worked on or accommodated. With therapy, good communication with our partner, a support system, and simply practice, people with NPD can learn how to open up, seek reassurance, and trust their partner. Cognitive empathy can be learned, but empathy is not essential to be a supportive and compassionate partner. 

This brings me to talk about “narc abuse”...

I have discussed before why narcissistic abuse is not a helpful or legitimate term for the abuse someone has experienced. “Narc abuse experts” often have a misconstrued or totally false concept of what a narcissist, i.e. person with NPD, is, and ascribe general toxic and abusive behaviours (lying, cheating, verbal abuse, financial abuse, gaslighting etc.) to NPD, even though none of these things are unique to any mental health condition, nor mentioned in any current or proposed diagnostic criteria for NPD. 

There are many stigmatising beliefs about people with NPD. For example, that we cannot change, that we cannot love, that we won’t seek help, and that we seek out kind-hearted individuals to exploit and abuse for ‘supply’ (attention and validation). 

I want to point out that our behaviour in NPD tends to be subconscious and emotionally driven. We’re reacting out of our emotional states, our egos and our trauma wounds. It is not typical of NPD to have a conscious desire to exploit and harm, nor to deliberately seek out and ensnare vulnerable individuals in order to abuse them.

Brains with NPD have neuroplasticity like all other brains, and NPDers absolutely can change, learn and grow. NPDers do seek help from within our community and from professionals all the time. Remission is real and possible. Healing is real and possible. Yes, it can be difficult with NPD to recognise or acknowledge mistakes or weaknesses, but that doesn’t make it impossible.

Love is an ambiguous term that means different things to different people. Whether a person with NPD feels they love in a typical way, in their own way, or not at all, is very personal and individual. It can be helpful to consider that love is not necessarily a feeling, but a choice: to choose a person, to have them in our lives, to care for them and let them care for us, regardless of whether or not we can feel connection, empathy, attraction, or anything else.

Some people use emotional impermanence in NPD as proof that people with NPD cannot love, which is ableist. Emotional permanence can be impaired in NPD as well as other neurodivergences, which can lead to a person requiring a lot of reassurance, insecurity, and having more easily fluctuating emotions. If an emotion is not being felt or shown in that specific moment, it can feel as though it never existed. For example, if someone is angry at us, we may believe they don’t love us because we cannot perceive the love they expressed in the past as permanent. It is not currently being expressed, and thus doesn’t seem to exist. 

As a result, people with NPD can seem to lose or gain feelings for someone very quickly. We might seem to move on more easily after a break-up. This does not mean that love we expressed in the past was false or a lie. NPDers with impaired emotional permanence did not choose to have this trait and it does not undermine the validity of anything we do feel. 

...and the "narcissistic abuse cycle"

The effects of emotional impermanence and avoidant attachment behaviours in NPD are not a “narcissistic abuse cycle.”

Abusive relationships absolutely can be (but aren’t always) cyclical. A perpetrator of domestic violence or abuse may follow a pattern of love-bombing, a phase of calm or growing tension, an incident of violence and abuse, followed by reconciliation, in a repeating cycle. I am not suggesting abuse cycles don't exist, because they definitely do. However abuse is not inherent to NPD, and is not the same as what I am describing below.

In my personal experience, relationships will start off being desirable and exciting, before something leads them to feel unsafe and uncomfortable. This could be being pressured to open up or a disagreement. The fear of being abandoned can be a motivator to put more effort in and be what my partner wants, only for the avoidant behaviours to creep back in again. This can lead to a “hot and cold”, “push and pull” dynamic.

Phases of enthusiasm for the relationship are not love-bombing, and phases of emotional distance are not meant as manipulation. Instead, it is often a constant internal battle between the desire for love and connection, and the fear of vulnerability and rejection, which can lead to inconsistent behaviours externally and within the relationship. The intent is not to control my partner; it is me trying to navigate the hurricane of conflicting feelings and needs as both a traumatised person and a human being who desires connection.

I do not think this dynamic is healthy or fair. I can only imagine how unsettling and distressing the periods of pulling away can be. But I don’t think it is necessarily always abusive, and it isn’t coersion or ill-intended.

With NPD, the constant need for validation can come at odds to the aversion to intimacy or vulnerability. We want to be loved and cared about, to have our emotional needs met, to be validated and enjoy the company of our partner, but it can also be exceedingly difficult to communicate any fears or doubts that may arise, and we might then find ourselves shutting down, defensive, distancing ourselves and sabotaging the relationship. When we realise what we’re doing, we might try to make amends, only for it to happen again further down the line. Recognising this cycle is the first step to breaking it.

Healthy love takes work

If one or more members of the relationship aren't willing to put the effort in, it may be better not to have that relationship. It's best to leave someone if they're unwilling to work with you, or if you know you aren't willing to work with them.

Any of us who desire relationships deserve to have relationships that are healthy and loving, where our differences are accommodated, we work together to make sure everyone's needs are met, and we are safe. It may not be easy, but people with NPD are just as deserving and just as capable of having this as anyone else.

[undirectedenergy]

One thing that always confused me before I learned the NPD was NPD is how my rationalization doesn't work for other people.

Like my partner is in art school and would come home having received criticism for her art and would be really down on herself cus of it and my response was always why do you care? They are obviously too stupid to see how great your art is so why do you give a fuck about their opinion? Her profs or classmates or whatever would have some stupid take on her art that obviously missed the point and meaning behind it and to me that would discredit them entirely and invalidate their opinion in general.

I still hold that most of their opinions were stupid but the thing that always shocked me was that I could explain my rationale and it wouldn't affect her to be like "placed above them".

For me all I need is a rationale that places me above them and then I don't give a fuck about their opinion. For her even when she'd agree with me, being placed above them didn't seem to affect her.

It's hard to describe I don't know exactly what I'm trying to explain but like to me all I needed to prove was that they didn't understand her art and to me that means they don't have the right to have an opinion on it at all

I guess I just think it's weird that other people don't rely on that hierarchy as much or whatever. My brain is constantly rationalizing and moving people around in the hierarchy to decide whether or not I should give a fuck about anything they say and apparently other people just aren't affected by that. Like it doesn't matter to her if she's above them. I can't understand it.

Also it is like a "stupid" thing but also like some of her classmates make art in a completely different way for a different purpose. Their opinion didn't even really need to be stupid but it's just irrelevant because she's not trying to make the same art as them. That like removes them from the hierarchy to me and then they mean nothing.

[undirectedenergy]

Here's another thing I don't understand.

With NPD and that overactive shame response, the feeling, at least for me, is that the majority of my day/ majority of my life I'm humiliated. Everything feels like a personal slight or attack or aggression against me and it literally never stops. Even if (with therapy) I can kinda maybe sometimes logically understand it wasn't intended to humiliate me the feeling is still the feeling.

So my question, if trauma is the internal response to things rather than the actual external event, then isn't existence itself basically one giant humiliation trauma for people with NPD?

If a typical person experiences their boss like yelling at and degrading them in front of a giant group that person could experience that as traumatic if they internalize it and it effects their self esteme. So like with NPD if someone ignores me when I'm telling a story or something equally minor if that experience causes a collapse and I'm ready to kill myself over it doesn't that count as a trauma?

I know trauma history contributes to causing it, but it seems like trauma caused it then constant perceived trauma perpetuates it. And does that perceived trauma count as trauma? Are we experiencing the same thing a typical person would when they experience a humiliation trauma except for us its like extremely "minor" events that cause it and basically 24/7/365? And it's re triggering past humiliation traumas so we just completely fall apart. Is that "trauma"

Note: I'm collapsed so basically everything causes that to get worse. If I wasn't I would be angry at the person for ignoring me rather than falling apart. (But even with that, if it bounces off the ego shield does that make it not traumatic anymore?)

[undirectedenergy]

I will never transition because of NPD.

I don't know if I'm trans. I might not be, my "self" is very fragmented so I truly can't say. I don't think I am... maybe. But most of me feels like a he/him and would want to be a man, but I'm I'm the body of a hot woman.

The only way I know to navigate power is as a hot woman I can not transition because as a man I would not be able to use the tools I have built up to navigate power

It's not even about being visibly trans it's about being visibly a man. Even if that feels more "true to me" whatever the fuck that means. I can't let go of the supply and power I get from being a hot woman.

Some of my physical features would be even hotter on a man, but it's more a way of moving through the world. The way I can manipulate and control straight men as a hot "woman" is not something I can give up. As a "woman" I've crafted a self that is sweet, non threatening, attractive, feeds a man's ego and makes him feel exactly what I want him to feel. And all that depends on me appearing as a "woman"

As much as I hate to admit it it's a safety thing. I don't know how to be safe without controlling people and their perception of me