xellshun - Tumblr blog

[xellshun]

Looking for honest opinions. Found this floating around in a Facebook group. How accurate do you think this is? Do y'all think you can only be one or the other? Or a mixture of the two? Do you believe the saying "Cold hearted psychopath. Hot headed sociopath." is accurate?

[xellshun]

THE THOUGHTS OF A SOCIOPATH

Currently thinking about putting this on my FB page...

*reads*

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Over the last 8 years I've slowly become very cold. My life has become the opposite of what it once was and the person I am now wouldn't even recognize the person I was 8 years ago. I'm sure if me from right now were to meet the me from when I was in my early 20's they wouldn't even know what to say to each other. At least if I could meet my former self I could punch him in the face and tell him what NOT to do over the next fucking 8 years. Hell, the only thing I wouldn't take back in life is my son being born. Everything and everyone else can fuck off. Sorry, not sorry...

I've been screwed over, cheated on, beat up, taken advantage of, lied to, dragged through the mud, used, and abandoned so many times that it's no surprise to me that I was recently diagnosed with ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder). For so long I kept wondering what was wrong with me, why I did this stupid shit I did. But finally after being forced into therapy I can finally point to something and tell myself that THIS is what it is. I can finally give it a name and recognize it...

Yes, I'm a clinically diagnosed sociopath now and there is no cure. My therapist doesn't like using that word but when it comes down to it, that's what I am. I have a weak conscience, I have issues feeling love and deep emotions, I nearly have a complete lack of empathy, remorse, guilt, and shame. I can lie pathologically, deceive, and manipulate without hesitation. I have no fear of death or any kind of disregard for the wellbeing of myself or others. There are very few people in this world that I truly value and the rest are no more than disposable pawns in my game to get what I want. I'm fully capable of taking things and hurting people in cold blood and calm pulse and you know what? It's not because I was born this way, it's not because I do it for any one particular reason or because I have some deep seeded rage against the world. It's because people in my life decided to treat me wrong. It's because I was fucking taught this cruel behavior by the cruel people I encountered throughout life...

No I'm not gunna sit here and play the victim card and blame everyone else. I could have avoided most of these situations and just walked away. But at the same time the people involved in those situations that mistreated me could have done the exact same thing. I take blame when I need to and admit when I fuck up. But I'm not gunna take all the blame when it isn't all my fault...

And guess what? Now I'm a cold hearted, savage, ruthless person with a dysfunctional mind and a barely beating heart. And there is no force on Earth, Heaven, or Hell that will ever change it either.

A pitbull isn't a savage dog just because it's a pitbull. A pitbull CAN be a savage dog though when it's taught how to be a savage dog. It's no different with any other type of living creature on this planet. So if you're gunna treat a person bad then don't be surprised when that person decides to bite your mother fucking hand off and leave you in the woods to bleed out after you treat them like shit.

I try (Yes, I TRY) to be a good person. Do I avoid commiting acts of evil because it's right? No. I avoid commiting acts of evil because it makes sense. A more peaceful and orderly world is a more comfortable world for me to live in so I'll do what I have to in order to keep it that way but I am not afraid to step on someone who gets in my fucking way. I have zero problems doing it if you come at me the wrong way. I don't need anyone in this world to survive except my son. Don't anyone think for a second that I NEED you in my life for survival or happiness. I may want you but I don't fucking need you. Learn the difference and let that sink in before you decide to treat me badly.

It's like the saying goes:

Evil is never born, it is created. All things were once good in the beginning, even Satan. And it is better to be the friend of Satan than to be in His path. As long as you hold that friendship with Him, you are immune to His twisted ways. Tread lightly while walking through the fiery Kingdom of Hell.

____________________________________________

*Stops Reading*

NOPE!

Can't do it. The family will freak out. I will be exposed!

Fuck it, gunna post this crap on Tumblr where no one knows who I am 😎

[xellshun]

((This is me talking to myself \\AKA// XELLSHUN. My sociopathic alter ego.))

Rant time!

You fucking son of a FUCK!

You came so fucking close to screwing up again you mother bitch!!

It started out so good! You got a good job! Good benefits! Good people! Good pay! A new place! A nice car! A hot girlfriend! Everything has improved without conflict...

And you went to work fucking tripping the fuck out! We are both so fucking lucky no one noticed too. I don't even know how with how much toxic shit you decided to put into your fucking system that day. You can't even remember a whole 36 hours this weekend and when it was over you were lucky enough that no one noticed the fact that you were sweating out the drugs for a fucking hour!...

We gottu start following the rules man! You know how you are when you're fucked up. The worst of the worst comes out in you, you're 10 times more ruthless, heartless, and reckless when you're messed up. The monster breaks out and does whatever the fuck he wants and fucks shit up. At least when you're sober you can think more deceptively and cautiously!

Note To Self:

If you're gunna get fucked up and let the monster out to play, make sure you do it behind closed and LOCKED DOORS!

Dumbass.

Rant over....

[xellshun]

It's been a while once again... Some times I wonder what the point of writing on here even is. So why do it? Why do I post on here? Especially after already receiving a lot of hate... I'm not sure...

Some times I hope that I will encounter others like me. Or even better, others that are worse than me. Not because I crave a sick minded friend, but because I crave the proof that I'm not as bad as they come.

When I look in the mirror I don't see the kind hearted, empathetic, ambitious young man I used to...

I see a monster. I see an unrecognizable creation without a properly beating heart. Completely lacking in empathy, remorse, shame, and guilt. I see a beast who lies pathologically, who deceives, who manipulates, and who only see's other people as disposable pawns in my dark and twisted games. I see a beast who has targeted women and used them like pieces of meat to quench my thirst for revenge. I see a being that has no disregard for its own life, let alone the lives of others. I see a creature that finds comfort in the darkness and warmth within pain. I see an addict, a junkie, a liar, a bully, an asshole, a player, a thief, and an individual who can easily hurt others in cold blood and calm pulse...

That's all I see... Is a monster...

The only things I feel love for anymore are children. I have an affinity for them all, especially my own. They are the purest forms of joy and innocence and must be protected at all costs... They are everything I am not...

Anyways, to the point... When I was younger, before my disorder became worse, I used to want to join the Marines. I went and saw a recruiter and he asked me, "Why do you want to join the Marines?" And I answered, without hesitation, "I want to kill people." And he responded with, "That's the best damn answer I've ever heard!"

Maybe he was joking? I'm not sure. But either way my high school teachers convinced me to take the college route instead. Ultimately that route didn't work out. I have several degrees but just haven't used them, clearly...

Fast forward to about 3 years ago and I was working for a family friend on his farm for extra money while I was in college. This was the point in my life when I first started to discover my disorder before knowing what it was even called... I brought it up with this family friend. I told him how I was feeling. Told him how I WASN'T feeling. He listened and gave me his opinion and was basically my first therapist. He was also the first person that introduced me to the butchering of farm animals for food. It was the first time I was able to legally kill animals and dismember them without consequences. Not that it had any direct effect on my disorder but it was the first time I was able to butcher another living creature and realize that it had no emotional effect on me... In fact, cutting chickens heads off and throwing their flopping bodies around after decapitating a deer and skinning it was kind of... Soothing...

But one time I asked him a question while talking about high school. I brought up the subject of the military because he was a former combat medic. He served a long time and saw many dark and graphic things during his career. Not only that but he managed to make quite a life for himself financially. So I figured he would be a good person to ask.

I asked him, "Hypothetically, what if I had gone into the Marines and what if I had gone into combat - Would a person like me not be the perfect type of soldier? Someone who could go into combat, kill others, not feel remorse, empathy, guilt or shame, and be able to come back to the states without PTSD?" Because just think about it. Someone like me who can't feel real emotions for others, trained in the art of combat, and trained to use weapons of death and destruction. Now imagine me being unleashed upon the battlefield to reap havoc on the enemy where the beast inside me can thrive and enjoy the thrill within the Devil's playground...

I explained this hypothetical situation to this friend and he thought long and hard before he answered. Once he did, his answer went something like this, "Technically, you have a point. Someone who is as heartless as you described would make a very ruthless and useful soldier when it comes to combat. But here's the real question you have to ask yourself. If you did go into combat and got your first taste of bloodshed, would you then have an off switch when the war was over and it was time to come back to the states?"

Or in other words, if I let the true sociopath within me out, would I be able to lock him back up and regain control of the monster?

I've thought about it hundreds of times since then. What would happen if I did? What would happen if I took that next big step on the spectrum of sociopathy and psychopathy and took my first human life? What would I feel? Would I feel anything or would I just continue to be a cold and heartless vessel? I've made it a point to seek out some of the most violent, graphic, and horrid videos on the dark web to test myself. I exposed myself to visuals and images that would make most people physically sick... But when I saw these images and videos, I won't lie, I felt nothing at all...

Do I actually want to kill someone? Yes and no. No because there is not any one single person I have enough hatred for to actually want to kill. And yes for the simple fact there is a part of me that wants to test it out.

Will I ever do it? No, that would be pointless and would put me at risk of ending up in prison for the rest of my life.

But what if I had the chance to kill someone worth killing? Like another murderer, a pedophile, or a rapist? For them the answer is clear, yes I would, in a heart beat. But then again I'm sure most people would gladly say yes to that as well. The only difference is I'm not sure if I would enjoy it or be completely unmoved by it. Surely a normal person would feel some sort of negative way, regardless of who they're killing, because that's.. Well.. Normal, right?

Sociopaths and psychopaths are known for either feeling completely numb to killing or enjoying it...

I just don't know which one it would be for me...

[xellshun]

It's been a little while since I've rambled. As a sociopath I find it necessary to go into hiding from time to time. During these times I go into hours, some times even days of deep thinking. I think of my goals, what I can do to achieve them, and who I can deceive and manipulate in order to make it all happen. But I also have to consider how to do all of this without hurting myself, anyone else, or anything else... At least to an extent...

Not because I care but because it makes sense... I do feel like a monster. And it's fairly clear in some of my previous posts why I think I'm a monster, and others agree with me...

The hate doesn't bother me. People can call me whatever they want, it doesn't hurt... Regardless of how the world responds to my behavior I remain unmoved and unemotional, alert and calculated, in cold blood and calm pulse...

I know I should feel bad for how I act as a parasite on everyone around me, but no matter how hard I try I can not bring myself to feel remorse or empathy...

As I sit amongst the crowds of all the normal people I feel like I stand out yet I feel invisible at the same time. Because I know they can't see what truly lies beneath the mask. And if they did, most would run away in horror from who and what I truly am.

And I don't blame them either. But I can't change what I am, there is no real cure. The only thing I can do is learn how to pretend more and more each day so that I can retain the image of a good and honest family man.

My new girlfriend has 3 children. She has a good job, a nice car, and we just got done moving into an adorable cute little home in a small quiet town. I have lots of issues that she's aware of and she is also aware of my disorder... I told her early on just as a warning, in case she decided she couldn't be with someone like me...

But she didn't run. She looked at me with loving and caring eyes and told me she saw a good man behind all the darkness I claim to have dwelling in my soul...

She offered to shelter me, give me food, clothing, access to her vehicle, her money, her kids lives, and her life as well. Knowing what she does she still gave me a chance to be good when deep down at any moment I could pull out my blade and destroy everything in the blink of an eye like I have done so many times before...

And what did I do?... Well, as I type this out, her older daughter is sitting next to me, her younger daughter is playing with blocks, and her oldest son is watching TV while my girlfriend makes us lunch. Everything is fine, everything is going as planned, and everyone is happy...

I start my new job tomorrow, which she helped me get. She has helped me with many things, for no reason at all. She just... Randomly decided to show so much compassion to ME, the savage monster that has no morality.

Why?...

I don't know...

But so far I've been playing the role I know I need to and I've been putting up with the bullshit that I'm not used to just to keep myself in this safe and comfortable position. I guess as long as I play my part then no one gets hurt, right?...

But the impulses are still there, the urges still bother me... So I've been doing what I can to separate myself from them so I can have my moments where I let the beast run free...

It's the only way things will work out... I HAVE to feed him. Otherwise he breaks out and goes wild. And when he does he hurts everyone around him...

It's times like that... When I end up in jail... I can't let that happen anymore... I have a son, a girlfriend with kids, a home, a car, a job, friends, money... I can't let him destroy what I have going for me this time...

But...

Here...

At the end of things...

I can still feel his power... It calls to me...

I have to feed him from time to time, making sure his leash is tight and his cage is sturdy...

I can't let him play for too long...

[xellshun]

I feel the next few days will open the gates for a brand new world for me to play in...

Perhaps... This time she didn't have to find me... Maybe I found her?

I chose her wisely, she had to have purpose and meaning. Not only did she need to fullfil my needs but show potential to opening my heart to love once more...

She had to stand out...

There are only TWO types of women out there fellas...

1. Wife Material

2. Practice Girls

This woman I found is scoring very high on the wife material scale...

We'll see how this goes...

[xellshun]

Feeding The Beast

I stand firm when supporting one of my favorite quotes: Evil is never born, it is created. All things were once good in the beginning, even Satan.

With the developement of my disorder and my descent into becoming a sociopath came many dark traits that I’ve used countless times to calm my urges and impulses. Most of them are fairly common among those with ASPD. But one quality has always stood above all the others.

My desire to victimize as many women as possible.

This post will focus on this trait rather than HOW it came to be but I will share a little bit of my past just to give you a general idea of it’s origins.

Over the course of the last 7 years I went through 3 very traumatic relationships. But before I did, I was a very kind hearted, ambitious, compassionate person with a huge dream of some day finding the love of my life, building a family, and living out the same fairy tale ending that my parents and their parents had before them. I had this perfect image of how my love life would work out and I based it off of what I watched my family build as I grew up. I grew up with a very close, caring, and loving family. So going into adulthood that’s just how I thought things were supposed to be.

I didn’t realize how fucking wrong I truly was and I was no where near prepared for the 7 year long nightmare I was about to go through...

The first of the three stages was when I lost my first true love - the mother of my beloved son. Not only did I loose her along with all my hopes and dreams of having that fairy tale ending. But I lost her while she was still pregnant with my son... So along with the initial pain, my first experience of pregnancy and my introduction to being a father were stripped from me and left me in a state of mind that pushed me into making my FIRST step down the dark I would eventually get lost in. She was what I would eventually call “The First Heartache”

The second stage happened with my next serious girlfriend. She would not only be my second love but would also end up being the girl who would eventually become extremely abusive. Physically, emotionally, mentally - she tortured me. She ultimately become what I called “The Abuser”

At this point, my disorder was born and rapidly growing. Coupled with emotional distress and a newly developed addiction to drugs and alcohol, my next relationship would only escalate the problems. She was a drinker, a drug user, and eventually a cheater. Her betrayal lead me down a path filled with an unending urge to stay intoxicated to cure the pain. And even though I should have left both her and the last girl, I didn’t. I was constantly trying to fill the void in my heart left by the first girl. But this third girl was no better than the last. She eventually became what I called “The Drunk Cheater”

By this point, my son was 5 years old. My relationship with him and my family was greatly damaged. I had come off my ADHD medication, struggled to stay employed, struggled with money, wrecked and totaled my vehicle, got into trouble with the law, did time in jail, struggled on and off with addiction to both drugs and alcohol, lost many of my friends... And above all else...

I lost myself...

And I forgot the feeling of remorse... Of empathy... And love...

The person I became and am now is the total opposite of who and what I was 7 years ago. Me then and me now wouldn’t even recognize each other if they met...

And thus, the sociopath was born... And within the dark pit of inhumane emotions, impulses, and urges.. The strongest one was my unending thirst for revenge...

And with that, the player mentality became supreme. And with it every aspect of my life would shift, change, and become centered around an unending cycle of chasing women. It started out as me just having fun and enjoying the single life and eventually evolved to what I do now.

So what do I do? For starters, I supress the monster underneath, I go out and I hunt women. I will often create several dating profiles, all of which with the same pictures, the same information about myself, and it has quickly turned into a game of seeing how many women I can sleep with in the shortest amount of time.

People would probably tell me “You sound like every other typical asshole player.” And it’s partially true, but in my mind I am a hunter. But I don’t hunt with the goal to kill (or hurt these women). I hunt with the goal of capturing and retaining them. I go out with my sociopathic mask, looking friendly, nice, and emotional. I play the part of a good honest man who just wants to settle down. For each individual girl I would learn her, everything about her, I would research her and read her like a book. I would figure out exactly what she wants and needs in a partner and I’d become that to the best of my ability. Once they are lured in I deceieve and manipulate every situation. Slowly and pateintly I shift the mood and create a large amount of sexual tension. I never come off as the creep, I never make them uncomfortable, and I always wait for THEM to make the first move. Why? Because it makes me feel powerful. And when we finally reach the point of having sex the sexual side of my sociopathic tendencies comes out. You see, I don’t care about finishing. It’s not what I look forward to and I don’t need to finish to be happy. The only thing that matters is HER pleasure. In those moments of intercourse I do everything in my physical ability to fuck them in every way they fantasize about. The porn star comes out and my one and only goal is to fuck them to the point where they are physically sore and trembling from orgasms. I want them to have issues walking the next day, I want to rearange their insides, and turn their intestines into soup. It almost never fails and this newly found dark skill has increased my body count from a pathetic 5 (my son’s mom) to a body count of 52 as of this last weekend.

But do I stop there and leave them in the dust? Hell no! I keep them around, I drag them around, and am constantly looking for new targets daily. I keep them around for many reasons - sex, money, drugs, alcohol, transportation, parties, new friends... And some times I’ll keep them around and create friendships with them so I always have someone to talk to or hang out with.

This way I am never bored and can always feed whatever hunger comes into my darkened heart...

I have done so many messed up things. Slept with more than one girl in a single day, slept with a new girl every day of the week, fucked a girl and then fucked her best friend. I’ve made women cheat on their boyfriends and then turned around and hung out with their boyfriends. I’ve made wives cheat on their poor unknowing husbands. Some would find out and their wives would leave them for me. Others would simply ask me to never mention it. Do I respect their wishes? Of course! Like I said. I never purposely treat any of these women poorly. I do this so that I can retain my image as a good and normal man. But more often than not, it’s the sex that makes them come back. I can’t tell you how many girls I’ve dicked down. I’ve been with all kinds of girls. Blondes, redheads, burnettes, thick girls, thin girls, small boobs, huge boobs, some who could be porn stars, some who were covered in tattoos and peircings, some were cam girls, some were strippers, some were partiers, drinkers, some were moms, some were church girls, some were younger, some were older... I think the only type of girl I have yet to be with is an Asian... Gunna have to change that...

I’ve been all over the place too. I can’t go to ANY surrounding town from where I live without knowing a girl I’ve fucked there. It’s hard enough when I’m out running errands too, can’t go fucking anywhere without the chance of seeing one of my victims.

All in all, it’s the thrill of the chase, it’s the thrill of knowing what lurks beneath the mask while they remain clueless, it’s the feeling of being so cold and heartless yet have the ability to bring them so many emotions I can’t feel, it’s about giving them the best sex of their lives, it’s about the satisfaction of leashing them along like pets, it’s about POWER and CONTROL. The two fucking things I had so little of when this all started during those 3 toxic and traumatizing relationships.

And in the deepest, darkest corners of my sick mind... In these many moments of deception and manipulation... I trick myself into believing that these poor girls I victimize are my exes.. In an attempt to feel some type or form of revenge to dowse the neverending burning fires of PURE HATRED that have turned my entire world into a place of devastation that is now just as dark as my heart...

For me, women as a whole, are my newly developed drug addiction. When I see them, I don’t see people, I see prey that I can use for whatever benefit I see fit. And if those benefits run out I simply take them to the slaughter house and use them one last time. Rejection doesn’t faze me either. If a single sheep manages to escape my fenced in prison it doesn’t bother me, the herde always consists of between 10-20 women at all times. It’s as easy as a simple hunting trip, which I honestly enjoy. After all, it’s always good to get out every once in a while.

This is what my life has turned into. A never ending sickening cycle of trying to fill in the void within my heart that they left behind those years ago. But in the end that ONE thing that can fill this whole is the one thing I avoid the most - Love...

Yes, my therapist knows about all of this. It’s great because my therapist is a female so it’s nice to be able to share my stories and brag to a girl who’s job is to help me. She probably thinks I’m a fucking piece of shit and I don’t blame her. But she’s a professional and has to help people like me.

We’ve discussed goals throughout therapy on ways for me to relearn the feelings of empathy, remorse, love, and so on... It’s one of many goals and this is the one I have the most trouble with... Part of me wants to change and go back to being normal. But the other part of me wants to keep doing what I do best because it’s just so much damn fun.

So will this part of me ever change? I think so. I hope so. The only other times I went from being a total man whore to a faithful loving man was every time a girl would come into my life who was strong enough to snap me out of dark ways... So far it’s only happened twice. My body count is at 52 and going up more quickly than ever. I’ve spoken to thousands of women, met hundreds, recieved thousands of numbers, thousands of X rated pictures and videos of these women, I’ve had sex thousands of times, and it’s getting to the point where these women just seem to blur together...

There’s little hope of finding a girl strong enough to pull me from the darkness this time. And honestly, I’m okay with it. I am at a point where the darkness is comforting and feels like home...

So this time around.. Not only does she need to be strong enough to pull me out... She needs to be brave enough to venture into a world of total darkness...

[xellshun]

DXM

So here’s a little something I like to talk about from time to time. For starters, I am a sociopath, if you don’t know what that is then look it up if you want because it’s a lot to explain. But let’s just say this means I’m incapable of feeling things like empathy, remorse, guilt, and shame.

So with the fact that I am emotionally and mentally colder than normal people, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel other negative feelings. With that being said I have gone through my fair share of drug and alcohol abuse and over the years there was one drug that just seemed to solve everything that my disorder couldn’t. For some, it’s meth, for others, it’s pain pills, and for some, it’s alcohol. I’ve tried basically everything, I’ve even tried drugs that don’t have names yet. But there was one drug that just stood out from the rest.

The drug has many names and terms associated with it - Tripple C’s, Robo Tripping, The Poor Man’s PCP, and so on... But for me, I stuck with the simple name - DXM.

Before I share my story I do NOT condone the use of this substance and will encourage anyone reading this to steer clear of it. The purpose of this is just to share my story.

I won’t ramble on about when my abuse started or why I began abusing it. This is more focused on the experience itself. SO! DXM stands for dextromethorphan. What is it? Easy, it’s cough medicine. Yeah, childish right? Well for me it didn’t matter and what makes this drug so dangerous is the fact that you can buy it anywhere without a script, it’s extremely cheap, it’s not illegal, and doesn’t show up in drug tests...

I won’t go about giving details about the unique routine I perfected over the years to get high off of this drug because I don’t want anyone reading this to copy it and end up fucking killing themselves or anyone else. Not that I give a shit but I won’t have that coming back on me. I will also not be mentioning dosage amounts, what brands I used, where exactly to get them, or how much this stuff costs. But what I will go into detail about is the high itself, what I felt, and what it was like. And if, for some reason, YOU decide to try this shit. Do it at your own risk. I used my own body as a test rat before I figured out exactly how to achieve my desired high without causing myself or others harm and I’m fucking LUCKY for that...

So let’s begin:

Stage one - The preparation dosage. I would always start out by eating a well balanced meal, making sure I had a means of getting fresh water, accessibility to a bathroom in case I got sick, a way of calling for help if needed, and I always made sure to seclude myself. I would then begin dosing up. Taking so many at a time on a strict schedule over the course of 30 minutes. After that I would wait for the first plateau of the high to take hold. The first stage is pretty mild. The first effects you’ll feel are a mild form of numbness throughout your body, your lips will begin to tingle, your vision will begin to become slightly blurred, and you’ll feel an overall sense of euphoric calmness. Once this stage was finished I would proceed with the next. But This stage was a must. Taking more than what my routine called for too quickly would cause me to get sick which would ruin the high. The goal of this stage was to push my body far enough under the influence that my stomach would then be unable to feel the fact that I was overdosing on a substance it would recognize as poison.

Stage two - The waves of calmness. Over the next hour or so I would slowly begin taking waves of this medicine in quantities that amount to half, equal to, or times 1 and 1/2 as much as the first dosage. How I felt as each wave kicked in would determine how much I would take on the next. This would be enough to take me to a level of intoxication between the second and third plateau of the high in a couple hours with the climax of the high hitting around hour 3. At this level I would feel a physical numbness in my skin equal to what you would feel on a high dose of pain pills. At this stage I would also experience my favorite part, the emotional and mental numbness. It wouldn’t matter how I was feeling before I would get high, it would feel as if every negative feeling inside my heart and mind would just slowly fade. Just imagine in. Imagine that no matter what discomfort you are feeling. This high will make it all go away, leaving you in a state of harmony... Along with that, this is the point where visual and auditory hallucinations begin to kick in. They were never anything scarry, nightmarish, or anything that would cause me to go out and randomly attack someone because I though they were lizard people. No, hallucinations are actually very timid and for me, amusing. I remember a time I was outside at 2am having a smoke, I looked off into the distant fields near the park and track just beyond my yard. And I remember seeing fireworks flying into the air just passed the tree line about 200 yards away. They didn’t look like normal fireworks and there was no sound. If you’ve ever watched the first Lord of The Rings movie where Gandalf is shooting off fireworks in the shire, it was similar to that, they looked like they were alive. A lot of my hallucinations were filled with lights that appeared without a source, they would dance and zip around the room like bugs and would even form the shapes of tiny people who would wave at me. Another common hallucination is what I like to call “sand people.” It’s where I would stare into space and right before my eyes, particles and clumps of colored sand would appear in front of me. They would move around slowly forming all kinds of shapes. If I wanted them to vanish I would just shake my head and let them reappear. So at this point, the high was overall very calming, there was no pain, no fear, no stress, no anxiety, no depression, no sadness... It was just pure... Peace... For each person I imagine the things you see and hear will be different, but these are just examples of the “pros” of the high for me.

Stage three - Beyond the safe zone. As you can probably guess, there is a fourth plateau. This level of the high is where it can become frightening and possibly even life threatening. BUT I’ve gone to and far beyond this level. There were only a handful of times where I considered calling an ambulence but never did. Not because I wanted to die, but because I was in such a messed up state of mind I just said “fuck it.” Anyways, so during these days where I decided to send my soul to a parallel universe I was, thankfully, alone because at this point the side effects become so intense that it’s impossible to hide the fact that you are CLEARLY fucked up on something. During the second and third plateau you’ll start to experience dificulties walking and talking, much like you would with alcohol but it is slightly different. Anyways, at and beyond the fourth plateau these side effects become very strong. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to slowly crawl to the bathroom because I couldn’t walk. Not only do you become very physically impaired but at this point you will begin to loose your grip on reality. The hallucinations will become so powerful that you will experience temporary fits of delirium and psychosis. Yes, I’m serious.. For me it was like having a messed up dream that made no sense but I was wide awake and watching it play before my eyes but I was also inside the dream outside my own body... This made everything very confusing and often times I would also go through moments where my brain would race so fast that I couldn’t focus on anything... Literally. I called this side effect “The Haze.” Things would only get worse too. Slowly I would start to feel my bodily functions just... Turn off... Like I was breathing and alive but only with the most basic functions. I called this stage “Zombie Mode” because it was pretty much a mode where the lights are on upstairs but no ones home. Ready for the frightening side effects? Yeah, haven’t got there yet... Imagine you get your body and mind so far under the influence of this drug that one of your eyes LITERALLY AND ACTUALLY shuts off temporarily. Yes, this is a very real side effect that I have witnessed, temporary fucking blindness... Oh, how about uncontrollable muscle spasms that are so random and strong that it literally feels like invisible people are grabbing you and shaking your limbs? Or how about if every time you try to move, your muscles are so disfunctional that it actually feels like you have dead meat inside of you, just sitting there, weighing you down. Not only this but the hallucinations can, at this point, become nightmarish. For me, I was so used to it that I always just closed my eyes, covered my ears and would tell myself “It’s just the drugs, it’s just the drugs, it’s not real, don’t freak out, just let it wear off!” And I can’t even begin to tell you how confused and delusional you become at this point. At this stage it becomes a battle of mind over matter. So unless your pretty fearless like me, this stage might cause real harm... So yeah, it kind of feels like your body is slowly shutting down and dieing underneath you without the pain or suffering. It’s a side effect called “Ego Death.” The only GOOD part about this stage is that the physical, emotional, and mental numbess are still present and very strong. So a lot of times I was still very unmoved by what was happening to my body. This is a level I do not like to go to because of the negative side effects. The small amount of times that I did reach this point was for one simple reason, I was just too high to know any better before hand and took too much too fast. Oh and guess what else? You can’t have sex on this drug. Men can’t achieve erections, women can’t get wet, and neither can reach orgasm. At least not without the help of other drugs. So don’t plan on fuckin’ while you trip out on this shit... And let’s not forget the come down!... It’s not that bad, haha. There’s no hangover waiting for you after the come down too. The come down is just very slow, you’ll feel your bodily functions start to turn back on, things will become more clear, the feeling in your skin will come back in the form of a tingling feeling, your inner organs will start to become warm (yes you can feel it). You’ll have waves of what feels like...(How do I describe this)... Ever seen the Poltergiest movies? I think it’s one of those... A scene where someone is pulled from the fucking ghost dimension from a portal covered in fucking slime? Yeah, kind of feels like that. I call it the “Rebirth” stage. And yes, you will sweat out layers of the drug. It will be a cold and abnormally thick sweat though... Hence the slime reference. BUT at the end of the road, no hang over, no headaches, no upset stomach, you just... Go back to normal. Often times I go into a deep sleep for 12 hours and wake up feeling at 120%. So I guess you could say the come down could be both negative and positive? Depending on your opinion? For me the come down was very soothing so I never hated it..

So that’s just a glimpse into what I was going through for what was about 4 years. Those four years happening during the development of my disorder, ASPD, as well.

So why did I do it? Besides the fact that it was readily available, cheap, legal, and untraceable.... It was the mental and emotional numbness that I fell in love with... It’s not that the drug was bringing me any one type of feeling... It was the drug taking all my feelings away and allowing an overwhelming sense of peace and calmness over take me. It was my escape from reality. My way out. It was like mentally getting into a rocket ship and just blasting off into space on an adventure in my head. In fact, often times I would simply follow my own rules, get high, sit myself down in front of my TV and play video games. I would get immersed in the games and forget about the struggles of real life...

Oh and just another fair warning for you all. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT EVER mix this shit with ANY other substance, especially alcohol!! I promise you it will end badly, trust me, I would know...

So what the fuck does this have to do with my disorder and the fact that I’m a sociopath? It was just another way of completing myself. I already have a lack of many emotions due to my disorder, so for me, it was finishing myself off. Making myself completely void of any and all emotion.

Do I think this drug had any kind of effect on making my disorder worse?.. It’s possible. But their were many factors that caused my disorder to get worse over the course of the last 7 years since it started to develope. So it’s hard to tell.

Do I think this drug has caused any permanent damage to me in any way? That I’m not so sure about either. I’ve done my own research on this drug and there just isn’t alot of solid information on it because this isn’t a drug that is commonly brought up when you think of individuals suffering from substance abuse. It’s just not up there on the high ranks along side substances like opiates, stimulants, and alcohol.

So what kind of drug is DXM anyways? It’s what’s known as a dissociative anesthetic hallucinogen and is commonly compared to hard drugs such as PCP and Acid. Does this mean when you take cold medicine you could get high on accident? No. At proper dosages cold medicine acts as a cough supressent. You have to overdose greatly in order for it to act as a hallucinogen.

Am I still currently using this drug? Yes, but very rarely. I only use it when I know 100% I can do it safely, without being noticed, without hurting myself or anyone else. And since I am currently on probation with just one month left and also attending counseling... Well let’s just say I keep this shit strictly to myself and do it very secretly. The last thing I want is to end up back in jail. So don’t be concerned, you don’t have to worry about the possibility of a sociopathic guy running around town high off his ass in the middle of the night... Do I want to stop? Yeah of course. Relying on a fucking drug to feel “okay” kind of fucking sucks. Will I stop? I don’t know... Only time will tell...

So.. Is it addictive? Yes and no. Not in the same way that heroin and meth are. You won’t get withdrawal symptoms after coming off of it...

It’s more of an addiction to the “lack there of” when it comes to your emotions and mentality...

It doesn’t give you what you want, it takes away what you don’t want...

And for me, during my darkest hours of life, that is exactly what I crave...

[xellshun]

Where to begin..

Not sure how this all works but I guess I’ll start with the purpose of this. Simply put, I am a man who has been diagnosed with ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder) and I am classified as a sociopath. But I didn’t always know what I was, in fact I didn’t develope this disorder until about 7 years ago. Since then and up until recently, my disorder has progrssively gotten worse. The only reason I was diagnosed was because my deviant ways lead me into trouble with the law where I was then forced to attend counseling. I’ve been in therapy for almost a year now and over time my therapist put together the pieces of what exactly has been going on in my head...

It always feels better when my therapist calls me... I’m able to tell her things I can’t tell anyone else. She’s the only person I can vent to without judgement and with positive feedback...

But something is coming up that I am both excited for yet also worried about. I’ve been on probation for my crimes for two years now, since then I’ve made lots of efforts on improving my life and surpressing my sociopathic tendencies... I am about one month away from being set free from the watchful eyes of the law...

What my therapist and probation officer don’t know is that many things have happened behind their backs... They believe I have been sober, that I am becoming more empathetic, more remorseful... They think I’m becoming a good person again...

But that is far from the truth...

Talking to my therapist helps but it’s just not enough anymore. I needed a place where I can talk about the things I can’t tell my therapist or my probation officer, which is why I came here.

So now the questions come to mind. Do I come clean to my PO? Hell no. Do I come clean to my therapist after I’m no longer on probation? Maybe... Do I stay in counseling? Yes, I think I will...

But the biggest question is this; do I give in to my impulses and allow the monster inside to run free? I’m not sure but I want to...

Because as of now, and for several years, I’ve had to hide so many things, so many deeds, so many dark desires, so many impulses... For years I could only let the monster out briefly so that he could play. It was the only way for me to calm my thirst without causing any harm to myself or anyone else...

As time goes by I’ll tell more of my stories. This won’t be like a story where I write from point A to point B. Whenever I feel the urge to share, I will. But forgive me if they are random. At times I’ll share things about my past, how this all came to be... And if I’m feeling “in the mood” I’ll share some of the darker side of my life and the things I do to calm the monster inside of me...

What do I want to gain from this?... Answers, opinions, a little attention, and probably a little bit of hatred...

One thing is certain, there is no force in existence that can fix me...

So unless that magical day comes I will continue hiding behind my friendly, kind mask... Never removing it in public... Never...

It only comes off when I want to see the faceless monster underneath with his many forms looking back at me in the mirror... That’s just what it’s like being a sociopath... You’re a predator, living among your prey, dressed as a timid sheep... Just waiting for the right moment to strike...