wishfilled

[wishfilled]

I have so many things I want to accomplish.

I have a few books I want to write, some that I have already written, and some I want to get published.

I want to get property and set up my business so things can still function if I have a bad day.

I want to reorganize my home completely so that everything is more functional.

I want to finish all the paperwork I have yet to complete and need to finish.

I want to take more time for me. Time to read. Time to relax. Time to travel somehow, too, would be amazing.

I don't have time to blink, though. My schedule is beyond full. I can barely get myself out of bed to work, forget having extra energy to accomplish any of the aforementioned. I hate this. The dark, heavy, overbearing weight of the time change and shortened days bash my brain into non function.

I want to accomplish so much, but just surviving maxes me out.

[wishfilled]

PSA: the following post is about my mental health.

I manage my depression with medication and talk therapy. Once a year, my seasonal depression makes my meds seem like they are no longer working for about a week, typically just before the clocks change.

I find my depression is worse when I am unoccupied. I therefore purposefully fill my schedule with more clients than I typically can handle (as in I get no breaks and finish the day later than usual).

I know my random tears, fuzzy thoughts, and so on are all due to the extra darkness and so on. I know it's not my fault, and I know I am doing all I can to help myself. It's so hard, and I am mainly typing this out as a reminder to myself that I am okay.

I have reached out to the appropriate docs. I have and use a light box. My husband is great (tonight fed me and gave hugs as needed). My dog is my shadow and has my back. I am okay.

However, I really am not okay (as My Chemical Romance starts playing in my head). This battle never gets easier. I never know for certain when my mind is going to turn on itself. I have to handle this while still managing my diabetes, running my business, and normal life stuff. My mental health and physical health are individually full time jobs, but I get to juggle both AND everything else. There are times when it's just a bit too much.

I'm going to try to read and escape this world for a few hours. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

[wishfilled]

People without depression do not realize how much effort it takes to talk oneself into the shower. Yes, I know I'm dirty. Yes, I am a little uncomfortable. Yes, fixing everything is easily accomplished by taking a shower. I will do that tomorrow, though. Today, once again, I had to sit still and not move. I had to cuddle with my cat and not move. I did work on my phone and watched some TV and did not move.

Yes, now tomorrow will be more rushed and stressed. It's tomorrow's problem, though, which means today I can rest.

I wash my hands and face, I brush my teeth, and style my hair. I look okay and I don't smell. I did SO much today. It is okay that I am showering tomorrow. Yet the clean, happy, perky people who somehow found this post have sneered the entire read.

[wishfilled]

Existing is exhausting.

I have type 1 diabetes, depression, anxiety, and a few other issues, but the main one got fixed by surgery in April. The problem is that the fix was done, but there was no scientific reason why part of my colon had adhered to my pelvic bone. Without a cause; I am constantly afraid that every pain or stomach issue is a sign that, once again, something is going majorly wrong. I know nothing I did caused the issue and that nothing I do can help prevent it from occurring again. I know that all my worry does is stress me. None of that matters, though, since the worry sneaks in.

I have so much I need to do and accomplish to correct the household (cleaning, finances, and more) that fell to the wayside while I was bedbound and medicated. I try to do a little each day, but the massive amount of what needs doing is overwhelming to me.

Then you add in that I fell for a scam and thought I found a way to get my pup her official certs for service (she it trained to get me help if I go too low and need it), but it was a scam and PayPal says that it isn't a scam so they refused to get my money back.

It was late, and my scrolling and googling led me down a rabbit hole that led to the Assistance Dogs of America site (yeah, they got ADA in their name). They then sell real decent dog gear and a fake registration. THERE IS NO FEDERAL LIST. There is no required certificates. This company exists to get money from desperate people with disabilities who are looking for help. It is so disheartening and has just increased my mental dark cloud. It wasn’t a ton of money they got from me, but it was enough for at least a week's worth of groceries.

I'm mainly sharing to prevent anyone else from falling for their garbage.

[wishfilled]

If you've ever told a person who's had to be bedbound for a period of time that you wish you could "just stay in bed", DO IT.

Stay in bed. For days. But don't get up if someone needs you to, or you get bored, or you get antsy. Don't do anything other than rest. Just lie in your bed, whether you need to get stuff done around the house or socialize or anything else "productive". You'll have to cancel on people, you'll disappoint them, they won't understand.

And if you're thinking, "well, i CAN'T just be in bed. There's stuff that has to be done - I have plans", maybe ask yourself why you assumed a disabled person doesn't have plans or things to do or desires.

[wishfilled]

It's a day with no 'must happen now' tasks.

A day without work or doctor's appointments. Everything is closed, so errands and phone calls must wait.

The only tasks are building this week's schedule, laundry, prepping the car for work, and if wanted a supermarket visit.

Yet my brain won't stop screaming.

I couldn't sleep till long after sunrise.

I feel like a mountain's worth of heavy air is hanging over my head and shoulders, just waiting to bury me.

I want June, but it's September, and my brain knows it despite my denials.

It's still warm, but summer is dead and over.

I have little that must happen today, but feel like just getting out of bed to go to the bathroom is one task too many.

I am overwhelmed by nothing and yet still overwhelmed!

[wishfilled]

I woke up today and immediately had to do SO much. It involved phone calls along with my normal routine items. I, therefore, am now taking an hour to myself and reading in bed while snuggling my dog. I need time to reset and calm my brain. I am taking time for me, and it is important.

[wishfilled]

Yes, I reread books to soothe my brain. A book from my childhood/teen years, with a plot I know, and an ending that makes me happy? Thank you, that is exactly what I need to help keep me calm while life is stressful!

[wishfilled]

I'm not ready for it to be August. I feel like just a few days ago, it was almost the start of July. Now we're full into summer, and the time to do the things I wanted to do has already flown by me. I feel like now all I can do is hide and try to pretend everything is okay.

This happens to me most Augusts. I overwhelm myself with the thoughts of summer leaving and the sadness of the cold long before it's real. I want to just go outside and enjoy everything, but I can't make my brain understand that things are okay.

I'm now going to try hiding in a book for a while.

[wishfilled]

Existence is exhausting!

I am okay. I am just stretched beyond thin and halfway through my last spoon.

[wishfilled]

hi, you there who are or are thinking about spending all day in bed, it’s okay, I’m not telling you to get up. I’d just like to do a quick check in to make sure you’ve got everything you need to be comfortable and safe.

Have you gotten up to take any meds you need?

Do you need to open or close your windows or curtains/blinds to make your environment nicer? (Fresh air, keep the cold out, sunlight/darkness)

Do you have a water bottle or a glass of water easily accessible? (Can also be juice, cordial, a meal replacement drink or anything else)

Do you have any over the counter or prescription as required meds you might need, like painkillers or anti nausea meds?

Is your phone or laptop charged?

Are you wearing comfortable clothing?

Do you have enough blankets/pillows to be warm and comfortable?

Do you have any snacks like fruit or chips or muesli bars in case you can’t get up to make a meal?

Are you able to change positions in bed (or sit up if you’re able)?

Do you have any regulation tools like fidgets, ear plugs, or journaling/art books or low energy hobbies you might want?

Are you being gentle and patient with yourself and your body today?

Thanks for doing this check in with me. I like to have some of these things prepared on my nightstand, or all together in the same space in my room so I don’t have to do as much work on low energy days. It can also help to have someone else prepare or get these things for you if you’re unable. Hope you have an uncomplicated day.

[wishfilled]

[wishfilled]

I realized I never babbled here about my actually getting a diagnosis!

So for those new here, a summary; I have type 1 diabetes, but almost no side effects. Out of nowhere, I started having excruciating stomach pains. It would feel like someone was punching out of my side, while another fist was punching in and through. The pain moved, fluctuated on and off, was stronger during my cycle, and when I had to use the bathroom or bend. It got to the point where even with prescription nerve blockers I still couldn't bend or sit up without massive pain. I got dismissed by multiple doctors. Tons of different scans and blood draws all showed nothing. This went on for over a year (which I know isn't long in the undiagnosed world. I know the system well and know what words to say to make appointments happen.).

I eventually found a doctor who agreed it sounded like endometriosis. He did a laproscopy and discovered the issue was that the s curve of my colon had attached itself to my pelvic bone. He cut and replaced my colon back where it belongs. He said it was not endometriosis. That sometimes organs just do that?! I am now a few months into PT and slowly starting work again! I can bend without pain, and I can walk without needing a cane or to rest every few steps!

I learned a few things from this.

- YOUR PAIN IS REAL, it doesn't matter if they can't seem to find the cause, the pain is there for a reason and it does actually hurt.

- Just because the doctor says they can't find a cause doesn't mean the cause isn't findable, it just means you need a different doctor.

- It is okay to rest. It is okay if you need to stop everything else to lie still and take care of yourself. If you can't be okay, you can't be okay to help anyone else. You need to take whatever time you need to be okay.

Last but not least, I learned that I am not okay just because the main problem is fixed. Months of bedrest, over a year of pain killers/nerve blockers/etc, and stress means I still need to let myself slowly work back into things. I'm not ready for a four hour car ride yet. I need to take my walks more slowly and give my arms and PT time to work. I am okay, but I'm not 100% and that is okay!

[wishfilled]

It's disability pride month. I want to remind everyone that just because you can't see the disability a person has does not mean it isn't there! Disabilities can be invisible. Disabilities can affect mental states and cognitive function without causing an issue in a person's ability to speak. Just because a person looks and sounds 'normal' doesn't mean they do not need forms of assistance.

A person who needs assistance should not have to argue with staff or need to prove their need for it.

[wishfilled]

When you have a chronic ailment, you hear all the time “I could never.”

Oh, you cut out dairy/gluten/ect? I could never. Oh, you do self injections? I could never.

I could never deal with that much pain. I couldn’t live with all those doctor appointments. I could never stay in bed all day, I’d just get so bored! I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t live like that, can’t couldn’t wouldn’t…

Please stop implying to people with something chronic that you’d rather die than go through what they’re going through, and take a minute to understand that their treatment isn’t a hobby. It’s survival.

Yes, people with chronic ailments ARE incredibly strong. They ARE doing things you think you couldn’t ever do.

But they’re the same things that they likely thought they couldn’t ever do until they had no other option.

Yes. Often, someone with a chronic issue sees a notable decline in their quality of life.

That doesn’t make it less worth living.

You could do it if you had to.

“I could never” is not the empathetic response you think it is.

[wishfilled]

[wishfilled]

Gentle reminder that disabilities are disabling.

You're not some awful, bad person for not doing things that able-bodied people can do without negative consequences.

Sometimes, you haven't showered in a while.

Sometimes, your room is a mess.

Sometimes, the dishes pile up.

That doesn't make you a failure or deserving of less respect, support, and kindness.

Being disabled, having disabilities, and things that result from said disabilities, don't change the fact you deserve to exist. You deserve peace, and love.