#45 more mins of work and then i can go home and Rest

[lighthouseshepard]

thinking about him (oscar)

[doginprogress]

Signed up for a dog training class last night in a fit of rage and disappointment

Thistle and I have spent the last two Wednesday nights at our “local” (45 min drive one way) Petsmart puppy class. Last week was about 40 minutes of talking before we began anything. I get that, it’s the first class, instructor has to kinda set some ground rules. Thistle was whining and barking from boredom throughout a good deal of that.

This week I was prepared. I brought something yummy and “long lasting” for her to chew on. I brought a toy, I brought extra treats to give her when she was being good and settled. But really I expected us to get through more training this time.

We spent 55 minutes being lectured at with no actual instruction or training. Thistle chewed through her treat in about 25 minutes. She didn’t want anything to do with the other chew the instructor offered us. She played with her toy a little, but she’s a four month old high energy puppy and she was bored.

The instructor commented several times on how vocal she was. There is one other puppy her size and energy level in the class, who did enjoy the chews the instructor had. The rest are toy breed puppies who prefer to just hang out.

I have never in my life spent 55 minutes of an hour long PUPPY class sitting and listening to an instructor lecture. The next few weeks are going to be painful cause I am absolutely over this trainer.

Anyways when I got home I was angry and upset that I wasted money on this, so I signed up Ponzi for the next basic skills class at our “local” kennel club, who I have done class with before and really enjoyed. I need a good experience with a training class or Thistle’s will ruin me. It’s gonna be over an hour drive one way, but this should also open up scentwork classes to us once we complete it. Unfortunately, none of their puppy classes work time wise for us since I have to factor in the commute time. But maybe this fall they’ll have another basics course I can do with Thistle when she’s old enough. I’ve learned my lesson, the petsmart classes here are not worth it

[everythingisliminal]

Day 20 of 75 Hard

When I complete today, it'll be the furthest I've ever been in this challenge (made it through day 10 then day 19 in 2021).

The journey so far:

Two 45+ minute workouts, 3+ hours apart, at least one of which must be outside. Because I work 10 hour days in wetland restoration navigating mucky, watery, and steep terrain with ~40lbs on my back, I count those 4 workdays as my outdoor workout. Yes it's already part of my routine, but I wasn't going to not do this challenge just because I'm not fitting another workout in before work.

My other outdoor workouts are all walking and/or running around the neighborhood or on trails. My indoor workouts are push, pull, and indoor cycling days with my buddy, bowling with my husband, and following walk/dance/box/lift/yoga vids at home.

Saturdays are wild because I need to get a walk/run in, then go straight to cycling, and then 3 hours later bowl bc my afternoons are booked and I have to get that outdoor workout in but 3 hours away from another workout. Making it work, though!

I did put together an idealized workout schedule to train for the 5 mile trail run my buddy and I signed up for 2 weekends after we complete 75 Hard. Already had to adjust because I twisted my ankle yesterday, so I used that opportunity to try Qigong (followed by 45 min yoga). We'll see if I should stick with walking today or if I can throw in a few 3-4 minute runs.

Honestly, the toughest part of this rule is the scheduling and getting started. I really enjoy the physical activity when I'm in the flow of it.

Take a progress picture. This has been beneficial for me in a way I couldn't predict. The mirror has always surprised me, like "oh, that's what I look like?" It always shows me as curvier, less athletic than I picture myself. Might stem from a grey area of body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria. It's one of the things I'm talking with my therapist about.

But now that I'm taking a picture of my body every day, I'm realizing that what I'm seeing in the mirror looks better than what I'm seeing in the photo, giving an element of valuing what I see in the mirror. Like, I can more positively accept that that's me. So that's cool.

10 pages of reading a "think about your life" nonfiction book. I read The Book on Mental Toughness, which the creator of 75 Hard wrote. 3 of 5 stars. I might write an extended review, but a lot of the book was like watching a car crash. Yeah, the author's mentally tough, but he's not very well read sociologically. It'll be a tougher read for anyone who's nonbinary, living with intergenerational trauma, or can't stand editing/formatting issues. But there was some insightful info about 75 Hard and the continued LIVEHARD program, and I really benefited from the chapter on drinking water.

Currently reading Weave the Liminal: Living Modern Traditional Witchcraft, which I'm fully enjoying.

Books I'm considering reading next are Rest is Resistance: Free Yourself from Grind Culture and Reclaim Your Life / How to Make Friends & Influence People / The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius / Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good / and Keeping It Living: Traditions of Plant Use and Cultivation on the Northwest Coast of North America.

If anyone has a recommendation for books on Inanna, Ishtar, Astarte, or Aphrodite/Aphroditus, I'm looking to learn more about their part in trans history.

Drink 1 gallon of water. I have to stick with a 90oz goal. I've tried multiple times in the past to drink a gallon a day and always wound up with a horribly sore throat after a few days. Last time, it made me sick for 2 weeks. So 90oz of unflavored water is definitely way more than I'd drink normally (32oz on a good day) but without dipping back into unhealthy territory. There are some days that I can drink more (allowing me to get in some Gatorade, preworkout, or BCAAs), but I also have a steady supply of good cough drops at hand.

I try to get in 32oz before lunch, another 32oz by 5pm, and 26oz+ before sleepy time.

Follow a diet. No cheat meals or alcohol. I'm focused on getting 100+ grams of protein a day (macro balancing and calorie deficit are secondary but seem to be happening naturally). I've also cut out chocolate (this is how I know I mean business), sugary drinks, gluten, and microwavable mac n' cheese type meals.

This is really forcing me to get my act together when it comes to planning/prepping. No more going to the coffee stand for a burrito and red bull before work. I have to either cook breakfast or nom on a protein bar. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and at least 2 snacks all have to be protein-centric for me to meet my goal. It's wild to think of how little protein I must have been getting. But now I'm full, and then I'm hungry! There's no middle ground of kinda-hungry filled with chips and milk teas. All this meal prepping and forcing myself to eat well for 75 days will probably be one of the most beneficial things I've ever done for myself.

Tangentially, cutting out chocolate meant cutting out my herbal calm chocolate supplements I always had at night to help myself wind down. Now I have to get off my phone earlier and stretch/meditate/read to get myself prepped for bed. It's good stuff.

Also, I don't drink alcohol, so there's no challenge for me there.

Overall: I'm so glad I'm doing this. This is helping me live my life the way I actually want to live it. I'm developing daily discipline and gaining insights into myself. I've lost 6lbs, my clothes fit better, and I can navigate terrain more easily. I'm enjoying trails in my free time. I was wishy-washy about my goals when I tried 75 Soft a couple months ago, and so didn't stick with them. With 75 Hard, my commitment is unquestionable. This is what my life looks like for the next 56 days. Afterward, I'll take what I like and ditch anything I don't.

If you're considering 75 Hard yourself, do make a game plan. Figure out what your diet is going to be and shop for it. Know how you'll track your water. Schedule a week or two of workouts that help you fulfill a goal (finding out what's fun for you, increasing strength/flexibility/speed, getting outside, hanging out with someone, whatever). Get a book. Give yourself this Day 0 to set yourself up for success.

Then START :D

[whentherewerebicycles]

baby fussed or cried for about two hours of our three and a half hour flight 😵‍💫 then he was very happy and chatty on the hour and a half long train ride home. then he hit a wall as we were driving over to pick up the dogs and was absolutely inconsolable for about half an hour. this poor kid! it took a while to get him down for the night because he was so overwrought but he is asleep now and I am just praying he’s tired enough to sleep straight through. unfortunately on nights when he goes down overtired/wired he’s more likely to have those night terror episodes (maybe too much adrenaline or something??) so it’s also possible he will wake up in 45 min screaming hysterically. we will weather it whatever happens but GOSH I am exhausted. and I still have so much prep work to do tomorrow morning before four hours of back-to-back student meetings. ok ok I can do this. lights out by 9pm so I can wake up around 6:30. baby routine & taking care of the dogs from 6:30-8am. baby down for his nap while I edit essays in bed from 8-9:30 (focus on NF and JW I think). shower/get ready and tidy up from 9:30-10:30. then maybe he can do some kicking around and independent play on his mat from 10:30-12 (with a bottle in there somewhere) while I work a bit more (maybe watch the training video on 2x speed since that will only take part of my brain and I can do it while he’s eating). his nanny arrives at 12 and I will then have an hour to do sustained work on MN, NF. then meetings from 1-5 sigh I can do this and it means the next day will be lighter. nanny leaves at 5 and I will then take the dogs for a walk. I am not sure if I can face cooking tomorrow so I give myself permission to order takeout if needed BUT if he happens to be having a fussy evening it might be good to do a grocery run for the rest of the week. in short: my life feels absolutely insane right now and I am just back at work full time basically. but 1) admissions season is sooooooooo close to being over, 2) as much as it sucks to be working like this now I think it will make going back to work full time feel a little bit less like a shock to the system, and 3) I still have those six weeks of unused leave that I could tack onto my leave in full or in part if I end up feeling like I need more time to decompress and hang out with my kid after the season is over.

[bacchicly]

List time...but surprise today is actually a good day! I just need to get things outta my head to make sure I get my timing right...

Ok so I just put a pork roast in for dinner and it is currently searing at 4:25.... Turn down to 350 in 13 mins.. (likely around the time I post this)

Veggies gonna be:

- canned cream corn (heat 5 mins before serving)

- apple sauce made with the apples I am roasting with the pork (fish out and smash - possibly add more apple - out when I take out the roast to rest)

- baked carrots and parsnips (5 start prep)

Personal To Do List (listed in order of priority)

Install new latch on cupboard under sink

Clean up/ practice demo I am doing tomorrow at work

Pack for prompt departure in the morning to work for presentation in the morning

Pack for trip I am taking later this week (this is shocking I am a throw things madly in a plastic bag madly before I leave person - which I hate)

Work clothing; IT; meds; toiletries; jewelry; makeup?; find damn sunglasses and things I need to drop off at head office

Further (spend an hour more?) on my new budget tracking spreadsheet - after trying other people's solutions and failing...I am trying attempt #4567923 to get on top of family finances. This time I am prioritising a blended bi-weekly/monthly approach that I sort of do naturally. I am also building it around my actual payweek schedule. And have "coded" it to analyse based on those patterns.... I.e. what happens when it is a 3 payweek month versus a 2 payweek month? What are 1st paycheck of the month expenses vs end of the month? We'll see if this time actually helps for awhile. Sigh. I suck at all of this. Oh well if nothing else...when you talk about working/middle/academic/artist class people funneling their money back into the economy instead of saving...and how important that can be... Well let's just say I see myself in that picture...and I am torn about how I feel about it. Money is a huge source of shame for me.

Re-attach eye patches on Stringbean - take photos and share

Ok so here's the timeline based on all that...I am only putting in the musts and then I am going to come back and fill in what I achieve:

It's 3pm (as I type) and I've turned down the oven:

1 am - sleep - alarm set for 7 am

Key time points working backwards:

1 am / 2 am... Who is counting

10ish - kid to sleep

11:30ish - husband home

Got kid to sleep by 10:20... Then tackled more work. Got it done eventually. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

6:30 - latest time to serve dinner

9:15 - drive to hockey & home

Helped with purple hair washing; but also did some work work. Didn't have to drive... Husband got ride.

8:00 to 9:00 - kid bath, jammies & reading

Fed people at 6:45...before that tried to do some work work but my computer needed charging so I did more on the family budget.

6:20 - call folks to wash hands, plate, choose documentary for dinner, cats in "cat jail" (we keep them out of the dinning area for fancier meals since they have terrible table manners)

6:15 - heat corn

6:00 - take out meat to rest and tackle applesauce

5:15 - carrots and parsnips in oven

Put parsnips & carrots in oven early. Now I have an hour to do some work. I wish I had an office.

5:00 - start carrot and parsnip prep

Work through personal to do list for 2.5 hours

Finished doing the latch...but I had to use armature wire to create a custom latch for the one side...apparently I should have bought a bigger latch.

3:20 - post my list

2:45 - write list

[umichenginabroad]

Week 9: Day in the Life at Sogang University (Seoul, South Korea)

Midterm exam season is officially over at Sogang and our 6 day break (also known as Korea's golden week) has started! Many students are either going on vacation or returning to their hometowns starting today, but I have nothing planned, so I'll try to take the free time to explore Seoul a bit more.

I had one exam and six projects/essays/presentations, all of which (hopefully) went well. I think this is unusual for most students at Sogang, since the majority of my friends had multiple exams. Most of my classes are in the "Arts and Technology" department, which seems to place more emphasis on applied learning rather than traditional exams. As someone who much prefers projects to tests, I was relieved!

Since last week was midterms week, we didn't have any regular classes. This week, classes started back up, so I'll go over a typical "day in the life" at Sogang!

On Mondays (one of my "busiest" days of the week), I wake up at around 9:30 AM for my 10:30 "Human Computer Interaction" course. After getting ready, I head to class at around 10:15. Even though the building is only a 5 minute walk away from the dorms, the elevators can be crowded and take a long time on weekday mornings, and Sogang classes are very strict on attendance (as mentioned in an earlier blog post).

The class is lecture based, so I just sit there and listen to the professor until the bell rings 11:45 am. He's not strict about laptop usage, and the course has no exams, so literally everyone in the class has their laptops open doing other things in the middle of the lecture, which I find funny.

When class is over, I usually either buy a sandwich and drink at GS25 (~$5) or eat lunch at "Gimgane", a restaurant right in front of the dorms with cheap and reliable Korean meals that taste home cooked. I almost always order vegetable bibimbap with tteokkochi (rice cake skewers). In total, it only costs around $7. If I'm not feeling lazy, I might walk ~20 mins to a restaurant near campus instead, such as "Sound Kitchen" (for healthy food like poke bowls, salad and hummus, etc.) or Soo (Japanese curry).

Meal at Soundkitchen (left), meal at Soo (right).

There isn't much time between lunch and my next class, so I usually just go back to my dorm in between. My next course, "K-Culture and Media", is 3 hours long, but very fun and low effort. Usually, we watch a K-drama for at least an hour and a half, and discuss it and its relation to Korean culture for the rest of the class period.

Professor showing the class BTS music videos (top left). Snack handed out in class related to the concept of "Jeong" (top right). My half of the dorm on laundry day, hence no sheets, ft. my JJK merch (bottom two images).

Afterwards, I usually head back to my dorm or to a nearby cafe to get some work done, and then get dinner with a friend around 7:30 PM. We usually eat around Sinchon station (near Yonsei University), near Ewha Women's University station, or near Daeheung station (all of which are only about a 15-20 minute walk from the dorms). Of course, getting dessert after dinner is a must, and trying out different dessert places and cafes in Korea has really been the highlight of my time here.

Two cafes near Sogang.

On Wednesdays and Saturdays, HUG (Hands up for Gathering) hosts events for exchange and Korean students to meet, which I occasionally participate in and have always been fun.

HUG event in Yeouido park.

Weekdays are never very eventful, but on Tuesdays and Thursdays, when I only have one class, I enjoy either taking a 30 minute walk to Hongdae or the 30 minute train ride to Itaewon for lunch and to explore. Just randomly walking around has also led to me meeting random celebrities/K-pop groups.

Meeting a K-pop group by Sinchon station (left). What I do in my free time: visiting a JJK popup cafe in Hongdae (right).

Thank you for reading this far and I'll see you next week!

Lilly Richards, Robotics, Sogang University in Seoul, South Korea

[mostlymalena]

April 25th 2025 11:07pm

Lot to get through here so per usual prepare for many spelling and grammar issues.

Currently sitting on my porch with a cig which I have accidentally cut back on. Some days I won't smoke at all. I have been tired lately. I suspect I might be burnt out. From work.

Thursday beach bars are the nights I add to my lore since my other days are spent in my garden, watching anime, or day dreaming about people who think I'm weird and too direct.

Last night was insane.

Bays mom and aunt (mom's bestie) are visiting in town and it's the first time ive met them! They are what I imagine Bay and I to be at 55.

Party. Fucking. Animals.

I meet them downtown first at Underfront and we have a good time there. I am not drinking this night. So I end up driving mom and aunt to beach bars and Bay goes with Dani. And Jordan Dani's friend is also with us so it's a great group honestly. Jimbos is packed because I guess it's frat and sororities formals? Everyone is dress like they just watched golf idk. Our violin guy is playing so we dance a little and then head to Red Dogs bc we got there later than usual since we started downtown .

Red dogs is where shit got bat shit.

People get their drinks and across the room I notice a tall (maybe asian decent?) man with a mustache staring me down. I do a little wave and he smiles. A blonde girl in a white tank is hanging all over him so I turn away and continue dancing. He comes up and starts talking to me and I tell him I'm busy and to find me in an hour and I give him my number. Well 30 mins go by and he is early to our appointment. We are yapping and I glance down and my eyes widen because lo and behold this man is wearing FLIP FLOPS. TO RED DOGS. CASUALLY!!!!!!

That's all I really needed to be like okay well bye! So I start to shrug him off and that of course riles him the fuck up. Gas on a fire let me tell you. He goes "are you a dominant woman? I can tell you are and I am very submissive and I will do anything you want". I stare at him a little shocked bc that is, well, very forward. He then just blurts out: "Will you please peg me". I am speechless! For the wrong reason!!!!

I point to Dani and I say "If you want someone to peg you I have two people who would take you up on that". Joking but I wanted him to leave. I then dismiss him. He proceeds to call me and text me the rest of the night. ALSO HE FOLLOWS ME TO THE TWO OTHER BARS I GO TO and JUST.. lmao!!! STAND AT A DISTANCE TO WATCH ME.

What a guy!!!!

Bay and Dani head home around.. say... 12:45 but Mom and Auntie are staying at the beach and want one more drink at loggers so I offer to stick with them and drive them home. (btw I did not get into my own bed until 3:12am).

At Loggers they are SWARMED by frat guys just itching for their mommy voids to be filled. Mom and Auntie are happy to entertain them and drink so I sit back and smoke and watch. I see ac couple people I know say hello and then at about 10 till 2am we go to get pizza.

Wait I lost all motivation to type this out lmao.

Quick facts: a group of frat boys asked me for pizza and when I said no they corned me and stole my entire pie from me and ran off. I did not get a slice :(

Brooke my old baby sitter who I had to fire and eventually block bc she would not stop calling and texting me, found me at the pizza spot and caused a whole scene by yelling at me and basically had a psycho break lmao. SOOOO awkward and weird. Wonder if she is gonna do that every time she sees me out.

Gonna go to sleep now. Ive been at good shepherd basically all week bc they needed extra hands and I have a soccer game tmmrw morning.

Nanny was in the hospital today.

Jo is finally done with school.

My life is a blissful dull. I am savoring it before the chaos of summer descends upon me. My lips are chapped.

[phagodyke]

sorry if this is odd to ask but what is your workout routine? I’m trying to motivate myself into exercise again and seeing how other people do it helps. Have a good one!

meant to reply to this sooner but I forgor… getting round 2 it now tho! disclaimer I dunno as much abt exercise science as I’d like to + don’t rly have any 'training' so my approach just comes from personal experience - take this w a pinch of salt lol. I’ll split it in 2 parts: my routine first + then a list of things that personally motivate me in a reblog in case u find any of that useful >:-) (under the readmore cuz this ended up being kind of long 👇)

ok so: I try to ‘actively’ work out 5 days a week. this tends to be broken into 1-2 longer full-body sessions (around 60-120 mins long, at the mo usually bouldering/parkour or a full-body home workout) with a rest day before/after + then 3-4 shorter home workouts (30-60 mins long, usually some form of weight/resistance training, targeting specific muscle groups). e.g. a fortnightly workout timetable might look smth like this for me:

I don’t tend to plan specific workouts more than a few days in advance so I don’t actually follow an explicit timetable like this. instead I set aside an ‘exercise timeslot’ every day (usually 4-6pm) and I’ll intuitively decide how to work out on the day – i.e., what part of my body feels ready to go? what part feels tired + needs a break? do I have the energy/focus to do 45 mins or do I need to shorten it to 30? do i need a rest day? working out regularly means I have a good sense of how long I need for certain muscles to recover so if there’s an activity I want to do on a specific day (like a sports club I wanna attend) I’ll keep it in mind and plan accordingly so I’m fresh for that. as a rule of thumb, I avoid working the same muscle group on consecutive days + give myself a full rest day before & after any intensive full-body workout. I also try to never take more than 3 back-to-back rest days unless I’m sick/on my period/life gets in the way – otherwise its very easy for me to fall out of routine even if I’ve maintained it for months beforehand (<- adhd ass)

(also worth noting – my ‘rest days’ aren’t completely ‘inactive’ – I’ll go for a walk or do some stretches/yoga or another gentle activity instead. I need a lot of physical movement in my life or I go stir crazy <- adhd ass strikes again)

my ‘home workouts’ are the sort of movements u can do at a gym with the equipment there, but I replicate them with a yoga mat + my own weights + a sturdy chair. I have 6kg & 10kg pairs of dumbbells, plus yoga blocks + resistance bands for extra challenge. most of my workouts are based on resistance/interval training, which is focused on increasing strength by repeating sets of movements/holds at a consistent intensity/pace for specific lengths of time, with short timed rest periods in-between (e.g., a typical workout might look like 45 mins of 45 movements targeting 1-2 muscle groups, each done for 40 seconds followed by a 20 second break before immediately moving onto the next).  I like it bc I can rly feel the progress I make + find it satisfyingly challenging (<-masochist) but also bc its easy to tailor to my own ability/how much energy I have that day etc by changing weights/pace. it also works with my adhd brain bc I only have to do each movement for 40-50 seconds at a time before moving on to smth else so I don’t get as easily distracted (as opposed to doing like xyz number of reps for xyz sets). if you’re interested, I swear by caroline girvan – I’ve done her EPIC programmes a few times now + often cherrypick from her videos when I want to work certain muscle groups without sitting down + compiling a list of individual exercises + setting a timer myself. the ‘EPIC beginner’ series is a great intro to her longer ones, I sometimes use that to ease myself back into working out if I haven’t for a while, but be warned it isn’t aimed at ppl who are completely new to that style of exercise. I think she has an app now that comes with an ‘absolute beginner’ version + a 14 day free trial(?) so might be worth checking that out. I will admit some of her stuff is TOUGH - I still can't do all of them w the same weights/pace she does... I particularly struggled with wrist strength when I started out too and had to do some separate conditioning/strengthening exercises before I could even work up to doing like. a single push up on my knees... so if u do check her out try not to get put off by how crazy strong she is bc thats literally her career skfjkj the important thing is just doing it to the best of ur own ability/to ur point of hypertension + keeping good form throughout!!

full body home workouts are pretty much more of the same just longer since I'm hitting more muscles (i.e. 60-90 mins) + sometimes with cardio elements (altho I can’t do HIIT workouts involving jumping at home bc I’m a respectful upstairs neighbour 😔). If I go to the bouldering gym (I try to go fortnightly atm) I’ll usually spend ~2 hours, focusing on trying to send one route at a time until my arms give out. im currently getting confident with V2 grades and tentatively working on V3s. its probs my fave sport, there's a level of problem solving to it that I find rly mentally stimulating... even tho I boulder solo, trips to the gym are social for me bc I often end up chatting to ppl working on nearby problems + picking up technique/advice from them, its a v welcoming space (I'm also planning on joining my new city's queer climbing group!). the parkour sessions I go to are also social, they're run locally for free around the city + structured by more experienced members in the community. they usually involve a warmup, conditioning, drills focusing on certain movements/jumps etc, and then free 'play' trying to put those moves into context. again ~2 hours long. im def not a pro at climbing or parkour but theyre super fun + would 100% rec if ur interested + can find a friendly local group for either, u can teach urself using online resources too :-)

goes without saying but I also warm up for at least 5 mins before doing ANYTHING!!! I try to cater it to the muscle group im planning on working with but still cover the whole body cuz its important to get ur heart rate up + even when u focus on one muscle group there will be others that get dragged in. I don't rly have a 'set' warmup but again caroline girvan has some good ones on her channel 👍 likewise always good to cool down after with stretches cuz future me will be grateful for it.. altho sometimes I'm a bit lazy abt it 🤭

okkkk i think that’s pretty much the bulk of it, I’ll stick my motivation tips in the reblog 😁

[secretofblue]

07 • 03 • 25 11:55 pm

Friday recap

Today i had to wake up early in hopes of finishing my pendings early so i could also run some errands for my mom and still come back early at home, unfortunately i didn't have much luck on that

First, i always destiny 2hrs to go from my home to the campus, but nearly all my first hour go to waste on waiting for my first bus at the bus stop (45 min?!)

Then once on college i needed to go to talk with my coordinator because my complementary credits still hasnt been updated to my kardex and that can be a huge problem if i let more time pass, but the coordinator wasn't at her office and her secretary told me she was on a meeting and probably it would take her another 45 min to come back, she also gave me the option to come back another day, but that means destiny 4hrs of another day to do so, so no thanks i will wait (i'm actually writing this while waiting outside her office, trying to also avoid the uncomfortableness of being just sat in silence with the secretary)

At that point i was almost lost of hope on still being able to do the errands my mom asked me to bc i wasn't sure at which time the store i had to buy from closed (it's from a little local market so this stores close pretty early :( )

Update: once the coordinador came back to her office we had a conversation no longer than 5min and ended up derivating me to another department, i can't even remember it's name, but actually the Lic. that atended me there was so kind and polite, she told me that actually she's gonna have a meeting on monday regarding that problem and asked me if she could use my case as an example. Now i have to send a mail to her explaning the problem and all de data, but well i hope this problem finally gets solved (i've had to lidiate with it the entire career and without this solved i'm not able to go do my intership next semester 🙃)

Update 2: i don't know how but i was able to make it on time for the rest of the things i had to do

Later, on the afternoon once my mom came back from work, we had to go and pick up the new sofa she just bought + other things and omg that thing is so fcking heavy, i end super tired once we finish accomodating it back at home

Uptade 3: i forgot to write the document i had to send, so i will do it once i'm already in bed and just schedule it to be sent tomorrow's morning

👣 9.3 k

This already turned long enough, sorry anddd

Good night everyone, rest well! ✨

[therantsofawriterrr]

Idk what joy old people get by pretending they have all the knowledge in the world.

(please don't say shit like, "they're still your grandparents, you shouldn't bitch abt them" etc, etc, I'm tired of hearing that.)

Personal rant under the cut:

I have never wanted to shake anyone by the shoulders because who doesn't know the basic concept of heat and density is like what?????

Like i get that you had the education of the 1940s which probably wasn't rly much (and this is actually true don't come at me)

But bro how can you not know that if you put something that is light in water, it WILL float up????? LIKE BRO THESE PEOPLE OUT HERE SAYING SOMETHING IS WRONG W THE MACHINE BECAUSE THE WATER HAS MORE DENSITY THAN THE FUCKING ALUMINIUM PLATE (like i get that density might be a big word but even the simplest of minds know that something light in water will float up)

Also. My grandmother is a masterchef. I've eaten her food and it was 👌👌👌 but now, at 80, after two falls and a bad arm, understandably, she has lost her touch. But, any person who can cook, be it something packaged or from scratch, knows that continuous heat burns the food.

Now, a rice cooker has two modes. Cooking and Keep Warm. When the rice is cooked, it goes to Keep Warm. Now the problem is, my grandfather, who does a lot of pujas and venerations and stuff, needs the rice to offer to god. He wants it to be kept at 7 in the morning, even tho he starts his worshipping at 8 and the offering is done at 9.

The rice cooker cooks the rice in 45 minutes. For some reason, the old man thinks that if the rice is not put into the machine at 7, he won't have anything to offer.

But anyway, my mother as well as the rest of us adhere to their rules. Now the thing is, Keep Warm mode also keeps producing heat. And that results, in the rice burning a bit and sticking to the bottom of the vessel.

Now, my grandmother, the woman who claims to "know everything" is claiming that something is wrong with the VESSEL. My grandparents have this thing that the food should be hot. And not like warm, hot. The kind where you'll have to wait for two minutes before touching it hot. There have been incidents where the curd was boiled because of their insistence.

Anyways, so the rice cooker is supposed to be switched off when it reaches Keep Warm mode. Max, it should be kept on for 30 mins or so. Hell, it's there so that you can make the rice quickly just before lunch, so that you can have it piping hot.

But, no.

"I used to finish cooking till 9 in the morning! My in-laws would throw me out of the house if it hadn't been like that! We didn't have this rice cooker and shit in our times we had to cook it in this big iron pot!"

Like... ok? Wtf do we do abt that? We have stuff that makes our lives easier and that's why we're using it.

God, I can't understand old people who're obsessed with how things were at their young age, with how their work used to go and everything.

Like, hey Grandma, bathrooms didn't fucking exist at your times right? If you want us to make that mental imagery of 1940s true for you, why do we have bathrooms in our house? Why're you using the AC, that didn't exist at your time, right?

Yk I've met old people who're sooo different from mine. Who move on with the ages, while keeping the nostalgia of their own. The right way to do it, is to miss your younger days and to talk about it.

Half the time she talks both out of her mouth and her ass. She herself doesn't know what's right or wrong, she's only here, staying in our home to tell us that everything her middle aged son, middle aged daughter in law and newly adult granddaughter are doing is wrong. That God is watching and that we'll get punished.

It's a fucking tragedy, how the abused becomes the abuser and the traumatized becomes the one who traumatizes others. And now, I'm afraid that my mother is going on the same path, while my father and I are actively trying not to.

😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨 anyways.

[lowwasteorbustanut]

So uhhhhhhh

Today has been a DAY! (Thursday to be exact)

Started when I woke up with a stronger than normal headache.

(I’m disabled and I experience a headache everyday. Every. Day.)

4 am Went to work

6 am became a migraine.

(Worked for 5 hours so I could leave early but not have it counted against me since I worked more than half my day.)

9am Get home.

Rest on the couch.

11:30 am Suddenly my right nostrils gets HELLA congested. Like fully blocked cannot breathe.

Boil water and breath in steam to try and break it up.

Feel my nose drain.

(Eyeball things under the cut)

Then my right eye itches. I close my eye lid and rub it with my knuckle.

Eye still kind of itchy. Leave it alone for about 15 mins.

11:45 am I go to the bathroom because my eye really hurts and my vision is funky?

See this:

Am HORRIFIED!

FYI those are NOT tears in my eye. It’s a weird gooey gelatinous film.

Drive myself to urgent care (7mins away)

12pm get to urgent care and get checked in. As I am literally taking a seat in the waiting room I am IMMEDIATELY called back.

(Uh oh that’s not good)

Answer intake questions. Do a vision test. My right eye vision is blurry and hard to see.

12:30 pm doctor comes in. Grabs my face (gently) says oh no this is an extreme allergic reaction.

What? I have no extreme allergies!

She says I do now. That the gooey stuff is actually the WHITES OF MY EYES FILLING WITH LIQUID! That my eye is no longer an orb and is now a gooey mess.

This is what she saw:

Notice how my pupil is off center/no longer a circle? Because the shape of my eye was no longer stable. And note the swelling. And the hives around both eyes. At this point my left eye was starting the same process.

Immediately get prescribed oral steroids and antibiotic eye drops (just in case it was some kind of infection).

Get an urgent referral to an optometrist. Am told I need to see someone TODAY and it is in fact an emergency.

(My coping mechanism is humor.)

Make the joke “but it’s not like I’m gonna lose my eye right?!” Giggle.

Doctor makes direct and prolonged eye contact. “I don’t know. That’s why you need to see the optometrist.”

Now I’m super freaked out.

12:45 pm Get my drugs. Call my friend to drive me to the eye appointment I made. Only opening was a town away-about 30 min drive.

Now I’m feeling a lot of pressure/pain in my right eye. Can’t keep it open.

Left eye vision is starting to get blurry.

2:30pm get to appointment. Intake.

3pm see doctor. Am told it’s a horrific allergic reaction not an infection. Get prescribed steroid eye drops on top of oral steroid and antibiotic drops.

Am told to use both eye drops. Because while it’s highly likely just an allergic reaction, the antibiotics won’t hurt just in case.

Get STRICT instruction to not touch my face/eyes for 48 hours. If my eye doesn’t start to improve by Friday afternoon, get another appointment that day. Get told I’ll be fit-in no matter what. If it starts to improve but is not almost 100% by Monday get another appointment that day. If all looks/feels good go to follow up on Wednesday.

Get a doctors note for work on Friday, because there is no way I can go in.

I have since done another full round of each eye drop. Eye now looks like this:

Looks much better! Hives are going away. Eye is more stable/less gelatinous. Vision is improving. But it still feels swollen and difficult to open.

Now it’s crusty, but I can’t touch it. And no hot water. Cold/cool water only.

Both eyes are still red but improving.

——

Anyway I did not know that you can have such a severe allergic reaction that literal parts of your eyes fill with fluid and ruin your vision. And the shape of your eye. It’s been a shitty day, but at least I still have my eyes.

And my migraine.

[bacchicly]

Alrighty - today's list is all about setting up for a successful "return to work" and setting up a successful morning routine. Note - this is the fourth or fifth attempt in the last few years to set up or rijig a morning routine that sets me up for success so I will be building on lessons learned and challenges.

Will start by doing a bit of journaling to identify some of the challenges I have been having - from there I will be putting together my to do list for the rest of the day.

Note: Tags for these types of posts seem to have settled to at least "Bacchic dances" and "list day". Other tags come and go.

Ok so I have started officially with a year of the Inflow app. Is it perfect? No - but it has a lot of things I do like about it. And if nothing else my approach of doing a better job of including my family more in the process has been very positive.

I wish there was one app that would combine everything I want... But that seems unlikely so far so part of today is to do an assessment of what I need and don't need.

So the last module was on morning routines which I admit I sort of rushed through as you are supposed to pace yourself at a lesson a day...but the good news is the next module also starts with morning routine as a central focus...so that is good and will now be my focus for this week.

Alright so random brainstorm on things that have helped to some degree:

Tumblr lists/journaling used on an "as and when" basis

Using timers for firm timelines

Using audio books on a timer as a way to keep me present / not using my phone for other crap to keep me time aware and more or less on task.

Pairing habits / tasks

External accountability

Options / flexibility

Prepping in advance

Making tasks more pleasant

Things that have been issues:

Being too rigid

Being too lax

"Dropped the toothbrush" syndrome (i.e. a change to the set up changes or something stops being usable and needs to be replaced...transitions are huge.danger zones for me)

Lack of clarity or setting boundaries

Going in alone and being afraid of imposing

Under-estimating: how long something will take, how much energy/focus it will need, how easy it should/could be, how much help I can or can't expect, potential of being interrupted, my ability to prioritise without writing it down, how bad my symptoms can be, the impact of my symptoms on myself and others, what might trigger anxiety, the positive impact of self talk

To do list:

Watch a craft video with my kid. No multi-tasking. And just one.

Take 1 hour and decide on a evening/morning routine for this week - building on the learnings above above. I am tempted to look for an app or restart with Finch but NO. I am going to use GOOGLE DOCS and "just" type up something to print up and post in the bathrooms and kitchen. I will also add as a pinned post here.

Wash stupid fridge drawer

Wash dishes

Help kid get tangles out of hair

Wash & dry & pa clothing x2...this will leave me with on load to pa tomorrow as there.is currently stuff in the dryer.

Husband Hockey

Do evening routine.

Resist creating a giant to do list of everything I would like to accomplish. Resist looking up new apps. Resist chasing thought like "I should listen to the curate my closet app again". Resist resist resist.

Update:

In kitchen - have 45 min to putter in here so:

Empty sink 1 & add h2o + soap

Pa laundry

Move laundry to Dryer and start - remember to clean lint

Empty sink 2 & add h20

Pa last of clean dishes - I did most this morning

Add new load to wash

Wash dishes

Run bath for kid.

Post dinner - pre-hockey list (I am flagging)

Help kid with work book (I mostly just have to sit beside them)

Check that clothing is dry - if yes -Pa laundry - if no - turn on for another spin

Decide if I am up to watching hockey or not (I have a cold) my fam bossed me into staying home - good call family

Pa laundry

Go to washroom

Drive to hockey

Flip laundry

Review workbook pages done with kid

Bedtime

Do some more thinking about morning/evening routine.

[middleagerunblog]

XXXVIII.

Week 5 recap

Exercise:

Sun Jan 7 - 11:03a, hike on Little Big Econ Trail with my youngest son, 2 mi, 50 min

Mon Jan 8 - 6:01a, outdoors near home, 4 mi, 40:55, 10:12 pace

Tue Jan 9 - 6:02a, outdoors near home, intervals

Wed Jan 10 - 6:01a, outdoors near home, 3 mi, 30:33, 10:09 pace

Thu Jan 11 - rest

Fri Jan 12 - 6:04a, outdoors near home, 1 mi easy pace, 3 mi race pace with splits of 8:39/9:00/8:45, then half mile at easy pace

Sat Jan 13 - 8:25a, outdoors near home, 8 mi, 1:20:22, 10:02 pace

Diet:

I figured some things out this week but also failed in spots.

EGPA - 2.43, down from last week's 2.86, sight above Q1's 2.40 ... daily splits ... Sun C-, Mon A-, Tue B-, Wed B, Thu B, Fri C, Sat D

Alcohol wasn't the problem this week as I've stuck to red wine only for Jan before abstaining completely in Feb. Only 3 drinks all week, 1 on Sun, 2 on Fri.

I didn't weigh myself again this week. I want to lose weight, maybe I still can lose a few lb. before the race in March, but I'm 5 weeks in, 7 weeks to go, let's see this half marathon thing through and decide if I need to pivot to something more weight loss friendly in March.

The 38W jeans came in the mail and were absurdly big. I didn't take the tags off and will stick with 36W. Counting this a minor win.

Music:

Newer song I heard this week and liked - "Plastic" by Cheekface (2023)

Everything's in place now Do you like it? No matter what you don't like We can move it

Old song new to me I heard this week and liked - "Damaged Goods" by Gang of Four (1978)

The change will do you good I always knew it would

Old song I listened to the first time in a while this week - "Preaching The End Of The World" by Chris Cornell (1999)

Hello, I know there's someone out there who can understand And who's feeling the same way as me

Rereading:

Only reread two more chapter in Kafka on the Shore, 16 and 17. Johnnie Walker tell Nakata his crazy cat-killing/soul-taking/flute-building story and asks Nakata to kill him or else he'll keep murdering cats. Nakata doesn't quite understand what's going on but obliges and saves a couple cats.

Oshima picks up Kafka at the mountain cabin after a couple of days. On the drive back, Oshima invites Kafka to live and work at the library ands says all sorts of interesting things. One I've already blogged about, but in the spirit of continuing to progress on this reread, I'll just list the other two interesting quotes I highlighted without further commentary here:

"Reality's just the accumulation of ominous prophecies come to life."

"In everybody's life there's a point of no return. And in a very few cases, a point where you can't go forward any more. And when we reach that point, all we can do is quietly accept that fact. That's how we survive."

[away-ward]

So I just saw your post about ThunderBay location and I just wanted to add a silly thought. So Im from Canada (Quebec, Montreal more specifically). I think you should look at the map of Montreal, it'll be easier for you to see a bit more clearly where Thunderbay could be in the US. Montreal is an island (surrounded by a body of water), but still within the province of Quebec, it reminds me of Meridian City. The closest town to Montreal is Laval, which is a smaller town (20 min drive from Montreal), it reminds me of the distance between Thunderbay and Meridian. In Corrupt they could go back and forth between the two locations really "quickly". It's basically the same for Montreal and Laval. There are about 4 million people living in Montreal. Laval is not really a small town (about 49,000), but the distance between the two always reminded me of Thunderbay and Meridian City.

There's also this neighborhood in Montreal, named Westmount. Basically, all of the really wealthy people on the island live there. About 20,000 people, which is still a lot for Thunderbay, but the aesthetic of Thunderbay always screamed Westmount when I was reading the series.

Anyway just a thought, and your blog is amazing

Love you

Ahh, thank you. Happy you’re enjoying the blog!

This is the exact type of response I was hoping for. I didn’t even think to expand outside of New England. Since people often ask where I think Thunder Bay would be located, I was trying to figure it out geographically.

Aesthetically is another matter.

Montreal fits exactly how I imagined Meridian. I still think Thunder Bay is probably farther, since in Corrupt when they burned Rika’s home down, and she was racing back to see if her mom was okay, it took her a little over an hour. Other times, they note it took them just under an hour. With this, I estimate the travel time to be at least 45 minutes with good traffic.

However, the way Montreal and Laval are situated remind me of Meridian and Whitehall. I know technically Whitehall is just a neighborhood within Meridian, but Kai notes it's on the other side of the river that cuts through Meridian and the way Michael and the others talk is as if Kai is farther away than would be normal, so a twenty-minute drive from where the rest of them live makes sense.

And I’ve gone to google maps to bop around Westmount for a while. It is gorgeous! No matter where I dropped, it was stunning! I love all the red brick and stone. That’s one thing I was missing with the towns in Maine. Brick and stone weren’t materials that were used often in that area. But there’s something about Thunder Bay that says old stone buildings, but maybe that’s just me. Still, I can see why this area works for Thunder Bay though.

Honestly, Victoria Hall is sort of how I pictured TBP, whether that makes sense or not. But I guess either The Study or the one of Mt. Pleasant Ave work too (when I say I'm easily influenced not picky, I mean it).

I’m in conflict here, though. Because while I picture stone and brick – old, historic buildings – I also picture the little seaside village main streets I’ve seeing. It’s not one consistent image in my head.

Personally, This is how I pictured Thunder Bay when reading. Lots of space, green during the spring and summer, colors in the fall. The larger houses spread out, ocean views from just about everywhere.

Above, we can see on the right side those larger houses right on the coastline, but they're still really close to the town. That's sort of how I pictured it. This is Bar Harbor, ME. It's the one that has the cute little gazebo in the right on main street and I could really picture the burning scene as well as the one where Emmy watches Will go into Sticks, since there's a bar/restaurant right across the street.

But I don’t know. I think it’s great that we all have different ideas about what it would look like for them.

[haruharuz]

Sunnclass' Bootcamp

As many of y'all might know, I started a 10k challenge where I'll work every single day except Tuesday, Valentine's and of course when I'm sick (like currently lol).

This Bootcamp is specifically designed to get my body where I want it to be and increase profits to the max in every way.

As soon as my nose ain't snotting no more.. I'm gonna be hitting this until my body and mind are right. WHILE I do this camp, I'll be doing the 10k challenge.

This finna be a wild ride.

GOALS

Handstand

Forearmstand

Right, left and middle splits

Lose 3 inches on waist

Gain 2 inches on ass

Increase overall flexibility

Increase mobility

Back walkover into split

Forearmstand into split

Split grip walk

Invert mid air

Ballerina

Superman

Increase overall fitness

Gain more pole strength

Keep nails done in some manner (including toes)

Stretch DAILY

Workout DAILY

This is the current list 😊 I'll probably add to it later. For now let me tell you the in depth plans ! I say the word “you” in this a lot as if I’m speaking to myself lol. On top of this I'll be studying constantly when I'm not at work so whew.

Let's start with the workout regimen! Ive broken it down into mon-sun ! Easy to understand and follow steps. 

NOTE: Whatever workouts you CHOOSE to do in the first week, do the exact same workouts with added weight if possible for the next MONTH on this schedule. 

 ex: if you choose a 15 minute chloe ting hiit workout for the HIIT day, every wednesday for 3-4 weeks you should do that same hiit workout for best results.

Fair warning: this is a LOT. It's not going to be easy to do this 😩

Monday

Glute focus with some cardio :

If no gym: find one cardio, and two booty workouts (one should be a warmup and the other should be 20-30 minutes and preferably with weight of some sort)

If at gym :

Tuesday

- 15 min treadmill warmup 3.5 mph with two 30 second sprints.

- glute warmup with bands (25 x 2 fire hydrants, 25 x 2 donkey kicks / 15 x 2 rainbows / 25 x 2 glute bridges / 30s glute bridge hold / 30s glute bridge hold with pulse)

- dumbbell at moderately difficult weight  glute bridges  3 x 12 (3 sets of 12 reps)

- hip abduction at moderately difficult weight 3 x 12

- cable pull through OR kettlebell swings with moderately difficult weight at 4 x 10

- stair master for 10 minutes 

core focus with cardio

if no gym: find one cardio and two core workout videos, i don’t care who you use! Whatever works for you is totally fine by me. total workout should be around 30 minutes or so, you CAN follow the core portion of the gym workout at home too.

if at gym:

Wednesday

- 15 min treadmill warmup 3.5 mph with fluctuating incline 

-  crunches 10 x 3 / mountain climbers 30 s x 2 /  bicycle crunches 30s x 2

- reverse crunches 45s / plank 15s / plank twists 15s x 2

HIIT 

Choose your favorite hiit workout and go at it !

Thursday

Choose one upper body workout ( I don’t care where it’s from) and follow the glute regimen from monday BUT substitute the hip abduction machine for squats 4 x 10 ! and add leg press 2 x 10 at light weight.

Friday

ACTIVE REST DAY! 

Saturday

Full Body

Find any full body workout that suits your needs and follow it, this goes for the gym or at home. 

Sunday

ACTIVE REST DAY! or MIXED BAG ! Choose your favorite workout and go for it.

Now that that’s over with! Let’s talk about our other skills, here’s what I’ll be doing myself... daily.

Stretching Routine:

Middle splits 

Front Splits

back flexibility

full body stretch

OTHER SKILLS:

Every day at work I’ll be spending 15-30 minutes on the pole practicing new moves and working on my conditioning and strength.

RULES:

Every morning i will be following this handstand video and this forearm stand video accompanied by an absolute fuck ton of water and a nutritious breakfast.

Twice per week I will be working on my front and back walkovers !

Drink a gallon of water every day

Take multivitamin every morning

Meal plan or prep for the week ( aka cut some fruit up and stick it in a container so it’s easier to eat) 

dont quit

get your nutrients in :  greens, vegetables, fruit, rice, protein- all that good stuff! it’s super important to making sure you’re safe and healthy

i’ll be doing my nails once every week in some way, whether they be long or just a clear coat on my natural nails! 

epsom soak twice per week (as i’ll be dancing on TOP of doing this)

fast food/ eating out is going to be limited to once per week for me 

do this for one full month

GENTLE REMINDER: This is for myself, but it’s here for anyone who wants to try it. don’t push yourself too hard and pls be safe if you do.

[randombtsprincessa]

Brush His Picture

All Rights Reserved. © RandomBTSPrincessa, Tulips98.

Author: Randombtsprincessa

Characters: Kim Namjoon x Reader

Words: 12.6k I am sorry for getting carried away...again.

Genre: Fluff, Angst cause it’s me

Rating: General!

Summary: Your job of writing a bio for Kim Namjoon is thrown for a spin when feelings get involved...

Warnings: It’s Namjoon. I have gushed. I am not sorry.

A/N: Firstly a warm and cuddly hug for @wynniewright​ for whom this fic is written. I enjoyed our conversations and look forward to more of those! Secondly a big hug and heaps of thanks to @casuallyimagining​ for the gif banner because I suck at those. Thirdly thanks to @thebtswritersclub​ for hosting the wonderful exchange!

Smeraldo Books, in your opinion, was the best building in the small corporate complex located just a little walking distance from your little apartment. It was slate gray; concrete and glass which gave off a cold, aloof appearance from outside, but when you entered it, it was rich creams, warm browns with tons of plants and flowers. The smell followed you, as you climbed up the floors, multicolored as should be the place where you entered new dimensions via books.

Your own floor was pastel blue, pine wood and deep tones of red and browns sprinkled here and there. If you looked hard, you’d find some pink nestled somewhere too. Today it was on your own desk. You had outdone yourself to be early today. You’d packed up everything you could think of in a sensible tote – notepad, tablet, pens, pencils, heck you’d even thrown in a sharpener and ruler scale. You’d grabbed your hello kitty travel mug, filled it with yummy hot chocolate with a touch of espresso and strode down the street to work.

You would be getting the first assignments of the incoming season today and since it was your first writing assignment overall, you wanted to make a good impression – a very good impression. Your pressed clothes and smart shoes were testament of your frazzled fluttering last night, preparing for today. Making sure you had everything; you took a deep breath and made to enter the conference room at the back of the floor.

Each floor had one, for on-floor calls and projects undertaken by the different subsets of the publishing house you worked for. Yours, in particular, was the same blue and pine, a long oval table in the centre with purple and blue mismatched chairs around it. Light streamed in clearly from the high wide windows, with glass animals on the sill throwing rainbows on the wall. In the very centre of the table was a vase, sporting the very flower that the company was named after. The ethereal blue petals blushing with pinks and violets at their veins curled delicately, recently sprayed to look dewy and fresh.

You adored these flowers; you had three pots of them at home.

***

Rena arrived at sharp 9:45. Her hair was pulled back in a sleek high ponytail that you were semi sure could cut if she – ahem, whipped her hair back and forth fast enough. You’d mentioned that during a drinking night, and had been friends since. She was your mentor in more ways than one, and you relied on her heavily, this being your first year at Smeraldo. Your appearance today would reflect on her too and you wanted her to know that she could trust you.

“Good morning, Y/N.” She smiled at you.

“Good morning, Rena. Any news for the morning?”

She shrugged, unbuttoning her navy suit. She crossed her legs. “I know seasonal meetings are important, but you don’t have to be quite so stressed about them.” She winked at you. “Don’t worry, you’ll ease into it.”

You sighed in relief. If Rena was this unbothered, you had absolutely no reason to worry.

Your steady breathing remained until about ten minutes, when at 9:55, the door was opened and the head walked in with her assistants and the other members of the floor. You shuffled to the front of your chair as the meeting commenced.

As Rena had said, it really wasn’t anything to worry about. Your head was chill enough when she presented spreadsheets, delegating people to watch the stats and curves before the real reason for the meeting was dealt with.

The ‘projects’ were the writing, the works, the foundation of Smeraldo. Every ‘project’ floor had three to four of those. The stars, who would usually grab the opportunity to head out there, do the work your creative writing professor preached about and bring in the digs. The rest of the floor was the sheep, handling excels and graphs – like commoners.

This season began with two fantasy drafts, both quickly given out to the oldest, most experienced Stars, no questions asked. They were to draft first, present later before Smeraldo published them under their banner.

“Right then,” She looked up. “Now, I don’t suppose you need to be reminded that last year we joined hands to collaborate with HYBE. It is an honor that they chose us and we intend to honor them right back, don’t we?” The words were intimidating enough for us to all nod.

“We have already worked with them so it should be easier for us to get going on the contract this time around. Right Kayla,”

We all turned to look at each other while there was silence from where the Head pointed.

***

As a part of the Smeraldo-HYBE collaboration, personal booklets for each member were released along with quarterly albums, as a sort of promotion. Last quarter, it was Min Yoongi. Now the big season project fish was Kim Namjoon. These works were separate from Smeraldo fictions but equally as important, and if the Head was to be taken seriously, even more so.

After all, BTS was worldwide famous. To do them wrong, would mean our name was mud.

Kayla was the third writer on your floor, senior to you and she had handled Mr. Min’s book. It was a given that she would take charge for the other member’s books as well…

…only…Kayla was absent…at a seasonal meeting…

The fuming ears of the floor Head suddenly told you that maybe you did have something to worry about. With all due respect to Rena, you quietly celebrated showing up an hour early.

“Where the hell is she? What’s going on?”

We stared back dumbly.

“She didn’t call in sick or called off today.” One of the assistants supplied helpfully but cowered when the Head glowered at her.

“Well, that’s all very well, but who do I brief now?”

“Not to worry, you can brief Y/N.”

There was a longer pause in which the members of your floor, simultaneously, turned to look at you. Your jaw nearly dropped, head whipping to look at Rena; the picture of ease. She looked at you and smiled.

To her credit, the Head looked equally thunderstruck. “I…Y/N?” she asked.

You looked around meekly. “Yes ma’am.”

She looked at you askance, before resolutely glancing at Rena. “You will watch her, yes?” At Rena’s nod, she turned back to you. “Miss Y/L/N, I won’t remind you that this project is extremely important to Smeraldo. I would expect your utmost best, understand?” You quickly nodded your head.

“You will be meeting with Bang Sihyuk and Namjoon himself in two days. All information about the album and the HYBE workings will be in a dossier in your mail. Don’t disappoint me.” she cast another look at Kayla’s empty chair, sighed in annoyance before swiping her files over to her assistant.

“Until next time, people,”

When the room finally emptied, you immediately turned to Rena, “Why would you do that?” You demanded.

Rena looked exactly the opposite of how you felt. Stretched onto your nerves now lay the weight of the world, your world. You had been thrilled to get an internship at Smeraldo, working your entire life around the business and after scoring an actual job here you had never thought that one day so soon you’d be at the risk of losing it.

If Kim Namjoon’s book tanked – you were dead. Dead, dead and very much dead…

“I told you, Y/N, you worry too much. This job is probably the easiest ever and since Kayla decided not to show up…I mean, come on, you’re one of our writers…the job was bound to come to you. Head madam just needed some time before she came to you. I hurried the process up. Besides, how will you learn if you don’t actually do the work?”

“But…it’s Kim Namjoon…” You mumbled.

“He’s hardly going to bite your head off, Y/N. Chin up and head to the meeting like the champ you are. You’ll be fine.” She tipped your head back with her hand before walking out herself, leaving you to scurry to your desk, feeling nowhere near as consoled as you should’ve been.

***

Two days in and you were getting dressed up yet again. Only this time, your nerves were sparking like a frayed wire no one was paying enough attention to. You chose a simple but professional outfit, worrying if there was any way anyone could nitpick on it. You ended up switching to something much more formal (and in your opinion, stuffy) attire in the wee hours of the morning, unable to get back to sleep.

HYBE’s building was situated in one of the most upscale business locales in the city. You had to take a cab to get there, already deciding that no way would you have enough time if you took a bus or the train. Already the buttons on your top felt like an over-tight corset. Thankfully, you seemed respectful and important enough to the cab driver that he stepped on the gas pedal, having you step out on the pavement in front of the building with almost twenty minutes to spare. You swigged at the espresso chocolate mix in your cup before stuffing it back into your tote.

You could do this. You had all the qualifications…if not the experience.

You could not possibly screw up that bad, could you?

According to the dossier, the meeting was set in the lounge, somewhere comfortable and open, probably a request of Namjoon’s himself. You knew enough about the man to take a guess.

Inside the building, security quickly but thoroughly sorted you out. You were patted down by a friendly lady, who smiled as she scanned you out an ID and rifled through your purse. She spotted your Hello Kitty cup and chuckled, giving you a wink that had you blushing all the way to where you were supposed to meet – directions given very kindly.

Along the way you knew. You knew that if you ever had to change jobs, you would dearly love to take one at HYBE. The place was an eclectic mix of practical and fun. There were artist posters and records and awards sprinkled around, the most prominent being BTS of course. Sunny gold lined the areas, with crisp blues and greens.

You might have even passed a little park arena.

When you reached the lounge, a sprawling area of lush moss like carpets and pink and purple art work on peach walls, there were only two other people in. The ones you were here to meet.

You recognized Namjoon from the door itself.

Insanely tall and thickly built in all the right places, he stood at a window. His hands were shoved into the pockets of his baggy khakis, a thin blue sweater hanging over his frame, hiding just how muscular he truly must be. Your lips twitched at the deep rose pink hue of his hair.

The other man must have been Mr. Sihyuk, grey suited and glasses perched on the tip of his nose, steadily going through sheaves of paper. Both men looked up at your knock on the glass doors.

Mr. Sihyuk stood up first, hand outstretched but his smile looked a little confused.

“Um, Miss Kayla…how nice to see you, again…”

It seemed like a question, his eyes scanning over your face as if trying to place you and you froze. Your hand paused just a little away from his, eyes darting around to the Idol who joined his CEO.

“It was wonderful to have you with us again on the bio projects for the albums,” He continued, seeming unfazed by your gob-smacked face. “You did a brilliant job on Yoongi’s. I was sad to be unable to meet with you before.”

Oh…dear…they didn’t know it wasn’t Kayla who was going to be on the job. Suddenly you felt like sinking through the soft carpets, right underground. They probably had dossiers of their own, with Kayla’s name across them. They didn’t know that she had slept in that one day and they didn’t know that they were now stuck with you.

“I’m – I’m afraid there's some misunderstanding, Mr. Sihyuk. My name is Y/N Y/L/N. I’m afraid Kayla was unavailable for the project.”

There was absolute silence on both ends after you finished. Mr. Sihyuk’s shoulders fell at your words, mouth parting as his eyes went scanning you again. This time you could distinctly feel him sizing you up. His eyebrows twitched up just so.

“Well then,” The other man, Kim Namjoon, the one you were supposed to write about, extended his hand. “I suppose we should rehash that welcome. Hello Miss Y/L/N, my name is Kim Namjoon. I look forward to working with you.”

You jolted a little, even stumbling forward to shake his hand, now thoroughly shaken out from your humiliated stupor.

“Forgive us, we must not have read the email citing the change.” Bang Sihyuk continued, spreading his hands genially.

“Don’t worry about it. These things can happen.” You fiddled with your bag strap with a tight smile, ignoring the urge to sway on the balls of your feet. The thick tension had still not dissipated as the three of you stood in a triangle, wondering who was going to make the first move.

It had to be you, shockingly. “So, um, shall we begin?”

You were shown a plush red armchair, Namjoon and Bang-PD taking the matching sofa as you were given the preliminary data. A small biographical book of sorts, more of a booklet if you were being honest; talking about an important segment in Namjoon’s life and his process and journey throughout the inspiration and creative take of the upcoming album. Standard, new age stuff…same as Yoongi’s…you already had Kayla’s old notes on the write up forwarded in your email.

You scribbled in small notes in your notepad while Mr. Sihyuk slid a small calendar across. “This is the tentative production and release schedule that we want to follow. There is, of course, plenty of time for you to follow Namjoon around and get a feel of the work environment, the studio life and of course, Namjoon himself. You’ll have quite a lot of time to write. The book will be issued and launched before the press conference and promotions will be done along with availability of the bio in stores.”

You studied the calendar before slipping it into your bag. “Thank you, Mr. Sihyuk. This is most helpful. We’ll be starting work from next week then?”

You were met with nods.

“Well, I’ll be off. It was wonderful to make your acquaintance, Miss Y/L/N. Please, forgive us about the whole Kayla mishap.” Bang-PD stood, you and Namjoon following and with a parting handshake he marched out of the lounge.

You began to slide in your pens and notes back in the bag when you noticed that Namjoon hadn’t followed his CEO out. Instead he stayed back; hands behind his back, watching you pack up.

You glanced up at him in question, meeting his impish small smile with a confused one of your own. “I’m sorry, I just feel so bad about the…thing before.” He said.

“Oh please, really, don’t worry. I’m, like, very new to this so it was bound to happen.” You waved a hand, slinging your tote on your shoulder, preparing to leave.

“Drive safe.” He said, gesturing for you to walk before him.

“Don’t have a car,” You blurted out instinctively before mentally slapping yourself.

“Oh, do you need a car? I’m sure we can get one to take you back to the office.”

“No, no, please.” Your ears burned at the thought of taking one of HYBE’s no doubt lavish company cars to simply take you back to Smeraldo. “I’ll just take a cab.”

You didn’t wait for his reply, shooting a quick smile and wave as you nearly rushed towards the exit.

***

Next week saw a dip in temperature, with you arriving at HYBE wrapped in a coat and scarf. You pulled off your beanie when the kind lady at the desk handed you your lanyard, this time stamped across it were the words EMPLOYEE/ COLLABORATOR. It felt heavy around your neck, the figurative noose as it were, in case you messed up.

Namjoon met you near the reception desk, jogging over from one of the elevators. “Hey!” He smiled wide, rosy hair glinting under the lights. “You’re right on time.”

“Oh,” You wondered if they were watching you for slip-ups and punctuality was one area they were scrutinizing. “On time for what?”

“To meet up; it’s so cold we’re all taking coffee breaks every ten minutes. I thought we could just work in the café?”

Namjoon rubbed his large palms together, drawing your attention to his fingers – soft and perfectly formed. You cleared your throat, shocked at yourself – tightly smiling back.

“Sure, lead the way.” As if you were going to refuse a request from Kim Namjoon himself, you and he walked the same route as you had the first time you’d come here. Only this time, you passed the lounge and followed another hallway which led to what was obviously the cafeteria. The back was lined with counters and serving tables of buffets. There were couches strewn about, booths, and tables. You felt like you were back in school. You hoped the food would be better.

Namjoon led you first to the serving tables. Stirring himself a simple cup of coffee, he turned to you. “Anything you want, you can find here. Sandwiches, subs, ramen, noodles, yeah, we have to go out if you want something more…sustainable.”

“No, this is great.” You gratefully tore open a mixer packet of hot chocolate, bringing out your own mug to put it in. you’d sipped the drink in the journey over, before finally realizing you’d emptied it.

Your new muse raised his eyebrow at the Hello Kitty but didn’t say anything, only suppressing an amused smile. You pretended not to notice that.

Once you were sitting at one of the tables near the windows, you spread your recorder, notebook, pens and cup, ready to work. “Ok, shall we start?”

Namjoon took the final gulp of his coffee, nodding.

“Right so, you’re going to be writing the prologue of the book yourself.” You muttered, flitting through the primary requirements.

“Yep, it’ll be more of a front to my thoughts which you’ll be writing about. It’ll be a personal note to the members, the staff and ARMY from me. Something that is completely mine but it will set the tone for your work.” Namjoon turned his phone to you, tapping a note on it. “I already have the first draft for it. It’ll be revised of course but I’ll email it to you so you can start with that.”

You picked up your pen and then it was only Namjoon talking about how the primary idea for the album came to life and began to gestate in his mind. You found it incredible, how a small incident or a sound could inspire someone like that. You’d never had any experience that moved you like that. You told him as such, wistful of the kind of inspiration that might never ever come.

Namjoon placed an elbow on the table, looking keenly at you. “You’re a writer.” He pointed out.

“Not really; I am working as such, yeah, but I wouldn’t say I’ve been inspired by anything. You have. I think you’ve been inspired since you were…what, fifteen?”

“I had a different beginning than yours, yes. But you can’t compare inspiration with experience. Experience comes after inspiration. Before, there’s only the feeling, the emotion that leads to it. Would you say that you started writing out of just an everyday inspiration, or did you feel something for the craft that drove you to it?”

“I wouldn’t say that’s a fair comparison.” You fiddled with the pages of notes. “I know your beginning, of course, everyone does. I didn’t have that kind of harsh circumstances pushing me to motivation. To be very honest…I’d say I’ve breezed past life. I love my job, but I don’t have much to show in the journey to it.”

Namjoon was silent for a few moments. His tongue poked into his cheek as he regarded you shrewdly. Finally, he gave you a sweet smile, eyes scrunching and dimples popping. Your pen stopped twirling in your fingers, blood easing in your veins at the simple change of expression.

“And that’s okay,” he said, “Not everyone should have to suffer through awful situations to achieve things they aim for. Success shouldn’t be measured in tears, Y/N. The point of life, in my opinion, is happiness and in the end that is what matters; the fact that you end up happy.”

You blinked as Namjoon’s blinding smile dimmed, turning into moonshine as he ran a finger over the rim of his empty cup. The seconds stretched by, you silently removing your gaze from his and taking down everything he had said. Your eyes wanted very badly to return to his face but you kept them firmly on the page, pondering his words, until you realized through your daze that he was speaking again.

“I’m sorry again, about PD-nim and the whole Kayla thing. The email we got was sitting in the inbox but we weren’t informed and neither did we think of checking the company email before the meeting itself.” His voice had softened, turned apologetic that had you hurrying to ease his conscience.

“I already told you, it’s no biggie, really.” You insisted.

“It must’ve been nerve-wracking, especially on the first day.”

You huffed, air whistling from your lips at him, before acquiescing, “Yeah, ok, maybe a little.”

That moonshine smile brightened again, defeating the sun beams that streaked through the windows. “Allow me to make up for it by giving you a tour of our studios. Same time, tomorrow.”

At that time, you were only glad that you could gaze at his face without an excuse.

***

It took you a few days, getting used to the new schedule. You were used to the short walk from your home to Smeraldo. You were used to the morning crispness on your cheeks, the thud of your feet on the pavement and then the warm confines of your office cubicle.

The new pattern involved you having to catch a cab everyday to HYBE. It wasn’t too expensive thankfully, and the hours you spent in the expanse of HYBE, shadowing Namjoon to his haunts and work areas was starting to prove much more enjoyable and rewarding than anything you’d be doing in Smeraldo.

You were drawn into the chatter and gossip of the makeup artists, the lady who intercepted you daily at the desk struck up more conversations with you when you entered. She had a son, you’d learned. Her husband worked away from the city but he commuted every weekend and they found time for getaways whenever they could.

The most jolting experience was meeting the rest of Bangtan.

Namjoon had asked you to accompany him to one of the group practices and when you entered the huge mirrored room, you spotted the rest of the boys sitting here and there, some on their phones, the other stretching.

“Hey guys,” Namjoon slipped the strap of his work out bag over his head, turning slightly to the side to show you standing behind him to the rest of the idols. You raised a hand awkwardly, waving.

“You brought a friend?” One of the men at the back asked – Jimin, with his baby features and an inquisitive smile.

“Actually, this is Y/N. She’s the one doing the bio book for the album for me this time.” He placed a hand gently on your back, pushing you ahead when you failed to step forward.

“Uh, hi,” you mumbled, “nice to meet you all. I’m Y/N.”

“Yeah, Hyung just said.”

Your cheeks immediately heated, helplessly turning to the one who’d spoken.

“Yah, Jungkook-ah, be nice.” A taller man – Jin - smacked the back of the maknae’s head, before smiling at you. “It is very nice to meet you, Y/N. Are you going to be working while we practice?”

The gentle voice of the older man did wonders for you. Reminded of Rena’s composure, you immediately brightened, bowing to them naturally. “Yes sir, I am supposed to be shadowing Mr. Kim so…I hope you don’t mind.”

This made them burst out laughing – Namjoon included.

“‘Mr. Kim’, wow, Namjoon you’ve traumatized the girl. Please don’t be so formal, we’re not used to it.” Jin chortled.

Namjoon rolled his eyes, taking your elbow gently to guide you to sit on one of the cushions against the back wall. “You can sit here and watch. We won’t kick you in the face that way.” He winked and you managed a weak giggle back when you had recovered enough.

Why, oh why did he have to be so attractive? In those loose black shorts, that blasted white tank, you hadn’t been able to quite meet his eyes ever since you’d met him today.

You decided to obey the laws of ‘work’ as BTS practiced their routines. You pulled out your usual supply of pens and your trusty notebook and began to scrawl everything you’d observed, this time the process of choreography and how the dynamics between the group members and Namjoon worked in these hard routines. It took you about five pages, filling out and circling details that you would highlight in the bio.

Soon enough, you ran out of work to distract you. You folded your hands in your lap neatly, simply watching in awe. Each member hit the beat with a different type of attitude. If Jungkook was sleek as a panther, Hoseok was a coiled serpent, but none of them ever missed a beat. There was a tandem between them all, which made you sure that they took this very seriously. After all, they were known for their work ethic and it was their bread and butter.

They couldn’t slack in this just as much as you couldn’t slack in the bio.

Your eyes drifted back to Namjoon. Even though you knew, he wouldn’t describe himself as a dancer primarily, he was no less behind in his steps than his members. He moved with an awkward grace not unlike people of his height. God of Destruction – you remembered – and yet, you couldn’t help but watch when he moved. His chin jutted in concentration and you balled your fist under your chin, chiding yourself.

You were self aware enough to recognize the flow of your emotions and right now, they were particularly worrying. You were in awe of Kim Namjoon, anyone with any semblance of sense would be. He was intelligent, chivalrous, generous, charming, thoughtful, and humorous and in the days you’d worked with him, more than just books and music. He was a fun and charming person to be around and he attracted people like moths.

But…he was way beyond human leagues.

Someone like Kim Namjoon couldn’t be human. He had to be some eldritch being, put together into conception out of pure matter and stardust. There was no way his mind and his soul were meant to be meandering on this planet. And while you were aware he was far from purposeless, you wondered if he would ever be satisfied with his purpose in time.

Maybe…maybe not…

And you, as the self aware person as you were, couldn’t – shouldn’t – be having such tumultuous emotions regarding him. He was pink roses, a dusty shade of gold that had been polished and made to shine from a young age and he basked in the glow of adoration. He was at a peak you couldn’t hope to touch.

Never mind the fact that feelings mixing with work were always dangerous. You had no room for failure if these got in the way. You couldn’t afford to lose your job. You would lose everything you had staked and for what? You couldn’t throw your life away for an unattainable man. You sighed, closed your eyes and ducked your head before any of the men could notice your hard stares.

***

If you had to pick a climax for your journey with Namjoon, you’d pick the day he texted you a weekly schedule filled with interviews and media covered events that you couldn’t shadow him to. What would you do? You couldn’t exactly carry a notepad and pens in your mouth after him like a loyal puppy while he did his job. The interviews were okay, all you had to do was stand at the back behind the camera and note the way he answered his questions and if it was an English interview, the way he deflected stupid and rude questions from his members. Although it was clear by their now unimpressed faces they knew exactly what was going on.

The trouble was the red carpet event that you couldn’t push through. It would be a shame too, since this would be one of the prime times to jot a piece of Namjoon down. In front of flashing cameras, strutting with his head held high, knowing and projecting assurance. It would’ve been a great detail in the bio.

Apparently Namjoon thought the same, because as soon as he saw blue ticks in your text chat, he called you.

“So, what do you think?” He asked.

“About what, the event…? It’s too bad, I’ll watch it on TV and you can tell me how it goes over ice-cream.” You answered, in the face of his snort.

“Or…you could just come with me as my plus one. As a friend, of course, you can sit with that little note of yours and keep writing while people scream in my ear.”

You clutched the phone hard. He wanted you to come with him? He wanted to take you with him to an event? A red carpet event at that…on his arm, with people around…but as friends of course…

“Um…it’s kind of short notice…I don’t even have a dress.” You hedges unsteadily, hoping he didn’t notice the abrupt breathiness of your voice.

“You don’t have to worry about that. I have a fashion extraordinaire handy. Text me your dress size,”

The next you heard from Namjoon was when a huge, pure white box made its way to your apartment door. The delivery man took your signature on a tablet, wearing a sleek blue shirt and pressed pants that nowhere in the world could be a uniform for couriers.

You carried the heavy box to your couch in confusion, fingers fluttering with the navy blue ribbon around it in trepidation. Should you dare open it? It looked very expensive. Maybe this was a mistake and it got delivered to you in a mix up. But it couldn’t be. The name on the tablet was yours, the address yours…

You took a deep breath and pulled the knot loose.

The ribbon fell away gracefully, the top of the box grasped in your fingers and then you opened it up.

If you weren’t holding your breath…you’d have gasped.

Inside was a gown. Ok, that was a massive understatement. The fabric was thick, layers and layers of silk and glitter draped over each other to make a thing of dreams. The delicate straps of it felt like gauze, slipping over your skin when you pulled it out in pure awe.

You couldn’t possibly wear something like this. You could never pull it off. You glanced at the mirror near your door, the skirts catching the light of your room and sparkling.

You’d be wearing a million stars sewn on your body.

Your phone chimed the very moment your weak fingers were about to drop the dress, a sacrilege that proved you unworthy of it.

Hope you liked it J I’ll pick you up at 7.

And he didn’t take your calls. He didn’t hear you out. He didn’t listen to you list the reasons why you couldn’t do this, shouldn’t do this.

Your heart was already beating drums in your chest, each set letting you know that it was misreading this gesture. Namjoon wasn’t wooing you with this dress. He was simply making sure you didn’t look like a garbage can next to him. After all, red carpets meant celebrities, paparazzi, superior expectations. He couldn’t afford to show up with someone looking like they had barely been able to put together an outfit fit for the walk.

After hours of trying, at five you gave up, beginning to get dressed.

You washed and dried your hair, putting it up in a roll that was easy and you had mastered for your interview. It couldn’t be faulted…maybe it was a little simple but hey, you hoped the attention wouldn’t be on your hair. Not with that dress…

As you had guessed, the dress was heavy, weighing your body down till you had to carefully bunch handfuls of the sparkling skirt just to walk. You paired it with the lowest heels you owned, and a simple silver set – a gift from your parents upon graduating.

The brilliant shade of lipstick applied, you prayed and prayed that Namjoon wouldn’t find you disappointing. Of course, only so; that you wouldn’t be a source of embarrassment to him and HYBE and Smeraldo. It had nothing to do with you wishing you could be swallowed by the earth if Namjoon looked even slightly put off.

He arrived sharp at seven, even climbing out to greet you. Your trip in the elevator had been thankfully solo. No peeking neighbors to comment on your appearance but of course the building manager caught sight of you, gaping through the glass door of his office. You hoped he wouldn’t attempt to raise your rent.

Sleek and pristine in a black suit and silver shirt, open at the throat, your breath did catch at the vision he made. His hair was pushed back now and he grinned when you slowly tottered over. “Hi,” he said simply, eyes glinting in the glow of the dress.

“Hey, you didn’t take my calls.” You blurted out, again wanting to smack yourself.

“Yeah, I’m sorry; I got busy with speech training and fittings. They messed up though; I’m wearing shoes one size big.” You and he both glanced down at the polished black shoes with silver toes. you shook your head at the distraction.

“Namjoon, this dress…it’s too much; I can’t say anything right now but thank you.”

“Don’t thank me – it was Taehyung who picked it out.” His eyes moved down the dress before he looked away suddenly, hand moving to rub his neck. “You look great – beautiful, I mean.”

“Thank you.”

“Shall we?”

Namjoon helped you climb into the car, bending down so he could collect about nine drapes and pleats of silk to lay them on the car floor before shutting you in. You glanced at the driver of the Cadillac that Namjoon had brought and decided to stay mum for the drive.

The sprawling expanse of the hall where the gala was taking place sent you into nervous jitters. You touched the edge of the top, wondering if it was tight enough, if the necklace was enough to draw attention away. Of course, the dress was the highlight of your outfit, but suddenly all you could think of were the faux pas that could get you kicked out and possibly fired.

You had no time to turn to Namjoon with these worries, to beg him to allow you to stay in the car when valets were opening the doors.

Flashing lights, camera with too bright heads blinded you momentarily and all you heard was a quiet ‘wait’ from Namjoon before he was exiting the car.

He shot easy smiles at the front line of the media before turning to assist you. Maybe they realized that Kim Namjoon had indeed brought someone with him because the screams increased in pitch and volume, deafening you as well.

You were completely disoriented when you felt Namjoon’s arm go casually around your waist, one hand still holding your skirts so he could walk you at least to the main photo calls and away from the paps.

“Hey, easy, okay, they’re always like that. Are you okay?” Namjoon mumbled in your ear when you were a safe distance away, turning you to face him.

“Yeah…yeah, I’m okay…I just…wow, it’s a lot to take in.” You grabbed the skirts that Namjoon had let go and began to set them around you properly.

“Okay, all we have to do is walk this bit, get some photos, talk to that man at the end and then we can head in.”

You followed Namjoon's instructions quietly. Smiling lightly, when Namjoon posed in the centre of the carpet with the logo of the sponsors behind you two; Your posture probably wasn’t the most glamorous because the camera man shrugged before letting you pass – to the interviewer.

“Kim. Namjoon.” The white suited man gasped as if Namjoon had just landed from outer space and said something scandalizing.

“Oh dear, should I be worried?” Namjoon laughed breezily but his hold on your back stiffened.

“Not at all, it seems…who is the lucky lady? We’ve never seen you. Are we finally seeing the elusive RM being snatched up off the market?” The man took the time to level a polite smile at you before Namjoon waved his hand.

“Rubbish; I could never hope to snag someone like her. This is my friend; she’s accompanying me as part of a job.”

You noticed he never gave your name, thankfully.

“Ah…just friends? Pity, you look stunning together.”

“She is stunning but I would never claim to be as lucky as that. Do please excuse us, heels and all.” The interviewer laughed as Namjoon ushered you inside the hall.

Your smile had glazed over by now and when Namjoon sat you in one of the chairs next to him, you made sure to not move too much while he had to mingle.

As heavy as the gown was, the weight of it was something completely different now. Your wings had wilted back into nothingness, bringing you down to the earth with a less than pleasant thump.

Here, in the hall with actual stars around you, it didn’t matter if stars covered your body tonight. You couldn’t be part of this. You belonged in your cubicle at Smeraldo with books that had been your lifelong companions.

You weren’t stupid. You knew Namjoon being an idol was a consequence as well as reality. His proximity had blinded you, with those bewildering smiles and irresistible dimples. He’d poetically woven a spell that with him being now gone was breaking.

You were worlds apart.

Maybe this could be a story someday.

But it would never be reality.

***

Your realization couldn’t have come at a more opportune moment. As days went by, time spent with Namjoon waned; instead you went back to your little pastel cubicle, typing away at your laptop, pouring facts mixed with sentiment onto the digital document.

Soon, pages of this would be flying off the shelves along with an album. Your connection with Namjoon would be severed and you both would part ways as acquaintances.

That would be that. You tried not to think too much of it like that. It colored your work a little melancholy and you’d have to go back and redo it so it would be upbeat.

It was one of those days of you clacking away when a shadow fell over your cubicle. You didn’t lift your eyes at first, engrossed in the mild noises your keys made when the presence started to…feel hostile. You glanced up curiously, meeting the curve of an arm first and perched on it, was the weight of Kayla.

She wasn’t looking at you; instead her eyes were on the screen of your laptop, reading your work with a tilt to her head that – to you – was condescending.

“Kayla,” You called in confusion and her eyes flitted to you.

“Carry on, carry on, I’m just going to watch. I want to see how you’re going to do this.” Maybe you were paranoid…but she definitely sounded snide.

“Do what, type…?” you mumbled under your breath, about to turn back to work but she heard you and decided to answer.

“I want to see the new worker ruin Namjoon’s story. That way we can all go back to our normal lives.”

You stopped. Your eyes widened in surprise at the blatant vehemence. You turned to her.

“Excuse me, but I’m not ruining anything. It was you, who decided to sleep in and you who missed the meeting. If anything, you’re the one who ruined your shot.”

“It wasn’t a ‘shot’ for me, Y/N. It was a guaranteed project. I was sick, it happens. I’m just surprised they let the newbie take on such a big collab. But then again, being a lapdog pays in this industry. Connections are more important than talent, I’ve heard.”

“Yeah, you definitely would be the one doing Namjoon’s story justice with that attitude.” You snapped back. If there was one thing you wouldn’t stand for, it was her sullying Rena.

She smiled again, removing herself from your cubicle wall. “Petty fights don’t matter to me, Y/N. I’m still your senior and soon enough I’ll be back to doing my rightful share of work.” She walked off in a very final manner, leaving you to stare after her a good while before you could turn back to your screen.

The blinking cursor taunted you, each second that passed without it budging, a point in proving that Kayla may have been right. You growled internally, rubbing your dry eyes.

You needed a change of view.

***

Your laptop was now perched on the same table you and Namjoon had sat on that first day. Your back was to the rest of the café, eyes free to drift out the window. You sipped on a simple smoothie and tapped away, making good progress. At this rate you could hand in the first draft in less than a week. A hundred pages worth of a booklet formed much easier when your mind was clear. You wondered again if you could change places here.

You hoped at least this way you’d be safely out of Namjoon’s path and could also enjoy the lovely environment of the building. After all, one sin didn’t have to equate to ditching another, did it?

No sooner had your mind finished that thought when you heard his voice. Your fingers rattled over your keyboard, printing the stupid version of words on your screen and you had to halt in case he had seen you and was coming over.

When you didn’t hear that cheerful deep voice that was now uncomfortably familiar to you approach from behind, you took the chance to peek over your shoulder, just to see how he was – just that.

He wasn’t alone, thankfully. Next to him stood another familiar figure; much shorter and just as broad. Min Yoongi hadn’t been very verbose with you when you’d been introduced but then again, you knew the man wasn’t a fan of small talk with strangers. He was under no obligation to chat you up and you weren’t expecting him to either.

They finally picked up their orders, sitting at one of the tables in your line - Comfortably far away so that they wouldn’t notice you; but also within earshot of you. You sighed, returning your attention to the document on your screen.

“So, how’s the book coming? Any news yet?” You heard Yoongi’s baritone.

“Not yet, but I’m sure it’s going to come along fast. Give or take a few days maybe,” Namjoon took a loud gulp, scrolling through his phone.

“I hope so. She was new, wasn’t she? I didn’t remember seeing her when it was my turn. It was that other girl…Kayla something. What’s your girl’s name again?”

You silently cleared your throat, expecting Namjoon to snap in that you weren’t ‘his girl’ but he only hummed. “It’s Y/N. We messed up that day, called her Kayla. Guess we must have thrown her off her game that whole day, but she was amazingly professional. It was stupid too, that email was sitting right in the office email, and an intern missed it and didn’t tell us.”

“That’s what happens when you don’t treat your workers right. Even interns are deserving of respect. Maybe if they were catered to the way the company expects them to cater to it, it would -,”

“Hyung, I love your rants – but please.”

Yoongi shrugged, taking a bite out of his sandwich. You cracked a smile, biting your lip to stifle a giggle at Namjoon’s dazed expression.

“So, what’s she like? You hung out with her quite a lot.” Yoongi’s voice dipped, muttering something to Namjoon whose fingers stopped scrolling, a pensive expression on his face now. You glanced back at your screen, frowning, wondering what Yoongi must’ve said.

Namjoon didn’t answer for a long time and you had to keep glancing over, just in case he was actually muttering too and you were just not hearing anything but nope. He remained silent for a good long while, staring down at the coffee cup in front of him.

“I think…I think I would’ve preferred to work with this Kayla.”

You froze, your fingers hovering over the keys, making zero noise. You wished the other people in the café would quiet down and Namjoon would repeat himself but only this time you’d hear something else, something positive, something not so utterly crushing.

“Oh, she’s not up to the standard?” Yoongi asked.

“It’s…its stupid. I know it’s a shitty thing for me to say, but -,” But he was still going to go ahead and do it. He was still going to get those words out, unaware that you were able to hear him and have your gut wrenched.

What was wrong with you? Why were you not good enough to work with Kim Namjoon? Was it the rambling or blurting out thing? Was it the inability to retain composure? Had you messed up during a meeting that he was holding a grudge against? Did you somehow embarrass him during the gala? Had he already complained about you to his management and members, told them that this was the last time you were to work with them?

They had hushed up now, clearly having a private conversation and you were thankful. You didn’t know how you could handle hearing more. And you definitely didn’t want the rest of HYBE staff to hear how pathetic you were to their stars. If word got back to Smeraldo, you’d be fired. You’d lose everything.

You shut the laptop screen quietly, a hand sliding your things from the table top straight into your bag. Slinging your stuff onto your shoulders, you walked out of the room – out of the building – away from anything related to BTS.

***

You were resolute the next day, walking into Smeraldo with no words of greeting spoken to anyone. You got to your floor and then marched straight into Rena’s office, hurriedly knocking the prologue to the urgency of your matter.

“Y/N, what’s wrong? Did something happen?” Rena frowned, actually getting up from her seat when you stumbled in.

Something did happen, yes. I got way in over my head.

“I…I…need to um, change – the BTS project. I can’t do it anymore.” The words rushed out, thick and unintelligible but Rena apparently got the gist of it because she dropped her shoulders, crossing her arms.

“What happened?” she asked flatly.

I have a crush on my subject and he thinks I’m the worst thing to happen since the rise of patriarchy.

“Nothing serious; I just…I’m not cut out for this Rena. I told you that day of the meeting. It’s too much, I can barely sleep, can’t eat.”

Ok, provided that was only one day because your mind was too obsessed thinking about what you heard but still – you could definitely apply the cases.

“What are you talking about? You just gave me your stats two days ago. You were fifty three pages in and climbing.”

“Yeah well I’m not happy with it. I’ve been writing in a daze. Please Rena.” You begged; you’d have gotten on your knees at that point but mercifully, after about nine seconds of shrewdly eyeing you, she finally sighed.

“Well, I can’t say I’m not disappointed – and very, very surprised. You’re one of the better writers at Smeraldo, Y/N; I wouldn’t have pushed you for this if you weren’t. I believed in you. But I can’t make you work if you’re not happy and I certainly can’t let it affect this collaboration. It wouldn’t help anyone – so…fine. We’ll make the change. I’ll have the boss send an email…and you can personally go and hand Kayla all your material on the job so she can start as soon as possible. We still have time to make it up I think.”

You nodded, surreptitiously wiping a streak of moisture that had escaped without notice before you paused. And then you put in a request for Rena to consider before grabbing all your notes, drafts and your work laptop and walking up to Kayla’s more spacious cubicle.

She was reading a magazine when you tapped the side wall, eyes rising up to yours before her eyebrows raised at the amount of things you were carrying. Without preamble, you let them crash on to her neat desk.

“Uh, what the hell are you doing?”

“I’m not doing Namjoon’s bio anymore. They want you to do it.” Namjoon wanted her, in particular.

Kayla stopped scowling, looking at you in confusion before her face darkened again. “Listen Y/N, I don’t care much for charity -,”

“It’s not. I swear it’s not Kayla. I really, really can’t do it anymore. Please…please just take it off my hands.”

Slowly, her face cleared, eyes still examining yours for any insincerity before she picked up your notebook, carding through the pages.

“It’s a little shocking, I’ll admit but fine. But you…why are you giving it up? It’s BTS. It’s probably the biggest break you’d ever get.”

You shrugged, unwilling to converse more than necessary about this. “I just felt bad…and ill about it.” You didn’t exaggerate and Kayla didn’t ask you to elaborate. You glanced down at the biggest bag which you’d placed under her desk. The box was still exquisitely white and unblemished.

“Can you just do me one last favor?”

“What?”

“When you see Namjoon, can you give that bag back to him? Tell him thanks for everything.”

***

The days passed quickly, each one easier than the last as you decided to stuff your stupid, pointless feelings – hurt and otherwise into one single compartment: DO NOT TOUCH.

Namjoon had had to meet with Kayla quickly, to put in effect the plans that the senior writer was going to play with. She already had your notes, but they would still have to spend some time together just so she could get a feel of his prologue and run with it.

It had taken about two visits from Kayla before your phone started to act up.

He sent a text first. At a decent time…you were at work, taking a small break when the ping came. You promptly slid the notification aside and pushed the nagging in your head to look at it into that one compartment. An hour passed…then another before another message came. You couldn’t help but glance at the words even as you slid it out of focus.

Are you ok? What’s going on?

Namjoon didn’t text again for the remainder of the day and you heaved a sigh of relief. It would be easier to not mess with that box of goodies in your head if only anything pertaining to Kim Namjoon was taken out of your path.

Only…he decided to call you…

As soon as you entered your little apartment and took off your shoes, flexing your toes, the trill of your ringtone made you fumble in your bag. You almost slid the call to accept, catching yourself just in time when you saw the big white KIM NAMJOON flashing on the ID.

You stared at the name, a proverbial finger dancing over the latch of the compartment. But you couldn’t…you couldn’t mope over him again; you had given an entire day of wallowing up to his name.

Again, you heard him preferring Kayla. You placed the phone onto the coffee table and went into the bathroom to change.

Namjoon’s persistence remained impressive though. He called and texted every day ranging from thrice to five times. Almost every time you frowned. You had given him Kayla. What more could he want? He was desperate to know if you were okay, wondering if something had happened to you and that Smeraldo was trying to cover it up but you couldn’t bring yourself to put him at ease.

Also, it was getting steadily difficult to keep his name out of your life. BTS was worldwide, he was a global entity. He was everywhere…the media, the news, there were even fucking standees in malls for them.

But your job was keeping you busy, mercifully.

The day you had gone to Rena to ask her to put Kayla on the bio project and take you off, you’d also asked to be moved to a different section of jobs, just for the time being – till you could come back to yourself, or so you told her.

In reality, the editing and beta reader position that you now held was time consuming and kept you focused and engrossed enough to not think about the idol. Not every piece of writing was amazing, but fiction was fiction and you gladly succumbed to romances and fantasies that were wildly improbable - simply because they were possible in their worlds.

You could not be more grateful to Rena for this. You finished more than your quota of three manuscripts a day, sometimes even staying up at night if one was particularly interesting. You knew you’d have to go back to writing someday but for now, you wanted to do a good job so you wouldn’t let down Rena more than you already had.

You shuddered to think of returning to your laptop. It was a mistake to think that you were cut out for this job. There was a certain level of coldness required to be a writer – the sheaves of paper in front of you proved that. You had none of that ruthlessness in you. You were too soft, too sheltered. You had grown attached to a subject that you were supposed to present as facts. Instead you had painted him in a fantastic palette of misdirected emotions that he was under no obligation to act upon.

And so now you were hurt…and it was your own fault.

To write again, you would first need a spine, one forged in titanium instead of the malleable clay that had wrapped around the fingers of others so easily.

In some days of your ruminations…Namjoon stopped calling and texting and you were then rudely interrupted by Kayla, striding over to deliver news you hadn’t asked for.

“Mr. Kim took the dress back.” she announced as soon as she pressed herself at your desk. You looked up from your fourth manuscript of the day, peering at her through your glasses. Your back was sore and your neck felt lodged.

“He’s asking about you.”

“Okay,” you said slowly, clearing your throat before reaching for a bottle of water. “I’m okay.”

“He said he reached out but you never responded. Why don’t you respond? He’s obviously concerned.” She continued, putting an unnecessary emphasis on ‘obviously’. It irked you.

“He was my subject matter. Now he’s not. It’s inappropriate.” You barely kept from snapping, shrugging noncommittally. Kayla was still there, eyeing you in that way, that made you feel smaller than her.

“Well, I don’t think he feels it’s inappropriate. He’s enquiring about someone he considers a friend. He’s been known to care about friends.”

You put the manuscript down finally. You looked up at her blankly but she didn’t flinch. Instead Kayla returned your heavy look with one of hers, raking you down with an appraising look. After a few moments of silence she gracefully straightened and turned on her heel, returning to her cubicle.

You picked up your manuscript again.

***

The cursor was blinking again. The walls of your cubicle needed a wipe down. Some of the pens in your drawer needed replacing. You revolved on your chair once – twice – thrice before facing the darn cursor again.

It had been two days since Rena had asked (basically commanded) you to return to your original post. One because you had gotten through the work she’d set aside for you. Second because Smeraldo’s projects were lining up and they needed their writers to buck up. You being one of them now needed to get in the game.

Or you would lose your job. After all, even though Rena treated you like a sister, it didn't mean she was going to baby you forever. Her own job would be on the line.

So you returned, starting out slow, with slogans and advertising scripts. Only…advertisements meant media research…and you knew what you were going to see the first thing you delved into that.

When your phone rang, you were almost eager to get to it. Namjoon hadn’t called in a while – it was safe again. You glanced at the unfamiliar number once, curious before you pressed the accepted call to your ear.

“Hello?”

“Y/N,”

The deep thrum of his voice reverberated in your ear, travelling straight through your heart – setting it to thump unsteadily – and landed deep in your belly, burning uncomfortably.

Your fingers tightened around the device, unable to speak, unable to pull it away from your ear, unable to comprehend simply hanging up. Instead you helplessly muttered his name. The two syllables were heavy on your tongue, some emotion injected in them that you doubted he could sense over the phone.

It irked you that you had so easily been caught unaware. You had paid attention to every text, every call for so long, swiping him out of your sight to avoid the temptation and here he was, smartening up and using another number altogether.

You guessed his IQ really did pay off.

When he spoke again, there was no weight in his tenor, no sense of concern that Kayla had said he felt about your absence. If anything he sounded cold, indifferent – as if you were just another person he was talking to.

And you were...you couldn’t mean anything to him.

“How have you been? It’s been quite some time.” He said, formal, aloof.

“Yeah, I’ve...I’ve been keeping busy. What...about you? How are you?” You mumbled.

“I’m fine. The bio is going on fine, I heard from Kayla.” He seemed to be moving while he spoke, you could hear distinct shuffles around him.

“That’s nice. So, is something wrong? Did you need something? If you lost Kayla’s number –”

“Can I not call you unless there was something wrong?” he cut you off smoothly, pleasant while you stumbled to correct yourself.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that. I was just –”

“Anyway, so the boys wanted to throw a party in celebration of the album finalization. It’s a dinner and games thing so be prepared to be bored if you’re not into that. They wanted to invite you because you were part of the bio making process.”

They...they were inviting you, not him. It seemed silly, to be stung by such a tiny little detail but you couldn’t help the down-turn of your lips, the frown settling upon your brows. “What about Kayla?”

“I don’t know, maybe one of the boys will get to it. So, do I count you in?”

“Why me, Namjoon, I left the project, didn’t I?”

“Is that a no?”

You sighed, annoyance surging at the way he deliberately ignored your pointed remarks. “Fine, I’ll be there.”

“See you at 7. You know where the dorm is. Just tell the front desk you’re here for BTS and give them your name.”

He hung up before you could spill out another question, pose another objection. You looked irate at the blackened screen, feeling used and mocked yet again. He had reached you so long after you cut him off and he had had the gall to sound miffed with you? You stuffed the phone back into your back.

The evening would last long. You vowed that this would be the last time you would have anything to do with Kim Namjoon.

***

You had been intimidated by the idea of BTS before. After spending a few days with Namjoon, you could appreciate them being normal men, seven men who just wanted to make music, who were young, a little dorky but overall just themselves.

Coming here, standing in front and looking up at the gigantic building that housed the dorm of BTS and their separate private apartments, you could only feel the previous nerves spiking again.

Your fingers were shaky as you pushed open the heavy glass door, thick enough to stop bullets and made your way to the marble front desk.

The concierge, decked out in a cream vest outfit, politely smiled at your approach – too professional to not rove his eye critically over your modest dress. You were at the dorm of BTS, after all. You couldn’t show up in jeans for a dinner party.

He nodded when you relayed your name, giving Namjoon’s reference which had them flurry to get you an elevator. Once trapped in the sleek metal box, the chiming numbers indicated your rising panic.

What were you doing?

Why were you here?

You had cut them out of your life for a reason. Why would you willingly show up again? Inside, of course, you knew the reason. You had unsettled issues. You wanted to talk this out with him. But you couldn’t – which again, added to the question as to why you would accept his invitation in the first place?

There was no way you were brave enough to stand in front of Kim Namjoon and ask him to explain himself.

When the doors opened; the wide hallway only led to one set of double doors. You looked around once; just to make sure that you were on the right floor and not about to barge into some unwitting souls’ suite.

Walking to the etched wood, you knocked a hurried patter that sounded abnormally loud. You didn’t even have to wait long. The door swung open almost immediately, as if he was waiting right inside for you.

Namjoon stood in a simple black long sleeve, rolled up till his elbows. His jeans stretched tightly along the length of those legs. Huh, he was wearing jeans...go figure...

“Come in Y/N.” He said, walking back into the house. You followed, slower, clutching your bag strap like the first day.

It was...relatively clean, being the house full of men. It was also too big for you to take in everything. You supposed they needed the space, each one with a personality of their own but together all the time. You wondered if they had studios in the two storey house too.

You focused on Namjoon, who had by now moved to the sitting area, flicking through some pages, not paying any attention to you. There was no sound. No one came to greet you, not even Jin who you thought was the actual host.

It was...suspiciously quiet.

“Namjoon,” You called. “Where is everyone?” 

The man only shrugged his shoulders for a second and it seemed that he wasn’t about to answer your question at all. However, at the very last moment when you were about to repeat yourself unwillingly, he muttered. “They went out to eat.”

What?

They were out to eat? After calling you over to have dinner and play games? 

“So...we have to go and join them or something?” you asked.

Namjoon sighed painstakingly, as if you were disturbing his peace but he finally dropped the papers onto the coffee table and stood up, hands in his pockets.

“No, Y/N, we’re not going to join them.”

What the hell was going on here exactly?

“We’re going to talk.”

You had opened your mouth when he finished his sentence, pausing in contemplation to what he could possibly want to talk about. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m saying I want answers, Y/N. Why did you stop coming over all of a sudden? Why did you stop working on the bio and give it to Kayla? Why didn’t you pick up your phone when I called you? Why didn’t you answer my texts? What the fuck happened?”

You blinked, once, staring at him in shock mingled with annoyance. There was a lot to Kim Namjoon; you would be the first to admit it. But you never took him to be this cruel.

“Why are you even asking me these questions? I wasn’t competent enough for you. So I did the right thing, I gave the work to someone who could match your standards. End of story; I don’t understand why you had to bring me here.” Your vehemence faded by the end of it, leaving you to drop your head and mumble half the words at your shoes.

You kept staring down when Namjoon didn’t say anything in retaliation. Seconds ticked by and finally you had to glance up to see Namjoon’s face tight, jaw clenched and he drummed his fingers over crossed arms. 

“Unfortunately,” He began when your eyes met. “Doubt and Insecurity are two things that every artist struggles with in their line of work. There are no ways around them; you simply have to push through them. Work through them, Y/N; but you can’t let it take you away from your passion. If you felt doubtful of yourself, you should’ve talked to me, or any of us...you didn’t have to brand yourself incompetent and give into this negativity.”

If you had two cents of courage you would’ve screamed at him. Indeed, Kim Namjoon was a cruel man – a blind man.

And your nerves had finally grown into something more ferocious.

“I gave in? I’m sorry, Namjoon, but when your client is the one that ‘brands’ you incompetent, you kind of have to give in. You are the one who said you preferred Kayla. So I gave you exactly what you wanted. So stop pretending like you care about my insecurities and my doubts.”

Namjoon gaped at you like a fish, eyes wide and thoroughly confused. He held up a hand immediately. “What the hell are you talking about?” 

You snapped. “I heard you, that day, talking to Yoongi about how you would’ve preferred it if it was Kayla who was working on the bio rather than me. If I was bothering you that much or if you found me – I don’t know, not a good writer, you could’ve at least been professional about it. You could’ve emailed the company and asked for a switch, instead of bad-mouthing me to your damn members!”

Both of Namjoon’s hands were up in the air now, defensively. His eyes flickered around his house as he attempted to place the scenario you were describing to him. You saw the light bulb go off about a few seconds after. His demeanour changed immediately. His hands lowered, face cleared and his eyes scrunched before he did the worst thing imaginable that he could’ve done at that moment.

He laughed.

His body bent forward, hands clasping his stomach as his shoulders shook. His head dipped, chortles echoing around you as you stood rooted to your spot, stricken by his mirth.

In the moments that he managed to raise his head, he caught sight of you and laughed again, eyes watering.

You were seeing red. His frame lit up in flames in your head, fuelling you to whirl about on your heel. You marched away, almost at the door when fingers wrapped around your elbow, stopping your next steps.

You turned, seeing Namjoon already there, still smiling.

“Let me go.” You said firmly.

“I didn’t say I would’ve preferred Kayla to you because I thought you weren’t a good fit for the job, Y/N.” He said instead, hand loosening on your arm but not quite letting go. “I said it because...well, I was afraid I would be breaching our contract. Since...I kind of wanted to take you out.”

You stood there, watching Namjoon’s eyes flicker between yours, waiting for a reaction. His hand was still loosely cupping your elbow, fingers warm and splayed out over the skin. His thumb briefly brushed over the bone as if checking that you hadn’t frozen over.

But you had...you were standing stock still, staring up at the idol, uncomprehending the words that had spilled out of him. He had just said something very controversial, very brave...and very confusing.

You thought back to all your hangouts. The long talks that you scribbled down with your tongue poking out the corner of your mouth, the walks that you took, sometimes huddling together with shivers due to the cold weather, sharing hot coffees and chocolate ice creams. Telling him about yourself when he wanted a break and needed to listen instead of supply conversation. Then they changed to his texts, the good morning or good night texts that he would send, the occasional music recommendations and book suggestions.

And then the night of the Gala...that stunning dress...his behaviour...

Nowhere in any of these cases had you seen anything that spelled anything other than friends being friends. He had never flirted brazenly with you, simple banter being the only form of cheek you could recall. He was after all; your client and anything that could offend or upset him would result in your suspension.

“That’s...that’s...impossible. You never – not even once – I didn’t ever get the idea, not ever,” You fumbled over your words, pulling away or trying to once again but Namjoon shrugged, smiling sardonically.

“Well, I couldn’t exactly come out and say it, could I? You were working with me, for my company. I know the kind of pressure you must’ve been under. If I did say something, you’d have been obliged to agree because you’d think you owed it or something, just to keep the job. I didn’t really want to put you in the spot like that. The night of the gala I got carried away. I had a plus one and if I had to take someone, I wanted it to be you. I begged Taehyung to put the outfit together because I’m shit at high end fashion but you looked absolutely gorgeous and yeah, I owe Tae a thousand favours now but it was worth it.” He took a breath.

“I was waiting for the project to be over so I could actually, properly ask you out but well, I guess you heard me being an idiot that day and...” he waved his free hand vaguely.

“Oh,” you mumbled, your eyes leaving him and travelling back down to the floor. What else could you say? Sorry, I was eavesdropping on your conversation and got my feelings hurt and acted like a child? Yeah, you didn’t think that’d go over well.

“Which brings me to the question, why did you stop?” His thumb brushed over your skin again, prodding your attention to him and you shrugged like him, mumbling something about doing right by the client.

“Bullshit, if you wanted to do right by the client, you would’ve waited for me to say something. Changing people like that could’ve resulted in a breach lawsuit and I doubt you’d have risked that.”

You looked up at him again, irritated. Why did he have to poke holes in your admittedly stupid story? Hadn’t he shaken your world enough by telling you that THE KIM NAMJOON wanted to ask you out?

“You hurt me.” You hissed. “You made me think I was inept and it hurt my feelings because I’ve been attached to you and this book since day one. I finished the bio at home, for fuck’s sake. I lost objectivity when it came to you because you’re adorable, scary smart, caring, generous, a total goof and it doesn’t help that you look like a damn sculpture all the time.”

You yanked your arm one last time, successful this time around because Namjoon smiled widely, shyly, deep dimples poking into his cheeks that had you internally melting from how cute he was.

“I want to kiss you.” he said simply. “May I?”

What were you going to do, say no?

Instead, horrifyingly you started to sniffle. “You better, because I’m really ashamed right now and I will start crying.”

Namjoon was quick to cup your face, cooing over your squished cheeks in his large palms and he brought you closer, closer and closer to himself. Your hands clutched at the sleeves of his shirt while he pecked you lightly, dropping a flurry of equally soft and fast pecks on your cheek, the tip of your nose and chin before returning to your lips, delving deeper, testing the waters.

Your eyes fell shut, revelling in the plumpness of his lips as he delicately trailed them over yours, smacking kisses over you till you let out a giggle.

“Finally, she smiles.” Namjoon beamed at you, leading you back until you were gently propped against the door, your head comfortably resting on the wood and he deepened the kiss, bowing and moulding his body with yours.

“Should we be doing this here?” You asked nervously, when his lips began to travel over your jaw.

“The boys won’t be back for a while but we can head to my room if you want?” He wriggled his eyebrows at you, heat pooling into the skin he still held between his hands.

“Uh, I’m good here.” You muttered to his amusement. His eyes travelled back to your mouth, eyes hooding and then he was slowly leaning in again. You met him halfway and his mouth opened with the barest brush of tongue when loud pounding sounded right on the other side of the doorway, laughter and footfalls sounding the arrival of the rest of the band.

You moved away just as the door flung open, six boys piling in, “Can you believe none of us thought to grab our wallets, we have to go back and tell manager-nim to get the car again –” Jin grumbled with the boys stopping to gape at you in Namjoon’s arms as the two of you blinked at them like deer in headlights.

Then chaos erupted.

The whoops and cheers of ‘finally’ made you drop your head in a shy grin with Namjoon groaning behind you.

“Namjoonie finally got some!”

“OH SHUT UP!”