unmaskedletters

[unmaskedletters]

I hate you

I hate you

I hate you

I hate you

I hate you

I hate you

I hate you

I hate you

[unmaskedletters]

I’m losing the fight…

250427 : 2021

[unmaskedletters]

3rd letter to you.

I woke up from a dream. I’ve been dreaming about you lately.

Your ghost still haunts me.

My heart shivers in fear..

As if my body is right next to you again.

Re-living the horror of what you call ‘“love”.

Are you sleeping well?

My soul desperately cries for us to never meet again.

Yet my body scream to feel your presence just once more.

I hope my ghost haunts you too…

[unmaskedletters]

I wish the night really end and morning never comes.

I’m tired of this life.

I’m tired of fighting this never ending battle.

Knowing it’ll never go away.

I’m tired of living this body every day, that somehow doesn’t seems to know when to give up.

I really wish to never wake up again.

I’m tired of this world.

I’m tired of masking just for people to be okay, while I scream soundlessly inside.

God forbid I let it out, somehow I’ll be the one in the wrong.

Because everyone around me never meant to hurt me.

Because they got pains too and did their best.

I don’t know how to love those who hurt me, even after forgiveness has been asked.

I don’t know how to like them.

I tried. And tried. And tried.

Somehow I can’t help feeling repulsed.

Somehow, somehow I’m the bad one if I cut ties.

Why don’t we stop fighting?

Why don’t we end this all?

At least, even with the heavy pain of sorrows, life will be peaceful for the rest of your life when I’m gone.

Let me not wake up tomorrow.

250414: 2041

[unmaskedletters]

3rd letter to you

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I. Hate. You.

I hate that I loved you…

I hate that you still effect me…

I hate that none of this was ever real with you…

i hate you.

[unmaskedletters]

To my brother

How many years has it been…

I still remember our conversation years ago, when I bared my heart to you, asking for understanding, tears streaming down my face, and instead, I was met with your harsh words, the way you looked down on me, for being young, thinking I’m inexperienced. That somehow my age defined my knowledge and yours defined your growth.

I forgive you.

I still remember all the times you came to me, asking for help. Then dragged my name through the mud soon as you received what you got. My anger was met with humiliation as you stared in defiance, at my anger unwarranted. Hands out waiting for the money I earned.

I forgive you.

I still remember the betrayal I felt. As I stood there watching the love of my life, violated me over and over. My soul was screaming, my hand reached out for yours. You turned your back on me. ‘Sorry sis, I can’t help you. I’m struggling too.’ You said. I fought for my life that year. I lost everything. My heart became bitter.

I forgive you.

I still remember when I finally found a place. Slowly trying to get myself together. You reached out asking for help. My heart jaded and broken, yet I couldn’t say no. Bitter words filled my lungs, my lips trembled, but I still took you in. Conflicted and confused. But you’re my brother right? I was hard on you, thinking if I have to learn to pick myself up, you will have to too. I’m sorry.

I forgive you.

I still remember how distant we became, strangers who share the same blood, the same family. Yet our words are emptier than the passing smiles people give on the street. Shorter than the speeches at a funeral. I learned to silence the cries without the touch of your warmth. I learned to shoulder the cold without the comfort of your presence. The distance only grew.

I forgive you.

I still remember when you launched your business, excited and joyful for you to begin. Hopeful, maybe this is another chance. We can begin again. You never failed to show me how naive I was to dream. Thinking this time it’ll be different. We were still strangers. I don’t think I could ever reach you. All the ladders I climbed, all the doors I tried. None of them was you. I just wanted you. The way you are with everyone else. How could you be theirs, but not mine?

I forgive you.

I still remember years gone by, and this time once again, you showed up on my doorstep. Guilt ridden my soul from years ago. I opened my doors to you. Once more. Maybe this time, it’s the one. We were both hurting. I understood your pain in your silence. Death was on my doorstep, yet you didn’t know. How wrong was I…to find out how you truly felt. Blinded by your own demons, you couldn’t see. You never could see me. I gave and I gave and I gave. And each time, you showed me, perfectly, how consistent you are.

I forgive you.

I still remember, I finally met someone. The devil in disguise. The storms that raged through the night. The winds that violently shook the house. I prayed for you through my screams. The silence that met me was so deafening. The light left my eyes, and you still smiled, watching me. Then you left. You left me with him. The chains rattled so heavily, dragging across those wooden floors…you refuse to hear. Death on my shoulders now. You still couldn’t see. Your last words ripped through my battered soul, my breath caught in my throat. Unable to understand. Then you left…

I forgive you.

I still remember, just like that day. My hands were met with your cold silence. And I finally realized. We are just that. Strangers that share the same blood. Just strangers, that share the same family. I kept opening my doors, hoping for a different story. Patching up what I never broke. Your pain consumed you. You bled into me. And you never stopped. No more. All I wanted was an older brother. I just wanted you to be that for me. To be protected, loved, and cared for. Instead I received the beauty of what that would look like, watching you be that for others…begging pathetically, waiting, as 30 years went by. Craving for a song that never hold my name.

I forgive you.

I no longer want that from you. Death is knocking now. I loved you. And I can’t love you anymore. You could never see me. Please continue to not see me. Farewell.

I forgive you. And I’ll never forget …

[unmaskedletters]

2nd letter to you

It’s midnight, my heart weighs heavy ..

It’s been almost 3 months, and while I understood, I can’t seem to keep myself from wanting to run back to you.

Even when my body still aches, and my bones remember your hands…

And my inside still trembles from the pain..

When you violated me night after night, day after day. And called it love. Embraced me and convinced me you were sorry, you just couldn’t control it.

While I knew, it felt like I wasn’t even there. Blindly accepted your love, in my desperation to make this work.

It wasn’t always like this. You once loved me. Or did you ever?

[unmaskedletters]

If only there’s a way to make people better understood..but it’s a slow, painful death.

People can only understand living.

Because what the eye can’t see, doesn’t exist.

Dying in front of you, but you’ll just see that I’m sad.

It’s okay, because now I’ve actually reached the end.

What was once me screaming for help….have turn to peace. Yet you think that I’m screaming now.

I wish more people understood. But it’s okay.

I’m tired. And it’s time to rest now.

[unmaskedletters]

1st letter to you

It's been a while. You have been haunting me the last few days. Do you think about me? Do you remember everything that happened between us? Do you miss my presence the way I miss yours?

I find myself craving for your touch, even though it burns me. I find myself searching for your scent, through every street I walk.

When I said goodbye, no when I screamed and tore myself through the door, and you clinged onto my body, as fear ripped through my soul...my body already knew. We were never meant to be together. But yet, my heart silently whisper, of the love I have for you.

Do you think about me? The way my heart screams for you in the dark of the nights, when the whole world sleeps, and the moon. Our moon you always talk so tenderly about. Do you miss me when you look at the night sky. When the brightest stars shine, does it make you think of me? About the promises we swore together. Of new beginnings and a softer life. I wish i knew...they were just pretty words, given to me to decorate my walls, while the fire burns.

Do you remember that night we stood outside on the porch, looking at the pretty night sky, while the world slept.

Do you remember that night we stood outside on the porch, looking at the stars, while our souls burn, side by side. I was dying, and you knew.

All along...you knew.