whisperingjournals

[whisperingjournals]

Women, Work, and Not Losing Yourself

I was helping a dear friend navigate the world of remote work when something hit me. Women. Marriage. Work. A cycle between who we were, who we've become, and who we’re still trying to be. She has been a devoted wife and mother for years. She loves her family. No regrets. But recently, she said, “I miss a part of myself.” A part of her that still longs to create, contribute, and grow. So she made a decision. She wants to work again. This time, on her terms. Remote, flexible. With space for both her kids and her dreams. And I’m happy for her. Or more like, “YEAH! Join the remote cult, babe!” 😂 Watching her made me reflect: what we give up and what we hope to keep. Especially when I think about my own choices and the questions people ask me, like, “When are you getting married?” And I always say that I’m not ready. Not ready to lose myself. Not ready to take on a new role when I’m still figuring this one out. In many homes where I live, people still think a woman’s place is in the kitchen. When I say I work from home, they say, “Oh, great.” Not because of what I do, but because I’m home. Because I’m a woman. But remote work is work. Just like any other job. (But that’s another rant for another day.) If I do become a wife one day, I hope I can hold on to myself. Grow into more of who I could be. Do gardening. Try baking. And even though I’m not good at cooking, I’d still love to try — not burning the kitchen, ha! And maybe, write more. That thought reminded me of my mom. My mom was a great writer. We didn’t have ChatGPT back then. We had her. School essays. My cousin’s graduation speech. We’d always turn to her. She once said, “I wonder what life would’ve been like if I had focused on writing.” I still think about that. Life is about holding on to the parts of ourselves that make us 𝑢𝑠, even when everything else changes. Watching my friend step back into work made me realize that growth doesn’t stop. It just takes new shapes. My mom never had “writer” in her bio. But part of her lives on in how I see the world — messy, imperfect, and full of meaning. Maybe that’s why words matter so much to me. So I hope being a wife, a mother, or whatever role comes next isn’t about losing yourself. I want to believe it's about keeping those pieces of who you are. Because, as they say in Divergent, “There’s a certain beauty in your resistance.”

[whisperingjournals]

Bukan di Cermin, Tapi di Dapur: Cerita Tentang Aku

"Tell me about yourself." Kalimat yang pasti muncul di setiap wawancara kerja. Aku merasa menjelaskan siapa aku dalam konteks profesional jauh lebih mudah ketimbang menjelaskan, “Siapa, sih, aku?” di kehidupan sehari-hari.

Karenanya aku mencoba untuk bercermin - melihat jauh ke dalam refleksiku untuk menemukan "Siapa aku".

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Tapi, berjam-jam berdiri di depan kaca, aku engga menemukan siapapun. Engga nemu apa yang aku cari. Jadi aku pergi ke dapur untuk cek, siapa tahu ada makanan.

Karena engga ada yang bisa langsung dimakan, aku putuskan masak nasi goreng... Aku suka wangi bawang merah saat digoreng. Momen memasukkan potongan-potongan bawang merah ke dalam minyak panas adalah salah satu momen favoritku - sederhana tapi satisfying. Aku enggak suka bau bawang merah yang gosong, jadi aku lumayan hati-hati mantau pas mereka lagi berendam.

Soal makanan, aku itu picky eater. Karenanya aku jadi belajar masak. Aku juga lumayan rewel soal rasa makanan. Keluargaku kadang harus nunggu approval dari aku untuk masakan mereka, haha!

Tapi ternyata aku enggak cuma picky soal rasa. Aku juga picky soal bau. Enggak semua bau makanan bikin aku nyaman. Bahkan kadang, bau makanan bisa bikin aku tambah lapar... atau malah ilfil. (Tapi entah kenapa, aku suka durian! Buah yang dibenci banyak orang karena baunya, padahal menurutku wangi durian tuh... khas dan memanggil.)

Selain wangi bawang merah goreng, aku juga suka sama aroma apel merah. Menurutku baunya beda dari apel hijau, atau apel yang kulitnya campuran pink dan kuning? Ada aroma khas di apel merah yang manis, segar, dan bersih. Enak banget kalau dimakan setelah makan nasi goreng.

Di dapur, aku juga suka banget menata piring dan gelas sesuai ukuran dan jenis. Kadang kalau lihat mereka ditaruh asal, aku tata ulang. Adikku bilang aku itu OCD, tapi menurutku enggak juga, mungkin cuma... sedikit perfeksionis.

Tinggal bareng keluarga ngajarin aku satu hal: bukan mereka yang harus ikutin kebiasaanku, tapi aku yang harus belajar sabar. Jadi kalau face wash A pindah ke depan face wash B, ya aku balikin aja sendiri. Tanpa drama, tapi dalam hati, "Tolong, jangan dipindah lagi ya," 😮‍💨 (Aku engga sabar punya rumah sendiri...)

Di tempat tidur, aku juga punya aturan sendiri. Boneka beruangku harus ada di sisi kiri tempat tidur, boneka sapiku harus ada di sisi satunya. Enggak tahu sejak kapan, tapi yang pasti posisinya begitu. Kalau pakai selimut, tag selimutnya harus ada di ujung kiri atas. Kaku banget, ya? 😅

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Aku kira “aku” itu ada di cermin. Ternyata, aku lebih banyak nemuin "aku" di dapur, di tempat tidur, dan di hal-hal kecil yang sering dianggap sepele.

Di wangi bawang merah yang pelan-pelan berubah warna. Di apel merah dingin yang sengaja disimpan buat dimakan setelah nasi goreng. Di urutan piring dan face wash yang harus konsisten. Di tag selimut dan boneka yang enggak boleh pindah posisi. Di sabar yang kupelajari karena tinggal bareng orang lain.

Tapi aku juga tahu, aku masih jauh lebih banyak dari semua itu.

Aku bisa serius, juga bisa absurd. Bisa cerewet soal detail, tapi juga bisa "Ya, terserah, lah!". Kadang kaku, kadang chaos. Aku hidup di tengah-tengah, antara aturan kecil yang kubuat sendiri, dan dunia luar yang enggak bisa selalu aku ikuti.

Jadi kalau kamu tanya, “Siapa aku?” Mungkin jawabannya masih berubah-ubah. Tapi percayalah, aku sedang, dan akan terus, mencoba mencari tahu. Sambil masak nasi goreng.

Lalu kamu sendiri, kalau ditanya “siapa kamu”, kamu bakal mulai jawab dari mana?

[whisperingjournals]

The Ramadan That Slipped Away

This Ramadan was the worst Ramadan for me, sadly…

I remember being so enthusiastic about welcoming Ramadan, counting down the days, imagining the peace and closeness I would feel. But then, that enthusiasm faded—slowly, day by day, until it disappeared completely.

Even now, I don’t know who or what to blame. But if I had to point at someone… it would be me.

I couldn’t even taste the essence of Ramadan, the intimate moments of being close to God. I didn’t have them.

Instead, I drowned. Drowned in the endless ocean of work, of tasks, of exhaustion. I forgot the existence of God—especially in this sacred month, when I should have remembered Him the most.

And now that Ramadan is slipping away, I feel its absence like an ache.

Forgive me for neglecting you. I don’t want to feel this way again.

[whisperingjournals]

Another Day, Another Jack

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Who’s this gorgeous 🤷🏻‍♀️👀😊

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New day, new hope, new chances.

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Just Jack

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“Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You’re doing just fine.”

— Charlotte Eriksson

[whisperingjournals]

“Something I learned about people. If they do it once, they’ll do it again.”

— lomasdope

[whisperingjournals]

How To Make Millions People Cry

Yesterday was a quiet day at work - I had nothing on my plate - and since it was a public holiday here, I decided to give it a break and went to the cinema to watch a movie with my cousin and siblings.

We decided to watch How To Make Millions Before Grandma Dies. I've heard many people talking about it and have given good reviews about this movie. They said this movie is going to make you cry.

Now, when I go to the cinema, I usually watch horror movies. I was rather excited about leaving work than watching the movie. But, it's not hurting trying another genre. So we bought 4 tickets.

When the movie began, it was a bit difficult for me to follow the plot. Even up to the day I'm writing this, I have no idea how Amah was Related to Agong...?

But, they were right! They were absolutely right when they said this movie will make you cry. This movie made me cry, a lot! If I could, I'd cry out loud. And I heard many people sobbing at the cinema! Not to mention, after the movie ended, we headed out to the exit and all I saw were people with swollen eyes 😭😅

You will notice from the title, this movie has something to do with a grandma. Yes. It's about a family, consisting of Amah with his 3 children, and M as her grandson.

M was not such a sweet grandson, from the beginning he didn't seem to care much about his grandma but his game! But then he changed his attitude and tried to take care of his (dying) grandma. Was he truly being genuine, and trying to make a redemption and do something good for his grandma before she passes? It mentioned in the movie that he never shows up to the family gathering, and never visits her grandma... so what's the deal here?

Despite his intention, M did try his best to take care of Amah - his grandma. You will see how Amah finally accepted M to take care of her, You will see them developing a closer bond, and growing trust, and you will see them becoming a real grandma and grandson as days go by. You will smile, laugh, and (must) cry.

You will also see Amah point of view as and elder, a grandma, and as a mother. You will see and feel what is it like to be her. Well, aren't we going to be older, becoming mother-father, grandma-grandpa...? some of us will, eventually.

So, did Amah die? Yes. Is that the sad part? yes and no. This doesn't give me a roller coaster emotion, rather, it gives me a constant feeling. It just gives me the right emotion, not overexposed the sadness... it just serves me right.

What else is good about this movie is; the cinematography, the vibe, the music background, and the lullaby. Everything just blends in the movie well.

One thing that is very true from this movie is "Time". Spend time with your loved ones before it's too late. Spend time with your parents, and grandparents, because they want nothing from us but time.

9/10

[whisperingjournals]

Every Day Is A New Day

Last night I remember talking to my friend about "There's always something new every day", and "Every day is a new day. I'm looking forward to it."

The next morning, it came true ✨

So, every morning, I will check my cat's litter box. But this morning, was something different, something NEW!

My cat had diarrhea and her poop was all over the place :) and did I get mad at her? No. I was rather confused.

HOW ON EARTH DID SHE POOP ON THE LID?? It's an enclosed cat litter box, did she really jump on the top and "Ah, nice place. I'mma poop here"...

It was 5 in the morning, I sighed. Thinking what should I do first? how do I clean this mess? dealing with a cat's diarrhea at 5 in the morning seems like a great thing to start a day 😉

I took the litter box out, and pour the poop with the cat's litter all over the lid. I made sure all poop was covered 👍🏻

I came back inside and "I NEED A CUP OF HOT TEA!" I can't miss my tea ☕️🍵

My cat watched me while I was making my tea. Those blue eyes, widen... how can I get mad at this furr ball?

After having tea time, let's rock and roll! You don't wanna know how I get rid of her magic dust... please don't make me tell you the details 🙏🏻

Long story short, all were cleaned and washed. I let my cat out because she wanted to play outside - wrong move! -

I thought it was good for her to breathe fresh air (and for me to have "me time"). Around 10-20 minutes later, I heard cats fighting, and when I checked... Yes! My cat was in the fight 😫😩

There was a stray male cat and they just started to fight. My cat tried to run away, but the male one ran after her 😭 They ran here and there and I had to run here and there too! I had to save my cat. And finally, I was able to shoo the stray cat away. My cat looked terrified and kept hissing at me. The worst part was she was covered in dirt all over.

Bath time 🫧

It was my first time to do that. I was getting excited! At least, I finally learned how to do it myself. I usually let a pro groom her. I thought it was gonna be difficult, but she was quite calm. And sure she tried to escape, but I managed to keep her still while I cleaned her body.

Look at this baby! clean like a brand new cat 😋

Every day is a new day 😆 Oh, the magic didn't stop there! I received a message from my former manager. Maybe there's a job for me or he's just saying hi 😅 After all, It's good to keep in touch with coworkers to keep connections open 🙂😇

So, yeah... what a day!

How's your day? Is there anything new happening? 😉

[whisperingjournals]

Nooshin Ghanbari, from "transient"

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When you surrender, give up the fear of thoughts, and give up the control of a situation, you open the way for a miracle to take place. -Iyanla Vanzant-

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Waiting

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Hope

I feel devastated. I am devastated— for throwing away my chance. I am a failure, aren't I? For I wasn't fighting enough, for giving up too early.

But Dear God, please have mercy on me. For I have my reasons.

Dear God, please don’t lose hope in me. As long as hope exists, I’ll find my way to walk into tomorrow.

[whisperingjournals]

Monster Day

Today is Monday, it is the first day of the week. And guess what? I already cried at work! on Monday! Which is also known as Monster Day. I thought people were too much labeling the day, cus what’s wrong with Monday?? it is just a day, a normal day like the rest… until I met the monster myself! damn, said I… I cried!

So, before I cried, I suddenly felt this fear creeping inside me just 1 day before this Monster day came… I was so scared and I was not ready for what was coming. I remember staying in bed til 9 am, cus I was scared. But I had to get up, and I got up.

Long story short, I cried because I realized I’m facing the monster. I could not help but cry for its existence, for whatever fear it shares with me. I never liked coffee, I meant, I would prefer tea. Tea helps me relax, But for today, thanks to the monster day, I finally took a cup of coffee. I thought coffee would help me face the monster day until it’s gone and Tuesday says ‘hi’.

So, here I am with my cat next to me, and a cup of iced coffee. Writing down all my feelings with my eyes getting dozed off (is coffee not working?)

But I should remind myself that this too shall pass. This happens, so let’s face it. This is not the end, and this should not make you quit. This happens and this is normal, cus life… this is life, ain’t nothing perfect about it. It’s not always gonna make you laugh and smile. So cry, wipe your tears, get up, and finish what you start!

What a day!

[whisperingjournals]

Mama Selalu Benar

Ditolak lagi. Entahlah… Awalnya pasti shock, sedih dan ingin menangis, marah sama diri sendiri. Takut membuat orang tua kecewa. Bagaimana tidak, 3 penolakan secara beruntun, loh…

Bukannya aku tidak berjuang, aku sudah memberikan yang terbaik. Aku sudah mengupayakan semampuku, tapi ternyata masih gagal.

Pagi tadi, dengan berat hati aku menyampaikan berita tidak menyenangkan ini ke mama.

“Ditolak, ma.”

Awalnya aku bisa melihat kekecewaan tergambar di wajah mama. Namun kemudian ia tersenyum.

“Ya udah, gak apa-apa. Mungkin belum rezekinya.”

Ingin sekali kumaki diriku, 3 kesempatan kok bisa sih kamu sia-siakan?? Kok kamu bisa gagal ketiganya sih?? Kok bisa???

“Teh, kalau kamu punya keinginan. Misal pengin kerja di sini, di sana. Minta sama Allah, dan juga mantapkan niatnya.”

Deg. Kata-kata mama serasa menampar pipi. Benar juga. Memang ketiga pekerjaan yang aku lamar mengharuskan aku untuk pindah. Terlebih salah satunya ke Eropa. Dan jujur saja, aku masih ragu untuk keluar rumah. Apalagi sejauh Eropa. Tentu saja aku ingin. Tapi rasa-rasanya aku (saat ini) memang belum siap. Kalau sejauh Jakarta saja aku masih enggan, apalagi Eropa kan?

Ingat kata mama, minta sama Allah dan mantapkan niatnya.

NB: Penolakan lebih baik daripada ketidakjelasan (ghosting).