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I’m empty inside, I’m broken

Redeemable, yet hopeless

A ghost to the world, invisible to all

I’m still alive, despite all odds

I don’t want to die, but every day my death is slowly unraveling

I don’t want to die, but I’m poisoning myself with bad habits

I don’t want to die, but my life has lost all control

I don’t want to die, I’m scared of what’s to come

I don’t want to die, my brain is just shrouded in an engulfing fog

I don’t want to die, I just exist here, empty a hollow shell

I don’t want to die, yet I never thought I’d get this far

Here I stumble aimlessly, hoping to be saved

I don’t feel happy, just torture

No pleasure in my hobbies that once brought me joy

I’ll save myself this time, I swear

Do I yearn for death, or do I want to be free from this misery?

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Until your last breath, fight so valiantly

Gutsy as thunder, grace and elegant.

Stand the trials of time, tears of uncertainty

Death comes marching, pleading, come to me.

With one fierce battle cry, dagger in hand. Creature of the night, come to your last stand.

If not now, there is no never. In your next life you will chase your endeavors.

Clutching your beads, spread wings with white feathers. Weather away with me, storms are my solace. Solitude and suffering, a familiar silence.

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Grounding Therapy Techniques

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A letter to myself.

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#Therapy #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety # Neurodivergent

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Today is one of those days, my girlfriend is also struggling with her mental health. She has hurt me with her words. “You’re so good at giving me support, but today you suck at it.” On a day where I was really struggling with my anxiety and health. Later she said, “your touch disgusts me.” Those words made me ugly cry for the first time since both my grandfather’s passing and my dog’s death. She immediately regretted it and held me, but the damage is already done. Those words keep replaying in my head, and I can’t help but feel a numbness in my chest. I know she says she loves me, but I don’t know what to believe. I try so hard for myself, as far as getting therapy and help, but it just feels like anytime I make a mistake I’m the main focus. Never when I do something good. I’m just so tired and I want my life to be over with. I could decay in my bed for all I care. I’m not living, I’m barely surviving. My chest has been pounding and I have a pit in my stomach. I truly am sorry, but I am misunderstood and it hurts.

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Today, I have felt unconditional support and the embrace of love and compassion from people whom I hold dear to my heart. Therapy has been a tremendous help, and it is both comforting and frightening to discover I am not alone. I have been an emotional wreck the past week, it feels like I have been in survival mode just to make it to my home, and even my home often does not feel like a safe place. My only safe place has been found in the presence of my dearest friends and coworkers. I have had so much fun cackling and discussing ridiculous hypotheticals that I almost forgot the type of person I used to be. Today I met another friend I haven’t seen in forever and after explaining everything she confirmed that everything is gonna be okay. Thank you for that, Anastasiy. You are a kindred spirit and your compassion is infectious. I hope you find your way in life and are able to pursue what truly makes you happy. To my therapy friends, I have been given overwhelming support and advice. I could actually cry tears of joy and I’m the type of person who is so numb to things it is difficult for me to even forcefully cry. It’s like having a bunch of different parents comfort me. The same bond I would have loved to have felt from my parents when I was younger. The stars, my purpose, just everything. We’re all here on a floating rock with dreams and ambition. It’s so surreal and strange how life works. Regardless of the path I take, I will continue to climb. If I ever lose my battle with my mental illness, I do know that I have made an impact on others, and while I was here, I was loved. My younger self did not envision I would make it to my twenties, given all the abuse. I’m going to be 25 a month from now. Here’s to this burning star and his soul searching journey of empowerment, growth and self love. I’m finally not afraid, I’m not running away, I’m facing my problems. I’m pursuing an education and expanding my horizons slowly. I have been given such a late start to life and it’s only beginning. Here’s to all of the burned out kids who never had a fair chance at life and against all odds, have carved a way for themselves. One step at a time, big or small. We will find the means to be at peace. Our souls yearn for growth and burn with passion, in honor of those who have lost their fight, let us live and chase the same dreams they would have wanted.

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They force their religion on people on a regular basis, but when you mention that Jesus believed in helping the poor, they suddenly believe that it shouldn't be forced.