writtenbylucy - Tumblr blog

[writtenbylucy]

I’ve been alone all this time …

That’s the only rationality that seems to untangle the knots and fuckery that was;

I’m starting to find clarity

In what once was a raging fire,

Hot enough to burn away the memories

I don’t quite remember who I was

But that doesn’t matter

to the person that I am becoming

-Lucy 💚

[writtenbylucy]

[writtenbylucy]

When an angel gets forced into hell

The feathers from their wings

Slowly burn

And then unfortunately they never grow back

I was lured into hell to rescue

A love that died as soon as it sprouted

And when the last of my precious feathers burst into flames

I was left with no hope

How could an angel get back to heaven

Without wings?

I found you

On the other side of hope

Smothered in smoke and ash

Just like me

But ready to lend a hand even though

you too

had nothing left

- Lucy 💚

[writtenbylucy]

Maybe I should keep a journal

Something to keep to myself

But a part of me wants to share what I feel

And what I’ve been through

Because I know other people can relate

It gives me a sort of comfort to know

That I am not alone

Last night I had terrible nightmares

Sometimes people pop up in your dreams uninvited

And it can throw off your inner peace

One of my coping mechanisms was to bury these memories in order to move on

And when I woke up this morning

A lot of the terrible things these people did

Surfaced

and my heart sank once again

I will never understand the monstrous things that occurred

But even knowing won’t heal the wounds within

This morning I woke up and remembered

Things I wish I could forget

But I guess if I didn’t have this heartbreak

I’d still be stuck in an unloving relationship

With someone who probably would have ended up killing me

The pain resides in my chest

And it doesn’t just go away

After all I am human

And pulling an eternal sunshine of the spotless mind is not possible

I learned how to stand up for myself

And let go of seeing the good in others

To see what really lies beneath

- Lucy 💚

[writtenbylucy]

It feels like…

You are going insane

Or that maybe,

You are dreaming

But just as my heart was screaming with each passing second

the beating of my heart felt like daggers

I’m alive

But…

Wishing that I wasn’t.

- Lucy 🥀

[writtenbylucy]

I want to show you those places

The ones that I visit when I want to feel joy

And I want you to be

One of those memories

The ones that remind me of how precious life can be

- Lucy 💚

[writtenbylucy]

Life is only what you perceive it to be

Today I woke up with a sadness

That seems to have made a home in my chest

But today is mine

And I get to decide what I want to feel today

Today I want to feel peace

And the joy of feeling the sun on my skin

And the wind that carries the woody scent of autumn

Today I refuse to bask in my sorrow

And let go of the things that are weighing on me

Heavy

Let it go

And enjoy the simple pleasures in life

- Lucy 💚

[writtenbylucy]

This Fall I turned a beautiful bright red hue

And when the sun shines through me

You won’t be able to help but smile

Yes this is the end of a painful chapter

But there is always beauty in rebirth

I will cherish every leaf that falls

And wear my empty branches with pride

Because when I flourish again

I’ll be a wondrous sight to see

- Lucy 💚

[writtenbylucy]

The girl that used to be me

She wandered through public libraries

And sat in empty coffee shops

Writing about love

She peddled through the neighborhood

Or down a path

Free

Wind in her hair

After dark

Walked barefoot in the grass

That girl never forced a smile

And never doubted she was beautiful

She was so naive

Kept her dreams in the stars

And wore her heart on her sleeve

She was fragile

Too easy to break

I wish I could have kept her safe

- Lucy 💚

[writtenbylucy]

And when the air went cold

So did my soul

it sank like a stone

With nowhere to go

- Lucy 💚

[writtenbylucy]

And so

On a crisp October morning

I could finally breathe

There is something about the cold air

- Lucy 💚

[writtenbylucy]

I picked up my guitar for the first time in awhile and actually played it

Dust gathered

And my heart longed for a song to be sung

Sometimes it hurts too much to sing the songs that I’ve written

And singing other peoples songs seems unfitting

Either way I’ve only ever done it for myself…

Some songs I can’t bring myself to sing a single note

And my throat seems to be tangled in knots

Hopefully one day I can get it out again

And not let the heart and soul I poured into it

go to waste

- Lucy 💚

[writtenbylucy]

I wasn’t doing well

So I wrote it down

In hopes that it would alleviate some of the pain

When I do this

I do it for me

I have to remind myself…

I wasn’t doing well

And you weren’t helping

In fact, you were making things worse

I felt trapped

And alone

Mostly alone

Because you weren’t there

Physically and mentally

Gone

I miss before

And the butterflies

And the flowers that grew

Scattered across the garden

The smell of Agastashe on the front porch

And coming home to Christmas lights strung along the edge of the roof

I remember knocking on a strangers door

And a voice telling me to leave

But I couldn’t

Because all I could hold onto were the small scattered things that built up throughout the years

Our minds wandered to different places

And I lived with a constant lump in my throat

My eyes hurt

From all the crying

And I’d hide my head under a pillow to not make the constant wailing a nuisance to others

No matter how much I showed up

No matter how much I was there

Or wasn’t

You still will never understand what you did

This is why

We just can’t be in each other’s lives

- Lucy 💚

[writtenbylucy]

I think I’m still alive

Or just generally living

For those soft quiet moments

When we’re completely alone

And content with each other’s presence

I think

That’s what love really is

- Lucy 💚

[writtenbylucy]

I’ve been waiting for a moment of clarity

When I’ve sunk too far into my depression that I get tired of it

I’ll get a sudden burst of energy that wasn’t there before and finally have it in me to seek the help I’ve needed this whole time

Every time I close my eyes

You invade my most sacred spaces

And I keep re-living the hurt and betrayal

I never asked for this

I just wanted to love

and be loved in return

- Lucy 💚

[writtenbylucy]

I cannot undo your kindness

And the gentle way you have with me

I, without a doubt

Mean something to you

Under your caring soul

I know

I am safe

- Lucy 💚

[writtenbylucy]

A thousand times I called and you didn’t answer

A thousand times I knocked and you weren’t there

“Sorry” will never be enough

It is just a word…

Wasted breath

behind grieving thoughts

I suffered your pride

I suffered your unwillingness to let go of a drug

I suffered you choosing a stranger over me

I suffered you putting your hands on me

I suffered watching you completely lose your mind

I suffered losing my best friend

There is no “sorry”

Or combination of words that will ever be able to mend the immense amount of damage and trauma and pain that was caused

I suffered… and still do

But that is none of your concern anymore

I will be just fine.

- Lucy 💚