worthyofluv

[worthyofluv]

The things we do to be held

The things we do to be held

Held emotionally, spiritually and physically

Very similar to trying to be accepted by everyone and everything

The things we do to be held to escape our own emptiness

But there’s no escaping

Just life lessons, ebbs and flows, love and separation

Nothing is meant to last forever

& if growth is constant, isn’t it safe to say that there will be several occasions when we outgrow people and situations?

The things we do to feel seen, only to not see ourselves, to hate the reflection in the mirror but smile when someone compliments us

Why do we place so much energy into being liked by others who are likely struggling to like themselves?

It’s a waste of energy; of life, to place the fate of our happiness in the control of others

Why are we so pressed to have acceptance from the people and situations which are only extensions of who we are but not even close to mirroring the entirety of who we came here to be?

There is only one you. Be that wholeheartedly.

The things we do to be held

 It just feels so good to be spooned next to your lover, assured that you won’t have to go to bed alone with no one to love...on...you...

 The spirit of an abuser will always live through you.

& if another comes along, feeding you promises and love speeches and compliment on compliments, you will see right thru it all

 We all seek validation to affirm that we are telling ourselves the truth. But the truth could never be outside of you. It is always found within. The truth of who you are, what you believe, your deepest desires, your hidden pains…

These are the stories that only you know to be true or untrue

The things we do to be held

So what does life actually look like when self-fulfilling prophecies like “needing” to be held are replaced by the action of holding one’s self accountable?

It looks like being kind to yourself and extending grace for the ways you are still flourishing

It means trusting and being guided by the voice within rather than succumbing to the outside noise

It means loving, honoring, and valuing yourself before expecting this from the world

Needing to be held isn’t a bad thing. It’s a natural need to be seen, loved, heard and desired. It’s in our nature to want to feel connected.

However, It is only from the space of holding ourselves that we are able to evolve into our greatest version, thus attracting the people and situations that align with our core values.

The things we do to be held

It’s exhausting to constantly yearn for what we are unwilling to first gift ourselves

I dedicate the next decade of life to living more for myself and to expand in ways that nourish my soul self, the people around me and the environment.

No more survival mentality.

Thriving is on my heart.

The things we do to be held

-Divine

[worthyofluv]

Emotions

I’ve always been a sensitive soul and felt things deeply, but growing up in a Caribbean household, expressing emotions wasn’t the norm. There was love, but not in ways that I resonated with. There were no family congregations like in the TV sitcoms, hugs or even moments of vulnerability. The words “I love you” would mostly be expressed via birthday or Christmas cards, and a safe space to vocalize my day to day challenges as a young human navigating this complicated thing called life was nonexistent. Consequently, I suppressed everything. I became non expressive until i’d reach a breaking point resulting in an explosion. I felt alone, confused, and disconnected from everything and everyone. I was living out of alignment because I didn’t have a point of reference to demonstrate what healthy expression looked like. Unconsciously, I had made an agreement with myself to keep it all in so that I wouldn’t appear crazy or needy. I had no voice. So, at the tender age of 12, my solution was to seek love and acceptance in ALL the wrong places. And by the age of 18, I’d indulge in weed and alcohol as a numbing tactic.

But it didn’t work.

“So what if I’m a mess? I’d rather be a mess than be in resistance to it.” 

-Divine

Eventually, I reached a place where I felt so uneasy within myself. The emotions I was carrying felt so heavy, and so complex. When the weed no longer suppressed my demons, I knew a change needed to happen. But I wouldn’t invite that change on my own. I needed motivation. I needed a push, for lack of a better word. The push to better understand and express my emotions was a horrific heartbreak that left me feeling so alone, so confused and so disconnected from everything and everyone (sound familiar?) What I didn’t realize at the time was that this situation was actually the catalyst to my rebirth.I felt so much shame, unworthiness and defeat by the people who were supposed to love me. But i get it now. Sometimes in order for us to move and make a change, we have to be pissed the fuck off; we have to reach a point where we can no longer survive with the same mindset that lead us to this place.

This was my rock bottom.

Expressing our emotions is not a sign of weakness but instead a sign of strength

What I’ve discovered along my journey is that our emotions play an important role in our lives. They are our teachers. I am learning to see my emotions not as a hindrance, but rather a tool to get more into alignment with myself, thus get more into alignment with God consciousness. Difficult emotions tell me that something is wrong, whether it be my own thoughts that create this feeling, or my environment or even circumstances. Regardless of the root of the negative feeling, the emotion is signaling for me to make a change. According to manifestation coach, Abraham Hicks, our emotions are a physical manifestation of whether we are in alignment or not. When we feel good, this is a physical manifestation of being in alignment with our soul self. Negative emotions, however, are a sign that we have strayed away from the truth of who we are.

“Let your pain propel you into your purpose” – Solaris the hii priestess

The “normal” reaction to heavy or difficult emotions is to hurry up and do something to counter that negative feeling. We get our hearts broken and rush to pursue another partner. We lose our job and immediately put ourselves out there to find a replacement. We feel sad, so we go out turn up and numb everything to avoid feeling. We completely skip the grieving process (oh, and it is a process) and move on with life as if these events don’t impact us in every way imaginable.

We can also trick ourselves into thinking that we are healing with spirituality and self-care rituals. So, we overly immerse ourselves in books, yoga, massages, traveling, juicing or any other “healing” activity that promises us freedom. Though these activities are extremely helpful for healing and coping, it is absolutely possible that we’d use them as another form of escapism. Or in laymen terms, another way to avoid actually sitting with our feelings.

When we give ourselves permission to feel our feelings, we are letting go of old patterns, beliefs, and ideas of how life should be and creating space for new and better experiences. It’s uncomfortable because our identities, our perceptions, and our entire world view is being challenged. But despite navigating emotions being hard work and often feeling depleting, it’s important to our evolution; it’s our soul communicating with us about what feels authentic and what feels inauthentic in our lives.

I’m really beginning to comprehend that the only way out is through. One cannot stretch it away, read it away, sex it away, or drink it away. (Solange be knowin) The only way to truly understand our emotions is to sit with them. To sit with the achy feeling and investigate the root of our hurt, which many times derived in childhood.

Emotions = Energy in motion

Our emotions serve as a compass which leads us in the direction of fulfillment, but they are not all that we are. Uncomfortable emotions are not fact nor do the define us. When difficult emotions come up, it’s important that we remember that we always have a choice of what to do with them. That might be journaling, that might crying, or leaning into our creative endeavors. That might be movement, solitude or doing absolutely nothing. What has helped me is to not only acknowledge my emotions and see them as valid, but to also use my emotions as fuel in ways that are progressive rather than destructive. And when all else fails, I find comfort and solace by coming into the present moment.

 Gratitude

When we engage all of our senses and observe where we are, how we feel, and what we see, we find that gratitude comes naturally. Gratitude for our life, for our health, for the trees, or even for those hurtful experiences that make us wiser. A little gratitude goes a long way. And when we become fully engulfed in the present moment, we realize that everything that has happened in the past no longer exists and that the future has yet to come. It is in the present moment that we see that even though pain is a byproduct of our human experience, suffering is a choice. Accepting and surrendering to life as it is is a porcess.Sometimes a process that we have to revisit over and over and over again until enough time has passed for the pain to subside.It isn’t always love and light, allot of the time it feels messy and painful.

But that’s ok. 

“Pain is what it took to teach me to pay attention. In times of pain, when the future is too terrifying to contemplate and the past is too painful to remember, I have learned to pay attention to right now. The precise moment I was in was always the only safe place for me. Each moment, taken alone, was always bearable. In the exact now, we are all, always, alright. Yesterday the marriage may have ended. Tomorrow the cat may die. The phone call from the lover, for all my waiting, may not ever come, but just at the moment, just now, that’s all right. I am breathing in and out. Realizing this, I began to realize that each moment was not without it’s beauty.” -Julia Cameron

The work is in embracing our feelings, seeing them as valid, investiagting what they may be teaching us and letting it all go to create space to let happiness in.Pain is not meant to be hoarded, its purpose is to guide us in the direction of self preservation and self evolution.

-Divine

[worthyofluv]

Things I Crave More Than a Quickie

I crave the gentle caress of an infatuated lover

To feel cherished, desired, wanted, needed

To smile from my soul, not just my face

To be held and fully embraced

Closeness

Connection

Kisses everywhere

Intentional eye gaze

I crave to feel the warmth of a calm soul

On top of me, underneath me, inside of me

I long for the undivided attention from another without outside distractions

Not the couple’s goals shit you see on IG,

But the down to earth, real, stable, passionate, unconditional, trustworthy, illuminating, breath taking, soul shaking kind of intimacy

I need to be seen, heard, felt and adored

I yearn for the kind of love making that ignites a sense of freedom in me

Freedom to live, to love and to exist as my best self

The kind of love that has the power to break me, but chooses instead to nourish me

 -Divine

[worthyofluv]

Redefining What it Means to be a Strong Woman

I used to cringe when someone would tell me that I was a strong black woman. It literally made me sick to feel like the world mostly only saw me as strong, when deep down I knew I was more than that. And to be honest, I didn’t feel strong, I felt weak, and what I needed most was to be seen, heard, understood and felt as opposed to being told to persevere through any and everything. I had been strong long enough and I was tired. Tired of pushing myself beyond my limits, tired of walking out into the world with a mask, tired of abusive relationships, just fucking tired. I was so over life that I contemplated death many times. “Who would care?” “Do I even matter?” are the questions that would cross my mind. Being strong was killing me, literally. 

What I Observed From Working With White Women

In most of my roles, I was usually “the only one” or one out of a few WOC. While working at one particular job (that shall remain unnamed) I noticed that the women carried themselves with a certain kind of ease that I personally had to give myself permission to access. These white women danced so effortlessly in their femininity as if they had their own personal choreographer. It was thought provoking.

Being raised by resilient black queens, naturally, I embody strength, but I had never been taught to embody softness. Too many of us were raised in broken households and had front row seats to the single mother struggle, so we go out into the world with all this fire, but no awareness on how to put it out sometimes. We develop a rigorous work ethic, get into relationships where we want to be the boss and try to be everything for everyone and wonder why we’re so burned out. I am grateful for the resilience that has been passed down in my DNA, but what I learned on my journey is that being strong all the time isn’t my true nature, it’s actually counterintuitive to my true nature. So, it makes perfect sense that life was overwhelming for me, because I wasn’t in alignment with my inner being.

At first glance, it appeared that these women were privileged to be able to live a life true to their womanhood, knowing that they’d always be safe and protected. But then, I realized that I too had access to this way of being and that it is my birthright to be everything that I am meant to be. I learned that I can reclaim my power back by reframing my beliefs around a situation, or finding the better feeling thought; the thought that is most in alignment with my true self.

Intimate Relationships

I saw a post on Instagram that said something along the lines of “Being a martyr is not synonymous with being loyal. Abuse, disrespect and neglect are not prerequisites for a relationship and that as women, we need to dead the idea that we have to go through hell and back to be worthy of love.”

And that’s all I gotta say about that.

What Does it Mean to be a Strong Woman?

In my personal journey, I had to get to know every part of myself, every part of what makes me who I am (and I’m still learning.) I believe that we are multidimensional beings with multiple egos; multiple identities. But during our conditioning, we somehow adapt to what we are told we should become, and we lose sight of our inner child. That part of us that knows no limits, that wants to be an artist, a dancer, a police officer and a chef all in the same day. We forget how to play; we get serious and we conform to a life that many don’t even realize they have conformed to until they have a midlife crisis. Without a strong foundation of self, we become a reflection of what society tells us to be. In a world that is constantly trying to tell you how to live your life, true strength is taking the time to get to know yourself and existing as your fullest expression of self. Furthermore, strength isn’t always about doing or executing. Sometimes there is strength in taking a step back, pausing, or just chilling the fuck out.

Some examples of strength might include:

Your manager telling you “you’re just not the right fit,” and your ability to walk out of her office without reacting and simultaneously telling yourself “she’s wrong, I AM qualified and capable, but it wasn’t my blessing.”

Allowing yourself to rest when tired

Allowing yourself to do the bare minimum when you just can’t that day

Taking a day off to do nothing

Surrendering

Giving yourself permission to play

Asking for what you want/need

Shutting down the Christian mother of the guy who you hooked up with when she tried to slut shame you. I can be both a Queen and sexually liberated. It’s my body and I have autonomy over how I use it.

Walking away from an unhealthy relationship even though you love that person

Crying

Seeking therapy

Giving yourself permission to feel the feels

Feeling hurt, but operating from a place of integrity

Not knowing the answer and being ok with not knowing the answer

Forgiving others

Forgiving your self

Apologizing

Speaking your truth

Listening

Protecting your energy

Saying “damn, I fucked up. What could I have done differently in that situation”?

Immediately blocking a guy who asks you for your IG, and his first comment is “wow, you lost allot of weight” ….by your standards, I may not be fat anymore, but lemme tell you what is phat. Lol. Your loss asshole.

Saying “actually, I like my body the way it is”

Saying “I disagree”

Saying “you were right”

Saying “I need help”

Saying “I need you”

Prioritizing your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical wellbeing above all, even if that means losing people, places and things in the process of becoming your greatest version

I am learning not to fear my emotions but instead, be with them, observe and allow them to pass like the clouds in the sky. Knowing that they will always pass and that good feelings are always available to me, I am able to ride the waves with grace.

-Divine

My Interpretation of What a Strong Woman is

To me, strength is like the glue that holds all the other myriad of qualities that make up my being together. Yes, I am strong at the core, but I can also be vulnerable, soft, emotional, empathic, nurturing, silly, intuitive, insecure, eloquent, afraid, passionate, sad, angry, anxious, a bitch, depressed, sensual, sexual, introverted, intelligent, and kind. Now i understand that when people would tell me I was strong, they were acknowledging something in me that I wasn’t completely aware of. It wasn’t a bad thing at all, but I knew there was more to me than what met the eye.  It was on me, however, to explore the layers of who I am. And it will continue to be on me to walk my path as my most authentic self. Being strong to me means standing in the truth of your whole entire self, not just one aspect of yourself. It’s giving yourself the gift of self-exploration so that you can become self-aware. It is knowing who the fuck you are but still allowing room for growth. I am not the same person I was a year ago and I will certainly be a different person five years from now. If the seasons of nature are constantly in flux, why wouldn’t that also be the case for our evolution? We were not created to be just one thing, we were created to be everything our heart desires and more.

So, the next time someone tells me how strong I am, I will smile and thank them. There’s no need to internalize what someone else thinks of me, because the perception that I have of myself is greater than the perception that anyone has of me. Yes, I am strong, but I am so much more than that.

-Divine

[worthyofluv]

Side Effects of D*ck too Bomb

Many of us weren’t properly educated on sex, the purpose of it and how to responsibly and respectfully engage in it by taking into account our health and safety, our emotions, the state of the relationship and what we want to achieve from said act. In my personal experience, the area where I missed the mark the most was when it came to having a meeting of the minds with the individual I was being intimate with. In other words, my head was in one place, theirs in another. I’m a vibey person, and so I often made the mistake of making decisions based on the chemistry rather than seeing the situation for what it really was.

Allot of us never got the infamous “talk,” but instead experienced the opposite. Whether our very natural desires were repressed and never acknowledged for religious regions or personal beliefs of sex being dirty or reserved for grown folk. Or maybe our caregivers were negligent resulting in us being exploited and unprotected at a vulnerable age. Residing on either end of the spectrum can show up in the form of disconnection, impulsive behavior, and choices being made by the ego, rather than from that part of us that be knowin. That part of us that becomes diminished over time as we become distracted by the daunting tasks of adulting; our inner guide. When we don’t create the space to re-parent ourselves, cultivate our own belief systems, and get to know ourselves on an intimate level, allot of suffering can come from possessing a false narrative around sex and how we relate to it.

Growing up, I can recall moments where I’d hear things like “you better not come home with no belly.” (black parents love saying that sh*t) or being referred to as a bitch and a slut when the word got out that I wasn’t a virgin anymore. I can even recount a time when I was told that I’d only be good for laying on my back. So naturally, I experienced allot of shame, but also became quite the rebellion. (No irony there)

I was also a curvy girl all my life. So as you can imagine, there was allot of projection and shaming around my body as well. Imagine the confusion that came over me when in 6th grade, this kid approached me to tell me that his boy, J.J., wanted to let me know that he thought I was thick. I had no fuckin clue what that meant because in my world, there was something wrong with my body. I was constantly hyper sexualized in spaces where I should have been empowered, uplifted and guided. But after years of peeling back layers of shame and anger, I realized that there was no time for any of that. We were in survival mode, and we cannot be taught which was not taught to our parents. Or maybe I’ve conceptualized the whole thing in my mind as a way to cope. Either way, I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

After many years of social research, I now understand that when J.J. sent the homie over to tell me that I was thick, he was giving me a compliment and perhaps trying to use said compliment to segway into a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. That definitely went over my head. LOL

But the real reason I brought you here today is because I felt called to start a dialogue about how shame can play a role in our choices when it comes to sex. More specifically, the side effects when the D*ck is too bomb!

Let’s get into it ;)

These N***s are Actual Wizards in The Sheets

When the D*ck is too bomb, you might find yourself in a situationship for two years only for him to commit to someone else. And in an effort to reclaim what you thought was yours, you say “but I love you,” and he responds, “but I don’t love you.” (Ouch!)

D*ck too bomb might have you going back to a toxic n***a, even though you are cognitively aware that he is toxic, but you’re just hoping that he will experience a spiritual awakening and realize that you are the backwoods to his Mary Jane. Ha-ha. The joke is on you sis. He’s just not that into you. But that’s ok!

Side Note: In this context, what I mean by toxic is someone who is mentally and emotionally unavailable or someone who just isn’t into you, but rather than clearly and explicitly telling you that he doesn’t want anything too heavy, he proceeds to deal with you and your emotions in a careless manner. This is NOT for the men who are honest in their dealings with women, only for the woman to create her own agenda in an effort to get cuffed. That’s a separate conversation for a separate time. What I am describing is an individual who is unaware of himself, doesn’t give a fuck about your feelings, or someone who is manipulative. He is in it solely for his pleasure. Some might refer to what I call toxic as a fuck boy. But I digress.

Bomb D might have you responding with a sense of urgency when you get that “come thru” text, only to see a newly posted picture of him and his girl the very next day as you peruse down your Facebook timeline. (Really bro?)

You might get hoodwinked into becoming a WHOLE side chick all because the “vibe” was right. And now you gotta change your number because your goofy ass fell in love.

Great sex will have you falling for someones representative rather than who they are at the core.

Bomb D will have you ready to commit to a n***a who you haven’t taken the time to understand or even know if the two of you are truly compatible.

It’ll have you fighting baby mama’s in the middle of the street (so embarrassing) and acting a whole ass and doing things completely out of character to keep Mr. D*ck too bomb, hoping that he has a spiritual awakening and makes you his wife or whatever the fuck they do in fairy tales.

Bomb Diggity D will have you on the pill despite experiencing adverse reactions like depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation and no menstrual flow, just so he can have his way with you. 

Great D*ck could potentially have you settling for crumbs when you deserve a full course meal.

D*ck too bomb will have you thinkin you wit the shits, whole time you’re just a scared little girl trying to fill a void that was created in your childhood. (Sheesh)

A word: Being crazy isn’t cute at all. It’s a waste of energy, usually towards a situation that is either out of your control, or towards something that you knew all along was occurring, but chose to remain blind. Emotional intelligence, autonomy over one’s self and the ability to use discernment is sexy.

I am not credible

I am no sexpert or relationship coach, so understand that I am only giving you my perspective from my very limited sense of perception. I have however experienced the unflattering side effects of d*ckmitization, as a result of an overwhelming amount of unworthiness and emptiness bleeding into my adolescence and adult years. My only goal here is to help someone who may not have the language to describe what they’re feeling, and to show others that we’re all fucked up in some way lol. And that when we shine a light on our flaws, they can no longer thrive in the dark crevices of our soul. I truly believe that having these difficult conversations are a fundamental part of us becoming the most authentic version of ourselves. Vulnerability actually feels kinda cool (Thanks Brene Brown)

Self-Preservation Hot Girl Style

My loves, if you find yourself in the rabbit hole of trying to seek validation and love through sexual means, than he is not the one who needs a spiritual awakening. It’s you! You are the problem, but you are also the solution. It’s time to work on you.

I encourage you to find solitude for a little while. Get acquainted with your own body. Touch yourself. Consider being celibate while you gain clarity. Seek therapy. Get in touch with your spirituality. Explore your belief systems around sex. Are you ok with casual sex? Do you need an emotional connection? Can you be friends with benefits? Or do you prefer a commitment? What are your thoughts on monogamy, cheating, marriage, kids? In what ways do you identify with your femininity or masculinity and how does that translate in the bedroom?

Make having an intimate relationship with yourself a priority so that you can navigate certain situations with more grace and less confusion. Read books, watch YouTube videos, listen to podcasts, talk to folks who been there done that. Invest in self-care practices like yoga, massages and dancing to cultivate that mind, body and spirit connection. Make loving yourself a ritual and understanding your nature a necessity. It is from this place of being grounded in who you are that you can make choices that align with your true values. We attract what we are. And when we have not taken the time to understand ourselves, we risk ending up in situations where we are disrespected, but really, we are only disrespecting ourselves. On the contrary, being self-aware can spare us allot of drama, because when we are in our power, it really doesn’t matter how bomb the D*ck is if it’s attached to someone who doesn’t value us or at the very least care about our well-being. We begin to observe his character to see if he’s worthy of our time and energy. And if he isn’t, that’s ok. We make a mental note that we’re not compatible, and we keep it moving. Cuz it really don’t even be that deep.

Pun intended.

-Divine

[worthyofluv]

What Being Violated Taught Me

It happened while attending massage school. Here I was trying to establish a life that actually felt fulfilling by learning a new skill (one that I actually found passion in) that would allow me to pursue a career in the vast world of wellness and to also be able to give back in a way that came natural to me. Because after all, I am a giver, and it brings me pleasure to be able to spread the love and kindness that naturally exists within me.

Our time in class was spent lecturing for one portion and practicing massage techniques for the second part. During the technique aspect of class, it was protocol to partner up with a classmate to exchange and receive massages. For most, being on the receiving end of a massage four days a week sounds like total bliss. This particular day however, was anything but blissful.

We had an odd number of students that day, so I ended up in a group of three, partnering with two out of the three males out of a class of about eighteen. Coincidence? I’ll never know the answer to that.

I disrobed and got face down on the massage table to allow my classmates to practice their techniques on me. It was dark, and the instructor roamed the room as she normally did. I was vulnerable and would be forever impacted by what was about to happen.

***If you are someone who has been affected by sexual assault of any capacity, I invite you to take a couple deep breaths before reading on***

As I try to regurgitate the memories out of my psyche and onto paper, I realize that the details have become blurred over time. What I do remember is him standing at the head of the table and subtly moving his hands closer and closer to my breasts upon the return of an effleurage stroke. And then it happened, he gripped my breasts as if he had been given VIP access to my body. In my mind, I knew what was happening before it happened, but I was in disbelief, considering the fact that here we were in a class room full of students, not to mention that there was a whole other student working on me at the same time who hadn’t noticed a thing. I froze. I said nothing. I did nothing. I was in shock.

“If there's one thing that I learned

While in those county lines

It's that everything takes time

You have gotta lose your pride

You have gotta lose your mind

Just to find your peace of mind

You have got to trust the signs

Everything will turn out fine”

-Jhené Aiko

 

After that day, allot of things spiraled downward for me. But I like to believe that my world came crashing down so that I could rebuild myself back up, but with a more sturdy foundation than what I had before.

Before I proceed with my story, I want to say that no matter how minor or substantial you perceive a situation that involves sexual misconduct to be, sexual assault is sexual assault and it has a lasting impact that no matter how much healing work an individual does on themselves, that trauma is always lurking below the surface awaiting a trigger to shine a light on its darkness. If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, please don’t diminish your/their experience. It happened, it was traumatic, but it was not your fault, and it does not define you. I will forever be grateful for my friend who held space for me as I tried to minimize my own experience. I love you CJ.

The Aftermath

After that day, I kept wondering why I didn’t stop it. Sure I was in shock, but that event prompted me to asses every intimate experience I’ve had where I wasn’t fully engaged, where I didn’t really want it, where I said “no” but was finessed into having sex when he said “I just want to play with it” but miraculously ended up in me. I realized that I didn’t have any boundaries. No body taught me that it was perfectly ok to say no when I didn’t want it. No body taught me that my body is my temple and that it should only be shared with someone who honors and respects me. No body taught me that sex is an energetic exchange, resulting in a beautiful (or not so beautiful) meshing of two souls, thus becoming one. So I set out to learn these things on my own.

Side note: Brotha’s, I love yall, but “no” means “no.” It does not mean you can seduce her by JUST putting the tip in. It does not mean that she’s playing hard to get. And it does not mean that you should push the issue because she told you before the act that she wanted it. We can change our minds at any point, just like you can. Consider how you might feel if the scenario was with your daughter, sister, cousin, or mother. But I digress.

Boundaries

Boundaries are a way of teaching people how to treat you.

What I’ve learned on my journey is that when you love yourself, not like in a superficial way, but when you love who you are at the core, you establish boundaries as a means of protection. Think of the process of setting boundaries like a traffic light. When a situation is beneficial, adds value to your life or just feels right, you give it a green light and allow it to be a part of your human experience. This might look like allowing your partner to move in with you, lending a friend money, taking on extra assignments at work, or just being a sounding board to someone who needs to vent. When a situation doesn’t feel quite right, but doesn’t feel quite wrong, you might just need to gather more details or sleep on it before you react. This is where the boundary setting will come into play. This is when questions are asked to gain clarity or expectations are expressed explicitly. This my friends if your yellow light. This might show up as someone pursuing an intimate relationship with you when they just got out of a long term relationship less than 24 hours prior. (You are not a rebound!) It might show up at work when you’ve been given a perfect score on your quarterly review, but no raise. You betta ask for that raise! It might show up with family trying to control your life decisions while disguising it as help. But when someone has disrespected you, has been inconsiderate of your wellbeing, or doesn’t value your contribution to them, this is where boundaries need to be most firm and when it is in your best interest to exercise the power of your voice. This is your red light.

All of the above instances are examples of boundaries being tested at varying degrees. Being rooted in who you are and having an awareness of what you bring to the table will make a difference in how you navigate situations that require you to speak up.

The Delivery

It can feel scary to confront situations that don’t sit right with us, and it may even be in your best interest to express yourself once you have a clear mind and your emotions have subsided. But my focus here is not on the tone in which you express yourself but rather on the act of expressing yourself. If something does not sit right with you, speak on it. If verbalizing your thoughts isn’t your forte, write a letter or an email. It’s so important that we say no when we mean no and yes when we mean yes. It’s so important that we stand up for ourselves and speak our truths, no matter how uncomfortable.

Dear Chad Pocock (Yeah I say names)

I’m not sure what your intent was when you violated me, but in some weird way, that experience empowered me to speak up for myself, regardless of the tone, no matter if my voice trembles or if I become emotional in the process.

Because of you, I AM even more resilent.

-Divine