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Winter in Claude Monet’s paintings

The Road in front of Saint-Simeon Farm in Winter (1867)

Houses in the Snow, Norway (1895)

Boulevard Saint-Denis, Argenteuil, in Winter (1875)

Norway, Sandviken Village in the Snow (1895)

Road to Giverny in Winter (1885)

The Church at Vetheuil under Snow (1878-1879)

The Road to the Farm of Saint-Simeon in Winter (1867)

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Esther Bubley, New York City, 1951

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summertime once again.

The moon is at her full, and riding high, Floods the calm fields with light. The airs that summer sky Are all asleep to-night. -The Tides William C Bryant You know when I know it's officially summer? When the sounds of children playing can be heard outside my window, laughing and yelling while enjoying the summer weather. It's not a bad thing nor is it the best thing that could ever happen. School is out and I will be hearing laughter and balls being kicked into the field behind my house until August. Goodbye quiet, hello the reminder of no longer being a child. It hasn't felt like summer in Colorado until literally this past weekend. May has been filled with snow and rain. Rain and more rain,  then even more rain to the point where people started saying we now live in Seattle. The lakes have flooded to the point where many trees are underwater and people canoe where there was once a parking lot. There was a solid two weeks this month where I would drive home from work in pouring down rain. The moments the sun would peak out from the clouds felt as though I was living in a dream where I was sure when I woke up I would hear the sound of rain falling outside my window. I know I haven't written in the blog all last month and I apologize. You see, when I'm not inspired by something or don't have a creative urge, I choose not to post. I've been writing in my notebook and have a few poems but nothing has sparked my interest enough to share. I want this blog showcase work I'm proud of and writings I'm passionate about. We all go through ups and downs in everything that we love and want to do our best work on. lana del rey at red rocks. || 5.12.2015 One thing I want for this summer is to be inspired by life and constantly search for that creative spark even when it's dark. Life is beautiful and the mind is powerful. A piece of grass can inspire a wonderful poem and a moment can be captured by a single photo that can tell a thousand stories. But I'm not going to be discouraged when that spark is burnt out. It's a reminder to go find a different spark to a whole new place filled with life I've never thought of until I dream it. It's about life and the mind to create art. One cannot be done without the other. Art is an expression of the artist itself through words and photos that cannot be spoken. Art is an inside look to a person no one ever knows but get glimpses of. Art is beautiful, art is sanity. I'll leave you with this poem. I hope to share more with you soon. the earth's magnetic pull cannot stop leaves being blown into the air by a soft morning autumn breeze   the way a feather glides through the air as though it's being pulled gently by a nonexistent string closing her eyes this thought run through her ever present wild mind breathing in the silence of the stars 'til next time!goodbye snow hello sun!! Kelly

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sunday morning autumn a squirrel runs alone the faded wooden fence hopping on the tree covered in yellow leaves it's fascinating how some leaves have completely turned while other trees hold on to the last reminder of summer the small creature jumps from the yellow full tree to the all green one looks as though he's trying to hold onto the warm weather as well but the weather has turned there's a crisp in the morning air my favorite time of the year is in full force pumpkin spice flavored products are everywhere trying to enjoy this perfect weather before it's covered in snow goes way too fast the moon is my sun feathers are freedom my sister is my spirit lovers are lost this life is a short dream set in the hell that is heaven how the lake mirrors the morning sky, all pink orange and blue, filled with clouds and the trees reflect in the water how fish jump coming up for air like humans when we swim. hearing the loons talk to each other putting my feet in the warm morning water not yet polluted by human activity never being able to capture it perfectly in a photo the smell or nature pure and fresh everything will be okay be thankful for every moment you're not supposed to know where you're going enjoy the road, don't focus on the destination you'll miss the moments that actually mattered your mind is a powerful thing you can either let it control you or inspire you to create a life you never though was possible pink clouds in the sky driving into the city early morning people crossing the street starbucks in hand characters with different stories on different roads trying to make it in the world not knowing the whats ahead the unknown warm afternoon breeze runs through my hair sitting on the stairs watching young girls enjoy the remains of their childhood "they're young" I think not knowing their road ahead leaves moved by the breeze bees flying near my feet she knew what she wanted in her life but what she thought she wanted is not what she truly needed high pitch noise ringing my ears constantly on never goes off says the old man he's lived through so much he's been through hell the only constant in his life is hearing his own scream in his ears ringing like a church bell on sunday annoying everyone but he's the only one hearing dark evening mountains pink clouds in the sky headlights shine ahead thursday night traffic brown pup with gold eyes sleeping near the end of the bed late at night the only sound is the fan blocking out the silence of the november night sun glares through the glass window shining on the crazy craved pumpkins giving them a spotlight on this spooky night the candy is out pumpkins are carved children will dress up as ghosts princesses and cowboys knock on random houses hoping the kind strangers will hand them a treat and not a trick she didn't realize what she dreamed for her life was never meant to be realizing this truth she thought that most dreams in her head were never meant to be apart of her reality because then she wouldn't dream anymore and she would sleep with nothing in her head little boy doesn't realize how his actions affect other people he says he doesn't care but the truth is he does he puts up a thick wall that only those close to him and all adults can see right through snow is falling outside music is playing in the background tea helps her throat morning in november the little moments in the mountains no one speaks she just listens relaxation at it's best sickness and pain want to bring her down but moments like this are the moments she lives for we were young wild crazy one action changed my entire life and you're no where to be found she was bigger than most but really she was smaller than life itself 
paradise is a place where people dream to be but very little actually get there birds sing in spring morning buds are growing colors come into view the earth is coming alive again all is right

Kelly Severseike, thoughts that turned into art.

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childhood as an adult.

“Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in.” -Shannon L. Alder

I got a chance to go back to where I spent a majority of my childhood for spring break and visit a very good friend that still lives in the same neighborhood where I lived as a kid. While I was there, I realized something: visiting where you grew up won't be the same as it used to be all those years ago.

Here's how I see it

You have your childhood

You have your memories from your childhood that are cloudy and are in a dreamlike state.

Then you have the reality of your childhood that you couldn't comprehend or realize until you're an adult.

It's amazing how much the world is different from when you are a kid to seeing it as an adult. Partially because your parents wanted you to have the best life possible. But also, you don't know much about the world besides who your friends and family are and what time dinner is, so you can race home from your friend's house. Your innocent and your world isn't bigger than the neighborhood you live in.

When you think back to your childhood, you view the place you grew up from the age you lived there. You think of your neighborhood friends, the time to fell off a horse and told everyone your arm hurt when it was really fine, and riding your bike around the block pretending you're on a roller coaster. There really wasn't much to life except swimming pools, playgrounds, and sleepovers. One of my favorite memories was when my sister, friend, and I wore winter coats to the bus stop one morning. The weather must have been at least below 60, right? I'm guessing it was around 70 degrees at best. I know I know, but I grew up in the sun and anything "cold" automatically meant wearing big winter coats that made us look like children marshmallows. Now I wear tank tops at 57 degrees. Yeah, a lot has changed.

But looking back at those years, I'm thankful for the time I spent there and grateful to have moved when I did. I was truly a child there, with no worries or perception of what life would be like when I grew up. I thought I would be wearing heels and dresses in middle school, which I never did.

I chose this quote at the top of this post for a reason. Our perspectives in life change from childhood to adulthood. Going back to where I was a child made me realize the place where I grew up wasn't the place I had in my head. The real thing isn't close to what I remember. It's a part of growing up and becoming an adult. Seeing my childhood through adult eyes makes me happy to be where I am now. That place will always be what it is in my head, I've moved on.

'til next time.

Kelly.

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New Years resolutions that don't last more than 2 months, summer tops.

New Years Resolutions: we all have them, we all eventually break them (usually sooner than we planned). This year I have come up with so many of them that I've forgotten half of what I thought of because I never wrote them down. So I decided that I would write all the resolutions I can think of into this post to keep both myself accountable and so can't say I don't remember what they were because I can just look in my blog. 1. Eat healthier (One of the most common resolutions people make and break within a week or two, two months top, but I never said I would stop eating sweets altogether. Just making sure that my healthy food intake outweighs my junk food intake (Oreos and Hershey's kisses are my weakness, ice cream too) instead of having consumed three cookies and one carrot. Making an effort to consume more fruits and veggies this year is crucial, raspberries anyone?). 2. Go to the gym or on a walk at least three times a week (notice how I didn't say an outlandish number like 7, because I know I would break that resolution right away. As the year goes on, that number will go up, but not setting the bar too high but high enough so I actually have to do it (by the way, I've been to the gym twice this year, off to a good start)and not be as lazy). 3. Spend less time on my computer (I think we're all guilty of this from time to time, some more than others. Saying you're only going to spend 10 minutes on something and then 2 hours later your still doing the same thing and nothing else is done. Anyone else ever experience that? Yeah? No? Maybe so? Too scared to admit it? It's okay, we all have those days.). 4. Drink more water and less soda (This one sorta goes with eating healthier one, but since it's liquids, it gets its own number. It's come to my attention that I consume more soda on a daily basis and this resolution is to change my unhealthy intake of soda to h2o. Let's see how long this lasts). 5. Don't let my Starbucks obsession turn into an addiction (people that know me know that I absolutely love Starbucks. The truth is, I really love the flavor of the drinks, coffee doesn't really wake me up or gives energy, it just tastes deliciously wonderful. So I have that on my side, which is good. But my only danger is to not have the urge to taste their scrumptious drinks every single day instead of a few times a week, don't judge me). 6. Procrastinate less when it comes to school (everything else in life sounds fun than actually getting my work done. As a kid, I could make up excuses on why I didn't want to do my homework, or just lie and say I didn't have any. Now as a third year college student, I wish I could say my bad habits have improved. Thankfully, I do do all of my work, unfortunately it doesn't get completed until the end of the week. However, that was my previous experiences with procrastination and this semester will be different!). 7. Read more books (I found my love of reading books again last year and I plan to read many wonderful memoirs and novels this year, if a television show doesn't take up all my free time). 8. Go on more adventures (whether it's to another state or exploring the places around me, seeing the beauty of this world that I don't get to see everyday). 9. Use the words "never" "no" "like" "maybe" "um" "that" "I know, Dad, I know." less (we all have those words that we use over and over again, sometimes you know you keep repeat yourself, other times you don't realize until someone points it out. Well these are my words I use too much and I need to change that, starting with the word "that" right now). 10. Actually listen to what someone has to say instead of thinking about what to say next (ever have a conversation with someone and the whole time the person is speaking, you're coming up with what's going to come out of your mouth next instead of hearing what the other person is saying? Well, you're not alone. Learning that hearing what a person's saying is different then actually listening to them). 11. Talk less about myself (this one I catch myself doing all the time after I walk away from a conversation. One thing I know about myself is that I hate when no one knows what to say or just silence in conversations make me nervous for some reason. Learning to not talk about myself as much). 12. Talk less in general (realizing when to shut up and not ramble on and on about useless information). 13. Take more photographs (besides writing, I really fell in love with taking photos of nature, my friends & family, events that happen in my life, and my pets. I want to continue to capture beautiful moments and stay passionate about wanting to find the beauty in life through taking photos). 14. Be open to anything and everything that comes my way (this one explains itself). 15. Clean my room and actually keep it clean (I can see into my room, and its cleaner than it was when I thought of this one). 16. End everyday with a positive attitude (no matter how my day went: good, bad, got stuck in traffic for two hours, the boy I watch wouldn't listen to me, I lost something that was kind of important to me, my favorite book's front cover ripped, phone fell into a puddle, it was snowing, it was too hot, my cat wouldn't come when I called him, had a headache, Starbucks didn't have the PSL because it's not autumn, I'm not in Maine by a lake or ocean, my brain can't come up with anything inspiring to write about. Whatever happened in my day, making sure to be happy when I go to sleep. Remember the little things that made me smile, instead of the little terrible things that seemed bigger than they actually were). 17. Appreciate the people around me (a lot of times, I take people in my life for granted because I think they will always be in my life. Letting the people I love and care about know that is important, no matter how old I am). 18. Go to the dog park more with my dog (I went today and thought: "man, why don't I do this more often?"). 19. Continue to write whatever comes to my mind & update my blog more (Writing has become extremely important to me, it gives me a voice when my voice can't communicate what I want to say. This blog gives me a platform to say all that I want to say with no one telling me I'm talking too much. I get to write out all my feelings about a subject, and hope that someone will take time out of their day to read it). 20. Challenge myself to get out of my comfort zone (I got out of my comfort zone more than ever in 2014 and I hope to continue to push myself to challenge myself in 2015. Like my dad always says: "get out of your comfort zone and into your courage zone." Well dad, this year will be more in my courage zone than last year, so get ready!). 21. Continue to be less scared of the unknown (one of my proudest accomplishments of 2014 was realizing that the unknown was nothing to be scared of. Continuing to not worry about the things to come take away from living my life). 22. Live in the moment I'm in and never take anything for granted (People, myself included, take life for granted a lot of the time. We think that we have an unlimited amount of time, until something happens that make us realize that we took the people we loved for granted and forgot to absorb their time with them to the fullest. Realizing that we don't have forever, and I don't want to look back on my life when I'm 80 with regret that I didn't appreciate the life I had and did all the things I wanted to do (most of those things I don't know yet). Trying new things, meeting new people, take every chance I have and fully immerse myself with whatever I do). Now, if you read all of what I just wrote, I greatly appreciate you taking the time out of your day to read this long list. I know that this list is huge and there is no way I'm going to stick to all of these the entire year. However, what start out as a resolution list turned into a "self improvement" list. To remind myself to keep growing and pushing myself to the fullest (& to add humor to my life every chance I get). Now that you've read this long list, what are your new year's resolutions or how are you looking to grow in 2015? 'til next time. Kelly (By the way, I purposely put 22 because I'm going to be 22 this year.)

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Before this year, I barely wrote more than a page if even that. I used to think writing was something people did if they were able to make some beautiful work out of it, while the rest of us would only write reports for school Now I look at writing in a completely new light. It's not only a place to share stories and poems, it's also a place where writers can share their voice that simply can't be shared in a conversation. I found that for me, writing allows me to put words together and turn it into something people can relate to and actually enjoy reading. So I thought for the end of 2014, I would share with you some of my favorite pieces I wrote this year. tomorrow the day after today a day people expect to happen a mysterious unknown what happens today can effect your tomorrow everyone has a story but not many share 7 billion people no one really talks flowers in a field all different shapes sizes colors beautiful in their own way but they don't know that just as the girl wears too much makeup or the boy who has glasses we are all unique and beautiful but no one really knows sometimes we're not meant to have closure with someone, the book was already closed before you could finish the chapter love is a word used most but means the least to those who speak it lyrics mean more then how they make you feel they make you think about what the writer was feeling when they wrote this song what it means to them how beautifully the words flow together with the beat of the song the beat makes you feel one day but the lyrics could open your eyes to a whole other world you have yet to encounter seeing the lyrics as art and not focusing on the beat songs are poems with a sound presented by people who hopefully have a connection with the lyrics that no one will ever know talking is crucial in this life being scared to speak can make everything seem big and you're an ant trying not to get stepped on because no one stops and listens in this world full of chaos Happy New Year everyone! More to come in 2015!! 'til next year. Kelly.

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two minds don't think alike.

"All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."-Friedrich Nietzsche Although this quote was first spoken well over a century ago, it still holds truth today. Ever had a conversation with someone who won't let you share your opinion on the subject being discussed? And it frustrates you because you don't share the same feelings towards what's being spoken to you as this my way is right, so don't even bother sharing your opinion? These conversations are difficult to be in for anyone who doesn't quite know how to respond to what's being shoved down their throat. There are over seven billion people living on this earth at this moment. Seven billion people who have or will someday have an opinion that might not match up with yours. You know what? That is perfectly acceptable. If everyone, every single person on this planet, thought the exact same way this world would be boring place to live, wouldn't it? We're allowed to disagree about subjects and life, that's what makes this world beautiful. But never rip someone to pieces for feeling differently about something. We all see the world through different eyes and will have different interpretations about what happens in our lives and culture. It damages someone's soul when you tell them they're wrong because they think differently than you. You both see the world differently and will have vast interpretations of what should happen in society or in your life. Be open to what other people have to say, don't knock them down before they say their first word. Every one of us views the world from a different perspective, that's the beauty of life. Instead of hating on someone for interpreting life differently, be open to hearing other people's stories. Who knows, your perspective might change as well. We're all supposed to change, but I'll leave that for another blog post. 'till next time. Happy Autumn! Kelly.

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she knew what she wanted in her life but what she thought she wanted is not what she truly needed.

Kelly Severseike, dreams into reality

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who are you? what defines who you are? what you look like on the outside or the person you are on the inside? who you are with everyone or the person you are when you're alone? do the labels you wear, the car you drive, or how much money you have defines who you are? or how you treat people in your life? are you kind, helpful, generous towards some people & a jerk to the rest of the world? do you look at people how people look at you? do you love the person you are as much as you love how you look on the outside? do you try to treat everyone you come across with respect? if you got to look at yourself through someone else's perspective, would you like the person the world sees? does that perspective reflect who you are on the inside? have you ever changed yourself for someone else? do you like the person you created? are you happy with who you are?

Kelly Severseike, who are you?

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she was not like most humans. no desires to meet someone and fall in love. didn't dream unless she was asleep. tried to live in each moment, but would sometimes take advantage of the moment she's in. was happier alone or with one friend than having a thousand friends she didn't know at all. she wanted to affect the world without telling her life story. wanting to see the world with her own eyes, not through a photograph. to be free from anything holding her back..

Kelly Severseike, Untitled

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love yourself first.

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world." -Lucille Ball As I've gotten older, I've realized how important it is to love yourself first. Lots of people feel that in order to feel good about who they are, they need to get other people to like them to be able to feel that way about themselves. When actually, it's the other way around. Being comfortable in your own skin and being okay with the person you are on the inside is one of the most important lessons in life. There's at least one thing that each of us don't like about ourselves that we can't change. For me, it's my stuttering. This year I have accepted that that's apart of who I am and I'm okay with that. Finding ways to help myself in times of difficulty with talking is a process. Coming up with my own ways to deal with my stutter and learning not to apologize for myself takes time. It's not easy, but it's a challenge I am willing to take on. I don't want to run away from my problems anymore. I would rather try something and be bad at it than saying I'm bad at something and not have any experience with it at all. And with practice, I'll be able to get into a rhythm that works for me. Yes I will have moments of struggle, but that's me and I should never apologize for who I am. Pause and take a deep breath, speak slowly and confidently. I remember being a teenager and being scared of so many things. I hated going out with people and would always stay home. That was my safe place where no one could hurt me but myself. I loved being by myself, as long as someone was home and not bothering me. Being in my early 20's, I would tell that little girl it's nice to be completely alone, but there's also a big beautiful world out there waiting to hear your voice. You're beautiful the way you are and you don't need to change for anyone else's standards. It's okay to tell people how you feel and that it's better to say something than to have your deepest secrets locked away where no one can hurt you. And if you don't feel like telling anyone, at least write down what's going on. You can give it to someone later, but writing what you feel will help you deal with how your feelings. You were born to be you, and you get to decide how you'll create your life. Know that everything will be okay in the end. Yes life sucks right now, but I promise you that life gets better and you'll create who you are as you start trying new things and exploring the world. Just don't be scared of life and don't let anyone bring you down. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a moment to teach you something about yourself, whether good or bad. When that person turns on the off ramp to go on a different road, don't feel like you did something to make them leave. If they're meant to be in your life, they'll get back on the highway when the timing is right. I'll end with this, I hear this saying a lot: in order for people to be comfortable with you, you have to be comfortable with yourself. That's completely true. As you find who you are and start creating a life for yourself, always remember to love who you are. It's something that's not easy, but when you do, it's the first step in creating your life. You may not be comfortable with all of your difficulties and challenges you have in life, but loving who you are is the first step to inner happiness. At the end of the day, you have to focus on yourself first and be in love with who you are. It's who you are on the inside that's the most beautiful part about you. Outer beauty will either mask or reflect your inner beauty. Do you know that you are beautiful? Kelly.

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baby blues, a short story.

Baby Blues            

Another wedding, another trip home.            

Sitting patiently on the plane, waiting to get to the gate so I can get off this stuffy airplane, with crying babies and annoying children, as quickly as possible. Not that I don’t love babies or kids, because I absolutely do, just not when I’m on an airplane. Looking over at my husband, Adam, who is reading a book and trying to block out the noise around us, glanced up from his book and smiles at me. He knows that the baby who is crying three rows behind us makes me uncomfortable. But for a different reason then you probably think.          

 “Why is it that every time we fly home, we’re always stuck with at least three babies on the plane and one of them cries the entire flight?” I ask, with frustration and a bit of sadness in my voice.            

My husband closes his book, grabs my hand and gives me a reassuring kiss on my head. “I know it’s hard to deal with right now, but we’ll have our own kids someday when we’re meant to have them.”           

“But why can’t that someday be here already? I know I’m complaining right now, Adam. But it’s hard to see everyone in the world having babies and I’m just sitting here feeling like I will never have children.”            

“Remember when you were a kid and all your friends had this awesome toy and you were the only one that didn’t have it? The day you finally got this toy was even more special because you dreamt about this toy for months and waited patiently for it.”           

 “Well it’s hard to be patient when I have my entire family, including extended family, constantly ask me if I’m pregnant. And when I say no, they go on this rant about things I can do to increase my chances of getting pregnant. They put pressure on me which makes it even more difficult to have a baby.”            Adam sighs, knowing my family’s unrealistic expectations to get pregnant. “Babe, don’t even listen to them. When they ask simply say that when it’s meant to be it’ll be. We’re still in our 20s and have our whole lives ahead of us.”            

“But ignoring them is a lot harder to do then it is to say. I will end up in a bathroom crying my eyes out.” I reply knowing how this works. This has happened many times before.     ��      

“Lizzy, just focus on Sarah’s wedding, being a bridesmaid, and having a good time catching up with old friends. Don’t let your family ruin your trip home.”            

“Okay.”           

 As the plane parks at the gate and the fasten seatbelt sign goes off, I breathe out air I didn’t realize I was holding in during the entire flight                      

I was the first one to get married out of my group of girlfriends. Funny thing about that is everyone said I would be the last one to get married. Funnier thing is I actually agreed with them. All my friends wanted to settle down, get married, and have babies by the time they’re 25. I, being the black sheep of the group, wanted to travel the world, meet crazy people with life stories that you wouldn’t even believe were true, and be as young as the morning sky. I wasn’t desperate to find my soul mate at 17, fall deeply, passionately, and addictively in love, and have two kids by the time I’m 23.            

Those were my thoughts when I was 16 years old. When I turned 17, my friend’s thoughts turned into my reality. Well everything except for the two kids by the time I was 23. You see, my story is what lots of young girls dream their life to be like: meet a guy, fall in love, have some kids and live happily ever after.            

When I got married at 19, my mother gave me some advice. She married my dad when they were both 18 and had my sister 9 months later. “Elizabeth,” she only used my full name when I was in trouble or had something important to say. “I want you to know that getting married young is very difficult, and there will be times when you want to pull Adam’s hair out, but it is rewarding at the end of the day. Stick together and be honest with each other. Don’t keep any secrets or hold anything back. ”            

I gave her a tiny smile, knowing this story by heart. Her advice came in handy during the first few years of marriage. Our marriage has been through many more downs than ups. Adam and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary two weeks ago and still no baby. Everyone always asks us why don’t we have a child yet. We politely smile and tell them, “When we’re meant to have kids, we’ll have them. Right now we are just enjoying being young and falling more in love with each other everyday.”            

What people don’t know is that we’ve had great difficulty trying to have a baby. I have gotten pregnant twice but have miscarried during the first trimester for both. My doctor stays positive that I will be able to carry a child to full term and my husband is always there for me. It’s extremely hard on me, both mentally and physically, each time I lose a baby. I cry for weeks, never wanting to leave my house. Having to see all my friends with babies is the most difficult. I imagine what my life would have been like if I had a baby. With Adam’s beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes, with my cheekbones and mouth. Everyone said we would have beautiful babies someday. The question is, when will that someday turn into today?            

After I miscarried the second baby, I started questioning if I really wanted to be a mom. Every girl I knew growing up would always talk about how many kids they would want and what all the names would be. Dreaming of a reality, without realizing the consequences of their dreams. I would smile at them, not really caring about how many kids I would have. I wanted to be a kid and not think about anything else. I had no idea then that I would have trouble having a kid of my own.            

Adam was stronger than me on the outside. When the second one happened, he held me while I cried, not letting anyone on the outside know how lost he felt on the inside. He wouldn’t let anyone see him weak, not even his own mother. He was raised to be strong on the outside and not show emotion about any situation he was in.            

Later after getting home from the doctor, I woke up to him crying on the sofa. I knew he thought I was asleep, and thought I wouldn’t hear him cry. He wanted me to rely on him in times of weakness. I didn’t look down on him for crying over what had happened. Even though he’s my rock, I like seeing this side of him. Watching a rock roll down a hill doesn’t make it any less strong, the rock just needed to get closer to the earth. And that’s what my Adam needed, to get closer to himself and to me. Letting out his emotions brings us closer together. Adam looked up from lying on the couch, with tears rolling down his cheeks and swollen eyes.            

“Oh, you’re up from your nap. How’re you doing?” Adam asks, sitting up on the couch while attempting to wipe his tears.            

I pause, not knowing exactly what to say. “I’m doing as best as I can with what I’ve been through today.” His swollen eyes looked over my puffy face.            

“It’s just so hard on you Liz, that I try to be the stro—“ Tears start to fall down his face again, he looks down trying to control his emotions.          

Sitting down on the couch next to him, I touch his face with my hands. Adam looks into my eyes. “You don’t have to be the strong one around me. To everyone else, okay. But don’t ever hold back your emotions from me, ever.”          

“I don’t understand why this happens. Why we aren’t we able to have a baby?”            

“That question has been on my mind all day. Going back and forth over what I could have done. Then realizing that there was nothing I could have done. Maybe I’m not meant to have a baby right now or maybe ev—“ Resting my head on Adam’s shoulder, not being able to talk anymore.            

We sat on the couch for a while, letting each other feel the pain over loosing our baby. Thinking about what could have been but stopping myself before I would start to cry again.            

“Maybe we aren’t meant to have a baby right now. We are still kids ourselves. We have our whole lives ahead of us. If we are meant to have kids later in life, that’s great. But right now let’s focus on our relationship and everything else will fall into place.” Adam whispers into my ear, saying what I’ve been thinking all day.            

“If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.” I whisper back into his ear.            

“And no matter what happens, know that we will go through it together.” He lifts his head to look at me. Pushes away the hair that’s stuck on my face and kisses my forehead.            

We lay together on the couch, letting our conversation sink into our reality. Holding each other tight while we fall asleep on the couch, dreaming about our life just being the two of us.                       

The hour long drive from the airport to my parent’s house always feels like days instead of 60 minutes. Mom picked us up this time and she didn’t waste anytime talking about the one topic I wanted to avoid this weekend.             “Am I going to be a grandmother soon?” Mom asks with a snarky tone in her voice.            

Taking a deep breath, I reply softly but with.control “Mom, you already are a grandmother, to three beautiful children might I add.”            

“I know, honey. But what I don’t have is any beautiful grandchildren from you. When are you going to have children, dear? You two have been married for over 5 years now. I would have thought you would have at least 2 kids by now.”             

“Well maybe we don’t want to have kids yet, mother. Maybe we’re waiting until we’re ready to have them. Maybe we’re just enjoying our life together as a young married couple. It’ll happen when it’s meant to happen.” I replied, trying to get her to drop the subject.            

“Oh, but Elizabeth! You need to have children when you’re young so you have the energy to take care of them. Also you can lose the baby weight faster the younger you have kids.”            

Adam, knowing how uncomfortable this conversation is for me, tries to change the subject. “Jacquie, how’s Richard doing? Still working on his golf swing?”            

“He’s doing fine dear. Yes, he is still working on his golf swing unfortunately. I keep telling him we are much too young to golf. That’s what old people do. Anyway, Elizabeth—“            

“I am not you, mom. I’m not meant to have children young. I don’t want to have them right now. I’m still trying to find out who I am in life, much less taking care of a life we created. How do you expect me to have kids when I’m practically still a kid?!” Trying to fight back the tears forming in my eyes.            

“Having kids when you’re young is the way to do it. Get it over with so you don’t have to worry about your ticking clock la—”            

“Mother, I am twenty four years old. I do not need kids right now. I have things I want to do with my life, places I want to explore, and people I want to meet. I’m not ready for a kid.”             

“But if you just—“           

 Me: “That’s enough! I suggest we change the subject now or stop talking unless you want me to open the door and jump out of this car.”             

“Now that’s being a little over dramatic. Elizabeth, don’t you want a family of yo—“            

“SHUT UP ALREADY! I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS!! I’M SICK OF YOU ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT BABIES. THAT’S ALL WE TALK ABOUT! YOU NEVER ASK ME HOW I AM OR WHAT I MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH! IT’S ALWAYS: BABIES THIS! BABIES THAT! BABIES, BABIES, BABIES! YOU KNOW WHAT MOTHER I’M DONE TALKING ABOUT THIS! I WANT TO HAVE A NICE AND RELAXING WEEKEND WITH MY HUSBAND AND MY FAMILY WITHOUT BRING UP BABIES! ENJOY THE ONES YOU HAVE NOW BECAUSE THOSE MIGHT BE THE ONLY ONES YOU’LL EVER HAVE! OKAY? STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!”            

My sudden outburst shocked both Mom and Adam. My husband knew it was coming. He knows how much this subject makes me sad. My mom, on the other hand, didn’t know anything about my pregnancies or my miscarriages. I knew she would just suggest things I could do to get pregnant again and be by my side during the entire 9 months, hovering over me day and night. But I didn’t want her there. My mom is a controlling person and would put unnecessary stress on me that would not be healthy.            

Mom and Adam talked quietly about life at home, while I stared out the window. I knew this was going to happen. It always does. Silently praying that she wouldn’t bring up babies again this weekend. But knowing her, she would corner me sometime this weekend, demanding to know why I don’t want kids and what she can do to see that I become pregnant sometime in the next year.            

Looking out the window, I dream about the life I could have had and the reality I am living in today. Will I have kids someday? Like we always say: “If it’s mean to be, it’ll be.”

[wordsbykell-blog]

goodbye summer, hello fall.

"Be in love with your life. Every minute of it." -Jack Kerouac This month has been a whirlwind to say the least. Now that I think about it, so has the summer. I have not posted anything on my blog for quite some time, but that certainly doesn't mean I haven't been writing. I needed time to explore the world and discover who I am as a young woman. Last month alone, I have gone on two vacations one week apart from each other, nannied for a wonderful family that I'm grateful have in my life, and binged watched my favorite TV obsession 'Masters of Sex' for the second time. Now that's summarizing this month into a quick sentence, but let me tell you that this month has gone by way too quickly. The highlight of this month has definitely been my 21st birthday. I woke up at 5:25am to go sit on the dock by the lake for an hour to watch the sunrise. The people that know me know that every chance I get to sleep in, I will certainly take it. But I was staying at my Uncle's and Aunt's cabin in Maine and I wanted to do something special for my birthday because that's the biggest birthday I'll ever have. I started thinking about how I wanted to do something that I will always remember. Definitely worth going out there and watching the sunrise, a memory of my own and the perfect way to start off my 21st year. I took so many pictures this month it's ridiculous, yes I am admitting that. I'm learning how to live in the moment but finding the inspiration and beauty of the world, trying to capture that beauty in a photo. As fall approaches, kids are going back to school and jobs are back in full swing, find the beauty in life. Autumn is my favorite season, the falling orange-red leaves always put a smile on my face. The falling leaves are dying but they're also so beautiful. Representing that things need to die to let the world grow again. Makes me feel as though there's more beauty to come when we depart from this life. As the summer ends, instead of dwelling on the season saying goodbye, be happy that fall is here. Crisp air, pumpkin spice lattes, and shorter days are coming. Change is good, it makes me appreciate the moment I'm in even more. Fall, I welcome you. Kelly.

[wordsbykell-blog]

the little things in life.

What are the little things in your life that bring you happiness?

When going through a difficult time in life, I like to focus on the little things that make me smile. To look at the good in life instead of focusing on the bad. The little things that you don't realize bring you joy until you're smiling for no reason. When life is going well, you rarely notice these little things because you're not paying attention to them. But when you feel like the world is against you, the simple things that bring you happiness stand out a lot more. This has been a more difficult summer for me, in a lot of different ways. But instead of being sad about what's going on and going down a road that's hard to turn around, I look at the little things that make me smile. Here is a list of some of my little things:

Seeing birds fly across the summer sky, reminding me that everything is going to be okay.

Listening to Lana Del Rey in the car as loud as the speakers can play the music and blocking out the rest of the world.

Watching my dog, Jimmy, swim and run like crazy at the dog park, having the time of his life in his little heaven on earth.

Petting my cat, Mikey, who is a dog in a cat's body. Calling him over to me and watch him run as fast as his little legs and fat belly that almost hits the floor can take him.

Talking with my parents about how technology works and their faces when they don't understand what I just said.

My dad asking me how Facebook works and my mom asking me to call her phone once a day because she doesn't know where it is.

Talking to my sister, Jackie, when she's home and getting to see how far she's come in life at such a young age. She brings me so much joy, just getting to catch up with her and seeing how she is in her busy life.

Skyping with Lindsey, and laughing at how fat her dog is. Also talking about the Arizona heat makes me realize I'm happy I don't live there anymore. Talking for hours about every random thing possible is always fun.

Hanging out with Alex and getting to catch up on our busy lives. It's really nice to have a friend that you can talk about anything with and know that she would never judge me about what I have to tell her. Always talking for hours every time we see each other is always a joy in my life.

Catching up with Abbie and everything that's going on with her life. Always being jealous of her pretty accent and comparing the differences between America and England is never boring.

Going on adventures with Cali and making memories that are unforgettable. Sharing our views on the world while driving around is always a joy.

Catching up with friends from church that I've known for longer than I can remember is always a good time. They all have a way of making me smile.

Going on long drives with my dog, paying attention to the open road, and looking at the beautiful mountains that never show up well in pictures.

Babysitting Mia and Gabe. Watching them grow up right before my eyes, remembering when they were just babies and now they're almost as tall as me. Spending time with them, learning from them as much as they learn from me. Appreciating being a kid once again, but through young adult eyes. Remembering being their age, how much has changed and how much is still the same.

Taking photos of the beautiful things in life that I never want to forget, even though the photo only captures a little bit of the beauty from the moment.

Watching the sunset over the mountains after a long day. Reminding me that I've made it through another day. Appreciating each time the sun goes down, painting another pretty picture in the sky. Another day, another chance to do better then yesterday. Air still in my lungs, everything is right with the world.

Watching the trees turn orange and falling slowly to the ground as the air starts changing, signaling that fall is here.

Going to Starbucks once a week and always trying something new, waiting for the pumpkin spice latte to come out.

Being in Maine, in the backyard at my Grammie's house, remembering rolling down the long hill as a kid thinking it's a lot bigger then it actually is.

Walking in the woods in Maine, running away from all the bugs and seeing how beautiful the world is.

Going to the beach, smelling the salt water and seaweed. Jumping into the freezing cold ocean water because I don't get to do it that often. Feeling the cold sand between my toes, and jumping over the tiny waves, reliving my childhood memories.

Spending time at my Uncle's and Aunt's cabin at a lake, being out in the middle of Maine with no cell service. Escaping from the busyness of life, to eat s'mores and roast hot dogs. Having my uncle take us around the lake in his fishing boat, enjoying the quiet water and being at peace within myself.

Always going to Mall of America when I'm in Minnesota and going on roller coasters with Jackie and my cousin, Elissa, until I'm about the lose my lunch. Having my dad pay me $30 to get over my fear of going on a roller coaster that's now my favorite ride to go on.

Seeing how my extended family from both my mom and dad's side has grown over the years. Graduating from high school and college, getting married and having kids. Getting to catch up and make memories together that will last a life time.

Flying to California and getting to catch up with my parent's friends, who they've known since before I was born. Seeing how much their kids have grown over the years. Walking up the steps to one of their friend's apartment, never forgetting the time I fell down and scraped up my entire knee on the red brick stairs.

Watching my favorite shows and movies over and over again. So many times that I know every thing that's going to happen, but still cry anyway. Thank you dad for that trait of always getting emotional during the sad parts in movies.

Reading my favorite books too many times to count, finding something new each time I read them.

Never forgetting to be thankful for everything and everyone in my life. Who have been there with me through my good times and bad times. Remembering how far I've come in life and never take my life for granted.

Those are just a few of the little things I can think of right now. I'm sure there is a lot more of the simple things that make me smile.

What are the little things in life that bring you happiness? The things that you don't notice until something challenges you to look at life through different eyes?

When you're going through a difficult time in life, remember these little things. This will help you stay positive and not let the struggles bring you down. Something every day makes you smile and you probably don't even realize it. Find those things in life and hold on to them. The things you love to do, the things that you see, the people you interact with. Focus on the positive in life, not the negative.

Kelly.

[wordsbykell-blog]

dreams of the past, present, and future.

Sometimes I like to write poems. Even though it's not my strong suit when it comes to writing, dabbling in it here and there is always a fun challenge. When I write stories, I have trouble writing in nonfiction because it's too personal and I can't think of anything to write about. But when it comes to writing poetry, it's easier to write about my life and experiences because I don't have to go into detail about the situation, so they can be relatable to other people as well. I like to write poems about what I see during my day and what's on my mind. These four poems are all very different from the other. I hope you will enjoy them as much as I had writing them.

Colorado Summers

The day starts off hot somewhere in the mid-80s

You see the storm clouds coming over the mountains

Won’t be long ‘till rain, lightning, and hail comes 

You know that this storm will be gone as quickly as it came

The sky looks gray with no chance of sun for a while

But before too long the sun will be outAnd the birds will be flying.

Regrets in Love

Looking back to my earlier years

I laugh at my little self

with all of my “big” fears

that are now on my shelf.

Wishing I wasn’t so scared,

to show him how I felt.

But I was unprepared,

afraid of being pelt.

Seeing where my life is now,

I regret listening to my worry

not raising my brow,

instead having my mind in a flurry.

You can’t change the past

You can’t change love

What happened so fast

is now in the clouds above.

Young and Old

I walk on my childhood street feeling like I am cooking in the sun; Arizona is more scorching then I can recall; Growing up in this place is different than visiting; The place I once called home is now a place that’s only in my dreams; Picturing it as though I am still 12, not almost 21; I think back to innocent times as a child were really only innocent in my eyes Running barefoot down the blistering streets is only a distant memory; Doing that now I would end up screaming and in pain; Sometimes I wonder what living in AZ would be like today; Pondering how my views of it would change.

Love is what.

Love is what people live for

Love is what people die for

Love is what we hope to find

Love is what we hope to keep

Love is what makes life beautiful.

[wordsbykell-blog]

struggles make you stronger.

Why do the things that make us struggle cause weakness?

We all have our challenges in life. If we didn't have them, we would be living in a fantasy world, not in reality. Some people can mask what they're struggling with while others cannot. There are struggles that you are born with and there are struggles that happen in your life. The struggles that come from living can be many different things: people you hang out with, decisions you make (both good and bad), addiction, weight, love, or life. The list goes on and on. The thing about these struggles is that they bring out the negative in us, which could lead us down roads that could be very difficult to turn around. When some people are struggling in life, they tend to mask what's really bothering them or be in complete denial. That's what they show on the outside when really it's eating them alive on the inside. They do things to make themselves feel better and a lot of the time, it's only making things worse. Turning to drinking, drugs, trying to focus on anything other than the real issue. It's not a healthy way to live and you're living your life avoiding what's truly bothering you. The further you go down the road of denial and masking, the harder it is to go back to the beginning. What can we do to turn our weakness into a strength? Turn your weakness into a strength. Yes I know that's easier to say then it actually is to do. For me, I used to hide my emotions from people close to me and not tell anyone what was bothering me. I used to be too scared to open up to people because I didn't want to acknowledge what I was doing was unhealthy. Years later I look back at that time in my life and realize that I am not that scared and sad little girl anymore. I am a young woman who knows not to hide my feelings from anyone and stand up for what I believe in. It took time for me to realize that I shouldn't hold my feelings inside anymore because that could lead me back down a road that's been demolished for over four years now. How you find your strength will be up to you. Wouldn't you rather live a happy life where you don't have to mask what's really bothering you? It's okay to be weak sometimes, but find your strength in that weakness instead of wallowing in it. It'll take more than one day to fix all your problems and you may have to work on it every day for the rest of your life. But at the end of the day, your struggles make you stronger only if you want them to. Don't focus on the bad, change it and make it good. You will be much happier, trust me. Don't let the challenges in your life take over your life, take control of your struggles. Kelly.