whatwouldbravedo-blog

[whatwouldbravedo-blog]

Breakdown A year ago was the end of my first and online lesbian relationship. It was only 4 weeks but apparently in lesbian years it's the equivalent to 6 months. It was a whirlwind that I wasn't ready for. She was savage in the bed and with my heart. After being in a committed relationship for 8 years walking into this storm of emotions I wasn't ready for what I was about to endure. I wasn't ready for someone with such beauty to choose me. I wasn't ready for the brief yet amazing sexual heights she would take me to and as much as I tried to avoid the fall, fell. I fell heard and nothing broke my fall. She ended it by going by to her abusive ex, I told she had to do what she had to do but I broke inside that day. In my brokenness my sweet 4 year old son put some of his love on my brokenness but I was broken beyond repair. I was so broken it was in my DNA strand. As I tried to hold it together my life began to fall apart, slowly. One Friday I was taking the scenic route home, the previous day I had got shook and decided to take the streets home from Santa Ana to South Central. As I was driving, I came over a hill a little too fast and my anxiety took over my bones. I found a safe place to pull over because I felt like I wasn't in my car, I felt like I was in a pool drowning. I felt like I had nothing to hold on to. I had to drive 1 to two blocks at a time panicking everytime I had to cross an intersection. I had a friend talk me through a panic attack as I sat in some industrial park between Santa Ana and LA. I can still feel how deep in my bones that anxiety was, it hurt. When I got home I chalked it up to being exhausted and assumed with sleep I'd be ok. But it wasn't. Little did I know rapidly my ability to drive would dwindle to being only able to drive on my street and park.

[whatwouldbravedo-blog]

Yoni Wand

So when I received my yoni egg this thing flew out of the envelope. WTF is it you ask? A yoni wand. Its made out of black obsidian just like my egg.

You may be wondering, "what do you do with a yoni wand?" My answer,"whatever the fuck you want." This things isn't that big but those curved ends are meant to touch your g-spot.

You may be wondering,"Did you use it?" Yeah I did. It was amazing. I'll post more if you're curious.

[whatwouldbravedo-blog]

My black Obsidian yoni egg. I just got it yesterday. I love it! It's no joke, Obsidian absorbs negative energies. I had a pretty severe disconnect from my yoni when I gave birth to my son. I had to have an emergency c-section and I had all these hands in my yoni. Strangers sticking there hands in my sacred space just doing their job. I believe the C-Section plus the epidural numbed my connection to my yoni. It took me years to get a connection to it. I'm hoping the black obsidian will absorb the negativity and restore my yoni to the sacred and loving space it used to be. #csection #postpartum #yoni #yoniegg #yonihealing #blackobsidian #selflove #selfcare #sacredspace #renew

[whatwouldbravedo-blog]

Queen of Rejection

Dear Brave,

Why would I constantly set myself up to ask women out only to be rejected. The last woman called me brave for my effort. Actually, a few of my rejections have had that response. I don't know why anyone else does it but for me it's for peace of mind. Unasked questions rattle around in my brain like a ball in a pinball machine. Once I get the answer, my brain has peace. With that peace I can move on. I can go back to being normal. As a newly out woman I can't tell the difference between friendship and romantic intentions so I have to ask the difficult questions.

Some days I wonder how stupid could I be to keep putting myself out there? Why would anyone ask anyone out knowing that in the last year 100% of the people you asked out said,"no." What's wrong with me? Am I brave or am I a fool?

[whatwouldbravedo-blog]

#metoo. This protest feels like the Valentine's Day of marches. On Valentine's day you're really good to your significant other so it can block the 364 days when you weren't. It's so amazing and inspirational this one day in January but where will you and your pussy hat be in May? Will your solidarity be there when you and I are going for the same job and they choose you because your white? Prettier than me? Straight? Will we be united and sisters then? Wow, look at us marching, cheering and crying but will you be there in July when the shit hits the fan?

[whatwouldbravedo-blog]

I like you

Dear Brave,

I told my crush I like her via text message. I'm not the type to say those things via text but the last time I tried to tell her face to face it went side ways and I some how ended up proclaiming I liked her as a friend. Like only as a friend. So I tried to say it via text where she can see it in black and white.

Hours later, no response no request for clarification and I feel foolish. It's always scary trying to communicate your feelings but faithfully I run up to the crush dragon and proclaim my feelings and whatever happens after that is what happens.

Why, why would someone put themselves out there to get hurt or look stupid? Have you seen your sex face? Sometimes it looks stupid bit it feels good so you don't care. My rejection numbers are high in 2017 every woman I had a crush on rejected me and that's fine becuase it was also my first year being out and dating as a queer lady. A queer lady who came out in her late 30's, with a kid and a pending divorce. That's alot!

So here I am being vulnerable, laying it out for all to see and trusting that whatever happens I'll be ok.

[whatwouldbravedo-blog]

Home

I had a dream about you. I dreamt I was standing in front of the first place I remember living at. As I stood in front of it I turned my head to the left and there you were. We smiled at one another. I walked over to you and for once gave up on trying to find the words to express how I felt about you. Instead I just turned and kissed you.

When I kissed you I opened the door to the home in me and your tongue grabbed the doorknob. Your tongue opened that door with an urgency I thought only I felt.

Welcome Home.

[whatwouldbravedo-blog]

Lonely

Dear Brave,

I'm lonely. After 8 years of being with someone and a year of being single. I miss being touched. I'm not totally isolated. My friends hug me but that's not the kind of touching I'm talking about. I miss the warmth of someone's hand on my waist just above my hip. I miss being kissed. I miss the heat that two bodies create. Maybe, I feel so lonely because it's Winter and I don't have anywhere to rest my toes.

I spent the last year hiding in the crowd of my gay friends. The light of 2018 has been quite the reality check. It's telling me if I really want to get anywhere, if I really want to find that special someone I'm going to have to walk this part alone.

Dear Brave what would you do to cure this season of loneliness?

Sincerely,

Lonely

[whatwouldbravedo-blog]

Alone

Dear Brave,

Last year I lost everything, my marriage, my son, the dog, my job, my ability to drive, my unemployment. It just seemed as the year progressed things kept leaving.

This new year I see my friends partnering up or pursing new avenues that have pulled us in different directions. I feel so alone. My default is to find something outside of myself to make me feel good but I don't drink, use drugs, drink coffee or smoke cigarettes. I haven't had sex in 10 months(not on purpose). I'm so sick of myself yet I feel as if all these things are being pulled away so that I can see clearly what direction I'm meant to go in.

I'm scared! What if I fuck up even more and never get laid again?

[whatwouldbravedo-blog]

Out

Dear Brave,

Happy New Year! I’m so proud of myself. I survived my first year being out. That shit isn’t easy, being damn near 40, looking 50 but feeling 15. Like how many crushes did I have? I was just a horny teenage boy popping a woody anytime one of my beautiful gal pals gave me any attention.

Fortunately, one of my wise gay pals said,“maybe you should focus on the friend part of girlfriend?” Can you say flabbergasted! When she said that it slowed me down immensely. Relunctantly, I stopped pursuing people who weren’t into me and started learning how to be a gay friend. An out queer woman who loves women but also needs and values their friendship.

It’s a journey to be friends within the pool you’re attracted to and not taint friendships. Sometimes, I risked the friendship to gain a relationship. Sometimes I kept my feelings to myself out of fear of losing the friendship if they knew how I really feel.

Currently, I’m batting 100% no one I had a crush on has liked me back. So in 2018 I’m just going to keep my hands reaching back to myself until the Universe sends her. I know for fact if I continue to embrace and love the queer me I can not go wrong.

[whatwouldbravedo-blog]

Write Like No One's Watching

[whatwouldbravedo-blog]

Write Like No One's Watching

[whatwouldbravedo-blog]

Broken

Dear Brave,

You ever not want to get put the bed? You ever feel like Humpty Dumpty? You know, "All the kings knights and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty back together again." Usually, I try to fuck my way through pain but I don't want to use people that way. What would you do?

[whatwouldbravedo-blog]

[whatwouldbravedo-blog]

Opposites Attract?

Dear Brave,

I have this crush, she's amazing! She's smart, funny, kind and patient. We've been friends for a while and I know that we have a few differences. She loves Taylor Swift, I can't stand the girl. She's athletic, I'm super supportive. She likes femmes, I'm femme adjacent. She's quiet and I'm loud. I don't know. They say opposites attract but how opposite is too much?

Sincerely,

Paula

[whatwouldbravedo-blog]

Stuck

Dear Brave,

I'm a writer but I've never written anything that anyone other than my teachers have read. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have book ideas, screenplay ideas but when I sit down and try to write nothing comes out. If a teacher gives me an assignment I'll get it done but left on my own I got nothing. I know I'm talented but I just can't seem to find inspiration on my own. What would Brave do?

Sincerely,

Stuck

[whatwouldbravedo-blog]

Issues by Julia Michaels