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My brain, constantly:

What if I put Miles completely out of his comfort zone by having Julian breaking down, and he didn't really know what to do so he just pulls him into a hug hoping that'll be enough. And then at some point he gives him a soft kiss on the head because Keiko's the only person he usually hugs like that and he's on autopilot. But Julian lets out a content little hum so Miles kisses him again very gently just because he can. Or maybe Keiko's watching fondly from the doorway and is like "hah, I think he liked that" and comes over to kiss her husband and join in with the gentle Julian petting.

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just typed "#midfuck fic ideas" instead of "#mindfuck fic ideas" and Oh No That's Very Differen--

though actually, no - most things under my #mindfuck tag* are sloanshir, so i guess both actually go together quite often 🤔😅

*(a new and incomplete tag as i trial new tags on my sideblog for backing-up. can't yet be found here i'm afraid)

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Julian tenaciously holding onto any happiness he finds because that's what he learnt he had to do as a child. Happiness is a temporary state, and you've got to make the most of those moments while they last.

During the war Julian spends as much time as he can in the holosuite or at Quark's with his friends, laughing and playing and giving the good times his all, fully aware of how quickly these moments get snatched away. The few years in which he'd learnt what unguarded joy felt like now feel very far away, and on some days it's terrifying to even try for a smile, lest it break and shatter his whole heart along with it.

But he'll be damned if he's going to let the war take away everything he's gained. He's fighting for the Federation, and he'll fight for his own bloody happiness, too.

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We all know Richard and Amsha were awful parents in DBIP, but here are some things that stuck out to me when I re-watched it:

(You may recognise this as a series of posts I made last year - sorry, I just found them and wanted to collect them all in one place! 😊)

1. Richard's insecurity over Julian's enhancements

Over time, I've come to assume that this was more in my head than in canon. But not, it's right there on the screen and it makes me furious. A long time ago, I mused that Julian's image of himself as "unnatural" might have come from the unknowing, offhand comments of playground bullies, but actually... from these conversations, I think Richard himself could well have described Julian's intelligence as "unnatural" during his childhood.

"We're not as bright as he is. We don't have your gifted intellect so we can't see the perfectly obvious." "You're so smart. You know so much that you can stand there and judge us. But you're still not smart enough to see that we saved you from a lifetime of remedial education and underachievement!"

He just cannot stand Julian being able to hold his own in an argument. His own intelligence is such a point of pride that he cannot allow his son to be smarter than him, despite him literally desigining Julian that way. He claims that genetic enhancements are nothing to be ashamed of - that, if anything Julian's "a little more" human for them - yet he's constantly putting Julian down for using his intellet in any way that Richard disagrees with. ("You could've done research back on Earth. I told you that five years ago." AS THOUGH JULIAN DIDN'T KNOW THAT.)

2. Richard's arguing tactics

It managed to surprise me, somehow, how it really is Richard instigating the arguments, with Julian making sarcastic reponses for as long as he can before he resorts to yelling. In both conversations, however, once Julian starts shouting it's made to seem like he's the one being unreasonable. And honestly, I don't think it's an overstatement to call it gaslighting.

In the first conversation, when Julian storms out, Richard calls after him "No, let him go. He can barely stand to be in the same room with us!" - implying that there's no good reason why Julian should want to leave (there is), and that it's Julian's fault for getting angry with them, rather than being based on their actions. He also repeatedly twists Julian's words, making them into attacks against him, implying that Julian is selfish and thoughtless ("We could go to prison, Jules. Have you ever thought about that?") in a way that's either completely unevidenced -- or, again, dismissive of any grounds Julian might have even if it were true. (RICHARD: You don't trust us? AMSHA: He didn't say that, Richard. RICHARD: No, but that's what he meant, isn't it? You think we're going to slip up, say the wrong thing, get us all in trouble.)

Later on, when they're discussing what they're going to do about the reveal, Richard tells Julian "You'd better change that attitude right now if you want to hang on to your career!" and "Well you'd better grow up right now or you're going to lose everything!". At this point, Julian's made it quite clear that he doesn't want to go through the courts, yet Richard insists on continuing to portray this as something Julian needs to do for himself, rather than something that Richard wants to do. And Julian calls him out on it -- "You mean, you're going to lose everything"... But how many arguments did he have to try to fight as a child before he learnt to spot Richard's blame is misplaced?

Other rotten implications in this scene:

the idea that Julian's being childish for taking the decision to resign form Starfleet rather than fight any judgement that came his way (it's not);

that even his "gifts" don't make him as clear-sighted and smart as Richard (gah, see part 1);

and through it all, again, that he's the one being unreasonable.

3. Amsha's manipulations

Oh, she's just awful. First off, it was really noticeable how much she forces Julian to hug or touch her -- the first scene in Sisko's office, in particular, when he's so clearly uncomfortable.

And then she tries to make herself into this mediator, but she's not a good one. She loves Richard -- she talks about his stacks of drawings like their endearing, she's very affectionate with him, and while she will say something if she thinks he's going to far, I don't think it's necessarily because she disagrees with him, but because she knows how he said it will send Julian away. But she also is, in a way, happy to make out that Richard is the "bad parent" to keep her position as the neutral, loving parent intact. She makes Richard 'apologise', she takes none of the blame for the genetic engineering -- once again, I am going to call this behaviour gaslighting. Amsha is constantly manufacturing this image of her own reasonableness and love for Julian as opposed to his father's tendency to fly off the handle, and this is supposed to absolve her of any reponsibility she has for neglecting Julain's needs.

In my view, Amsha only interested in making Julian return her "love" for him (and to a lesser extent, Richard's too). In that second conversation, she initially makes a small plea for him to "listen to his father" (causing Julian to physically move away from her hand on his shoulder) -- and then allows them to continue with their argument, until it gets to the point where Julian implies they're both unloving. Her anger clearly takes Julian aback; she's the one here who attacks his feelings as unreasonable and makes him back down into silence. And then her entire argument is all about her feelings. To paraphrase: "Watching you struggle made me feel bad."

Then she says this: "You can condemn us for what we did. You can say it's illegal or immoral or whatever you want to say, but you have to understand that we didn't do it because we were ashamed, but because you were our son and we loved you."

i.e: "I know you think it was wrong, and I'll even let you say that, but you are not allowed to think that we don't love you."

And if Julian has to believe that his parents' motive was their love for him, then, actually... is he really allowed to condemn them? Or is that just lip service, again, to make Amsha sound reasonable and accommodating?

4: Their 'apologies'

Both times after they argue, his parents then approach him to apologise/make amends. I've always previously assumed this was abnormal for them due to the situation, but I'm starting to wonder if actually this was quite a regular pattern that Julian grew up with. Both his parents clearly want to see themselves as "good people", and so I can imagine them feeling the need to make these lip-service apologies that --presumably, if he's made these same arguments to them before -- end up meaning very little.

Did he learn as a child that shouting was the only way to get them to listen, if only for a little while? Is he used to apologies lasting only for a short while before his parents return to the status quo?

There are imo a number of factors leading to his unusually impassioned defence of his father in the final scene, but I think this could play into it. Agreeing to go to prison is the kind of apology Richard can't just take back a few days/weeks/months later when he starts to remember how 'unreasonable' Jules was being and wonder why he agreed to it when he was in the right. I can imagine one of Julian's first thoughts being "what happens when he changes his mind?"

(Also, it has to be mentioned how shit an apology the first one was. "It's a stressful time for all of us and maybe I said some things I shouldn't have." MAYBE?? Fuck you. Really.)

[Heading towards headcanon territory: Amsha's behaviour, as previously discussed, is another reason why I wouldn't be surprised if the argument-apology model was frequent, because whether or not she's consciously aware of her manipulation, it's an excellent way to control Julian's feelings. It gives her the power of being the mediator; it puts Julian in the position of either accepting it and showing forgiveness, or sounding unreasonable. We never see his actual reaction to their 'apology', but we know they don't think there's anything too unusual about the hologram simply standing there - and Amsha feels quite at ease to reward her unresponsive 'son' with a kiss. Idk, but it seems like they expect Julian to reluctantly accept their apology, and even if he doesn't, they're now in position to absolve themselves of any reponsibility because 'at least we tried'.]

5: Their disregard for Julian's wants

I feel like the previous points have covered this to an extent, but there's a big one which, previously, I've managed to overlook.

At the end of the second conversation, Amsha, in all her reasonableness, finally seems to start listening to Julian. She's shared her feelings, assured him they love him, and asks him "What do you want to do?", to which he, of course, responds with a weary "Nothing".

AND THEN THEY COMPLETELY DISREGARD THIS.

AND THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE BASIS FOR JULIAN'S FORGIVENESS OF THEM?!

I mean, luckily for Julian, it worked out. But they had no basis to assume that Sisko could do anything, and they had no right to go behind Julian's back in the way that they did!

And this is something I've said before, but I also HATE how it's framed that Richard is going to prison "in exchange" for Julian's career. Why should Julian have to bear any of the responsibility for Richard going to prison, when it was Richard's choice to do something illegal that carries a prison sentence? But as it is, Julian would presumably be portrayed as unreasonable if, after this 'sarifice', he didn't forgive his parents and 'accept their love'. Gahhhhhhh. It's just another, horrible manipulation -- and while I don't believe his parents had that much power over how it played out, they must have been going into Sisko's office with some sort of similar agenda on the cards.

["He pleads guilty to illegal genetic engineering and in exchange you stay in the service."

Writing this post, and thinking about this quote, has started me wondering how exactly the conversation went down, because "I'll come quietly if you let him stay in Starfleet" isn't exactly a flex. Unless, of course, Richard has threatened to make this a very embarrassing, public, courtroom drama for Starfleet if the plea deal isn't made -- exactly the type of fuss Julian explicitly didn't want.

I know that Sisko's very good at making his case, and it might all have been his influence. But I can't help wondering if that was the only reason "Richard pleading guilty" would be seen as a good enough reason to acquit Julian, when whether he did or not, they now have evidence of his wrongdoing.]

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I'm trying to create a more organised tagging system for my fic ideas, just to be able to group together certain ideas for my own ease of finding - e.g. "gaslighting fic ideas" or "s31 fic ideas".

But I keep on trying to add an "angsty fic ideas" or "emotional turmoil fic ideas" tag in there, and each time I have to remind myself, "Andi, that's superfluous, all your ideas are angsty emotional turmoil ones!" 😅

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Headcanon - Julian prefers pre-1990s books because after that you never can tell before reading it if there'll be some slight anti-enhanced bent (or even not so slight - surprise! The villain is actually an augment!) and although there are many books that don't lean on that direction, he's been burnt too many times not to be slightly anxious before picking up a book published in this millennia.

Bonus headcanon - once his secret is revealed, he can start openly asking people to recommend their books which 100% don't have any eugenics-war-sentiment wrapped up in them!

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I love you and I love watching Julian suffer

This is so sweet!! :3 :3 :3 I love you too, anon!! 🫂😘💕

(Sorry for not replying earlier! I kept looking at my inbox when I was out of spoons, but seeing this is there did keep making me smile!! 🥰🥰)

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It's my humble belief that polyamory wouldn't fix Julian, but monogamy would make him worse.

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champagne problems by taylor swift but it’s julian reflecting on his relationship with palis.

I didn't know the song, but now I've looked it up I can totally see it. I don't have anything particularly deep to add, but these lines definitely resonated with the idea of this being Julian's pov:

"She would've made such a lovely bride/What a shame she's fucked in the head," they said/

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Going through the few posts I made when I first watched DS9, and I'm loving getting a glimpse of the evolution of my shipping feelings XD

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Oh No

I decided since my blog is way too big to be backed up easily, I'd make a sideblog where I could just rb my text posts to and then see if I could download that, instead.

...I completely forgot that I'd be destroying my own notes in the process 😅

(I just hope this works XD)

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AU where, instead of killing Jadzia, Dukat's uncontrol of his own power ends up severing the connection between Jadzia and Dax in a way that leaves them both just barely alive.

Julian manages to save both, but fears rejoining them would be fatal, and so the symbiont is sent back to Trill asap - joining with Ezri on the way, for lack of other alternatives.

Ezri still finds her way to DS9 and we see her journey of learning to be a new person, but we also see Jadzia figuring out who she is now - definitely not the same Jadzia she was 8 years ago, before joining, but neither quite the same person she was a few weeks ago as Jadzia Dax.

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AU where, instead of killing Jadzia, Dukat's uncontrol of his own power ends up severing the connection between Jadzia and Dax in a way that leaves them both just barely alive.

Julian manages to save both, but fears rejoining them would be fatal, and so the symbiont is sent back to Trill asap - joining with Ezri on the way, for lack of other alternatives.

Ezri still finds her way to DS9 and we see her journey of learning to be a new person, but we also see Jadzia figuring out who she is now - definitely not the same Jadzia she was 8 years ago, before joining, but neither quite the same person she was a few weeks ago as Jadzia Dax.

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This started off as an idle crack thought but I have now lain awake for more than an hour thinking it over and I need you to know I have never been more serious:

Worf&Garak forced marriage AU.

Through *circumstances* the two of them become married (while neither of them are dating anyone else), and they absolutely hate it, it's the worst, they can't stand each other and have practically nothing in common.

Unfortunately, they have each come to the conclusion that, however strangely this marriage has come about, it is both legally and morally binding... and one of the very few things they share is a deep belief in the Importance Of Marriage. The idea of divorce never crosses either of their minds. They're both utterly committed until death do them part.

They don't end up developing romantic feelings for each other. They probably don't even become friends. But they are utterly exclusive and monogamous, and they take their duty of being a husband extremely seriously, even if they don't take their husband seriously.

It's incredible. Please, imagine with me a Broken Link or In Purgatory's Shadow where these two are married. Almost nothing changes but everything's more intense. I can't stand it.

They live on the Defiant, because any respectable family lives together where possible - but they have quarters as far away from each other as possible. They try to live their lives as separately as they can, keeping out of each others' way. They adopt a war orphan the same age as Ziyal because having a "fruitful" marriage is important to Garak. (As is fucking with Dukat by getting close to his daughter... They do both hate Dukat.)

They trust each other implicitly, more than anyone else in their lives. Family is more important than anything. Garak knows if Word ever agreed to report his activities back to Sisko, he'd tell Garak what he was doing. Worf has no idea what Garak will do at any given moment, but knows he'll put Worf and their daughter first, at least. They are constantly disappointed with how honourable/underhanded the other is, and exhorts their kid not to follow in their other father's footsteps.

(Everyone else on DS9 takes their duties as an honorary aunt/uncle VERY seriously to try and make sure this kid gets through Worf and Garak's parenting relatively unscathed. But eccentric as the pair of them are, they're both extremely consistent and protective, and it works out for the kid, in a weird way. A very weird way.)

And it really is a lifelong commitment. When Worf becomes Klingon ambassador, Garak accompanies him. A few years later, he becomes Klingon ambassador to Cardassia, and they settle there together. They're not unhappy. They're still definitely not in love, or nowhere even near it.

I've never been more invested in these characters and desperately want this as a background ship in every other fic I write XD Probably mostly because I should have gone to bed four hours ago and am slightly sleep deprived, but idk, it feels like something has just clicked. THESE TWO. THEY HATE IT. THEY NEVER ONCE DREAM OF "CHEATING". IT'S A BEAUTIFUL , AWFUL THING AND I NEED IT.

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It's late season 6, and Keiko's getting worried about how little sleep Miles and Nerys seem to be getting at the moment. They brush her off, each separately making the case of, "It's not that bad, I'm definitely getting more hours than Julian!"

(... This was going to end with "Cue Keiko dragging all three of them to bed each night and making them get a proper rest", but actually I don't want to put that on her...)

So, cue Keiko going to Sisko to ask him to sort it out and make sure his senior staff are looked after properly. He's kind of aware of it - it's not like he doesn't put in more hours than is reasonable, especially now Jake's moved out - but over the next few days he starts to get into the routine of hunting down the three of them to send to their quarters, and then going back to his own for the night. It's better for all of them.

Or at least, it seems to be, for a few days - maybe even just over a week - before they discover Julian's been sneaking back to his office to put in a few more hours of research and is getting just as little sleep as before.

And now Miles has had a week of proper sleep and remembered how good it actually feels to be well-rested, he and Keiko put in a team effort to start taking Julian back to theirs each night and making him sleep. (Since Kira's been with Odo, she only stays with them when Odo's regenerative cycle has got out-of-sync.)

It's... better for Julian. His nightmares are even more regular than Keiko and Miles', which is bad news for their newly-improved sleeping schedule... She mentions it to Nerys, who suggests Odo could put a tracker on him so he could go back to his own quarters. Keiko's not too sure about that one, but they were going to ask him to spend a few nights next week in his quarters anyway while Nerys came to stay, and when she tells Miles he laughs and thinks it's a great idea. So, they try it the following week, all fond banter and "wouldn't want you to ruin your progress the next few nights!" as Julian lets himself be fitted with the tracker.

Of course, once they're gone and he's suppposed to be sleeping, he removes it. And would have fooled them, too, if he hadn't been so euphoric about figuring out a seamless way to get around the tracker that he totally forgot about the people on the night shift who might physically see him and report him.

Odo drags him back to bed. It's not his proudest moment.

When Ben's told, he resigns himself to this being his problem again. After talking to Kasidy, he goes back to Julian and presents him with the option - no, the order, really - that if he's not going to sleep in his own quarters, he can go back with Sisko and stay in Jake's old room. Julian agrees a little too readily.

(He's not really got a handle on how he's feeling about all this. Embarassed that everyone's making such a fuss of it, warmed by all the attention, in some ways more relaxed since he's been sleeping with the O'Briens, but also more tense at the idea of being a burden on them, and not being 100% clear on what they are now? And still completely unable to unwind at the end of the day when he's on his own and desperately tired of all the fucking nightmares, and relieved that he won't be spending another night completely alone, but maybe Sisko won't hear him yell if he's in a different room...)

Ben wakes up in the middle of the night. Everything's still as he crosses the hallway to the refresher. As he walks back to his room, he remembers that, from how the O'Briens had been talking, he'd been expecting to be woken up by his visitor that night, but there's been no sign of the violent nightmares Julian apparently usually experienced.

An urge to check in on Julian, just as he used to look in on Jake, takes over him, and he changes course towards the other door. It slides open softly, giving gentle illumination to both the passageway, and Julian's sheepish expression as he looks up from the stack of padds surrounding him.

Ben sighs. He grabs a couple of the padds and places them on the desk, and Julian resignedly follows suit, uncharacteristically—

Well, no, actually. It's the end of season six.

...Julian resignedly follows suit, in that quiet manner he'd adopted over the past year. He becomes far more animate when Ben climbs into Jake's bed, awkward and fumlbing and protesting, but Ben simply turns over and orders the lights off. Moments later, he feels the bed dip beside him, and a back bumping against his own. Good.

There is a nightmsre - of course there is - but after waking them both up, Julian comes down from it pretty quickly. And, if he's being honest, Ben falls back to sleep as easy as ever with the warm weight of Julian in his arms.

It becomes a thing, after that. Him-and-Julian when Kasidy is away (she understood, the first time, when she found them curled up together - and she's pleased this whole thing has made Ben sleep better when she's not there - but she does like hvaing Ben to herself on nights when she's back), Miles-and-Keiko-and-Julian when she's not. Worf quickly overrides Dax's playful motion that the two of them should join in and make it a proper game of pass-the-Julian. Nerys and Odo share a nervous look with each other, relaxing as they both give a minute, definite shake of their heads at the idea.

A month or so later, Miles and Keiko are settling down for the night when they suddenly remember that Julian should have been coming over that night. The computer says he's in his quarters - Miles volunteers to go and get him, but Keiko says she'll go, since Miles is supposed to have an early shift tomorrow, and if Julian's sneaking around the station again she'd rather be hunting him down and Miles start getting some rest.

But Julian is in his quarters. And he's not even surrounded by padds! He's curled up in his bed, sweetly asleep.

Keiko smiles. A little bit more sleep and a little bit of love, and maybe Julian's just a little bit more fixed.

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The order was supposed to have been "Kidnap the android working in Starfleet".

By the time it got to Marv, he was told "Kidnap the Starfleet augment", and of course, he had no reason to question it. In his line of work, orders were usually both direct and very vague.

By the time the mix-up was discovered, it was too late for Julian. Marv's team were good at their job, and hadn't taken any short cuts in their preparation. When they'd been unable to find any particular sources describing Doctor Bashir's superpowers, they'd pored over historical documents instead, until they had a plan that could take down Khan himself.

The shadowy figure who'd set off this whole chain of events was far from pleased to find that the officer their people had strapped to a laboratory bed was a living, breathing human. But they weren't the wasteful sort, and once they'd managed to track down who this man was, they figured there'd be some geneticist somewhere willing to pay just as extortionate an amount of money to study Bashir's enhanced brain as he'd paid to take apart Data's positronic one. It was just a question of finding that person...

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When Bashir gets himself kidnapped just before the conference on Romulus, Luther Sloan's first response is a ginormous surge of irritation. He doesn't have time to go rescuing Julian Bashir. But, after a second's thought, he realises that this might actually be a chance to get in Julian's good books, and show him how fortunate it is that Sloan's been keeping such a close eye on him.

(Though not close enough, clearly. He'd have to correct that, when they get back.)

However, when Luther finds Julian, the stubborn doctor starts accusing him of arranging this kidnapping, and he is forced to explain at great length how grateful Julian should be that Sloan's taken it upon himself to act as his guardian angel. Unfortunately, his recital is cut short when his reflexes tell him he is being attacked, and all too soon he finds himself locked up alongside a now extremely irate Bashir.

Of course, Sloan's far from the only person to have been keeping track of Julian's whereabouts. With the advantage of having his own spaceship, he'd beaten Garak to Julian's position by a couple of hours, but it's admittedly a relief that the Cardassian's weird fixation on the doctor has brought him here in such a reasonably timely fashion.

Garak, however, does not seem convinced that he should allow Sloan to go. It's sweet to hear Julian begging for him - "I like him even less than you do, Garak," (Luther will ignore that bit), "but we can't just leave him here, he needs immediate medical attention. I can't let him stay here too die." - but he wishes the Cardassian would show some more consideration in hurrying the fuck up and getting them all out of here, before—

Their captors return. Wonderful. They give Bashir a taster of what will happen to Garak if the doctor doesn't start co-operating soon, then leave the three of them alone to stew for a little longer. Julian's soft hands seem to caress all the places Luther's hurting - he's really hoping the doctor had been exaggerating how close he is to death to better persuade Garak - but all too soon they're gone. Luther is somewhat glad he can't move his head; he does not want to see the doctor fawning over the Cardassian right now.

"Please tell me you let someone know where you were going," he hears Julian mutter.

"I'm sure Captain Sisko and Constable Odo have their own methods of ensuring I don't get... lost. They're surprisingly capable, on occasion."

That's a 'no', then.

"Garak," Julian groans softly.