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zibbityzibbs · 4 months ago

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Player, Reset.

I originally posted this on AO3, but decided I’ll do it here too.

Summary: Kang Dae-ho is only a human being. There is only so much someone like him can do. In his last moments, remembering those times of toxic masculinity he dealt with between family and society, he opens his eyes after taking his final breath to realize he is back. Everyone is back, and this might just be his second chance. He can prove his worth and avoid his earlier mistakes. What could go wrong?

Word Count: 12k

Being a real man meant taking the responsibility of everything in your life. There were no sick days, time off, or breaks. If you didn’t stand at the top of the hill, then others definitely saw you as someone at rock bottom. A purpose in a man’s life was to provide, protect, and serve his people. There was never time for activities and hobbies when it came to the constant pressure of meeting the regulations and standards of today’s world. Having something unique about yourself was frowned upon in society. Being special was considered strange; embarrassing. The majority always thought so anyway. So, when years passed and our world truly started to change, people changed along with it. Evolved, if you wanted a fancier word for it. Specialties became normal in a society that was once full of stereotypes. Though, it didn’t stop everyone. Discrimination will always be lurking throughout the streets of what we call home.

Having been the fifth and final child to my family, my parents couldn’t have been happier. I was the boy they had been waiting for.

Four older sisters were a struggle for the most part. If your hair was a bit overgrown, they’d offer to mess around with it until you were stuck playing “hair salon” while they added random clips and such into it all. The hand-me-downs received were mostly the shoes or socks from them since the shirts and pants were too girly to be put on by a boy. Instead of playing any kind of roughhousing with my siblings, tea parties and Gonggi were preferred over the violence of boyish games. Growing up this way may have changed the way I see things. A household like mine didn’t stop me from playing crazy games with friends every now and then, but opened up my perspective to the world. It made me more accepting. Seeing people expressing themselves for who they are made me wish I could reach out and be the same way.

I wish my father would agree with a statement like that.

He was never one for acceptance. Hanging out with my sisters became a distant activity when he’d take me out to enjoy a match of soccer instead of doing my usual routine of “hair salon.” There wasn’t time to grow my hair out when I would get a haircut on the daily. Suddenly, everyday wasn’t a matter of what I truly wanted. It was what he wanted. Of course, it was never terrible. My father only wanted the best for me, and decided I would grow up to fit in if I was around more men. The last thing anybody would want is to disappoint their own parents, right? Growing up was easy if I did everything he wanted. I only hung out with my sisters if it was convenient, or if he was gone. Everyone in the house had a close bond. My sisters and I got along well! Except for when we didn’t. There was always going to be bickering in every sibling relationship. Though, the four of them fought with each other more than with me.

They always had more freedom than me. I thought it would be the other way around, but my father kept a close eye on me. I assumed it was related to making sure I made good decisions and carried on the family name as he wanted me to. My sisters didn’t have to worry about that. I obliged as I did before. I think that was always my weak point. I think he knew that. Changes in my life were made because of him. In my eyes, I don’t think he was processing what the constant changing would do to me. To him, it made me better and stronger. There was no crying, no emotional breakdowns, and never weakness. In a strange way, I aspired to be like him. Not in the aspect of ruining a child’s life like he did mine, but to be strong enough to control himself the way he did.

Now, being lowered into one of those nicely ribboned coffins, I wished to start over; for things to play out differently. If I hadn’t been so scared of death like I had been back then, everything could’ve been different. My father often referred to my harsh time in the marines as a minor inconvenience and that I should suck it up. If only I had listened to those words of advice back then. I wouldn’t be bleeding out in a pitch-black coffin of sorrow. Those few minutes where you see the distant past of your life playing out before that final exhale escapes your lips. It all felt so…surreal. Going back to a time where nothing mattered more than family and those games. The games we’d play as children, never having to worry in the slightest about money or lovers. What mattered was being the best at carving dalgona, never losing in red light, green light. There wasn’t the constant weight on your shoulders about being perfect for the sake of your parents, becoming more of a man just to make your father proud. That was all irrelevant during childhood. I often remember when I would win most Gonggi matches with my sisters. It made me feel superior. That was, until my father berated me for playing a game like Gonggi. It didn’t stop me from playing when he was out of the house, though. My last exhale approached as fast as I expected it to. I wanted to play. Just one more game. I wanted to play one more game of Gonggi with my sisters before I go.

Gonggi…

Gonggi …

“One, two! One, two!”

My eyes opened. They…opened?

The six-legged race. I was back in the six-legged pentathlon. Everyone was walking, and we had crouched in order to let Jung-bae focus on Flying Stone. At first, it was extremely strange. I convinced myself it wasn’t real; that this was what the death experience was for everybody, and I was just living down my regrets, but it wasn’t until we reached my game that the others were pushing me. “Dae-ho, what’s wrong?” I must’ve spaced out, because I was just crouching there, staring at the small table in front of me like it was my first time playing Gonggi. The timer was ticking, and once I realized this wasn’t some death-like dream, I quickly gasped and put my hands up. “Okay, okay!” My hands felt clammy and numb. They were sweating with both fear and anticipation, clenching the beads as I did what I had before. This should be as easy as before. If this was some sort of second chance at my life and debt, I might as well take it right? Throwing them up in the air, grabbing them at a decent pace, but trying to grab them all at once made one of the beads shoot out in front of me. Focus! Anything Jung-bae was saying didn’t catch my attention. I leaned forward and did it again. This time it went well. Mr. Oh messed up like he did before, and everything else went similarly to how it did last time. We made it. At that moment I almost forgot that I had died just a few minutes prior to this timed game.

My eyes finally landed on Jung-bae. Everything was so overwhelming I never got a good look at him. Even if this was some sick joke made by the Devil himself, there was a sense of relief that flooded me when seeing his face. That regretful day where I didn’t get back to the group haunted me. If I had gone back, Jung-bae could’ve lived. We could have won. I blame myself entirely for it. Mr. Seong probably did too. We lost two important players because of my mistake. Hearing those two numbers being eliminated felt worse than hearing those gunshots in the distance. It was…nice to see them again. Games weren’t the same without them. Even Jun-hee and Mr. Seong’s smiles were a sight for me. After I chickened out, it was difficult to look them in the eyes without reminding myself of my foolishness.

“Hey! What’s up with you?” I flinched slightly at the sudden pat given on my shoulder as I looked straight at Jung-bae. “You practiced so well when it wasn’t our turn! Did the pressure get to you?” He laughed deeply and patted my back harshly. It was meek of me, but I simply nodded to go along with his words since I couldn’t find it in me to explain to him my situation. This wasn’t some stupid joke either. I was…in the past. Somehow.

While sitting in our usual spot inside the largely spread-out room, the others chatted about how good we did during the last game. They attempted to have me join the conversation, but right now that was the last thing on my mind. Right now, my thoughts are on the next game. Mingle is after our next voting session. Should I be sharing that with the group? Would it change the way they see me? Mr. Seong is already going through enough. He doesn’t know who to trust, and if I explained I knew what the next game was, would it lead to distrust between us? I didn’t want that. I just got them all back, and I sure don’t plan on losing them either. Still, I didn’t think I should hold back from telling them something important that could save a lot of lives. For the time being, I stayed quiet and didn’t say much to them.

Mr. Seong had come to a conclusion that we should all vote to leave this time, and I nodded in agreement, dismissing the conversation to stare at the money above. The votes were going to be off again like they were before. There were going to be more O’s. Mr. Oh suggested that we don’t go against the voting process and try to convince others and just leave things as they are. Deep down, I wanted to do differently than what he was saying. Before, we kept our mouths shut, and in return the result was horrible. I couldn’t let Mingle happen. I can’t let our rebellion happen again. As much as I hated to admit it, Jung-bae was the father figure I always wanted. He was nothing like mine. It made me envious of his daughter. How stupid of me to say that. Though, there was definitely someone else I wanted to save for the sake of another.

That lonely girl. I had seen her during Red Light, Green Light. Throughout the terror that happened, she was shaking violently. I couldn’t help but feel that same amount of fear, but when Mr. Seong’s voice rang out, I felt like there was a leader among us. Listening to his words, I ended up in front of that same girl and helping her all the way to the end of the game. She was sweet, and I had planned to talk to her since she reminded me of one of my sisters. I ended up with Jung-bae and the others after the pentathlon. It was good to see her get along with others since she was alone prior to the second game.

It definitely hurt to see her lifeless eyes during Mingle. Ms. Cho looked so overwhelmed and guilty after the whole incident; I didn’t know how to help her.

I stood up and walked to the middle of the room. “Everyone!” I shouted aloud, my voice echoing throughout the room. In response, all eyes were on me. I never appreciated the feeling, but for the sake of everyone’s safety it felt necessary. It felt like a presentation in class where no matter where your eyes drifted, they’d always meet with another’s. Whether it was those who judged with a scowl on their face, or those who gave a subtle face of relief knowing that somebody was speaking up for freedom. “For this next vote, please vote to leave!” I shouted, hoping maybe it would convince someone, anyone. Immediately that older man spoke up: the one with the billion won debt. “Not this nonsense again–!” He grunted, standing up from where he was sitting to make a statement of his own. With his finger pointed to the money above, he looked over to those who voted in favor of the games and scoffed. “We have nothing to be afraid of! For all we know, he could just be playing us! Wanting the money to himself!” Sometimes, I really hated that guy. It was like he could sway the greedy crowd with just a few words. With a long sigh, my voice raised so it would drown out that man’s voice. “Hey, none of that is true! Listen! People have died, and more will keep dying if we don’t get out of here now! Isn’t this a good place to stop?” My eyes met with Mr. Seong’s for only a second. He seemed content with what I was trying to say. That was until that old man spoke up again. His hands gripped at my shirt; specifically, the velcro vote that was attached for the time being.

“You voted to continue just like the rest of us! What right do you have to tell us what to do if you let those people die as well?” As much as I hated to admit it, he was right about that. If I didn’t vote in favor of the games for that first vote everyone could’ve gone home. I was ashamed. That one vote would have changed everything. The fate that everyone was meant to live out during these games.

Player 390 eliminated. Player 001 eliminated. I didn’t want to hear those words again.

I could feel someone staring. It felt different from the rest. I turned and made eye contact with Mr. Oh only for a few seconds. I couldn’t understand why, but he had a serious expression on his face; one I hadn’t seen before. It was almost like he wanted me to stop speaking. Another voice chirped in, and I looked over at the man with the crazy purple hair. He gave off a smirk similar to those fuckboy highschoolers who thought they had the right to bully those who seemed any lower than them. He came between the older man and I; his eyes colored a light tint of pink. “These people can do whatever they see fit. There’s no need to interfere with what people vote for.” His hand raised and flapped as if he was shooing me away. “They’re just games, dude.” That line really ticked me off for whatever reason. Pushing him was an option, but before I could do anymore, Mr. Oh called me back. “Dae-ho! Just– just come on back here.” I looked back at him, wanting to shake my head, but I simply nodded in response, sighing and walking away. “Keep him on his leash!” That rapper said aloud to make sure I heard him.

What did he say? Oh hell no.

My body immediately turned around and I charged at him with full force. I wasn’t going to let some random punk talk down to me like that. My father may have been a stereotypical asshole, but I appreciated his fighting lessons. “Su-bong! Look out!” His friend said from afar. He definitely wasn’t prepared for the punch that collided with his face. Immediately, he fell back. I didn’t even let him get back up before I was on top of him. Sitting atop his torso, I clenched my hand and hit him over and over again. Maybe it was his words that pissed me off. It could’ve been his way of talking down on people. Though, the thought of letting everybody down again was a complete nightmare. Getting lowered into that casket knowing I was unable to save people who mattered deeply to me made me yearn to see them alive and well. My unfocused thoughts managed to be my downfall since that rebel was able to land a punch back. I hissed in return and found myself grabbing at his neck. “Fucking–” My face contorted into one of pure anger. I was fed up with this one during the few days we were stuck here. Now that he gave me the opportunity, I wasn’t just going to let it go. “Holy shit! Someone grab him! Grab that psycho!” His longer-haired friend yelped, walking toward us, but with hesitance.

Someone grabbed me and pulled me up. This allowed Thanos to stand up. “Who–!?” I exclaimed, seething with rage. Oh. It was Ms. Cho who grabbed me. I was not a fan of making her angry. From what I saw, she’s a powerhouse. “Tch, dick.” Thanos murmured with a quiet scoff before wiping the blood beginning to trail down his nose. His friend came up to him, walking him back to his bed to where it looks like they started chatting, glancing my way as the rest of their small group came together to check on him. I could already feel the small bruise forming on my cheek. “Sorry,” I began, slowly looking up at the woman in front of me. Her eyes reminded me of lasers. Of course, she was nice, but I never wanted to get on her bad side. “I wasn’t thinking straight.”

She nodded and nudged me just slightly. “It’s fine. Personally, I’d let you keep going, but it would affect how you want people to vote later.” She gave a light smile, patting me on the back and walking back toward her own group. Hopefully this changed something. Stepping foot in front of Mr. Seong, he sighed and pointed to the space before him, indicating for me to sit. “You tried your best.” He said solemnly, Jung-bae flashing me a smile. “You really got that asshole to stay quiet!” His voice was barely above a whisper when he shook my shoulder. In a way, it made me feel proud. I knew it wasn’t the best decision, but it was one nonetheless. I just hoped it would change the favor of the votes, though my outburst just now made me doubt it.

When it was time to vote, we started off with Mr. Oh and his choice to leave. So far, so good. The votes were equal for the most part and the gap wasn’t too big. Maybe there was a chance we could leave. That purple-haired douchebag made sure to flip me off while casting his vote in agreement. I tried not to let it get to me. The remaining people looked to be a majority of X’s. That had to mean they’d vote to go again, right? When it was my turn, it was a quick decision. It didn’t take me long to think at all. My hand pressed down firmly on the red button and the satisfying sound of another vote being added rung throughout the room. My eyes flickered between those who were in agreement of the games, and then those who were desperate to escape from this horrific nightmare. Walking to find a spot in the crowd, my body froze suddenly hearing the O button being pressed. My head whipped around, and I had just remembered Jung-bae voted in favor the last time this happened. How could I forget to convince him of all people? Now that Thanos idiot and his friend were making silly faces at me. I hated when people mocked me. It was even worse knowing that earlier on, Ms. Cho and that sweet old lady’s son had also voted to continue. My stomach was knotting. This whole thing made me feel ill. I wasn’t in the right mind space to do this next game. Eventually, voting finished up, and the result was 121 people who wanted to leave, and 134 people who wanted to stay. I was aware that it was better than the last vote, but it wasn’t enough for everyone to leave.

Having to drag Jung-bae back to us over his small “betrayal” was something that put a smile back on my face. The silence between the group definitely grew, and it stayed that way until I really had to go to the bathroom. The stress could probably wait.

Sometimes, I forget that letting your stress out during your time in the restroom really works. It only takes a few deep breaths, unless someone manages to stink up the place, but you didn’t hear it from me. I was lathering my hands in soap, ready to brainstorm for this next game when I noticed something on the ground. It looked like the cross necklace that belonged to that rapper. After washing up, I slowly reached down to grab it. Taking a closer look, it appeared as some sort of locket; something that could be opened. I fussed with it, attempting to take a peek when the door swung open, and his friend walked in. What was it again? I heard that Thanos guy say his name before. Oh, right. Nam-su. I couldn’t even get a chance to hide the cross before he was trying to snatch it out of my hand. “Hey, dipshit. You know that’s Thanos’ cross–! Just give it to me before he comes in here himself!” He grunted, struggling to take it out of my hands. With reluctance, I let go of it and allowed Nam-su to fall backwards onto his bottom. It was amusing for the first few seconds, but his groaning made my mood sour again. So much for relaxation in the restroom. “What’s so important about it anyway?” I sighed and noticed my hands gave off a metallic smell I disliked. So the damn thing wasn’t even real silver. Yuck. “Are you and Thanos hiding something, Nam-su?” Actually, I never interacted with these two in the past. Whatever happened between us was completely new. All I remembered from back then was their extreme distaste for that one player. 333. Him and Jun-hee knew each other. She didn’t like him either. I think that was about it.

Though, whatever I just said seemed to tick off the guy since he stood up and straightened his tracksuit. “My name is Nam-gyu. Su-bong has never really gotten my name right. He probably just has me mixed up with Min-su.” His gaze was more directed at the ground than me. It was enough to make me feel a bit bad, but I told myself not to. “Anyways, there’s nothing to hide. We all got stripped of whatever was on us when we entered this place. If you’re planning to beat me up like you did to Su-bong, I’m ready–” I had no time for this. I cut him off when attempting to put my hand over his mouth, but he just slapped it away. His look when he stared at me was questionable, but at this point, I wasn’t trying to be as kind. I just needed him to stop talking. “Tsk, what the hell are you doing?” A small chuckle escaped his lips and the action caused his posture to relax a little. “I’m trying to get you to quiet down. Coming into the bathroom is my relaxation time.” Looking around now, there wasn’t anyone in here except for the two of us. “I would’ve returned the cross anyway. I don’t enjoy offending peoples’ religion.” Nam-gyu sighed at my response and just eyed the cross with responsibility, but when he took his hand off the base to try and put it on, I guess I must’ve popped it open earlier since every pill in that compartment clattered across the tile floor.

My own eyes widened at the revelation. It was a bit hilarious too. You’d never think there would be such a secret in an innocent cross like that. “Nothing to hide, huh?” I made a sour expression and noticed how Nam-gyu quickly scrambled to grab at the drugs on the ground. “Fuck–! Just– pretend you didn’t see this shit.” He grumbled, making sure he didn’t miss anything before clasping the thing shut and putting it around his neck. “We all have things to hide, okay? It’s whatever.” I could understand what he was trying to say. What I was hiding must've been something completely different, though. “I’m going back out. Enjoy your…relaxation time.” He scoffed rather softly and fidgeted with the cross. “Wait.” I reached out and grabbed onto his sleeve. Why did I decide to do that? I wanted to get the opinion of one of those O’s without any interruptions.

“What?” He moved his arm away from me, one of his hands reaching at his lip to pick at it. “Did you want one? They’re reserved for Su-bong and I only.” He laughed, his sweater sleeves overlapping on his hands. Sweater paws. His cocky attitude wasn’t as bad as his friend’s, so I figured I’d just go for it.

“Why do you vote to continue?” Of course, I wasn’t expecting a real answer. My gut was telling me to just pass it off as a joke before this guy just made fun of me and said something like it was all about money, though, that isn’t what happened at all. “I’m in huge debt; pretty sure we all are.” His frustration managed to leak through his stuck-up tone. “The reason Su-bong and I are always on 333’s ass is because he’s the one who got us here in the first place. I don’t want to get too into detail or your friend might come looking for us again.” I almost forgot about how Mr. Oh dealt with them last time. Then, I started to realize how much he was opening up to me, which was strange. Why would you open up to someone on the opposite side? “He’s nothing but trouble, and if I could get my hands on him, I swear it’d be over right then and there. Never associate yourself with him under any circumstances or you’ll probably find yourself deeper in debt–” I think he noticed. He went quiet suddenly and pursed his lips, facepalming and turning his head to look anywhere but forward. “I do it because of my debt. There’s not much for me out there, so what would leaving do? There would be no purpose in it. And before you say anything about saving the lives of other people, I couldn’t care less about them. Call me selfish or whatever, but if I get enough money, maybe there would be a bigger reason to go out and live.” Maybe it was silly, but I got the message he was trying to give me. Some people had their reasons. If anything, what I was doing myself was selfish. Having everyone leave and go home so I could save the ones I care for, it would damage their lives. They’d still have debt to pay, more to do, families to overlook and protect. The most I could do was nod. The votes had already been set, and the next game was coming. I just had to hold out too.

Besides, if everyone here got to act selfish, why can’t I?

My response was just to nod. I obviously understood what he was explaining to me. A heavy breath escaped from me and there was a war in my head the second I started walking out of the restroom. I squeezed my eyes shut quickly and just spit it out. “The next game is Mingle.” It was quick, and I hoped it was a good decision to make by telling Nam-gyu. He looked confused, but he’d probably get it later. “The one where we form groups–? Quit lying to me, man.” No response from me. I didn’t know him that well last time, but hopefully this could make changes later.

As soon as I opened the door, a curious Thanos approached. His face scrunched up in disgust when seeing me, and he only bumped shoulders walking into the restroom. “What took so long?” He arched his eyebrow and Nam-gyu shrugged. “I couldn’t find it until just now.” He lifted up the cross and I sighed in relief before going back to my group.

It was officially time for Mingle. Everyone who entered the room looked around with hesitance. They were unsure if this would be their last game or if they’d move on. It’s always difficult to tell here. I eyed the rooms and walked toward the platform. I don’t remember which numbers we were supposed to group into. For the most part, I did recall that we stayed close to Ms. Cho’s group. The rules were being explained on the intercom, but I wasn’t listening. At the moment I was focused on how I could make this work without anyone dying. This was mostly directed toward that girl in Ms. Cho’s group. Her death was harsh, and I didn’t want it to happen again. When the intercom shut off, I was caught off guard by the movement of the carousel everyone was on, and jolted to the left a bit.

The song was ringing in my head like a broken record. If this whole thing didn’t involve dying then maybe I’d enjoy it. It was a catchy tune after all. My body swayed back to the right abruptly when the music stopped. “Ten.” The intercom called out, and people began to rush into groups with swiftness. My head started spinning. The game barely started and I was already struggling to make decisions. Instinctively, I yelled aloud while holding onto Jun-hee’s arm. “Five! We need five others!” Ms. Cho and her group instantly noticed and came running over to make a group of nine. I pointed at the shaman lady who joined us last time and the man with glasses had gone over to grab her. Luckily, we managed to get into a room. It felt faster this time too. Maybe it was the adrenaline kicking in. Stepping out, I sighed with relief, walking over to the platform once more, but from afar, I made eye contact with Nam-gyu from earlier. He seemed to narrow his eyes at me, but not with any hatred. It must’ve been because I told him; because I knew the game would be Mingle. There wasn’t any time to make conversation, though. The platform circled again, and the music played throughout the room. When it paused once more, the voice said “Four.” Panic settled into the crowd again, and I looked at our group. “You three go on ahead. I’ll find a group,” Mr. Oh said hastily. I didn’t get to protest as he walked off holding up his fingers to announce he needs three people. We all ended up in a room, and Mr. Seong looked around outside before we had to shut the door. Originally, I would’ve asked if he made it, but he did last time, so it was best for me to believe he’d be okay.

And that he was. He came out with a smile and relief washed across my face. So far, everything was going so well. I felt prepared for the next round. “You’re okay!” Jung-bae called out and patted Mr. Oh on the back. “I’m glad you’re okay.” Mr. Seong smiled at him and they chatted while I checked on Jun-hee. The next round made us cluster in groups of three. I ended up in a room with Jung-bae and Jun-hee, glancing outside and shutting the door when seeing random men and women come running to get in a room. They banged on the door and I squeezed my eyes shut when having to hear those harsh screams and the gunshots right outside of this small, claustrophobic room. Coming back out, I whipped my head around to check on everyone’s safety. Okay, good again. The rounds were going as they did before. This was good.

This was the one I was worried about. As the carousel went round, I couldn’t stop staring at that girl. I think I caught her name from Ms. Cho earlier. Kim Young-mi. Last time she died during this round. She just couldn’t make it in time and someone else entered. The platform stopped and I snapped back to reality. I was too busy thinking that everyone was already deciding who would go with who. They were discussing who would join Ms. Cho’s group. “I’ll go.” I sputtered out quickly. Things were going to go differently this time. My eyes were glued on the timer, and as we ran, I noticed Young-mi running behind like she was before. That must’ve been why I missed it last time. I grabbed her arm firmly and kept running. The room Ms. Cho opened was occupied. “You gotta run faster!” I tried to yell over all the screaming; my volume high enough to reach her ears. She did the best she could, but I was so busy watching her, I forgot about the people who knocked her over in the first place. We both yelped out upon falling to the ground and I gasped, standing up. I looked at Young-mi, and she was slowly getting up. The room was nearby. “Young-mi! Dae-ho!!” My eyes darted upward. Six seconds. That was enough time. I grunted and stepped toward her, just to feel someone pull me back toward the room. “Hey!” I hissed, shock settling into my body when I was thrown into the room with everyone else and looked up to see him. Jun-hee’s ex-boyfriend. I didn’t know him all too well before, but I knew Jun-hee and him had it complicated. Goosebumps ran through my body. No, no, no. She didn’t make it. I stood up; the remaining adrenaline pumping through my body made me yell. “I was going to grab her!!” My expression was radiating pure anger. I was desperate to change things, to make them better, and nothing I did mattered. At this point I found it better to spill my situation to everyone here then keep dealing with it alone. I bit my lip and turned my head to see Young-mi staring through the small opening in the door. Her voice was soft, but broken, and kept cracking each time she called out to Ms. Cho with those glossy, torn eyes of hers. My blood was boiling. I couldn’t even bear to watch as a singular gunshot rang out, and her voice stopped pleading. There was just silence, and then a thud.

Everything was repeating. Ms. Cho slammed the guy into the wall. He protested against her words, and Jun-hee agreed to either protect him or say what was right. However, I couldn’t respond. There were six seconds. If he hadn’t interfered, maybe things would be different. My hands clenched into fists and the moment it was time to head back, I stormed over to the platform and stood there to wait. I was going to grab Mr. Seong like before, get in a damn room, and wait for this game to be over. Eyes stayed closed, and I only focused on the song ringing in my ears. I didn’t want to bother listening since I was very well aware of what was going to happen. A small tap on my shoulder brought me back to reality, and I glanced back to see Nam-gyu. His two buddies were nearby, Thanos obviously giving the glare as Nam-gyu whispered to me. “How’d you know?” I didn’t answer right away. The answer was ridiculous to say out loud. I needed to focus on the music right now. I’m not taking any more risks. “Just hold onto your purple-haired jerk and run to a room when the music stops.” I stammered out, still queasy from the last round. He looked at me with an arched eyebrow, but scoffed. “Can’t you just answer my question–” The platform paused, and I pushed him firmly to Thanos and began to run toward Mr. Seong when the intercom announced two players in each room. I could see Nam-gyu taking a quick look at me with more curiosity than before, and then being dragged away by Thanos to find a room, leaving the other boy behind. I practically snatched Mr. Seong and started moving to any room that was available. When we were in, I was completely out of breath. The whole world was spinning and I slid down onto the cold floor. This one was clean. Nobody had to suffer the same fate as Young-mi in this room. I bit my lip and looked up at Mr. Seong. “You okay?” He asked me, panting from the rush of energy that coursed through us both at this moment. I nodded. It wasn’t much of an answer, but I was beat. Things were supposed to be different. I’ve said it one too many times, but it was because of disappointment. Was I not meant to save her; anybody? Was this just going to be a repeat of before? Why bring me back here?

Entering the huge room again made me feel sick. I just needed to lay down and think about how this next vote could change. No. I needed to pray that something would change. The vote was a complete tie last time, and what I needed was one of those O’s to change their vote. Someone bumped me, and I stared upward to meet eyes with Nam-gyu again. This was strange. I didn’t remember being this familiar with him in that so-called past life of mine. He held up a hand to point toward a secluded area in all the beds. I immediately shook my head and he rolled his eyes. He also tried mouthing some words to me, but I’m not an expert in reading lips. Though, I did catch the word “later,” only because he said it very slowly.

Sitting with the others was unsettling. Seeing that same look on Ms. Cho’s face hurt me more in a way. I could’ve done something this time. I knew she was going to die and I still failed. My hands gripped the bedsheets of the mattress I sat on, letting them work up a cold sweat. The anxiety was getting to me. Closing my eyes worked for a while, until the large piggy bank came out from the ceiling and money was dropping into the opening. So much money. We went from 255 to 100. We lost 155 people. Unbelievable. I went from grabbing at the bed to doing it to my own hair. It pissed me off. Absolutely everything was pissing me off right now. “388!” Then, my gaze was directed to the side. This guy really wasn’t going to leave me alone was he? With a small grumble, I stood up and walked down the aisle of beds to get to him. He gave off a genuine smile, but it would seem more like a sneer if you were meeting him for the first time. “Can’t even bother to learn my name, and then you call me over like a puppy.” I scoffed, my solemnity slipping through. He must’ve noticed, because his expression sank and he did that action where he glances away to avoid eye contact. “I forgot to ask for it.” His constant darting of the eyes just made it awkward. Especially seeing they were a light shade of pink. Was this normal for people who indulge drugs? Maybe that was a question for later. “Sorry.” He managed to spit out, scratching the nape of his neck and staring at my clothing like it was going to tell him my name.

“Kang Dae-ho. That’s my name.” Honestly, for the first time in a while I cracked a tiny smile on my face. It felt nice to speak to someone new. I hadn’t acquainted myself with Nam-gyu last time. Whatever I was learning now was completely new to me. “Dae-ho. Or should I call you Mr. Kang?” He chuckled into those sweater paws he usually makes. I just glared at him and crossed my arms. “I’m not that old.” My hand went up and I flicked him on the forehead. In response, he smiled and patted my shoulder. “Dae-ho. I like the name.” The sudden silence in the air just made him speak up again. “So, can I ask how you knew the game would be Mingle?” A long groan escaped from my lips. There wasn’t a specific answer that came to mind when he said this. It wasn’t something I initially planned on sharing with anyone either. He wouldn’t quit his persistence, though. “Is one of those scary guards telling you all these secrets? Come on! Let me in on it! I won’t tell anyone!” His grin was so cunning it made me think he could probably be worse than Thanos. Plus, his constant nagging was beginning to get to me. Maybe it was bound to come out at some point. I should just spill everything at this point. If he believed me, that’d be great. And if he didn’t…I’d be a laughing stock. “Okay, fine– fine!” I gave him a light slap on the wrist and pouted my lips in frustration. “Somehow, I like– died, then came back to life! Like a second chance! I lost in one of the games, and I was dead, and then my eyes opened and suddenly I was back at that pentathlon! It was super crazy and I’ve been hiding it from everyone, and I guess I’m getting so desperate I’m telling you so–” Nam-gyu’s eyes were the size of saucers. Whatever he thought I was hiding; this must’ve been much more idiotic. With a grunt, I opened my mouth to speak, but I heard my name being called in the distance. “Dae-ho!” It was time to go back to our ‘sides.’

Unfortunately, I didn’t give Nam-gyu the chance to say anything since I was already on my way back to the group of X’s that had become close-knit. The two sides of X and O had become distant just like they had before. At this point, there was no trying to get the two sides to get along. Jung-bae, Mr. Seong, and the others were very focused on trying to get the next votes to be in their favor, and I wasn’t paying much attention after I told them the number of people who had voted X and O in the last round. They’d figure things out just fine without me. I was extremely worried about Mr. Seong’s plan. Maybe I could stop the rebellion from happening. I’d rather that than have all those poor people die. Everything went so wrong. I can’t go through it again. This whole situation of mine made me recall my childhood. Somehow, all this reminded me of my common mistakes.

It brings me back to the beginning of this. My lack of bravery and masculinity. At some point during my primary school years, my father had asked me to go out and be with my friends more. This was his way of telling me to stop hanging around my sisters so much and to try and reach out to that masculine side of me. The friends I did make were kind, though they were definitely different from me; I could tell that much. At the time, I was too happy that my father was even letting me go out and play in the first place. It wasn’t until I had to ask the rules of squid game that I realized how much I didn’t fit in. Of course, they explained and all was well, but there was another thing I realized: I wasn’t one for this concept of violence. It appeared I didn’t like violence in general. When I got thrown to the ground and started tearing at the eyes, the other boys insisted it was just a game and that I was overreacting. I went home and showed my mom the scrapes, asking for help, but my father said there was no need for her to bandage me since it was just a few small cuts. It was his way of telling me to suck it up. No wonder he pushed me to enlist in the marines. I sure was a lost cause that needed to toughen up.

Toughen up. That’s what I needed to do in this situation. My cowardice was what led up to Jung-bae’s death last time. There were going to be some changes in me, even if I had to push it just as I did before. I’m a marine. I can do it. There’s nothing a marine can’t do…right? I just didn’t want Mr. Seong to go through with his plan. If I kept them from going through with it, nobody would die. We could try and fight them during the night like Mr. Oh had said before. Anything but the rebellion.

The voting process wasn’t as nerve wracking. I was aware of what was going to happen. Each loud buzz that echoed through the room still happened to give me chills. Maybe it was because I knew what came next. I shut my eyes and tried not to think about it, but when they squeezed shut I imagined the lifeless bodies of those who could’ve lived if I didn’t go back on my word. How could I let a few gunshots scare me? “388! You’re up!” Somebody grumbled behind me and shoved me forward. I gasped sharply and glanced up. Nothing was helping my thought process clear up. If I could be allowed one small break to catch a breather, it’d be nice. The number of people behind me yelling to pick up the pace almost made me pop a vein. I already knew how this voting session was going to go, so why was I still hoping for a change? “Come on!” A shout erupted from the crowd, and I snapped my head in their direction. “Give me a minute!!” I clenched my teeth and hesitantly looked down at the buttons. Changing my vote would lose their trust this far into the games.With seething breaths, I rammed my hand onto the X button and turned away. This close to the rebellion, and it was like my thoughts were churning into one big disaster. No matter what I tried, nothing worked. The Gods above must’ve been against me somehow. Maybe they’re just as evil as those who created these sickening games.

“124.” The intercom called out and suddenly my focus came back. That was Nam-gyu’s number, right?

Oh, he didn’t look too good. His expression showed signs of stress. I don’t remember any of this from the voting session last time. It was even more surprising when we made eye contact. I cocked my head to the side and stared back long enough for him to sigh with closed eyes. He glanced in Thanos’ direction as well. His friend just gave him a thumbs up and with that final verdict, he looked down, and the O’s gained another vote. He took longer than I did. His small action made me wonder what was going on in that head of his. Though, it wasn’t too important since we still got our split 50/50 vote. After a few minutes, I started to tune everyone out since I was getting exhausted of 100’s voice; especially knowing the riot is going to happen tonight. What was important right now was to try and stop the fight that happened in the bathroom. We were handed our food, and I stared at the fork inside my wrap. The sight of the sharp ends gave me chills. “Jun-hee,” I muttered, looking over at her beside me. She glanced up at me and cocked her head to the side. “Yes?” She started, pausing her sentence when I held out my food. “You can have mine. I’m not hungry.” I huffed, handing her the foiled delicacy. She seemed confused about my actions since I’m usually the one asking for food and not giving it out. I let out a breathy laugh and nudged it toward her. “Really, I’m good. You need it for the baby anyway.” I reassured her. After that, she seemed happy to take it. I wasn’t experienced when it came to pregnant women, but I hoped it would help her hearty appetite. I scanned the room and took notice of the few players that weren’t around the room. Nam-gyu and Thanos weren’t around. Oh. This can’t be good. Did they start already? I panicked and whipped my head around a few times until I saw Jun-hee’s ex-boyfriend walking to the restroom. Was he part of the fight? I don’t remember. Should I go after him? I shook my head and stood up. “I…have to go to the restroom.” I bowed my head a little and the others nodded; slightly puzzled on why I blurted it out instead of just walking off.

The guards had been a pain. For some reason, it seemed like they didn’t want anybody else entering. “I could get a bladder infection if you have me hold it!” I pleaded skillfully to them. If there was one perk to having strict parents, it made you an excellent liar. “You didn’t let me go during the night, so you could at least allow me to go now!” I pouted and complained enough for them to look at each other and nod. Passing them, a smug expression appeared on my face, and I simply froze at the way Thanos called out loudly to those who voted O. When I got inside the bathroom that smaller guy who hung around with Nam-gyu and Thanos bumped into me while sprinting out. When I looked upward, the two teams were already on both sides of the bathroom. He seemed to be talking about Jun-hee, but I wasn’t too focused on that. “Hey!” I shouted, getting everyone in the room to look over at me. Everyone except 333. Whatever in the hell Thanos just whispered to him, he was not happy about it at all. He threw a punch that landed on Thanos. Of course, the response to this is to fight back. My hand clenched. “Damnit, stop it!” Why couldn’t I stop things? Was this really just a way for me to be punished? Am I just forced to watch this?! The result of that punch sent everyone into a frenzy. Again, I panicked and ran over to some of the people fighting. Attempting to get one of the O’s off an X was a horrible idea as well. One of the others ambushed me and I fell to the ground. I hissed and grunted when the O began to throw punch after punch at my face. The second I managed to hit the guy back, I stood up and stumbled backward onto one of the closed stall doors. I lifted a hand to prepare for any incoming attack, and I watched the O charge at me when he paused and his eyes rolled back. My eyes widened and stared down at the man. When they darted back up, I eyed Nam-gyu. ”Oops,wrong side.” He gave off a small laugh before getting tackled by another X. Quick! I let in a sharp breath, pulling the X off of him and shaking my head at Nam-gyu. The man I was currently holding snarled, squirming and insisting I was taking the O’s side. The audacity made me roll my eyes. “I’m trying to stop all of you–” He cut me off by stepping on my toe. “They started it!” I groan at the sudden pain on my foot and watch as he lunges at Nam-gyu again. Then my eyes come across the body of Thanos. In a state of panic, Nam-gyu noticed the fork in his friend’s neck and snatched it; blood spurted out of the wound and in response I gagged. It was worse to see that same fork be stabbed into another player. The horror in my eyes made me shut them. I hoped shutting them would help at least a little bit.

When they opened, I noticed how things died down. All the players had run out to ask for help from their separate sides. The only other aliveperson with me inside looked to be Nam-gyu. His eyes were dead set on Thanos’ lifeless body in front of him. He lowered his hand and hesitantly reached out, only struggling to do much with someone watching. He narrowed his eyes and grabbed the cross around his friend’s neck. “Jerk didn’t care about me.” He stood tall and stared down at Thanos. Maybe he didn’t know his own eyes were beginning to gloss. The denial in those words he spat out. He obviously didn’t mean any of it. He was by his side throughout all of the games so I know it was a huge lie. Nam-gyu bit his lip and stared down at the cross locket.

“...Did you know?” He glanced at me. That wasn’t what I expected at all. “What?” Nam-gyu furrowed his eyebrows and stared up directly at me; and he wasn’t too keen on making eye contact. “I said– did you know about Thanos dying? You didn’t look surprised.” He gripped the fork in his hand. There wasn’t anything coming to mind. What was I supposed to tell him? I already spilled everything.

He scoffed, a smile of utter disbelief washing over his face. “No fucking way. You weren’t lying?” His feet tapped silently along the tile as he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt. The only good thing about this was that there was no fork pointed at me. “You didn’t know. There’s– there is no way of you knowing about that. There isn’t…” He started to mutter to himself. Then again, I wouldn’t want to piss off the man with the weapon in his possession. He stared downward before dragging me into one of the stalls, locking it and pinning me. I raised my hands up, flinching at the sight of the fork with blood drenching it. When in panic, I do tend to blurt out things. “W–Why do you think I came in to get you all to stop?” I tried to reason, and Nam-gyu softened only a bit at the flinching and jumbled words coming from me. He grumbled and stuffed the fork back in his pocket. “If you knew, why didn’t you stop him from dying?” Now this…I couldn’t take him seriously. I simply stared at him blankly and hoped he’d take a guess. It was extremely chaotic, and I was busy trying to get people off each other. Maybe if 333 hadn’t thrown that punch.

Though, I can’t just go around pushing the blame. He was only defending himself. Thanos had been tormenting him long enough. Nam-gyu huffed, biting his lip and looking down. “Right.” He murmured, picking at the locket until he found the courage to open it and take out two of the colorful pills. “One for him, and one for me.” He grumbled, holding them up only for me to smack them out his hand. “Hey!! What the fuck—” I could have my eyes roll back into my skull at this point. “Drugs are bad for you.” Crossing my arms felt like such a motherly thing to do. It felt like I was lecturing a child. But, that is how he and Thanos had been acting up until now. Nam-gyu was about to speak up again when more footsteps entered the room. It sounded like the guards were cleaning up the “mess.” In the process, they did find us in the stall. I wanted to hope they didn’t get the wrong idea. Apparently, they found 333 in one of the stalls too. The eye contact was awkward, and I knew he definitely heard most of what we were saying. Nam-gyu’s countenance showed pure rage, though. I think he wanted to killhim right then and there.

It felt like a long walk back. Coming back from the restroom, all the players who were in there at the time of the fight were lashing out at each other, pinning the blame on one another to avoid being at fault. Nam-gyu passed along behind the O’s that were yelling, not bothering to be part of all the drama. I did the same, avoiding it completely and sitting with the group. Right now it might’ve been better if I had died in that damn bathroom with Thanos and the others. My options were running low. This close to the rebellion, my other choice was to try and get Mr. Seong not to go through with his idea, but I doubt that can be changed after all my attempts to try and switch things up. Had I been too soft? Thinking back on it now, maybe violence was the right way to go. Things could’ve been resolved with violence. I could’ve killed 333 or Thanos with my bare hands and that fight would’ve never broken out in the first place.

But that wasn’t me. That wasn’t the Kang Dae-ho I knew. That was the Dae-ho my father wanted me to be. Obviously, I hadn’t turned out that way. Now, I wasn’t sure if that was for the best.

Team X had only lost two people. I was aware of this already. Mr. Seong had everyone gather around deep in the beds to discuss. When Mr. Oh brought up the idea of ambushing Team O first, I agreed with him. It was a rushed answer, but I needed to do this one last time. Ideas, ideas…I needed something, anything! Mr. Seong always had such high morals. I assumed this came from his knowledge of being in these gruesome games before, but as much as I looked up to him, this was just one of those times where I had to stand against him. Before he could continue his huge plan I cut him off, putting my foot down. “So we are just going to let all those people die? For the sake of your plan?” It didn’t sound like me. It wasn’t me. It was a desperate attempt at turning things around. He gave me a look of surprise. Hesitantly, he nodded. “It’s not right. I thought you wanted to save everyone. Shouldn’t it include those who have been dying to go home this whole time?” I knew it wasn’t right even before. This time, I just had the courage to let out my proper opinion on the matter because I knew how this was going to go. Those people’s lives were going to be sacrificed in vain. “If it means saving everyone else, we have to do it. We’ll take their guns and fight back.” I stood up and raised my voice.

“What if your plan fails? The people who go with you, they’d be risking their lives too! Are you going to risk the lives of almost everyone on the damn X Team for some plan that might not work?” My breathing was heavier. Desperation was a scary thing. “Then you don’t have to go. You can fight alongside the X’s at night. You don’t have to come with the rest of us.” His words made my gut wrench. Nothing goes my way. They brought me back here just to piss me off. I was convinced that’s what this was. I banged my fist against one of the bed railings and snapped my gaze in the direction of the others. “You’re all going to just let this happen?” Of course they were. They did last time. Ms. Cho spoke up, her voice softer than usual. It was a poor try at getting me to simmer down. “You were a marine, weren’t you Dae-ho? Sometimes these things come at a price. You have to understand, right?” Her words only gave me a reason to get angrier. “No, I don’t. When we are sent out, we bring it upon ourselves. We decide to go out and make those sacrifices. These people have wanted to go home since the beginning of this madness!” I made various movements with my hands to express the emotions I was dying to unleash. “Dae—” My eyes glossed. No, no. I can’t look weak right now. This was an argument I had to win. It wasn’t fair. “I— c–came back from the dead or whatever! I know this will go! The plan is going to fail! I had to have come back for a reason! I’m trying to save you all from getting killed!” My arms flailed around and they looked at me as if I’d gone mad. I hated that look.

Then came the silence. That overwhelming silence that could make anybody die of embarrassment. My first thought was to continue with my explanation. “I…died…and came back. It’s complicated. Please, I– know it’s hard to believe but–” One of the other X’s arched an eyebrow and started waving his hands around as well. “Are you out of your damn mind!? Is this just your way of justifying what your O friend did in the bathroom earlier!?” He picked himself up and walked closer to me. “Don’t think we didn’t see you two helping each other out during the fight! You just want to make sure those O’s have their way with us!” The others looked shocked to hear about the information, and I hissed in anger since that wasn’t what was going on at all. “I was trying to help bothteams stop fighting! You aren’t listening to what I’m trying to say-” Mr. Oh silenced us with his words. “That you…died and suddenly came back like Death himself gave you some second chance? Dae-ho, as much as you are my friend..I find that hard to believe.” This was a mistake. What in the world was I thinking trying to blurt that out in a last attempt to get them to stop? Player 47 spoke up again. “Your O friend; he was buddies with that druggie rapper, right? Are you both affiliated with drugs too? Did you take something!? How can you tell us this bullshit story and expect us to believe it!?” Any more of this and I might pop a vein. Jung-bae must’ve noticed my hands clenching into fists because he quickly let out a breathy laugh and put his hands up to stop the anger boiling between the other man and I. “Come on! The both of you, quit it! We’re supposed to be against the O’s, not each other.” He sighed and Mr. Seong nodded along with him.

Jung-bae then turned in my direction with concern. “Gi-hun meant what he said. You don’t have to go, okay?”

Are you fucking kidding me right now?

A scoff came from me. I couldn’t even crack a smile of denial on my face. Nobody believed shit coming out of my mouth. “Not even you believe me..?” I muttered quietly, looking down at the ground. It was at the moment I realized how beneath everybody I really was. It frustrates me so much I could scream. Mr. Seong continued talking and I could feel something bubbling. I walked away. Listening to them agree and go along with it hurts. It hurt so badly that nobody was considering what I said. 20 minutes before lights out became 5 minutes. This was happening too fast. If there was a time-out option I’d take it. My brain wasn’t going fast enough to think about the riot that would happen during lights out. I stared at the bed I was going to hide under. It was away from Mr. Seong and everyone else. I looked across the room and saw that idiot take two pills. Didn’t I say not to take those? I wondered what was going through his head. At least he knew I wasn’t lying. Jerk. If he chose X we wouldn’t be in this situation.

I really needed to stop blaming others for this.

When I slid under the bed without any suspicion, I watched everything go dark. It was hard to see, but I could see Nam-gyu walking toward the other side with that bloodied fork in his hand. Was this what substances did to you? A mix of that and some pent up rage is a recipe for disaster all right. Within a matter of seconds there was screaming and yelling echoing off the walls. It was horrid. I covered my ears instantly. Hearing those noises only brought up bad memories, and that was the last thing I needed at this time. Thankfully, it was over after a while, and those who were attacking stopped in their tracks. The guards ended the chaos and inspected the “dead” bodies in the back of the room. Everything went how it had before. It all went according to Mr. Seong’s plan. The guns were in their possession. They thought they were winning like I had before. They rallied up a few people, but more were needed. I know how bad I made myself look before, but if there truly wasn’t anything I could do…I at least wanted to fight alongside them once more. Reluctantly, I raised my hand and picked up one of those guns. “I’ll go.” I stood a bit off to the side from the rest, but they knew I had good intentions.

Ms. Cho took the small amount of time we had to introduce us to the gun, explaining how to fire, reload, and use the safety. It was a quick introduction, but with the time we have, there wasn’t much time to give a full lesson. We began walking and I could feel my stomach cramming. Dread was filling my body and my hands were already shaking. Ms. Cho walked beside me, cracking a tiny smile of reassurance and nudging my arm while we strutted up the stairways. “I’m glad you came.” She nodded, taking out the cameras that were being used to watch us one by one. My nerves wouldn’t calm themselves. For some reason, it felt worse dealing with the rebellion this time rather than the first. Perhaps it was because I knew of what was to come soon. It wasn’t long at all until those pink soldiers attacked with guns of their own. The loud gunshots that echoed throughout the large space caused me to flinch. The pressure was too much. I winced and stared at the weapon in my hands. Do something!My hands were sweaty again. They felt sweaty, gross, and disgusting. They wouldn’t stop shaking and it made me mad. I was mad. My body refused to push itself and it frustrated me! With a finger on the trigger I peeked behind the wall and just let the gunshots fly. It was idiotic of me; of course, but it was better than nothing I figured. I did get scolded by Gyeong-seok not to use my ammo in such an unruly manner. It was just difficult. I watched the others shoot with such ease and I couldn’t help but wonder how they could toughen up like this. I seriously needed to push myself too.

Courage was a hard trait to come by. It was safe to say I never had the attribute in the first place. Mr. Seong called Jung-bae over to take with him upstairs, and a look of terror adorned my face. This was the last time I saw him before…

Focus! This was no time to think about that past when finding yourself in a new present. Those two scurried away to reach the control room whilst the rest of us stayed down here. After forcing myself through this war between green and pink before, I felt a sense of hardening. It was important to me that I at least put up some fight against these soldiers. This deep into the battle it was all or nothing. Just like it had been in the marines. All my life I had to battle the toxic masculinity of those around me. Things are different now. Things will staydifferent now. My constant flinching and jolts of panic didn’t matter anymore. I don’t care any longer about how much less of a man I feel. I’m out here instead of those still inside the player room back there. I’m at least trying to make a difference. Maybe that’s the fact I should’ve focused on all along. If I hadn’t suffered the pressure of falling under the standards of this world I would've turned out a different man. I would’ve been more confident. My mind had been so closed off I didn’t notice Mr. Oh asking for two more people to help him to the control room to assist Mr. Seong and Jung-bae.

The reason I hadn’t gone before was because I knew I’d only hold them back from the goal of reaching the control room with how scared I was. I turned to Mr. Oh and spoke up. “M–Me. I’ll go with you.” I paused between my words, but I was just nervous. Unfortunately, the second person to come with us was Player 47. Can’t say I’m too fond of the guy. That wasn’t what mattered right now, though. We just needed to get to Mr. Seong and Jung-bae. Things were going our way, and it wasn’t long before we reached the two of them. Our plan was to get the guards from behind and hopefully make our way into the control room. I felt adrenaline rushing through my veins. I was here now; further in the battle than before. I successfully managed to push myself further than before. I believed I could do this when I walked these halls with this gun.

But remember; beliefs are one thing, reality is another.

Two gunshots travelled through the hallway, but they weren’t directed at the pink guards. It was only two seconds. Pain immediately surged in my body and I stumbled forward. Looking down, a gunshot wound gushed in my stomach area. The world was spinning, and I fell with my face squished against the cold floor. The only aching that bothered me was the constant throbbing in my stomach. It hurt so much. I needed help. Before I could even bother to move a muscle, I hear Mr. Oh’s voice. He’s..saying something to Mr. Seong. I can’t focus on his words. Then, another gunshot. From the corner of my eye I see him stand up. He changes the radio channel and says to begin wrapping things up to whoever is on the other side. I didn’t want to believe this. Mr. Oh was…against us? He just shot me like an animal. Questions flooded in my head until I noticed he was gone. Where did he go?

Eventually, I got the strength to move despite my pain. A weak groan escaped from my lips and I bit down on them in return. I can’t be making any noise. I gazed at the other man with a gunshot through his head and the stinging wound in my stomach only hurt more. All this talk about confidence and bravery for what? Being on the ground with a wound in my stomach sure made me look weak. I couldn’t find it in me to get up. Why couldn’t I get up?

Another gunshot echoed through the hall. A scream of agony followed.

Right. I couldn’t get up because I knew I failed. It was over, and without saving a single life. My body went limp again, and I let my head rest against the freezing floor. Had the room gotten colder? My vision became a blurry mess. There was no trying to wipe the tears if they weren’t going to be tears of happiness. Sharply; I took a shaky breath. Each time I did this my stomach would knot with anxiety and throb with that excruciating burn. Though, it was hard to care anymore. In the distance I could hear voices getting closer. I clenched my teeth and let out more breaths. They lied when saying it helped with that settling panic. In my mind, I wanted to imagine it was Jung-bae and Mr. Seong coming to tell me they did it. That everyone could go home. Maybe we all could’ve sat and had a drink together. That sounded nice. My perception of what could’ve been sounded nice.

I’m sorry Jung-bae.

“Clean the mess. We’ll be back to the games shortly.” Footsteps made their way in front of me. They paused, probably noticing I was still alive. They kneeled before me, staring at my weakened state and placing something even colder than the ground to my head. I closed my eyes and sniffled. “If this was a second chance, you blew it.” Strangely, just those words enough felt worse than anything my father ever told me.

BANG.

A/N: The theme I was going for was “Some things can’t be fixed,” so it wasn’t your average fix it. Though, I do plan to make alternate endings!

#kang dae ho #oneshot #toxic masculinity #suffering #writing #short story #squid game #squid game 2 #time travel #second chances #kind of dae-gyu?? Idk #Sort of one sided thangyu #idk i’m tired #love you guys

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