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Today was a hard day,

I don’t know if it’s because it’s Mother’s Day and I’m a complex medical parent or if it’s because we’ve had a hard week that’s left us in survival mode.

I don’t know how I’m gonna do this, I don’t know if I’m strong enough. The uncertainty weighs heavy.

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It’s been awhile……… a while since I wrote out my tears, a while since I had a molecule of energy to express a drop of emotion.

Being a mother is the most rewarding and the most heartbreaking. I’ve dreamt of this for all of my adult life but I never thought it be this way. Needles, tubes, monitors, emergencies. Watching you suffer and go through what no little boy should have to.

They call it Dravet.

Something I had never heard of, now my worst nightmare.

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Your love for me is like a wild fire, surrounds me with warmth and keeps my eternal flame burning.

Some days I’m afraid to get too close, fearful I will get burnt.

Some days your smoke suffocates me, as I am still not used to your intensity.

Then there is the days I want it to engulf me and sweep me up entirely. Those days are becoming more frequent.

I crave you!

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Letter to my past self.

Dear me,

I see you suffering, I know it’s exhausting. You’ve been thinking about ending your life a lot lately. if I tell you right now that as time goes by, your life becomes amazing and worth living; you probably won’t believe me but it does! You’ve tiptoed around this house for far too long, there will be a time you plant those feet firmly. You’ve cried yourself to sleep on a nightly basis, nights eventually long for your tears. You pray for your life to be taken, but now you’re so grateful to be alive. You’re so much stronger than you believe, and you’re special…. So special.

You are resilient, creative and beautifully broken.

You are kind, thoughtful and a little wild.

You love with all your heart, and you’re worthy of that same love.

You’re worthy of that same love.

You’re given that same … love….

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You’re not alone.

What would you write to your past self?

What would you say to that anxiety filled teenager? That fearful child? That scared daughter? That angry son?

If you could write a letter to yourself in a time that was tough or unbearable, what would it say?

How would you help yourself if you could be that person you desperately needed at that time?

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Is this what happiness feels like? Should I crush it now before it becomes too uncomfortable? Should I look for something to be mad about? Should I dramatise my life so I can feel at ease again? Should I contact my mother so she can tell me about her selfish ways and try to make me pity her?

I think I’ll ride this out.

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HELLO CONTENTMENT! Oh how I have dreamt of you.

I didn’t know you were real, that you truly existed, please stay.

Don’t abandon me too.

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My therapist said there is two types of “Fuck this”,

Fuck this, I give up!

Or

Fuck this, I’ll keep going!

Which fuck this do you want to be? You get to decide!

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Am I starting to grow wings?

I’m peeling away my cocoon like vintage floral wallpaper in an old Victorian home, I feel the evolution starting to swallow me, HELP! I am to comfortable in my old skin, just being the caterpillar. It’s time, I remind myself, tell myself that it is ok to feel, to become something more than what your learned behaviours tell you to be. These wings have been pushing through these comfortable layers of protection, it’s time…… I whisper….. your wings will be ever so beautiful.

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My therapist says that a lot of people wake up with stress already in their mind, for those with anxiety, depression or other mental illnesses, that stress might look a little different. We can only handle so much stress in one day, before our mood shifts or burnout starts, then it’s emotions flying off the handles or we are crippled by our own thoughts.

Imagine your stress holder looks like a bucket,

Before you even start the day, how full is that bucket?

Then ask yourself, how to reduce the stress that has gotten your bucket half full?

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The Darkness

I am the darkness that surrounds you I am the weight that bears down on you I am the emptiness that consumes you I am the pain that never fades I am depression

I whisper in your ear, telling you that you're alone That no one cares, that you're better off on your own I convince you that you're not good enough That you'll never amount to anything, that you're a failure I tell you that you're worthless, that you should give up

I make you feel like you're drowning Like you're suffocating under the weight of the world I make you feel like you're stuck in quicksand Like you're never going to escape my grasp

I cloud your thoughts with negativity I make it hard for you to see the good in anything I twist your perception of reality I make you doubt your own abilities

But I am not who you are I am just a temporary visitor You are strong, you are brave You are capable of overcoming me Don't let me define you Don't let me win You are so much more than this darkness You are worthy of love and happiness Don't give up, keep fighting You will find your way out of the shadows

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While reading, I saw a sentence that stood out to me.

“Because alone in the dark the devil can tell you whatever the hell he wants.”

This stood out to me because of the overall truth it speaks, whether you believe in a higher power or not, we all have something that reaches out to us in the darkness, how do we defend ourselves from it?

Christian believe in putting on the armor of Christ.

Through prayer, strength, love and belief, we will conquer all.

We are fighters, and forever have something to fight for and against!

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Anxiety, how can I help?

Anxiety can be a difficult and overwhelming experience, but it's important to remember that it's a normal and natural part of life. Everyone experiences anxiety from time to time, and it can actually be a useful response to certain situations. It's when anxiety becomes persistent and excessive that it can start to interfere with daily life and well-being.

If you're struggling with anxiety, there are several things you can do to manage it and find some relief:

1. Practice relaxation techniques: Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and mindfulness meditation are all effective ways to calm your body and mind.

2. Exercise regularly: Physical activity can help reduce anxiety by releasing endorphins and promoting feelings of relaxation.

3. Get enough sleep: Lack of sleep can contribute to anxiety, so it's important to make sure you're getting enough rest.

4. Eat a healthy diet: A well-balanced diet can help improve your mood and reduce anxiety.

5. Talk to someone: Sharing your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional can help you feel less alone and provide a sense of support.

Remember that it's okay to ask for help when you're struggling with anxiety. There are many resources available, including therapy and medication, that can help you manage your anxiety and lead a more fulfilling life.

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I feel like these last couple of weeks have been some of the best I’ve had, just all round, mentally, physically and emotionally. I recognize it, and I want to celebrate it. But why am I needing others to recognize is too?

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I come to the realization (with help from my therapist) that I don’t give myself enough credit for my accomplishments, no matter how big or small.

Here is just a short list, as I am sure there is many more.

I have traveled to the other side of the world and built a life.

I have grown into a women that refuses to allow her past trauma to get in the way of building that life.

I have a marriage that I never thought I would have.

I have a job that I love and that gives me purpose.

I have made friends, even when I felt that it seemed impossible.

I have build great relationships with my husbands family.

I have built boundaries in order to protect myself from further emotional damage.

These steps are just the beginning of a transformation that’s yet to come, from here on out I’m moving forward to break that cycle so I can be the person that I was meant to be all along.

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A client said to me “no one’s gonna recognise me when I get out, because I’m obsessed with Jesus”

This really made my soul light up. Someone who is suffering, whether it be drug and alcohol abuse, mental health, physical/mental/emotional trauma, with God at the centre of your struggle, it becomes less of a burden to you. You no longer go through your struggles alone.

With God all things are possible.

When you’re struggling, take it to Jesus.

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Before becoming a Christian I had this idea that Christians are perfect, that they live a certain way and that I’ll never measure up to that…. Overtime I came to understand that’s not true but still when I made the decision to come to Christ I had a bit of an identity crisis, alcohol, tattoos, coloring my hair, piercings, the way I dressed to the way I was as a person, my whole personality, heck even the people I was around. It all felt like I needed to completely be different, years went by and I came to realise that who I was on the surface didn’t need changing, it was my soul and morality that did. My way of thinking needed an adjustment. Sure who you are on the outside can reflect what’s going on inside but that doesn’t mean that you have to trade in your studded belt for a pencil skirt. For a while there I was worried about fitting in but it turned out that I didn’t need to.

Every single person on this earth is broken whether we choose to believe that or not. Some days I still struggle with that, but it’s important to realise that God has a plan for all of us and we as God’s children are here for a reason. I doubt Gods looking at your nose piercing or your rose tattoo and thinking “oh she’s ruined the plan, she out”

We are here to know Jesus and make Jesus known.