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wellthatsjustmylifenow-blog · 7 years

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Tuesday 12th December

Before i moved to my current placement (where it is just me) i had 2 previous placements, which were supposed to be my "forever home" but just after a year both broke down and i sort of ended up where i am now by accident. In my previous placements i lived with other children, foster siblings as such. For the sake of this blog we will call my first long term carer Joyce and my second Helen.

I moved to Joyce's a week after my 13th birthday (at the end of the summer holidays) and left just before halloween. In the year i spent there i must have lived with around 8 children. Maximum 3 at a time. But normally only one or two. Helen had an adopted daughter, who was a handful, around my age (i was 14-15 when i lived there) and every so often would respite (look after a child for a weekend).

After moving from Helens, i was in a bad state. (Which is why i moved) and so it was agreed that i would move in with my current family, Cathy and Paul. It was made clear that i needed a lot of support so it was vital that i was the only child in the placement. Cathy and Paul accepted this and a promised to me that i was theirs and they would love me forever, i was the only one. That was the condition. Only. Me.

Skip forward 20 months and everything is great. Ive just walked in from school and plodded my self down on the sofa (my sofa) to see the "family" pad on the table, which they dont usually use, so in my confusion i pick it up. There . Written into google in clear font is

"Fostering babies in kent"

My heart stops. I read it again. And then once more outloud. My carers just unpacking their stuff in the kitchen make their way in. The room is tense. I ask them what this is and they reply "we have been asked to consider it"

Quote.

Heres when the whole shebang of lying, anxiety and tense-ness started.

Okay so they want a baby. Great. When i turn 18 (in 9 months) they want to permanently foster a baby. So they are basically having a child.

As i said earlier, i came to this placement by accident when i was 16. Meaning by the age of 18 i would of only had 2/3 years with them. Before im gone. Flown the nest.

Also fostering a baby is a terrible idea, for many reasons. One, Cathy hates babies. Two, Paul is disabled and gets tired very easy, lambing took a huge toll on him last year. Imagine a what 18 years would do.

I told them this.

They said

"We are really being pressured to"

I said

"I thought you were asked to CONSIDER"

I had them there. Caught them out.

Paul stuttered.

"Well uh, both?"

Lairs.

Cathy was being extra bitchy about it too, i told them how i felt and she completely ignored my feelings.

Which are:

1. I feel hurt, i feel hurt that they would "consider" something so huge and not involve me. Not even tell me. I had to find out from accidently coming across search history. On google.

2. Im jealous. Im jealous that after them saying maybe a baby is a bad idea that they now want a toddeler. (Before i accidently came, they planned on getting two toddelers.) As in a 2-4 year old. That will get to spend 16 years with. Compared to my 2/3 that is nothing. Nothing. Thats forgettable.

3. I feel replaced. Ill be gone soon, and they want a young child who they can raise, give the childhood too they always wanted. They always say that they feel bad that they didn't know me sooner and they which they had more time with me. And thats what they are getting. With someone else. They always wanted a toddeler, and when im gone thats what they will be getting, and i feel totally worthless. Like im not what they want. I was just a mere 2 years preventing them from what they really wanted.

4. I feel irrelevant. I keep saying they arent taking into account my feelings. They argue they are. But clearly they arent because if they were they would understand how heartbroken and hurt i am. I think about it every minute of they day. Its made me ill. I get anxious , my heart racing. Ive had atleast 3 crying attacks at school because of it. Cathy says she is taking my feelings into account. But at the end of they day. They want it. So its happening. Clearly they havent noticed how much its affecting me.

5. Selfish. Yes im selfish. Im selfish that i want them all to myself. But then again. Thats what THEY PROMISED me. But clearly when i turn 18 all promises are void. What about the promise i can stay as long as i like? Or that they will love me forever? Yeah. Exactly. Im selfish that im denying a child a home. And yeah i feel AWFUL about it, honestly. But they are also selfish for stabbing me in the back.

6. I feel betrayed. In 2 ways. One because i have a suspicion this was the plan all along. They have basically admitted it. So ive been lied to the whole time. And secondly because they told me we were moving house to 1. Get away from our horrible neighbours and 2. To have more space for me. Which is such a shitty cover up now because clearly its not to have space for me, but for another child. (Cathy has already talked about colour schemes for there stating the spare room must be "unisex" , clearly for the child not as a spare guest bedroom).

7. I feel they are being unrealistic. A toddeler is A LOT of work and clearly they are living in a fantasy world if they think they can handle it. Im not going to be around to help 24/7. They have 0 experience with young children (unlike me). Its a dream. And a shitty one at that. Paul has a disability and will not cope with that much work, Cathy is never home. Both have really bad anxiety (which they are in denial about, and panic easily). Great qualities to look after a energetic child. Paul is also a massive softly and would never decipline them so it would be choas. Its just never going to work or fit into their lifestyle. They will hate it.

8. Im heartbroken. Heart broken they lied to me. Heartbroken they may not of told me till i was 18. Im heartbroken they always said i was theirs, and i would be the only one. Im heartbroken that they dont see how much this affects me. That they are so blind in their dream to say "youre going to be a big sister" and think everything will be great and so happy and perfect in one big white picket fence family. With no struggles or strife. Which their will be, a lot of. They just about coped, well they didnt, with me in the bad times. And they want to do that all again. For 16 years??

9. I feel abandoned. I feel abandoned because they think once im 18 i will be settled and fine and no longer have anxiety. I feel abandoned because they have a new project, new toy to make them feel validated and im not good enough. Never was because i wasnt what they wanted, i never was.

10. I feel so many things. I feel alone, hurt, selfish, stupid. Everyday i spend with them i feel like its one less day im spending with them. Before im forgetten about. They say they wont forget about me, i know but, i can compete with an adorable 2 year old for 16 years. I wont be here for 16 years. I get 4 tops. And don't be stupid and say im never leaving because i will. And we wont be one big happy family. You will be a happy family. I will be alone. You lied to me, you betrayed me, you called ME selfish for rejecting a child a home. Yet you are completely pushing me out. If you adopted that child (which you deny will happen but i know you will) that child will be so much more yours than i will ever or ever have been. Even if you dont adopt them. You get to raise them, go through their entire life with them, birthdays, first love, exams, puberty, embarrassing hairstyles, new school. Everything that i couldnt have. That child will be yours. And i will never be. Im nothing. Im worthless. Im gone.

I dont know what to do, or how to feel anymore.

#foster care #you lied #hurt #sad #depressed #anxiety #story #long #personal #home

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