vocal-synth-foundation

[vocal-synth-foundation]

Will you do it? | Kas sa teed seda?

'Cause I'll break your heart, And if you somehow make it... You can take my life away.

I feel so guilty. I'm going to be honest, I haven't been a good person. I have been a victim, but I haven't perfect. I have done bad things, I have hurt others, and I can't undo that. The guilt eats me alive, because I know that they're hurt, and it's my fault. I was angry, frustrated, and reacted in a hostile way. I know, I was taken over by my emotions, but, I can't say that the consequences haven't hurt me. Sometimes the guilt makes me wonder if I want someone to just kill me. I thought that it would be so much easier if they just put a knife to my neck, and that was it. Now, I won't choose death, but I want to be better. I want to express my anger without losing myself. I don't know who I am then. I can't recognize myself. Is there anyone who will even see this? Will anyone care? Will anyone even love me, with everything that I've done? Eesti Osa: Kuna ma murran sinu süda, Kui sa mingil viisil põgened, Sa võid minu elu ära võtta. Minul on süütunne. Ma ütlen ausalt, ma ei ole olnud hea inimene. Ma olen ellujääja aga ma ei ole olnud täiuslik. Ma olen teinud halbu asju, ma olen teistele haiget teinud ja ma ei saa sellest lahti. See tunne teeb mulle haiget, sest ma tean, et nad on vigastatud ja see on minu tõttu. Ma olin vihane, pettunud ja käitusin vaenulikul viisil. Ma tean, minu emotsiooned võtsin üle aga ma ei saa öelda, et tagajärjed ei ole teinud mulle haiget. Mõnikord, see tunne paneb mind arvama, et keegi peaks minu ära tapma. Ma arvasin, et see oleks olnud palju lihtsam kui keegi oleks pannud noa, vastu minu kõri ja see oleks olnud lõppenud. Nüüd, ma ei vali surma aga ma tahan olla parem. Ma tahan enda viha näidata ja mitte ennast kaotada niimoodi. Ma ei tea, kes ma olen sellel ajal. Ma ei saa ennast ära tunda. Kas siin on kedagi kes seda näeb? Kas keegi hoolib? Kas keegi armastab mind, isegi kui ta teab mida ma olen teinud?

[vocal-synth-foundation]

Sorrows Are Buried, Deep Down, Where No One Sees Them

4/7/2025 | April 7th / 7. Aprill 2025 | 6:40 PM "The way below winds deeper, longer, unspeakable its patterns laid. The lost forever damned to wander this thing a quiet madness made."

From SCP-3539

How many times has a child been seen as nothing but trouble? How many times have there been stories, but you don't know the truth? How many times have bad things happened and then everyone moves on as if it is normal? Many times. Horrible things happen daily, many are just unaware because it is uncomfortable to recognize them and stare at them. People just don't want to know and recognize the problems, so they bury them, far below the earth, hoping that it will just pass. The truth is that these problems eventually are brought to light and they can't be kept secret forever. Additionally, burying them doesn't solve them, it only makes it worse. Those who are affected are shunned and those who know simply pretend that there is nothing wrong. Many ask for help, and yet, the pleas are ignored. There are solutions, but people don't want to admit that there is a problem. Eventually, they come to light, and everyone suffers for it. I wish that others asked me what I was going through, and didn't just assume that I was lazy or just trouble. I tried to talk about it, but they didn't bother to listen. I carry my secrets with me, but no matter how hard I try, the wounds can't be hidden. I am in pain and suffering, and no one bothers to help, even though they can. All I asked was for someone to listen, many made excuses and assumptions. And I can't be honest either, because it's, "rude, disrespectful, and uncomfortable." I might as well just put, "I screamed, begged, acted out, you didn't listen," on my tombstone. Often, when others pay attention, it is only when it is too late. They wonder how they could have prevented it, the answer was there, they just didn't like it. Eesti osa: Kurbus On Maetud, Sügavale, Kus Mitte Keegi Ei Näe "Tee allpoole viib sügavamale, pikemale, ütlemata selle mustrid tehtud. Kadunud igavesti, on neetud rännata selles, mida see vaikne hullus tegi."

Lugu, SCP-3935 Kui palju kordi on laps vaadatud lihtsalt tülina ja mitte midagi muud? Kui palju kordi on lugusid aga sa ei tea tõde? Kui palju kordi on midagi paha juhtunud ja kõik liiguvad edasi, nagu midagi ei juhtunud? Mitu korda. Halvad asjad juhtuvad iga päev, paljud lihtsalt ei tea, kuna see on väga ebamugav seda tunnistada ja vaadata. Inimesed lihtsalt ei taha teada ja tunnistada probleeme, sellepärast nad matavad need kaugele allpoole, loodavad, et see möödub. Tegelikult, need probleemid tulevad mingil ajal välja ja seda ei saa igavesti peita. Lisaks, nende peitmine ei lahenda seda, see ainult teeb need probleemid suuremaks. Need kes on seotud, on eiratud ja need kes teavad, käituvad nagu midagi ei oleks valesti. Paljud küsivad abi, ikkagi, palved on ignoreeritud. On olemas lahendusi aga inimesed ei taha tunnistada, et on probleem. Lõpuks, need tulevad välja ja kõik kannatavad sellepärast. Ma tahan, et teised oleksid küsinud minult millega ma tegelesin ja ei arvanud, et ma olen laisk või paha laps. Ma proovisin sellest rääkida, nad ei tahtnud kuulata. Ma kannan enda saladusi aga kuigi ma proovin, ma ei saa enda haavu peita. Minul on valus ja ma kannatan, teised ei näe mingit vaeva mind aidata, kuigi nad saavad. Kõik mida ma tahtsin, oli see, et keegi mind kuulaks, paljud andsid arvamusi ja tegid vabandusi. Ma ei saa olla aus, sest see on, "ebaviisakas ja ebamugav." Ma võiksin panna, "Ma karjusin, palusin, läksin endast välja, sa ei kuulanud," enda hauakivi peale. Tihti, kui teised pööravad tähelepanu, see on siis, kui on liiga hilja. Nad mõtlevad kuidas nad oleksid saanud seda vältida, vastus oli olemas, see lihtsalt ei meeldinud talle.

[vocal-synth-foundation]

3/27/2025 | March/Märts 27(th), 2025

8:20 PM / 20:20.

「かいなでの絵師には総じて醜いものの美しさなどと申すことは、 わかろうはずがございませぬ。」 ー 芥川龍之介の 「 地獄変 」

"Other lesser painters are such mediocrities, they have no way to recognize the beauty that lies in ugliness." - "Hell Screen," by Akutagawa Ryūnosuke

Note: No Estonian translation for the Japanese in this part, as I do not know Japanese well enough to make a proper Estonian translation for it. | NB! Ma ei tõlgi seda osa eesti keelde, kuna ma ei tea piisavalt palju jaapani keelt, et seda hästi tõlkida.

(Raamat on "Põrgu Ekraan," autor on Akutagawa Ryūnosuke.)

English Part:

I already made an important post on my other blog (vocal-synth-computer) that explains all of the necessary details, but as for this blog, it is one that does not shy away from serious and disturbing topics. These are my thoughts and feelings, but also commentary on society. I will put warnings when necessary. Trigger Warning: The next part will talk about bullying, childhood trauma and mental health issues, alongside the misunderstandings and misconceptions about trauma. If such topics are too much for you, please ignore this post.

I always wondered as to why when I was younger, the other kids either mocked me or could not understand me. Now that I am older, I realize that the other children were the same as me or a lot different than me. Those who I feel closest to are the ones who have felt the same pain and suffering I have.

Those like me, they weren't given help or support. They are alive, but can you say that they're alive when they are only doing what they need for survival?

When I was in school, I was bullied. I cannot remember the full extent of it, but I managed to have good grades nonetheless. I know that I was scared and that I had no support from those who were supposed to help me. I ended up having to move out of an apartment and transferred to a new school.

At first, it was fine. But, I started having persistent feelings of terror and helplessness. I did not know why at the time, but school became so much for me that I started skipping and lying about going there.

As I got older, no one decided to ask me if I was okay. No one wanted to know if I was feeling better, they all just forced me to go because they assumed that I was simply not used to school. The truth was that school was an unbearable reminder of what happened to me, every time I was there or even just reminded of it, I would feel like committing suicide because the pain was too much for me.

No teachers or even those who were supposed to know actually asked me if I was okay or what I felt. And even if they did, I could not give an answer because I did not know what I was going through, or I knew that they would not help me. Even if I did talk about my issues, I would just get told to, "Get over it."

"I am so glad to be here," I say, as I am eating myself alive, while keeping a mask that I don't want.

Eesti Keele Osa:

Ma juba tegin tähtise postituse enda teisel blogil (vocal-synth-computer), mis seletab kõik ära aga see blogi ei karda rääkida teematest mis on tõsised ja ebamugavad. Siin on minu mõtted ja tunded, koos kommentaaridega ühiskonna kohta. Ma panen hoiatused, kui on vajalik.

NB! Järgmine osa räägib kiusamisest, lapsepõlve kriisist (traumast) ja vaimse tervise probleemidest, koos kriisi (trauma) arvamustest. Kui see on sinu jaoks liiga palju, siis palun ignoreeri seda postitust.

Ma alati mõtlesin kui ma noorem olin, sellest miks teised lapsed mind mõnitasid või ei saanud minust aru. Ma olen nüüd vanem ja ma nüüd mõistan, et need teised lapsed olid nagu mina, või minust erinesid. Need kes on minule lähedad, on need kes on tundnud täpselt sama valu ja kannatust mida mina tean.

Need nagu mina, neile ei antud abi ega tuge. Nad on elus aga kas sa saad öelda, et nad on elus kui nad teevad ainult seda, et nad elus oleksid?

Kui ma olin koolis, mind kiusati. Ma ei mäleta kõike sellest ajast aga mul olid head hinded sellel ajal ikkagi. Ma tean, et ma kardsin ja mul ei olnud tuge nendelt kes pidid mind aitama. Ma pidin korterist välja kolima ja hakkasin käima uues koolis.

Alguses, kõik oli korras. Aga, ma hakkasin tundma päris tihti sellist hirmu ja abitust. Ma ei teadnud miks nooremalt aga kool oli muutunud minu jaoks liiga palju, nii palju, et ma hakkasin tunde jätma vahele ja valetema selle kohta.

Kui ma sain vanemaks, mitte keegi ei otsustanud minult küsida kas mul on kõik hästi. Mitte keegi ei tahtnud teada kas mul on parem olla, nad kõik lihtsalt tahtsid, et ma läheksin kuna nad arvasid, et ma ei ole harjunud kooliga. Tegelikult, minu jaoks oli kool talumatu meeldetuletus sellest mis minuga juhtus. Iga kord kui ma olin seal või isegi sain meeldetuletuse, ma tahtsin sooritada enesetappu, kuna see valu oli minu jaoks talumatu.

Õpetajad või teised kes pidid teadma, ei küsinud minult kuidas mul läheb või mida ma tundsin. Ja isegi kui nad tegid seda, ma ei saanud vastust anda kuna ma ei teadnud, või ma teadsin, et nad ei aita mind. Kui ma rääkisin enda muredest, mulle lihtsalt öeldi, et ma peaksin sellest üle saama.

"Ma olen väga õnnelik, et ma siin olen," ma ütlen, kui ma söön ise ennast, samal ajal kannan maski mida ma ei taha.