writeriteright

[writeriteright]

newcastle

how many times must i write about newcastle about the wind and snow, the shy, quiet rain about the late afternoon nightfall vertiginous cloudless blue days

the highways and roads sparse of cars smoking outside every street corner bar lemon poppyseed cake in a shophouse alcove crying my heart out in a teashop window convenience store sparkling wine breaking my heart in Chinatown felt like a hate crime

we haven't called newcastle home in years so what am i to do with these tears and all the memories of what we've been through how many times must i write about newcastle how many times must i write about you

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letting go / moving on

can we let it go now all our hurts may we leave it be now all those words shall we put it down now every grudge will it all be okay now or is it asking too much?

neither forgiving nor forgetting neither letting go nor moving on screaming, “i will never let sins go unpunished” but is it justice to keep holding on? stuck in place as the world spins without us tallying up numbers, rounding down it’s been so long there’s not even faces just names in ledgers without count

so can we let it go now let the blood wash away may we leave it be now let the debts go unpaid shall we put it down now let the score be made even it will all be okay now let ourselves be forgiven

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the heart is just a muscle

he confessed on a spring day and i told you only how it made me afraid you said i took it the worst way

takes courage to be bold, you told me, don’t be so cold, you scolded me he has a heart of gold he would have sold to me but my heart is just a muscle

so i lied to him that i loved him and our romance was a whirlwind and to him it was probably heaven but i was guilty as sin

because since the beginning, our ending was on the wall in my handwriting because love is only a feeling and my heart is just a muscle

and i never batted an eye when he said for me he’d leave all he’d known behind and there were no tears, it was bone dry when he wrote me i never replied

but do you recall how i sobbed, how i cried when you told me i should die i guess you thought i wouldn’t mind because my heart is just a muscle

well this heart of stone, you bloodied this mosquito heart, you won it the barrel of my tears you bathed in i did always say you could do anything

pretending at love might have been my crime most heinous but what you did in the name of love is still the cruelest

so riddle me this when you train it, if it hurts does it not grow strong? when you strain it, if it rips does it not heal wrong? when you fall and you bleed, won’t the blood clot? what then do you think happens to a bleeding heart?

the answer to this puzzle: the heart is just a muscle

[writeriteright]

nice guys / nice girls

nice guys finish last but nice girls

get date rape drugged get stalked and mugged

get pressured into sex get murdered by their ex

get stabbed, kidnapped, fuck nice girls die young

go cry yourself a river nice guy go fuck yourself nice guy

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asymptomatic

my palms are dry my stomach calm my heart beats well within normal parameters

my cheeks are cool my speech fluid my every step one after another in a straight line

yet i know it

because the truth is more mundane: i’m not sick with love i’d be sick without it i’m not drunk in love i’d drink myself dead if i don’t have it

so i know it

i’m not in love with you i love you

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eldest daughter

your round cheeks, a smile all baby teeth before you wore glasses, you looked just like me you spoke in little whispers, so gentle and sweet i taught you letters, excited for you to read

i cannot forget how little you were, so small but you grew so fast and you got tall enough for rollercoasters and water slides old enough for movies and motorcycle rides

old enough to be beat till you sobbed for mercy older and wronged, shivering in fury older still and afraid, running faster than tears this is how i began to fear it still haunts me after all these years

so i shush you when you cry so i threaten when you fight so i stayed awake at night so i learned how we survive

hush little baby, don’t say a word mama might come, but i got here first i know you’re scared, i know it hurts but if she comes, it will hurt worse

i age too fast, but still too slow to keep you safe from every blow i failed so i pray you hold your own

but when i beg forgiveness, you say what for you only know peacetime, never war i think i’m glad you don’t remember all

the bloodshed and the slaughter let it die with the eldest daughter

[writeriteright]

value

im so over feeling insecure about how much my love is worth you would be so fucking lucky to be loved by me

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mother

in my dreams, in my head you’re almost comically evil villainous, diabolical

but i know things are not so black and white still your reasons are your own

i fear you more than: god death strangers men

i fear you more

mother if you love me why

[writeriteright]

ok boomer

we’re weaker, maybe we can’t survive in your time we're all so lazy we all have no spine no strength of character nor resilience to speak of unrealistic, fantastical expectations not grounded in reality at all

sure, whatever but

i'm going to be a parent who doesn't hurt their kids i'm going to be a kinder boss than you could ever be

i'm going to be a nicer stranger extend my hands to those in need i'm going to care about the planet you would blow to smithereens

and i swear when i'm old i'm going to have an open mind i'll treat the next generation well i won't be like your kind

because you forget your mortality the one shaping the future is me and in every little thing i do i'm going to be better than you

so, say whatever ok boomer

[writeriteright]

Home

My home is graced with the full force of the sun, And the heavens rain blessings down in floods. The earth and its abundance crowns us royalty, Mother Nature as cruel as she is generous.

My home is in the sprawling concrete jungle, Connected by crisscrossing vines of flyovers. Stocky flats sprouting ears of satellite dishes, With honeycomb hives of air-con compressors.

My home has that rush hour standstill traffic, Every car the glinting scale of a sunbeam snake, Reluctantly slithering into town at dawn, And in the evening making the trip back again.

I’ve seen fall give way to winter then spring, Glass forests of skyscrapers, austere and cold. Walked many a quiet road, but still I know no place quite like my home.

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missing

let me miss you, friend although i made us strangers

let me miss your voice when i was first to fall silent

let me mourn your words when i never returned your letters

let me curse the distance between us although i walked away

let me yearn for you your half breaths when you giggled your consonants when you swore the stories you would tell me as i lay in bed between sleeps you wish me a good day

and when my fever broke when you found me gone, when you awoke perhaps you hated me a little perhaps you didn’t feel anything at all still as underserving as i am

let me miss you

better friends than i could ever be do you ever think of me

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The Original Christian Parent

No, the fault lies with me.

The fault lies with me For expecting you to love me the way you love God: Unconditionally, unquestioningly, unfailingly.

But you love me the way God loves his only Son: When the world turned on Him, God said, "Die."

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okay

By the time I gathered up the courage to tell you, "I have depression," I had been on medication for months.

Terrified that you might not believe me Or that you would blame yourself Or that you would call in a pastor To exorcise me of the spirit of despair, I first monitored the performance of the drugs To prove that the benefits outweighed the side effects.

I thought of everything I could say To convince you my diagnosis and treatment were fair. "Didn't you say that God helps us, but we must help ourselves first ?" "You would go to the doctor for problem with your body, Isn't the brain just another organ in there?"

I had even hoped you could see the difference, So even if you didn't believe in the science, You could approve of its influence.

I didn't need your approval Or your permission I was the one with the depression And it took me over ten years All my friends' encouragement And two suicide attempts To accept that I had a problem and to seek help

I didn't plan on your acceptance, I only felt you deserved this report But maybe, secretly, I wanted your support.

So, By the time I gathered up the courage to tell you, "I have depression," I had been on medication for months.

And you said, "Okay."

We never spoke of it again.

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draw or double kill

In my dreams the night before, I relived our last spar, that last war.

It was I who dealt that dirty blow, But you who called the time of death.

Your proud shadow left the battlefield, Bequeathing me a pathetic victory.

In the years to come, every day after, I told anyone who would listen, how,

All I wanted was a single rematch. How I begged god for one last chance.

Now, faced off once more again with you, I think I hear the music swell for our reunion.

You are just as I remember, I have only improved. My euphoria coasts me through.

Blow for blow, aren't we evenly matched? Did I grow at all? I want to show you my strength.

Am I not an opponent now worthy of your love? Am I better now? Could I be everything you want?

But perhaps you are my hamartia. Or am I fated to only know defeat?

Cutting through all my misconceptions, my blind devotion, Your killing blow landed clean.

Once again, here I am, bleeding out under your feet. You are not the hero I thought you were, this is not a tragedy.

There is no need for best of three, I swear this time I have learned my lesson.

But just for memory's sake, I wonder if, You could let me save face and call it even?

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Do You?

I’m afraid of the dark.

Sometimes I see little lights and they become malicious eyes, they never blink and they stare at me, I can never glare back. I would have run once, but I clench my fists and make myself stay, closing my eyes and holding still, like a statue. I wait, but nothing happens.

Because fear only makes you run when you’re afraid of what the monsters might do to you.

What might they do to you?

It is my 20th birthday and lying down in bed is when I feel him next to me, waiting with a present of opportunity. I am all soft edges and small bones, and he is made of blades and meat grinders. He doesn’t smile, doesn’t say a word, but it’s not polite to keep people waiting. I was raised better than that. I turn over in my bed, back to the mattress, palms up and eyes glued to the ceiling. I start soft and inviting, “Kill me,” I whisper.

He jumps right onto my throat, his weight is suffocating. I struggle a little out of instinct, but he makes my body heavy and all I can do is twitch my fingers. I am full of fear and panic, but he is a guiltless, shameless death and I am godforsaken, so I let him. I let him press down onto my windpipe and I let my breathing turn shallow, I let my eyes roll back, my heart is racing so fast and with whatever I have in my lungs, I egg him on, “Kill me.”

Slowly, oh so slowly, it gets harder and harder to breathe. The room shakes, my eyes swivel, this is taking too long. I was always impatient and nothing has changed, not even in death. I scream, “Kill me!”

The door creaks open and a little child’s skeleton shyly enters my room. He takes a seat by the door as the purple woman walks past him. She leaves her baby, a squalling little ball of white, she leaves it on the floor behind her and it wails and screams under my table but she has more important things to attend to.

She turns to me.

I already knew I was going to hell, but it is taking too long it is taking too long it is taking too long it is taking too long

mama i don’t wanna go to hell, i don’t wanna burn, mama save me, she will bring me with her to see the eternal flames, i know i was just that evil, i was just that evil, the voice of god never visits me, not even in my dreams, before i go to bed only the demons come and god won’t save me it’s too late, mama, please!

I burst up from under his grip.

It is quiet in my room.

It is my 22nd birthday. I have no god and no religion, no hell and no heaven, no prayers and no incense, no sins and no virtue.

I lie down, I know he will visit me, and when I close my eyes, I can feel him leaning over me, curious-like, his hands held carefully behind his back.

I have much to tell him. “You are just chemicals and poor sleep,” I want to say, “you could have never killed me anyway.”

But I am sleepy and too lazy to be bothered getting up so I say, “There’s water and snacks downstairs,” and drift off peacefully into my dreams.

[writeriteright]

this is not my town

The only winter I’ve ever known, I spent it in coal city. Our breath misted in the air, And there was ice on the ground. We run so hot where we’re from, And our roads never know silence, I couldn’t sleep that first night alone, The quiet was too violent.

I was looking for home in the little things, I ate spice just for the warmth it brings, I missed the karaoke rooms and midnight drinks, I missed the way our rain poured down in sheets.

But there was something about reaching out to take your hand. Huddling and hiding from the wind, That winter was my coldest yet, But I had you to keep me warm.

I said, “This is not my town,” You said, “But we could make a home out of it now.” “We’ll make a mark in coal city,” “We’ll set it all ablaze,” “Don’t you want that with me?” How could I ever turn you away?

So we sang karaoke in back alley rooms, We made strangers buy us drinks for two, I roamed the streets with my palm in your hand, I knew your satin sheets firsthand, And winter didn’t stand a chance, Against how warm you made me feel.

I kept calling you mine, mine, mine, But the canary stopped singing long ago. I ignored all the warning signs, To inhale the fumes of our cigarette smoke. And in the aftermath, These tar black lungs take shallow breaths, I’m just a stranger here with nothing left, I’m just a stranger here in a foreign land, There’s not a single soul that understands, How it all went cold once you weren’t my friend. Now the fire’s out, There’s nothing to make me doubt, This is not my town.

Coal city’s too cold without you. Coal city’s too cold without you. Coal city’s too cold without you. Coal city’s too cold without you.

I fled East for warmer weather, You flew West in search of love, I think maybe summer went there with you, Or maybe the cold lives in my bones now. I hope you’re happy there without me, I hope you find all you’re dreaming of. At least one of us should, I hope at least one of us does.

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My Love (The Love That Is Mine)

As I told you before, everyone thinks so. The love you suffer, that love is shallow. So speak your empty white words Of your empty white world And remember a time of color When you were just like all the others. You are all out of love, maybe it’s true, The only person that you love is you. Everyone bleeds red and blue,

But you bleed black.